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This program me contains
some strong language.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
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Good evening.
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Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
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I'm Naga Munchetty.
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In the news this week,
Debbie Hemsley from Watford
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is particularly pleased
with her new, enhanced
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breast implants.
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SHE PLAYS A TUNE.
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LAUGHTER.
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As he gives evidence
to the Covid inquiry,
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Boris Johnson keeps standing up
to tuck in his shirt.
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Please sit down.
Please sit down.
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I'm sorry, if you don't sit down,
I'm going to ask the ushers
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to get you to leave.
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And at a restaurant in Mayfair,
one customer congratulates kitchen
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staff for successfully hiding
a pubic hair in his
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dinner...yet again.
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On tan's team tonight is a comedian
whose first television
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appearance was on The Chase,
where she got most of the questions
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wrong and went home with no money.
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Perfect training for
being on this program me.
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Please welcome Maisie Adam.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
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On Paul's team tonight
is one of the country's
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best-known fiction writers.
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In fact, he's right up
there with Omid Scobie.
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Please welcome Richard Osman!
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Hiya.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
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We begin with the bigger news
stories of the week.
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Ian and Maisie, have a look at this.
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MAISIE: Oh.
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Writing the naughty and nice
list for Christmas.
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Thumbs up if you're
incapable of love.
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That's Eat Out to Help Out.
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They've successfully deported
one person to Rwanda.
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And unfortunately,
he came back again.
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This is James Cleverly,
the only man who's got
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an adverb for a surname.
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I always listen to it and think,
"James cleverly went to Rwanda?
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Not that clever.”
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The essence, the essence
of the Rwanda treaty is...?
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Is that if British law says
Rwanda is safe, it's safe.
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If British law says
a cat is a dog...
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..so it is.
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The main thing for the Tory
backbenchers is to stop foreign
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courts telling us what to do,
and the most disrespectful foreign
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court is the British Supreme Court.
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Which is obviously
full of foreigners.
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I hadn't spotted it
but it does seem to be,
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and they've got to be stopped!
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What was James Cleverly's priority
when signing the treaty?
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I think just to stay in his job.
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Cos he was Home Secretary
quite recently and now...
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Sorry.
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He was Foreign Secretary.
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Foreign Secretary.
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And now he's Home Secretary.
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Yes, they rotate.
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They're sort of
Sugababes-esque, aren't they?
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That's what I was thinking.
Yes.
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He's very much the
Mutya Buena of the...
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He is!
He's the Mutya!
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He was the one who originally said
that the Rwanda scheme was bat shit.
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PAUL: Batshit crazy?
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I think he says he doesn't
recall saying that.
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Or he doesn't remember.
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How do you not remember
saying, "The Rwanda
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policy is bat shit crazy"?
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Well, other people say
they don't remember shouting,
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"Party, everybody!
Get the booze in!"
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How many parties do you go to, lan?
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Um...
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I want to go to New Year's at yours!
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That sounded like, you know,
when you have, like,
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community theatre come
into your school to tell
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you not to do drugs.
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PAUL: I think you're
being unfair on lan.
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The last party I went
to was to celebrate the anniversary
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of the repeal of the Corn Laws.
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I mean...
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Wow!
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I didn't get home till
half-past six in the evening.
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The story is, the Government
is falling apart and...
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What's the news story?
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Jenrick's gone.
Jenrick's gone.
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He's resigned, hasn't he?
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Yes.
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He was Immigration Minister.
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Yes.
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Briefly.
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And he said that Rishi's plan
is doomed and he says
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it's not tough enough.
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Yes.
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Not tough enough.
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Which shows he is a man
of the people, cos if there's one
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thing we all said about the Rwanda
policy was it was too nice.
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Jenrick is the man who wanted
the mural in the immigration centre
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for children removed.
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Do you remember?
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Oh, yes.
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There were some nice cartoons,
and he said, "It's too welcoming.”
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And, you know, those kids, God,
they're going to get
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the wrong idea, aren't they?
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Three of them were Boris's.
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Suella, she keeps sticking
an oar in, doesn't she?
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Well, no, she doesn't.
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She doesn't want the oars, she
doesn't want the boats, does she?
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She's not happy, and Rishi Sunak
is left in the middle,
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and his policy, which was stop
the boats, um...
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LAUGHTER.
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When he does his speech
about that, do you remember,
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during Covid, it would say
"keep your distance" or something
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in front of the podium -
they were telling you what to do
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on the front of the podium.
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Yes.
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Now on the front of the podium,
it says "stop the boats",
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as if he's asking us to do it.
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And I'm always like,
“I'm genuinely quite busy..."
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Shall we look at Rishi
defending the treaty?
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It's interesting.
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This is him on Thursday
at the Downing Street conference.
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Claiming asylum -
that's now blocked.
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Abuse of our modern
slavery rules - blocked.
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The idea that Rwanda
isn't safe - blocked.
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The risk of being sent to some
other country - blocked.
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And spurious human rights claims -
you'd better believe that we've
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blocked those too...
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MAISIE GIGGLES.
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All I'm thinking is,
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"How am I going to stop
the boats, Rishi?"
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What did you make of his
presentation there?
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Um...
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Not good.
Not good.
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It's like when they have to do
a task on The Apprentice,
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when they have to pitch to people.
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They go, "And you'd better believe
this is the best milk
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substitute in the world!"
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I thought it would be useful to give
Rishi some tips on presentation
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from the Argentinian President.
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TRANSLATION:
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I know him.
We go to the same hairdresser.
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IAN CHORTLES.
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The Government's saying
it cannot go any further
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with the Rwanda treaty,
as the Rwandans wouldn't
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let the Government do
anything more extreme.
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Right.
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That's sovereignty for you!
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LAUGHTER.
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The President of Rwanda got 98%
of the vote, Paul Kagame.
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Yeah, it's good.
That's not bad in a democracy.
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To be clear about how big 98% is,
on Pointless once, we showed
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a picture of planet Earth...
Yes.
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...said, "What is this?"
And it scored 91.
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Really?
Yeah.
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I knew I should have gone
on that and not The Chase!
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I'd love to know the
other nine answers.
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Oh, my God, I know.
They're out there driving somewhere.
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Yeah.
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There's a Conservative MP
for Stoke-on-Trent North.
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Jonathan Gullis.
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MAISIE: Oh!
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Yes, Jonathan Gullis.
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Now, he's hoping to appeal
to the working-class Tory vote.
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He's very focused on a single issue.
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They got stuck in North
Islington having chai latte
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and avocado on toast.
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We don't want the chai latte
avocado brigade arriving
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in our area any time soon!
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Avocado-eating,
chai-latte-drinking elite.
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Drinking chai latte
and scoffing down quinoa.
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LAUGHTER.
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What's he got against them?
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Oh, Naga.
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APPLAUSE.
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They're really good!
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They're really, really good.
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Where's the avocado?
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Oh, you're wearing it!
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Yes...
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Um, the ulterior motive
Robert Jenrick might
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have for jumping ship?
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I'm assuming he wants to be leader,
much as Suella Braverman does.
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There's another as well.
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Grant Shapps.
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There's a thing on GB News
which we did on this
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program me called...
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Lager With Lee.
..Lager With Lee.
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Lee Anderthal, as he's known.
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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
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You're on fire today!
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He does this show and apparently,
Grant Shapps is going to do...
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...something that
rhymes with "Shapps".
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Peach Schnapps?
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Schnapps!
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Peach Schnapps with Grant Shapps!
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Is that...?
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Absolutely right, well done.
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NAGA LAUGHS.
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Genius.
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What is happening?
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There used to be fizz with Liz.
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You went round to Liz Truss's and...
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.and.. felt ill.
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Guess some others.
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Is there chai tea with
the Stoke-on-Trent MP?
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APPLAUSE.
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Very, very good.
Very, very good.
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Cheese and wine with
Michael Heseltine.
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Sorry.
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00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:39,255
Who called the
Government's record...?
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Chico.
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Keir Starmer.
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Oh.
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This was in a Telegraph interview.
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What else did he say?
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He admired Margaret Thatcher.
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That was the one that
caught the headlines.
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That support for Margaret Thatcher
got lots of coverage in the press,
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but not one of them bothered to show
how Keir Starmer would look
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with Margaret Thatcher's hair.
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Why not?
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00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:04,215
How could you miss that?
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So we've done it for you.
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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
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MAISIE: Looks like every housewife
from Coronation Street.
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00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:19,095
I mean, it doesn't look like it's
been photoshopped, that's the thing.
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It looks genuine.
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I keep expecting him to start
singing Surprise Surprise.
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So this is the Government's attempt
to send people to Rwanda.
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The Government's latest immigration
policy now makes it harder
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for anyone to bring their wife
or spouse into the country.
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This sounds petty -
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it's probably just
aimed at Prince Harry.
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LAUGHTER AND GROANS.
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The BBC covered Robert
Jenrick's resignation
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and protest of the bill,
including the question
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that everyone is asking.
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LAUGHTER.
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Paul and Richard,
take a look at this.
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Yes.
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OK.
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This is a man who set his
alarm clock too early.
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There he is being injected
with some backbone.
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00:11:09,560 --> 00:11:15,975
RICHARD: And that's literally just
before the Bible catches fire.
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Boris has appeared at the Covid
inquiry on Wednesday and Thursday
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00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:24,975
and claimed that when he said things
like, "Let people die," he was just
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expressing views that
other people had said,
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him being one of them.
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I wasn't entirely convinced
by the emotional bit.
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And the fact that he had an onion
chopped up in front of him.
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How did Boris prepare
for his appearance?
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00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:43,095
I imagine in these situations
you want to sort of practise,
255
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:46,215
you know, in a room where people
fire questions at you and you're
256
00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:49,415
determined not to lose your temper,
show an even handed spirit,
257
00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:53,695
sort of thing, while people
shout "fuckwit" at you.
258
00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:57,615
I bet Carrie was more than happy
to do a few practices of that.
259
00:11:57,640 --> 00:12:02,975
According to the Times, Boris's
legal team presented him with...
260
00:12:06,040 --> 00:12:08,815
As if he's going to read that!
261
00:12:08,840 --> 00:12:11,695
This is Boris at
the start of the day.
262
00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:12,895
That serious hairdo.
263
00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:13,935
Mm-hm.
264
00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:15,695
Here he is at the end.
265
00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:19,255
MAISIE: You know it's bad when
I'm slagging off your hair!
266
00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:22,375
I've heard that, apparently, he
deliberately ruffles himself up...
267
00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:24,295
I've seen him do it
on this program me.
268
00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:26,215
Just come out of make-up,
make-up's there, sort
269
00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:27,655
of combing his hair and stuff.
270
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,015
15 seconds later...
271
00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:33,855
HE MUMBLES.
272
00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:37,935
Admittedly, there is a wind tunnel
between there and here.
273
00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:40,815
But it's an attempt to distract
attention from the fact that his
274
00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:42,495
answers are all over the place.
Yes.
275
00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:45,615
You just look at his hair and think,
"Why is that so messy?"
276
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:48,255
And then you look at what he's
saying, which was pitiful.
277
00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:49,295
Yeah.
278
00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:50,735
And he was smirking.
He literally...
279
00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:52,655
He's still taking
the piss out of us...
280
00:12:52,680 --> 00:12:53,775
Don't you think?
281
00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:57,215
APPLAUSE.
282
00:12:57,240 --> 00:12:59,135
I feel a bit sorry for the guy.
283
00:12:59,160 --> 00:13:02,255
He's been called a liar, he's been
accused of all sorts of things,
284
00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:03,935
but he must be thinking,
"Good news.
285
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:06,815
I can get myself out of this
because I've got all those
286
00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:09,455
WhatsApps that I sent at the time
that are going to
287
00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:10,495
prove my innocence."
288
00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:12,895
And then he goes to his
phone, he's like, "Oh,
289
00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:14,615
you are absolutely kidding me?!"
290
00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:17,015
He doesn't have anyone
like MI5 or anyone who can
291
00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:18,495
actually get them back.
No, no.
292
00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:20,375
There's nothing he can do!
That's it, done.
293
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:21,415
Shall we be fair?
294
00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:25,095
I mean, technology's not easy.
Here it is in action.
295
00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:27,495
Do you know why your
phone was missing those
296
00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:31,015
5,000-odd WhatsApps?
297
00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:34,295
I don't know the exact reason,
but it looks as though it's
298
00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:39,375
something to do with the app
going down and then,
299
00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:42,415
um, coming up again.
300
00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:43,535
LAUGHTER.
301
00:13:43,560 --> 00:13:45,815
Um, but...
302
00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:49,695
...somehow not...
303
00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:54,655
Automatically erasing
all the things between...
304
00:13:54,680 --> 00:13:57,575
...that date, when it went down,
and the moment when it was last
305
00:13:57,600 --> 00:14:02,375
backed up, so...I...
306
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:04,535
I can't give you the technical
explanation, but that's
307
00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:07,455
the best I'm able to give.
308
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:09,655
That's like having
a conversation with my mum.
309
00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:13,015
I mean, even my mum's got someone
round the corner who can fix it.
310
00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:15,415
MAISIE: Your mum's going to be
fuming with that, Richard.
311
00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:18,535
I wouldn't be happy if I were your
mum and you've just compared...
312
00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:20,695
You wouldn't be happy
if you were my mum?!
313
00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:21,735
Whoa!
314
00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:24,135
Been invited on the program me
as a guest, best-selling novelist.
315
00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:25,175
Blimey!
316
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:28,055
And I wouldn't be a good enough son?
No, I hear you.
317
00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:30,695
I shouldn't say that about my mum.
But I'm just saying...
318
00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:32,135
You backtracked that
quickly, didn't you?
319
00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:34,775
Boris Johnson was being quizzed
about various members of his Cabinet
320
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:35,815
during the pandemic.
321
00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:37,975
What did he have to say
about Matt Hancock?
322
00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:39,015
He supported him.
323
00:14:39,040 --> 00:14:41,175
He stood up for him, didn't he?
Did he?
324
00:14:41,200 --> 00:14:42,215
Yeah.
325
00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:44,375
He said he still backs
him as a minister.
326
00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:46,655
Over a cliff.
327
00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:48,695
He said he was...
328
00:14:50,520 --> 00:14:51,735
No!
329
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:53,175
Intellectually a table.
330
00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:54,215
But not...
331
00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:55,255
...intellectually able.
332
00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:56,295
No way.
333
00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:59,695
No way, the man's a buffoon.
334
00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:01,055
Intellectually able.
335
00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:02,735
It's not a glowing review, is it?
336
00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:03,775
No.
337
00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:08,055
It's like, "Oh, yeah,
he's capable of thought."
338
00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:10,215
The other thing Boris said,
cos they were arguing
339
00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:12,935
about lockdown and he said,
"I'm defending lockdown
340
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:16,295
because it was the only
tool I had available.”
341
00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:20,655
And I thought, God,
look at your Cabinet.
342
00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:22,335
What's gone up at the BBC?
343
00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:23,815
Oh!
344
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:27,255
Naga...
345
00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:28,535
The licence fee.
346
00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:29,575
Correct.
347
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:30,615
Oh, yeah.
348
00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:32,655
£10.50 more, isn't it?
349
00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:35,535
But the Government said it can't go
up in line with inflation.
350
00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:37,815
It has to be...
It's about half, isn't it?
351
00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:40,215
Unlike other years, the rise
is less than the average
352
00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:42,175
annual inflation rate.
353
00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:45,055
There is a real question about how
this is going to affect
354
00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:47,615
the quality of BBC programming.
355
00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:48,655
The answer being, that's...
356
00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:52,175
CONTINUOUS HIGH-PITCHED TONE.
357
00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:55,295
Isn't it great that, like,
on the day that the licence fee
358
00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:58,175
was announced that it was going up,
it went to BBC News,
359
00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:03,455
where the newsreader greeted
you with that.
360
00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:05,215
Have we got the clip?
Oh, yes!
361
00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:09,495
Have you seen this?
362
00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:17,455
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
363
00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:22,495
SCATTERED CHEERING.
364
00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:24,495
Oh!
365
00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:25,535
I love it.
366
00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:26,615
It's very good.
367
00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:28,495
It's the split second
that she changes, though.
368
00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:29,575
It's really...
369
00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:32,415
I mean, has anyone officially timed
how quickly we get from that
370
00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:37,135
to, um, the Middle East?
371
00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:40,175
You should do that, Naga,
every time you do the news.
372
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:41,855
Imagine if you started
tonight going, "Hello,
373
00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:44,575
welcome to Have I Got News For You."
374
00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:46,935
RICHARD: BBC Breakfast tomorrow,
you and Charlie, both of you.
375
00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:48,135
Just the first ten minutes.
376
00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:51,455
Ten minutes?!
377
00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:52,495
Yeah.
378
00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:57,815
And now here's Carol
with the weather.
379
00:16:57,880 --> 00:17:00,015
MAISIE: I feel like Carol
Kirkwood's more of a...
380
00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:02,655
Like that.
381
00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:06,015
I've never seen Naga
looking so uncomfortable.
382
00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:11,415
MAISIE GIGGLES.
383
00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:13,775
OK...
384
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:15,375
LAUGHTER.
385
00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:18,055
This is Boris Johnson's evidence
at the Covid enquiry.
386
00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:22,935
Talking about aggressive WhatsApp
exchanges between his advisers
387
00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:24,615
and the civil service,
Boris Johnson told
388
00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:26,695
the enquiry that...
389
00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:31,335
I'm buying into this, OK.
390
00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:33,055
So, Boris, you're a useless tosser.
391
00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:34,535
Make of that what you will.
392
00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:41,215
APPLAUSE.
393
00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:44,695
And so to round two,
the Strengthometer Of News.
394
00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:45,735
Ian.
395
00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:46,815
Oh.
396
00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:47,815
Oh.
397
00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:49,775
IAN CHUCKLES.
398
00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:55,055
Is that a promise?
399
00:17:55,120 --> 00:17:56,775
You're in a feisty
mood tonight, lan.
400
00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:59,335
Have you had a cappuccino?
401
00:17:59,360 --> 00:18:03,375
I've had a chai latte, mate.
402
00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:06,015
I feel like my mum and dad
are having an argument
403
00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:07,615
at the dinner table.
404
00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:09,055
Yeah, I'm getting a look.
Yeah.
405
00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:10,655
RICHARD: And she's my mum, so...
406
00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:14,535
APPLAUSE.
407
00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:18,535
Yeah!
408
00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:20,495
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
409
00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:21,575
Here's your first one.
410
00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:24,015
Buzz in if you know the answer.
411
00:18:24,040 --> 00:18:25,095
BELL RINGS.
412
00:18:25,120 --> 00:18:28,015
BUZZER.
413
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:30,175
This is the garden ornament
that the couple had
414
00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:33,575
in their garden for many years,
decades even, and it turned out
415
00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:34,775
to be an unexploded bomb.
416
00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:37,495
As the sign helpfully suggests.
417
00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:40,615
You'd think they would have spotted
that, wouldn't you, over the years?
418
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:43,735
And I think she said,
"I used to sort of clean the spade
419
00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:45,655
on it sometimes just
by knocking the spade,
420
00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:46,855
knocking the mud off it."
421
00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:47,895
Yeah, you're bang-on.
422
00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:50,055
Jeffrey and Sian Edwards
of South Wales had left
423
00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:53,095
the unexploded missile
outside their home for more
424
00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:57,535
than four decades because they...
425
00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:00,775
This is it.
426
00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:01,975
Yeah.
427
00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:04,135
What else did Mrs Edwards
use the bomb for?
428
00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:05,695
Well, she explains.
429
00:19:05,720 --> 00:19:08,735
I used to put new plants in,
put fresh, and I'd dig
430
00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:09,855
them with my trowel,
and it was the right
431
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:10,935
them with my trowel,
and it was the right
432
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:13,855
height for me to bang
the trowel onto the bomb,
433
00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:15,815
then, to get rid
of the excess earth.
434
00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:17,935
I've done it for 40...
435
00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:19,815
I did it a couple of weeks ago.
436
00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:22,495
I've done it for 41 years.
437
00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:25,535
I patted the bomb the morning,
the Thursday morning,
438
00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:31,055
and wished it good luck.
439
00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:32,935
How did they discover it was a bomb?
440
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:35,975
Did they take it to
the Antiques Roadshow?
441
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:39,135
Did the Saudis try to buy it?
442
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:41,095
I think it was a
policeman, wasn't it?
443
00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:43,535
Yeah, a passing policeman noticed it
in their back garden.
444
00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:46,095
Jeffrey Edwards told the Guardian...
445
00:19:46,120 --> 00:19:47,175
That's the least it could do.
446
00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:51,655
That's the least it could do.
447
00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:53,335
Yes.
448
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:58,375
The bomb's old spot now awaits...
449
00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:01,415
Or they could go for one
of these lovely cacti,
450
00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:04,735
which were found on a beach
the other day.
451
00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:07,575
An elderly couple were surprised
on a recent trip to Wetherspoons.
452
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:09,895
Have you heard of this story?
453
00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:12,775
I thought you were going to say,
"Have you heard of Wetherspoons?”
454
00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:13,815
Yeah.
455
00:20:13,840 --> 00:20:16,455
RICHARD: There's a Facebook game
you can play where if you're
456
00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:19,335
in a particular Wetherspoons you can
send a thing asking for people
457
00:20:19,360 --> 00:20:20,535
to buy you a drink.
458
00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:22,735
And a guy was there
with his elderly parents.
459
00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:24,615
It was their grandson, yeah.
460
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:25,655
It was their grandson.
461
00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:28,775
It was like 10 Downing Street
by the end of it, I think.
462
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:29,855
Yeah.
463
00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:31,975
So, we can show you the
couple, happy couple
464
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:33,415
at the start of the night.
465
00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:34,455
AUDIENCE: Aw!
466
00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:35,495
There you go.
467
00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:38,135
And then the pints, the wine,
the shots started to arrive.
468
00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:41,175
LAUGHTER.
469
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:44,295
APPLAUSE.
470
00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:46,455
Is she thinking to herself,
"I should have married
471
00:20:46,480 --> 00:20:49,135
Cary Grant when I had the chance"?
472
00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:51,055
Time now for the Odd One Out Round.
473
00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:52,975
Just one between you this week.
474
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:54,015
Oh, OK.
475
00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:55,295
Your four are...
476
00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:57,695
Australia, Mo Salah,
477
00:20:57,720 --> 00:21:01,695
an iceberg,
and King Charles's curtains.
478
00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:03,735
BUZZER.
479
00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:06,535
Well, the iceberg, that's
the big iceberg that's
480
00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:09,055
floated away from all the other ice.
481
00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:10,095
It is.
482
00:21:10,120 --> 00:21:11,655
It is.
483
00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:14,495
Is it five times the size of Britain
or something like that?
484
00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:15,535
What?!
485
00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:16,575
RICHARD: Whoa.
486
00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:18,255
It's twice the size
of Greater London.
487
00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:19,295
Oh...
488
00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:21,175
Which is still...
489
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:25,175
Are there other parts of Britain?
490
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:26,415
Yeah.
Do you know what?
491
00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:29,055
You can only say that in front
of a London audience.
492
00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:30,095
APPLAUSE.
493
00:21:30,120 --> 00:21:31,135
I don't mean that.
494
00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:33,535
I can say it cos it
was a London audience.
495
00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:34,975
I wouldn't say it in Sheffield.
496
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:37,375
It's so unlike a man
to exaggerate size, isn't it?
497
00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:39,015
MAISIE SPLUTTERS.
498
00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:41,655
Well, to compare something to twice
the size of Greater London,
499
00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:43,055
yes, it is quite rare.
500
00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:44,975
And don't forget, 90%
of it's under water.
501
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:47,735
Yeah, exactly.
502
00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:50,975
Have they all scored
against Chelsea this season?
503
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:52,455
I think you better tell us.
504
00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:55,535
They've all turned up somewhere
unexpectedly apart from Australia,
505
00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:59,095
which hasn't turned up at all.
506
00:21:59,120 --> 00:22:01,695
It was recently revealed that
if you went onto the search
507
00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:03,695
engine Bing and typed...
508
00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:06,895
...the answer that comes back is...
509
00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:11,615
How have Australians
reacted to the suggestion
510
00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:12,655
that they're not real?
511
00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:15,455
Well, they haven't.
512
00:22:15,480 --> 00:22:16,575
How can they?
513
00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:19,935
I would say with typical
robust and bawdy humour.
514
00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:25,415
One person commented, saying...
515
00:22:25,760 --> 00:22:26,735
There we are.
516
00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:28,455
You saw Mo Salah, Liverpool striker.
517
00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:34,095
Mo Salah says he plays a game
of online chess every day, but...
518
00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:37,135
Well, until he wins and runs around
the room with his shirt
519
00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:38,495
pulled over his head.
520
00:22:38,520 --> 00:22:40,575
Let's talk about King Charles's
curtains, shall we?
521
00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:42,535
Where have they turned up?
522
00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:44,695
Are these big curtains
or are they those little
523
00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:47,335
ones like on a plaque,
where you say, "I declare this
524
00:22:47,360 --> 00:22:49,415
open,” and you go...
525
00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:51,575
You don't have to
pout when you do it.
526
00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:53,135
Do you not?
527
00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:55,415
Has he re-gifted?
528
00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:56,455
Has he?!
529
00:22:56,480 --> 00:22:57,815
Has he re-gifted them?
530
00:22:57,840 --> 00:22:58,815
Oh!
531
00:22:58,840 --> 00:23:01,655
Re-gifted his curtains
to Prince Harry for Christmas?
532
00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:03,575
He's had all the curtains
in Buckingham Palace
533
00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:06,175
and Windsor Castle taken down.
534
00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:09,815
He's...
535
00:23:09,880 --> 00:23:13,375
Is he Julie Andrews?
536
00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:14,575
Here's one.
537
00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:15,615
Oh.
538
00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:16,655
RICHARD: That's nice.
539
00:23:16,680 --> 00:23:17,695
That's charming.
540
00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:19,935
It looks just like a curtain.
541
00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:22,055
He's made a special blue one.
542
00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:28,895
This is what Charles
sent to Akshata Sunak.
543
00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:31,935
Time now for the Missing Words
Round, which this week features
544
00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:36,055
as its guest publication KO -
the lifestyle magazine
545
00:23:36,080 --> 00:23:37,495
for dog lovers.
546
00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:40,695
We're going to start with...
547
00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:43,775
RICHARD: Stuck with a large bill.
548
00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:44,815
Yes!
549
00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:45,895
MAISIE: Oh, Richard.
550
00:23:45,920 --> 00:23:47,255
There we are.
551
00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:49,175
APPLAUSE.
552
00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:51,695
Man who takes pet duck to the pub...
553
00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:58,735
Now, this is Gillingham man Mark
Col yer, with his duck called Dog.
554
00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:00,175
Is that the hat he wears?
555
00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:03,055
You don't need to be bringing
a duck if that's the hat
556
00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:04,735
you're wearing to the pub.
557
00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:07,295
There's a lot of conversation
starters there, aren't there?
558
00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:09,055
A duck is a good
conversation starter.
559
00:24:09,080 --> 00:24:13,055
And, in fact, a good starter.
560
00:24:13,080 --> 00:24:14,975
It's also a rather
ambiguous phrase, isn't it?
561
00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:16,575
"The duck is a
conversation starter."
562
00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:19,655
As if the duck goes round the pub,
saying, "What was the best
563
00:24:19,680 --> 00:24:21,335
holiday you ever had?”
564
00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:24,215
Yeah, he's a real introvert
and the duck is just his wing man.
565
00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:25,255
Yeah, wing man!
566
00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:27,295
Yeah.
Oh, you're on fire, Richard!
567
00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:30,415
Doesn't even know he's doing it.
Didn't even know I was doing it.
568
00:24:30,440 --> 00:24:31,615
Doesn't know he's doing it.
569
00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:32,655
APPLAUSE.
570
00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:35,775
I bet when you write your books
you think, "Oh, I didn't know
571
00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:36,815
that was the killer!"
572
00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:40,015
Next...
573
00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:42,415
MAISIE: You should have thought
about that before taking up
574
00:24:42,440 --> 00:24:46,535
competitive chain-smoking.
575
00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:49,415
To take a wild guess, is it,
"sell your soul to Beelzebub"?
576
00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:51,935
Lucifer?
577
00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:53,455
Grant Shapps?
578
00:24:53,480 --> 00:24:55,615
Grant Shapps?
579
00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:57,415
If you want to live
longer then you should...
580
00:24:59,440 --> 00:25:00,455
Avoid...?
581
00:25:00,480 --> 00:25:01,575
Oh.
Ah.
582
00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:02,855
Eat more beans.
583
00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:06,415
Now, this is according to
Helena Pereira dos Santos of Brazil.
584
00:25:06,440 --> 00:25:08,335
She's 115 years old.
585
00:25:08,360 --> 00:25:09,535
MAISIE: No!
RICHARD: Whoa!
586
00:25:09,560 --> 00:25:13,135
Doesn't look a day over 114.
587
00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:15,775
I think that's the biggest disparity
between the size of earrings
588
00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:18,415
and the size of ears I've ever seen
in my life.
589
00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:20,495
Look at that.
590
00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:23,855
Next...
591
00:25:24,360 --> 00:25:26,895
Oh, this is a Samuel
Johnson quote, isn't it?
592
00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:32,415
"A dog that doesn't enjoy a bath
will be tired of London."
593
00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:35,455
RICHARD: Oh, is it,
"will look like Boris Johnson
594
00:25:35,480 --> 00:25:37,375
within three days"?
595
00:25:37,400 --> 00:25:38,575
MAISIE: It's that Japanese proverb.
596
00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:43,215
"A dog that doesn't enjoy a bath
will prosper in the shower."
597
00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:46,335
A dog that doesn't
enjoy a bath will...
598
00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:49,375
Oh, how do you know?
599
00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:51,375
You see their little
paws going when they're
600
00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:52,415
sleeping, don't you?
601
00:25:52,440 --> 00:25:54,335
No.
602
00:25:54,360 --> 00:25:59,095
Finally...
603
00:26:02,160 --> 00:26:05,255
To fart in front of an Archbishop.
It's that old joke, isn't it?
604
00:26:05,280 --> 00:26:06,935
"How dare you fart
before the Archbishop?”
605
00:26:06,960 --> 00:26:09,655
"I'm awfully sorry, I didn't
know it was his turn.”
606
00:26:09,680 --> 00:26:12,415
Is it to offer Black Forest gateau?
607
00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:13,735
LAUGHTER.
608
00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:16,895
I know, it's an awful thought.
609
00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:23,615
Is it take cocaine?
610
00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:27,775
Why does that suddenly sound like
a line from an Oscar Wilde play?
611
00:26:27,800 --> 00:26:33,015
"Where do you keep your cocaine?
In a handbag?"
612
00:26:33,640 --> 00:26:36,095
Etiquette guide says it's
now acceptable to...
613
00:26:39,160 --> 00:26:41,335
Do remember, though,
it's never acceptable to talk
614
00:26:41,360 --> 00:26:44,935
about dinner at an orgy.
615
00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:47,495
The final scores
are in, and Maisie...
616
00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:51,855
We're still on two, aren't we?!
617
00:26:51,880 --> 00:26:56,495
This is worse than when
I went on The Chase.
618
00:26:56,520 --> 00:26:58,775
Paul and Richard, you've
progressed to six.
619
00:26:58,800 --> 00:26:59,815
Well done.
620
00:26:59,840 --> 00:27:01,255
Six, there we are, you see.
621
00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:03,255
APPLAUSE.
622
00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:05,895
I'm going to apologise to Maisie
and say I'm really sorry.
623
00:27:05,920 --> 00:27:08,375
It wasn't my fault, I was badly
advised, collectively...
624
00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:10,215
LAUGHTER.
625
00:27:10,240 --> 00:27:11,615
And I am...
I am very...
626
00:27:11,640 --> 00:27:14,055
SOBS
..Very sorry.
627
00:27:14,080 --> 00:27:16,895
And I would just like to say
about lan, he's actually very
628
00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:18,215
intellectually able.
629
00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:22,735
APPLAUSE.
630
00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:26,335
Before we go, there's just time
for the caption competition.
631
00:27:26,360 --> 00:27:27,855
It's a misquote from Richard III.
632
00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:30,295
"A duck, a duck, my kingdom...
633
00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:32,695
.for a duck."
634
00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:36,495
And the duck is saying,
"Which pub are we going to tonight?”
635
00:27:36,520 --> 00:27:39,375
Is the man in the back saying,
"Where did you get that?"
636
00:27:39,400 --> 00:27:43,015
And the duck says,
"I won him in a raffle.”
637
00:27:43,040 --> 00:27:45,375
On which note we say thank
you to our panel lists,
638
00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:48,655
lan Hislop, Maisie Adam,
Paul Merton and Richard Osman.
639
00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:51,295
And I leave you with news that
during a foreign policy
640
00:27:51,320 --> 00:27:53,335
meeting at Number 10,
there's an unscheduled break
641
00:27:53,360 --> 00:28:00,375
in proceedings after Larry the Cat
climbs onto a ceiling fan.
642
00:28:00,800 --> 00:28:03,415
In Westminster, there's evidence
that Keir Starmer has spent the last
643
00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:10,655
ten minutes listening to
Angela Rayner.
644
00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:13,695
And at a warehouse rave
in Hackney Wick, after the bar runs
645
00:28:13,720 --> 00:28:16,095
out of bottled water,
there are concerns that Michael Gove
646
00:28:16,120 --> 00:28:22,855
may be a little dehydrated.
647
00:28:25,920 --> 00:28:31,015
Goodnight.
648
00:28:31,080 --> 00:28:37,935
APPLAUSE