This program me contains some strong language.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
Good evening.
Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
I'm Naga Munchetty.
In the news this week, Debbie Hemsley from Watford
is particularly pleased with her new, enhanced
breast implants.
SHE PLAYS A TUNE.
LAUGHTER.
As he gives evidence to the Covid inquiry,
Boris Johnson keeps standing up to tuck in his shirt.
Please sit down. Please sit down.
I'm sorry, if you don't sit down, I'm going to ask the ushers
to get you to leave.
And at a restaurant in Mayfair, one customer congratulates kitchen
staff for successfully hiding a pubic hair in his
dinner...yet again.
On tan's team tonight is a comedian whose first television
appearance was on The Chase, where she got most of the questions
wrong and went home with no money.
Perfect training for being on this program me.
Please welcome Maisie Adam.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
On Paul's team tonight is one of the country's
best-known fiction writers.
In fact, he's right up there with Omid Scobie.
Please welcome Richard Osman!
Hiya.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
Ian and Maisie, have a look at this.
MAISIE: Oh.
Writing the naughty and nice list for Christmas.
Thumbs up if you're incapable of love.
That's Eat Out to Help Out.
They've successfully deported one person to Rwanda.
And unfortunately, he came back again.
This is James Cleverly, the only man who's got
an adverb for a surname.
I always listen to it and think, "James cleverly went to Rwanda?
Not that clever.”
The essence, the essence of the Rwanda treaty is...?
Is that if British law says Rwanda is safe, it's safe.
If British law says a cat is a dog...
..so it is.
The main thing for the Tory backbenchers is to stop foreign
courts telling us what to do, and the most disrespectful foreign
court is the British Supreme Court.
Which is obviously full of foreigners.
I hadn't spotted it but it does seem to be,
and they've got to be stopped!
What was James Cleverly's priority when signing the treaty?
I think just to stay in his job.
Cos he was Home Secretary quite recently and now...
Sorry.
He was Foreign Secretary.
Foreign Secretary.
And now he's Home Secretary.
Yes, they rotate.
They're sort of Sugababes-esque, aren't they?
That's what I was thinking. Yes.
He's very much the Mutya Buena of the...
He is! He's the Mutya!
He was the one who originally said that the Rwanda scheme was bat shit.
PAUL: Batshit crazy?
I think he says he doesn't recall saying that.
Or he doesn't remember.
How do you not remember saying, "The Rwanda
policy is bat shit crazy"?
Well, other people say they don't remember shouting,
"Party, everybody! Get the booze in!"
How many parties do you go to, lan?
Um...
I want to go to New Year's at yours!
That sounded like, you know, when you have, like,
community theatre come into your school to tell
you not to do drugs.
PAUL: I think you're being unfair on lan.
The last party I went to was to celebrate the anniversary
of the repeal of the Corn Laws.
I mean...
Wow!
I didn't get home till half-past six in the evening.
The story is, the Government is falling apart and...
What's the news story?
Jenrick's gone. Jenrick's gone.
He's resigned, hasn't he?
Yes.
He was Immigration Minister.
Yes.
Briefly.
And he said that Rishi's plan is doomed and he says
it's not tough enough.
Yes.
Not tough enough.
Which shows he is a man of the people, cos if there's one
thing we all said about the Rwanda policy was it was too nice.
Jenrick is the man who wanted the mural in the immigration centre
for children removed.
Do you remember?
Oh, yes.
There were some nice cartoons, and he said, "It's too welcoming.”
And, you know, those kids, God, they're going to get
the wrong idea, aren't they?
Three of them were Boris's.
Suella, she keeps sticking an oar in, doesn't she?
Well, no, she doesn't.
She doesn't want the oars, she doesn't want the boats, does she?
She's not happy, and Rishi Sunak is left in the middle,
and his policy, which was stop the boats, um...
LAUGHTER.
When he does his speech about that, do you remember,
during Covid, it would say "keep your distance" or something
in front of the podium - they were telling you what to do
on the front of the podium.
Yes.
Now on the front of the podium, it says "stop the boats",
as if he's asking us to do it.
And I'm always like, “I'm genuinely quite busy..."
Shall we look at Rishi defending the treaty?
It's interesting.
This is him on Thursday at the Downing Street conference.
Claiming asylum - that's now blocked.
Abuse of our modern slavery rules - blocked.
The idea that Rwanda isn't safe - blocked.
The risk of being sent to some other country - blocked.
And spurious human rights claims - you'd better believe that we've
blocked those too...
MAISIE GIGGLES.
All I'm thinking is,
"How am I going to stop the boats, Rishi?"
What did you make of his presentation there?
Um...
Not good. Not good.
It's like when they have to do a task on The Apprentice,
when they have to pitch to people.
They go, "And you'd better believe this is the best milk
substitute in the world!"
I thought it would be useful to give Rishi some tips on presentation
from the Argentinian President.
TRANSLATION:
I know him. We go to the same hairdresser.
IAN CHORTLES.
The Government's saying it cannot go any further
with the Rwanda treaty, as the Rwandans wouldn't
let the Government do anything more extreme.
Right.
That's sovereignty for you!
LAUGHTER.
The President of Rwanda got 98% of the vote, Paul Kagame.
Yeah, it's good. That's not bad in a democracy.
To be clear about how big 98% is, on Pointless once, we showed
a picture of planet Earth... Yes.
...said, "What is this?" And it scored 91.
Really? Yeah.
I knew I should have gone on that and not The Chase!
I'd love to know the other nine answers.
Oh, my God, I know. They're out there driving somewhere.
Yeah.
There's a Conservative MP for Stoke-on-Trent North.
Jonathan Gullis.
MAISIE: Oh!
Yes, Jonathan Gullis.
Now, he's hoping to appeal to the working-class Tory vote.
He's very focused on a single issue.
They got stuck in North Islington having chai latte
and avocado on toast.
We don't want the chai latte avocado brigade arriving
in our area any time soon!
Avocado-eating, chai-latte-drinking elite.
Drinking chai latte and scoffing down quinoa.
LAUGHTER.
What's he got against them?
Oh, Naga.
APPLAUSE.
They're really good!
They're really, really good.
Where's the avocado?
Oh, you're wearing it!
Yes...
Um, the ulterior motive Robert Jenrick might
have for jumping ship?
I'm assuming he wants to be leader, much as Suella Braverman does.
There's another as well.
Grant Shapps.
There's a thing on GB News which we did on this
program me called...
Lager With Lee. ..Lager With Lee.
Lee Anderthal, as he's known.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
You're on fire today!
He does this show and apparently, Grant Shapps is going to do...
...something that rhymes with "Shapps".
Peach Schnapps?
Schnapps!
Peach Schnapps with Grant Shapps!
Is that...?
Absolutely right, well done.
NAGA LAUGHS.
Genius.
What is happening?
There used to be fizz with Liz.
You went round to Liz Truss's and...
.and.. felt ill.
Guess some others.
Is there chai tea with the Stoke-on-Trent MP?
APPLAUSE.
Very, very good. Very, very good.
Cheese and wine with Michael Heseltine.
Sorry.
Who called the Government's record...?
Chico.
Keir Starmer.
Oh.
This was in a Telegraph interview.
What else did he say?
He admired Margaret Thatcher.
That was the one that caught the headlines.
That support for Margaret Thatcher got lots of coverage in the press,
but not one of them bothered to show how Keir Starmer would look
with Margaret Thatcher's hair.
Why not?
How could you miss that?
So we've done it for you.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
MAISIE: Looks like every housewife from Coronation Street.
I mean, it doesn't look like it's been photoshopped, that's the thing.
It looks genuine.
I keep expecting him to start singing Surprise Surprise.
So this is the Government's attempt to send people to Rwanda.
The Government's latest immigration policy now makes it harder
for anyone to bring their wife or spouse into the country.
This sounds petty -
it's probably just aimed at Prince Harry.
LAUGHTER AND GROANS.
The BBC covered Robert Jenrick's resignation
and protest of the bill, including the question
that everyone is asking.
LAUGHTER.
Paul and Richard, take a look at this.
Yes.
OK.
This is a man who set his alarm clock too early.
There he is being injected with some backbone.
RICHARD: And that's literally just before the Bible catches fire.
Boris has appeared at the Covid inquiry on Wednesday and Thursday
and claimed that when he said things like, "Let people die," he was just
expressing views that other people had said,
him being one of them.
I wasn't entirely convinced by the emotional bit.
And the fact that he had an onion chopped up in front of him.
How did Boris prepare for his appearance?
I imagine in these situations you want to sort of practise,
you know, in a room where people fire questions at you and you're
determined not to lose your temper, show an even handed spirit,
sort of thing, while people shout "fuckwit" at you.
I bet Carrie was more than happy to do a few practices of that.
According to the Times, Boris's legal team presented him with...
As if he's going to read that!
This is Boris at the start of the day.
That serious hairdo.
Mm-hm.
Here he is at the end.
MAISIE: You know it's bad when I'm slagging off your hair!
I've heard that, apparently, he deliberately ruffles himself up...
I've seen him do it on this program me.
Just come out of make-up, make-up's there, sort
of combing his hair and stuff.
15 seconds later...
HE MUMBLES.
Admittedly, there is a wind tunnel between there and here.
But it's an attempt to distract attention from the fact that his
answers are all over the place. Yes.
You just look at his hair and think, "Why is that so messy?"
And then you look at what he's saying, which was pitiful.
Yeah.
And he was smirking. He literally...
He's still taking the piss out of us...
Don't you think?
APPLAUSE.
I feel a bit sorry for the guy.
He's been called a liar, he's been accused of all sorts of things,
but he must be thinking, "Good news.
I can get myself out of this because I've got all those
WhatsApps that I sent at the time that are going to
prove my innocence."
And then he goes to his phone, he's like, "Oh,
you are absolutely kidding me?!"
He doesn't have anyone like MI5 or anyone who can
actually get them back. No, no.
There's nothing he can do! That's it, done.
Shall we be fair?
I mean, technology's not easy. Here it is in action.
Do you know why your phone was missing those
5,000-odd WhatsApps?
I don't know the exact reason, but it looks as though it's
something to do with the app going down and then,
um, coming up again.
LAUGHTER.
Um, but...
...somehow not...
Automatically erasing all the things between...
...that date, when it went down, and the moment when it was last
backed up, so...I...
I can't give you the technical explanation, but that's
the best I'm able to give.
That's like having a conversation with my mum.
I mean, even my mum's got someone round the corner who can fix it.
MAISIE: Your mum's going to be fuming with that, Richard.
I wouldn't be happy if I were your mum and you've just compared...
You wouldn't be happy if you were my mum?!
Whoa!
Been invited on the program me as a guest, best-selling novelist.
Blimey!
And I wouldn't be a good enough son? No, I hear you.
I shouldn't say that about my mum. But I'm just saying...
You backtracked that quickly, didn't you?
Boris Johnson was being quizzed about various members of his Cabinet
during the pandemic.
What did he have to say about Matt Hancock?
He supported him.
He stood up for him, didn't he? Did he?
Yeah.
He said he still backs him as a minister.
Over a cliff.
He said he was...
No!
Intellectually a table.
But not...
...intellectually able.
No way.
No way, the man's a buffoon.
Intellectually able.
It's not a glowing review, is it?
No.
It's like, "Oh, yeah, he's capable of thought."
The other thing Boris said, cos they were arguing
about lockdown and he said, "I'm defending lockdown
because it was the only tool I had available.”
And I thought, God, look at your Cabinet.
What's gone up at the BBC?
Oh!
Naga...
The licence fee.
Correct.
Oh, yeah.
£10.50 more, isn't it?
But the Government said it can't go up in line with inflation.
It has to be... It's about half, isn't it?
Unlike other years, the rise is less than the average
annual inflation rate.
There is a real question about how this is going to affect
the quality of BBC programming.
The answer being, that's...
CONTINUOUS HIGH-PITCHED TONE.
Isn't it great that, like, on the day that the licence fee
was announced that it was going up, it went to BBC News,
where the newsreader greeted you with that.
Have we got the clip? Oh, yes!
Have you seen this?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
SCATTERED CHEERING.
Oh!
I love it.
It's very good.
It's the split second that she changes, though.
It's really...
I mean, has anyone officially timed how quickly we get from that
to, um, the Middle East?
You should do that, Naga, every time you do the news.
Imagine if you started tonight going, "Hello,
welcome to Have I Got News For You."
RICHARD: BBC Breakfast tomorrow, you and Charlie, both of you.
Just the first ten minutes.
Ten minutes?!
Yeah.
And now here's Carol with the weather.
MAISIE: I feel like Carol Kirkwood's more of a...
Like that.
I've never seen Naga looking so uncomfortable.
MAISIE GIGGLES.
OK...
LAUGHTER.
This is Boris Johnson's evidence at the Covid enquiry.
Talking about aggressive WhatsApp exchanges between his advisers
and the civil service, Boris Johnson told
the enquiry that...
I'm buying into this, OK.
So, Boris, you're a useless tosser.
Make of that what you will.
APPLAUSE.
And so to round two, the Strengthometer Of News.
Ian.
Oh.
IAN CHUCKLES.
Is that a promise?
You're in a feisty mood tonight, lan.
Have you had a cappuccino?
I've had a chai latte, mate.
I feel like my mum and dad are having an argument
at the dinner table.
Yeah, I'm getting a look. Yeah.
RICHARD: And she's my mum, so...
APPLAUSE.
Yeah!
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
Here's your first one.
Buzz in if you know the answer.
BELL RINGS.
BUZZER.
This is the garden ornament that the couple had
in their garden for many years, decades even, and it turned out
to be an unexploded bomb.
As the sign helpfully suggests.
You'd think they would have spotted that, wouldn't you, over the years?
And I think she said, "I used to sort of clean the spade
on it sometimes just by knocking the spade,
knocking the mud off it."
Yeah, you're bang-on.
Jeffrey and Sian Edwards of South Wales had left
the unexploded missile outside their home for more
than four decades because they...
This is it.
Yeah.
What else did Mrs Edwards use the bomb for?
Well, she explains.
I used to put new plants in, put fresh, and I'd dig
them with my trowel, and it was the right
height for me to bang the trowel onto the bomb,
then, to get rid of the excess earth.
I've done it for 40...
I did it a couple of weeks ago.
I've done it for 41 years.
I patted the bomb the morning, the Thursday morning,
and wished it good luck.
How did they discover it was a bomb?
Did they take it to the Antiques Roadshow?
Did the Saudis try to buy it?
I think it was a policeman, wasn't it?
Yeah, a passing policeman noticed it in their back garden.
Jeffrey Edwards told the Guardian...
That's the least it could do.
Yes.
The bomb's old spot now awaits...
Or they could go for one of these lovely cacti,
which were found on a beach the other day.
An elderly couple were surprised on a recent trip to Wetherspoons.
Have you heard of this story?
I thought you were going to say, "Have you heard of Wetherspoons?”
Yeah.
RICHARD: There's a Facebook game you can play where if you're
in a particular Wetherspoons you can send a thing asking for people
to buy you a drink.
And a guy was there with his elderly parents.
It was their grandson, yeah.
It was their grandson.
It was like 10 Downing Street by the end of it, I think.
Yeah.
So, we can show you the couple, happy couple
at the start of the night.
AUDIENCE: Aw!
There you go.
And then the pints, the wine, the shots started to arrive.
LAUGHTER.
APPLAUSE.
Is she thinking to herself, "I should have married
Cary Grant when I had the chance"?
Time now for the Odd One Out Round.
Just one between you this week.
Oh, OK.
Your four are...
Australia, Mo Salah,
an iceberg, and King Charles's curtains.
BUZZER.
Well, the iceberg, that's the big iceberg that's
floated away from all the other ice.
It is.
Is it five times the size of Britain or something like that?
What?!
RICHARD: Whoa.
It's twice the size of Greater London.
Oh...
Which is still...
Are there other parts of Britain?
Yeah. Do you know what?
You can only say that in front of a London audience.
APPLAUSE.
I don't mean that.
I can say it cos it was a London audience.
I wouldn't say it in Sheffield.
It's so unlike a man to exaggerate size, isn't it?
MAISIE SPLUTTERS.
Well, to compare something to twice the size of Greater London,
yes, it is quite rare.
And don't forget, 90% of it's under water.
Yeah, exactly.
Have they all scored against Chelsea this season?
I think you better tell us.
They've all turned up somewhere unexpectedly apart from Australia,
which hasn't turned up at all.
It was recently revealed that if you went onto the search
engine Bing and typed...
...the answer that comes back is...
How have Australians reacted to the suggestion
that they're not real?
Well, they haven't.
How can they?
I would say with typical robust and bawdy humour.
One person commented, saying...
There we are.
You saw Mo Salah, Liverpool striker.
Mo Salah says he plays a game of online chess every day, but...
Well, until he wins and runs around the room with his shirt
pulled over his head.
Let's talk about King Charles's curtains, shall we?
Where have they turned up?
Are these big curtains or are they those little
ones like on a plaque, where you say, "I declare this
open,” and you go...
You don't have to pout when you do it.
Do you not?
Has he re-gifted?
Has he?!
Has he re-gifted them?
Oh!
Re-gifted his curtains to Prince Harry for Christmas?
He's had all the curtains in Buckingham Palace
and Windsor Castle taken down.
He's...
Is he Julie Andrews?
Here's one.
Oh.
RICHARD: That's nice.
That's charming.
It looks just like a curtain.
He's made a special blue one.
This is what Charles sent to Akshata Sunak.
Time now for the Missing Words Round, which this week features
as its guest publication KO - the lifestyle magazine
for dog lovers.
We're going to start with...
RICHARD: Stuck with a large bill.
Yes!
MAISIE: Oh, Richard.
There we are.
APPLAUSE.
Man who takes pet duck to the pub...
Now, this is Gillingham man Mark Col yer, with his duck called Dog.
Is that the hat he wears?
You don't need to be bringing a duck if that's the hat
you're wearing to the pub.
There's a lot of conversation starters there, aren't there?
A duck is a good conversation starter.
And, in fact, a good starter.
It's also a rather ambiguous phrase, isn't it?
"The duck is a conversation starter."
As if the duck goes round the pub, saying, "What was the best
holiday you ever had?”
Yeah, he's a real introvert and the duck is just his wing man.
Yeah, wing man!
Yeah. Oh, you're on fire, Richard!
Doesn't even know he's doing it. Didn't even know I was doing it.
Doesn't know he's doing it.
APPLAUSE.
I bet when you write your books you think, "Oh, I didn't know
that was the killer!"
Next...
MAISIE: You should have thought about that before taking up
competitive chain-smoking.
To take a wild guess, is it, "sell your soul to Beelzebub"?
Lucifer?
Grant Shapps?
If you want to live longer then you should...
Avoid...?
Oh. Ah.
Eat more beans.
Now, this is according to Helena Pereira dos Santos of Brazil.
She's 115 years old.
MAISIE: No! RICHARD: Whoa!
Doesn't look a day over 114.
I think that's the biggest disparity between the size of earrings
and the size of ears I've ever seen in my life.
Look at that.
Next...
Oh, this is a Samuel Johnson quote, isn't it?
"A dog that doesn't enjoy a bath will be tired of London."
RICHARD: Oh, is it, "will look like Boris Johnson
within three days"?
MAISIE: It's that Japanese proverb.
"A dog that doesn't enjoy a bath will prosper in the shower."
A dog that doesn't enjoy a bath will...
Oh, how do you know?
You see their little paws going when they're
sleeping, don't you?
No.
Finally...
To fart in front of an Archbishop. It's that old joke, isn't it?
"How dare you fart before the Archbishop?”
"I'm awfully sorry, I didn't know it was his turn.”
Is it to offer Black Forest gateau?
LAUGHTER.
I know, it's an awful thought.
Is it take cocaine?
Why does that suddenly sound like a line from an Oscar Wilde play?
"Where do you keep your cocaine? In a handbag?"
Etiquette guide says it's now acceptable to...
Do remember, though, it's never acceptable to talk
about dinner at an orgy.
The final scores are in, and Maisie...
We're still on two, aren't we?!
This is worse than when I went on The Chase.
Paul and Richard, you've progressed to six.
Well done.
Six, there we are, you see.
APPLAUSE.
I'm going to apologise to Maisie and say I'm really sorry.
It wasn't my fault, I was badly advised, collectively...
LAUGHTER.
And I am... I am very...
SOBS ..Very sorry.
And I would just like to say about lan, he's actually very
intellectually able.
APPLAUSE.
Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
It's a misquote from Richard III.
"A duck, a duck, my kingdom...
.for a duck."
And the duck is saying, "Which pub are we going to tonight?”
Is the man in the back saying, "Where did you get that?"
And the duck says, "I won him in a raffle.”
On which note we say thank you to our panel lists,
lan Hislop, Maisie Adam, Paul Merton and Richard Osman.
And I leave you with news that during a foreign policy
meeting at Number 10, there's an unscheduled break
in proceedings after Larry the Cat climbs onto a ceiling fan.
In Westminster, there's evidence that Keir Starmer has spent the last
ten minutes listening to Angela Rayner.
And at a warehouse rave in Hackney Wick, after the bar runs
out of bottled water, there are concerns that Michael Gove
may be a little dehydrated.
Goodnight.
APPLAUSE