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This programme contains
some strong language
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This programme contains
some strong language
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
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Good evening and welcome
to Have I Got News For You.
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I'm Professor Hannah Fry.
In the news this week...
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In Whitehall, with several ministers
not expecting to be back
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after the next election,
a rather nice Rembrandt suddenly
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disappears from the wall.
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After more than an hour waiting
for the Labour leader,
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the camouflage unit
of the Royal Fusiliers are beginning
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to wonder where Keir Starmer is.
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And late for a meeting
in the Capitol Building,
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Joe Biden makes a quick dash
across town from the White House.
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On Ian's team tonight is a comedian
who works as an NHS anaesthetist.
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So if you are a former patient
and you recognise him, he obviously
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didn't do his job properly.
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Please welcome Ed Patrick.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
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On Paul's team tonight is a comedian
who in her spare time loves
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going diving and says,
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"I'm so lucky to have seen some
of the things I've seen underwater."
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Well, there's someone who hasn't
swum in the Thames recently.
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Please welcome Zoe Lyons.
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APPLAUSE.
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We begin with the bigger news
stories of the week.
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Ian and Ed, have a look at this.
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Some good looking PPE.
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Rishi doing his bit
for the environment.
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Oh, and that's the capital
gains tax rally. Yeah!
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This is Labour's plan to close tax
avoidance loopholes to raise more
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money to throw at the NHS.
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They had a problem, didn't they,
because the Tories stole their idea,
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which was to stop non-doms,
which is an idea some
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of us have had for years!
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And the thing was, we were going
to crack down on tax fraud,
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and this will raise the money
and then we can start
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reforming the NHS.
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Paying you better!
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Absolutely, yeah.
This is why I'm here!
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Are we for that?
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
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About half the audience
were convinced there.
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Let's hear from those
people who are against it.
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The only reason he's
on is so we can see a doctor.
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I do have quite a nasty rash I'd
like you to have a look at, Ed.
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Staying with the NHS,
what has a medical centre in Kent
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been asking patients to do?
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Oh, perform their own operations?
Well, it won't be long, will it?
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Yeah.
Honestly, you're not far off.
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Really?
Really?
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Oh, perform operations
on each other?
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I think there should be a show,
you know, Celebrity Surgery.
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Your chance to have your spleen
removed by Joe Pasquale.
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No, a medical centre in Kent sent
this message to patients.
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We're going to go back
to tax for a minute.
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We're going to go back
to tax for a minute.
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Yes, let's!
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Who else is in the firing line
when it comes to tax, unpaid tax?
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Is it Angela Rayner?
It is Angela Rayner.
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I know, Ian, you were a bit
dismissive of this last week,
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so if you could pay attention.
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No, there is an issue here.
Mm-hm.
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In that Labour are announcing a tax
clamp-down in the same week
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as Angela Rayner won't publish
the details of her
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capital gains tax.
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So, you can see there is a problem,
and you're only allowed,
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even if you're married,
to have one principal residence.
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So people keep saying,
why doesn't she just publish her tax
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advice and clear the matter up?
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It was interesting,
because I wonder how much
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of it is a sort of genuine mistake,
because we all make
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mistakes, you know.
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I accidentally certified my own
death once, you know.
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I thought you were about to say,
"I've killed a number of people..."
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Myself, yes!
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And what are the Tories
demanding now?
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That she publishes the legal advice.
Close - they're saying...
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There's a sci-fi film
you don't want to see, innit?
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Why do you think, though,
the Conservative supporting
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press are so keen to take
Angela Rayner down?
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They're utterly terrified of her.
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And they know that they're going
to lose the next general election.
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I mean, they're dropping
like flies, aren't they?
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Every time you see a Tory MP
at the moment, they've got a little
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paper box in the hands like that.
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"I won't be coming back,
won't be needing this."
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The ones I see are
sending me pictures!
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Well, they'll have to depend
on their OnlyFans pages
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after this, won't they?
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Yes, she is one of the few
people in the Labour Party
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with a personality.
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Or, perhaps...
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as David Lammy puts it, she's...
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So, the other reason
that the Conservatives
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are going for Angela Rayner
is that she does keep demanding that
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lots of people resign.
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Here is a list of the people whose
resignation Angela Rayner has
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demanded over the last five or six
years, have a look at this.
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Yeah, but she's not been wrong
on any of those, has she?
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That's like the worst list
of Shag, Marry, Avoid.
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OK, so where has Keir
Starmer been recently?
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Hmm...
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He's been in Vogue!
Did you not catch it?
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In Vogue magazine?!
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Vogue magazine, yes,
there is a soft-focus profile
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of Keir and his wife,
and it revealed...
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Yeah?
Not very much at all. Oh.
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Except there was one bit in it
which was good, which was,
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what did Keir's wife-to-be say
after she'd first met him?
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"Who are you?"
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I mean, very close.
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It does seem, though,
as though Keir Starmer
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is getting a little
bit more self-awareness.
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OK. Rishi Sunak also had
an interview this week.
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Yes.
How did that go?
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He gave one to LBC, where he
couldn't remember the woman's name.
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She came from Rhondda
and he called her Rhonda.
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Shall we have a look at the clip?
Yes, please.
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Prime Minister, thank you.
Let's go to the next call.
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Louise is in the Rhondda Valley,
and you're through to
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the Prime Minister.
Go ahead, Louise, morning to you.
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Good morning, Nick.
Good morning, Prime Minister.
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Hi, Rhonda...Oh, sorry...
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Louise. Louise.
Sorry, Louise, hi.
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"Or can I call you Ms Valley?"
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Unfortunately, that is not the only
thing that has gone wrong
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for the Prime Minister this week.
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Shall we play a bonus game?
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Yes, please.
Yes, please, yeah.
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Bonus game, bonus game.
Does it come with a bit that goes...
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# Bonus game, bonus game,
bonus game, bonus game!#
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It's your own time
you're wasting, Paul.
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I think you'll find it's the BBC's.
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APPLAUSE.
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Right, shall we play a bonus game?
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No. No, I don't want to.
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I wouldn't wish to
waste anybody's time.
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We're going to play a round of
Rishi's Randomiser of Rubbish.
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Figures on buzzers, teams,
here's the first one.
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JINGLE PLAYS.
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BUZZER.
Oh, do you know this?
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He was seen wearing a pair
of trainers, is that...?
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Oh!
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That is one of them,
but not this one.
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Oh, OK.
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That would be the picture
of the trainer, probably.
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Oh, yeah!
His trousers were too short.
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They were.
Trousers were too short.
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People were saying his trousers
are two inches too short,
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and Rishi Sunak passionately
defended his trouser length
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by telling the Sun...
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I mean, he's not a tall man.
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He's probably just
wearing long shorts.
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In that same interview,
we found out, where does Rishi Sunak
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like to go for breakfast?
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Oh, God...
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Wetherspoon's.
Oh, he doesn't! He said...
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Which is interesting,
because the Wetherspoon's app
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stayed on his phone,
but not the WhatsApps.
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Strange. Yeah.
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OK, fingers on buzzers,
here's the next one.
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Something tells me you're
going to get this one.
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Oh, go on, go on.
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JINGLE PLAYS.
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BUZZER.
His trousers are too short.
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So, he's wearing a pair
of these Adidas...
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Are they called Sham...
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Sambas?
Sambas.
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Sambas, yeah.
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They were voted Trainer of the Year,
and now he's been seen wearing them,
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sales will go off a cliff.
Absolutely.
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Here's what GQ magazine said.
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Next one. Fingers on buzzers,
what about this one?
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JINGLE PLAYS.
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Oh.
Oh.
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BUZZER.
Oh, yes.
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Is this about the houses in Rwanda
that were for the people
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who were going to be sent there,
were going to live in these houses?
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These houses have now been sold off.
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Indeed.
Here is a picture...
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Would you like to see it?
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..of the accommodation,
and a sad gazumpee.
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Also, the state airline,
Rwandair as it's called,
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told Rishi Sunak that they don't
want to be associated
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with the Government's deportation
scheme, because of the...
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They should just give
it to Ryanair, surely.
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They'd do it, wouldn't they?
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But they'd then drop you off
probably in Burundi or Congo
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and you'd have to get a bus to go...
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I've been to Rwanda and I've watched
a silverback gorilla mate.
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You dirty devil!
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With Suella Braverman?
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APPLAUSE.
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Now, we mustn't forget
the Lib Dems, so... Who?
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It's been a bit of an awkward week
for Ed Davey because of Alan Bates'
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evidence at the Post Office enquiry.
Yes.
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But what has been
tickling him recently?
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Mrs Ed Davey?
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Is it one of their ploys where
they knock over something blue?
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Oh!
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You're absolutely right, it's one
of their hilarious visual metaphors.
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Oh!
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The time is running
out for Rishi Sunak!
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CHEERING.
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I think it should read,
"Time's slowing down."
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So, this is the news that Labour
are preparing for power
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by getting their financial scandals
in early, BEFORE they
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become the Government.
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The accusations emerged
in an authorised biography
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of Rayner which was titled...
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Annoying, because that
means my biography now has to be
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called Ginger Lady Boffin.
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Ginger Lady Boffin?!
Yeah, Ginger Lady Boffin.
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Look, I'm sticking by it
and it'll be out soon.
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Exactly.
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Rishi Sunak revealed this week
that he was a big fan of...
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Presumably, when the barman
asks him, "Small vegetarian?"
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Rishi replies, "Yes, I am,
can I have some breakfast?"
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The Westminster honeytrappers
are still trying to ensnare
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politicians by sending them pictures
of men and women, and
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in one case a tractor.
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When Jacob Rees-Mogg
was asked to comment on...
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..he said, "Leave my kids out of it,
I'll name them as I please."
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OK, Paul and Zoe,
have a look at this.
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Ah, yes, this is the Scrabble news.
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Scrabble has been around for a very
long time as a game.
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And they're going to introduce
a new version of it,
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which is a simpler version...
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There's a couple of
people arguing over it.
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There is a simpler version of it
coming along, but they don't want
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people to feel bad about it,
but it's called
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Scrabble for Thickos.
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I think they were saying that young
people are more compassionate,
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they're less competitive,
so they want a version that people
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aren't trying to win.
It's a bit like panel games. Yes.
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Well, it's been clear that you've
not been trying to win for 35 years.
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APPLAUSE.
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It's my age, I'm very Gen Z.
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But there are specialists,
aren't there, who know,
240
00:12:51,490 --> 00:12:55,090
you know, two letter words -
IY or something, you know,
241
00:12:55,090 --> 00:12:57,170
very obscure sort of words...
242
00:12:57,170 --> 00:12:59,810
But that's sort of the dull version
of Scrabble, you know,
243
00:12:59,810 --> 00:13:01,250
people who look up two-letter words.
244
00:13:01,250 --> 00:13:03,610
Oh, you mean Strip Scrabble?
Now, there's a game.
245
00:13:03,610 --> 00:13:05,530
I think I've got another
vowel coming on.
246
00:13:05,530 --> 00:13:10,530
Sorry about that.
247
00:13:12,570 --> 00:13:14,930
Three gold cards you get,
you also get some helper
248
00:13:14,930 --> 00:13:16,850
cards and you've got
to complete 20 challenges.
249
00:13:16,850 --> 00:13:19,930
The challenges, though,
by the way, include...
250
00:13:25,530 --> 00:13:30,530
And as ever, "Stop Grandad putting
down a word that's a bit racist."
251
00:13:31,930 --> 00:13:33,810
What has Brett Smitheram got to say?
252
00:13:33,810 --> 00:13:35,490
Do you know who he is?
253
00:13:35,490 --> 00:13:36,530
No. No.
254
00:13:36,530 --> 00:13:38,330
He's the UK's number
one Scrabble player.
255
00:13:38,330 --> 00:13:40,410
He says that the simpler
version is for people...
256
00:13:45,610 --> 00:13:48,250
Thing is, in this show,
there is no place for losers,
257
00:13:48,250 --> 00:13:51,370
or for any fun, so fingers
on buzzers, we're going to have some
258
00:13:51,370 --> 00:13:52,410
quick Scrabble related questions.
259
00:13:52,410 --> 00:13:54,570
What do you mean, there's
no place for losers?
260
00:13:54,570 --> 00:13:55,610
He's... Doesn't matter.
261
00:13:55,610 --> 00:13:56,650
OK, question one.
262
00:13:56,650 --> 00:13:59,770
What is the highest scoring word
you can fit on a Scrabble board?
263
00:13:59,770 --> 00:14:01,890
I know this one.
It's ANAESTHETIST.
264
00:14:01,890 --> 00:14:03,370
Ooh! It is a medical thing.
265
00:14:03,370 --> 00:14:07,050
Is it WAITING LIST?
266
00:14:07,050 --> 00:14:09,210
Yeah, that's the longest.
By far the longest.
267
00:14:09,210 --> 00:14:11,130
It's OXYPHENBUTAZONE.
Do you know what that is?
268
00:14:11,130 --> 00:14:15,450
No. Yeah.
It's a very...
269
00:14:15,450 --> 00:14:17,850
You know, we haven't got
time to go into that.
270
00:14:17,850 --> 00:14:21,050
Yeah, of course, yeah.
271
00:14:21,050 --> 00:14:23,210
Do you have a favourite
drug to give patients?
272
00:14:23,210 --> 00:14:25,170
I do, yeah.
I get do cool things.
273
00:14:25,170 --> 00:14:27,290
I give ketamine to kids.
That's cool, isn't it?
274
00:14:27,290 --> 00:14:29,690
LAUGHTER.
275
00:14:29,690 --> 00:14:32,450
Pretty much every day,
I give ketamine or fentanyl to kids,
276
00:14:32,450 --> 00:14:35,130
and then I go to work.
So...
277
00:14:35,130 --> 00:14:39,210
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
278
00:14:39,210 --> 00:14:41,210
OK, question two.
279
00:14:41,210 --> 00:14:43,370
Yex is a word that is
allowed in Scrabble.
280
00:14:43,370 --> 00:14:45,090
Yex.
What does it mean?
281
00:14:45,090 --> 00:14:46,810
Yex. Yex.
282
00:14:46,810 --> 00:14:50,170
Is it when you're really eager
to have sex and you just go "Yex"?
283
00:14:50,170 --> 00:14:52,850
LAUGHTER.
284
00:14:52,850 --> 00:14:55,250
Does that crop up much
in your line of work?
285
00:14:55,250 --> 00:14:58,850
LAUGHTER.
286
00:14:58,850 --> 00:15:00,050
It means to hiccup, everybody.
287
00:15:00,050 --> 00:15:02,210
What is the longest word
playable using only vowels?
288
00:15:02,210 --> 00:15:03,650
Ooh...
289
00:15:03,650 --> 00:15:04,930
It is...
290
00:15:06,690 --> 00:15:07,890
It's a Gregorian
cadence, apparently.
291
00:15:07,890 --> 00:15:09,330
Do you know that word, Ian?
292
00:15:09,330 --> 00:15:13,610
Yes, but you can't use it since 2016
cos it's got EU at the front.
293
00:15:13,610 --> 00:15:18,610
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
294
00:15:19,330 --> 00:15:21,250
This is the news that
Scrabble has been
295
00:15:21,250 --> 00:15:24,130
made easier for a younger generation
who find the game too intimidating
296
00:15:24,130 --> 00:15:25,810
and don't like competition.
297
00:15:25,810 --> 00:15:28,930
Here's a fun fact about Scrabble -
it's the only realm of human
298
00:15:28,930 --> 00:15:31,650
experience where Kwasi Kwarteng
has any value.
299
00:15:31,650 --> 00:15:34,730
LAUGHTER.
300
00:15:34,730 --> 00:15:37,610
APPLAUSE.
301
00:15:37,610 --> 00:15:39,050
And so to Round Two and,
302
00:15:39,050 --> 00:15:41,690
in tribute the late physics genius
Peter Higgs, it's time for
303
00:15:41,690 --> 00:15:43,930
the Large Hadron Collider of News.
304
00:15:43,930 --> 00:15:46,090
Mm.
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
305
00:15:46,090 --> 00:15:47,210
Yeah.
306
00:15:47,210 --> 00:15:50,010
BELL.
Hang on, that's just a graphic.
307
00:15:50,010 --> 00:15:52,850
LAUGHTER.
308
00:15:52,850 --> 00:15:54,530
Oh, I thought it was the eclipse.
309
00:15:54,530 --> 00:15:55,570
BELL.
310
00:15:55,570 --> 00:15:58,450
So this is before my time
but I believe there's a TV
311
00:15:58,450 --> 00:16:01,290
show called That's Life!
Mm-hm.
312
00:16:01,290 --> 00:16:04,370
From what I understand, there
was a saying that this dog had.
313
00:16:04,370 --> 00:16:05,570
Mm-hm.
Which was, "Sausages."
314
00:16:05,570 --> 00:16:06,610
Mm. Mm.
315
00:16:06,610 --> 00:16:08,530
They revealed this week
that it wasn't actually
316
00:16:08,530 --> 00:16:10,690
the dog saying sausages,
everyone believed the dog was,
317
00:16:10,690 --> 00:16:13,810
but it turned out actually the dog
was growling and what was making
318
00:16:13,810 --> 00:16:17,530
the noise was the owner squeezing
the throat during the growl.
319
00:16:17,530 --> 00:16:20,650
For those of you who don't remember,
would you like to remind yourself
320
00:16:20,650 --> 00:16:21,690
of this classic moment?
321
00:16:21,690 --> 00:16:23,890
Tell us what you have on a Thursday.
Yeah...
322
00:16:23,890 --> 00:16:25,650
DOG GROWLS.
And what?
323
00:16:25,650 --> 00:16:27,810
DOG: Sausages.
324
00:16:27,810 --> 00:16:29,970
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
325
00:16:29,970 --> 00:16:33,970
He could also say other words.
326
00:16:33,970 --> 00:16:36,250
Do you know what other
words Prince could say?
327
00:16:36,250 --> 00:16:37,770
AS A DOG: "Black pudding."
328
00:16:37,770 --> 00:16:39,770
LAUGHTER.
329
00:16:39,770 --> 00:16:44,770
AS A DOG: "Stop squeezing my throat.
"Can you contact the RSPCA?"
330
00:16:48,690 --> 00:16:52,610
He could say, "Jar."
He could say, "Anthony."
331
00:16:52,610 --> 00:16:55,330
And..."George..."
PAUL LAUGHS.
332
00:16:55,330 --> 00:16:57,490
..who was the neighbour
who fed him the sausages.
333
00:16:57,490 --> 00:17:00,330
This is the news that the famous
talking dog on That's Life!
334
00:17:00,330 --> 00:17:03,210
wasn't actually saying, "Sausages."
335
00:17:03,210 --> 00:17:05,850
The dog was being made
to make sounds by its owner
336
00:17:05,850 --> 00:17:08,010
squeezing its throat,
but the TV crew were reassured
337
00:17:08,010 --> 00:17:11,730
that the dog was happy
because his tail was wagging.
338
00:17:11,730 --> 00:17:14,410
Although, it turned out
that was only because Esther Rantzen
339
00:17:14,410 --> 00:17:18,370
was tickling his testicles.
340
00:17:18,370 --> 00:17:21,530
LAUGHTER.
341
00:17:21,530 --> 00:17:23,770
That's life.
342
00:17:23,770 --> 00:17:28,770
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
343
00:17:30,090 --> 00:17:31,690
OK, fingers on buzzers, teams.
344
00:17:31,690 --> 00:17:33,530
BELL.
345
00:17:33,530 --> 00:17:35,810
It's the eclipse. Done it again.
346
00:17:35,810 --> 00:17:38,850
BUZZER.
347
00:17:38,850 --> 00:17:42,890
LAUGHTER.
348
00:17:42,890 --> 00:17:44,570
This is the eclipse,
which was passing
349
00:17:44,570 --> 00:17:46,770
through North America,
and it happens infrequently
350
00:17:46,770 --> 00:17:49,250
but people are always
amazed and amused by it.
351
00:17:49,250 --> 00:17:52,130
Do you want to have a little
look at what they saw?
352
00:17:52,130 --> 00:17:53,170
I'd rather not, no.
353
00:17:53,170 --> 00:17:54,210
OK...
354
00:17:54,210 --> 00:17:57,370
Isn't that logo for Disprin?
355
00:17:57,370 --> 00:17:59,530
Scientists also used this
as an opportunity to study
356
00:17:59,530 --> 00:18:02,970
what effect the eclipse had
on the behaviour of animals.
357
00:18:02,970 --> 00:18:04,890
It was amazing.
They thought it was night.
358
00:18:04,890 --> 00:18:06,330
Not all of them, though.
No.
359
00:18:06,330 --> 00:18:08,490
Cos according to The Guardian,
there were zebras at
360
00:18:08,490 --> 00:18:10,010
Dallas Zoo who were...
361
00:18:13,450 --> 00:18:15,090
LAUGHTER.
362
00:18:15,090 --> 00:18:18,410
They do see things in very
black and white, though.
363
00:18:18,410 --> 00:18:21,090
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
364
00:18:21,090 --> 00:18:22,530
Trump didn't wear the glasses.
365
00:18:22,530 --> 00:18:24,450
Yeah, you're right.
366
00:18:24,450 --> 00:18:27,330
Last time there was an eclipse
in the US, Trump was mocked
367
00:18:27,330 --> 00:18:28,770
for looking directly at the sun.
368
00:18:28,770 --> 00:18:30,930
Do you know what we did
this time, though?
369
00:18:30,930 --> 00:18:32,370
He did it again.
Er, no.
370
00:18:32,370 --> 00:18:35,170
He released a video on Truth Social
to celebrate the occasion.
371
00:18:35,170 --> 00:18:37,650
Oh, my God!
There it is!
372
00:18:37,650 --> 00:18:39,970
LAUGHTER.
373
00:18:39,970 --> 00:18:44,970
SHE SCREAMS.
374
00:18:45,050 --> 00:18:50,050
LAUGHTER.
375
00:18:51,770 --> 00:18:56,770
GROANING.
376
00:18:56,930 --> 00:19:00,690
The idea that you put out a video
saying darkness will descend...
377
00:19:00,690 --> 00:19:03,210
LAUGHTER.
378
00:19:03,210 --> 00:19:06,090
When the eclipse happened,
the most Googled thing was,
379
00:19:06,090 --> 00:19:08,930
"Why do my eyes hurt?"
380
00:19:08,930 --> 00:19:11,530
Which, I don't know,
I'd like to think that we're more
381
00:19:11,530 --> 00:19:13,410
advanced than moths but...
382
00:19:13,410 --> 00:19:15,330
I feel like the next
Googled question was,
383
00:19:15,330 --> 00:19:17,250
"How do I get out this lamp shade?"
384
00:19:17,250 --> 00:19:19,610
LAUGHTER.
385
00:19:19,610 --> 00:19:20,810
You know what, though?
What?
386
00:19:20,810 --> 00:19:22,730
You were right, Paul,
about the eclipse looking
387
00:19:22,730 --> 00:19:23,930
like the Disprin ad.
Yes.
388
00:19:23,930 --> 00:19:24,970
LAUGHTER.
389
00:19:24,970 --> 00:19:28,010
Yeah. No, nothing like it.
390
00:19:28,010 --> 00:19:30,650
LAUGHTER.
391
00:19:30,650 --> 00:19:32,330
It's Panadol, isn't it,
that looks like...
392
00:19:32,330 --> 00:19:33,370
That's the one.
Panadol.
393
00:19:33,370 --> 00:19:35,610
Bring up Panadol.
394
00:19:35,610 --> 00:19:37,010
LAUGHTER.
395
00:19:37,010 --> 00:19:39,010
Panadol.
Panadol, Panadol, Panadol!
396
00:19:39,010 --> 00:19:40,690
It is Panadol, yeah.
397
00:19:40,690 --> 00:19:42,130
Sorry, it's not
Disprin, it's Panadol.
398
00:19:42,130 --> 00:19:43,810
Let's have a look.
399
00:19:43,810 --> 00:19:47,450
LAUGHTER.
400
00:19:47,450 --> 00:19:49,130
All right, Paul.
401
00:19:49,130 --> 00:19:50,290
All right. Good.
402
00:19:50,290 --> 00:19:53,690
Here we go.
That's nothing...
403
00:19:53,690 --> 00:19:57,130
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
404
00:19:57,130 --> 00:20:00,810
You've made me look a right thicko.
405
00:20:00,810 --> 00:20:03,650
Did anyone see how the eclipse
was inadvertently covered on Mexican
406
00:20:03,650 --> 00:20:06,170
rolling news this week?
407
00:20:06,170 --> 00:20:08,850
There was a particular eclipse
which wasn't the eclipse everyone
408
00:20:08,850 --> 00:20:10,290
thought it was going to be.
409
00:20:10,290 --> 00:20:12,930
Quite right.
Do you want to have a look at it?
410
00:20:12,930 --> 00:20:15,090
Are we allowed to have a look at it?
411
00:20:15,090 --> 00:20:17,010
I mean, I'm going to play the tape.
412
00:20:17,010 --> 00:20:21,650
THEY SPEAK SPANISH.
413
00:20:31,330 --> 00:20:32,370
LAUGHTER.
414
00:20:32,370 --> 00:20:35,810
I'm no astrologer, but that
doesn't look right.
415
00:20:35,810 --> 00:20:36,850
No.
416
00:20:36,850 --> 00:20:37,890
LAUGHTER.
417
00:20:37,890 --> 00:20:41,530
Do we get to see the
rings round his anus?
418
00:20:41,530 --> 00:20:46,130
If we wanted this sort of thing
we could go to the House of Commons.
419
00:20:46,130 --> 00:20:47,690
LAUGHTER.
420
00:20:47,690 --> 00:20:51,010
Time now for the Odd One Out round.
Just one between you this week.
421
00:20:51,010 --> 00:20:54,930
900 sub-postmasters,
Ronnie Winslow, Daniel Fairbrother,
422
00:20:54,930 --> 00:20:57,890
and journalists aboard
Air Force One.
423
00:20:57,890 --> 00:21:00,490
Well, the Post Office story
is about miscarriage.
424
00:21:00,490 --> 00:21:01,530
Mm-hm.
425
00:21:01,530 --> 00:21:04,450
900 people denied justice
and persecution for decades and not
426
00:21:04,450 --> 00:21:07,010
given any compensation and now
they're finally saying,
427
00:21:07,010 --> 00:21:08,930
"Oh, those people?
428
00:21:08,930 --> 00:21:11,170
Yes, yes, we knew they were
innocent, "we just...
429
00:21:11,170 --> 00:21:13,090
We just prosecuted them anyway."
430
00:21:13,090 --> 00:21:15,330
And the odd one out is...
431
00:21:15,330 --> 00:21:18,970
That's an absolute national disgrace
and I don't care much about...
432
00:21:18,970 --> 00:21:21,490
HE LAUGHS.
Anyway...
433
00:21:21,490 --> 00:21:24,690
APPLAUSE.
434
00:21:24,690 --> 00:21:27,090
Are you going to pick
an odd one out or...?
435
00:21:27,090 --> 00:21:29,850
Yes. The Winslow boy.
436
00:21:29,850 --> 00:21:30,890
Yes. Mm-hm.
437
00:21:30,890 --> 00:21:32,570
That was a miscarriage of justice.
Mm-hm.
438
00:21:32,570 --> 00:21:33,770
Stealing a postal order.
Exactly.
439
00:21:33,770 --> 00:21:34,810
Which he didn't do.
440
00:21:34,810 --> 00:21:37,690
He didn't, but he was smoking
so he should have been shot.
441
00:21:37,690 --> 00:21:38,930
Yeah.
442
00:21:38,930 --> 00:21:41,610
Any guesses for what
the odd one out is?
443
00:21:41,610 --> 00:21:43,530
Yes, the aeroplane
journalists cos they did it.
444
00:21:43,530 --> 00:21:46,010
They nicked stuff off the plane.
445
00:21:46,010 --> 00:21:47,130
You're absolutely right.
446
00:21:47,130 --> 00:21:49,970
They have all been wrongly accused
of stealing apart from journalists
447
00:21:49,970 --> 00:21:53,090
on board Air Force One who have been
asked to return stolen items.
448
00:21:53,090 --> 00:21:55,250
So, before the Post Office
inquiry resumed this week,
449
00:21:55,250 --> 00:21:57,810
what was the new evidence,
Ian?
450
00:21:57,810 --> 00:21:59,770
ITV had a tape...
Mm-hm.
451
00:21:59,770 --> 00:22:01,690
..of people saying, "We had
told Paula Vennells..."
452
00:22:01,690 --> 00:22:02,730
Mm-hm.
453
00:22:02,730 --> 00:22:05,450
"..that Horizon could remotely
access and fiddle their accounts."
454
00:22:05,450 --> 00:22:07,610
There was that and then
there was further evidence
455
00:22:07,610 --> 00:22:10,490
in the inquiry this week
and it is sort of getting there.
456
00:22:10,490 --> 00:22:13,130
It literally is everything that
anyone has ever said for two
457
00:22:13,130 --> 00:22:14,330
decades is absolutely true.
Mm.
458
00:22:14,330 --> 00:22:17,690
I was pleased to see that the BBC
did give Private Eye a mention
459
00:22:17,690 --> 00:22:20,330
because Private Eye did play a large
part in writing about
460
00:22:20,330 --> 00:22:21,610
the story for 20-odd years.
461
00:22:21,610 --> 00:22:25,250
APPLAUSE.
462
00:22:25,250 --> 00:22:28,330
That's not enough reason
to buy it but, you know...
463
00:22:28,330 --> 00:22:32,530
LAUGHTER.
464
00:22:32,530 --> 00:22:34,690
Do you know - one of
the general managers
465
00:22:34,690 --> 00:22:36,370
apologised this week from the Post
Office.
466
00:22:36,370 --> 00:22:41,370
He said, when they put the first
pregnant postmistress into jail,
467
00:22:41,530 --> 00:22:45,290
she lost her case, he sent a message
saying, "Brilliant result."
468
00:22:45,290 --> 00:22:50,290
He's now said, "With hindsight, that
doesn't look entirely appropriate."
469
00:22:50,610 --> 00:22:53,850
Ew.
470
00:22:53,850 --> 00:22:56,010
Well, Channel 4 did catch up
with Paula Vennells...
471
00:22:56,010 --> 00:22:57,050
Did they?
472
00:22:57,050 --> 00:22:58,090
..earlier this week.
473
00:22:58,090 --> 00:22:59,530
She came out of a church.
474
00:22:59,530 --> 00:23:01,210
Possibly praying for
some kind of miracle.
475
00:23:01,210 --> 00:23:02,410
Let's have a little look.
476
00:23:02,410 --> 00:23:05,290
Can I ask you to make the statement
you made, just so...
477
00:23:05,290 --> 00:23:06,730
In terms of the public inquiry?
478
00:23:06,730 --> 00:23:08,650
Have you got nothing
to say about that?
479
00:23:08,650 --> 00:23:10,330
Paula, you're accused
of lying to MPs.
480
00:23:10,330 --> 00:23:12,730
Did you lie to MPs?
481
00:23:12,730 --> 00:23:17,450
You're accused of being
at the centre of a major cover-up
482
00:23:17,450 --> 00:23:21,250
in this whole issue -
would you accept there's
483
00:23:21,250 --> 00:23:22,290
been a cover-up?
484
00:23:22,290 --> 00:23:24,850
There's a lot of evidence that
there's been a cover-up.
485
00:23:24,850 --> 00:23:26,050
Have you anything to say?
486
00:23:26,050 --> 00:23:30,810
And that, as they say, was that.
487
00:23:30,810 --> 00:23:33,930
Yeah, the truth will set you free.
488
00:23:33,930 --> 00:23:37,010
OK, so, Air Force One,
do we know what exactly the 13
489
00:23:37,010 --> 00:23:38,490
journalists are accused of stealing?
490
00:23:38,490 --> 00:23:40,930
Yeah, cutlery, teacups...
Mm-hm.
491
00:23:40,930 --> 00:23:45,450
..towels, anything that's got the
sort of presidential insignia on it.
492
00:23:45,450 --> 00:23:47,890
Absolutely. A wing.
493
00:23:47,890 --> 00:23:48,930
LAUGHTER.
494
00:23:48,930 --> 00:23:52,370
Do they have sick bags
on Air Force One?
495
00:23:52,370 --> 00:23:54,770
When Donald Trump's in charge.
I bet there will, yeah.
496
00:23:54,770 --> 00:23:57,650
According to The Daily Telegraph,
one of the items suspected of being
497
00:23:57,650 --> 00:23:59,330
taken off Air Force One was...
498
00:23:59,330 --> 00:24:01,730
Although, that later turned out
to be the White House
499
00:24:01,730 --> 00:24:02,930
code name for Joe Biden.
500
00:24:02,930 --> 00:24:05,530
LAUGHTER.
501
00:24:05,530 --> 00:24:07,450
Daniel Fairbrother, he's
the chap with the fridge,
502
00:24:07,450 --> 00:24:09,850
and he was stopped by police
in Stevenage for carrying
503
00:24:09,850 --> 00:24:11,050
a fridge on his back.
504
00:24:11,050 --> 00:24:13,690
Anyone know why he was carrying
a fridge on his back?
505
00:24:13,690 --> 00:24:16,810
Did they think he'd nicked it?
They did, they thought he nicked it.
506
00:24:16,810 --> 00:24:17,850
Wow. Yeah.
507
00:24:17,850 --> 00:24:19,770
He was actually out
running, training to break
508
00:24:19,770 --> 00:24:20,810
the record for the...
509
00:24:20,810 --> 00:24:23,010
LAUGHTER.
510
00:24:25,170 --> 00:24:27,850
I hope he gave the police
the cold shoulder.
511
00:24:27,850 --> 00:24:29,170
LAUGHTER AND GROANING.
512
00:24:29,170 --> 00:24:30,970
Yes.
Thank you.
513
00:24:30,970 --> 00:24:33,290
There we are.
514
00:24:33,290 --> 00:24:34,370
APPLAUSE.
515
00:24:34,370 --> 00:24:36,770
Anyone know why thefts
in Scotland would be going up?
516
00:24:36,770 --> 00:24:39,170
Oh, it's something to do
with the people who are
517
00:24:39,170 --> 00:24:40,170
running it, isn't it?
518
00:24:40,170 --> 00:24:41,250
LAUGHTER.
519
00:24:41,250 --> 00:24:43,170
It is because police,
they're too busy dealing
520
00:24:43,170 --> 00:24:45,570
with the crimes reported under
the Scottish hate speech...
521
00:24:45,570 --> 00:24:47,770
Oh, yeah, 8,000 of them.
Mm-hm.
522
00:24:47,770 --> 00:24:50,530
The First Minister of Scotland
introduces a new bill about hate
523
00:24:50,530 --> 00:24:53,290
crimes and says everybody can
complain and most people
524
00:24:53,290 --> 00:24:56,410
complained about him.
525
00:24:56,410 --> 00:24:58,810
And also they announced this
law on April Fools Day.
526
00:24:58,810 --> 00:25:00,970
Which probably isn't...
527
00:25:00,970 --> 00:25:03,610
I mean, I try to avoid
all those kind of days,
528
00:25:03,610 --> 00:25:05,050
especially in hospital,
like April Fools...
529
00:25:05,050 --> 00:25:07,450
The only one is Halloween -
love working in hospital
530
00:25:07,450 --> 00:25:10,330
on Halloween cos lots of people
dress up as doctors for Halloween
531
00:25:10,330 --> 00:25:12,010
so we feel really well staffed then.
532
00:25:12,010 --> 00:25:15,050
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
533
00:25:15,570 --> 00:25:18,450
OK, time now for the Missing Words
Round, which this week features
534
00:25:18,450 --> 00:25:20,610
as its guest publication Bushcraft -
the magazine dedicated
535
00:25:20,610 --> 00:25:23,050
to bushcraft and outdoor skills.
536
00:25:23,050 --> 00:25:24,970
And we are going to start with...
537
00:25:29,970 --> 00:25:31,370
That links you to a policeman.
538
00:25:31,370 --> 00:25:35,170
LAUGHTER.
539
00:25:35,170 --> 00:25:36,210
No, it's...
540
00:25:40,170 --> 00:25:41,610
Would you like to see this?
541
00:25:41,610 --> 00:25:42,650
Yes, please.
542
00:25:42,650 --> 00:25:44,090
Bracelet made by fashion
brand Balenciaga.
543
00:25:44,090 --> 00:25:45,130
What?
544
00:25:45,130 --> 00:25:46,810
Do we know how much that is?
545
00:25:46,810 --> 00:25:47,850
£3,000.
546
00:25:47,850 --> 00:25:48,890
No!
Mm.
547
00:25:48,890 --> 00:25:51,210
Ho-ho!
That's a rip-off.
548
00:25:51,210 --> 00:25:54,970
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
549
00:25:54,970 --> 00:25:56,850
Next up...
550
00:25:56,850 --> 00:26:01,610
Ray Mears recently spotted
mating with an antelope
551
00:26:01,610 --> 00:26:03,530
Ray Mears recently spotted
mating with an antelope
552
00:26:03,530 --> 00:26:08,530
in the woods near Leicester.
553
00:26:08,930 --> 00:26:10,850
Ray Mears recently spotted
mating with an antelope
554
00:26:10,850 --> 00:26:12,050
in the woods near Leicester.
555
00:26:12,050 --> 00:26:13,730
But it's a case
of mistaken identity.
556
00:26:13,730 --> 00:26:16,530
It was a horse.
557
00:26:16,530 --> 00:26:19,410
This is a highlight of the bushcraft
calendar, the Ray Mears experience
558
00:26:19,410 --> 00:26:20,450
weekend in Leicestershire.
559
00:26:20,450 --> 00:26:23,650
At his demonstration,
Ray Mears showed how to obtain clean
560
00:26:23,650 --> 00:26:27,530
drinking water through a simple
process of nationalising the water
561
00:26:27,530 --> 00:26:29,610
companies and taking them back...
562
00:26:29,610 --> 00:26:32,930
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
563
00:26:32,930 --> 00:26:35,050
And, finally...
564
00:26:37,890 --> 00:26:39,570
"I only come in for a haircut."
565
00:26:39,570 --> 00:26:43,410
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
566
00:26:45,170 --> 00:26:48,050
Otherwise known as a
short back and whoops!
567
00:26:48,050 --> 00:26:49,090
No...
568
00:26:49,090 --> 00:26:52,010
This is Justin Allen from New York
who was undergoing the procedure
569
00:26:54,850 --> 00:26:57,730
This is Justin Allen from New York
who was undergoing the procedure
570
00:26:57,730 --> 00:27:00,130
when a 4.8 magnitude earthquake hit
the city last week.
571
00:27:00,130 --> 00:27:01,690
According to the Daily Mail...
572
00:27:07,890 --> 00:27:08,930
LAUGHTER.
573
00:27:08,930 --> 00:27:11,810
And so the final scores are -
Ian and Ed have five.
574
00:27:11,810 --> 00:27:13,010
Paul and Zoe have nine!
575
00:27:13,010 --> 00:27:14,530
PAUL: Nine!
576
00:27:14,530 --> 00:27:18,170
APPLAUSE DROWNS CHAT.
577
00:27:18,170 --> 00:27:21,290
But just before we go, there is just
time for the caption competition.
578
00:27:21,290 --> 00:27:22,730
Ian and Ed, you've got this.
579
00:27:22,730 --> 00:27:25,130
"So what setting did
you put the CT scanner on?"
580
00:27:25,130 --> 00:27:30,130
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE.
581
00:27:31,490 --> 00:27:34,050
Paul and Zoe, you get this.
582
00:27:34,050 --> 00:27:36,530
Oh, yes, the woman is saying,
"OK, then, but only
583
00:27:36,530 --> 00:27:38,930
because it's your birthday."
584
00:27:38,930 --> 00:27:42,850
LAUGHTER.
585
00:27:42,850 --> 00:27:45,250
On which note we say thank
you to our panellists,
586
00:27:45,250 --> 00:27:47,650
Ian Hislop and Ed Patrick,
Paul Merton and Zoe Lyons.
587
00:27:47,650 --> 00:27:51,250
And I leave you with the news that
on a state visit to the UK,
588
00:27:51,250 --> 00:27:53,650
Emmanuel Macron gets the honour
of being shown one of
589
00:27:53,650 --> 00:27:56,890
Britain's cleanest rivers.
590
00:27:56,890 --> 00:27:58,970
LAUGHTER.
591
00:27:58,970 --> 00:28:01,850
In Somerset, there's evidence
of another Tory MP caught in a honey
592
00:28:01,850 --> 00:28:04,250
trap as Jacob Rees-Moggs' aides
are spotted helping him send
593
00:28:04,250 --> 00:28:07,570
an intimate sketch of himself.
594
00:28:07,570 --> 00:28:11,050
LAUGHTER.
595
00:28:11,050 --> 00:28:14,930
And in Birmingham, one woman,
having dropped a piece of pork pie
596
00:28:14,930 --> 00:28:19,610
on the kitchen floor,
is determined to get it back.
597
00:28:19,610 --> 00:28:22,490
LAUGHTER.
598
00:28:22,490 --> 00:28:23,530
Good night!
Thank you.
599
00:28:23,530 --> 00:28:26,290
APPLAUSE.