This programme contains some strong language
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
I'm Professor Hannah Fry. In the news this week...
In Whitehall, with several ministers not expecting to be back
after the next election, a rather nice Rembrandt suddenly
disappears from the wall.
After more than an hour waiting for the Labour leader,
the camouflage unit of the Royal Fusiliers are beginning
to wonder where Keir Starmer is.
And late for a meeting in the Capitol Building,
Joe Biden makes a quick dash across town from the White House.
On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who works as an NHS anaesthetist.
So if you are a former patient and you recognise him, he obviously
didn't do his job properly.
Please welcome Ed Patrick.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
On Paul's team tonight is a comedian who in her spare time loves
going diving and says,
"I'm so lucky to have seen some of the things I've seen underwater."
Well, there's someone who hasn't swum in the Thames recently.
Please welcome Zoe Lyons.
APPLAUSE.
We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
Ian and Ed, have a look at this.
Some good looking PPE.
Rishi doing his bit for the environment.
Oh, and that's the capital gains tax rally. Yeah!
This is Labour's plan to close tax avoidance loopholes to raise more
money to throw at the NHS.
They had a problem, didn't they, because the Tories stole their idea,
which was to stop non-doms, which is an idea some
of us have had for years!
And the thing was, we were going to crack down on tax fraud,
and this will raise the money and then we can start
reforming the NHS.
Paying you better!
Absolutely, yeah. This is why I'm here!
Are we for that?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
About half the audience were convinced there.
Let's hear from those people who are against it.
The only reason he's on is so we can see a doctor.
I do have quite a nasty rash I'd like you to have a look at, Ed.
Staying with the NHS, what has a medical centre in Kent
been asking patients to do?
Oh, perform their own operations? Well, it won't be long, will it?
Yeah. Honestly, you're not far off.
Really? Really?
Oh, perform operations on each other?
I think there should be a show, you know, Celebrity Surgery.
Your chance to have your spleen removed by Joe Pasquale.
No, a medical centre in Kent sent this message to patients.
We're going to go back to tax for a minute.
Yes, let's!
Who else is in the firing line when it comes to tax, unpaid tax?
Is it Angela Rayner? It is Angela Rayner.
I know, Ian, you were a bit dismissive of this last week,
so if you could pay attention.
No, there is an issue here. Mm-hm.
In that Labour are announcing a tax clamp-down in the same week
as Angela Rayner won't publish the details of her
capital gains tax.
So, you can see there is a problem, and you're only allowed,
even if you're married, to have one principal residence.
So people keep saying, why doesn't she just publish her tax
advice and clear the matter up?
It was interesting, because I wonder how much
of it is a sort of genuine mistake, because we all make
mistakes, you know.
I accidentally certified my own death once, you know.
I thought you were about to say, "I've killed a number of people..."
Myself, yes!
And what are the Tories demanding now?
That she publishes the legal advice. Close - they're saying...
There's a sci-fi film you don't want to see, innit?
Why do you think, though, the Conservative supporting
press are so keen to take Angela Rayner down?
They're utterly terrified of her.
And they know that they're going to lose the next general election.
I mean, they're dropping like flies, aren't they?
Every time you see a Tory MP at the moment, they've got a little
paper box in the hands like that.
"I won't be coming back, won't be needing this."
The ones I see are sending me pictures!
Well, they'll have to depend on their OnlyFans pages
after this, won't they?
Yes, she is one of the few people in the Labour Party
with a personality.
Or, perhaps...
as David Lammy puts it, she's...
So, the other reason that the Conservatives
are going for Angela Rayner is that she does keep demanding that
lots of people resign.
Here is a list of the people whose resignation Angela Rayner has
demanded over the last five or six years, have a look at this.
Yeah, but she's not been wrong on any of those, has she?
That's like the worst list of Shag, Marry, Avoid.
OK, so where has Keir Starmer been recently?
Hmm...
He's been in Vogue! Did you not catch it?
In Vogue magazine?!
Vogue magazine, yes, there is a soft-focus profile
of Keir and his wife, and it revealed...
Yeah? Not very much at all. Oh.
Except there was one bit in it which was good, which was,
what did Keir's wife-to-be say after she'd first met him?
"Who are you?"
I mean, very close.
It does seem, though, as though Keir Starmer
is getting a little bit more self-awareness.
OK. Rishi Sunak also had an interview this week.
Yes. How did that go?
He gave one to LBC, where he couldn't remember the woman's name.
She came from Rhondda and he called her Rhonda.
Shall we have a look at the clip? Yes, please.
Prime Minister, thank you. Let's go to the next call.
Louise is in the Rhondda Valley, and you're through to
the Prime Minister. Go ahead, Louise, morning to you.
Good morning, Nick. Good morning, Prime Minister.
Hi, Rhonda...Oh, sorry...
Louise. Louise. Sorry, Louise, hi.
"Or can I call you Ms Valley?"
Unfortunately, that is not the only thing that has gone wrong
for the Prime Minister this week.
Shall we play a bonus game?
Yes, please. Yes, please, yeah.
Bonus game, bonus game. Does it come with a bit that goes...
# Bonus game, bonus game, bonus game, bonus game!#
It's your own time you're wasting, Paul.
I think you'll find it's the BBC's.
APPLAUSE.
Right, shall we play a bonus game?
No. No, I don't want to.
I wouldn't wish to waste anybody's time.
We're going to play a round of Rishi's Randomiser of Rubbish.
Figures on buzzers, teams, here's the first one.
JINGLE PLAYS.
BUZZER. Oh, do you know this?
He was seen wearing a pair of trainers, is that...?
Oh!
That is one of them, but not this one.
Oh, OK.
That would be the picture of the trainer, probably.
Oh, yeah! His trousers were too short.
They were. Trousers were too short.
People were saying his trousers are two inches too short,
and Rishi Sunak passionately defended his trouser length
by telling the Sun...
I mean, he's not a tall man.
He's probably just wearing long shorts.
In that same interview, we found out, where does Rishi Sunak
like to go for breakfast?
Oh, God...
Wetherspoon's. Oh, he doesn't! He said...
Which is interesting, because the Wetherspoon's app
stayed on his phone, but not the WhatsApps.
Strange. Yeah.
OK, fingers on buzzers, here's the next one.
Something tells me you're going to get this one.
Oh, go on, go on.
JINGLE PLAYS.
BUZZER. His trousers are too short.
So, he's wearing a pair of these Adidas...
Are they called Sham...
Sambas? Sambas.
Sambas, yeah.
They were voted Trainer of the Year, and now he's been seen wearing them,
sales will go off a cliff. Absolutely.
Here's what GQ magazine said.
Next one. Fingers on buzzers, what about this one?
JINGLE PLAYS.
Oh. Oh.
BUZZER. Oh, yes.
Is this about the houses in Rwanda that were for the people
who were going to be sent there, were going to live in these houses?
These houses have now been sold off.
Indeed. Here is a picture...
Would you like to see it?
..of the accommodation, and a sad gazumpee.
Also, the state airline, Rwandair as it's called,
told Rishi Sunak that they don't want to be associated
with the Government's deportation scheme, because of the...
They should just give it to Ryanair, surely.
They'd do it, wouldn't they?
But they'd then drop you off probably in Burundi or Congo
and you'd have to get a bus to go...
I've been to Rwanda and I've watched a silverback gorilla mate.
You dirty devil!
With Suella Braverman?
APPLAUSE.
Now, we mustn't forget the Lib Dems, so... Who?
It's been a bit of an awkward week for Ed Davey because of Alan Bates'
evidence at the Post Office enquiry. Yes.
But what has been tickling him recently?
Mrs Ed Davey?
Is it one of their ploys where they knock over something blue?
Oh!
You're absolutely right, it's one of their hilarious visual metaphors.
Oh!
The time is running out for Rishi Sunak!
CHEERING.
I think it should read, "Time's slowing down."
So, this is the news that Labour are preparing for power
by getting their financial scandals in early, BEFORE they
become the Government.
The accusations emerged in an authorised biography
of Rayner which was titled...
Annoying, because that means my biography now has to be
called Ginger Lady Boffin.
Ginger Lady Boffin?! Yeah, Ginger Lady Boffin.
Look, I'm sticking by it and it'll be out soon.
Exactly.
Rishi Sunak revealed this week that he was a big fan of...
Presumably, when the barman asks him, "Small vegetarian?"
Rishi replies, "Yes, I am, can I have some breakfast?"
The Westminster honeytrappers are still trying to ensnare
politicians by sending them pictures of men and women, and
in one case a tractor.
When Jacob Rees-Mogg was asked to comment on...
..he said, "Leave my kids out of it, I'll name them as I please."
OK, Paul and Zoe, have a look at this.
Ah, yes, this is the Scrabble news.
Scrabble has been around for a very long time as a game.
And they're going to introduce a new version of it,
which is a simpler version...
There's a couple of people arguing over it.
There is a simpler version of it coming along, but they don't want
people to feel bad about it, but it's called
Scrabble for Thickos.
I think they were saying that young people are more compassionate,
they're less competitive, so they want a version that people
aren't trying to win. It's a bit like panel games. Yes.
Well, it's been clear that you've not been trying to win for 35 years.
APPLAUSE.
It's my age, I'm very Gen Z.
But there are specialists, aren't there, who know,
you know, two letter words - IY or something, you know,
very obscure sort of words...
But that's sort of the dull version of Scrabble, you know,
people who look up two-letter words.
Oh, you mean Strip Scrabble? Now, there's a game.
I think I've got another vowel coming on.
Sorry about that.
Three gold cards you get, you also get some helper
cards and you've got to complete 20 challenges.
The challenges, though, by the way, include...
And as ever, "Stop Grandad putting down a word that's a bit racist."
What has Brett Smitheram got to say?
Do you know who he is?
No. No.
He's the UK's number one Scrabble player.
He says that the simpler version is for people...
Thing is, in this show, there is no place for losers,
or for any fun, so fingers on buzzers, we're going to have some
quick Scrabble related questions.
What do you mean, there's no place for losers?
He's... Doesn't matter.
OK, question one.
What is the highest scoring word you can fit on a Scrabble board?
I know this one. It's ANAESTHETIST.
Ooh! It is a medical thing.
Is it WAITING LIST?
Yeah, that's the longest. By far the longest.
It's OXYPHENBUTAZONE. Do you know what that is?
No. Yeah. It's a very...
You know, we haven't got time to go into that.
Yeah, of course, yeah.
Do you have a favourite drug to give patients?
I do, yeah. I get do cool things.
I give ketamine to kids. That's cool, isn't it?
LAUGHTER.
Pretty much every day, I give ketamine or fentanyl to kids,
and then I go to work. So...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
OK, question two.
Yex is a word that is allowed in Scrabble.
Yex. What does it mean?
Yex. Yex.
Is it when you're really eager to have sex and you just go "Yex"?
LAUGHTER.
Does that crop up much in your line of work?
LAUGHTER.
It means to hiccup, everybody.
What is the longest word playable using only vowels?
Ooh...
It is...
It's a Gregorian cadence, apparently.
Do you know that word, Ian?
Yes, but you can't use it since 2016 cos it's got EU at the front.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
This is the news that Scrabble has been
made easier for a younger generation who find the game too intimidating
and don't like competition.
Here's a fun fact about Scrabble - it's the only realm of human
experience where Kwasi Kwarteng has any value.
LAUGHTER.
APPLAUSE.
And so to Round Two and,
in tribute the late physics genius Peter Higgs, it's time for
the Large Hadron Collider of News.
Mm. Fingers on buzzers, teams.
Yeah.
BELL. Hang on, that's just a graphic.
LAUGHTER.
Oh, I thought it was the eclipse.
BELL.
So this is before my time but I believe there's a TV
show called That's Life! Mm-hm.
From what I understand, there was a saying that this dog had.
Mm-hm. Which was, "Sausages."
Mm. Mm.
They revealed this week that it wasn't actually
the dog saying sausages, everyone believed the dog was,
but it turned out actually the dog was growling and what was making
the noise was the owner squeezing the throat during the growl.
For those of you who don't remember, would you like to remind yourself
of this classic moment?
Tell us what you have on a Thursday. Yeah...
DOG GROWLS. And what?
DOG: Sausages.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
He could also say other words.
Do you know what other words Prince could say?
AS A DOG: "Black pudding."
LAUGHTER.
AS A DOG: "Stop squeezing my throat. "Can you contact the RSPCA?"
He could say, "Jar." He could say, "Anthony."
And..."George..." PAUL LAUGHS.
..who was the neighbour who fed him the sausages.
This is the news that the famous talking dog on That's Life!
wasn't actually saying, "Sausages."
The dog was being made to make sounds by its owner
squeezing its throat, but the TV crew were reassured
that the dog was happy because his tail was wagging.
Although, it turned out that was only because Esther Rantzen
was tickling his testicles.
LAUGHTER.
That's life.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
OK, fingers on buzzers, teams.
BELL.
It's the eclipse. Done it again.
BUZZER.
LAUGHTER.
This is the eclipse, which was passing
through North America, and it happens infrequently
but people are always amazed and amused by it.
Do you want to have a little look at what they saw?
I'd rather not, no.
OK...
Isn't that logo for Disprin?
Scientists also used this as an opportunity to study
what effect the eclipse had on the behaviour of animals.
It was amazing. They thought it was night.
Not all of them, though. No.
Cos according to The Guardian, there were zebras at
Dallas Zoo who were...
LAUGHTER.
They do see things in very black and white, though.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
Trump didn't wear the glasses.
Yeah, you're right.
Last time there was an eclipse in the US, Trump was mocked
for looking directly at the sun.
Do you know what we did this time, though?
He did it again. Er, no.
He released a video on Truth Social to celebrate the occasion.
Oh, my God! There it is!
LAUGHTER.
SHE SCREAMS.
LAUGHTER.
GROANING.
The idea that you put out a video saying darkness will descend...
LAUGHTER.
When the eclipse happened, the most Googled thing was,
"Why do my eyes hurt?"
Which, I don't know, I'd like to think that we're more
advanced than moths but...
I feel like the next Googled question was,
"How do I get out this lamp shade?"
LAUGHTER.
You know what, though? What?
You were right, Paul, about the eclipse looking
like the Disprin ad. Yes.
LAUGHTER.
Yeah. No, nothing like it.
LAUGHTER.
It's Panadol, isn't it, that looks like...
That's the one. Panadol.
Bring up Panadol.
LAUGHTER.
Panadol. Panadol, Panadol, Panadol!
It is Panadol, yeah.
Sorry, it's not Disprin, it's Panadol.
Let's have a look.
LAUGHTER.
All right, Paul.
All right. Good.
Here we go. That's nothing...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
You've made me look a right thicko.
Did anyone see how the eclipse was inadvertently covered on Mexican
rolling news this week?
There was a particular eclipse which wasn't the eclipse everyone
thought it was going to be.
Quite right. Do you want to have a look at it?
Are we allowed to have a look at it?
I mean, I'm going to play the tape.
THEY SPEAK SPANISH.
LAUGHTER.
I'm no astrologer, but that doesn't look right.
No.
LAUGHTER.
Do we get to see the rings round his anus?
If we wanted this sort of thing we could go to the House of Commons.
LAUGHTER.
Time now for the Odd One Out round. Just one between you this week.
900 sub-postmasters, Ronnie Winslow, Daniel Fairbrother,
and journalists aboard Air Force One.
Well, the Post Office story is about miscarriage.
Mm-hm.
900 people denied justice and persecution for decades and not
given any compensation and now they're finally saying,
"Oh, those people?
Yes, yes, we knew they were innocent, "we just...
We just prosecuted them anyway."
And the odd one out is...
That's an absolute national disgrace and I don't care much about...
HE LAUGHS. Anyway...
APPLAUSE.
Are you going to pick an odd one out or...?
Yes. The Winslow boy.
Yes. Mm-hm.
That was a miscarriage of justice. Mm-hm.
Stealing a postal order. Exactly.
Which he didn't do.
He didn't, but he was smoking so he should have been shot.
Yeah.
Any guesses for what the odd one out is?
Yes, the aeroplane journalists cos they did it.
They nicked stuff off the plane.
You're absolutely right.
They have all been wrongly accused of stealing apart from journalists
on board Air Force One who have been asked to return stolen items.
So, before the Post Office inquiry resumed this week,
what was the new evidence, Ian?
ITV had a tape... Mm-hm.
..of people saying, "We had told Paula Vennells..."
Mm-hm.
"..that Horizon could remotely access and fiddle their accounts."
There was that and then there was further evidence
in the inquiry this week and it is sort of getting there.
It literally is everything that anyone has ever said for two
decades is absolutely true. Mm.
I was pleased to see that the BBC did give Private Eye a mention
because Private Eye did play a large part in writing about
the story for 20-odd years.
APPLAUSE.
That's not enough reason to buy it but, you know...
LAUGHTER.
Do you know - one of the general managers
apologised this week from the Post Office.
He said, when they put the first pregnant postmistress into jail,
she lost her case, he sent a message saying, "Brilliant result."
He's now said, "With hindsight, that doesn't look entirely appropriate."
Ew.
Well, Channel 4 did catch up with Paula Vennells...
Did they?
..earlier this week.
She came out of a church.
Possibly praying for some kind of miracle.
Let's have a little look.
Can I ask you to make the statement you made, just so...
In terms of the public inquiry?
Have you got nothing to say about that?
Paula, you're accused of lying to MPs.
Did you lie to MPs?
You're accused of being at the centre of a major cover-up
in this whole issue - would you accept there's
been a cover-up?
There's a lot of evidence that there's been a cover-up.
Have you anything to say?
And that, as they say, was that.
Yeah, the truth will set you free.
OK, so, Air Force One, do we know what exactly the 13
journalists are accused of stealing?
Yeah, cutlery, teacups... Mm-hm.
..towels, anything that's got the sort of presidential insignia on it.
Absolutely. A wing.
LAUGHTER.
Do they have sick bags on Air Force One?
When Donald Trump's in charge. I bet there will, yeah.
According to The Daily Telegraph, one of the items suspected of being
taken off Air Force One was...
Although, that later turned out to be the White House
code name for Joe Biden.
LAUGHTER.
Daniel Fairbrother, he's the chap with the fridge,
and he was stopped by police in Stevenage for carrying
a fridge on his back.
Anyone know why he was carrying a fridge on his back?
Did they think he'd nicked it? They did, they thought he nicked it.
Wow. Yeah.
He was actually out running, training to break
the record for the...
LAUGHTER.
I hope he gave the police the cold shoulder.
LAUGHTER AND GROANING.
Yes. Thank you.
There we are.
APPLAUSE.
Anyone know why thefts in Scotland would be going up?
Oh, it's something to do with the people who are
running it, isn't it?
LAUGHTER.
It is because police, they're too busy dealing
with the crimes reported under the Scottish hate speech...
Oh, yeah, 8,000 of them. Mm-hm.
The First Minister of Scotland introduces a new bill about hate
crimes and says everybody can complain and most people
complained about him.
And also they announced this law on April Fools Day.
Which probably isn't...
I mean, I try to avoid all those kind of days,
especially in hospital, like April Fools...
The only one is Halloween - love working in hospital
on Halloween cos lots of people dress up as doctors for Halloween
so we feel really well staffed then.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
OK, time now for the Missing Words Round, which this week features
as its guest publication Bushcraft - the magazine dedicated
to bushcraft and outdoor skills.
And we are going to start with...
That links you to a policeman.
LAUGHTER.
No, it's...
Would you like to see this?
Yes, please.
Bracelet made by fashion brand Balenciaga.
What?
Do we know how much that is?
£3,000.
No! Mm.
Ho-ho! That's a rip-off.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
Next up...
Ray Mears recently spotted mating with an antelope
in the woods near Leicester.
Ray Mears recently spotted mating with an antelope
in the woods near Leicester.
But it's a case of mistaken identity.
It was a horse.
This is a highlight of the bushcraft calendar, the Ray Mears experience
weekend in Leicestershire.
At his demonstration, Ray Mears showed how to obtain clean
drinking water through a simple process of nationalising the water
companies and taking them back...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
And, finally...
"I only come in for a haircut."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
Otherwise known as a short back and whoops!
No...
This is Justin Allen from New York who was undergoing the procedure
when a 4.8 magnitude earthquake hit the city last week.
According to the Daily Mail...
LAUGHTER.
And so the final scores are - Ian and Ed have five.
Paul and Zoe have nine!
PAUL: Nine!
APPLAUSE DROWNS CHAT.
But just before we go, there is just time for the caption competition.
Ian and Ed, you've got this.
"So what setting did you put the CT scanner on?"
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE.
Paul and Zoe, you get this.
Oh, yes, the woman is saying, "OK, then, but only
because it's your birthday."
LAUGHTER.
On which note we say thank you to our panellists,
Ian Hislop and Ed Patrick, Paul Merton and Zoe Lyons.
And I leave you with the news that on a state visit to the UK,
Emmanuel Macron gets the honour of being shown one of
Britain's cleanest rivers.
LAUGHTER.
In Somerset, there's evidence of another Tory MP caught in a honey
trap as Jacob Rees-Moggs' aides are spotted helping him send
an intimate sketch of himself.
LAUGHTER.
And in Birmingham, one woman, having dropped a piece of pork pie
on the kitchen floor, is determined to get it back.
LAUGHTER.
Good night! Thank you.
APPLAUSE.