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This programme contains
some strong language
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This programme contains
some strong language
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
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Good evening and welcome
to Have I Got News For You.
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I'm Professor Hannah Fry.
In the news this week...
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In Whitehall, with several ministers
not expecting to be back
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after the next election,
a rather nice Rembrandt suddenly
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disappears from the wall.
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After more than an hour waiting
for the Labour leader,
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the camouflage unit
of the Royal Fusiliers are beginning
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to wonder where Keir Starmer is.
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And late for a meeting
in the Capitol Building,
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Joe Biden makes a quick dash
across town from the White House.
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On Ian's team tonight is a comedian
who works as an NHS anaesthetist.
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So if you are a former patient
and you recognise him, he obviously
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didn't do his job properly.
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Please welcome Ed Patrick.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
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On Paul's team tonight is a comedian
who in her spare time loves
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going diving and says,
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"I'm so lucky to have seen some
of the things I've seen underwater."
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Well, there's someone who hasn't
swum in the Thames recently.
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Please welcome Zoe Lyons.
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APPLAUSE.
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We begin with the bigger news
stories of the week.
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Ian and Ed, have a look at this.
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Some good looking PPE.
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Rishi doing his bit
for the environment.
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Oh, and that's the capital
gains tax rally. Yeah!
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This is Labour's plan to close tax
avoidance loopholes to raise more
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money to throw at the NHS.
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They had a problem, didn't they,
because the Tories stole their idea,
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which was to stop non-doms,
which is an idea some
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of us have had for years!
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And the thing was, we were going
to crack down on tax fraud,
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and this will raise the money
and then we can start
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reforming the NHS.
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Paying you better!
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Absolutely, yeah.
This is why I'm here!
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Are we for that?
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
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About half the audience
were convinced there.
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Let's hear from those
people who are against it.
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The only reason he's
on is so we can see a doctor.
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I do have quite a nasty rash I'd
like you to have a look at, Ed.
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Staying with the NHS,
what has a medical centre in Kent
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been asking patients to do?
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Oh, perform their own operations?
Well, it won't be long, will it?
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Yeah.
Honestly, you're not far off.
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Really?
Really?
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Oh, perform operations
on each other?
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I think there should be a show,
you know, Celebrity Surgery.
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Your chance to have your spleen
removed by Joe Pasquale.
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No, a medical centre in Kent sent
this message to patients.
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We're going to go back
to tax for a minute.
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We're going to go back
to tax for a minute.
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Yes, let's!
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Who else is in the firing line
when it comes to tax, unpaid tax?
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Is it Angela Rayner?
It is Angela Rayner.
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I know, Ian, you were a bit
dismissive of this last week,
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so if you could pay attention.
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No, there is an issue here.
Mm-hm.
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In that Labour are announcing a tax
clamp-down in the same week
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as Angela Rayner won't publish
the details of her
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capital gains tax.
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So, you can see there is a problem,
and you're only allowed,
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even if you're married,
to have one principal residence.
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So people keep saying,
why doesn't she just publish her tax
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advice and clear the matter up?
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It was interesting,
because I wonder how much
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of it is a sort of genuine mistake,
because we all make
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mistakes, you know.
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I accidentally certified my own
death once, you know.
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I thought you were about to say,
"I've killed a number of people..."
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Myself, yes!
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And what are the Tories
demanding now?
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That she publishes the legal advice.
Close - they're saying...
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There's a sci-fi film
you don't want to see, innit?
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Why do you think, though,
the Conservative supporting
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press are so keen to take
Angela Rayner down?
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They're utterly terrified of her.
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And they know that they're going
to lose the next general election.
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I mean, they're dropping
like flies, aren't they?
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Every time you see a Tory MP
at the moment, they've got a little
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paper box in the hands like that.
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"I won't be coming back,
won't be needing this."
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The ones I see are
sending me pictures!
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Well, they'll have to depend
on their OnlyFans pages
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after this, won't they?
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Yes, she is one of the few
people in the Labour Party
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with a personality.
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Or, perhaps...
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as David Lammy puts it, she's...
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So, the other reason
that the Conservatives
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are going for Angela Rayner
is that she does keep demanding that
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lots of people resign.
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Here is a list of the people whose
resignation Angela Rayner has
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demanded over the last five or six
years, have a look at this.
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Yeah, but she's not been wrong
on any of those, has she?
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That's like the worst list
of Shag, Marry, Avoid.
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OK, so where has Keir
Starmer been recently?
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Hmm...
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He's been in Vogue!
Did you not catch it?
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In Vogue magazine?!
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Vogue magazine, yes,
there is a soft-focus profile
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{\an8}of Keir and his wife,
and it revealed...
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Yeah?
Not very much at all.Oh.
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Except there was one bit in it
which was good, which was,
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what did Keir's wife-to-be say
after she'd first met him?
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"Who are you?"
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I mean, very close.
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I mean, very close.
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It does seem, though,
as though Keir Starmer
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is getting a little
bit more self-awareness.
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OK. Rishi Sunak also had
an interview this week.
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Yes.
How did that go?
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He gave one to LBC, where he
couldn't remember the woman's name.
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She came from Rhondda
and he called her Rhonda.
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Shall we have a look at the clip?
Yes, please.
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Prime Minister, thank you.
Let's go to the next call.
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Louise is in the Rhondda Valley,
and you're through to
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the Prime Minister.
Go ahead, Louise, morning to you.
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Good morning, Nick.
Good morning, Prime Minister.
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Hi, Rhonda...Oh, sorry...
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Louise. Louise.
Sorry, Louise, hi.
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"Or can I call you Ms Valley?"
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Unfortunately, that is not the only
thing that has gone wrong
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for the Prime Minister this week.
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Shall we play a bonus game?
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Yes, please.
Yes, please, yeah.
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Bonus game, bonus game.
Does it come with a bit that goes...
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# Bonus game, bonus game,
bonus game, bonus game!#
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It's your own time
you're wasting, Paul.
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I think you'll find it's the BBC's.
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APPLAUSE.
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Right, shall we play a bonus game?
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No. No, I don't want to.
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I wouldn't wish to
waste anybody's time.
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We're going to play a round of
Rishi's Randomiser of Rubbish.
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Figures on buzzers, teams,
here's the first one.
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JINGLE PLAYS.
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BUZZER.
Oh, do you know this?
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He was seen wearing a pair
of trainers, is that...?
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Oh!
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That is one of them,
but not this one.
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Oh, OK.
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That would be the picture
of the trainer, probably.
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Oh, yeah!
His trousers were too short.
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They were.
Trousers were too short.
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People were saying his trousers
are two inches too short,
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and Rishi Sunak passionately
defended his trouser length
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by telling the Sun...
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I mean, he's not a tall man.
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He's probably just
wearing long shorts.
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In that same interview,
we found out, where does Rishi Sunak
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like to go for breakfast?
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Oh, God...
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Wetherspoon's.
Oh, he doesn't! He said...
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Which is interesting,
because the Wetherspoon's app
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stayed on his phone,
but not the WhatsApps.
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Strange. Yeah.
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OK, fingers on buzzers,
here's the next one.
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Something tells me you're
going to get this one.
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Oh, go on, go on.
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JINGLE PLAYS.
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BUZZER.
His trousers are too short.
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So, he's wearing a pair
of these Adidas...
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Are they called Sham...
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Sambas?
Sambas.
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Sambas, yeah.
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They were voted Trainer of the Year,
and now he's been seen wearing them,
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sales will go off a cliff.
Absolutely.
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Here's what GQ magazine said.
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Next one. Fingers on buzzers,
what about this one?
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JINGLE PLAYS.
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Oh.
Oh.
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BUZZER.
Oh, yes.
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Is this about the houses in Rwanda
that were for the people
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who were going to be sent there,
were going to live in these houses?
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These houses have now been sold off.
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Indeed.
Here is a picture...
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Would you like to see it?
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..of the accommodation,
and a sad gazumpee.
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Also, the state airline,
Rwandair as it's called,
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told Rishi Sunak that they don't
want to be associated
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with the Government's deportation
scheme, because of the...
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They should just give
it to Ryanair, surely.
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They'd do it, wouldn't they?
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But they'd then drop you off
probably in Burundi or Congo
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and you'd have to get a bus to go...
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I've been to Rwanda and I've watched
a silverback gorilla mate.
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You dirty devil!
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With Suella Braverman?
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APPLAUSE.
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Now, we mustn't forget
the Lib Dems, so...Who?
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It's been a bit of an awkward week
for Ed Davey because of Alan Bates'
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evidence at the Post Office enquiry.
Yes.
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But what has been
tickling him recently?
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Mrs Ed Davey?
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Is it one of their ploys where
they knock over something blue?
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Oh!
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You're absolutely right, it's one
of their hilarious visual metaphors.
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Oh!
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The time is running
out for Rishi Sunak!
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CHEERING.
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I think it should read,
"Time's slowing down."
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So, this is the news that Labour
are preparing for power
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by getting their financial scandals
in early, BEFORE they
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become the Government.
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The accusations emerged
in an authorised biography
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of Rayner which was titled...
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Annoying, because that
means my biography now has to be
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called Ginger Lady Boffin.
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Ginger Lady Boffin?!
Yeah, Ginger Lady Boffin.
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Look, I'm sticking by it
and it'll be out soon.
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Exactly.
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Rishi Sunak revealed this week
that he was a big fan of...
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Presumably, when the barman
asks him, "Small vegetarian?"
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Rishi replies, "Yes, I am,
can I have some breakfast?"
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The Westminster honeytrappers
are still trying to ensnare
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politicians by sending them pictures
of men and women, and
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in one case a tractor.
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When Jacob Rees-Mogg
was asked to comment on...
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..he said, "Leave my kids out of it,
I'll name them as I please."
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OK, Paul and Zoe,
have a look at this.
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Ah, yes, this is the Scrabble news.
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Scrabble has been around for a very
long time as a game.
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And they're going to introduce
a new version of it,
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which is a simpler version...
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There's a couple of
people arguing over it.
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There is a simpler version of it
coming along, but they don't want
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people to feel bad about it,
but it's called
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Scrabble for Thickos.
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I think they were saying that young
people are more compassionate,
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they're less competitive,
so they want a version that people
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aren't trying to win.
It's a bit like panel games. Yes.
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Well, it's been clear that you've
not been trying to win for 35 years.
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APPLAUSE.
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It's my age, I'm very Gen Z.
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00:12:48,330 --> 00:12:51,650
But there are specialists,
aren't there, who know,
241
00:12:51,690 --> 00:12:55,250
you know, two letter words -
IY or something, you know,
242
00:12:55,290 --> 00:12:57,330
very obscure sort of words...
243
00:12:57,370 --> 00:12:59,970
But that's sort of the dull version
of Scrabble, you know,
244
00:13:00,010 --> 00:13:01,410
people who look up two-letter words.
245
00:13:01,450 --> 00:13:03,770
Oh, you mean Strip Scrabble?
Now, there's a game.
246
00:13:03,810 --> 00:13:05,690
I think I've got another
vowel coming on.
247
00:13:05,730 --> 00:13:10,690
Sorry about that.
248
00:13:12,770 --> 00:13:15,090
Three gold cards you get,
you also get some helper
249
00:13:15,130 --> 00:13:17,010
cards and you've got
to complete 20 challenges.
250
00:13:17,050 --> 00:13:20,090
The challenges, though,
by the way, include...
251
00:13:25,730 --> 00:13:30,690
And as ever, "Stop Grandad putting
down a word that's a bit racist."
252
00:13:32,130 --> 00:13:33,970
What has Brett Smitheram got to say?
253
00:13:34,010 --> 00:13:35,650
Do you know who he is?
254
00:13:35,690 --> 00:13:36,690
No. No.
255
00:13:36,730 --> 00:13:38,490
He's the UK's number
one Scrabble player.
256
00:13:38,530 --> 00:13:40,570
He says that the simpler
version is for people...
257
00:13:45,810 --> 00:13:48,410
Thing is, in this show,
there is no place for losers,
258
00:13:48,450 --> 00:13:51,530
or for any fun, so fingers
on buzzers, we're going to have some
259
00:13:51,570 --> 00:13:52,570
quick Scrabble related questions.
260
00:13:52,610 --> 00:13:54,730
What do you mean, there's
no place for losers?
261
00:13:54,770 --> 00:13:55,770
He's... Doesn't matter.
262
00:13:55,810 --> 00:13:56,810
OK, question one.
263
00:13:56,850 --> 00:13:59,930
What is the highest scoring word
you can fit on a Scrabble board?
264
00:13:59,970 --> 00:14:02,050
I know this one.
It's ANAESTHETIST.
265
00:14:02,090 --> 00:14:03,530
Ooh! It is a medical thing.
266
00:14:03,570 --> 00:14:07,210
Is it WAITING LIST?
267
00:14:07,250 --> 00:14:09,370
Yeah, that's the longest.
By far the longest.
268
00:14:09,410 --> 00:14:11,290
It's OXYPHENBUTAZONE.
Do you know what that is?
269
00:14:11,330 --> 00:14:15,610
No. Yeah.
It's a very...
270
00:14:15,650 --> 00:14:18,010
You know, we haven't got
time to go into that.
271
00:14:18,050 --> 00:14:21,210
Yeah, of course, yeah.
272
00:14:21,250 --> 00:14:23,370
Do you have a favourite
drug to give patients?
273
00:14:23,410 --> 00:14:25,330
I do, yeah.
I get do cool things.
274
00:14:25,370 --> 00:14:27,450
I give ketamine to kids.
That's cool, isn't it?
275
00:14:27,490 --> 00:14:29,850
LAUGHTER.
276
00:14:29,890 --> 00:14:32,610
Pretty much every day,
I give ketamine or fentanyl to kids,
277
00:14:32,650 --> 00:14:35,290
and then I go to work.
So...
278
00:14:35,330 --> 00:14:39,370
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
279
00:14:39,410 --> 00:14:41,370
OK, question two.
280
00:14:41,410 --> 00:14:43,530
Yex is a word that is
allowed in Scrabble.
281
00:14:43,570 --> 00:14:45,250
Yex.
What does it mean?
282
00:14:45,290 --> 00:14:46,970
Yex. Yex.
283
00:14:47,010 --> 00:14:50,330
Is it when you're really eager
to have sex and you just go "Yex"?
284
00:14:50,370 --> 00:14:53,010
LAUGHTER.
285
00:14:53,050 --> 00:14:55,410
Does that crop up much
in your line of work?
286
00:14:55,450 --> 00:14:59,010
LAUGHTER.
287
00:14:59,050 --> 00:15:00,210
It means to hiccup, everybody.
288
00:15:00,250 --> 00:15:02,370
What is the longest word
playable using only vowels?
289
00:15:02,410 --> 00:15:03,810
Ooh...
290
00:15:03,850 --> 00:15:05,090
It is...
291
00:15:06,890 --> 00:15:08,050
It's a Gregorian
cadence, apparently.
292
00:15:08,090 --> 00:15:09,490
Do you know that word, Ian?
293
00:15:09,530 --> 00:15:13,770
Yes, but you can't use it since 2016
cos it's got EU at the front.
294
00:15:13,810 --> 00:15:18,770
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
295
00:15:19,530 --> 00:15:21,410
This is the news that
Scrabble has been
296
00:15:21,450 --> 00:15:24,290
made easier for a younger generation
who find the game too intimidating
297
00:15:24,330 --> 00:15:25,970
and don't like competition.
298
00:15:26,010 --> 00:15:29,090
Here's a fun fact about Scrabble -
it's the only realm of human
299
00:15:29,130 --> 00:15:31,810
experience where Kwasi Kwarteng
has any value.
300
00:15:31,850 --> 00:15:34,890
LAUGHTER.
301
00:15:34,930 --> 00:15:37,770
APPLAUSE.
302
00:15:37,810 --> 00:15:39,210
And so to Round Two and,
303
00:15:39,250 --> 00:15:41,850
in tribute the late physics genius
Peter Higgs, it's time for
304
00:15:41,890 --> 00:15:44,090
the Large Hadron Collider of News.
305
00:15:44,130 --> 00:15:46,250
Mm.
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
306
00:15:46,290 --> 00:15:47,370
Yeah.
307
00:15:47,410 --> 00:15:50,170
BELL.
Hang on, that's just a graphic.
308
00:15:50,210 --> 00:15:53,010
LAUGHTER.
309
00:15:53,050 --> 00:15:54,690
Oh, I thought it was the eclipse.
310
00:15:54,730 --> 00:15:55,730
BELL.
311
00:15:55,770 --> 00:15:58,610
So this is before my time
but I believe there's a TV
312
00:15:58,650 --> 00:16:01,450
show called That's Life!
Mm-hm.
313
00:16:01,490 --> 00:16:04,530
From what I understand, there
was a saying that this dog had.
314
00:16:04,570 --> 00:16:05,730
Mm-hm.
Which was, "Sausages."
315
00:16:05,770 --> 00:16:06,770
Mm.Mm.
316
00:16:06,810 --> 00:16:08,690
They revealed this week
that it wasn't actually
317
00:16:08,730 --> 00:16:10,850
the dog saying sausages,
everyone believed the dog was,
318
00:16:10,890 --> 00:16:13,970
but it turned out actually the dog
was growling and what was making
319
00:16:14,010 --> 00:16:17,690
the noise was the owner squeezing
the throat during the growl.
320
00:16:17,730 --> 00:16:20,810
For those of you who don't remember,
would you like to remind yourself
321
00:16:20,850 --> 00:16:21,850
of this classic moment?
322
00:16:21,890 --> 00:16:24,050
Tell us what you have on a Thursday.
Yeah...
323
00:16:24,090 --> 00:16:25,810
DOG GROWLS.
And what?
324
00:16:25,850 --> 00:16:27,970
DOG: Sausages.
325
00:16:28,010 --> 00:16:30,130
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
326
00:16:30,170 --> 00:16:34,130
He could also say other words.
327
00:16:34,170 --> 00:16:36,410
Do you know what other
words Prince could say?
328
00:16:36,450 --> 00:16:37,930
AS A DOG:"Black pudding."
329
00:16:37,970 --> 00:16:39,930
LAUGHTER.
330
00:16:39,970 --> 00:16:44,930
AS A DOG:"Stop squeezing my throat.
"Can you contact the RSPCA?"
331
00:16:48,890 --> 00:16:52,770
He could say, "Jar."
He could say, "Anthony."
332
00:16:52,810 --> 00:16:55,490
And..."George..."
PAUL LAUGHS.
333
00:16:55,530 --> 00:16:57,650
..who was the neighbour
who fed him the sausages.
334
00:16:57,690 --> 00:17:00,490
This is the news that the famous
talking dog on That's Life!
335
00:17:00,530 --> 00:17:03,370
wasn't actually saying, "Sausages."
336
00:17:03,410 --> 00:17:06,010
The dog was being made
to make sounds by its owner
337
00:17:06,050 --> 00:17:08,170
squeezing its throat,
but the TV crew were reassured
338
00:17:08,210 --> 00:17:11,890
that the dog was happy
because his tail was wagging.
339
00:17:11,930 --> 00:17:14,570
Although, it turned out
that was only because Esther Rantzen
340
00:17:14,610 --> 00:17:18,530
was tickling his testicles.
341
00:17:18,570 --> 00:17:21,690
LAUGHTER.
342
00:17:21,730 --> 00:17:23,930
That's life.
343
00:17:23,970 --> 00:17:28,930
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
344
00:17:30,290 --> 00:17:31,850
OK, fingers on buzzers, teams.
345
00:17:31,890 --> 00:17:33,690
BELL.
346
00:17:33,730 --> 00:17:35,970
It's the eclipse. Done it again.
347
00:17:36,010 --> 00:17:39,010
BUZZER.
348
00:17:39,050 --> 00:17:43,050
LAUGHTER.
349
00:17:43,090 --> 00:17:44,730
This is the eclipse,
which was passing
350
00:17:44,770 --> 00:17:46,930
through North America,
and it happens infrequently
351
00:17:46,970 --> 00:17:49,410
but people are always
amazed and amused by it.
352
00:17:49,450 --> 00:17:52,290
Do you want to have a little
look at what they saw?
353
00:17:52,330 --> 00:17:53,330
I'd rather not, no.
354
00:17:53,370 --> 00:17:54,370
OK...
355
00:17:54,410 --> 00:17:57,530
Isn't that logo for Disprin?
356
00:17:57,570 --> 00:17:59,690
Scientists also used this
as an opportunity to study
357
00:17:59,730 --> 00:18:03,130
what effect the eclipse had
on the behaviour of animals.
358
00:18:03,170 --> 00:18:05,050
It was amazing.
They thought it was night.
359
00:18:05,090 --> 00:18:06,490
Not all of them, though.
No.
360
00:18:06,530 --> 00:18:08,650
Cos according to The Guardian,
there were zebras at
361
00:18:08,690 --> 00:18:10,170
Dallas Zoo who were...
362
00:18:13,650 --> 00:18:15,250
LAUGHTER.
363
00:18:15,290 --> 00:18:18,570
They do see things in very
black and white, though.
364
00:18:18,610 --> 00:18:21,250
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
365
00:18:21,290 --> 00:18:22,690
Trump didn't wear the glasses.
366
00:18:22,730 --> 00:18:24,610
Yeah, you're right.
367
00:18:24,650 --> 00:18:27,490
Last time there was an eclipse
in the US, Trump was mocked
368
00:18:27,530 --> 00:18:28,930
for looking directly at the sun.
369
00:18:28,970 --> 00:18:31,090
Do you know what we did
this time, though?
370
00:18:31,130 --> 00:18:32,530
He did it again.
Er, no.
371
00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:35,330
He released a video on Truth Social
to celebrate the occasion.
372
00:18:35,370 --> 00:18:37,810
Oh, my God!
There it is!
373
00:18:37,850 --> 00:18:40,130
LAUGHTER.
374
00:18:40,170 --> 00:18:45,130
SHE SCREAMS.
375
00:18:45,250 --> 00:18:50,210
LAUGHTER.
376
00:18:51,970 --> 00:18:56,930
GROANING.
377
00:18:57,130 --> 00:19:00,850
The idea that you put out a video
saying darkness will descend...
378
00:19:00,890 --> 00:19:03,370
LAUGHTER.
379
00:19:03,410 --> 00:19:06,250
When the eclipse happened,
the most Googled thing was,
380
00:19:06,290 --> 00:19:09,090
"Why do my eyes hurt?"
381
00:19:09,130 --> 00:19:11,690
Which, I don't know,
I'd like to think that we're more
382
00:19:11,730 --> 00:19:13,570
advanced than moths but...
383
00:19:13,610 --> 00:19:15,490
I feel like the next
Googled question was,
384
00:19:15,530 --> 00:19:17,410
"How do I get out this lamp shade?"
385
00:19:17,450 --> 00:19:19,770
LAUGHTER.
386
00:19:19,810 --> 00:19:20,970
You know what, though?
What?
387
00:19:21,010 --> 00:19:22,890
You were right, Paul,
about the eclipse looking
388
00:19:22,930 --> 00:19:24,090
like the Disprin ad.
Yes.
389
00:19:24,130 --> 00:19:25,130
LAUGHTER.
390
00:19:25,170 --> 00:19:28,170
Yeah. No, nothing like it.
391
00:19:28,210 --> 00:19:30,810
LAUGHTER.
392
00:19:30,850 --> 00:19:32,490
It's Panadol, isn't it,
that looks like...
393
00:19:32,530 --> 00:19:33,530
That's the one.
Panadol.
394
00:19:33,570 --> 00:19:35,770
Bring up Panadol.
395
00:19:35,810 --> 00:19:37,170
LAUGHTER.
396
00:19:37,210 --> 00:19:39,170
Panadol.
Panadol, Panadol, Panadol!
397
00:19:39,210 --> 00:19:40,850
It is Panadol, yeah.
398
00:19:40,890 --> 00:19:42,290
Sorry, it's not
Disprin, it's Panadol.
399
00:19:42,330 --> 00:19:43,970
Let's have a look.
400
00:19:44,010 --> 00:19:47,610
LAUGHTER.
401
00:19:47,650 --> 00:19:49,290
All right, Paul.
402
00:19:49,330 --> 00:19:50,450
All right. Good.
403
00:19:50,490 --> 00:19:53,850
Here we go.
That's nothing...
404
00:19:53,890 --> 00:19:57,290
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
405
00:19:57,330 --> 00:20:00,970
You've made me look a right thicko.
406
00:20:01,010 --> 00:20:03,810
Did anyone see how the eclipse
was inadvertently covered on Mexican
407
00:20:03,850 --> 00:20:06,330
rolling news this week?
408
00:20:06,370 --> 00:20:09,010
There was a particular eclipse
which wasn't the eclipse everyone
409
00:20:09,050 --> 00:20:10,450
thought it was going to be.
410
00:20:10,490 --> 00:20:13,090
Quite right.
Do you want to have a look at it?
411
00:20:13,130 --> 00:20:15,250
Are we allowed to have a look at it?
412
00:20:15,290 --> 00:20:17,170
I mean, I'm going to play the tape.
413
00:20:17,210 --> 00:20:21,810
THEY SPEAK SPANISH.
414
00:20:31,530 --> 00:20:32,530
LAUGHTER.
415
00:20:32,570 --> 00:20:35,970
I'm no astrologer, but that
doesn't look right.
416
00:20:36,010 --> 00:20:37,010
No.
417
00:20:37,050 --> 00:20:38,050
LAUGHTER.
418
00:20:38,090 --> 00:20:41,690
Do we get to see the
rings round his anus?
419
00:20:41,730 --> 00:20:46,290
If we wanted this sort of thing
we could go to the House of Commons.
420
00:20:46,330 --> 00:20:47,850
LAUGHTER.
421
00:20:47,890 --> 00:20:51,170
Time now for the Odd One Out round.
Just one between you this week.
422
00:20:51,210 --> 00:20:55,090
900 sub-postmasters,
Ronnie Winslow, Daniel Fairbrother,
423
00:20:55,130 --> 00:20:58,050
and journalists aboard
Air Force One.
424
00:20:58,090 --> 00:21:00,650
Well, the Post Office story
is about miscarriage.
425
00:21:00,690 --> 00:21:01,690
Mm-hm.
426
00:21:01,730 --> 00:21:04,610
900 people denied justice
and persecution for decades and not
427
00:21:04,650 --> 00:21:07,170
given any compensation and now
they're finally saying,
428
00:21:07,210 --> 00:21:09,090
"Oh, those people?
429
00:21:09,130 --> 00:21:11,330
Yes, yes, we knew they were
innocent, "we just...
430
00:21:11,370 --> 00:21:13,250
We just prosecuted them anyway."
431
00:21:13,290 --> 00:21:15,490
And the odd one out is...
432
00:21:15,530 --> 00:21:19,130
That's an absolute national disgrace
and I don't care much about...
433
00:21:19,170 --> 00:21:21,650
HE LAUGHS.
Anyway...
434
00:21:21,690 --> 00:21:24,850
APPLAUSE.
435
00:21:24,890 --> 00:21:27,250
Are you going to pick
an odd one out or...?
436
00:21:27,290 --> 00:21:30,010
Yes. The Winslow boy.
437
00:21:30,050 --> 00:21:31,050
Yes. Mm-hm.
438
00:21:31,090 --> 00:21:32,730
That was a miscarriage of justice.
Mm-hm.
439
00:21:32,770 --> 00:21:33,930
Stealing a postal order.
Exactly.
440
00:21:33,970 --> 00:21:34,970
Which he didn't do.
441
00:21:35,010 --> 00:21:37,850
He didn't, but he was smoking
so he should have been shot.
442
00:21:37,890 --> 00:21:39,090
Yeah.
443
00:21:39,130 --> 00:21:41,770
Any guesses for what
the odd one out is?
444
00:21:41,810 --> 00:21:43,690
Yes, the aeroplane
journalists cos they did it.
445
00:21:43,730 --> 00:21:46,170
They nicked stuff off the plane.
446
00:21:46,210 --> 00:21:47,290
You're absolutely right.
447
00:21:47,330 --> 00:21:50,130
They have all been wrongly accused
of stealing apart from journalists
448
00:21:50,170 --> 00:21:53,250
on board Air Force One who have been
asked to return stolen items.
449
00:21:53,290 --> 00:21:55,410
So, before the Post Office
inquiry resumed this week,
450
00:21:55,450 --> 00:21:57,970
what was the new evidence,
Ian?
451
00:21:58,010 --> 00:21:59,930
ITV had a tape...
Mm-hm.
452
00:21:59,970 --> 00:22:01,850
..of people saying, "We had
told Paula Vennells..."
453
00:22:01,890 --> 00:22:02,890
Mm-hm.
454
00:22:02,930 --> 00:22:05,610
"..that Horizon could remotely
access and fiddle their accounts."
455
00:22:05,650 --> 00:22:07,770
There was that and then
there was further evidence
456
00:22:07,810 --> 00:22:10,650
in the inquiry this week
and it is sort of getting there.
457
00:22:10,690 --> 00:22:13,290
It literally is everything that
anyone has ever said for two
458
00:22:13,330 --> 00:22:14,490
decades is absolutely true.
Mm.
459
00:22:14,530 --> 00:22:17,850
I was pleased to see that the BBC
did give Private Eye a mention
460
00:22:17,890 --> 00:22:20,490
because Private Eye did play a large
part in writing about
461
00:22:20,530 --> 00:22:21,770
the story for 20-odd years.
462
00:22:21,810 --> 00:22:25,410
APPLAUSE.
463
00:22:25,450 --> 00:22:28,490
That's not enough reason
to buy it but, you know...
464
00:22:28,530 --> 00:22:32,690
LAUGHTER.
465
00:22:32,730 --> 00:22:34,850
Do you know - one of
the general managers
466
00:22:34,890 --> 00:22:36,530
apologised this week from the Post
Office.
467
00:22:36,570 --> 00:22:41,530
He said, when they put the first
pregnant postmistress into jail,
468
00:22:41,730 --> 00:22:45,450
she lost her case, he sent a message
saying, "Brilliant result."
469
00:22:45,490 --> 00:22:50,450
He's now said, "With hindsight, that
doesn't look entirely appropriate."
470
00:22:50,810 --> 00:22:54,010
Ew.
471
00:22:54,050 --> 00:22:56,170
Well, Channel 4 did catch up
with Paula Vennells...
472
00:22:56,210 --> 00:22:57,210
Did they?
473
00:22:57,250 --> 00:22:58,250
..earlier this week.
474
00:22:58,290 --> 00:22:59,690
She came out of a church.
475
00:22:59,730 --> 00:23:01,370
Possibly praying for
some kind of miracle.
476
00:23:01,410 --> 00:23:02,570
Let's have a little look.
477
00:23:02,610 --> 00:23:05,450
Can I ask you to make the statement
you made, just so...
478
00:23:05,490 --> 00:23:06,890
In terms of the public inquiry?
479
00:23:06,930 --> 00:23:08,810
Have you got nothing
to say about that?
480
00:23:08,850 --> 00:23:10,490
Paula, you're accused
of lying to MPs.
481
00:23:10,530 --> 00:23:12,890
Did you lie to MPs?
482
00:23:12,930 --> 00:23:17,610
You're accused of being
at the centre of a major cover-up
483
00:23:17,650 --> 00:23:21,410
in this whole issue -
would you accept there's
484
00:23:21,450 --> 00:23:22,450
been a cover-up?
485
00:23:22,490 --> 00:23:25,010
There's a lot of evidence that
there's been a cover-up.
486
00:23:25,050 --> 00:23:26,210
Have you anything to say?
487
00:23:26,250 --> 00:23:30,970
And that, as they say, was that.
488
00:23:31,010 --> 00:23:34,090
Yeah, the truth will set you free.
489
00:23:34,130 --> 00:23:37,170
OK, so, Air Force One,
do we know what exactly the 13
490
00:23:37,210 --> 00:23:38,650
journalists are accused of stealing?
491
00:23:38,690 --> 00:23:41,090
Yeah, cutlery, teacups...
Mm-hm.
492
00:23:41,130 --> 00:23:45,610
{\an8}..towels, anything that's got the
sort of presidential insignia on it.
493
00:23:45,650 --> 00:23:48,050
{\an8}Absolutely.A wing.
494
00:23:48,090 --> 00:23:49,090
LAUGHTER.
495
00:23:49,130 --> 00:23:52,530
Do they have sick bags
on Air Force One?
496
00:23:52,570 --> 00:23:54,930
When Donald Trump's in charge.
I bet there will, yeah.
497
00:23:54,970 --> 00:23:57,810
According to The Daily Telegraph,
one of the items suspected of being
498
00:23:57,850 --> 00:23:59,490
taken off Air Force One was...
499
00:23:59,530 --> 00:24:01,890
Although, that later turned out
to be the White House
500
00:24:01,930 --> 00:24:03,090
code name for Joe Biden.
501
00:24:03,130 --> 00:24:05,690
LAUGHTER.
502
00:24:05,730 --> 00:24:07,610
Daniel Fairbrother, he's
the chap with the fridge,
503
00:24:07,650 --> 00:24:10,010
and he was stopped by police
in Stevenage for carrying
504
00:24:10,050 --> 00:24:11,210
a fridge on his back.
505
00:24:11,250 --> 00:24:13,850
Anyone know why he was carrying
a fridge on his back?
506
00:24:13,890 --> 00:24:16,970
Did they think he'd nicked it?
They did, they thought he nicked it.
507
00:24:17,010 --> 00:24:18,010
Wow. Yeah.
508
00:24:18,050 --> 00:24:19,930
He was actually out
running, training to break
509
00:24:19,970 --> 00:24:20,970
the record for the...
510
00:24:21,010 --> 00:24:23,170
LAUGHTER.
511
00:24:25,370 --> 00:24:28,010
I hope he gave the police
the cold shoulder.
512
00:24:28,050 --> 00:24:29,330
LAUGHTER AND GROANING.
513
00:24:29,370 --> 00:24:31,130
Yes.
Thank you.
514
00:24:31,170 --> 00:24:33,450
There we are.
515
00:24:33,490 --> 00:24:34,530
APPLAUSE.
516
00:24:34,570 --> 00:24:36,930
Anyone know why thefts
in Scotland would be going up?
517
00:24:36,970 --> 00:24:39,330
Oh, it's something to do
with the people who are
518
00:24:39,370 --> 00:24:40,330
running it, isn't it?
519
00:24:40,370 --> 00:24:41,410
LAUGHTER.
520
00:24:41,450 --> 00:24:43,330
It is because police,
they're too busy dealing
521
00:24:43,370 --> 00:24:45,730
with the crimes reported under
the Scottish hate speech...
522
00:24:45,770 --> 00:24:47,930
Oh, yeah, 8,000 of them.
Mm-hm.
523
00:24:47,970 --> 00:24:50,690
The First Minister of Scotland
introduces a new bill about hate
524
00:24:50,730 --> 00:24:53,450
crimes and says everybody can
complain and most people
525
00:24:53,490 --> 00:24:56,570
complained about him.
526
00:24:56,610 --> 00:24:58,970
And also they announced this
law on April Fools Day.
527
00:24:59,010 --> 00:25:01,130
Which probably isn't...
528
00:25:01,170 --> 00:25:03,770
I mean, I try to avoid
all those kind of days,
529
00:25:03,810 --> 00:25:05,210
especially in hospital,
like April Fools...
530
00:25:05,250 --> 00:25:07,610
The only one is Halloween -
love working in hospital
531
00:25:07,650 --> 00:25:10,490
on Halloween cos lots of people
dress up as doctors for Halloween
532
00:25:10,530 --> 00:25:12,170
so we feel really well staffed then.
533
00:25:12,210 --> 00:25:15,210
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
534
00:25:15,770 --> 00:25:18,610
OK, time now for the Missing Words
Round, which this week features
535
00:25:18,650 --> 00:25:20,770
as its guest publication Bushcraft -
the magazine dedicated
536
00:25:20,810 --> 00:25:23,210
to bushcraft and outdoor skills.
537
00:25:23,250 --> 00:25:25,130
And we are going to start with...
538
00:25:30,170 --> 00:25:31,530
That links you to a policeman.
539
00:25:31,570 --> 00:25:35,330
LAUGHTER.
540
00:25:35,370 --> 00:25:36,370
No, it's...
541
00:25:40,370 --> 00:25:41,770
Would you like to see this?
542
00:25:41,810 --> 00:25:42,810
Yes, please.
543
00:25:42,850 --> 00:25:44,250
Bracelet made by fashion
brand Balenciaga.
544
00:25:44,290 --> 00:25:45,290
What?
545
00:25:45,330 --> 00:25:46,970
Do we know how much that is?
546
00:25:47,010 --> 00:25:48,010
£3,000.
547
00:25:48,050 --> 00:25:49,050
No!
Mm.
548
00:25:49,090 --> 00:25:51,370
Ho-ho!
That's a rip-off.
549
00:25:51,410 --> 00:25:55,130
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
550
00:25:55,170 --> 00:25:57,010
Next up...
551
00:25:57,050 --> 00:26:01,770
Ray Mears recently spotted
mating with an antelope
552
00:26:01,810 --> 00:26:03,690
Ray Mears recently spotted
mating with an antelope
553
00:26:03,730 --> 00:26:08,690
in the woods near Leicester.
554
00:26:09,130 --> 00:26:11,010
Ray Mears recently spotted
mating with an antelope
555
00:26:11,050 --> 00:26:12,210
in the woods near Leicester.
556
00:26:12,250 --> 00:26:13,890
But it's a case
of mistaken identity.
557
00:26:13,930 --> 00:26:16,690
It was a horse.
558
00:26:16,730 --> 00:26:19,570
This is a highlight of the bushcraft
calendar, the Ray Mears experience
559
00:26:19,610 --> 00:26:20,610
weekend in Leicestershire.
560
00:26:20,650 --> 00:26:23,810
At his demonstration,
Ray Mears showed how to obtain clean
561
00:26:23,850 --> 00:26:27,690
drinking water through a simple
process of nationalising the water
562
00:26:27,730 --> 00:26:29,770
companies and taking them back...
563
00:26:29,810 --> 00:26:33,090
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
564
00:26:33,130 --> 00:26:35,210
And, finally...
565
00:26:38,090 --> 00:26:39,730
"I only come in for a haircut."
566
00:26:39,770 --> 00:26:43,570
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
567
00:26:45,370 --> 00:26:48,210
Otherwise known as a
short back and whoops!
568
00:26:48,250 --> 00:26:49,250
No...
569
00:26:49,290 --> 00:26:52,170
This is Justin Allen from New York
who was undergoing the procedure
570
00:26:55,050 --> 00:26:57,890
This is Justin Allen from New York
who was undergoing the procedure
571
00:26:57,930 --> 00:27:00,290
when a 4.8 magnitude earthquake hit
the city last week.
572
00:27:00,330 --> 00:27:01,850
According to the Daily Mail...
573
00:27:08,090 --> 00:27:09,090
LAUGHTER.
574
00:27:09,130 --> 00:27:11,970
And so the final scores are -
Ian and Ed have five.
575
00:27:12,010 --> 00:27:13,170
Paul and Zoe have nine!
576
00:27:13,210 --> 00:27:14,690
PAUL:Nine!
577
00:27:14,730 --> 00:27:18,330
APPLAUSE DROWNS CHAT.
578
00:27:18,370 --> 00:27:21,450
But just before we go, there is just
time for the caption competition.
579
00:27:21,490 --> 00:27:22,890
Ian and Ed, you've got this.
580
00:27:22,930 --> 00:27:25,290
"So what setting did
you put the CT scanner on?"
581
00:27:25,330 --> 00:27:30,290
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE.
582
00:27:31,690 --> 00:27:34,210
Paul and Zoe, you get this.
583
00:27:34,250 --> 00:27:36,690
Oh, yes, the woman is saying,
"OK, then, but only
584
00:27:36,730 --> 00:27:39,090
because it's your birthday."
585
00:27:39,130 --> 00:27:43,010
LAUGHTER.
586
00:27:43,050 --> 00:27:45,410
On which note we say thank
you to our panellists,
587
00:27:45,450 --> 00:27:47,810
Ian Hislop and Ed Patrick,
Paul Merton and Zoe Lyons.
588
00:27:47,850 --> 00:27:51,410
And I leave you with the news that
on a state visit to the UK,
589
00:27:51,450 --> 00:27:53,810
Emmanuel Macron gets the honour
of being shown one of
590
00:27:53,850 --> 00:27:57,050
Britain's cleanest rivers.
591
00:27:57,090 --> 00:27:59,130
LAUGHTER.
592
00:27:59,170 --> 00:28:02,010
In Somerset, there's evidence
of another Tory MP caught in a honey
593
00:28:02,050 --> 00:28:04,410
trap as Jacob Rees-Moggs' aides
are spotted helping him send
594
00:28:04,450 --> 00:28:07,730
an intimate sketch of himself.
595
00:28:07,770 --> 00:28:11,210
LAUGHTER.
596
00:28:11,250 --> 00:28:15,090
And in Birmingham, one woman,
having dropped a piece of pork pie
597
00:28:15,130 --> 00:28:19,770
on the kitchen floor,
is determined to get it back.
598
00:28:19,810 --> 00:28:22,650
LAUGHTER.
599
00:28:22,690 --> 00:28:23,690
Good night!
Thank you.
600
00:28:23,730 --> 00:28:26,450
APPLAUSE.