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This programme contains
some strong language
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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
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Good evening, welcome to
Have I Got News For You.
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I'm Alexander Armstrong.
In the news this week -
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as filming begins on the latest
instalment of the Mission Impossible
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franchise, Tom Cruise continues to
insist on doing all his own stunts.
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LAUGHTER
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At 800 feet, a conceptual artist
tries to capture the fear of falling
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in a work called
What's Happening In My Trousers?
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LAUGHTER
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And at the Dorchester Hotel,
following a night of hijinks,
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one man gets up early
and retraces his steps
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to see if he can find the key
to his handcuffs.
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LAUGHTER
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On Ian's team tonight is a comedian
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and actor who was born in the '90s
under a Conservative government
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beset by sleaze, sex scandals
and cash-for-questions rows.
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The bad old days, eh?
Please welcome Munya Chawawa.
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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
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On Paul's team tonight is a comedian
who recently revealed
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her favourite song is
Shipbuilding by Elvis Costello.
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For any younger viewers watching,
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Elvis Costello was like
an '80s version of Ed Sheeran
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and shipbuilding was like the '80s
version of making TikToks.
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Please welcome Jo Brand.
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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
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We begin with the bigger news
stories of the week.
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Paul and Jo, have a look
at this. Yes.
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Oh, yes, the best prime minister
we never had.
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Liz Truss obviously has
brought a book out.
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Nigel Farage -
this is a meeting in Belgium.
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Oh, there's a smoking ban coming in.
For people who are now
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about 14 years old,
won't be able to buy cigarettes.
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That's exactly right. Anyone born
after 2009. Yeah. Yeah.
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How many Conservatives rebelled
against the smoking ban?
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69!
MUNYA: 57, wasn't it?
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41. Well...
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Three. Bingo!
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LAUGHTER
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165 in total either
voted against or abstained,
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and several of these MPs have been
shown to have direct or indirect
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connections to tobacco lobbyists or
the tobacco industry itself.
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Oh! Ooh!
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Oh, really, Alexander! He shouldn't
have mentioned that, should he?
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He shouldn't have done!
Shouldn't have mentioned that.
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How many of them
just like having a fag?
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Mostly the ones who went to Eton.
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LAUGHTER
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SCATTERED APPLAUSE
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What are some of the arguments
against the smoking ban?
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One problem is going to be, isn't
it, when those what are kids now
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get older and, like, one who's 45
can't smoke and his 46-year-old...
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This is exactly... ..twin brother,
or not quite.
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Former Conservative Health
Secretary Sir Kenneth Clark,
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later a director of
British American Tobacco,
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argued that in years to come you'd
have the possibility of...
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Oh, did Kenneth Clarke say that?
Yeah.
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Oh, I don't agree with it, then.
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LAUGHTER
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It's a big public health debate,
you know, the banning of smoking,
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and on the one hand you have
Liz Truss, who's against it,
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on the other hand
you have Chris Whitty.
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LAUGHTER
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I just don't know who to believe.
Um...
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What do you believe, Ian?
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I believe they've identified
something that could make
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health a lot better
and a lot cheaper
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and Rishi Sunak's trying to do
something about it.
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And, you know, this really hurts
being pleasant
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about the Prime Minister,
you've no idea...
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..but I think it might be
a good idea.
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And the rebellion was led by people
who want to be prime minister -
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Kemi Badenoch, Penny Mordaunt.
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Kemi Badenoch - I think
she was the only Cabinet minister
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to rebel against it, so she was
saying that she agrees with it
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in principle, but she doesn't
like the execution,
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and I think the phrase she said was,
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"The road to hell is paved
with good intentions."
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So I feel like we should trust her
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cos she travels down it to get
to work every day.
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But a lot of things that are quite
fun are also bad for our health.
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Yeah, heroin.
Yeah.
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Seat belts in cars. Yes. There was
a big fuss about that at the time.
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That was an infringement of
civil liberties
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to have a seat belt in a car.
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Which individual thought car seats
in cars shouldn't be allowed?
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Car seats?! For babies?
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Children's car seats. Oh, I see.
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Was that Rishi Sunak
cos he felt patronised?
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APPLAUSE
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Well, how long ago was it?
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In 2006.
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It was Boris Johnson,
but then he didn't have
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so many children then!
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The new smoking bill will also
tackle vapes.
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What are the plans for vapes?
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Is it, like, to ban
disposable vapes?
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Yes, but also...
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Broccoli or anchovy flavoured.
Oh, right.
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Can I add watermelon to
that as well? Oh!
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My daughter made me try it
and it was...
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Well, it was fruit, wasn't it?
It made me feel sick. Oh!
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LAUGHTER
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Staying with health,
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what did staff at the Royal Stoke
Hospital do this week?
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The answer is we don't know.
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Yes. They made a banner declaring
that the hospital welcomes
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21 different genders
and sexualities.
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Oh. 21? There they are. Wow.
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I don't know
some of those countries.
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LAUGHTER
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MUNYA: That's Zimbabwe at the end.
Yeah.
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Each of these 21 genders
has its own flag.
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And why not? You know, now cancer's
been cured and everything.
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What's interesting
about the Conservative MP
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for Fylde, Mark Menzies?
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Nothing.
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No, actually, there is,
isn't there? Yeah. Yes.
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Didn't he get shut in a room
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and he had to phone someone
at 3:00 in the morning
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and say he was being held by some
bad men and he needed,
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was it five grand?
£5,000, yeah. Five grand, yeah.
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According to the Times, the MP rang
an elderly local party volunteer
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at 3:15am last December saying
he was...
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Yeah, I mean, it's
a repeated pattern.
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And he really laid it on thick.
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He said it was medical bills
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and he had no idea, you know,
how on earth he was going to escape.
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And he asked for the money
from local donors
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to be put into his own account.
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You know, thank goodness he wasn't
fiddling his council tax
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for a small amount...then it would
be a proper scandal!
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Last time he was in trouble, it
was for paying a Brazilian rent boy
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and asking him to buy drugs for him.
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But it was a long time ago
and no-one cares.
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He has also been accused of...
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LAUGHTER
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And... Yes? Oh, even worse for
music lovers -
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this is for Classic FM.
Actually, it's a bit interesting.
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At the Last Night
of the Proms concert
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featuring Katherine Jenkins...
I was going to tell you this!
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It's not just you putting on a
record and waiting for three months!
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I know, I get so used to it!
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Your grasp of modern technology is
amazing - "putting on a record"!
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I'm just saying, he got drunk
during Last Night of the Proms
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and he had to get
the stewards to take him out.
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I mean, it's not merely
poor behaviour,
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it was positively unpatriotic.
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Yes.
PAUL CHUCKLES
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Yes. Yes!
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He turned up drunk and began...
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He denied he was drunk
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and said he hadn't intentionally
poked anyone and...
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Since the latest claims,
which he disputes,
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Menzies has had the whip removed.
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Ooh, I wouldn't fancy that job!
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The Tory party sat on this for three
months. Yes. Yes.
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Not him, just... No.
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He'd have paid good money for that,
wouldn't he?
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What was the bad news
for Angela Rayner this week?
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The police have got involved.
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That's right, yes.
The police have...
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..into the allegation that she has
broken tax and electoral laws.
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Who has been rearrested
north of the border?
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Nicola Sturgeon's husband,
whose name escapes me.
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Peter Murrell. Peter Murrell, yes.
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He's been charged...
He's been charged?
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..with embezzlement. Yes.
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AUDIENCE MURMUR, OOH
Oh! Yes.
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Good noise!
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Yes.
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Scottish police do something that
isn't arresting people online!
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LAUGHTER
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What's the Government been
playing with the House of Lords?
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Parliamentary ping-pong.
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More precisely...
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Oh, is that like French cricket?
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The House of Lords has repeatedly
sent back the Rwanda bill
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00:09:03,660 --> 00:09:05,820
to the Commons because it rejects
the Government's assertion
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00:09:05,820 --> 00:09:08,700
that it can simply pass a law
that says Rwanda is safe.
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00:09:08,700 --> 00:09:11,820
Rishi Sunak is reportedly trying to
do a similar deal with Costa Rica.
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And Narnia!
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Just step into this wardrobe.
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Speaking of human rights,
you mentioned this earlier,
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where else has freedom of speech
been curtailed?
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Belgium! Yes, in Brussels. Brussels.
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Belgian police tried to shut down a
European Conservatives conference.
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Authorities in Belgium
would like to see such events banned
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in case anything
interesting happens.
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It is quite funny that Nigel Farage
is now complaining
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about not being allowed to go
to Brussels.
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It sounds to me like they didn't
have much to talk about,
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just a load of sort of
Belgian waffle.
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Was there a notable absentee?
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Liz Truss. Liz Truss, absolutely.
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Busy plugging her book... Yeah.
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00:10:00,140 --> 00:10:02,380
..Ten Years To Save The West. Yeah.
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00:10:02,380 --> 00:10:05,020
Would you like to see her
cleverly weaving this
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00:10:05,020 --> 00:10:07,060
into an interview on American TV?
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00:10:07,060 --> 00:10:08,100
Oh, yes, please. Yeah.
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00:10:08,100 --> 00:10:09,620
Great to see you.
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00:10:09,620 --> 00:10:11,300
Your thoughts... Great to see you.
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And here's my new book.
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Yep. I'll just get that up...
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00:10:18,020 --> 00:10:22,260
There you go.
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00:10:26,260 --> 00:10:27,980
Look at that man's expression,
though. Yeah.
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00:10:27,980 --> 00:10:29,140
He just can't believe it.
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00:10:29,140 --> 00:10:32,380
Did the ten years start from
when she became prime minister?
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00:10:32,380 --> 00:10:35,020
I don't think we've extracted all
the fun out of this,
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00:10:35,020 --> 00:10:36,940
so shall we have a Big Liz Quiz?
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00:10:36,940 --> 00:10:37,980
Oh, yeah! Yes, yes!
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00:10:37,980 --> 00:10:38,140
OK, fingers on buzzers,
because here is the first question.
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00:10:41,100 --> 00:10:43,500
OK, fingers on buzzers,
because here is the first question.
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00:10:43,500 --> 00:10:46,620
What did Liz Truss say when,
on only her second day as PM,
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00:10:46,620 --> 00:10:48,220
she heard about the Queen's death?
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00:10:48,220 --> 00:10:51,100
BELL RINGS
Yes, Ian and Munya?
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00:10:51,100 --> 00:10:54,420
The Queen died and she said,
"Why me?"
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00:10:54,420 --> 00:10:58,380
It's a question we've all asked.
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Absolutely right.
220
00:11:00,180 --> 00:11:02,820
What was the Queen's one
piece of advice to Liz Truss?
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00:11:02,820 --> 00:11:03,860
BELL RINGS
222
00:11:03,860 --> 00:11:04,900
Was it "pace yourself"?
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00:11:04,900 --> 00:11:06,900
It is, absolutely right.
You're on fire.
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00:11:06,900 --> 00:11:10,140
Well, it's funny that that's the
exact same advice you'd give
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00:11:10,140 --> 00:11:15,140
to your unemployed alcoholic
uncle at Christmas.
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00:11:15,340 --> 00:11:18,340
LAUGHTER
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00:11:18,340 --> 00:11:20,500
What did Liz Truss say was her
biggest problem
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00:11:20,500 --> 00:11:23,180
with TV leadership debates
with Rishi Sunak?
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00:11:23,180 --> 00:11:25,060
BUZZER
Yes?
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00:11:25,060 --> 00:11:28,820
No idea, but I just wanted to press
my buzzer. Do you know?
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00:11:28,820 --> 00:11:29,860
Um...
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She couldn't see him properly?
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00:11:31,060 --> 00:11:34,100
He was behind a table.
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00:11:34,100 --> 00:11:35,780
LAUGHTER
I don't know.
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BELL RINGS
Her feet hurt!
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00:11:38,180 --> 00:11:41,860
Oh, Ian, you don't know it, do you?
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00:11:41,860 --> 00:11:44,300
Well, her biggest problem is
she doesn't listen to people,
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00:11:44,300 --> 00:11:45,340
which makes debate impossible.
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00:11:45,340 --> 00:11:50,340
That's not what she said.
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She said she had never
debated on live TV before
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00:11:54,060 --> 00:11:57,660
and found it difficult to generate
energy, saying,...
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We just get biscuits!
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00:12:03,260 --> 00:12:06,980
We only get biscuits!
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00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:10,180
What happened to the furniture
that Liz ordered
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00:12:10,180 --> 00:12:12,100
when she moved in to
10 Downing Street?
246
00:12:12,100 --> 00:12:13,140
BELL RINGS
Ian?
247
00:12:13,140 --> 00:12:15,540
You're being a bit obsessed
with Liz Truss, aren't you?
248
00:12:15,540 --> 00:12:16,580
LAUGHTER
249
00:12:16,580 --> 00:12:18,500
I think you've read her book,
haven't you?
250
00:12:18,500 --> 00:12:21,620
How dare you?!
251
00:12:21,620 --> 00:12:25,060
Am I right?
You might be. Yeah.
252
00:12:25,060 --> 00:12:27,380
She ordered a load of furniture,
253
00:12:27,380 --> 00:12:30,500
but she didn't last long enough as
PM for it to be delivered.
254
00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:33,340
Yeah.
255
00:12:36,900 --> 00:12:38,100
Who, according to Liz Truss,
256
00:12:38,100 --> 00:12:40,460
was to blame for financial
meltdown in 2022?
257
00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:41,820
BUZZER
Paul?
258
00:12:41,820 --> 00:12:45,620
The civil service, the Bank
of England, everybody but her.
259
00:12:45,620 --> 00:12:48,700
Exactly right. Everyone except Liz.
Yeah.
260
00:12:48,700 --> 00:12:51,580
She came up with the most brilliant
quote. She said,
261
00:12:51,580 --> 00:12:56,580
"The problem for me was that there
were no experts on our side."
262
00:12:56,940 --> 00:12:59,860
Hmm...
263
00:12:59,860 --> 00:13:02,180
I wonder why that would be?
264
00:13:02,180 --> 00:13:03,420
Actually, this quiz is lasting
265
00:13:03,420 --> 00:13:07,260
longer than she was actually in
Downing Street!
266
00:13:07,260 --> 00:13:10,140
Liz Truss has made a lot of enemies,
including her own handbag.
267
00:13:10,140 --> 00:13:12,420
Have a look at this.
268
00:13:14,220 --> 00:13:15,900
LAUGHTER
Oh, wow.
269
00:13:15,900 --> 00:13:20,380
I'm afraid that is
the end of the Big Liz Quiz...
270
00:13:20,860 --> 00:13:23,500
Oh! Oh! Oh! Too soon! We want more!
We want more!
271
00:13:23,500 --> 00:13:24,540
APPLAUSE
272
00:13:24,540 --> 00:13:28,020
Yes, this is Liz Truss
on the comeback trail.
273
00:13:28,020 --> 00:13:30,900
With a general election on the
horizon, Liz Truss says she hopes
274
00:13:30,900 --> 00:13:34,020
to remain an MP, and with a majority
of 26,000,
275
00:13:34,020 --> 00:13:39,020
you have to say...it's
touch-and-go.
276
00:13:39,340 --> 00:13:40,700
Liz Truss described her second
277
00:13:40,700 --> 00:13:43,260
and final meeting
with the Queen, saying...
278
00:13:45,980 --> 00:13:50,140
I know, 49 days!
279
00:13:50,140 --> 00:13:52,540
Rishi Sunak's ban on cigarettes
will have a profound effect
280
00:13:52,540 --> 00:13:54,260
on children under the age of 15,
281
00:13:54,260 --> 00:13:59,180
many of whom will have
to give up smoking.
282
00:14:00,140 --> 00:14:02,860
Ian and Munya, take a look at this.
283
00:14:03,540 --> 00:14:07,940
OK, this is Trump
at Fashion Week '24.
284
00:14:07,940 --> 00:14:09,380
They're struggling to get the jury.
285
00:14:09,380 --> 00:14:10,580
And then this is Trump
286
00:14:10,580 --> 00:14:13,380
with the classic black power symbol
for some reason.
287
00:14:13,380 --> 00:14:16,020
OK, so I think he is the first
former US president
288
00:14:16,020 --> 00:14:18,420
to be on criminal trial for
allegedly paying hush money
289
00:14:18,420 --> 00:14:22,420
to pornstar Stormy Daniels.
290
00:14:22,420 --> 00:14:24,100
They've been struggling
to get a jury
291
00:14:24,100 --> 00:14:26,260
because people are struggling to be
impartial towards him.
292
00:14:26,260 --> 00:14:28,180
That's exactly right.
Absolutely unprecedented event, yes.
293
00:14:28,180 --> 00:14:30,980
A former US president on trial
for a criminal offence.
294
00:14:30,980 --> 00:14:33,340
Unless he wins
the election in November,
295
00:14:33,340 --> 00:14:37,020
and then, for the first time in
history, a current US president
296
00:14:37,020 --> 00:14:39,940
will have gone on trial for
a criminal offence.
297
00:14:39,940 --> 00:14:43,820
What's wrong with lying?
298
00:14:43,820 --> 00:14:46,700
If I got the chance to go on a jury
judging Trump
299
00:14:46,700 --> 00:14:48,380
I would lie my head off...
LAUGHTER
300
00:14:48,380 --> 00:14:51,020
..to do that cos it's going to
be spectacular, isn't it?
301
00:14:51,020 --> 00:14:52,060
Yeah. Yeah.
302
00:14:52,060 --> 00:14:54,980
Has anyone here done jury
service here?
303
00:14:54,980 --> 00:14:57,620
No, have you? I have. I had a lovely
time, actually,
304
00:14:57,620 --> 00:14:59,780
cos I got shepherded in
with about 40 people
305
00:14:59,780 --> 00:15:04,300
and the accused saw me and went,
306
00:15:04,300 --> 00:15:06,700
"I'm not having that fucking
Jo Brand on my jury!"
307
00:15:06,700 --> 00:15:09,060
LAUGHTER
308
00:15:09,060 --> 00:15:11,700
So you were excused.
Yeah, the judge asked me to leave.
309
00:15:11,700 --> 00:15:14,820
"Oh, you'd better go." Yeah, it was
a really boring trial as well.
310
00:15:14,820 --> 00:15:17,220
I was delighted.
It was one of Ian's, wasn't it?
311
00:15:17,220 --> 00:15:18,260
LAUGHTER
One of Ian's.
312
00:15:18,260 --> 00:15:22,140
APPLAUSE
313
00:15:23,660 --> 00:15:25,540
Trump is alleged to have had
a relationship
314
00:15:25,540 --> 00:15:26,620
with another glamour model.
315
00:15:26,620 --> 00:15:27,620
What was she called?
316
00:15:27,620 --> 00:15:31,300
Liz Truss.
317
00:15:33,220 --> 00:15:35,380
Something like Stormy Daniels,
so it's sort of a...
318
00:15:35,380 --> 00:15:37,340
Weather Woman Tempest.
319
00:15:38,980 --> 00:15:41,700
She's called Karen McDougal.
Oh.
320
00:15:41,700 --> 00:15:44,060
She is a former
Playboy Playmate of the Month.
321
00:15:44,060 --> 00:15:46,580
December '97, if memory serves.
322
00:15:46,580 --> 00:15:50,460
LAUGHTER
323
00:15:50,460 --> 00:15:54,060
96 potential jurors were introduced
to Donald Trump in court.
324
00:15:54,060 --> 00:15:57,420
And at least 50 of them then said
325
00:15:57,420 --> 00:16:00,300
it would be impossible to be
impartial and were allowed to leave.
326
00:16:00,300 --> 00:16:02,420
Here is BBC's North America
editor Sarah Smith.
327
00:16:02,420 --> 00:16:05,060
There were quite a few testy
arguments in the court room
328
00:16:05,060 --> 00:16:09,020
this afternoon as Donald Trump's
lawyers
329
00:16:09,020 --> 00:16:11,980
objected to some of the jurors.
One man was dismissed
330
00:16:11,980 --> 00:16:14,620
when it turned out that
he had posted on Facebook back
331
00:16:14,620 --> 00:16:17,500
when Donald Trump was president,
"Get him out and lock him up."
332
00:16:17,500 --> 00:16:18,700
He's not on the jury.
333
00:16:18,700 --> 00:16:20,940
LAUGHTER
334
00:16:20,940 --> 00:16:23,420
What are the chances of Trump
ending up in jail?
335
00:16:23,420 --> 00:16:26,140
Well, he did it,
so probably quite high.
336
00:16:26,140 --> 00:16:30,220
I just said that to wake
the lawyer up.
337
00:16:30,220 --> 00:16:32,140
Well, it's...
You know, he's guilty, isn't he?
338
00:16:32,140 --> 00:16:36,420
I'm glad you rephrased that.
339
00:16:37,620 --> 00:16:40,060
But it doesn't matter, does it?
340
00:16:40,060 --> 00:16:42,700
Because he has the same support
even if he's in jail.
341
00:16:42,700 --> 00:16:45,220
So he can just campaign in
an orange suit. Yeah.
342
00:16:45,220 --> 00:16:49,100
Will we see him?
343
00:16:49,100 --> 00:16:52,620
Could someone that's actually
in jail be president from jail?
344
00:16:52,620 --> 00:16:55,260
You can be. There's no rule
about that. Oh, you can?
345
00:16:55,260 --> 00:16:57,420
Yeah, they put you in the West Wing.
Yeah.
346
00:16:57,420 --> 00:16:58,460
AUDIENCE GROANS
347
00:16:58,460 --> 00:17:03,180
Thank you very much.
348
00:17:03,180 --> 00:17:06,060
I would just like to point out
that when I perhaps inadvertently
349
00:17:06,060 --> 00:17:07,740
suggested that he might possibly be
guilty,
350
00:17:07,740 --> 00:17:09,900
I have no idea.
351
00:17:09,900 --> 00:17:13,020
MOUTHS
352
00:17:14,140 --> 00:17:16,740
APPLAUSE
353
00:17:19,700 --> 00:17:22,340
Well, let us briefly turn
our thoughts to the Middle East
354
00:17:22,340 --> 00:17:25,260
and the potential nuclear
destruction.
355
00:17:25,260 --> 00:17:27,900
How have events escalated?
Iran is now involved. Yes.
356
00:17:27,900 --> 00:17:29,300
There were attempted strikes
357
00:17:29,300 --> 00:17:31,900
although I think very few
got through.
358
00:17:31,900 --> 00:17:35,380
Right, yes. They launched 300
missiles straight at Israel.
359
00:17:35,380 --> 00:17:37,420
Drones, cruise and ballistic
missiles.
360
00:17:37,420 --> 00:17:40,180
And they were all taken out.
361
00:17:40,180 --> 00:17:43,060
At which point, the Iranians said,
"That's it. Nothing more to see.
362
00:17:43,060 --> 00:17:44,980
"That's the end of it.
Leave us alone."
363
00:17:44,980 --> 00:17:47,700
Here is how BBC Radio 2
covered the news.
364
00:17:47,700 --> 00:17:51,540
Lieutenant Colonel Peter Lerner
from the IDF
365
00:17:51,540 --> 00:17:54,700
says Israel wouldn't shy away
from further confrontation.
366
00:17:54,700 --> 00:17:57,340
KOOL & THE GANG PLAYS LOUDLY
IN THE BACKGROUND
367
00:17:57,340 --> 00:18:01,340
Iran has proven in what it did last
night as it continues to be
368
00:18:01,340 --> 00:18:03,740
a very, very substantial enemy
and a very reasoned strategic
369
00:18:03,740 --> 00:18:04,940
orchestrator of attacks
against Israel.
370
00:18:04,940 --> 00:18:06,100
LOUD MUSIC CONTINUES
371
00:18:06,100 --> 00:18:10,100
And therefore, I would not say that
this is game over.
372
00:18:10,100 --> 00:18:14,740
I would say absolutely...
MUSIC STOPS
373
00:18:14,740 --> 00:18:19,740
Lieutenant Colonel Peter Lerner
featuring Kool & The Gang.
374
00:18:21,380 --> 00:18:23,540
Yes, this is the trial of former
president
375
00:18:23,540 --> 00:18:28,540
and billionaire business
mogul Donald Trump
376
00:18:31,620 --> 00:18:33,980
and the details of his
affair with a porn star
377
00:18:33,980 --> 00:18:35,460
and a Playboy model.
Quite spicy,
378
00:18:35,460 --> 00:18:38,060
but it's no Angela Rayner council
house capital gains tax scam.
379
00:18:38,060 --> 00:18:41,460
So far, the list of confirmed
jurors includes...
380
00:18:42,660 --> 00:18:45,820
Or, as they've now decided to call
themselves, Team Apex.
381
00:18:45,820 --> 00:18:48,220
For their first task,
they have two days to create
382
00:18:48,220 --> 00:18:51,020
and sell their own
brand of vegan muffins.
383
00:18:51,020 --> 00:18:53,700
Radio 2 had an embarrassing moment
when they broadcast
384
00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:55,820
Kool & The Gang over the top of
385
00:18:55,820 --> 00:18:58,740
a statement from
the Israeli Defence League.
386
00:18:58,740 --> 00:19:00,420
Neatly illustrating the problem
with nuclear weapons.
387
00:19:00,420 --> 00:19:04,660
So easy to press the wrong button.
388
00:19:04,660 --> 00:19:09,660
Oh, that's linked straight
to Tehran.
389
00:19:11,940 --> 00:19:13,220
And so to Round 2
390
00:19:13,220 --> 00:19:15,380
and it is time for the
strengtho-meter of news,
391
00:19:15,380 --> 00:19:17,420
fingers on buzzers, teams.
392
00:19:17,420 --> 00:19:20,700
BUZZER
393
00:19:21,660 --> 00:19:23,340
This is a series of barcode dresses.
394
00:19:23,340 --> 00:19:26,860
When you walk into a supermarket,
you get...
395
00:19:26,860 --> 00:19:29,940
You end up getting four packets
of yoghurt.
396
00:19:29,940 --> 00:19:32,580
Packets of yoghurt? Tubs, milord.
397
00:19:32,580 --> 00:19:37,580
I beg your pardon? Anyway...
398
00:19:42,980 --> 00:19:44,660
Is it to do with the Olympics?
399
00:19:44,660 --> 00:19:47,540
Yes, it's the news that we are less
than 100 days away
400
00:19:47,540 --> 00:19:49,700
from the start of the Olympic Games
in Paris.
401
00:19:49,700 --> 00:19:52,100
And the countdown was marked
in a very dramatic ceremony
402
00:19:52,100 --> 00:19:54,020
in the ruins of Ancient Olympia
in Greece.
403
00:19:54,020 --> 00:19:55,460
Did anyone actually see it? Yes.
404
00:19:55,460 --> 00:19:57,620
How was it? Did you?
It was very good.
405
00:19:57,620 --> 00:20:01,300
It was excellent.
406
00:20:01,300 --> 00:20:04,420
Shall we have a quick look at some
of the highlights? Yes, please.
407
00:20:04,420 --> 00:20:07,660
Refresh our memories.
HARP MUSIC
408
00:20:09,860 --> 00:20:13,500
SOPRANO SINGS
409
00:20:20,700 --> 00:20:23,260
Where did they actually film that
dance from?
410
00:20:23,260 --> 00:20:25,020
Well, it looks like Berkshire,
doesn't it?
411
00:20:25,020 --> 00:20:27,580
I mean, I've never seen anywhere
more English.
412
00:20:27,580 --> 00:20:31,860
It looks like a park outside
Swindon.
413
00:20:31,860 --> 00:20:33,540
There was one hiccup with
the ceremony.
414
00:20:33,540 --> 00:20:36,180
Does anyone know what that was?
Oh, the flame wouldn't flame.
415
00:20:36,180 --> 00:20:37,220
That's right.
416
00:20:37,220 --> 00:20:39,660
According to the Guardian,
the weather was cloudy,
417
00:20:39,660 --> 00:20:42,100
so the traditional method
of focusing the sun's rays
418
00:20:42,100 --> 00:20:43,660
to light the torch didn't work.
419
00:20:43,660 --> 00:20:45,580
And they had to use a backup flame.
420
00:20:45,580 --> 00:20:48,140
What, a lighter?
421
00:20:48,140 --> 00:20:50,620
I think one of the French
dignitaries had a fag.
422
00:20:50,620 --> 00:20:53,940
Just lit it off that.
423
00:20:53,940 --> 00:20:56,820
The Olympic torch will now
set off on a 10,000 mile journey
424
00:20:56,820 --> 00:20:58,500
through Greece, France
and its overseas territories
425
00:20:58,500 --> 00:20:59,700
for the next three months.
426
00:20:59,700 --> 00:21:01,620
But what happens to the torch at
night?
427
00:21:01,620 --> 00:21:03,980
It goes to the pub.
428
00:21:03,980 --> 00:21:05,980
Oh, it's guarded.
429
00:21:05,980 --> 00:21:08,380
Well, the flame must always
remain alight throughout the relays.
430
00:21:08,380 --> 00:21:10,540
So it rests in a special
cauldron overnight.
431
00:21:10,540 --> 00:21:12,340
Like Suella Braverman does.
432
00:21:12,340 --> 00:21:17,340
LAUGHTER
433
00:21:17,580 --> 00:21:20,540
Well, finally, from Ancient Greece
to Ancient Rome.
434
00:21:20,540 --> 00:21:22,860
What has been found in
a hole in Italy?
435
00:21:22,860 --> 00:21:25,580
Oh, Pompeii, there's all
kinds of sort of wall paintings,
436
00:21:25,580 --> 00:21:27,540
a pizza, they think they've
discovered.
437
00:21:27,540 --> 00:21:30,660
That's right. Various pictures of
animals and human beings.
438
00:21:30,660 --> 00:21:33,300
It's a great discovery
so everybody is very excited by it.
439
00:21:33,300 --> 00:21:36,500
And they've found two new pictures.
440
00:21:36,500 --> 00:21:39,180
They have. Exquisitely preserved as
well. Yeah!
441
00:21:39,180 --> 00:21:41,340
Let's have a look.
We have Helen of Troy.
442
00:21:41,340 --> 00:21:43,500
That dog looks a bit worried,
though, doesn't it?
443
00:21:43,500 --> 00:21:47,140
He's got a feeling there's going to
be an eruption in the volcano.
444
00:21:47,140 --> 00:21:49,540
And here is an Apollo mural.
445
00:21:49,540 --> 00:21:52,220
That's with Cassandra. Yeah.
446
00:21:52,220 --> 00:21:53,660
Have you seen my plectrum?
447
00:21:53,660 --> 00:21:56,860
LAUGHTER
448
00:21:56,860 --> 00:22:01,540
But she turned him down.
Yeah. Well, I'm not surprised.
449
00:22:01,540 --> 00:22:04,180
This is the news that
the Olympic torch has been lit
450
00:22:04,180 --> 00:22:06,340
and will soon be
making its way to France.
451
00:22:06,340 --> 00:22:08,740
Thousands of British policemen will
travel to Paris to support
452
00:22:08,740 --> 00:22:10,180
the security operation
surrounding the games.
453
00:22:10,180 --> 00:22:12,900
It will make the streets safer...
454
00:22:12,900 --> 00:22:14,660
..for women walking around London.
455
00:22:14,660 --> 00:22:18,260
AUDIENCE: Ohhhh!
456
00:22:19,020 --> 00:22:21,660
The picture on the wall uncovered
in Pompeii seems to depict
457
00:22:21,660 --> 00:22:23,340
an ancient Roman pizza. Yeah.
458
00:22:23,340 --> 00:22:26,340
The theory was lent weight
459
00:22:26,340 --> 00:22:30,420
when a papyrus delivery leaflet
was also unearthed...
460
00:22:30,420 --> 00:22:31,460
..headed Dominus.
461
00:22:31,460 --> 00:22:32,940
Fingers on buzzers...
That deserved more.
462
00:22:32,940 --> 00:22:35,780
I think it did. Yeah. Yes.
463
00:22:35,780 --> 00:22:40,780
Dominus.
464
00:22:42,500 --> 00:22:43,540
IRONIC CHEERING
465
00:22:43,540 --> 00:22:45,700
It deserved more,
but that was too much. Yeah.
466
00:22:45,700 --> 00:22:48,220
Fingers on buzzers...
467
00:22:48,220 --> 00:22:49,300
BELL
468
00:22:49,300 --> 00:22:53,780
Oh, yes. Ian and Munya.
469
00:22:53,780 --> 00:22:58,180
Apparently, Gen Z are trying
to introduce anti-wrinkle straws.
470
00:22:58,180 --> 00:23:03,180
Gen Z, is she a popular artist?
471
00:23:05,740 --> 00:23:07,660
This is so that you just don't
get...
472
00:23:07,660 --> 00:23:09,660
You don't...
473
00:23:09,660 --> 00:23:11,580
These treacherous muscles here
that do terrible things.
474
00:23:11,580 --> 00:23:15,660
You don't end up looking like one
of those tea-towel holders.
475
00:23:15,660 --> 00:23:16,700
LAUGHTER
476
00:23:16,700 --> 00:23:18,620
That's absolutely right.
Well, let's have a look.
477
00:23:18,620 --> 00:23:21,500
We have a picture of a woman here,
there we go.
478
00:23:21,500 --> 00:23:24,620
There is a Gen Z, they force sippers
to drink from the side
479
00:23:24,620 --> 00:23:26,060
avoiding pursing or straining
the lips
480
00:23:26,060 --> 00:23:27,260
and supposedly preventing
perioral wrinkles.
481
00:23:27,260 --> 00:23:32,260
I was at school with someone
called Perioral Wrinkles.
482
00:23:33,540 --> 00:23:36,140
He is now doing very well
in the Department of Agriculture
483
00:23:36,140 --> 00:23:38,900
and Fisheries, isn't he?
Doing very well.
484
00:23:38,900 --> 00:23:40,940
Aesthetic expert Dr Daniel Hunt
told the Telegraph...
485
00:23:40,940 --> 00:23:43,660
So, yes, I'm going to demonstrate
one.
486
00:23:43,660 --> 00:23:48,660
I have one right here, look at that.
487
00:23:51,020 --> 00:23:56,020
Beautiful. Beautiful thing.
Made of glass. Yes.
488
00:24:00,620 --> 00:24:02,860
You look ridiculous.
It's the last word in elegance.
489
00:24:02,860 --> 00:24:04,780
Jo, I've got one for you as well.
490
00:24:04,780 --> 00:24:08,740
Fuck off! Will you have a go?
491
00:24:08,740 --> 00:24:11,620
Do you want to have a go?
I'll have a go, yeah.
492
00:24:11,620 --> 00:24:15,220
There you are.
I'll have a go.
493
00:24:15,220 --> 00:24:20,180
You do look as though you are...
The problem is the thing.
494
00:24:20,180 --> 00:24:24,580
It's the Kia-Ora that I'm not
really enjoying.
495
00:24:26,780 --> 00:24:29,740
The straw is great.
496
00:24:29,740 --> 00:24:32,380
This is the news that Gen Z have
adopted anti-wrinkle straws
497
00:24:32,380 --> 00:24:34,300
in their ongoing battle to
slow down ageing.
498
00:24:34,300 --> 00:24:37,140
According to the Mail,
to prevent wrinkle lines,
499
00:24:37,140 --> 00:24:40,500
Gen Z are trying not to...
500
00:24:41,500 --> 00:24:46,260
Although mention JK Rowling
and see what happens.
501
00:24:46,260 --> 00:24:48,620
It can be a bit confusing
identifying all these
502
00:24:48,620 --> 00:24:50,060
different generations,
the Gen Zees... Zed.
503
00:24:50,060 --> 00:24:51,500
..Millennials, Gen X,
504
00:24:51,500 --> 00:24:53,420
Boomers and then of course
we've got Ian
505
00:24:53,420 --> 00:24:56,100
who I believe is Jacobean.
506
00:25:01,460 --> 00:25:03,140
Time now for the Missing Words Round
507
00:25:03,140 --> 00:25:04,180
and we start with...
508
00:25:04,180 --> 00:25:06,340
What once spent an hour
and a half, what?
509
00:25:06,340 --> 00:25:11,340
Liz Truss as Prime Minister.
510
00:25:15,900 --> 00:25:18,540
In an interview this week,
fashion icon Twiggy revealed
511
00:25:18,540 --> 00:25:20,940
she once got her arm trapped
in a vending machine
512
00:25:20,940 --> 00:25:21,980
at Brighton train station
513
00:25:21,980 --> 00:25:24,500
while trying to retrieve
a chocolate bar from inside.
514
00:25:24,500 --> 00:25:29,180
Unfortunately, we haven't got any
photos of the traumatic incident,
515
00:25:29,180 --> 00:25:33,700
because, in those days, people
actually gathered around TO HELP.
516
00:25:37,380 --> 00:25:39,540
Twiggy said she could actually
see the Twix bar
517
00:25:39,540 --> 00:25:42,180
she was trying to retrieve
518
00:25:42,180 --> 00:25:44,740
and because skirts were so short
in those days,
519
00:25:44,740 --> 00:25:49,740
passers-by may even have caught
a glimpse of Curly Wurly.
520
00:25:52,940 --> 00:25:56,420
Next... I don't think we've
got over the last one yet.
521
00:25:56,420 --> 00:26:00,540
What pictured looking furious after
rescue by fire brigade?
522
00:26:00,540 --> 00:26:02,460
It's got to be a cat, isn't it?
523
00:26:02,460 --> 00:26:04,020
A cat looking really furious.
524
00:26:04,020 --> 00:26:06,660
It is "cat in Lancashire".
525
00:26:06,660 --> 00:26:09,340
The cat in question got
stuck between two walls
526
00:26:09,340 --> 00:26:11,740
and had to be chiselled out
by the fire brigade.
527
00:26:11,740 --> 00:26:13,780
Here it is after being freed.
528
00:26:18,020 --> 00:26:19,060
He's not happy.
529
00:26:19,060 --> 00:26:20,500
What do you expect in Lancashire?
530
00:26:20,500 --> 00:26:23,140
If you want a cat with
a smile on his face,
531
00:26:23,140 --> 00:26:25,180
everyone knows you've got to
go to Cheshire.
532
00:26:25,180 --> 00:26:26,340
AUDIENCE GROANS AND APPLAUDS
533
00:26:26,340 --> 00:26:29,740
You send a mixed message
when you groan and then clap.
534
00:26:29,740 --> 00:26:32,140
Finally, tiny ladders, what?
535
00:26:32,140 --> 00:26:34,380
Infuriate firemen with big feet.
536
00:26:34,380 --> 00:26:37,500
LAUGHTER
537
00:26:37,500 --> 00:26:42,500
To give evidence after
Stormy Daniels.
538
00:26:47,340 --> 00:26:50,900
APPLAUSE
539
00:26:51,500 --> 00:26:54,260
Oh, that's nice.
Here they are.
540
00:26:54,260 --> 00:26:56,740
There we are.
According to the Times...
541
00:27:03,460 --> 00:27:05,460
Making it the biggest piece
of UK infrastructure
542
00:27:05,460 --> 00:27:08,580
completed under the current
government.
543
00:27:08,580 --> 00:27:10,980
So the final scores are
Paul and Jo on eight,
544
00:27:10,980 --> 00:27:12,980
Ian and Munya on nine.
545
00:27:12,980 --> 00:27:14,660
We did it! Yay! Because of you.
546
00:27:14,660 --> 00:27:17,820
JO: Oh, well.
547
00:27:17,820 --> 00:27:20,740
But before we go, there is just
time for the caption competition.
548
00:27:20,740 --> 00:27:23,380
Oh, right, now, the elephant
on the right has been looking,
549
00:27:23,380 --> 00:27:26,460
saying, "OK, mate, you distract him
while I kick him up the arse."
550
00:27:26,460 --> 00:27:28,460
LAUGHTER
551
00:27:29,540 --> 00:27:31,580
Is the elephant saying,
"Have you got anything in a sandal?"
552
00:27:37,740 --> 00:27:40,100
On which note we say thank you to
our panellists,
553
00:27:40,100 --> 00:27:41,380
Ian Hislop and Munya Chawawa,
554
00:27:41,380 --> 00:27:44,020
Paul Merton and Jo Brand
and I leave you with news
555
00:27:44,020 --> 00:27:45,940
that at a seniors golf competition
in Florida,
556
00:27:45,940 --> 00:27:46,980
one contestant claims victory
557
00:27:46,980 --> 00:27:49,900
despite having left his golf club
at home.
558
00:27:49,900 --> 00:27:52,980
LAUGHTER
559
00:27:52,980 --> 00:27:54,900
Viewers of Channel 5's
GP Behind Closed Doors
560
00:27:54,900 --> 00:27:58,780
are shocked as a man reveals
his badly swollen testicle.
561
00:27:58,780 --> 00:28:02,260
LAUGHTER
562
00:28:06,660 --> 00:28:08,780
And at a government meeting
on levelling up,
563
00:28:08,780 --> 00:28:11,100
one minister denies a lack of focus
564
00:28:11,100 --> 00:28:12,820
as he finds himself thinking about
565
00:28:12,820 --> 00:28:14,460
the new fabric for his
bedroom carpet.
566
00:28:14,460 --> 00:28:16,220
LAUGHTER
567
00:28:18,860 --> 00:28:19,900
Goodnight.
568
00:28:19,900 --> 00:28:23,460
APPLAUSE