This programme contains some strong language
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.
I'm Alexander Armstrong. In the news this week -
as filming begins on the latest instalment of the Mission Impossible
franchise, Tom Cruise continues to insist on doing all his own stunts.
LAUGHTER
At 800 feet, a conceptual artist tries to capture the fear of falling
in a work called What's Happening In My Trousers?
LAUGHTER
And at the Dorchester Hotel, following a night of hijinks,
one man gets up early and retraces his steps
to see if he can find the key to his handcuffs.
LAUGHTER
On Ian's team tonight is a comedian
and actor who was born in the '90s under a Conservative government
beset by sleaze, sex scandals and cash-for-questions rows.
The bad old days, eh? Please welcome Munya Chawawa.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
On Paul's team tonight is a comedian who recently revealed
her favourite song is Shipbuilding by Elvis Costello.
For any younger viewers watching,
Elvis Costello was like an '80s version of Ed Sheeran
and shipbuilding was like the '80s version of making TikToks.
Please welcome Jo Brand.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
Paul and Jo, have a look at this. Yes.
Oh, yes, the best prime minister we never had.
Liz Truss obviously has brought a book out.
Nigel Farage - this is a meeting in Belgium.
Oh, there's a smoking ban coming in. For people who are now
about 14 years old, won't be able to buy cigarettes.
That's exactly right. Anyone born after 2009. Yeah. Yeah.
How many Conservatives rebelled against the smoking ban?
69! MUNYA: 57, wasn't it?
41. Well...
Three. Bingo!
LAUGHTER
165 in total either voted against or abstained,
and several of these MPs have been shown to have direct or indirect
connections to tobacco lobbyists or the tobacco industry itself.
Oh! Ooh!
Oh, really, Alexander! He shouldn't have mentioned that, should he?
He shouldn't have done! Shouldn't have mentioned that.
How many of them just like having a fag?
Mostly the ones who went to Eton.
LAUGHTER
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
What are some of the arguments against the smoking ban?
One problem is going to be, isn't it, when those what are kids now
get older and, like, one who's 45 can't smoke and his 46-year-old...
This is exactly... ..twin brother, or not quite.
Former Conservative Health Secretary Sir Kenneth Clark,
later a director of British American Tobacco,
argued that in years to come you'd have the possibility of...
Oh, did Kenneth Clarke say that? Yeah.
Oh, I don't agree with it, then.
LAUGHTER
It's a big public health debate, you know, the banning of smoking,
and on the one hand you have Liz Truss, who's against it,
on the other hand you have Chris Whitty.
LAUGHTER
I just don't know who to believe. Um...
What do you believe, Ian?
I believe they've identified something that could make
health a lot better and a lot cheaper
and Rishi Sunak's trying to do something about it.
And, you know, this really hurts being pleasant
about the Prime Minister, you've no idea...
..but I think it might be a good idea.
And the rebellion was led by people who want to be prime minister -
Kemi Badenoch, Penny Mordaunt.
Kemi Badenoch - I think she was the only Cabinet minister
to rebel against it, so she was saying that she agrees with it
in principle, but she doesn't like the execution,
and I think the phrase she said was,
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions."
So I feel like we should trust her
cos she travels down it to get to work every day.
But a lot of things that are quite fun are also bad for our health.
Yeah, heroin. Yeah.
Seat belts in cars. Yes. There was a big fuss about that at the time.
That was an infringement of civil liberties
to have a seat belt in a car.
Which individual thought car seats in cars shouldn't be allowed?
Car seats?! For babies?
Children's car seats. Oh, I see.
Was that Rishi Sunak cos he felt patronised?
APPLAUSE
Well, how long ago was it?
In 2006.
It was Boris Johnson, but then he didn't have
so many children then!
The new smoking bill will also tackle vapes.
What are the plans for vapes?
Is it, like, to ban disposable vapes?
Yes, but also...
Broccoli or anchovy flavoured. Oh, right.
Can I add watermelon to that as well? Oh!
My daughter made me try it and it was...
Well, it was fruit, wasn't it? It made me feel sick. Oh!
LAUGHTER
Staying with health,
what did staff at the Royal Stoke Hospital do this week?
The answer is we don't know.
Yes. They made a banner declaring that the hospital welcomes
21 different genders and sexualities.
Oh. 21? There they are. Wow.
I don't know some of those countries.
LAUGHTER
MUNYA: That's Zimbabwe at the end. Yeah.
Each of these 21 genders has its own flag.
And why not? You know, now cancer's been cured and everything.
What's interesting about the Conservative MP
for Fylde, Mark Menzies?
Nothing.
No, actually, there is, isn't there? Yeah. Yes.
Didn't he get shut in a room
and he had to phone someone at 3:00 in the morning
and say he was being held by some bad men and he needed,
was it five grand? £5,000, yeah. Five grand, yeah.
According to the Times, the MP rang an elderly local party volunteer
at 3:15am last December saying he was...
Yeah, I mean, it's a repeated pattern.
And he really laid it on thick.
He said it was medical bills
and he had no idea, you know, how on earth he was going to escape.
And he asked for the money from local donors
to be put into his own account.
You know, thank goodness he wasn't fiddling his council tax
for a small amount...then it would be a proper scandal!
Last time he was in trouble, it was for paying a Brazilian rent boy
and asking him to buy drugs for him.
But it was a long time ago and no-one cares.
He has also been accused of...
LAUGHTER
And... Yes? Oh, even worse for music lovers -
this is for Classic FM. Actually, it's a bit interesting.
At the Last Night of the Proms concert
featuring Katherine Jenkins... I was going to tell you this!
It's not just you putting on a record and waiting for three months!
I know, I get so used to it!
Your grasp of modern technology is amazing - "putting on a record"!
I'm just saying, he got drunk during Last Night of the Proms
and he had to get the stewards to take him out.
I mean, it's not merely poor behaviour,
it was positively unpatriotic.
Yes. PAUL CHUCKLES
Yes. Yes!
He turned up drunk and began...
He denied he was drunk
and said he hadn't intentionally poked anyone and...
Since the latest claims, which he disputes,
Menzies has had the whip removed.
Ooh, I wouldn't fancy that job!
The Tory party sat on this for three months. Yes. Yes.
Not him, just... No.
He'd have paid good money for that, wouldn't he?
What was the bad news for Angela Rayner this week?
The police have got involved.
That's right, yes. The police have...
..into the allegation that she has broken tax and electoral laws.
Who has been rearrested north of the border?
Nicola Sturgeon's husband, whose name escapes me.
Peter Murrell. Peter Murrell, yes.
He's been charged... He's been charged?
..with embezzlement. Yes.
AUDIENCE MURMUR, OOH Oh! Yes.
Good noise!
Yes.
Scottish police do something that isn't arresting people online!
LAUGHTER
What's the Government been playing with the House of Lords?
Parliamentary ping-pong.
More precisely...
Oh, is that like French cricket?
The House of Lords has repeatedly sent back the Rwanda bill
to the Commons because it rejects the Government's assertion
that it can simply pass a law that says Rwanda is safe.
Rishi Sunak is reportedly trying to do a similar deal with Costa Rica.
And Narnia!
Just step into this wardrobe.
Speaking of human rights, you mentioned this earlier,
where else has freedom of speech been curtailed?
Belgium! Yes, in Brussels. Brussels.
Belgian police tried to shut down a European Conservatives conference.
Authorities in Belgium would like to see such events banned
in case anything interesting happens.
It is quite funny that Nigel Farage is now complaining
about not being allowed to go to Brussels.
It sounds to me like they didn't have much to talk about,
just a load of sort of Belgian waffle.
Was there a notable absentee?
Liz Truss. Liz Truss, absolutely.
Busy plugging her book... Yeah.
..Ten Years To Save The West. Yeah.
Would you like to see her cleverly weaving this
into an interview on American TV?
Oh, yes, please. Yeah.
Great to see you.
Your thoughts... Great to see you.
And here's my new book.
Yep. I'll just get that up...
There you go.
Look at that man's expression, though. Yeah.
He just can't believe it.
Did the ten years start from when she became prime minister?
I don't think we've extracted all the fun out of this,
so shall we have a Big Liz Quiz?
Oh, yeah! Yes, yes!
OK, fingers on buzzers, because here is the first question.
What did Liz Truss say when, on only her second day as PM,
she heard about the Queen's death?
BELL RINGS Yes, Ian and Munya?
The Queen died and she said, "Why me?"
It's a question we've all asked.
Absolutely right.
What was the Queen's one piece of advice to Liz Truss?
BELL RINGS
Was it "pace yourself"?
It is, absolutely right. You're on fire.
Well, it's funny that that's the exact same advice you'd give
to your unemployed alcoholic uncle at Christmas.
LAUGHTER
What did Liz Truss say was her biggest problem
with TV leadership debates with Rishi Sunak?
BUZZER Yes?
No idea, but I just wanted to press my buzzer. Do you know?
Um...
She couldn't see him properly?
He was behind a table.
LAUGHTER I don't know.
BELL RINGS Her feet hurt!
Oh, Ian, you don't know it, do you?
Well, her biggest problem is she doesn't listen to people,
which makes debate impossible.
That's not what she said.
She said she had never debated on live TV before
and found it difficult to generate energy, saying,...
We just get biscuits!
We only get biscuits!
What happened to the furniture that Liz ordered
when she moved in to 10 Downing Street?
BELL RINGS Ian?
You're being a bit obsessed with Liz Truss, aren't you?
LAUGHTER
I think you've read her book, haven't you?
How dare you?!
Am I right? You might be. Yeah.
She ordered a load of furniture,
but she didn't last long enough as PM for it to be delivered.
Yeah.
Who, according to Liz Truss,
was to blame for financial meltdown in 2022?
BUZZER Paul?
The civil service, the Bank of England, everybody but her.
Exactly right. Everyone except Liz. Yeah.
She came up with the most brilliant quote. She said,
"The problem for me was that there were no experts on our side."
Hmm...
I wonder why that would be?
Actually, this quiz is lasting
longer than she was actually in Downing Street!
Liz Truss has made a lot of enemies, including her own handbag.
Have a look at this.
LAUGHTER Oh, wow.
I'm afraid that is the end of the Big Liz Quiz...
Oh! Oh! Oh! Too soon! We want more! We want more!
APPLAUSE
Yes, this is Liz Truss on the comeback trail.
With a general election on the horizon, Liz Truss says she hopes
to remain an MP, and with a majority of 26,000,
you have to say...it's touch-and-go.
Liz Truss described her second
and final meeting with the Queen, saying...
I know, 49 days!
Rishi Sunak's ban on cigarettes will have a profound effect
on children under the age of 15,
many of whom will have to give up smoking.
Ian and Munya, take a look at this.
OK, this is Trump at Fashion Week '24.
They're struggling to get the jury.
And then this is Trump
with the classic black power symbol for some reason.
OK, so I think he is the first former US president
to be on criminal trial for allegedly paying hush money
to pornstar Stormy Daniels.
They've been struggling to get a jury
because people are struggling to be impartial towards him.
That's exactly right. Absolutely unprecedented event, yes.
A former US president on trial for a criminal offence.
Unless he wins the election in November,
and then, for the first time in history, a current US president
will have gone on trial for a criminal offence.
What's wrong with lying?
If I got the chance to go on a jury judging Trump
I would lie my head off... LAUGHTER
..to do that cos it's going to be spectacular, isn't it?
Yeah. Yeah.
Has anyone here done jury service here?
No, have you? I have. I had a lovely time, actually,
cos I got shepherded in with about 40 people
and the accused saw me and went,
"I'm not having that fucking Jo Brand on my jury!"
LAUGHTER
So you were excused. Yeah, the judge asked me to leave.
"Oh, you'd better go." Yeah, it was a really boring trial as well.
I was delighted. It was one of Ian's, wasn't it?
LAUGHTER One of Ian's.
APPLAUSE
Trump is alleged to have had a relationship
with another glamour model.
What was she called?
Liz Truss.
Something like Stormy Daniels, so it's sort of a...
Weather Woman Tempest.
She's called Karen McDougal. Oh.
She is a former Playboy Playmate of the Month.
December '97, if memory serves.
LAUGHTER
96 potential jurors were introduced to Donald Trump in court.
And at least 50 of them then said
it would be impossible to be impartial and were allowed to leave.
Here is BBC's North America editor Sarah Smith.
There were quite a few testy arguments in the court room
this afternoon as Donald Trump's lawyers
objected to some of the jurors. One man was dismissed
when it turned out that he had posted on Facebook back
when Donald Trump was president, "Get him out and lock him up."
He's not on the jury.
LAUGHTER
What are the chances of Trump ending up in jail?
Well, he did it, so probably quite high.
I just said that to wake the lawyer up.
Well, it's... You know, he's guilty, isn't he?
I'm glad you rephrased that.
But it doesn't matter, does it?
Because he has the same support even if he's in jail.
So he can just campaign in an orange suit. Yeah.
Will we see him?
Could someone that's actually in jail be president from jail?
You can be. There's no rule about that. Oh, you can?
Yeah, they put you in the West Wing. Yeah.
AUDIENCE GROANS
Thank you very much.
I would just like to point out that when I perhaps inadvertently
suggested that he might possibly be guilty,
I have no idea.
MOUTHS
APPLAUSE
Well, let us briefly turn our thoughts to the Middle East
and the potential nuclear destruction.
How have events escalated? Iran is now involved. Yes.
There were attempted strikes
although I think very few got through.
Right, yes. They launched 300 missiles straight at Israel.
Drones, cruise and ballistic missiles.
And they were all taken out.
At which point, the Iranians said, "That's it. Nothing more to see.
"That's the end of it. Leave us alone."
Here is how BBC Radio 2 covered the news.
Lieutenant Colonel Peter Lerner from the IDF
says Israel wouldn't shy away from further confrontation.
KOOL & THE GANG PLAYS LOUDLY IN THE BACKGROUND
Iran has proven in what it did last night as it continues to be
a very, very substantial enemy and a very reasoned strategic
orchestrator of attacks against Israel.
LOUD MUSIC CONTINUES
And therefore, I would not say that this is game over.
I would say absolutely... MUSIC STOPS
Lieutenant Colonel Peter Lerner featuring Kool & The Gang.
Yes, this is the trial of former president
and billionaire business mogul Donald Trump
and the details of his affair with a porn star
and a Playboy model. Quite spicy,
but it's no Angela Rayner council house capital gains tax scam.
So far, the list of confirmed jurors includes...
Or, as they've now decided to call themselves, Team Apex.
For their first task, they have two days to create
and sell their own brand of vegan muffins.
Radio 2 had an embarrassing moment when they broadcast
Kool & The Gang over the top of
a statement from the Israeli Defence League.
Neatly illustrating the problem with nuclear weapons.
So easy to press the wrong button.
Oh, that's linked straight to Tehran.
And so to Round 2
and it is time for the strengtho-meter of news,
fingers on buzzers, teams.
BUZZER
This is a series of barcode dresses.
When you walk into a supermarket, you get...
You end up getting four packets of yoghurt.
Packets of yoghurt? Tubs, milord.
I beg your pardon? Anyway...
Is it to do with the Olympics?
Yes, it's the news that we are less than 100 days away
from the start of the Olympic Games in Paris.
And the countdown was marked in a very dramatic ceremony
in the ruins of Ancient Olympia in Greece.
Did anyone actually see it? Yes.
How was it? Did you? It was very good.
It was excellent.
Shall we have a quick look at some of the highlights? Yes, please.
Refresh our memories. HARP MUSIC
SOPRANO SINGS
Where did they actually film that dance from?
Well, it looks like Berkshire, doesn't it?
I mean, I've never seen anywhere more English.
It looks like a park outside Swindon.
There was one hiccup with the ceremony.
Does anyone know what that was? Oh, the flame wouldn't flame.
That's right.
According to the Guardian, the weather was cloudy,
so the traditional method of focusing the sun's rays
to light the torch didn't work.
And they had to use a backup flame.
What, a lighter?
I think one of the French dignitaries had a fag.
Just lit it off that.
The Olympic torch will now set off on a 10,000 mile journey
through Greece, France and its overseas territories
for the next three months.
But what happens to the torch at night?
It goes to the pub.
Oh, it's guarded.
Well, the flame must always remain alight throughout the relays.
So it rests in a special cauldron overnight.
Like Suella Braverman does.
LAUGHTER
Well, finally, from Ancient Greece to Ancient Rome.
What has been found in a hole in Italy?
Oh, Pompeii, there's all kinds of sort of wall paintings,
a pizza, they think they've discovered.
That's right. Various pictures of animals and human beings.
It's a great discovery so everybody is very excited by it.
And they've found two new pictures.
They have. Exquisitely preserved as well. Yeah!
Let's have a look. We have Helen of Troy.
That dog looks a bit worried, though, doesn't it?
He's got a feeling there's going to be an eruption in the volcano.
And here is an Apollo mural.
That's with Cassandra. Yeah.
Have you seen my plectrum?
LAUGHTER
But she turned him down. Yeah. Well, I'm not surprised.
This is the news that the Olympic torch has been lit
and will soon be making its way to France.
Thousands of British policemen will travel to Paris to support
the security operation surrounding the games.
It will make the streets safer...
..for women walking around London.
AUDIENCE: Ohhhh!
The picture on the wall uncovered in Pompeii seems to depict
an ancient Roman pizza. Yeah.
The theory was lent weight
when a papyrus delivery leaflet was also unearthed...
..headed Dominus.
Fingers on buzzers... That deserved more.
I think it did. Yeah. Yes.
Dominus.
IRONIC CHEERING
It deserved more, but that was too much. Yeah.
Fingers on buzzers...
BELL
Oh, yes. Ian and Munya.
Apparently, Gen Z are trying to introduce anti-wrinkle straws.
Gen Z, is she a popular artist?
This is so that you just don't get...
You don't...
These treacherous muscles here that do terrible things.
You don't end up looking like one of those tea-towel holders.
LAUGHTER
That's absolutely right. Well, let's have a look.
We have a picture of a woman here, there we go.
There is a Gen Z, they force sippers to drink from the side
avoiding pursing or straining the lips
and supposedly preventing perioral wrinkles.
I was at school with someone called Perioral Wrinkles.
He is now doing very well in the Department of Agriculture
and Fisheries, isn't he? Doing very well.
Aesthetic expert Dr Daniel Hunt told the Telegraph...
So, yes, I'm going to demonstrate one.
I have one right here, look at that.
Beautiful. Beautiful thing. Made of glass. Yes.
You look ridiculous. It's the last word in elegance.
Jo, I've got one for you as well.
Fuck off! Will you have a go?
Do you want to have a go? I'll have a go, yeah.
There you are. I'll have a go.
You do look as though you are... The problem is the thing.
It's the Kia-Ora that I'm not really enjoying.
The straw is great.
This is the news that Gen Z have adopted anti-wrinkle straws
in their ongoing battle to slow down ageing.
According to the Mail, to prevent wrinkle lines,
Gen Z are trying not to...
Although mention JK Rowling and see what happens.
It can be a bit confusing identifying all these
different generations, the Gen Zees... Zed.
..Millennials, Gen X,
Boomers and then of course we've got Ian
who I believe is Jacobean.
Time now for the Missing Words Round
and we start with...
What once spent an hour and a half, what?
Liz Truss as Prime Minister.
In an interview this week, fashion icon Twiggy revealed
she once got her arm trapped in a vending machine
at Brighton train station
while trying to retrieve a chocolate bar from inside.
Unfortunately, we haven't got any photos of the traumatic incident,
because, in those days, people actually gathered around TO HELP.
Twiggy said she could actually see the Twix bar
she was trying to retrieve
and because skirts were so short in those days,
passers-by may even have caught a glimpse of Curly Wurly.
Next... I don't think we've got over the last one yet.
What pictured looking furious after rescue by fire brigade?
It's got to be a cat, isn't it?
A cat looking really furious.
It is "cat in Lancashire".
The cat in question got stuck between two walls
and had to be chiselled out by the fire brigade.
Here it is after being freed.
He's not happy.
What do you expect in Lancashire?
If you want a cat with a smile on his face,
everyone knows you've got to go to Cheshire.
AUDIENCE GROANS AND APPLAUDS
You send a mixed message when you groan and then clap.
Finally, tiny ladders, what?
Infuriate firemen with big feet.
LAUGHTER
To give evidence after Stormy Daniels.
APPLAUSE
Oh, that's nice. Here they are.
There we are. According to the Times...
Making it the biggest piece of UK infrastructure
completed under the current government.
So the final scores are Paul and Jo on eight,
Ian and Munya on nine.
We did it! Yay! Because of you.
JO: Oh, well.
But before we go, there is just time for the caption competition.
Oh, right, now, the elephant on the right has been looking,
saying, "OK, mate, you distract him while I kick him up the arse."
LAUGHTER
Is the elephant saying, "Have you got anything in a sandal?"
On which note we say thank you to our panellists,
Ian Hislop and Munya Chawawa,
Paul Merton and Jo Brand and I leave you with news
that at a seniors golf competition in Florida,
one contestant claims victory
despite having left his golf club at home.
LAUGHTER
Viewers of Channel 5's GP Behind Closed Doors
are shocked as a man reveals his badly swollen testicle.
LAUGHTER
And at a government meeting on levelling up,
one minister denies a lack of focus
as he finds himself thinking about
the new fabric for his bedroom carpet.
LAUGHTER
Goodnight.
APPLAUSE