1
00:00:03,371 --> 00:00:05,051
My confidence is in
need of boosting.
2
00:00:05,051 --> 00:00:08,211
There was a question on a recent
Tipping Point on ITV.
3
00:00:08,211 --> 00:00:11,011
The question was, who's the
long-standing editor of Private Eye?
4
00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:16,011
And the contestant said Ian Himmler.
5
00:00:20,251 --> 00:00:21,651
My name is Chloe Petts.
6
00:00:21,651 --> 00:00:25,011
I am in need of confidence
because I recently went on a TV quiz
7
00:00:25,011 --> 00:00:30,011
and called Ian Hislop
Ian Himmler.
8
00:00:30,851 --> 00:00:35,851
I was recently watching an episode
of Tipping Point...
9
00:00:36,011 --> 00:00:37,211
..and they asked the question,
10
00:00:37,211 --> 00:00:39,611
who is the other team
captain other than Ian Himmler?
11
00:00:39,611 --> 00:00:44,611
And somebody said, Paul Hitler.
12
00:00:45,571 --> 00:00:50,571
This programme contains
some strong language
13
00:01:08,891 --> 00:01:13,851
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14
00:01:21,131 --> 00:01:24,211
Good evening. Welcome to
15
00:01:24,211 --> 00:01:26,571
I'm Martin Clunes.
16
00:01:26,571 --> 00:01:29,451
In the news this week - in Essex,
a traumatised customer decides
17
00:01:29,451 --> 00:01:31,611
to express himself creatively
to deal with his experiences
18
00:01:31,611 --> 00:01:36,531
of the Virgin Media Helpline.
19
00:01:39,691 --> 00:01:41,851
On a visit to
Battersea Dogs and Cats Home,
20
00:01:41,851 --> 00:01:43,811
there's an unfortunate mix up
21
00:01:43,811 --> 00:01:48,811
with the used and unused
cat litter tubs.
22
00:01:52,851 --> 00:01:54,931
And on a Labour Party awayday,
Rachel Reeves wins a game
23
00:01:57,091 --> 00:02:00,611
And on a Labour Party awayday,
Rachel Reeves wins a game
24
00:02:00,611 --> 00:02:03,251
of political Stars In Their Eyes
with a very good impression
25
00:02:03,251 --> 00:02:08,251
of Ed Miliband.
26
00:02:16,531 --> 00:02:20,771
On Ian's team tonight is the BBC's
chief international correspondent,
27
00:02:20,771 --> 00:02:24,251
who often has to pull out of
engagements at the last minute
28
00:02:24,251 --> 00:02:25,931
in order to report on
global conflicts.
29
00:02:25,931 --> 00:02:27,131
So it's a good job
30
00:02:27,131 --> 00:02:29,971
the world is such a peaceful
and happy place at the moment.
31
00:02:29,971 --> 00:02:35,011
Please welcome Lyse Doucet.
32
00:02:36,451 --> 00:02:38,131
On Paul's team tonight is a comedian
33
00:02:38,131 --> 00:02:40,171
and Crystal Palace
season ticket holder
34
00:02:40,171 --> 00:02:42,811
who says she likes letting out
her anger at football matches,
35
00:02:42,811 --> 00:02:45,931
being part of a crowd of furious men
shouting abuse at the players.
36
00:02:45,931 --> 00:02:49,251
So pretty much the same reason
Ian goes to Millwall.
37
00:02:49,251 --> 00:02:54,251
Please welcome Chloe Petts.
38
00:02:57,491 --> 00:02:59,851
We begin with the bigger
news stories of the week.
39
00:02:59,851 --> 00:03:02,371
Paul and Chloe, have a look at this.
40
00:03:02,371 --> 00:03:04,331
Mayoral elections and
local elections are happening.
41
00:03:04,331 --> 00:03:06,571
First person being sent to Rwanda.
42
00:03:06,571 --> 00:03:09,851
Yousaf channelling his inner
Michael Owen,
43
00:03:09,851 --> 00:03:13,491
playing a 13-year-old there. Yeah.
44
00:03:13,491 --> 00:03:15,891
That's probably just something...
I don't know what that is.
45
00:03:15,891 --> 00:03:18,051
So is that the right answer?
46
00:03:18,051 --> 00:03:21,171
I think the woman's holding up
a list of the candidates,
47
00:03:21,171 --> 00:03:26,091
just to show the punters
that they really are this bad.
48
00:03:27,851 --> 00:03:30,971
With disaster looming, what do some
Tories think would be a good idea?
49
00:03:30,971 --> 00:03:32,611
Change in leadership? Yes.
50
00:03:32,611 --> 00:03:35,651
Bring in Penny. Penny Mordaunt.
51
00:03:35,651 --> 00:03:37,771
Yes. A lot of talk about
Penny Mordaunt.
52
00:03:37,771 --> 00:03:40,171
How do we know that
she might be interested, though?
53
00:03:40,171 --> 00:03:41,851
Have they got a new lettuce out?
54
00:03:41,851 --> 00:03:46,851
Just a sort of pre-emptive one.
55
00:03:47,811 --> 00:03:50,691
I think, I personally think we
should have a constant lettuce going
56
00:03:50,691 --> 00:03:54,491
rather than getting them in
for the new leaders.
57
00:03:54,491 --> 00:03:59,491
And ironically, Constant Lettuce
sounds like the name of a Tory MP.
58
00:03:59,931 --> 00:04:02,251
According to a source
in The Telegraph...
59
00:04:03,931 --> 00:04:05,611
And if there's an operation
supporting Penny,
60
00:04:05,611 --> 00:04:10,611
what else must there be?
61
00:04:11,051 --> 00:04:13,451
What was the unpleasant surprise
for Rishi Sunak last week?
62
00:04:13,451 --> 00:04:15,731
He found out he was still
Prime Minister.
63
00:04:15,731 --> 00:04:19,371
A defection?
64
00:04:19,371 --> 00:04:20,771
ALL: Oh!!
65
00:04:20,771 --> 00:04:23,251
Yes, defection.
66
00:04:23,251 --> 00:04:24,931
It was in the news and everything.
67
00:04:24,931 --> 00:04:27,611
Yes, it was... Yeah.
68
00:04:27,611 --> 00:04:28,971
Tory MP defected to Labour.
69
00:04:28,971 --> 00:04:30,931
He was a doctor and he was
scandalised
70
00:04:30,931 --> 00:04:34,851
by the Conservatives' lack of
concern and investment into the NHS.
71
00:04:34,851 --> 00:04:36,291
Yeah. That's right, yeah. Yeah.
72
00:04:36,291 --> 00:04:39,611
When Labour talked him round
he said...
73
00:04:42,731 --> 00:04:47,731
Yep, he fell for it.
74
00:04:48,491 --> 00:04:51,371
I love the idea that he said,
"This government just really hasn't
75
00:04:51,371 --> 00:04:52,571
"tackled any of these issues."
76
00:04:52,571 --> 00:04:57,011
And we thought, "You've been in it."
77
00:04:57,011 --> 00:04:58,611
Rishi Sunak's not giving up.
78
00:04:58,611 --> 00:05:00,771
He's got his crack social media team
to work.
79
00:05:00,771 --> 00:05:02,451
Do you know what they've been doing?
80
00:05:02,451 --> 00:05:04,131
They put out a video to explain
81
00:05:04,131 --> 00:05:06,971
the National Insurance bonus
to us all.
82
00:05:06,971 --> 00:05:09,291
We're all going to get 900 quid.
83
00:05:09,291 --> 00:05:12,891
So they put out a video. Have we
got it? Shall we have a look?
84
00:05:12,891 --> 00:05:14,251
We've got it, yeah. Oh, boy, yeah.
85
00:05:18,451 --> 00:05:22,331
What?
86
00:05:22,331 --> 00:05:26,531
It's a lot to pay for a cup
of coffee, though.
87
00:05:26,531 --> 00:05:29,411
This is what's known as a TikTok
trend where people put milk
88
00:05:29,411 --> 00:05:31,811
into cups of coffee that have
messages written on them.
89
00:05:31,811 --> 00:05:35,531
No wonder the Russians hate us.
90
00:05:35,531 --> 00:05:38,571
But what's the really good news
91
00:05:38,571 --> 00:05:43,531
as far as Rishi Sunak's concerned?
92
00:05:44,371 --> 00:05:49,371
The first immigrant has been flown
to Rwanda, and just before...
93
00:05:49,531 --> 00:05:50,571
Volunteered. Volunteered.
94
00:05:50,571 --> 00:05:53,811
Volunteered to go?
Yes. Paid. £3,000.
95
00:05:53,811 --> 00:05:56,891
Yes. I don't think
that's volunteering.
96
00:05:56,891 --> 00:05:58,851
I think he's getting expenses.
97
00:05:58,851 --> 00:06:00,771
So, what? That's just for
the first month.
98
00:06:00,771 --> 00:06:04,011
Yeah. And then he has to do Airbnb.
99
00:06:04,011 --> 00:06:06,651
I can just see a wave of
18-year-olds pretending to be
100
00:06:06,651 --> 00:06:08,571
failed asylum seekers,
so they get paid £3,000
101
00:06:08,571 --> 00:06:11,611
to go on a gap year to Rwanda.
102
00:06:11,611 --> 00:06:16,611
I would have taken a Jagerbomb
to go on a gap year to Rwanda!
103
00:06:21,171 --> 00:06:23,571
Everyone's meant to be very, very
excited because we've got
104
00:06:23,571 --> 00:06:25,571
one person to go to Rwanda.
105
00:06:25,571 --> 00:06:27,291
Have you ever been to Rwanda, Lyse?
106
00:06:27,291 --> 00:06:29,451
I haven't, but it's actually
a very beautiful country.
107
00:06:29,451 --> 00:06:31,211
Is it? Yeah. Is it safe?
108
00:06:31,211 --> 00:06:34,131
Well, Britain has decided
it's safe, so I guess it must be.
109
00:06:34,131 --> 00:06:35,571
It's why they didn't send you.
110
00:06:35,571 --> 00:06:38,691
Well... Do you turn up at countries
and people in the airport go,
111
00:06:38,691 --> 00:06:39,891
"Oh, shit. It's Lyse Doucet!"?
112
00:06:39,891 --> 00:06:44,491
"Incoming!"
113
00:06:44,491 --> 00:06:46,891
Actually, did you see how people
in the audience started
114
00:06:46,891 --> 00:06:49,571
leaving when I showed up?
115
00:06:49,571 --> 00:06:52,451
I haven't been to Rwanda,
but I have been to Swindon and...
116
00:06:52,451 --> 00:06:54,931
Yes.
117
00:06:54,931 --> 00:06:57,051
Was that three grand as well?
118
00:06:57,051 --> 00:07:00,171
But I just think, tell the asylum
seekers that they'll be going there
119
00:07:00,171 --> 00:07:02,091
and that's enough of a deterrent.
LYSE: Yes.
120
00:07:02,091 --> 00:07:05,451
I mean, the ones who have come in
are now going off to Ireland
121
00:07:05,451 --> 00:07:08,851
because we've got this porous border
which everyone insisted on.
122
00:07:08,851 --> 00:07:10,331
3,500 have gone across the border.
123
00:07:10,331 --> 00:07:13,171
So if I had £1 for every one
that crossed the border,
124
00:07:13,171 --> 00:07:17,771
then I could send someone to Rwanda.
125
00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:20,971
It's working!
126
00:07:20,971 --> 00:07:22,011
And staying with abroad,
127
00:07:22,011 --> 00:07:24,011
what's happening in Scotland?
128
00:07:24,011 --> 00:07:28,971
The First Minister has resigned.
129
00:07:30,011 --> 00:07:33,251
He's had to resign
because he annoyed the Greens
130
00:07:33,251 --> 00:07:35,691
and then he didn't realise
how annoyed the Greens were
131
00:07:35,691 --> 00:07:37,851
and he said,
"Well, I didn't mean it."
132
00:07:37,851 --> 00:07:40,491
And they said, "You did,"
and so he had to leave.
133
00:07:40,491 --> 00:07:45,491
Yeah. That's the latest
political analysis from me.
134
00:07:46,091 --> 00:07:48,731
And it's the leader of a country
has had to resign
135
00:07:48,731 --> 00:07:51,851
because he's useless. I mean, that's
not going to be a good precedent.
136
00:07:51,851 --> 00:07:53,851
Terrible trend.
137
00:07:53,851 --> 00:07:55,611
It is as complicated as Paul said.
138
00:07:55,611 --> 00:07:58,251
The BBC immediately sent Chris Mason
up to Edinburgh to explain
139
00:07:58,251 --> 00:08:01,131
what's going on, but he seemed
more interested in just sort of
140
00:08:01,131 --> 00:08:04,251
popping in and out of the shot
like a cheeky little news goblin.
141
00:08:04,251 --> 00:08:07,251
Have a look at this.
142
00:08:07,251 --> 00:08:12,251
And that is why its political rivals
are seizing this moment.
143
00:08:13,011 --> 00:08:15,411
Ah, yes, the general election.
144
00:08:15,411 --> 00:08:17,571
This would be a sticky moment
at any time,
145
00:08:17,571 --> 00:08:22,571
and its consequences will be felt
here in Scotland and beyond.
146
00:08:28,251 --> 00:08:33,251
And we wish that producer
all the best in his next job.
147
00:08:33,931 --> 00:08:36,771
So who is going to take over and
shepherd the...? John Sweeney.
148
00:08:36,771 --> 00:08:39,411
Is it Swinney or Sweeney?
Swinney.
149
00:08:39,411 --> 00:08:40,891
Swinney. Swinney. Oh, Swinney.
150
00:08:40,891 --> 00:08:43,491
It could be John Swinney.
Are we sure?
151
00:08:43,491 --> 00:08:46,611
Well, they have to find someone in
the SNP who hasn't been arrested.
152
00:08:46,611 --> 00:08:51,611
So that really reduces
the number of candidates.
153
00:08:53,731 --> 00:08:55,571
Yes.
It could be Kate Forbes.
154
00:08:55,571 --> 00:08:58,731
She hasn't been arrested. No,
but she's pulled out of the race.
155
00:08:58,731 --> 00:09:00,171
Yes. She pulled out?
Yes. Yes.
156
00:09:00,171 --> 00:09:03,251
She takes a hardline view
on sexuality and is...
157
00:09:04,531 --> 00:09:06,811
I think we know
what their position is.
158
00:09:06,811 --> 00:09:11,811
APPLAUSE
159
00:09:13,171 --> 00:09:14,731
Oh!
160
00:09:14,731 --> 00:09:16,131
Oh, yes.
161
00:09:16,131 --> 00:09:18,771
I thought you were going to do
the pulled out joke.
162
00:09:18,771 --> 00:09:21,171
Well, it was there.
I just backed away from it.
163
00:09:21,171 --> 00:09:24,331
Anyway, it's...
164
00:09:24,331 --> 00:09:27,451
It's a shame for Humza Yousaf
because it all started out so well.
165
00:09:27,451 --> 00:09:30,051
Oh.
166
00:09:34,491 --> 00:09:37,651
Oh.
167
00:09:37,651 --> 00:09:40,291
Yeah. I think it was quite
refreshing that he did something
168
00:09:40,291 --> 00:09:42,211
that he considered to be wrong
and regrets
169
00:09:42,211 --> 00:09:45,091
and then stood down graciously.
170
00:09:45,091 --> 00:09:46,771
So you like the way he left?
171
00:09:46,771 --> 00:09:49,891
Yeah, I love the way he left.
It was with grace and dignity,
172
00:09:49,891 --> 00:09:52,051
and we haven't
had that for a long time.
173
00:09:52,051 --> 00:09:55,411
And I like the way that he sort of
looked over at his family
174
00:09:55,411 --> 00:09:56,851
and thanked them as he cried.
175
00:09:56,851 --> 00:09:59,251
And obviously, Johnson wouldn't have
been able to do that
176
00:09:59,251 --> 00:10:02,571
cos there wouldn't have been a
room big enough in Westminster.
177
00:10:02,571 --> 00:10:04,251
On the subject of grace and dignity,
178
00:10:04,251 --> 00:10:07,531
how's Liz Truss's book doing?
179
00:10:07,531 --> 00:10:12,531
Better than we hoped.
180
00:10:13,091 --> 00:10:16,731
Yep. It's at number 70 in the
bestseller list.
181
00:10:16,731 --> 00:10:19,651
It sold 2,000 in its first week.
182
00:10:19,651 --> 00:10:23,251
Can you name any of the 69 books
ahead of it in the bestseller list?
183
00:10:23,251 --> 00:10:25,571
Is it the Air Fryer book? It is!
184
00:10:28,211 --> 00:10:30,651
And...
185
00:10:34,131 --> 00:10:37,251
That only happened because Ian
admitted on Have I Got News For You
186
00:10:37,251 --> 00:10:40,731
that he had the book and he read it.
187
00:10:40,731 --> 00:10:42,171
Oh, so it's my fault?! Yeah.
188
00:10:42,171 --> 00:10:45,891
#justsaying.
189
00:10:45,891 --> 00:10:47,811
What's Boris Johnson been up to
this week?
190
00:10:47,811 --> 00:10:49,531
Who cares?
191
00:10:49,531 --> 00:10:51,131
APPLAUSE
192
00:10:51,131 --> 00:10:53,291
Oh, he's been...
Thank you very much. Thank you.
193
00:10:53,291 --> 00:10:58,291
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Thank you.
194
00:10:59,611 --> 00:11:00,651
Boris and Carrie,
195
00:11:00,651 --> 00:11:02,091
they celebrated their son's
four...firth birthday.
196
00:11:02,091 --> 00:11:03,731
Which birthday?
Four...
197
00:11:03,731 --> 00:11:06,531
His son's 44?!
How did he manage that?
198
00:11:06,531 --> 00:11:08,451
Well, his oldest is, must be.
199
00:11:08,451 --> 00:11:11,331
No, it was his son's - him and
Carrie's son's fourth birthday.
200
00:11:11,331 --> 00:11:13,251
All sorts of entertainment on offer,
including someone
201
00:11:13,251 --> 00:11:15,411
who spent the whole afternoon
trying to amuse people
202
00:11:15,411 --> 00:11:16,851
in a foam rubber dinosaur costume.
203
00:11:16,851 --> 00:11:17,051
They all said it was nice
of Nadine to help out.
204
00:11:18,851 --> 00:11:22,771
They all said it was nice
of Nadine to help out.
205
00:11:22,771 --> 00:11:25,411
So would you like to see the
disgraced former Prime Minister
206
00:11:25,411 --> 00:11:28,691
Boris Johnson in hell?
207
00:11:28,691 --> 00:11:29,731
Yes. AUDIENCE: Yes!
208
00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:32,371
Someone on Twitter has been finding
a depiction of Boris Johnson
209
00:11:32,371 --> 00:11:35,811
in Hieronymus Bosch paintings.
Here he is in hell.
210
00:11:39,171 --> 00:11:41,651
So this has been a busy week
in politics.
211
00:11:41,651 --> 00:11:44,531
This week was the very first time
that the Government has relocated
212
00:11:44,531 --> 00:11:46,451
a failed asylum seeker to
a third country.
213
00:11:46,451 --> 00:11:48,131
According to The Telegraph...
214
00:11:50,051 --> 00:11:55,051
Ministers! That's good enough
for me.
215
00:11:55,771 --> 00:11:57,931
And following the relocation
of the first asylum seeker
216
00:11:57,931 --> 00:12:00,891
from the UK, a politician
from Rwanda's opposition claimed
217
00:12:00,891 --> 00:12:02,811
that their government...
218
00:12:04,691 --> 00:12:09,611
Good news.
Something else we've got in common.
219
00:12:09,611 --> 00:12:11,491
Humza Yousaf's disastrous fallout
with the Green Party
220
00:12:11,491 --> 00:12:14,611
was described
by The Telegraph as...
221
00:12:17,491 --> 00:12:21,651
To which Liz Truss responded,
"Hold my pint."
222
00:12:21,651 --> 00:12:26,651
APPLAUSE
223
00:12:29,851 --> 00:12:32,851
Ian and Lyse, take a look at this.
224
00:12:32,851 --> 00:12:33,891
That's Columbia University.
225
00:12:33,891 --> 00:12:35,451
Tented encampments.
226
00:12:35,451 --> 00:12:38,851
The protests.
227
00:12:38,851 --> 00:12:43,091
The revolution will be catered.
228
00:12:43,091 --> 00:12:45,731
It's an extraordinary moment
in the United States
229
00:12:45,731 --> 00:12:49,011
in student politics.
230
00:12:49,011 --> 00:12:53,251
People are talking about
comparisons to the Vietnam War,
231
00:12:53,251 --> 00:12:55,891
where students became
very politicised.
232
00:12:55,891 --> 00:12:58,531
But there are also Jewish groups
on campus who are worried
233
00:12:58,531 --> 00:13:00,731
about their security.
234
00:13:00,731 --> 00:13:04,931
So, unlike the Vietnam War,
there's different points of view.
235
00:13:04,931 --> 00:13:07,811
And it's quite astonishing,
the way it's gone from New York
236
00:13:07,811 --> 00:13:09,251
to California, then to Utah, Texas.
237
00:13:09,251 --> 00:13:11,611
It's really spreading across
the United States
238
00:13:11,611 --> 00:13:14,691
and will soon be coming
to a university near you.
239
00:13:14,691 --> 00:13:17,091
Yeah, but the weather's
not so good, is it? Yes.
240
00:13:17,091 --> 00:13:20,291
And it's all connected
to the Gaza war.
241
00:13:20,291 --> 00:13:22,691
Student activists want companies
to stop doing business with Israel
242
00:13:22,691 --> 00:13:25,171
and want their colleges, many
with massive endowments,
243
00:13:25,171 --> 00:13:28,011
to stop investing
in those companies.
244
00:13:28,011 --> 00:13:29,931
The Republicans are absolutely
thrilled because they're all
245
00:13:29,931 --> 00:13:32,171
Democrat students protesting
against their own President,
246
00:13:32,171 --> 00:13:37,171
which sort of makes Trump
look logical.
247
00:13:39,131 --> 00:13:41,971
They were in the building for
over 24 hours, at which point
248
00:13:41,971 --> 00:13:43,171
the police were called on.
249
00:13:43,171 --> 00:13:45,571
And here's a number of NYPD officers
storming the building...
250
00:13:45,571 --> 00:13:49,451
..quite slowly.
251
00:13:49,451 --> 00:13:51,131
Aggressive use of torches.
252
00:13:51,131 --> 00:13:55,651
CROWD CHANTING
253
00:13:55,651 --> 00:13:59,771
LAUGHTER
254
00:13:59,771 --> 00:14:02,211
How has Lord Cameron of
Chipping Norton described the terms
255
00:14:02,211 --> 00:14:07,211
of a planned ceasefire agreement?
256
00:14:07,251 --> 00:14:08,811
He's described it as very generous.
257
00:14:08,811 --> 00:14:10,971
And in other words,
Hamas should accept it now,
258
00:14:10,971 --> 00:14:15,651
release all the hostages
and get aid into Gaza.
259
00:14:15,651 --> 00:14:17,091
And Netanyahu, who's been
very helpful,
260
00:14:17,091 --> 00:14:19,851
defining what a ceasefire is,
said that
261
00:14:19,851 --> 00:14:23,971
if there is a ceasefire,
they'll still attack...
262
00:14:23,971 --> 00:14:26,771
..southern Gaza.
263
00:14:26,771 --> 00:14:28,931
And I always thought,
if there was a ceasefire,
264
00:14:28,931 --> 00:14:30,131
that meant you ceased firing.
265
00:14:30,131 --> 00:14:32,651
But I've misunderstood this.
266
00:14:32,651 --> 00:14:35,891
And Netanyahu's made it
pretty clear.
267
00:14:35,891 --> 00:14:36,931
Temporary ceasefire.
Temporary ceasefire.
268
00:14:36,931 --> 00:14:39,291
Truce. Truce.
269
00:14:39,291 --> 00:14:42,891
I'll tell you what I think we need
now is a quick round up of
270
00:14:42,891 --> 00:14:44,571
good news stories from
around the world.
271
00:14:44,571 --> 00:14:48,171
CHEERING
272
00:14:48,171 --> 00:14:50,691
Fingers on buzzers.
Let's have a good news quiz.
273
00:14:50,691 --> 00:14:54,731
Excellent.
274
00:14:54,731 --> 00:14:55,971
Why have I got buttons?
275
00:14:55,971 --> 00:14:58,091
I don't know.
Press them and see what happens.
276
00:14:58,091 --> 00:15:01,171
LOUD BUZZER
PAUL SHRIEKS
277
00:15:01,171 --> 00:15:02,651
BUZZER
278
00:15:02,651 --> 00:15:03,691
God, this is extraordinary.
279
00:15:03,691 --> 00:15:07,491
It's like finding out Horizon had
remote access to the Post Offices.
280
00:15:07,491 --> 00:15:12,491
APPLAUSE
281
00:15:12,931 --> 00:15:15,571
Japan Airlines has successfully
reduced its carbon emissions. How?
282
00:15:15,571 --> 00:15:20,571
Grounding all planes.
283
00:15:20,811 --> 00:15:23,691
Making them run on nut oil.
284
00:15:23,691 --> 00:15:25,691
Chip fat.
285
00:15:25,691 --> 00:15:27,811
Don't call me Chip Fat.
286
00:15:27,811 --> 00:15:30,891
Didn't you once do an adaptation
of Goodbye, Mr Chip Fat?
287
00:15:30,891 --> 00:15:35,891
Oh, yeah. It was a long time ago.
Long time ago.
288
00:15:35,971 --> 00:15:38,411
They're renting clothes
to travellers
289
00:15:38,411 --> 00:15:40,131
so they don't have to pack any,
290
00:15:40,131 --> 00:15:42,171
thus drastically reducing the weight
of their luggage.
291
00:15:42,171 --> 00:15:44,571
You can rent up to eight outfits
for two weeks
292
00:15:44,571 --> 00:15:47,411
and then return them.
That's good news. Yeah.
293
00:15:47,411 --> 00:15:52,211
Not if you're the person that's
going on the third week. Yeah!
294
00:15:52,211 --> 00:15:54,371
According to these trousers,
it was a bumpy ride.
295
00:15:54,371 --> 00:15:58,931
MARTIN LAUGHS
296
00:15:58,931 --> 00:16:01,851
You made that bit up yourself!
297
00:16:01,851 --> 00:16:02,891
CHLOE LAUGHS
298
00:16:02,891 --> 00:16:05,051
And what's the good news linking
daffodils and cows?
299
00:16:05,051 --> 00:16:06,331
Come on, Ian!
300
00:16:06,331 --> 00:16:10,571
Wordsworth!
301
00:16:10,571 --> 00:16:14,811
If you hold a daffodil under
a cow's chin, does it make butter?
302
00:16:14,811 --> 00:16:16,451
No, that's a buttercup.
303
00:16:16,451 --> 00:16:19,571
You git!
304
00:16:19,571 --> 00:16:21,011
There's a chemical extracted
from daffodils
305
00:16:21,011 --> 00:16:23,651
and then fed to cows that reduces
the amount of methane
306
00:16:23,651 --> 00:16:26,691
burped out by a staggering 30%.
307
00:16:26,691 --> 00:16:28,851
The extract is called haeman...
308
00:16:28,851 --> 00:16:32,691
Haem...
Anyway, it's really good news.
309
00:16:32,691 --> 00:16:37,691
APPLAUSE
310
00:16:40,411 --> 00:16:41,451
Yes.
311
00:16:41,451 --> 00:16:42,531
And finally... Yeah? Yes?
312
00:16:42,531 --> 00:16:45,611
..in the Good News quiz, you are
no longer allowed to do what
313
00:16:45,611 --> 00:16:46,811
with a balloon in Florida?
314
00:16:46,811 --> 00:16:48,091
AUDIENCE MEMBER LAUGHS
315
00:16:48,091 --> 00:16:51,171
Not that, Madam.
316
00:16:51,171 --> 00:16:52,451
Tie it to a deckchair.
317
00:16:52,451 --> 00:16:55,691
You are not allowed
to deliberately release it.
318
00:16:55,691 --> 00:16:58,331
Good news, because ingesting even
a small part of a balloon
319
00:16:58,331 --> 00:17:00,251
can kill sea birds
or other marine life.
320
00:17:00,251 --> 00:17:04,171
So no more intentional
balloon releasing in Florida.
321
00:17:04,171 --> 00:17:06,811
That's fantastic news at the end
of the Good News quiz!
322
00:17:06,811 --> 00:17:11,771
APPLAUSE
323
00:17:11,771 --> 00:17:13,571
Whew!
324
00:17:13,571 --> 00:17:14,811
Staying in the United States,
325
00:17:14,811 --> 00:17:16,691
what might happen to Donald Trump
this week?
326
00:17:16,691 --> 00:17:18,851
Well, he's on trial at the moment,
isn't he?
327
00:17:18,851 --> 00:17:20,291
Keeps falling asleep
during the trial.
328
00:17:20,291 --> 00:17:23,411
But that's because he's anti-woke.
329
00:17:23,411 --> 00:17:24,451
Ha!
330
00:17:24,451 --> 00:17:28,891
APPLAUSE
331
00:17:28,891 --> 00:17:30,571
He's trying to break
the gagging order.
332
00:17:30,571 --> 00:17:33,131
Oh, the $9,000.
333
00:17:33,131 --> 00:17:34,571
Yes. He's done it nine times.
334
00:17:34,571 --> 00:17:36,851
Hmm. At the moment.
335
00:17:36,851 --> 00:17:38,771
There could be more...
But after a point,
336
00:17:38,771 --> 00:17:39,971
you can actually
incarcerate someone.
337
00:17:39,971 --> 00:17:41,771
That's what I'm... Yeah.
338
00:17:41,771 --> 00:17:43,211
So he might go to jail.
339
00:17:43,211 --> 00:17:44,931
But, apparently, they're
trying all these tricks.
340
00:17:44,931 --> 00:17:46,851
President Trump is sitting there
all by himself,
341
00:17:46,851 --> 00:17:48,771
so they got people to sit with him,
342
00:17:48,771 --> 00:17:50,931
and then they put a whole bunch
of documents
343
00:17:50,931 --> 00:17:54,291
and they gave him a marker so that
he could start marking the documents
344
00:17:54,291 --> 00:17:57,371
so that he looks like he's
really, really paying attention.
345
00:17:57,371 --> 00:18:02,331
Yeah. Yeah. Some colouring in. Yeah.
346
00:18:03,531 --> 00:18:06,411
This is the latest front to open up
in the Israel-Gaza conflict.
347
00:18:06,411 --> 00:18:09,931
Protesters occupied Hamilton Hall
at Columbia University,
348
00:18:09,931 --> 00:18:11,891
which was symbolic as,
according to the Times,
349
00:18:11,891 --> 00:18:15,171
the same thing happened there
in 1968...
350
00:18:18,091 --> 00:18:21,211
The only difference being
that, right now, Agent Orange
351
00:18:21,211 --> 00:18:24,691
is sat all day in a
New York courthouse.
352
00:18:24,691 --> 00:18:29,691
APPLAUSE
353
00:18:29,931 --> 00:18:32,291
In recent weeks, staff
have been concerned that Joe Biden's
354
00:18:32,291 --> 00:18:33,731
slow shuffling
round the presidential garden
355
00:18:33,731 --> 00:18:35,651
is making him appear
old and doddery.
356
00:18:35,651 --> 00:18:38,051
In fact, he looks so frail
that Captain Tom's daughter
357
00:18:38,051 --> 00:18:41,171
has started building a spa
on the White House lawn.
358
00:18:41,171 --> 00:18:45,731
APPLAUSE
359
00:18:45,731 --> 00:18:48,611
Lyse, it's a little-known fact
about you that you used to play
360
00:18:48,611 --> 00:18:51,251
a certain winter sport
to a very high level, didn't you?
361
00:18:51,251 --> 00:18:52,891
Curling. Curling. Hurling? Curling.
362
00:18:52,891 --> 00:18:55,531
Yeah. Well, it also brings us
neatly to Round Two,
363
00:18:55,531 --> 00:18:58,931
which is the curling-o-meter
of news. Oh, really? Oh, yeah.
364
00:18:58,931 --> 00:19:01,051
Fingers on buzzers.
365
00:19:01,051 --> 00:19:02,491
Here comes the first one.
366
00:19:02,491 --> 00:19:05,171
LYSE: Oh.
367
00:19:05,171 --> 00:19:10,051
APPLAUSE
368
00:19:10,051 --> 00:19:14,211
Keep going, keep going!
369
00:19:14,211 --> 00:19:17,251
Oh, this is the strange object,
370
00:19:17,251 --> 00:19:19,651
which is a Roman antiquity,
which was recently dug up,
371
00:19:19,651 --> 00:19:21,331
but they don't know what it is.
372
00:19:21,331 --> 00:19:22,331
It's a dodecahedron.
373
00:19:22,331 --> 00:19:23,411
Oh, dodecahedron. Yeah. Yeah.
374
00:19:23,411 --> 00:19:25,331
It's a curling puck before
they got good.
375
00:19:25,331 --> 00:19:27,691
It means it's got 12 sides. Yes.
376
00:19:27,691 --> 00:19:30,971
And 33 of these dodecahedrons
have been found in the UK,
377
00:19:30,971 --> 00:19:34,051
but this is one of
the largest at 8cm,
378
00:19:34,051 --> 00:19:36,931
discovered by a member of a local
history society in the village
379
00:19:36,931 --> 00:19:39,771
of Norton Disney near Lincoln.
380
00:19:39,771 --> 00:19:44,771
It's like Euro Disney,
but less shit.
381
00:19:45,251 --> 00:19:47,651
The head of the Norton Disney
History and Archaeology Group,
382
00:19:47,651 --> 00:19:48,771
Richard Parker,
383
00:19:48,771 --> 00:19:50,731
Nosey to his friends,
384
00:19:50,731 --> 00:19:54,091
he told the BBC that it was for...
385
00:19:59,011 --> 00:20:01,171
In other ancient news,
what was discovered this week
386
00:20:01,171 --> 00:20:04,291
that revealed Plato's last words?
387
00:20:04,291 --> 00:20:06,251
It was a scroll in Pompeii.
388
00:20:06,251 --> 00:20:08,891
This is the sort of topical
news quiz I like. Yeah.
389
00:20:08,891 --> 00:20:11,851
And there are a lot of
burnt manuscripts,
390
00:20:11,851 --> 00:20:15,971
but they've developed a new sort of
laser-reading technique
391
00:20:15,971 --> 00:20:18,811
and they can tell
what's on the scrolls. Ah.
392
00:20:18,811 --> 00:20:20,091
It's got Plato's last words,
393
00:20:20,091 --> 00:20:23,371
in which he's complaining
about someone playing the flute.
394
00:20:23,371 --> 00:20:25,971
So you think, "Gosh, I wonder
if Plato had something
395
00:20:25,971 --> 00:20:27,651
"really profound to say
before he died,"
396
00:20:27,651 --> 00:20:31,611
and it was, "That girl's
useless at the flute."
397
00:20:31,611 --> 00:20:34,691
Does anyone recall the singer
and actor Adam Faith's
398
00:20:34,691 --> 00:20:38,331
poignant last words? Yes.
399
00:20:38,331 --> 00:20:42,091
Yes. He said, "There's a lot of
shit on Channel 5, isn't there?"
400
00:20:42,091 --> 00:20:47,091
APPLAUSE
401
00:20:47,571 --> 00:20:49,891
But...
402
00:20:49,891 --> 00:20:51,331
..I think you'll find that output
403
00:20:51,331 --> 00:20:53,731
has improved considerably
since then.
404
00:20:53,731 --> 00:20:55,891
So this is the news
that a dodecahedron discovered
405
00:20:55,891 --> 00:20:58,211
near Lincoln is confusing
Roman scholars.
406
00:20:58,211 --> 00:21:00,891
If you're unsure what possible
purpose it could serve,
407
00:21:00,891 --> 00:21:05,131
Lincoln is an administrative centre
in the north of England.
408
00:21:05,131 --> 00:21:07,851
The artefact was found
in the village of Norton Disney,
409
00:21:07,851 --> 00:21:10,971
although, if you missed the story,
you can always catch up with it
410
00:21:10,971 --> 00:21:15,251
on the local news channel,
Norton Disney +1.
411
00:21:15,251 --> 00:21:18,611
According to a newly unearthed
papyrus scroll from Herculaneum...
412
00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:19,771
So it's quite possible
that he killed himself.
413
00:21:31,051 --> 00:21:36,051
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
Here we go.
414
00:21:38,531 --> 00:21:41,411
Keep going. Keep going!
415
00:21:41,411 --> 00:21:44,171
Keep going.
416
00:21:44,171 --> 00:21:45,731
Oh, well done.
417
00:21:45,731 --> 00:21:47,171
That was a tough one.
418
00:21:47,171 --> 00:21:49,811
This is the new stadium in
Manchester, the Co-op Live stadium,
419
00:21:49,811 --> 00:21:52,411
as it's usefully labelled
on the outside,
420
00:21:52,411 --> 00:21:54,331
which has still not managed
to open properly.
421
00:21:54,331 --> 00:21:56,211
They've sort of had to
cancel many shows.
422
00:21:56,211 --> 00:21:57,651
They were about to open up.
423
00:21:57,651 --> 00:22:00,331
Some people started coming in
and a piece of air conditioning
424
00:22:00,331 --> 00:22:02,251
fell out of the ceiling
onto the floor,
425
00:22:02,251 --> 00:22:03,891
and so everybody had to go home.
426
00:22:03,891 --> 00:22:05,171
This is 25,000 people capacity,
427
00:22:05,171 --> 00:22:07,571
but only six people
have been let in so far.
428
00:22:07,571 --> 00:22:09,731
And they went in
to fix the air conditioning.
429
00:22:09,731 --> 00:22:12,851
Yes.
430
00:22:12,851 --> 00:22:14,571
Whose performance became
the latest casualty
431
00:22:14,571 --> 00:22:17,571
of the arena's technical problems?
432
00:22:17,571 --> 00:22:20,411
A Boogie With A Hoodie?
433
00:22:20,411 --> 00:22:22,691
Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah.
434
00:22:22,691 --> 00:22:27,691
APPLAUSE
435
00:22:28,971 --> 00:22:31,691
And here's the Today programme
on Radio 4 naming him.
436
00:22:31,691 --> 00:22:33,851
The new Co-op Live Arena
in Manchester has apologised
437
00:22:33,851 --> 00:22:35,771
after postponing its opening
for the third time.
438
00:22:35,771 --> 00:22:38,171
The announcement was made
last night as people were queuing
439
00:22:38,171 --> 00:22:40,491
outside to see the American rapper
440
00:22:40,491 --> 00:22:44,571
A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie.
441
00:22:44,571 --> 00:22:48,011
They confirmed there was a problem
during the sound check
442
00:22:48,011 --> 00:22:53,011
when people listening could
understand every word he was saying.
443
00:22:54,291 --> 00:22:56,931
According to the Mail, cancelled
acts at the Co-op Live Arena
444
00:22:56,931 --> 00:22:59,051
included Peter Kay
and Olivia Rodrigo,
445
00:22:59,051 --> 00:23:01,491
and if that wasn't bad enough...
446
00:23:04,851 --> 00:23:06,771
After a concert by American rapper
447
00:23:06,771 --> 00:23:11,771
A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie
was cancelled...
448
00:23:14,851 --> 00:23:17,171
I went a bit Scottish there,
didn't I?
449
00:23:17,171 --> 00:23:19,131
SCOTTISH ACCENT:
A Boogie With A Hoodie.
450
00:23:19,131 --> 00:23:21,491
I think just say it with
your normal voice. Yeah.
451
00:23:21,491 --> 00:23:23,211
I thought I was.
452
00:23:23,211 --> 00:23:24,571
A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie.
453
00:23:24,571 --> 00:23:27,491
A Boogie... Oh, no, it is hard.
Yeah. Yeah.
454
00:23:27,491 --> 00:23:29,691
A Boogie With A Hoodie.
455
00:23:29,691 --> 00:23:31,411
No, no, "Da Hoodie".
456
00:23:31,411 --> 00:23:32,851
After a concert by American rapper
457
00:23:32,851 --> 00:23:37,851
A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie
was cancelled...
458
00:23:41,171 --> 00:23:43,611
..footage showed a digger
and a dumper outside the venue.
459
00:23:43,611 --> 00:23:45,291
He's a bit early.
460
00:23:45,291 --> 00:23:49,691
A Digger And A Dumper's
concert's next week.
461
00:23:49,691 --> 00:23:53,051
Other stars set to play at the venue
include Take That and Eric Clapton.
462
00:23:53,051 --> 00:23:54,971
The Village People say
they've also been approached
463
00:23:54,971 --> 00:23:56,411
as long as they bring along
464
00:23:56,411 --> 00:24:01,411
the bloke with the hard hat
and the toolbelt.
465
00:24:02,731 --> 00:24:04,611
Just time now for the
Missing Words Round,
466
00:24:04,611 --> 00:24:06,571
which this week features
as its guest publication
467
00:24:06,571 --> 00:24:09,371
Guinea Pig Magazine.
468
00:24:09,371 --> 00:24:14,371
Or, as it's known in Peru, the menu.
469
00:24:14,931 --> 00:24:17,291
And we start with...
470
00:24:19,891 --> 00:24:23,371
It starts making faces behind
your back. LYSE: Yeah.
471
00:24:23,371 --> 00:24:28,371
CHLOE: It's loading the dishwasher
more loudly than usual.
472
00:24:29,971 --> 00:24:30,851
Yep. This is from a full-length
article in Guinea Pig Magazine
473
00:24:33,331 --> 00:24:35,971
Yep. This is from a full-length
article in Guinea Pig Magazine
474
00:24:35,971 --> 00:24:40,971
all about how to keep
your favourite fluffy pet
475
00:24:41,211 --> 00:24:42,731
feeling relaxed and happy.
476
00:24:42,731 --> 00:24:44,171
Now, that, Lyse,
that's proper journalism.
477
00:24:44,171 --> 00:24:47,051
Next.
478
00:24:50,811 --> 00:24:52,491
She was one of the first, actually,
479
00:24:52,491 --> 00:24:55,131
to do a live television broadcast
when she was in Canada.
480
00:24:55,131 --> 00:24:56,171
What, Queen Elizabeth I?!
481
00:24:56,171 --> 00:24:57,211
Oh, sorry...
482
00:24:57,211 --> 00:24:58,251
No, no, no!
483
00:24:58,251 --> 00:25:02,771
Wrong Queen Elizabeth!
484
00:25:02,771 --> 00:25:05,891
Queen Elizabeth was one of the
first people to own a guinea pig.
485
00:25:05,891 --> 00:25:06,931
Yes! Come on!
486
00:25:06,931 --> 00:25:10,531
Oh, bravo!
487
00:25:10,531 --> 00:25:14,051
Next.
488
00:25:14,051 --> 00:25:16,731
Two half-dolphins.
489
00:25:16,731 --> 00:25:21,251
CHLOE: False eyelash.
490
00:25:21,251 --> 00:25:22,651
It's a catfish.
491
00:25:22,651 --> 00:25:24,091
LYSE: Oh. Let's have a look.
492
00:25:24,091 --> 00:25:26,331
LYSE: Wow.
493
00:25:26,331 --> 00:25:29,811
That might just be a little bloke.
494
00:25:29,811 --> 00:25:33,051
That's going to make the best Tinder
profile picture that anyone has had.
495
00:25:33,051 --> 00:25:35,371
OK, next.
496
00:25:35,371 --> 00:25:40,371
You can re-experience the thrill
of the Liz Truss government...
497
00:25:42,291 --> 00:25:45,571
APPLAUSE
498
00:25:45,571 --> 00:25:49,531
..with just two toilet rolls.
499
00:25:49,531 --> 00:25:52,611
You can create an adventure
playground for your guinea pig.
500
00:25:52,611 --> 00:25:53,851
An exercise park.
501
00:25:53,851 --> 00:25:55,451
I'm close, aren't I?
502
00:25:55,451 --> 00:25:56,891
You're very close. Go on, then.
503
00:25:56,891 --> 00:26:00,011
And if it turns out that they
were the last two toilet rolls,
504
00:26:00,011 --> 00:26:05,011
you'll just have to
use the guinea pig.
505
00:26:07,531 --> 00:26:09,491
Finally...
506
00:26:09,491 --> 00:26:14,491
Launching missile attack
on Women's Institute.
507
00:26:14,771 --> 00:26:19,171
Misunderstanding the purpose
of a needle exchange. Yes.
508
00:26:19,171 --> 00:26:23,651
APPLAUSE
509
00:26:23,651 --> 00:26:25,051
Oh. CHLOE: Ooh!
510
00:26:25,051 --> 00:26:27,451
The knitting club in Shepton Mallet
in Somerset received complaints
511
00:26:27,451 --> 00:26:32,451
about their display of naked figures
and were forced to cover them up.
512
00:26:35,131 --> 00:26:40,131
That really is Village People.
513
00:26:44,891 --> 00:26:47,251
The policeman on his left
has got his genitals exposed,
514
00:26:47,251 --> 00:26:50,251
so he's presumably from the Met.
515
00:26:50,251 --> 00:26:55,251
The bloke next to him is
obviously a Tory MP.
516
00:26:57,211 --> 00:26:58,651
So the final scores are -
517
00:26:58,651 --> 00:27:01,851
Ian and Lyse have 4,
518
00:27:01,851 --> 00:27:03,851
Paul and Chloe have a massive 6.
Ohh!
519
00:27:03,851 --> 00:27:05,771
Well done.
520
00:27:05,771 --> 00:27:08,851
But before we go, there's just time
for the caption competition.
521
00:27:08,851 --> 00:27:13,851
Ian and Lyse have this.
522
00:27:13,851 --> 00:27:18,051
Oh, you don't look anything
like your profile picture.
523
00:27:18,051 --> 00:27:20,771
And Paul and Chloe, you have this.
524
00:27:20,771 --> 00:27:25,051
Passenger complains
of long wait between buses.
525
00:27:25,051 --> 00:27:30,051
And why is it being sponsored
by an Irish rock band?
526
00:27:30,211 --> 00:27:33,051
U2. U2.
527
00:27:33,051 --> 00:27:34,571
In case people are thinking,
528
00:27:34,571 --> 00:27:39,131
"I can't think of an Irish
rock band called Uxbridge."
529
00:27:39,131 --> 00:27:41,851
On which note, we say thank you
to our panellists,
530
00:27:41,851 --> 00:27:45,051
Ian Hislop and Lyse Doucet,
Paul Merton and Chloe Petts.
531
00:27:45,051 --> 00:27:47,211
And I leave you with news
that, in Islington,
532
00:27:47,211 --> 00:27:49,491
a middle-aged man
is disappointed that the one day
533
00:27:49,491 --> 00:27:51,851
he's ready to play five-a-side
football, everybody else cancels.
534
00:27:56,091 --> 00:27:58,251
In Reading, a man arrested
for selling stolen watches
535
00:27:58,251 --> 00:27:59,691
in the big Tesco car park
536
00:27:59,691 --> 00:28:04,451
says he regrets
using a reversible coat.
537
00:28:06,251 --> 00:28:09,691
And at a photo op in Norwich,
Rishi Sunak tries hard
538
00:28:09,691 --> 00:28:11,371
to conceal the fact
that there's been
539
00:28:11,371 --> 00:28:16,371
a terrible accident with a clamp.
540
00:28:21,091 --> 00:28:22,091
Goodnight.
541
00:28:22,091 --> 00:28:27,091
APPLAUSE