1 00:00:03,371 --> 00:00:05,051 My confidence is in need of boosting. 2 00:00:05,051 --> 00:00:08,211 There was a question on a recent Tipping Point on ITV. 3 00:00:08,211 --> 00:00:11,011 The question was, who's the long-standing editor of Private Eye? 4 00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:16,011 And the contestant said Ian Himmler. 5 00:00:20,251 --> 00:00:21,651 My name is Chloe Petts. 6 00:00:21,651 --> 00:00:25,011 I am in need of confidence because I recently went on a TV quiz 7 00:00:25,011 --> 00:00:30,011 and called Ian Hislop Ian Himmler. 8 00:00:30,851 --> 00:00:35,851 I was recently watching an episode of Tipping Point... 9 00:00:36,011 --> 00:00:37,211 ..and they asked the question, 10 00:00:37,211 --> 00:00:39,611 who is the other team captain other than Ian Himmler? 11 00:00:39,611 --> 00:00:44,611 And somebody said, Paul Hitler. 12 00:00:45,571 --> 00:00:50,571 This programme contains some strong language 13 00:01:08,891 --> 00:01:13,851 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 14 00:01:21,131 --> 00:01:24,211 Good evening. Welcome to 15 00:01:24,211 --> 00:01:26,571 I'm Martin Clunes. 16 00:01:26,571 --> 00:01:29,451 In the news this week - in Essex, a traumatised customer decides 17 00:01:29,451 --> 00:01:31,611 to express himself creatively to deal with his experiences 18 00:01:31,611 --> 00:01:36,531 of the Virgin Media Helpline. 19 00:01:39,691 --> 00:01:41,851 On a visit to Battersea Dogs and Cats Home, 20 00:01:41,851 --> 00:01:43,811 there's an unfortunate mix up 21 00:01:43,811 --> 00:01:48,811 with the used and unused cat litter tubs. 22 00:01:52,851 --> 00:01:54,931 And on a Labour Party awayday, Rachel Reeves wins a game 23 00:01:57,091 --> 00:02:00,611 And on a Labour Party awayday, Rachel Reeves wins a game 24 00:02:00,611 --> 00:02:03,251 of political Stars In Their Eyes with a very good impression 25 00:02:03,251 --> 00:02:08,251 of Ed Miliband. 26 00:02:16,531 --> 00:02:20,771 On Ian's team tonight is the BBC's chief international correspondent, 27 00:02:20,771 --> 00:02:24,251 who often has to pull out of engagements at the last minute 28 00:02:24,251 --> 00:02:25,931 in order to report on global conflicts. 29 00:02:25,931 --> 00:02:27,131 So it's a good job 30 00:02:27,131 --> 00:02:29,971 the world is such a peaceful and happy place at the moment. 31 00:02:29,971 --> 00:02:35,011 Please welcome Lyse Doucet. 32 00:02:36,451 --> 00:02:38,131 On Paul's team tonight is a comedian 33 00:02:38,131 --> 00:02:40,171 and Crystal Palace season ticket holder 34 00:02:40,171 --> 00:02:42,811 who says she likes letting out her anger at football matches, 35 00:02:42,811 --> 00:02:45,931 being part of a crowd of furious men shouting abuse at the players. 36 00:02:45,931 --> 00:02:49,251 So pretty much the same reason Ian goes to Millwall. 37 00:02:49,251 --> 00:02:54,251 Please welcome Chloe Petts. 38 00:02:57,491 --> 00:02:59,851 We begin with the bigger news stories of the week. 39 00:02:59,851 --> 00:03:02,371 Paul and Chloe, have a look at this. 40 00:03:02,371 --> 00:03:04,331 Mayoral elections and local elections are happening. 41 00:03:04,331 --> 00:03:06,571 First person being sent to Rwanda. 42 00:03:06,571 --> 00:03:09,851 Yousaf channelling his inner Michael Owen, 43 00:03:09,851 --> 00:03:13,491 playing a 13-year-old there. Yeah. 44 00:03:13,491 --> 00:03:15,891 That's probably just something... I don't know what that is. 45 00:03:15,891 --> 00:03:18,051 So is that the right answer? 46 00:03:18,051 --> 00:03:21,171 I think the woman's holding up a list of the candidates, 47 00:03:21,171 --> 00:03:26,091 just to show the punters that they really are this bad. 48 00:03:27,851 --> 00:03:30,971 With disaster looming, what do some Tories think would be a good idea? 49 00:03:30,971 --> 00:03:32,611 Change in leadership? Yes. 50 00:03:32,611 --> 00:03:35,651 Bring in Penny. Penny Mordaunt. 51 00:03:35,651 --> 00:03:37,771 Yes. A lot of talk about Penny Mordaunt. 52 00:03:37,771 --> 00:03:40,171 How do we know that she might be interested, though? 53 00:03:40,171 --> 00:03:41,851 Have they got a new lettuce out? 54 00:03:41,851 --> 00:03:46,851 Just a sort of pre-emptive one. 55 00:03:47,811 --> 00:03:50,691 I think, I personally think we should have a constant lettuce going 56 00:03:50,691 --> 00:03:54,491 rather than getting them in for the new leaders. 57 00:03:54,491 --> 00:03:59,491 And ironically, Constant Lettuce sounds like the name of a Tory MP. 58 00:03:59,931 --> 00:04:02,251 According to a source in The Telegraph... 59 00:04:03,931 --> 00:04:05,611 And if there's an operation supporting Penny, 60 00:04:05,611 --> 00:04:10,611 what else must there be? 61 00:04:11,051 --> 00:04:13,451 What was the unpleasant surprise for Rishi Sunak last week? 62 00:04:13,451 --> 00:04:15,731 He found out he was still Prime Minister. 63 00:04:15,731 --> 00:04:19,371 A defection? 64 00:04:19,371 --> 00:04:20,771 ALL: Oh!! 65 00:04:20,771 --> 00:04:23,251 Yes, defection. 66 00:04:23,251 --> 00:04:24,931 It was in the news and everything. 67 00:04:24,931 --> 00:04:27,611 Yes, it was... Yeah. 68 00:04:27,611 --> 00:04:28,971 Tory MP defected to Labour. 69 00:04:28,971 --> 00:04:30,931 He was a doctor and he was scandalised 70 00:04:30,931 --> 00:04:34,851 by the Conservatives' lack of concern and investment into the NHS. 71 00:04:34,851 --> 00:04:36,291 Yeah. That's right, yeah. Yeah. 72 00:04:36,291 --> 00:04:39,611 When Labour talked him round he said... 73 00:04:42,731 --> 00:04:47,731 Yep, he fell for it. 74 00:04:48,491 --> 00:04:51,371 I love the idea that he said, "This government just really hasn't 75 00:04:51,371 --> 00:04:52,571 "tackled any of these issues." 76 00:04:52,571 --> 00:04:57,011 And we thought, "You've been in it." 77 00:04:57,011 --> 00:04:58,611 Rishi Sunak's not giving up. 78 00:04:58,611 --> 00:05:00,771 He's got his crack social media team to work. 79 00:05:00,771 --> 00:05:02,451 Do you know what they've been doing? 80 00:05:02,451 --> 00:05:04,131 They put out a video to explain 81 00:05:04,131 --> 00:05:06,971 the National Insurance bonus to us all. 82 00:05:06,971 --> 00:05:09,291 We're all going to get 900 quid. 83 00:05:09,291 --> 00:05:12,891 So they put out a video. Have we got it? Shall we have a look? 84 00:05:12,891 --> 00:05:14,251 We've got it, yeah. Oh, boy, yeah. 85 00:05:18,451 --> 00:05:22,331 What? 86 00:05:22,331 --> 00:05:26,531 It's a lot to pay for a cup of coffee, though. 87 00:05:26,531 --> 00:05:29,411 This is what's known as a TikTok trend where people put milk 88 00:05:29,411 --> 00:05:31,811 into cups of coffee that have messages written on them. 89 00:05:31,811 --> 00:05:35,531 No wonder the Russians hate us. 90 00:05:35,531 --> 00:05:38,571 But what's the really good news 91 00:05:38,571 --> 00:05:43,531 as far as Rishi Sunak's concerned? 92 00:05:44,371 --> 00:05:49,371 The first immigrant has been flown to Rwanda, and just before... 93 00:05:49,531 --> 00:05:50,571 Volunteered. Volunteered. 94 00:05:50,571 --> 00:05:53,811 Volunteered to go? Yes. Paid. £3,000. 95 00:05:53,811 --> 00:05:56,891 Yes. I don't think that's volunteering. 96 00:05:56,891 --> 00:05:58,851 I think he's getting expenses. 97 00:05:58,851 --> 00:06:00,771 So, what? That's just for the first month. 98 00:06:00,771 --> 00:06:04,011 Yeah. And then he has to do Airbnb. 99 00:06:04,011 --> 00:06:06,651 I can just see a wave of 18-year-olds pretending to be 100 00:06:06,651 --> 00:06:08,571 failed asylum seekers, so they get paid £3,000 101 00:06:08,571 --> 00:06:11,611 to go on a gap year to Rwanda. 102 00:06:11,611 --> 00:06:16,611 I would have taken a Jagerbomb to go on a gap year to Rwanda! 103 00:06:21,171 --> 00:06:23,571 Everyone's meant to be very, very excited because we've got 104 00:06:23,571 --> 00:06:25,571 one person to go to Rwanda. 105 00:06:25,571 --> 00:06:27,291 Have you ever been to Rwanda, Lyse? 106 00:06:27,291 --> 00:06:29,451 I haven't, but it's actually a very beautiful country. 107 00:06:29,451 --> 00:06:31,211 Is it? Yeah. Is it safe? 108 00:06:31,211 --> 00:06:34,131 Well, Britain has decided it's safe, so I guess it must be. 109 00:06:34,131 --> 00:06:35,571 It's why they didn't send you. 110 00:06:35,571 --> 00:06:38,691 Well... Do you turn up at countries and people in the airport go, 111 00:06:38,691 --> 00:06:39,891 "Oh, shit. It's Lyse Doucet!"? 112 00:06:39,891 --> 00:06:44,491 "Incoming!" 113 00:06:44,491 --> 00:06:46,891 Actually, did you see how people in the audience started 114 00:06:46,891 --> 00:06:49,571 leaving when I showed up? 115 00:06:49,571 --> 00:06:52,451 I haven't been to Rwanda, but I have been to Swindon and... 116 00:06:52,451 --> 00:06:54,931 Yes. 117 00:06:54,931 --> 00:06:57,051 Was that three grand as well? 118 00:06:57,051 --> 00:07:00,171 But I just think, tell the asylum seekers that they'll be going there 119 00:07:00,171 --> 00:07:02,091 and that's enough of a deterrent. LYSE: Yes. 120 00:07:02,091 --> 00:07:05,451 I mean, the ones who have come in are now going off to Ireland 121 00:07:05,451 --> 00:07:08,851 because we've got this porous border which everyone insisted on. 122 00:07:08,851 --> 00:07:10,331 3,500 have gone across the border. 123 00:07:10,331 --> 00:07:13,171 So if I had £1 for every one that crossed the border, 124 00:07:13,171 --> 00:07:17,771 then I could send someone to Rwanda. 125 00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:20,971 It's working! 126 00:07:20,971 --> 00:07:22,011 And staying with abroad, 127 00:07:22,011 --> 00:07:24,011 what's happening in Scotland? 128 00:07:24,011 --> 00:07:28,971 The First Minister has resigned. 129 00:07:30,011 --> 00:07:33,251 He's had to resign because he annoyed the Greens 130 00:07:33,251 --> 00:07:35,691 and then he didn't realise how annoyed the Greens were 131 00:07:35,691 --> 00:07:37,851 and he said, "Well, I didn't mean it." 132 00:07:37,851 --> 00:07:40,491 And they said, "You did," and so he had to leave. 133 00:07:40,491 --> 00:07:45,491 Yeah. That's the latest political analysis from me. 134 00:07:46,091 --> 00:07:48,731 And it's the leader of a country has had to resign 135 00:07:48,731 --> 00:07:51,851 because he's useless. I mean, that's not going to be a good precedent. 136 00:07:51,851 --> 00:07:53,851 Terrible trend. 137 00:07:53,851 --> 00:07:55,611 It is as complicated as Paul said. 138 00:07:55,611 --> 00:07:58,251 The BBC immediately sent Chris Mason up to Edinburgh to explain 139 00:07:58,251 --> 00:08:01,131 what's going on, but he seemed more interested in just sort of 140 00:08:01,131 --> 00:08:04,251 popping in and out of the shot like a cheeky little news goblin. 141 00:08:04,251 --> 00:08:07,251 Have a look at this. 142 00:08:07,251 --> 00:08:12,251 And that is why its political rivals are seizing this moment. 143 00:08:13,011 --> 00:08:15,411 Ah, yes, the general election. 144 00:08:15,411 --> 00:08:17,571 This would be a sticky moment at any time, 145 00:08:17,571 --> 00:08:22,571 and its consequences will be felt here in Scotland and beyond. 146 00:08:28,251 --> 00:08:33,251 And we wish that producer all the best in his next job. 147 00:08:33,931 --> 00:08:36,771 So who is going to take over and shepherd the...? John Sweeney. 148 00:08:36,771 --> 00:08:39,411 Is it Swinney or Sweeney? Swinney. 149 00:08:39,411 --> 00:08:40,891 Swinney. Swinney. Oh, Swinney. 150 00:08:40,891 --> 00:08:43,491 It could be John Swinney. Are we sure? 151 00:08:43,491 --> 00:08:46,611 Well, they have to find someone in the SNP who hasn't been arrested. 152 00:08:46,611 --> 00:08:51,611 So that really reduces the number of candidates. 153 00:08:53,731 --> 00:08:55,571 Yes. It could be Kate Forbes. 154 00:08:55,571 --> 00:08:58,731 She hasn't been arrested. No, but she's pulled out of the race. 155 00:08:58,731 --> 00:09:00,171 Yes. She pulled out? Yes. Yes. 156 00:09:00,171 --> 00:09:03,251 She takes a hardline view on sexuality and is... 157 00:09:04,531 --> 00:09:06,811 I think we know what their position is. 158 00:09:06,811 --> 00:09:11,811 APPLAUSE 159 00:09:13,171 --> 00:09:14,731 Oh! 160 00:09:14,731 --> 00:09:16,131 Oh, yes. 161 00:09:16,131 --> 00:09:18,771 I thought you were going to do the pulled out joke. 162 00:09:18,771 --> 00:09:21,171 Well, it was there. I just backed away from it. 163 00:09:21,171 --> 00:09:24,331 Anyway, it's... 164 00:09:24,331 --> 00:09:27,451 It's a shame for Humza Yousaf because it all started out so well. 165 00:09:27,451 --> 00:09:30,051 Oh. 166 00:09:34,491 --> 00:09:37,651 Oh. 167 00:09:37,651 --> 00:09:40,291 Yeah. I think it was quite refreshing that he did something 168 00:09:40,291 --> 00:09:42,211 that he considered to be wrong and regrets 169 00:09:42,211 --> 00:09:45,091 and then stood down graciously. 170 00:09:45,091 --> 00:09:46,771 So you like the way he left? 171 00:09:46,771 --> 00:09:49,891 Yeah, I love the way he left. It was with grace and dignity, 172 00:09:49,891 --> 00:09:52,051 and we haven't had that for a long time. 173 00:09:52,051 --> 00:09:55,411 And I like the way that he sort of looked over at his family 174 00:09:55,411 --> 00:09:56,851 and thanked them as he cried. 175 00:09:56,851 --> 00:09:59,251 And obviously, Johnson wouldn't have been able to do that 176 00:09:59,251 --> 00:10:02,571 cos there wouldn't have been a room big enough in Westminster. 177 00:10:02,571 --> 00:10:04,251 On the subject of grace and dignity, 178 00:10:04,251 --> 00:10:07,531 how's Liz Truss's book doing? 179 00:10:07,531 --> 00:10:12,531 Better than we hoped. 180 00:10:13,091 --> 00:10:16,731 Yep. It's at number 70 in the bestseller list. 181 00:10:16,731 --> 00:10:19,651 It sold 2,000 in its first week. 182 00:10:19,651 --> 00:10:23,251 Can you name any of the 69 books ahead of it in the bestseller list? 183 00:10:23,251 --> 00:10:25,571 Is it the Air Fryer book? It is! 184 00:10:28,211 --> 00:10:30,651 And... 185 00:10:34,131 --> 00:10:37,251 That only happened because Ian admitted on Have I Got News For You 186 00:10:37,251 --> 00:10:40,731 that he had the book and he read it. 187 00:10:40,731 --> 00:10:42,171 Oh, so it's my fault?! Yeah. 188 00:10:42,171 --> 00:10:45,891 #justsaying. 189 00:10:45,891 --> 00:10:47,811 What's Boris Johnson been up to this week? 190 00:10:47,811 --> 00:10:49,531 Who cares? 191 00:10:49,531 --> 00:10:51,131 APPLAUSE 192 00:10:51,131 --> 00:10:53,291 Oh, he's been... Thank you very much. Thank you. 193 00:10:53,291 --> 00:10:58,291 Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. 194 00:10:59,611 --> 00:11:00,651 Boris and Carrie, 195 00:11:00,651 --> 00:11:02,091 they celebrated their son's four...firth birthday. 196 00:11:02,091 --> 00:11:03,731 Which birthday? Four... 197 00:11:03,731 --> 00:11:06,531 His son's 44?! How did he manage that? 198 00:11:06,531 --> 00:11:08,451 Well, his oldest is, must be. 199 00:11:08,451 --> 00:11:11,331 No, it was his son's - him and Carrie's son's fourth birthday. 200 00:11:11,331 --> 00:11:13,251 All sorts of entertainment on offer, including someone 201 00:11:13,251 --> 00:11:15,411 who spent the whole afternoon trying to amuse people 202 00:11:15,411 --> 00:11:16,851 in a foam rubber dinosaur costume. 203 00:11:16,851 --> 00:11:17,051 They all said it was nice of Nadine to help out. 204 00:11:18,851 --> 00:11:22,771 They all said it was nice of Nadine to help out. 205 00:11:22,771 --> 00:11:25,411 So would you like to see the disgraced former Prime Minister 206 00:11:25,411 --> 00:11:28,691 Boris Johnson in hell? 207 00:11:28,691 --> 00:11:29,731 Yes. AUDIENCE: Yes! 208 00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:32,371 Someone on Twitter has been finding a depiction of Boris Johnson 209 00:11:32,371 --> 00:11:35,811 in Hieronymus Bosch paintings. Here he is in hell. 210 00:11:39,171 --> 00:11:41,651 So this has been a busy week in politics. 211 00:11:41,651 --> 00:11:44,531 This week was the very first time that the Government has relocated 212 00:11:44,531 --> 00:11:46,451 a failed asylum seeker to a third country. 213 00:11:46,451 --> 00:11:48,131 According to The Telegraph... 214 00:11:50,051 --> 00:11:55,051 Ministers! That's good enough for me. 215 00:11:55,771 --> 00:11:57,931 And following the relocation of the first asylum seeker 216 00:11:57,931 --> 00:12:00,891 from the UK, a politician from Rwanda's opposition claimed 217 00:12:00,891 --> 00:12:02,811 that their government... 218 00:12:04,691 --> 00:12:09,611 Good news. Something else we've got in common. 219 00:12:09,611 --> 00:12:11,491 Humza Yousaf's disastrous fallout with the Green Party 220 00:12:11,491 --> 00:12:14,611 was described by The Telegraph as... 221 00:12:17,491 --> 00:12:21,651 To which Liz Truss responded, "Hold my pint." 222 00:12:21,651 --> 00:12:26,651 APPLAUSE 223 00:12:29,851 --> 00:12:32,851 Ian and Lyse, take a look at this. 224 00:12:32,851 --> 00:12:33,891 That's Columbia University. 225 00:12:33,891 --> 00:12:35,451 Tented encampments. 226 00:12:35,451 --> 00:12:38,851 The protests. 227 00:12:38,851 --> 00:12:43,091 The revolution will be catered. 228 00:12:43,091 --> 00:12:45,731 It's an extraordinary moment in the United States 229 00:12:45,731 --> 00:12:49,011 in student politics. 230 00:12:49,011 --> 00:12:53,251 People are talking about comparisons to the Vietnam War, 231 00:12:53,251 --> 00:12:55,891 where students became very politicised. 232 00:12:55,891 --> 00:12:58,531 But there are also Jewish groups on campus who are worried 233 00:12:58,531 --> 00:13:00,731 about their security. 234 00:13:00,731 --> 00:13:04,931 So, unlike the Vietnam War, there's different points of view. 235 00:13:04,931 --> 00:13:07,811 And it's quite astonishing, the way it's gone from New York 236 00:13:07,811 --> 00:13:09,251 to California, then to Utah, Texas. 237 00:13:09,251 --> 00:13:11,611 It's really spreading across the United States 238 00:13:11,611 --> 00:13:14,691 and will soon be coming to a university near you. 239 00:13:14,691 --> 00:13:17,091 Yeah, but the weather's not so good, is it? Yes. 240 00:13:17,091 --> 00:13:20,291 And it's all connected to the Gaza war. 241 00:13:20,291 --> 00:13:22,691 Student activists want companies to stop doing business with Israel 242 00:13:22,691 --> 00:13:25,171 and want their colleges, many with massive endowments, 243 00:13:25,171 --> 00:13:28,011 to stop investing in those companies. 244 00:13:28,011 --> 00:13:29,931 The Republicans are absolutely thrilled because they're all 245 00:13:29,931 --> 00:13:32,171 Democrat students protesting against their own President, 246 00:13:32,171 --> 00:13:37,171 which sort of makes Trump look logical. 247 00:13:39,131 --> 00:13:41,971 They were in the building for over 24 hours, at which point 248 00:13:41,971 --> 00:13:43,171 the police were called on. 249 00:13:43,171 --> 00:13:45,571 And here's a number of NYPD officers storming the building... 250 00:13:45,571 --> 00:13:49,451 ..quite slowly. 251 00:13:49,451 --> 00:13:51,131 Aggressive use of torches. 252 00:13:51,131 --> 00:13:55,651 CROWD CHANTING 253 00:13:55,651 --> 00:13:59,771 LAUGHTER 254 00:13:59,771 --> 00:14:02,211 How has Lord Cameron of Chipping Norton described the terms 255 00:14:02,211 --> 00:14:07,211 of a planned ceasefire agreement? 256 00:14:07,251 --> 00:14:08,811 He's described it as very generous. 257 00:14:08,811 --> 00:14:10,971 And in other words, Hamas should accept it now, 258 00:14:10,971 --> 00:14:15,651 release all the hostages and get aid into Gaza. 259 00:14:15,651 --> 00:14:17,091 And Netanyahu, who's been very helpful, 260 00:14:17,091 --> 00:14:19,851 defining what a ceasefire is, said that 261 00:14:19,851 --> 00:14:23,971 if there is a ceasefire, they'll still attack... 262 00:14:23,971 --> 00:14:26,771 ..southern Gaza. 263 00:14:26,771 --> 00:14:28,931 And I always thought, if there was a ceasefire, 264 00:14:28,931 --> 00:14:30,131 that meant you ceased firing. 265 00:14:30,131 --> 00:14:32,651 But I've misunderstood this. 266 00:14:32,651 --> 00:14:35,891 And Netanyahu's made it pretty clear. 267 00:14:35,891 --> 00:14:36,931 Temporary ceasefire. Temporary ceasefire. 268 00:14:36,931 --> 00:14:39,291 Truce. Truce. 269 00:14:39,291 --> 00:14:42,891 I'll tell you what I think we need now is a quick round up of 270 00:14:42,891 --> 00:14:44,571 good news stories from around the world. 271 00:14:44,571 --> 00:14:48,171 CHEERING 272 00:14:48,171 --> 00:14:50,691 Fingers on buzzers. Let's have a good news quiz. 273 00:14:50,691 --> 00:14:54,731 Excellent. 274 00:14:54,731 --> 00:14:55,971 Why have I got buttons? 275 00:14:55,971 --> 00:14:58,091 I don't know. Press them and see what happens. 276 00:14:58,091 --> 00:15:01,171 LOUD BUZZER PAUL SHRIEKS 277 00:15:01,171 --> 00:15:02,651 BUZZER 278 00:15:02,651 --> 00:15:03,691 God, this is extraordinary. 279 00:15:03,691 --> 00:15:07,491 It's like finding out Horizon had remote access to the Post Offices. 280 00:15:07,491 --> 00:15:12,491 APPLAUSE 281 00:15:12,931 --> 00:15:15,571 Japan Airlines has successfully reduced its carbon emissions. How? 282 00:15:15,571 --> 00:15:20,571 Grounding all planes. 283 00:15:20,811 --> 00:15:23,691 Making them run on nut oil. 284 00:15:23,691 --> 00:15:25,691 Chip fat. 285 00:15:25,691 --> 00:15:27,811 Don't call me Chip Fat. 286 00:15:27,811 --> 00:15:30,891 Didn't you once do an adaptation of Goodbye, Mr Chip Fat? 287 00:15:30,891 --> 00:15:35,891 Oh, yeah. It was a long time ago. Long time ago. 288 00:15:35,971 --> 00:15:38,411 They're renting clothes to travellers 289 00:15:38,411 --> 00:15:40,131 so they don't have to pack any, 290 00:15:40,131 --> 00:15:42,171 thus drastically reducing the weight of their luggage. 291 00:15:42,171 --> 00:15:44,571 You can rent up to eight outfits for two weeks 292 00:15:44,571 --> 00:15:47,411 and then return them. That's good news. Yeah. 293 00:15:47,411 --> 00:15:52,211 Not if you're the person that's going on the third week. Yeah! 294 00:15:52,211 --> 00:15:54,371 According to these trousers, it was a bumpy ride. 295 00:15:54,371 --> 00:15:58,931 MARTIN LAUGHS 296 00:15:58,931 --> 00:16:01,851 You made that bit up yourself! 297 00:16:01,851 --> 00:16:02,891 CHLOE LAUGHS 298 00:16:02,891 --> 00:16:05,051 And what's the good news linking daffodils and cows? 299 00:16:05,051 --> 00:16:06,331 Come on, Ian! 300 00:16:06,331 --> 00:16:10,571 Wordsworth! 301 00:16:10,571 --> 00:16:14,811 If you hold a daffodil under a cow's chin, does it make butter? 302 00:16:14,811 --> 00:16:16,451 No, that's a buttercup. 303 00:16:16,451 --> 00:16:19,571 You git! 304 00:16:19,571 --> 00:16:21,011 There's a chemical extracted from daffodils 305 00:16:21,011 --> 00:16:23,651 and then fed to cows that reduces the amount of methane 306 00:16:23,651 --> 00:16:26,691 burped out by a staggering 30%. 307 00:16:26,691 --> 00:16:28,851 The extract is called haeman... 308 00:16:28,851 --> 00:16:32,691 Haem... Anyway, it's really good news. 309 00:16:32,691 --> 00:16:37,691 APPLAUSE 310 00:16:40,411 --> 00:16:41,451 Yes. 311 00:16:41,451 --> 00:16:42,531 And finally... Yeah? Yes? 312 00:16:42,531 --> 00:16:45,611 ..in the Good News quiz, you are no longer allowed to do what 313 00:16:45,611 --> 00:16:46,811 with a balloon in Florida? 314 00:16:46,811 --> 00:16:48,091 AUDIENCE MEMBER LAUGHS 315 00:16:48,091 --> 00:16:51,171 Not that, Madam. 316 00:16:51,171 --> 00:16:52,451 Tie it to a deckchair. 317 00:16:52,451 --> 00:16:55,691 You are not allowed to deliberately release it. 318 00:16:55,691 --> 00:16:58,331 Good news, because ingesting even a small part of a balloon 319 00:16:58,331 --> 00:17:00,251 can kill sea birds or other marine life. 320 00:17:00,251 --> 00:17:04,171 So no more intentional balloon releasing in Florida. 321 00:17:04,171 --> 00:17:06,811 That's fantastic news at the end of the Good News quiz! 322 00:17:06,811 --> 00:17:11,771 APPLAUSE 323 00:17:11,771 --> 00:17:13,571 Whew! 324 00:17:13,571 --> 00:17:14,811 Staying in the United States, 325 00:17:14,811 --> 00:17:16,691 what might happen to Donald Trump this week? 326 00:17:16,691 --> 00:17:18,851 Well, he's on trial at the moment, isn't he? 327 00:17:18,851 --> 00:17:20,291 Keeps falling asleep during the trial. 328 00:17:20,291 --> 00:17:23,411 But that's because he's anti-woke. 329 00:17:23,411 --> 00:17:24,451 Ha! 330 00:17:24,451 --> 00:17:28,891 APPLAUSE 331 00:17:28,891 --> 00:17:30,571 He's trying to break the gagging order. 332 00:17:30,571 --> 00:17:33,131 Oh, the $9,000. 333 00:17:33,131 --> 00:17:34,571 Yes. He's done it nine times. 334 00:17:34,571 --> 00:17:36,851 Hmm. At the moment. 335 00:17:36,851 --> 00:17:38,771 There could be more... But after a point, 336 00:17:38,771 --> 00:17:39,971 you can actually incarcerate someone. 337 00:17:39,971 --> 00:17:41,771 That's what I'm... Yeah. 338 00:17:41,771 --> 00:17:43,211 So he might go to jail. 339 00:17:43,211 --> 00:17:44,931 But, apparently, they're trying all these tricks. 340 00:17:44,931 --> 00:17:46,851 President Trump is sitting there all by himself, 341 00:17:46,851 --> 00:17:48,771 so they got people to sit with him, 342 00:17:48,771 --> 00:17:50,931 and then they put a whole bunch of documents 343 00:17:50,931 --> 00:17:54,291 and they gave him a marker so that he could start marking the documents 344 00:17:54,291 --> 00:17:57,371 so that he looks like he's really, really paying attention. 345 00:17:57,371 --> 00:18:02,331 Yeah. Yeah. Some colouring in. Yeah. 346 00:18:03,531 --> 00:18:06,411 This is the latest front to open up in the Israel-Gaza conflict. 347 00:18:06,411 --> 00:18:09,931 Protesters occupied Hamilton Hall at Columbia University, 348 00:18:09,931 --> 00:18:11,891 which was symbolic as, according to the Times, 349 00:18:11,891 --> 00:18:15,171 the same thing happened there in 1968... 350 00:18:18,091 --> 00:18:21,211 The only difference being that, right now, Agent Orange 351 00:18:21,211 --> 00:18:24,691 is sat all day in a New York courthouse. 352 00:18:24,691 --> 00:18:29,691 APPLAUSE 353 00:18:29,931 --> 00:18:32,291 In recent weeks, staff have been concerned that Joe Biden's 354 00:18:32,291 --> 00:18:33,731 slow shuffling round the presidential garden 355 00:18:33,731 --> 00:18:35,651 is making him appear old and doddery. 356 00:18:35,651 --> 00:18:38,051 In fact, he looks so frail that Captain Tom's daughter 357 00:18:38,051 --> 00:18:41,171 has started building a spa on the White House lawn. 358 00:18:41,171 --> 00:18:45,731 APPLAUSE 359 00:18:45,731 --> 00:18:48,611 Lyse, it's a little-known fact about you that you used to play 360 00:18:48,611 --> 00:18:51,251 a certain winter sport to a very high level, didn't you? 361 00:18:51,251 --> 00:18:52,891 Curling. Curling. Hurling? Curling. 362 00:18:52,891 --> 00:18:55,531 Yeah. Well, it also brings us neatly to Round Two, 363 00:18:55,531 --> 00:18:58,931 which is the curling-o-meter of news. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. 364 00:18:58,931 --> 00:19:01,051 Fingers on buzzers. 365 00:19:01,051 --> 00:19:02,491 Here comes the first one. 366 00:19:02,491 --> 00:19:05,171 LYSE: Oh. 367 00:19:05,171 --> 00:19:10,051 APPLAUSE 368 00:19:10,051 --> 00:19:14,211 Keep going, keep going! 369 00:19:14,211 --> 00:19:17,251 Oh, this is the strange object, 370 00:19:17,251 --> 00:19:19,651 which is a Roman antiquity, which was recently dug up, 371 00:19:19,651 --> 00:19:21,331 but they don't know what it is. 372 00:19:21,331 --> 00:19:22,331 It's a dodecahedron. 373 00:19:22,331 --> 00:19:23,411 Oh, dodecahedron. Yeah. Yeah. 374 00:19:23,411 --> 00:19:25,331 It's a curling puck before they got good. 375 00:19:25,331 --> 00:19:27,691 It means it's got 12 sides. Yes. 376 00:19:27,691 --> 00:19:30,971 And 33 of these dodecahedrons have been found in the UK, 377 00:19:30,971 --> 00:19:34,051 but this is one of the largest at 8cm, 378 00:19:34,051 --> 00:19:36,931 discovered by a member of a local history society in the village 379 00:19:36,931 --> 00:19:39,771 of Norton Disney near Lincoln. 380 00:19:39,771 --> 00:19:44,771 It's like Euro Disney, but less shit. 381 00:19:45,251 --> 00:19:47,651 The head of the Norton Disney History and Archaeology Group, 382 00:19:47,651 --> 00:19:48,771 Richard Parker, 383 00:19:48,771 --> 00:19:50,731 Nosey to his friends, 384 00:19:50,731 --> 00:19:54,091 he told the BBC that it was for... 385 00:19:59,011 --> 00:20:01,171 In other ancient news, what was discovered this week 386 00:20:01,171 --> 00:20:04,291 that revealed Plato's last words? 387 00:20:04,291 --> 00:20:06,251 It was a scroll in Pompeii. 388 00:20:06,251 --> 00:20:08,891 This is the sort of topical news quiz I like. Yeah. 389 00:20:08,891 --> 00:20:11,851 And there are a lot of burnt manuscripts, 390 00:20:11,851 --> 00:20:15,971 but they've developed a new sort of laser-reading technique 391 00:20:15,971 --> 00:20:18,811 and they can tell what's on the scrolls. Ah. 392 00:20:18,811 --> 00:20:20,091 It's got Plato's last words, 393 00:20:20,091 --> 00:20:23,371 in which he's complaining about someone playing the flute. 394 00:20:23,371 --> 00:20:25,971 So you think, "Gosh, I wonder if Plato had something 395 00:20:25,971 --> 00:20:27,651 "really profound to say before he died," 396 00:20:27,651 --> 00:20:31,611 and it was, "That girl's useless at the flute." 397 00:20:31,611 --> 00:20:34,691 Does anyone recall the singer and actor Adam Faith's 398 00:20:34,691 --> 00:20:38,331 poignant last words? Yes. 399 00:20:38,331 --> 00:20:42,091 Yes. He said, "There's a lot of shit on Channel 5, isn't there?" 400 00:20:42,091 --> 00:20:47,091 APPLAUSE 401 00:20:47,571 --> 00:20:49,891 But... 402 00:20:49,891 --> 00:20:51,331 ..I think you'll find that output 403 00:20:51,331 --> 00:20:53,731 has improved considerably since then. 404 00:20:53,731 --> 00:20:55,891 So this is the news that a dodecahedron discovered 405 00:20:55,891 --> 00:20:58,211 near Lincoln is confusing Roman scholars. 406 00:20:58,211 --> 00:21:00,891 If you're unsure what possible purpose it could serve, 407 00:21:00,891 --> 00:21:05,131 Lincoln is an administrative centre in the north of England. 408 00:21:05,131 --> 00:21:07,851 The artefact was found in the village of Norton Disney, 409 00:21:07,851 --> 00:21:10,971 although, if you missed the story, you can always catch up with it 410 00:21:10,971 --> 00:21:15,251 on the local news channel, Norton Disney +1. 411 00:21:15,251 --> 00:21:18,611 According to a newly unearthed papyrus scroll from Herculaneum... 412 00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:19,771 So it's quite possible that he killed himself. 413 00:21:31,051 --> 00:21:36,051 Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here we go. 414 00:21:38,531 --> 00:21:41,411 Keep going. Keep going! 415 00:21:41,411 --> 00:21:44,171 Keep going. 416 00:21:44,171 --> 00:21:45,731 Oh, well done. 417 00:21:45,731 --> 00:21:47,171 That was a tough one. 418 00:21:47,171 --> 00:21:49,811 This is the new stadium in Manchester, the Co-op Live stadium, 419 00:21:49,811 --> 00:21:52,411 as it's usefully labelled on the outside, 420 00:21:52,411 --> 00:21:54,331 which has still not managed to open properly. 421 00:21:54,331 --> 00:21:56,211 They've sort of had to cancel many shows. 422 00:21:56,211 --> 00:21:57,651 They were about to open up. 423 00:21:57,651 --> 00:22:00,331 Some people started coming in and a piece of air conditioning 424 00:22:00,331 --> 00:22:02,251 fell out of the ceiling onto the floor, 425 00:22:02,251 --> 00:22:03,891 and so everybody had to go home. 426 00:22:03,891 --> 00:22:05,171 This is 25,000 people capacity, 427 00:22:05,171 --> 00:22:07,571 but only six people have been let in so far. 428 00:22:07,571 --> 00:22:09,731 And they went in to fix the air conditioning. 429 00:22:09,731 --> 00:22:12,851 Yes. 430 00:22:12,851 --> 00:22:14,571 Whose performance became the latest casualty 431 00:22:14,571 --> 00:22:17,571 of the arena's technical problems? 432 00:22:17,571 --> 00:22:20,411 A Boogie With A Hoodie? 433 00:22:20,411 --> 00:22:22,691 Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. 434 00:22:22,691 --> 00:22:27,691 APPLAUSE 435 00:22:28,971 --> 00:22:31,691 And here's the Today programme on Radio 4 naming him. 436 00:22:31,691 --> 00:22:33,851 The new Co-op Live Arena in Manchester has apologised 437 00:22:33,851 --> 00:22:35,771 after postponing its opening for the third time. 438 00:22:35,771 --> 00:22:38,171 The announcement was made last night as people were queuing 439 00:22:38,171 --> 00:22:40,491 outside to see the American rapper 440 00:22:40,491 --> 00:22:44,571 A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie. 441 00:22:44,571 --> 00:22:48,011 They confirmed there was a problem during the sound check 442 00:22:48,011 --> 00:22:53,011 when people listening could understand every word he was saying. 443 00:22:54,291 --> 00:22:56,931 According to the Mail, cancelled acts at the Co-op Live Arena 444 00:22:56,931 --> 00:22:59,051 included Peter Kay and Olivia Rodrigo, 445 00:22:59,051 --> 00:23:01,491 and if that wasn't bad enough... 446 00:23:04,851 --> 00:23:06,771 After a concert by American rapper 447 00:23:06,771 --> 00:23:11,771 A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie was cancelled... 448 00:23:14,851 --> 00:23:17,171 I went a bit Scottish there, didn't I? 449 00:23:17,171 --> 00:23:19,131 SCOTTISH ACCENT: A Boogie With A Hoodie. 450 00:23:19,131 --> 00:23:21,491 I think just say it with your normal voice. Yeah. 451 00:23:21,491 --> 00:23:23,211 I thought I was. 452 00:23:23,211 --> 00:23:24,571 A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie. 453 00:23:24,571 --> 00:23:27,491 A Boogie... Oh, no, it is hard. Yeah. Yeah. 454 00:23:27,491 --> 00:23:29,691 A Boogie With A Hoodie. 455 00:23:29,691 --> 00:23:31,411 No, no, "Da Hoodie". 456 00:23:31,411 --> 00:23:32,851 After a concert by American rapper 457 00:23:32,851 --> 00:23:37,851 A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie was cancelled... 458 00:23:41,171 --> 00:23:43,611 ..footage showed a digger and a dumper outside the venue. 459 00:23:43,611 --> 00:23:45,291 He's a bit early. 460 00:23:45,291 --> 00:23:49,691 A Digger And A Dumper's concert's next week. 461 00:23:49,691 --> 00:23:53,051 Other stars set to play at the venue include Take That and Eric Clapton. 462 00:23:53,051 --> 00:23:54,971 The Village People say they've also been approached 463 00:23:54,971 --> 00:23:56,411 as long as they bring along 464 00:23:56,411 --> 00:24:01,411 the bloke with the hard hat and the toolbelt. 465 00:24:02,731 --> 00:24:04,611 Just time now for the Missing Words Round, 466 00:24:04,611 --> 00:24:06,571 which this week features as its guest publication 467 00:24:06,571 --> 00:24:09,371 Guinea Pig Magazine. 468 00:24:09,371 --> 00:24:14,371 Or, as it's known in Peru, the menu. 469 00:24:14,931 --> 00:24:17,291 And we start with... 470 00:24:19,891 --> 00:24:23,371 It starts making faces behind your back. LYSE: Yeah. 471 00:24:23,371 --> 00:24:28,371 CHLOE: It's loading the dishwasher more loudly than usual. 472 00:24:29,971 --> 00:24:30,851 Yep. This is from a full-length article in Guinea Pig Magazine 473 00:24:33,331 --> 00:24:35,971 Yep. This is from a full-length article in Guinea Pig Magazine 474 00:24:35,971 --> 00:24:40,971 all about how to keep your favourite fluffy pet 475 00:24:41,211 --> 00:24:42,731 feeling relaxed and happy. 476 00:24:42,731 --> 00:24:44,171 Now, that, Lyse, that's proper journalism. 477 00:24:44,171 --> 00:24:47,051 Next. 478 00:24:50,811 --> 00:24:52,491 She was one of the first, actually, 479 00:24:52,491 --> 00:24:55,131 to do a live television broadcast when she was in Canada. 480 00:24:55,131 --> 00:24:56,171 What, Queen Elizabeth I?! 481 00:24:56,171 --> 00:24:57,211 Oh, sorry... 482 00:24:57,211 --> 00:24:58,251 No, no, no! 483 00:24:58,251 --> 00:25:02,771 Wrong Queen Elizabeth! 484 00:25:02,771 --> 00:25:05,891 Queen Elizabeth was one of the first people to own a guinea pig. 485 00:25:05,891 --> 00:25:06,931 Yes! Come on! 486 00:25:06,931 --> 00:25:10,531 Oh, bravo! 487 00:25:10,531 --> 00:25:14,051 Next. 488 00:25:14,051 --> 00:25:16,731 Two half-dolphins. 489 00:25:16,731 --> 00:25:21,251 CHLOE: False eyelash. 490 00:25:21,251 --> 00:25:22,651 It's a catfish. 491 00:25:22,651 --> 00:25:24,091 LYSE: Oh. Let's have a look. 492 00:25:24,091 --> 00:25:26,331 LYSE: Wow. 493 00:25:26,331 --> 00:25:29,811 That might just be a little bloke. 494 00:25:29,811 --> 00:25:33,051 That's going to make the best Tinder profile picture that anyone has had. 495 00:25:33,051 --> 00:25:35,371 OK, next. 496 00:25:35,371 --> 00:25:40,371 You can re-experience the thrill of the Liz Truss government... 497 00:25:42,291 --> 00:25:45,571 APPLAUSE 498 00:25:45,571 --> 00:25:49,531 ..with just two toilet rolls. 499 00:25:49,531 --> 00:25:52,611 You can create an adventure playground for your guinea pig. 500 00:25:52,611 --> 00:25:53,851 An exercise park. 501 00:25:53,851 --> 00:25:55,451 I'm close, aren't I? 502 00:25:55,451 --> 00:25:56,891 You're very close. Go on, then. 503 00:25:56,891 --> 00:26:00,011 And if it turns out that they were the last two toilet rolls, 504 00:26:00,011 --> 00:26:05,011 you'll just have to use the guinea pig. 505 00:26:07,531 --> 00:26:09,491 Finally... 506 00:26:09,491 --> 00:26:14,491 Launching missile attack on Women's Institute. 507 00:26:14,771 --> 00:26:19,171 Misunderstanding the purpose of a needle exchange. Yes. 508 00:26:19,171 --> 00:26:23,651 APPLAUSE 509 00:26:23,651 --> 00:26:25,051 Oh. CHLOE: Ooh! 510 00:26:25,051 --> 00:26:27,451 The knitting club in Shepton Mallet in Somerset received complaints 511 00:26:27,451 --> 00:26:32,451 about their display of naked figures and were forced to cover them up. 512 00:26:35,131 --> 00:26:40,131 That really is Village People. 513 00:26:44,891 --> 00:26:47,251 The policeman on his left has got his genitals exposed, 514 00:26:47,251 --> 00:26:50,251 so he's presumably from the Met. 515 00:26:50,251 --> 00:26:55,251 The bloke next to him is obviously a Tory MP. 516 00:26:57,211 --> 00:26:58,651 So the final scores are - 517 00:26:58,651 --> 00:27:01,851 Ian and Lyse have 4, 518 00:27:01,851 --> 00:27:03,851 Paul and Chloe have a massive 6. Ohh! 519 00:27:03,851 --> 00:27:05,771 Well done. 520 00:27:05,771 --> 00:27:08,851 But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition. 521 00:27:08,851 --> 00:27:13,851 Ian and Lyse have this. 522 00:27:13,851 --> 00:27:18,051 Oh, you don't look anything like your profile picture. 523 00:27:18,051 --> 00:27:20,771 And Paul and Chloe, you have this. 524 00:27:20,771 --> 00:27:25,051 Passenger complains of long wait between buses. 525 00:27:25,051 --> 00:27:30,051 And why is it being sponsored by an Irish rock band? 526 00:27:30,211 --> 00:27:33,051 U2. U2. 527 00:27:33,051 --> 00:27:34,571 In case people are thinking, 528 00:27:34,571 --> 00:27:39,131 "I can't think of an Irish rock band called Uxbridge." 529 00:27:39,131 --> 00:27:41,851 On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, 530 00:27:41,851 --> 00:27:45,051 Ian Hislop and Lyse Doucet, Paul Merton and Chloe Petts. 531 00:27:45,051 --> 00:27:47,211 And I leave you with news that, in Islington, 532 00:27:47,211 --> 00:27:49,491 a middle-aged man is disappointed that the one day 533 00:27:49,491 --> 00:27:51,851 he's ready to play five-a-side football, everybody else cancels. 534 00:27:56,091 --> 00:27:58,251 In Reading, a man arrested for selling stolen watches 535 00:27:58,251 --> 00:27:59,691 in the big Tesco car park 536 00:27:59,691 --> 00:28:04,451 says he regrets using a reversible coat. 537 00:28:06,251 --> 00:28:09,691 And at a photo op in Norwich, Rishi Sunak tries hard 538 00:28:09,691 --> 00:28:11,371 to conceal the fact that there's been 539 00:28:11,371 --> 00:28:16,371 a terrible accident with a clamp. 540 00:28:21,091 --> 00:28:22,091 Goodnight. 541 00:28:22,091 --> 00:28:27,091 APPLAUSE