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<font color="#00ffff">My confidence is in</font>
<font color="#00ffff">need of boosting.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">There was a question on a recent</font>
<font color="#00ffff">Tipping Point on ITV.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">The question was, who's the</font>
<font color="#00ffff">long-standing editor of Private Eye?</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">And the contestant said Ian Himmler.</font>

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00:00:20,450 --> 00:00:21,810
<font color="#ffff00">My name is Chloe Petts.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">I am in need of confidence</font>
<font color="#ffff00">because I recently went on a TV quiz</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">and called Ian Hislop</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Ian Himmler.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">I was recently watching an episode</font>
<font color="#00ff00">of Tipping Point...</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">..and they asked the question,</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">who is the other team</font>
<font color="#00ff00">captain other than Ian Himmler?</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">And somebody said, Paul Hitler.</font>

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This programme contains
some strong language

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening. Welcome to

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I'm Martin Clunes.

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In the news this week - in Essex,
a traumatised customer decides

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to express himself creatively
to deal with his experiences

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of the Virgin Media Helpline.

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On a visit to
Battersea Dogs and Cats Home,

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there's an unfortunate mix up

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with the used and unused
cat litter tubs.

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And on a Labour Party awayday,
Rachel Reeves wins a game

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And on a Labour Party awayday,
Rachel Reeves wins a game

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of political Stars In Their Eyes
with a very good impression

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of Ed Miliband.

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On Ian's team tonight is the BBC's
chief international correspondent,

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who often has to pull out of
engagements at the last minute

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in order to report on
global conflicts.

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So it's a good job

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the world is such a peaceful
and happy place at the moment.

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Please welcome Lyse Doucet.

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On Paul's team tonight is a comedian

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and Crystal Palace
season ticket holder

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who says she likes letting out
her anger at football matches,

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being part of a crowd of furious men
shouting abuse at the players.

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So pretty much the same reason
Ian goes to Millwall.

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Please welcome Chloe Petts.

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We begin with the bigger
news stories of the week.

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Paul and Chloe, have a look at this.

40
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<font color="#00ff00">Mayoral elections and</font>
<font color="#00ff00">local elections are happening.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">First person being sent to Rwanda.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Yousaf channelling his inner</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Michael Owen,</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">playing a 13-year-old there.</font> <font color="#00ff00">Yeah.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">That's probably just something...</font>
<font color="#00ff00">I don't know what that is.</font>

45
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<font color="#00ff00">So is that the right answer?</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">I think the woman's holding up</font>
<font color="#00ffff">a list of the candidates,</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">just to show the punters</font>
<font color="#00ffff">that they really are this bad.</font>

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With disaster looming, what do some
Tories think would be a good idea?

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<font color="#00ff00">Change in leadership? Yes.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">Bring in Penny. Penny Mordaunt.</font>

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Yes. A lot of talk about
Penny Mordaunt.

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How do we know that
she might be interested, though?

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<font color="#ffff00">Have they got a new lettuce out?</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Just a sort of pre-emptive one.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">I think, I personally think we</font>
<font color="#ffff00">should have a constant lettuce going</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">rather than getting them in</font>
<font color="#ffff00">for the new leaders.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">And ironically, Constant Lettuce</font>
<font color="#ffff00">sounds like the name of a Tory MP.</font>

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According to a source
in The Telegraph...

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And if there's an operation
supporting Penny,

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what else must there be?

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What was the unpleasant surprise
for Rishi Sunak last week?

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<font color="#00ffff">He found out he was still</font>
<font color="#00ffff">Prime Minister.</font>

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A defection?

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ALL:<font color="#ffff00">Oh!!</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">Yes, defection.</font>

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It was in the news and everything.

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<font color="#00ff00">Yes, it was...</font> Yeah.

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<font color="#00ff00">Tory MP defected to Labour.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">He was a doctor and he was</font>
<font color="#00ff00">scandalised</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">by the Conservatives' lack of</font>
<font color="#00ff00">concern and investment into the NHS.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">Yeah.</font> That's right, yeah.<font color="#00ff00">Yeah.</font>

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When Labour talked him round
he said...

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Yep, he fell for it.

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<font color="#00ffff">I love the idea that he said,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">"This government just really hasn't</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">"tackled any of these issues."</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">And we thought, "You've been in it."</font>

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Rishi Sunak's not giving up.

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He's got his crack social media team
to work.

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Do you know what they've been doing?

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<font color="#00ffff">They put out a video to explain</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">the National Insurance bonus</font>
<font color="#00ffff">to us all.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">We're all going to get 900 quid.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">So they put out a video. Have we</font>
<font color="#00ffff">got it?</font> Shall we have a look?

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We've got it, yeah. Oh, boy, yeah.

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<font color="#ffff00">What?</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">It's a lot to pay for a cup</font>
<font color="#00ff00">of coffee, though.</font>

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This is what's known as a TikTok
trend where people put milk

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into cups of coffee that have
messages written on them.

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No wonder the Russians hate us.

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But what's the really good news

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as far as Rishi Sunak's concerned?

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<font color="#00ffff">The first immigrant has been flown</font>
<font color="#00ffff">to Rwanda, and just before...</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Volunteered. Volunteered.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">Volunteered to go?</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Yes.</font> Paid.<font color="#ffff00">£3,000.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">Yes.</font> I don't think
that's volunteering.

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<font color="#00ffff">I think he's getting expenses.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">So, what? That's just for</font>
<font color="#ffff00">the first month.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">Yeah. And then he has to do Airbnb.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">I can just see a wave of</font>
<font color="#ffff00">18-year-olds pretending to be</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">failed asylum seekers,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">so they get paid £3,000</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">to go on a gap year to Rwanda.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">I would have taken a Jagerbomb</font>
<font color="#ffff00">to go on a gap year to Rwanda!</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">Everyone's meant to be very, very</font>
<font color="#00ffff">excited because we've got</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">one person to go to Rwanda.</font>

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Have you ever been to Rwanda, Lyse?

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<font color="#ffff00">I haven't, but it's actually</font>
<font color="#ffff00">a very beautiful country.</font>

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Is it?<font color="#ffff00">Yeah.</font> <font color="#00ffff">Is it safe?</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Well, Britain has decided</font>
<font color="#ffff00">it's safe, so I guess it must be.</font>

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It's why they didn't send you.

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<font color="#ffff00">Well...</font> Do you turn up at countries
and people in the airport go,

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"Oh, shit. It's Lyse Doucet!"?

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"Incoming!"

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<font color="#ffff00">Actually, did you see how people</font>
<font color="#ffff00">in the audience started</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">leaving when I showed up?</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">I haven't been to Rwanda,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">but I have been to Swindon and...</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">Yes.</font>

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Was that three grand as well?

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<font color="#ffff00">But I just think, tell the asylum</font>
<font color="#ffff00">seekers that they'll be going there</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">and that's enough of a deterrent.</font>
LYSE: Yes.

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<font color="#00ffff">I mean, the ones who have come in</font>
<font color="#00ffff">are now going off to Ireland</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">because we've got this porous border</font>
<font color="#00ffff">which everyone insisted on.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">3,500 have gone across the border.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">So if I had £1 for every one</font>
<font color="#ffff00">that crossed the border,</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">then I could send someone to Rwanda.</font>

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It's working!

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And staying with abroad,

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what's happening in Scotland?

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<font color="#00ff00">The First Minister has resigned.</font>

129
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<font color="#00ff00">He's had to resign</font>
<font color="#00ff00">because he annoyed the Greens</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">and then he didn't realise</font>
<font color="#00ff00">how annoyed the Greens were</font>

131
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<font color="#00ff00">and he said,</font>
<font color="#00ff00">"Well, I didn't mean it."</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">And they said, "You did,"</font>
<font color="#00ff00">and so he had to leave.</font>

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Yeah.<font color="#00ff00">That's the latest</font>
<font color="#00ff00">political analysis from me.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">And it's the leader of a country</font>
<font color="#00ffff">has had to resign</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">because he's useless. I mean, that's</font>
<font color="#00ffff">not going to be a good precedent.</font>

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Terrible trend.

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It is as complicated as Paul said.

138
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The BBC immediately sent Chris Mason
up to Edinburgh to explain

139
00:07:58,450 --> 00:08:01,290
what's going on, but he seemed
more interested in just sort of

140
00:08:01,330 --> 00:08:04,410
popping in and out of the shot
like a cheeky little news goblin.

141
00:08:04,450 --> 00:08:07,410
Have a look at this.

142
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<font color="#ffff00">And that is why its political rivals</font>
<font color="#ffff00">are seizing this moment.</font>

143
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<font color="#ffff00">Ah, yes, the general election.</font>

144
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<font color="#ffff00">This would be a sticky moment</font>
<font color="#ffff00">at any time,</font>

145
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<font color="#ffff00">and its consequences will be felt</font>
<font color="#ffff00">here in Scotland and beyond.</font>

146
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And we wish that producer
all the best in his next job.

147
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So who is going to take over and
shepherd the...?<font color="#00ff00">John Sweeney.</font>

148
00:08:36,970 --> 00:08:39,570
<font color="#00ffff">Is it Swinney or Sweeney?</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Swinney.</font>

149
00:08:39,610 --> 00:08:41,050
Swinney.<font color="#00ff00">Swinney. Oh, Swinney.</font>

150
00:08:41,090 --> 00:08:43,650
<font color="#00ffff">It could be John Swinney.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Are we sure?</font>

151
00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:46,770
<font color="#00ffff">Well, they have to find someone in</font>
<font color="#00ffff">the SNP who hasn't been arrested.</font>

152
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<font color="#00ffff">So that really reduces</font>
<font color="#00ffff">the number of candidates.</font>

153
00:08:53,930 --> 00:08:55,730
Yes.
<font color="#00ffff">It could be Kate Forbes.</font>

154
00:08:55,770 --> 00:08:58,890
<font color="#00ffff">She hasn't been arrested.</font> No,
but she's pulled out of the race.

155
00:08:58,930 --> 00:09:00,330
<font color="#00ff00">Yes.</font> <font color="#00ffff">She pulled out?</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Yes.</font> Yes.

156
00:09:00,370 --> 00:09:03,410
She takes a hardline view
on sexuality and is...

157
00:09:04,730 --> 00:09:06,970
I think we know
what their position is.

158
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APPLAUSE

159
00:09:13,370 --> 00:09:14,890
Oh!

160
00:09:14,930 --> 00:09:16,290
Oh, yes.

161
00:09:16,330 --> 00:09:18,930
<font color="#00ffff">I thought you were going to do</font>
<font color="#00ffff">the pulled out joke.</font>

162
00:09:18,970 --> 00:09:21,330
Well, it was there.
I just backed away from it.

163
00:09:21,370 --> 00:09:24,490
Anyway, it's...

164
00:09:24,530 --> 00:09:27,610
It's a shame for Humza Yousaf
because it all started out so well.

165
00:09:27,650 --> 00:09:30,210
<font color="#ffff00">Oh.</font>

166
00:09:34,690 --> 00:09:37,810
<font color="#ffff00">Oh.</font>

167
00:09:37,850 --> 00:09:40,450
Yeah.<font color="#ffff00">I think it was quite</font>
<font color="#ffff00">refreshing that he did something</font>

168
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<font color="#ffff00">that he considered to be wrong</font>
<font color="#ffff00">and regrets</font>

169
00:09:42,410 --> 00:09:45,250
<font color="#ffff00">and then stood down graciously.</font>

170
00:09:45,290 --> 00:09:46,930
<font color="#00ffff">So you like the way he left?</font>

171
00:09:46,970 --> 00:09:50,050
<font color="#ffff00">Yeah, I love the way he left.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">It was with grace and dignity,</font>

172
00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:52,210
<font color="#ffff00">and we haven't</font>
<font color="#ffff00">had that for a long time.</font>

173
00:09:52,250 --> 00:09:55,570
<font color="#ffff00">And I like the way that he sort of</font>
<font color="#ffff00">looked over at his family</font>

174
00:09:55,610 --> 00:09:57,010
<font color="#ffff00">and thanked them as he cried.</font>

175
00:09:57,050 --> 00:09:59,410
<font color="#ffff00">And obviously, Johnson wouldn't have</font>
<font color="#ffff00">been able to do that</font>

176
00:09:59,450 --> 00:10:02,730
<font color="#ffff00">cos there wouldn't have been a</font>
<font color="#ffff00">room big enough in Westminster.</font>

177
00:10:02,770 --> 00:10:04,410
On the subject of grace and dignity,

178
00:10:04,450 --> 00:10:07,690
how's Liz Truss's book doing?

179
00:10:07,730 --> 00:10:12,690
<font color="#00ffff">Better than we hoped.</font>

180
00:10:13,290 --> 00:10:16,890
Yep. It's at number 70 in the
bestseller list.

181
00:10:16,930 --> 00:10:19,810
It sold 2,000 in its first week.

182
00:10:19,850 --> 00:10:23,410
Can you name any of the 69 books
ahead of it in the bestseller list?

183
00:10:23,450 --> 00:10:25,730
<font color="#00ffff">Is it the Air Fryer book?</font> It is!

184
00:10:28,410 --> 00:10:30,810
And...

185
00:10:34,330 --> 00:10:37,410
<font color="#ffff00">That only happened because Ian</font>
<font color="#ffff00">admitted on Have I Got News For You</font>

186
00:10:37,450 --> 00:10:40,890
<font color="#ffff00">that he had the book and he read it.</font>

187
00:10:40,930 --> 00:10:42,330
<font color="#00ffff">Oh, so it's my fault?!</font> <font color="#ffff00">Yeah.</font>

188
00:10:42,370 --> 00:10:46,050
<font color="#ffff00">#justsaying.</font>

189
00:10:46,090 --> 00:10:47,970
What's Boris Johnson been up to
this week?

190
00:10:48,010 --> 00:10:49,690
<font color="#00ff00">Who cares?</font>

191
00:10:49,730 --> 00:10:51,290
APPLAUSE

192
00:10:51,330 --> 00:10:53,450
<font color="#00ff00">Oh, he's been...</font>
<font color="#00ff00">Thank you very much. Thank you.</font>

193
00:10:53,490 --> 00:10:58,450
<font color="#00ff00">Thank you. Thank you very much.</font>
<font color="#00ff00">Thank you.</font>

194
00:10:59,810 --> 00:11:00,810
Boris and Carrie,

195
00:11:00,850 --> 00:11:02,250
they celebrated their son's
four...firth birthday.

196
00:11:02,290 --> 00:11:03,890
<font color="#00ff00">Which birthday?</font>
Four...

197
00:11:03,930 --> 00:11:06,690
<font color="#00ff00">His son's 44?!</font>
<font color="#00ff00">How did he manage that?</font>

198
00:11:06,730 --> 00:11:08,610
Well, his oldest is, must be.

199
00:11:08,650 --> 00:11:11,490
No, it was his son's - him and
Carrie's son's fourth birthday.

200
00:11:11,530 --> 00:11:13,410
All sorts of entertainment on offer,
including someone

201
00:11:13,450 --> 00:11:15,570
who spent the whole afternoon
trying to amuse people

202
00:11:15,610 --> 00:11:17,010
in a foam rubber dinosaur costume.

203
00:11:17,050 --> 00:11:17,210
They all said it was nice
of Nadine to help out.

204
00:11:19,050 --> 00:11:22,930
They all said it was nice
of Nadine to help out.

205
00:11:22,970 --> 00:11:25,570
So would you like to see the
disgraced former Prime Minister

206
00:11:25,610 --> 00:11:28,850
Boris Johnson in hell?

207
00:11:28,890 --> 00:11:29,890
<font color="#ffff00">Yes.</font> AUDIENCE:<font color="#00ffff">Yes!</font>

208
00:11:29,930 --> 00:11:32,530
Someone on Twitter has been finding
a depiction of Boris Johnson

209
00:11:32,570 --> 00:11:35,970
in Hieronymus Bosch paintings.
Here he is in hell.

210
00:11:39,370 --> 00:11:41,810
So this has been a busy week
in politics.

211
00:11:41,850 --> 00:11:44,690
This week was the very first time
that the Government has relocated

212
00:11:44,730 --> 00:11:46,610
a failed asylum seeker to
a third country.

213
00:11:46,650 --> 00:11:48,290
According to The Telegraph...

214
00:11:50,250 --> 00:11:55,210
Ministers! That's good enough
for me.

215
00:11:55,970 --> 00:11:58,090
And following the relocation
of the first asylum seeker

216
00:11:58,130 --> 00:12:01,050
from the UK, a politician
from Rwanda's opposition claimed

217
00:12:01,090 --> 00:12:02,970
that their government...

218
00:12:04,890 --> 00:12:09,770
Good news.
Something else we've got in common.

219
00:12:09,810 --> 00:12:11,650
Humza Yousaf's disastrous fallout
with the Green Party

220
00:12:11,690 --> 00:12:14,770
was described
by The Telegraph as...

221
00:12:17,690 --> 00:12:21,810
To which Liz Truss responded,
"Hold my pint."

222
00:12:21,850 --> 00:12:26,810
APPLAUSE

223
00:12:30,050 --> 00:12:33,010
Ian and Lyse, take a look at this.

224
00:12:33,050 --> 00:12:34,050
<font color="#ffff00">That's Columbia University.</font>

225
00:12:34,090 --> 00:12:35,610
<font color="#ffff00">Tented encampments.</font>

226
00:12:35,650 --> 00:12:39,010
<font color="#ffff00">The protests.</font>

227
00:12:39,050 --> 00:12:43,250
<font color="#ffff00">The revolution will be catered.</font>

228
00:12:43,290 --> 00:12:45,890
<font color="#ffff00">It's an extraordinary moment</font>
<font color="#ffff00">in the United States</font>

229
00:12:45,930 --> 00:12:49,170
<font color="#ffff00">in student politics.</font>

230
00:12:49,210 --> 00:12:53,410
<font color="#ffff00">People are talking about</font>
<font color="#ffff00">comparisons to the Vietnam War,</font>

231
00:12:53,450 --> 00:12:56,050
<font color="#ffff00">where students became</font>
<font color="#ffff00">very politicised.</font>

232
00:12:56,090 --> 00:12:58,690
<font color="#ffff00">But there are also Jewish groups</font>
<font color="#ffff00">on campus who are worried</font>

233
00:12:58,730 --> 00:13:00,890
<font color="#ffff00">about their security.</font>

234
00:13:00,930 --> 00:13:05,090
<font color="#ffff00">So, unlike the Vietnam War,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">there's different points of view.</font>

235
00:13:05,130 --> 00:13:07,970
<font color="#ffff00">And it's quite astonishing,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">the way it's gone from New York</font>

236
00:13:08,010 --> 00:13:09,410
<font color="#ffff00">to California, then to Utah, Texas.</font>

237
00:13:09,450 --> 00:13:11,770
<font color="#ffff00">It's really spreading across</font>
<font color="#ffff00">the United States</font>

238
00:13:11,810 --> 00:13:14,850
<font color="#ffff00">and will soon be coming</font>
<font color="#ffff00">to a university near you.</font>

239
00:13:14,890 --> 00:13:17,250
<font color="#00ffff">Yeah, but the weather's</font>
<font color="#00ffff">not so good, is it?</font> <font color="#ffff00">Yes.</font>

240
00:13:17,290 --> 00:13:20,450
<font color="#ffff00">And it's all connected</font>
<font color="#ffff00">to the Gaza war.</font>

241
00:13:20,490 --> 00:13:22,850
Student activists want companies
to stop doing business with Israel

242
00:13:22,890 --> 00:13:25,330
and want their colleges, many
with massive endowments,

243
00:13:25,370 --> 00:13:28,170
to stop investing
in those companies.

244
00:13:28,210 --> 00:13:30,090
<font color="#00ffff">The Republicans are absolutely</font>
<font color="#00ffff">thrilled because they're all</font>

245
00:13:30,130 --> 00:13:32,330
<font color="#00ffff">Democrat students protesting</font>
<font color="#00ffff">against their own President,</font>

246
00:13:32,370 --> 00:13:37,330
<font color="#00ffff">which sort of makes Trump</font>
<font color="#00ffff">look logical.</font>

247
00:13:39,330 --> 00:13:42,130
They were in the building for
over 24 hours, at which point

248
00:13:42,170 --> 00:13:43,330
the police were called on.

249
00:13:43,370 --> 00:13:45,730
And here's a number of NYPD officers
storming the building...

250
00:13:45,770 --> 00:13:49,610
..quite slowly.

251
00:13:49,650 --> 00:13:51,290
Aggressive use of torches.

252
00:13:51,330 --> 00:13:55,810
CROWD CHANTING

253
00:13:55,850 --> 00:13:59,930
LAUGHTER

254
00:13:59,970 --> 00:14:02,370
How has Lord Cameron of
Chipping Norton described the terms

255
00:14:02,410 --> 00:14:07,370
of a planned ceasefire agreement?

256
00:14:07,450 --> 00:14:08,970
<font color="#ffff00">He's described it as very generous.</font>

257
00:14:09,010 --> 00:14:11,130
<font color="#ffff00">And in other words,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Hamas should accept it now,</font>

258
00:14:11,170 --> 00:14:15,810
<font color="#ffff00">release all the hostages</font>
<font color="#ffff00">and get aid into Gaza.</font>

259
00:14:15,850 --> 00:14:17,250
<font color="#00ffff">And Netanyahu, who's been</font>
<font color="#00ffff">very helpful,</font>

260
00:14:17,290 --> 00:14:20,010
<font color="#00ffff">defining what a ceasefire is,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">said that</font>

261
00:14:20,050 --> 00:14:24,130
<font color="#00ffff">if there is a ceasefire,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">they'll still attack...</font>

262
00:14:24,170 --> 00:14:26,930
<font color="#00ffff">..southern Gaza.</font>

263
00:14:26,970 --> 00:14:29,090
<font color="#00ffff">And I always thought,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">if there was a ceasefire,</font>

264
00:14:29,130 --> 00:14:30,290
<font color="#00ffff">that meant you ceased firing.</font>

265
00:14:30,330 --> 00:14:32,810
<font color="#00ffff">But I've misunderstood this.</font>

266
00:14:32,850 --> 00:14:36,050
<font color="#00ffff">And Netanyahu's made it</font>
<font color="#00ffff">pretty clear.</font>

267
00:14:36,090 --> 00:14:37,090
<font color="#ffff00">Temporary ceasefire.</font>
<font color="#00ffff">Temporary ceasefire.</font>

268
00:14:37,130 --> 00:14:39,450
<font color="#ffff00">Truce.</font> <font color="#00ffff">Truce.</font>

269
00:14:39,490 --> 00:14:43,050
I'll tell you what I think we need
now is a quick round up of

270
00:14:43,090 --> 00:14:44,730
good news stories from
around the world.

271
00:14:44,770 --> 00:14:48,330
CHEERING

272
00:14:48,370 --> 00:14:50,850
Fingers on buzzers.
Let's have a good news quiz.

273
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:54,890
<font color="#00ffff">Excellent.</font>

274
00:14:54,930 --> 00:14:56,130
Why have I got buttons?

275
00:14:56,170 --> 00:14:58,250
<font color="#00ff00">I don't know.</font>
<font color="#00ff00">Press them and see what happens.</font>

276
00:14:58,290 --> 00:15:01,330
LOUD BUZZER
PAUL SHRIEKS

277
00:15:01,370 --> 00:15:02,810
BUZZER

278
00:15:02,850 --> 00:15:03,850
<font color="#00ffff">God, this is extraordinary.</font>

279
00:15:03,890 --> 00:15:07,650
<font color="#00ffff">It's like finding out Horizon had</font>
<font color="#00ffff">remote access to the Post Offices.</font>

280
00:15:07,690 --> 00:15:12,650
APPLAUSE

281
00:15:13,130 --> 00:15:15,730
Japan Airlines has successfully
reduced its carbon emissions. How?

282
00:15:15,770 --> 00:15:20,730
<font color="#00ff00">Grounding all planes.</font>

283
00:15:21,010 --> 00:15:23,850
<font color="#00ff00">Making them run on nut oil.</font>

284
00:15:23,890 --> 00:15:25,850
<font color="#00ff00">Chip fat.</font>

285
00:15:25,890 --> 00:15:27,970
Don't call me Chip Fat.

286
00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:31,050
<font color="#00ff00">Didn't you once do an adaptation</font>
<font color="#00ff00">of Goodbye, Mr Chip Fat?</font>

287
00:15:31,090 --> 00:15:36,050
Oh, yeah. It was a long time ago.
<font color="#00ff00">Long time ago.</font>

288
00:15:36,170 --> 00:15:38,570
They're renting clothes
to travellers

289
00:15:38,610 --> 00:15:40,290
so they don't have to pack any,

290
00:15:40,330 --> 00:15:42,330
thus drastically reducing the weight
of their luggage.

291
00:15:42,370 --> 00:15:44,730
You can rent up to eight outfits
for two weeks

292
00:15:44,770 --> 00:15:47,570
and then return them.
That's good news.<font color="#ffff00">Yeah.</font>

293
00:15:47,610 --> 00:15:52,370
<font color="#00ff00">Not if you're the person that's</font>
<font color="#00ff00">going on the third week.</font> Yeah!

294
00:15:52,410 --> 00:15:54,530
<font color="#00ff00">According to these trousers,</font>
<font color="#00ff00">it was a bumpy ride.</font>

295
00:15:54,570 --> 00:15:59,090
MARTIN LAUGHS

296
00:15:59,130 --> 00:16:02,010
<font color="#00ff00">You made that bit up yourself!</font>

297
00:16:02,050 --> 00:16:03,050
CHLOE LAUGHS

298
00:16:03,090 --> 00:16:05,210
And what's the good news linking
daffodils and cows?

299
00:16:05,250 --> 00:16:06,490
Come on, Ian!

300
00:16:06,530 --> 00:16:10,730
<font color="#00ffff">Wordsworth!</font>

301
00:16:10,770 --> 00:16:14,970
<font color="#ffff00">If you hold a daffodil under</font>
<font color="#ffff00">a cow's chin, does it make butter?</font>

302
00:16:15,010 --> 00:16:16,610
No, that's a buttercup.

303
00:16:16,650 --> 00:16:19,730
You git!

304
00:16:19,770 --> 00:16:21,170
There's a chemical extracted
from daffodils

305
00:16:21,210 --> 00:16:23,810
and then fed to cows that reduces
the amount of methane

306
00:16:23,850 --> 00:16:26,850
burped out by a staggering 30%.

307
00:16:26,890 --> 00:16:29,010
The extract is called haeman...

308
00:16:29,050 --> 00:16:32,850
Haem...
Anyway, it's really good news.

309
00:16:32,890 --> 00:16:37,850
APPLAUSE

310
00:16:40,610 --> 00:16:41,610
Yes.

311
00:16:41,650 --> 00:16:42,690
And finally...<font color="#00ff00">Yeah?</font> <font color="#00ffff">Yes?</font>

312
00:16:42,730 --> 00:16:45,770
..in the Good News quiz, you are
no longer allowed to do what

313
00:16:45,810 --> 00:16:46,970
with a balloon in Florida?

314
00:16:47,010 --> 00:16:48,250
AUDIENCE MEMBER LAUGHS

315
00:16:48,290 --> 00:16:51,330
Not that, Madam.

316
00:16:51,370 --> 00:16:52,610
<font color="#00ff00">Tie it to a deckchair.</font>

317
00:16:52,650 --> 00:16:55,850
You are not allowed
to deliberately release it.

318
00:16:55,890 --> 00:16:58,490
Good news, because ingesting even
a small part of a balloon

319
00:16:58,530 --> 00:17:00,410
can kill sea birds
or other marine life.

320
00:17:00,450 --> 00:17:04,330
So no more intentional
balloon releasing in Florida.

321
00:17:04,370 --> 00:17:06,970
That's fantastic news at the end
of the Good News quiz!

322
00:17:07,010 --> 00:17:11,930
APPLAUSE

323
00:17:11,970 --> 00:17:13,730
Whew!

324
00:17:13,770 --> 00:17:14,970
Staying in the United States,

325
00:17:15,010 --> 00:17:16,850
what might happen to Donald Trump
this week?

326
00:17:16,890 --> 00:17:19,010
<font color="#00ff00">Well, he's on trial at the moment,</font>
<font color="#00ff00">isn't he?</font>

327
00:17:19,050 --> 00:17:20,450
<font color="#00ff00">Keeps falling asleep</font>
<font color="#00ff00">during the trial.</font>

328
00:17:20,490 --> 00:17:23,570
<font color="#ffff00">But that's because he's anti-woke.</font>

329
00:17:23,610 --> 00:17:24,610
<font color="#00ff00">Ha!</font>

330
00:17:24,650 --> 00:17:29,050
APPLAUSE

331
00:17:29,090 --> 00:17:30,730
He's trying to break
the gagging order.

332
00:17:30,770 --> 00:17:33,290
<font color="#ffff00">Oh, the $9,000.</font>

333
00:17:33,330 --> 00:17:34,730
Yes. He's done it nine times.

334
00:17:34,770 --> 00:17:37,010
<font color="#ffff00">Hmm.</font> At the moment.

335
00:17:37,050 --> 00:17:38,930
There could be more...
<font color="#00ffff">But after a point,</font>

336
00:17:38,970 --> 00:17:40,130
<font color="#00ffff">you can actually</font>
<font color="#00ffff">incarcerate someone.</font>

337
00:17:40,170 --> 00:17:41,930
That's what I'm... Yeah.

338
00:17:41,970 --> 00:17:43,370
<font color="#00ffff">So he might go to jail.</font>

339
00:17:43,410 --> 00:17:45,090
<font color="#ffff00">But, apparently, they're</font>
<font color="#ffff00">trying all these tricks.</font>

340
00:17:45,130 --> 00:17:47,010
<font color="#ffff00">President Trump is sitting there</font>
<font color="#ffff00">all by himself,</font>

341
00:17:47,050 --> 00:17:48,930
<font color="#ffff00">so they got people to sit with him,</font>

342
00:17:48,970 --> 00:17:51,090
<font color="#ffff00">and then they put a whole bunch</font>
<font color="#ffff00">of documents</font>

343
00:17:51,130 --> 00:17:54,450
<font color="#ffff00">and they gave him a marker so that</font>
<font color="#ffff00">he could start marking the documents</font>

344
00:17:54,490 --> 00:17:57,530
<font color="#ffff00">so that he looks like he's</font>
<font color="#ffff00">really, really paying attention.</font>

345
00:17:57,570 --> 00:18:02,490
Yeah.<font color="#ffff00">Yeah.</font> Some colouring in.<font color="#ffff00">Yeah.</font>

346
00:18:03,730 --> 00:18:06,570
This is the latest front to open up
in the Israel-Gaza conflict.

347
00:18:06,610 --> 00:18:10,090
Protesters occupied Hamilton Hall
at Columbia University,

348
00:18:10,130 --> 00:18:12,050
which was symbolic as,
according to the Times,

349
00:18:12,090 --> 00:18:15,330
the same thing happened there
in 1968...

350
00:18:18,290 --> 00:18:21,370
The only difference being
that, right now, Agent Orange

351
00:18:21,410 --> 00:18:24,850
is sat all day in a
New York courthouse.

352
00:18:24,890 --> 00:18:29,850
APPLAUSE

353
00:18:30,130 --> 00:18:32,450
In recent weeks, staff
have been concerned that Joe Biden's

354
00:18:32,490 --> 00:18:33,890
slow shuffling
round the presidential garden

355
00:18:33,930 --> 00:18:35,810
is making him appear
old and doddery.

356
00:18:35,850 --> 00:18:38,210
In fact, he looks so frail
that Captain Tom's daughter

357
00:18:38,250 --> 00:18:41,330
has started building a spa
on the White House lawn.

358
00:18:41,370 --> 00:18:45,890
APPLAUSE

359
00:18:45,930 --> 00:18:48,770
Lyse, it's a little-known fact
about you that you used to play

360
00:18:48,810 --> 00:18:51,410
a certain winter sport
to a very high level, didn't you?

361
00:18:51,450 --> 00:18:53,050
<font color="#ffff00">Curling.</font> Curling.<font color="#00ff00">Hurling?</font> <font color="#ffff00">Curling.</font>

362
00:18:53,090 --> 00:18:55,690
Yeah. Well, it also brings us
neatly to Round Two,

363
00:18:55,730 --> 00:18:59,090
which is the curling-o-meter
of news.<font color="#00ff00">Oh, really?</font> Oh, yeah.

364
00:18:59,130 --> 00:19:01,210
Fingers on buzzers.

365
00:19:01,250 --> 00:19:02,650
Here comes the first one.

366
00:19:02,690 --> 00:19:05,330
LYSE:<font color="#ffff00">Oh.</font>

367
00:19:05,370 --> 00:19:10,210
APPLAUSE

368
00:19:10,250 --> 00:19:14,370
<font color="#ffff00">Keep going, keep going!</font>

369
00:19:14,410 --> 00:19:17,410
<font color="#00ff00">Oh, this is the strange object,</font>

370
00:19:17,450 --> 00:19:19,810
<font color="#00ff00">which is a Roman antiquity,</font>
<font color="#00ff00">which was recently dug up,</font>

371
00:19:19,850 --> 00:19:21,490
<font color="#00ff00">but they don't know what it is.</font>

372
00:19:21,530 --> 00:19:22,490
It's a dodecahedron.

373
00:19:22,530 --> 00:19:23,570
<font color="#00ff00">Oh, dodecahedron. Yeah.</font> Yeah.

374
00:19:23,610 --> 00:19:25,490
<font color="#ffff00">It's a curling puck before</font>
<font color="#ffff00">they got good.</font>

375
00:19:25,530 --> 00:19:27,850
It means it's got 12 sides.<font color="#00ff00">Yes.</font>

376
00:19:27,890 --> 00:19:31,130
And 33 of these dodecahedrons
have been found in the UK,

377
00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:34,210
but this is one of
the largest at 8cm,

378
00:19:34,250 --> 00:19:37,090
discovered by a member of a local
history society in the village

379
00:19:37,130 --> 00:19:39,930
of Norton Disney near Lincoln.

380
00:19:39,970 --> 00:19:44,930
It's like Euro Disney,
but less shit.

381
00:19:45,450 --> 00:19:47,810
The head of the Norton Disney
History and Archaeology Group,

382
00:19:47,850 --> 00:19:48,930
Richard Parker,

383
00:19:48,970 --> 00:19:50,890
Nosey to his friends,

384
00:19:50,930 --> 00:19:54,250
he told the BBC that it was for...

385
00:19:59,210 --> 00:20:01,330
In other ancient news,
what was discovered this week

386
00:20:01,370 --> 00:20:04,450
that revealed Plato's last words?

387
00:20:04,490 --> 00:20:06,410
<font color="#00ffff">It was a scroll in Pompeii.</font>

388
00:20:06,450 --> 00:20:09,050
<font color="#00ffff">This is the sort of topical</font>
<font color="#00ffff">news quiz I like.</font> <font color="#00ff00">Yeah.</font>

389
00:20:09,090 --> 00:20:12,010
<font color="#00ffff">And there are a lot of</font>
<font color="#00ffff">burnt manuscripts,</font>

390
00:20:12,050 --> 00:20:16,130
<font color="#00ffff">but they've developed a new sort of</font>
<font color="#00ffff">laser-reading technique</font>

391
00:20:16,170 --> 00:20:18,970
<font color="#00ffff">and they can tell</font>
<font color="#00ffff">what's on the scrolls.</font> <font color="#00ff00">Ah.</font>

392
00:20:19,010 --> 00:20:20,250
<font color="#00ffff">It's got Plato's last words,</font>

393
00:20:20,290 --> 00:20:23,530
<font color="#00ffff">in which he's complaining</font>
<font color="#00ffff">about someone playing the flute.</font>

394
00:20:23,570 --> 00:20:26,130
<font color="#00ffff">So you think, "Gosh, I wonder</font>
<font color="#00ffff">if Plato had something</font>

395
00:20:26,170 --> 00:20:27,810
<font color="#00ffff">"really profound to say</font>
<font color="#00ffff">before he died,"</font>

396
00:20:27,850 --> 00:20:31,770
<font color="#00ffff">and it was, "That girl's</font>
<font color="#00ffff">useless at the flute."</font>

397
00:20:31,810 --> 00:20:34,850
Does anyone recall the singer
and actor Adam Faith's

398
00:20:34,890 --> 00:20:38,490
poignant last words?<font color="#00ff00">Yes.</font>

399
00:20:38,530 --> 00:20:42,250
<font color="#00ff00">Yes. He said, "There's a lot of</font>
<font color="#00ff00">shit on Channel 5, isn't there?"</font>

400
00:20:42,290 --> 00:20:47,250
APPLAUSE

401
00:20:47,770 --> 00:20:50,050
<font color="#00ff00">But...</font>

402
00:20:50,090 --> 00:20:51,490
<font color="#00ff00">..I think you'll find that output</font>

403
00:20:51,530 --> 00:20:53,890
<font color="#00ff00">has improved considerably</font>
<font color="#00ff00">since then.</font>

404
00:20:53,930 --> 00:20:56,050
So this is the news
that a dodecahedron discovered

405
00:20:56,090 --> 00:20:58,370
near Lincoln is confusing
Roman scholars.

406
00:20:58,410 --> 00:21:01,050
If you're unsure what possible
purpose it could serve,

407
00:21:01,090 --> 00:21:05,290
Lincoln is an administrative centre
in the north of England.

408
00:21:05,330 --> 00:21:08,010
The artefact was found
in the village of Norton Disney,

409
00:21:08,050 --> 00:21:11,130
although, if you missed the story,
you can always catch up with it

410
00:21:11,170 --> 00:21:15,410
on the local news channel,
Norton Disney +1.

411
00:21:15,450 --> 00:21:18,770
According to a newly unearthed
papyrus scroll from Herculaneum...

412
00:21:18,810 --> 00:21:19,930
So it's quite possible
that he killed himself.

413
00:21:31,250 --> 00:21:36,210
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
Here we go.

414
00:21:38,730 --> 00:21:41,570
<font color="#ffff00">Keep going. Keep going!</font>

415
00:21:41,610 --> 00:21:44,330
<font color="#ffff00">Keep going.</font>

416
00:21:44,370 --> 00:21:45,890
<font color="#ffff00">Oh, well done.</font>

417
00:21:45,930 --> 00:21:47,330
That was a tough one.

418
00:21:47,370 --> 00:21:49,970
<font color="#00ff00">This is the new stadium in</font>
<font color="#00ff00">Manchester, the Co-op Live stadium,</font>

419
00:21:50,010 --> 00:21:52,570
<font color="#00ff00">as it's usefully labelled</font>
<font color="#00ff00">on the outside,</font>

420
00:21:52,610 --> 00:21:54,490
<font color="#00ff00">which has still not managed</font>
<font color="#00ff00">to open properly.</font>

421
00:21:54,530 --> 00:21:56,370
<font color="#00ff00">They've sort of had to</font>
<font color="#00ff00">cancel many shows.</font>

422
00:21:56,410 --> 00:21:57,810
<font color="#00ff00">They were about to open up.</font>

423
00:21:57,850 --> 00:22:00,490
<font color="#00ff00">Some people started coming in</font>
<font color="#00ff00">and a piece of air conditioning</font>

424
00:22:00,530 --> 00:22:02,410
<font color="#00ff00">fell out of the ceiling</font>
<font color="#00ff00">onto the floor,</font>

425
00:22:02,450 --> 00:22:04,050
<font color="#00ff00">and so everybody had to go home.</font>

426
00:22:04,090 --> 00:22:05,330
<font color="#00ff00">This is 25,000 people capacity,</font>

427
00:22:05,370 --> 00:22:07,730
<font color="#00ff00">but only six people</font>
<font color="#00ff00">have been let in so far.</font>

428
00:22:07,770 --> 00:22:09,890
<font color="#ffff00">And they went in</font>
<font color="#ffff00">to fix the air conditioning.</font>

429
00:22:09,930 --> 00:22:13,010
<font color="#00ff00">Yes.</font>

430
00:22:13,050 --> 00:22:14,730
Whose performance became
the latest casualty

431
00:22:14,770 --> 00:22:17,730
of the arena's technical problems?

432
00:22:17,770 --> 00:22:20,570
<font color="#ffff00">A Boogie With A Hoodie?</font>

433
00:22:20,610 --> 00:22:22,850
Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah.

434
00:22:22,890 --> 00:22:27,850
APPLAUSE

435
00:22:29,170 --> 00:22:31,850
And here's the Today programme
on Radio 4 naming him.

436
00:22:31,890 --> 00:22:34,010
<font color="#00ff00">The new Co-op Live Arena</font>
<font color="#00ff00">in Manchester has apologised</font>

437
00:22:34,050 --> 00:22:35,930
<font color="#00ff00">after postponing its opening</font>
<font color="#00ff00">for the third time.</font>

438
00:22:35,970 --> 00:22:38,330
<font color="#00ff00">The announcement was made</font>
<font color="#00ff00">last night as people were queuing</font>

439
00:22:38,370 --> 00:22:40,650
<font color="#00ff00">outside to see the American rapper</font>

440
00:22:40,690 --> 00:22:44,730
<font color="#00ff00">A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie.</font>

441
00:22:44,770 --> 00:22:48,170
They confirmed there was a problem
during the sound check

442
00:22:48,210 --> 00:22:53,170
when people listening could
understand every word he was saying.

443
00:22:54,490 --> 00:22:57,090
According to the Mail, cancelled
acts at the Co-op Live Arena

444
00:22:57,130 --> 00:22:59,210
included Peter Kay
and Olivia Rodrigo,

445
00:22:59,250 --> 00:23:01,650
and if that wasn't bad enough...

446
00:23:05,050 --> 00:23:06,930
After a concert by American rapper

447
00:23:06,970 --> 00:23:11,930
A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie
was cancelled...

448
00:23:15,050 --> 00:23:17,330
I went a bit Scottish there,
didn't I?

449
00:23:17,370 --> 00:23:19,290
SCOTTISH ACCENT:
A Boogie With A Hoodie.

450
00:23:19,330 --> 00:23:21,650
<font color="#ffff00">I think just say it with</font>
<font color="#ffff00">your normal voice.</font> <font color="#00ff00">Yeah.</font>

451
00:23:21,690 --> 00:23:23,370
I thought I was.

452
00:23:23,410 --> 00:23:24,730
A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie.

453
00:23:24,770 --> 00:23:27,650
<font color="#ffff00">A Boogie... Oh, no, it is hard.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Yeah.</font> Yeah.

454
00:23:27,690 --> 00:23:29,850
<font color="#ffff00">A Boogie With A Hoodie.</font>

455
00:23:29,890 --> 00:23:31,570
<font color="#00ff00">No, no, "Da Hoodie".</font>

456
00:23:31,610 --> 00:23:33,010
After a concert by American rapper

457
00:23:33,050 --> 00:23:38,010
A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie
was cancelled...

458
00:23:41,370 --> 00:23:43,770
..footage showed a digger
and a dumper outside the venue.

459
00:23:43,810 --> 00:23:45,450
He's a bit early.

460
00:23:45,490 --> 00:23:49,850
A Digger And A Dumper's
concert's next week.

461
00:23:49,890 --> 00:23:53,210
Other stars set to play at the venue
include Take That and Eric Clapton.

462
00:23:53,250 --> 00:23:55,130
The Village People say
they've also been approached

463
00:23:55,170 --> 00:23:56,570
as long as they bring along

464
00:23:56,610 --> 00:24:01,570
the bloke with the hard hat
and the toolbelt.

465
00:24:02,930 --> 00:24:04,770
Just time now for the
Missing Words Round,

466
00:24:04,810 --> 00:24:06,730
which this week features
as its guest publication

467
00:24:06,770 --> 00:24:09,530
Guinea Pig Magazine.

468
00:24:09,570 --> 00:24:14,530
Or, as it's known in Peru, the menu.

469
00:24:15,130 --> 00:24:17,450
And we start with...

470
00:24:20,090 --> 00:24:23,530
<font color="#00ff00">It starts making faces behind</font>
<font color="#00ff00">your back.</font> LYSE:<font color="#ffff00">Yeah.</font>

471
00:24:23,570 --> 00:24:28,530
CHLOE:<font color="#ffff00">It's loading the dishwasher</font>
<font color="#ffff00">more loudly than usual.</font>

472
00:24:30,170 --> 00:24:31,010
Yep. This is from a full-length
article in Guinea Pig Magazine

473
00:24:33,530 --> 00:24:36,130
Yep. This is from a full-length
article in Guinea Pig Magazine

474
00:24:36,170 --> 00:24:41,130
all about how to keep
your favourite fluffy pet

475
00:24:41,410 --> 00:24:42,890
feeling relaxed and happy.

476
00:24:42,930 --> 00:24:44,330
Now, that, Lyse,
that's proper journalism.

477
00:24:44,370 --> 00:24:47,210
Next.

478
00:24:51,010 --> 00:24:52,650
<font color="#ffff00">She was one of the first, actually,</font>

479
00:24:52,690 --> 00:24:55,290
<font color="#ffff00">to do a live television broadcast</font>
<font color="#ffff00">when she was in Canada.</font>

480
00:24:55,330 --> 00:24:56,330
<font color="#00ffff">What, Queen Elizabeth I?!</font>

481
00:24:56,370 --> 00:24:57,370
<font color="#ffff00">Oh, sorry...</font>

482
00:24:57,410 --> 00:24:58,410
<font color="#ffff00">No, no, no!</font>

483
00:24:58,450 --> 00:25:02,930
<font color="#ffff00">Wrong Queen Elizabeth!</font>

484
00:25:02,970 --> 00:25:06,050
<font color="#00ff00">Queen Elizabeth was one of the</font>
<font color="#00ff00">first people to own a guinea pig.</font>

485
00:25:06,090 --> 00:25:07,090
Yes! Come on!

486
00:25:07,130 --> 00:25:10,690
<font color="#ffff00">Oh, bravo!</font>

487
00:25:10,730 --> 00:25:14,210
Next.

488
00:25:14,250 --> 00:25:16,890
<font color="#00ff00">Two half-dolphins.</font>

489
00:25:16,930 --> 00:25:21,410
CHLOE:<font color="#ffff00">False eyelash.</font>

490
00:25:21,450 --> 00:25:22,810
It's a catfish.

491
00:25:22,850 --> 00:25:24,250
LYSE:<font color="#ffff00">Oh.</font> Let's have a look.

492
00:25:24,290 --> 00:25:26,490
LYSE:<font color="#ffff00">Wow.</font>

493
00:25:26,530 --> 00:25:29,970
<font color="#00ff00">That might just be a little bloke.</font>

494
00:25:30,010 --> 00:25:33,210
<font color="#ffff00">That's going to make the best Tinder</font>
<font color="#ffff00">profile picture that anyone has had.</font>

495
00:25:33,250 --> 00:25:35,530
OK, next.

496
00:25:35,570 --> 00:25:40,530
<font color="#00ff00">You can re-experience the thrill</font>
<font color="#00ff00">of the Liz Truss government...</font>

497
00:25:42,490 --> 00:25:45,730
APPLAUSE

498
00:25:45,770 --> 00:25:49,690
<font color="#00ff00">..with just two toilet rolls.</font>

499
00:25:49,730 --> 00:25:52,770
<font color="#00ff00">You can create an adventure</font>
<font color="#00ff00">playground for your guinea pig.</font>

500
00:25:52,810 --> 00:25:54,010
<font color="#00ff00">An exercise park.</font>

501
00:25:54,050 --> 00:25:55,610
<font color="#00ff00">I'm close, aren't I?</font>

502
00:25:55,650 --> 00:25:57,050
You're very close.<font color="#00ff00">Go on, then.</font>

503
00:25:57,090 --> 00:26:00,170
And if it turns out that they
were the last two toilet rolls,

504
00:26:00,210 --> 00:26:05,170
you'll just have to
use the guinea pig.

505
00:26:07,730 --> 00:26:09,650
Finally...

506
00:26:09,690 --> 00:26:14,650
<font color="#00ff00">Launching missile attack</font>
<font color="#00ff00">on Women's Institute.</font>

507
00:26:14,970 --> 00:26:19,330
<font color="#ffff00">Misunderstanding the purpose</font>
<font color="#ffff00">of a needle exchange.</font> <font color="#00ff00">Yes.</font>

508
00:26:19,370 --> 00:26:23,810
APPLAUSE

509
00:26:23,850 --> 00:26:25,210
<font color="#00ff00">Oh.</font> CHLOE:<font color="#ffff00">Ooh!</font>

510
00:26:25,250 --> 00:26:27,610
The knitting club in Shepton Mallet
in Somerset received complaints

511
00:26:27,650 --> 00:26:32,610
about their display of naked figures
and were forced to cover them up.

512
00:26:35,330 --> 00:26:40,290
<font color="#00ffff">That really is Village People.</font>

513
00:26:45,090 --> 00:26:47,410
The policeman on his left
has got his genitals exposed,

514
00:26:47,450 --> 00:26:50,410
so he's presumably from the Met.

515
00:26:50,450 --> 00:26:55,410
<font color="#00ffff">The bloke next to him is</font>
<font color="#00ffff">obviously a Tory MP.</font>

516
00:26:57,410 --> 00:26:58,810
So the final scores are -

517
00:26:58,850 --> 00:27:02,010
Ian and Lyse have 4,

518
00:27:02,050 --> 00:27:04,010
Paul and Chloe have a massive 6.
<font color="#ffff00">Ohh!</font>

519
00:27:04,050 --> 00:27:05,930
<font color="#00ff00">Well done.</font>

520
00:27:05,970 --> 00:27:09,010
But before we go, there's just time
for the caption competition.

521
00:27:09,050 --> 00:27:14,010
Ian and Lyse have this.

522
00:27:14,050 --> 00:27:18,210
<font color="#00ffff">Oh, you don't look anything</font>
<font color="#00ffff">like your profile picture.</font>

523
00:27:18,250 --> 00:27:20,930
And Paul and Chloe, you have this.

524
00:27:20,970 --> 00:27:25,210
<font color="#00ff00">Passenger complains</font>
<font color="#00ff00">of long wait between buses.</font>

525
00:27:25,250 --> 00:27:30,210
<font color="#00ff00">And why is it being sponsored</font>
<font color="#00ff00">by an Irish rock band?</font>

526
00:27:30,410 --> 00:27:33,210
<font color="#00ff00">U2. U2.</font>

527
00:27:33,250 --> 00:27:34,730
<font color="#00ff00">In case people are thinking,</font>

528
00:27:34,770 --> 00:27:39,290
<font color="#00ff00">"I can't think of an Irish</font>
<font color="#00ff00">rock band called Uxbridge."</font>

529
00:27:39,330 --> 00:27:42,010
On which note, we say thank you
to our panellists,

530
00:27:42,050 --> 00:27:45,210
Ian Hislop and Lyse Doucet,
Paul Merton and Chloe Petts.

531
00:27:45,250 --> 00:27:47,370
And I leave you with news
that, in Islington,

532
00:27:47,410 --> 00:27:49,650
a middle-aged man
is disappointed that the one day

533
00:27:49,690 --> 00:27:52,010
he's ready to play five-a-side
football, everybody else cancels.

534
00:27:56,290 --> 00:27:58,410
In Reading, a man arrested
for selling stolen watches

535
00:27:58,450 --> 00:27:59,850
in the big Tesco car park

536
00:27:59,890 --> 00:28:04,610
says he regrets
using a reversible coat.

537
00:28:06,450 --> 00:28:09,850
And at a photo op in Norwich,
Rishi Sunak tries hard

538
00:28:09,890 --> 00:28:11,530
to conceal the fact
that there's been

539
00:28:11,570 --> 00:28:16,530
a terrible accident with a clamp.

540
00:28:21,290 --> 00:28:22,250
Goodnight.

541
00:28:22,290 --> 00:28:27,250
APPLAUSE