1 00:00:05,550 --> 00:00:10,510 This programme contains some strong language. 2 00:00:29,510 --> 00:00:34,470 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. 3 00:00:41,270 --> 00:00:42,270 Good evening. 4 00:00:42,310 --> 00:00:44,190 Welcome to Have I Got News For You. 5 00:00:44,230 --> 00:00:45,230 I'm Bill Bailey. 6 00:00:45,270 --> 00:00:47,630 In the news this week - at a Labour conference 7 00:00:47,670 --> 00:00:50,230 hotel breakfast bar, some disappointed customers 8 00:00:50,270 --> 00:00:55,230 are told that the Honey Nut Loops are all gone. 9 00:01:01,310 --> 00:01:04,150 On his first proper skiing holiday, Prince George is allowed to bring 10 00:01:04,190 --> 00:01:09,190 along his working-class school friend. 11 00:01:15,870 --> 00:01:17,990 And in Paris, the Irish Olympic team present organisers 12 00:01:18,030 --> 00:01:22,990 with a last-minute suggestion for a new Games format. 13 00:01:27,790 --> 00:01:30,430 AUDIENCE CHEERS. 14 00:01:30,470 --> 00:01:31,470 APPLAUSE. 15 00:01:31,510 --> 00:01:33,990 Oh, that's genius. 16 00:01:34,030 --> 00:01:38,990 That is genius. 17 00:01:40,030 --> 00:01:42,150 On Ian's team tonight is a journalist who once 18 00:01:42,190 --> 00:01:44,310 wrote an article entitled What Happens When a Joke 19 00:01:44,350 --> 00:01:45,350 is Followed by Silence. 20 00:01:45,390 --> 00:01:48,230 And looking at the audience tonight, I don't think it'll be long 21 00:01:48,270 --> 00:01:49,430 before we find the answer. 22 00:01:49,470 --> 00:01:50,630 So please welcome Helen Lewis. 23 00:01:50,670 --> 00:01:55,630 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. 24 00:01:58,070 --> 00:02:00,430 And on Paul's team tonight is a comedian who last 25 00:02:00,470 --> 00:02:02,590 appeared on this show opposite Helen Lewis with guest 26 00:02:02,630 --> 00:02:03,630 host Bill Bailey. 27 00:02:03,670 --> 00:02:06,030 Sorry, for a minute there I thought I'd nodded off 28 00:02:06,070 --> 00:02:07,190 during a very long recording. 29 00:02:07,230 --> 00:02:09,110 Please welcome Daliso Chaponda. 30 00:02:09,150 --> 00:02:14,070 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. 31 00:02:14,110 --> 00:02:16,790 So we begin with the bigger news stories of the week. 32 00:02:16,830 --> 00:02:18,630 Ian and Helen, have a look at this. 33 00:02:18,670 --> 00:02:21,590 Oh, local elections? 34 00:02:21,630 --> 00:02:23,870 Boris being arrested? 35 00:02:23,910 --> 00:02:26,950 There's a winner. 36 00:02:26,990 --> 00:02:28,150 Aw, and there's a loser. 37 00:02:28,190 --> 00:02:29,190 Yeah. 38 00:02:29,230 --> 00:02:30,230 That's Rishi. 39 00:02:30,270 --> 00:02:32,950 "I've won one seat." 40 00:02:32,990 --> 00:02:35,950 And that's a defector. 41 00:02:35,990 --> 00:02:40,910 Somebody forgot to cancel their Green Book subscription, I see. 42 00:02:42,750 --> 00:02:45,150 Yes. 43 00:02:45,190 --> 00:02:48,510 This is the news that the number of female mayors has for the first 44 00:02:48,550 --> 00:02:52,870 time overtaken the number of mayors called Andy. 45 00:02:52,910 --> 00:02:54,230 So...what did nobody see coming? 46 00:02:54,270 --> 00:02:56,670 Well, everybody saw a Tory rout coming and it was 47 00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:57,670 indeed a Tory rout. 48 00:02:57,710 --> 00:02:58,710 Yes. 49 00:02:58,750 --> 00:03:01,950 They lost 500 councillors. 50 00:03:01,990 --> 00:03:03,870 They lost the West Midlands mayoralty, they lost 51 00:03:03,910 --> 00:03:06,030 the Blackpool South by election and they lost their 52 00:03:06,070 --> 00:03:07,070 passion for life, Bill. 53 00:03:07,110 --> 00:03:08,110 Aw. 54 00:03:08,150 --> 00:03:11,790 That's a shame. 55 00:03:11,830 --> 00:03:14,910 And at the end of the evening, the Lib Dems had won more 56 00:03:14,950 --> 00:03:15,950 councillors than the Tories. 57 00:03:15,990 --> 00:03:17,030 Now that's BAD. 58 00:03:17,070 --> 00:03:19,630 And they had a sort of defection as well, didn't they? 59 00:03:19,670 --> 00:03:20,670 They did. 60 00:03:20,710 --> 00:03:21,710 Natalie Elphicke. 61 00:03:21,750 --> 00:03:22,790 Yes. 62 00:03:22,830 --> 00:03:23,870 Let's have a look. 63 00:03:23,910 --> 00:03:24,830 Yeah, there she is. 64 00:03:24,870 --> 00:03:26,790 At the last minute, just before Prime Minister's 65 00:03:26,830 --> 00:03:27,910 Question Time, she defected. 66 00:03:27,950 --> 00:03:30,510 She crossed the floor, which is amusing cos she's the MP 67 00:03:30,550 --> 00:03:35,510 for Dover and she's used to people crossing... 68 00:03:39,790 --> 00:03:40,790 LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH. 69 00:03:40,830 --> 00:03:43,190 And also she was about as welcome as a surprise 70 00:03:43,230 --> 00:03:44,230 visit from Matt Hancock. 71 00:03:44,270 --> 00:03:47,190 You sound like you're speaking from experience. 72 00:03:47,230 --> 00:03:48,630 A lady never kisses and tells. 73 00:03:48,670 --> 00:03:52,070 Of course, no. 74 00:03:52,110 --> 00:03:55,190 But it was a surprise because she's defected to Labour and she's not 75 00:03:55,230 --> 00:03:56,390 a sort of centrist Tory. 76 00:03:56,430 --> 00:03:58,350 She's a sort of right-wing head-banger. 77 00:03:58,390 --> 00:04:00,750 Yeah, she was a member of the European Reform Group. 78 00:04:00,790 --> 00:04:02,230 Right. 79 00:04:02,270 --> 00:04:04,870 She's really not considered anywhere near the Labour Party. 80 00:04:04,910 --> 00:04:07,150 It doesn't seem to make any sense, does it? 81 00:04:07,190 --> 00:04:10,510 And also, she says she's going to be standing down at the next election, 82 00:04:10,550 --> 00:04:15,150 which will be in a few months. 83 00:04:15,190 --> 00:04:16,190 Right. 84 00:04:16,230 --> 00:04:17,630 So why is she doing it? 85 00:04:17,670 --> 00:04:19,790 Is she actually defecting or is she a mole? 86 00:04:19,830 --> 00:04:22,910 She's only an MP because she took the job over from her husband 87 00:04:22,950 --> 00:04:25,310 because he was arrested and then found guilty of various 88 00:04:25,350 --> 00:04:26,350 sexual offences. 89 00:04:26,390 --> 00:04:29,110 Mm. 90 00:04:29,150 --> 00:04:31,790 But not only did Natalie Elphicke, after her husband was found 91 00:04:31,830 --> 00:04:34,750 guilty of these crimes, she took on the seat and she also 92 00:04:34,790 --> 00:04:39,750 had a go at the victims... 93 00:04:42,270 --> 00:04:43,270 Yeah. 94 00:04:43,310 --> 00:04:44,950 ..and said they were asking for it. 95 00:04:44,990 --> 00:04:47,830 And then she and some other MPs tried to nobble the judge 96 00:04:47,870 --> 00:04:48,870 by writing him letters. 97 00:04:48,910 --> 00:04:49,990 Ooh. 98 00:04:50,030 --> 00:04:52,350 Helen's just thinking "nobble" is a bit strong, isn't it? 99 00:04:52,390 --> 00:04:53,750 They made representations to the judge... 100 00:04:53,790 --> 00:04:54,790 To influence his decision? 101 00:04:54,830 --> 00:04:55,830 Yes. 102 00:04:55,870 --> 00:04:57,030 Go on, say it, Ian. 103 00:04:57,070 --> 00:04:58,070 Say it. 104 00:04:58,110 --> 00:04:59,110 LAUGHTER. 105 00:04:59,150 --> 00:05:01,270 And she also said that her husband was, quote, 106 00:05:01,310 --> 00:05:02,470 "An easy target for women..." 107 00:05:02,510 --> 00:05:03,510 Because he was attractive. 108 00:05:03,550 --> 00:05:04,550 Yes. 109 00:05:04,590 --> 00:05:05,750 After he'd been convicted. 110 00:05:05,790 --> 00:05:07,350 And she has now apologised for that... 111 00:05:07,390 --> 00:05:08,310 She only apologised today. 112 00:05:08,350 --> 00:05:09,350 Yes. 113 00:05:09,390 --> 00:05:14,350 Bit late. 114 00:05:18,750 --> 00:05:19,870 So she's not top recruit... 115 00:05:19,910 --> 00:05:20,910 No. 116 00:05:20,950 --> 00:05:21,950 No. 117 00:05:21,990 --> 00:05:22,990 ..for a party. 118 00:05:23,030 --> 00:05:25,630 I mean, if you were Keir Starmer, you could have said, 119 00:05:25,670 --> 00:05:26,710 "That's lovely, but no." 120 00:05:26,750 --> 00:05:27,710 Yeah. 121 00:05:27,750 --> 00:05:29,870 This might be awkward for Shadow Chancellor Rachel Reeves. 122 00:05:29,910 --> 00:05:32,030 They had a spat over Marcus Rashford, the footballer, 123 00:05:32,070 --> 00:05:33,710 and his campaign for free school meals. 124 00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:34,870 Yeah. 125 00:05:34,910 --> 00:05:37,390 And I believe she said that Natalie Elphicke could eff off. 126 00:05:37,430 --> 00:05:38,830 I think that's the words here. 127 00:05:38,870 --> 00:05:41,230 Thanks for putting it up because I had no idea 128 00:05:41,270 --> 00:05:42,430 what you were referring to. 129 00:05:42,470 --> 00:05:43,470 No, I'm sorry. 130 00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:44,670 The words are there now. 131 00:05:44,710 --> 00:05:46,110 Dotting the I's, crossing the T's. 132 00:05:46,150 --> 00:05:47,150 Exactly. 133 00:05:47,190 --> 00:05:48,190 Yeah. 134 00:05:48,230 --> 00:05:50,910 And this might also be awkward for Keir Starmer as well. 135 00:05:50,950 --> 00:05:51,870 Why might that be? 136 00:05:51,910 --> 00:05:54,030 He just looks a bit of a soft touch. 137 00:05:54,070 --> 00:05:56,190 That's actually a very apposite description because Natalie Elphicke 138 00:05:56,230 --> 00:06:01,190 has in the past repeatedly called him Sir Softie. 139 00:06:02,230 --> 00:06:03,230 Ooh. 140 00:06:03,270 --> 00:06:05,390 And this is how The Sun newspaper imagine that. 141 00:06:05,430 --> 00:06:10,390 Like of 18th century ice cream. 142 00:06:11,150 --> 00:06:12,150 Yeah! 143 00:06:12,190 --> 00:06:13,190 That's right. 144 00:06:13,230 --> 00:06:14,910 That's Elton John going to a party. 145 00:06:14,950 --> 00:06:19,910 Keir Starmer's theory is that he needs to get all kinds 146 00:06:20,470 --> 00:06:21,590 of people to vote Labour. 147 00:06:21,630 --> 00:06:23,990 So getting the most bonkers right-wing person possible to join 148 00:06:24,030 --> 00:06:26,670 the party can show what a broad church they are. 149 00:06:26,710 --> 00:06:27,710 You see... 150 00:06:27,750 --> 00:06:28,750 Could be you. 151 00:06:28,790 --> 00:06:29,790 It could be you. 152 00:06:29,830 --> 00:06:30,830 Yes. 153 00:06:30,870 --> 00:06:32,270 Slightly to the right of Goebbels. 154 00:06:32,310 --> 00:06:33,350 So anyway... 155 00:06:33,390 --> 00:06:34,510 Aren't they little furry creatures? 156 00:06:34,550 --> 00:06:36,710 Yes, that's right. 157 00:06:36,750 --> 00:06:38,870 So, yeah, we're going back to the elections, right? 158 00:06:38,910 --> 00:06:41,310 And what happened to one of the Andys, Andy Burnham? 159 00:06:41,350 --> 00:06:42,310 He did well. 160 00:06:42,350 --> 00:06:43,350 Yes. 161 00:06:43,390 --> 00:06:44,590 Perfectly boring re-election. 162 00:06:44,630 --> 00:06:45,430 Steamed it. 163 00:06:45,470 --> 00:06:46,470 Never in question. 164 00:06:46,510 --> 00:06:48,390 He's been re-elected as king of the north. 165 00:06:48,430 --> 00:06:49,430 Look at this. 166 00:06:49,470 --> 00:06:50,470 Hey, there he goes. 167 00:06:50,510 --> 00:06:51,630 Oh, no, you see. 168 00:06:51,670 --> 00:06:52,550 Oh. 169 00:06:52,590 --> 00:06:54,950 Who would have thought an older man dancing would be 170 00:06:54,990 --> 00:06:55,990 embarrassing like that? 171 00:06:56,030 --> 00:06:57,470 LAUGHTER. 172 00:06:57,510 --> 00:06:59,390 But what's interesting is, they've obviously had two 173 00:06:59,430 --> 00:07:00,430 separate choreographers. 174 00:07:00,470 --> 00:07:04,830 Yes. 175 00:07:04,870 --> 00:07:05,870 Shocking. 176 00:07:05,910 --> 00:07:09,870 Shocking behaviour. 177 00:07:09,910 --> 00:07:12,510 There was a shock recount in the West Midlands mayoral contest 178 00:07:12,550 --> 00:07:15,150 for the Tory incumbent Andy Street and, luckily, a third Andrew, 179 00:07:15,190 --> 00:07:19,870 Andrew Mitchell, was unruffled. 180 00:07:19,910 --> 00:07:21,310 Is Andy Street going to lose? 181 00:07:21,350 --> 00:07:22,710 Where do you think it is? 182 00:07:22,750 --> 00:07:24,670 Well, we know we know there's a recount. 183 00:07:24,710 --> 00:07:28,230 So we know either that Andy Street has won or that he has nearly won. 184 00:07:28,270 --> 00:07:31,510 LAUGHTER. 185 00:07:31,550 --> 00:07:33,990 It's good, yeah. 186 00:07:34,030 --> 00:07:35,030 LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH. 187 00:07:35,070 --> 00:07:37,270 I like that. 188 00:07:37,310 --> 00:07:39,750 Laura Kuenssberg shared on social media a bit of... 189 00:07:39,790 --> 00:07:42,390 Well, she seemed to have some insight into the mayoral election. 190 00:07:42,430 --> 00:07:45,030 Yes, it's going to be a very tight London mayoral election. 191 00:07:45,070 --> 00:07:46,230 Oh, yes. 192 00:07:46,270 --> 00:07:48,630 She was talking about Sadiq Khan and Tory mayoral hopeful 193 00:07:48,670 --> 00:07:51,230 and possible crackpot Susan Hall. 194 00:07:51,270 --> 00:07:53,870 She said in a tweet, "No votes have been counted yet, 195 00:07:53,910 --> 00:07:55,670 "so hold on to your hats. 196 00:07:55,710 --> 00:08:00,270 "But it's clear tonight that the race is much, 197 00:08:00,310 --> 00:08:01,950 "much closer than some polls had suggested." 198 00:08:01,990 --> 00:08:03,230 But in fact, it wasn't. 199 00:08:03,270 --> 00:08:04,590 This was Sadiq Khan's victory speech. 200 00:08:04,630 --> 00:08:06,510 Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 201 00:08:06,550 --> 00:08:07,590 BOOING. 202 00:08:07,630 --> 00:08:10,150 Thank you, London. 203 00:08:10,190 --> 00:08:15,150 COUNTERING WHOOPS. 204 00:08:16,550 --> 00:08:17,910 That was the Britain First candidate, 205 00:08:17,950 --> 00:08:21,790 who was beaten by a bin. 206 00:08:21,830 --> 00:08:26,790 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. 207 00:08:27,070 --> 00:08:28,510 There's a lot of Count Binface 208 00:08:28,550 --> 00:08:33,510 supporters in tonight. 209 00:08:33,910 --> 00:08:36,750 And further north, who has become the keeper of the Scottish Seal? 210 00:08:36,790 --> 00:08:38,190 John Swinney. 211 00:08:38,230 --> 00:08:39,230 John Swinney, yes. 212 00:08:39,270 --> 00:08:43,070 He's already had one go at it and it worked out so well they've got him 213 00:08:43,110 --> 00:08:45,230 back again to be head of the SNP again. 214 00:08:45,270 --> 00:08:46,270 Yes, it's John Swinney. 215 00:08:46,310 --> 00:08:48,910 You're right, he's been sworn in as the new First Minister 216 00:08:48,950 --> 00:08:51,310 of Scotland and is now keeper of the Scottish Seal. 217 00:08:51,350 --> 00:08:52,390 Here he is. 218 00:08:52,430 --> 00:08:54,310 That's him, just about to make a couple of waffles. 219 00:08:54,350 --> 00:08:54,950 {\an8}That's him, just about to make a couple of waffles. 220 00:08:54,990 --> 00:08:58,870 {\an8}And what has reluctant taxpayer Nadhim Zahawi announced this week? 221 00:08:58,910 --> 00:09:03,030 He's announced that he's going to be stepping down at the next election. 222 00:09:03,070 --> 00:09:05,430 And in his resignation letter, he said that every morning, 223 00:09:05,470 --> 00:09:07,590 as he shaves his head, he thinks about his 224 00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:12,150 duty to his country. 225 00:09:12,190 --> 00:09:14,990 Have you ever thought that? 226 00:09:15,030 --> 00:09:16,110 I think of... 227 00:09:16,150 --> 00:09:18,270 Do you have to shave your head every morning? 228 00:09:18,310 --> 00:09:19,910 How do I know? 229 00:09:19,950 --> 00:09:21,230 Well, how would I know? 230 00:09:21,270 --> 00:09:22,270 Yeah. 231 00:09:22,310 --> 00:09:24,870 How would I know? 232 00:09:24,910 --> 00:09:25,910 I know. 233 00:09:25,950 --> 00:09:29,710 I know. 234 00:09:29,750 --> 00:09:30,750 APPLAUSE. 235 00:09:30,790 --> 00:09:32,950 Well, that's right. 236 00:09:32,990 --> 00:09:33,990 He's gone. 237 00:09:34,030 --> 00:09:35,870 He's gone. 238 00:09:35,910 --> 00:09:37,310 Well, he hasn't gone, has he? 239 00:09:37,350 --> 00:09:38,350 Well... 240 00:09:38,390 --> 00:09:40,270 He's just said he's going to step down. 241 00:09:40,310 --> 00:09:41,470 But they never step down. 242 00:09:41,510 --> 00:09:43,390 They all get a job somewhere, don't they? 243 00:09:43,430 --> 00:09:44,830 They'll be a consultant on some... 244 00:09:44,870 --> 00:09:47,230 Well, he might have a problem, because if you remember, 245 00:09:47,270 --> 00:09:49,390 he was removed as chairman of the Conservative Party 246 00:09:49,430 --> 00:09:51,390 because he hadn't mentioned when he was chancellor 247 00:09:51,430 --> 00:09:54,470 that he was being investigated by HMRC. 248 00:09:54,510 --> 00:09:57,070 It's the sort of thing you forget very easily when you're 249 00:09:57,110 --> 00:09:58,710 Chancellor of the Exchequer, you're raising taxes 250 00:09:58,750 --> 00:10:00,710 on other people. 251 00:10:00,750 --> 00:10:02,750 But yours - ah-hoo! 252 00:10:02,790 --> 00:10:03,830 Sorry. 253 00:10:03,870 --> 00:10:05,990 What was that noise he made? 254 00:10:06,030 --> 00:10:07,910 He's not quite as camp as that but... 255 00:10:07,950 --> 00:10:08,990 {\an8}But you are. 256 00:10:09,030 --> 00:10:12,390 Yeah. 257 00:10:12,430 --> 00:10:14,110 I got a letter from HMRC, right? 258 00:10:14,150 --> 00:10:15,110 Yeah. 259 00:10:15,150 --> 00:10:16,150 Ignore it. 260 00:10:16,190 --> 00:10:17,190 No. 261 00:10:17,230 --> 00:10:21,630 No. 262 00:10:21,670 --> 00:10:24,550 They wrote to me and they said, "Dear Mr Bailey, we noticed 263 00:10:24,590 --> 00:10:26,430 "a suspicious drop in your earnings in 2020." 264 00:10:26,470 --> 00:10:27,470 LAUGHTER. 265 00:10:27,510 --> 00:10:32,470 Well, duh. 266 00:10:35,030 --> 00:10:37,510 The letter to Baroness Mone says, "We noticed a suspicious raise..." 267 00:10:37,550 --> 00:10:39,310 Yes, exactly. 268 00:10:39,350 --> 00:10:42,670 And now, for all the latest news in the east of England, 269 00:10:42,710 --> 00:10:45,310 let's go over to Shaun Peel, who seems to be operating 270 00:10:45,350 --> 00:10:46,510 the autocue with his foot. 271 00:10:46,550 --> 00:10:47,710 Charlie and Naga, thank you. 272 00:10:47,750 --> 00:10:48,910 Good morning, I'm Shaun Peel. 273 00:10:48,950 --> 00:10:51,070 In the local elections, it's been a bad night 274 00:10:51,110 --> 00:10:53,710 for the Conservative... 275 00:10:53,750 --> 00:10:58,710 AUDIENCE LAUGHS. 276 00:11:06,190 --> 00:11:08,950 It's been a bad night for the Conservatives. 277 00:11:08,990 --> 00:11:11,350 They have lost more than 30 councillors across the six 278 00:11:11,390 --> 00:11:13,910 authorities where overnight counting took place. 279 00:11:13,950 --> 00:11:18,310 In Peterborough, which recently... 280 00:11:18,350 --> 00:11:23,310 AUDIENCE LAUGHS. 281 00:11:27,630 --> 00:11:29,750 I do apologise, we seem to be having some 282 00:11:29,790 --> 00:11:34,750 problems this morning. 283 00:11:36,590 --> 00:11:39,390 One BBC presenter made a bit of a slip when she referred 284 00:11:39,430 --> 00:11:41,750 to the top election expert John Curtice as Richard Curtis. 285 00:11:41,790 --> 00:11:43,470 Although... 286 00:11:43,510 --> 00:11:47,390 I mean, to be fair, the Tories had just lost 287 00:11:47,430 --> 00:11:50,150 Notting Hill and Dibley East, so fair enough. 288 00:11:50,190 --> 00:11:52,590 This week, top sword wrangler Penny Mordaunt tried to play... 289 00:11:52,630 --> 00:11:57,190 GROANING AND LAUGHTER. 290 00:11:57,230 --> 00:12:01,710 What? 291 00:12:01,750 --> 00:12:03,870 Penny Mordaunt - the one that held the thing. 292 00:12:03,910 --> 00:12:04,990 That's worse. 293 00:12:05,030 --> 00:12:09,910 I know! 294 00:12:09,950 --> 00:12:12,350 Penny Mordaunt played down rumours that she is to be... 295 00:12:12,390 --> 00:12:17,350 "installed in Number 10 rather like a new boiler". 296 00:12:17,830 --> 00:12:21,390 Others insist it could happen as soon as next Thursday, 297 00:12:21,430 --> 00:12:25,950 although they can't say whether it will be morning or afternoon. 298 00:12:25,990 --> 00:12:27,070 Paul and Daliso... 299 00:12:27,110 --> 00:12:29,790 Yeah. 300 00:12:29,830 --> 00:12:31,310 ..take a look at this. 301 00:12:31,350 --> 00:12:34,630 Right. 302 00:12:34,670 --> 00:12:37,510 If I was a little bloke, I wouldn't walk through big doors. 303 00:12:37,550 --> 00:12:38,950 That's the first thing I'll say. 304 00:12:38,990 --> 00:12:41,110 Oh, look, why do they do that stupid walk? 305 00:12:41,150 --> 00:12:42,150 Oh, hello, who's this? 306 00:12:42,190 --> 00:12:46,270 Steven Seagal, is it? 307 00:12:46,310 --> 00:12:47,310 Steven Seagal. 308 00:12:47,350 --> 00:12:49,230 Bloke in the middle with the natural-looking hair. 309 00:12:49,270 --> 00:12:50,270 Yes. 310 00:12:50,310 --> 00:12:52,910 So this is, much to everybody's surprise, Vladimir Putin has become, 311 00:12:52,950 --> 00:12:55,070 whichever he is, President, Prime Minister, lord and ruler 312 00:12:55,110 --> 00:12:56,750 of Russia again, for the fifth time. 313 00:12:56,790 --> 00:12:57,790 Yes. 314 00:12:57,830 --> 00:12:58,830 A shock win. 315 00:12:58,870 --> 00:12:59,870 A shock result. 316 00:12:59,910 --> 00:13:00,990 Shocking, shocking. 317 00:13:01,030 --> 00:13:02,590 And still all the pomp and circumstance... 318 00:13:02,630 --> 00:13:04,990 They can do a rigged election pretty well, can't they? 319 00:13:05,030 --> 00:13:06,030 Yeah. 320 00:13:06,070 --> 00:13:07,750 Look, I'm African and they're top notch. 321 00:13:07,790 --> 00:13:08,750 Yeah! 322 00:13:08,790 --> 00:13:09,790 A whole other level. 323 00:13:09,830 --> 00:13:13,310 Seagal - what was he doing there? 324 00:13:13,350 --> 00:13:15,470 Steven Seagal, why was he there? 325 00:13:15,510 --> 00:13:18,990 I love the fact that a washed-up action star is now a prop to Putin. 326 00:13:19,030 --> 00:13:20,910 And I think we need more of this. 327 00:13:20,950 --> 00:13:22,830 Each nation should have one as their champion. 328 00:13:22,870 --> 00:13:23,870 Yeah. 329 00:13:23,910 --> 00:13:25,350 There's a picture of Seagal there. 330 00:13:25,390 --> 00:13:27,630 He has... 331 00:13:27,670 --> 00:13:30,510 I mean, he's... 332 00:13:30,550 --> 00:13:33,110 He has been on the old Just For Men, you know. 333 00:13:33,150 --> 00:13:34,150 LAUGHTER. 334 00:13:34,190 --> 00:13:35,190 Just For Raccoon. 335 00:13:35,230 --> 00:13:36,230 I mean, it's... 336 00:13:36,270 --> 00:13:37,470 I mean, he's just... 337 00:13:37,510 --> 00:13:39,870 He looks a bit like Ming the Merciless. 338 00:13:39,910 --> 00:13:40,910 He does! 339 00:13:40,950 --> 00:13:45,230 There we go. 340 00:13:45,270 --> 00:13:46,270 APPLAUSE. 341 00:13:46,310 --> 00:13:48,430 I would say that Ming the Merciless' moustache, beard 342 00:13:48,470 --> 00:13:49,630 and headgear are more convincing. 343 00:13:49,670 --> 00:13:54,630 Yeah. 344 00:13:56,150 --> 00:13:58,750 Putin had a very long walk to get to the ceremony. 345 00:13:58,790 --> 00:14:00,910 Do you want to have a look at it? 346 00:14:00,950 --> 00:14:02,350 Yeah, go on then. 347 00:14:02,390 --> 00:14:04,310 Let's have a look at it. 348 00:14:04,350 --> 00:14:09,110 So here he goes, around a corner. 349 00:14:09,150 --> 00:14:11,950 "I walk there. 350 00:14:11,990 --> 00:14:13,030 "So I walk down here." 351 00:14:13,070 --> 00:14:14,150 Long walk... 352 00:14:14,190 --> 00:14:16,310 Building up a big static charge on that carpet. 353 00:14:16,350 --> 00:14:18,710 Rather reminiscent of a sequence in The Shining, I think. 354 00:14:18,750 --> 00:14:19,750 Yes. 355 00:14:19,790 --> 00:14:21,270 Well, we'll come back to that. 356 00:14:21,310 --> 00:14:23,390 So did you notice anything peculiar in that ceremony? 357 00:14:23,430 --> 00:14:24,430 Big doors. 358 00:14:24,470 --> 00:14:25,470 Everything. 359 00:14:25,510 --> 00:14:26,510 Yes. 360 00:14:26,550 --> 00:14:27,550 The guards? 361 00:14:27,590 --> 00:14:28,750 Two of them walking along. 362 00:14:28,790 --> 00:14:29,790 Yeah. 363 00:14:29,830 --> 00:14:30,830 Yeah. 364 00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:31,990 They did something odd, though. 365 00:14:32,030 --> 00:14:33,470 When he came through the doors... 366 00:14:33,510 --> 00:14:34,510 They do a weird... 367 00:14:34,550 --> 00:14:36,670 Yes, they look at him in a funny way. 368 00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:38,110 Oh, I wouldn't be doing that... 369 00:14:38,150 --> 00:14:39,150 Well, no, I mean... 370 00:14:39,190 --> 00:14:40,190 ALL EXCLAIM. 371 00:14:40,230 --> 00:14:41,230 Yeah. 372 00:14:41,270 --> 00:14:42,910 It's a bit camp though, isn't it? 373 00:14:42,950 --> 00:14:47,910 You know, it's like, "Ooh, look at him. 374 00:14:49,190 --> 00:14:51,310 Who does he think he is?" 375 00:14:51,350 --> 00:14:53,710 You know, it's... 376 00:14:53,750 --> 00:14:56,830 There's another one of him coming through a door and this soldier does 377 00:14:56,870 --> 00:14:58,030 a weird leaning thing here. 378 00:14:58,070 --> 00:15:00,910 I mean, he might well end up being arrested for being tall. 379 00:15:00,950 --> 00:15:01,950 Yeah. 380 00:15:01,990 --> 00:15:03,870 Meanwhile, Putin is still on his long walk. 381 00:15:03,910 --> 00:15:04,910 Yeah, go on, then. 382 00:15:04,950 --> 00:15:06,150 Still going. 383 00:15:06,190 --> 00:15:09,430 "Not far now, mate!" 384 00:15:09,470 --> 00:15:13,750 He keeps changing the constitution, so at this rate, he's 385 00:15:13,790 --> 00:15:18,750 still going to be in charge of Russia when he's 83. 386 00:15:19,150 --> 00:15:23,630 Can you imagine any other country having...? 387 00:15:23,670 --> 00:15:25,790 Staying with authoritative world leaders, what have we learned 388 00:15:25,830 --> 00:15:26,990 about Donald Trump this week? 389 00:15:27,030 --> 00:15:28,030 Way too much. 390 00:15:28,070 --> 00:15:29,070 Yes. 391 00:15:29,110 --> 00:15:31,830 Oh, God. 392 00:15:31,870 --> 00:15:34,230 Like, this was, Stormy Daniels was cross-examined in the trial. 393 00:15:34,270 --> 00:15:35,270 Yeah. 394 00:15:35,310 --> 00:15:36,950 Spoke rather graphically about their sexual encounter. 395 00:15:36,990 --> 00:15:39,270 Although the defence have successfully argued for some 396 00:15:39,310 --> 00:15:41,990 of the salacious details to be withheld, so there's stuff we're 397 00:15:42,030 --> 00:15:46,430 not allowed to hear. 398 00:15:46,470 --> 00:15:49,310 Yeah, I mean, I listened to as much as there was, and... 399 00:15:49,350 --> 00:15:51,550 LAUGHTER. 400 00:15:51,590 --> 00:15:55,150 Why does it sound like a shamed admission? 401 00:15:55,190 --> 00:15:57,870 Cos he acted some of it out. 402 00:15:57,910 --> 00:16:01,790 A lot of detail was missing, so when Stormy Daniels spanked... 403 00:16:01,830 --> 00:16:02,870 Yes. 404 00:16:02,910 --> 00:16:06,030 ..Trump with a rolled-up magazine, they didn't say which one. 405 00:16:06,070 --> 00:16:08,230 Yeah. 406 00:16:08,270 --> 00:16:09,830 That's true. 407 00:16:09,870 --> 00:16:12,710 Someone said it was Forbes magazine and they said it wasn't them. 408 00:16:12,750 --> 00:16:13,870 They've disowned the spanking incident. 409 00:16:13,910 --> 00:16:18,870 I mean, all that marketing potential wasted on Forbes. 410 00:16:20,510 --> 00:16:23,590 He said this week, "I've just found out who the witness is tomorrow. 411 00:16:23,630 --> 00:16:25,990 "They didn't tell us who it was going to be. 412 00:16:26,030 --> 00:16:28,630 "Here I am accused of having an affair with Stormy Daniels 413 00:16:28,670 --> 00:16:33,630 "and who should turn up?" 414 00:16:35,910 --> 00:16:36,910 LAUGHTER. 415 00:16:36,950 --> 00:16:38,310 "That's the same woman!" 416 00:16:38,350 --> 00:16:40,470 Did you hear how the BBC's correspondent Sarah Smith 417 00:16:40,510 --> 00:16:43,230 described the mood? 418 00:16:43,270 --> 00:16:45,950 He had to listen to her admit she had publicly 419 00:16:45,990 --> 00:16:50,950 called him an orange turd. 420 00:16:53,510 --> 00:16:56,590 And his lawyers didn't do him any favours, 421 00:16:56,630 --> 00:16:59,470 because they asked, "Who did you mean when you said orange turd?" 422 00:16:59,510 --> 00:17:01,790 Obviously Donald Trump! 423 00:17:01,830 --> 00:17:03,950 And if he wears one of those orange suits, 424 00:17:03,990 --> 00:17:08,950 his face will completely disappear, won't it? 425 00:17:13,590 --> 00:17:15,670 It'll just look like an empty suit walking around. 426 00:17:15,710 --> 00:17:17,830 But Trump's lawyers said the one thing we don't 427 00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:19,230 want to discuss is genitalia. 428 00:17:19,270 --> 00:17:21,870 And given that it's about whether they had sex or not, 429 00:17:21,910 --> 00:17:24,270 I thought, this is going to come up, isn't it? 430 00:17:24,310 --> 00:17:25,310 Yes. 431 00:17:25,350 --> 00:17:26,350 AUDIENCE GROANS. 432 00:17:26,390 --> 00:17:27,390 Oh! 433 00:17:27,430 --> 00:17:28,470 Your joke! 434 00:17:28,510 --> 00:17:29,470 Yours! 435 00:17:29,510 --> 00:17:30,510 You did that. 436 00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:31,550 You did that. 437 00:17:31,590 --> 00:17:32,550 Go on, get out! 438 00:17:32,590 --> 00:17:33,630 Appalling. 439 00:17:33,670 --> 00:17:34,670 Filth mongers. 440 00:17:34,710 --> 00:17:36,270 The reasonable man speaking reasonably there. 441 00:17:36,310 --> 00:17:37,310 Oh, yes, grow up. 442 00:17:37,350 --> 00:17:38,350 Come on. 443 00:17:38,390 --> 00:17:40,190 Grow up, everyone. 444 00:17:40,230 --> 00:17:42,590 You made him seem like a smutty seven-year-old schoolboy. 445 00:17:42,630 --> 00:17:44,750 By the way, let's see how Putin's getting on. 446 00:17:44,790 --> 00:17:45,790 Yeah, go on. 447 00:17:45,830 --> 00:17:47,030 How's he doing? 448 00:17:47,070 --> 00:17:48,230 Here we go, still going. 449 00:17:48,270 --> 00:17:52,270 "All right, mate? 450 00:17:52,310 --> 00:17:53,670 Just down the stairs, straight on. 451 00:17:53,710 --> 00:17:54,710 Keep going." 452 00:17:54,750 --> 00:17:57,790 It's been a busy week for the world's top men. 453 00:17:57,830 --> 00:17:59,910 President Xi of China, what's he been up to? 454 00:17:59,950 --> 00:18:00,950 Visiting Europe, isn't he? 455 00:18:00,990 --> 00:18:05,950 That's correct. 456 00:18:07,350 --> 00:18:08,350 Germany he was in? 457 00:18:08,390 --> 00:18:09,550 A state visit to France. 458 00:18:09,590 --> 00:18:10,590 France, yes. 459 00:18:10,630 --> 00:18:12,750 According to Reuters, China and France have now agreed 460 00:18:12,790 --> 00:18:14,910 a deal which should boost pork exports by 10%. 461 00:18:14,950 --> 00:18:15,910 Oh! 462 00:18:15,950 --> 00:18:16,990 Hold on. 463 00:18:17,030 --> 00:18:18,030 I know what's coming. 464 00:18:18,070 --> 00:18:19,470 Didn't someone else get here first? 465 00:18:19,510 --> 00:18:20,510 I know what's coming. 466 00:18:20,550 --> 00:18:23,150 In December, I'll be in Beijing, opening up new pork markets. 467 00:18:23,190 --> 00:18:28,150 APPLAUSE. 468 00:18:28,670 --> 00:18:29,790 It doesn't get any better. 469 00:18:29,830 --> 00:18:32,390 No! 470 00:18:32,430 --> 00:18:35,030 So to round two, it's time for the picture spin quiz. 471 00:18:35,070 --> 00:18:39,110 Fingers on buzzers, teams. 472 00:18:39,150 --> 00:18:41,070 BUZZ. 473 00:18:41,110 --> 00:18:42,510 Oh, yes, I saw this story. 474 00:18:42,550 --> 00:18:44,230 This is about hanging baskets, isn't it? 475 00:18:44,270 --> 00:18:45,270 In Cambridgeshire, is it? 476 00:18:45,310 --> 00:18:47,910 And suddenly they're not allowed to tie hanging baskets to lampposts 477 00:18:47,950 --> 00:18:50,510 because of the so called risk of having an electric shock. 478 00:18:50,550 --> 00:18:52,470 Health and safety gone mad. 479 00:18:52,510 --> 00:18:54,070 Health and safety gone mad. 480 00:18:54,110 --> 00:18:55,150 Yes, exactly right. 481 00:18:55,190 --> 00:18:57,110 Cambridgeshire County Council told residents that hanging floral 482 00:18:57,150 --> 00:18:58,230 baskets from lampposts is... 483 00:18:58,270 --> 00:19:00,310 ..and they can only do it if they attend... 484 00:19:00,350 --> 00:19:05,310 The President of the Chatteris in Bloom Floral Festival, Susan Unwin. 485 00:19:10,510 --> 00:19:15,470 Yeah. 486 00:19:15,550 --> 00:19:17,630 She's come up with a solution to this problem. 487 00:19:17,670 --> 00:19:19,230 Can you imagine what that might be? 488 00:19:19,270 --> 00:19:22,550 They're not going to hang any baskets. 489 00:19:22,590 --> 00:19:27,550 Well, she said she'll just hold them up herself. 490 00:19:28,630 --> 00:19:32,670 Good for her. 491 00:19:32,710 --> 00:19:34,590 Who else has made the news for complaining 492 00:19:34,630 --> 00:19:35,790 to the local council here? 493 00:19:35,830 --> 00:19:36,870 No? 494 00:19:36,910 --> 00:19:41,870 This is a serial complainer, David Fairchild, who has been dubbed... 495 00:19:45,590 --> 00:19:46,590 Here he is. 496 00:19:46,630 --> 00:19:48,750 He doesn't, in this picture, seem like a complainer. 497 00:19:48,790 --> 00:19:50,710 He seems so happy. 498 00:19:50,750 --> 00:19:53,590 He complained that a new complaints policy created by the local council 499 00:19:53,630 --> 00:19:54,630 unfairly targets him. 500 00:19:54,670 --> 00:19:57,510 He said the new policy allows them to limit communication with any 501 00:19:57,550 --> 00:20:02,510 parishioner who uses... 502 00:20:02,870 --> 00:20:07,830 {\an8}And how did David describe this policy? 503 00:20:11,950 --> 00:20:13,670 He said it was... 504 00:20:16,750 --> 00:20:19,470 That's Anthony. 505 00:20:19,510 --> 00:20:21,830 AUDIENCE GROANS. 506 00:20:21,870 --> 00:20:26,830 Oh, what? 507 00:20:28,470 --> 00:20:30,350 What complaints has David made to the council? 508 00:20:30,390 --> 00:20:31,390 No? 509 00:20:31,430 --> 00:20:32,430 No. 510 00:20:32,470 --> 00:20:33,470 Neighbours. 511 00:20:33,510 --> 00:20:34,550 He made 31 complaints. 512 00:20:34,590 --> 00:20:34,830 And then as a result of his complaints... 513 00:20:38,270 --> 00:20:39,710 And then as a result of his complaints... 514 00:20:44,470 --> 00:20:45,470 He's effective. 515 00:20:45,510 --> 00:20:46,790 Quite effective! 516 00:20:46,830 --> 00:20:51,590 Can he start complaining to the Tories tomorrow? 517 00:20:51,630 --> 00:20:56,590 Here's a picture of Mr Fairchild in his office. 518 00:20:57,110 --> 00:20:59,150 Surrounded by bottles of whisky, I'm going to guess, 519 00:20:59,190 --> 00:21:00,350 mainly drunk by his wife. 520 00:21:00,390 --> 00:21:04,470 So... 521 00:21:04,510 --> 00:21:07,110 You'll be getting a letter of complaint from her next week. 522 00:21:07,150 --> 00:21:08,150 We will, yes. 523 00:21:08,190 --> 00:21:09,190 All right. 524 00:21:09,230 --> 00:21:11,190 Time now for the odd one out round. 525 00:21:11,230 --> 00:21:13,750 Just one between you this week, they are North Yorkshire Council, 526 00:21:13,790 --> 00:21:15,670 Daniel Defoe, calligrapher Stephanie von Werthern-Gill and boulanger, 527 00:21:15,710 --> 00:21:18,230 Rodolphe Landemaine. 528 00:21:18,270 --> 00:21:19,470 RING. 529 00:21:19,510 --> 00:21:21,430 Isn't that the guy who has shocked France 530 00:21:21,470 --> 00:21:26,430 with his vegan croissant? 531 00:21:31,110 --> 00:21:32,710 Yes, it's actually kind of extraordinary, he's 532 00:21:32,750 --> 00:21:33,750 left the butter out. 533 00:21:33,790 --> 00:21:36,390 Everybody has left something out, so North Yorkshire in the news 534 00:21:36,430 --> 00:21:38,310 for leaving out the apostrophes on road signs. 535 00:21:38,350 --> 00:21:39,470 Ah, yes. 536 00:21:39,510 --> 00:21:40,510 Oh, OK. 537 00:21:40,550 --> 00:21:42,550 She is the woman who did the coronation roll. 538 00:21:42,590 --> 00:21:43,590 Yes. 539 00:21:43,630 --> 00:21:46,710 And there was a story about she didn't dot one of the I's. 540 00:21:46,750 --> 00:21:47,750 That's correct. 541 00:21:47,790 --> 00:21:50,390 Daniel Defoe, he used to be called Daniel Foe and then 542 00:21:50,430 --> 00:21:52,550 he shoved a "De" in. 543 00:21:52,590 --> 00:21:53,750 So he's added something in. 544 00:21:53,790 --> 00:21:54,790 He's added something in. 545 00:21:54,830 --> 00:21:55,990 That is the correct answer. 546 00:21:56,030 --> 00:21:57,070 Yes, well done. 547 00:21:57,110 --> 00:21:58,070 Well, we got there. 548 00:21:58,110 --> 00:21:59,110 APPLAUSE. 549 00:21:59,150 --> 00:22:00,150 Absolutely right. 550 00:22:00,190 --> 00:22:02,310 They've all left something out, apart from Daniel Defoe, 551 00:22:02,350 --> 00:22:04,950 who added the "De" to make him sound a bit more... 552 00:22:04,990 --> 00:22:05,990 Posh. 553 00:22:06,030 --> 00:22:07,030 ..aristocratic, a bit posher. 554 00:22:07,070 --> 00:22:09,190 So let's have a look at North Yorkshire Council. 555 00:22:09,230 --> 00:22:10,390 Yes. 556 00:22:10,430 --> 00:22:12,630 Because they actually have, as you say, removed some apostrophes. 557 00:22:12,670 --> 00:22:14,790 St Mary's Road, I think was one of them. 558 00:22:14,830 --> 00:22:15,830 That's right. 559 00:22:15,870 --> 00:22:18,230 St Mary's Walk, and viewers of a grammatical disposition now 560 00:22:18,270 --> 00:22:19,270 look away, because... 561 00:22:19,310 --> 00:22:20,310 Oh! 562 00:22:20,350 --> 00:22:21,350 Oh. 563 00:22:21,390 --> 00:22:22,470 AUDIENCE GROANS. 564 00:22:22,510 --> 00:22:23,470 Oh, no. 565 00:22:23,510 --> 00:22:24,470 Right, right, right. 566 00:22:24,510 --> 00:22:26,390 Yeah, that's a job for the Weasenham Whinger. 567 00:22:26,430 --> 00:22:27,430 There he goes! 568 00:22:27,470 --> 00:22:28,510 SIRENS, EXCITING MUSIC. 569 00:22:28,550 --> 00:22:30,150 How are the critics of this scheme 570 00:22:30,190 --> 00:22:32,790 getting their own back to try and sort of fix this? 571 00:22:32,830 --> 00:22:33,990 With a felt-tip pen, surely. 572 00:22:34,030 --> 00:22:35,430 Yeah, they're using permanent markers to... 573 00:22:35,470 --> 00:22:40,430 Phew! 574 00:22:44,230 --> 00:22:45,390 Look, here we go, look. 575 00:22:45,430 --> 00:22:46,590 There's the locals there, see? 576 00:22:46,630 --> 00:22:47,630 You see? 577 00:22:47,670 --> 00:22:52,630 Look at that. 578 00:22:59,070 --> 00:23:00,870 Why have they made this ridiculously unpopular decision? 579 00:23:00,910 --> 00:23:03,030 cos they've got an incredibly old computer system that 580 00:23:03,070 --> 00:23:04,070 can't handle apostrophes. 581 00:23:04,110 --> 00:23:05,150 Yeah, that's basically it. 582 00:23:05,190 --> 00:23:06,150 Yes. 583 00:23:06,190 --> 00:23:07,830 It causes confusion with their computer systems. 584 00:23:07,870 --> 00:23:10,950 I found out a couple of years ago that all British nuclear submarines 585 00:23:10,990 --> 00:23:13,670 run on Windows 98 and they can't update the operating system. 586 00:23:13,710 --> 00:23:14,630 Oh, my God! 587 00:23:14,670 --> 00:23:16,550 It's better if you don't think about it. 588 00:23:16,590 --> 00:23:18,710 I didn't know there were windows on a submarine. 589 00:23:18,750 --> 00:23:19,750 Did you know that? 590 00:23:19,790 --> 00:23:20,830 APPLAUSE. 591 00:23:20,870 --> 00:23:22,790 What did royal calligrapher Stephanie von Werthern-Gill leave 592 00:23:22,830 --> 00:23:26,110 out of the king's coronation roll? 593 00:23:26,150 --> 00:23:28,750 A dot on the I, or was it crossing a T? 594 00:23:28,790 --> 00:23:29,950 It was a single dot... 595 00:23:29,990 --> 00:23:31,630 It was an extraordinary piece of work. 596 00:23:31,670 --> 00:23:32,830 It stretches for 69 feet. 597 00:23:32,870 --> 00:23:35,230 It took her 56 continuous days to inscribe the 11,500 598 00:23:35,270 --> 00:23:36,910 words in copperplate, and it was unfurled 599 00:23:36,950 --> 00:23:37,950 in front of them. 600 00:23:37,990 --> 00:23:42,950 Charles commented that... 601 00:23:46,190 --> 00:23:49,950 AS KING CHARLES III: 602 00:23:49,990 --> 00:23:51,390 Speaking of going on for miles, 603 00:23:51,430 --> 00:23:52,830 let's have a look about Putin. 604 00:23:52,870 --> 00:23:54,310 Let's see where he's gone to. 605 00:23:54,350 --> 00:23:55,310 Go on, Vladimir. 606 00:23:55,350 --> 00:23:56,350 Come on, man. 607 00:23:56,390 --> 00:23:57,390 We believe in you! 608 00:23:57,430 --> 00:23:58,510 "Come on. 609 00:23:58,550 --> 00:23:59,630 Just through that door, mate. 610 00:23:59,670 --> 00:24:01,830 Straight on." 611 00:24:01,870 --> 00:24:04,470 Now, we were talking about the bloke with the vegan croissant. 612 00:24:04,510 --> 00:24:05,510 Yeah. 613 00:24:05,550 --> 00:24:10,510 Cookery teacher Olivier Boudot said... 614 00:24:11,870 --> 00:24:14,710 Yeah, they all have left something out, apart from Daniel Defoe who, 615 00:24:14,750 --> 00:24:17,110 you correctly identified, added something to his name to make 616 00:24:17,150 --> 00:24:19,350 himself more aristocratic. 617 00:24:19,390 --> 00:24:21,350 According to the Daily Mail, protesters in North 618 00:24:21,390 --> 00:24:22,430 Yorkshire are now... 619 00:24:22,470 --> 00:24:24,470 They're also chanting, "What do we want, question mark. 620 00:24:24,510 --> 00:24:25,670 "Our punctuation back, exclamation mark. 621 00:24:25,710 --> 00:24:27,590 "When do we want it, question mark, ellipsis. 622 00:24:27,630 --> 00:24:28,630 Now, full stop." 623 00:24:28,670 --> 00:24:33,630 Onto the coronation. 624 00:24:36,630 --> 00:24:40,830 At the end of the ceremony, King Charles is handed the... 625 00:24:41,190 --> 00:24:42,190 It's a bit mean. 626 00:24:42,230 --> 00:24:47,190 His mum got the whole chicken. 627 00:24:49,710 --> 00:24:52,310 It's time now for The Missing Words Round which, this week, 628 00:24:52,350 --> 00:24:55,910 features, as its guest publication, SUP Mag. 629 00:24:55,950 --> 00:24:58,550 This is the magazine for people who like to do stand-up 630 00:24:58,590 --> 00:24:59,990 paddleboarding in Britain's seas and rivers. 631 00:25:00,030 --> 00:25:04,990 And lucky for them, every issue now comes with a free packet of Imodium. 632 00:25:11,750 --> 00:25:12,750 We start with... 633 00:25:12,790 --> 00:25:13,790 Get anywhere. 634 00:25:13,830 --> 00:25:15,470 Take your paddle board on a plane. 635 00:25:15,510 --> 00:25:16,510 Yes, exactly! 636 00:25:16,550 --> 00:25:21,510 Well done. 637 00:25:28,430 --> 00:25:30,310 "Get a 14-foot paddle board on a plane. 638 00:25:30,350 --> 00:25:31,350 It isn't easy." 639 00:25:31,390 --> 00:25:34,230 This is Holly Pye who explains that if you're planning on flying 640 00:25:34,270 --> 00:25:35,270 with your paddleboard... 641 00:25:35,310 --> 00:25:37,430 Surely the paddleboard is the backup plan, isn't it? 642 00:25:37,470 --> 00:25:38,550 Next... 643 00:25:38,590 --> 00:25:40,630 It could be a special hornet from South Africa. 644 00:25:40,670 --> 00:25:41,670 South America. 645 00:25:41,710 --> 00:25:42,710 South London. 646 00:25:42,750 --> 00:25:43,910 It could be a cockchafer. 647 00:25:43,950 --> 00:25:48,910 Oh. 648 00:25:50,670 --> 00:25:52,510 What are they? 649 00:25:52,550 --> 00:25:57,350 Tight underpants, aren't they? 650 00:25:57,390 --> 00:25:58,950 Can you look it up? 651 00:25:58,990 --> 00:26:00,510 Can you look up "tight underpants"? 652 00:26:00,550 --> 00:26:05,510 Next... 653 00:26:05,950 --> 00:26:07,350 Rap artists currently on the scene. 654 00:26:07,390 --> 00:26:12,350 If only that were true, Ian! 655 00:26:14,910 --> 00:26:17,030 The first bit of that sentence was extremely current, 656 00:26:17,070 --> 00:26:18,950 but the second bit, "Currently on the scene." 657 00:26:18,990 --> 00:26:19,990 Yeah. 658 00:26:20,030 --> 00:26:22,190 Yeah, I lost confidence halfway through. 659 00:26:22,230 --> 00:26:23,190 One of top paddleboarders. 660 00:26:23,230 --> 00:26:25,230 Yeah. 661 00:26:25,270 --> 00:26:27,670 Well, it's one of the top paddleboards on the market. 662 00:26:27,710 --> 00:26:30,550 Yes, this is from an interview with the SUP Mag, Gavin Knox, 663 00:26:30,590 --> 00:26:31,590 who says he's been... 664 00:26:31,630 --> 00:26:36,590 Strong current. 665 00:26:38,590 --> 00:26:39,990 Finally, Lord Williams of Oystermouth thinks... 666 00:26:40,030 --> 00:26:41,830 Normal names. 667 00:26:41,870 --> 00:26:44,630 Something that happens in church. 668 00:26:44,670 --> 00:26:45,670 Hymns. 669 00:26:45,710 --> 00:26:46,710 Praying. 670 00:26:46,750 --> 00:26:47,790 Hymns, yes. 671 00:26:47,830 --> 00:26:52,790 Oh, hymns. 672 00:26:54,070 --> 00:26:55,910 It's saying that hymns sung today are boring. 673 00:26:55,950 --> 00:26:57,590 This is the previous archbishop, is it? 674 00:26:57,630 --> 00:26:58,630 That's right. 675 00:26:58,670 --> 00:26:59,670 Rowan Williams. 676 00:26:59,710 --> 00:27:00,710 He's now... 677 00:27:00,750 --> 00:27:01,910 Why's he call himself Oystermouth? 678 00:27:01,950 --> 00:27:03,830 I think it's just an affliction, isn't it? 679 00:27:03,870 --> 00:27:06,710 It's a bit gritty and he's got a pearl in one corner. 680 00:27:06,750 --> 00:27:07,750 That's it, yeah. 681 00:27:07,790 --> 00:27:11,910 And it's very difficult to open. 682 00:27:11,950 --> 00:27:14,550 The former Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, has said too many 683 00:27:14,590 --> 00:27:16,470 church services are accompanied by songs people hear 684 00:27:16,510 --> 00:27:17,510 at primary school. 685 00:27:17,550 --> 00:27:22,190 Nothing wrong with that. 686 00:27:22,230 --> 00:27:25,270 We cremated our Auntie Elsie to the tune of My Friend Billy Had 687 00:27:25,310 --> 00:27:29,270 a Ten Foot Willie. 688 00:27:29,310 --> 00:27:30,310 So... 689 00:27:30,350 --> 00:27:32,230 He didn't need a paddle board, did he? 690 00:27:32,270 --> 00:27:35,590 The final scores are... 691 00:27:35,630 --> 00:27:36,790 Ian and Helen have seven. 692 00:27:36,830 --> 00:27:39,750 Paul and Daliso, six. 693 00:27:39,790 --> 00:27:42,670 APPLAUSE. 694 00:27:42,710 --> 00:27:45,430 Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition. 695 00:27:45,470 --> 00:27:50,430 RAF cutbacks severely hit the Red Arrows display team. 696 00:27:51,830 --> 00:27:54,190 On which note, we say thank you to our panellists 697 00:27:54,230 --> 00:27:56,590 Ian Hislop and Helen Lewis, Paul Merton and Daliso Chaponda, 698 00:27:56,630 --> 00:28:01,470 and I leave you with the news that as record winds hit New York City, 699 00:28:01,510 --> 00:28:03,870 Donald Trump is told his wig may have blown further 700 00:28:03,910 --> 00:28:08,870 away than he thought. 701 00:28:11,230 --> 00:28:13,990 In Wakefield, one woman gasps in horror as she realises, 702 00:28:14,030 --> 00:28:18,710 out of politeness, she accidentally asked another question. 703 00:28:18,750 --> 00:28:21,910 And on a military exercise on the Rhine, one German recruit 704 00:28:21,950 --> 00:28:25,830 mishears the command, "Advance without the Panzers." 705 00:28:25,870 --> 00:28:29,830 Goodnight. 706 00:28:29,870 --> 00:28:34,830 APPLAUSE