This programme contains some strong language.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
Good evening.
Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
I'm Bill Bailey.
In the news this week - at a Labour conference
hotel breakfast bar, some disappointed customers
are told that the Honey Nut Loops are all gone.
On his first proper skiing holiday, Prince George is allowed to bring
along his working-class school friend.
And in Paris, the Irish Olympic team present organisers
with a last-minute suggestion for a new Games format.
AUDIENCE CHEERS.
APPLAUSE.
Oh, that's genius.
That is genius.
On Ian's team tonight is a journalist who once
wrote an article entitled What Happens When a Joke
is Followed by Silence.
And looking at the audience tonight, I don't think it'll be long
before we find the answer.
So please welcome Helen Lewis.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
And on Paul's team tonight is a comedian who last
appeared on this show opposite Helen Lewis with guest
host Bill Bailey.
Sorry, for a minute there I thought I'd nodded off
during a very long recording.
Please welcome Daliso Chaponda.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
So we begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
Ian and Helen, have a look at this.
Oh, local elections?
Boris being arrested?
There's a winner.
Aw, and there's a loser.
Yeah.
That's Rishi.
"I've won one seat."
And that's a defector.
Somebody forgot to cancel their Green Book subscription, I see.
Yes.
This is the news that the number of female mayors has for the first
time overtaken the number of mayors called Andy.
So...what did nobody see coming?
Well, everybody saw a Tory rout coming and it was
indeed a Tory rout.
Yes.
They lost 500 councillors.
They lost the West Midlands mayoralty, they lost
the Blackpool South by election and they lost their
passion for life, Bill.
Aw.
That's a shame.
And at the end of the evening, the Lib Dems had won more
councillors than the Tories.
Now that's BAD.
And they had a sort of defection as well, didn't they?
They did.
Natalie Elphicke.
Yes.
Let's have a look.
Yeah, there she is.
At the last minute, just before Prime Minister's
Question Time, she defected.
She crossed the floor, which is amusing cos she's the MP
for Dover and she's used to people crossing...
LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH.
And also she was about as welcome as a surprise
visit from Matt Hancock.
You sound like you're speaking from experience.
A lady never kisses and tells.
Of course, no.
But it was a surprise because she's defected to Labour and she's not
a sort of centrist Tory.
She's a sort of right-wing head-banger.
Yeah, she was a member of the European Reform Group.
Right.
She's really not considered anywhere near the Labour Party.
It doesn't seem to make any sense, does it?
And also, she says she's going to be standing down at the next election,
which will be in a few months.
Right.
So why is she doing it?
Is she actually defecting or is she a mole?
She's only an MP because she took the job over from her husband
because he was arrested and then found guilty of various
sexual offences.
Mm.
But not only did Natalie Elphicke, after her husband was found
guilty of these crimes, she took on the seat and she also
had a go at the victims...
Yeah.
..and said they were asking for it.
And then she and some other MPs tried to nobble the judge
by writing him letters.
Ooh.
Helen's just thinking "nobble" is a bit strong, isn't it?
They made representations to the judge...
To influence his decision?
Yes.
Go on, say it, Ian.
Say it.
LAUGHTER.
And she also said that her husband was, quote,
"An easy target for women..."
Because he was attractive.
Yes.
After he'd been convicted.
And she has now apologised for that...
She only apologised today.
Yes.
Bit late.
So she's not top recruit...
No.
..for a party.
I mean, if you were Keir Starmer, you could have said,
"That's lovely, but no."
Yeah.
This might be awkward for Shadow Chancellor Rachel Reeves.
They had a spat over Marcus Rashford, the footballer,
and his campaign for free school meals.
Yeah.
And I believe she said that Natalie Elphicke could eff off.
I think that's the words here.
Thanks for putting it up because I had no idea
what you were referring to.
No, I'm sorry.
The words are there now.
Dotting the I's, crossing the T's.
Exactly.
Yeah.
And this might also be awkward for Keir Starmer as well.
Why might that be?
He just looks a bit of a soft touch.
That's actually a very apposite description because Natalie Elphicke
has in the past repeatedly called him Sir Softie.
Ooh.
And this is how The Sun newspaper imagine that.
Like of 18th century ice cream.
Yeah!
That's right.
That's Elton John going to a party.
Keir Starmer's theory is that he needs to get all kinds
of people to vote Labour.
So getting the most bonkers right-wing person possible to join
the party can show what a broad church they are.
You see...
Could be you.
It could be you.
Yes.
Slightly to the right of Goebbels.
So anyway...
Aren't they little furry creatures?
Yes, that's right.
So, yeah, we're going back to the elections, right?
And what happened to one of the Andys, Andy Burnham?
He did well.
Yes.
Perfectly boring re-election.
Steamed it.
Never in question.
He's been re-elected as king of the north.
Look at this.
Hey, there he goes.
Oh, no, you see.
Oh.
Who would have thought an older man dancing would be
embarrassing like that?
LAUGHTER.
But what's interesting is, they've obviously had two
separate choreographers.
Yes.
Shocking.
Shocking behaviour.
There was a shock recount in the West Midlands mayoral contest
for the Tory incumbent Andy Street and, luckily, a third Andrew,
Andrew Mitchell, was unruffled.
Is Andy Street going to lose?
Where do you think it is?
Well, we know we know there's a recount.
So we know either that Andy Street has won or that he has nearly won.
LAUGHTER.
It's good, yeah.
LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH.
I like that.
Laura Kuenssberg shared on social media a bit of...
Well, she seemed to have some insight into the mayoral election.
Yes, it's going to be a very tight London mayoral election.
Oh, yes.
She was talking about Sadiq Khan and Tory mayoral hopeful
and possible crackpot Susan Hall.
She said in a tweet, "No votes have been counted yet,
"so hold on to your hats.
"But it's clear tonight that the race is much,
"much closer than some polls had suggested."
But in fact, it wasn't.
This was Sadiq Khan's victory speech.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
BOOING.
Thank you, London.
COUNTERING WHOOPS.
That was the Britain First candidate,
who was beaten by a bin.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
There's a lot of Count Binface
supporters in tonight.
And further north, who has become the keeper of the Scottish Seal?
John Swinney.
John Swinney, yes.
He's already had one go at it and it worked out so well they've got him
back again to be head of the SNP again.
Yes, it's John Swinney.
You're right, he's been sworn in as the new First Minister
of Scotland and is now keeper of the Scottish Seal.
Here he is.
That's him, just about to make a couple of waffles.
And what has reluctant taxpayer Nadhim Zahawi announced this week?
He's announced that he's going to be stepping down at the next election.
And in his resignation letter, he said that every morning,
as he shaves his head, he thinks about his
duty to his country.
Have you ever thought that?
I think of...
Do you have to shave your head every morning?
How do I know?
Well, how would I know?
Yeah.
How would I know?
I know.
APPLAUSE.
Well, that's right.
He's gone.
Well, he hasn't gone, has he?
Well...
He's just said he's going to step down.
But they never step down.
They all get a job somewhere, don't they?
They'll be a consultant on some...
Well, he might have a problem, because if you remember,
he was removed as chairman of the Conservative Party
because he hadn't mentioned when he was chancellor
that he was being investigated by HMRC.
It's the sort of thing you forget very easily when you're
Chancellor of the Exchequer, you're raising taxes
on other people.
But yours - ah-hoo!
Sorry.
What was that noise he made?
He's not quite as camp as that but...
But you are.
Yeah.
I got a letter from HMRC, right?
Yeah.
Ignore it.
No.
They wrote to me and they said, "Dear Mr Bailey, we noticed
"a suspicious drop in your earnings in 2020."
LAUGHTER.
Well, duh.
The letter to Baroness Mone says, "We noticed a suspicious raise..."
Yes, exactly.
And now, for all the latest news in the east of England,
let's go over to Shaun Peel, who seems to be operating
the autocue with his foot.
Charlie and Naga, thank you.
Good morning, I'm Shaun Peel.
In the local elections, it's been a bad night
for the Conservative...
AUDIENCE LAUGHS.
It's been a bad night for the Conservatives.
They have lost more than 30 councillors across the six
authorities where overnight counting took place.
In Peterborough, which recently...
AUDIENCE LAUGHS.
I do apologise, we seem to be having some
problems this morning.
One BBC presenter made a bit of a slip when she referred
to the top election expert John Curtice as Richard Curtis.
Although...
I mean, to be fair, the Tories had just lost
Notting Hill and Dibley East, so fair enough.
This week, top sword wrangler Penny Mordaunt tried to play...
GROANING AND LAUGHTER.
What?
Penny Mordaunt - the one that held the thing.
That's worse.
I know!
Penny Mordaunt played down rumours that she is to be...
"installed in Number 10 rather like a new boiler".
Others insist it could happen as soon as next Thursday,
although they can't say whether it will be morning or afternoon.
Paul and Daliso...
Yeah.
..take a look at this.
Right.
If I was a little bloke, I wouldn't walk through big doors.
That's the first thing I'll say.
Oh, look, why do they do that stupid walk?
Oh, hello, who's this?
Steven Seagal, is it?
Steven Seagal.
Bloke in the middle with the natural-looking hair.
Yes.
So this is, much to everybody's surprise, Vladimir Putin has become,
whichever he is, President, Prime Minister, lord and ruler
of Russia again, for the fifth time.
Yes.
A shock win.
A shock result.
Shocking, shocking.
And still all the pomp and circumstance...
They can do a rigged election pretty well, can't they?
Yeah.
Look, I'm African and they're top notch.
Yeah!
A whole other level.
Seagal - what was he doing there?
Steven Seagal, why was he there?
I love the fact that a washed-up action star is now a prop to Putin.
And I think we need more of this.
Each nation should have one as their champion.
Yeah.
There's a picture of Seagal there.
He has...
I mean, he's...
He has been on the old Just For Men, you know.
LAUGHTER.
Just For Raccoon.
I mean, it's...
I mean, he's just...
He looks a bit like Ming the Merciless.
He does!
There we go.
APPLAUSE.
I would say that Ming the Merciless' moustache, beard
and headgear are more convincing.
Yeah.
Putin had a very long walk to get to the ceremony.
Do you want to have a look at it?
Yeah, go on then.
Let's have a look at it.
So here he goes, around a corner.
"I walk there.
"So I walk down here."
Long walk...
Building up a big static charge on that carpet.
Rather reminiscent of a sequence in The Shining, I think.
Yes.
Well, we'll come back to that.
So did you notice anything peculiar in that ceremony?
Big doors.
Everything.
Yes.
The guards?
Two of them walking along.
Yeah.
They did something odd, though.
When he came through the doors...
They do a weird...
Yes, they look at him in a funny way.
Oh, I wouldn't be doing that...
Well, no, I mean...
ALL EXCLAIM.
Yeah.
It's a bit camp though, isn't it?
You know, it's like, "Ooh, look at him.
Who does he think he is?"
You know, it's...
There's another one of him coming through a door and this soldier does
a weird leaning thing here.
I mean, he might well end up being arrested for being tall.
Yeah.
Meanwhile, Putin is still on his long walk.
Yeah, go on, then.
Still going.
"Not far now, mate!"
He keeps changing the constitution, so at this rate, he's
still going to be in charge of Russia when he's 83.
Can you imagine any other country having...?
Staying with authoritative world leaders, what have we learned
about Donald Trump this week?
Way too much.
Yes.
Oh, God.
Like, this was, Stormy Daniels was cross-examined in the trial.
Yeah.
Spoke rather graphically about their sexual encounter.
Although the defence have successfully argued for some
of the salacious details to be withheld, so there's stuff we're
not allowed to hear.
Yeah, I mean, I listened to as much as there was, and...
LAUGHTER.
Why does it sound like a shamed admission?
Cos he acted some of it out.
A lot of detail was missing, so when Stormy Daniels spanked...
Yes.
..Trump with a rolled-up magazine, they didn't say which one.
Yeah.
That's true.
Someone said it was Forbes magazine and they said it wasn't them.
They've disowned the spanking incident.
I mean, all that marketing potential wasted on Forbes.
He said this week, "I've just found out who the witness is tomorrow.
"They didn't tell us who it was going to be.
"Here I am accused of having an affair with Stormy Daniels
"and who should turn up?"
LAUGHTER.
"That's the same woman!"
Did you hear how the BBC's correspondent Sarah Smith
described the mood?
He had to listen to her admit she had publicly
called him an orange turd.
And his lawyers didn't do him any favours,
because they asked, "Who did you mean when you said orange turd?"
Obviously Donald Trump!
And if he wears one of those orange suits,
his face will completely disappear, won't it?
It'll just look like an empty suit walking around.
But Trump's lawyers said the one thing we don't
want to discuss is genitalia.
And given that it's about whether they had sex or not,
I thought, this is going to come up, isn't it?
Yes.
AUDIENCE GROANS.
Oh!
Your joke!
Yours!
You did that.
Go on, get out!
Appalling.
Filth mongers.
The reasonable man speaking reasonably there.
Oh, yes, grow up.
Come on.
Grow up, everyone.
You made him seem like a smutty seven-year-old schoolboy.
By the way, let's see how Putin's getting on.
Yeah, go on.
How's he doing?
Here we go, still going.
"All right, mate?
Just down the stairs, straight on.
Keep going."
It's been a busy week for the world's top men.
President Xi of China, what's he been up to?
Visiting Europe, isn't he?
That's correct.
Germany he was in?
A state visit to France.
France, yes.
According to Reuters, China and France have now agreed
a deal which should boost pork exports by 10%.
Oh!
Hold on.
I know what's coming.
Didn't someone else get here first?
I know what's coming.
In December, I'll be in Beijing, opening up new pork markets.
APPLAUSE.
It doesn't get any better.
No!
So to round two, it's time for the picture spin quiz.
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
BUZZ.
Oh, yes, I saw this story.
This is about hanging baskets, isn't it?
In Cambridgeshire, is it?
And suddenly they're not allowed to tie hanging baskets to lampposts
because of the so called risk of having an electric shock.
Health and safety gone mad.
Yes, exactly right.
Cambridgeshire County Council told residents that hanging floral
baskets from lampposts is...
..and they can only do it if they attend...
The President of the Chatteris in Bloom Floral Festival, Susan Unwin.
Yeah.
She's come up with a solution to this problem.
Can you imagine what that might be?
They're not going to hang any baskets.
Well, she said she'll just hold them up herself.
Good for her.
Who else has made the news for complaining
to the local council here?
No?
This is a serial complainer, David Fairchild, who has been dubbed...
Here he is.
He doesn't, in this picture, seem like a complainer.
He seems so happy.
He complained that a new complaints policy created by the local council
unfairly targets him.
He said the new policy allows them to limit communication with any
parishioner who uses...
And how did David describe this policy?
He said it was...
That's Anthony.
AUDIENCE GROANS.
Oh, what?
What complaints has David made to the council?
No?
No.
Neighbours.
He made 31 complaints.
And then as a result of his complaints...
He's effective.
Quite effective!
Can he start complaining to the Tories tomorrow?
Here's a picture of Mr Fairchild in his office.
Surrounded by bottles of whisky, I'm going to guess,
mainly drunk by his wife.
So...
You'll be getting a letter of complaint from her next week.
We will, yes.
All right.
Time now for the odd one out round.
Just one between you this week, they are North Yorkshire Council,
Daniel Defoe, calligrapher Stephanie von Werthern-Gill and boulanger,
Rodolphe Landemaine.
RING.
Isn't that the guy who has shocked France
with his vegan croissant?
Yes, it's actually kind of extraordinary, he's
left the butter out.
Everybody has left something out, so North Yorkshire in the news
for leaving out the apostrophes on road signs.
Ah, yes.
Oh, OK.
She is the woman who did the coronation roll.
Yes.
And there was a story about she didn't dot one of the I's.
That's correct.
Daniel Defoe, he used to be called Daniel Foe and then
he shoved a "De" in.
So he's added something in.
He's added something in.
That is the correct answer.
Yes, well done.
Well, we got there.
APPLAUSE.
Absolutely right.
They've all left something out, apart from Daniel Defoe,
who added the "De" to make him sound a bit more...
Posh.
..aristocratic, a bit posher.
So let's have a look at North Yorkshire Council.
Yes.
Because they actually have, as you say, removed some apostrophes.
St Mary's Road, I think was one of them.
That's right.
St Mary's Walk, and viewers of a grammatical disposition now
look away, because...
Oh!
Oh.
AUDIENCE GROANS.
Oh, no.
Right, right, right.
Yeah, that's a job for the Weasenham Whinger.
There he goes!
SIRENS, EXCITING MUSIC.
How are the critics of this scheme
getting their own back to try and sort of fix this?
With a felt-tip pen, surely.
Yeah, they're using permanent markers to...
Phew!
Look, here we go, look.
There's the locals there, see?
You see?
Look at that.
Why have they made this ridiculously unpopular decision?
cos they've got an incredibly old computer system that
can't handle apostrophes.
Yeah, that's basically it.
Yes.
It causes confusion with their computer systems.
I found out a couple of years ago that all British nuclear submarines
run on Windows 98 and they can't update the operating system.
Oh, my God!
It's better if you don't think about it.
I didn't know there were windows on a submarine.
Did you know that?
APPLAUSE.
What did royal calligrapher Stephanie von Werthern-Gill leave
out of the king's coronation roll?
A dot on the I, or was it crossing a T?
It was a single dot...
It was an extraordinary piece of work.
It stretches for 69 feet.
It took her 56 continuous days to inscribe the 11,500
words in copperplate, and it was unfurled
in front of them.
Charles commented that...
AS KING CHARLES III:
Speaking of going on for miles,
let's have a look about Putin.
Let's see where he's gone to.
Go on, Vladimir.
Come on, man.
We believe in you!
"Come on.
Just through that door, mate.
Straight on."
Now, we were talking about the bloke with the vegan croissant.
Yeah.
Cookery teacher Olivier Boudot said...
Yeah, they all have left something out, apart from Daniel Defoe who,
you correctly identified, added something to his name to make
himself more aristocratic.
According to the Daily Mail, protesters in North
Yorkshire are now...
They're also chanting, "What do we want, question mark.
"Our punctuation back, exclamation mark.
"When do we want it, question mark, ellipsis.
Now, full stop."
Onto the coronation.
At the end of the ceremony, King Charles is handed the...
It's a bit mean.
His mum got the whole chicken.
It's time now for The Missing Words Round which, this week,
features, as its guest publication, SUP Mag.
This is the magazine for people who like to do stand-up
paddleboarding in Britain's seas and rivers.
And lucky for them, every issue now comes with a free packet of Imodium.
We start with...
Get anywhere.
Take your paddle board on a plane.
Yes, exactly!
Well done.
"Get a 14-foot paddle board on a plane.
It isn't easy."
This is Holly Pye who explains that if you're planning on flying
with your paddleboard...
Surely the paddleboard is the backup plan, isn't it?
Next...
It could be a special hornet from South Africa.
South America.
South London.
It could be a cockchafer.
Oh.
What are they?
Tight underpants, aren't they?
Can you look it up?
Can you look up "tight underpants"?
Next...
Rap artists currently on the scene.
If only that were true, Ian!
The first bit of that sentence was extremely current,
but the second bit, "Currently on the scene."
Yeah.
Yeah, I lost confidence halfway through.
One of top paddleboarders.
Yeah.
Well, it's one of the top paddleboards on the market.
Yes, this is from an interview with the SUP Mag, Gavin Knox,
who says he's been...
Strong current.
Finally, Lord Williams of Oystermouth thinks...
Normal names.
Something that happens in church.
Hymns.
Praying.
Hymns, yes.
Oh, hymns.
It's saying that hymns sung today are boring.
This is the previous archbishop, is it?
That's right.
Rowan Williams.
He's now...
Why's he call himself Oystermouth?
I think it's just an affliction, isn't it?
It's a bit gritty and he's got a pearl in one corner.
That's it, yeah.
And it's very difficult to open.
The former Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, has said too many
church services are accompanied by songs people hear
at primary school.
Nothing wrong with that.
We cremated our Auntie Elsie to the tune of My Friend Billy Had
a Ten Foot Willie.
So...
He didn't need a paddle board, did he?
The final scores are...
Ian and Helen have seven.
Paul and Daliso, six.
APPLAUSE.
Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
RAF cutbacks severely hit the Red Arrows display team.
On which note, we say thank you to our panellists
Ian Hislop and Helen Lewis, Paul Merton and Daliso Chaponda,
and I leave you with the news that as record winds hit New York City,
Donald Trump is told his wig may have blown further
away than he thought.
In Wakefield, one woman gasps in horror as she realises,
out of politeness, she accidentally asked another question.
And on a military exercise on the Rhine, one German recruit
mishears the command, "Advance without the Panzers."
Goodnight.
APPLAUSE