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This programme contains
some strong language.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
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Good evening.
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Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
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I'm Bill Bailey.
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In the news this week -
at a Labour conference
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hotel breakfast bar,
some disappointed customers
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are told that the Honey
Nut Loops are all gone.
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On his first proper skiing holiday,
Prince George is allowed to bring
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along his working-class school
friend.
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And in Paris, the Irish Olympic
team present organisers
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with a last-minute suggestion
for a new Games format.
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AUDIENCE CHEERS.
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APPLAUSE.
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Oh, that's genius.
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That is genius.
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On Ian's team tonight
is a journalist who once
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wrote an article entitled
What Happens When a Joke
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is Followed by Silence.
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And looking at the audience tonight,
I don't think it'll be long
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before we find the answer.
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So please welcome Helen Lewis.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
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And on Paul's team tonight
is a comedian who last
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appeared on this show opposite
Helen Lewis with guest
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host Bill Bailey.
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Sorry, for a minute there
I thought I'd nodded off
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during a very long recording.
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Please welcome Daliso Chaponda.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
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So we begin with the bigger news
stories of the week.
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Ian and Helen, have a look at this.
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Oh, local elections?
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Boris being arrested?
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There's a winner.
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Aw, and there's a loser.
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Yeah.
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That's Rishi.
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"I've won one seat."
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And that's a defector.
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Somebody forgot to cancel their
Green Book subscription, I see.
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Yes.
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This is the news that the number
of female mayors has for the first
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time overtaken the number
of mayors called Andy.
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So...what did nobody see coming?
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Well, everybody saw a Tory
rout coming and it was
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indeed a Tory rout.
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Yes.
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They lost 500 councillors.
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They lost the West Midlands
mayoralty, they lost
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the Blackpool South by election
and they lost their
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passion for life, Bill.
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Aw.
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That's a shame.
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And at the end of the evening,
the Lib Dems had won more
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councillors than the Tories.
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Now that's BAD.
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And they had a sort of defection
as well, didn't they?
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They did.
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Natalie Elphicke.
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Yes.
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Let's have a look.
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Yeah, there she is.
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At the last minute, just
before Prime Minister's
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Question Time, she defected.
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She crossed the floor,
which is amusing cos she's the MP
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for Dover and she's used
to people crossing...
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LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH.
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And also she was about
as welcome as a surprise
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visit from Matt Hancock.
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You sound like you're
speaking from experience.
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A lady never kisses and tells.
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Of course, no.
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But it was a surprise because she's
defected to Labour and she's not
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a sort of centrist Tory.
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She's a sort of
right-wing head-banger.
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Yeah, she was a member
of the European Reform Group.
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Right.
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She's really not considered anywhere
near the Labour Party.
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It doesn't seem to make
any sense, does it?
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And also, she says she's going to be
standing down at the next election,
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which will be in a few months.
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Right.
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So why is she doing it?
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Is she actually defecting
or is she a mole?
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She's only an MP because she took
the job over from her husband
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because he was arrested and then
found guilty of various
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sexual offences.
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Mm.
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But not only did Natalie Elphicke,
after her husband was found
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guilty of these crimes,
she took on the seat and she also
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had a go at the victims...
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Yeah.
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..and said they were asking for it.
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And then she and some other MPs
tried to nobble the judge
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by writing him letters.
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Ooh.
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Helen's just thinking "nobble"
is a bit strong, isn't it?
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They made representations
to the judge...
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To influence his decision?
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Yes.
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Go on, say it, Ian.
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Say it.
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LAUGHTER.
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And she also said that
her husband was, quote,
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"An easy target for women..."
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Because he was attractive.
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Yes.
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After he'd been convicted.
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And she has now
apologised for that...
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She only apologised today.
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Yes.
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Bit late.
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So she's not top recruit...
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No.
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No.
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..for a party.
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I mean, if you were Keir Starmer,
you could have said,
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"That's lovely, but no."
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Yeah.
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This might be awkward
for Shadow Chancellor Rachel Reeves.
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They had a spat over
Marcus Rashford, the footballer,
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and his campaign for
free school meals.
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Yeah.
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And I believe she said that
Natalie Elphicke could eff off.
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I think that's the words here.
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Thanks for putting it up
because I had no idea
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what you were referring to.
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No, I'm sorry.
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The words are there now.
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Dotting the I's, crossing the T's.
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Exactly.
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Yeah.
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And this might also be awkward
for Keir Starmer as well.
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Why might that be?
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He just looks a bit of a soft touch.
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That's actually a very apposite
description because Natalie Elphicke
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has in the past repeatedly
called him Sir Softie.
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Ooh.
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And this is how The Sun
newspaper imagine that.
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Like of 18th century ice cream.
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Yeah!
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That's right.
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That's Elton John going to a party.
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Keir Starmer's theory
is that he needs to get all kinds
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of people to vote Labour.
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So getting the most bonkers
right-wing person possible to join
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the party can show what a broad
church they are.
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You see...
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Could be you.
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It could be you.
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Yes.
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Slightly to the right of Goebbels.
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So anyway...
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Aren't they little furry creatures?
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Yes, that's right.
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So, yeah, we're going back
to the elections, right?
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And what happened to one
of the Andys, Andy Burnham?
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He did well.
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Yes.
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Perfectly boring re-election.
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Steamed it.
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Never in question.
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He's been re-elected
as king of the north.
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Look at this.
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Hey, there he goes.
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Oh, no, you see.
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Oh.
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Who would have thought an older
man dancing would be
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embarrassing like that?
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LAUGHTER.
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But what's interesting is,
they've obviously had two
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separate choreographers.
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Yes.
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Shocking.
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Shocking behaviour.
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There was a shock recount
in the West Midlands mayoral contest
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for the Tory incumbent Andy Street
and, luckily, a third Andrew,
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Andrew Mitchell, was unruffled.
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Is Andy Street going to lose?
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Where do you think it is?
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Well, we know we know
there's a recount.
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So we know either that Andy Street
has won or that he has nearly won.
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LAUGHTER.
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It's good, yeah.
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LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH.
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I like that.
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Laura Kuenssberg shared
on social media a bit of...
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Well, she seemed to have some
insight into the mayoral election.
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Yes, it's going to be a very tight
London mayoral election.
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Oh, yes.
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She was talking about Sadiq Khan
and Tory mayoral hopeful
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and possible crackpot Susan Hall.
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She said in a tweet,
"No votes have been counted yet,
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"so hold on to your hats.
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"But it's clear tonight
that the race is much,
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"much closer than some
polls had suggested."
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But in fact, it wasn't.
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This was Sadiq Khan's
victory speech.
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Thank you from the
bottom of my heart.
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BOOING.
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Thank you, London.
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COUNTERING WHOOPS.
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That was the Britain
First candidate,
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who was beaten by a bin.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
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There's a lot of Count Binface
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supporters in tonight.
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And further north, who has become
the keeper of the Scottish Seal?
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John Swinney.
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John Swinney, yes.
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He's already had one go at it and it
worked out so well they've got him
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back again to be head
of the SNP again.
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Yes, it's John Swinney.
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You're right, he's been sworn
in as the new First Minister
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of Scotland and is now keeper
of the Scottish Seal.
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Here he is.
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That's him, just about to make
a couple of waffles.
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{\an8}That's him, just about to make
a couple of waffles.
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{\an8}And what has reluctant taxpayer
Nadhim Zahawi announced this week?
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He's announced that he's going to be
stepping down at the next election.
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00:09:03,070 --> 00:09:05,430
And in his resignation letter,
he said that every morning,
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as he shaves his head,
he thinks about his
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duty to his country.
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Have you ever thought that?
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I think of...
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Do you have to shave
your head every morning?
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How do I know?
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Well, how would I know?
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Yeah.
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How would I know?
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I know.
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I know.
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APPLAUSE.
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Well, that's right.
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He's gone.
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He's gone.
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Well, he hasn't gone, has he?
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Well...
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He's just said he's
going to step down.
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But they never step down.
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They all get a job
somewhere, don't they?
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They'll be a consultant on some...
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Well, he might have a problem,
because if you remember,
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00:09:47,270 --> 00:09:49,390
he was removed as chairman
of the Conservative Party
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00:09:49,430 --> 00:09:51,390
because he hadn't mentioned
when he was chancellor
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that he was being
investigated by HMRC.
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It's the sort of thing you forget
very easily when you're
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Chancellor of the Exchequer,
you're raising taxes
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on other people.
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But yours - ah-hoo!
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Sorry.
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What was that noise he made?
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He's not quite as camp
as that but...
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{\an8}But you are.
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00:10:09,030 --> 00:10:12,390
Yeah.
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I got a letter from HMRC, right?
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Yeah.
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Ignore it.
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No.
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00:10:17,230 --> 00:10:21,630
No.
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They wrote to me and they said,
"Dear Mr Bailey, we noticed
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00:10:24,590 --> 00:10:26,430
"a suspicious drop
in your earnings in 2020."
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LAUGHTER.
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Well, duh.
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The letter to Baroness Mone says,
"We noticed a suspicious raise..."
267
00:10:37,550 --> 00:10:39,310
Yes, exactly.
268
00:10:39,350 --> 00:10:42,670
And now, for all the latest news
in the east of England,
269
00:10:42,710 --> 00:10:45,310
let's go over to Shaun Peel,
who seems to be operating
270
00:10:45,350 --> 00:10:46,510
the autocue with his foot.
271
00:10:46,550 --> 00:10:47,710
Charlie and Naga, thank you.
272
00:10:47,750 --> 00:10:48,910
Good morning, I'm Shaun Peel.
273
00:10:48,950 --> 00:10:51,070
In the local elections,
it's been a bad night
274
00:10:51,110 --> 00:10:53,710
for the Conservative...
275
00:10:53,750 --> 00:10:58,710
AUDIENCE LAUGHS.
276
00:11:06,190 --> 00:11:08,950
It's been a bad night
for the Conservatives.
277
00:11:08,990 --> 00:11:11,350
They have lost more than 30
councillors across the six
278
00:11:11,390 --> 00:11:13,910
authorities where overnight
counting took place.
279
00:11:13,950 --> 00:11:18,310
In Peterborough, which recently...
280
00:11:18,350 --> 00:11:23,310
AUDIENCE LAUGHS.
281
00:11:27,630 --> 00:11:29,750
I do apologise, we seem
to be having some
282
00:11:29,790 --> 00:11:34,750
problems this morning.
283
00:11:36,590 --> 00:11:39,390
One BBC presenter made a bit
of a slip when she referred
284
00:11:39,430 --> 00:11:41,750
to the top election expert
John Curtice as Richard Curtis.
285
00:11:41,790 --> 00:11:43,470
Although...
286
00:11:43,510 --> 00:11:47,390
I mean, to be fair,
the Tories had just lost
287
00:11:47,430 --> 00:11:50,150
Notting Hill and Dibley East,
so fair enough.
288
00:11:50,190 --> 00:11:52,590
This week, top sword wrangler
Penny Mordaunt tried to play...
289
00:11:52,630 --> 00:11:57,190
GROANING AND LAUGHTER.
290
00:11:57,230 --> 00:12:01,710
What?
291
00:12:01,750 --> 00:12:03,870
Penny Mordaunt - the one
that held the thing.
292
00:12:03,910 --> 00:12:04,990
That's worse.
293
00:12:05,030 --> 00:12:09,910
I know!
294
00:12:09,950 --> 00:12:12,350
Penny Mordaunt played down rumours
that she is to be...
295
00:12:12,390 --> 00:12:17,350
"installed in Number 10
rather like a new boiler".
296
00:12:17,830 --> 00:12:21,390
Others insist it could happen
as soon as next Thursday,
297
00:12:21,430 --> 00:12:25,950
although they can't say whether it
will be morning or afternoon.
298
00:12:25,990 --> 00:12:27,070
Paul and Daliso...
299
00:12:27,110 --> 00:12:29,790
Yeah.
300
00:12:29,830 --> 00:12:31,310
..take a look at this.
301
00:12:31,350 --> 00:12:34,630
Right.
302
00:12:34,670 --> 00:12:37,510
If I was a little bloke,
I wouldn't walk through big doors.
303
00:12:37,550 --> 00:12:38,950
That's the first thing I'll say.
304
00:12:38,990 --> 00:12:41,110
Oh, look, why do they
do that stupid walk?
305
00:12:41,150 --> 00:12:42,150
Oh, hello, who's this?
306
00:12:42,190 --> 00:12:46,270
Steven Seagal, is it?
307
00:12:46,310 --> 00:12:47,310
Steven Seagal.
308
00:12:47,350 --> 00:12:49,230
Bloke in the middle
with the natural-looking hair.
309
00:12:49,270 --> 00:12:50,270
Yes.
310
00:12:50,310 --> 00:12:52,910
So this is, much to everybody's
surprise, Vladimir Putin has become,
311
00:12:52,950 --> 00:12:55,070
whichever he is, President,
Prime Minister, lord and ruler
312
00:12:55,110 --> 00:12:56,750
of Russia again, for the fifth time.
313
00:12:56,790 --> 00:12:57,790
Yes.
314
00:12:57,830 --> 00:12:58,830
A shock win.
315
00:12:58,870 --> 00:12:59,870
A shock result.
316
00:12:59,910 --> 00:13:00,990
Shocking, shocking.
317
00:13:01,030 --> 00:13:02,590
And still all the pomp
and circumstance...
318
00:13:02,630 --> 00:13:04,990
They can do a rigged election
pretty well, can't they?
319
00:13:05,030 --> 00:13:06,030
Yeah.
320
00:13:06,070 --> 00:13:07,750
Look, I'm African
and they're top notch.
321
00:13:07,790 --> 00:13:08,750
Yeah!
322
00:13:08,790 --> 00:13:09,790
A whole other level.
323
00:13:09,830 --> 00:13:13,310
Seagal - what was he doing there?
324
00:13:13,350 --> 00:13:15,470
Steven Seagal, why was he there?
325
00:13:15,510 --> 00:13:18,990
I love the fact that a washed-up
action star is now a prop to Putin.
326
00:13:19,030 --> 00:13:20,910
And I think we need more of this.
327
00:13:20,950 --> 00:13:22,830
Each nation should have
one as their champion.
328
00:13:22,870 --> 00:13:23,870
Yeah.
329
00:13:23,910 --> 00:13:25,350
There's a picture of Seagal there.
330
00:13:25,390 --> 00:13:27,630
He has...
331
00:13:27,670 --> 00:13:30,510
I mean, he's...
332
00:13:30,550 --> 00:13:33,110
He has been on the old
Just For Men, you know.
333
00:13:33,150 --> 00:13:34,150
LAUGHTER.
334
00:13:34,190 --> 00:13:35,190
Just For Raccoon.
335
00:13:35,230 --> 00:13:36,230
I mean, it's...
336
00:13:36,270 --> 00:13:37,470
I mean, he's just...
337
00:13:37,510 --> 00:13:39,870
He looks a bit like
Ming the Merciless.
338
00:13:39,910 --> 00:13:40,910
He does!
339
00:13:40,950 --> 00:13:45,230
There we go.
340
00:13:45,270 --> 00:13:46,270
APPLAUSE.
341
00:13:46,310 --> 00:13:48,430
I would say that Ming
the Merciless' moustache, beard
342
00:13:48,470 --> 00:13:49,630
and headgear are more convincing.
343
00:13:49,670 --> 00:13:54,630
Yeah.
344
00:13:56,150 --> 00:13:58,750
Putin had a very long walk
to get to the ceremony.
345
00:13:58,790 --> 00:14:00,910
Do you want to have a look at it?
346
00:14:00,950 --> 00:14:02,350
Yeah, go on then.
347
00:14:02,390 --> 00:14:04,310
Let's have a look at it.
348
00:14:04,350 --> 00:14:09,110
So here he goes, around a corner.
349
00:14:09,150 --> 00:14:11,950
"I walk there.
350
00:14:11,990 --> 00:14:13,030
"So I walk down here."
351
00:14:13,070 --> 00:14:14,150
Long walk...
352
00:14:14,190 --> 00:14:16,310
Building up a big static
charge on that carpet.
353
00:14:16,350 --> 00:14:18,710
Rather reminiscent of a sequence
in The Shining, I think.
354
00:14:18,750 --> 00:14:19,750
Yes.
355
00:14:19,790 --> 00:14:21,270
Well, we'll come back to that.
356
00:14:21,310 --> 00:14:23,390
So did you notice anything
peculiar in that ceremony?
357
00:14:23,430 --> 00:14:24,430
Big doors.
358
00:14:24,470 --> 00:14:25,470
Everything.
359
00:14:25,510 --> 00:14:26,510
Yes.
360
00:14:26,550 --> 00:14:27,550
The guards?
361
00:14:27,590 --> 00:14:28,750
Two of them walking along.
362
00:14:28,790 --> 00:14:29,790
Yeah.
363
00:14:29,830 --> 00:14:30,830
Yeah.
364
00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:31,990
They did something odd, though.
365
00:14:32,030 --> 00:14:33,470
When he came through the doors...
366
00:14:33,510 --> 00:14:34,510
They do a weird...
367
00:14:34,550 --> 00:14:36,670
Yes, they look at him
in a funny way.
368
00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:38,110
Oh, I wouldn't be doing that...
369
00:14:38,150 --> 00:14:39,150
Well, no, I mean...
370
00:14:39,190 --> 00:14:40,190
ALL EXCLAIM.
371
00:14:40,230 --> 00:14:41,230
Yeah.
372
00:14:41,270 --> 00:14:42,910
It's a bit camp though, isn't it?
373
00:14:42,950 --> 00:14:47,910
You know, it's like,
"Ooh, look at him.
374
00:14:49,190 --> 00:14:51,310
Who does he think he is?"
375
00:14:51,350 --> 00:14:53,710
You know, it's...
376
00:14:53,750 --> 00:14:56,830
There's another one of him coming
through a door and this soldier does
377
00:14:56,870 --> 00:14:58,030
a weird leaning thing here.
378
00:14:58,070 --> 00:15:00,910
I mean, he might well end up
being arrested for being tall.
379
00:15:00,950 --> 00:15:01,950
Yeah.
380
00:15:01,990 --> 00:15:03,870
Meanwhile, Putin is
still on his long walk.
381
00:15:03,910 --> 00:15:04,910
Yeah, go on, then.
382
00:15:04,950 --> 00:15:06,150
Still going.
383
00:15:06,190 --> 00:15:09,430
"Not far now, mate!"
384
00:15:09,470 --> 00:15:13,750
He keeps changing the constitution,
so at this rate, he's
385
00:15:13,790 --> 00:15:18,750
still going to be in charge
of Russia when he's 83.
386
00:15:19,150 --> 00:15:23,630
Can you imagine any other
country having...?
387
00:15:23,670 --> 00:15:25,790
Staying with authoritative world
leaders, what have we learned
388
00:15:25,830 --> 00:15:26,990
about Donald Trump this week?
389
00:15:27,030 --> 00:15:28,030
Way too much.
390
00:15:28,070 --> 00:15:29,070
Yes.
391
00:15:29,110 --> 00:15:31,830
Oh, God.
392
00:15:31,870 --> 00:15:34,230
Like, this was, Stormy Daniels
was cross-examined in the trial.
393
00:15:34,270 --> 00:15:35,270
Yeah.
394
00:15:35,310 --> 00:15:36,950
Spoke rather graphically
about their sexual encounter.
395
00:15:36,990 --> 00:15:39,270
Although the defence have
successfully argued for some
396
00:15:39,310 --> 00:15:41,990
of the salacious details to be
withheld, so there's stuff we're
397
00:15:42,030 --> 00:15:46,430
not allowed to hear.
398
00:15:46,470 --> 00:15:49,310
Yeah, I mean, I listened to as much
as there was, and...
399
00:15:49,350 --> 00:15:51,550
LAUGHTER.
400
00:15:51,590 --> 00:15:55,150
Why does it sound like
a shamed admission?
401
00:15:55,190 --> 00:15:57,870
Cos he acted some of it out.
402
00:15:57,910 --> 00:16:01,790
A lot of detail was missing,
so when Stormy Daniels spanked...
403
00:16:01,830 --> 00:16:02,870
Yes.
404
00:16:02,910 --> 00:16:06,030
..Trump with a rolled-up magazine,
they didn't say which one.
405
00:16:06,070 --> 00:16:08,230
Yeah.
406
00:16:08,270 --> 00:16:09,830
That's true.
407
00:16:09,870 --> 00:16:12,710
Someone said it was Forbes magazine
and they said it wasn't them.
408
00:16:12,750 --> 00:16:13,870
They've disowned
the spanking incident.
409
00:16:13,910 --> 00:16:18,870
I mean, all that marketing
potential wasted on Forbes.
410
00:16:20,510 --> 00:16:23,590
He said this week, "I've just found
out who the witness is tomorrow.
411
00:16:23,630 --> 00:16:25,990
"They didn't tell us
who it was going to be.
412
00:16:26,030 --> 00:16:28,630
"Here I am accused of having
an affair with Stormy Daniels
413
00:16:28,670 --> 00:16:33,630
"and who should turn up?"
414
00:16:35,910 --> 00:16:36,910
LAUGHTER.
415
00:16:36,950 --> 00:16:38,310
"That's the same woman!"
416
00:16:38,350 --> 00:16:40,470
Did you hear how the BBC's
correspondent Sarah Smith
417
00:16:40,510 --> 00:16:43,230
described the mood?
418
00:16:43,270 --> 00:16:45,950
He had to listen to her
admit she had publicly
419
00:16:45,990 --> 00:16:50,950
called him an orange turd.
420
00:16:53,510 --> 00:16:56,590
And his lawyers didn't
do him any favours,
421
00:16:56,630 --> 00:16:59,470
because they asked, "Who did
you mean when you said orange turd?"
422
00:16:59,510 --> 00:17:01,790
Obviously Donald Trump!
423
00:17:01,830 --> 00:17:03,950
And if he wears one
of those orange suits,
424
00:17:03,990 --> 00:17:08,950
his face will completely
disappear, won't it?
425
00:17:13,590 --> 00:17:15,670
It'll just look like an empty
suit walking around.
426
00:17:15,710 --> 00:17:17,830
But Trump's lawyers said
the one thing we don't
427
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:19,230
want to discuss is genitalia.
428
00:17:19,270 --> 00:17:21,870
And given that it's
about whether they had sex or not,
429
00:17:21,910 --> 00:17:24,270
I thought, this is going to come
up, isn't it?
430
00:17:24,310 --> 00:17:25,310
Yes.
431
00:17:25,350 --> 00:17:26,350
AUDIENCE GROANS.
432
00:17:26,390 --> 00:17:27,390
Oh!
433
00:17:27,430 --> 00:17:28,470
Your joke!
434
00:17:28,510 --> 00:17:29,470
Yours!
435
00:17:29,510 --> 00:17:30,510
You did that.
436
00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:31,550
You did that.
437
00:17:31,590 --> 00:17:32,550
Go on, get out!
438
00:17:32,590 --> 00:17:33,630
Appalling.
439
00:17:33,670 --> 00:17:34,670
Filth mongers.
440
00:17:34,710 --> 00:17:36,270
The reasonable man
speaking reasonably there.
441
00:17:36,310 --> 00:17:37,310
Oh, yes, grow up.
442
00:17:37,350 --> 00:17:38,350
Come on.
443
00:17:38,390 --> 00:17:40,190
Grow up, everyone.
444
00:17:40,230 --> 00:17:42,590
You made him seem like a smutty
seven-year-old schoolboy.
445
00:17:42,630 --> 00:17:44,750
By the way, let's see
how Putin's getting on.
446
00:17:44,790 --> 00:17:45,790
Yeah, go on.
447
00:17:45,830 --> 00:17:47,030
How's he doing?
448
00:17:47,070 --> 00:17:48,230
Here we go, still going.
449
00:17:48,270 --> 00:17:52,270
"All right, mate?
450
00:17:52,310 --> 00:17:53,670
Just down the stairs, straight on.
451
00:17:53,710 --> 00:17:54,710
Keep going."
452
00:17:54,750 --> 00:17:57,790
It's been a busy week
for the world's top men.
453
00:17:57,830 --> 00:17:59,910
President Xi of China,
what's he been up to?
454
00:17:59,950 --> 00:18:00,950
Visiting Europe, isn't he?
455
00:18:00,990 --> 00:18:05,950
That's correct.
456
00:18:07,350 --> 00:18:08,350
Germany he was in?
457
00:18:08,390 --> 00:18:09,550
A state visit to France.
458
00:18:09,590 --> 00:18:10,590
France, yes.
459
00:18:10,630 --> 00:18:12,750
According to Reuters,
China and France have now agreed
460
00:18:12,790 --> 00:18:14,910
a deal which should boost pork
exports by 10%.
461
00:18:14,950 --> 00:18:15,910
Oh!
462
00:18:15,950 --> 00:18:16,990
Hold on.
463
00:18:17,030 --> 00:18:18,030
I know what's coming.
464
00:18:18,070 --> 00:18:19,470
Didn't someone else get here first?
465
00:18:19,510 --> 00:18:20,510
I know what's coming.
466
00:18:20,550 --> 00:18:23,150
In December, I'll be in Beijing,
opening up new pork markets.
467
00:18:23,190 --> 00:18:28,150
APPLAUSE.
468
00:18:28,670 --> 00:18:29,790
It doesn't get any better.
469
00:18:29,830 --> 00:18:32,390
No!
470
00:18:32,430 --> 00:18:35,030
So to round two, it's time
for the picture spin quiz.
471
00:18:35,070 --> 00:18:39,110
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
472
00:18:39,150 --> 00:18:41,070
BUZZ.
473
00:18:41,110 --> 00:18:42,510
Oh, yes, I saw this story.
474
00:18:42,550 --> 00:18:44,230
This is about hanging
baskets, isn't it?
475
00:18:44,270 --> 00:18:45,270
In Cambridgeshire, is it?
476
00:18:45,310 --> 00:18:47,910
And suddenly they're not allowed
to tie hanging baskets to lampposts
477
00:18:47,950 --> 00:18:50,510
because of the so called risk
of having an electric shock.
478
00:18:50,550 --> 00:18:52,470
Health and safety gone mad.
479
00:18:52,510 --> 00:18:54,070
Health and safety gone mad.
480
00:18:54,110 --> 00:18:55,150
Yes, exactly right.
481
00:18:55,190 --> 00:18:57,110
Cambridgeshire County Council told
residents that hanging floral
482
00:18:57,150 --> 00:18:58,230
baskets from lampposts is...
483
00:18:58,270 --> 00:19:00,310
..and they can only do
it if they attend...
484
00:19:00,350 --> 00:19:05,310
The President of the Chatteris in
Bloom Floral Festival, Susan Unwin.
485
00:19:10,510 --> 00:19:15,470
Yeah.
486
00:19:15,550 --> 00:19:17,630
She's come up with a
solution to this problem.
487
00:19:17,670 --> 00:19:19,230
Can you imagine what that might be?
488
00:19:19,270 --> 00:19:22,550
They're not going
to hang any baskets.
489
00:19:22,590 --> 00:19:27,550
Well, she said she'll just
hold them up herself.
490
00:19:28,630 --> 00:19:32,670
Good for her.
491
00:19:32,710 --> 00:19:34,590
Who else has made the
news for complaining
492
00:19:34,630 --> 00:19:35,790
to the local council here?
493
00:19:35,830 --> 00:19:36,870
No?
494
00:19:36,910 --> 00:19:41,870
This is a serial complainer, David
Fairchild, who has been dubbed...
495
00:19:45,590 --> 00:19:46,590
Here he is.
496
00:19:46,630 --> 00:19:48,750
He doesn't, in this picture,
seem like a complainer.
497
00:19:48,790 --> 00:19:50,710
He seems so happy.
498
00:19:50,750 --> 00:19:53,590
He complained that a new complaints
policy created by the local council
499
00:19:53,630 --> 00:19:54,630
unfairly targets him.
500
00:19:54,670 --> 00:19:57,510
He said the new policy allows them
to limit communication with any
501
00:19:57,550 --> 00:20:02,510
parishioner who uses...
502
00:20:02,870 --> 00:20:07,830
{\an8}And how did David
describe this policy?
503
00:20:11,950 --> 00:20:13,670
He said it was...
504
00:20:16,750 --> 00:20:19,470
That's Anthony.
505
00:20:19,510 --> 00:20:21,830
AUDIENCE GROANS.
506
00:20:21,870 --> 00:20:26,830
Oh, what?
507
00:20:28,470 --> 00:20:30,350
What complaints has David
made to the council?
508
00:20:30,390 --> 00:20:31,390
No?
509
00:20:31,430 --> 00:20:32,430
No.
510
00:20:32,470 --> 00:20:33,470
Neighbours.
511
00:20:33,510 --> 00:20:34,550
He made 31 complaints.
512
00:20:34,590 --> 00:20:34,830
And then as a result
of his complaints...
513
00:20:38,270 --> 00:20:39,710
And then as a result
of his complaints...
514
00:20:44,470 --> 00:20:45,470
He's effective.
515
00:20:45,510 --> 00:20:46,790
Quite effective!
516
00:20:46,830 --> 00:20:51,590
Can he start complaining
to the Tories tomorrow?
517
00:20:51,630 --> 00:20:56,590
Here's a picture of Mr
Fairchild in his office.
518
00:20:57,110 --> 00:20:59,150
Surrounded by bottles of whisky,
I'm going to guess,
519
00:20:59,190 --> 00:21:00,350
mainly drunk by his wife.
520
00:21:00,390 --> 00:21:04,470
So...
521
00:21:04,510 --> 00:21:07,110
You'll be getting a letter
of complaint from her next week.
522
00:21:07,150 --> 00:21:08,150
We will, yes.
523
00:21:08,190 --> 00:21:09,190
All right.
524
00:21:09,230 --> 00:21:11,190
Time now for the odd one out round.
525
00:21:11,230 --> 00:21:13,750
Just one between you this week,
they are North Yorkshire Council,
526
00:21:13,790 --> 00:21:15,670
Daniel Defoe, calligrapher Stephanie
von Werthern-Gill and boulanger,
527
00:21:15,710 --> 00:21:18,230
Rodolphe Landemaine.
528
00:21:18,270 --> 00:21:19,470
RING.
529
00:21:19,510 --> 00:21:21,430
Isn't that the guy
who has shocked France
530
00:21:21,470 --> 00:21:26,430
with his vegan croissant?
531
00:21:31,110 --> 00:21:32,710
Yes, it's actually kind
of extraordinary, he's
532
00:21:32,750 --> 00:21:33,750
left the butter out.
533
00:21:33,790 --> 00:21:36,390
Everybody has left something out,
so North Yorkshire in the news
534
00:21:36,430 --> 00:21:38,310
for leaving out the apostrophes
on road signs.
535
00:21:38,350 --> 00:21:39,470
Ah, yes.
536
00:21:39,510 --> 00:21:40,510
Oh, OK.
537
00:21:40,550 --> 00:21:42,550
She is the woman who did
the coronation roll.
538
00:21:42,590 --> 00:21:43,590
Yes.
539
00:21:43,630 --> 00:21:46,710
And there was a story
about she didn't dot one of the I's.
540
00:21:46,750 --> 00:21:47,750
That's correct.
541
00:21:47,790 --> 00:21:50,390
Daniel Defoe, he used to be
called Daniel Foe and then
542
00:21:50,430 --> 00:21:52,550
he shoved a "De" in.
543
00:21:52,590 --> 00:21:53,750
So he's added something in.
544
00:21:53,790 --> 00:21:54,790
He's added something in.
545
00:21:54,830 --> 00:21:55,990
That is the correct answer.
546
00:21:56,030 --> 00:21:57,070
Yes, well done.
547
00:21:57,110 --> 00:21:58,070
Well, we got there.
548
00:21:58,110 --> 00:21:59,110
APPLAUSE.
549
00:21:59,150 --> 00:22:00,150
Absolutely right.
550
00:22:00,190 --> 00:22:02,310
They've all left something out,
apart from Daniel Defoe,
551
00:22:02,350 --> 00:22:04,950
who added the "De" to make him sound
a bit more...
552
00:22:04,990 --> 00:22:05,990
Posh.
553
00:22:06,030 --> 00:22:07,030
..aristocratic, a bit posher.
554
00:22:07,070 --> 00:22:09,190
So let's have a look
at North Yorkshire Council.
555
00:22:09,230 --> 00:22:10,390
Yes.
556
00:22:10,430 --> 00:22:12,630
Because they actually have, as you
say, removed some apostrophes.
557
00:22:12,670 --> 00:22:14,790
St Mary's Road, I think
was one of them.
558
00:22:14,830 --> 00:22:15,830
That's right.
559
00:22:15,870 --> 00:22:18,230
St Mary's Walk, and viewers
of a grammatical disposition now
560
00:22:18,270 --> 00:22:19,270
look away, because...
561
00:22:19,310 --> 00:22:20,310
Oh!
562
00:22:20,350 --> 00:22:21,350
Oh.
563
00:22:21,390 --> 00:22:22,470
AUDIENCE GROANS.
564
00:22:22,510 --> 00:22:23,470
Oh, no.
565
00:22:23,510 --> 00:22:24,470
Right, right, right.
566
00:22:24,510 --> 00:22:26,390
Yeah, that's a job for
the Weasenham Whinger.
567
00:22:26,430 --> 00:22:27,430
There he goes!
568
00:22:27,470 --> 00:22:28,510
SIRENS, EXCITING MUSIC.
569
00:22:28,550 --> 00:22:30,150
How are the critics of this scheme
570
00:22:30,190 --> 00:22:32,790
getting their own back to try
and sort of fix this?
571
00:22:32,830 --> 00:22:33,990
With a felt-tip pen, surely.
572
00:22:34,030 --> 00:22:35,430
Yeah, they're using
permanent markers to...
573
00:22:35,470 --> 00:22:40,430
Phew!
574
00:22:44,230 --> 00:22:45,390
Look, here we go, look.
575
00:22:45,430 --> 00:22:46,590
There's the locals there, see?
576
00:22:46,630 --> 00:22:47,630
You see?
577
00:22:47,670 --> 00:22:52,630
Look at that.
578
00:22:59,070 --> 00:23:00,870
Why have they made this
ridiculously unpopular decision?
579
00:23:00,910 --> 00:23:03,030
cos they've got an incredibly
old computer system that
580
00:23:03,070 --> 00:23:04,070
can't handle apostrophes.
581
00:23:04,110 --> 00:23:05,150
Yeah, that's basically it.
582
00:23:05,190 --> 00:23:06,150
Yes.
583
00:23:06,190 --> 00:23:07,830
It causes confusion
with their computer systems.
584
00:23:07,870 --> 00:23:10,950
I found out a couple of years ago
that all British nuclear submarines
585
00:23:10,990 --> 00:23:13,670
run on Windows 98 and they can't
update the operating system.
586
00:23:13,710 --> 00:23:14,630
Oh, my God!
587
00:23:14,670 --> 00:23:16,550
It's better if you
don't think about it.
588
00:23:16,590 --> 00:23:18,710
I didn't know there were
windows on a submarine.
589
00:23:18,750 --> 00:23:19,750
Did you know that?
590
00:23:19,790 --> 00:23:20,830
APPLAUSE.
591
00:23:20,870 --> 00:23:22,790
What did royal calligrapher
Stephanie von Werthern-Gill leave
592
00:23:22,830 --> 00:23:26,110
out of the king's coronation roll?
593
00:23:26,150 --> 00:23:28,750
A dot on the I, or
was it crossing a T?
594
00:23:28,790 --> 00:23:29,950
It was a single dot...
595
00:23:29,990 --> 00:23:31,630
It was an extraordinary
piece of work.
596
00:23:31,670 --> 00:23:32,830
It stretches for 69 feet.
597
00:23:32,870 --> 00:23:35,230
It took her 56 continuous days
to inscribe the 11,500
598
00:23:35,270 --> 00:23:36,910
words in copperplate,
and it was unfurled
599
00:23:36,950 --> 00:23:37,950
in front of them.
600
00:23:37,990 --> 00:23:42,950
Charles commented that...
601
00:23:46,190 --> 00:23:49,950
AS KING CHARLES III:
602
00:23:49,990 --> 00:23:51,390
Speaking
of going on for miles,
603
00:23:51,430 --> 00:23:52,830
let's have a look about Putin.
604
00:23:52,870 --> 00:23:54,310
Let's see where he's gone to.
605
00:23:54,350 --> 00:23:55,310
Go on, Vladimir.
606
00:23:55,350 --> 00:23:56,350
Come on, man.
607
00:23:56,390 --> 00:23:57,390
We believe in you!
608
00:23:57,430 --> 00:23:58,510
"Come on.
609
00:23:58,550 --> 00:23:59,630
Just through that door, mate.
610
00:23:59,670 --> 00:24:01,830
Straight on."
611
00:24:01,870 --> 00:24:04,470
Now, we were talking about the bloke
with the vegan croissant.
612
00:24:04,510 --> 00:24:05,510
Yeah.
613
00:24:05,550 --> 00:24:10,510
Cookery teacher
Olivier Boudot said...
614
00:24:11,870 --> 00:24:14,710
Yeah, they all have left something
out, apart from Daniel Defoe who,
615
00:24:14,750 --> 00:24:17,110
you correctly identified,
added something to his name to make
616
00:24:17,150 --> 00:24:19,350
himself more aristocratic.
617
00:24:19,390 --> 00:24:21,350
According to the Daily Mail,
protesters in North
618
00:24:21,390 --> 00:24:22,430
Yorkshire are now...
619
00:24:22,470 --> 00:24:24,470
They're also chanting,
"What do we want, question mark.
620
00:24:24,510 --> 00:24:25,670
"Our punctuation back,
exclamation mark.
621
00:24:25,710 --> 00:24:27,590
"When do we want it,
question mark, ellipsis.
622
00:24:27,630 --> 00:24:28,630
Now, full stop."
623
00:24:28,670 --> 00:24:33,630
Onto the coronation.
624
00:24:36,630 --> 00:24:40,830
At the end of the ceremony,
King Charles is handed the...
625
00:24:41,190 --> 00:24:42,190
It's a bit mean.
626
00:24:42,230 --> 00:24:47,190
His mum got the whole chicken.
627
00:24:49,710 --> 00:24:52,310
It's time now for The Missing Words
Round which, this week,
628
00:24:52,350 --> 00:24:55,910
features, as its guest
publication, SUP Mag.
629
00:24:55,950 --> 00:24:58,550
This is the magazine for people
who like to do stand-up
630
00:24:58,590 --> 00:24:59,990
paddleboarding in Britain's
seas and rivers.
631
00:25:00,030 --> 00:25:04,990
And lucky for them, every issue now
comes with a free packet of Imodium.
632
00:25:11,750 --> 00:25:12,750
We start with...
633
00:25:12,790 --> 00:25:13,790
Get anywhere.
634
00:25:13,830 --> 00:25:15,470
Take your paddle board on a plane.
635
00:25:15,510 --> 00:25:16,510
Yes, exactly!
636
00:25:16,550 --> 00:25:21,510
Well done.
637
00:25:28,430 --> 00:25:30,310
"Get a 14-foot paddle
board on a plane.
638
00:25:30,350 --> 00:25:31,350
It isn't easy."
639
00:25:31,390 --> 00:25:34,230
This is Holly Pye who explains that
if you're planning on flying
640
00:25:34,270 --> 00:25:35,270
with your paddleboard...
641
00:25:35,310 --> 00:25:37,430
Surely the paddleboard
is the backup plan, isn't it?
642
00:25:37,470 --> 00:25:38,550
Next...
643
00:25:38,590 --> 00:25:40,630
It could be a special
hornet from South Africa.
644
00:25:40,670 --> 00:25:41,670
South America.
645
00:25:41,710 --> 00:25:42,710
South London.
646
00:25:42,750 --> 00:25:43,910
It could be a cockchafer.
647
00:25:43,950 --> 00:25:48,910
Oh.
648
00:25:50,670 --> 00:25:52,510
What are they?
649
00:25:52,550 --> 00:25:57,350
Tight underpants, aren't they?
650
00:25:57,390 --> 00:25:58,950
Can you look it up?
651
00:25:58,990 --> 00:26:00,510
Can you look up "tight underpants"?
652
00:26:00,550 --> 00:26:05,510
Next...
653
00:26:05,950 --> 00:26:07,350
Rap artists currently on the scene.
654
00:26:07,390 --> 00:26:12,350
If only that were true, Ian!
655
00:26:14,910 --> 00:26:17,030
The first bit of that sentence
was extremely current,
656
00:26:17,070 --> 00:26:18,950
but the second bit, "Currently
on the scene."
657
00:26:18,990 --> 00:26:19,990
Yeah.
658
00:26:20,030 --> 00:26:22,190
Yeah, I lost confidence
halfway through.
659
00:26:22,230 --> 00:26:23,190
One of top paddleboarders.
660
00:26:23,230 --> 00:26:25,230
Yeah.
661
00:26:25,270 --> 00:26:27,670
Well, it's one of the top
paddleboards on the market.
662
00:26:27,710 --> 00:26:30,550
Yes, this is from an interview
with the SUP Mag, Gavin Knox,
663
00:26:30,590 --> 00:26:31,590
who says he's been...
664
00:26:31,630 --> 00:26:36,590
Strong current.
665
00:26:38,590 --> 00:26:39,990
Finally, Lord Williams
of Oystermouth thinks...
666
00:26:40,030 --> 00:26:41,830
Normal names.
667
00:26:41,870 --> 00:26:44,630
Something that happens in church.
668
00:26:44,670 --> 00:26:45,670
Hymns.
669
00:26:45,710 --> 00:26:46,710
Praying.
670
00:26:46,750 --> 00:26:47,790
Hymns, yes.
671
00:26:47,830 --> 00:26:52,790
Oh, hymns.
672
00:26:54,070 --> 00:26:55,910
It's saying that hymns
sung today are boring.
673
00:26:55,950 --> 00:26:57,590
This is the previous
archbishop, is it?
674
00:26:57,630 --> 00:26:58,630
That's right.
675
00:26:58,670 --> 00:26:59,670
Rowan Williams.
676
00:26:59,710 --> 00:27:00,710
He's now...
677
00:27:00,750 --> 00:27:01,910
Why's he call himself Oystermouth?
678
00:27:01,950 --> 00:27:03,830
I think it's just an
affliction, isn't it?
679
00:27:03,870 --> 00:27:06,710
It's a bit gritty and he's got
a pearl in one corner.
680
00:27:06,750 --> 00:27:07,750
That's it, yeah.
681
00:27:07,790 --> 00:27:11,910
And it's very difficult to open.
682
00:27:11,950 --> 00:27:14,550
The former Archbishop of Canterbury,
Rowan Williams, has said too many
683
00:27:14,590 --> 00:27:16,470
church services are accompanied
by songs people hear
684
00:27:16,510 --> 00:27:17,510
at primary school.
685
00:27:17,550 --> 00:27:22,190
Nothing wrong with that.
686
00:27:22,230 --> 00:27:25,270
We cremated our Auntie Elsie
to the tune of My Friend Billy Had
687
00:27:25,310 --> 00:27:29,270
a Ten Foot Willie.
688
00:27:29,310 --> 00:27:30,310
So...
689
00:27:30,350 --> 00:27:32,230
He didn't need a paddle
board, did he?
690
00:27:32,270 --> 00:27:35,590
The final scores are...
691
00:27:35,630 --> 00:27:36,790
Ian and Helen have seven.
692
00:27:36,830 --> 00:27:39,750
Paul and Daliso, six.
693
00:27:39,790 --> 00:27:42,670
APPLAUSE.
694
00:27:42,710 --> 00:27:45,430
Before we go, there's just time
for the caption competition.
695
00:27:45,470 --> 00:27:50,430
RAF cutbacks severely hit
the Red Arrows display team.
696
00:27:51,830 --> 00:27:54,190
On which note, we say thank
you to our panellists
697
00:27:54,230 --> 00:27:56,590
Ian Hislop and Helen Lewis,
Paul Merton and Daliso Chaponda,
698
00:27:56,630 --> 00:28:01,470
and I leave you with the news that
as record winds hit New York City,
699
00:28:01,510 --> 00:28:03,870
Donald Trump is told his wig
may have blown further
700
00:28:03,910 --> 00:28:08,870
away than he thought.
701
00:28:11,230 --> 00:28:13,990
In Wakefield, one woman gasps
in horror as she realises,
702
00:28:14,030 --> 00:28:18,710
out of politeness, she accidentally
asked another question.
703
00:28:18,750 --> 00:28:21,910
And on a military exercise
on the Rhine, one German recruit
704
00:28:21,950 --> 00:28:25,830
mishears the command,
"Advance without the Panzers."
705
00:28:25,870 --> 00:28:29,830
Goodnight.
706
00:28:29,870 --> 00:28:34,830
APPLAUSE