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This programme
contains some strong language.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening, welcome
to Have I Got News For You.

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I'm Jason Manford.
In the news this week,

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at airport security, one man
regrets getting tetchy with staff

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as he's led off to have
a full body cavity search.

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LAUGHTER

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In Northampton, the culprit behind
a spate of vending machine thefts

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is finally tracked down.

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LAUGHTER

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And in Ashton-under-Lyne,
Angela Rayner slips out the back way

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as police try to interview her
about her housing arrangements.

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LAUGHTER

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On Ian's team tonight is a comedian
and former newsreader,

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one of whose earlier jobs was
working at the same radio station

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as Katie Hopkins. It was his job to
tell her when the sun had gone down

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and it was time to come out of the
coffin. Please welcome Glenn Moore!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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On Paul's team tonight is
a Labour MP whose childhood ambition

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was to be Prime Minister and has
therefore made several appearances

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on this show. Nice try,
but I don't think the public

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are going to
make the same mistake twice!

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Please welcome Jess Phillips MP!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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So we begin with the bigger
news stories of the week.

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Paul and Jess,
have a little look at this.<font color="#00ff00">Yes.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">Prince... "Oh, I can't stand the</font>
<font color="#00ff00">colour red. I can't stand red wine."</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">Yes, it's Prince Charles</font>
<font color="#00ff00">and Camilla.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">"Oh, it's the colour red again,</font>
<font color="#00ff00">I can't stand the colour red.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">"Everywhere I go there's</font>
<font color="#00ff00">the colour red. Why is this red?</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">"I can't stand the colour red."</font>

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LAUGHTER AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE

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So Charles unveiled the first
official portrait of himself as King

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by artist Jonathan Yeo.<font color="#00ff00">Yes.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Do you reckon the artist turned up,</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">opened his box and he was like,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">"I've only brought red,</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">"I've only brought red. God!"?</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">The fingers do look</font>
<font color="#ffff00">really unflattering.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">I know that he famously</font>
<font color="#ffff00">has sausage fingers</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">but they're really accentuated,</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">they're the only thing</font>
<font color="#ffff00">you can see apart from his face.</font>

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What do you make of it from an
artistic point of view, though,

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from the art world, what do you
think of it as a piece of art?

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<font color="#00ffff">It's a bit Freudy,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">it's a bit Bacony, it's a bit...</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">It's not Bacony, it's sausagey.</font>

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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They've been out
and they've vox-popped people.

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They've found out
what the general public think.

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This is some people
being bothered by a BBC reporter.

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<font color="#ffff00">Yeah, the red is quite disturbing.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">Oh, man, it's pretty red,</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">looks kind of like a massacre</font>
<font color="#00ff00">or something here.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Wow.</font> <font color="#00ffff">It's very red.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">That is quite red indeed.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">Yeah, that's unusual.</font>

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That's what the people think.

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What observation was made
by Times art critic Laura Freeman?

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<font color="#00ff00">I don't know, but, I mean,</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">presumably something other than it's</font>
<font color="#00ff00">red, which is what everybody says.</font>

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She said that blending
the figure of the King in

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with the background was...

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Bit harsh, innit?

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What suggestion did King Charles
come up with regarding the portrait?

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<font color="#00ff00">Burn it.</font>

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According to Jonathan Yeo,
Charles suggested including

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the butterfly...<font color="#00ff00">Oh, yes.</font>
..which is entering stage left.

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There you can see it.

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<font color="#00ff00">What's the life expectancy</font>
<font color="#00ff00">of a butterfly?</font> <font color="#ffff00">Short.</font>

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Couple of days, innit?

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LAUGHTER AND OOHING

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<font color="#00ff00">You did that. I didn't do that.</font>

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In other portrait news...<font color="#00ff00">Yes.</font>

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..why is Australia's richest woman,
mining billionaire Gina Rinehart,

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not happy?<font color="#00ffff">There's a portrait of her</font>
<font color="#00ffff">she doesn't like.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">Yeah, it's gotta be that, hasn't it?</font>

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And, to be fair, she's right.

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SHOCKED LAUGHTER

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SCATTERED APPLAUSE

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Wow!

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Back to the Royals. What else
has the King revealed this week?

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<font color="#ffff00">Oh, new warrants?</font> New warrants, yes.

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Not for Prince Andrew,
though, funnily enough.

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Er, no, Royal Warrants. The winners
and losers have been announced.

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Do you know which company
had its warrant renewed?

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<font color="#ffff00">Benson & Hedges.</font> Benson & Hedges,
has that gone as well?

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<font color="#ffff00">No, I don't know, I just assume.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">I just remember that had it.</font>

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Oh, I see.<font color="#ffff00">I presume they're against</font>
<font color="#ffff00">that sort of thing now.</font>

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I would say.
Well, definitely Charles.

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<font color="#00ffff">I don't think Camilla is.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">You're not wrong.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">I think it's gone to Marlboro Light.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">Duke of Marlboro Light, probably.</font>

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It's a company that possibly
irritated the King at one point.

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<font color="#00ffff">Oh, was it the Parker pen?</font>
There you go.<font color="#00ff00">The pen.</font> Parker pen.

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<font color="#00ffff">"The stinky ink pen! Ugh!"</font> Yes.

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Here it is.

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LAUGHTER

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<font color="#00ffff">I love the way</font>
<font color="#00ffff">that Camilla took over.</font> <font color="#ffff00">Yeah.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">Which is sort of what's happened</font>
<font color="#00ffff">in the last couple of months anyway.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">"All right. Bye, darling.</font>
<font color="#00ffff">I'll sign everything.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">"Here we go.</font>
<font color="#00ffff">Royal Warrant - Gordon's gin."</font>

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They've actually renewed the
Royal Warrant on the Parker pens.

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<font color="#00ffff">Oh. Camilla Parker Pen.</font>

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LAUGHTER
Hey, there we go!

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<font color="#00ffff">Thank you very much.</font> Very good.

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Here's their letter of thanks.

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Who didn't get a sausage?

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<font color="#00ff00">Wall's sausages?</font> No.<font color="#00ff00">No.</font> No.

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It was a butcher's shop
near Balmoral Castle

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lost its Royal Warrant. Owner
John Sinclair was baffled, saying...

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I think that
might be your answer, John.

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In a busy week, what did the King
not have time to do?

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<font color="#ffff00">Didn't see Harry, who came over,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">for some reason. I can't remember.</font>

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Invictus Games, I think.
<font color="#ffff00">Oh, is it the Invictus Games?</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">But, I mean,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">they were in the same city</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">at the same time.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">I'm often in the same city as my dad</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">and I don't go and see him.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">I mean, like, not every day.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Maybe he's going to pop in</font>
<font color="#ffff00">another time.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">Have you written a book about him</font>
<font color="#00ffff">called I Hate You?</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">I've written three.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">No, I don't hate my dad, just FYI.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Um...</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">I think Charles</font>
<font color="#00ff00">saw David Beckham instead.</font>

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Yeah, that's right.
<font color="#00ff00">No offence to my own son,</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">I would do the same.</font>

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And do you know
what they chatted about?

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<font color="#00ffff">Was it football?</font> No.

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<font color="#00ffff">Tattoos?</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">"I've got the Edinburgh Tattoo."</font>

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Bees.<font color="#00ff00">Bees?!</font>

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They chatted about bees.<font color="#00ff00">Bees.</font>
Where did Harry go next?

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<font color="#00ffff">Nigeria.</font> That's right, yeah.
<font color="#00ffff">He went on a royal tour.</font> Well...<font color="#ffff00">Oh!</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">That's that prince who emailed me!</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">They went on what wasn't a royal</font>
<font color="#00ffff">tour.</font> No, it was just a holiday.

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<font color="#00ffff">But it looked</font>
<font color="#00ffff">a lot like a royal tour.</font>

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Meghan did make a motivation speech,
as per.<font color="#00ff00">Mm.</font>

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What did she tell
a group of students?

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<font color="#00ffff">She said her daughter, Lilibet,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">had said to her,</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">"When I look at you</font>
<font color="#00ffff">I see you in me."</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">Is that right?</font> Yeah.<font color="#00ffff">Which is</font>
<font color="#00ffff">pretty good for a two-year-old.</font>

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Pretty good, isn't it?

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<font color="#00ffff">It just makes me feel</font>
<font color="#00ffff">my own children were a bit thick.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">The idea that a two-year-old</font>
<font color="#ffff00">said that.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">She said something with the word poo</font>
<font color="#ffff00">in it and then laughed.</font>

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That's what happened.
<font color="#ffff00">And if she didn't,</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">then take your kid</font>
<font color="#ffff00">to see a psychiatrist.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">What's wrong with them?</font>

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Finally, what did Sue and Judy
get up to on a lovely day out

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at the British Library?<font color="#00ff00">Oh!</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">This is the attempted attack</font>
<font color="#00ff00">on the Magna Carta, isn't it?</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">Just Stop Oil.</font> That's right.
<font color="#00ff00">Something about how the Magna Carta</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">stands for various freedoms and</font>
<font color="#00ff00">rights and those freedoms and rights</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">are being affected</font>
<font color="#00ff00">by the climate situation.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">But that's as much as I know.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">I think they were trying to</font>
<font color="#00ffff">get inside the case?</font> <font color="#00ff00">Really?</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">How big's the case?</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">It... I mean...</font> <font color="#00ff00">And how big</font>
<font color="#00ff00">were they?</font> Well, I'll tell you...

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<font color="#00ff00">They'll suffocate.</font>
<font color="#00ff00">They haven't thought this through.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">They haven't thought it through.</font>

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IAN LAUGHS

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It's one of the best attempts
to get into a box

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you've ever seen in your life.
Have a watch of this.<font color="#00ff00">Yeah.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">This is now bad pollution</font>
<font color="#ffff00">in London is.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">They're 30.</font>
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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So this is the portrait
of King Charles unveiled this week.

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According to The Sun...

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I don't know why -
if Charles didn't like it,

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he could get Kate
to tickle it up in Photoshop.

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Jonathan Yeo is an accomplished
royal portrait painter

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but I'm happy to say
he's no Rolf Harris.

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Jilly Cooper was given
a Damehood this week.

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Charles hosted the investiture
ceremony at Windsor Castle

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where Jilly Cooper was honoured.
Nervously, hesitantly,

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she knelt trembling
before the proud monarch...

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No, Jilly, stop!

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Ian and Glenn, take a look at this.

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<font color="#00ffff">Oh, that's some Tory voters</font>
<font color="#00ffff">just going through.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">And Rishi,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">or Keir Starmer's predecessor.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Can see Keir's head</font>
<font color="#ffff00">but nothing else.</font>

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JESS LAUGHS

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<font color="#00ffff">And that's the future.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">Rishi Sunak</font>
<font color="#00ffff">has got a new approach this week.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">Saying, "If you don't vote for me,</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">"there won't be someone like me</font>
<font color="#00ffff">in charge when war breaks out."</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">I think this is</font>
<font color="#00ffff">what used to be Project Fear.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">And he's now saying</font>
<font color="#00ffff">there's Russians, there's Chinese,</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">there's North Koreans,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">there's Iranians, you know,</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">who knew?</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">And therefore</font>
<font color="#00ffff">we should vote for him.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">I literally can't understand</font>
<font color="#ffff00">why he carries on.</font> <font color="#00ffff">Mm.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">He's got loads of money and,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">like, houses all over the place.</font>

190
00:11:03,270 --> 00:11:05,030
<font color="#00ffff">Yeah, so's Angela Rayner.</font>

191
00:11:05,070 --> 00:11:07,550
<font color="#ffff00">Oh!</font>

192
00:11:07,590 --> 00:11:10,190
<font color="#ffff00">Yes, it's the same - Angela Rayner</font>
<font color="#ffff00">and Rishi Sunak...</font> <font color="#00ffff">Yeah.</font>

193
00:11:10,230 --> 00:11:11,470
<font color="#ffff00">..exactly the same.</font>

194
00:11:11,510 --> 00:11:13,910
<font color="#00ffff">It's a principle, Jess.</font>
<font color="#00ffff">It not about quantity.</font>

195
00:11:13,950 --> 00:11:17,430
<font color="#00ffff">About honesty,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">dealing with these matters.</font>

196
00:11:17,470 --> 00:11:19,350
<font color="#00ffff">The week you announce</font>
<font color="#00ffff">a tax fraud enquiry</font>

197
00:11:19,390 --> 00:11:23,230
<font color="#00ffff">one of the people isn't coming</font>
<font color="#00ffff">entirely clean about the tax.</font>

198
00:11:23,270 --> 00:11:24,270
<font color="#00ffff">I'm just saying.</font>

199
00:11:24,310 --> 00:11:26,190
HIGH-PITCHED:<font color="#ffff00">But she is</font>
<font color="#ffff00">coming clean about it!</font>

200
00:11:26,230 --> 00:11:29,110
Why did you go so high there
with your voice?<font color="#ffff00">Because...</font>

201
00:11:29,150 --> 00:11:31,750
<font color="#ffff00">Because I am incensed.</font> <font color="#00ffff">Yeah!</font>
He said...

202
00:11:31,790 --> 00:11:33,430
Keir's going to actually excite you
with his six-point plan.

203
00:11:37,950 --> 00:11:40,550
Keir's going to actually excite you
with his six-point plan.

204
00:11:40,590 --> 00:11:45,550
<font color="#00ffff">Yeah, it used to be five</font>
<font color="#00ffff">but inflation's terrible.</font>

205
00:11:45,590 --> 00:11:48,390
Here he was in full flow yesterday.

206
00:11:48,430 --> 00:11:49,830
<font color="#ffff00">If you can't pay your bills,</font>

207
00:11:49,870 --> 00:11:51,950
<font color="#ffff00">if you can't buy a house,</font>

208
00:11:51,990 --> 00:11:54,110
<font color="#ffff00">these are huge changes...</font>

209
00:11:54,150 --> 00:11:55,670
<font color="#ffff00">Friendly little thing.</font>

210
00:11:55,710 --> 00:11:57,630
<font color="#ffff00">Um...</font>

211
00:11:57,990 --> 00:12:00,790
That's a strong man
we need in a time of crisis.

212
00:12:00,830 --> 00:12:03,950
<font color="#ffff00">Wasn't there an interview where</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Obama was being bothered by a fly</font>

213
00:12:03,990 --> 00:12:08,710
<font color="#ffff00">and he caught it?</font> Oh, yeah.<font color="#00ff00">Then</font>
<font color="#00ff00">there was that Boris Johnson one</font>

214
00:12:08,750 --> 00:12:11,990
<font color="#00ff00">where he then</font>
<font color="#00ff00">tried to chat up the fly.</font>

215
00:12:12,030 --> 00:12:16,830
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

216
00:12:16,870 --> 00:12:20,190
Jess, Keir - is he as much
of a right laugh as he seems?

217
00:12:20,230 --> 00:12:24,310
<font color="#ffff00">He's funner than Rishi Sunak. He</font>
<font color="#ffff00">told me to fuck off the other day.</font>

218
00:12:24,350 --> 00:12:27,630
Did he?<font color="#ffff00">Yeah, cos I was showing</font>
<font color="#ffff00">a level of sympathy to Rishi Sunak.</font>

219
00:12:27,670 --> 00:12:30,750
<font color="#ffff00">I was like, "I am starting to</font>
<font color="#ffff00">feel a bit sorry for him,"</font>

220
00:12:30,790 --> 00:12:32,670
<font color="#ffff00">and he was like,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">"Oh, fuck off, Jess."</font>

221
00:12:32,710 --> 00:12:36,230
Fair enough!

222
00:12:36,270 --> 00:12:37,750
APPLAUSE

223
00:12:37,790 --> 00:12:40,830
He did try a little zinger
against Rishi

224
00:12:40,870 --> 00:12:42,510
in Prime Minister's Questions
this week.

225
00:12:42,550 --> 00:12:43,670
He was planning to call him...

226
00:12:45,070 --> 00:12:47,070
Let's see how well it went.

227
00:12:47,110 --> 00:12:51,510
<font color="#ffff00">Mr Speaker, he must be the only</font>
<font color="#ffff00">tech bo...bu-bu-brother...</font>

228
00:12:51,550 --> 00:12:54,070
<font color="#ffff00">..who can't work a debit card</font>
<font color="#ffff00">or send an email.</font>

229
00:12:54,110 --> 00:12:58,390
GROANING

230
00:12:58,430 --> 00:12:59,830
<font color="#ffff00">You want to die, don't you?</font>

231
00:12:59,870 --> 00:13:01,470
<font color="#00ffff">Keir's not had a great week</font>

232
00:13:01,510 --> 00:13:05,030
<font color="#00ffff">cos Rishi Sunak has been able to</font>
<font color="#00ffff">make some quite good jokes</font>

233
00:13:05,070 --> 00:13:06,710
<font color="#00ffff">about, who is</font>
<font color="#00ffff">this completely awful person</font>

234
00:13:06,750 --> 00:13:09,430
<font color="#00ffff">who's just joined the Labour Party?</font>

235
00:13:09,470 --> 00:13:12,870
<font color="#00ffff">Who used to be, you know, in</font>
<font color="#00ffff">the Tory Party five minutes ago.</font>

236
00:13:12,910 --> 00:13:15,030
<font color="#00ffff">It does give you leverage.</font>
<font color="#00ffff">Was that depressing, Jess?</font>

237
00:13:15,070 --> 00:13:17,910
<font color="#ffff00">Yeah, a bit depressing.</font> <font color="#00ffff">Yeah. Anyone</font>
<font color="#00ffff">else you wouldn't like to welcome?</font>

238
00:13:17,950 --> 00:13:20,550
<font color="#ffff00">There's no way I can do this</font>
<font color="#ffff00">without it being libelous.</font>

239
00:13:20,590 --> 00:13:23,990
<font color="#ffff00">So...</font> <font color="#00ffff">Good, let's go!</font>

240
00:13:24,030 --> 00:13:27,910
<font color="#00ff00">It's for the room.</font>

241
00:13:27,950 --> 00:13:31,030
<font color="#ffff00">I tell you what, I'm do it in</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Parliament because then I'm safe.</font>

242
00:13:31,070 --> 00:13:35,030
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

243
00:13:35,070 --> 00:13:38,470
What do you think about having
Natalie Elphicke as a colleague?

244
00:13:38,510 --> 00:13:42,630
<font color="#ffff00">I find it problematic considering</font>
<font color="#ffff00">what she's said about the victims</font>

245
00:13:42,670 --> 00:13:47,630
<font color="#ffff00">of her ex-husband who was sent</font>
<font color="#ffff00">to prison for sexual crimes.</font>

246
00:13:49,990 --> 00:13:54,430
You got her to apologise for...
<font color="#ffff00">I did get her to apologise.</font>

247
00:13:54,470 --> 00:13:57,070
<font color="#ffff00">I don't know that she would see it</font>
<font color="#ffff00">in those terms.</font>

248
00:13:57,110 --> 00:14:00,590
<font color="#ffff00">Er...but that's how it happened.</font>

249
00:14:00,630 --> 00:14:03,670
<font color="#00ff00">Did she vote for you this week,</font>
<font color="#00ff00">with your motion?</font>

250
00:14:03,710 --> 00:14:05,350
<font color="#ffff00">She did vote with my motion.</font>

251
00:14:05,390 --> 00:14:07,990
<font color="#ffff00">And we won by one.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">And so people say to me...</font>

252
00:14:08,030 --> 00:14:11,910
There you go.<font color="#ffff00">People say, "Oh,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">it was Natalie Elphicke's vote."</font>

253
00:14:11,950 --> 00:14:15,990
<font color="#ffff00">That's not how maths works.</font>

254
00:14:16,030 --> 00:14:19,830
SINGULAR THEN SCATTERED APPLAUSE

255
00:14:19,870 --> 00:14:21,510
Er, if you're going to clap, clap.

256
00:14:21,550 --> 00:14:23,150
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

257
00:14:23,190 --> 00:14:28,150
<font color="#ffff00">Thanks.</font>

258
00:14:28,350 --> 00:14:30,190
What is Rishi Sunak
encouraging everyone to do?

259
00:14:30,230 --> 00:14:32,310
<font color="#00ff00">Grow their own vegetables.</font>
Grow their own vegetables.

260
00:14:32,350 --> 00:14:37,150
<font color="#ffff00">Vote Labour.</font>

261
00:14:37,190 --> 00:14:40,750
He says we're becoming too reliant
on foreign fruits and vegetables,

262
00:14:40,790 --> 00:14:43,870
so do you want to play a little
game?<font color="#00ff00">Yes, please!</font> <font color="#ffff00">Yeah.</font> <font color="#00ff00">Yeah.</font>

263
00:14:43,910 --> 00:14:46,750
The Mail produced a handy guide
to what foods should be eaten

264
00:14:46,790 --> 00:14:49,830
if you're patriotic.<font color="#00ff00">Right!</font> <font color="#ffff00">Oh!</font>
IAN LAUGHS

265
00:14:49,870 --> 00:14:54,630
<font color="#00ffff">Red, white and blueberry!</font>
SCATTERED CHEERS

266
00:14:54,670 --> 00:14:57,270
A big boo for no,
and a cheer for yes.<font color="#00ff00">OK.</font>

267
00:14:57,310 --> 00:14:59,910
That's what we're going to go for.
So here we are.

268
00:14:59,950 --> 00:15:02,070
Fried egg on toast
and a glass of milk.

269
00:15:02,110 --> 00:15:03,110
CHEERING

270
00:15:03,150 --> 00:15:04,150
Proper British.<font color="#00ff00">Yeah.</font>

271
00:15:04,190 --> 00:15:05,190
Ham.

272
00:15:05,230 --> 00:15:06,750
CHEERING
<font color="#ffff00">No.</font> Boo, it's boo.

273
00:15:06,790 --> 00:15:09,550
<font color="#00ffff">Is it foreign?</font> Yeah.<font color="#00ff00">Danish.</font>

274
00:15:09,590 --> 00:15:12,230
Avocado on toast,
patriotic and not patriotic?

275
00:15:12,270 --> 00:15:13,710
<font color="#00ff00">Boo!</font>
ALL:<font color="#00ffff">BOO.</font>

276
00:15:13,750 --> 00:15:15,310
Yeah, exactly. Foreign, foreign.

277
00:15:15,350 --> 00:15:19,670
<font color="#00ff00">Foreign muck.</font>

278
00:15:19,710 --> 00:15:21,830
<font color="#ffff00">When did we stop calling it</font>
<font color="#ffff00">an avocado pear?</font>

279
00:15:21,870 --> 00:15:24,950
You're ruining my game.<font color="#ffff00">Oh, sorry.</font>
Yeah, let me just play this game.

280
00:15:24,990 --> 00:15:28,230
<font color="#00ff00">I think the producers</font>
<font color="#00ff00">got there before you.</font>

281
00:15:28,270 --> 00:15:31,830
APPLAUSE
<font color="#ffff00">I apologise.</font>

282
00:15:31,870 --> 00:15:33,910
King prawns?

283
00:15:33,950 --> 00:15:36,190
AUDIENCE, UNCERTAINLY:<font color="#00ffff">Boo.</font>

284
00:15:36,230 --> 00:15:38,470
Boo, yeah, from Asia, boo.

285
00:15:38,510 --> 00:15:41,590
I mean, I'm going to get
cancelled for this. I can feel it.

286
00:15:41,630 --> 00:15:44,910
<font color="#ffff00">Just that.</font> Out of context,
I'm going, "Asia - boo!"

287
00:15:44,950 --> 00:15:48,030
Anyway, I could play that all night
but I've got to move on.

288
00:15:48,070 --> 00:15:50,990
So, this is Rishi Sunak
starting his election campaign.

289
00:15:51,030 --> 00:15:54,830
Meanwhile, the Tories have been
trying to undermine the defection

290
00:15:54,870 --> 00:15:57,270
of Natalie Elphicke to the Labour
Party, with one source revealing...

291
00:16:04,830 --> 00:16:07,390
Eventually, it was decided
she wasn't fit for such high office

292
00:16:07,430 --> 00:16:10,910
and nor was Natalie Elphicke.

293
00:16:10,950 --> 00:16:14,350
APPLAUSE

294
00:16:14,390 --> 00:16:16,270
This week, Dominic Cummings
gave the i newspaper

295
00:16:16,310 --> 00:16:19,710
his first major interview since
leaving Number Ten, which began...

296
00:16:23,750 --> 00:16:26,350
Hang on, I thought
his vision was terrible.

297
00:16:26,390 --> 00:16:31,350
APPLAUSE

298
00:16:31,710 --> 00:16:34,790
Time now for Round Two, and
inspired by the new royal portrait,

299
00:16:34,830 --> 00:16:38,590
we've commissioned our own artist
to paint some news stories.

300
00:16:38,630 --> 00:16:41,950
So, fingers on buzzers
for The Painting Spin Quiz.

301
00:16:41,990 --> 00:16:44,990
Here's your first time.

302
00:16:45,990 --> 00:16:49,230
BUZZER

303
00:16:49,270 --> 00:16:50,910
<font color="#00ff00">So this is the Donald Trump trial.</font>

304
00:16:50,950 --> 00:16:53,070
<font color="#00ff00">Michael Cohen, who used to be</font>
<font color="#00ff00">Donald Trump's fixer</font>

305
00:16:53,110 --> 00:16:56,030
<font color="#00ff00">is now trying to fix him</font>
<font color="#00ff00">in another way.</font>

306
00:16:56,070 --> 00:16:57,950
<font color="#00ff00">And there's going to be</font>
<font color="#00ff00">a presidential debate.</font>

307
00:16:57,990 --> 00:16:59,870
<font color="#00ff00">Joe Biden has insisted</font>
<font color="#00ff00">that there's no audience</font>

308
00:16:59,910 --> 00:17:02,310
<font color="#00ff00">and also that</font>
<font color="#00ff00">when it's not your turn to talk,</font>

309
00:17:02,350 --> 00:17:03,950
<font color="#00ff00">the microphone will be turned off,</font>
<font color="#00ff00">which I think...</font>

310
00:17:07,710 --> 00:17:10,150
<font color="#00ff00">..and also...</font>

311
00:17:11,790 --> 00:17:13,190
<font color="#00ff00">It's going to be grand entertainment</font>

312
00:17:13,230 --> 00:17:14,950
<font color="#00ff00">cos Donald Trump</font>
<font color="#00ff00">is seriously losing it.</font>

313
00:17:14,990 --> 00:17:17,830
<font color="#00ff00">He made a speech the other</font>
<font color="#00ff00">day at one of his rallies,</font>

314
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:19,950
<font color="#00ff00">he complimented the late, great</font>
<font color="#00ff00">Hannibal Lecter.</font> <font color="#00ffff">Mm.</font>

315
00:17:19,990 --> 00:17:22,830
That's right.<font color="#00ff00">And also he said</font>
<font color="#00ff00">it was from his favourite film,</font>

316
00:17:22,870 --> 00:17:25,710
<font color="#00ff00">The Silence Of The Lamb.</font>

317
00:17:25,750 --> 00:17:27,630
<font color="#00ff00">Along with his other</font>
<font color="#00ff00">favourite films, Star War,</font>

318
00:17:27,670 --> 00:17:29,030
<font color="#00ff00">Austin Power,</font>

319
00:17:29,070 --> 00:17:33,550
<font color="#00ff00">and The Magnificent Six.</font>

320
00:17:33,590 --> 00:17:37,390
Do you want to see the clip?<font color="#00ff00">Yes,</font>
<font color="#00ff00">go for it.</font> <font color="#00ffff">Yes, please.</font> Here we go.

321
00:17:37,430 --> 00:17:39,670
<font color="#ffff00">Silence Of The Lamb, has anyone</font>
<font color="#ffff00">ever seen The Silence Of The Lambs?</font>

322
00:17:40,430 --> 00:17:44,470
<font color="#ffff00">The late, great Hannibal Lecter</font>
<font color="#ffff00">is a wonderful man,</font>

323
00:17:44,510 --> 00:17:47,590
<font color="#ffff00">he oftentimes would have a friend</font>
<font color="#ffff00">for dinner. Remember the last scene?</font>

324
00:17:47,630 --> 00:17:49,990
<font color="#ffff00">"Excuse me, I'm about to have</font>
<font color="#ffff00">a friend for dinner,"</font>

325
00:17:50,030 --> 00:17:52,830
<font color="#ffff00">as this poor doctor walked by.</font>

326
00:17:52,870 --> 00:17:55,710
<font color="#ffff00">I'm about to have a friend</font>
<font color="#ffff00">for dinner, but Hannibal Lecter,</font>

327
00:17:55,750 --> 00:17:59,310
<font color="#ffff00">congratulations,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">the late, great Hannibal Lecter.</font>

328
00:18:01,230 --> 00:18:03,350
<font color="#00ff00">You can trace Donald Trump's hold</font>
<font color="#00ff00">over his supporters</font>

329
00:18:03,390 --> 00:18:05,470
<font color="#00ff00">by looking</font>
<font color="#00ff00">at the people in the background.</font>

330
00:18:05,510 --> 00:18:07,870
<font color="#00ff00">Like, three or four years ago,</font>
<font color="#00ff00">they were all cheering,</font>

331
00:18:07,910 --> 00:18:10,590
<font color="#00ff00">now they look completely confused.</font>

332
00:18:10,630 --> 00:18:13,150
<font color="#ffff00">Is he just into every baddie</font>
<font color="#ffff00">from every movie?</font>

333
00:18:13,190 --> 00:18:15,310
AS TRUMP:<font color="#ffff00">The great shark, Jaws.</font>

334
00:18:15,350 --> 00:18:17,550
<font color="#ffff00">We love him</font>
<font color="#ffff00">cos he's great and he's white.</font>

335
00:18:17,590 --> 00:18:21,270
APPLAUSE

336
00:18:21,310 --> 00:18:22,550
This week,
81-year-old President Biden

337
00:18:22,590 --> 00:18:27,150
and 77-year-old Donald Trump agreed
to a televised head-to-head debate.

338
00:18:27,190 --> 00:18:28,750
Yes, just two men, two microphones,

339
00:18:28,790 --> 00:18:32,190
one defibrillator.

340
00:18:32,230 --> 00:18:36,230
APPLAUSE

341
00:18:36,270 --> 00:18:37,670
All right, fingers on buzzers,
teams.

342
00:18:37,710 --> 00:18:41,470
Last one, here we go.
The masterpiece.

343
00:18:41,510 --> 00:18:42,670
BUZZER

344
00:18:42,710 --> 00:18:46,190
<font color="#00ff00">Right, this is Tottenham</font>
<font color="#00ff00">versus Manchester City, I think.</font>

345
00:18:46,230 --> 00:18:48,590
<font color="#00ff00">And Manchester City</font>
<font color="#00ff00">were playing at Spurs,</font>

346
00:18:48,630 --> 00:18:51,510
<font color="#00ff00">and Arsenal are challenging</font>
<font color="#00ff00">Manchester City for the title.</font>

347
00:18:51,550 --> 00:18:54,870
<font color="#00ff00">It was thought by a lot of Spurs</font>
<font color="#00ff00">fans wanted their team to lose</font>

348
00:18:54,910 --> 00:18:57,830
<font color="#00ff00">to stop Arsenal from winning</font>
<font color="#00ff00">the Championship.</font>

349
00:18:57,870 --> 00:19:01,150
That's exactly right, yeah.
<font color="#00ffff">Could you explain it again?</font>

350
00:19:01,190 --> 00:19:05,030
<font color="#00ff00">The Royal Engineers were playing</font>
<font color="#00ff00">the Corinthians...</font> <font color="#00ffff">Ah, excellent.</font>

351
00:19:05,070 --> 00:19:09,230
<font color="#00ffff">That's a proper match.</font>
<font color="#00ff00">A proper match, yes.</font>

352
00:19:09,270 --> 00:19:11,390
Before the game, what did
Australian manager of Spurs

353
00:19:11,430 --> 00:19:13,350
Ange Postecoglou say
to journalists who asked him

354
00:19:13,390 --> 00:19:16,430
if he thought the home crowd would
actually want to lose the game

355
00:19:16,470 --> 00:19:18,470
to stop Arsenal winning?
<font color="#00ff00">Well, he said...</font>

356
00:19:18,510 --> 00:19:20,870
VAGUELY AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:<font color="#00ff00">.."No,</font>
<font color="#00ff00">I don't think any true Spurs..."</font>

357
00:19:20,910 --> 00:19:23,190
<font color="#00ff00">Why is he talking</font>
<font color="#00ff00">in South African accent?</font>

358
00:19:23,230 --> 00:19:26,070
<font color="#00ff00">He said, "I don't think any true</font>
<font color="#00ff00">football fan would want that."</font>

359
00:19:26,110 --> 00:19:27,070
Yeah, he said...

360
00:19:35,470 --> 00:19:37,950
..to which a Spurs fan
immediately tweeted...

361
00:19:48,390 --> 00:19:51,230
The Tottenham fans switched
allegiance from their own side

362
00:19:51,270 --> 00:19:53,630
to Man City, shamelessly supporting
whoever seems likely to win.

363
00:19:53,670 --> 00:19:55,990
Who'd do that, eh?

364
00:19:56,030 --> 00:20:00,990
APPLAUSE

365
00:20:01,990 --> 00:20:05,550
Time now for The Odd One Out round.
And just one between you this week.

366
00:20:05,590 --> 00:20:06,710
They are...

367
00:20:06,750 --> 00:20:08,510
Van Halen,

368
00:20:08,550 --> 00:20:10,470
tax lawyer Daniel Neidle,

369
00:20:10,510 --> 00:20:11,910
the National Cyber Security Centre,

370
00:20:11,950 --> 00:20:13,910
and Bambi Thug.

371
00:20:13,950 --> 00:20:15,590
BELL

372
00:20:15,630 --> 00:20:17,910
<font color="#00ffff">Bambi Thug is a very</font>
<font color="#00ffff">well-known singer...</font>

373
00:20:17,950 --> 00:20:20,030
This week.

374
00:20:20,070 --> 00:20:25,030
<font color="#00ffff">..who plays for Tottenham.</font>

375
00:20:25,270 --> 00:20:27,350
<font color="#00ffff">No, she was on Eurovision.</font>

376
00:20:27,390 --> 00:20:29,350
<font color="#00ff00">Yes.</font> <font color="#ffff00">She was the Irish entry.</font> <font color="#00ff00">Yes.</font>

377
00:20:29,390 --> 00:20:32,830
<font color="#00ffff">And there was trouble. She had</font>
<font color="#00ffff">messages hidden in her tattoos.</font>

378
00:20:32,870 --> 00:20:34,550
JESS:<font color="#ffff00">Oh, did she? There you go.</font>

379
00:20:34,590 --> 00:20:36,430
<font color="#00ff00">She is subtle, isn't she?</font> <font color="#00ffff">Yeah.</font>

380
00:20:36,470 --> 00:20:39,070
<font color="#00ffff">Um, is that right? During...?</font>
That is correct, yes. Well done.

381
00:20:39,110 --> 00:20:40,710
<font color="#00ffff">And who's he? He's a lawyer.</font>

382
00:20:40,750 --> 00:20:43,630
JESS:<font color="#ffff00">He is a tax lawyer</font>
<font color="#ffff00">and he often goes on Twitter</font>

383
00:20:43,670 --> 00:20:47,790
<font color="#ffff00">and breaks down the actual tax law</font>
<font color="#ffff00">for people to understand.</font>

384
00:20:47,830 --> 00:20:50,630
GLENN:<font color="#ffff00">He did, like, a prank</font>
<font color="#ffff00">involving red wine.</font> Go on.

385
00:20:50,670 --> 00:20:54,590
<font color="#ffff00">It was like a way of checking</font>
<font color="#ffff00">if people read through documents,</font>

386
00:20:54,630 --> 00:20:57,310
<font color="#ffff00">like, reading through</font>
<font color="#ffff00">terms and conditions.</font> Yeah.

387
00:20:57,350 --> 00:21:00,310
<font color="#ffff00">That he basically put,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">like, a free fancy wine...</font>

388
00:21:00,350 --> 00:21:03,190
<font color="#00ffff">In the middle of someone's...?</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Just to see if they read it,</font>

389
00:21:03,230 --> 00:21:05,830
<font color="#ffff00">and it's only just been claimed.</font>
Yeah, that's correct, well done.

390
00:21:05,870 --> 00:21:07,990
<font color="#00ff00">Van Halen's the odd one out.</font>
Why is that?

391
00:21:08,030 --> 00:21:10,150
<font color="#00ff00">They're famous for</font>
<font color="#00ff00">asking for a bowl of Smarties</font>

392
00:21:10,190 --> 00:21:12,310
<font color="#00ff00">but having all</font>
<font color="#00ff00">the red ones taken out.</font> Yes.

393
00:21:12,350 --> 00:21:14,950
<font color="#ffff00">Van Halen said the only reason</font>
<font color="#ffff00">that they did that...</font> <font color="#00ff00">Yes.</font>

394
00:21:14,990 --> 00:21:17,150
<font color="#ffff00">..was to make sure</font>
<font color="#ffff00">that somebody had read it.</font>

395
00:21:17,190 --> 00:21:19,310
<font color="#ffff00">So, those two are in,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">she's got hidden messages.</font>

396
00:21:19,350 --> 00:21:21,630
<font color="#ffff00">The National Cyber Security Centre</font>
<font color="#ffff00">don't hide messages</font>

397
00:21:21,670 --> 00:21:24,110
<font color="#ffff00">when that's actually</font>
<font color="#ffff00">what they should do.</font>

398
00:21:24,150 --> 00:21:25,990
That's it, bang-on. Yeah. Well done.

399
00:21:26,030 --> 00:21:28,510
Yeah, there you go.

400
00:21:28,550 --> 00:21:29,550
They've all hidden information,

401
00:21:29,590 --> 00:21:31,230
apart from the National
Cyber Security Centre,

402
00:21:31,270 --> 00:21:35,110
which openly advertised
the door entry code to visitors.

403
00:21:35,150 --> 00:21:38,110
<font color="#ffff00">Oh, yes!</font>

404
00:21:38,150 --> 00:21:40,750
Anyone got an idea what
the code for the door was?

405
00:21:40,790 --> 00:21:45,750
<font color="#00ff00">1234.</font> It was 1234, yeah!<font color="#00ff00">Oh, no!</font>

406
00:21:46,510 --> 00:21:48,390
<font color="#ffff00">My husband,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">who worked on many building sites,</font>

407
00:21:48,430 --> 00:21:53,390
<font color="#ffff00">said if you ever want to get into</font>
<font color="#ffff00">a building site, it's always 1966.</font>

408
00:21:53,910 --> 00:21:55,990
196... Oh, really?

409
00:21:56,030 --> 00:21:57,670
<font color="#00ffff">And what happened then?</font>

410
00:21:57,710 --> 00:22:01,150
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

411
00:22:01,190 --> 00:22:04,510
<font color="#00ff00">It's the anniversary</font>
<font color="#00ff00">of the Battle of Hastings.</font> <font color="#00ffff">Ah!</font>

412
00:22:04,550 --> 00:22:07,390
What are the top password choices
in the UK, do you think?

413
00:22:07,430 --> 00:22:08,590
<font color="#ffff00">Password.</font>

414
00:22:08,630 --> 00:22:10,710
Password is up there.

415
00:22:10,750 --> 00:22:14,190
<font color="#ffff00">121212?</font>

416
00:22:14,230 --> 00:22:19,190
Do you know what?
It's not. Keep that.<font color="#ffff00">Ah.</font>

417
00:22:19,590 --> 00:22:22,670
Shall we do the top ten of most
popular passwords in the UK?

418
00:22:22,710 --> 00:22:24,350
<font color="#00ffff">Yeah!</font> <font color="#ffff00">Yes.</font> All right. Here goes.

419
00:22:24,390 --> 00:22:27,430
PICK OF THE POPS THEME MUSIC

420
00:22:27,470 --> 00:22:31,110
All right, at number one, it's...

421
00:22:41,590 --> 00:22:43,430
"qwerty" at number five
for you letter fans.

422
00:22:43,470 --> 00:22:47,390
GLENN:<font color="#ffff00">That's mine!</font>

423
00:22:54,470 --> 00:22:59,110
{\an8}And then, out of nowhere, it's...

424
00:23:02,670 --> 00:23:04,590
<font color="#ffff00">That's absolutely brilliant.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">That makes me love people.</font>

425
00:23:04,630 --> 00:23:07,390
There's a lot of people quickly
changing their passwords

426
00:23:07,430 --> 00:23:08,430
at home right now.

427
00:23:08,470 --> 00:23:12,510
How did the Security Centre
defend their actions?

428
00:23:12,550 --> 00:23:13,550
<font color="#00ff00">"We're stupid."</font>

429
00:23:13,590 --> 00:23:15,750
They said...

430
00:23:22,790 --> 00:23:24,870
Fair play, fair play.

431
00:23:24,910 --> 00:23:26,390
So you're quite right.

432
00:23:26,430 --> 00:23:28,870
Dan Neidle hid a reward
on his thinktank's website

433
00:23:28,910 --> 00:23:31,510
for anyone who bothered
to read the terms and conditions -

434
00:23:31,550 --> 00:23:34,830
a ten-year-old bottle of
red Bordeaux worth 35 quid.

435
00:23:34,870 --> 00:23:36,510
<font color="#00ffff">I've found it says on my contract,</font>

436
00:23:36,550 --> 00:23:40,590
<font color="#00ffff">"I won't bring the BBC</font>
<font color="#00ffff">into disrepute."</font>

437
00:23:40,630 --> 00:23:44,510
<font color="#00ff00">Yeah, but you've never signed it,</font>
<font color="#00ff00">though, have you?</font>

438
00:23:44,550 --> 00:23:46,870
<font color="#00ffff">Baroness Mone went after him.</font>
JESS:<font color="#ffff00">Yeah.</font>

439
00:23:46,910 --> 00:23:50,390
<font color="#00ffff">To try and stop him</font>
<font color="#00ffff">saying that she basically</font>

440
00:23:50,430 --> 00:23:53,550
<font color="#00ffff">ripped off the entire country</font>
<font color="#00ffff">and had taken the money</font>

441
00:23:53,590 --> 00:23:55,470
<font color="#00ffff">and transferred it</font>
<font color="#00ffff">to a private family trust.</font>

442
00:23:55,510 --> 00:23:57,870
<font color="#00ff00">Well, that didn't stop you</font>
<font color="#00ff00">saying that, did it?</font>

443
00:23:57,910 --> 00:24:02,870
APPLAUSE
<font color="#00ff00">So, well done.</font>

444
00:24:02,910 --> 00:24:04,550
Rock band Van Halen
demanded M&Ms backstage

445
00:24:04,590 --> 00:24:07,630
but with all
the brown ones taken out.

446
00:24:07,670 --> 00:24:08,950
It was actually a test.

447
00:24:08,990 --> 00:24:11,710
Lead singer David Lee Roth
explained in his memoir...

448
00:24:19,270 --> 00:24:21,390
That happens to me as well.
<font color="#00ff00">Does it?</font> Yeah.

449
00:24:21,430 --> 00:24:24,710
And I got here today, and there were
brown M&Ms in my room there,

450
00:24:24,750 --> 00:24:26,390
I was absolutely furious about it
and...

451
00:24:26,430 --> 00:24:28,310
LAUGHTER

452
00:24:28,350 --> 00:24:33,310
APPLAUSE

453
00:24:34,750 --> 00:24:37,830
What did Irish Eurovision entry
Bambi Thug try and hide?

454
00:24:37,870 --> 00:24:40,710
<font color="#00ff00">As Ian said, tattoos.</font> Yeah.
<font color="#00ff00">What message was on the tattoos?</font>

455
00:24:40,750 --> 00:24:43,310
It was the word "ceasefire"
that was written

456
00:24:43,350 --> 00:24:46,390
in the ancient Irish writing
known as...

457
00:24:46,430 --> 00:24:48,110
Let's have a little look at that.

458
00:24:48,150 --> 00:24:50,110
There it is,
written on the side there.

459
00:24:50,150 --> 00:24:52,510
Coincidently, an ancient stone
bearing Ogham script

460
00:24:52,550 --> 00:24:54,910
was dug up this week
by a man in Coventry.

461
00:24:54,950 --> 00:24:56,870
{\an8}Here it is.<font color="#00ff00">Ooh.</font>

462
00:24:56,910 --> 00:25:01,870
{\an8}I mean, is it Ogham or has somebody
just hit that with a spade a lot?

463
00:25:02,430 --> 00:25:04,910
Graham Senior had been clearing out
an overgrown flowerbed. He said...

464
00:25:10,790 --> 00:25:12,950
Back to Eurovision - what happened
during Finland's performance?

465
00:25:12,990 --> 00:25:15,110
<font color="#00ffff">Oh, is this the bloke</font>
<font color="#00ffff">with no trousers on?</font>

466
00:25:15,150 --> 00:25:16,790
<font color="#00ffff">Ah, he was brilliant.</font>

467
00:25:16,830 --> 00:25:20,110
Yeah, that's right,
one of the performers

468
00:25:20,150 --> 00:25:22,630
climbed out of a giant egg
wearing tiny denim shorts

469
00:25:22,670 --> 00:25:24,150
and then accidentally
exposed himself.

470
00:25:24,190 --> 00:25:29,150
{\an8}Graham in Coventry said...

471
00:25:32,550 --> 00:25:33,870
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

472
00:25:33,910 --> 00:25:37,710
.."That's not normal."

473
00:25:37,750 --> 00:25:39,390
Time now for
the Missing Words Round,

474
00:25:39,430 --> 00:25:41,350
which this week features
as its guest publication

475
00:25:41,390 --> 00:25:45,190
Woodturning Magazine.
And we start with...

476
00:25:49,230 --> 00:25:53,510
<font color="#00ff00">..threesome with two women who tried</font>
<font color="#00ff00">to steal the Magna Carta.</font>

477
00:25:53,550 --> 00:25:58,510
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

478
00:25:59,550 --> 00:26:00,830
<font color="#00ff00">That is right, isn't it?</font>

479
00:26:00,870 --> 00:26:02,990
The actual answer is...

480
00:26:06,110 --> 00:26:08,070
<font color="#00ff00">Oh, no.</font>
AUDIENCE:<font color="#ffff00">Ugh!</font>

481
00:26:08,110 --> 00:26:09,750
Lost his mind.

482
00:26:09,790 --> 00:26:12,550
Cheesemonger Edward Hancock
has developed a Gouda

483
00:26:12,590 --> 00:26:16,310
that is best enjoyed
with black coffee.

484
00:26:16,350 --> 00:26:18,470
According to Edward,
chunks of cheese should be immersed

485
00:26:18,510 --> 00:26:21,350
in the coffee for 30 seconds,
then removed, after which...

486
00:26:22,830 --> 00:26:27,030
AUDIENCE:<font color="#ffff00">Ugh!</font>

487
00:26:27,070 --> 00:26:30,510
..along with the rest of the coffee
and the cheese.

488
00:26:30,550 --> 00:26:32,990
Right, next one, here we go.

489
00:26:35,470 --> 00:26:37,470
GLENN:<font color="#ffff00">Paranoia.</font>

490
00:26:37,510 --> 00:26:41,030
LAUGHTER

491
00:26:41,070 --> 00:26:46,030
<font color="#00ff00">If you're having problems</font>
<font color="#00ff00">with solitude...</font>

492
00:26:48,670 --> 00:26:50,910
I'm not sure
you're going to get it, guys.

493
00:26:52,390 --> 00:26:55,670
LAUGHTER

494
00:26:55,710 --> 00:26:57,110
Yeah.
JESS:<font color="#ffff00">It's true.</font>

495
00:26:57,150 --> 00:27:00,390
We've all been there.
<font color="#ffff00">Yeah, yeah, happens all the time.</font>

496
00:27:00,430 --> 00:27:04,990
Nothing to be embarrassed about,
lads.<font color="#00ff00">No.</font> <font color="#00ffff">No.</font> Finally...

497
00:27:06,670 --> 00:27:10,110
<font color="#00ff00">Be younger than you.</font>

498
00:27:10,150 --> 00:27:13,710
LAUGHTER

499
00:27:13,750 --> 00:27:16,950
JESS:<font color="#ffff00">Wank than study.</font>

500
00:27:16,990 --> 00:27:18,910
LAUGHTER

501
00:27:18,950 --> 00:27:23,910
APPLAUSE

502
00:27:24,030 --> 00:27:25,350
<font color="#ffff00">Well, that is true.</font>

503
00:27:25,390 --> 00:27:26,590
<font color="#00ffff">No, they could do both.</font>

504
00:27:26,630 --> 00:27:30,310
LAUGHTER

505
00:27:30,350 --> 00:27:34,110
<font color="#00ff00">The rise and fall</font>
<font color="#00ff00">of the Russian Empire!</font>

506
00:27:34,150 --> 00:27:39,110
<font color="#00ff00">Unh!</font>

507
00:27:39,390 --> 00:27:42,350
<font color="#00ff00">Julius Caesar!</font>

508
00:27:42,390 --> 00:27:46,990
<font color="#00ff00">Oh!</font>

509
00:27:47,030 --> 00:27:49,550
<font color="#ffff00">Is it more likely to do...</font>

510
00:27:49,590 --> 00:27:52,670
<font color="#00ff00">Oh, you're going to try</font>
<font color="#00ff00">and answer it now, are you?</font>

511
00:27:54,630 --> 00:27:56,230
<font color="#00ffff">Oh, right.</font>

512
00:27:56,270 --> 00:27:58,070
So the final scores are...

513
00:27:58,110 --> 00:28:01,790
Ian and Glenn have 3,
Paul and Jess have 8!

514
00:28:01,830 --> 00:28:03,910
<font color="#00ff00">Well done.</font>
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

515
00:28:03,950 --> 00:28:07,430
GLENN:<font color="#ffff00">I am so sorry.</font>

516
00:28:07,470 --> 00:28:09,830
On which note, we say thank you
to our panellists,

517
00:28:09,870 --> 00:28:12,910
Ian Hislop and Glenn Moore,
Paul Merton and Jess Phillips.

518
00:28:12,950 --> 00:28:14,990
And I leave you with news
that after performing

519
00:28:15,030 --> 00:28:17,630
a successful sell-out show in Paris,
Keith Richards and Mick Jagger

520
00:28:17,670 --> 00:28:22,470
celebrate by letting their hair down
at a local nightclub.

521
00:28:22,510 --> 00:28:26,950
LAUGHTER

522
00:28:26,990 --> 00:28:29,910
That could be the two women
from the British Museum there.

523
00:28:29,950 --> 00:28:34,630
At Labour Party headquarters
in the queue for the canteen,

524
00:28:34,670 --> 00:28:37,190
someone bumped into Wes Streeting
with a tray of cucumbers.

525
00:28:37,230 --> 00:28:41,790
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

526
00:28:41,830 --> 00:28:43,470
And at
a Lib Dem election fundraiser,

527
00:28:43,510 --> 00:28:46,670
it appears organisers may have
misjudged the numbers of attendees

528
00:28:46,710 --> 00:28:49,150
as the lunchtime sandwich platter
is put out.

529
00:28:49,190 --> 00:28:52,870
LAUGHTER

530
00:28:52,910 --> 00:28:53,910
Good night.

531
00:28:53,950 --> 00:28:58,910
CHEERING