This programme contains some strong language.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.
I'm Jason Manford. In the news this week,
at airport security, one man regrets getting tetchy with staff
as he's led off to have a full body cavity search.
LAUGHTER
In Northampton, the culprit behind a spate of vending machine thefts
is finally tracked down.
LAUGHTER
And in Ashton-under-Lyne, Angela Rayner slips out the back way
as police try to interview her about her housing arrangements.
LAUGHTER
On Ian's team tonight is a comedian and former newsreader,
one of whose earlier jobs was working at the same radio station
as Katie Hopkins. It was his job to tell her when the sun had gone down
and it was time to come out of the coffin. Please welcome Glenn Moore!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
On Paul's team tonight is a Labour MP whose childhood ambition
was to be Prime Minister and has therefore made several appearances
on this show. Nice try, but I don't think the public
are going to make the same mistake twice!
Please welcome Jess Phillips MP!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So we begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
Paul and Jess, have a little look at this.Yes.
Prince... "Oh, I can't stand the colour red. I can't stand red wine."
Yes, it's Prince Charles and Camilla.
"Oh, it's the colour red again, I can't stand the colour red.
"Everywhere I go there's the colour red. Why is this red?
"I can't stand the colour red."
LAUGHTER AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE
So Charles unveiled the first official portrait of himself as King
by artist Jonathan Yeo.Yes. Do you reckon the artist turned up,
opened his box and he was like, "I've only brought red,
"I've only brought red. God!"?
The fingers do look really unflattering.
I know that he famously has sausage fingers
but they're really accentuated,
they're the only thing you can see apart from his face.
What do you make of it from an artistic point of view, though,
from the art world, what do you think of it as a piece of art?
It's a bit Freudy, it's a bit Bacony, it's a bit...
It's not Bacony, it's sausagey.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
They've been out and they've vox-popped people.
They've found out what the general public think.
This is some people being bothered by a BBC reporter.
Yeah, the red is quite disturbing.
Oh, man, it's pretty red,
looks kind of like a massacre or something here.
Wow. It's very red. That is quite red indeed.
Yeah, that's unusual.
That's what the people think.
What observation was made by Times art critic Laura Freeman?
I don't know, but, I mean,
presumably something other than it's red, which is what everybody says.
She said that blending the figure of the King in
with the background was...
Bit harsh, innit?
What suggestion did King Charles come up with regarding the portrait?
Burn it.
According to Jonathan Yeo, Charles suggested including
the butterfly...Oh, yes. ..which is entering stage left.
There you can see it.
What's the life expectancy of a butterfly? Short.
Couple of days, innit?
LAUGHTER AND OOHING
You did that. I didn't do that.
In other portrait news...Yes.
..why is Australia's richest woman, mining billionaire Gina Rinehart,
not happy?There's a portrait of her she doesn't like.
Yeah, it's gotta be that, hasn't it?
And, to be fair, she's right.
SHOCKED LAUGHTER
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
Wow!
Back to the Royals. What else has the King revealed this week?
Oh, new warrants? New warrants, yes.
Not for Prince Andrew, though, funnily enough.
Er, no, Royal Warrants. The winners and losers have been announced.
Do you know which company had its warrant renewed?
Benson & Hedges. Benson & Hedges, has that gone as well?
No, I don't know, I just assume. I just remember that had it.
Oh, I see.I presume they're against that sort of thing now.
I would say. Well, definitely Charles.
I don't think Camilla is.
You're not wrong.
I think it's gone to Marlboro Light.
Duke of Marlboro Light, probably.
It's a company that possibly irritated the King at one point.
Oh, was it the Parker pen? There you go.The pen. Parker pen.
"The stinky ink pen! Ugh!" Yes.
Here it is.
LAUGHTER
I love the way that Camilla took over. Yeah.
Which is sort of what's happened in the last couple of months anyway.
"All right. Bye, darling. I'll sign everything.
"Here we go. Royal Warrant - Gordon's gin."
They've actually renewed the Royal Warrant on the Parker pens.
Oh. Camilla Parker Pen.
LAUGHTER Hey, there we go!
Thank you very much. Very good.
Here's their letter of thanks.
Who didn't get a sausage?
Wall's sausages? No.No. No.
It was a butcher's shop near Balmoral Castle
lost its Royal Warrant. Owner John Sinclair was baffled, saying...
I think that might be your answer, John.
In a busy week, what did the King not have time to do?
Didn't see Harry, who came over, for some reason. I can't remember.
Invictus Games, I think. Oh, is it the Invictus Games?
But, I mean, they were in the same city
at the same time. I'm often in the same city as my dad
and I don't go and see him. I mean, like, not every day.
Maybe he's going to pop in another time.
Have you written a book about him called I Hate You?
I've written three.
No, I don't hate my dad, just FYI. Um...
I think Charles saw David Beckham instead.
Yeah, that's right. No offence to my own son,
I would do the same.
And do you know what they chatted about?
Was it football? No.
Tattoos?
"I've got the Edinburgh Tattoo."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Bees.Bees?!
They chatted about bees.Bees. Where did Harry go next?
Nigeria. That's right, yeah. He went on a royal tour. Well...Oh!
That's that prince who emailed me!
They went on what wasn't a royal tour. No, it was just a holiday.
But it looked a lot like a royal tour.
Meghan did make a motivation speech, as per.Mm.
What did she tell a group of students?
She said her daughter, Lilibet, had said to her,
"When I look at you I see you in me."
Is that right? Yeah.Which is pretty good for a two-year-old.
Pretty good, isn't it?
It just makes me feel my own children were a bit thick.
The idea that a two-year-old said that.
She said something with the word poo in it and then laughed.
That's what happened. And if she didn't,
then take your kid to see a psychiatrist.
What's wrong with them?
Finally, what did Sue and Judy get up to on a lovely day out
at the British Library?Oh!
This is the attempted attack on the Magna Carta, isn't it?
Just Stop Oil. That's right. Something about how the Magna Carta
stands for various freedoms and rights and those freedoms and rights
are being affected by the climate situation.
But that's as much as I know.
I think they were trying to get inside the case? Really?
How big's the case?
It... I mean... And how big were they? Well, I'll tell you...
They'll suffocate. They haven't thought this through.
They haven't thought it through.
IAN LAUGHS
It's one of the best attempts to get into a box
you've ever seen in your life. Have a watch of this.Yeah.
This is now bad pollution in London is.
They're 30. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So this is the portrait of King Charles unveiled this week.
According to The Sun...
I don't know why - if Charles didn't like it,
he could get Kate to tickle it up in Photoshop.
Jonathan Yeo is an accomplished royal portrait painter
but I'm happy to say he's no Rolf Harris.
Jilly Cooper was given a Damehood this week.
Charles hosted the investiture ceremony at Windsor Castle
where Jilly Cooper was honoured. Nervously, hesitantly,
she knelt trembling before the proud monarch...
No, Jilly, stop!
Ian and Glenn, take a look at this.
Oh, that's some Tory voters just going through.
And Rishi, or Keir Starmer's predecessor.
Can see Keir's head but nothing else.
JESS LAUGHS
And that's the future.
Rishi Sunak has got a new approach this week.
Saying, "If you don't vote for me,
"there won't be someone like me in charge when war breaks out."
I think this is what used to be Project Fear.
And he's now saying there's Russians, there's Chinese,
there's North Koreans, there's Iranians, you know,
who knew?
And therefore we should vote for him.
I literally can't understand why he carries on. Mm.
He's got loads of money and, like, houses all over the place.
Yeah, so's Angela Rayner.
Oh!
Yes, it's the same - Angela Rayner and Rishi Sunak... Yeah.
..exactly the same.
It's a principle, Jess. It not about quantity.
About honesty, dealing with these matters.
The week you announce a tax fraud enquiry
one of the people isn't coming entirely clean about the tax.
I'm just saying.
HIGH-PITCHED:But she is coming clean about it!
Why did you go so high there with your voice?Because...
Because I am incensed. Yeah! He said...
Keir's going to actually excite you with his six-point plan.
Yeah, it used to be five but inflation's terrible.
Here he was in full flow yesterday.
If you can't pay your bills,
if you can't buy a house,
these are huge changes...
Friendly little thing.
Um...
That's a strong man we need in a time of crisis.
Wasn't there an interview where Obama was being bothered by a fly
and he caught it? Oh, yeah.Then there was that Boris Johnson one
where he then tried to chat up the fly.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Jess, Keir - is he as much of a right laugh as he seems?
He's funner than Rishi Sunak. He told me to fuck off the other day.
Did he?Yeah, cos I was showing a level of sympathy to Rishi Sunak.
I was like, "I am starting to feel a bit sorry for him,"
and he was like, "Oh, fuck off, Jess."
Fair enough!
APPLAUSE
He did try a little zinger against Rishi
in Prime Minister's Questions this week.
He was planning to call him...
Let's see how well it went.
Mr Speaker, he must be the only tech bo...bu-bu-brother...
..who can't work a debit card or send an email.
GROANING
You want to die, don't you?
Keir's not had a great week
cos Rishi Sunak has been able to make some quite good jokes
about, who is this completely awful person
who's just joined the Labour Party?
Who used to be, you know, in the Tory Party five minutes ago.
It does give you leverage. Was that depressing, Jess?
Yeah, a bit depressing. Yeah. Anyone else you wouldn't like to welcome?
There's no way I can do this without it being libelous.
So... Good, let's go!
It's for the room.
I tell you what, I'm do it in Parliament because then I'm safe.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
What do you think about having Natalie Elphicke as a colleague?
I find it problematic considering what she's said about the victims
of her ex-husband who was sent to prison for sexual crimes.
You got her to apologise for... I did get her to apologise.
I don't know that she would see it in those terms.
Er...but that's how it happened.
Did she vote for you this week, with your motion?
She did vote with my motion.
And we won by one. And so people say to me...
There you go.People say, "Oh, it was Natalie Elphicke's vote."
That's not how maths works.
SINGULAR THEN SCATTERED APPLAUSE
Er, if you're going to clap, clap.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thanks.
What is Rishi Sunak encouraging everyone to do?
Grow their own vegetables. Grow their own vegetables.
Vote Labour.
He says we're becoming too reliant on foreign fruits and vegetables,
so do you want to play a little game?Yes, please! Yeah. Yeah.
The Mail produced a handy guide to what foods should be eaten
if you're patriotic.Right! Oh! IAN LAUGHS
Red, white and blueberry! SCATTERED CHEERS
A big boo for no, and a cheer for yes.OK.
That's what we're going to go for. So here we are.
Fried egg on toast and a glass of milk.
CHEERING
Proper British.Yeah.
Ham.
CHEERING No. Boo, it's boo.
Is it foreign? Yeah.Danish.
Avocado on toast, patriotic and not patriotic?
Boo! ALL:BOO.
Yeah, exactly. Foreign, foreign.
Foreign muck.
When did we stop calling it an avocado pear?
You're ruining my game.Oh, sorry. Yeah, let me just play this game.
I think the producers got there before you.
APPLAUSE I apologise.
King prawns?
AUDIENCE, UNCERTAINLY:Boo.
Boo, yeah, from Asia, boo.
I mean, I'm going to get cancelled for this. I can feel it.
Just that. Out of context, I'm going, "Asia - boo!"
Anyway, I could play that all night but I've got to move on.
So, this is Rishi Sunak starting his election campaign.
Meanwhile, the Tories have been trying to undermine the defection
of Natalie Elphicke to the Labour Party, with one source revealing...
Eventually, it was decided she wasn't fit for such high office
and nor was Natalie Elphicke.
APPLAUSE
This week, Dominic Cummings gave the i newspaper
his first major interview since leaving Number Ten, which began...
Hang on, I thought his vision was terrible.
APPLAUSE
Time now for Round Two, and inspired by the new royal portrait,
we've commissioned our own artist to paint some news stories.
So, fingers on buzzers for The Painting Spin Quiz.
Here's your first time.
BUZZER
So this is the Donald Trump trial.
Michael Cohen, who used to be Donald Trump's fixer
is now trying to fix him in another way.
And there's going to be a presidential debate.
Joe Biden has insisted that there's no audience
and also that when it's not your turn to talk,
the microphone will be turned off, which I think...
..and also...
It's going to be grand entertainment
cos Donald Trump is seriously losing it.
He made a speech the other day at one of his rallies,
he complimented the late, great Hannibal Lecter. Mm.
That's right.And also he said it was from his favourite film,
The Silence Of The Lamb.
Along with his other favourite films, Star War,
Austin Power,
and The Magnificent Six.
Do you want to see the clip?Yes, go for it. Yes, please. Here we go.
Silence Of The Lamb, has anyone ever seen The Silence Of The Lambs?
The late, great Hannibal Lecter is a wonderful man,
he oftentimes would have a friend for dinner. Remember the last scene?
"Excuse me, I'm about to have a friend for dinner,"
as this poor doctor walked by.
I'm about to have a friend for dinner, but Hannibal Lecter,
congratulations, the late, great Hannibal Lecter.
You can trace Donald Trump's hold over his supporters
by looking at the people in the background.
Like, three or four years ago, they were all cheering,
now they look completely confused.
Is he just into every baddie from every movie?
AS TRUMP:The great shark, Jaws.
We love him cos he's great and he's white.
APPLAUSE
This week, 81-year-old President Biden
and 77-year-old Donald Trump agreed to a televised head-to-head debate.
Yes, just two men, two microphones,
one defibrillator.
APPLAUSE
All right, fingers on buzzers, teams.
Last one, here we go. The masterpiece.
BUZZER
Right, this is Tottenham versus Manchester City, I think.
And Manchester City were playing at Spurs,
and Arsenal are challenging Manchester City for the title.
It was thought by a lot of Spurs fans wanted their team to lose
to stop Arsenal from winning the Championship.
That's exactly right, yeah. Could you explain it again?
The Royal Engineers were playing the Corinthians... Ah, excellent.
That's a proper match. A proper match, yes.
Before the game, what did Australian manager of Spurs
Ange Postecoglou say to journalists who asked him
if he thought the home crowd would actually want to lose the game
to stop Arsenal winning? Well, he said...
VAGUELY AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:.."No, I don't think any true Spurs..."
Why is he talking in South African accent?
He said, "I don't think any true football fan would want that."
Yeah, he said...
..to which a Spurs fan immediately tweeted...
The Tottenham fans switched allegiance from their own side
to Man City, shamelessly supporting whoever seems likely to win.
Who'd do that, eh?
APPLAUSE
Time now for The Odd One Out round. And just one between you this week.
They are...
Van Halen,
tax lawyer Daniel Neidle,
the National Cyber Security Centre,
and Bambi Thug.
BELL
Bambi Thug is a very well-known singer...
This week.
..who plays for Tottenham.
No, she was on Eurovision.
Yes. She was the Irish entry. Yes.
And there was trouble. She had messages hidden in her tattoos.
JESS:Oh, did she? There you go.
She is subtle, isn't she? Yeah.
Um, is that right? During...? That is correct, yes. Well done.
And who's he? He's a lawyer.
JESS:He is a tax lawyer and he often goes on Twitter
and breaks down the actual tax law for people to understand.
GLENN:He did, like, a prank involving red wine. Go on.
It was like a way of checking if people read through documents,
like, reading through terms and conditions. Yeah.
That he basically put, like, a free fancy wine...
In the middle of someone's...? Just to see if they read it,
and it's only just been claimed. Yeah, that's correct, well done.
Van Halen's the odd one out. Why is that?
They're famous for asking for a bowl of Smarties
but having all the red ones taken out. Yes.
Van Halen said the only reason that they did that... Yes.
..was to make sure that somebody had read it.
So, those two are in, she's got hidden messages.
The National Cyber Security Centre don't hide messages
when that's actually what they should do.
That's it, bang-on. Yeah. Well done.
Yeah, there you go.
They've all hidden information,
apart from the National Cyber Security Centre,
which openly advertised the door entry code to visitors.
Oh, yes!
Anyone got an idea what the code for the door was?
1234. It was 1234, yeah!Oh, no!
My husband, who worked on many building sites,
said if you ever want to get into a building site, it's always 1966.
196... Oh, really?
And what happened then?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
It's the anniversary of the Battle of Hastings. Ah!
What are the top password choices in the UK, do you think?
Password.
Password is up there.
121212?
Do you know what? It's not. Keep that.Ah.
Shall we do the top ten of most popular passwords in the UK?
Yeah! Yes. All right. Here goes.
PICK OF THE POPS THEME MUSIC
All right, at number one, it's...
"qwerty" at number five for you letter fans.
GLENN:That's mine!
And then, out of nowhere, it's...
That's absolutely brilliant. That makes me love people.
There's a lot of people quickly changing their passwords
at home right now.
How did the Security Centre defend their actions?
"We're stupid."
They said...
Fair play, fair play.
So you're quite right.
Dan Neidle hid a reward on his thinktank's website
for anyone who bothered to read the terms and conditions -
a ten-year-old bottle of red Bordeaux worth 35 quid.
I've found it says on my contract,
"I won't bring the BBC into disrepute."
Yeah, but you've never signed it, though, have you?
Baroness Mone went after him. JESS:Yeah.
To try and stop him saying that she basically
ripped off the entire country and had taken the money
and transferred it to a private family trust.
Well, that didn't stop you saying that, did it?
APPLAUSE So, well done.
Rock band Van Halen demanded M&Ms backstage
but with all the brown ones taken out.
It was actually a test.
Lead singer David Lee Roth explained in his memoir...
That happens to me as well. Does it? Yeah.
And I got here today, and there were brown M&Ms in my room there,
I was absolutely furious about it and...
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
What did Irish Eurovision entry Bambi Thug try and hide?
As Ian said, tattoos. Yeah. What message was on the tattoos?
It was the word "ceasefire" that was written
in the ancient Irish writing known as...
Let's have a little look at that.
There it is, written on the side there.
Coincidently, an ancient stone bearing Ogham script
was dug up this week by a man in Coventry.
Here it is.Ooh.
I mean, is it Ogham or has somebody just hit that with a spade a lot?
Graham Senior had been clearing out an overgrown flowerbed. He said...
Back to Eurovision - what happened during Finland's performance?
Oh, is this the bloke with no trousers on?
Ah, he was brilliant.
Yeah, that's right, one of the performers
climbed out of a giant egg wearing tiny denim shorts
and then accidentally exposed himself.
Graham in Coventry said...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
.."That's not normal."
Time now for the Missing Words Round,
which this week features as its guest publication
Woodturning Magazine. And we start with...
..threesome with two women who tried to steal the Magna Carta.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
That is right, isn't it?
The actual answer is...
Oh, no. AUDIENCE:Ugh!
Lost his mind.
Cheesemonger Edward Hancock has developed a Gouda
that is best enjoyed with black coffee.
According to Edward, chunks of cheese should be immersed
in the coffee for 30 seconds, then removed, after which...
AUDIENCE:Ugh!
..along with the rest of the coffee and the cheese.
Right, next one, here we go.
GLENN:Paranoia.
LAUGHTER
If you're having problems with solitude...
I'm not sure you're going to get it, guys.
LAUGHTER
Yeah. JESS:It's true.
We've all been there. Yeah, yeah, happens all the time.
Nothing to be embarrassed about, lads.No. No. Finally...
Be younger than you.
LAUGHTER
JESS:Wank than study.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Well, that is true.
No, they could do both.
LAUGHTER
The rise and fall of the Russian Empire!
Unh!
Julius Caesar!
Oh!
Is it more likely to do...
Oh, you're going to try and answer it now, are you?
Oh, right.
So the final scores are...
Ian and Glenn have 3, Paul and Jess have 8!
Well done. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
GLENN:I am so sorry.
On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
Ian Hislop and Glenn Moore, Paul Merton and Jess Phillips.
And I leave you with news that after performing
a successful sell-out show in Paris, Keith Richards and Mick Jagger
celebrate by letting their hair down at a local nightclub.
LAUGHTER
That could be the two women from the British Museum there.
At Labour Party headquarters in the queue for the canteen,
someone bumped into Wes Streeting with a tray of cucumbers.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
And at a Lib Dem election fundraiser,
it appears organisers may have misjudged the numbers of attendees
as the lunchtime sandwich platter is put out.
LAUGHTER
Good night.
CHEERING