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I'm Phil. I got this gig last night
and my first time hosting.
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Very excited!
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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The originally planned host
had to be cancelled
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for impartiality things,
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because the election
was announced yesterday,
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which I think makes me the only
person I know who's benefited
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from Rishi Sunak's premiership.
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This programme contains
some strong language.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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Good evening.
Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
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I'm Phil Wang.
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In the news this week -
old footage emerges
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of how Anton du Beke lost his job
at the London Aquarium.
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In Oxfordshire,
after years of torment,
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Brian Blessed's
downstairs neighbours snap
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and get their revenge.
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And in Downing Street,
amid the media frenzy,
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one journalist tries to get
a discreet word
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with the Prime Minister.
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Finally... Are you looking
forward to the election?
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Can you win it?
Can you win it?
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On Ian's team tonight is a member
of the House of Lords
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who once wanted to become
a war correspondent.
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In dangerous territory,
surrounded by enemy forces
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and a hostile local population,
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she led the Scottish Conservative
Party for eight years.
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Please welcome
Baroness Ruth Davidson.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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On Paul's team tonight is an author
whose book The Thursday Murder Club
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is being turned into a film
by Steven Spielberg,
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who hasn't made too many changes
to the original,
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although now the killer
is a velociraptor.
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Please welcome Richard Osman.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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We begin with the big news stories
of the week.
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Ian and Ruth, have a look at this.
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Oh, God, it's Drowning Street.
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Things can only get wetter.
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There he is, pretending it's fine.
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Oh, this is balance.
We have the Lib Dems second.
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Third, Labour.
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I don't think so.
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So, apparently, there's going
to be an election. Yes.
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Now, we do have to be very careful
about balance.
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Why have we got
a Tory Baroness on, then?
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I'm absolute hardline Reform,
so it's OK.
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The one thing that a prime minister
has in his locker is that they get
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to choose the exact timing
and the manner in which you call
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for an election.
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So you really get to nail
the announcement.
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We do actually have a clip of this
auspicious announcement,
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shall we have a look?
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And with a clear plan
and bold action,
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we'll deliver a secure future
for you, your family,
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and our United Kingdom.
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You can just sort of tell that
once the door shut behind him,
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all you could hear was, "AAAAGH!"
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RICHARD:No, I bet he would have
shook himself like a dog.
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His hair was standing up pretty
good in that downpour.
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Wasn't it just? That's amazing.
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Whoever does his hair should be
in charge of stopping the boats.
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Yeah.
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Could this be interpreted as
God being angry with the Tories?
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I think it could.
And when you're delivering this...
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I was just saying that for balance.
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Yeah, you have to maintain
a balance.
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So every time we say something
against somebody,
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we have to sort of balance that
by saying something positive,
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as Ian's just demonstrated.
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Absolutely. So you could say
the launch of the election by Sunak
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was really pitiful.
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But the next day, he was dreadful.
Yeah.
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Yes, exactly.
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I was thinking, if Rishi Sunak
had a suit that shrunk in the wet,
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it could look like he was growing.
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He's so desperate to lose.
You can see it.
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He just... He wants to go
on holiday in August, doesn't he?
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Do you know what?
He wants to move to LA, doesn't he?
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The school year presumably
starts in September. Yeah.
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So he's thinking, "I'm not going
to have an election in November."
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He is so desperate to lose.
Yeah.
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He literally never wants
to hear the word "sewage" again.
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He never wants to hear the word
"Rwanda" again.
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He never wants to hear the word
"Grant Shapps" again.
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He's got to pretend that
he's putting his all into it.
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He was behind that door going,
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"The second it starts raining,
tell me. I'm going out.
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"Umbrella? Oh, no."
Yeah. "Oh, no."
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He doesn't want to do
the job any more.
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Well, I mean, it's the first
time he's been in touch
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with the British public.
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Well, you might be right,
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because do you know how this has
gone down with the British public?
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Shall we have a look?Yes.
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I'm not bothered.
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That's the big thing,
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people need to get to
the voting stations. Super.
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They're all a load of prats.
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The last time there was a general
election in July was in 1945.
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Yes! Yes.
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Famously, Winston Churchill lost
a landslide to Labour
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just after World War II,
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whereas Rishi is going to lose
a landslide to Labour
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just before World War III.
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That is interesting.
Yeah, how about that?
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Also for balance, let's have
a look at Keir Starmer
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making a salmon tandoori on
Channel 4's Sunday Brunch, shall we?
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BLENDER WHIRRING
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Angela Rayner - "GRRR! RRRR! RRRR!"
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Now, how is Starmer planning
to win over the electorate?
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Say nothing for six weeks
and you're in.
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Almost. He's telling voters...
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Nothing gets past him, does it?
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Someone else is ready and raring
for election action.
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Do you know who that might be?
Nigel Farage.
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Well, no...Not Farage.
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He said he won't stand.
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At the moment
his country needs him,
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he said, "Oh, I'm a bit busy."
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He literally said,
"There's a big important election
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"going on in America,"
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where he can go and make
more money, presumably.
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Right, yes.
I have no proof of that.
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I'm just saying that were he to be
the sort of person
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who just was in it for the money,
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he would go to America and make it.
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In terms of balance,
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I think I should add here
to Ian's comment
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that he wants to go to America
to make money -
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he wants to go to Canada.
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Now, the person who seems
most excited
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for the election is, in fact,
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Ann Widdecombe
from the Reform Party.
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There she is.
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RICHARD:Sorry, where is she?
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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
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What about the SNP?
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Ruth, say something about them,
please.
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Er... Ooh.
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Around the time the new
First Minister was standing up,
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launching the SNP's campaign,
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the police in Scotland put out
a notice saying
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that they'd just informed
prosecutors and passed their report
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into the embezzlement of
SNP party funds.
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So I was just thinking, you know,
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maybe Rishi didn't have
the only terrible launch...
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Now, who might be particularly
delighted with the timing
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of the election announcement?
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Paula Vennells... Mm-hm?
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..from the Post Office,
because she was up in the inquiry
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and it blasted her off
the front pages
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and she would have got
an absolute shellacking.
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That's right.
Former Post Office head honcho
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and national sweetheart
Paula Vennells.
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She cried four times.
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For herself.
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It was a really disgraceful
performance and I think...
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APPLAUSE
Yeah, it was appalling.
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She said things like, "I didn't know
that they were prosecuting
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"these people when I took over."
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And you think,
that...that just isn't true!
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It's all lies.
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I mean, she is now in the inquiry
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trying to blame her colleagues,
which is...
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The entire point of
the inquiry is that she's already
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blamed people who didn't do it
in an attempt to cover herself,
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and now she's doing it again!
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I also just don't understand
how you can come and take over
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an organisation where suddenly,
out of nowhere,
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after a new computer system
comes in,
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one in 12 people that work
for you has got their hands
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in the till and you never previously
noticed, even though they worked
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for you for 30 years before that.
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RICHARD:And you work
for the Tory Party!
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I know! Right?!
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But if what is happening is
that the amount of money
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that you claim they've stolen
is returned to the Post Office,
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and then you take it out
as a bonus - which they did -
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that's straightforward theft. Um...
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APPLAUSE
I was going to call it corruption.
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It's worse than that.
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Is it worse than corruption? OK.
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She did show some humility -
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what did Vennells admit
was a personal failure?
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Oh, she said she was too trusting.
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I mean, that's the Prince Andrew
defence.
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"I was too noble."
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"I can't sweat," she said.
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"I use all my inner water
for tears."
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And her tears reached Number 10
Downing Street, didn't they?
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Do you know what the inquiry chair,
Sir Wyn Williams, asked her?
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Did he say, "Why are you played
by a different actor
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"than in the TV show?"
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00:10:01,110 --> 00:10:02,270
He wanted to know more
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00:10:02,310 --> 00:10:03,710
about a briefing document
Vennells received,
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which advised her to only provide
certain information
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if really pushed to do so.
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Let's have a look.
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If I were to suggest to you
that you were being advised
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00:10:14,590 --> 00:10:16,710
to be very precise, very circumspect
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00:10:16,750 --> 00:10:21,710
and very guarded
about what you said -
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that was the effect of
that document, would you agree?
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I would, Sir Wyn.
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I'm not sure
I would have noticed that
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on the morning of the day.
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But you'll see the point
in a moment -
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that was the effect
that was trying to be created
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by those who created that document.
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It could have been, yes.
Right. Yes. Why?
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With hindsight, because possibly...
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And if you need time
to think about it...
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00:11:13,110 --> 00:11:16,190
No, I don't... ..you can tell me
in the morning. It's all right.
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No, no, that's enough now.
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Brutal.Wow. If you need time,
how about ten years?
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00:11:24,790 --> 00:11:27,350
Is there any likelihood
that she will end up in prison,
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00:11:27,390 --> 00:11:30,230
do you think? I think as soon
as the inquiry is over,
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the incoming government,
be it Labour or Conservative...
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00:11:32,670 --> 00:11:36,510
RICHARD:Or Lib Dem.
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00:11:36,550 --> 00:11:38,910
Or Lib Dem. RUTH:Or Plaid Cymru.
Or Plaid Cymru.
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00:11:38,950 --> 00:11:41,550
One of the ways we could make
an early popular success
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00:11:41,590 --> 00:11:43,950
is prosecute some of the people
at the Post Office.
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I think it'd be a really good
first week.
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APPLAUSE
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This is the news that Rishi Sunak's
new job in Silicon Valley
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00:11:53,350 --> 00:11:54,510
apparently starts on July 5th.
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The Post Office inquiry continues.
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When news of the Post Office
scandal broke,
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Paula Vennells also had a job
with the NHS -
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00:12:03,670 --> 00:12:05,310
now embroiled in the contaminated
blood scandal,
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00:12:05,350 --> 00:12:07,710
so she just needs
a role with South West Water
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00:12:07,750 --> 00:12:12,710
and she's got the set.
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00:12:13,110 --> 00:12:14,510
While seemingly turning
a blind eye
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00:12:14,550 --> 00:12:15,950
to the wrongful convictions
of subpostmasters,
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00:12:15,990 --> 00:12:18,590
Paula Vennells also served
as an Anglican vicar
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00:12:18,630 --> 00:12:21,230
and could often be heard in church
telling the famous parable
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00:12:21,270 --> 00:12:26,230
of the Screwing of the 5,000.
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I love the use
of the word "seemingly".
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00:12:29,470 --> 00:12:34,430
That was very good. Can we just
check the lawyer's awake?
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What would you say, Ian?
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Ignoring wilfully through perverse
and evil motivation.
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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
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Paul and Richard,
take a look at this.
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Right. Well, there we are.
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He's a proud man.
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Sausages.
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Sausages.
248
00:12:59,630 --> 00:13:02,710
There's a man who's created a world
record in creating so many sausages
249
00:13:02,750 --> 00:13:05,110
in a minute, and he's beaten off
all on-comers. In-comers.
250
00:13:05,150 --> 00:13:06,550
Has he? So, two world records?
251
00:13:06,590 --> 00:13:10,190
Two world records, yeah.
Two world records.
252
00:13:10,230 --> 00:13:14,990
PHIL HONKS WITH LAUGHTER
253
00:13:15,030 --> 00:13:17,910
"Cumberland? Or is that just the way
your trousers are hanging?
254
00:13:17,950 --> 00:13:21,030
This is the news that a butcher
in Bedfordshire has made 83 sausages
255
00:13:21,070 --> 00:13:23,430
in one minute -
and that's a new world record!
256
00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:27,990
CHEERING, WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE
257
00:13:28,030 --> 00:13:29,670
Sorry, you gave Ian
the election... Yeah.
258
00:13:29,710 --> 00:13:33,390
..and Paul...
Equally important news story.
259
00:13:33,430 --> 00:13:36,350
..the world sausage record. Yeah.
260
00:13:36,390 --> 00:13:39,550
That was only the UK election,
and that's aworld record.
261
00:13:39,590 --> 00:13:41,430
Oh, actually, yeah.
Yeah, that's true enough.
262
00:13:41,470 --> 00:13:43,110
Yeah. Unlucky, Ian. Yeah.
263
00:13:43,150 --> 00:13:47,230
What else did Bedfordshire's
Gavin Reynolds have to do
264
00:13:47,270 --> 00:13:52,230
with his 83 Lincolnshire sausages?
265
00:13:52,910 --> 00:13:54,990
Well, you've got to twist them
and display them.
266
00:13:55,030 --> 00:13:57,750
Yeah, yeah.
267
00:13:57,790 --> 00:13:59,190
Have you got to sell them?
268
00:13:59,230 --> 00:14:00,230
What, in a minute?
269
00:14:00,270 --> 00:14:02,630
83 sausages?
270
00:14:02,670 --> 00:14:05,870
It's not The Apprentice! Blimey.
271
00:14:05,910 --> 00:14:09,390
You know your sausages.
You're right. You have to link them.
272
00:14:09,430 --> 00:14:10,870
Yeah. Look at him go!
273
00:14:10,910 --> 00:14:15,030
OK. Ruth, you've tried
linking sausages?
274
00:14:15,070 --> 00:14:17,670
I went to the Queen's butcher
in Ballater, next to Balmoral,
275
00:14:17,710 --> 00:14:20,070
on a campaign visit
and had to have a go
276
00:14:20,110 --> 00:14:21,110
with their sausage-making machine.
277
00:14:21,150 --> 00:14:23,510
And it turns out that,
inexplicably, I'm shit at it.
278
00:14:23,550 --> 00:14:26,870
Er, so...
279
00:14:26,910 --> 00:14:31,870
Not a big fan of having
sausages in my hands.
280
00:14:35,270 --> 00:14:36,670
Why do politicians do those things?
281
00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:40,270
If someone says, "Oh, we're going to
go to this butcher, going to
282
00:14:40,310 --> 00:14:42,430
You think, "That sounds
like a really bad idea."
283
00:14:42,470 --> 00:14:44,830
Yeah, but it's so much better
than sitting in Parliament.
284
00:14:44,870 --> 00:14:49,710
And that may explain why
the country doesn't function.
285
00:14:49,750 --> 00:14:53,270
Meanwhile, what unusual
product has Dutch farmer
286
00:14:53,310 --> 00:14:58,270
Erik Stegink created?
287
00:14:58,750 --> 00:15:03,710
Edible banister?
288
00:15:06,750 --> 00:15:08,630
Well, no, he's actually kicked up a
bit
289
00:15:08,670 --> 00:15:11,030
of a "stegink" by creating an ice
cream made from...
290
00:15:11,070 --> 00:15:12,070
ALL: Ooh.
291
00:15:12,110 --> 00:15:15,630
This follows the success
of his other product...
292
00:15:15,670 --> 00:15:20,310
Coincidentally, also a redacted
293
00:15:20,350 --> 00:15:25,310
phrase from Stormy Daniels'
witness statement.
294
00:15:32,790 --> 00:15:36,190
Oh, dear. Goodnight, everyone!
295
00:15:36,230 --> 00:15:38,070
From pigs to cows.Yes.
296
00:15:38,110 --> 00:15:41,270
What trouble has cow
shit caused recently?
297
00:15:41,310 --> 00:15:44,030
Oh, this is the water contamination,
isn't it? The bug.
298
00:15:44,070 --> 00:15:46,350
Oh, cryptosporidium.
Yes.
299
00:15:46,390 --> 00:15:49,190
Well done.Yeah.
300
00:15:49,230 --> 00:15:51,830
The drinking water of 16,000
customers in Devon
301
00:15:51,870 --> 00:15:53,750
has been contaminated by cow shit
302
00:15:53,790 --> 00:15:56,030
getting into the pipework.
303
00:15:56,070 --> 00:15:59,710
Yeah, this was a mistake because it
was meant to be human faeces.
304
00:15:59,750 --> 00:16:03,430
And for some reason, the water
company made a terrible error.
305
00:16:03,470 --> 00:16:07,790
And they're going to have an inquiry
in 2058.
306
00:16:07,830 --> 00:16:09,950
But it's good news for me,
because I've invested
307
00:16:09,990 --> 00:16:11,550
in cryptosporidium, so...
308
00:16:11,590 --> 00:16:16,550
I'm afraid it might be what's
called the Shitcoin.
309
00:16:19,790 --> 00:16:22,150
Water consumers in Devon have been
told not to panic,
310
00:16:22,190 --> 00:16:27,150
following an outbreak of...
311
00:16:28,910 --> 00:16:31,230
Even though the sound of it is
something quite atrocious.
312
00:16:31,270 --> 00:16:36,230
And so to round two. It's time
for the one-armed bandit of news.
313
00:16:37,950 --> 00:16:42,910
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
314
00:16:44,870 --> 00:16:47,910
BELL
315
00:16:47,950 --> 00:16:49,830
This is about museums
that are so obscure,
316
00:16:49,870 --> 00:16:54,830
they have fewer than one person
a day that comes to visit them.
317
00:16:58,070 --> 00:16:59,030
That's right, yeah.
318
00:16:59,070 --> 00:17:01,190
Do you have any idea
which attractions these are?
319
00:17:01,230 --> 00:17:02,390
The Pencil Museum in Keswick?
320
00:17:02,430 --> 00:17:06,230
Oh, yeah. If it rains when you
happen to be in the Lakes, you
321
00:17:06,270 --> 00:17:07,430
to the Keswick Pencil Museum.
322
00:17:07,470 --> 00:17:09,590
Does it often rain in England?
I'm just asking.
323
00:17:09,630 --> 00:17:10,630
Ask the Prime Minister.
324
00:17:10,670 --> 00:17:11,670
Asking for a friend.
325
00:17:11,710 --> 00:17:15,990
He doesn't have an umbrella.
326
00:17:16,030 --> 00:17:18,870
Well, the list of 20 or so
attractions includes the Bay Museum
327
00:17:18,910 --> 00:17:20,790
on Canvey Island.
328
00:17:20,830 --> 00:17:22,550
That looks good.
329
00:17:22,590 --> 00:17:27,550
Well, the BBC suggested
the museum looked...
330
00:17:29,590 --> 00:17:31,590
They're not entirely wrong.
331
00:17:31,630 --> 00:17:33,270
I saw something
about the Bay Museum.
332
00:17:33,310 --> 00:17:36,390
There's, like, three guys who work
there and no-one visits.
333
00:17:36,430 --> 00:17:39,510
It must be an absolutely lovely,
lovely cup of tea in the warm.
334
00:17:39,550 --> 00:17:42,430
And then every now and again,
335
00:17:42,470 --> 00:17:44,830
someone comes along, like, a
tourist. They're, "Oh, fuck sake!"
336
00:17:44,870 --> 00:17:48,030
"We're closed!" "It's near 12.
Sorry."
337
00:17:48,070 --> 00:17:52,910
The museum treasurer Martin Daniell
told the BBC,
338
00:17:56,390 --> 00:17:59,950
Hostages.
339
00:17:59,990 --> 00:18:03,070
Why did some of the scarcely visited
attractions not respond to the BBC's
340
00:18:03,110 --> 00:18:06,750
request for a comment?
341
00:18:06,790 --> 00:18:09,390
You've actually touched on...
Because they don't want people to
342
00:18:09,430 --> 00:18:12,510
A lot of them, not all of them,
are fronts for drug gangs.
343
00:18:12,550 --> 00:18:14,430
Not all of them. Not all of them.
344
00:18:14,470 --> 00:18:16,870
Not all of them. Just...just most of
them.
345
00:18:16,910 --> 00:18:19,190
If you look down the list, there's,
346
00:18:19,230 --> 00:18:21,350
yeah, a lot of them. A lot of them.
347
00:18:21,390 --> 00:18:23,750
Not all of them.
No, no.
348
00:18:23,790 --> 00:18:25,190
But not none of them.
349
00:18:25,230 --> 00:18:28,310
Definitely not none of them.
350
00:18:28,350 --> 00:18:33,310
What do these museums offer
that larger attractions might not?
351
00:18:34,030 --> 00:18:35,190
Huge bales of cocaine?
352
00:18:35,230 --> 00:18:39,950
In some of them.Some of them. Not
all of them. Not all of them.Not in
353
00:18:39,990 --> 00:18:41,430
Some of them are real museums.
354
00:18:41,470 --> 00:18:43,110
A couple of them are real museums.
355
00:18:43,150 --> 00:18:45,030
Yeah, more or less. Volunteers
say they offer
356
00:18:45,070 --> 00:18:46,230
a more personal, bespoke experience.
357
00:18:46,270 --> 00:18:50,550
Karen Hillier, a volunteer
at Longthorpe Tower, said...
358
00:18:58,790 --> 00:19:00,950
You gave a little ooh
at bonnacon there, Ian?
359
00:19:00,990 --> 00:19:03,430
Yes, I mean the bonnacon...
360
00:19:03,470 --> 00:19:05,110
It's in a lot of
early-medieval bestiaries.
361
00:19:05,150 --> 00:19:08,070
It featured in a very, very good
documentary on Radio 4 by...
362
00:19:08,110 --> 00:19:11,710
Oh, it was me!
363
00:19:11,750 --> 00:19:14,550
It literally - it ejects this sort
of projectile poo.
364
00:19:14,590 --> 00:19:17,550
There's a picture of it killing
various knights who've set out
365
00:19:17,590 --> 00:19:22,150
to try and deal with the bonnacon.
And there he is... That's just a
366
00:19:22,190 --> 00:19:26,110
Did you say a farting Hislop?
A Vizsla.
367
00:19:26,150 --> 00:19:30,950
But it's mythical. What you
described - it never happened. And
368
00:19:30,990 --> 00:19:32,630
What a fraud you are.
Yeah, yeah.
369
00:19:32,670 --> 00:19:37,350
On the radio, where you can't see
it. Yeah.
370
00:19:37,390 --> 00:19:40,710
I bet it's some bloke
going like that into a microphone.
371
00:19:40,750 --> 00:19:44,830
I'm embarrassed now. You've shown
me up.
372
00:19:44,870 --> 00:19:47,470
This is the news that some
of Britain's museums average fewer
373
00:19:47,510 --> 00:19:51,230
than one visitor a day.
374
00:19:51,270 --> 00:19:54,150
The Bay Museum's star exhibit
is an engine cylinder from a B-17,
375
00:19:54,190 --> 00:19:57,230
which crashed at Canvey Point
in 1944.
376
00:19:57,270 --> 00:19:58,870
Here's the engine cylinder.
377
00:19:58,910 --> 00:20:03,670
And I've saved you a trip.
378
00:20:03,710 --> 00:20:05,350
And time now for the
odd-one-out round.
379
00:20:05,390 --> 00:20:09,070
Just one between you this week.
380
00:20:09,110 --> 00:20:13,190
They are a zoo in China...
381
00:20:13,230 --> 00:20:14,390
CEO of Apple, Tim Cook.
382
00:20:14,430 --> 00:20:15,990
Boris Johnson. And the BBC.
383
00:20:16,030 --> 00:20:17,670
BUZZER
384
00:20:17,710 --> 00:20:19,830
Now, the zoo in China
didn't have any pandas.
385
00:20:19,870 --> 00:20:22,710
So what they did was they got
hold of some little dogs
386
00:20:22,750 --> 00:20:25,310
and they painted them black
and white and told people
387
00:20:25,350 --> 00:20:27,950
that they were pandas, but they were
clearly dogs just painted
388
00:20:27,990 --> 00:20:30,350
black and white.
That one?
389
00:20:30,390 --> 00:20:31,390
Yeah, that's right.OK.
390
00:20:31,430 --> 00:20:34,030
So it's about sort of like duplicity
about pretending that something
391
00:20:34,070 --> 00:20:36,390
is what it isn't.
392
00:20:36,430 --> 00:20:39,990
How does that connect to
Boris Johnson?!
393
00:20:40,030 --> 00:20:44,670
You know, I really don't know.
394
00:20:44,710 --> 00:20:47,310
And Tim, what's his name, from
Apple. What was his name?
395
00:20:47,350 --> 00:20:50,910
Tim Cook. They had the advert,
didn't they? Where they were
396
00:20:50,950 --> 00:20:52,590
It's about trying to advertise
and sell.
397
00:20:52,630 --> 00:20:53,630
Sell stuff. Things.
398
00:20:53,670 --> 00:20:55,670
And what's Boris selling?
399
00:20:55,710 --> 00:21:00,430
Is he selling individual
armpit warmers?
400
00:21:00,470 --> 00:21:02,590
BBC are the odd one out.
Let's choose them.
401
00:21:02,630 --> 00:21:03,630
Yeah.
402
00:21:03,670 --> 00:21:05,510
No.No, it's Boris Johnson,
imagine that.
403
00:21:05,550 --> 00:21:09,870
Is it Tim Cook.
Is he the odd one out?
404
00:21:09,910 --> 00:21:11,550
No.It's got to be the panda!
405
00:21:11,590 --> 00:21:14,070
That is the only one.
406
00:21:14,110 --> 00:21:17,430
Why is it?
Well, because they pretended that
407
00:21:17,470 --> 00:21:20,310
but they weren't real pandas.
They were dogs painted black
408
00:21:20,350 --> 00:21:22,470
And no-one else...
And no-one else has done that.
409
00:21:22,510 --> 00:21:23,510
Yeah. Nobody else.
410
00:21:23,550 --> 00:21:27,350
I'll give you the point. They've all
caused controversy with media
411
00:21:27,390 --> 00:21:29,990
in China, which caused controversy
with its publicity for panda cubs.
412
00:21:30,030 --> 00:21:33,630
Yeah, let's have a look at them.
413
00:21:33,670 --> 00:21:35,910
Well, why...
Why were visitors to a zoo...?
414
00:21:35,950 --> 00:21:40,910
Look, we all want to see them.
415
00:21:41,190 --> 00:21:44,510
Why were visitors to a zoo in China
upset by the panda cub attraction?
416
00:21:44,550 --> 00:21:47,390
Because they were dogs painted black
and white. Let's have a look!
417
00:21:47,430 --> 00:21:50,870
What's going on, Richard?
418
00:21:50,910 --> 00:21:53,470
You have to double click.
Double click, double click.
419
00:21:53,510 --> 00:21:57,390
Yes. The pandas at Jiangsu zoo
looked like this.
420
00:21:57,430 --> 00:22:02,390
ALL: Ohhh!
421
00:22:02,430 --> 00:22:02,470
Oh, that's great, isn't it?
That was worth it.
422
00:22:04,590 --> 00:22:08,990
Yeah.
423
00:22:09,030 --> 00:22:13,310
I can't believe I have to ask you
this question, but what were the
424
00:22:13,350 --> 00:22:15,630
Because they were dogs
painted black and white.
425
00:22:15,670 --> 00:22:20,630
Yeah. Visitors suspected that they
were...Suspected?!
426
00:22:20,990 --> 00:22:25,950
Must be a "shit zoo".
427
00:22:35,070 --> 00:22:36,950
We did that joke in pantomime
this year.
428
00:22:36,990 --> 00:22:39,350
Oh, no, you didn't. Oh, yes, we did.
429
00:22:39,390 --> 00:22:42,190
I was there.
You were there.
430
00:22:42,230 --> 00:22:43,670
Your Widow Twankey was terrific.
431
00:22:43,710 --> 00:22:45,350
Pity we were doing
Dick Whittington.
432
00:22:45,390 --> 00:22:48,150
But it was good.
433
00:22:48,190 --> 00:22:50,070
What advert is Boris Johnson
reportedly involved with?
434
00:22:50,110 --> 00:22:55,070
Not armpit heaters?
435
00:22:55,390 --> 00:22:58,230
No. The Sun on Sunday reported
that Johnson will make a cameo
436
00:22:58,270 --> 00:22:59,670
in an advert for Paddy Power
437
00:22:59,710 --> 00:23:01,750
during the Euros this summer.Oh,
no.
438
00:23:01,790 --> 00:23:03,430
According to a source
at Paddy Power...
439
00:23:03,470 --> 00:23:08,430
Oh, that'll be nice.
440
00:23:09,470 --> 00:23:11,110
He was all so serious
and statesman-like.
441
00:23:11,150 --> 00:23:13,510
Apple came under fire this week
for releasing an advert
442
00:23:13,550 --> 00:23:17,390
for their new iPad Pro.
443
00:23:17,430 --> 00:23:20,510
It was more than a week ago.
Er, OK, let's take that again.
444
00:23:20,550 --> 00:23:21,710
Recently.
445
00:23:21,750 --> 00:23:24,790
Recently. Apple...
446
00:23:24,830 --> 00:23:27,030
This is going to be hard to say
now.
447
00:23:27,070 --> 00:23:29,430
Apple came under fire this week
for...No, they didn't!
448
00:23:29,470 --> 00:23:34,430
No, they didn't.
449
00:23:34,990 --> 00:23:36,630
God, this is harder than it looks.
450
00:23:36,670 --> 00:23:39,030
Wait a minute,
he's a dog painted as a host!
451
00:23:39,070 --> 00:23:40,230
Let's just watch the advert.
452
00:23:40,270 --> 00:23:45,230
Yeah.
453
00:23:46,790 --> 00:23:50,230
# Sometimes when I'm down and all
alone
454
00:23:50,270 --> 00:23:53,990
# Oh, all I ever need is you
455
00:23:54,030 --> 00:23:58,990
# Winters come and they go
456
00:23:59,910 --> 00:24:04,830
# And we watch the melting snow
457
00:24:06,550 --> 00:24:11,510
# Sure as summer follows spring
458
00:24:13,430 --> 00:24:15,470
# All the things you do
459
00:24:15,510 --> 00:24:18,350
# Give me a reason to build my world
all around you
460
00:24:18,390 --> 00:24:23,350
# Some men follow rainbows
I am told... #
461
00:24:30,510 --> 00:24:33,030
The most powerful iPad
ever, is also the thinnest.
462
00:24:33,070 --> 00:24:34,230
Wow.
463
00:24:34,270 --> 00:24:37,710
All painting, all music,
sculpture... Human creativity.
464
00:24:37,750 --> 00:24:38,750
MIMICS SPLATTING
465
00:24:38,790 --> 00:24:40,750
Yeah, but look, it is thin.
466
00:24:40,790 --> 00:24:45,710
Art critic JJ Charlesworth
described the advert as...
467
00:25:02,510 --> 00:25:07,470
Now, why might the publicly-funded
BBC be causing advert controversy?
468
00:25:09,270 --> 00:25:11,630
Oh, they're doing adverts on
podcasts or something, aren't they?
469
00:25:11,670 --> 00:25:14,350
And then other people who do
podcasts, said, "This isn't fair."
470
00:25:14,390 --> 00:25:16,990
Yes. The BBC announced that it could
start selling advertising space
471
00:25:17,030 --> 00:25:19,630
on podcasts played on commercial
sites such as Apple and Spotify.
472
00:25:19,670 --> 00:25:22,070
Now, here's a controversial question
Are there too many podcasts?
473
00:25:22,110 --> 00:25:24,470
That's what my guests
will be discussing on this week's
474
00:25:24,510 --> 00:25:29,390
Phil Wang's Wangcast, available
to download now.
475
00:25:29,430 --> 00:25:30,830
Have you got one called Wangcast?
476
00:25:30,870 --> 00:25:34,030
I do now.
477
00:25:34,070 --> 00:25:36,790
Time now for The Missing Words
Round, which this week features
478
00:25:36,830 --> 00:25:41,750
as its guest publication,
The Clean Sheet - the magazine
479
00:25:41,790 --> 00:25:44,990
of the National Carpet Cleaners
Association.
480
00:25:45,030 --> 00:25:47,630
It can get a bit raunchy,
especially in the shag section.
481
00:25:47,670 --> 00:25:49,990
And we start with...
482
00:25:50,030 --> 00:25:54,990
RUTH:Take it out for a steak dinner
first.
483
00:26:09,790 --> 00:26:12,070
A bottle of red wine. Sorted.
484
00:26:12,110 --> 00:26:15,710
Sorry!
Why, Baroness...
485
00:26:15,750 --> 00:26:19,870
The commercial cleaning of a carpet
can be quite technical.
486
00:26:19,910 --> 00:26:23,030
Mind you, it's a doddle compared
to getting rainwater out of a suit.
487
00:26:23,070 --> 00:26:28,030
Next...
488
00:26:28,990 --> 00:26:32,070
Oh, I saw this one. Plan to bring
life to Bournemouth Town Centre
489
00:26:32,110 --> 00:26:33,510
include public hanging
and miniature golf.
490
00:26:33,550 --> 00:26:37,470
Get a ball around the clown's mouth
while hanging from a gibbet.
491
00:26:37,510 --> 00:26:40,590
RICHARD:Is it Shake 'N Vac?
492
00:26:40,630 --> 00:26:45,590
How did none of you get
fudge bus?Fudge bus?
493
00:26:56,190 --> 00:26:58,310
Here is the council's design
for the fudge bus.
494
00:26:58,350 --> 00:26:59,350
Oh, that's lovely.
495
00:26:59,390 --> 00:27:01,270
What's it say on the side?
Oh, yes.
496
00:27:01,310 --> 00:27:03,190
The NHS will be much richer...
497
00:27:03,230 --> 00:27:05,750
And finally...
498
00:27:06,550 --> 00:27:09,030
Switzerland?
499
00:27:09,070 --> 00:27:10,710
Two Mini Coopers?
500
00:27:10,750 --> 00:27:11,750
No, I'm afraid not.
501
00:27:11,790 --> 00:27:16,750
World's biggest wig?
502
00:27:16,910 --> 00:27:19,070
Would we like to...?
503
00:27:19,110 --> 00:27:21,230
Yeah. It's gone on the world's
biggest head, presumably.
504
00:27:21,270 --> 00:27:25,310
No, but that's just stupid,
isn't it?
505
00:27:25,350 --> 00:27:29,510
RUTH:It looks like it's made
out of Highland cattle hair.
506
00:27:29,550 --> 00:27:31,910
It actually looks like one
of those sewage treatment plants,
507
00:27:31,950 --> 00:27:33,350
you know, where they have things...
508
00:27:33,390 --> 00:27:35,830
..treating the water.
509
00:27:35,870 --> 00:27:37,030
So the final scores are...
510
00:27:37,070 --> 00:27:39,750
Ian and Ruth have six.
511
00:27:39,790 --> 00:27:43,270
But just ahead, with seven,
are Paul and Richard!
512
00:27:43,310 --> 00:27:47,190
Well done. Well done.
513
00:27:47,230 --> 00:27:51,630
But before we go, there's just time
for the caption competition.
514
00:27:51,670 --> 00:27:56,630
Same time next week, love?
515
00:27:57,270 --> 00:28:00,110
On which note, we say thank
you to our panellists, Ian Hislop
516
00:28:00,150 --> 00:28:03,950
and Ruth Davidson, Paul
Merton and Richard Osman.
517
00:28:03,990 --> 00:28:06,830
And I leave you with news
that after a shipment of bamboo
518
00:28:06,870 --> 00:28:08,870
is stolen from Shanghai
International Airport, investigators
519
00:28:08,910 --> 00:28:11,990
say they won't rest until they find
out which member of their ground
520
00:28:12,030 --> 00:28:17,030
team is responsible.
521
00:28:18,230 --> 00:28:23,190
PAUL:What's that Labrador doing
at the airport?
522
00:28:23,230 --> 00:28:26,270
A swingers' party in Leeds is ruined
after a guest with a magnetic
523
00:28:26,310 --> 00:28:31,150
pacemaker walks past the fruit bowl.
524
00:28:31,190 --> 00:28:34,030
And in Stockton, one man desperately
tries to escape for his life
525
00:28:34,070 --> 00:28:36,190
as he feels himself slowly
being bored to death.
526
00:28:36,230 --> 00:28:41,190
Goodnight.