1 00:00:04,270 --> 00:00:07,310 I'm Phil. I got this gig last night and my first time hosting. 2 00:00:07,350 --> 00:00:08,350 Very excited! 3 00:00:08,390 --> 00:00:11,910 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 4 00:00:11,950 --> 00:00:13,830 The originally planned host had to be cancelled 5 00:00:13,870 --> 00:00:15,390 for impartiality things, 6 00:00:15,430 --> 00:00:17,630 because the election was announced yesterday, 7 00:00:17,670 --> 00:00:20,510 which I think makes me the only person I know who's benefited 8 00:00:20,550 --> 00:00:23,830 from Rishi Sunak's premiership. 9 00:00:23,870 --> 00:00:28,830 This programme contains some strong language. 10 00:00:48,710 --> 00:00:54,670 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 11 00:01:03,590 --> 00:01:05,950 Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. 12 00:01:05,990 --> 00:01:07,590 I'm Phil Wang. 13 00:01:07,630 --> 00:01:09,750 In the news this week - old footage emerges 14 00:01:09,790 --> 00:01:14,750 of how Anton du Beke lost his job at the London Aquarium. 15 00:01:20,350 --> 00:01:21,750 In Oxfordshire, after years of torment, 16 00:01:21,790 --> 00:01:22,990 Brian Blessed's downstairs neighbours snap 17 00:01:23,030 --> 00:01:27,990 and get their revenge. 18 00:01:34,030 --> 00:01:35,910 And in Downing Street, amid the media frenzy, 19 00:01:35,950 --> 00:01:37,830 one journalist tries to get a discreet word 20 00:01:37,870 --> 00:01:40,150 with the Prime Minister. 21 00:01:40,190 --> 00:01:42,070 Finally... Are you looking forward to the election? 22 00:01:42,110 --> 00:01:47,070 Can you win it? Can you win it? 23 00:01:48,470 --> 00:01:51,310 On Ian's team tonight is a member of the House of Lords 24 00:01:51,350 --> 00:01:54,270 who once wanted to become a war correspondent. 25 00:01:54,310 --> 00:01:55,950 In dangerous territory, surrounded by enemy forces 26 00:01:55,990 --> 00:01:57,150 and a hostile local population, 27 00:01:57,190 --> 00:02:02,150 she led the Scottish Conservative Party for eight years. 28 00:02:02,630 --> 00:02:03,790 Please welcome Baroness Ruth Davidson. 29 00:02:03,830 --> 00:02:08,790 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 30 00:02:10,270 --> 00:02:13,350 On Paul's team tonight is an author whose book The Thursday Murder Club 31 00:02:13,390 --> 00:02:15,510 is being turned into a film by Steven Spielberg, 32 00:02:15,550 --> 00:02:17,670 who hasn't made too many changes to the original, 33 00:02:17,710 --> 00:02:21,510 although now the killer is a velociraptor. 34 00:02:21,550 --> 00:02:22,550 Please welcome Richard Osman. 35 00:02:22,590 --> 00:02:27,550 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 36 00:02:30,230 --> 00:02:32,550 We begin with the big news stories of the week. 37 00:02:32,590 --> 00:02:36,070 Ian and Ruth, have a look at this. 38 00:02:36,110 --> 00:02:37,270 Oh, God, it's Drowning Street. 39 00:02:37,310 --> 00:02:40,670 Things can only get wetter. 40 00:02:40,710 --> 00:02:42,750 There he is, pretending it's fine. 41 00:02:42,790 --> 00:02:45,630 Oh, this is balance. We have the Lib Dems second. 42 00:02:45,670 --> 00:02:46,670 Third, Labour. 43 00:02:46,710 --> 00:02:51,670 I don't think so. 44 00:02:51,910 --> 00:02:55,710 So, apparently, there's going to be an election. Yes. 45 00:02:55,750 --> 00:02:58,110 Now, we do have to be very careful about balance. 46 00:02:58,150 --> 00:03:00,270 Why have we got a Tory Baroness on, then? 47 00:03:00,310 --> 00:03:05,270 I'm absolute hardline Reform, so it's OK. 48 00:03:08,670 --> 00:03:12,230 The one thing that a prime minister has in his locker is that they get 49 00:03:12,270 --> 00:03:15,070 to choose the exact timing and the manner in which you call 50 00:03:15,110 --> 00:03:16,150 for an election. 51 00:03:16,190 --> 00:03:20,110 So you really get to nail the announcement. 52 00:03:20,150 --> 00:03:22,510 We do actually have a clip of this auspicious announcement, 53 00:03:22,550 --> 00:03:26,470 shall we have a look? 54 00:03:26,510 --> 00:03:28,390 And with a clear plan and bold action, 55 00:03:28,430 --> 00:03:30,550 we'll deliver a secure future for you, your family, 56 00:03:30,590 --> 00:03:35,550 and our United Kingdom. 57 00:03:40,230 --> 00:03:43,310 You can just sort of tell that once the door shut behind him, 58 00:03:43,350 --> 00:03:44,910 all you could hear was, "AAAAGH!" 59 00:03:44,950 --> 00:03:47,790 RICHARD:No, I bet he would have shook himself like a dog. 60 00:03:47,830 --> 00:03:50,190 His hair was standing up pretty good in that downpour. 61 00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:51,950 Wasn't it just? That's amazing. 62 00:03:51,990 --> 00:03:54,830 Whoever does his hair should be in charge of stopping the boats. 63 00:03:54,870 --> 00:03:55,870 Yeah. 64 00:03:55,910 --> 00:04:00,870 Could this be interpreted as God being angry with the Tories? 65 00:04:01,390 --> 00:04:03,470 I think it could. And when you're delivering this... 66 00:04:03,510 --> 00:04:07,350 I was just saying that for balance. 67 00:04:07,390 --> 00:04:09,350 Yeah, you have to maintain a balance. 68 00:04:09,390 --> 00:04:11,550 So every time we say something against somebody, 69 00:04:11,590 --> 00:04:14,190 we have to sort of balance that by saying something positive, 70 00:04:14,230 --> 00:04:15,510 as Ian's just demonstrated. 71 00:04:15,550 --> 00:04:18,590 Absolutely. So you could say the launch of the election by Sunak 72 00:04:18,630 --> 00:04:19,630 was really pitiful. 73 00:04:19,670 --> 00:04:22,990 But the next day, he was dreadful. Yeah. 74 00:04:23,030 --> 00:04:24,030 Yes, exactly. 75 00:04:24,070 --> 00:04:27,390 I was thinking, if Rishi Sunak had a suit that shrunk in the wet, 76 00:04:27,430 --> 00:04:31,110 it could look like he was growing. 77 00:04:31,150 --> 00:04:36,110 He's so desperate to lose. You can see it. 78 00:04:36,270 --> 00:04:41,110 He just... He wants to go on holiday in August, doesn't he? 79 00:04:41,150 --> 00:04:43,990 Do you know what? He wants to move to LA, doesn't he? 80 00:04:44,030 --> 00:04:45,910 The school year presumably starts in September. Yeah. 81 00:04:45,950 --> 00:04:48,790 So he's thinking, "I'm not going to have an election in November." 82 00:04:48,830 --> 00:04:50,470 He is so desperate to lose. Yeah. 83 00:04:50,510 --> 00:04:52,870 He literally never wants to hear the word "sewage" again. 84 00:04:52,910 --> 00:04:55,030 He never wants to hear the word "Rwanda" again. 85 00:04:55,070 --> 00:04:57,430 He never wants to hear the word "Grant Shapps" again. 86 00:04:57,470 --> 00:05:00,070 He's got to pretend that he's putting his all into it. 87 00:05:00,110 --> 00:05:01,510 He was behind that door going, 88 00:05:01,550 --> 00:05:03,950 "The second it starts raining, tell me. I'm going out. 89 00:05:03,990 --> 00:05:05,350 "Umbrella? Oh, no." Yeah. "Oh, no." 90 00:05:05,390 --> 00:05:08,230 He doesn't want to do the job any more. 91 00:05:08,270 --> 00:05:10,870 Well, I mean, it's the first time he's been in touch 92 00:05:10,910 --> 00:05:12,790 with the British public. 93 00:05:12,830 --> 00:05:14,030 Well, you might be right, 94 00:05:14,070 --> 00:05:17,150 because do you know how this has gone down with the British public? 95 00:05:17,190 --> 00:05:18,590 Shall we have a look?Yes. 96 00:05:18,630 --> 00:05:19,590 I'm not bothered. 97 00:05:19,630 --> 00:05:21,070 That's the big thing, 98 00:05:21,110 --> 00:05:23,830 people need to get to the voting stations. Super. 99 00:05:23,870 --> 00:05:28,830 They're all a load of prats. 100 00:05:34,310 --> 00:05:37,390 The last time there was a general election in July was in 1945. 101 00:05:37,430 --> 00:05:38,430 Yes! Yes. 102 00:05:38,470 --> 00:05:40,350 Famously, Winston Churchill lost a landslide to Labour 103 00:05:40,390 --> 00:05:41,550 just after World War II, 104 00:05:41,590 --> 00:05:43,950 whereas Rishi is going to lose a landslide to Labour 105 00:05:43,990 --> 00:05:45,670 just before World War III. 106 00:05:45,710 --> 00:05:49,910 That is interesting. Yeah, how about that? 107 00:05:49,950 --> 00:05:52,350 Also for balance, let's have a look at Keir Starmer 108 00:05:52,390 --> 00:05:55,510 making a salmon tandoori on Channel 4's Sunday Brunch, shall we? 109 00:05:55,550 --> 00:06:00,510 BLENDER WHIRRING 110 00:06:07,990 --> 00:06:12,950 Angela Rayner - "GRRR! RRRR! RRRR!" 111 00:06:13,750 --> 00:06:16,110 Now, how is Starmer planning to win over the electorate? 112 00:06:16,150 --> 00:06:19,030 Say nothing for six weeks and you're in. 113 00:06:19,070 --> 00:06:24,030 Almost. He's telling voters... 114 00:06:28,150 --> 00:06:31,270 Nothing gets past him, does it? 115 00:06:31,310 --> 00:06:33,430 Someone else is ready and raring for election action. 116 00:06:33,470 --> 00:06:35,590 Do you know who that might be? Nigel Farage. 117 00:06:35,630 --> 00:06:36,630 Well, no...Not Farage. 118 00:06:36,670 --> 00:06:38,030 He said he won't stand. 119 00:06:38,070 --> 00:06:39,710 At the moment his country needs him, 120 00:06:39,750 --> 00:06:43,230 he said, "Oh, I'm a bit busy." 121 00:06:43,270 --> 00:06:45,150 He literally said, "There's a big important election 122 00:06:45,190 --> 00:06:47,910 "going on in America," 123 00:06:47,950 --> 00:06:52,510 where he can go and make more money, presumably. 124 00:06:52,550 --> 00:06:54,430 Right, yes. I have no proof of that. 125 00:06:54,470 --> 00:06:57,310 I'm just saying that were he to be the sort of person 126 00:06:57,350 --> 00:06:59,230 who just was in it for the money, 127 00:06:59,270 --> 00:07:04,230 he would go to America and make it. 128 00:07:04,390 --> 00:07:05,390 In terms of balance, 129 00:07:05,430 --> 00:07:07,550 I think I should add here to Ian's comment 130 00:07:07,590 --> 00:07:10,190 that he wants to go to America to make money - 131 00:07:10,230 --> 00:07:11,630 he wants to go to Canada. 132 00:07:11,670 --> 00:07:13,310 Now, the person who seems most excited 133 00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:14,750 for the election is, in fact, 134 00:07:14,790 --> 00:07:16,190 Ann Widdecombe from the Reform Party. 135 00:07:16,230 --> 00:07:18,950 There she is. 136 00:07:18,990 --> 00:07:20,150 RICHARD:Sorry, where is she? 137 00:07:20,190 --> 00:07:21,190 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 138 00:07:21,230 --> 00:07:26,190 What about the SNP? 139 00:07:28,590 --> 00:07:32,470 Ruth, say something about them, please. 140 00:07:32,510 --> 00:07:33,510 Er... Ooh. 141 00:07:33,550 --> 00:07:37,510 Around the time the new First Minister was standing up, 142 00:07:37,550 --> 00:07:38,550 launching the SNP's campaign, 143 00:07:38,590 --> 00:07:40,710 the police in Scotland put out a notice saying 144 00:07:40,750 --> 00:07:42,870 that they'd just informed prosecutors and passed their report 145 00:07:42,910 --> 00:07:45,950 into the embezzlement of SNP party funds. 146 00:07:45,990 --> 00:07:47,550 So I was just thinking, you know, 147 00:07:47,590 --> 00:07:51,510 maybe Rishi didn't have the only terrible launch... 148 00:07:51,550 --> 00:07:53,670 Now, who might be particularly delighted with the timing 149 00:07:53,710 --> 00:07:54,710 of the election announcement? 150 00:07:54,750 --> 00:07:57,710 Paula Vennells... Mm-hm? 151 00:07:57,750 --> 00:08:00,350 ..from the Post Office, because she was up in the inquiry 152 00:08:00,390 --> 00:08:02,270 and it blasted her off the front pages 153 00:08:02,310 --> 00:08:05,990 and she would have got an absolute shellacking. 154 00:08:06,030 --> 00:08:07,670 That's right. Former Post Office head honcho 155 00:08:07,710 --> 00:08:11,750 and national sweetheart Paula Vennells. 156 00:08:11,790 --> 00:08:12,790 She cried four times. 157 00:08:12,830 --> 00:08:15,070 For herself. 158 00:08:15,110 --> 00:08:19,710 It was a really disgraceful performance and I think... 159 00:08:19,750 --> 00:08:20,910 APPLAUSE Yeah, it was appalling. 160 00:08:20,950 --> 00:08:23,550 She said things like, "I didn't know that they were prosecuting 161 00:08:23,590 --> 00:08:27,470 "these people when I took over." 162 00:08:27,510 --> 00:08:29,150 And you think, that...that just isn't true! 163 00:08:29,190 --> 00:08:31,950 It's all lies. 164 00:08:31,990 --> 00:08:33,870 I mean, she is now in the inquiry 165 00:08:33,910 --> 00:08:35,550 trying to blame her colleagues, which is... 166 00:08:35,590 --> 00:08:37,950 The entire point of the inquiry is that she's already 167 00:08:37,990 --> 00:08:40,830 blamed people who didn't do it in an attempt to cover herself, 168 00:08:40,870 --> 00:08:44,990 and now she's doing it again! 169 00:08:45,030 --> 00:08:47,870 I also just don't understand how you can come and take over 170 00:08:47,910 --> 00:08:49,550 an organisation where suddenly, out of nowhere, 171 00:08:49,590 --> 00:08:51,230 after a new computer system comes in, 172 00:08:51,270 --> 00:08:54,110 one in 12 people that work for you has got their hands 173 00:08:54,150 --> 00:08:56,990 in the till and you never previously noticed, even though they worked 174 00:08:57,030 --> 00:09:00,110 for you for 30 years before that. 175 00:09:00,150 --> 00:09:02,030 RICHARD:And you work for the Tory Party! 176 00:09:02,070 --> 00:09:03,190 I know! Right?! 177 00:09:03,230 --> 00:09:06,630 But if what is happening is that the amount of money 178 00:09:06,670 --> 00:09:09,270 that you claim they've stolen is returned to the Post Office, 179 00:09:09,310 --> 00:09:12,630 and then you take it out as a bonus - which they did - 180 00:09:12,670 --> 00:09:15,870 that's straightforward theft. Um... 181 00:09:15,910 --> 00:09:17,790 APPLAUSE I was going to call it corruption. 182 00:09:17,830 --> 00:09:18,830 It's worse than that. 183 00:09:18,870 --> 00:09:22,790 Is it worse than corruption? OK. 184 00:09:22,830 --> 00:09:24,430 She did show some humility - 185 00:09:24,470 --> 00:09:28,630 what did Vennells admit was a personal failure? 186 00:09:28,670 --> 00:09:30,310 Oh, she said she was too trusting. 187 00:09:30,350 --> 00:09:31,990 I mean, that's the Prince Andrew defence. 188 00:09:32,030 --> 00:09:36,990 "I was too noble." 189 00:09:37,190 --> 00:09:39,950 "I can't sweat," she said. 190 00:09:39,990 --> 00:09:41,870 "I use all my inner water for tears." 191 00:09:41,910 --> 00:09:46,870 And her tears reached Number 10 Downing Street, didn't they? 192 00:09:50,350 --> 00:09:55,310 Do you know what the inquiry chair, Sir Wyn Williams, asked her? 193 00:09:55,630 --> 00:09:58,230 Did he say, "Why are you played by a different actor 194 00:09:58,270 --> 00:10:01,070 "than in the TV show?" 195 00:10:01,110 --> 00:10:02,270 He wanted to know more 196 00:10:02,310 --> 00:10:03,710 about a briefing document Vennells received, 197 00:10:03,750 --> 00:10:06,150 which advised her to only provide certain information 198 00:10:06,190 --> 00:10:07,630 if really pushed to do so. 199 00:10:07,670 --> 00:10:11,630 Let's have a look. 200 00:10:11,670 --> 00:10:14,550 If I were to suggest to you that you were being advised 201 00:10:14,590 --> 00:10:16,710 to be very precise, very circumspect 202 00:10:16,750 --> 00:10:21,710 and very guarded about what you said - 203 00:10:22,030 --> 00:10:26,990 that was the effect of that document, would you agree? 204 00:10:29,230 --> 00:10:32,190 I would, Sir Wyn. 205 00:10:32,230 --> 00:10:34,110 I'm not sure I would have noticed that 206 00:10:34,150 --> 00:10:36,550 on the morning of the day. 207 00:10:36,590 --> 00:10:40,230 But you'll see the point in a moment - 208 00:10:40,270 --> 00:10:42,630 that was the effect that was trying to be created 209 00:10:42,670 --> 00:10:47,630 by those who created that document. 210 00:10:48,910 --> 00:10:53,870 It could have been, yes. Right. Yes. Why? 211 00:11:07,630 --> 00:11:10,830 With hindsight, because possibly... 212 00:11:10,870 --> 00:11:13,070 And if you need time to think about it... 213 00:11:13,110 --> 00:11:16,190 No, I don't... ..you can tell me in the morning. It's all right. 214 00:11:16,230 --> 00:11:19,630 No, no, that's enough now. 215 00:11:19,670 --> 00:11:24,630 Brutal.Wow. If you need time, how about ten years? 216 00:11:24,790 --> 00:11:27,350 Is there any likelihood that she will end up in prison, 217 00:11:27,390 --> 00:11:30,230 do you think? I think as soon as the inquiry is over, 218 00:11:30,270 --> 00:11:32,630 the incoming government, be it Labour or Conservative... 219 00:11:32,670 --> 00:11:36,510 RICHARD:Or Lib Dem. 220 00:11:36,550 --> 00:11:38,910 Or Lib Dem. RUTH:Or Plaid Cymru. Or Plaid Cymru. 221 00:11:38,950 --> 00:11:41,550 One of the ways we could make an early popular success 222 00:11:41,590 --> 00:11:43,950 is prosecute some of the people at the Post Office. 223 00:11:43,990 --> 00:11:46,110 I think it'd be a really good first week. 224 00:11:46,150 --> 00:11:50,430 APPLAUSE 225 00:11:50,470 --> 00:11:53,310 This is the news that Rishi Sunak's new job in Silicon Valley 226 00:11:53,350 --> 00:11:54,510 apparently starts on July 5th. 227 00:11:54,550 --> 00:11:59,310 The Post Office inquiry continues. 228 00:11:59,350 --> 00:12:01,230 When news of the Post Office scandal broke, 229 00:12:01,270 --> 00:12:03,630 Paula Vennells also had a job with the NHS - 230 00:12:03,670 --> 00:12:05,310 now embroiled in the contaminated blood scandal, 231 00:12:05,350 --> 00:12:07,710 so she just needs a role with South West Water 232 00:12:07,750 --> 00:12:12,710 and she's got the set. 233 00:12:13,110 --> 00:12:14,510 While seemingly turning a blind eye 234 00:12:14,550 --> 00:12:15,950 to the wrongful convictions of subpostmasters, 235 00:12:15,990 --> 00:12:18,590 Paula Vennells also served as an Anglican vicar 236 00:12:18,630 --> 00:12:21,230 and could often be heard in church telling the famous parable 237 00:12:21,270 --> 00:12:26,230 of the Screwing of the 5,000. 238 00:12:27,590 --> 00:12:29,430 I love the use of the word "seemingly". 239 00:12:29,470 --> 00:12:34,430 That was very good. Can we just check the lawyer's awake? 240 00:12:34,710 --> 00:12:36,150 What would you say, Ian? 241 00:12:36,190 --> 00:12:37,830 Ignoring wilfully through perverse and evil motivation. 242 00:12:37,870 --> 00:12:42,830 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 243 00:12:47,350 --> 00:12:49,230 Paul and Richard, take a look at this. 244 00:12:49,270 --> 00:12:51,990 Right. Well, there we are. 245 00:12:52,030 --> 00:12:56,790 He's a proud man. 246 00:12:56,830 --> 00:12:57,830 Sausages. 247 00:12:57,870 --> 00:12:59,590 Sausages. 248 00:12:59,630 --> 00:13:02,710 There's a man who's created a world record in creating so many sausages 249 00:13:02,750 --> 00:13:05,110 in a minute, and he's beaten off all on-comers. In-comers. 250 00:13:05,150 --> 00:13:06,550 Has he? So, two world records? 251 00:13:06,590 --> 00:13:10,190 Two world records, yeah. Two world records. 252 00:13:10,230 --> 00:13:14,990 PHIL HONKS WITH LAUGHTER 253 00:13:15,030 --> 00:13:17,910 "Cumberland? Or is that just the way your trousers are hanging? 254 00:13:17,950 --> 00:13:21,030 This is the news that a butcher in Bedfordshire has made 83 sausages 255 00:13:21,070 --> 00:13:23,430 in one minute - and that's a new world record! 256 00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:27,990 CHEERING, WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE 257 00:13:28,030 --> 00:13:29,670 Sorry, you gave Ian the election... Yeah. 258 00:13:29,710 --> 00:13:33,390 ..and Paul... Equally important news story. 259 00:13:33,430 --> 00:13:36,350 ..the world sausage record. Yeah. 260 00:13:36,390 --> 00:13:39,550 That was only the UK election, and that's aworld record. 261 00:13:39,590 --> 00:13:41,430 Oh, actually, yeah. Yeah, that's true enough. 262 00:13:41,470 --> 00:13:43,110 Yeah. Unlucky, Ian. Yeah. 263 00:13:43,150 --> 00:13:47,230 What else did Bedfordshire's Gavin Reynolds have to do 264 00:13:47,270 --> 00:13:52,230 with his 83 Lincolnshire sausages? 265 00:13:52,910 --> 00:13:54,990 Well, you've got to twist them and display them. 266 00:13:55,030 --> 00:13:57,750 Yeah, yeah. 267 00:13:57,790 --> 00:13:59,190 Have you got to sell them? 268 00:13:59,230 --> 00:14:00,230 What, in a minute? 269 00:14:00,270 --> 00:14:02,630 83 sausages? 270 00:14:02,670 --> 00:14:05,870 It's not The Apprentice! Blimey. 271 00:14:05,910 --> 00:14:09,390 You know your sausages. You're right. You have to link them. 272 00:14:09,430 --> 00:14:10,870 Yeah. Look at him go! 273 00:14:10,910 --> 00:14:15,030 OK. Ruth, you've tried linking sausages? 274 00:14:15,070 --> 00:14:17,670 I went to the Queen's butcher in Ballater, next to Balmoral, 275 00:14:17,710 --> 00:14:20,070 on a campaign visit and had to have a go 276 00:14:20,110 --> 00:14:21,110 with their sausage-making machine. 277 00:14:21,150 --> 00:14:23,510 And it turns out that, inexplicably, I'm shit at it. 278 00:14:23,550 --> 00:14:26,870 Er, so... 279 00:14:26,910 --> 00:14:31,870 Not a big fan of having sausages in my hands. 280 00:14:35,270 --> 00:14:36,670 Why do politicians do those things? 281 00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:40,270 If someone says, "Oh, we're going to go to this butcher, going to 282 00:14:40,310 --> 00:14:42,430 You think, "That sounds like a really bad idea." 283 00:14:42,470 --> 00:14:44,830 Yeah, but it's so much better than sitting in Parliament. 284 00:14:44,870 --> 00:14:49,710 And that may explain why the country doesn't function. 285 00:14:49,750 --> 00:14:53,270 Meanwhile, what unusual product has Dutch farmer 286 00:14:53,310 --> 00:14:58,270 Erik Stegink created? 287 00:14:58,750 --> 00:15:03,710 Edible banister? 288 00:15:06,750 --> 00:15:08,630 Well, no, he's actually kicked up a bit 289 00:15:08,670 --> 00:15:11,030 of a "stegink" by creating an ice cream made from... 290 00:15:11,070 --> 00:15:12,070 ALL: Ooh. 291 00:15:12,110 --> 00:15:15,630 This follows the success of his other product... 292 00:15:15,670 --> 00:15:20,310 Coincidentally, also a redacted 293 00:15:20,350 --> 00:15:25,310 phrase from Stormy Daniels' witness statement. 294 00:15:32,790 --> 00:15:36,190 Oh, dear. Goodnight, everyone! 295 00:15:36,230 --> 00:15:38,070 From pigs to cows.Yes. 296 00:15:38,110 --> 00:15:41,270 What trouble has cow shit caused recently? 297 00:15:41,310 --> 00:15:44,030 Oh, this is the water contamination, isn't it? The bug. 298 00:15:44,070 --> 00:15:46,350 Oh, cryptosporidium. Yes. 299 00:15:46,390 --> 00:15:49,190 Well done.Yeah. 300 00:15:49,230 --> 00:15:51,830 The drinking water of 16,000 customers in Devon 301 00:15:51,870 --> 00:15:53,750 has been contaminated by cow shit 302 00:15:53,790 --> 00:15:56,030 getting into the pipework. 303 00:15:56,070 --> 00:15:59,710 Yeah, this was a mistake because it was meant to be human faeces. 304 00:15:59,750 --> 00:16:03,430 And for some reason, the water company made a terrible error. 305 00:16:03,470 --> 00:16:07,790 And they're going to have an inquiry in 2058. 306 00:16:07,830 --> 00:16:09,950 But it's good news for me, because I've invested 307 00:16:09,990 --> 00:16:11,550 in cryptosporidium, so... 308 00:16:11,590 --> 00:16:16,550 I'm afraid it might be what's called the Shitcoin. 309 00:16:19,790 --> 00:16:22,150 Water consumers in Devon have been told not to panic, 310 00:16:22,190 --> 00:16:27,150 following an outbreak of... 311 00:16:28,910 --> 00:16:31,230 Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious. 312 00:16:31,270 --> 00:16:36,230 And so to round two. It's time for the one-armed bandit of news. 313 00:16:37,950 --> 00:16:42,910 Fingers on buzzers, teams. 314 00:16:44,870 --> 00:16:47,910 BELL 315 00:16:47,950 --> 00:16:49,830 This is about museums that are so obscure, 316 00:16:49,870 --> 00:16:54,830 they have fewer than one person a day that comes to visit them. 317 00:16:58,070 --> 00:16:59,030 That's right, yeah. 318 00:16:59,070 --> 00:17:01,190 Do you have any idea which attractions these are? 319 00:17:01,230 --> 00:17:02,390 The Pencil Museum in Keswick? 320 00:17:02,430 --> 00:17:06,230 Oh, yeah. If it rains when you happen to be in the Lakes, you 321 00:17:06,270 --> 00:17:07,430 to the Keswick Pencil Museum. 322 00:17:07,470 --> 00:17:09,590 Does it often rain in England? I'm just asking. 323 00:17:09,630 --> 00:17:10,630 Ask the Prime Minister. 324 00:17:10,670 --> 00:17:11,670 Asking for a friend. 325 00:17:11,710 --> 00:17:15,990 He doesn't have an umbrella. 326 00:17:16,030 --> 00:17:18,870 Well, the list of 20 or so attractions includes the Bay Museum 327 00:17:18,910 --> 00:17:20,790 on Canvey Island. 328 00:17:20,830 --> 00:17:22,550 That looks good. 329 00:17:22,590 --> 00:17:27,550 Well, the BBC suggested the museum looked... 330 00:17:29,590 --> 00:17:31,590 They're not entirely wrong. 331 00:17:31,630 --> 00:17:33,270 I saw something about the Bay Museum. 332 00:17:33,310 --> 00:17:36,390 There's, like, three guys who work there and no-one visits. 333 00:17:36,430 --> 00:17:39,510 It must be an absolutely lovely, lovely cup of tea in the warm. 334 00:17:39,550 --> 00:17:42,430 And then every now and again, 335 00:17:42,470 --> 00:17:44,830 someone comes along, like, a tourist. They're, "Oh, fuck sake!" 336 00:17:44,870 --> 00:17:48,030 "We're closed!" "It's near 12. Sorry." 337 00:17:48,070 --> 00:17:52,910 The museum treasurer Martin Daniell told the BBC, 338 00:17:56,390 --> 00:17:59,950 Hostages. 339 00:17:59,990 --> 00:18:03,070 Why did some of the scarcely visited attractions not respond to the BBC's 340 00:18:03,110 --> 00:18:06,750 request for a comment? 341 00:18:06,790 --> 00:18:09,390 You've actually touched on... Because they don't want people to 342 00:18:09,430 --> 00:18:12,510 A lot of them, not all of them, are fronts for drug gangs. 343 00:18:12,550 --> 00:18:14,430 Not all of them. Not all of them. 344 00:18:14,470 --> 00:18:16,870 Not all of them. Just...just most of them. 345 00:18:16,910 --> 00:18:19,190 If you look down the list, there's, 346 00:18:19,230 --> 00:18:21,350 yeah, a lot of them. A lot of them. 347 00:18:21,390 --> 00:18:23,750 Not all of them. No, no. 348 00:18:23,790 --> 00:18:25,190 But not none of them. 349 00:18:25,230 --> 00:18:28,310 Definitely not none of them. 350 00:18:28,350 --> 00:18:33,310 What do these museums offer that larger attractions might not? 351 00:18:34,030 --> 00:18:35,190 Huge bales of cocaine? 352 00:18:35,230 --> 00:18:39,950 In some of them.Some of them. Not all of them. Not all of them.Not in 353 00:18:39,990 --> 00:18:41,430 Some of them are real museums. 354 00:18:41,470 --> 00:18:43,110 A couple of them are real museums. 355 00:18:43,150 --> 00:18:45,030 Yeah, more or less. Volunteers say they offer 356 00:18:45,070 --> 00:18:46,230 a more personal, bespoke experience. 357 00:18:46,270 --> 00:18:50,550 Karen Hillier, a volunteer at Longthorpe Tower, said... 358 00:18:58,790 --> 00:19:00,950 You gave a little ooh at bonnacon there, Ian? 359 00:19:00,990 --> 00:19:03,430 Yes, I mean the bonnacon... 360 00:19:03,470 --> 00:19:05,110 It's in a lot of early-medieval bestiaries. 361 00:19:05,150 --> 00:19:08,070 It featured in a very, very good documentary on Radio 4 by... 362 00:19:08,110 --> 00:19:11,710 Oh, it was me! 363 00:19:11,750 --> 00:19:14,550 It literally - it ejects this sort of projectile poo. 364 00:19:14,590 --> 00:19:17,550 There's a picture of it killing various knights who've set out 365 00:19:17,590 --> 00:19:22,150 to try and deal with the bonnacon. And there he is... That's just a 366 00:19:22,190 --> 00:19:26,110 Did you say a farting Hislop? A Vizsla. 367 00:19:26,150 --> 00:19:30,950 But it's mythical. What you described - it never happened. And 368 00:19:30,990 --> 00:19:32,630 What a fraud you are. Yeah, yeah. 369 00:19:32,670 --> 00:19:37,350 On the radio, where you can't see it. Yeah. 370 00:19:37,390 --> 00:19:40,710 I bet it's some bloke going like that into a microphone. 371 00:19:40,750 --> 00:19:44,830 I'm embarrassed now. You've shown me up. 372 00:19:44,870 --> 00:19:47,470 This is the news that some of Britain's museums average fewer 373 00:19:47,510 --> 00:19:51,230 than one visitor a day. 374 00:19:51,270 --> 00:19:54,150 The Bay Museum's star exhibit is an engine cylinder from a B-17, 375 00:19:54,190 --> 00:19:57,230 which crashed at Canvey Point in 1944. 376 00:19:57,270 --> 00:19:58,870 Here's the engine cylinder. 377 00:19:58,910 --> 00:20:03,670 And I've saved you a trip. 378 00:20:03,710 --> 00:20:05,350 And time now for the odd-one-out round. 379 00:20:05,390 --> 00:20:09,070 Just one between you this week. 380 00:20:09,110 --> 00:20:13,190 They are a zoo in China... 381 00:20:13,230 --> 00:20:14,390 CEO of Apple, Tim Cook. 382 00:20:14,430 --> 00:20:15,990 Boris Johnson. And the BBC. 383 00:20:16,030 --> 00:20:17,670 BUZZER 384 00:20:17,710 --> 00:20:19,830 Now, the zoo in China didn't have any pandas. 385 00:20:19,870 --> 00:20:22,710 So what they did was they got hold of some little dogs 386 00:20:22,750 --> 00:20:25,310 and they painted them black and white and told people 387 00:20:25,350 --> 00:20:27,950 that they were pandas, but they were clearly dogs just painted 388 00:20:27,990 --> 00:20:30,350 black and white. That one? 389 00:20:30,390 --> 00:20:31,390 Yeah, that's right.OK. 390 00:20:31,430 --> 00:20:34,030 So it's about sort of like duplicity about pretending that something 391 00:20:34,070 --> 00:20:36,390 is what it isn't. 392 00:20:36,430 --> 00:20:39,990 How does that connect to Boris Johnson?! 393 00:20:40,030 --> 00:20:44,670 You know, I really don't know. 394 00:20:44,710 --> 00:20:47,310 And Tim, what's his name, from Apple. What was his name? 395 00:20:47,350 --> 00:20:50,910 Tim Cook. They had the advert, didn't they? Where they were 396 00:20:50,950 --> 00:20:52,590 It's about trying to advertise and sell. 397 00:20:52,630 --> 00:20:53,630 Sell stuff. Things. 398 00:20:53,670 --> 00:20:55,670 And what's Boris selling? 399 00:20:55,710 --> 00:21:00,430 Is he selling individual armpit warmers? 400 00:21:00,470 --> 00:21:02,590 BBC are the odd one out. Let's choose them. 401 00:21:02,630 --> 00:21:03,630 Yeah. 402 00:21:03,670 --> 00:21:05,510 No.No, it's Boris Johnson, imagine that. 403 00:21:05,550 --> 00:21:09,870 Is it Tim Cook. Is he the odd one out? 404 00:21:09,910 --> 00:21:11,550 No.It's got to be the panda! 405 00:21:11,590 --> 00:21:14,070 That is the only one. 406 00:21:14,110 --> 00:21:17,430 Why is it? Well, because they pretended that 407 00:21:17,470 --> 00:21:20,310 but they weren't real pandas. They were dogs painted black 408 00:21:20,350 --> 00:21:22,470 And no-one else... And no-one else has done that. 409 00:21:22,510 --> 00:21:23,510 Yeah. Nobody else. 410 00:21:23,550 --> 00:21:27,350 I'll give you the point. They've all caused controversy with media 411 00:21:27,390 --> 00:21:29,990 in China, which caused controversy with its publicity for panda cubs. 412 00:21:30,030 --> 00:21:33,630 Yeah, let's have a look at them. 413 00:21:33,670 --> 00:21:35,910 Well, why... Why were visitors to a zoo...? 414 00:21:35,950 --> 00:21:40,910 Look, we all want to see them. 415 00:21:41,190 --> 00:21:44,510 Why were visitors to a zoo in China upset by the panda cub attraction? 416 00:21:44,550 --> 00:21:47,390 Because they were dogs painted black and white. Let's have a look! 417 00:21:47,430 --> 00:21:50,870 What's going on, Richard? 418 00:21:50,910 --> 00:21:53,470 You have to double click. Double click, double click. 419 00:21:53,510 --> 00:21:57,390 Yes. The pandas at Jiangsu zoo looked like this. 420 00:21:57,430 --> 00:22:02,390 ALL: Ohhh! 421 00:22:02,430 --> 00:22:02,470 Oh, that's great, isn't it? That was worth it. 422 00:22:04,590 --> 00:22:08,990 Yeah. 423 00:22:09,030 --> 00:22:13,310 I can't believe I have to ask you this question, but what were the 424 00:22:13,350 --> 00:22:15,630 Because they were dogs painted black and white. 425 00:22:15,670 --> 00:22:20,630 Yeah. Visitors suspected that they were...Suspected?! 426 00:22:20,990 --> 00:22:25,950 Must be a "shit zoo". 427 00:22:35,070 --> 00:22:36,950 We did that joke in pantomime this year. 428 00:22:36,990 --> 00:22:39,350 Oh, no, you didn't. Oh, yes, we did. 429 00:22:39,390 --> 00:22:42,190 I was there. You were there. 430 00:22:42,230 --> 00:22:43,670 Your Widow Twankey was terrific. 431 00:22:43,710 --> 00:22:45,350 Pity we were doing Dick Whittington. 432 00:22:45,390 --> 00:22:48,150 But it was good. 433 00:22:48,190 --> 00:22:50,070 What advert is Boris Johnson reportedly involved with? 434 00:22:50,110 --> 00:22:55,070 Not armpit heaters? 435 00:22:55,390 --> 00:22:58,230 No. The Sun on Sunday reported that Johnson will make a cameo 436 00:22:58,270 --> 00:22:59,670 in an advert for Paddy Power 437 00:22:59,710 --> 00:23:01,750 during the Euros this summer.Oh, no. 438 00:23:01,790 --> 00:23:03,430 According to a source at Paddy Power... 439 00:23:03,470 --> 00:23:08,430 Oh, that'll be nice. 440 00:23:09,470 --> 00:23:11,110 He was all so serious and statesman-like. 441 00:23:11,150 --> 00:23:13,510 Apple came under fire this week for releasing an advert 442 00:23:13,550 --> 00:23:17,390 for their new iPad Pro. 443 00:23:17,430 --> 00:23:20,510 It was more than a week ago. Er, OK, let's take that again. 444 00:23:20,550 --> 00:23:21,710 Recently. 445 00:23:21,750 --> 00:23:24,790 Recently. Apple... 446 00:23:24,830 --> 00:23:27,030 This is going to be hard to say now. 447 00:23:27,070 --> 00:23:29,430 Apple came under fire this week for...No, they didn't! 448 00:23:29,470 --> 00:23:34,430 No, they didn't. 449 00:23:34,990 --> 00:23:36,630 God, this is harder than it looks. 450 00:23:36,670 --> 00:23:39,030 Wait a minute, he's a dog painted as a host! 451 00:23:39,070 --> 00:23:40,230 Let's just watch the advert. 452 00:23:40,270 --> 00:23:45,230 Yeah. 453 00:23:46,790 --> 00:23:50,230 # Sometimes when I'm down and all alone 454 00:23:50,270 --> 00:23:53,990 # Oh, all I ever need is you 455 00:23:54,030 --> 00:23:58,990 # Winters come and they go 456 00:23:59,910 --> 00:24:04,830 # And we watch the melting snow 457 00:24:06,550 --> 00:24:11,510 # Sure as summer follows spring 458 00:24:13,430 --> 00:24:15,470 # All the things you do 459 00:24:15,510 --> 00:24:18,350 # Give me a reason to build my world all around you 460 00:24:18,390 --> 00:24:23,350 # Some men follow rainbows I am told... # 461 00:24:30,510 --> 00:24:33,030 The most powerful iPad ever, is also the thinnest. 462 00:24:33,070 --> 00:24:34,230 Wow. 463 00:24:34,270 --> 00:24:37,710 All painting, all music, sculpture... Human creativity. 464 00:24:37,750 --> 00:24:38,750 MIMICS SPLATTING 465 00:24:38,790 --> 00:24:40,750 Yeah, but look, it is thin. 466 00:24:40,790 --> 00:24:45,710 Art critic JJ Charlesworth described the advert as... 467 00:25:02,510 --> 00:25:07,470 Now, why might the publicly-funded BBC be causing advert controversy? 468 00:25:09,270 --> 00:25:11,630 Oh, they're doing adverts on podcasts or something, aren't they? 469 00:25:11,670 --> 00:25:14,350 And then other people who do podcasts, said, "This isn't fair." 470 00:25:14,390 --> 00:25:16,990 Yes. The BBC announced that it could start selling advertising space 471 00:25:17,030 --> 00:25:19,630 on podcasts played on commercial sites such as Apple and Spotify. 472 00:25:19,670 --> 00:25:22,070 Now, here's a controversial question Are there too many podcasts? 473 00:25:22,110 --> 00:25:24,470 That's what my guests will be discussing on this week's 474 00:25:24,510 --> 00:25:29,390 Phil Wang's Wangcast, available to download now. 475 00:25:29,430 --> 00:25:30,830 Have you got one called Wangcast? 476 00:25:30,870 --> 00:25:34,030 I do now. 477 00:25:34,070 --> 00:25:36,790 Time now for The Missing Words Round, which this week features 478 00:25:36,830 --> 00:25:41,750 as its guest publication, The Clean Sheet - the magazine 479 00:25:41,790 --> 00:25:44,990 of the National Carpet Cleaners Association. 480 00:25:45,030 --> 00:25:47,630 It can get a bit raunchy, especially in the shag section. 481 00:25:47,670 --> 00:25:49,990 And we start with... 482 00:25:50,030 --> 00:25:54,990 RUTH:Take it out for a steak dinner first. 483 00:26:09,790 --> 00:26:12,070 A bottle of red wine. Sorted. 484 00:26:12,110 --> 00:26:15,710 Sorry! Why, Baroness... 485 00:26:15,750 --> 00:26:19,870 The commercial cleaning of a carpet can be quite technical. 486 00:26:19,910 --> 00:26:23,030 Mind you, it's a doddle compared to getting rainwater out of a suit. 487 00:26:23,070 --> 00:26:28,030 Next... 488 00:26:28,990 --> 00:26:32,070 Oh, I saw this one. Plan to bring life to Bournemouth Town Centre 489 00:26:32,110 --> 00:26:33,510 include public hanging and miniature golf. 490 00:26:33,550 --> 00:26:37,470 Get a ball around the clown's mouth while hanging from a gibbet. 491 00:26:37,510 --> 00:26:40,590 RICHARD:Is it Shake 'N Vac? 492 00:26:40,630 --> 00:26:45,590 How did none of you get fudge bus?Fudge bus? 493 00:26:56,190 --> 00:26:58,310 Here is the council's design for the fudge bus. 494 00:26:58,350 --> 00:26:59,350 Oh, that's lovely. 495 00:26:59,390 --> 00:27:01,270 What's it say on the side? Oh, yes. 496 00:27:01,310 --> 00:27:03,190 The NHS will be much richer... 497 00:27:03,230 --> 00:27:05,750 And finally... 498 00:27:06,550 --> 00:27:09,030 Switzerland? 499 00:27:09,070 --> 00:27:10,710 Two Mini Coopers? 500 00:27:10,750 --> 00:27:11,750 No, I'm afraid not. 501 00:27:11,790 --> 00:27:16,750 World's biggest wig? 502 00:27:16,910 --> 00:27:19,070 Would we like to...? 503 00:27:19,110 --> 00:27:21,230 Yeah. It's gone on the world's biggest head, presumably. 504 00:27:21,270 --> 00:27:25,310 No, but that's just stupid, isn't it? 505 00:27:25,350 --> 00:27:29,510 RUTH:It looks like it's made out of Highland cattle hair. 506 00:27:29,550 --> 00:27:31,910 It actually looks like one of those sewage treatment plants, 507 00:27:31,950 --> 00:27:33,350 you know, where they have things... 508 00:27:33,390 --> 00:27:35,830 ..treating the water. 509 00:27:35,870 --> 00:27:37,030 So the final scores are... 510 00:27:37,070 --> 00:27:39,750 Ian and Ruth have six. 511 00:27:39,790 --> 00:27:43,270 But just ahead, with seven, are Paul and Richard! 512 00:27:43,310 --> 00:27:47,190 Well done. Well done. 513 00:27:47,230 --> 00:27:51,630 But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition. 514 00:27:51,670 --> 00:27:56,630 Same time next week, love? 515 00:27:57,270 --> 00:28:00,110 On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop 516 00:28:00,150 --> 00:28:03,950 and Ruth Davidson, Paul Merton and Richard Osman. 517 00:28:03,990 --> 00:28:06,830 And I leave you with news that after a shipment of bamboo 518 00:28:06,870 --> 00:28:08,870 is stolen from Shanghai International Airport, investigators 519 00:28:08,910 --> 00:28:11,990 say they won't rest until they find out which member of their ground 520 00:28:12,030 --> 00:28:17,030 team is responsible. 521 00:28:18,230 --> 00:28:23,190 PAUL:What's that Labrador doing at the airport? 522 00:28:23,230 --> 00:28:26,270 A swingers' party in Leeds is ruined after a guest with a magnetic 523 00:28:26,310 --> 00:28:31,150 pacemaker walks past the fruit bowl. 524 00:28:31,190 --> 00:28:34,030 And in Stockton, one man desperately tries to escape for his life 525 00:28:34,070 --> 00:28:36,190 as he feels himself slowly being bored to death. 526 00:28:36,230 --> 00:28:41,190 Goodnight.