This programme contains very strong language.
Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
I'm Victoria Coren Mitchell.
In the news this week...
At Labour headquarters,
as Keir Starmer has to cancel his latest live election broadcast,
CCTV from the basement reveals
the cause of the mysterious power cut.
On a trip to a Bournemouth allotment, fed-up
aides decide not to tell Lib Dem leader Ed Davey
that he's just unearthed a live World War II grenade.
And in South West Norfolk, one focus group provides less than
reassuring feedback for a candidate hoping for re-election.
On Ian's team tonight is a Sky News presenter
and political correspondent.
So, with the general election campaign in full swing and political
stories dominating the headlines, she must be slightly worried
that they've encouraged her to be here.
Please welcome Sophy Ridge.
On Paul's team tonight is a comedian who claims he got down to the last
30 in the selection process to become a spy for MI5.
Not sure why he wasn't selected, but telling everyone he'd got
down to the last 30 may have had something to do with it.
Please welcome Chris McCausland.
We begin with the bigger news stories of the week, Paul and Chris.
Here's yours.
OK. We have a train. Rishi Sunak
stepping out of a train with a big smile on his face,
looking very happy.
That's Michael Gove writing in his own resignation card.
This is some soldiers from the 1950s. That must be
national conscription coming back, as a proposal by the Tories,
and Rishi Sunak sitting underneath an exit sign.
So that's essentially the pictures they've shown us. Yeah.
Rishi went on a train. He got off that train with a smile.
Yes. And this is how disingenuous he is.
He gets up and goes that the sleeper train was amazing.
If he wanted us to think he was a normal person,
he should have got off and said, "That was the most uncomfortable
"I had to sleep on a bed that was 18 inches wide, under sheets
"made by the same company that used to make the toilet paper
"for schools, and next to a sink that's had more people piss
in it than it's seen people brush their teeth."
"Vote Tory?"
Reassuringly, though, he did
actually, I think, get a helicopter back,
a private helicopter back home after the train journey.
Oh, phew! That's good optics, then, isn't it?
I didn't know they did that as a special return.
Who has not been on the campaign trail?
Clement Attlee?
Oh, Michael Gove. Michael Gove was there, wasn't he?
Because he's not going to stand in this next election.
A record number of MPs say they won't be standing, including
nearly 80 Conservatives.
This is all the Tory MPs who - they were told there's a
general election and they're furious because they're obviously
going to lose their jobs.
So a lot of them said, "Well, I won't stand, then."
So the Tory party have got to desperately find some people
to stand, and if any of you are interested...
We saw Michael Gove. Why did Michael Gove say
he's not going to stand?Fancies a bit of the jungle, don't he, I
I think he's looked at the Conservatives' chances
and he's thought, "I fancy a bit of kangaroo cock, to be honest."
APPLAUSE
I think that's very unfair to him.
To the kangaroo!
It's not precisely how he put it in his resignation letter.
Is it not?
here is Sophy Ridge talking about Lee Anderson on Sky News.
Lee Anderson defects to Reform UK as one of the last pricks
in the so-called...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What was it meant to be?
Bricks, surprisingly.
Have you ever interviewed Jeremy Hunt, by any chance?
I think I basically got TV Tourette's because I did think
that was another one you might play tonight,
if I'm being completely honest! Oh, we will!
What was Rishi Sunak's big announcement this week.
National service.
Oh, yes, of course.
I mean, nobody really wants that, so I don't know how that's
going to be a sort of vote-catcher.
The less likely you are to do it, as in the older you are,
the more you love the policy, basically.
Yes. That's how it seems to go.
It's compulsory, but with no penalty if you don't do it.
Yeah. And nobody involved in making that happen wants it to happen.
Apart from that, it's going to be great.
They need some policies, they think, to appeal to old people.
Yes. The polls show that old people are joining Reform.
National service - in.
Pensions - rising forever.
So, Turkish barbers next. Turkish barbers next.
Next year it will be 1956!
The idea that they said at the beginning of the week,
we're very concerned about national security and what we're going to do
to protect ourselves against Russia and China is recruit some teenagers.
Who've all spent so much time on Call Of Duty that they think
if you die, you just reappear somewhere else.
It's weird that they're announcing any ideas at all.
They've been in power for 14 years. Yeah. My husband said,
"It's like someone asked Rishi Sunak, 'What would you do
"'if you were Prime Minister?'" Yeah.
Eagerly answering, forgetting that he actually is.
It's like he's been on some kind of online random policy generator
and just... He announced it so quickly that James Cleverly,
the Home Secretary, had to quickly clarify on Radio 4...
Cleverly actually said that volunteering will not be compulsory.
And then someone else said it will be compulsory,
but it will be volunteering.
I mean, it can't be all of those things. No.
Shall we hear from Rishi Sunak himself, addressing young people?
Is he coming on?
We've got some footage.Oh, footage.
Here he is announcing the policy.
Hi TikTok,
sorry to be breaking into your usual politics-free feed, but I'm making
a big announcement today, and I've been told that a lot
of you already have some views on it.
So, first thing,
no, I'm not sending everyone off to join the Army.
What I am doing is proposing a bold new model of national service
for 18-year-olds.
They'll be able to choose to spend 12 months in a full-time military
commission or one weekend per month volunteering in roles
within your local community - like delivering prescriptions
and food to elderly people, or in search and rescue.
What, for the people who couldn't get their prescription?
"Sorry, Mrs Watson,
"the morphine hasn't turned up this week. Don't know,
"I've been knocking on their door. They're just not answering."
They're doing search and rescue.
The teenagers that turn up one weekend will be charged with finding
the teenagers that got lost the previous one.
APPLAUSE
Home Secretary James Cleverly said
that the national service policy will help...
I think if anyone knows about bottles and spirits in
the pandemic, it's the Government, isn't it?
Steve Baker...
Yes!
Good to hear those words again.
Steve Baker. Minister of State at the Northern Ireland Office.Yeah.
He said the national service policy had been sprung on him.
What did he do? He went on holiday.
Yes. Saying...
Here he is telling Victoria Derbyshire his plans.
What do you want to do if you're not an MP?
Skydiving. Motorcycling. Fast catamaran sailing.
Now, obviously there is an election.
And so our coverage has to be impartial...Yeah. And balanced.
Balanced and impartial.Yeah.
Who wants to play a round of Conservative campaign cock-ups?
ALL CHEER
Fingers on buzzers, teams. Yes.
Here's your first one. What's the cock-up?
Got some time for some questions. Let's open it up.
Who's got some hands up? OK, let's start there and let's go there.
Brilliant.
Chris, it's a room where there are some people in high-vis jackets,
in a circle around the Prime Minister, pretending
that they're members of the public. Yeah.
And the cock-up was they were Tory councillors.
They were supposed to be workers at a biscuit factory in Derbyshire,
in their high-vis jackets, but in fact, two of them were Tory
councillors Ben Hall-Evans and Ross Hills.
Shall we hear their questions? Yes, let's hear their questions.
Here we go.
You've talked a lot about the economy, specific to everybody,
cost of living crisis, what's been done,
and what sets you apart for the future, to benefit that -
the pound in the pocket. Yep.
Great, great place to start.
All right.
You had a question? Yeah.
Prime Minister, thank you for coming to us this morning.
I imagine you're a pretty busy guy right now.
The biggest issue, I think, is going to be immigration
over this general election campaign.
You've obviously got your Rwanda plan, but is it going to see results
and stop the small boats coming?
Yeah, thank you. You're right, it is an important question.
They've got some Tory councillors disguised as workers in a biscuit
factory to sort of feign, "Oh, you're a very busy man,
"Prime Minister."Won't be so busy in six weeks' time, though,
will he?
He'll be working in the biscuit factory.
Why are they so bad at it?
I genuinely don't know.
You could have, for example, asked genuine workers in a biscuit factory
to ask questions and just got the questions in advance
so he could prepare something.
But they would sound like normal people.
"Prime Minister, when Liz Truss had to leave the position
"of Prime Minister, would you describe her as a Jammie Dodger?"
Fingers on buzzers, please.Yes.
Your final Conservative campaign cock-up.
TITANIC THEME TUNE
This is Rishi Sunak at the Titanic Museum.
Because he loves anything to do with stopping the boats? Yes.
APPLAUSE
I can only imagine this is going to inspire his next policy,
which is going to be strategically-placed icebergs
in the English Channel.
He went to the Titanic Quarter in Belfast.Yep.
Obviously opening the door for a reporter to ask him...
While David Casey on Twitter said...
APPLAUSE
People love the film. I mean, would we like to be reminded
of that scene where the doomed
central character is soaked through and desperately clinging
to a piece of wood?
Yes. Yes.
There we are.
APPLAUSE
I remember being on Downing Street for that moment
and it was apocalyptic, I have to say. Everyone,
we all had our umbrellas. So you had umbrellas?
Yeah, I know. I know. Someone was on Twitter,
they were like, "Why didn't you offer Rishi Sunak your umbrella?"
Can you imagine just kind of going up and holding it?
But it's like wildlife documentary makers.
They don't interfere with the nature that they're filming.
You couldn't go and give him an umbrella -
that would be disturbing the natural world as we see it.
You just have to let him die.
Yeah. I think so.
So that's all the cock-ups.
No, it's not really. One more cock-up.
Jeremy Hunt was accused of misleading voters by saying
taxes had fallen.
And I think Sophy Ridge is the person to turn
to on the matter of Jeremy Hunt.
Here you are discussing him on Sky News.
Two figures who are significant - Jeremy Cunt, because he's...
APPLAUSE
There's an MP called Barry Nother-Pucker.
Have you heard of him?
That must be deliberate.
I actually...I know this is quite hard to believe, but I didn't
actually even realise that I'd done it at the time.
That is difficult to believe. Yeah, I know.
Say it three times fast, now.
I'm absolutely not going to do that.
This is the first week of the Conservatives'
general election campaign.
Conservative Cabinet Minister Michael Gove has announced
he'll be stepping down at the election and is rumoured
to be...
Although the move has been strongly refuted by the show's professional
dancers, none of whom want to have to shag him.
Have they introduced a new category?
The one demographic in which the Conservatives hold a lead
over Labour is...
Presumably why Sunak's called a snap election -
can't risk a sudden frost in the autumn.
Ooh!
I bet that's policy, though.
Ian and Sophy, here's yours.
Keir Starmer reminding people his dad was a toolmaker.
He's got some tools there.
The Lib Dem battle bus driving into the public.
"Keir Starmer and Angela Rayner, don't jump, you're clear."
LAUGHTER
And there's Jeremy Corbyn's friend.
Do you want to start at the end? What's Diane Abbott doing?
Oh, it's a bit of a difficult one, this one, isn't it?
It's still a bit unclear.
It all kind of started, of course, with this Times story that said
that Diane Abbott had been blocked from standing
as an MP for the Labour Party.
I then got, I think, a message at about 7:30pm on Tuesday evening
from a Labour source
saying that she'd been given the whip back.
And then I woke up the next morning to a 6:30am message
from Diane Abbott... Ooh! ..saying, "Actually, the Times story is true.
"I have been blocked from standing as a Labour MP
"and no-one from the Labour Party has contacted me as of now,"
so I'm unclear...
So one of your sources was Diane Abbott? Yeah, yeah.
On the record, yeah. Did you trust her?
LAUGHTER
Is she going to be the MP for Hackney?
The fact that she has given a speech saying she will fight that seat
makes it much harder for the Labour Party now, right, doesn't it?
Once again, it's so incompetently done.Mm.
The Labour Party have got one go
at saying, "All right. Yes, she is. We want unity."
Or, "No, she isn't. We love Diane."
Instead, Keir Starmer's quote was...
So there is a decision, you haven't taken it.Yep.
Why are they so bad at this?
All I'm saying is,
one side is sending the guy to stand in the rain and at the Titanic.
The other side can't even decide who their MPs are,
and these are all people who think they can run the health service.
I mean, it's pitiful.Yep. Pitiful. APPLAUSE
I think the only conclusion to this is, "Vote Lib Dem."
LAUGHTER
Because they've got a guy who can go on a paddle board
in Lake Windermere... LAUGHTER
..and fall off into a whole load of shit.
LAUGHTER
Shall we have a look at Ed Davey paddle boarding in Lake Windermere?
Yes.
Enjoying this, honestly.
LAUGHTER
Yeah. I think that might be deliberate.
Yes. Yeah.
SOPHY:He admitted it was, didn't he? Did he?
Which is an interesting ploy.
You kind of probably should keep that to yourself, surely.
Yeah, well, he'll be regretting it
when his E coli results come through.
LAUGHTER
Let's go back to the Labour Party. Yes, let's. For balance.
Who else won't be standing...?
Who won't be standing for the Labour Party?
Jeremy Corbyn. Jeremy Corbyn. What will he be doing?
He's an independent. CHRIS:Mm-hm.
Standing as an independent.
Islington North, a seat he's held for over 40 years.
And what do the people in his constituency think of him?
They like him. They love him.
They feel very affectionate about him. One local told the Times...
LAUGHTER
One local Islington resident is Bobby Gillespie.
You'll be a fan of his, Ian.
Bobby, yes. Primal Scream.
Bobby Gillespie told The Observer he'd be voting for Jeremy Corbyn,
and he added...
LAUGHTER
I'm so sorry. But it is a more eloquent response
than a previous political appearance with Andrew Neil
and Michael Portillo on the BBC's This Week.
Shall we have a look at Bobby Gillespie on that show?Yeah.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Michael Portillo looks lovely there.
What other investigation has been closed this week?
Angela Rayner.
What's happened there?
She hadn't broken any law
and the police are no longer going to pursue it in any shape or form.
And HMRC said the same, so she's cleared.
Keir Starmer said she is...
He added...
LAUGHTER
Who wants a quick Keir quiz?
SILENCE
SOLITARY AUDIENCE MEMBER:Yes!
LAUGHTER
Why don't you meet that bloke later in the pub
and you can give it to him? LAUGHTER
I'm going to show you an item...
Yes. ..that relates to Keir Starmer...Yes.
..and his campaign, and you tell me how it relates.
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
Here's your first one.
GAME SHOW JINGLE PLAYS
It's a Ming vase.
BELL
This is Labour being so safe in their campaign,
and the reason that there's loads of "don't knows"
and "I don't know what Keir Starmer stands for"
is because it's like you're carrying a Ming vase across the floor,
which is the lead and the majority that he could have.
And if it smashes, then it's game over, and it all crumbles to dust.
So it's really important not to, halfway through,
go, "Diane, would you like to help me..."
LAUGHTER "..carry the vase?"
Is it a good policy, though?
I mean, the idea... Yes, exactly. Working.
I mean, they are... I think the latest Sky News YouGov poll
had them 27 points ahead, so...
Yeah, you can criticise all you like!
LAUGHTER
I think he should make more of his first name
sounding like the car
and he should market himself like that.
"With extreme performance and reliability
"combined with low running costs,
"experience a world of smart convenience
"with the new all-electric 'KIA' Starmer."
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Back to the randomiser. Fingers on buzzers, please.Yes.
GAME SHOW JINGLE PLAYS
BUZZER
OK, this is a number 11 England football shirt.
He's looking to put Geoff Hurst in as Chancellor of the Exchequer
at 11 Downing Street. LAUGHTER
What is it about an England football shirt and Keir Starmer?
Will he be wearing one?
Well, I don't know. He may not want to sort of, like,
annoy the Scots or the Welsh by doing that.
That's it. He's been told not to wear one during the Euros...
Yeah. ..for fear of upsetting Scottish voters...Exactly.
..whose team are also in the tournament.
So, what's he going to wear? A sort of German one, or...?
He's going to wait till after the group matches
and then he'll be fine.
AUDIENCE BRISTLES
Oh!
That's not my joke. I have no idea about football.
What are the Euros? I don't even know.
LAUGHTER
It's like the Eurovision Song Contest but with less music.
The Eurovision Song Contest was bleak this year.
Did you watch it?
It's not what I remember.
Everyone was in sort of black leather
and sort of crawling about doing sex things.
I didn't think it was nice.
LAUGHTER
Are you sure that was the Eurovision Song Contest?
LAUGHTER
I think you were watching Parliament Live.
This is Labour and the Lib Dems' first week of campaigning.
According to the Telegraph, Diane Abbott has had a career spanning...
Or as she would call it, "Eleventy-three years."
There's a feeling that Diane Abbott has been well and truly shafted
by the Labour leader,
something that hasn't happened since that lost weekend
in East Berlin with Jeremy Corbyn.
LAUGHTER, GROANS
I find that quite a sexy idea.
What? Yes. They went to East Berlin.
I bet they had a really angry, sexy time.
A minute ago you were moaning about the Eurovision Song Contest...
Yeah. LAUGHTER
..being too graphically sexy.
And now you've got Diane Abbott against the Berlin Wall.
"Checkpoint Charlie?"
"It will be by the time I'm finished."
The Eurovision Song Contest is a family affair.
A weekend in East Berlin with Jeremy Corbyn?
Hello!
You've revealed more than you intended there, didn't you?
Time for Round Two - the Song-o-meter of News.
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
What's this story?
# All by myself... #
BUZZER # Don't wanna be... #
Paul and Chris?
There's a plant, and it's the only one in existence... Oh!
..so it can't mate.
It's a male plant.
If only Victoria had taken it to East Berlin!
Yeah. They need someone to mate with it.
"Someone"?
They're using AI, Paul... Oh, are they?
..to send out a fleet of AI drones to find a mate for this plant.
Right. That's exactly right. Let's have a look at this.
Here's the tree.
It's the only example of the species...
And what will they do if they find a female?
They'll put them in a room together
and play some Barry White, and see what happens.
They'll pollinate her...Oh, dear.
..by imitating the beetles
that would do that naturally in the wild.
Oh, not the band.
SCOUSE ACCENT: "Come on, just stick it in her."
You just ruined Paul McCartney for me.
That was John Lennon! Oh, was it?
This is the news that scientists are trying to find a mate
for the world's loneliest tree.
Even at the age of 130,
the tree is still hoping to find a female partner.
In many ways, the botanical equivalent of Rupert Murdoch.
SMATTERING OF LAUGHTER
Oh, that's a brilliant joke.
Botanist Dr Laura Cinti stated,
"We have never found a female, but we are hopeful."
I hear that a lot on Only Connect.
I don't.
It's the motto of the Garrick Club.
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
What's this?
# Big wheel keep on turnin' Turnin'
# Proud Mary keep on burnin' Burnin'
# Rollin', rollin'
# Rollin' on the river. #
BUZZER
Well, it's Proud Mary, isn't it?
Very good, but it's the lyrics I'm interested in.
What's been rolling?
Oh, is it the cheese thing?
Yes!
The annual Gloucester cheese-rolling tournament.
Let's go over to Cooper's Hill now to relive that excitement.
Hi-vis jacket in the middle's looking good.
He slides on his knees.
Oh, there's someone going down the right.
All sorts of limbs, in no particular order.
It's the hi-vis, I think.
Straight through the middle.
Takes it. Rolls over the line.
Is he a Tory councillor?
What did the winner of the first men's downhill race,
Tom Kopke from Munich, say about his win?
FAUX ACCENT:"I have watched this for many years in my home
"and I come here because I love your English sense of humour
"and your cheese, and I am very pleased that I am being part
"of a satirical, topical show
"where my accent is stereotypical
"and I don't really talk like this."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
That's the best Liverpudlian accent...
..I've heard this evening.
Kopke told reporters...
Well, that sounds like concussion, doesn't it?
He hasn't been the same since
a weekend in Berlin with you, though, has he?
Time now for The Missing Words Round,
which this week features as its guest publication "Earthmovers".
They've got a great investigative team always there
with a big SCOOP.
I found it very BORING.
SMATTERING OF LAUGHTER
And we start with...
Studying history.
The age-old practice of aerating your soil
by using a manual tool is now a thing of the past,
as we have now mechanised everything.
I think that's basically correct.
Yeah, of course it is.
The exact wording is...
Luckily, I subscribe to that magazine every week.
Next...
..what?
I think I actually know this one. Pottery goat?
Correct!"Pottery goat"?!
Wow. Oh, how lovely.
Yes. What's the story?
Well, he's a very talented king, obviously.
He made a pottery goat and you can buy it.
And ten grand.
He made it when he was a student at Cambridge University.
It's going up for auction.
Shall we have a look at the goat?
Yeah. OK. That's all right.
The work is expected to spark an international bidding war.
According to The Mirror...
That'll save everyone bidding.
Next...
A talking horse.
David Attenborough. No.
Money. No.
Little ants in his back garden.
David Attenborough in his back garden.
A weekend in East Berlin.
LAUGHTER
Oh, you didn't give us long enough.
That would have inspired me to open a window.
I don't know if I'd become a wildlife presenter.
Finally...
Mrs Hatcher.
Is it "the earth moving"?
Yes. Very good.
I'm going to give it to you for that,
because it is from Earthmovers.
Wow. In his article in Earthmovers magazine,
Kenneth Hatcher adds...
It is QUITE a big secret.
So the final scores are...
Ian and Sophie have nine.
Paul and Chris have 11.
Very strong.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You did really well.
Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
OK, what we're looking at here is a man in a denim shirt
with his arms folded and there's loads of antelope heads and necks
and parts of body sticking through the wall.
Right.
LAUGHTER
"I'm looking for the room with the arses."
APPLAUSE
That's the best you're going to get from a blind man. Yeah.
On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
Ian Hislop and Sophy Ridge, Paul Merton and Chris McCausland.
And I leave you with news that on the campaign trail,
one member of the public is desperate not to be photographed
with the Labour leader.
Road safety campaigners in Rotherham
unveiled their latest initiative to combat tailgating.
And at the Chelsea Flower Show,
a gardener accidentally catches one of the guests with his dibber.
Goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE