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This programme contains
very strong language.

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Good evening and welcome to
Have I Got News For You.

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I'm Victoria Coren Mitchell.

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In the news this week...

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At Labour headquarters,

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as Keir Starmer has to cancel
his latest live election broadcast,

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CCTV from the basement reveals

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the cause of the mysterious
power cut.

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On a trip to a Bournemouth
allotment, fed-up

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aides decide not to tell
Lib Dem leader Ed Davey

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that he's just unearthed
a live World War II grenade.

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And in South West Norfolk, one
focus group provides less than

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reassuring feedback for a candidate
hoping for re-election.

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On Ian's team tonight
is a Sky News presenter

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and political correspondent.

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So, with the general election
campaign in full swing and political

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stories dominating the headlines,
she must be slightly worried

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that they've encouraged
her to be here.

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Please welcome Sophy Ridge.

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On Paul's team tonight is a comedian
who claims he got down to the last

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30 in the selection process
to become a spy for MI5.

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Not sure why he wasn't selected,
but telling everyone he'd got

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down to the last 30 may have had
something to do with it.

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Please welcome Chris McCausland.

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We begin with the bigger news
stories of the week, Paul and Chris.

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Here's yours.

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<font color="#00ff00">OK.</font>
<font color="#00ff00">We have a train. Rishi Sunak</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">stepping out of a train</font>
<font color="#00ff00">with a big smile on his face,</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">looking very happy.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">That's Michael Gove writing</font>
<font color="#00ff00">in his own resignation card.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">This is some soldiers</font>
<font color="#00ff00">from the 1950s. That must be</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">national conscription coming back,</font>
<font color="#00ff00">as a proposal by the Tories,</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">and Rishi Sunak sitting</font>
<font color="#00ff00">underneath an exit sign.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">So that's essentially the pictures</font>
<font color="#00ff00">they've shown us.</font> <font color="#ffff00">Yeah.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Rishi went on a train.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">He got off that train with a smile.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">Yes.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">And this is how disingenuous he is.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">He gets up and goes that the sleeper</font>
<font color="#ffff00">train was amazing.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">If he wanted us to think</font>
<font color="#ffff00">he was a normal person,</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">he should have got off and said,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">"That was the most uncomfortable</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">"I had to sleep on a bed that was</font>
<font color="#ffff00">18 inches wide, under sheets</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">"made by the same company that used</font>
<font color="#ffff00">to make the toilet paper</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">"for schools, and next to a sink</font>
<font color="#ffff00">that's had more people piss</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">in it than it's seen people</font>
<font color="#ffff00">brush their teeth."</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">"Vote Tory?"</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Reassuringly, though, he did</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">actually, I think,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">get a helicopter back,</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">a private helicopter back home</font>
<font color="#ffff00">after the train journey.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">Oh, phew!</font>
<font color="#00ffff">That's good optics, then, isn't it?</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">I didn't know they did</font>
<font color="#00ffff">that as a special return.</font>

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Who has not been on the
campaign trail?

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<font color="#00ff00">Clement Attlee?</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">Oh, Michael Gove.</font>
<font color="#00ff00">Michael Gove was there, wasn't he?</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">Because he's not going to stand</font>
<font color="#00ff00">in this next election.</font>

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A record number of MPs say
they won't be standing, including

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nearly 80 Conservatives.

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<font color="#00ffff">This is all the Tory MPs</font>
<font color="#00ffff">who - they were told there's a</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">general election and they're furious</font>
<font color="#00ffff">because they're obviously</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">going to lose their jobs.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">So a lot of them said, "Well,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">I won't stand, then."</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">So the Tory party have got</font>
<font color="#00ffff">to desperately find some people</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">to stand, and if any</font>
<font color="#00ffff">of you are interested...</font>

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We saw Michael Gove.
Why did Michael Gove say

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he's not going to stand?<font color="#ffff00">Fancies</font>
<font color="#ffff00">a bit of the jungle, don't he, I</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">I think he's looked</font>
<font color="#ffff00">at the Conservatives' chances</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">and he's thought, "I fancy a bit</font>
<font color="#ffff00">of kangaroo cock, to be honest."</font>

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APPLAUSE

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<font color="#00ffff">I think that's very unfair to him.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">To the kangaroo!</font>

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It's not precisely how he put
it in his resignation letter.

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<font color="#00ff00">Is it</font>
<font color="#00ff00">not?</font>

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here is Sophy Ridge talking
about Lee Anderson on Sky News.

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<font color="#ffff00">Lee Anderson defects to Reform UK</font>
<font color="#ffff00">as one of the last pricks</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">in the so-called...</font>

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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<font color="#00ffff">What was it meant to be?</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Bricks, surprisingly.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">Have you ever interviewed</font>
<font color="#00ff00">Jeremy Hunt, by any chance?</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">I think I basically got TV</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Tourette's because I did think</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">that was another one</font>
<font color="#ffff00">you might play tonight,</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">if I'm being completely honest!</font>
Oh, we will!

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What was Rishi Sunak's
big announcement this week.

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<font color="#00ffff">National service.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">Oh, yes, of course.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">I mean, nobody really wants that,</font>
<font color="#00ff00">so I don't know how that's</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">going to be a sort of vote-catcher.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">The less likely you are to do</font>
<font color="#ffff00">it, as in the older you are,</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">the more you love</font>
<font color="#ffff00">the policy, basically.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">Yes.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">That's how it seems to go.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">It's compulsory, but with no</font>
<font color="#00ffff">penalty if you don't do it.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">Yeah.</font> <font color="#00ffff">And nobody involved in making</font>
<font color="#00ffff">that happen wants it to happen.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">Apart from that, it's going</font>
<font color="#00ffff">to be great.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">They need some policies, they think,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">to appeal to old people.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">Yes.</font> <font color="#00ffff">The polls show that old people</font>
<font color="#00ffff">are joining Reform.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">National service - in.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">Pensions - rising forever.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">So, Turkish barbers next.</font>
<font color="#00ffff">Turkish barbers next.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">Next year it will be 1956!</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">The idea that they said</font>
<font color="#00ffff">at the beginning of the week,</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">we're very concerned about national</font>
<font color="#00ffff">security and what we're going to do</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">to protect ourselves against Russia</font>
<font color="#00ffff">and China is recruit some teenagers.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Who've all spent so much time</font>
<font color="#ffff00">on Call Of Duty that they think</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">if you die, you just reappear</font>
<font color="#ffff00">somewhere else.</font>

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It's weird that they're announcing
any ideas at all.

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They've been in power for 14 years.
<font color="#00ffff">Yeah.</font> My husband said,

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"It's like someone asked
Rishi Sunak, 'What would you do

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"'if you were Prime Minister?'"
<font color="#00ffff">Yeah.</font>

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Eagerly answering, forgetting
that he actually is.

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<font color="#ffff00">It's like he's been on some kind</font>
<font color="#ffff00">of online random policy generator</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">and just...</font> He announced it so
quickly that James Cleverly,

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the Home Secretary, had to quickly
clarify on Radio 4...

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<font color="#00ffff">Cleverly actually said that</font>
<font color="#00ffff">volunteering will not be compulsory.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">And then someone else said</font>
<font color="#00ffff">it will be compulsory,</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">but it will be volunteering.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">I mean, it can't be all</font>
<font color="#00ffff">of those things.</font> <font color="#00ff00">No.</font>

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Shall we hear from Rishi Sunak
himself, addressing young people?

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<font color="#00ff00">Is he coming on?</font>

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We've got some footage.<font color="#00ff00">Oh, footage.</font>

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Here he is announcing the policy.

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<font color="#ffff00">Hi TikTok,</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">sorry to be breaking into your usual</font>
<font color="#ffff00">politics-free feed, but I'm making</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">a big announcement today,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">and I've been told that a lot</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">of you already have some</font>
<font color="#ffff00">views on it.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">So, first thing,</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">no, I'm not sending everyone</font>
<font color="#ffff00">off to join the Army.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">What I am doing is proposing a bold</font>
<font color="#ffff00">new model of national service</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">for 18-year-olds.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">They'll be able to choose to spend</font>
<font color="#ffff00">12 months in a full-time military</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">commission or one weekend</font>
<font color="#ffff00">per month volunteering in roles</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">within your local community -</font>
<font color="#ffff00">like delivering prescriptions</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">and food to elderly people,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">or in search and rescue.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">What, for the people who couldn't</font>
<font color="#00ffff">get their prescription?</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">"Sorry, Mrs Watson,</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">"the morphine hasn't turned</font>
<font color="#00ff00">up this week. Don't know,</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">"I've been knocking on their door.</font>
<font color="#00ff00">They're just not answering."</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">They're doing search and rescue.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">The teenagers that turn up one</font>
<font color="#ffff00">weekend will be charged with finding</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">the teenagers that got</font>
<font color="#ffff00">lost the previous one.</font>

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APPLAUSE

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Home Secretary James Cleverly said

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that the national service
policy will help...

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I think if anyone knows
about bottles and spirits in

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the pandemic, it's
the Government, isn't it?

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Steve Baker...

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<font color="#00ff00">Yes!</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">Good to hear those words again.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">Steve Baker.</font> Minister of State at
the Northern Ireland Office.<font color="#00ff00">Yeah.</font>

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He said the national service policy
had been sprung on him.

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What did he do?
<font color="#00ffff">He went on holiday.</font>

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Yes. Saying...

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Here he is telling
Victoria Derbyshire his plans.

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<font color="#ffff00">What do you want to do</font>
<font color="#ffff00">if you're not an MP?</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">Skydiving. Motorcycling.</font>
<font color="#00ffff">Fast catamaran sailing.</font>

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Now, obviously there is an election.

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And so our coverage has to be
impartial...<font color="#00ff00">Yeah. And balanced.</font>

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Balanced and impartial.<font color="#00ff00">Yeah.</font>

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Who wants to play a round of
Conservative campaign cock-ups?

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ALL CHEER

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Fingers on buzzers, teams.
<font color="#00ff00">Yes.</font>

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Here's your first one.
What's the cock-up?

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<font color="#ffff00">Got some time for some questions.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Let's open it up.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Who's got some hands up? OK, let's</font>
<font color="#ffff00">start there and let's go there.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Brilliant.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">Chris, it's a room where there are</font>
<font color="#00ffff">some people in high-vis jackets,</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">in a circle around the Prime</font>
<font color="#00ffff">Minister, pretending</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">that they're members of the public.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Yeah.</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">And the cock-up was</font>
<font color="#00ffff">they were Tory councillors.</font>

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They were supposed to be workers
at a biscuit factory in Derbyshire,

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in their high-vis jackets,
but in fact, two of them were Tory

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councillors Ben Hall-Evans
and Ross Hills.

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Shall we hear their questions?
<font color="#00ff00">Yes, let's hear their questions.</font>

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Here we go.

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<font color="#00ffff">You've talked a lot about</font>
<font color="#00ffff">the economy, specific to everybody,</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">cost of living crisis,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">what's been done,</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">and what sets you apart</font>
<font color="#00ffff">for the future, to benefit that -</font>

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<font color="#00ffff">the pound in the pocket.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Yep.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">Great, great place to start.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">All right.</font>

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<font color="#ffff00">You had a question?</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Yeah.</font>

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<font color="#00ff00">Prime Minister, thank you for coming</font>
<font color="#00ff00">to us this morning.</font>

180
00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:43,040
<font color="#00ff00">I imagine you're a pretty</font>
<font color="#00ff00">busy guy right now.</font>

181
00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:45,440
<font color="#00ff00">The biggest issue, I think,</font>
<font color="#00ff00">is going to be immigration</font>

182
00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:47,280
<font color="#00ff00">over this general election campaign.</font>

183
00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:50,400
<font color="#00ff00">You've obviously got your Rwanda</font>
<font color="#00ff00">plan, but is it going to see results</font>

184
00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:51,840
<font color="#00ff00">and stop the small boats coming?</font>

185
00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:55,560
<font color="#ffff00">Yeah, thank you. You're right,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">it is an important question.</font>

186
00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:59,280
They've got some Tory councillors
disguised as workers in a biscuit

187
00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:02,680
factory to sort of feign, "Oh,
you're a very busy man,

188
00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:06,280
"Prime Minister."<font color="#00ff00">Won't be so busy</font>
<font color="#00ff00">in six weeks' time, though,</font>

189
00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:09,640
<font color="#00ff00">will he?</font>

190
00:11:09,680 --> 00:11:13,200
<font color="#00ff00">He'll be working</font>
<font color="#00ff00">in the biscuit factory.</font>

191
00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:15,360
Why are they so bad at it?

192
00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:18,040
<font color="#00ffff">I genuinely don't know.</font>

193
00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:20,960
You could have, for example, asked
genuine workers in a biscuit factory

194
00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:23,400
to ask questions and just got
the questions in advance

195
00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:24,520
so he could prepare something.

196
00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:27,240
But they would sound like
normal people.

197
00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:29,640
<font color="#00ff00">"Prime Minister, when Liz Truss</font>
<font color="#00ff00">had to leave the position</font>

198
00:11:29,680 --> 00:11:34,640
<font color="#00ff00">"of Prime Minister, would you</font>
<font color="#00ff00">describe her as a Jammie Dodger?"</font>

199
00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:38,960
Fingers on buzzers, please.<font color="#00ff00">Yes.</font>

200
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:41,960
Your final Conservative
campaign cock-up.

201
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:45,480
TITANIC THEME TUNE

202
00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:48,760
<font color="#ffff00">This is Rishi Sunak</font>
<font color="#ffff00">at the Titanic Museum.</font>

203
00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:51,960
<font color="#ffff00">Because he loves anything to do with</font>
<font color="#ffff00">stopping the boats?</font> <font color="#00ff00">Yes.</font>

204
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:56,760
APPLAUSE

205
00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:59,640
<font color="#ffff00">I can only imagine this</font>
<font color="#ffff00">is going to inspire his next policy,</font>

206
00:11:59,680 --> 00:12:01,320
<font color="#ffff00">which is going to be</font>
<font color="#ffff00">strategically-placed icebergs</font>

207
00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:05,720
<font color="#ffff00">in the English Channel.</font>

208
00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:08,240
He went to the Titanic Quarter
in Belfast.<font color="#00ffff">Yep.</font>

209
00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:10,800
Obviously opening the door
for a reporter to ask him...

210
00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:15,800
While David Casey on Twitter said...

211
00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:27,240
APPLAUSE

212
00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:32,200
People love the film.
I mean, would we like to be reminded

213
00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:33,760
of that scene where the doomed

214
00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:36,400
central character is soaked
through and desperately clinging

215
00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:37,720
to a piece of wood?

216
00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:39,240
<font color="#00ff00">Yes.</font> <font color="#00ffff">Yes.</font>

217
00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:42,160
<font color="#00ff00">There we are.</font>

218
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:47,160
APPLAUSE

219
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:50,320
<font color="#ffff00">I remember being on Downing Street</font>
<font color="#ffff00">for that moment</font>

220
00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:52,680
<font color="#ffff00">and it was apocalyptic,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">I have to say. Everyone,</font>

221
00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:55,080
<font color="#ffff00">we all had our umbrellas.</font>
<font color="#00ffff">So you had umbrellas?</font>

222
00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:57,600
<font color="#ffff00">Yeah, I know. I know.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Someone was on Twitter,</font>

223
00:12:57,640 --> 00:13:00,960
<font color="#ffff00">they were like, "Why didn't you</font>
<font color="#ffff00">offer Rishi Sunak your umbrella?"</font>

224
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:03,600
<font color="#ffff00">Can you imagine just kind</font>
<font color="#ffff00">of going up and holding it?</font>

225
00:13:03,640 --> 00:13:05,040
<font color="#00ff00">But it's like wildlife</font>
<font color="#00ff00">documentary makers.</font>

226
00:13:05,080 --> 00:13:08,400
<font color="#00ff00">They don't interfere with the nature</font>
<font color="#00ff00">that they're filming.</font>

227
00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:10,560
<font color="#00ff00">You couldn't go and</font>
<font color="#00ff00">give him an umbrella -</font>

228
00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:13,200
<font color="#00ff00">that would be disturbing</font>
<font color="#00ff00">the natural world as we see it.</font>

229
00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:14,880
<font color="#00ffff">You just have to let him die.</font>

230
00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:18,600
<font color="#00ff00">Yeah.</font>
<font color="#00ff00">I think so.</font>

231
00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:20,200
So that's all the cock-ups.

232
00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:22,000
No, it's not really.
One more cock-up.

233
00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:24,520
Jeremy Hunt was accused
of misleading voters by saying

234
00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:27,600
taxes had fallen.

235
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:30,000
And I think Sophy Ridge
is the person to turn

236
00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:31,680
to on the matter of Jeremy Hunt.

237
00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:35,480
<font color="#ffff00">Here you are discussing him</font>
<font color="#ffff00">on Sky News.</font>

238
00:13:35,520 --> 00:13:39,240
<font color="#ffff00">Two figures who are significant -</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Jeremy Cunt, because he's...</font>

239
00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:44,240
APPLAUSE

240
00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:46,600
<font color="#00ff00">There's an MP called</font>
<font color="#00ff00">Barry Nother-Pucker.</font>

241
00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:49,560
<font color="#00ff00">Have you heard of him?</font>

242
00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:51,240
That must be deliberate.

243
00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:54,120
<font color="#ffff00">I actually...I know this is quite</font>
<font color="#ffff00">hard to believe, but I didn't</font>

244
00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:56,520
<font color="#ffff00">actually even realise that I'd done</font>
<font color="#ffff00">it at the time.</font>

245
00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:59,840
That is difficult to believe.
<font color="#ffff00">Yeah, I know.</font>

246
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:01,800
<font color="#00ffff">Say it three times fast, now.</font>

247
00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:05,320
<font color="#ffff00">I'm absolutely not</font>
<font color="#ffff00">going to do that.</font>

248
00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:07,240
This is the first
week of the Conservatives'

249
00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:09,160
general election campaign.

250
00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:10,840
Conservative Cabinet Minister
Michael Gove has announced

251
00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:13,240
he'll be stepping down at
the election and is rumoured

252
00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:16,040
to be...

253
00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:19,120
Although the move has been strongly
refuted by the show's professional

254
00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:24,120
dancers, none of whom
want to have to shag him.

255
00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:30,000
<font color="#00ff00">Have they introduced a new category?</font>

256
00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:32,400
The one demographic in which
the Conservatives hold a lead

257
00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:34,760
over Labour is...

258
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:36,680
Presumably why Sunak's
called a snap election -

259
00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:39,960
can't risk a sudden frost
in the autumn.

260
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:43,560
<font color="#ffff00">Ooh!</font>

261
00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:46,920
<font color="#00ffff">I bet that's policy, though.</font>

262
00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:49,840
Ian and Sophy,
here's yours.

263
00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:52,960
<font color="#00ffff">Keir Starmer reminding people</font>
<font color="#00ffff">his dad was a toolmaker.</font>

264
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:54,920
<font color="#00ffff">He's got some tools there.</font>

265
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:59,120
<font color="#00ffff">The Lib Dem battle bus</font>
<font color="#00ffff">driving into the public.</font>

266
00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:03,560
<font color="#00ffff">"Keir Starmer and Angela Rayner,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">don't jump, you're clear."</font>

267
00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:04,880
LAUGHTER

268
00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:07,240
<font color="#00ffff">And there's Jeremy Corbyn's friend.</font>

269
00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:10,120
<font color="#00ffff">Do you want to start at the end?</font>
<font color="#00ffff">What's Diane Abbott doing?</font>

270
00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:13,000
<font color="#ffff00">Oh, it's a bit of a difficult one,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">this one, isn't it?</font>

271
00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:14,200
<font color="#ffff00">It's still a bit unclear.</font>

272
00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:17,320
<font color="#ffff00">It all kind of started, of course,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">with this Times story that said</font>

273
00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:19,400
<font color="#ffff00">that Diane Abbott had been</font>
<font color="#ffff00">blocked from standing</font>

274
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:21,880
<font color="#ffff00">as an MP for the Labour Party.</font>

275
00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:25,600
<font color="#ffff00">I then got, I think, a message</font>
<font color="#ffff00">at about 7:30pm on Tuesday evening</font>

276
00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:27,640
<font color="#ffff00">from a Labour source</font>

277
00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:29,720
<font color="#ffff00">saying that she'd been</font>
<font color="#ffff00">given the whip back.</font>

278
00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:32,600
<font color="#ffff00">And then I woke up the next</font>
<font color="#ffff00">morning to a 6:30am message</font>

279
00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:36,280
<font color="#ffff00">from Diane Abbott...</font> <font color="#00ffff">Ooh!</font> <font color="#ffff00">..saying,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">"Actually, the Times story is true.</font>

280
00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:39,280
<font color="#ffff00">"I have been blocked from</font>
<font color="#ffff00">standing as a Labour MP</font>

281
00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:42,360
<font color="#ffff00">"and no-one from the Labour Party</font>
<font color="#ffff00">has contacted me as of now,"</font>

282
00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:44,680
<font color="#ffff00">so I'm unclear...</font>

283
00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:47,520
<font color="#00ffff">So one of your sources was</font>
<font color="#00ffff">Diane Abbott?</font> <font color="#ffff00">Yeah, yeah.</font>

284
00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:50,120
<font color="#ffff00">On the record, yeah.</font>
<font color="#00ffff">Did you trust her?</font>

285
00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:52,640
LAUGHTER

286
00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:55,280
<font color="#00ffff">Is she going to be</font>
<font color="#00ffff">the MP for Hackney?</font>

287
00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:59,200
<font color="#ffff00">The fact that she has given a speech</font>
<font color="#ffff00">saying she will fight that seat</font>

288
00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:02,080
<font color="#ffff00">makes it much harder for the</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Labour Party now, right, doesn't it?</font>

289
00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:04,520
Once again, it's so
incompetently done.<font color="#ffff00">Mm.</font>

290
00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:07,040
The Labour Party have got one go

291
00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:09,480
at saying, "All right.
Yes, she is. We want unity."

292
00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:11,400
Or, "No, she isn't.
We love Diane."

293
00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:14,760
Instead, Keir Starmer's quote was...

294
00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:19,840
So there is a decision,
you haven't taken it.<font color="#00ffff">Yep.</font>

295
00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:21,960
Why are they so bad at this?

296
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:23,000
All I'm saying is,

297
00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:26,600
one side is sending the guy to stand
in the rain and at the Titanic.

298
00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:29,000
The other side can't even
decide who their MPs are,

299
00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:32,120
and these are all people who think
they can run the health service.

300
00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:35,760
I mean, it's pitiful.<font color="#00ffff">Yep.</font> Pitiful.
APPLAUSE

301
00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:38,720
<font color="#00ffff">I think the only conclusion</font>
<font color="#00ffff">to this is, "Vote Lib Dem."</font>

302
00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:40,280
LAUGHTER

303
00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:43,160
<font color="#00ffff">Because they've got a guy</font>
<font color="#00ffff">who can go on a paddle board</font>

304
00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:44,200
<font color="#00ffff">in Lake Windermere...</font>
LAUGHTER

305
00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:47,280
<font color="#00ffff">..and fall off into</font>
<font color="#00ffff">a whole load of shit.</font>

306
00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:48,320
LAUGHTER

307
00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:51,400
Shall we have a look at Ed Davey
paddle boarding in Lake Windermere?

308
00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:52,480
<font color="#00ff00">Yes.</font>

309
00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:54,080
<font color="#ffff00">Enjoying this, honestly.</font>

310
00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:56,560
LAUGHTER

311
00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:58,320
<font color="#00ffff">Yeah. I think that</font>
<font color="#00ffff">might be deliberate.</font>

312
00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:00,080
<font color="#00ff00">Yes.</font> Yeah.

313
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:02,200
SOPHY:<font color="#ffff00">He admitted it was,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">didn't he?</font> <font color="#00ffff">Did he?</font>

314
00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:03,440
<font color="#ffff00">Which is an interesting ploy.</font>

315
00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:05,800
<font color="#ffff00">You kind of probably should keep</font>
<font color="#ffff00">that to yourself, surely.</font>

316
00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:07,280
Yeah, well, he'll be regretting it

317
00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:08,960
when his E coli
results come through.

318
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:10,000
LAUGHTER

319
00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:12,640
Let's go back to the Labour Party.
<font color="#00ffff">Yes, let's. For balance.</font>

320
00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:13,800
Who else won't be standing...?

321
00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:15,760
Who won't be standing
for the Labour Party?

322
00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:17,880
<font color="#00ff00">Jeremy Corbyn.</font> Jeremy Corbyn.
What will he be doing?

323
00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:19,120
<font color="#00ff00">He's an independent.</font>
CHRIS:<font color="#ffff00">Mm-hm.</font>

324
00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:20,160
Standing as an independent.

325
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:22,520
Islington North, a seat he's
held for over 40 years.

326
00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:25,160
And what do the people in his
constituency think of him?

327
00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:26,640
<font color="#00ffff">They like him.</font> They love him.

328
00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:29,440
They feel very affectionate about
him. One local told the Times...

329
00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:33,560
LAUGHTER

330
00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:36,240
One local Islington
resident is Bobby Gillespie.

331
00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:37,920
You'll be a fan of his, Ian.

332
00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:39,280
<font color="#00ffff">Bobby, yes.</font>
<font color="#00ff00">Primal Scream.</font>

333
00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:41,880
Bobby Gillespie told The Observer
he'd be voting for Jeremy Corbyn,

334
00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:44,440
and he added...

335
00:17:45,840 --> 00:17:46,840
LAUGHTER

336
00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:49,240
I'm so sorry. But it is
a more eloquent response

337
00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:51,160
than a previous political
appearance with Andrew Neil

338
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:53,560
and Michael Portillo
on the BBC's This Week.

339
00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:58,560
Shall we have a look at Bobby
Gillespie on that show?<font color="#00ffff">Yeah.</font>

340
00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:03,560
LAUGHTER

341
00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:08,560
APPLAUSE

342
00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:11,800
Michael Portillo looks lovely there.

343
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:13,720
What other investigation
has been closed this week?

344
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:14,760
<font color="#00ff00">Angela Rayner.</font>

345
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:15,800
What's happened there?

346
00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:17,120
<font color="#00ff00">She hadn't broken any law</font>

347
00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:21,240
<font color="#00ff00">and the police are no longer going</font>
<font color="#00ff00">to pursue it in any shape or form.</font>

348
00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:23,840
<font color="#00ffff">And HMRC said the same,</font>
<font color="#00ffff">so she's cleared.</font>

349
00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:26,400
Keir Starmer said she is...

350
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:30,040
He added...

351
00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:34,840
LAUGHTER

352
00:18:36,120 --> 00:18:37,520
Who wants a quick Keir quiz?

353
00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:39,000
SILENCE

354
00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:41,640
SOLITARY AUDIENCE MEMBER:<font color="#00ffff">Yes!</font>

355
00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:42,680
LAUGHTER

356
00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:45,080
<font color="#00ff00">Why don't you meet that</font>
<font color="#00ff00">bloke later in the pub</font>

357
00:18:45,120 --> 00:18:47,000
<font color="#00ff00">and you can give it to him?</font>
LAUGHTER

358
00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:48,680
I'm going to show you an item...

359
00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:50,360
<font color="#00ff00">Yes.</font> ..that relates
to Keir Starmer...<font color="#00ff00">Yes.</font>

360
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:52,760
..and his campaign, and
you tell me how it relates.

361
00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:53,800
Fingers on buzzers, teams.

362
00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:54,840
Here's your first one.

363
00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:57,480
GAME SHOW JINGLE PLAYS

364
00:18:57,520 --> 00:18:58,520
It's a Ming vase.

365
00:18:58,560 --> 00:18:59,560
BELL

366
00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:02,640
<font color="#ffff00">This is Labour being</font>
<font color="#ffff00">so safe in their campaign,</font>

367
00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:04,800
<font color="#ffff00">and the reason that there's</font>
<font color="#ffff00">loads of "don't knows"</font>

368
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:07,000
<font color="#ffff00">and "I don't know what</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Keir Starmer stands for"</font>

369
00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:09,840
<font color="#ffff00">is because it's like you're carrying</font>
<font color="#ffff00">a Ming vase across the floor,</font>

370
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:12,480
<font color="#ffff00">which is the lead and the</font>
<font color="#ffff00">majority that he could have.</font>

371
00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:16,320
<font color="#ffff00">And if it smashes, then it's game</font>
<font color="#ffff00">over, and it all crumbles to dust.</font>

372
00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:18,640
<font color="#00ffff">So it's really important</font>
<font color="#00ffff">not to, halfway through,</font>

373
00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:21,560
<font color="#00ffff">go, "Diane, would you</font>
<font color="#00ffff">like to help me..."</font>

374
00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:25,040
LAUGHTER
<font color="#00ffff">"..carry the vase?"</font>

375
00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:26,480
Is it a good policy, though?

376
00:19:26,520 --> 00:19:28,480
I mean, the idea... Yes, exactly.
<font color="#00ffff">Working.</font>

377
00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:31,360
<font color="#ffff00">I mean, they are... I think the</font>
<font color="#ffff00">latest Sky News YouGov poll</font>

378
00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:33,280
<font color="#ffff00">had them 27 points ahead, so...</font>

379
00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:35,360
<font color="#00ffff">Yeah, you can</font>
<font color="#00ffff">criticise all you like!</font>

380
00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:36,720
LAUGHTER

381
00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:39,120
<font color="#ffff00">I think he should make</font>
<font color="#ffff00">more of his first name</font>

382
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:40,120
<font color="#ffff00">sounding like the car</font>

383
00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:41,840
<font color="#ffff00">and he should market</font>
<font color="#ffff00">himself like that.</font>

384
00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:43,240
<font color="#ffff00">"With extreme</font>
<font color="#ffff00">performance and reliability</font>

385
00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:44,760
<font color="#ffff00">"combined with low running costs,</font>

386
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:47,040
<font color="#ffff00">"experience a world</font>
<font color="#ffff00">of smart convenience</font>

387
00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:50,360
<font color="#ffff00">"with the new all-electric</font>
<font color="#ffff00">'KIA' Starmer."</font>

388
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:52,720
LAUGHTER

389
00:19:52,880 --> 00:19:54,960
APPLAUSE

390
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:57,120
Back to the randomiser.
Fingers on buzzers, please.<font color="#00ff00">Yes.</font>

391
00:19:57,160 --> 00:20:00,160
GAME SHOW JINGLE PLAYS

392
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:01,480
BUZZER

393
00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:04,320
<font color="#00ff00">OK, this is a number 11</font>
<font color="#00ff00">England football shirt.</font>

394
00:20:04,360 --> 00:20:07,200
<font color="#00ff00">He's looking to put Geoff Hurst</font>
<font color="#00ff00">in as Chancellor of the Exchequer</font>

395
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:09,120
<font color="#00ff00">at 11 Downing Street.</font>
LAUGHTER

396
00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:12,280
What is it about an England football
shirt and Keir Starmer?

397
00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:13,480
Will he be wearing one?

398
00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:16,360
<font color="#00ff00">Well, I don't know.</font>
<font color="#00ff00">He may not want to sort of, like,</font>

399
00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:18,520
<font color="#00ff00">annoy the Scots or</font>
<font color="#00ff00">the Welsh by doing that.</font>

400
00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:21,400
That's it. He's been told not
to wear one during the Euros...

401
00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:23,320
<font color="#00ff00">Yeah.</font> ..for fear of upsetting
Scottish voters...<font color="#00ff00">Exactly.</font>

402
00:20:23,360 --> 00:20:25,200
..whose team are also
in the tournament.

403
00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:29,400
<font color="#00ffff">So, what's he going to wear?</font>
<font color="#00ffff">A sort of German one, or...?</font>

404
00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:31,560
He's going to wait till
after the group matches

405
00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:32,760
and then he'll be fine.

406
00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:35,200
AUDIENCE BRISTLES

407
00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:36,240
Oh!

408
00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:38,640
That's not my joke.
I have no idea about football.

409
00:20:38,680 --> 00:20:40,560
What are the Euros?
I don't even know.

410
00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:41,600
LAUGHTER

411
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:44,000
<font color="#00ff00">It's like the Eurovision</font>
<font color="#00ff00">Song Contest but with less music.</font>

412
00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:45,920
The Eurovision Song Contest
was bleak this year.

413
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:46,960
Did you watch it?

414
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:48,160
It's not what I remember.

415
00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:49,880
Everyone was in
sort of black leather

416
00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:51,800
and sort of crawling
about doing sex things.

417
00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:53,240
I didn't think it was nice.

418
00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:54,280
LAUGHTER

419
00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:56,440
Are you sure that was
the Eurovision Song Contest?

420
00:20:56,480 --> 00:20:58,560
LAUGHTER

421
00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:03,560
<font color="#00ffff">I think you were watching</font>
<font color="#00ffff">Parliament Live.</font>

422
00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:06,400
This is Labour and the Lib Dems'
first week of campaigning.

423
00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:10,240
According to the Telegraph, Diane
Abbott has had a career spanning...

424
00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:14,960
Or as she would call it,
"Eleventy-three years."

425
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:17,840
There's a feeling that Diane Abbott
has been well and truly shafted

426
00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:18,880
by the Labour leader,

427
00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:20,800
something that hasn't
happened since that lost weekend

428
00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:23,640
in East Berlin with Jeremy Corbyn.

429
00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:25,840
LAUGHTER, GROANS

430
00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:27,520
I find that quite a sexy idea.

431
00:21:27,560 --> 00:21:29,800
<font color="#00ff00">What?</font> Yes. They went to East Berlin.

432
00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:33,840
I bet they had a
really angry, sexy time.

433
00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:36,480
<font color="#ffff00">A minute ago you were moaning</font>
<font color="#ffff00">about the Eurovision Song Contest...</font>

434
00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:38,160
<font color="#00ff00">Yeah.</font>
LAUGHTER

435
00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:40,000
<font color="#ffff00">..being too graphically sexy.</font>

436
00:21:40,040 --> 00:21:45,000
<font color="#00ff00">And now you've got Diane Abbott</font>
<font color="#00ff00">against the Berlin Wall.</font>

437
00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:47,360
<font color="#00ff00">"Checkpoint Charlie?"</font>

438
00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:50,440
<font color="#00ff00">"It will be by the</font>
<font color="#00ff00">time I'm finished."</font>

439
00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:52,720
The Eurovision Song Contest
is a family affair.

440
00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:54,640
A weekend in East Berlin
with Jeremy Corbyn?

441
00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:57,680
Hello!

442
00:21:57,720 --> 00:22:01,840
<font color="#00ff00">You've revealed more than you</font>
<font color="#00ff00">intended there, didn't you?</font>

443
00:22:01,880 --> 00:22:04,480
Time for Round Two -
the Song-o-meter of News.

444
00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:05,560
Fingers on buzzers, teams.

445
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:07,120
What's this story?

446
00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:12,120
# All by myself... #

447
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:14,960
BUZZER
# Don't wanna be... #

448
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:16,040
Paul and Chris?

449
00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:19,680
<font color="#ffff00">There's a plant, and it's</font>
<font color="#ffff00">the only one in existence...</font> <font color="#00ff00">Oh!</font>

450
00:22:19,720 --> 00:22:21,440
<font color="#ffff00">..so it can't mate.</font>

451
00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:22,560
<font color="#ffff00">It's a male plant.</font>

452
00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:27,440
<font color="#00ff00">If only Victoria had</font>
<font color="#00ff00">taken it to East Berlin!</font>

453
00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:29,360
<font color="#ffff00">Yeah. They need someone</font>
<font color="#ffff00">to mate with it.</font>

454
00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:32,000
<font color="#00ff00">"Someone"?</font>

455
00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:33,920
<font color="#ffff00">They're using AI, Paul...</font>
<font color="#00ff00">Oh, are they?</font>

456
00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:38,920
<font color="#ffff00">..to send out a fleet of AI drones</font>
<font color="#ffff00">to find a mate for this plant.</font>

457
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:39,040
<font color="#00ff00">Right.</font> That's exactly right.
Let's have a look at this.

458
00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:43,280
Here's the tree.

459
00:22:43,320 --> 00:22:48,280
It's the only example
of the species...

460
00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:51,560
And what will they do
if they find a female?

461
00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:53,240
<font color="#ffff00">They'll put them in a room together</font>

462
00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:55,400
<font color="#ffff00">and play some Barry White,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">and see what happens.</font>

463
00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:57,040
They'll pollinate her...<font color="#00ff00">Oh, dear.</font>

464
00:22:57,080 --> 00:22:58,760
..by imitating the beetles

465
00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:00,680
that would do that
naturally in the wild.

466
00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:04,000
<font color="#ffff00">Oh, not the band.</font>

467
00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:09,000
SCOUSE ACCENT: "Come on,
just stick it in her."

468
00:23:09,040 --> 00:23:11,120
You just ruined
Paul McCartney for me.

469
00:23:11,160 --> 00:23:15,480
<font color="#ffff00">That was John Lennon!</font> Oh, was it?

470
00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:18,360
This is the news that scientists
are trying to find a mate

471
00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:19,560
for the world's loneliest tree.

472
00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:21,000
Even at the age of 130,

473
00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:23,400
the tree is still hoping
to find a female partner.

474
00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:25,560
In many ways, the botanical
equivalent of Rupert Murdoch.

475
00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:28,760
SMATTERING OF LAUGHTER

476
00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:33,520
<font color="#00ffff">Oh, that's a brilliant joke.</font>

477
00:23:33,560 --> 00:23:34,720
Botanist Dr Laura Cinti stated,

478
00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:37,120
"We have never found a female,
but we are hopeful."

479
00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:40,320
I hear that a lot on Only Connect.

480
00:23:40,360 --> 00:23:41,600
I don't.

481
00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:44,520
<font color="#00ffff">It's the motto of the Garrick Club.</font>

482
00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:46,000
Fingers on buzzers, teams.

483
00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:47,040
What's this?

484
00:23:47,080 --> 00:23:48,720
# Big wheel keep on turnin'
<font color="#ffff00">Turnin'</font>

485
00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:51,360
# Proud Mary keep on burnin'
<font color="#ffff00">Burnin'</font>

486
00:23:51,400 --> 00:23:54,120
# Rollin', rollin'

487
00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:56,040
# Rollin' on the river. #

488
00:23:56,080 --> 00:23:57,320
BUZZER

489
00:23:57,360 --> 00:23:58,800
<font color="#00ff00">Well, it's Proud Mary, isn't it?</font>

490
00:23:58,840 --> 00:24:00,960
Very good, but it's the
lyrics I'm interested in.

491
00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:02,840
What's been rolling?

492
00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:04,280
<font color="#ffff00">Oh, is it the cheese thing?</font>

493
00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:05,320
Yes!

494
00:24:05,360 --> 00:24:06,560
The annual Gloucester
cheese-rolling tournament.

495
00:24:06,600 --> 00:24:09,200
Let's go over to Cooper's Hill now
to relive that excitement.

496
00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:10,880
<font color="#ffff00">Hi-vis jacket in the</font>
<font color="#ffff00">middle's looking good.</font>

497
00:24:10,920 --> 00:24:12,080
<font color="#ffff00">He slides on his knees.</font>

498
00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:13,760
<font color="#ffff00">Oh, there's someone</font>
<font color="#ffff00">going down the right.</font>

499
00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:15,680
<font color="#ffff00">All sorts of limbs,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">in no particular order.</font>

500
00:24:15,720 --> 00:24:16,880
<font color="#ffff00">It's the hi-vis, I think.</font>

501
00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:17,920
<font color="#ffff00">Straight through the middle.</font>

502
00:24:17,960 --> 00:24:21,520
<font color="#ffff00">Takes it. Rolls over the line.</font>

503
00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:24,200
<font color="#00ffff">Is he a Tory councillor?</font>

504
00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:26,840
What did the winner of the first
men's downhill race,

505
00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:29,960
Tom Kopke from Munich,
say about his win?

506
00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:32,840
FAUX ACCENT:<font color="#00ff00">"I have watched this</font>
<font color="#00ff00">for many years in my home</font>

507
00:24:32,880 --> 00:24:35,720
<font color="#00ff00">"and I come here because I love your</font>
<font color="#00ff00">English sense of humour</font>

508
00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:38,840
<font color="#00ff00">"and your cheese, and I am very</font>
<font color="#00ff00">pleased that I am being part</font>

509
00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:40,040
<font color="#00ff00">"of a satirical, topical show</font>

510
00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:41,240
<font color="#00ff00">"where my accent is stereotypical</font>

511
00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:43,200
<font color="#00ff00">"and I don't really talk like this."</font>

512
00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:46,440
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

513
00:24:46,480 --> 00:24:48,120
<font color="#00ffff">That's the best</font>
<font color="#00ffff">Liverpudlian accent...</font>

514
00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:51,320
<font color="#00ffff">..I've heard this evening.</font>

515
00:24:51,360 --> 00:24:54,200
Kopke told reporters...

516
00:24:57,360 --> 00:25:01,040
Well, that sounds like
concussion, doesn't it?

517
00:25:01,080 --> 00:25:02,480
<font color="#ffff00">He hasn't been the same since</font>

518
00:25:02,520 --> 00:25:06,880
<font color="#ffff00">a weekend in Berlin with you,</font>
<font color="#ffff00">though, has he?</font>

519
00:25:06,920 --> 00:25:08,560
Time now for The
Missing Words Round,

520
00:25:08,600 --> 00:25:11,160
which this week features as its
guest publication "Earthmovers".

521
00:25:11,200 --> 00:25:13,920
They've got a great investigative
team always there

522
00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:16,360
with a big SCOOP.

523
00:25:16,400 --> 00:25:18,800
<font color="#00ffff">I found it very BORING.</font>

524
00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:20,680
SMATTERING OF LAUGHTER

525
00:25:20,720 --> 00:25:23,480
And we start with...

526
00:25:24,320 --> 00:25:26,600
<font color="#00ff00">Studying history.</font>

527
00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:28,640
<font color="#00ff00">The age-old practice</font>
<font color="#00ff00">of aerating your soil</font>

528
00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:31,520
<font color="#00ff00">by using a manual tool is</font>
<font color="#00ff00">now a thing of the past,</font>

529
00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:34,480
<font color="#00ff00">as we have now</font>
<font color="#00ff00">mechanised everything.</font>

530
00:25:34,520 --> 00:25:36,800
I think that's basically correct.

531
00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:38,480
<font color="#00ff00">Yeah, of course it is.</font>

532
00:25:38,520 --> 00:25:41,280
The exact wording is...

533
00:25:46,280 --> 00:25:50,240
<font color="#00ff00">Luckily, I subscribe</font>
<font color="#00ff00">to that magazine every week.</font>

534
00:25:50,280 --> 00:25:52,360
Next...

535
00:25:53,200 --> 00:25:56,680
..what?

536
00:25:56,960 --> 00:26:00,040
<font color="#ffff00">I think I actually know this one.</font>
<font color="#ffff00">Pottery goat?</font>

537
00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:03,840
Correct!<font color="#00ffff">"Pottery goat"?!</font>

538
00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:06,160
<font color="#00ff00">Wow.</font> <font color="#00ffff">Oh, how lovely.</font>

539
00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:07,200
Yes. What's the story?

540
00:26:07,240 --> 00:26:09,000
<font color="#ffff00">Well, he's a very</font>
<font color="#ffff00">talented king, obviously.</font>

541
00:26:09,040 --> 00:26:12,240
<font color="#ffff00">He made a pottery goat</font>
<font color="#ffff00">and you can buy it.</font>

542
00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:13,760
<font color="#ffff00">And ten grand.</font>

543
00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:16,400
He made it when he was a
student at Cambridge University.

544
00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:17,600
It's going up for auction.

545
00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:19,520
Shall we have a look at the goat?

546
00:26:19,560 --> 00:26:21,080
<font color="#00ffff">Yeah.</font> <font color="#ffff00">OK.</font>
<font color="#00ff00">That's all right.</font>

547
00:26:21,120 --> 00:26:23,480
The work is expected to spark
an international bidding war.

548
00:26:23,520 --> 00:26:26,400
According to The Mirror...

549
00:26:27,960 --> 00:26:29,880
That'll save everyone bidding.

550
00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:33,600
Next...

551
00:26:33,920 --> 00:26:35,480
<font color="#00ff00">A talking horse.</font>

552
00:26:35,520 --> 00:26:36,520
<font color="#00ff00">David Attenborough.</font> No.

553
00:26:36,560 --> 00:26:40,080
<font color="#ffff00">Money.</font> No.

554
00:26:40,120 --> 00:26:42,240
<font color="#00ff00">Little ants in his back garden.</font>

555
00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:45,120
<font color="#00ff00">David Attenborough</font>
<font color="#00ff00">in his back garden.</font>

556
00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:49,160
<font color="#ffff00">A weekend in East Berlin.</font>

557
00:26:51,120 --> 00:26:53,000
LAUGHTER

558
00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:56,280
<font color="#ffff00">Oh, you didn't give us long enough.</font>

559
00:26:56,320 --> 00:26:58,440
<font color="#00ff00">That would have inspired me</font>
<font color="#00ff00">to open a window.</font>

560
00:26:58,480 --> 00:27:00,600
<font color="#00ff00">I don't know if I'd become</font>
<font color="#00ff00">a wildlife presenter.</font>

561
00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:03,480
Finally...

562
00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:06,960
<font color="#ffff00">Mrs Hatcher.</font>

563
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:08,880
<font color="#00ffff">Is it "the earth moving"?</font>

564
00:27:08,920 --> 00:27:11,040
<font color="#00ff00">Yes.</font> Very good.

565
00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:13,200
<font color="#00ff00">I'm going to give</font>
<font color="#00ff00">it to you for that,</font>

566
00:27:13,240 --> 00:27:15,320
<font color="#00ff00">because it is from Earthmovers.</font>

567
00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:23,560
<font color="#00ffff">Wow.</font> In his article
in Earthmovers magazine,

568
00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:26,800
Kenneth Hatcher adds...

569
00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:32,760
It is QUITE a big secret.

570
00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:33,960
So the final scores are...

571
00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:35,160
Ian and Sophie have nine.

572
00:27:35,200 --> 00:27:38,040
Paul and Chris have 11.

573
00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:39,360
<font color="#00ffff">Very strong.</font>

574
00:27:39,400 --> 00:27:41,120
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

575
00:27:41,160 --> 00:27:42,400
<font color="#00ffff">You did really well.</font>

576
00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:45,480
Before we go, there's just time
for the caption competition.

577
00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:48,560
<font color="#00ff00">OK, what we're looking</font>
<font color="#00ff00">at here is a man in a denim shirt</font>

578
00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:51,440
<font color="#00ff00">with his arms folded and there's</font>
<font color="#00ff00">loads of antelope heads and necks</font>

579
00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:53,360
<font color="#00ff00">and parts of body</font>
<font color="#00ff00">sticking through the wall.</font>

580
00:27:53,400 --> 00:27:55,200
<font color="#ffff00">Right.</font>

581
00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:56,240
LAUGHTER

582
00:27:56,280 --> 00:27:59,840
<font color="#ffff00">"I'm looking for the</font>
<font color="#ffff00">room with the arses."</font>

583
00:27:59,880 --> 00:28:02,760
APPLAUSE

584
00:28:02,800 --> 00:28:06,640
<font color="#ffff00">That's the best you're going to</font>
<font color="#ffff00">get from a blind man.</font> <font color="#00ff00">Yeah.</font>

585
00:28:06,680 --> 00:28:09,040
On which note, we say thank
you to our panellists,

586
00:28:09,080 --> 00:28:11,440
Ian Hislop and Sophy Ridge,
Paul Merton and Chris McCausland.

587
00:28:11,480 --> 00:28:14,080
And I leave you with news that
on the campaign trail,

588
00:28:14,120 --> 00:28:16,720
one member of the public is
desperate not to be photographed

589
00:28:16,760 --> 00:28:20,120
with the Labour leader.

590
00:28:21,640 --> 00:28:22,800
Road safety campaigners in Rotherham

591
00:28:22,840 --> 00:28:27,280
unveiled their latest
initiative to combat tailgating.

592
00:28:29,520 --> 00:28:30,920
And at the Chelsea Flower Show,

593
00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:35,120
a gardener accidentally catches
one of the guests with his dibber.

594
00:28:37,640 --> 00:28:38,680
Goodnight.

595
00:28:38,720 --> 00:28:43,120
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE