I always say at this point "I'm glad to be here,"
but this week, I really mean it!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
There was one high point when a policeman
investigating me said, "This may be a silly question,
but is there anyone who might have a grudge against you?"
I have an alibi.
This programme contains some strong language
and repetitive flashing images
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
Good evening.
Welcome to Have I Got News for You.
I'm Kevin Bridges.
In the news this week -
in London, three men about town meet up with
their blind dates for the evening.
At the Tory Party conference in Birmingham,
Rishi Sunak announces he is staying on as leader.
CROWD GROANS.
STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS.
And at the headquarters of SpaceX in California,
secret footage emerges of Elon Musk preparing for his latest launch.
On Ian's team tonight is a journalist and broadcaster
who is currently writing a book about the nature of genius.
No pressure, but it better not be shite.
Please welcome Helen Lewis.
APPLAUSE.
On Paul's team is a comedian who describes her school days
at an all girls school in Kent as "if Enid Blyton wrote Skins,"
so please welcome the star of Five Get Trapped In A K-Hole,
it's Chloe Petts.
APPLAUSE.
We begin with the big news stories of the week.
Ian and Helen, take a look at this.
Finally, a scandal-free government.
Oh, things can only get bitter.
Just a change.
Change of shirt, change of suit.
This is surely about the shortest honeymoon since
that one Britney Spears had.
Yes.
Immediately Keir Starmer gets in, and lots of people have said,
"You shouldn't take these freebies, you're going to get into trouble."
But, you know, he's a lawyer, he doesn't listen.
You can't really spend years attacking the Tories for sleaze,
and then the first thing that happens is one of your major donors
is giving you all this stuff for free, and it's just...
It's glasses.
And you think, "Don't walk straight into it."
He should have gone to Specsavers, is what you're saying.
I mean, just like the previous Labour Government, if you remember,
the Blair Government ran straight into Bernie Ecclestone, major donor,
giving them a load of money and changing policy.
And it's, at worst, disappointing.
And B, it's just...
It's the same again.
Well...
Big response from the audience.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
It's not popular, but it is what's happening.
Problems mounting up for Keir Starmer.
Would anybody like to play a game?
Yeah.
What's the game?
It's called Fears For Keir.
Well, now I've heard what it's called, I don't want to play it.
I'll see if I can sell you on the game.
Go on, then.
A randomiser is going to stop on a picture, and I want
you all to tell me who it is and why they are a fear for Keir.
OK, fine.
Here's your first one.
Can I just check the words that you're saying?
Fear For Keir.
Fear For Keir?
Fear For Keir.
HELEN:Ah.
CHLOE:Fear For Keir.
I thought it was Feels For Keir and we were all going to be
blindfolded and you were going to bring someone in and we
had to work out if...
LAUGHTER.
Somebody's threw me under the bus here with these pronunciations.
LAUGHTER.
OK, here's your first picture.
Well, that's Lord Alli, who's a major donor to the Labour Party.
He gave them £500,000, and he's doing it for nothing.
He doesn't want anything in...in return.
Well, he did get to have a pass, didn't he?
To Downing Street, during the transition period,
which they then took away from him,
which it was never really explained when he was there for.
Apart from sort of just sort of vibing, I imagine a bit like...
Like he's sort of Bez in the Happy Mondays and he's just
sort of there just to kind of keep the...
..keep the energy up.
Yeah.
That's how I...see him.
LAUGHTER.
It is Lord Asos, I mean Lord Alli,
who has paid for £32,000 worth of goodies,
including clothes and glasses for Starmer.
What do we think?
LAUGHTER.
That is...
..actually a Stone Island polo shirt.
That is how confident he is he's going to get Oasis tickets.
LAUGHTER.
Money well spent.
Well, he's given back the money for the Taylor Swift concert.
He's paid back £6,000 worth of tickets.
It's just odd that he didn't see that this was going to be a problem.
It makes you think maybe he's not very good at politics.
And the idea that you're saying,
"I'm going to give back the donations.
"Well, some of them.
"Well, a few of them.
"Well, OK, those ones."
Erm, it's not exactly saying,
"Yep, you're right. Let's be clean and transparent."
I personally have a theory on why he gave the Taylor Swift tickets
back, and it's because,
I'm not sure if you guys have noticed this, Taylor Swift
and Theresa May dance in exactly the same way.
Like haunted marionettes.
And I think he gave them back because he didn't want to get
trauma flashbacks if he went to the Swiftie concert.
He'd be handed a friendship bracelet that just said,
"Brexit means Brexit."
OK, what was Keir's excuse for accepting £20,000 worth
of free accommodation?
"It's really nice"?
He said it was for his son to take GCSEs.
That's correct.
He defended his family staying at Lord Alli's flat so that his son
could revise in peace for his GCSEs, adding...
It's a bit unfair on the retake market.
And if he screws up his exams, he could always learn a trade.
Something humble.
I don't know, a humble tool maker.
What about his defence for taking free football tickets?
This is the executive box, isn't it?
Because if he sits in the stands, it might be a security issue.
Yeah.
He said he can't take his security detail into the stands, so...
Don't go, then, ya dick.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER.
What historic event did Keir get a free ticket to?
Was it the Battle of Hastings?
The Euros.
Correct.
The Euro final.
Spain versus England.
A memorable evening for everybody in Glasgow.
LAUGHTER.
Here's Keir enjoying a chat during the game.
"You fucking want some?"
Time for another Fear For Keir.
There we go.
A pensioner giving him the wanker sign.
LAUGHTER.
You know what this is in relation to?
Yes?
This must be the Winter Fuel Payment being taken away
from richer pensioners.
I don't think anybody wants the Winter Fuel Payment to be cut,
mainly because it means your parents are going to have to come and stay.
Everybody is angry.
Check out this Daily Telegraph headline.
LAUGHTER.
That's like the sign of the apocalypse.
Was anybody able to articulate a defence of the policy?
Older pensioners.
You know, I won't be there for a very long time, but, erm...
..it might be thought that they don't really
need this, and perhaps they shouldn't have it.
I think that's the argument.
I don't buy it, obviously.
I claim every penny.
LAUGHTER.
Should we see a Labour delegate put it a bit more coherently?
Yeah. Yeah.
Are you worried about the optics of all the various donations,
given the fact that you're having to make that choice,
or the Chancellor says Labour's had to make that choice to take away
the winter fuel allowance from a lot of pensioners?
LAUGHTER.
I think...
Sorry, could you repeat the question?
LAUGHTER.
It was a really miserable conference for Labour...
LAUGHTER.
..but who tried to lighten the mood?
Absolutely no-one, as far as I can remember.
We had Rachel Reeves - having been doom and gloom all summer,
the Times revealed that she would...
Here she is trying to offer that positive vision.
There's a touch of Wallace And Gromit going on there, isn't there?
How did Keir himself accidentally lighten the mood?
Sausages instead of hostages.
Oh!
So good.
Yeah.
I did feel for him because he gave a very long speech, and I thought
no-one will remember anything about that apart from you said,
"We're going to bring the sausages home."
Yeah.
I think what happened there is sometimes when I come
on the television, my mates will be like,
"Can you get the word unicycle in?"
Which you've just done.
LAUGHTER.
James, you owe me a tenner, mate. Erm...
Unicycle. I'll have a tenner as well.
LAUGHTER.
I think what's happened here is his mate,
Labour peer Waheed Alli has gone, "If you say sausages
in your next speech, I'll give you 16 grand."
LAUGHTER.
And he knew that "hostages" was coming up,
and he saw an opportunity. That's what I think has happened.
Product placement, effectively.
Sounds plausible.
APPLAUSE.
Can I just say that the night Keir did that, I was doing
an event with John McCarthy, who actually had been
a hostage in Lebanon, and I thought, "Oh, no,
this is really bad taste.
I don't know what's going to happen."
John McCarthy stood up and said, "As a former sausage..."
LAUGHTER.
APPLAUSE.
Shall we have a look at the clip?
I call again for an immediate ceasefire in Gaza,
the return of the sausages...
..the hostages.
LAUGHTER.
It's so good!
Is this any connection
with Liz Truss opening up new pork markets?
That is a disgrace.
Yes.
It's contradictory policies, though,
because if the sausages get returned,
then we've got no fuel to sort of cook them on.
What are you writing down?
Are you going to do that joke again but better?
No, actually, it's nothing to do with you, I'm just writing a book.
LAUGHTER.
Final Fear For Keir. Let's take a look.
Who have we got left?
Angela Rayner.
Do we get points for this?
No, we don't.
How long have you been doing this show?
About 20 minutes.
Yeah.
It is Angela Rayner.
Considering they keep telling us there's no money,
Labour can't stop splashing the cash.
What has Angela Rayner spent £68,000 of taxpayer money on?
Ooh!
This is a private photographer.
A vanity photographer.
Have you seen what she's been photographed doing so far?
CHLOE:No.
So you'd think for 68 grand, you would get a photographer
who could remove his own fingers from the picture.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
Who will be happy about Angela Rayner's vanity photographer?
She will be, presumably?
Former Tory MP Jake Berry.
Here he is talking about Angela Rayner.
I actually think Angela Rayner is a very, very attractive woman,
and I used to have a picture of her pinned up.
She was...
I had a picture of her.
There was a book launch, and I pinched the poster on the way out.
Does your wife know this?
Yeah, my wife does, don't worry.
I pinched the poster on the way out, and I had it pinned up in my office.
This was when I was a Conservative MP.
SHOCKED LAUGHTER.
Sharing a split screen with Jeremy Kyle,
and you still come across as the creepiest bastard there.
But he's done quite well considering,
according to that caption, he was a former chair.
You know, to be fair...
This is the end of Keir Starmer's honeymoon period.
Just three months in,
a majority of voters already think Labour will lose the next election.
Put it this way - there are cruise ships in Belfast
that have got off to a better start.
Keir Starmer received tickets to a Taylor Swift concert.
How times have changed at Westminster.
In Boris' day,
a "Swiftie" was when you impregnate a member of staff...
..before your wife gets home.
So...
He did write a hysterical column in the Mail accusing
Keir Starmer of being sleazy.
Paul and Chloe, take a look at this.
Yeah.
Sorry. I looked the wrong way.
Paul... Paul and Chloe...
Yeah.
..take a look at this.
LAUGHTER.
Paul...
What, are you going to do something?
No, no, no.
Paul and Chloe...
Yeah.
We're still here.
..take a look at this.
No. Paul and Chloe...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
Has it been in the news this week?
I hope...
KEVIN LAUGHS.
Paul and Chloe, take a look at this.
I think that's Tom Tugendhat.
A clean start. Yes.
"Just empty your pockets, sir."
Erm...
Yeah, that's James Cleverly.
Kemi Badenoch looking for some mothers to take some money off.
Yeah.
And, er...
Oh.
AUDIENCE GROANS.
Just a normal way to hold your wife.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
So who are these people? Do you know?
Not a clue. No.
I'm not sure some of them know. No.
This is the Conservative Party conference in Birmingham,
the hottest ticket in town.
Take a look at this.
There is a brilliant buzz at this conference, isn't there?
It's fantastic.
Terrific energy.
Thousands of you here.
We've got members, councillors, MPs, businesses.
In fact, it's such a hot ticket, I'm surprised that Keir Starmer
hasn't asked somebody to buy him one.
CHEERING.
Rishi's joke there an absolute fucking belter.
But it's very peculiar.
I mean, the party that's just won with a thumping majority
is absolutely miserable,
and the ones that have been wiped out and have got no chance
for the next 50 decades are going, "This is great!"
I actually think the Tories do like being in opposition,
because it means they can attack the people they really hate,
which is each other.
They're certainly thrilled.
They thought they had a great conference, didn't they?
I've got a problem because, as a citizen of a democracy,
I want them to have a really good leader, right?
But as a journalist and someone who does comedy panel shows,
I want it to be Robert Jenrick.
LAUGHTER.
Which one was he?
He's the last one.
He was the last one?
One of his kids' middle name is Thatcher.
GROANING.
Really?
And he said, "I understand women because I've got
three daughters, a wife, and my two dogs are female."
Kemi Badenoch has made a pretty strong pitch at being
the biggest crackpot at the Tory leadership.
What does she think is excessive?
Maternity pay.
You're right.
The answer is statutory maternity pay.
Yeah.
Which is always a good idea, winding up pregnant women.
It's not good having a name that starts with the word
"bad," though, is it?
And ends with "Enoch."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
So if you pledge support to Kemi Badenoch,
you can join her WhatsApp group.
What sort of fun do they have on Kemi Badenoch's WhatsApp group?
Emojis? They're quite fun.
Yeah.
They actually write Kemi-inspired limericks.
No.
No, I'm against that.
Would you like to hear a sample?
Yes, please.
I think so. Yeah.
Then it just goes to shit.
I think it's a cry for help rather than a limerick.
We know Kemi's got the right stuff and won't fail
when the going gets tough.
You won't get any money if you're a new mummy so...
..so we say she's had enough.
APPLAUSE.
Thank you very much. Thank you.
We've got an alternative last line.
Go on, then.
So don't try and get up the duff.
CHLOE:Oh!
APPLAUSE.
Yes!
Yeah. There we are.
Robert Jenrick is probably the favourite.
Now, if your name was Robert Jenrick and you wanted to jazz it up a bit,
so it was a bit more cool...
Yeah.
..how would you go about that?
Bobby.
Bobby Jenrick.
And he's called himself Bobby J.
They've got hats.
GROANING.
"We want Bobby J."
Yeah.
We want Bobby J.
HELEN:It's an ill-advised reference to someone who got shot.
It is also an ill-advised reference because,
according to Urban Dictionary...
Yes, it's a reference to a blow job.
In certain communities, yes.
Chloe looks scandalised.
I enjoyed your genuine kind of...
SHE GASPS. Not Bobby J!
It's worth getting one, though, isn't it?
The cap, I mean, the cap.
You know...
Robert Jenrick owns an unusual item of personal grooming equipment.
Can you tell me what it is?
A nasal permer.
It is kind of related to hair.
Is it a comb?
You sound like you haven't come across one of those for some time.
You're right!
According to the Mirror...
What?!
Even more disturbingly, it's for his palms.
Another of the candidates is James Cleverly.
Every successful politician has a big vision and a slogan to match.
Obama's "Yes, we can".
Martin Luther King's "I have a dream".
Let's take a look at James Cleverly's.
Let's be more normal.
Liz Truss was at the Tory conference.
What did she have to say?
"I'll be back."
She said the Conservatives would have done better at
the last election if they hadn't kicked her out.
She said, "I wasn't wrong."
Yeah.
I mean, it's become a bit like sort of going to see the lunatics
in Bedlam, hasn't it?
"Oh, I wonder what Liz Truss will say.
Go on! Say something mad."
APPLAUSE.
This is the Tory leadership battle, down to the final four.
The Guardian presented this helpful guide
to the Conservative leadership candidates,
after which the passport photo booth blew itself up.
Kemi Badenoch told the Tory conference that...
So about the same proportion of Tory MPs and BBC newsreaders.
In Birmingham last week, Liz Truss declared...
..to which the barman replied "I know, love,
but I called last orders 20 minutes ago."
You want me to do that again cleaner?
CREW:Just carry on.
Just carry on.
All right, mate.
Pfft. Relax, mate.
OK.
And we forgot to do the round about the Middle East,
so that's coming up.
Not many series only have one episode, but...
..this might be the one.
And so to round two.
This is the Strengthometer Of News.
OK, fingers on buzzers, teams.
BANG.
There we go.
This is the cruise ship,
which I believe now has eventually left Belfast.
It's been there for about three or four months,
and finally, it's set sail and they're just heading
across the Atlantic now, where there's been reports
of icebergs, but they're not worried about that.
It finally left Belfast on Monday.
We can see how far it got.
Yeah.
It got about as far as Bangor, and not even the one in Wales.
It got as far as the local Bangor, and then it turned back,
giving the explanation...
Where is it going now?
Caribbean next up, isn't it?
Closer to home.
Caribbean?
Sorry.
Isn't it going somewhere in Scotland?
Yes, it is.
I was quite flattered it was going to take in Scotland.
It's going there...
The cruise is meant to be a three-and-a-half-year
round-the-world trip.
Why might one cruiser be seeking a refund?
He liked it in port and he's angry they've started moving?
One woman paid £75,000 for a permanent cabin,
and she was kicked off for...
Oh!
She did it in limerick form as well.
She did it...
She did it in a private WhatsApp.
So there's also a grass on board,
which is the last thing you want to be in Belfast.
How have the passengers spent their days stuck in Belfast?
Having a good time.
Generally, they always seemed to be very upbeat,
the people I saw being interviewed on the news.
One couple had this to say.
How did yous manage to stay happy throughout all this happening?
Oh, how can you not in Belfast?
We've had so much fun.
We drank.
LAUGHTER.
That is actually the captain and the first mate.
OK, fingers on buzzers, teams.
Yeah.
What an unusual thing to do with your mouth.
I think this was the debate, which got a lot of coverage
at the time, particularly Donald Trump's assertion that
people in a place called Springfield were eating pets,
eating cats and dogs.
Yep, here we go.
They're eating the dogs, the people that came in.
They're eating the cats.
They're eating...
They're eating the pets of the people that live there.
Perhaps he's seen somebody eating a hostage dog.
APPLAUSE.
Kamala Harris has been trying to present herself
as a sort of Republican lite.
How has she been doing that?
"I own a gun," she says.
Boasting.
Boasting to Oprah Winfrey.
What has been Donald Trump's latest attempt to grab headlines?
There are a lot of quite good sort of dance remixes
of him because he said, "They're eating the dogs,
they're eating the cats, they're eating the pets
of the people that live here."
Which actually is a much better poem than the Kemi WhatsApp group.
They could really learn a little something from that,
frankly.
This particular question is in relation to Donald Trump
launching a new brand of luxury watches...
Oh, yes. Yes.
..which cost up to $100,000.
They tell you the time that he should be doing.
Yeah.
APPLAUSE.
Here's the advert.
This isn't just any watch.
It's one of the best watches made with almost 200g of gold
and more than 100 real diamonds.
That's a lot of diamonds.
I love gold, I love diamonds.
"Watch is for illustrative purposes only.
It is not an exact representation of the final product."
It says in tiny writing at the bottom.
Do you want the name of the company that makes the watches?
Fly-By-Night Fake Watches Dot Com.
They're called...
Why has a statue of Donald Trump caused upset in Las Vegas?
Is the statue in the form of a one-armed bandit?
So you pull his arm...
..then a golden sho...
No, I'm not going there.
Have you got a picture of it?
Do you want to see the picture?
Yeah, go on.
So it's offended...
ALL GROAN.
Here it is from a different angle there.
Look, there's a little...
..hostage there.
APPLAUSE.
What is the title of the artwork?
Does anybody want to have a guess at that?
Is it Naked Greed?
Ooh, that's good.
I like that.
The Little Prick?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
Yes, the 43-foot, £6,000 nude structure is called...
Well, time now for the Missing Words Round, which this week features
as its guest publication The Searcher,
the magazine for metal detector enthusiasts.
Search as long as you like -
you won't find anything that anyone gives a shit about.
I would dispute your fact
that no-one's ever found anything interesting.
Mm.
I was in a field. Mm...
Did someone find you? Yeah.
No, and I went with a metal detector and I found
an Anglo-Saxon silver coin.
Ah.
King Edgar.
About 590.
That's not what it's worth.
We start with...
Fake conkers.
CHLOE:Oven usage?
Cold conkers.
Very close.
The answer is...
Frozen conkers!
This is Conkerthon in Hertfordshire,
where one angry competitor said that using frozen conkers was...
There we go.
Thanks to Labour scrapping the fuel allowance, there's going to be
a lot of pensioners with frozen conkers this winter.
Next...
Evensong.
If you miss experiencing life because you're glued to
the internet, there's now a website that lets you relive it.
The answer is if you miss...
This is an article for computer buffs nostalgic for the days
of performing tasks such as...
I'm not sure I know how to do that, but more importantly,
neither did Huw Edwards.
Finally...
A metal detector!
Ian Hislop.
Yes.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
We've got a picture of Ian here.
CHEERING.
You look as if you're building a joint with that guy, Ian.
So the final scores are Ian and Helen have 3 points,
and Paul and Chloe have 7.
Well done, Paul and Chloe.
Well done. Well done.
You were brilliant. I want a recount.
On which note, we say thank you to our panellists
Ian Hislop and Helen Lewis, Paul Merton and Chloe Petts,
and I leave you with the news that at the new Ryman
megastore in London, after setting his heart
on the giant hole punch, one customer wonders
whether he could claim it back as office supplies.
At a retirement home in Fife,
one lucky nana celebrates having won this week's bingo jackpot.
And in London, a new artwork is unveiled at the headquarters
of the National Institute of Proctologists.
Goodnight.
APPLAUSE.