1 00:00:02,930 --> 00:00:05,530 I always say at this point "I'm glad to be here," 2 00:00:05,570 --> 00:00:07,210 but this week, I really mean it! 3 00:00:07,250 --> 00:00:12,210 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE. 4 00:00:13,290 --> 00:00:15,570 There was one high point when a policeman 5 00:00:15,610 --> 00:00:17,730 investigating me said, "This may be a silly question, 6 00:00:17,770 --> 00:00:20,330 but is there anyone who might have a grudge against you?" 7 00:00:20,370 --> 00:00:25,330 I have an alibi. 8 00:00:27,970 --> 00:00:32,930 This programme contains some strong language 9 00:00:38,410 --> 00:00:43,370 and repetitive flashing images 10 00:00:51,410 --> 00:00:56,370 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. 11 00:01:00,930 --> 00:01:02,490 Good evening. 12 00:01:02,530 --> 00:01:04,410 Welcome to Have I Got News for You. 13 00:01:04,450 --> 00:01:05,450 I'm Kevin Bridges. 14 00:01:05,490 --> 00:01:07,730 In the news this week - 15 00:01:07,770 --> 00:01:09,890 in London, three men about town meet up with 16 00:01:09,930 --> 00:01:14,890 their blind dates for the evening. 17 00:01:21,410 --> 00:01:23,530 At the Tory Party conference in Birmingham, 18 00:01:23,570 --> 00:01:25,970 Rishi Sunak announces he is staying on as leader. 19 00:01:26,010 --> 00:01:27,970 CROWD GROANS. 20 00:01:28,010 --> 00:01:30,690 STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS. 21 00:01:30,730 --> 00:01:32,610 And at the headquarters of SpaceX in California, 22 00:01:32,650 --> 00:01:37,610 secret footage emerges of Elon Musk preparing for his latest launch. 23 00:01:51,170 --> 00:01:53,250 On Ian's team tonight is a journalist and broadcaster 24 00:01:53,290 --> 00:01:55,890 who is currently writing a book about the nature of genius. 25 00:01:55,930 --> 00:01:57,810 No pressure, but it better not be shite. 26 00:01:57,850 --> 00:01:58,850 Please welcome Helen Lewis. 27 00:01:58,890 --> 00:02:03,850 APPLAUSE. 28 00:02:07,250 --> 00:02:09,850 On Paul's team is a comedian who describes her school days 29 00:02:09,890 --> 00:02:12,970 at an all girls school in Kent as "if Enid Blyton wrote Skins," 30 00:02:13,010 --> 00:02:15,810 so please welcome the star of Five Get Trapped In A K-Hole, 31 00:02:15,850 --> 00:02:18,770 it's Chloe Petts. 32 00:02:18,810 --> 00:02:23,770 APPLAUSE. 33 00:02:23,930 --> 00:02:26,290 We begin with the big news stories of the week. 34 00:02:26,330 --> 00:02:28,170 Ian and Helen, take a look at this. 35 00:02:28,210 --> 00:02:31,130 Finally, a scandal-free government. 36 00:02:31,170 --> 00:02:34,410 Oh, things can only get bitter. 37 00:02:34,450 --> 00:02:35,450 Just a change. 38 00:02:35,490 --> 00:02:37,490 Change of shirt, change of suit. 39 00:02:37,530 --> 00:02:40,250 This is surely about the shortest honeymoon since 40 00:02:40,290 --> 00:02:43,410 that one Britney Spears had. 41 00:02:43,450 --> 00:02:44,450 Yes. 42 00:02:44,490 --> 00:02:47,090 Immediately Keir Starmer gets in, and lots of people have said, 43 00:02:47,130 --> 00:02:49,730 "You shouldn't take these freebies, you're going to get into trouble." 44 00:02:49,770 --> 00:02:51,890 But, you know, he's a lawyer, he doesn't listen. 45 00:02:51,930 --> 00:02:55,450 You can't really spend years attacking the Tories for sleaze, 46 00:02:55,490 --> 00:02:58,530 and then the first thing that happens is one of your major donors 47 00:02:58,570 --> 00:03:01,170 is giving you all this stuff for free, and it's just... 48 00:03:01,210 --> 00:03:03,450 It's glasses. 49 00:03:03,490 --> 00:03:06,410 And you think, "Don't walk straight into it." 50 00:03:06,450 --> 00:03:09,650 He should have gone to Specsavers, is what you're saying. 51 00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:12,290 I mean, just like the previous Labour Government, if you remember, 52 00:03:12,330 --> 00:03:14,690 the Blair Government ran straight into Bernie Ecclestone, major donor, 53 00:03:14,730 --> 00:03:16,850 giving them a load of money and changing policy. 54 00:03:16,890 --> 00:03:18,050 And it's, at worst, disappointing. 55 00:03:18,090 --> 00:03:19,170 And B, it's just... 56 00:03:19,210 --> 00:03:22,730 It's the same again. 57 00:03:22,770 --> 00:03:23,890 Well... 58 00:03:23,930 --> 00:03:25,090 Big response from the audience. 59 00:03:25,130 --> 00:03:27,090 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE. 60 00:03:27,130 --> 00:03:32,090 It's not popular, but it is what's happening. 61 00:03:33,690 --> 00:03:35,090 Problems mounting up for Keir Starmer. 62 00:03:35,130 --> 00:03:36,770 Would anybody like to play a game? 63 00:03:36,810 --> 00:03:37,810 Yeah. 64 00:03:37,850 --> 00:03:38,850 What's the game? 65 00:03:38,890 --> 00:03:40,050 It's called Fears For Keir. 66 00:03:40,090 --> 00:03:43,170 Well, now I've heard what it's called, I don't want to play it. 67 00:03:43,210 --> 00:03:45,570 I'll see if I can sell you on the game. 68 00:03:45,610 --> 00:03:46,610 Go on, then. 69 00:03:46,650 --> 00:03:49,490 A randomiser is going to stop on a picture, and I want 70 00:03:49,530 --> 00:03:53,330 you all to tell me who it is and why they are a fear for Keir. 71 00:03:53,370 --> 00:03:54,370 OK, fine. 72 00:03:54,410 --> 00:03:55,410 Here's your first one. 73 00:03:55,450 --> 00:03:57,570 Can I just check the words that you're saying? 74 00:03:57,610 --> 00:03:58,610 Fear For Keir. 75 00:03:58,650 --> 00:03:59,650 Fear For Keir? 76 00:03:59,690 --> 00:04:00,690 Fear For Keir. 77 00:04:00,730 --> 00:04:01,730 HELEN:Ah. 78 00:04:01,770 --> 00:04:02,770 CHLOE:Fear For Keir. 79 00:04:02,810 --> 00:04:06,130 I thought it was Feels For Keir and we were all going to be 80 00:04:06,170 --> 00:04:08,770 blindfolded and you were going to bring someone in and we 81 00:04:08,810 --> 00:04:09,970 had to work out if... 82 00:04:10,010 --> 00:04:11,010 LAUGHTER. 83 00:04:11,050 --> 00:04:13,410 Somebody's threw me under the bus here with these pronunciations. 84 00:04:13,450 --> 00:04:14,450 LAUGHTER. 85 00:04:14,490 --> 00:04:15,650 OK, here's your first picture. 86 00:04:15,690 --> 00:04:20,650 Well, that's Lord Alli, who's a major donor to the Labour Party. 87 00:04:23,290 --> 00:04:25,650 He gave them £500,000, and he's doing it for nothing. 88 00:04:25,690 --> 00:04:27,090 He doesn't want anything in...in return. 89 00:04:27,130 --> 00:04:29,490 Well, he did get to have a pass, didn't he? 90 00:04:29,530 --> 00:04:31,170 To Downing Street, during the transition period, 91 00:04:31,210 --> 00:04:32,850 which they then took away from him, 92 00:04:32,890 --> 00:04:35,490 which it was never really explained when he was there for. 93 00:04:35,530 --> 00:04:38,610 Apart from sort of just sort of vibing, I imagine a bit like... 94 00:04:38,650 --> 00:04:41,490 Like he's sort of Bez in the Happy Mondays and he's just 95 00:04:41,530 --> 00:04:43,650 sort of there just to kind of keep the... 96 00:04:43,690 --> 00:04:44,690 ..keep the energy up. 97 00:04:44,730 --> 00:04:45,730 Yeah. 98 00:04:45,770 --> 00:04:46,770 That's how I...see him. 99 00:04:46,810 --> 00:04:49,730 LAUGHTER. 100 00:04:49,770 --> 00:04:51,650 It is Lord Asos, I mean Lord Alli, 101 00:04:51,690 --> 00:04:53,530 who has paid for £32,000 worth of goodies, 102 00:04:53,570 --> 00:04:54,970 including clothes and glasses for Starmer. 103 00:04:55,010 --> 00:04:56,010 What do we think? 104 00:04:56,050 --> 00:04:57,050 LAUGHTER. 105 00:04:57,090 --> 00:04:58,090 That is... 106 00:04:58,130 --> 00:04:59,570 ..actually a Stone Island polo shirt. 107 00:04:59,610 --> 00:05:02,410 That is how confident he is he's going to get Oasis tickets. 108 00:05:02,450 --> 00:05:03,450 LAUGHTER. 109 00:05:03,490 --> 00:05:04,530 Money well spent. 110 00:05:04,570 --> 00:05:07,170 Well, he's given back the money for the Taylor Swift concert. 111 00:05:07,210 --> 00:05:11,210 He's paid back £6,000 worth of tickets. 112 00:05:11,250 --> 00:05:14,850 It's just odd that he didn't see that this was going to be a problem. 113 00:05:14,890 --> 00:05:19,690 It makes you think maybe he's not very good at politics. 114 00:05:19,730 --> 00:05:21,130 And the idea that you're saying, 115 00:05:21,170 --> 00:05:22,810 "I'm going to give back the donations. 116 00:05:22,850 --> 00:05:23,850 "Well, some of them. 117 00:05:23,890 --> 00:05:25,050 "Well, a few of them. 118 00:05:25,090 --> 00:05:27,410 "Well, OK, those ones." 119 00:05:27,450 --> 00:05:28,610 Erm, it's not exactly saying, 120 00:05:28,650 --> 00:05:33,610 "Yep, you're right. Let's be clean and transparent." 121 00:05:36,490 --> 00:05:39,530 I personally have a theory on why he gave the Taylor Swift tickets 122 00:05:39,570 --> 00:05:40,570 back, and it's because, 123 00:05:40,610 --> 00:05:43,210 I'm not sure if you guys have noticed this, Taylor Swift 124 00:05:43,250 --> 00:05:45,370 and Theresa May dance in exactly the same way. 125 00:05:45,410 --> 00:05:46,410 Like haunted marionettes. 126 00:05:46,450 --> 00:05:49,530 And I think he gave them back because he didn't want to get 127 00:05:49,570 --> 00:05:51,690 trauma flashbacks if he went to the Swiftie concert. 128 00:05:51,730 --> 00:05:53,850 He'd be handed a friendship bracelet that just said, 129 00:05:53,890 --> 00:05:56,010 "Brexit means Brexit." 130 00:05:56,050 --> 00:05:58,250 OK, what was Keir's excuse for accepting £20,000 worth 131 00:05:58,290 --> 00:06:00,490 of free accommodation? 132 00:06:00,530 --> 00:06:03,410 "It's really nice"? 133 00:06:03,450 --> 00:06:05,770 He said it was for his son to take GCSEs. 134 00:06:05,810 --> 00:06:06,970 That's correct. 135 00:06:07,010 --> 00:06:10,090 He defended his family staying at Lord Alli's flat so that his son 136 00:06:10,130 --> 00:06:13,850 could revise in peace for his GCSEs, adding... 137 00:06:18,130 --> 00:06:21,970 It's a bit unfair on the retake market. 138 00:06:22,010 --> 00:06:25,090 And if he screws up his exams, he could always learn a trade. 139 00:06:25,130 --> 00:06:26,130 Something humble. 140 00:06:26,170 --> 00:06:29,850 I don't know, a humble tool maker. 141 00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:33,130 What about his defence for taking free football tickets? 142 00:06:33,170 --> 00:06:34,810 This is the executive box, isn't it? 143 00:06:34,850 --> 00:06:37,930 Because if he sits in the stands, it might be a security issue. 144 00:06:37,970 --> 00:06:38,970 Yeah. 145 00:06:39,010 --> 00:06:41,730 He said he can't take his security detail into the stands, so... 146 00:06:45,650 --> 00:06:47,970 Don't go, then, ya dick. 147 00:06:48,010 --> 00:06:49,010 Yeah. 148 00:06:49,050 --> 00:06:50,530 LAUGHTER. 149 00:06:50,570 --> 00:06:52,930 What historic event did Keir get a free ticket to? 150 00:06:52,970 --> 00:06:54,570 Was it the Battle of Hastings? 151 00:06:54,610 --> 00:06:56,090 The Euros. 152 00:06:56,130 --> 00:06:57,130 Correct. 153 00:06:57,170 --> 00:06:58,170 The Euro final. 154 00:06:58,210 --> 00:06:59,210 Spain versus England. 155 00:06:59,250 --> 00:07:01,650 A memorable evening for everybody in Glasgow. 156 00:07:01,690 --> 00:07:04,210 LAUGHTER. 157 00:07:04,250 --> 00:07:09,210 Here's Keir enjoying a chat during the game. 158 00:07:11,210 --> 00:07:15,530 "You fucking want some?" 159 00:07:15,570 --> 00:07:18,290 Time for another Fear For Keir. 160 00:07:18,330 --> 00:07:21,690 There we go. 161 00:07:21,730 --> 00:07:24,290 A pensioner giving him the wanker sign. 162 00:07:24,330 --> 00:07:26,650 LAUGHTER. 163 00:07:26,690 --> 00:07:28,530 You know what this is in relation to? 164 00:07:28,570 --> 00:07:29,890 Yes? 165 00:07:29,930 --> 00:07:32,290 This must be the Winter Fuel Payment being taken away 166 00:07:32,330 --> 00:07:33,370 from richer pensioners. 167 00:07:33,410 --> 00:07:36,250 I don't think anybody wants the Winter Fuel Payment to be cut, 168 00:07:36,290 --> 00:07:40,250 mainly because it means your parents are going to have to come and stay. 169 00:07:40,290 --> 00:07:41,770 Everybody is angry. 170 00:07:41,810 --> 00:07:46,010 Check out this Daily Telegraph headline. 171 00:07:46,050 --> 00:07:48,970 LAUGHTER. 172 00:07:49,010 --> 00:07:51,770 That's like the sign of the apocalypse. 173 00:07:51,810 --> 00:07:54,170 Was anybody able to articulate a defence of the policy? 174 00:07:54,210 --> 00:07:55,850 Older pensioners. 175 00:07:55,890 --> 00:07:59,570 You know, I won't be there for a very long time, but, erm... 176 00:07:59,610 --> 00:08:01,490 ..it might be thought that they don't really 177 00:08:01,530 --> 00:08:03,490 need this, and perhaps they shouldn't have it. 178 00:08:03,530 --> 00:08:04,690 I think that's the argument. 179 00:08:04,730 --> 00:08:05,890 I don't buy it, obviously. 180 00:08:05,930 --> 00:08:06,930 I claim every penny. 181 00:08:06,970 --> 00:08:11,930 LAUGHTER. 182 00:08:13,250 --> 00:08:16,090 Should we see a Labour delegate put it a bit more coherently? 183 00:08:16,130 --> 00:08:17,130 Yeah. Yeah. 184 00:08:17,170 --> 00:08:19,770 Are you worried about the optics of all the various donations, 185 00:08:19,810 --> 00:08:22,170 given the fact that you're having to make that choice, 186 00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:25,290 or the Chancellor says Labour's had to make that choice to take away 187 00:08:25,330 --> 00:08:26,650 the winter fuel allowance from a lot of pensioners? 188 00:08:35,610 --> 00:08:36,570 LAUGHTER. 189 00:08:36,610 --> 00:08:41,290 I think... 190 00:08:41,330 --> 00:08:42,850 Sorry, could you repeat the question? 191 00:08:42,890 --> 00:08:47,850 LAUGHTER. 192 00:08:48,210 --> 00:08:53,010 It was a really miserable conference for Labour... 193 00:08:53,050 --> 00:08:55,970 LAUGHTER. 194 00:08:56,010 --> 00:08:58,250 ..but who tried to lighten the mood? 195 00:08:58,290 --> 00:09:01,090 Absolutely no-one, as far as I can remember. 196 00:09:01,130 --> 00:09:03,970 We had Rachel Reeves - having been doom and gloom all summer, 197 00:09:04,010 --> 00:09:08,050 the Times revealed that she would... 198 00:09:08,090 --> 00:09:13,050 Here she is trying to offer that positive vision. 199 00:09:15,490 --> 00:09:18,650 There's a touch of Wallace And Gromit going on there, isn't there? 200 00:09:18,690 --> 00:09:21,850 How did Keir himself accidentally lighten the mood? 201 00:09:21,890 --> 00:09:22,890 Sausages instead of hostages. 202 00:09:22,930 --> 00:09:24,090 Oh! 203 00:09:24,130 --> 00:09:25,130 So good. 204 00:09:25,170 --> 00:09:26,410 Yeah. 205 00:09:26,450 --> 00:09:30,010 I did feel for him because he gave a very long speech, and I thought 206 00:09:30,050 --> 00:09:32,410 no-one will remember anything about that apart from you said, 207 00:09:32,450 --> 00:09:34,050 "We're going to bring the sausages home." 208 00:09:34,090 --> 00:09:35,130 Yeah. 209 00:09:35,170 --> 00:09:37,530 I think what happened there is sometimes when I come 210 00:09:37,570 --> 00:09:39,450 on the television, my mates will be like, 211 00:09:39,490 --> 00:09:41,130 "Can you get the word unicycle in?" 212 00:09:41,170 --> 00:09:42,130 Which you've just done. 213 00:09:42,170 --> 00:09:43,210 LAUGHTER. 214 00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:45,130 James, you owe me a tenner, mate. Erm... 215 00:09:45,170 --> 00:09:46,770 Unicycle. I'll have a tenner as well. 216 00:09:46,810 --> 00:09:48,210 LAUGHTER. 217 00:09:48,250 --> 00:09:51,130 I think what's happened here is his mate, 218 00:09:51,170 --> 00:09:53,890 Labour peer Waheed Alli has gone, "If you say sausages 219 00:09:53,930 --> 00:09:58,890 in your next speech, I'll give you 16 grand." 220 00:10:00,850 --> 00:10:01,850 LAUGHTER. 221 00:10:01,890 --> 00:10:03,770 And he knew that "hostages" was coming up, 222 00:10:03,810 --> 00:10:06,410 and he saw an opportunity. That's what I think has happened. 223 00:10:06,450 --> 00:10:07,450 Product placement, effectively. 224 00:10:07,490 --> 00:10:08,490 Sounds plausible. 225 00:10:08,530 --> 00:10:11,610 APPLAUSE. 226 00:10:11,650 --> 00:10:15,090 Can I just say that the night Keir did that, I was doing 227 00:10:15,130 --> 00:10:19,010 an event with John McCarthy, who actually had been 228 00:10:19,050 --> 00:10:21,490 a hostage in Lebanon, and I thought, "Oh, no, 229 00:10:21,530 --> 00:10:23,290 this is really bad taste. 230 00:10:23,330 --> 00:10:25,210 I don't know what's going to happen." 231 00:10:25,250 --> 00:10:28,770 John McCarthy stood up and said, "As a former sausage..." 232 00:10:28,810 --> 00:10:30,370 LAUGHTER. 233 00:10:30,410 --> 00:10:35,370 APPLAUSE. 234 00:10:36,530 --> 00:10:38,570 Shall we have a look at the clip? 235 00:10:38,610 --> 00:10:40,810 I call again for an immediate ceasefire in Gaza, 236 00:10:40,850 --> 00:10:43,370 the return of the sausages... 237 00:10:43,410 --> 00:10:45,250 ..the hostages. 238 00:10:45,290 --> 00:10:46,410 LAUGHTER. 239 00:10:46,450 --> 00:10:49,450 It's so good! 240 00:10:49,490 --> 00:10:50,530 Is this any connection 241 00:10:50,570 --> 00:10:55,370 with Liz Truss opening up new pork markets? 242 00:10:55,410 --> 00:10:57,210 That is a disgrace. 243 00:10:57,250 --> 00:10:59,690 Yes. 244 00:10:59,730 --> 00:11:00,970 It's contradictory policies, though, 245 00:11:01,010 --> 00:11:02,410 because if the sausages get returned, 246 00:11:02,450 --> 00:11:06,690 then we've got no fuel to sort of cook them on. 247 00:11:06,730 --> 00:11:08,210 What are you writing down? 248 00:11:08,250 --> 00:11:11,450 Are you going to do that joke again but better? 249 00:11:11,490 --> 00:11:16,450 No, actually, it's nothing to do with you, I'm just writing a book. 250 00:11:16,810 --> 00:11:20,010 LAUGHTER. 251 00:11:20,050 --> 00:11:21,930 Final Fear For Keir. Let's take a look. 252 00:11:21,970 --> 00:11:25,370 Who have we got left? 253 00:11:25,410 --> 00:11:27,610 Angela Rayner. 254 00:11:27,650 --> 00:11:29,050 Do we get points for this? 255 00:11:29,090 --> 00:11:30,130 No, we don't. 256 00:11:30,170 --> 00:11:32,250 How long have you been doing this show? 257 00:11:32,290 --> 00:11:34,690 About 20 minutes. 258 00:11:34,730 --> 00:11:35,730 Yeah. 259 00:11:35,770 --> 00:11:36,770 It is Angela Rayner. 260 00:11:36,810 --> 00:11:38,690 Considering they keep telling us there's no money, 261 00:11:38,730 --> 00:11:40,330 Labour can't stop splashing the cash. 262 00:11:40,370 --> 00:11:44,490 What has Angela Rayner spent £68,000 of taxpayer money on? 263 00:11:44,530 --> 00:11:45,930 Ooh! 264 00:11:45,970 --> 00:11:47,130 This is a private photographer. 265 00:11:47,170 --> 00:11:48,170 A vanity photographer. 266 00:11:48,210 --> 00:11:52,650 Have you seen what she's been photographed doing so far? 267 00:11:52,690 --> 00:11:53,730 CHLOE:No. 268 00:11:53,770 --> 00:11:56,370 So you'd think for 68 grand, you would get a photographer 269 00:11:56,410 --> 00:12:00,090 who could remove his own fingers from the picture. 270 00:12:00,130 --> 00:12:05,130 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE. 271 00:12:07,010 --> 00:12:10,970 Who will be happy about Angela Rayner's vanity photographer? 272 00:12:11,010 --> 00:12:12,770 She will be, presumably? 273 00:12:12,810 --> 00:12:14,570 Former Tory MP Jake Berry. 274 00:12:14,610 --> 00:12:17,650 Here he is talking about Angela Rayner. 275 00:12:17,690 --> 00:12:20,290 I actually think Angela Rayner is a very, very attractive woman, 276 00:12:20,330 --> 00:12:22,930 and I used to have a picture of her pinned up. 277 00:12:22,970 --> 00:12:23,970 She was... 278 00:12:24,010 --> 00:12:26,130 I had a picture of her. 279 00:12:26,170 --> 00:12:29,450 There was a book launch, and I pinched the poster on the way out. 280 00:12:29,490 --> 00:12:30,730 Does your wife know this? 281 00:12:30,770 --> 00:12:32,130 Yeah, my wife does, don't worry. 282 00:12:32,170 --> 00:12:36,170 I pinched the poster on the way out, and I had it pinned up in my office. 283 00:12:36,210 --> 00:12:38,090 This was when I was a Conservative MP. 284 00:12:38,130 --> 00:12:39,130 SHOCKED LAUGHTER. 285 00:12:39,170 --> 00:12:40,810 Sharing a split screen with Jeremy Kyle, 286 00:12:40,850 --> 00:12:43,610 and you still come across as the creepiest bastard there. 287 00:12:43,650 --> 00:12:45,050 But he's done quite well considering, 288 00:12:45,090 --> 00:12:50,050 according to that caption, he was a former chair. 289 00:12:51,570 --> 00:12:53,610 You know, to be fair... 290 00:12:53,650 --> 00:12:55,770 This is the end of Keir Starmer's honeymoon period. 291 00:12:55,810 --> 00:12:57,650 Just three months in, 292 00:12:57,690 --> 00:13:02,450 a majority of voters already think Labour will lose the next election. 293 00:13:02,490 --> 00:13:05,090 Put it this way - there are cruise ships in Belfast 294 00:13:05,130 --> 00:13:08,410 that have got off to a better start. 295 00:13:09,730 --> 00:13:12,450 Keir Starmer received tickets to a Taylor Swift concert. 296 00:13:12,490 --> 00:13:14,570 How times have changed at Westminster. 297 00:13:14,610 --> 00:13:15,850 In Boris' day, 298 00:13:15,890 --> 00:13:20,850 a "Swiftie" was when you impregnate a member of staff... 299 00:13:25,650 --> 00:13:29,930 ..before your wife gets home. 300 00:13:29,970 --> 00:13:30,970 So... 301 00:13:31,010 --> 00:13:33,370 He did write a hysterical column in the Mail accusing 302 00:13:33,410 --> 00:13:37,850 Keir Starmer of being sleazy. 303 00:13:37,890 --> 00:13:39,770 Paul and Chloe, take a look at this. 304 00:13:39,810 --> 00:13:40,810 Yeah. 305 00:13:40,850 --> 00:13:42,250 Sorry. I looked the wrong way. 306 00:13:42,290 --> 00:13:43,290 Paul... Paul and Chloe... 307 00:13:43,330 --> 00:13:44,330 Yeah. 308 00:13:44,370 --> 00:13:45,530 ..take a look at this. 309 00:13:45,570 --> 00:13:48,370 LAUGHTER. 310 00:13:48,410 --> 00:13:50,090 Paul... 311 00:13:50,130 --> 00:13:51,770 What, are you going to do something? 312 00:13:51,810 --> 00:13:53,290 No, no, no. 313 00:13:53,330 --> 00:13:54,570 Paul and Chloe... 314 00:13:54,610 --> 00:13:56,010 Yeah. 315 00:13:56,050 --> 00:13:57,050 We're still here. 316 00:13:57,090 --> 00:13:58,290 ..take a look at this. 317 00:13:58,330 --> 00:14:00,290 No. Paul and Chloe... 318 00:14:00,330 --> 00:14:04,130 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE. 319 00:14:04,170 --> 00:14:06,570 Has it been in the news this week? 320 00:14:06,610 --> 00:14:09,370 I hope... 321 00:14:09,410 --> 00:14:10,970 KEVIN LAUGHS. 322 00:14:11,010 --> 00:14:14,650 Paul and Chloe, take a look at this. 323 00:14:14,690 --> 00:14:16,050 I think that's Tom Tugendhat. 324 00:14:16,090 --> 00:14:18,650 A clean start. Yes. 325 00:14:18,690 --> 00:14:20,730 "Just empty your pockets, sir." 326 00:14:20,770 --> 00:14:21,770 Erm... 327 00:14:21,810 --> 00:14:23,770 Yeah, that's James Cleverly. 328 00:14:23,810 --> 00:14:26,370 Kemi Badenoch looking for some mothers to take some money off. 329 00:14:26,410 --> 00:14:27,410 Yeah. 330 00:14:27,450 --> 00:14:28,450 And, er... 331 00:14:28,490 --> 00:14:29,490 Oh. 332 00:14:29,530 --> 00:14:30,530 AUDIENCE GROANS. 333 00:14:30,570 --> 00:14:32,450 Just a normal way to hold your wife. 334 00:14:32,490 --> 00:14:33,690 Yeah, exactly. Yeah. 335 00:14:33,730 --> 00:14:35,610 So who are these people? Do you know? 336 00:14:35,650 --> 00:14:38,410 Not a clue. No. 337 00:14:38,450 --> 00:14:40,450 I'm not sure some of them know. No. 338 00:14:40,490 --> 00:14:42,810 This is the Conservative Party conference in Birmingham, 339 00:14:42,850 --> 00:14:44,890 the hottest ticket in town. 340 00:14:44,930 --> 00:14:46,930 Take a look at this. 341 00:14:46,970 --> 00:14:49,890 There is a brilliant buzz at this conference, isn't there? 342 00:14:49,930 --> 00:14:50,930 It's fantastic. 343 00:14:50,970 --> 00:14:51,970 Terrific energy. 344 00:14:52,010 --> 00:14:53,730 Thousands of you here. 345 00:14:53,770 --> 00:14:57,650 We've got members, councillors, MPs, businesses. 346 00:14:57,690 --> 00:15:02,050 In fact, it's such a hot ticket, I'm surprised that Keir Starmer 347 00:15:02,090 --> 00:15:04,770 hasn't asked somebody to buy him one. 348 00:15:04,810 --> 00:15:06,650 CHEERING. 349 00:15:06,690 --> 00:15:11,610 Rishi's joke there an absolute fucking belter. 350 00:15:11,650 --> 00:15:13,610 But it's very peculiar. 351 00:15:13,650 --> 00:15:16,570 I mean, the party that's just won with a thumping majority 352 00:15:16,610 --> 00:15:18,490 is absolutely miserable, 353 00:15:18,530 --> 00:15:21,770 and the ones that have been wiped out and have got no chance 354 00:15:21,810 --> 00:15:24,570 for the next 50 decades are going, "This is great!" 355 00:15:24,610 --> 00:15:26,970 I actually think the Tories do like being in opposition, 356 00:15:27,010 --> 00:15:29,770 because it means they can attack the people they really hate, 357 00:15:29,810 --> 00:15:32,610 which is each other. 358 00:15:32,650 --> 00:15:33,690 They're certainly thrilled. 359 00:15:33,730 --> 00:15:38,690 They thought they had a great conference, didn't they? 360 00:15:39,610 --> 00:15:42,170 I've got a problem because, as a citizen of a democracy, 361 00:15:42,210 --> 00:15:44,570 I want them to have a really good leader, right? 362 00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:47,210 But as a journalist and someone who does comedy panel shows, 363 00:15:47,250 --> 00:15:49,050 I want it to be Robert Jenrick. 364 00:15:49,090 --> 00:15:50,450 LAUGHTER. 365 00:15:50,490 --> 00:15:51,490 Which one was he? 366 00:15:51,530 --> 00:15:52,530 He's the last one. 367 00:15:52,570 --> 00:15:53,770 He was the last one? 368 00:15:53,810 --> 00:15:55,650 One of his kids' middle name is Thatcher. 369 00:15:55,690 --> 00:15:56,690 GROANING. 370 00:15:56,730 --> 00:15:57,770 Really? 371 00:15:57,810 --> 00:15:59,930 And he said, "I understand women because I've got 372 00:15:59,970 --> 00:16:02,330 three daughters, a wife, and my two dogs are female." 373 00:16:02,370 --> 00:16:04,690 Kemi Badenoch has made a pretty strong pitch at being 374 00:16:04,730 --> 00:16:06,370 the biggest crackpot at the Tory leadership. 375 00:16:06,410 --> 00:16:07,810 What does she think is excessive? 376 00:16:07,850 --> 00:16:08,850 Maternity pay. 377 00:16:08,890 --> 00:16:09,890 You're right. 378 00:16:09,930 --> 00:16:14,330 The answer is statutory maternity pay. 379 00:16:14,370 --> 00:16:15,410 Yeah. 380 00:16:15,450 --> 00:16:19,650 Which is always a good idea, winding up pregnant women. 381 00:16:19,690 --> 00:16:22,250 It's not good having a name that starts with the word 382 00:16:22,290 --> 00:16:23,290 "bad," though, is it? 383 00:16:23,330 --> 00:16:28,330 And ends with "Enoch." 384 00:16:29,090 --> 00:16:30,090 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE. 385 00:16:30,130 --> 00:16:31,970 So if you pledge support to Kemi Badenoch, 386 00:16:32,010 --> 00:16:33,450 you can join her WhatsApp group. 387 00:16:33,490 --> 00:16:38,450 What sort of fun do they have on Kemi Badenoch's WhatsApp group? 388 00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:41,450 Emojis? They're quite fun. 389 00:16:41,490 --> 00:16:42,290 Yeah. 390 00:16:42,330 --> 00:16:45,890 They actually write Kemi-inspired limericks. 391 00:16:45,930 --> 00:16:47,170 No. 392 00:16:47,210 --> 00:16:48,250 No, I'm against that. 393 00:16:48,290 --> 00:16:49,890 Would you like to hear a sample? 394 00:16:49,930 --> 00:16:50,930 Yes, please. 395 00:16:50,970 --> 00:16:53,290 I think so. Yeah. 396 00:16:55,330 --> 00:16:57,850 Then it just goes to shit. 397 00:17:05,850 --> 00:17:10,810 I think it's a cry for help rather than a limerick. 398 00:17:11,970 --> 00:17:14,330 We know Kemi's got the right stuff and won't fail 399 00:17:14,370 --> 00:17:15,450 when the going gets tough. 400 00:17:15,490 --> 00:17:18,130 You won't get any money if you're a new mummy so... 401 00:17:18,170 --> 00:17:19,570 ..so we say she's had enough. 402 00:17:19,610 --> 00:17:20,610 APPLAUSE. 403 00:17:20,650 --> 00:17:23,610 Thank you very much. Thank you. 404 00:17:23,650 --> 00:17:25,050 We've got an alternative last line. 405 00:17:25,090 --> 00:17:26,090 Go on, then. 406 00:17:26,130 --> 00:17:28,010 So don't try and get up the duff. 407 00:17:28,050 --> 00:17:29,250 CHLOE:Oh! 408 00:17:29,290 --> 00:17:30,090 APPLAUSE. 409 00:17:30,130 --> 00:17:31,130 Yes! 410 00:17:31,170 --> 00:17:33,130 Yeah. There we are. 411 00:17:33,170 --> 00:17:37,290 Robert Jenrick is probably the favourite. 412 00:17:37,330 --> 00:17:41,090 Now, if your name was Robert Jenrick and you wanted to jazz it up a bit, 413 00:17:41,130 --> 00:17:42,890 so it was a bit more cool... 414 00:17:42,930 --> 00:17:43,810 Yeah. 415 00:17:43,850 --> 00:17:45,250 ..how would you go about that? 416 00:17:45,290 --> 00:17:46,290 Bobby. 417 00:17:46,330 --> 00:17:47,330 Bobby Jenrick. 418 00:17:47,370 --> 00:17:48,770 And he's called himself Bobby J. 419 00:17:48,810 --> 00:17:49,810 They've got hats. 420 00:17:49,850 --> 00:17:50,850 GROANING. 421 00:17:50,890 --> 00:17:51,890 "We want Bobby J." 422 00:17:51,930 --> 00:17:52,930 Yeah. 423 00:17:52,970 --> 00:17:53,970 We want Bobby J. 424 00:17:54,010 --> 00:17:56,370 HELEN:It's an ill-advised reference to someone who got shot. 425 00:17:56,410 --> 00:17:58,050 It is also an ill-advised reference because, 426 00:17:58,090 --> 00:17:59,090 according to Urban Dictionary... 427 00:17:59,130 --> 00:18:01,010 Yes, it's a reference to a blow job. 428 00:18:01,050 --> 00:18:02,050 In certain communities, yes. 429 00:18:02,090 --> 00:18:03,090 Chloe looks scandalised. 430 00:18:03,130 --> 00:18:04,530 I enjoyed your genuine kind of... 431 00:18:04,570 --> 00:18:05,730 SHE GASPS. Not Bobby J! 432 00:18:05,770 --> 00:18:10,730 It's worth getting one, though, isn't it? 433 00:18:12,050 --> 00:18:13,450 The cap, I mean, the cap. 434 00:18:13,490 --> 00:18:16,650 You know... 435 00:18:16,690 --> 00:18:19,210 Robert Jenrick owns an unusual item of personal grooming equipment. 436 00:18:19,250 --> 00:18:20,890 Can you tell me what it is? 437 00:18:20,930 --> 00:18:25,890 A nasal permer. 438 00:18:26,330 --> 00:18:27,930 It is kind of related to hair. 439 00:18:27,970 --> 00:18:30,130 Is it a comb? 440 00:18:30,170 --> 00:18:33,250 You sound like you haven't come across one of those for some time. 441 00:18:33,290 --> 00:18:36,770 You're right! 442 00:18:36,810 --> 00:18:39,410 According to the Mirror... 443 00:18:39,450 --> 00:18:41,730 What?! 444 00:18:41,770 --> 00:18:44,010 Even more disturbingly, it's for his palms. 445 00:18:44,050 --> 00:18:48,690 Another of the candidates is James Cleverly. 446 00:18:48,730 --> 00:18:53,050 Every successful politician has a big vision and a slogan to match. 447 00:18:53,090 --> 00:18:54,330 Obama's "Yes, we can". 448 00:18:54,370 --> 00:18:56,010 Martin Luther King's "I have a dream". 449 00:18:56,050 --> 00:18:59,090 Let's take a look at James Cleverly's. 450 00:18:59,130 --> 00:19:04,050 Let's be more normal. 451 00:19:05,730 --> 00:19:07,370 Liz Truss was at the Tory conference. 452 00:19:07,410 --> 00:19:08,810 What did she have to say? 453 00:19:08,850 --> 00:19:09,850 "I'll be back." 454 00:19:09,890 --> 00:19:13,010 She said the Conservatives would have done better at 455 00:19:13,050 --> 00:19:15,170 the last election if they hadn't kicked her out. 456 00:19:15,210 --> 00:19:16,330 She said, "I wasn't wrong." 457 00:19:16,370 --> 00:19:17,410 Yeah. 458 00:19:17,450 --> 00:19:20,770 I mean, it's become a bit like sort of going to see the lunatics 459 00:19:20,810 --> 00:19:21,810 in Bedlam, hasn't it? 460 00:19:21,850 --> 00:19:24,130 "Oh, I wonder what Liz Truss will say. 461 00:19:24,170 --> 00:19:29,130 Go on! Say something mad." 462 00:19:30,650 --> 00:19:35,570 APPLAUSE. 463 00:19:35,610 --> 00:19:38,250 This is the Tory leadership battle, down to the final four. 464 00:19:38,290 --> 00:19:39,650 The Guardian presented this helpful guide 465 00:19:39,690 --> 00:19:41,410 to the Conservative leadership candidates, 466 00:19:41,450 --> 00:19:46,410 after which the passport photo booth blew itself up. 467 00:19:46,810 --> 00:19:51,050 Kemi Badenoch told the Tory conference that... 468 00:19:51,090 --> 00:19:56,050 So about the same proportion of Tory MPs and BBC newsreaders. 469 00:20:00,650 --> 00:20:05,570 In Birmingham last week, Liz Truss declared... 470 00:20:06,290 --> 00:20:08,170 ..to which the barman replied "I know, love, 471 00:20:08,210 --> 00:20:12,210 but I called last orders 20 minutes ago." 472 00:20:12,250 --> 00:20:14,130 You want me to do that again cleaner? 473 00:20:14,170 --> 00:20:15,170 CREW:Just carry on. 474 00:20:15,210 --> 00:20:16,210 Just carry on. 475 00:20:16,250 --> 00:20:17,250 All right, mate. 476 00:20:17,290 --> 00:20:18,290 Pfft. Relax, mate. 477 00:20:18,330 --> 00:20:21,250 OK. 478 00:20:21,290 --> 00:20:23,890 And we forgot to do the round about the Middle East, 479 00:20:23,930 --> 00:20:26,330 so that's coming up. 480 00:20:26,370 --> 00:20:30,570 Not many series only have one episode, but... 481 00:20:30,610 --> 00:20:34,250 ..this might be the one. 482 00:20:34,290 --> 00:20:35,450 And so to round two. 483 00:20:35,490 --> 00:20:40,450 This is the Strengthometer Of News. 484 00:20:41,170 --> 00:20:42,290 OK, fingers on buzzers, teams. 485 00:20:42,330 --> 00:20:43,330 BANG. 486 00:20:43,370 --> 00:20:44,370 There we go. 487 00:20:44,410 --> 00:20:47,170 This is the cruise ship, 488 00:20:47,210 --> 00:20:51,090 which I believe now has eventually left Belfast. 489 00:20:51,130 --> 00:20:53,690 It's been there for about three or four months, 490 00:20:53,730 --> 00:20:57,010 and finally, it's set sail and they're just heading 491 00:20:57,050 --> 00:20:58,930 across the Atlantic now, where there's been reports 492 00:20:58,970 --> 00:21:00,850 of icebergs, but they're not worried about that. 493 00:21:00,890 --> 00:21:02,290 It finally left Belfast on Monday. 494 00:21:02,330 --> 00:21:03,970 We can see how far it got. 495 00:21:04,010 --> 00:21:05,450 Yeah. 496 00:21:05,490 --> 00:21:08,810 It got about as far as Bangor, and not even the one in Wales. 497 00:21:08,850 --> 00:21:13,410 It got as far as the local Bangor, and then it turned back, 498 00:21:13,450 --> 00:21:17,410 giving the explanation... 499 00:21:17,450 --> 00:21:18,850 Where is it going now? 500 00:21:18,890 --> 00:21:21,250 Caribbean next up, isn't it? 501 00:21:21,290 --> 00:21:22,650 Closer to home. 502 00:21:22,690 --> 00:21:25,970 Caribbean? 503 00:21:26,010 --> 00:21:27,250 {\an8}Sorry. 504 00:21:27,290 --> 00:21:28,690 {\an8}Isn't it going somewhere in Scotland? 505 00:21:28,730 --> 00:21:29,770 Yes, it is. 506 00:21:29,810 --> 00:21:32,370 I was quite flattered it was going to take in Scotland. 507 00:21:32,410 --> 00:21:35,290 It's going there... 508 00:21:35,330 --> 00:21:37,210 The cruise is meant to be a three-and-a-half-year 509 00:21:37,250 --> 00:21:39,330 round-the-world trip. 510 00:21:39,370 --> 00:21:41,810 Why might one cruiser be seeking a refund? 511 00:21:41,850 --> 00:21:44,450 He liked it in port and he's angry they've started moving? 512 00:21:44,490 --> 00:21:47,770 One woman paid £75,000 for a permanent cabin, 513 00:21:47,810 --> 00:21:52,490 and she was kicked off for... 514 00:21:52,530 --> 00:21:53,890 Oh! 515 00:21:53,930 --> 00:21:56,930 She did it in limerick form as well. 516 00:21:56,970 --> 00:21:58,090 She did it... 517 00:21:58,130 --> 00:21:59,810 She did it in a private WhatsApp. 518 00:21:59,850 --> 00:22:02,290 So there's also a grass on board, 519 00:22:02,330 --> 00:22:07,290 which is the last thing you want to be in Belfast. 520 00:22:08,970 --> 00:22:11,730 How have the passengers spent their days stuck in Belfast? 521 00:22:11,770 --> 00:22:14,210 Having a good time. 522 00:22:14,250 --> 00:22:16,130 Generally, they always seemed to be very upbeat, 523 00:22:16,170 --> 00:22:18,290 the people I saw being interviewed on the news. 524 00:22:18,330 --> 00:22:19,730 One couple had this to say. 525 00:22:19,770 --> 00:22:22,370 How did yous manage to stay happy throughout all this happening? 526 00:22:22,410 --> 00:22:24,050 Oh, how can you not in Belfast? 527 00:22:24,090 --> 00:22:25,250 We've had so much fun. 528 00:22:25,290 --> 00:22:26,290 We drank. 529 00:22:26,330 --> 00:22:29,930 {\an8}LAUGHTER. 530 00:22:29,970 --> 00:22:33,690 {\an8}That is actually the captain and the first mate. 531 00:22:33,730 --> 00:22:35,610 OK, fingers on buzzers, teams. 532 00:22:35,650 --> 00:22:38,090 Yeah. 533 00:22:41,650 --> 00:22:44,570 What an unusual thing to do with your mouth. 534 00:22:44,610 --> 00:22:48,530 I think this was the debate, which got a lot of coverage 535 00:22:48,570 --> 00:22:50,450 at the time, particularly Donald Trump's assertion that 536 00:22:50,490 --> 00:22:52,610 people in a place called Springfield were eating pets, 537 00:22:52,650 --> 00:22:53,650 eating cats and dogs. 538 00:22:53,690 --> 00:22:55,610 Yep, here we go. 539 00:22:55,650 --> 00:22:58,330 They're eating the dogs, the people that came in. 540 00:22:58,370 --> 00:22:59,530 They're eating the cats. 541 00:22:59,570 --> 00:23:01,210 They're eating... 542 00:23:01,250 --> 00:23:06,210 They're eating the pets of the people that live there. 543 00:23:08,410 --> 00:23:12,130 Perhaps he's seen somebody eating a hostage dog. 544 00:23:12,170 --> 00:23:17,130 APPLAUSE. 545 00:23:17,170 --> 00:23:20,370 Kamala Harris has been trying to present herself 546 00:23:20,410 --> 00:23:21,810 as a sort of Republican lite. 547 00:23:21,850 --> 00:23:23,250 How has she been doing that? 548 00:23:23,290 --> 00:23:24,690 "I own a gun," she says. 549 00:23:24,730 --> 00:23:25,730 Boasting. 550 00:23:25,770 --> 00:23:30,730 Boasting to Oprah Winfrey. 551 00:23:31,850 --> 00:23:34,650 What has been Donald Trump's latest attempt to grab headlines? 552 00:23:34,690 --> 00:23:37,290 There are a lot of quite good sort of dance remixes 553 00:23:37,330 --> 00:23:39,450 of him because he said, "They're eating the dogs, 554 00:23:39,490 --> 00:23:41,370 they're eating the cats, they're eating the pets 555 00:23:41,410 --> 00:23:42,850 of the people that live here." 556 00:23:42,890 --> 00:23:45,690 Which actually is a much better poem than the Kemi WhatsApp group. 557 00:23:45,730 --> 00:23:47,850 They could really learn a little something from that, 558 00:23:47,890 --> 00:23:48,890 frankly. 559 00:23:48,930 --> 00:23:51,250 This particular question is in relation to Donald Trump 560 00:23:51,290 --> 00:23:53,690 launching a new brand of luxury watches... 561 00:23:53,730 --> 00:23:56,650 Oh, yes. Yes. 562 00:23:56,690 --> 00:23:58,130 ..which cost up to $100,000. 563 00:23:58,170 --> 00:24:00,490 They tell you the time that he should be doing. 564 00:24:00,530 --> 00:24:01,530 Yeah. 565 00:24:01,570 --> 00:24:04,690 APPLAUSE. 566 00:24:04,730 --> 00:24:06,210 Here's the advert. 567 00:24:06,250 --> 00:24:08,690 This isn't just any watch. 568 00:24:08,730 --> 00:24:12,290 It's one of the best watches made with almost 200g of gold 569 00:24:12,330 --> 00:24:14,170 and more than 100 real diamonds. 570 00:24:14,210 --> 00:24:15,410 That's a lot of diamonds. 571 00:24:15,450 --> 00:24:19,010 I love gold, I love diamonds. 572 00:24:19,050 --> 00:24:21,530 "Watch is for illustrative purposes only. 573 00:24:21,570 --> 00:24:24,330 It is not an exact representation of the final product." 574 00:24:24,370 --> 00:24:27,410 It says in tiny writing at the bottom. 575 00:24:27,450 --> 00:24:30,250 Do you want the name of the company that makes the watches? 576 00:24:30,290 --> 00:24:32,850 Fly-By-Night Fake Watches Dot Com. 577 00:24:32,890 --> 00:24:36,130 They're called... 578 00:24:36,170 --> 00:24:41,130 Why has a statue of Donald Trump caused upset in Las Vegas? 579 00:24:41,330 --> 00:24:43,650 Is the statue in the form of a one-armed bandit? 580 00:24:43,690 --> 00:24:45,930 So you pull his arm... 581 00:24:45,970 --> 00:24:47,530 ..then a golden sho... 582 00:24:47,570 --> 00:24:50,770 No, I'm not going there. 583 00:24:50,810 --> 00:24:52,450 Have you got a picture of it? 584 00:24:52,490 --> 00:24:54,130 Do you want to see the picture? 585 00:24:54,170 --> 00:24:55,170 Yeah, go on. 586 00:24:55,210 --> 00:24:56,250 So it's offended... 587 00:24:56,290 --> 00:24:57,770 ALL GROAN. 588 00:24:57,810 --> 00:24:59,690 Here it is from a different angle there. 589 00:24:59,730 --> 00:25:00,730 Look, there's a little... 590 00:25:00,770 --> 00:25:01,770 ..hostage there. 591 00:25:01,810 --> 00:25:06,330 APPLAUSE. 592 00:25:06,370 --> 00:25:08,010 What is the title of the artwork? 593 00:25:08,050 --> 00:25:10,130 Does anybody want to have a guess at that? 594 00:25:10,170 --> 00:25:11,610 Is it Naked Greed? 595 00:25:11,650 --> 00:25:14,090 Ooh, that's good. 596 00:25:14,130 --> 00:25:15,130 I like that. 597 00:25:15,170 --> 00:25:16,210 The Little Prick? 598 00:25:16,250 --> 00:25:21,210 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE. 599 00:25:22,050 --> 00:25:27,010 Yes, the 43-foot, £6,000 nude structure is called... 600 00:25:29,250 --> 00:25:32,650 Well, time now for the Missing Words Round, which this week features 601 00:25:32,690 --> 00:25:35,290 as its guest publication The Searcher, 602 00:25:35,330 --> 00:25:38,170 the magazine for metal detector enthusiasts. 603 00:25:38,210 --> 00:25:39,970 Search as long as you like - 604 00:25:40,010 --> 00:25:44,690 you won't find anything that anyone gives a shit about. 605 00:25:44,730 --> 00:25:46,410 I would dispute your fact 606 00:25:46,450 --> 00:25:47,810 that no-one's ever found anything interesting. 607 00:25:47,850 --> 00:25:48,970 Mm. 608 00:25:49,010 --> 00:25:50,410 I was in a field. Mm... 609 00:25:50,450 --> 00:25:55,410 Did someone find you? Yeah. 610 00:25:55,730 --> 00:25:58,290 No, and I went with a metal detector and I found 611 00:25:58,330 --> 00:25:59,330 an Anglo-Saxon silver coin. 612 00:25:59,370 --> 00:26:00,370 Ah. 613 00:26:00,410 --> 00:26:01,410 King Edgar. 614 00:26:01,450 --> 00:26:03,210 About 590. 615 00:26:03,250 --> 00:26:06,290 That's not what it's worth. 616 00:26:06,330 --> 00:26:10,250 We start with... 617 00:26:11,770 --> 00:26:13,010 Fake conkers. 618 00:26:13,050 --> 00:26:14,250 CHLOE:Oven usage? 619 00:26:14,290 --> 00:26:16,810 Cold conkers. 620 00:26:16,850 --> 00:26:17,850 Very close. 621 00:26:17,890 --> 00:26:19,570 The answer is... 622 00:26:19,610 --> 00:26:21,650 Frozen conkers! 623 00:26:21,690 --> 00:26:26,650 This is Conkerthon in Hertfordshire, 624 00:26:26,770 --> 00:26:31,730 where one angry competitor said that using frozen conkers was... 625 00:26:35,930 --> 00:26:37,610 There we go. 626 00:26:37,650 --> 00:26:40,250 Thanks to Labour scrapping the fuel allowance, there's going to be 627 00:26:40,290 --> 00:26:42,370 a lot of pensioners with frozen conkers this winter. 628 00:26:42,410 --> 00:26:46,370 Next... 629 00:26:46,410 --> 00:26:50,010 Evensong. 630 00:26:50,050 --> 00:26:52,170 If you miss experiencing life because you're glued to 631 00:26:52,210 --> 00:26:57,170 the internet, there's now a website that lets you relive it. 632 00:26:57,330 --> 00:27:01,690 The answer is if you miss... 633 00:27:01,730 --> 00:27:04,330 This is an article for computer buffs nostalgic for the days 634 00:27:04,370 --> 00:27:09,330 of performing tasks such as... 635 00:27:13,850 --> 00:27:16,890 I'm not sure I know how to do that, but more importantly, 636 00:27:16,930 --> 00:27:21,730 neither did Huw Edwards. 637 00:27:21,770 --> 00:27:26,730 Finally... 638 00:27:28,050 --> 00:27:29,290 A metal detector! 639 00:27:29,330 --> 00:27:30,410 Ian Hislop. 640 00:27:30,450 --> 00:27:32,450 Yes. 641 00:27:32,490 --> 00:27:35,730 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE. 642 00:27:35,770 --> 00:27:40,730 We've got a picture of Ian here. 643 00:27:44,890 --> 00:27:47,970 CHEERING. 644 00:27:48,010 --> 00:27:52,770 You look as if you're building a joint with that guy, Ian. 645 00:27:52,810 --> 00:27:56,090 So the final scores are Ian and Helen have 3 points, 646 00:27:56,130 --> 00:27:58,050 and Paul and Chloe have 7. 647 00:27:58,090 --> 00:27:59,250 Well done, Paul and Chloe. 648 00:27:59,290 --> 00:28:00,290 Well done. Well done. 649 00:28:00,330 --> 00:28:05,290 You were brilliant. I want a recount. 650 00:28:06,890 --> 00:28:09,250 On which note, we say thank you to our panellists 651 00:28:09,290 --> 00:28:11,650 Ian Hislop and Helen Lewis, Paul Merton and Chloe Petts, 652 00:28:11,690 --> 00:28:14,530 and I leave you with the news that at the new Ryman 653 00:28:14,570 --> 00:28:16,330 megastore in London, after setting his heart 654 00:28:16,370 --> 00:28:18,250 on the giant hole punch, one customer wonders 655 00:28:18,290 --> 00:28:21,610 whether he could claim it back as office supplies. 656 00:28:21,650 --> 00:28:24,170 At a retirement home in Fife, 657 00:28:24,210 --> 00:28:26,570 one lucky nana celebrates having won this week's bingo jackpot. 658 00:28:26,610 --> 00:28:31,570 And in London, a new artwork is unveiled at the headquarters 659 00:28:32,250 --> 00:28:37,210 of the National Institute of Proctologists. 660 00:28:40,170 --> 00:28:43,490 Goodnight. 661 00:28:43,530 --> 00:28:48,490 APPLAUSE.