Hello, I'm Phil Wang.
It's good to be back - last time I was here, I hosted,
so I guess that went well.
Um...
This programme contains some strong language and adult humour
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You,
I'm Professor Hannah Fry. In the news this week,
as he plumbs the depths of reality TV,
Matt Hancock's triumph on Celebrity Does My Head Fit In There?
proves to be a hollow victory.
As the daily regime of exercise begins,
there are complaints of cruelty at Battersea Dogs Home.
And as Taylor Swift announces new dates at Wembley,
there's already high demand for tickets.
APPLAUSE
On Ian's team tonight is a comedian and, amazingly,
another mathematician. Really?
Oh, he doesn't half look like one!
Please welcome Phil Wang!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
On Paul's team tonight is a presenter whose TV career
began with the phrase, "I'll take one from the top,
"two from the middle and two from the bottom."
It's like Keir Starmer picking out free shoes.
Please welcome Carol Vorderman.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK, we are going to begin with the bigger news stories of this week.
Ian and Phil, have a little look at this.
Right, that's frozen cabinet, a few pensioners in there.
Live footage from the Treasury.
Yeah, there's nothing left.
Ooh, it's a machine. It's Labour's new Chief of Staff.
This is the budget. It is the budget.
We're still waiting for it.
Yes, we are. Right, there we go. Next.
Oh, you want some speculation? Go on.
Well, I reckon there's going to be a tax increase.
They have got this quite big black hole to fill.
A black hole that's got bigger. Do you know how big it is now?
It's now £40 billion. It is. It was £22 billion.
Absolutely. Which is a percentage rise of...
Well, almost double.
Wow. She's still got it!
You're absolutely right, though.
But the government have leaked a lot of scare stories
about how they're going to raise another £22 billion.
What is the latest tax rise that they have refused to rule out?
The employers' national insurance rise. Yes.
And they have said,
"Look, it looks in the manifesto
"as though we said we won't raise national insurance
"but it turns out we said we won't increase
"EMPLOYEES' national insurance but we will increase EMPLOYERS'."
Mm. So the difference of a single letter means they weren't lying.
But you say the difference of one letter.
You know, that's the difference between "uniformed police officers"
and "uninformed police officers".
One letter.
OK, what were the government pinning their hopes on
to inject more money into the economy this week?
They found a new way of defining what debt is. Mm-hm.
And it's brilliant because it actually means
that you don't owe what you think.
Not the answer I wanted. A different answer.
Not the non-doms?
Not the non-doms. The private investment summit.
Oh, yes.
I want the answer I've got down on the card, OK?
OK, professor. Thank you.
You'd think you might get a little latitude around the answer. Oh, no.
No, no, no. You're thinking of geography there!
That's a different subject altogether.
So, Labour hosted a big investment summit at the Guildhall
in London this week. Yes, and they got lots of investors in,
including P&O.
They did. They did. Which is a bit embarrassing. Why so?
Well, because when they were in opposition,
they said P&O are a disgrace and they sack hundreds of workers
and then rehire people on agency fees and they are abominable.
But now they are in government, they've said, "Hello!"
I think Keir wants a free cruise!
"Let's go to the Bahamas, baby!"
To be specific, this was Transport Secretary Louise Haigh,
who described P&O Ferries as "a cowboy operator"
and a "rogue outfit".
Yeah, because they've got a terrible employment record. Mm.
In 2022, they sacked 800 workers by text message and video link
and then immediately rehired cheaper replacements from abroad.
So, Phil, take over. Go on.
APPLAUSE
Do you know what the government did
to try and woo the investors at this...?
Free biscuits? Michelin star meal?
I mean, you're close, they did try and woo them
with some quite delicious delicacies.
"They served amazing English food," apparently.
Was it Greggs?
Still on Labour, Ian... Yeah, but they did have Elton John.
They did have Elton John. He sang Candle In The Wind
about Liz Truss, it was very moving.
APPLAUSE
What is Health Secretary Wes Streeting's radical plan
to save the NHS? He is going to give people Ozempic jabs,
or weight loss drugs, to get them back to work. Yeah.
So, you know, Wes Streeting is trying to fight inflation, too.
The theory is, everyone is overweight in the entire country,
so you give everyone this jab, they become slim, they go to work -
growth, productivity,
we become the richest nation on earth, and thin. Mm.
What could go wrong?
You know they are advertising Ozempic
in the States now quite heavily?
Do you know what classic British pop song they are using to advertise it?
Ooh... I'm Too Sexy For Myself?
Is it? No. OK, give us a clue.
All right, I tell you what, I'll play you the clip. OK, yeah.
Looking to get back in your type II diabetes zone?
Once weekly Ozempic can help.
BELL RINGS
Did that ad say, "Are you trying to get back into type II diabetes?"
Is that the state of the health of Americans?
They are trying to get back to diabetes?
Yeah, that's an improvement!
Anyone here taken Ozempic?
What are you trying to say?
Do you think this isn't just exercise and healthy eating?
Yeah, the only problem is that, as soon as you come off the Ozempic,
all of the weight just immediately goes back on again, so nice plan...
Well, flu jab for winter, Ozempic for summer.
How did the government contrive to squander £150,000
in taxpayers' money in August this year?
Well, I think "squander" is...presuming you disapprove.
This is the Swift cavalcade.
Do you not disapprove?
Well, I mean, she brought £1 billion worth of straightforward benefit
to the UK economy by her series of concerts,
so I think 150,000 isn't bad... No. ..as a deal.
I mean, I don't want to come over all Swiftie.
We spend millions policing football matches every weekend.
I've never heard of a Taylor Swift fan punching a police horse. Mm.
Quite often it's the other way round.
Do you know what status she was given for all of this?
Was it, like, VVIP?
It was VVIP.
This is reserved for members of the royal family except for Harry.
What has Labour MP Patrick Hurley begun a campaign for? It's Freddos.
Freddos. Freddos? It's Freddos.
They have been getting smaller and smaller.
They absolutely have. Is he saying, make Freddos big again? He is.
What are they? What are they?
As the packet illustrates, they are frogs covered in chocolate.
We had Frodos, they were Tolkien-themed.
It's all about to reduce the price rather than make them bigger.
According to the I,
the Freddo "has been used informally as a measure of inflation,"
but did you see that Donald Trump has been using
a similar economic model?
Tic Tac. Mm-hm. Oh, dear. Mm-hm.
Yes. Let's have a look at this.
This is Tic Tacs, right?
CHEERING
I don't know if I like the company, I've never met... I have no idea.
They are so lucky. Look at all the televisions.
This is the greatest commercial they ever had.
But that's what happened. This is inflation.
This is Tic Tac.
This is inflation.
Do you do your lectures like that, your maths lectures? Of course...
Of course I do. A Freddo... Big, small. Yeah.
Do you reckon his advisers said,
"You need to do more on TikTok," and he...?
APPLAUSE
This is the budget
and the probability that a manifesto promise will be broken.
Talking about the money
Rachel Reeves hopes to raise with the budget,
the Institute for Fiscal Studies said...
Not to us, eh, Carol? Ah!
At the Investment Summit, Keir Starmer appeared
at a panel event with former Google CEO Eric Schmidt.
A hard man to interview - every time you ask him a question,
he gives you 43 million possible answers.
Wes Streeting this week outlined a stark future for the NHS...
Reform or die also the choice
currently facing disillusioned Tories.
OK, Paul and Carol, you have a look at this. Yes.
Oh, this is the World Championship, Conker Championships, isn't it? Yes.
There is now the world champion, controversial.
It's all gone bonkers for the conkers.
There is a ridiculous piece of visual imagery. A red card.
So it's a big, big conker story.
It is a big conker story. It is a big...
And he had a steel conker in his pocket.
A steel conker in the pocket. And it was painted. Yeah.
I'll just show you a picture of him. Here he is. David Jakins.
Do you know what his nickname is? David "The Cheat" Jakins.
No, he's not called that. King Conker.
King Conker! Exactly right.
Some people say, they have accused him of having a steel conker,
a conker made of metal. Yeah. Roboconker.
Why would you have a steel conker in your pocket? Yeah, exactly.
Unless you were going out on a date later on.
I mean...
We should point out, though, that King Conker does deny
all of these allegations.
Oh, absolutely. Yeah. So does Baroness Mone.
APPLAUSE
Do you have any idea how The Sun put it in their headline?
I use the word "bonkers" earlier, does that crop up? It is...
What was King Conker's defence for having a metal conker?
Luck, it was for luck. He had no intention of using it,
he found it, it fell off a steel tree.
Didn't he say he wanted to show it to kids?
Yeah, he told BBC News he had it in his pocket "to amuse children,"
which of course led to a different kind of investigation.
Do you know what raised suspicions about this?
Well, the effectiveness of his conker.
Absolutely. It smashed the other competitors' conkers to smithereens.
One opponent told the Mail that King Conker had...
Adding...
I was... I just... I don't want to brag. Don't brag. No. But 1969...
That's not a brag. No. 1969, two great things happened -
man landed on the moon, first time,
and I became the junior conker champion in Rhyl.
Oh, wow.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What's your conker tips, Carol?
Conker tips, two minutes in the oven, low heat.
Isn't human urine meant to be quite good?
For what? For making...
For making...
As an aperitif. Yeah.
There is some advice for finding a good conker -
using a farmyard animal. Anyone want to guess what that is? A pig?
It is a pig. Do you know what you do with it? Like a truffling pig? Yeah.
Mm-hm. In The Guardian...
..a conker champion said...
Was that on a long piece of string?
Otherwise he's going to chew it up.
Well, it depends which end you start with, doesn't it?
I stand corrected!
Yeah, indeed.
You should see how the pig stands.
Who's now looking into all of these allegations? Do you know?
Is it the United Nations?
Just one tiny step down. It's gone to the highest echelons of sport -
the World Conker Championships Organising Committee. Ah. Oh, right.
Is there a bit of video of him sort of secreting a conker
about his person?
There absolutely is a video. Would you like to see it?
Yeah. Oh, yes.
This is the phone footage the committee had been examining.
Mr Jakins, in the green, appears to put one conker in his pocket,
then takes out another from a different pocket
and throws it into the crowd.
Could the one still in his pocket be made of steel?
GASPS
That piece of shit.
Absolutely. But, yeah, the footage has now been passed
to the World Conkers Organisation. Do you know why they haven't yet
made a ruling on the cheating? The alleged...
Cos Russia and China don't agree.
Here is committee member St John Burkett
to explain the delay on Sky News.
And when do you think you might have the conclusion?
Well, hopefully within the next 24 hours or so,
when we've got a response from people,
because of course some people have gone off to work for the day,
so it's going to take a bit of time.
I love his hat!
What, dressed like that?!
Guys, do you know what other great sporting event
took place this week?
No, we don't know.
It's obviously the North American Wife Carrying Championships
that took place in Maine. Honestly, I'm shocked that neither of you
got this. Let's have a little look.
And here comes team number two.
He was practising. He's got this technique down for the hurdle.
Never mind. Apparently it was way different
when you put a wife on your back.
Maybe a country can have too much money.
Would you like to guess what the winner gets?
Erm...
A divorce?
It's actually their wife's weight in beer.
Oh. Here's how they work it out.
Guys, when your wife says that she wants you to get a six-pack,
that is not what she meant.
This is the cheating scandal that is threatening to destroy
the good reputation of the World Conker Championships.
The women's competition was won by an American.
..which coincidentally is the closest Joe Biden has come
to saying "Kemi Badenoch".
Here is another one of the competitors
at this year's World Conker Championships -
and he'll be back on the news on January 6th,
storming The Capitol if Trump loses again.
And so to round two, the Venn Diagram of News. Oh! Hey, excellent!
OK, fingers on buzzers, teams. Here is your first one.
BUZZER
We know this, don't we? You do, I don't! Yeah.
Well, it wasn't the space shuttle but it was a starship.
Elon Musk's SpaceX rocket programme.
Did you cry when it came back in?
So, the heavy rocket booster came...
..came up, and you're watching on the screen,
like, the starship itself going off and accelerating, like,
to 17,000 miles an hour... Yes.
..and at the same time... Yes.
..you're watching the heavy booster come back down to earth. No!
And it's got these mechanical arms. Oh, this is too much.
They are called chopsticks and they go like that! Chopsticks?
Whoof!
And there it is, back where it took off.
So it was a total waste of time, then?
It was actually quite remarkable. Have a look at this.
Oh! Amazing! APPLAUSE
Amazing.
On the subject of things falling perfectly in place,
would you like to see video of a very lucky woman in India? Yes. Oh.
I should just tell you that everyone was fine, OK? OK.
ALL GASP
What?!
Is she actually inside that? Yeah.
That's a lot more impressive than Elon Musk!
Has the man come out and said, "I think it's come from up there"?
What was the point of the Musk thing?
It's basically a big recycling project, essentially.
So they can re-use these rocket boosters,
not just have them fall into the sea,
which hopefully will make up for the...
..that they have to burn to get up there in the first place.
Yeah. I used to have a car like that.
I wish Elon Musk would invent a rocket
that could get his head out of Donald Trump's ass.
I think he should be working on that next.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
In other news, what has a robot in Germany been up to this week?
Oh. Conduct...
BUZZER Yes.
Conducting an orchestra. Goddamn it!
Yes, it absolutely has. This is a robot conductor with three arms
that made its debut at the Dresden Sinfoniker Orchestra.
Here it is.
Yes. It might be more impressive if the musicians
were actually looking at it.
That's how the robots are going to take over.
They're going to bore us all to death.
Well, the artistic director of Dresden Sinfoniker,
Markus Rindt, he said that the intention was...
What, not to mention human listeners? Mm.
I had no idea music was being held back by our shitty human conductors
and their shitty arms.
You mean the music could have been faster this whole time?
The faster the music is the better, I find. Yeah.
I can't wait for a million notes a second.
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
BUZZER
Yes, at a recent rally,
Trump, instead of talking,
he danced and played music for about 40 minutes straight,
and people were not disappointed, actually.
Let's have a little look.
Nothing Compares 2 U by Sinead O'Connor
There are times when you think
artificial intelligence might be better. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
November Rain by Guns N' Roses
He dances like a Conservative member of Parliament, I would say.
Do spare a thought for the poor guy standing behind him.
He's gone grey during this performance.
Also, he said on Wednesday, I think it was,
in front of a room full of women, audience of women,
he said, "I am the father of IVF."
What?!
Which, nobody quite knows what he meant by that.
He literally said this week, political opponents... Yes!
..of his should be dealt with by the military. Yes.
And the opponents included Democrats.
That's the other party. Yes.
All opposition, come the election, should be locked up. Yes.
And everybody goes, "Ha! Oh, Donald!
"You're so funny."
He told his supporters the other day that they should all come out
and vote on January the 5th. Yeah.
Which would be a good idea
cos that's two months after the actual date.
This week Donald Trump also gave an explanation
for his rambling style of speaking.
Have a look at this.
You know, I do a thing called the weave.
And there are those, that are fair, that say,
"This guy is so genius."
And then others would say, "Oh, he rambles." I don't ramble.
You weave? I saw the story.
What you do is you weave things in. You do it!
PHIL GROANS
Wow, a weave.
I thought that was what he was wearing on top of his head.
Sometimes when Trump goes on a weave,
I think he gives away a little bit too much information.
Have a look at this.
I did three of them today.
I did a little one - a little tiny one with a small group -
but then I did a really big one.
I did a big one.
And I did this one.
And I'm still raring to go.
Look at the faces of the people standing behind him.
They're in some sort of coma.
Despite all of this,
Trump does appear to be making gains in the polls.
What controversy has Kamala Harris found herself in this week?
Oh, it's about a speech of hers
contained material from Martin Luther King. Mm.
It was about a toddler saying, "What would you like most?"
And says, "Freedom." And it was the same anecdote.
Exactly right. She's been accused of plagiarising. Oh, dear.
She remembered an incident... Mm.
..which other people have remembered... Mm.
..before.
Is that her version of "I have a dream"? Yeah.
"I remembered an incident." Doesn't quite...
Doesn't quite have the same ring to it, does it?
In other international news,
what is the US government's latest declaration
regarding the conflict in the Middle East?
It's finally said, "Can you stop doing this?" to Israel. Mm-hm.
And it's been saying it half-heartedly for about a year.
Yeah. And saying, "You've got to stop that now,
"or we'll do absolutely nothing." Mm.
And this time, they've said, "We're going to stop arms coming in
"unless you allow aid into Gaza,"
and amazingly, that night, 100 trucks rolled... Mm.
..straight into northern Gaza.
So the Americans could do something, but they haven't.
Now, OK, there's obviously been a lot of activity going on
at the UN surrounding the Middle East crisis. Yes.
But did you see the president of Haiti
making a speech there recently? No.
Here it is. OK.
Respect.
LAUGHTER
Maybe he's very small. We don't know.
This is the news that with just a few weeks to go
till the US election,
Donald Trump has turned to dance to get his message across,
presumably thanks to his new campaign manager,
Giovanni from Strictly.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
OK, fingers on buzzers, teams.
BUZZER
Ah, yes, the press have concocted a scandalous idea
that a German man should not be managing the English football team,
although nobody made a fuss when a Dutch woman managed
the women's European team that won.
So Thomas Tuchel has been made manager of the England football team
and some people are very angry about it because he's German.
But those same people don't seem to have any problem
with the ancestry of our royal family, do they?
I mean, quite. Yes.
You're right. The reaction to this hasn't exactly been warm.
When you say some people, who do you mean? I mean...
Obviously, us football fans are pretty committed, but...
I mean, Phil and I have talked about very little else.
The only story I saw about this was,
Nigel Farage said it was a disgrace. Mm.
So I knew where I stood.
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
Nigel Farage's wife is German. His wife is German.
Coming over here, stealing our...
..Reform leaders!
Specifically, Sam Wallace at the Telegraph,
he's got very strong views. Here is an article that he wrote
before Tuchel's appointment.
And then, when Tuchel was appointed three days later,
he wrote this...
How have the Germans reacted? Anyone know?
They're sort of... pleased? Laughed?
Well, German newspaper Bild said... Yes?
LAUGHTER
The FA have said the that appointment of Thomas Tuchel
as England manager sent out...
Yeah, that Pep Guardiola wasn't interested. Yeah.
But of course, for many England fans,
look, harping on about the Second World War is old hat.
Yes. As this tweet here proved.
I don't want to be a pedant but it would be grandmother, wouldn't it?
It would be grandmother, yes, absolutely.
And Churchill didn't actually bomb anybody. No.
He was at home at 10 Downing Street, where he needed to be.
He wasn't flying Lancasters across Germany. No.
That would have been a strategic error.
Some other German news this week.
German news, yeah, great, German news, yeah.
Do you know what upset operagoers in Stuttgart?
It's a crazy opera. Mm-hm.
It's a very controversial opera. It is.
It's sexy and it's weird. Oh, it is!
People watching Sancta, this is at the Stuttgart Opera House,
and they were treated to a performance including...
LAUGHTER
Were the roller skates necessary?
Would you like to see what this looked like?
I...I think we have to!
Yeah. I believe we do, too.
Why has that woman got a barcode on her upper thigh?
What is "unsimulated" sexual intercourse?
They want to promise you, this is real. This is real?
Eight shows a week?
APPLAUSE
I'd go on the Monday matinee, if I were you!
Do you know what qualities the show's choreographer
was looking for in a dancer?
Stamina.
Choreographer Florentina Holzinger told the Guardian...
Oh!
That would ruin the snooker.
This is the news that the England men's football team
now has a German manager.
The new manager of England has described himself,
amongst other things, as...
Well, that's good. When was the last time a German vegetarian
caused us any problems?
OK, time now for the Odd One Out round.
Paul and Carol, your four are... Yes?
A Qantas flight from Sydney to Tokyo,
Malcolm Kenyatta,
the number plate TO25 POT,
and Judi Dench's parrot.
BUZZER
The number plate TO25 POT
could be regarded as "toss pot". Mm-hm.
I would guess that Judi Dench's parrot probably swears.
And on the flight,
the Sydney to Tokyo flight,
this was where they accidentally showed a rude movie.
It was A Night At The Opera, apparently.
Kenyatta, what's his first name? He's called Malcolm.
He was on Question Time. Mm. Was he?
And he got some English slang wrong.
They've all been rude apart from him.
Ian is basically right here.
So it's that they have all been unexpectedly rude... Yes.
..apart from Democrat Malcolm Kenyatta,
who tried to be rude and failed.
Oh, right.
So he was appearing on a US election special of Question Time,
during which an audience member said the word bollocks,
and trying to get in on the joke,
Malcolm had a go, but he didn't quite get it right.
Have a little listen to this.
And so this idea that we have not unleashed American energy
is, to use the word twice on Question Time, bullocks.
It's bollocks, not bullocks! Bollocks!
All right, OK! Whoa, whoa!
Take me to the next show!
Just made a bit of a cont of himself there, hasn't he?
SHE MOUTHS
Please continue. Yeah.
Professor!
Vowel, please, Hannah!
Yes, yes, yes.
That's right.
What does the parrot say?
The parrot... Well, anyone want to guess?
Well, the Yorick skull must indicate that the parrot
sort of misrepresents Shakespearean speeches
by putting rude words into them.
Mm. It's a bit simpler than that. Yeah.
Dame Judi revealed this week that her parrot
once turned to her carer Barbara during a home visit and said...
I was going to do a "Polly-onius" joke from Hamlet.
Thank you very much.
That's... Why are you thanking them for that stunned silence?
It was appreciation, I thought! I see, yeah.
Why has the number plate...
..been banned? Toss pot!
This is one of 250 number plates
that are deemed too rude for the road by the DVLA. Seriously?!
Yeah. If you're driving behind a car and it's got "TO25 Pot",
are you so triggered by that?
I mean, that's just nonsense, isn't it? Toss pot.
Well, I'm only making a point!
APPLAUSE
I'm sorry that I didn't do maths!
All right, how did the passengers on that Qantas flight
from Sydney to Tokyo get more than they bargained for?
They watched... They saw a dirty film.
They did. Do you know the story?
Er, there's not much of a plot, to be honest!
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
A pizza delivery man knocks at the door...
So the in-flight entertainment was broken on this plane,
so passengers had to vote for a film
to be shown on every screen on the plane,
and according to the Guardian,
the majority chose the sexually explicit, 18-rated...
..which one passenger described as...
A passenger complained online that...
Or indeed close your eyes!
But after nearly an hour, the crew stopped the film
and replaced it with a family friendly alternative,
Fisting Nemo.
And finally, how has a candle in America been causing offence?
Penis-shaped candle, presumably.
I'll be honest with you - you can keep on guessing,
you're not going to get it. OK.
It's a winter candle from Bath & Bodyworks
with a snowflake design on it that has been criticised
for looking more like several members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Well, I would have gone with aliens there, wouldn't you?
Well, yeah, but when you see Ku Klux Klan,
you can't unsee it, can you?
They have all been unexpectedly rude
apart from Pennsylvania State Representative Malcolm Kenyatta,
who tried to be rude and failed.
An obscene film was accidentally shown to every passenger
on a Qantas Airlines flight.
According to the Guardian, one traveller said...
Obviously they've never flown Ryanair from Luton to Magaluf.
The obscene film caused problems when the plane came to land
and the stewardesses asked everyone
to put their tables to an upright position...
..to which most of the male passengers said,
"I can't just now. Give me five minutes."
Ian and Phil, your four are...
The Dalai Lama, King Charles,
Filipino gold medallist Carlos Yulo,
and the city of Troy.
The Trojan Horse. It was a gift.
But that's not a wooden horse in the painting. Oh, accepting gifts.
Mm. Oh, yes. This is the big horsegate scandal in Troy...
..when King Priam was found guilty of taking a free horse.
He didn't declare the horse. He didn't declare it. Not at all.
Taking gifts gets you in trouble.
Well, not gets you in trouble. It's more...
Means you lose the war.
I think the odd one out is the man bottom left, because he was offered
a free pair of binoculars and turned them down.
They have all been given unusual gifts,
apart from King Charles, who failed to disclose
what gifts he's been given for the last four years.
Scandal! Scandal. No, absolutely.
And there are people who care about this deeply, apparently. Yeah.
There is no shortage of financial skullduggery at the Palace,
involving the Saudis and the Qataris. Yep.
And last month, it was revealed that Michael Wynne-Parker,
a charity trustee for the King's Foundation,
was embroiled in a...
Certainly not the first time.
No. What is one gift that the King won't be receiving any more?
Happy birthday card from his parents?
LAUGHTER AND GROANS
Unless you know different.
Happy birthday card from one of his children.
Oh, you didn't groan at that!
Well, apparently it's a tradition
that, whenever the monarch visits Jersey,
they usually present him with...
On a recent trip,
Charles and Camilla were given duck eggs instead.
Well, future dead ducks.
In other royal news, who can't wait to get rid of the royals?
Australia. Australia, exactly. Yeah.
There's an anti-monarchy campaign group,
the Australian Republic Movement,
who plan on protesting against the state visit of the King and Queen
this week with banners, posters and T-shirts
that depict the royals as ageing rockers. Here they are.
They look younger than The Rolling Stones!
What surprising gift did Troy receive?
A wooden horse, obviously. Mmm. It was a wooden horse,
stuffed full, of course, of the Greeks' best warriors.
Yeah. Among the soldiers that were smuggled into Troy,
inside the horse, were...
..which is the name of Jacob Rees-Mogg's children.
Do you know what Joanna Lumley gave the Dalai Lama?
A night to remember.
It was actually a drone.
Dame Joanna Lumley recently gave a drone to the Dalai Lama.
A drone being quite appropriate,
because she doesn't half bang on about the Gurkhas.
OK, gymnast Carlos Yulo became the first male Filipino
to win an Olympic gold medal at the Paris Olympics.
How did the government reward him?
They gave him a house?
They did. Yeah. And...
Is that a lot? I think it is.
There were businesses across the Philippines
who gave him a hero's welcome by gifting him all sorts of stuff.
Here's the list. We've got...
..which is £13,000 in free furniture.
You can calculate the rest from there. Yeah. It's a quite a lot.
Ooh.
..which, let's be honest, after all of that, is going to come in handy.
Well, they have all been given unusual gifts
apart from King Charles, who has failed to disclose what gifts
he's been given for the last four years.
Anti-monarchist groups are furious, with one arguing that...
Like Australia, for example.
Joanna Lumley revealed that the Dalai Lama
is fascinated by machinery and is always taking radios apart.
I mean, me too. Especially when Vernon Kay is on.
I don't know who he is. Yeah.
What does he present?
Oh, he's got a Radio 2 show, called Vernon Kay.
Oh, right.
They hunted far and wide to find somebody
that would fit the title of the programme.
They found a woman called Kay Vernon.
It was close but no cigar.
Time now for the Missing Words round,
which this week features, as its guest publication,
The Ringing World, the weekly magazine for church bell ringers.
And we start with...
With a wife.
No, this is...
- Oh. - What?!
AUDIENCE GROANS
Here he is.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Next...
Joseph Goebbels.
Skating nun.
Yeah, you weren't expecting that in a topical news quiz!
Is it Eamonn Holmes?
Roller-skating nun!
It is...
The Cookie Monster was spotted speeding in Dortmund, Germany.
Here he is.
LAUGHTER
That's the CCTV shot, there, from a camera,
presumably on Sesame Strasse.
Next...
Having enough cocaine to go around!
Surviving the winter?
One motion to extend the length of term for stewards
from six to nine years passed with a clear majority.
Or, to use the technical term,
it got a ringing endorsement.
GROANS Excellent. Next...
Breaks the terms of Toby Carvery's all-you-can-eat policy.
It's...
Have we got a picture of it?
We absolutely do. Here it is.
Blimey. You can just about see his eye poking out there. Yes.
Next...
Quasimodo tribute bands.
It's actually...
That's a hard sentence to say, isn't it? It is.
It certainly was. I'm surprised we didn't get that.
Yeah, I've been friendly with Big Wilf for a long time.
I've heard.
This is an advert from The Ringing World.
According to Big Wilf's adverts, they are...
The wreath-laying at the Cenotaph this year
will again be a solemn occasion, as we are reminded that, yes,
Liz Truss was once Prime Minister.
Lastly...
Charles.
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
It's...
Applying make-up in public is also frowned upon -
according to one etiquette expert...
Until you get caught and end up on a desert island on Channel 5.
I notice you chose the ITV presenter,
rather than the BBC one. Mm.
Yes!
Plethora of people to choose from altogether, isn't there? There are.
We could have gone any number of ways. Yeah.
Huw knows? Mm.
Have I Got Huws For You?
So, the final scores are,
Ian and Phil have five,
and Paul and Carol have five!
APPLAUSE
Thank you, Phil.
We survived! Yes.
But before we go, there is just time for the Caption Competition.
Tory members debate the way forward.
"I suspect we have a member of the white-moustache club
"who should not be a member."
In the run up to their comeback tour, Ozempic
has surprise effect for the Sugababes.
On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
Ian Hislop and Phil Wang, Paul Merton and Carol Vorderman.
And I leave you with the news that on a delayed flight to Rome,
there is polite applause for one passenger's rendition
of Britney Spears's Oops!... I Did It Again.
As he scans the arrivals at a G8 summit in Washington,
Joe Biden mutters, "I hope that really boring guy from the UK
"isn't going to be here."
And in Devon, one farmer reveals his unusual method
for coring a pumpkin.
LAUGHTER AND GROANS
Goodnight!
APPLAUSE