1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,280 Hello, I'm Phil Wang. 2 00:00:03,280 --> 00:00:04,960 It's good to be back - last time I was here, I hosted, 3 00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:06,480 so I guess that went well. 4 00:00:06,480 --> 00:00:07,520 Um... 5 00:00:10,480 --> 00:00:13,520 This programme contains some strong language and adult humour 6 00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:36,760 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 7 00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:48,640 Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You, 8 00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:51,640 I'm Professor Hannah Fry. In the news this week, 9 00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:54,200 as he plumbs the depths of reality TV, 10 00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:57,760 Matt Hancock's triumph on Celebrity Does My Head Fit In There? 11 00:00:57,760 --> 00:00:59,440 proves to be a hollow victory. 12 00:01:09,240 --> 00:01:11,640 As the daily regime of exercise begins, 13 00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:14,680 there are complaints of cruelty at Battersea Dogs Home. 14 00:01:19,760 --> 00:01:22,480 And as Taylor Swift announces new dates at Wembley, 15 00:01:22,480 --> 00:01:24,600 there's already high demand for tickets. 16 00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:33,840 APPLAUSE 17 00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:39,160 On Ian's team tonight is a comedian and, amazingly, 18 00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:42,160 another mathematician. Really? 19 00:01:42,160 --> 00:01:44,600 Oh, he doesn't half look like one! 20 00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:46,800 Please welcome Phil Wang! 21 00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:50,240 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 22 00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:55,080 On Paul's team tonight is a presenter whose TV career 23 00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:57,320 began with the phrase, "I'll take one from the top, 24 00:01:57,320 --> 00:01:59,360 "two from the middle and two from the bottom." 25 00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:01,840 It's like Keir Starmer picking out free shoes. 26 00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:04,120 Please welcome Carol Vorderman. 27 00:02:04,120 --> 00:02:06,520 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 28 00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:11,680 OK, we are going to begin with the bigger news stories of this week. 29 00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:14,080 Ian and Phil, have a little look at this. 30 00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:17,800 Right, that's frozen cabinet, a few pensioners in there. 31 00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:21,360 Live footage from the Treasury. 32 00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:22,680 Yeah, there's nothing left. 33 00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:25,600 Ooh, it's a machine. It's Labour's new Chief of Staff. 34 00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:31,680 This is the budget. It is the budget. 35 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:33,480 We're still waiting for it. 36 00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:35,640 Yes, we are. Right, there we go. Next. 37 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:39,520 Oh, you want some speculation? Go on. 38 00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:42,040 Well, I reckon there's going to be a tax increase. 39 00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:44,520 They have got this quite big black hole to fill. 40 00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:46,760 A black hole that's got bigger. Do you know how big it is now? 41 00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:49,760 It's now £40 billion. It is. It was £22 billion. 42 00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:52,000 Absolutely. Which is a percentage rise of... 43 00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:53,520 Well, almost double. 44 00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:58,880 Wow. She's still got it! 45 00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:00,400 You're absolutely right, though. 46 00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:02,600 But the government have leaked a lot of scare stories 47 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:04,880 about how they're going to raise another £22 billion. 48 00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:08,000 What is the latest tax rise that they have refused to rule out? 49 00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:11,080 The employers' national insurance rise. Yes. 50 00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:12,800 And they have said, 51 00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:14,400 "Look, it looks in the manifesto 52 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:16,960 "as though we said we won't raise national insurance 53 00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:19,000 "but it turns out we said we won't increase 54 00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:24,600 "EMPLOYEES' national insurance but we will increase EMPLOYERS'." 55 00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:28,760 Mm. So the difference of a single letter means they weren't lying. 56 00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:30,840 But you say the difference of one letter. 57 00:03:30,840 --> 00:03:33,600 You know, that's the difference between "uniformed police officers" 58 00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:35,080 and "uninformed police officers". 59 00:03:36,880 --> 00:03:38,240 One letter. 60 00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:40,280 OK, what were the government pinning their hopes on 61 00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:42,200 to inject more money into the economy this week? 62 00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:45,400 They found a new way of defining what debt is. Mm-hm. 63 00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:47,440 And it's brilliant because it actually means 64 00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:49,560 that you don't owe what you think. 65 00:03:49,560 --> 00:03:51,600 Not the answer I wanted. A different answer. 66 00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:52,640 Not the non-doms? 67 00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:55,680 Not the non-doms. The private investment summit. 68 00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:56,920 Oh, yes. 69 00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:59,520 I want the answer I've got down on the card, OK? 70 00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:01,520 OK, professor. Thank you. 71 00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:06,240 You'd think you might get a little latitude around the answer. Oh, no. 72 00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:08,680 No, no, no. You're thinking of geography there! 73 00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:12,800 That's a different subject altogether. 74 00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:15,720 So, Labour hosted a big investment summit at the Guildhall 75 00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:18,680 in London this week. Yes, and they got lots of investors in, 76 00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:20,120 including P&O. 77 00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:24,040 They did. They did. Which is a bit embarrassing. Why so? 78 00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:26,080 Well, because when they were in opposition, 79 00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:28,960 they said P&O are a disgrace and they sack hundreds of workers 80 00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:32,560 and then rehire people on agency fees and they are abominable. 81 00:04:32,560 --> 00:04:35,720 But now they are in government, they've said, "Hello!" 82 00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:38,560 I think Keir wants a free cruise! 83 00:04:38,560 --> 00:04:40,280 "Let's go to the Bahamas, baby!" 84 00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:44,400 To be specific, this was Transport Secretary Louise Haigh, 85 00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:47,880 who described P&O Ferries as "a cowboy operator" 86 00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:49,720 and a "rogue outfit". 87 00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:52,120 Yeah, because they've got a terrible employment record. Mm. 88 00:04:52,120 --> 00:04:56,320 In 2022, they sacked 800 workers by text message and video link 89 00:04:56,320 --> 00:05:00,000 and then immediately rehired cheaper replacements from abroad. 90 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:02,240 So, Phil, take over. Go on. 91 00:05:04,280 --> 00:05:08,080 APPLAUSE 92 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:12,240 Do you know what the government did 93 00:05:12,240 --> 00:05:13,520 to try and woo the investors at this...? 94 00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:16,560 Free biscuits? Michelin star meal? 95 00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:18,160 I mean, you're close, they did try and woo them 96 00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:20,520 with some quite delicious delicacies. 97 00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:23,680 "They served amazing English food," apparently. 98 00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:26,520 Was it Greggs? 99 00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:30,840 Still on Labour, Ian... Yeah, but they did have Elton John. 100 00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:33,120 They did have Elton John. He sang Candle In The Wind 101 00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:34,960 about Liz Truss, it was very moving. 102 00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:40,160 APPLAUSE 103 00:05:44,320 --> 00:05:47,640 What is Health Secretary Wes Streeting's radical plan 104 00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:50,920 to save the NHS? He is going to give people Ozempic jabs, 105 00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:54,440 or weight loss drugs, to get them back to work. Yeah. 106 00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:57,640 So, you know, Wes Streeting is trying to fight inflation, too. 107 00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:02,000 The theory is, everyone is overweight in the entire country, 108 00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:05,440 so you give everyone this jab, they become slim, they go to work - 109 00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:07,040 growth, productivity, 110 00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:10,560 we become the richest nation on earth, and thin. Mm. 111 00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:11,920 What could go wrong? 112 00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:15,160 You know they are advertising Ozempic 113 00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:16,920 in the States now quite heavily? 114 00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:20,600 Do you know what classic British pop song they are using to advertise it? 115 00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:24,160 Ooh... I'm Too Sexy For Myself? 116 00:06:24,160 --> 00:06:25,920 Is it? No. OK, give us a clue. 117 00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:29,080 All right, I tell you what, I'll play you the clip. OK, yeah. 118 00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:31,800 Looking to get back in your type II diabetes zone? 119 00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:33,560 Once weekly Ozempic can help. 120 00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:39,000 BELL RINGS 121 00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:44,320 Did that ad say, "Are you trying to get back into type II diabetes?" 122 00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:47,280 Is that the state of the health of Americans? 123 00:06:47,280 --> 00:06:49,280 They are trying to get back to diabetes? 124 00:06:49,280 --> 00:06:52,160 Yeah, that's an improvement! 125 00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:54,280 Anyone here taken Ozempic? 126 00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:55,760 What are you trying to say? 127 00:06:56,960 --> 00:07:01,240 Do you think this isn't just exercise and healthy eating? 128 00:07:01,240 --> 00:07:03,840 Yeah, the only problem is that, as soon as you come off the Ozempic, 129 00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:07,520 all of the weight just immediately goes back on again, so nice plan... 130 00:07:07,520 --> 00:07:12,000 Well, flu jab for winter, Ozempic for summer. 131 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:16,840 How did the government contrive to squander £150,000 132 00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:18,560 in taxpayers' money in August this year? 133 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:22,320 Well, I think "squander" is...presuming you disapprove. 134 00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:23,880 This is the Swift cavalcade. 135 00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:25,360 Do you not disapprove? 136 00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:29,800 Well, I mean, she brought £1 billion worth of straightforward benefit 137 00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:32,480 to the UK economy by her series of concerts, 138 00:07:32,480 --> 00:07:37,200 so I think 150,000 isn't bad... No. ..as a deal. 139 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:41,360 I mean, I don't want to come over all Swiftie. 140 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:44,960 We spend millions policing football matches every weekend. 141 00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:49,760 I've never heard of a Taylor Swift fan punching a police horse. Mm. 142 00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:52,120 Quite often it's the other way round. 143 00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:57,720 Do you know what status she was given for all of this? 144 00:07:57,720 --> 00:07:59,120 Was it, like, VVIP? 145 00:07:59,120 --> 00:08:00,800 It was VVIP. 146 00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:04,960 This is reserved for members of the royal family except for Harry. 147 00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:12,040 What has Labour MP Patrick Hurley begun a campaign for? It's Freddos. 148 00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:14,280 Freddos. Freddos? It's Freddos. 149 00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:15,680 They have been getting smaller and smaller. 150 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:20,840 They absolutely have. Is he saying, make Freddos big again? He is. 151 00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:23,040 What are they? What are they? 152 00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:28,680 As the packet illustrates, they are frogs covered in chocolate. 153 00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:31,120 We had Frodos, they were Tolkien-themed. 154 00:08:34,360 --> 00:08:37,520 It's all about to reduce the price rather than make them bigger. 155 00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:38,760 According to the I, 156 00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:42,640 the Freddo "has been used informally as a measure of inflation," 157 00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:45,360 but did you see that Donald Trump has been using 158 00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:46,920 a similar economic model? 159 00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:48,880 Tic Tac. Mm-hm. Oh, dear. Mm-hm. 160 00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:50,080 Yes. Let's have a look at this. 161 00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:52,280 This is Tic Tacs, right? 162 00:08:52,280 --> 00:08:54,720 CHEERING 163 00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:57,360 I don't know if I like the company, I've never met... I have no idea. 164 00:08:57,360 --> 00:09:00,160 They are so lucky. Look at all the televisions. 165 00:09:00,160 --> 00:09:02,520 This is the greatest commercial they ever had. 166 00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:06,960 But that's what happened. This is inflation. 167 00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:08,640 This is Tic Tac. 168 00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:11,240 This is Tic Tac. This is inflation. 169 00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:19,120 Do you do your lectures like that, your maths lectures? Of course... 170 00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:22,120 Of course I do. A Freddo... Big, small. Yeah. 171 00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:25,040 Do you reckon his advisers said, 172 00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:27,080 "You need to do more on TikTok," and he...? 173 00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:31,360 APPLAUSE 174 00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:35,720 This is the budget 175 00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:38,600 and the probability that a manifesto promise will be broken. 176 00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:40,280 Talking about the money 177 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:42,320 Rachel Reeves hopes to raise with the budget, 178 00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:44,600 the Institute for Fiscal Studies said... 179 00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:50,760 Not to us, eh, Carol? Ah! 180 00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:53,680 At the Investment Summit, Keir Starmer appeared 181 00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:57,720 at a panel event with former Google CEO Eric Schmidt. 182 00:09:57,720 --> 00:10:00,400 A hard man to interview - every time you ask him a question, 183 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:03,880 he gives you 43 million possible answers. 184 00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:07,880 Wes Streeting this week outlined a stark future for the NHS... 185 00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:11,200 Reform or die also the choice 186 00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:13,600 currently facing disillusioned Tories. 187 00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:17,480 OK, Paul and Carol, you have a look at this. Yes. 188 00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:21,640 Oh, this is the World Championship, Conker Championships, isn't it? Yes. 189 00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:25,120 There is now the world champion, controversial. 190 00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:27,520 It's all gone bonkers for the conkers. 191 00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:30,240 There is a ridiculous piece of visual imagery. A red card. 192 00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:32,480 So it's a big, big conker story. 193 00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:34,920 It is a big conker story. It is a big... 194 00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:37,640 And he had a steel conker in his pocket. 195 00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:40,200 A steel conker in the pocket. And it was painted. Yeah. 196 00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:42,760 I'll just show you a picture of him. Here he is. David Jakins. 197 00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:45,920 Do you know what his nickname is? David "The Cheat" Jakins. 198 00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:47,920 No, he's not called that. King Conker. 199 00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:50,840 King Conker! Exactly right. 200 00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:54,680 Some people say, they have accused him of having a steel conker, 201 00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:57,280 a conker made of metal. Yeah. Roboconker. 202 00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:01,440 Why would you have a steel conker in your pocket? Yeah, exactly. 203 00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:03,640 Unless you were going out on a date later on. 204 00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:05,160 I mean... 205 00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:07,600 We should point out, though, that King Conker does deny 206 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:08,840 all of these allegations. 207 00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:11,960 Oh, absolutely. Yeah. So does Baroness Mone. 208 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:17,560 APPLAUSE 209 00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:20,800 Do you have any idea how The Sun put it in their headline? 210 00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:23,640 I use the word "bonkers" earlier, does that crop up? It is... 211 00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:30,960 What was King Conker's defence for having a metal conker? 212 00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:33,640 Luck, it was for luck. He had no intention of using it, 213 00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:35,960 he found it, it fell off a steel tree. 214 00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:40,240 Didn't he say he wanted to show it to kids? 215 00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:43,840 Yeah, he told BBC News he had it in his pocket "to amuse children," 216 00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:48,640 which of course led to a different kind of investigation. 217 00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:51,360 Do you know what raised suspicions about this? 218 00:11:51,360 --> 00:11:53,400 Well, the effectiveness of his conker. 219 00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:56,560 Absolutely. It smashed the other competitors' conkers to smithereens. 220 00:11:56,560 --> 00:11:59,400 One opponent told the Mail that King Conker had... 221 00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:06,200 Adding... 222 00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:12,040 I was... I just... I don't want to brag. Don't brag. No. But 1969... 223 00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:16,480 That's not a brag. No. 1969, two great things happened - 224 00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:18,800 man landed on the moon, first time, 225 00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:22,880 and I became the junior conker champion in Rhyl. 226 00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:24,240 Oh, wow. 227 00:12:24,240 --> 00:12:28,720 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 228 00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:30,480 What's your conker tips, Carol? 229 00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:34,240 Conker tips, two minutes in the oven, low heat. 230 00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:36,440 Isn't human urine meant to be quite good? 231 00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:37,720 For what? For making... 232 00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:40,320 For making... 233 00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:42,080 As an aperitif. Yeah. 234 00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:45,480 There is some advice for finding a good conker - 235 00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:49,520 using a farmyard animal. Anyone want to guess what that is? A pig? 236 00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:52,240 It is a pig. Do you know what you do with it? Like a truffling pig? Yeah. 237 00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:53,880 Mm-hm. In The Guardian... 238 00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:57,000 ..a conker champion said... 239 00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:03,520 Was that on a long piece of string? 240 00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:09,760 Otherwise he's going to chew it up. 241 00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:12,480 Well, it depends which end you start with, doesn't it? 242 00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:20,560 I stand corrected! 243 00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:22,520 Yeah, indeed. 244 00:13:22,520 --> 00:13:24,240 You should see how the pig stands. 245 00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:32,800 Who's now looking into all of these allegations? Do you know? 246 00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:34,280 Is it the United Nations? 247 00:13:35,920 --> 00:13:39,560 Just one tiny step down. It's gone to the highest echelons of sport - 248 00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:42,160 the World Conker Championships Organising Committee. Ah. Oh, right. 249 00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:45,040 Is there a bit of video of him sort of secreting a conker 250 00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:46,360 about his person? 251 00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:48,200 There absolutely is a video. Would you like to see it? 252 00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:50,320 Yeah. Oh, yes. 253 00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:53,320 This is the phone footage the committee had been examining. 254 00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:57,080 Mr Jakins, in the green, appears to put one conker in his pocket, 255 00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:59,520 then takes out another from a different pocket 256 00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:01,360 and throws it into the crowd. 257 00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:04,320 Could the one still in his pocket be made of steel? 258 00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:05,600 GASPS 259 00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:07,200 That piece of shit. 260 00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:09,720 Absolutely. But, yeah, the footage has now been passed 261 00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:13,320 to the World Conkers Organisation. Do you know why they haven't yet 262 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:15,920 made a ruling on the cheating? The alleged... 263 00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:19,040 Cos Russia and China don't agree. 264 00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:21,680 Here is committee member St John Burkett 265 00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:24,600 to explain the delay on Sky News. 266 00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:27,120 And when do you think you might have the conclusion? 267 00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:30,200 Well, hopefully within the next 24 hours or so, 268 00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:32,600 when we've got a response from people, 269 00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:35,200 because of course some people have gone off to work for the day, 270 00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:36,960 so it's going to take a bit of time. 271 00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:40,160 I love his hat! 272 00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:42,040 What, dressed like that?! 273 00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:46,560 Guys, do you know what other great sporting event 274 00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:48,480 took place this week? 275 00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:51,120 No, we don't know. 276 00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:53,800 It's obviously the North American Wife Carrying Championships 277 00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:56,960 that took place in Maine. Honestly, I'm shocked that neither of you 278 00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:58,680 got this. Let's have a little look. 279 00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:01,560 And here comes team number two. 280 00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:15,160 He was practising. He's got this technique down for the hurdle. 281 00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:17,720 Never mind. Apparently it was way different 282 00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:20,480 when you put a wife on your back. 283 00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:23,200 Maybe a country can have too much money. 284 00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:28,160 Would you like to guess what the winner gets? 285 00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:30,000 Erm... 286 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,600 A divorce? 287 00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:35,440 It's actually their wife's weight in beer. 288 00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:37,760 Oh. Here's how they work it out. 289 00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:41,360 Guys, when your wife says that she wants you to get a six-pack, 290 00:15:41,360 --> 00:15:44,080 that is not what she meant. 291 00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:47,000 This is the cheating scandal that is threatening to destroy 292 00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:49,800 the good reputation of the World Conker Championships. 293 00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:53,080 The women's competition was won by an American. 294 00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:57,280 ..which coincidentally is the closest Joe Biden has come 295 00:15:57,280 --> 00:15:59,160 to saying "Kemi Badenoch". 296 00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:03,200 Here is another one of the competitors 297 00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:05,360 at this year's World Conker Championships - 298 00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:07,520 and he'll be back on the news on January 6th, 299 00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:10,160 storming The Capitol if Trump loses again. 300 00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:17,040 And so to round two, the Venn Diagram of News. Oh! Hey, excellent! 301 00:16:17,040 --> 00:16:19,640 OK, fingers on buzzers, teams. Here is your first one. 302 00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:24,680 BUZZER 303 00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:27,520 We know this, don't we? You do, I don't! Yeah. 304 00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:31,200 Well, it wasn't the space shuttle but it was a starship. 305 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:33,880 Elon Musk's SpaceX rocket programme. 306 00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:36,240 Did you cry when it came back in? 307 00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:39,120 So, the heavy rocket booster came... 308 00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:41,880 ..came up, and you're watching on the screen, 309 00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:45,800 like, the starship itself going off and accelerating, like, 310 00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:48,280 to 17,000 miles an hour... Yes. 311 00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:50,480 ..and at the same time... Yes. 312 00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:53,400 ..you're watching the heavy booster come back down to earth. No! 313 00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:55,480 And it's got these mechanical arms. Oh, this is too much. 314 00:16:55,480 --> 00:16:58,040 They are called chopsticks and they go like that! Chopsticks? 315 00:16:58,040 --> 00:16:59,800 Whoof! 316 00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:02,360 And there it is, back where it took off. 317 00:17:02,360 --> 00:17:04,280 So it was a total waste of time, then? 318 00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:09,640 It was actually quite remarkable. Have a look at this. 319 00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:24,280 Oh! Amazing! APPLAUSE 320 00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:26,160 Amazing. 321 00:17:28,360 --> 00:17:30,880 On the subject of things falling perfectly in place, 322 00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:34,160 would you like to see video of a very lucky woman in India? Yes. Oh. 323 00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:36,840 I should just tell you that everyone was fine, OK? OK. 324 00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:42,080 ALL GASP 325 00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:44,920 ALL GASP 326 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:49,720 What?! 327 00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:56,800 Is she actually inside that? Yeah. 328 00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:59,040 That's a lot more impressive than Elon Musk! 329 00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:05,200 Has the man come out and said, "I think it's come from up there"? 330 00:18:10,160 --> 00:18:12,320 What was the point of the Musk thing? 331 00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:14,640 It's basically a big recycling project, essentially. 332 00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:16,400 So they can re-use these rocket boosters, 333 00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:18,320 not just have them fall into the sea, 334 00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:20,360 which hopefully will make up for the... 335 00:18:23,360 --> 00:18:25,440 ..that they have to burn to get up there in the first place. 336 00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:27,280 Yeah. I used to have a car like that. 337 00:18:29,360 --> 00:18:31,680 I wish Elon Musk would invent a rocket 338 00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:33,960 that could get his head out of Donald Trump's ass. 339 00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:36,320 I think he should be working on that next. 340 00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:38,320 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 341 00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:43,760 In other news, what has a robot in Germany been up to this week? 342 00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:45,000 Oh. Conduct... 343 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:47,400 BUZZER Yes. 344 00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:49,760 Conducting an orchestra. Goddamn it! 345 00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:53,200 Yes, it absolutely has. This is a robot conductor with three arms 346 00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:56,160 that made its debut at the Dresden Sinfoniker Orchestra. 347 00:18:56,160 --> 00:18:57,560 Here it is. 348 00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:25,280 Yes. It might be more impressive if the musicians 349 00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:26,760 were actually looking at it. 350 00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:30,680 That's how the robots are going to take over. 351 00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:32,360 They're going to bore us all to death. 352 00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:34,800 Well, the artistic director of Dresden Sinfoniker, 353 00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:38,200 Markus Rindt, he said that the intention was... 354 00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:45,600 What, not to mention human listeners? Mm. 355 00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:50,520 I had no idea music was being held back by our shitty human conductors 356 00:19:50,520 --> 00:19:53,000 and their shitty arms. 357 00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:58,720 You mean the music could have been faster this whole time? 358 00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:01,880 The faster the music is the better, I find. Yeah. 359 00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:05,160 I can't wait for a million notes a second. 360 00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:09,600 Fingers on buzzers, teams. 361 00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:13,880 BUZZER 362 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,080 Yes, at a recent rally, 363 00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:18,600 Trump, instead of talking, 364 00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:22,040 he danced and played music for about 40 minutes straight, 365 00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:25,920 and people were not disappointed, actually. 366 00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:30,480 Let's have a little look. 367 00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:40,160 Nothing Compares 2 U by Sinead O'Connor 368 00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:41,240 There are times when you think 369 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,200 artificial intelligence might be better. Yeah. 370 00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:44,600 LAUGHTER 371 00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:47,720 November Rain by Guns N' Roses 372 00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:55,640 He dances like a Conservative member of Parliament, I would say. 373 00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:58,440 Do spare a thought for the poor guy standing behind him. 374 00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:07,240 He's gone grey during this performance. 375 00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:11,200 Also, he said on Wednesday, I think it was, 376 00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:13,640 in front of a room full of women, audience of women, 377 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:16,200 he said, "I am the father of IVF." 378 00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:17,280 What?! 379 00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:20,360 Which, nobody quite knows what he meant by that. 380 00:21:20,360 --> 00:21:22,880 He literally said this week, political opponents... Yes! 381 00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:27,160 ..of his should be dealt with by the military. Yes. 382 00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:29,200 And the opponents included Democrats. 383 00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:31,160 That's the other party. Yes. 384 00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:35,000 All opposition, come the election, should be locked up. Yes. 385 00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:37,200 And everybody goes, "Ha! Oh, Donald! 386 00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:38,840 "You're so funny." 387 00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:43,000 He told his supporters the other day that they should all come out 388 00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:46,120 and vote on January the 5th. Yeah. 389 00:21:46,120 --> 00:21:47,640 Which would be a good idea 390 00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:50,560 cos that's two months after the actual date. 391 00:21:51,840 --> 00:21:54,240 This week Donald Trump also gave an explanation 392 00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:57,400 for his rambling style of speaking. 393 00:21:57,400 --> 00:21:58,840 Have a look at this. 394 00:21:58,840 --> 00:22:00,720 You know, I do a thing called the weave. 395 00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:03,320 And there are those, that are fair, that say, 396 00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:05,920 "This guy is so genius." 397 00:22:05,920 --> 00:22:08,800 And then others would say, "Oh, he rambles." I don't ramble. 398 00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:10,400 You weave? I saw the story. 399 00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:12,440 What you do is you weave things in. You do it! 400 00:22:14,120 --> 00:22:15,160 PHIL GROANS 401 00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:16,320 Wow, a weave. 402 00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:19,880 I thought that was what he was wearing on top of his head. 403 00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:22,240 Sometimes when Trump goes on a weave, 404 00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:25,200 I think he gives away a little bit too much information. 405 00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:26,480 Have a look at this. 406 00:22:26,480 --> 00:22:28,360 I did three of them today. 407 00:22:28,360 --> 00:22:30,840 I did a little one - a little tiny one with a small group - 408 00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:32,600 but then I did a really big one. 409 00:22:32,600 --> 00:22:34,640 I did a big one. 410 00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:36,440 And I did this one. 411 00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:37,960 And I'm still raring to go. 412 00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:41,800 Look at the faces of the people standing behind him. 413 00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:44,680 They're in some sort of coma. 414 00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:45,920 Despite all of this, 415 00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:48,760 Trump does appear to be making gains in the polls. 416 00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:52,240 What controversy has Kamala Harris found herself in this week? 417 00:22:52,240 --> 00:22:53,920 Oh, it's about a speech of hers 418 00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:56,720 contained material from Martin Luther King. Mm. 419 00:22:56,720 --> 00:22:59,760 It was about a toddler saying, "What would you like most?" 420 00:22:59,760 --> 00:23:02,600 And says, "Freedom." And it was the same anecdote. 421 00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:05,600 Exactly right. She's been accused of plagiarising. Oh, dear. 422 00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:08,280 She remembered an incident... Mm. 423 00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:10,600 ..which other people have remembered... Mm. 424 00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:12,400 ..before. 425 00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:14,120 Is that her version of "I have a dream"? Yeah. 426 00:23:14,120 --> 00:23:17,280 "I remembered an incident." Doesn't quite... 427 00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:19,680 Doesn't quite have the same ring to it, does it? 428 00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:21,360 In other international news, 429 00:23:21,360 --> 00:23:23,640 what is the US government's latest declaration 430 00:23:23,640 --> 00:23:25,880 regarding the conflict in the Middle East? 431 00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:29,600 It's finally said, "Can you stop doing this?" to Israel. Mm-hm. 432 00:23:29,600 --> 00:23:33,120 And it's been saying it half-heartedly for about a year. 433 00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:35,600 Yeah. And saying, "You've got to stop that now, 434 00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:38,280 "or we'll do absolutely nothing." Mm. 435 00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:42,440 And this time, they've said, "We're going to stop arms coming in 436 00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:44,120 "unless you allow aid into Gaza," 437 00:23:44,120 --> 00:23:48,680 and amazingly, that night, 100 trucks rolled... Mm. 438 00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:50,360 ..straight into northern Gaza. 439 00:23:50,360 --> 00:23:52,640 So the Americans could do something, but they haven't. 440 00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:55,280 Now, OK, there's obviously been a lot of activity going on 441 00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:57,600 at the UN surrounding the Middle East crisis. Yes. 442 00:23:57,600 --> 00:24:00,080 But did you see the president of Haiti 443 00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:02,800 making a speech there recently? No. 444 00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:04,120 Here it is. OK. 445 00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:06,920 Respect. 446 00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:10,680 LAUGHTER 447 00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:14,480 Maybe he's very small. We don't know. 448 00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:18,760 This is the news that with just a few weeks to go 449 00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:19,920 till the US election, 450 00:24:19,920 --> 00:24:23,080 Donald Trump has turned to dance to get his message across, 451 00:24:23,080 --> 00:24:25,600 presumably thanks to his new campaign manager, 452 00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:27,120 Giovanni from Strictly. 453 00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:34,080 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 454 00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:40,720 OK, fingers on buzzers, teams. 455 00:24:44,520 --> 00:24:45,560 BUZZER 456 00:24:45,560 --> 00:24:48,960 Ah, yes, the press have concocted a scandalous idea 457 00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:52,120 that a German man should not be managing the English football team, 458 00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:54,800 although nobody made a fuss when a Dutch woman managed 459 00:24:54,800 --> 00:24:56,560 the women's European team that won. 460 00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:59,680 So Thomas Tuchel has been made manager of the England football team 461 00:24:59,680 --> 00:25:03,040 and some people are very angry about it because he's German. 462 00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:06,040 But those same people don't seem to have any problem 463 00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:08,720 with the ancestry of our royal family, do they? 464 00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:10,280 I mean, quite. Yes. 465 00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:13,520 You're right. The reaction to this hasn't exactly been warm. 466 00:25:13,520 --> 00:25:16,120 When you say some people, who do you mean? I mean... 467 00:25:16,120 --> 00:25:19,600 Obviously, us football fans are pretty committed, but... 468 00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:22,480 I mean, Phil and I have talked about very little else. 469 00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:28,880 The only story I saw about this was, 470 00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:31,760 Nigel Farage said it was a disgrace. Mm. 471 00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:33,760 So I knew where I stood. 472 00:25:33,760 --> 00:25:35,120 SCATTERED APPLAUSE 473 00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:39,680 Nigel Farage's wife is German. His wife is German. 474 00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:41,440 Coming over here, stealing our... 475 00:25:41,440 --> 00:25:43,120 ..Reform leaders! 476 00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:48,320 Specifically, Sam Wallace at the Telegraph, 477 00:25:48,320 --> 00:25:50,680 he's got very strong views. Here is an article that he wrote 478 00:25:50,680 --> 00:25:52,400 before Tuchel's appointment. 479 00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:59,400 And then, when Tuchel was appointed three days later, 480 00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:01,400 he wrote this... 481 00:26:05,240 --> 00:26:08,120 How have the Germans reacted? Anyone know? 482 00:26:08,120 --> 00:26:10,280 They're sort of... pleased? Laughed? 483 00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:12,960 Well, German newspaper Bild said... Yes? 484 00:26:16,040 --> 00:26:17,520 LAUGHTER 485 00:26:17,520 --> 00:26:19,800 The FA have said the that appointment of Thomas Tuchel 486 00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:22,080 as England manager sent out... 487 00:26:23,120 --> 00:26:26,280 Yeah, that Pep Guardiola wasn't interested. Yeah. 488 00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:28,240 But of course, for many England fans, 489 00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:31,160 look, harping on about the Second World War is old hat. 490 00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:33,000 Yes. As this tweet here proved. 491 00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:42,680 I don't want to be a pedant but it would be grandmother, wouldn't it? 492 00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:44,240 It would be grandmother, yes, absolutely. 493 00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:46,400 And Churchill didn't actually bomb anybody. No. 494 00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:48,840 He was at home at 10 Downing Street, where he needed to be. 495 00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:51,520 He wasn't flying Lancasters across Germany. No. 496 00:26:51,520 --> 00:26:53,840 That would have been a strategic error. 497 00:26:57,000 --> 00:26:58,240 Some other German news this week. 498 00:26:58,240 --> 00:27:00,080 German news, yeah, great, German news, yeah. 499 00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:02,520 Do you know what upset operagoers in Stuttgart? 500 00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:04,120 It's a crazy opera. Mm-hm. 501 00:27:04,120 --> 00:27:06,000 It's a very controversial opera. It is. 502 00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:08,440 It's sexy and it's weird. Oh, it is! 503 00:27:08,440 --> 00:27:11,400 People watching Sancta, this is at the Stuttgart Opera House, 504 00:27:11,400 --> 00:27:14,160 and they were treated to a performance including... 505 00:27:21,880 --> 00:27:23,440 LAUGHTER 506 00:27:23,440 --> 00:27:25,200 Were the roller skates necessary? 507 00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:29,960 Would you like to see what this looked like? 508 00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:31,480 I...I think we have to! 509 00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:33,000 Yeah. I believe we do, too. 510 00:27:40,960 --> 00:27:43,520 Why has that woman got a barcode on her upper thigh? 511 00:27:44,800 --> 00:27:48,200 What is "unsimulated" sexual intercourse? 512 00:27:48,200 --> 00:27:51,040 They want to promise you, this is real. This is real? 513 00:27:51,040 --> 00:27:52,560 Eight shows a week? 514 00:27:56,040 --> 00:27:57,760 APPLAUSE 515 00:28:02,840 --> 00:28:04,960 I'd go on the Monday matinee, if I were you! 516 00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:15,400 Do you know what qualities the show's choreographer 517 00:28:15,400 --> 00:28:16,640 was looking for in a dancer? 518 00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:20,280 Stamina. 519 00:28:20,280 --> 00:28:23,040 Choreographer Florentina Holzinger told the Guardian... 520 00:28:28,840 --> 00:28:30,160 Oh! 521 00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:32,080 That would ruin the snooker. 522 00:28:35,320 --> 00:28:38,440 This is the news that the England men's football team 523 00:28:38,440 --> 00:28:40,080 now has a German manager. 524 00:28:40,080 --> 00:28:42,640 The new manager of England has described himself, 525 00:28:42,640 --> 00:28:44,280 amongst other things, as... 526 00:28:46,040 --> 00:28:48,000 Well, that's good. When was the last time a German vegetarian 527 00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:49,360 caused us any problems? 528 00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:54,440 OK, time now for the Odd One Out round. 529 00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:57,480 Paul and Carol, your four are... Yes? 530 00:28:57,480 --> 00:29:00,200 A Qantas flight from Sydney to Tokyo, 531 00:29:00,200 --> 00:29:01,960 Malcolm Kenyatta, 532 00:29:01,960 --> 00:29:04,520 the number plate TO25 POT, 533 00:29:04,520 --> 00:29:05,840 and Judi Dench's parrot. 534 00:29:05,840 --> 00:29:07,200 BUZZER 535 00:29:07,200 --> 00:29:09,360 The number plate TO25 POT 536 00:29:09,360 --> 00:29:12,040 could be regarded as "toss pot". Mm-hm. 537 00:29:12,040 --> 00:29:15,200 I would guess that Judi Dench's parrot probably swears. 538 00:29:15,200 --> 00:29:16,720 And on the flight, 539 00:29:16,720 --> 00:29:19,080 the Sydney to Tokyo flight, 540 00:29:19,080 --> 00:29:23,160 this was where they accidentally showed a rude movie. 541 00:29:23,160 --> 00:29:26,040 It was A Night At The Opera, apparently. 542 00:29:26,040 --> 00:29:28,800 Kenyatta, what's his first name? He's called Malcolm. 543 00:29:28,800 --> 00:29:30,960 He was on Question Time. Mm. Was he? 544 00:29:30,960 --> 00:29:33,360 And he got some English slang wrong. 545 00:29:33,360 --> 00:29:35,240 They've all been rude apart from him. 546 00:29:35,240 --> 00:29:36,680 Ian is basically right here. 547 00:29:36,680 --> 00:29:39,600 So it's that they have all been unexpectedly rude... Yes. 548 00:29:39,600 --> 00:29:42,360 ..apart from Democrat Malcolm Kenyatta, 549 00:29:42,360 --> 00:29:44,120 who tried to be rude and failed. 550 00:29:44,120 --> 00:29:45,280 Oh, right. 551 00:29:45,280 --> 00:29:48,360 So he was appearing on a US election special of Question Time, 552 00:29:48,360 --> 00:29:51,480 during which an audience member said the word bollocks, 553 00:29:51,480 --> 00:29:53,200 and trying to get in on the joke, 554 00:29:53,200 --> 00:29:55,760 Malcolm had a go, but he didn't quite get it right. 555 00:29:55,760 --> 00:29:57,200 Have a little listen to this. 556 00:29:57,200 --> 00:30:00,560 And so this idea that we have not unleashed American energy 557 00:30:00,560 --> 00:30:04,240 is, to use the word twice on Question Time, bullocks. 558 00:30:04,240 --> 00:30:06,320 It's bollocks, not bullocks! Bollocks! 559 00:30:06,320 --> 00:30:08,040 All right, OK! Whoa, whoa! 560 00:30:08,040 --> 00:30:09,600 Take me to the next show! 561 00:30:10,720 --> 00:30:13,360 Just made a bit of a cont of himself there, hasn't he? 562 00:30:19,760 --> 00:30:20,920 SHE MOUTHS 563 00:30:20,920 --> 00:30:22,120 Please continue. Yeah. 564 00:30:23,240 --> 00:30:24,600 Professor! 565 00:30:26,600 --> 00:30:28,240 Vowel, please, Hannah! 566 00:30:28,240 --> 00:30:30,120 Yes, yes, yes. 567 00:30:30,120 --> 00:30:31,520 That's right. 568 00:30:31,520 --> 00:30:32,760 What does the parrot say? 569 00:30:32,760 --> 00:30:35,400 The parrot... Well, anyone want to guess? 570 00:30:35,400 --> 00:30:38,720 Well, the Yorick skull must indicate that the parrot 571 00:30:38,720 --> 00:30:40,680 sort of misrepresents Shakespearean speeches 572 00:30:40,680 --> 00:30:42,080 by putting rude words into them. 573 00:30:42,080 --> 00:30:44,720 Mm. It's a bit simpler than that. Yeah. 574 00:30:44,720 --> 00:30:46,800 Dame Judi revealed this week that her parrot 575 00:30:46,800 --> 00:30:49,520 once turned to her carer Barbara during a home visit and said... 576 00:30:58,000 --> 00:31:01,440 I was going to do a "Polly-onius" joke from Hamlet. 577 00:31:01,440 --> 00:31:02,920 Thank you very much. 578 00:31:04,880 --> 00:31:08,040 That's... Why are you thanking them for that stunned silence? 579 00:31:09,080 --> 00:31:10,800 It was appreciation, I thought! I see, yeah. 580 00:31:12,320 --> 00:31:14,120 Why has the number plate... 581 00:31:15,200 --> 00:31:17,200 ..been banned? Toss pot! 582 00:31:17,200 --> 00:31:19,520 This is one of 250 number plates 583 00:31:19,520 --> 00:31:23,480 that are deemed too rude for the road by the DVLA. Seriously?! 584 00:31:23,480 --> 00:31:26,560 Yeah. If you're driving behind a car and it's got "TO25 Pot", 585 00:31:26,560 --> 00:31:28,560 are you so triggered by that? 586 00:31:28,560 --> 00:31:31,040 I mean, that's just nonsense, isn't it? Toss pot. 587 00:31:31,040 --> 00:31:32,640 Well, I'm only making a point! 588 00:31:33,960 --> 00:31:35,600 APPLAUSE 589 00:31:35,600 --> 00:31:37,400 I'm sorry that I didn't do maths! 590 00:31:40,600 --> 00:31:43,160 All right, how did the passengers on that Qantas flight 591 00:31:43,160 --> 00:31:45,360 from Sydney to Tokyo get more than they bargained for? 592 00:31:45,360 --> 00:31:47,400 They watched... They saw a dirty film. 593 00:31:47,400 --> 00:31:49,760 They did. Do you know the story? 594 00:31:49,760 --> 00:31:51,960 Er, there's not much of a plot, to be honest! 595 00:31:51,960 --> 00:31:53,840 SCATTERED APPLAUSE 596 00:31:55,040 --> 00:31:57,400 A pizza delivery man knocks at the door... 597 00:31:57,400 --> 00:32:01,080 So the in-flight entertainment was broken on this plane, 598 00:32:01,080 --> 00:32:03,440 so passengers had to vote for a film 599 00:32:03,440 --> 00:32:06,120 to be shown on every screen on the plane, 600 00:32:06,120 --> 00:32:07,800 and according to the Guardian, 601 00:32:07,800 --> 00:32:11,720 the majority chose the sexually explicit, 18-rated... 602 00:32:13,480 --> 00:32:15,480 ..which one passenger described as... 603 00:32:19,800 --> 00:32:22,360 A passenger complained online that... 604 00:32:26,520 --> 00:32:29,800 Or indeed close your eyes! 605 00:32:29,800 --> 00:32:32,280 But after nearly an hour, the crew stopped the film 606 00:32:32,280 --> 00:32:34,880 and replaced it with a family friendly alternative, 607 00:32:34,880 --> 00:32:36,040 Fisting Nemo. 608 00:32:38,520 --> 00:32:42,080 And finally, how has a candle in America been causing offence? 609 00:32:42,080 --> 00:32:44,080 Penis-shaped candle, presumably. 610 00:32:44,080 --> 00:32:46,120 I'll be honest with you - you can keep on guessing, 611 00:32:46,120 --> 00:32:47,480 you're not going to get it. OK. 612 00:32:47,480 --> 00:32:49,520 It's a winter candle from Bath & Bodyworks 613 00:32:49,520 --> 00:32:52,480 with a snowflake design on it that has been criticised 614 00:32:52,480 --> 00:32:55,440 for looking more like several members of the Ku Klux Klan. 615 00:33:00,360 --> 00:33:03,120 Well, I would have gone with aliens there, wouldn't you? 616 00:33:03,120 --> 00:33:05,640 Well, yeah, but when you see Ku Klux Klan, 617 00:33:05,640 --> 00:33:07,320 you can't unsee it, can you? 618 00:33:07,320 --> 00:33:09,240 They have all been unexpectedly rude 619 00:33:09,240 --> 00:33:12,400 apart from Pennsylvania State Representative Malcolm Kenyatta, 620 00:33:12,400 --> 00:33:14,560 who tried to be rude and failed. 621 00:33:14,560 --> 00:33:18,000 An obscene film was accidentally shown to every passenger 622 00:33:18,000 --> 00:33:19,920 on a Qantas Airlines flight. 623 00:33:19,920 --> 00:33:21,800 According to the Guardian, one traveller said... 624 00:33:25,880 --> 00:33:29,040 Obviously they've never flown Ryanair from Luton to Magaluf. 625 00:33:32,840 --> 00:33:36,640 The obscene film caused problems when the plane came to land 626 00:33:36,640 --> 00:33:38,280 and the stewardesses asked everyone 627 00:33:38,280 --> 00:33:41,280 to put their tables to an upright position... 628 00:33:41,280 --> 00:33:43,480 ..to which most of the male passengers said, 629 00:33:43,480 --> 00:33:46,360 "I can't just now. Give me five minutes." 630 00:33:46,360 --> 00:33:48,520 Ian and Phil, your four are... 631 00:33:48,520 --> 00:33:50,440 The Dalai Lama, King Charles, 632 00:33:50,440 --> 00:33:52,800 Filipino gold medallist Carlos Yulo, 633 00:33:52,800 --> 00:33:54,480 and the city of Troy. 634 00:33:54,480 --> 00:33:56,520 The Trojan Horse. It was a gift. 635 00:33:56,520 --> 00:33:59,240 But that's not a wooden horse in the painting. Oh, accepting gifts. 636 00:33:59,240 --> 00:34:03,560 Mm. Oh, yes. This is the big horsegate scandal in Troy... 637 00:34:06,560 --> 00:34:09,960 ..when King Priam was found guilty of taking a free horse. 638 00:34:09,960 --> 00:34:13,800 He didn't declare the horse. He didn't declare it. Not at all. 639 00:34:13,800 --> 00:34:15,560 Taking gifts gets you in trouble. 640 00:34:15,560 --> 00:34:18,640 Well, not gets you in trouble. It's more... 641 00:34:18,640 --> 00:34:20,440 Means you lose the war. 642 00:34:20,440 --> 00:34:23,480 I think the odd one out is the man bottom left, because he was offered 643 00:34:23,480 --> 00:34:27,440 a free pair of binoculars and turned them down. 644 00:34:27,440 --> 00:34:30,120 They have all been given unusual gifts, 645 00:34:30,120 --> 00:34:32,520 apart from King Charles, who failed to disclose 646 00:34:32,520 --> 00:34:35,040 what gifts he's been given for the last four years. 647 00:34:35,040 --> 00:34:38,480 Scandal! Scandal. No, absolutely. 648 00:34:38,480 --> 00:34:41,440 And there are people who care about this deeply, apparently. Yeah. 649 00:34:41,440 --> 00:34:44,200 There is no shortage of financial skullduggery at the Palace, 650 00:34:44,200 --> 00:34:46,520 involving the Saudis and the Qataris. Yep. 651 00:34:46,520 --> 00:34:49,120 And last month, it was revealed that Michael Wynne-Parker, 652 00:34:49,120 --> 00:34:51,440 a charity trustee for the King's Foundation, 653 00:34:51,440 --> 00:34:53,000 was embroiled in a... 654 00:34:54,360 --> 00:34:55,800 Certainly not the first time. 655 00:34:55,800 --> 00:34:59,680 No. What is one gift that the King won't be receiving any more? 656 00:34:59,680 --> 00:35:02,400 Happy birthday card from his parents? 657 00:35:02,400 --> 00:35:06,280 LAUGHTER AND GROANS 658 00:35:06,280 --> 00:35:07,960 Unless you know different. 659 00:35:10,120 --> 00:35:12,680 Happy birthday card from one of his children. 660 00:35:15,720 --> 00:35:17,840 Oh, you didn't groan at that! 661 00:35:19,280 --> 00:35:20,800 Well, apparently it's a tradition 662 00:35:20,800 --> 00:35:22,640 that, whenever the monarch visits Jersey, 663 00:35:22,640 --> 00:35:24,120 they usually present him with... 664 00:35:25,240 --> 00:35:26,760 On a recent trip, 665 00:35:26,760 --> 00:35:29,360 Charles and Camilla were given duck eggs instead. 666 00:35:29,360 --> 00:35:32,240 Well, future dead ducks. 667 00:35:32,240 --> 00:35:35,360 In other royal news, who can't wait to get rid of the royals? 668 00:35:35,360 --> 00:35:37,560 Australia. Australia, exactly. Yeah. 669 00:35:37,560 --> 00:35:39,880 There's an anti-monarchy campaign group, 670 00:35:39,880 --> 00:35:41,920 the Australian Republic Movement, 671 00:35:41,920 --> 00:35:44,480 who plan on protesting against the state visit of the King and Queen 672 00:35:44,480 --> 00:35:47,400 this week with banners, posters and T-shirts 673 00:35:47,400 --> 00:35:50,640 that depict the royals as ageing rockers. Here they are. 674 00:35:51,680 --> 00:35:53,480 They look younger than The Rolling Stones! 675 00:35:55,640 --> 00:35:59,000 What surprising gift did Troy receive? 676 00:35:59,000 --> 00:36:01,640 A wooden horse, obviously. Mmm. It was a wooden horse, 677 00:36:01,640 --> 00:36:04,320 stuffed full, of course, of the Greeks' best warriors. 678 00:36:04,320 --> 00:36:07,400 Yeah. Among the soldiers that were smuggled into Troy, 679 00:36:07,400 --> 00:36:09,400 inside the horse, were... 680 00:36:15,400 --> 00:36:18,200 ..which is the name of Jacob Rees-Mogg's children. 681 00:36:21,760 --> 00:36:25,720 Do you know what Joanna Lumley gave the Dalai Lama? 682 00:36:25,720 --> 00:36:26,920 A night to remember. 683 00:36:29,200 --> 00:36:31,040 It was actually a drone. 684 00:36:31,040 --> 00:36:34,520 Dame Joanna Lumley recently gave a drone to the Dalai Lama. 685 00:36:34,520 --> 00:36:36,240 A drone being quite appropriate, 686 00:36:36,240 --> 00:36:38,840 because she doesn't half bang on about the Gurkhas. 687 00:36:44,240 --> 00:36:48,240 OK, gymnast Carlos Yulo became the first male Filipino 688 00:36:48,240 --> 00:36:50,840 to win an Olympic gold medal at the Paris Olympics. 689 00:36:50,840 --> 00:36:52,600 How did the government reward him? 690 00:36:52,600 --> 00:36:54,200 They gave him a house? 691 00:36:54,200 --> 00:36:57,640 They did. Yeah. And... 692 00:36:57,640 --> 00:36:59,720 Is that a lot? I think it is. 693 00:37:03,040 --> 00:37:05,200 There were businesses across the Philippines 694 00:37:05,200 --> 00:37:08,120 who gave him a hero's welcome by gifting him all sorts of stuff. 695 00:37:08,120 --> 00:37:10,560 Here's the list. We've got... 696 00:37:15,080 --> 00:37:16,720 ..which is £13,000 in free furniture. 697 00:37:16,720 --> 00:37:20,480 You can calculate the rest from there. Yeah. It's a quite a lot. 698 00:37:20,480 --> 00:37:22,480 Ooh. 699 00:37:34,640 --> 00:37:38,560 ..which, let's be honest, after all of that, is going to come in handy. 700 00:37:40,440 --> 00:37:43,320 Well, they have all been given unusual gifts 701 00:37:43,320 --> 00:37:45,800 apart from King Charles, who has failed to disclose what gifts 702 00:37:45,800 --> 00:37:47,560 he's been given for the last four years. 703 00:37:47,560 --> 00:37:51,040 Anti-monarchist groups are furious, with one arguing that... 704 00:37:56,240 --> 00:37:58,960 Like Australia, for example. 705 00:37:58,960 --> 00:38:01,240 Joanna Lumley revealed that the Dalai Lama 706 00:38:01,240 --> 00:38:05,920 is fascinated by machinery and is always taking radios apart. 707 00:38:05,920 --> 00:38:10,320 I mean, me too. Especially when Vernon Kay is on. 708 00:38:10,320 --> 00:38:11,960 I don't know who he is. Yeah. 709 00:38:13,560 --> 00:38:15,040 What does he present? 710 00:38:15,040 --> 00:38:17,960 Oh, he's got a Radio 2 show, called Vernon Kay. 711 00:38:17,960 --> 00:38:19,800 Oh, right. 712 00:38:19,800 --> 00:38:22,320 They hunted far and wide to find somebody 713 00:38:22,320 --> 00:38:24,680 that would fit the title of the programme. 714 00:38:27,480 --> 00:38:29,520 They found a woman called Kay Vernon. 715 00:38:29,520 --> 00:38:31,440 It was close but no cigar. 716 00:38:31,440 --> 00:38:33,400 Time now for the Missing Words round, 717 00:38:33,400 --> 00:38:36,360 which this week features, as its guest publication, 718 00:38:36,360 --> 00:38:39,800 The Ringing World, the weekly magazine for church bell ringers. 719 00:38:39,800 --> 00:38:41,280 And we start with... 720 00:38:45,760 --> 00:38:46,920 With a wife. 721 00:38:49,560 --> 00:38:50,960 No, this is... 722 00:38:55,240 --> 00:38:56,960 - Oh. - What?! 723 00:38:56,960 --> 00:38:58,160 AUDIENCE GROANS 724 00:38:58,160 --> 00:38:59,360 Here he is. 725 00:39:02,600 --> 00:39:04,680 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 726 00:39:10,040 --> 00:39:11,360 Next... 727 00:39:14,040 --> 00:39:15,400 Joseph Goebbels. 728 00:39:17,840 --> 00:39:18,880 Skating nun. 729 00:39:18,880 --> 00:39:21,360 Yeah, you weren't expecting that in a topical news quiz! 730 00:39:21,360 --> 00:39:23,440 Is it Eamonn Holmes? 731 00:39:23,440 --> 00:39:24,800 Roller-skating nun! 732 00:39:24,800 --> 00:39:26,240 Roller-skating nun! 733 00:39:26,240 --> 00:39:27,560 It is... 734 00:39:30,640 --> 00:39:33,200 The Cookie Monster was spotted speeding in Dortmund, Germany. 735 00:39:33,200 --> 00:39:34,280 Here he is. 736 00:39:35,640 --> 00:39:37,320 LAUGHTER 737 00:39:42,120 --> 00:39:44,320 That's the CCTV shot, there, from a camera, 738 00:39:44,320 --> 00:39:46,400 presumably on Sesame Strasse. 739 00:39:48,200 --> 00:39:49,320 Next... 740 00:39:54,920 --> 00:39:57,320 Having enough cocaine to go around! 741 00:39:59,400 --> 00:40:00,880 Surviving the winter? 742 00:40:11,120 --> 00:40:14,280 One motion to extend the length of term for stewards 743 00:40:14,280 --> 00:40:16,840 from six to nine years passed with a clear majority. 744 00:40:16,840 --> 00:40:18,120 Or, to use the technical term, 745 00:40:18,120 --> 00:40:20,000 it got a ringing endorsement. 746 00:40:20,000 --> 00:40:21,760 GROANS Excellent. Next... 747 00:40:25,680 --> 00:40:30,760 Breaks the terms of Toby Carvery's all-you-can-eat policy. 748 00:40:32,920 --> 00:40:35,280 It's... 749 00:40:38,280 --> 00:40:39,680 Have we got a picture of it? 750 00:40:39,680 --> 00:40:42,200 We absolutely do. Here it is. 751 00:40:42,200 --> 00:40:45,920 Blimey. You can just about see his eye poking out there. Yes. 752 00:40:45,920 --> 00:40:49,080 Next... 753 00:40:51,280 --> 00:40:53,000 Quasimodo tribute bands. 754 00:40:55,640 --> 00:40:57,720 It's actually... 755 00:41:05,040 --> 00:41:07,600 That's a hard sentence to say, isn't it? It is. 756 00:41:07,600 --> 00:41:09,320 It certainly was. I'm surprised we didn't get that. 757 00:41:09,320 --> 00:41:11,800 Yeah, I've been friendly with Big Wilf for a long time. 758 00:41:11,800 --> 00:41:13,360 I've heard. 759 00:41:13,360 --> 00:41:16,560 This is an advert from The Ringing World. 760 00:41:16,560 --> 00:41:19,760 According to Big Wilf's adverts, they are... 761 00:41:22,320 --> 00:41:24,440 The wreath-laying at the Cenotaph this year 762 00:41:24,440 --> 00:41:27,360 will again be a solemn occasion, as we are reminded that, yes, 763 00:41:27,360 --> 00:41:29,320 Liz Truss was once Prime Minister. 764 00:41:30,600 --> 00:41:31,920 Lastly... 765 00:41:35,120 --> 00:41:36,400 Charles. 766 00:41:38,240 --> 00:41:40,400 SCATTERED APPLAUSE 767 00:41:40,400 --> 00:41:41,800 It's... 768 00:41:43,680 --> 00:41:46,520 Applying make-up in public is also frowned upon - 769 00:41:46,520 --> 00:41:48,400 according to one etiquette expert... 770 00:41:51,000 --> 00:41:54,080 Until you get caught and end up on a desert island on Channel 5. 771 00:41:56,320 --> 00:41:58,480 I notice you chose the ITV presenter, 772 00:41:58,480 --> 00:42:02,400 rather than the BBC one. Mm. 773 00:42:02,400 --> 00:42:04,480 Yes! 774 00:42:04,480 --> 00:42:07,840 Plethora of people to choose from altogether, isn't there? There are. 775 00:42:07,840 --> 00:42:10,680 We could have gone any number of ways. Yeah. 776 00:42:10,680 --> 00:42:12,200 Huw knows? Mm. 777 00:42:15,000 --> 00:42:16,960 Have I Got Huws For You? 778 00:42:19,800 --> 00:42:22,520 So, the final scores are, 779 00:42:22,520 --> 00:42:24,600 Ian and Phil have five, 780 00:42:24,600 --> 00:42:27,320 and Paul and Carol have five! 781 00:42:27,320 --> 00:42:28,960 APPLAUSE 782 00:42:28,960 --> 00:42:30,440 Thank you, Phil. 783 00:42:30,440 --> 00:42:32,240 We survived! Yes. 784 00:42:32,240 --> 00:42:37,800 But before we go, there is just time for the Caption Competition. 785 00:42:37,800 --> 00:42:40,640 Tory members debate the way forward. 786 00:42:42,600 --> 00:42:45,200 "I suspect we have a member of the white-moustache club 787 00:42:45,200 --> 00:42:46,640 "who should not be a member." 788 00:42:50,080 --> 00:42:52,280 In the run up to their comeback tour, Ozempic 789 00:42:52,280 --> 00:42:55,200 has surprise effect for the Sugababes. 790 00:42:59,840 --> 00:43:02,560 On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, 791 00:43:02,560 --> 00:43:05,840 Ian Hislop and Phil Wang, Paul Merton and Carol Vorderman. 792 00:43:05,840 --> 00:43:09,240 And I leave you with the news that on a delayed flight to Rome, 793 00:43:09,240 --> 00:43:12,680 there is polite applause for one passenger's rendition 794 00:43:12,680 --> 00:43:14,920 of Britney Spears's Oops!... I Did It Again. 795 00:43:17,360 --> 00:43:21,320 As he scans the arrivals at a G8 summit in Washington, 796 00:43:21,320 --> 00:43:24,520 Joe Biden mutters, "I hope that really boring guy from the UK 797 00:43:24,520 --> 00:43:26,160 "isn't going to be here." 798 00:43:28,920 --> 00:43:32,080 And in Devon, one farmer reveals his unusual method 799 00:43:32,080 --> 00:43:34,160 for coring a pumpkin. 800 00:43:34,160 --> 00:43:35,760 LAUGHTER AND GROANS 801 00:43:35,760 --> 00:43:37,720 Goodnight! 802 00:43:37,720 --> 00:43:39,720 APPLAUSE