This programme contains some strong language
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening!
Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
I'm Roy Wood Jr and I usually host the American version of this show,
but I'm here this week seeking asylum.
In the news this week -
outside a Wendy's in San Francisco,
there's an embarrassing moment as two people realise
they're both up for the same job.
In Washington, one man learns
his work nemesis won't get the promotion she was hoping for.
And at UK border checks,
one American chicken importer
denies their birds have been injected with steroids.
On Ian's team tonight, a comedian who once took a trip to Las Vegas
and says she was blown away by America's sunny positivity.
Wow, that trip must have been a long time ago.
Please welcome Roisin Conaty.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
On Paul's team tonight, an author and broadcaster who was awarded
a world record for naming the most capital cities in a minute.
Impressive.
Most Americans wouldn't even know
that England was the capital of London.
Please welcome Richard Osman.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
Ian and Roisin, have a look at this.
Ooh!
Yeah, Village People.
And there's the idiot.
There's the loser.
Well, this is the shock news to everyone
who'd been telling us for weeks it was neck and neck,
and it wasn't at all. No.
"Right, you're deported."
There's the face of a man who's won without cheating.
Yeah. And he couldn't believe it.
Yes, that's correct. That is the historic US election
which has put the first woman in the White... Hang on.
Let me redo that.
The historic US election which has put the first
convicted felon in the White House. Yeah.
I like the idea that last time he complained, but this time
it wasn't rigged!
No. It's funny, that, because the Democrats obviously
didn't bother to rig it this time. Yeah, nice and smooth.
I'd like to see the Democrats' version
of storming the Capitol, though. Yeah. They would... Everyone would
have little wicker baskets.
They'd all be listening to podcasts on the way.
"Make sure you pack a lunch!"
The American way of dealing with Trump is, like, he obviously
should have been disqualified for January 6th, but instead
they let him run and just put a ring of steel around the Capitol.
And that's why they deal with gun control.
Like, they have shootings in schools.
They could get rid of guns, but they just put checkpoints in schools.
It's mad! They're going to do that.
They're going to get rid of schools.
That's the problem. Schools! That's the problem.
What has the press reaction been like?
I don't know, I haven't seen a paper for years.
Do you know, Ian...?
Largely, the Tory press were thrilled,
because they'd hoped it was going to be Trump.
There were headlines like,
"Trump gives hope
"to the Conservative Party."
And so, there's a feeling that the right will triumph again
everywhere and possibly here.
The German newspaper Die Zeit best summed it up.
LAUGHTER
Why do the polls always get it so wrong?
It's not the polls that are the problem, it's the Americans, Roy.
Maybe people are reluctant to say how they're going to vote
if they're sort of going to vote for Trump,
don't want to admit it in public, but then go ahead
and vote for him in private, I don't know.
But we always think pollsters don't bring their own prejudices
to the polls, they're somehow magically independent.
They're not. And, repeatedly, I mean, we saw it in Brexit
and we've had it lots of times -
people sort of believe what they want to.
And who they asked as well.
It's like who they... People kept saying "shy fascists".
Like, I don't... Shy fascists?!
Tiptoeing into Czechoslovakia...
"Don't look at me! I'm a shy fascist!"
A lot of people seem reluctant to admit they supported Trump.
Even Republicans in the state of Georgia claimed
to not be that impressed with the candidate
in the build-up to the election. Have a look at this.
Who are you going to vote for?
The right person.
Well, who do you think the right person will be?
It won't be Donald Trump. OK, tell me why.
Last time you saw him talking, did you watch his lips?
Uh-huh. Were they moving?
Uh-huh. He's lying.
That man was lying. You could just tell by the way he was talking.
He's got a fresh Klan robe in the closet.
Neatly pressed.
We've got slightly different libel laws over here...
Just mentioning it early.
I'll visit you.
No, no, he didn't...
Roy didn't say he was a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
He just said he liked the uniform. Indeed.
OK, then, let me take it back.
I guarantee you that man has a white sheet in his house somewhere.
That he may or may not wear at night to scare minorities.
There was also a lot of political heroes in the American election.
How did Peanut here become a symbol
of Republican criticism of the government?
I can guarantee you that squirrel got a white sheet in his closet.
Yeah.
You can see it in his eyes.
I don't like that hat. No. You're safe there.
Well, Peanut the squirrel, there was a suggestion
that he might have rabies.
And you can only test for rabies once the animal is dead, apparently.
So they killed him and then said, "No, he hasn't got rabies.
"Here's your squirrel back in a jiffy bag."
He was living in a house with a man.
Oh, was it? Well, listen, I'm not judging.
Illegally. Yeah, they were together.
Not like that, but they were.
- Who knows? - Who knows?
He got rabies somehow. Yeah.
Bury his nuts every autumn.
Peanut was living in a house
and according to the New York Times, a warrant was issued to seize him,
and when they came to pick him up...
So they euthanised him to test for rabies,
and you're correct, he did not have rabies.
But maybe if Peanut the squirrel had just complied
with the authorities' orders...
Yeah. Yeah.
Do you think they'll try this with Prince Andrew
when they try and evict him?
What, in case he's got rabies?
Worth a go, innit?
Trump won a huge share of independent voters.
What is it about Trump that they like?
The last question in all the rallies was, you know,
"Would you like not to be poorer?"
And that's a fairly binary vote,
and in the end, more people thought, "Yeah."
It's always the question everywhere,
and it's always either are you poorer,
are the dice loaded against you because of your next-door neighbour,
or are the dice loaded against you because of billionaires?
And billionaires in the last few years have been very clever
at saying it's your next-door neighbour,
and that's what Trump has cleverly done.
But I think they've made 64 billion, the ten richest people in the world,
since he got elected - just in one day. 64 billion.
That's Elon Musk, that's Jeff Bezos,
that's Gary Lineker, all of them.
APPLAUSE
Did any of the coverage stand out for you all?
I mean, I know it's been a day or two since the election.
I know some of them... We had amazing coverage in Britain.
Did we? Yeah, we had Boris Johnson
on Channel 4.
With Stormy Daniels. With Stormy Daniels.
There's an interesting pairing. Yeah.
At the end he's going, "We actually just need one cab
"at the end of the evening. We're fine."
Here he is talking about an issue close to his heart.
The lizard part of you wanted Trump to win. Yeah.
Is the lizard part back this time around?
Well, look, you know, as I say in my...in my book Unleashed...
Stop it. No more plugs! No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Enough.
No, no, no. There's absolutely nothing you can do to stop it.
LAUGHTER
Let's just say it's a lie. I...
Come on, it's so cheap. Put it away.
Well, look here... Not the book, but I mean, you know.
Here we go. Unfortunately.
I'm allowed to plug my book.
Wow.
Oh, what a grubby little div!
LAUGHTER
Oh, my God!
I was literally just about to get mine, but I won't now!
Amazon went big on their election show with Brian Williams.
Have a look at what Amazon did.
For the historic night,
we have decided to put ourselves in the middle of America.
There you go. Something close to the middle of the country.
Wow. Yeah.
That would be a shopping centre in Rugby for us.
Although I have to say, the way they positioned Brian Williams' desk
made it seem like he was going to get run over by a truck
at some point.
LAUGHTER
Oh, that's very stressful!
Why are you in the middle of the road, Brian Williams?
With Trump's election,
what's Keir Starmer rushed to do?
Phoned him. Ring him up. Congratulate him. "Well done."
To make sure that we keep that special relationship going
that only the British are aware of.
Keir tweeted on Wednesday morning...
IMITATES KEIR STARMER BADLY
Wow. Has Dick Van Dyke come into the studio?
I don't know why that sounded Australian. My bad.
It's like he's in the room!
Blimey, Mary Poppins!
Here's Trump acknowledging that special relationship.
He was the big winner of the last election in the UK
and he's a very spectacular man,
very highly respected.
Nigel Farage.
CHEERING
Wow. Oh, he's got that salute right at last.
It's an amazing shot there of Clacton, isn't there?
Who else had to eat some Trump humble pie after election day?
- Oh, my God. - Oh, David Lammy.
He said he was a fascist and he was... What else?
Yeah, yeah. He used the words KKK about him.
Yes, he did, that as well.
Foreign Secretary David Lammy, who said...
Wait, I'm sorry, that's from 2017.
Let me find the one.
Here's what he said this week.
Now, see, that's where you go too far.
Nobody's looking forward to working with JD Vance.
Now, who from the UK
did have strong words for Trump?
Liz Truss? No, not Liz.
Who's that? No, I don't know.
Google her. Google her. Google her.
It was Lib Dem leader Ed Davey, who said...
Davey completed the statement,
then inflated his rubber ring
and jumped down a water slide.
Roy, do you understand that punch line or did you just trust it?
They showed me the picture of him. Ah, OK.
And I'm like, "That is a policy maker?!"
I mean, yeah... OK.
Incidentally, what did Putin release this week?
A fragrance?
Elon's Musk.
Elon's Musk! That's a good one.
Yeah, I like that.
It's called Crimea River.
Ooh, that's very good! Oh, very nice. Took me a minute.
We should brainstorm perfumes. Yeah, absolutely.
What are we doing here? Well, you know the phone's listening to us.
Stop giving away the money for free.
Roy, not only is a phone listening to us,
we are literally on television.
LAUGHTER
AUDIENCE CHEERS
Uh, what Putin released...was the FSB annual calendar,
which this year... Ah, yeah! ..features Putin with his new BFF,
President Xi of China.
Here they are on the calendar.
LAUGHTER
I don't know if you heard that, but when you said it,
Ian went, "Oh, yeah!"
Like it was something... Yeah. ..that you were anticipating.
The Putin calendar is usually topless. Oh, it's a shame...
Yeah, and I was sort of... I was hoping, but it...
Oh, you was hoping, like, the topless on a horse? Yeah.
And not the Vin Diesel, Fast And Furious... Yeah. Wow!
This is the happy news that Donald Trump has accepted
the election result.
It's estimated that Trump's mass deportation plans
could cost around...
Which is still less than what the Democrats spent
on booking Beyonce.
During his campaign, Trump repeatedly announced his intention
to fight what he described as...
Which in his case is cholesterol.
Paul and Richard, take a look at this.
Yeah.
Is this Kemi Badenoch?
She's become the new Tory leader.
And she was on the Laura Kuenssberg show and she was being questioned
and she said, "I'm not here to win a popularity contest."
Which seemed to be misjudging the job position
that she's going to be fighting for in a few years.
Um, yeah. So she's the new leader,
the new leader of the Conservative Party.
Kemi beat her rival, Robert Jenrick, by 10,000 votes in the election.
Now, how did she beat him?
Well, Robert Jenrick is like... Is he boring? Yeah.
When he's on TV, I always have to check with someone to make sure
they're also seeing him.
It was like running against a mist, essentially.
I think that dead squirrel might have beaten him.
Well, nonetheless, his wife was there at the count
to support her losing-ass husband,
um, and to also supportively applaud the winner.
Take a look.
Very good.
Now, I don't want to get sued because of your laws over here,
but is it polite to guess what drug somebody are on?
No, that's all right. You can guess.
Yeah, no, you can do that. And then we will come and visit you.
Yeah.
Kemi's parents were a doctor and an academic.
But how, according to her, did she become working-class?
Oh, she had a Saturday job somewhere.
McDonald's. McDonald's, yeah, she got a Saturday job,
and then she went working-class.
When she got in there, it turned her working-class.
She arrived in a carriage and then got in there
and had a couple of fries and was all like, "'Ello, love."
That's awfully good. That's better than his chim-chiminey.
We'll see about that.
I'll try again later.
Americans, I think, have a certain image of British people, right?
And I think there's that big Harry Potter thing as well.
And it's not helped by the fact that the five leading candidates
for the Tory party election were called Badenoch, Jenrick,
Tugendhat, Cleverly and Stride.
- Wow, a real... - All of whom could have been
Harry Potter professors. Yeah.
Or houses!
You can imagine the sorting hat coming out.
"You're in Badenoch." "Oh, no!"
"No!"
The sorting hat in Harry Potter was very creepy.
Yeah. Listen, I... Good film.
But that hat, I didn't like that. I turned away.
LAUGHTER
They've, uh... I think they've done a book of the film as well.
I'll look into that.
What did your Boris Johnson say that Kemi Badenoch would...
He's not MY Boris Johnson!
Well, I'm sorry for making eye contact with you.
What did your Boris Johnson say
Kemi Badenoch would bring to the party?
A couple of crates.
Yeah. He said...
Which are a couple of girls he met on holiday.
And Keir Starmer also said that Kemi's election as the first
black female leader of a major political party was...
Although Labour MP Dawn Butler was a lot less enthused.
What did Dawn do?
Oh, it was... She accused her of being a white person in blackface,
or something like that? Yes, it's the fury of the left
when someone who's black doesn't vote for Labour.
Um, and it made her very, very cross.
So she retweeted, I think, someone else. Right.
Although now Elon Musk will sue you for saying "tweeted" as well,
because I think it's "X'd". She X'd.
She liked some words on a website. Can I say that legally?
Yeah. Does that not get me sued?
Yeah, you're fine with that.
Shit, y'all be hatin' so hard!
Now, explain to me, if you all can, why the Labour Party
has never had a non-white or female leader.
I think they assume they will have the support of minorities,
who then don't necessarily give them that support.
That's what happened in the American election as well.
And I think that's a mistake.
I know, and the Tories have had
four female leaders, two non-white leaders.
I mean, they've had an awful lot more leaders,
I'll give them that, but...
But it does seem suspicious.
What do people say is Kemi Badenoch's flaw?
She can pick a fight
in a paper bag with herself.
According to Tim Stanley in the Telegraph...
Oh, don't listen to him. He's an idiot. Yeah!
That's not libellous. That's true.
Yeah, I've got medical records that prove it.
According to Tim Stanley in the Telegraph...
AUDIENCE GROANS
Do you recognise yourself in that description, Ian?
No!
I do.
Y'all freaky as hell, apparently.
Now, some news about appalling standards of behaviour
in your House of Commons. Yes.
What did Labour MP Steve Witherden do in the Chamber
to earn a public reprimand?
Oh, he didn't, did he? Oh!
No, he drank some milk. Out of what?
Out of a cow.
According to the Mail On Sunday, he was...
His rejoinder was that he would not be...
Zing! APPLAUSE
Wow! "I would not be ashamed!"
He accused the Speaker of being lactose intolerant. Yes.
That's the difference between us and America.
In America, they try to hang Mike Pence.
Here, we've got an MP drinking out of a carton of milk.
And that makes the headlines!
This is Kemi Badenoch becoming leader of the Conservative Party.
According to the Times, Kemi Badenoch is the fourth female
Tory leader after...
So, whatever she does, she can't ever be the worst.
Kemi Badenoch's first government role was
when Boris Johnson made her...
A really busy department, thanks to him!
Yeah, we know about Boris Johnson and the kids. We know about Boris.
We call him Stupid Trump.
APPLAUSE
And so to round two and, because I love your quaint little
country with its amusing local stories, it's time for...
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
BUZZER
This is... I did see this.
It's the M1's anniversary, 65 years.
So, next year it'll be able to claim a pension.
That is correct.
This is the news that the M1 motorway is 65 years old.
Happy birthday, M1!
Celebration by Kool & The Gang
APPLAUSE
Yeah!
Celebrating the birthday of a... Of a road!
Y'all remember where you were in 1959 when the old M1 got laid out?
Ian, where were you in '59? I wasn't born.
If you say so!
If it's 65, they should let buses use it for free.
How did they celebrate the birth of this road in 1959?
I think the Queen opened it, didn't she? Yes, yes.
I seem to remember Pathe black-and-white imagery of sort of,
"And here's the Queen, opening up the M1,
"which promises to get people from London to Leeds in no time at all."
APPLAUSE
Something like that. Pretty good.
That's how you do the accent. That's how you do it.
"And here comes Mary Poppins on a broomstick."
LAUGHTER
Now, that was 1959. Yes.
How has the M1 changed since it opened 65 years ago?
Extra lanes.
Got more conservative. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
It used to have a 24-hour restaurant
at Watford Gap Services, which used
to get so rowdy with touring pop stars like The Beatles
and The Rolling Stones that...
Here's the Watford Gap. Here's a picture.
To be fair, I think Jimi Hendrix mistook a lot of things
for a nightclub. Yeah.
Would you all like to see one of the original adverts?
Yes, please! Oh, yes.
The London-Birmingham motorway, first of its kind in Britain,
will open for traffic on November 2nd, barring unforeseen delays.
Its many wonders include, near Luton, a high retaining wall,
16 feet wide at the base.
APPLAUSE
A 16-foot retaining wall outside Luton?
Yeah, bitch, we got a road!
While we're on the subject of roads,
we're going to play a game called Name That Road. Oh, fantastic!
Are you ready? Yeah, absolutely. OK. Here's your first one.
Which road links Catthorpe Interchange in Leicestershire
with the port of Felix...
What the fuck w...?
With the port of Felixstowe in Suffolk?
Sorry, can you say that again?
Yeah, so we were distracted
by someone walking out at the thought of a road.
Yeah.
"Right, you're taking the piss out of the M1. I'm off!"
"Americans coming over here, knocking our roads? I'm off!"
Tried to say those cities as best I could. Yeah.
Say them again, Roy, but maybe use our accent.
Imagine Dick Van Dyke were here. OK. Here is your first one.
Which road links the Catthorpe Interchange...
..in Leicestershire with the port of Felixstowe in Suffolk?
APPLAUSE
BUZZER
Well, that's a tough...
That's a tough question there, Roy. I have no idea.
You'd better tell us.
It's the A14. God, I love that road!
That's my favourite road! Next road.
It begins just outside Bedford
and passes hidden in the hedges in Flyford Flavell
on its way to Upton Snodsbury near Worcestershire.
What words are y'all putting...?!
These are not real places!
We've never heard of them!
You are just putting British syllables together.
They're making fun of you. Oh, I know, and I'mma let them. It's fine.
We gave y'all Trump for the next four years. I got to do something.
Can I take a look at that one? Yeah, take a look at that one.
Give me a shot. This one.
BUZZER
He fell for it.
I think it's the A422. Yeah.
Points for you.
Next one.
Which road starts in Newport, passes through Manchester
and Stockton, and ends just outside Cambridge? Oh, dear me!
It's so hard to avoid the phrase who cares?
Is it the...?
Is it the M62? It's a trick question!
It's Newport, Oregon, Manchester, Delaware, Stockton, Illinois,
and Cambridge, Massachusetts.
The answer is US Highway 20,
the longest road in America.
This game is international. Wow!
APPLAUSE
Last one. Thank God for that!
What's the shortest road in the United Kingdom?
It's only about ten foot long and I can't remember what it is.
Close, close. It's Ebenezer Place
in Wick in northern Scotland, which measures...
Just pipped you, Richard. Oh!
How tall are you?
I'm 6'7" so I could...
I'd certainly cause a blockage.
Uh, in other transport news,
what's wrong with Leeds bus station?
Ignore the obvious. Um...
It's £3 now to get a bus.
Uh, no, it's not the price. It's the smell.
Oh, yes, yes! For two weeks,
people have been complaining that it smells...
I do not know what that means.
I don't want to know what that means.
Mini Cheddars was our Prime Minister during the Second World War.
LAUGHTER
And, finally, what record
has a runner in Wales recently set?
Using a tracker... High heels.
He was in high heels? Oh! Oh! Oh!
Go on. A tracker. The biggest cock and balls in history.
What?!
LAUGHTER
On his, like, tracker thing,
he drew an enormous cock and balls.
Using a tracker,
Welshman Terry Rosoman set the world record for the...
OK. Let's take a look at that penis, please.
Oh!
LAUGHTER
If this is in any way an accurate description of a penis,
you should see a doctor.
Particularly if that measurement is accurate.
LAUGHTER
This is the news that Britain's oldest motorway, the M1,
is 65 years old.
According to BBC News, the toilets at the M1's Watford Gap services
once attracted the likes of The Beatles, Jimi Hendrix
and The Rolling Stones.
I wonder what ever could have attracted them...
The excellent plumbing maybe,
or the lockable door
and the readily available flat surfaces.
We'll never know.
Meanwhile... One clap for cocaine. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
OK. Sorry, are we putting in an order?
Do you want some, Ian? No, two for snuff.
LAUGHTER
Two for snuff!
Whenever I see you clap now, I'm going to think.
"Oh, Ian's on the snuff."
Meanwhile, Leeds bus station has been plagued
by a mysterious stench.
One passenger who had just arrived there from London said...
..and he'd just spent five hours on a Megabus.
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
Oh!
BELL
It's the royal family.
It was on the tip of my tongue! I recognised... Yeah!
This is the story that the King and the Prince of Wales both received
large amounts of money through their holdings in the
Duchy of Lancaster and the Duchy of Cornwall.
They own vast amounts of the country and lots of people pay rent,
but no-one knew that it was people like hospitals and schools
and the army.
And this...this wasn't very popular.
And that is correct.
The NHS has been charged rent by the King. An investigation
by the Sunday Times and Channel 4's Dispatches revealed
that the Duchy of Lancaster
charges one London hospital trust...
I would say if they need somewhere to put ambulances, people would pay
to have them parked outside their house,
just as like a form of insurance.
Yeah.
The Duchy of Lancaster also owns the land around the River Mersey
in Liverpool, so it makes money off the Mersey ferry.
How did Liverpudlians react to the news?
Well?
Just a second.
I want you all to acknowledge how hard I rehearsed "Liverpudlians".
LAUGHTER
A lot of them had no idea.
One woman had this reaction to the news.
Are Liverpudlians aware who is making money
from their famous ferry?
I have no idea who owns the foreshore.
I believe it's a gentleman from Liverpool.
I think his name's Chris.
LAUGHTER
That was my favourite bit!
And just the panic, like when you're at school and you think
you need to have an answer.
Uh, Steve? Someone called Steve?
Now, what's particularly special about the Duchy of Lancaster?
It gets passed by the left-hand side.
Very good!
It doesn't pay any tax.
Yes.
It has a special tax status, meaning...
Wow. That's so slick.
Now, what has Prince Andrew lost this week?
Oh.
Dignity?
No, he didn't have that. That was ages ago!
His allowance.
That's it. They took away his £1 million allowance?
Yes. Yes.
So, he's got to pay his own rent. Yes.
A new royal biography has revealed
that King Charles has cut off Andrew's...
Not the first thing I'd cut off. Yeah.
According to The Times, Andrew may now be forced to downsize to...
I don't know about y'all, but I need at least three orangeries.
Yeah. Can't be living with two orangeries like a broke bitch.
Why would I ever...?
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
In other royal news... Yes.
..what went up for sale this week?
The Duchess of Kent?
Oh!
Did you want to bid?
A slice of Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip's wedding cake
that was found...
..has sold at auction for £2,200.
Would you like to see it?
I wouldn't like to eat it! Yes.
Here's a picture of the fruitcake
holding the slice of wedding cake.
LAUGHTER
I'd eat it.
LAUGHTER
Once you start seeing Britain through American eyes,
you realise we're in trouble!
LAUGHTER
This is the news that the royal family are making millions a year
from their property empire.
Amongst King Charles' properties is a service station
including a fast food outlet.
Hey, not my Burger King!
King Charles is said to have cut off Prince Andrew's
£1 million allowance.
Oh, no! The poor man!
Now, he may actually have to eat at Pizza Express.
LAUGHTER Ooh!
Time now for the Odd One Out round. Just one between you this week.
They are crows, Sisyphus, a train driver and a monkey with a keyboard.
BELL
I don't know. I just like the crows.
The one on the right's brilliant, isn't it? Yeah. You want some, mate?
You want some? Yeah! Leave it out!
This seems to be a programme dedicated to authentic
Cockney accents. Yeah!
Is it repeating an action endlessly?
Sisyphus had to roll this boulder up to the top of the hill.
What's the monkey doing?
Sending emails.
"I'm out of the office.
"Don't work Tuesdays."
Crows. They do the same thing a lot, don't they?
He's not going anywhere with this.
BUZZER
I've given the benefit of the doubt. We've got guests, Ian.
What sort of impression does it give of our country?
Um... We don't know!
APPLAUSE
You'd better tell us.
His thing is nonstop.
He never stops pushing the thing up the hill. Yeah.
Monkeys can write the works of Shakespeare
if there's infinite monkeys. Given enough time, yep. Crows...
Crows hold a grudge... Yeah, they do. ..for, like, 17 years. Yeah.
So do train drivers.
So the odd one out is the crows. Yeah, definitely.
Yeah, it's the crows. Yeah, of course it's the crows.
They're all involved in something potentially endless
apart from the crows, who can only hold a grudge for 17 years.
How did one man in Seattle work out
and establish that crows can hold a grudge?
Cos he kicked a crow up the arse 17 years ago.
And then, 17 years later, he said, "Do you remember I kicked you
"up the arse?" "Yeah, you did."
That's the worst answer I've ever given in this programme.
In 2006, Professor John Marzluff
had been investigating why crows
attack people so, in '06,
he briefly captured seven crows...
Here he is in the mask.
This is the mask he was wearing.
Is that a mask or is that man just British?
Like, what's up with his teeth?
He then went back periodically to the same site to visit
the crows while wearing the mask.
The crows noticed and remembered him and...
Until, this September, exactly 17 years later,
when they finally forgave him and the cawing stopped.
And this guy you say is a professor? Yes.
And they weren't even the same crows!
Ian, what's the deal with Sisyphus?
You can get ointment for it.
He was sentenced to this endless torment because he treated guests
very badly by sort of murdering them a lot.
Yeah. He was a king who killed his guests to show how powerful
he was and was punished for eternity for...
Travelodge, you have been warned.
What is potentially endless for a train driver?
The Circle Line?
That is very good.
APPLAUSE
According to the Mail Online,
if a line manager interrupts a train driver's break to say hi,
they have the right to restart
the break from the beginning...
Yeah, I agree.
Why is he coming to say hi? No-one's coming to say hi on your break.
They're coming to get you to do jobs.
Someone comes over, it's, like, "Hello!" You're, like, "No!"
We start again!
I would hang around a boss and dare... Just sort of, like...
And make loads of noises, so eventually they were, like,
"What's wrong with you?" I'm, like, "Uh-oh!
"Looks like I've got another hour!"
What will a monkey with a keyboard never do?
Write the works of Shakespeare.
Two mathematicians in Australia have debunked the...
Oh, have they?
..that, if a monkey spent enough time at a keyboard, it would
eventually be able to reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Ah!
Oh, right. They said that the amount of time it would take...
I'm sticking with the monkeys. I think they're going to get it.
Right. He's on his break at the moment!
If you speak to him, he deletes the whole of Othello!
How did the Sun newspaper cover this story?
Some pun on monkeys, isn't it, I should think?
The Sun newspaper went for...
LAUGHTER
That is actually good.
They're all involved in something potentially endless
apart from the crows, who can only hold a grudge for 17 years.
According to a new deal signed by Britain's train drivers,
their lunch hour can be restarted if a manager even stops to say hello.
In theory, a lunch break could go on for...
"That's unworkable," said French train drivers.
"That's barely enough time to let the wine breathe!"
Time now for the Missing Words round, which this week
features as its guest publication Heritage Tractor magazine.
There's a lot in each issue, but I'll just plough through it.
And we'll start with...
Is brought back from the dead.
They've got a defibrillator with his name on it.
"Start me up!"
APPLAUSE
Keith insists on having a shepherd's pie before every Rolling Stones gig.
Stewed gristly meat with a cheesy crust is a pretty good
description of Keith Richards.
Next...
Is it sprayed his seed over a 30 metre radius?
While rotating.
Not far off it. Machinery! Yeah. After the display,
the gathered Norfolk crowd gave a rousing round of applause,
made all the louder by the fact that everyone there had 12 fingers.
Next...
They're trying to scare your cat.
Cos you see all those videos... Do you know, I missed them?
Well, I think that's not right. Where is this from?
According to a recent survey,
the fourth most popular item ordered on Deliveroo was...
Eh, just one cucumber.
So you're telling me that you weren't doing anything
with this cucumber other than eating it?
Not two or three cucumbers.
You just order one cucumber and some lotion
and that's just what I'm supposed to...
OK. But also, you've ordered it, so you wouldn't be surprised anyway.
Yeah!
Now, that's a nightmare scenario. Ordering cucumbers
and forgetting you've ordered cucumbers.
It's like some sort of hell!
Quick, before we go on, let's just pause for a second.
To the Americans watching right now, a cucumber is a type of vegetable.
And sometimes you eat vegetables because they're supposed...
Never mind.
LAUGHTER
Next, China could be spying on your kitchen by...
What?
By putting a tap on your sink?
Yes!
AUDIENCE GROANS
Oh, you groan now but you'll be buying it in paperback by Christmas!
China could be spying on your kitchen by using
an air fryer.
Oh, yes!
Next - Catholic Church tries to woo young people by...?
Is it sheer force of habit?
AUDIENCE GROANS
Woo!
Catholic Church tries to woo young people by saying,
"Do you want to see some puppies?"
Catholic Church tries to woo young people by
introducing new mascot.
Isn't Jesus enough?
Yeah!
Lastly, ask any American for a British stereotype
and they'll say... What?
A fondness for democracy?
Ask any American for a British stereotype
and they'll say horrible teeth.
What are you saying, Roy? We'll ask you. We say the food.
The food? Yeah. It's bad?
Chips? Fish and chips? Here's the thing.
I'm not going to say that British food is bad.
I will say it does not photograph well.
LAUGHTER
I would agree!
APPLAUSE
That's the problem.
So the final scores are Ian and Roisin have four points,
and Paul and Richard have seven points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Sorry about that. It was you!
Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
God! I can only think of a pun. Whenever I do... Richard,
whenever I do a pun, the audience just groan. I think go for it.
You can do it. My head feels a little SAW.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Woo, woo, woo!
AUDIENCE WHOOPS
On which note... That was incredibly patronising.
Thank you very much indeed.
On which note, we say thank you to our panellists -
Ian Hislop and Roisin Conaty, Paul Merton and Richard Osman,
and I leave you with news that after an unexpected career change,
one woman decides to take up acting
and audition for a part in EastEnders.
LAUGHTER
At an election victory party in Florida,
one intern manages to slip away
from an awkward situation at the last minute.
LAUGHTER
And a Northampton man is delighted
he can hear much more clearly
after dislodging a stubborn piece of earwax.
LAUGHTER, GROANS
Goodnight.