1 00:00:04,240 --> 00:00:06,280 Thank you, you've taken minutes off me. 2 00:00:06,280 --> 00:00:09,000 LAUGHTER 3 00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:10,960 She's going back to Madam Tussauds! 4 00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:16,520 This programme contains some strong language 5 00:00:16,520 --> 00:00:18,240 I told you to wait in the van! 6 00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:53,160 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 7 00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:00,160 Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You. 8 00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:01,520 I'm Jo Brand. 9 00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:03,000 In the news this week, 10 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:05,440 after Mike Amesbury loses the Labour whip 11 00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:07,160 for fighting with a constituent, 12 00:01:07,160 --> 00:01:10,480 Nigel Farage approaches him to join Reform, 13 00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:12,680 but isn't taking any chances. 14 00:01:12,680 --> 00:01:14,520 Yes, sure. 15 00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:19,240 LAUGHTER 16 00:01:19,240 --> 00:01:23,040 On the first day of filming for his new open-air cooking show, 17 00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:27,120 Jamie Oliver regrets showing off with his opening link. 18 00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:28,480 Whee! 19 00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:30,800 Whee! 20 00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:34,840 Whee... 21 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:43,560 And at Zito's, the barman hears that Angela Rayner and a friend 22 00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:45,800 are just a couple of minutes away. 23 00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:01,560 On Ian's team tonight is a stand-up comedian 24 00:02:01,560 --> 00:02:03,800 who once got chased by a crocodile. 25 00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:06,400 Nothing to be ashamed of, we've all done panto. 26 00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:09,160 Please welcome Nabil Abdulrashid. 27 00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:10,760 APPLAUSE 28 00:02:15,680 --> 00:02:19,520 On Paul's team tonight is a journalist who, in his spare time, 29 00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:23,080 drinks in a pub he's built in his own back garden. 30 00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:25,200 You do realise you can just go for a walk 31 00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:27,520 to avoid your family, don't you? 32 00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:29,280 Please welcome Tom Peck. 33 00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:31,280 APPLAUSE 34 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:38,520 We begin with the bigger news stories of the week. 35 00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:41,560 Ian and Nabil, take a look at this. 36 00:02:41,560 --> 00:02:43,400 That's the Budget. That box was black. 37 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:44,520 It's been dyed. 38 00:02:46,640 --> 00:02:48,840 That's money. We haven't got any left. 39 00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:52,200 And, oh, he's using a tool and he's making... 40 00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:53,800 They're retraining. 41 00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:57,080 Yes. This is the Budget, which seems to have been coming 42 00:02:57,080 --> 00:03:00,520 for about the last ten years, but it's out today. 43 00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:04,000 And people were incredibly shocked, because it's... The Labour Party 44 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:07,880 are in power and they've tried to redistribute some wealth. 45 00:03:07,880 --> 00:03:10,480 Unbelievable! 46 00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:13,200 I mean, you could have blown me away with a feather. 47 00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:14,960 Um, Tom was there. 48 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:17,320 You sat through it all. I was there, yep. 49 00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:18,520 Tell the grandkids I was there. 50 00:03:18,520 --> 00:03:20,760 Can't leave them any money but they will have the anecdote 51 00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:22,640 and I'm sure that's what they would rather have. 52 00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:25,680 It wasn't that bad. I mean, bus fares are more expensive, 53 00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:28,040 but pints are cheaper. 54 00:03:28,040 --> 00:03:29,920 CHEERING 55 00:03:32,640 --> 00:03:35,960 Which means... Yes? ..the night buses are going to be less crowded, 56 00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:38,640 but the people on it will be drunker. 57 00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:43,760 So, black hole well and truly filled? 58 00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:45,520 22 billion black hole. 59 00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:49,080 Now it turns out you need 40 billion to fill it. 60 00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:53,680 Well, now you've got to add on the VAT, the labour, parts. 61 00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:55,040 These go up and up and up. 62 00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:57,560 And they inherited the black hole from the Tories. Of course. 63 00:03:57,560 --> 00:04:00,160 So you've got to pay tax on that as well now. 64 00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:05,080 Now, politicians love a three-word mantra, don't they? 65 00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:07,840 Blair's "Education, education, education." 66 00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:09,880 Boris's "Build, build, build." 67 00:04:09,880 --> 00:04:13,760 Liz Truss's "Wibble, wibble, wibble." 68 00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:15,480 What was Rachel's? 69 00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:18,080 The word she said the most, which was really 70 00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:19,640 an act of gross torment, 71 00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:21,440 was, "finally". 72 00:04:21,440 --> 00:04:23,680 She said "finally" 12 times. 73 00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:25,480 Once, after 15 minutes, 74 00:04:25,480 --> 00:04:27,720 and there was still an hour and ten to go. 75 00:04:28,880 --> 00:04:31,080 That's cruel. Very cruel. 76 00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:33,280 It was... 77 00:04:33,280 --> 00:04:36,480 It was supposed to be part of Labour's strategy for growth, 78 00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:39,760 but what was in the Budget that a lot of people complained 79 00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:41,360 would stunt growth? 80 00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:44,360 Was this the National Insurance on employers' contributions? 81 00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:48,680 Indeed. People are debating whether, um, putting this tax on employers 82 00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:52,000 will just be passed straight on to employees by the employers. 83 00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:55,920 But that suggests a lot of employers are not responsible, generous, 84 00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:58,680 kind and caring. And many of us are. 85 00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:04,880 So we'll be sucking it up ourselves. 86 00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:07,440 It's a good trick if you can do it. 87 00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:09,440 You'd never leave the house, would you? 88 00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:16,320 Labour got hung up, didn't they, on what counts as a working person. 89 00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:20,360 Yes. Now, does anyone here say they're not a working person? 90 00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:23,920 I'm not sure my mother ever thought this was a job. I mean... 91 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:27,960 But you make it look like one. 92 00:05:29,480 --> 00:05:31,320 It's hard work. It is hard work. 93 00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:34,680 I mean, you must be quite upset, Ian, on behalf of all those non-doms 94 00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:36,720 who are going to lose their tax break? 95 00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:39,480 Yes. I mean, I'm just devastated. 96 00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:43,240 The idea that Lord Rothermere, the owner of the Mail, 97 00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:46,360 may lose his non-dom status. I mean, it's gutting. 98 00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:49,000 What sort of country do we live in? 99 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:51,000 Not the same one as him. 100 00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:55,720 Jeremy Hunt was upset. 101 00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:57,480 What was he upset about? 102 00:05:57,480 --> 00:06:00,120 He's not Chancellor any more. 103 00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:02,720 It is funny watching all the former Chancellors saying, 104 00:06:02,720 --> 00:06:06,280 "This Budget, I mean, it really isn't very good." 105 00:06:06,280 --> 00:06:07,720 Liz Truss! 106 00:06:08,840 --> 00:06:12,120 She did, she criticised the Budget, and you thought, 107 00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:14,560 look, the country's still standing. 108 00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:18,640 A day later! It's a good Budget. 109 00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:21,160 APPLAUSE 110 00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:27,880 On the day of the Budget, Labour released a report by...? 111 00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:31,640 The OBR. The OBR. That's right. The Office for Budget Responsibility 112 00:06:31,640 --> 00:06:34,160 that blames the previous Conservative government 113 00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:36,280 for covering up Jeremy Hunt's black hole, 114 00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:40,920 which kind of sounds a bit rude, doesn't it? 115 00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:45,040 Speaking on financial-related, inherited black holes, 116 00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:49,200 there is one issue that politicians, well, most sensible ones, 117 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:52,960 have danced around, but a couple doubled down on foolishly. 118 00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:56,200 Now I have some opinions on the situation due to some 119 00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:58,680 of my affiliations, but if you'll pardon me. 120 00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:02,760 Reparations. 121 00:07:02,760 --> 00:07:05,760 Now... APPLAUSE 122 00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:15,440 If you're Irish, Scottish, Welsh, Polish or from Birmingham, 123 00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:18,920 you're exempt. But the rest of you, 124 00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:21,360 drop me my piece. 125 00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:24,760 Right. I'll get my purse in a minute, all right? 126 00:07:24,760 --> 00:07:29,160 Now, what did former egghead and useless Chancellor Kwasi Kwarteng 127 00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:30,800 say about the Budget? 128 00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:34,160 I think he said, "My Budget wasn't perfect." 129 00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:38,640 It was the understatement of this or any other century. 130 00:07:38,640 --> 00:07:40,600 Then he added "but," didn't he? 131 00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:42,920 And then he went on to criticise this Budget. 132 00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:45,400 He called it naked class war. 133 00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:47,640 That does sound fun! 134 00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:50,320 I mean, if there's going to be a class war... 135 00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:52,160 Might as well be naked. 136 00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:58,640 How is this all affecting Keir Starmer's popularity? 137 00:07:58,640 --> 00:07:59,960 It's plummeted. 138 00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:02,480 After the election, he had a rating of... 139 00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:05,960 And let's all try and guess now what his rating is. 140 00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:07,320 Minus 42. 141 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:08,640 You're not far off, actually. 142 00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:10,360 I think it's minus 38. Minus 38. 143 00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:12,400 Brilliant. And apparently it's the biggest drop 144 00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:15,040 in favourability ratings ever recorded. 145 00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:17,280 If you're going to do something, do it well. At least he's 146 00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:18,920 number one at something, right? 147 00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:25,040 At least one Labour MP has been connecting with the voters. 148 00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:26,400 Who's that? 149 00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:28,560 My guy! 150 00:08:28,560 --> 00:08:30,800 Don't call him Mike. Call him Iron Mike. 151 00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:32,880 I like that. 152 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:36,680 He showed more integrity than anyone we've seen in Labour recently. 153 00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:38,480 Because, if you watch again, 154 00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:41,800 you will see every single punch was thrown from the left. 155 00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:46,080 APPLAUSE 156 00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:53,640 He is indeed Battlin' Mike Amesbury, the MP for Runcorn and Helsby, 157 00:08:53,640 --> 00:08:57,960 and he had an altercation with a constituent at chucking-out time, 158 00:08:57,960 --> 00:09:01,760 which was apparently about the forthcoming closure of... 159 00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:12,360 So, understandably, feelings were running high. 160 00:09:13,680 --> 00:09:17,480 And while all this was going on, who was finally knighted? 161 00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:18,760 Gavin Williamson? 162 00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:20,440 Indeed. Yes, it was. 163 00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:22,640 The former Education Secretary. 164 00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:24,960 Obviously very popular. 165 00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:27,960 He presided over the exams fiasco during Covid. 166 00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:31,600 Sacked as Defence Secretary after a series of leaks. 167 00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:35,000 And once mixed up footballer Marcus Rashford 168 00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:38,080 and rugby player Maro Itoje. 169 00:09:38,080 --> 00:09:39,600 Er... 170 00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:42,720 I got mistaken once for...anyway, never mind... 171 00:09:42,720 --> 00:09:44,200 Was it for me?! 172 00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:47,800 I mean, we're both Nigerian. That would make sense! 173 00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:54,000 Who nominated him for this? Was this a Boris nomination 174 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:55,320 or Liz Truss? 175 00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:56,640 Boris, apparently. 176 00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:58,280 Oh, is it Boris? Yeah. 177 00:09:58,280 --> 00:10:01,640 Oh, right, OK. Well, that's something else to blame him for. 178 00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:05,000 I expect it will appear in his book. Copies still on sale... 179 00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:12,720 What's it called, again? 180 00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:18,000 It's called, um... 181 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:19,160 Unleashed, right? 182 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:20,480 No, Unsold. 183 00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:27,720 So, this is the first Labour Budget in 14 years. 184 00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:31,480 One controversial move was to raise the cap on single bus fares 185 00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:33,360 from £2 to £3. 186 00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:36,480 What the Government don't seem to realise is that a lot of people 187 00:10:36,480 --> 00:10:39,840 have to use buses, especially if they've bought a train ticket. 188 00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:49,720 Also this week, Education Secretary Bridget Phillipson has discussed 189 00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:53,080 the possibility of introducing a smacking ban. 190 00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:56,360 Sadly, too late to stop a fellow MP doing it in the street. 191 00:10:58,360 --> 00:11:02,120 OK, Paul and Tom, have a look at this. 192 00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:04,200 Right. Yes. 193 00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:06,320 There we are. 194 00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:09,440 It looks like she's laughing at him. So we're very close now. 195 00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:12,320 Bye-bye, democracy! Yes. Watch it burn! 196 00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:14,280 And the mystery guest is... 197 00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:15,840 Hello. 198 00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:19,640 That's where he's been for the last six months. 199 00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:24,040 Um, yes, It's the American election. 200 00:11:24,040 --> 00:11:25,760 The polls are very close. 201 00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:29,480 It seems unbelievable from this side of the Atlantic, but there we are. 202 00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:33,560 Trump had a fairly disastrous or brilliant rally, 203 00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:36,640 depending on who you're listening to, at Madison Square Garden. 204 00:11:36,640 --> 00:11:39,320 People seem to be getting depressed by this American election. 205 00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:42,280 Yeah. I mean, I say just enjoy it. There's not going to be another one. 206 00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:47,640 Mmm. Just get involved, really drink it in. Absolutely. 207 00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:51,760 The rallies had quite contrasting styles. Let's have a look. 208 00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:53,960 God is good. God is good. 209 00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:58,400 Good morning. Please have a seat, everybody. 210 00:11:58,400 --> 00:11:59,440 Please have a seat. 211 00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:11,400 GENTLE PIANO MUSIC 212 00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:15,800 LOUD ROCK MUSIC 213 00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:17,640 Oh! 214 00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:23,600 You might be seated in the presence of God. 215 00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:27,880 We must crush jihad! 216 00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:33,320 Those aren't the worst bits. 217 00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:37,960 This is a balanced selection of BBC footage showing compassion, caring, 218 00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:40,080 Christian virtues and mad people. 219 00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:45,920 APPLAUSE 220 00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:50,320 In proper BBC fashion, we're not saying which is which. 221 00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:51,960 No. 222 00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:56,000 He was just trying to stage, like, a normal Nazi rally, 223 00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:59,480 and then he got in a real pickle because someone said something 224 00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:02,520 completely inappropriate about Puerto Rico, 225 00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:04,560 calling it a floating island of garbage. 226 00:13:04,560 --> 00:13:07,120 Yeah, let's just see the clip. 227 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:09,280 I don't know if you guys know this, but there's literally 228 00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:13,200 a floating island of garbage in the middle of the ocean right now. 229 00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:15,360 Yeah. I think it's called Puerto Rico. 230 00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:18,880 OK. All right. 231 00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:21,400 Stormed it. 232 00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:23,720 Joe Biden has come back and accidentally said, 233 00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,800 well, his supporters are garbage. 234 00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:27,920 But, I mean, this is a guy who is no longer in the race 235 00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:30,840 because he got Zelensky and Putin the wrong way round, 236 00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:33,840 which if you're sending $150 billion of weapons to one of them, 237 00:13:33,840 --> 00:13:37,320 you've got to get that exactly right. And, and... 238 00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:38,640 APPLAUSE 239 00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:44,000 We are now in a situation whereby the free world depends 240 00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:48,840 on whether or not Joe Biden said "supporters" or "supporter's." 241 00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:50,760 Yeah, they're adding in an apostrophe. 242 00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:53,600 Yeah. Is it the plural or the possessive noun? 243 00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:56,680 America decides, and we all suffer the consequences. 244 00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:58,960 Do we want to see Biden's comments? 245 00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:01,840 I mean, we might as well if you got it, yeah. Yeah. Got it. Yeah. 246 00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:05,080 And just the other day, a speaker at his rally called Puerto Rico 247 00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:07,280 a floating island of garbage. 248 00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:08,800 Well, let me tell you something. 249 00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:12,760 I don't, I don't know the Puerto Rican that, that I know, 250 00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:16,200 or Puerto Rico, where I'm, in my home state of Delaware, 251 00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:18,440 are good, decent, honourable people. 252 00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:21,920 The only garbage I see floating out there is his supporters. 253 00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:23,240 Oh. 254 00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:25,000 Did you hear the apostrophe? 255 00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:27,280 You've got to listen really carefully. 256 00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:31,160 Yeah. In an attempt to emphasise that he was speaking 257 00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:35,400 about a comedian, Biden's team issued a transcript of his remarks, 258 00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:40,480 inserting an apostrophe between the R and S of supporters. 259 00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:44,600 The incident has simultaneously infuriated grammar Nazis 260 00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:47,760 and delighted actual Nazis. 261 00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:50,640 And all he had to do was shut up. 262 00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:52,960 I mean, it's incredible that his only contribution 263 00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:57,840 will have been to win the election for the other side. 264 00:14:57,840 --> 00:15:02,200 Yeah, but, I mean, it's pretty mild compared to what Trump's guys 265 00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:04,760 have been saying. I mean, at the rally, there was a guy 266 00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:07,520 that said very strongly that Kamala Harris was the devil. 267 00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:10,920 Yeah. And Trump complained because people have been comparing him 268 00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:14,560 to Hitler, having forgotten that his own vice presidential candidate 269 00:15:14,560 --> 00:15:16,240 compared him to Hitler. 270 00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:17,680 Yeah. 271 00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:21,920 Now, Trump also brought this person onstage at his rally. 272 00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:23,760 Do you know who she is? 273 00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:41,280 make 'em stay there 274 00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:44,000 cos I never been defeated 275 00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:51,080 As one of the late-night comics in America said, 276 00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:53,040 "Can you imagine Trump saying to his wife, 277 00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:54,680 "'Melania, this is my lawyer'"? 278 00:15:56,720 --> 00:15:58,000 Absolutely. 279 00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:00,280 What a surprise that Donald Trump's lawyer has got a lot 280 00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:02,720 to smile about - a lot of work. 281 00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:04,560 Did you hear the song that she came out to? 282 00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:06,640 Yes, it's about winning... Tune, bruv. 283 00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:08,960 Yes, it's called... 284 00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:11,560 Yeah, but she's lost loads of cases. 285 00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:13,560 Yeah, but there isn't a track called 286 00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:18,320 And They Were Overturned By The Supreme Court Which You Stuffed Full Of Judges. 287 00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:21,200 It's on the B side. Oh, is it? 288 00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:23,960 Oh...let's pop back to Joe Biden for a bit. 289 00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:26,480 What's he been doing for Halloween? 290 00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:30,440 What? 291 00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:33,200 He's been biting a baby's leg. 292 00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:35,400 Um... 293 00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:36,880 It's a tradition. 294 00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:38,640 No, the baby's dressed up as a chicken. 295 00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:40,880 He's an old man. He... 296 00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:42,640 He understandably... 297 00:16:42,640 --> 00:16:44,440 APPLAUSE 298 00:16:46,640 --> 00:16:50,960 Who's Kamala Harris supposedly struggling to reach? 299 00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:52,360 Women. Is it women? 300 00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:53,400 Men? 301 00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:57,000 Everyone. Young men. 302 00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:58,320 Old women. 303 00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:02,040 Small children dressed as chickens. 304 00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:05,840 Young people... Yes. 305 00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:08,680 ..who are more likely to be undecided voters. 306 00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:12,040 Although here she is at her recent rally, 307 00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:15,240 appealing to her more youthful supporters. 308 00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:19,080 And I see all our leaders, our young leaders here as well. 309 00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:27,840 Now, how did the singing of the American national anthem 310 00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:30,880 cause controversy at a political debate this week? 311 00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:33,280 Somebody was drunk. I can't remember who it was. 312 00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:35,360 A female singer, but she was, she was a bit drunk and she swore. 313 00:17:35,360 --> 00:17:37,040 Yes, indeed. Do you want to have a look? 314 00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:38,480 Yeah, go on, then. 315 00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:44,080 I BLEEPED that. I BLEEPED it up. 316 00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:46,120 Can I go back? Can I go back, please? 317 00:17:46,120 --> 00:17:47,480 We're live. 318 00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:52,680 I got too nervous. 319 00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:56,640 That is the American national anthem. 320 00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:57,920 The guy had his hand on his heart. 321 00:17:57,920 --> 00:18:00,160 He should have had his hand over his ears. 322 00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:02,960 So, this is the 2024 US election. 323 00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:06,440 Donald Trump is threatening to introduce the death penalty 324 00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:10,080 for certain immigrants found guilty of killing an American citizen. 325 00:18:10,080 --> 00:18:13,040 Mainly to stop Melania putting a pillow over his face. 326 00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:18,320 And, according to analysis, over the past few years, 327 00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:20,600 Trump's speeches have become... 328 00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:29,320 Sounds like me at Christmas. 329 00:18:29,320 --> 00:18:30,880 Erm... 330 00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:35,640 Donald Trump has been emphasising his personal belief in God, 331 00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:38,680 and recently posted the following message. 332 00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:43,120 Yeah, "I've broken all of them." 333 00:18:44,320 --> 00:18:46,640 Exactly. I think that there is a catch, 334 00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:48,520 he sees them more as a to-do list. 335 00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:49,920 Erm... 336 00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:52,440 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 337 00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:53,880 Er... 338 00:18:53,880 --> 00:18:56,040 APPLAUSE 339 00:18:56,040 --> 00:18:58,200 I wanted to point something out here. Next to my monitor, 340 00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:00,800 there's a little rat, or a mouse. 341 00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:02,520 What? This has got nothing to do with the... 342 00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:04,080 Look, here we are, look... 343 00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:09,520 I didn't put it there. 344 00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:13,560 And, erm, it doesn't look well. 345 00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:15,680 It's got nothing to do with the programme. 346 00:19:15,680 --> 00:19:17,120 Erm, if somebody can tell you 347 00:19:17,120 --> 00:19:19,160 via your earpiece, what it's doing there, 348 00:19:19,160 --> 00:19:21,360 I'd be very grateful. OK. 349 00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:23,560 It's been there for about three series now. 350 00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:29,440 But I never found an opportunity before to bring it up. 351 00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:31,920 Apparently, could you pop it on the floor, 352 00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:33,840 so it's out of shot? No. 353 00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:37,200 LAUGHTER 354 00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:43,520 And so to Round Two. 355 00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:46,520 And, as it's Halloween, it's the Cauldron Of News. 356 00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:49,600 Is this a vape? Yeah. 357 00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:52,160 I'm going to be giving my cauldron a stir, 358 00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:54,440 and you've got to identify what comes out of it. 359 00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:57,080 Fingers on buzzers, teams. 360 00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:00,080 BUZZER 361 00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:02,440 Paul? Yes, so this is something about Christmas 362 00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:04,120 arriving earlier and earlier, 363 00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:07,360 and in about ten years' time, it will be continually Christmas. 364 00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:12,080 Do you know what this phenomenon is known as? 365 00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:13,600 Christmas creep. 366 00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:16,520 It is indeed. Shall we see an example of Christmas creep? 367 00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:18,200 Yuletide year-long. 368 00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:19,480 Whoa! 369 00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:22,840 Oh, I'm sorry I ruined your Christmas creep, Jo. 370 00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:24,840 Don't worry. I couldn't give a shit. 371 00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:27,080 Anyway... LAUGHTER 372 00:20:27,080 --> 00:20:29,720 That's the spirit of Christmas! 373 00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:31,600 Can you tell me any examples, 374 00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:34,360 any actual examples, of Christmas creep? 375 00:20:34,360 --> 00:20:36,960 Well, supermarkets have started displaying Christmas goods. 376 00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:39,680 Indeed. Mince pies - have a guess when they went out. 377 00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:41,320 September 24th. 378 00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:43,840 September 7th, so not far off. 379 00:20:43,840 --> 00:20:45,000 Wow. Wow. 380 00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:47,600 And Christmas markets are also opening earlier and earlier, 381 00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:50,400 as this graph from the Guardian demonstrates. 382 00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:56,120 If anyone can actually work out what's going on there, 383 00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:57,640 that would be immensely kind. 384 00:20:57,640 --> 00:21:00,480 When did Birmingham get renamed Birmingham Frankfurt? 385 00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:06,720 Wasn't Brexit meant to end that sort of thing? 386 00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:10,360 Now, does anyone know where 387 00:21:10,360 --> 00:21:14,000 has Christmas literally come early this year? 388 00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:15,640 In Lapland. 389 00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:17,640 Think South American country. 390 00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:19,720 Brazil. Begins with V. 391 00:21:19,720 --> 00:21:21,960 Venezuela. Yes, indeed. 392 00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:24,800 Authoritarian President Nicolas Maduro 393 00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:27,440 brought Christmas forward to the 1st of October this year, 394 00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:29,560 declaring on television... 395 00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:34,440 And the aim is to distract 396 00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:37,400 the country from protests against his dubious election victory 397 00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:39,200 and the fact that... 398 00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:47,880 Merry Christmas! 399 00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:51,600 Obviously, it was Halloween this week. 400 00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:54,560 Do you remember the boy who made a Halloween costume 401 00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:57,280 out of 340 Yorkshire puddings? 402 00:21:57,280 --> 00:21:59,840 Yes, he was on the other week, wasn't he? We had a picture. 403 00:21:59,840 --> 00:22:01,360 He was indeed. What's he done now? 404 00:22:01,360 --> 00:22:02,800 Well, let's have a look at him and his dad 405 00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:04,880 on This Morning this week. 406 00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:06,360 Here we go. 407 00:22:06,360 --> 00:22:08,960 The Monster Mash by Bobby Pickett 408 00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:11,200 Oh, hey! 409 00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:13,880 OK, guys. Hi, there. Can you see me? 410 00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:15,560 Let me bring you round. 411 00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:17,600 How are you, darling? Fine, thank you. 412 00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:19,200 Oh, you're very greasy, aren't you? 413 00:22:22,560 --> 00:22:24,440 Why is he wearing shorts? 414 00:22:24,440 --> 00:22:26,720 That's the only question you've got to ask? 415 00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:29,040 LAUGHTER 416 00:22:29,040 --> 00:22:32,800 I don't mind the costume, but the chap's wearing shorts! 417 00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:35,440 Shouldn't he be reported for battering his kid? 418 00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:39,600 Hey! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 419 00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:44,120 It used to be All Hallows' Even. 420 00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:48,800 Yes, that's right. And it was just a very low-key ceremony. Yeah. 421 00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:52,600 Well, when I was at school, it certainly was. 422 00:22:52,600 --> 00:22:54,040 Yeah, it was. Yeah. 423 00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:56,080 "Any boys got any dead parents?" 424 00:22:56,080 --> 00:22:57,800 LAUGHTER 425 00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:01,360 "There will be a service in the crypt, 6.30. 426 00:23:01,360 --> 00:23:02,800 "All Hallows' Even." 427 00:23:02,800 --> 00:23:04,680 You think I'm joking! 428 00:23:06,560 --> 00:23:09,800 I think you're losing it. I don't know what you're talking about. 429 00:23:09,800 --> 00:23:13,560 What has the Royal College of Surgeons advised against doing 430 00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:15,080 this Halloween? 431 00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:17,720 Dressing your kid as a Yorkshire pudding. 432 00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:19,400 Not specifically. 433 00:23:19,400 --> 00:23:22,080 What they've done is they've told people that instead of 434 00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:25,760 giving trick or treaters sweets, they should give children... 435 00:23:28,920 --> 00:23:32,120 Here's one sticker that was spotted in Australia this week. 436 00:23:37,440 --> 00:23:38,960 There we are! 437 00:23:43,480 --> 00:23:46,120 This is the phenomenon known as Christmas creep. 438 00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:49,040 Apparently, there is so much Christmas food in the supermarkets 439 00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:52,880 already that there's barely any room on the shelves for Easter eggs. 440 00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:57,760 CLANKING 441 00:23:59,040 --> 00:24:02,320 No-one knew I had a wooden coil until that fell out. 442 00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:10,600 We seem to be plagued by props. I've got a rat, you've got a spoon. 443 00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:12,720 Let's hit the rat with the spoon! 444 00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:16,520 Come on, then. 445 00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:18,240 Are you ready? 446 00:24:18,240 --> 00:24:19,840 CHEERING 447 00:24:24,600 --> 00:24:28,600 Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's your next one. 448 00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:30,840 PAUL CHUCKLES 449 00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:32,560 BUZZER 450 00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:35,680 Generation Z, as I believe they're called, 451 00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:39,080 apparently don't know how to queue at the bar. 452 00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:41,200 Or rather, they do know how to queue at the bar, 453 00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:43,800 they don't know that you're not MEANT to queue at the bar. 454 00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:46,880 And, apparently, they're doing it because they learnt 455 00:24:46,880 --> 00:24:49,200 how to do it in the pandemic, 456 00:24:49,200 --> 00:24:50,520 when that's what you did, 457 00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:52,560 and they don't know how to do any different. 458 00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:54,720 Are you telling me that young people today don't know 459 00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:57,120 how to approach a bar to get a drink? 460 00:24:57,120 --> 00:24:59,240 This can't be a true story, surely. 461 00:24:59,240 --> 00:25:02,000 They don't line up along the bar and jostle any more. 462 00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:04,480 They stand in a proper queue. 463 00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:06,200 Isn't that to be applauded? 464 00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:07,800 It got us through the Blitz. 465 00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:12,320 Let's just have a look at a handy diagram from The Telegraph. 466 00:25:12,320 --> 00:25:15,120 Oh, right. Yeah, this'll explain everything. 467 00:25:15,120 --> 00:25:16,600 OK? 468 00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:20,800 Sorry, I'm a non-pub-goer, so I genuinely don't know. 469 00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:22,560 So who has right of way? 470 00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:25,520 The person who knows the barman. 471 00:25:25,520 --> 00:25:27,680 The most attractive person. Yeah. 472 00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:30,600 Well, I mean, there's one person who's in both queues. 473 00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:33,240 One's got his hands out. Like, he's got his arms out 474 00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:35,280 like he's got no hands. 475 00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:37,840 I can't believe that this is a true story. No. 476 00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:40,080 Well, in the old days... Yeah. Which... 477 00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:42,920 Define the old days. To Ian, that means the 13th century. 478 00:25:44,720 --> 00:25:46,360 At a pinch. Yeah. 479 00:25:46,360 --> 00:25:48,600 If you had the plague, you'd get free drinks. 480 00:25:50,120 --> 00:25:51,200 "Pork scratchings?" 481 00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:53,280 "Nah, touch of the bubonic, I'm afraid." 482 00:25:57,800 --> 00:25:59,840 There's a topical joke for you! Yeah! 483 00:26:01,520 --> 00:26:03,320 Well, the Daily Star said... 484 00:26:09,640 --> 00:26:11,240 APPLAUSE 485 00:26:11,240 --> 00:26:13,600 If you take the risk of queuing all the way out the door, 486 00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:16,040 you might find your local MP punches your lights out. You've got 487 00:26:16,040 --> 00:26:17,640 to be careful. Exactly. 488 00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:19,480 On the subject of naughty behaviour, 489 00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:21,840 would you like to see a police chase in Brazil? 490 00:26:21,840 --> 00:26:25,120 Yeah. Oh, yes, that's the main reason why I came here tonight. 491 00:26:25,120 --> 00:26:26,840 Here we go, then. 492 00:26:26,840 --> 00:26:28,160 Oh, this looks good. 493 00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:30,960 Yeah, go on. 494 00:26:33,840 --> 00:26:38,120 LAUGHTER 495 00:26:38,120 --> 00:26:39,760 Surely... 496 00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:56,120 After a while, you'd think they'd probably forget 497 00:26:56,120 --> 00:26:58,480 who's chasing who! 498 00:26:58,480 --> 00:27:01,600 Gen Z are being told they shouldn't queue in pubs, 499 00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:04,320 but jostle with everyone in the traditional manner. 500 00:27:04,320 --> 00:27:06,760 I have to say that people have always queued up 501 00:27:06,760 --> 00:27:08,240 at my local Wetherspoons, 502 00:27:08,240 --> 00:27:11,680 although mainly to get in at eight o'clock in the morning. 503 00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:14,400 Time now for the Odd One Out round. 504 00:27:14,400 --> 00:27:15,840 Ian and Nabil, 505 00:27:15,840 --> 00:27:18,160 your four are Rishi Sunak, 506 00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:20,240 AI Michael Parkinson, 507 00:27:20,240 --> 00:27:23,080 Martin Carroll, from Stratford-upon-Avon, 508 00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:25,840 and a tomato factory in Suffolk. 509 00:27:25,840 --> 00:27:28,000 They're all AI-generated. 510 00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:30,880 Michael Parkinson's been AI-generated this week. 511 00:27:30,880 --> 00:27:32,240 Mmm. Yes. 512 00:27:32,240 --> 00:27:34,240 Rishi Sunak - revealed to be a robot. 513 00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:40,320 And those tomatoes are an illusion. 514 00:27:42,720 --> 00:27:45,360 It's to do with identifying them. 515 00:27:45,360 --> 00:27:48,240 What did Keir Starmer call Rishi Sunak? 516 00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:50,600 He called him Prime Minister. That's right. 517 00:27:50,600 --> 00:27:53,720 Cos Keir can't get used to the idea that he's Prime Minister. 518 00:27:54,880 --> 00:27:57,440 Which is shared by some other people. 519 00:27:57,440 --> 00:27:59,480 They've all been wrongly identified. 520 00:27:59,480 --> 00:28:01,640 Yes. Michael Parkinson's the odd one out. 521 00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:03,560 You're right, Paul. Yeah. 522 00:28:03,560 --> 00:28:07,120 They've all been wrongly identified, except AI Michael Parkinson, 523 00:28:07,120 --> 00:28:10,200 who's so realistic, he's been clearly labelled 524 00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:13,440 as AI Michael Parkinson... Yes. ..to avoid confusion. 525 00:28:13,440 --> 00:28:15,320 And he's going to be... 526 00:28:18,560 --> 00:28:20,120 That's creepy. The BBC really 527 00:28:20,120 --> 00:28:22,600 will do anything to avoid commissioning new formats, 528 00:28:22,600 --> 00:28:24,400 won't they? 529 00:28:24,400 --> 00:28:27,040 Here he is talking to the Today programme. 530 00:28:27,040 --> 00:28:29,360 Good morning to listeners of the Today programme 531 00:28:29,360 --> 00:28:33,200 and, actually, all the listeners of BBC Radio 4. 532 00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:34,880 This is Michael Parkinson, 533 00:28:34,880 --> 00:28:39,440 or at least a version of me in this rather curious AI form. 534 00:28:39,440 --> 00:28:41,680 Yeah, if you didn't know that that was AI, 535 00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:44,400 you would never have thought it wasn't him. 536 00:28:44,400 --> 00:28:47,240 After presenting his chat show for several years on the BBC, 537 00:28:47,240 --> 00:28:50,400 Michael Parkinson interviewed a range of celebrities, 538 00:28:50,400 --> 00:28:52,880 including Billy Connolly, Muhammad Ali, 539 00:28:52,880 --> 00:28:55,160 Billy Connolly, Helen Mirren, Billy Connolly... 540 00:28:55,160 --> 00:28:56,840 LAUGHTER 541 00:28:56,840 --> 00:28:59,360 Er, Billy Connolly and, most memorably, Emu. 542 00:28:59,360 --> 00:29:02,240 Erm... Billy Connolly was on that episode of Parkinson, 543 00:29:02,240 --> 00:29:05,160 and apparently at the end of the show, as the Emu approached him, 544 00:29:05,160 --> 00:29:07,480 Billy Connolly said... "If it comes near me, 545 00:29:07,480 --> 00:29:10,360 "I'm going to break his neck and your arm." 546 00:29:10,360 --> 00:29:13,680 Why he said it in a South African accent, nobody knows. 547 00:29:13,680 --> 00:29:16,880 Nobody knows the answer to that. It's a mystery. 548 00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:20,280 Can anyone guess what the one question every guest will be asked, 549 00:29:20,280 --> 00:29:21,960 without fail, is? 550 00:29:21,960 --> 00:29:24,280 No. OK, well, it's... 551 00:29:26,880 --> 00:29:29,000 Unlike Good Morning Britain, where Ed Balls' guests 552 00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:32,000 are asked what it's like to be interviewed by a nonentity. 553 00:29:34,840 --> 00:29:39,000 Who has Rishi Sunak been wrongly identified as? 554 00:29:39,000 --> 00:29:40,520 You did say. 555 00:29:40,520 --> 00:29:42,400 Romesh Ranganathan. 556 00:29:42,400 --> 00:29:45,120 LAUGHTER 557 00:29:45,120 --> 00:29:46,560 That'd be more fun. 558 00:29:46,560 --> 00:29:49,200 According to some people, me, Big Zuu and Big Narstie 559 00:29:49,200 --> 00:29:50,920 are all the same person. 560 00:29:52,040 --> 00:29:54,120 There's one black guy that's not on a diet, 561 00:29:54,120 --> 00:29:55,640 that's different shapes. 562 00:29:57,440 --> 00:29:58,800 Let's have a look. 563 00:29:58,800 --> 00:30:01,560 But it's a legal decision, not a policy decision. 564 00:30:01,560 --> 00:30:03,920 And the Prime Minister... 565 00:30:03,920 --> 00:30:06,200 The Prime Minister knows the framework. 566 00:30:06,200 --> 00:30:07,800 It requires serious consideration. 567 00:30:07,800 --> 00:30:10,360 And those... And the Prime Minister knows the legal framework. 568 00:30:10,360 --> 00:30:12,720 He knows the legal framework very well. 569 00:30:12,720 --> 00:30:16,360 It's the same test for all licences, as the Prime Minister knows. 570 00:30:16,360 --> 00:30:18,040 I don't think the Prime Minister 571 00:30:18,040 --> 00:30:20,400 is really inviting me to put that to one side. 572 00:30:20,400 --> 00:30:22,800 We have to... HUBBUB 573 00:30:22,800 --> 00:30:24,920 Er, the Leader of the Opposition. 574 00:30:27,120 --> 00:30:28,880 Idiot. Ah. 575 00:30:28,880 --> 00:30:31,040 There we go. Keir Starmer was also wrongly identified 576 00:30:31,040 --> 00:30:33,080 by ten million voters, 577 00:30:33,080 --> 00:30:36,120 who thought he'd be a competent leader. 578 00:30:36,120 --> 00:30:40,280 Now, who has this man been wrongly identified as? 579 00:30:40,280 --> 00:30:41,800 He looks like Rick Wakeman. 580 00:30:41,800 --> 00:30:43,400 But that's got nothing to do with it, has it? 581 00:30:43,400 --> 00:30:45,080 Well, you're in the right sphere. Oh. 582 00:30:45,080 --> 00:30:47,640 Music, we're talking about. Right. But it's not Rick Wakeman. 583 00:30:47,640 --> 00:30:48,920 Oh, is he Elvis? 584 00:30:49,920 --> 00:30:52,200 What about the audience? Anyone? 585 00:30:52,200 --> 00:30:55,000 Paul Weller. Paul Weller. Oh, yeah! That's right. 586 00:30:55,000 --> 00:30:57,080 Is it actually him? No. No. 587 00:30:57,080 --> 00:30:59,240 No. It wouldn't be much of a story if Paul Weller 588 00:30:59,240 --> 00:31:02,560 had been identified as Paul Weller. 589 00:31:02,560 --> 00:31:04,200 Even on a slow news day. 590 00:31:05,440 --> 00:31:07,760 So, let's have a look at Paul Weller. Yeah. 591 00:31:07,760 --> 00:31:09,640 Yeah, there we go. 592 00:31:09,640 --> 00:31:12,280 I think he was given a free breakfast in a cafe in Wolverhampton 593 00:31:12,280 --> 00:31:14,920 because he looked like Paul Weller but wasn't Paul Weller. 594 00:31:14,920 --> 00:31:17,080 Wow! It was in Wolverhampton. 595 00:31:17,080 --> 00:31:18,840 He was actually out for a curry, 596 00:31:18,840 --> 00:31:22,280 and he was approached eight times for an autograph and... 597 00:31:29,680 --> 00:31:32,280 ..and instead they put this on Facebook. 598 00:31:34,800 --> 00:31:36,880 "The legend Paul Weller here dining tonight 599 00:31:36,880 --> 00:31:39,000 "just before performing at the halls. 600 00:31:39,000 --> 00:31:41,760 "Such an amazing gentleman." 601 00:31:41,760 --> 00:31:43,120 Look at his face! 602 00:31:46,440 --> 00:31:50,400 LAUGHTER 603 00:31:50,400 --> 00:31:53,240 A spokesperson for the restaurant told the Star... 604 00:31:59,640 --> 00:32:02,080 While one waitress said... 605 00:32:05,760 --> 00:32:09,080 APPLAUSE 606 00:32:09,080 --> 00:32:12,080 And finally, what was a tomato factory in Suffolk 607 00:32:12,080 --> 00:32:13,480 mistaken for this week? 608 00:32:13,480 --> 00:32:15,120 A tomato factory in Norfolk. 609 00:32:16,840 --> 00:32:18,040 A brothel. 610 00:32:19,480 --> 00:32:20,680 Er, no. 611 00:32:20,680 --> 00:32:23,320 Dee Harrison, from Ipswich, 612 00:32:23,320 --> 00:32:25,080 was driving to work last Wednesday morning. 613 00:32:25,080 --> 00:32:27,520 Oh, yes! She thought she was seeing the Northern Lights. 614 00:32:27,520 --> 00:32:30,600 That's right. And it turned out to be the glow from the tomato factory. 615 00:32:34,400 --> 00:32:37,120 Here it is. Let's have look at a picture. 616 00:32:37,120 --> 00:32:40,240 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 617 00:32:40,240 --> 00:32:43,280 Apparently, Specsavers have genuinely now given her 618 00:32:43,280 --> 00:32:47,840 a free trip to Iceland to see the real Northern Lights. 619 00:32:47,840 --> 00:32:50,120 But she's gone to the local freezer centre instead. 620 00:32:52,520 --> 00:32:54,400 They've all been wrongly identified, 621 00:32:54,400 --> 00:32:57,800 except for AI Michael Parkinson, who's so realistic 622 00:32:57,800 --> 00:33:00,240 he's been clearly labelled, to avoid confusion. 623 00:33:00,240 --> 00:33:04,320 Broadcasters are concerned about the ethical, moral and financial risk 624 00:33:04,320 --> 00:33:06,440 posed by the use of AI presenters. 625 00:33:06,440 --> 00:33:08,920 It's a particular worry for BBC News bosses, 626 00:33:08,920 --> 00:33:12,480 who are still reeling from the ethical, moral and financial risk 627 00:33:12,480 --> 00:33:14,480 caused by their human presenters. 628 00:33:15,760 --> 00:33:18,040 And here is the impressive glow 629 00:33:18,040 --> 00:33:20,720 from the Blakemore tomato factory. Yeah. 630 00:33:20,720 --> 00:33:22,480 Such a spectacular sight that, 631 00:33:22,480 --> 00:33:25,600 as we speak, thousands of Norwegians are currently trying 632 00:33:25,600 --> 00:33:28,040 to book a scenic cruise to Ipswich. 633 00:33:29,200 --> 00:33:31,040 OK, Paul and Tom, 634 00:33:31,040 --> 00:33:34,680 your four are Margaret Thatcher, Kamala Harris, 635 00:33:34,680 --> 00:33:36,200 Wallace & Gromit, 636 00:33:36,200 --> 00:33:37,880 and Neal's Yard. 637 00:33:37,880 --> 00:33:39,680 Well, the Neal's Yard story 638 00:33:39,680 --> 00:33:42,800 is probably the key to this, because they were subject to 639 00:33:42,800 --> 00:33:44,680 a gigantic fraud. 640 00:33:44,680 --> 00:33:46,400 Somebody set up a fake company 641 00:33:46,400 --> 00:33:48,160 and Neal's Yard Dairy 642 00:33:48,160 --> 00:33:51,440 delivered I think, like, £300,000 worth of cheese 643 00:33:51,440 --> 00:33:53,080 to be exported abroad 644 00:33:53,080 --> 00:33:57,760 and it turned out the company didn't exist and the cheese has... 645 00:33:57,760 --> 00:33:58,800 ..disappeared. 646 00:34:00,160 --> 00:34:03,000 Honestly, I wouldn't make it up! 647 00:34:03,000 --> 00:34:05,320 I think they've now arrested the Neal's Yard Dairy guy 648 00:34:05,320 --> 00:34:08,240 and he's 63, which is surprisingly mature for a cheese thief. 649 00:34:08,240 --> 00:34:10,680 LAUGHTER 650 00:34:13,280 --> 00:34:16,080 Wallace & Gromit went to the moon with the intention 651 00:34:16,080 --> 00:34:17,760 of stealing cheese. 652 00:34:17,760 --> 00:34:19,440 Margaret Thatcher stole some milk. 653 00:34:19,440 --> 00:34:22,480 Margaret Thatcher Milk Snatcher, which was a popular phrase 654 00:34:22,480 --> 00:34:24,800 back in the early '70s. Chant. Chant. She cut it. 655 00:34:24,800 --> 00:34:27,080 Yeah, she stopped school milk, didn't she? Yeah. 656 00:34:27,080 --> 00:34:28,840 Erm, Kamala Harris, 657 00:34:28,840 --> 00:34:30,680 I don't know if she's got any cheese connections. 658 00:34:30,680 --> 00:34:33,600 Well, she has not ever stolen cheese but she is about to have 659 00:34:33,600 --> 00:34:37,040 an election stolen from her by a block of Red Leicester, so... 660 00:34:38,920 --> 00:34:42,600 APPLAUSE 661 00:34:42,600 --> 00:34:45,080 So, we'll say Kamala Harris is the odd one out. 662 00:34:45,080 --> 00:34:46,440 Cut to the chase. No. 663 00:34:46,440 --> 00:34:47,960 No, she isn't. Anyway... 664 00:34:47,960 --> 00:34:50,560 Well, apparently they've all been accused of taking away 665 00:34:50,560 --> 00:34:52,680 dairy products, except for Neal's Yard... 666 00:34:52,680 --> 00:34:55,640 Ah, yes. ..who've had their cheese stolen. Yes, very good. 667 00:34:55,640 --> 00:34:57,000 22 tonnes of Cheddar... 668 00:34:58,880 --> 00:35:01,560 ..but never paid up after it was delivered. 669 00:35:01,560 --> 00:35:04,440 And sometimes you just hear something so awful 670 00:35:04,440 --> 00:35:06,480 you don't how to react. 671 00:35:06,480 --> 00:35:09,920 We import two thirds of our cheese. 672 00:35:12,120 --> 00:35:15,040 That is a disgrace! 673 00:35:15,040 --> 00:35:16,960 LAUGHTER 674 00:35:19,720 --> 00:35:22,880 I think she speaks for us all. 675 00:35:22,880 --> 00:35:25,360 Sarah Stewart, who's the managing director of Neal's Yard, 676 00:35:25,360 --> 00:35:27,040 said that the fraudster... 677 00:35:32,760 --> 00:35:34,960 "I don't have the, how do you say, invoice 678 00:35:34,960 --> 00:35:39,200 "right now but if you front me, I've good on it, huh?" 679 00:35:39,200 --> 00:35:42,160 What theory, do you know, has emerged about the possible culprit? 680 00:35:42,160 --> 00:35:44,080 I thought they'd been arrested. 681 00:35:44,080 --> 00:35:46,000 Yeah, somebody has been arrested. 682 00:35:46,000 --> 00:35:49,320 Well, it could be the Russians, apparently. The Times reports 683 00:35:49,320 --> 00:35:52,960 that rumours are rampant within the cheese community... Yes! 684 00:35:52,960 --> 00:35:56,080 ..that the fraudster may have been part of a... 685 00:35:59,680 --> 00:36:02,400 The police are yet to comment, but I think the gang could have 686 00:36:02,400 --> 00:36:04,600 link to the KG-Brie! 687 00:36:07,320 --> 00:36:11,200 Now, Wallace & Gromit... Yeah. ..they travelled to the moon. 688 00:36:11,200 --> 00:36:12,800 They ended up, apparently, 689 00:36:12,800 --> 00:36:14,400 angering a local... 690 00:36:16,640 --> 00:36:19,120 Coincidentally, coin-operated gas cookers 691 00:36:19,120 --> 00:36:20,600 are another Labour policy 692 00:36:20,600 --> 00:36:22,240 pensioners can look forward to. 693 00:36:25,160 --> 00:36:28,320 Did we come to a conclusion about why Kamala Harris 694 00:36:28,320 --> 00:36:30,800 is a supposed threat to dairy? 695 00:36:30,800 --> 00:36:32,160 We don't know. 696 00:36:32,160 --> 00:36:33,800 Well, Donald Trump has claimed 697 00:36:33,800 --> 00:36:36,640 that the Democrats want to get rid of cows... Oh, yes, that's right. 698 00:36:36,640 --> 00:36:38,320 ..as part of their environmental plans 699 00:36:38,320 --> 00:36:39,960 to reduce greenhouse gas emissions. 700 00:36:39,960 --> 00:36:42,080 Yeah. The bastards! 701 00:36:43,120 --> 00:36:44,760 He said... 702 00:36:49,360 --> 00:36:51,480 Let's have a look at him talking to a six-year-old 703 00:36:51,480 --> 00:36:53,360 about his favourite farm animal. 704 00:36:53,360 --> 00:36:56,160 My name is Briar. I'm six years old. 705 00:36:56,160 --> 00:36:59,360 I live on a farm in Massachusetts. 706 00:36:59,360 --> 00:37:01,800 What's your favourite farm animal? 707 00:37:01,800 --> 00:37:03,400 Favourite farm animal. 708 00:37:05,920 --> 00:37:07,800 I tell you what I love. 709 00:37:07,800 --> 00:37:09,240 I love cows. 710 00:37:09,240 --> 00:37:10,840 But if we go with Kamala, 711 00:37:10,840 --> 00:37:13,600 you won't have any cows any more... 712 00:37:13,600 --> 00:37:16,960 I don't want to ruin this kid's day. 713 00:37:16,960 --> 00:37:20,600 I love cows. I think they're so cute and so beautiful 714 00:37:20,600 --> 00:37:23,280 and so productive. But according to Kamala, 715 00:37:23,280 --> 00:37:25,360 who's a radical left lunatic, 716 00:37:25,360 --> 00:37:27,680 you will not have any cows any more, 717 00:37:27,680 --> 00:37:29,000 so we have to vote her out. 718 00:37:29,000 --> 00:37:31,080 If you like cows, you have to vote... 719 00:37:31,080 --> 00:37:34,440 These poor sods sitting around pretending to find him funny! 720 00:37:34,440 --> 00:37:37,280 Surely no TV career's worth that? 721 00:37:37,280 --> 00:37:39,120 LAUGHTER 722 00:37:40,840 --> 00:37:43,360 APPLAUSE 723 00:37:46,840 --> 00:37:49,800 They've all been accused of taking away dairy products. 724 00:37:49,800 --> 00:37:51,080 Except for Neal's Yard, 725 00:37:51,080 --> 00:37:52,760 who have had their cheese stolen. 726 00:37:52,760 --> 00:37:56,280 It's thought the 22 tonnes of cheese was stolen to order. 727 00:37:56,280 --> 00:37:58,800 They originally wanted 20 tonnes but were told, 728 00:37:58,800 --> 00:38:02,040 "It's a little bit over, is that all right?" 729 00:38:02,040 --> 00:38:03,720 Thatcher's removal of free milk 730 00:38:03,720 --> 00:38:05,360 for the over-sevens led to 731 00:38:05,360 --> 00:38:06,400 a common chant of... 732 00:38:09,160 --> 00:38:11,720 And school kids were soon worried that they're free yoghurt 733 00:38:11,720 --> 00:38:13,200 was also under threat 734 00:38:13,200 --> 00:38:14,760 from junior minister 735 00:38:14,760 --> 00:38:16,640 Brian Boghurt. 736 00:38:20,920 --> 00:38:24,080 Margaret Thatcher didn't physically 737 00:38:24,080 --> 00:38:26,040 take the milk away from school pupils, 738 00:38:26,040 --> 00:38:28,080 she just looked at it till it curdled. 739 00:38:29,800 --> 00:38:32,920 Time now for the Missing Words round, which this week features 740 00:38:32,920 --> 00:38:35,120 as its guest publication Subterranea, 741 00:38:35,120 --> 00:38:38,120 The Magazine Of Subterranea Britannica, 742 00:38:38,120 --> 00:38:42,080 the society for fans of man-made underground structures. 743 00:38:42,080 --> 00:38:44,240 And we start with... 744 00:38:47,120 --> 00:38:49,280 Oh, I know this one. It's sarcasm. 745 00:38:50,480 --> 00:38:52,240 Just say, "Hello, Beaky." 746 00:38:52,240 --> 00:38:54,320 Yeah. "Oi, Beaky." 747 00:38:55,480 --> 00:38:57,520 I had hand-jobs, but I thought it said randy. 748 00:38:57,520 --> 00:38:59,520 I've only just noticed it says "rowdy". 749 00:39:11,240 --> 00:39:14,160 Are they taking the contraception, the locals? 750 00:39:14,160 --> 00:39:16,200 "This will stop the seagulls." 751 00:39:20,480 --> 00:39:22,600 The contraceptive pill scheme 752 00:39:22,600 --> 00:39:26,480 is already used to control pigeons in... 753 00:39:26,480 --> 00:39:29,000 Really? But not in Rome, cos the Pope won't allow it. 754 00:39:31,240 --> 00:39:32,680 Next one. 755 00:39:38,400 --> 00:39:40,240 This is worth knowing, isn't it? 756 00:39:41,760 --> 00:39:44,000 Aubergine. It's not aubergine. 757 00:39:44,000 --> 00:39:46,040 Is it pampas grass? 758 00:39:47,600 --> 00:39:50,080 Oh, you've heard about that one, have you? 759 00:39:51,880 --> 00:39:54,000 Upside-down peppers. 760 00:39:57,080 --> 00:39:59,640 What, before they leave the supermarket, is this? 761 00:39:59,640 --> 00:40:02,000 "Meet you in the car park?" 762 00:40:02,000 --> 00:40:03,880 Five positions or less. 763 00:40:05,440 --> 00:40:07,280 Would you be prepared to experiment 764 00:40:07,280 --> 00:40:08,760 for all of us? Yeah, all right. 765 00:40:08,760 --> 00:40:11,080 I'll have to clear it with the wife, obviously. 766 00:40:11,080 --> 00:40:12,600 Fair enough. 767 00:40:12,600 --> 00:40:13,960 Next one. 768 00:40:19,520 --> 00:40:23,240 It subsided, revealing a vast Roman amphitheatre. 769 00:40:23,240 --> 00:40:24,760 Yeah. 770 00:40:24,760 --> 00:40:27,800 I think that's right. It collapsed to reveal a subterranean nirvana. 771 00:40:38,600 --> 00:40:40,640 Holy shit! 772 00:40:40,640 --> 00:40:42,840 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 773 00:40:42,840 --> 00:40:44,520 Hey, hey! 774 00:40:48,000 --> 00:40:49,440 OK, next. 775 00:40:53,320 --> 00:40:55,040 Reversing the onset of puberty. 776 00:40:57,920 --> 00:40:59,680 No. Hiring out a Labrador. 777 00:40:59,680 --> 00:41:01,160 He did something in the garden. 778 00:41:01,160 --> 00:41:02,520 Oh, dirty devil! 779 00:41:03,800 --> 00:41:07,120 He dug an underground bunker over six years. 780 00:41:08,200 --> 00:41:10,720 Was he still a teenager when he finished it? 781 00:41:10,720 --> 00:41:13,080 I don't fucking know! Anyway... 782 00:41:14,560 --> 00:41:17,520 You don't get that on University Challenge, do you? No! 783 00:41:17,520 --> 00:41:19,480 The 14-year-old got into an argument 784 00:41:19,480 --> 00:41:21,920 with his parents when they wouldn't let him go into town 785 00:41:21,920 --> 00:41:23,400 wearing a tracksuit. 786 00:41:23,400 --> 00:41:25,480 The teenager said the project 787 00:41:25,480 --> 00:41:27,400 helped him unwind in the evenings, 788 00:41:27,400 --> 00:41:30,960 after school, when he would work by hand several times a week. 789 00:41:30,960 --> 00:41:34,080 Um, but that's teenage boys for you. 790 00:41:34,080 --> 00:41:35,120 Next... 791 00:41:39,080 --> 00:41:41,320 That's got to be nouvelle cuisine, isn't it? 792 00:41:45,440 --> 00:41:46,640 Right. 793 00:41:46,640 --> 00:41:50,600 Delia Smith said a lot of modern dishes resemble a fancy smear. 794 00:41:50,600 --> 00:41:52,000 Hmm. A friend of mine once had 795 00:41:52,000 --> 00:41:54,320 a fancy smear. Turns out she sprayed 796 00:41:54,320 --> 00:41:56,120 Chanel No 5 instead of Femfresh. 797 00:41:57,640 --> 00:41:59,480 Now, finally... 798 00:42:01,960 --> 00:42:03,240 Pensioner calls local rugby club 799 00:42:03,240 --> 00:42:05,640 to volunteer his services as a player. 800 00:42:05,640 --> 00:42:07,320 It might be a lady pensioner. 801 00:42:07,320 --> 00:42:10,040 Oh. Calls rugby club to offer her services as a hooker. 802 00:42:20,880 --> 00:42:22,120 Oh! 803 00:42:22,120 --> 00:42:23,600 She was 86 years old, 804 00:42:23,600 --> 00:42:26,240 she was called Angela Robinson, and called the rugby club for help 805 00:42:26,240 --> 00:42:29,760 when her TV remote got stuck down the side of her armchair. 806 00:42:29,760 --> 00:42:32,560 Yeah. So, Mrs Robinson, if you're watching tonight, 807 00:42:32,560 --> 00:42:34,760 you've lost the remote again, haven't you? 808 00:42:36,760 --> 00:42:38,320 And the final scores are - 809 00:42:38,320 --> 00:42:39,920 Ian and Nabil have three, 810 00:42:39,920 --> 00:42:41,840 and Paul and Tom have eight. 811 00:42:41,840 --> 00:42:44,520 Oh, well done. Yeah. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 812 00:42:47,080 --> 00:42:49,360 On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, 813 00:42:49,360 --> 00:42:52,160 Ian Hislop and Nabil Abdulrashid, 814 00:42:52,160 --> 00:42:54,080 Paul Merton and Tom Peck. 815 00:42:54,080 --> 00:42:56,640 And I leave you with the news that, in Runcorn, 816 00:42:56,640 --> 00:43:00,200 one local regrets asking Labour MP Mike Amesbury 817 00:43:00,200 --> 00:43:01,960 how gardening leave is going. 818 00:43:06,200 --> 00:43:08,800 There's a surprise for Good Morning Britain viewers 819 00:43:08,800 --> 00:43:10,840 as a stray camera gives us a glimpse 820 00:43:10,840 --> 00:43:13,920 under Susanna Reid and Richard Madeley's desk. 821 00:43:17,640 --> 00:43:21,440 And, in Penzance, after yet another ship is lured onto the rocks, 822 00:43:21,440 --> 00:43:25,000 local estate agents regret selling the house with the sea view 823 00:43:25,000 --> 00:43:26,920 to Ann Widdecombe. 824 00:43:28,760 --> 00:43:30,120 Goodnight! 825 00:43:30,120 --> 00:43:32,480 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE