Thank you, you've taken minutes off me.
LAUGHTER
She's going back to Madam Tussauds!
This programme contains some strong language
I told you to wait in the van!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.
I'm Jo Brand.
In the news this week,
after Mike Amesbury loses the Labour whip
for fighting with a constituent,
Nigel Farage approaches him to join Reform,
but isn't taking any chances.
Yes, sure.
LAUGHTER
On the first day of filming for his new open-air cooking show,
Jamie Oliver regrets showing off with his opening link.
Whee!
Whee...
And at Zito's, the barman hears that Angela Rayner and a friend
are just a couple of minutes away.
On Ian's team tonight is a stand-up comedian
who once got chased by a crocodile.
Nothing to be ashamed of, we've all done panto.
Please welcome Nabil Abdulrashid.
APPLAUSE
On Paul's team tonight is a journalist who, in his spare time,
drinks in a pub he's built in his own back garden.
You do realise you can just go for a walk
to avoid your family, don't you?
Please welcome Tom Peck.
APPLAUSE
We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
Ian and Nabil, take a look at this.
That's the Budget. That box was black.
It's been dyed.
That's money. We haven't got any left.
And, oh, he's using a tool and he's making...
They're retraining.
Yes. This is the Budget, which seems to have been coming
for about the last ten years, but it's out today.
And people were incredibly shocked, because it's... The Labour Party
are in power and they've tried to redistribute some wealth.
Unbelievable!
I mean, you could have blown me away with a feather.
Um, Tom was there.
You sat through it all. I was there, yep.
Tell the grandkids I was there.
Can't leave them any money but they will have the anecdote
and I'm sure that's what they would rather have.
It wasn't that bad. I mean, bus fares are more expensive,
but pints are cheaper.
CHEERING
Which means... Yes? ..the night buses are going to be less crowded,
but the people on it will be drunker.
So, black hole well and truly filled?
22 billion black hole.
Now it turns out you need 40 billion to fill it.
Well, now you've got to add on the VAT, the labour, parts.
These go up and up and up.
And they inherited the black hole from the Tories. Of course.
So you've got to pay tax on that as well now.
Now, politicians love a three-word mantra, don't they?
Blair's "Education, education, education."
Boris's "Build, build, build."
Liz Truss's "Wibble, wibble, wibble."
What was Rachel's?
The word she said the most, which was really
an act of gross torment,
was, "finally".
She said "finally" 12 times.
Once, after 15 minutes,
and there was still an hour and ten to go.
That's cruel. Very cruel.
It was...
It was supposed to be part of Labour's strategy for growth,
but what was in the Budget that a lot of people complained
would stunt growth?
Was this the National Insurance on employers' contributions?
Indeed. People are debating whether, um, putting this tax on employers
will just be passed straight on to employees by the employers.
But that suggests a lot of employers are not responsible, generous,
kind and caring. And many of us are.
So we'll be sucking it up ourselves.
It's a good trick if you can do it.
You'd never leave the house, would you?
Labour got hung up, didn't they, on what counts as a working person.
Yes. Now, does anyone here say they're not a working person?
I'm not sure my mother ever thought this was a job. I mean...
But you make it look like one.
It's hard work. It is hard work.
I mean, you must be quite upset, Ian, on behalf of all those non-doms
who are going to lose their tax break?
Yes. I mean, I'm just devastated.
The idea that Lord Rothermere, the owner of the Mail,
may lose his non-dom status. I mean, it's gutting.
What sort of country do we live in?
Not the same one as him.
Jeremy Hunt was upset.
What was he upset about?
He's not Chancellor any more.
It is funny watching all the former Chancellors saying,
"This Budget, I mean, it really isn't very good."
Liz Truss!
She did, she criticised the Budget, and you thought,
look, the country's still standing.
A day later! It's a good Budget.
APPLAUSE
On the day of the Budget, Labour released a report by...?
The OBR. The OBR. That's right. The Office for Budget Responsibility
that blames the previous Conservative government
for covering up Jeremy Hunt's black hole,
which kind of sounds a bit rude, doesn't it?
Speaking on financial-related, inherited black holes,
there is one issue that politicians, well, most sensible ones,
have danced around, but a couple doubled down on foolishly.
Now I have some opinions on the situation due to some
of my affiliations, but if you'll pardon me.
Reparations.
Now... APPLAUSE
If you're Irish, Scottish, Welsh, Polish or from Birmingham,
you're exempt. But the rest of you,
drop me my piece.
Right. I'll get my purse in a minute, all right?
Now, what did former egghead and useless Chancellor Kwasi Kwarteng
say about the Budget?
I think he said, "My Budget wasn't perfect."
It was the understatement of this or any other century.
Then he added "but," didn't he?
And then he went on to criticise this Budget.
He called it naked class war.
That does sound fun!
I mean, if there's going to be a class war...
Might as well be naked.
How is this all affecting Keir Starmer's popularity?
It's plummeted.
After the election, he had a rating of...
And let's all try and guess now what his rating is.
Minus 42.
You're not far off, actually.
I think it's minus 38. Minus 38.
Brilliant. And apparently it's the biggest drop
in favourability ratings ever recorded.
If you're going to do something, do it well. At least he's
number one at something, right?
At least one Labour MP has been connecting with the voters.
Who's that?
My guy!
Don't call him Mike. Call him Iron Mike.
I like that.
He showed more integrity than anyone we've seen in Labour recently.
Because, if you watch again,
you will see every single punch was thrown from the left.
APPLAUSE
He is indeed Battlin' Mike Amesbury, the MP for Runcorn and Helsby,
and he had an altercation with a constituent at chucking-out time,
which was apparently about the forthcoming closure of...
So, understandably, feelings were running high.
And while all this was going on, who was finally knighted?
Gavin Williamson?
Indeed. Yes, it was.
The former Education Secretary.
Obviously very popular.
He presided over the exams fiasco during Covid.
Sacked as Defence Secretary after a series of leaks.
And once mixed up footballer Marcus Rashford
and rugby player Maro Itoje.
Er...
I got mistaken once for...anyway, never mind...
Was it for me?!
I mean, we're both Nigerian. That would make sense!
Who nominated him for this? Was this a Boris nomination
or Liz Truss?
Boris, apparently.
Oh, is it Boris? Yeah.
Oh, right, OK. Well, that's something else to blame him for.
I expect it will appear in his book. Copies still on sale...
What's it called, again?
It's called, um...
Unleashed, right?
No, Unsold.
So, this is the first Labour Budget in 14 years.
One controversial move was to raise the cap on single bus fares
from £2 to £3.
What the Government don't seem to realise is that a lot of people
have to use buses, especially if they've bought a train ticket.
Also this week, Education Secretary Bridget Phillipson has discussed
the possibility of introducing a smacking ban.
Sadly, too late to stop a fellow MP doing it in the street.
OK, Paul and Tom, have a look at this.
Right. Yes.
There we are.
It looks like she's laughing at him. So we're very close now.
Bye-bye, democracy! Yes. Watch it burn!
And the mystery guest is...
Hello.
That's where he's been for the last six months.
Um, yes, It's the American election.
The polls are very close.
It seems unbelievable from this side of the Atlantic, but there we are.
Trump had a fairly disastrous or brilliant rally,
depending on who you're listening to, at Madison Square Garden.
People seem to be getting depressed by this American election.
Yeah. I mean, I say just enjoy it. There's not going to be another one.
Mmm. Just get involved, really drink it in. Absolutely.
The rallies had quite contrasting styles. Let's have a look.
God is good. God is good.
Good morning. Please have a seat, everybody.
Please have a seat.
GENTLE PIANO MUSIC
LOUD ROCK MUSIC
Oh!
You might be seated in the presence of God.
We must crush jihad!
Those aren't the worst bits.
This is a balanced selection of BBC footage showing compassion, caring,
Christian virtues and mad people.
APPLAUSE
In proper BBC fashion, we're not saying which is which.
No.
He was just trying to stage, like, a normal Nazi rally,
and then he got in a real pickle because someone said something
completely inappropriate about Puerto Rico,
calling it a floating island of garbage.
Yeah, let's just see the clip.
I don't know if you guys know this, but there's literally
a floating island of garbage in the middle of the ocean right now.
Yeah. I think it's called Puerto Rico.
OK. All right.
Stormed it.
Joe Biden has come back and accidentally said,
well, his supporters are garbage.
But, I mean, this is a guy who is no longer in the race
because he got Zelensky and Putin the wrong way round,
which if you're sending $150 billion of weapons to one of them,
you've got to get that exactly right. And, and...
APPLAUSE
We are now in a situation whereby the free world depends
on whether or not Joe Biden said "supporters" or "supporter's."
Yeah, they're adding in an apostrophe.
Yeah. Is it the plural or the possessive noun?
America decides, and we all suffer the consequences.
Do we want to see Biden's comments?
I mean, we might as well if you got it, yeah. Yeah. Got it. Yeah.
And just the other day, a speaker at his rally called Puerto Rico
a floating island of garbage.
Well, let me tell you something.
I don't, I don't know the Puerto Rican that, that I know,
or Puerto Rico, where I'm, in my home state of Delaware,
are good, decent, honourable people.
The only garbage I see floating out there is his supporters.
Oh.
Did you hear the apostrophe?
You've got to listen really carefully.
Yeah. In an attempt to emphasise that he was speaking
about a comedian, Biden's team issued a transcript of his remarks,
inserting an apostrophe between the R and S of supporters.
The incident has simultaneously infuriated grammar Nazis
and delighted actual Nazis.
And all he had to do was shut up.
I mean, it's incredible that his only contribution
will have been to win the election for the other side.
Yeah, but, I mean, it's pretty mild compared to what Trump's guys
have been saying. I mean, at the rally, there was a guy
that said very strongly that Kamala Harris was the devil.
Yeah. And Trump complained because people have been comparing him
to Hitler, having forgotten that his own vice presidential candidate
compared him to Hitler.
Yeah.
Now, Trump also brought this person onstage at his rally.
Do you know who she is?
make 'em stay there
cos I never been defeated
As one of the late-night comics in America said,
"Can you imagine Trump saying to his wife,
"'Melania, this is my lawyer'"?
Absolutely.
What a surprise that Donald Trump's lawyer has got a lot
to smile about - a lot of work.
Did you hear the song that she came out to?
Yes, it's about winning... Tune, bruv.
Yes, it's called...
Yeah, but she's lost loads of cases.
Yeah, but there isn't a track called
And They Were Overturned By The Supreme Court Which You Stuffed Full Of Judges.
It's on the B side. Oh, is it?
Oh...let's pop back to Joe Biden for a bit.
What's he been doing for Halloween?
What?
He's been biting a baby's leg.
Um...
It's a tradition.
No, the baby's dressed up as a chicken.
He's an old man. He...
He understandably...
APPLAUSE
Who's Kamala Harris supposedly struggling to reach?
Women. Is it women?
Men?
Everyone. Young men.
Old women.
Small children dressed as chickens.
Young people... Yes.
..who are more likely to be undecided voters.
Although here she is at her recent rally,
appealing to her more youthful supporters.
And I see all our leaders, our young leaders here as well.
Now, how did the singing of the American national anthem
cause controversy at a political debate this week?
Somebody was drunk. I can't remember who it was.
A female singer, but she was, she was a bit drunk and she swore.
Yes, indeed. Do you want to have a look?
Yeah, go on, then.
I BLEEPED that. I BLEEPED it up.
Can I go back? Can I go back, please?
We're live.
I got too nervous.
That is the American national anthem.
The guy had his hand on his heart.
He should have had his hand over his ears.
So, this is the 2024 US election.
Donald Trump is threatening to introduce the death penalty
for certain immigrants found guilty of killing an American citizen.
Mainly to stop Melania putting a pillow over his face.
And, according to analysis, over the past few years,
Trump's speeches have become...
Sounds like me at Christmas.
Erm...
Donald Trump has been emphasising his personal belief in God,
and recently posted the following message.
Yeah, "I've broken all of them."
Exactly. I think that there is a catch,
he sees them more as a to-do list.
Erm...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Er...
APPLAUSE
I wanted to point something out here. Next to my monitor,
there's a little rat, or a mouse.
What? This has got nothing to do with the...
Look, here we are, look...
I didn't put it there.
And, erm, it doesn't look well.
It's got nothing to do with the programme.
Erm, if somebody can tell you
via your earpiece, what it's doing there,
I'd be very grateful. OK.
It's been there for about three series now.
But I never found an opportunity before to bring it up.
Apparently, could you pop it on the floor,
so it's out of shot? No.
LAUGHTER
And so to Round Two.
And, as it's Halloween, it's the Cauldron Of News.
Is this a vape? Yeah.
I'm going to be giving my cauldron a stir,
and you've got to identify what comes out of it.
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
BUZZER
Paul? Yes, so this is something about Christmas
arriving earlier and earlier,
and in about ten years' time, it will be continually Christmas.
Do you know what this phenomenon is known as?
Christmas creep.
It is indeed. Shall we see an example of Christmas creep?
Yuletide year-long.
Whoa!
Oh, I'm sorry I ruined your Christmas creep, Jo.
Don't worry. I couldn't give a shit.
Anyway... LAUGHTER
That's the spirit of Christmas!
Can you tell me any examples,
any actual examples, of Christmas creep?
Well, supermarkets have started displaying Christmas goods.
Indeed. Mince pies - have a guess when they went out.
September 24th.
September 7th, so not far off.
Wow. Wow.
And Christmas markets are also opening earlier and earlier,
as this graph from the Guardian demonstrates.
If anyone can actually work out what's going on there,
that would be immensely kind.
When did Birmingham get renamed Birmingham Frankfurt?
Wasn't Brexit meant to end that sort of thing?
Now, does anyone know where
has Christmas literally come early this year?
In Lapland.
Think South American country.
Brazil. Begins with V.
Venezuela. Yes, indeed.
Authoritarian President Nicolas Maduro
brought Christmas forward to the 1st of October this year,
declaring on television...
And the aim is to distract
the country from protests against his dubious election victory
and the fact that...
Merry Christmas!
Obviously, it was Halloween this week.
Do you remember the boy who made a Halloween costume
out of 340 Yorkshire puddings?
Yes, he was on the other week, wasn't he? We had a picture.
He was indeed. What's he done now?
Well, let's have a look at him and his dad
on This Morning this week.
Here we go.
The Monster Mash by Bobby Pickett
Oh, hey!
OK, guys. Hi, there. Can you see me?
Let me bring you round.
How are you, darling? Fine, thank you.
Oh, you're very greasy, aren't you?
Why is he wearing shorts?
That's the only question you've got to ask?
LAUGHTER
I don't mind the costume, but the chap's wearing shorts!
Shouldn't he be reported for battering his kid?
Hey! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
It used to be All Hallows' Even.
Yes, that's right. And it was just a very low-key ceremony. Yeah.
Well, when I was at school, it certainly was.
Yeah, it was. Yeah.
"Any boys got any dead parents?"
LAUGHTER
"There will be a service in the crypt, 6.30.
"All Hallows' Even."
You think I'm joking!
I think you're losing it. I don't know what you're talking about.
What has the Royal College of Surgeons advised against doing
this Halloween?
Dressing your kid as a Yorkshire pudding.
Not specifically.
What they've done is they've told people that instead of
giving trick or treaters sweets, they should give children...
Here's one sticker that was spotted in Australia this week.
There we are!
This is the phenomenon known as Christmas creep.
Apparently, there is so much Christmas food in the supermarkets
already that there's barely any room on the shelves for Easter eggs.
CLANKING
No-one knew I had a wooden coil until that fell out.
We seem to be plagued by props. I've got a rat, you've got a spoon.
Let's hit the rat with the spoon!
Come on, then.
Are you ready?
CHEERING
Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's your next one.
PAUL CHUCKLES
BUZZER
Generation Z, as I believe they're called,
apparently don't know how to queue at the bar.
Or rather, they do know how to queue at the bar,
they don't know that you're not MEANT to queue at the bar.
And, apparently, they're doing it because they learnt
how to do it in the pandemic,
when that's what you did,
and they don't know how to do any different.
Are you telling me that young people today don't know
how to approach a bar to get a drink?
This can't be a true story, surely.
They don't line up along the bar and jostle any more.
They stand in a proper queue.
Isn't that to be applauded?
It got us through the Blitz.
Let's just have a look at a handy diagram from The Telegraph.
Oh, right. Yeah, this'll explain everything.
OK?
Sorry, I'm a non-pub-goer, so I genuinely don't know.
So who has right of way?
The person who knows the barman.
The most attractive person. Yeah.
Well, I mean, there's one person who's in both queues.
One's got his hands out. Like, he's got his arms out
like he's got no hands.
I can't believe that this is a true story. No.
Well, in the old days... Yeah. Which...
Define the old days. To Ian, that means the 13th century.
At a pinch. Yeah.
If you had the plague, you'd get free drinks.
"Pork scratchings?"
"Nah, touch of the bubonic, I'm afraid."
There's a topical joke for you! Yeah!
Well, the Daily Star said...
APPLAUSE
If you take the risk of queuing all the way out the door,
you might find your local MP punches your lights out. You've got
to be careful. Exactly.
On the subject of naughty behaviour,
would you like to see a police chase in Brazil?
Yeah. Oh, yes, that's the main reason why I came here tonight.
Here we go, then.
Oh, this looks good.
Yeah, go on.
LAUGHTER
Surely...
After a while, you'd think they'd probably forget
who's chasing who!
Gen Z are being told they shouldn't queue in pubs,
but jostle with everyone in the traditional manner.
I have to say that people have always queued up
at my local Wetherspoons,
although mainly to get in at eight o'clock in the morning.
Time now for the Odd One Out round.
Ian and Nabil,
your four are Rishi Sunak,
AI Michael Parkinson,
Martin Carroll, from Stratford-upon-Avon,
and a tomato factory in Suffolk.
They're all AI-generated.
Michael Parkinson's been AI-generated this week.
Mmm. Yes.
Rishi Sunak - revealed to be a robot.
And those tomatoes are an illusion.
It's to do with identifying them.
What did Keir Starmer call Rishi Sunak?
He called him Prime Minister. That's right.
Cos Keir can't get used to the idea that he's Prime Minister.
Which is shared by some other people.
They've all been wrongly identified.
Yes. Michael Parkinson's the odd one out.
You're right, Paul. Yeah.
They've all been wrongly identified, except AI Michael Parkinson,
who's so realistic, he's been clearly labelled
as AI Michael Parkinson... Yes. ..to avoid confusion.
And he's going to be...
That's creepy. The BBC really
will do anything to avoid commissioning new formats,
won't they?
Here he is talking to the Today programme.
Good morning to listeners of the Today programme
and, actually, all the listeners of BBC Radio 4.
This is Michael Parkinson,
or at least a version of me in this rather curious AI form.
Yeah, if you didn't know that that was AI,
you would never have thought it wasn't him.
After presenting his chat show for several years on the BBC,
Michael Parkinson interviewed a range of celebrities,
including Billy Connolly, Muhammad Ali,
Billy Connolly, Helen Mirren, Billy Connolly...
LAUGHTER
Er, Billy Connolly and, most memorably, Emu.
Erm... Billy Connolly was on that episode of Parkinson,
and apparently at the end of the show, as the Emu approached him,
Billy Connolly said... "If it comes near me,
"I'm going to break his neck and your arm."
Why he said it in a South African accent, nobody knows.
Nobody knows the answer to that. It's a mystery.
Can anyone guess what the one question every guest will be asked,
without fail, is?
No. OK, well, it's...
Unlike Good Morning Britain, where Ed Balls' guests
are asked what it's like to be interviewed by a nonentity.
Who has Rishi Sunak been wrongly identified as?
You did say.
Romesh Ranganathan.
LAUGHTER
That'd be more fun.
According to some people, me, Big Zuu and Big Narstie
are all the same person.
There's one black guy that's not on a diet,
that's different shapes.
Let's have a look.
But it's a legal decision, not a policy decision.
And the Prime Minister...
The Prime Minister knows the framework.
It requires serious consideration.
And those... And the Prime Minister knows the legal framework.
He knows the legal framework very well.
It's the same test for all licences, as the Prime Minister knows.
I don't think the Prime Minister
is really inviting me to put that to one side.
We have to... HUBBUB
Er, the Leader of the Opposition.
Idiot. Ah.
There we go. Keir Starmer was also wrongly identified
by ten million voters,
who thought he'd be a competent leader.
Now, who has this man been wrongly identified as?
He looks like Rick Wakeman.
But that's got nothing to do with it, has it?
Well, you're in the right sphere. Oh.
Music, we're talking about. Right. But it's not Rick Wakeman.
Oh, is he Elvis?
What about the audience? Anyone?
Paul Weller. Paul Weller. Oh, yeah! That's right.
Is it actually him? No. No.
No. It wouldn't be much of a story if Paul Weller
had been identified as Paul Weller.
Even on a slow news day.
So, let's have a look at Paul Weller. Yeah.
Yeah, there we go.
I think he was given a free breakfast in a cafe in Wolverhampton
because he looked like Paul Weller but wasn't Paul Weller.
Wow! It was in Wolverhampton.
He was actually out for a curry,
and he was approached eight times for an autograph and...
..and instead they put this on Facebook.
"The legend Paul Weller here dining tonight
"just before performing at the halls.
"Such an amazing gentleman."
Look at his face!
LAUGHTER
A spokesperson for the restaurant told the Star...
While one waitress said...
APPLAUSE
And finally, what was a tomato factory in Suffolk
mistaken for this week?
A tomato factory in Norfolk.
A brothel.
Er, no.
Dee Harrison, from Ipswich,
was driving to work last Wednesday morning.
Oh, yes! She thought she was seeing the Northern Lights.
That's right. And it turned out to be the glow from the tomato factory.
Here it is. Let's have look at a picture.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Apparently, Specsavers have genuinely now given her
a free trip to Iceland to see the real Northern Lights.
But she's gone to the local freezer centre instead.
They've all been wrongly identified,
except for AI Michael Parkinson, who's so realistic
he's been clearly labelled, to avoid confusion.
Broadcasters are concerned about the ethical, moral and financial risk
posed by the use of AI presenters.
It's a particular worry for BBC News bosses,
who are still reeling from the ethical, moral and financial risk
caused by their human presenters.
And here is the impressive glow
from the Blakemore tomato factory. Yeah.
Such a spectacular sight that,
as we speak, thousands of Norwegians are currently trying
to book a scenic cruise to Ipswich.
OK, Paul and Tom,
your four are Margaret Thatcher, Kamala Harris,
Wallace & Gromit,
and Neal's Yard.
Well, the Neal's Yard story
is probably the key to this, because they were subject to
a gigantic fraud.
Somebody set up a fake company
and Neal's Yard Dairy
delivered I think, like, £300,000 worth of cheese
to be exported abroad
and it turned out the company didn't exist and the cheese has...
..disappeared.
Honestly, I wouldn't make it up!
I think they've now arrested the Neal's Yard Dairy guy
and he's 63, which is surprisingly mature for a cheese thief.
LAUGHTER
Wallace & Gromit went to the moon with the intention
of stealing cheese.
Margaret Thatcher stole some milk.
Margaret Thatcher Milk Snatcher, which was a popular phrase
back in the early '70s. Chant. Chant. She cut it.
Yeah, she stopped school milk, didn't she? Yeah.
Erm, Kamala Harris,
I don't know if she's got any cheese connections.
Well, she has not ever stolen cheese but she is about to have
an election stolen from her by a block of Red Leicester, so...
APPLAUSE
So, we'll say Kamala Harris is the odd one out.
Cut to the chase. No.
No, she isn't. Anyway...
Well, apparently they've all been accused of taking away
dairy products, except for Neal's Yard...
Ah, yes. ..who've had their cheese stolen. Yes, very good.
22 tonnes of Cheddar...
..but never paid up after it was delivered.
And sometimes you just hear something so awful
you don't how to react.
We import two thirds of our cheese.
That is a disgrace!
LAUGHTER
I think she speaks for us all.
Sarah Stewart, who's the managing director of Neal's Yard,
said that the fraudster...
"I don't have the, how do you say, invoice
"right now but if you front me, I've good on it, huh?"
What theory, do you know, has emerged about the possible culprit?
I thought they'd been arrested.
Yeah, somebody has been arrested.
Well, it could be the Russians, apparently. The Times reports
that rumours are rampant within the cheese community... Yes!
..that the fraudster may have been part of a...
The police are yet to comment, but I think the gang could have
link to the KG-Brie!
Now, Wallace & Gromit... Yeah. ..they travelled to the moon.
They ended up, apparently,
angering a local...
Coincidentally, coin-operated gas cookers
are another Labour policy
pensioners can look forward to.
Did we come to a conclusion about why Kamala Harris
is a supposed threat to dairy?
We don't know.
Well, Donald Trump has claimed
that the Democrats want to get rid of cows... Oh, yes, that's right.
..as part of their environmental plans
to reduce greenhouse gas emissions.
Yeah. The bastards!
He said...
Let's have a look at him talking to a six-year-old
about his favourite farm animal.
My name is Briar. I'm six years old.
I live on a farm in Massachusetts.
What's your favourite farm animal?
Favourite farm animal.
I tell you what I love.
I love cows.
But if we go with Kamala,
you won't have any cows any more...
I don't want to ruin this kid's day.
I love cows. I think they're so cute and so beautiful
and so productive. But according to Kamala,
who's a radical left lunatic,
you will not have any cows any more,
so we have to vote her out.
If you like cows, you have to vote...
These poor sods sitting around pretending to find him funny!
Surely no TV career's worth that?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
They've all been accused of taking away dairy products.
Except for Neal's Yard,
who have had their cheese stolen.
It's thought the 22 tonnes of cheese was stolen to order.
They originally wanted 20 tonnes but were told,
"It's a little bit over, is that all right?"
Thatcher's removal of free milk
for the over-sevens led to
a common chant of...
And school kids were soon worried that they're free yoghurt
was also under threat
from junior minister
Brian Boghurt.
Margaret Thatcher didn't physically
take the milk away from school pupils,
she just looked at it till it curdled.
Time now for the Missing Words round, which this week features
as its guest publication Subterranea,
The Magazine Of Subterranea Britannica,
the society for fans of man-made underground structures.
And we start with...
Oh, I know this one. It's sarcasm.
Just say, "Hello, Beaky."
Yeah. "Oi, Beaky."
I had hand-jobs, but I thought it said randy.
I've only just noticed it says "rowdy".
Are they taking the contraception, the locals?
"This will stop the seagulls."
The contraceptive pill scheme
is already used to control pigeons in...
Really? But not in Rome, cos the Pope won't allow it.
Next one.
This is worth knowing, isn't it?
Aubergine. It's not aubergine.
Is it pampas grass?
Oh, you've heard about that one, have you?
Upside-down peppers.
What, before they leave the supermarket, is this?
"Meet you in the car park?"
Five positions or less.
Would you be prepared to experiment
for all of us? Yeah, all right.
I'll have to clear it with the wife, obviously.
Fair enough.
Next one.
It subsided, revealing a vast Roman amphitheatre.
Yeah.
I think that's right. It collapsed to reveal a subterranean nirvana.
Holy shit!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Hey, hey!
OK, next.
Reversing the onset of puberty.
No. Hiring out a Labrador.
He did something in the garden.
Oh, dirty devil!
He dug an underground bunker over six years.
Was he still a teenager when he finished it?
I don't fucking know! Anyway...
You don't get that on University Challenge, do you? No!
The 14-year-old got into an argument
with his parents when they wouldn't let him go into town
wearing a tracksuit.
The teenager said the project
helped him unwind in the evenings,
after school, when he would work by hand several times a week.
Um, but that's teenage boys for you.
Next...
That's got to be nouvelle cuisine, isn't it?
Right.
Delia Smith said a lot of modern dishes resemble a fancy smear.
Hmm. A friend of mine once had
a fancy smear. Turns out she sprayed
Chanel No 5 instead of Femfresh.
Now, finally...
Pensioner calls local rugby club
to volunteer his services as a player.
It might be a lady pensioner.
Oh. Calls rugby club to offer her services as a hooker.
Oh!
She was 86 years old,
she was called Angela Robinson, and called the rugby club for help
when her TV remote got stuck down the side of her armchair.
Yeah. So, Mrs Robinson, if you're watching tonight,
you've lost the remote again, haven't you?
And the final scores are -
Ian and Nabil have three,
and Paul and Tom have eight.
Oh, well done. Yeah. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
Ian Hislop and Nabil Abdulrashid,
Paul Merton and Tom Peck.
And I leave you with the news that, in Runcorn,
one local regrets asking Labour MP Mike Amesbury
how gardening leave is going.
There's a surprise for Good Morning Britain viewers
as a stray camera gives us a glimpse
under Susanna Reid and Richard Madeley's desk.
And, in Penzance, after yet another ship is lured onto the rocks,
local estate agents regret selling the house with the sea view
to Ann Widdecombe.
Goodnight!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE