1 00:00:18,280 --> 00:00:26,240 APPLAUSE, CHEERING 2 00:00:30,920 --> 00:00:31,960 Good evening. 3 00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:33,880 Welcome to Have I Got News for You. 4 00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:34,920 I'm Martin Clunes. 5 00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:37,800 In the news this week, as he faces up to the fact 6 00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:40,200 that he can no longer rely on Mo Salah, Liverpool's 7 00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:42,360 manager Arne Slot finds a replacement with the necessary 8 00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:45,320 guts and determination. 9 00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:51,440 LAUGHTER 10 00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:55,360 APPLAUSE 11 00:00:55,360 --> 00:00:57,720 That is some dog! 12 00:00:57,720 --> 00:01:00,360 On the Filipino version of Strictly, one of the professionals struggles 13 00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:02,520 to hide her feelings after seeing her former partner 14 00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:08,800 taking another dancer up the Trocadero the night before. 15 00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:13,920 AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS 16 00:01:13,920 --> 00:01:15,360 And in Westminster, having just patched 17 00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:17,760 things up with the Prime Minister, Wes Streeting's dad picks 18 00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:22,920 a bad moment to turn up with his son's Christmas present. 19 00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:27,360 LAUGHTER 20 00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:30,280 On Ian's team tonight is a comedian and the host 21 00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:33,160 of the Bafta Games Awards, so he's bringing with him a large 22 00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:36,280 demographic of young people who stay in their bedroom and don't watch TV 23 00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:38,320 shows like this, so sod them! 24 00:01:38,320 --> 00:01:39,920 Please welcome Phil Wang. 25 00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:46,440 CHEERING, APPLAUSE 26 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:48,120 On Paul's team tonight is a journalist 27 00:01:48,120 --> 00:01:50,040 and broadcaster who once appeared on Celebrity MasterChef 28 00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:51,880 with Gregg Wallace. 29 00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:54,520 The loud, abrasive banter was hard to take, but somehow Gregg 30 00:01:54,520 --> 00:01:56,000 weathered the storm. 31 00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:57,360 LAUGHTER 32 00:01:57,360 --> 00:01:58,400 Please welcome Janet Street-Porter. 33 00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:05,800 CHEERING, APPLAUSE 34 00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:08,160 And we begin with the bigger stories of the week. 35 00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:09,400 Paul and Janet, here's yours. 36 00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:10,440 Yeah. OK. 37 00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:12,360 Well, that's the World Cup draw in 1966. 38 00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:14,960 And this is the head of FIFA with... 39 00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:16,720 It's Canada and America and Mexico. 40 00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:17,840 There's Donald Trump. 41 00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:19,880 Trump got a peace award from FIFA. 42 00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:21,800 This is the World Cup draw that happened. 43 00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:24,320 Trump was given a special medal, and... 44 00:02:24,320 --> 00:02:27,160 - It's an inaugural peace prize. - Yes. 45 00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:29,040 - It's not any old prize. - No. 46 00:02:29,040 --> 00:02:30,960 It's football's answer to the Nobel Peace Prize... 47 00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:32,000 That's right. 48 00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:33,440 ..because obviously, he was denied that... 49 00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:34,480 Yeah. 50 00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:36,400 ..so now he's got the far superior version... 51 00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:39,480 - Yeah. - ..the FIFA Peace Prize. 52 00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:42,040 But it's a rather odd-looking sort of trophy that he's got. 53 00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:44,720 It's sort of like these hands coming out of the Earth 54 00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:45,760 and grasping the planet. 55 00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:47,920 You know, it's like a zombie sort of effect. 56 00:02:47,920 --> 00:02:50,360 It's... There we are. 57 00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:52,640 Look at it. That's a bit bizarre, isn't it? 58 00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:54,320 That trophy is perfect for him. 59 00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:56,240 Like, he wishes his hands were that big. 60 00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:57,240 Mm. 61 00:02:57,240 --> 00:02:59,840 "Grab the world by the pussy." 62 00:02:59,840 --> 00:03:02,320 Trump was so pleased with the peace prize, 63 00:03:02,320 --> 00:03:04,480 he suggested that the Americans should stop calling their 64 00:03:04,480 --> 00:03:06,160 football "football". 65 00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:08,160 Extraordinary! 66 00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:10,520 It's like changing the name of the Gulf of Mexico. 67 00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:13,240 - Yeah. - He's just so needy. 68 00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:15,640 - Yeah. - That's what I couldn't believe. 69 00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:17,560 He needs affirmation every ten minutes, doesn't he? 70 00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:18,600 - Yeah. - Yeah. 71 00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:19,800 "Please, give me a prize." 72 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:21,960 Oh, and you do, and he's not faking it. 73 00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:23,160 - He was so happy. - Yeah. 74 00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:27,800 You can buy those trophies in B&Q. 75 00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:29,520 So his favourite band, the Village People... 76 00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:30,520 Yes, that's right. 77 00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:31,600 ..performed his favourite song. 78 00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:33,000 Let's have a look at that. 79 00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:34,040 Yeah. 80 00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:36,240 # Young man You can make real your dreams 81 00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:39,600 # But you've got to know this one thing 82 00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:41,120 # No man 83 00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:42,720 # Does it all by himself... 84 00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:43,880 LAUGHTER 85 00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:47,200 # Young man Put your pride on the shelf... 86 00:03:47,200 --> 00:03:50,560 When you look at them, you wonder how they met in the first place! 87 00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:52,000 Is it only big macho bands? 88 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:54,400 Pet Shop Boys...? 89 00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:55,440 LAUGHTER 90 00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:58,520 You've run out of bands, haven't you? 91 00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:00,240 That's it. 92 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:01,960 LAUGHTER 93 00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:05,280 Other than giving the 2034 World Cup to Saudi Arabia, 94 00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:09,280 what else is happening to promote gay rights through football? 95 00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:12,360 LAUGHTER 96 00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:16,840 There's an LGBT Pride match, isn't there? 97 00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:20,040 And had to draw the teams who are going to play 98 00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:21,520 that match at random. 99 00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:28,560 And the teams they drew to play the Pride match are Egypt and Iran. 100 00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:30,800 It's unbelievable. 101 00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:33,200 It's like if you had an International Women's Day match 102 00:04:33,200 --> 00:04:37,120 played by...Egypt and Iran. I guess... 103 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:38,200 LAUGHTER 104 00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:40,800 I'm really looking forward to the World Cup being in America, 105 00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:43,200 you know, all these teams from around the world getting 106 00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:46,280 tear-gassed by ICE, every match. 107 00:04:46,280 --> 00:04:49,360 Like, the US wins at the end because it's the only team left. 108 00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:52,520 You've gotten into some football now, so what do 109 00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:53,720 you reckon our odds are? 110 00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:58,840 I reckon it's, it's a sure thing. 111 00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:00,720 Do you think Nat Lofthouse should be picked? 112 00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:04,560 That's just a trick question. 113 00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:08,720 You're trying to make me look a fool by choosing a footballer from 1943. 114 00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:12,840 1953 and you'd be right, yeah. 115 00:05:12,840 --> 00:05:15,480 Not everybody enjoyed the two-hour World Cup ceremony. 116 00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:21,680 Here's a clip of sports commentator Jonathan Pearce. 117 00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:24,800 And if I can ask you to come in front here for another 118 00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:25,840 photo with the paper. 119 00:05:25,840 --> 00:05:27,680 Con papelito, por favor. 120 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:30,080 Hopefully the draw will be finished in time 121 00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:32,240 for the first match to kick off in June! 122 00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:34,680 LAUGHTER 123 00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:36,880 The man on the right... 124 00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:38,120 Mark Carney. 125 00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:40,560 ..Mark Carney, was the governor of the Bank of England. 126 00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:41,960 Yeah, he's done well, ain't he? 127 00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:44,360 Yeah, he's really gone up the food chain, hasn't he? 128 00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:45,400 Yeah, absolutely. 129 00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:47,320 - He now has to grovel to Trump. - Yeah. 130 00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:52,080 I do love that he's called Infantino because he does have a baby's head. 131 00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:55,000 Which he keeps in a drawer. I wonder... 132 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:59,680 LAUGHTER 133 00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:00,880 Football was invented in Britain. 134 00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:03,480 Which other sport do we have that Trump might enjoy? 135 00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:04,640 Cricket... Not cricket. 136 00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:05,880 He doesn't like cricket. 137 00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:06,920 It's the darts. 138 00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:07,960 - Darts! - Oh, yes! 139 00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:10,120 The World Championships taking place at the Ally Pally. 140 00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:12,280 Let's have a look how the BBC covered that. 141 00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:13,320 Yeah. 142 00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:16,200 The excitement of darts is more intense than going to a game 143 00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:17,640 of football or anything like that. 144 00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:19,080 And how do the prices compare? 145 00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:20,120 You know, football tickets... 146 00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:21,560 Oh, it's a lot better here. 147 00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:22,600 Yeah. 148 00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:24,760 Darts is so much better. The entertainment is better. 149 00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:27,640 You can't go to football and buy these two and go in... 150 00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:28,800 LAUGHTER 151 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:30,480 Away from sport, what's Trump's latest tactic 152 00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:32,080 to get peace in Ukraine? 153 00:06:32,080 --> 00:06:33,160 It's... 154 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:35,040 He's going to recruit the Pet Shop Boys. 155 00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:36,440 No. 156 00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:39,320 Well, I mean, basically what Russia wants is what Trump put forward. 157 00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:40,360 Yeah. 158 00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:43,040 His latest plan is just tell Zelensky, you know, "Man up." 159 00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:44,800 Yeah. "Man up." 160 00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:48,520 He's going to stop supporting Ukraine, describing Europe as... 161 00:06:48,520 --> 00:06:52,040 - Oh, yeah. - Yeah. 162 00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:53,480 All part of Trump's charm offensive. 163 00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:57,360 He's tried the charm. Now he's just being offensive. 164 00:06:57,360 --> 00:06:59,760 Have you got the footage of him making his speech 165 00:06:59,760 --> 00:07:01,920 in Pennsylvania, where he made a rather strange admission? 166 00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:03,760 - Uh, yes, I believe we have. - Yeah. 167 00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:04,800 For miners. 168 00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:05,840 Do we love miners? 169 00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:07,320 I love miners. 170 00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:12,920 LAUGHTER 171 00:07:12,920 --> 00:07:14,600 Also this week, Donald Trump presented medals 172 00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:16,280 to stars of entertainment, including Sylvester Stallone 173 00:07:16,280 --> 00:07:19,720 and the disco Queen Gloria Gaynor. 174 00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:22,520 "At first I was afraid, I was petrified," said Sly 175 00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:25,800 about his face-lift. 176 00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:26,840 LAUGHTER 177 00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:29,360 Oh! 178 00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:32,000 He didn't look as bad as that in the Rocky films 179 00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:33,960 when he was beaten for 15 rounds. 180 00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:35,400 - Dear, oh, dear. - Dear, oh, dear. 181 00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:36,440 Yeah. 182 00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:38,840 This is the World Cup draw and the surprise awarding 183 00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:41,000 of the FIFA Peace Prize to Donald Trump. 184 00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:44,200 Meanwhile, in Oslo, the Nobel Prize for League Two Manager of the Month 185 00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:48,680 went to Oldham Athletic's Micky Mellon. 186 00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:54,360 At the ceremony, FIFA president Gianni Infantino declared... 187 00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:56,720 Clearly a man who's never been to a Millwall game. 188 00:07:56,720 --> 00:08:00,160 One of Scotland's games will kick off at 2am, 189 00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:05,360 leading Scotland manager Steve Clarke to say... 190 00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:06,400 Not really. 191 00:08:06,400 --> 00:08:10,160 They'll all have sobered up by the time school starts. 192 00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:16,720 Under a new Trump plan, tourists to the US will have to... 193 00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:20,840 It looks like it's Guantanamo for Gary Lineker. 194 00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:22,680 Ian and Phil, here's yours. 195 00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:24,920 Trying to get a signal in Central London. 196 00:08:24,920 --> 00:08:27,480 That's me preparing for tonight. 197 00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:32,160 My dad meeting my girlfriend's dad. 198 00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:34,960 That's a cat. 199 00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:36,720 I don't know. 200 00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:38,120 His GP's just cancelled his appointment. 201 00:08:38,120 --> 00:08:40,680 Yeah. 202 00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:45,000 I didn't know what that cat was doing. 203 00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:46,680 It was doing something rhythmical, repetitive. 204 00:08:46,680 --> 00:08:48,520 But what was it doing? 205 00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:49,920 Leave it. 206 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:52,600 LAUGHTER 207 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:59,000 Keir Starmer has just started a TikTok account. 208 00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:02,400 - Yes, he has. - So TikTok is over. 209 00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:05,840 He's... It's official. 210 00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:08,480 But the weird thing is, the rest of the government aren't 211 00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:09,680 allowed to be on TikTok. 212 00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:12,440 - Because it's Chinese-owned. - Mm. 213 00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:15,560 - But that doesn't occur to him. - He's got a burner. 214 00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:17,640 LAUGHTER 215 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,840 The Chinese are so good at spying. 216 00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:25,400 I'm not even a comedian. I'm just here to keep tabs on Ian. 217 00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:28,280 Shall we have a look at our leader's TikTok clip, shall we? 218 00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:29,320 - Yeah. - Yes, let's. 219 00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:30,600 TikTok, follow me. 220 00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:33,720 # Now it's Christmas-time... 221 00:09:33,720 --> 00:09:35,280 Three, two, one! 222 00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:37,680 Give us that now. 223 00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:42,480 CHEERING 224 00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:43,920 What a huge amount of fun. 225 00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:45,800 LAUGHTER 226 00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:47,920 Was that it?! 227 00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:49,760 Was that it? 228 00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:52,400 Yeah, well, he turned the lights on and nothing went wrong. 229 00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:54,640 That's a big government hit. 230 00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:59,080 Even I, a pensioner, know that wasn't doing it. 231 00:09:59,080 --> 00:10:00,840 Do you TikTok? 232 00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:03,960 No, but if I did, I'd be a bloody sight better than that. 233 00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:06,000 It's absolutely threadbare. 234 00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:08,640 Who else is hoping to communicate with their legions of fans 235 00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:12,400 without having to go through the mainstream media? 236 00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:15,440 Is this Nigel Farage? 237 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:16,720 It's Liz Truss. 238 00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:18,480 - Oh, Liz Truss! - Ah! 239 00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:19,680 She's got a new channel. 240 00:10:19,680 --> 00:10:21,320 She's opening up new TalkMarkets. 241 00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:23,480 LAUGHTER 242 00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:25,320 Yes... 243 00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:29,800 Martin, that joke is a disgrace. 244 00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:30,920 LAUGHTER 245 00:10:30,920 --> 00:10:32,000 I'll own it. 246 00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:34,480 Let's have a look at her on YouTube, shall we? 247 00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:36,160 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the home 248 00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:38,560 of the counter-revolution. 249 00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:41,640 Welcome to The Liz Truss Show. 250 00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:45,280 LAUGHTER 251 00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:46,960 We're two months away from Boris Johnson 252 00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:48,000 on OnlyFans, aren't we? 253 00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:49,080 I mean.... 254 00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:50,520 LAUGHTER 255 00:10:50,520 --> 00:10:53,880 It's getting ridiculous. 256 00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:56,520 Oh, it was the pull on that shot. The pull back. 257 00:10:56,520 --> 00:11:00,680 It's the cameraman realising who she is and running away. 258 00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:06,200 At one point she described a "broken Britain" where... 259 00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:08,640 And thanks to her new show, they started tearing 260 00:11:08,640 --> 00:11:11,880 their ears off, as well. 261 00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:12,880 There's also... 262 00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:15,320 She says all kinds of weird stuff in this show. 263 00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:18,440 She says at one point that everyone in Britain is marrying their cousin. 264 00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:21,480 But I think that's just because she was an MP for Norfolk. 265 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:23,320 It doesn't... 266 00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:25,000 - Oh, boy! - Oh, boy! 267 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:27,400 You'll be taking that back, cos I live in Norfolk! 268 00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:30,160 And wait till her cousin hears about that. 269 00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:33,240 LAUGHTER 270 00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:35,600 The first bit of the show was her explaining how 271 00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:36,800 she didn't crash the economy. 272 00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:37,840 Yes. 273 00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:40,040 And again, she tried to take legal action 274 00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:42,720 against Keir Starmer, who said, you know, "You crashed 275 00:11:42,720 --> 00:11:45,880 the economy," and she issued, through her lawyers, 276 00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:47,120 a cease and desist letter... 277 00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:48,240 Yeah. 278 00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:50,880 ..which he read out and got big laughs in the Commons. 279 00:11:50,880 --> 00:11:54,720 And also, on a fashion note, she's still wearing that strange 280 00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:57,360 necklace that's a gold circle, that I think is actually 281 00:11:57,360 --> 00:12:00,120 like her on-off switch or... 282 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:02,320 LAUGHTER 283 00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:04,280 What's happening to Nigel Farage? 284 00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:06,160 He's being investigated. 285 00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:07,200 - He's being probed. - Yeah. 286 00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:08,760 Ooh! 287 00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:10,240 - I didn't know that bit. - Yeah. 288 00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:11,680 Election. 289 00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:13,120 Spending more money than they're allowed. 290 00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:14,160 But he's denying it. 291 00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:16,320 And it's a former member of his own team. 292 00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:17,640 That's right. Richard Everett. 293 00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:19,120 Yeah. 294 00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:21,040 He's claiming that the local expenses were declared 295 00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:27,040 as national campaign expenses, such as... 296 00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:30,760 How do you make a bar Reform-themed? 297 00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:33,600 Is only pale ale available? 298 00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:35,440 LAUGHTER 299 00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:38,880 Who's been interrogating Rachel Reeves 300 00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:40,840 about the Budget this week? 301 00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:42,160 Bagpuss. 302 00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:44,160 LAUGHTER 303 00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:45,600 The Parliamentary Finance Committee. 304 00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:47,360 Yeah, Bagpuss is on it. 305 00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:51,160 Yes. Being asked about the, um... 306 00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:53,280 What led up to the Budget, is she responsible? 307 00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:56,280 She said... 308 00:12:56,800 --> 00:13:00,000 What about the Budget?! 309 00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:01,440 I know what you're all thinking. 310 00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:02,480 What? 311 00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:04,640 What does Tony Blackburn think about the Commons Treasury 312 00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:05,680 Committee Leak Inquiry? 313 00:13:05,680 --> 00:13:07,840 - Yeah, what does he think? - What does he think? 314 00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:12,600 - Yeah. - He says... 315 00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:17,400 There's not a single leek in that picture! 316 00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:19,320 Who did Keir Starmer say he was missing? 317 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:20,360 His mummy? 318 00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:21,400 Angela Rayner. 319 00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:23,800 It was Angela Rayner, yeah, and then he was asked 320 00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:25,480 in an interview, "Will she be back?" 321 00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:26,520 Absolutely. 322 00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:29,760 To which he replied... 323 00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:32,320 Someone's got to be. 324 00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:35,200 Was she giving him a wedgie when he said that? 325 00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:37,360 According to the i Newspaper, who's the most popular 326 00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:38,520 choice with the grannies? 327 00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:40,280 Oh, Wes Streeting. 328 00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:43,080 Do we know how Angela Rayner really feels about Wes Streeting? 329 00:13:43,080 --> 00:13:46,040 Yes, we do. Yeah. 330 00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:51,240 They were suggesting the two of them are going to work together. 331 00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:52,280 Yes. 332 00:13:52,280 --> 00:13:55,400 Because Wes Streeting is sort of on the right of the Labour Party 333 00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:58,080 and she's on the left, so they'd be happy working together. 334 00:13:58,080 --> 00:13:59,480 They've got a nickname, the duo. 335 00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:01,160 Wangela. 336 00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:02,480 - Wangela? - Wangela. 337 00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:04,480 Is that your drag name? 338 00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:06,800 Ian and I could be Wangslop. 339 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:07,840 Ah! 340 00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:09,440 LAUGHTER 341 00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:11,080 - Here we come! - Here we come! 342 00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:13,720 Sounds like a disease that affects cattle! 343 00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:16,000 Yeah, this is the news that Keir Starmer now 344 00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:18,360 has a TikTok channel. 345 00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:20,760 There may be security concerns over Starmer's use 346 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:23,520 of Chinese-owned TikTok, but his advisers insist it's 347 00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:26,680 vital to woo young folk - which, coincidentally, 348 00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:30,360 is the name of China's top spy. 349 00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:32,960 Thank you. 350 00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:35,440 TikTok operates on a sophisticated algorithm, so if you do 351 00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:38,520 follow Keir Starmer, you soon will also be sent videos 352 00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:43,560 of lemmings jumping off cliffs and paint drying. 353 00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:49,400 According to one YouGov poll on Labour's leadership battle, 354 00:14:49,400 --> 00:14:50,440 And so... 355 00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:51,480 Wait for it. 356 00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:52,520 Yeah. 357 00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:53,720 ..we move to round two. 358 00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:54,760 Oh! 359 00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:55,960 The Advent Calendar of News. 360 00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:57,400 Look at that bad boy, eh? 361 00:14:57,400 --> 00:14:58,440 - Ooh! - Ooh! 362 00:14:58,440 --> 00:14:59,480 Beautiful. 363 00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:02,360 Ian, would you like to be the first to pick a number? 364 00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:04,040 Yes. I'd like to pick number 16. 365 00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:05,080 Oh, cheeky. 366 00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:06,280 Why is that cheeky? 367 00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:07,320 LAUGHTER 368 00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:09,760 BELLS JINGLE 369 00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:12,880 Aww. 370 00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:13,920 Oh. 371 00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:17,160 This is a survey about monogamy in the animal kingdom. 372 00:15:17,160 --> 00:15:20,640 And it turns out that human beings are pretty monogamous, 373 00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:24,360 but we are more...more monogamous than most other species. 374 00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:26,760 - That's right. - And that's very encouraging. 375 00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:31,920 We're like, number seven or something. 376 00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:32,920 - That's not bad. - Yeah. 377 00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:35,560 If they'd left Boris Johnson out of the numbers, we'd be 378 00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:36,600 number two, I think. 379 00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:38,280 APPLAUSE 380 00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:41,600 And meerkats, you know, meerkats aren't monogamous cos 381 00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:44,560 they're always comparing things, aren't they? 382 00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:46,440 They never... 383 00:15:46,440 --> 00:15:49,320 If there's a better deal out there... 384 00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:51,720 Do you know which animal was ranked the most faithful? 385 00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:52,760 Beavers. 386 00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:53,760 Leave it. 387 00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:55,000 LAUGHTER 388 00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:58,520 No. 389 00:15:58,520 --> 00:16:02,160 It's the California deermouse. 390 00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:03,840 Let's have a look at this fellow. 391 00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:04,880 Look. 392 00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:05,920 Aww. 393 00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:07,600 You wouldn't cheat on him, would you? 394 00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:08,640 No. 395 00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:09,680 He's nice. 396 00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:12,800 It's one of those few animals that comes with its own carrying handle. 397 00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:13,840 LAUGHTER 398 00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:15,680 Got big ears, hasn't he? 399 00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:17,800 Leave it. 400 00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:19,960 Number one... 401 00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:21,960 LAUGHTER 402 00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:25,240 At the other end of the scale, which animal 403 00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:28,280 puts it about the most? 404 00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:29,320 Chimpanzees. 405 00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:30,920 No. 406 00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:34,080 Dolphins, baboons, killer whales, black bears are all in the bottom 407 00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:37,720 ten, but in the last position is... 408 00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:38,760 There he is. 409 00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:39,800 Oh, wow. 410 00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:42,360 Go on, my son! 411 00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:44,160 So where were you last night? 412 00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:50,840 Literally being dragged through a hedge backwards! 413 00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:54,360 If you do it right. Um.. 414 00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:56,640 LAUGHTER 415 00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:59,480 - Where the... - Leave it! 416 00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:02,360 Professor Robin Dunbar from Oxford University 417 00:17:02,360 --> 00:17:04,480 explained humans' relatively low monogamy rating. 418 00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:10,640 He told the Guardian... 419 00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:14,120 His wife will be pleased with that! 420 00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:15,600 Exactly. 421 00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:18,760 In related news, what profession is most likely to have an affair... 422 00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:20,360 Plumbers! 423 00:17:20,360 --> 00:17:22,760 ..according to a website from illicitencounters.com? 424 00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:23,800 Milkmen. 425 00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:25,880 Postmen. 426 00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:26,920 - Postmen? - Postmen. 427 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:27,960 Yeah, absolutely. 428 00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:30,080 "Fancy a first-class mail, love?" Yeah. 429 00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:32,320 "Will this fit in your letterbox? It's all there." 430 00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:33,760 I've got a package for you. 431 00:17:33,760 --> 00:17:34,800 Yeah. 432 00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:35,840 Exactly. 433 00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:36,880 It's all there. 434 00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:39,160 Oh, my God! Calm down! 435 00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:42,120 "Do you want a stamp on it?" 436 00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:45,200 It's all there! 437 00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:47,840 This panto was brought to you by... 438 00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:48,880 Exactly! 439 00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:51,040 Although gardeners, window cleaners, estate agents and binmen also 440 00:17:51,040 --> 00:17:53,040 appear in the top ten. 441 00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:55,440 - Binmen? - Bin men?! 442 00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:57,000 What's happened to Britain's acting community? 443 00:17:57,000 --> 00:17:59,280 Used to be right up there. 444 00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:02,200 Leave it! 445 00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:04,680 Paul, would you like to pick a number? 446 00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:05,720 Yes. 447 00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:06,920 I'll pick number two. 448 00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:08,600 Actually, no, I'll make it number 24. 449 00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:10,040 No, no, sorry, I'll go 15. 450 00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:11,080 OK. 451 00:18:11,080 --> 00:18:13,000 Because it'll all be the same story anyway. 452 00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,080 And the door doesn't even open. 453 00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:16,520 It does, look, it's a drawer! 454 00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:17,560 Oh, it's a drawer. 455 00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:19,440 I see. Fantastic. 456 00:18:19,440 --> 00:18:21,120 - And in there is your question. - Yeah. 457 00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:23,160 - What's it say? - It says... 458 00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:25,360 LAUGHTER 459 00:18:25,360 --> 00:18:29,840 Well, this is trains, isn't it? 460 00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:32,240 British Rail are painting their trains different colours, I think. 461 00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:34,840 This is a new sort of, like, insignia, or a logo, 462 00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:36,520 or whatever you want to call it. 463 00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:37,560 Livery. 464 00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:38,600 Livery, yeah. 465 00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:39,680 Livery. 466 00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:42,520 Haven't they painted red, white and blue on the back of them? 467 00:18:42,520 --> 00:18:44,000 Oh, yeah, there we go. 468 00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:45,200 Oh, there's the colour. 469 00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:46,240 That's cheery. 470 00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:47,240 Oh, my gosh. 471 00:18:47,240 --> 00:18:48,920 Good to see GB News branching out. 472 00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:50,840 I can't believe they're wasting money like this. 473 00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:53,240 The branding was designed in-house at the Department for Transport. 474 00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:55,520 How did Transport Secretary Heidi Alexander describe the project? 475 00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:56,960 "It's nothing to do with me." 476 00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:58,600 LAUGHTER 477 00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:00,360 "I'm sorry it's late." 478 00:19:00,360 --> 00:19:03,800 Here's Heidi with news of the train. 479 00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:05,720 There we go, she's got one with her. 480 00:19:05,720 --> 00:19:07,400 She's a very big woman, isn't she? 481 00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:09,000 LAUGHTER 482 00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:11,120 Is this what HS2 is now? 483 00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:14,480 Heidi's just going to throw us across the country? 484 00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:16,640 Well, the livery hasn't exactly been received too well. 485 00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:23,680 The co-founder of the Design Museum Stephen Bayley shared his thoughts. 486 00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:33,040 He went on to describe it as... 487 00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:42,160 LAUGHTER 488 00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:44,520 That clears that up. 489 00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:46,720 In other news, what's agitating the residents 490 00:19:46,720 --> 00:19:49,400 of Sheringham in Norfolk? 491 00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:51,080 Do you know? Is that near you? 492 00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:53,720 Have they got a station? Is it going to be closed? 493 00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:56,360 No, the council want to demolish a bus stop which dates 494 00:19:56,360 --> 00:19:59,000 from the 1950s and replace it with a more modern structure. 495 00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:00,200 {\an8}But locals aren't having it. 496 00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:03,160 {\an8}Here's a post from the local Facebook page. 497 00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:12,480 LAUGHTER 498 00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:14,640 After protesters had occupied the site, 499 00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:19,880 and refused to leave for nine days, the council held an emergency vote 500 00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:22,240 on the demolition and the bus stop has been saved! 501 00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:23,280 Hooray! 502 00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:24,320 Yes! So... 503 00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:25,360 Oh, w... 504 00:20:25,360 --> 00:20:26,560 It was a bus stop? 505 00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:29,200 Why did it have a picture of a train in there? 506 00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:30,240 That's slightly confusing. 507 00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:32,360 Because of the replacement bus ratio. 508 00:20:32,360 --> 00:20:35,000 So if the bus doesn't turn up, there's a replacement train? 509 00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:36,080 Yeah. 510 00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:40,880 And if the train doesn't turn up, there's a private jet! 511 00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:43,960 And if all else fails, you can get on the bike and go 512 00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:46,600 to where you want to go. 513 00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:48,600 Janet, would you like to pick a number? 514 00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:50,720 - It doesn't matter what you pick. - Sh! 515 00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:54,680 You're ruining everyone's Christmas, Paul. 516 00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:56,280 All right. Six. 517 00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:57,440 Six. 518 00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:58,880 Hey! Six. 519 00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:05,280 Ah, yes. 520 00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:09,200 Liverpudlians love gravy. 521 00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:12,360 And they are the four most famous Liverpudlians. 522 00:21:12,360 --> 00:21:14,280 And they all loved gravy. There we are. 523 00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:15,760 How do we know that, Paul? 524 00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:18,640 Well, there's a picture of them holding gravy boats, look. 525 00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:21,280 Look, the gravy boat's going the wrong way in George's hand. 526 00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:23,560 What we should a gravy boat go? 527 00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:26,200 Well, nobody ever holds a gravy boat turning outwards, do they? 528 00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:27,400 LAUGHTER 529 00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:30,360 - George Harrison did. - Yeah. 530 00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:32,760 See, John Lennon keeps filling up George Harrison's gravy boat. 531 00:21:32,760 --> 00:21:34,840 "I don't like gravy." 532 00:21:34,840 --> 00:21:38,080 "You're getting it anyway." 533 00:21:38,080 --> 00:21:40,720 Did you ever drink the gravy straight from the gravy boat 534 00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:41,760 when you were little? 535 00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:44,640 I used to take the gravy cubes, put them in my mouth 536 00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:45,840 then put some water in. 537 00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:48,240 Oh, you're just showing off about how poor you were. 538 00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:50,400 Couldn't afford a gravy boat. 539 00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:53,120 All right, OK, we couldn't afford water! 540 00:21:53,120 --> 00:21:55,520 So the Daily Express covered a survey of 2,000 roast 541 00:21:55,520 --> 00:22:00,760 loving Brits, which found that in Liverpool... 542 00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:02,440 Yeah. 543 00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:04,240 Not the meat? 544 00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:06,880 You're having Sunday lunch and you're saying the gravy is more 545 00:22:06,880 --> 00:22:09,280 important than the meat, or anything else on the table? 546 00:22:09,280 --> 00:22:10,480 If you live in Liverpool. 547 00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:13,880 You know what they would like? Soup. 548 00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:15,200 LAUGHTER 549 00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:18,600 APPLAUSE 550 00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:22,120 I think they're eating the wrong meal. 551 00:22:22,120 --> 00:22:25,240 Do you want to hear a joke about two Scousers in a supermarket? 552 00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:26,920 "Hey, have you heard there's 553 00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:28,120 been a fire at Saino's?" 554 00:22:28,120 --> 00:22:29,160 "'As there?" 555 00:22:29,160 --> 00:22:30,200 "No, Saino's." 556 00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:31,240 LAUGHTER 557 00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:32,280 Thank you. 558 00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:33,720 Back to gravy. 559 00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:36,600 They developed a handy chart which you can use to decide how 560 00:22:36,600 --> 00:22:38,080 you like your gravy. 561 00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:42,400 The Gravy Grid, Not unlike the Bristol Stool Chart. 562 00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:45,080 Oh, why did you have to say that? 563 00:22:45,080 --> 00:22:46,840 Paul, are you thick or very thick? 564 00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:48,600 {\an8}Medium thick. 565 00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:50,720 {\an8}I'd go for sort of, like, the 3C. 566 00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:53,680 I'm definitely a 4D. 567 00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:56,560 Most Brits voted for 5B, which is medium brown and medium thick. 568 00:22:56,560 --> 00:22:58,600 LAUGHTER 569 00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:05,040 Anybody wants to take the joke up there, they're welcome. 570 00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:06,920 In other news, where have a large quantity 571 00:23:06,920 --> 00:23:08,320 of bananas turned up recently? 572 00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:09,760 Oh, yeah, they've been washed up. 573 00:23:09,760 --> 00:23:11,480 There you go. 574 00:23:11,480 --> 00:23:13,840 According to the Telegraph, locals treated it as a free-for-all 575 00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:15,760 but one local resident, John Screech, who's usually 576 00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:21,760 on the beach stealing chips, said... 577 00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:27,280 Which of course, it actually is. 578 00:23:27,280 --> 00:23:30,400 This is the news that Liverpool is the gravy capital of the UK. 579 00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:32,880 One newspaper printed Asda's handy Gravy Grid. 580 00:23:32,880 --> 00:23:34,840 That's the same grid they use on Strictly 581 00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:37,760 for the shade of fake tan. 582 00:23:37,760 --> 00:23:40,640 It goes from A1, the palest, all the way down to D6, 583 00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:42,160 or Claudia Winkleman. 584 00:23:42,160 --> 00:23:44,080 Time now for the odd one out round. 585 00:23:44,080 --> 00:23:45,520 Just one between you this week. 586 00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:47,720 Your four are... 587 00:23:47,720 --> 00:23:51,040 A man at a steakhouse in Devon, an arrested shopper in Auckland, 588 00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:53,440 protesters at the Tower of London and the old lady 589 00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:54,520 who swallowed a fly. 590 00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:58,040 I think this is about people eating things, and the odd one out 591 00:23:58,040 --> 00:24:01,600 is the protester cos she threw apple crumble at the Crown Jewels, 592 00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:06,400 as a protest against the establishment and the state. 593 00:24:06,400 --> 00:24:08,960 Do you know anything about the man who was arrested? 594 00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:11,600 I guess he ate something he wasn't meant to eat, maybe? 595 00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:13,840 He stole something and ate it? 596 00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:15,520 So she is the odd one out. 597 00:24:15,520 --> 00:24:17,200 Yeah, they've all eaten something they shouldn't, 598 00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:19,840 except for the protesters at the Tower of London, who threw 599 00:24:19,840 --> 00:24:20,880 something meant for eating. 600 00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:22,920 Wasn't there a man who swallowed a leaf? 601 00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:25,240 And then he got arrested when he coughed it out, 602 00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:27,240 for littering, this week? 603 00:24:27,240 --> 00:24:30,800 Oh, did that happen...? Oh, yes, I did hear that. 604 00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:31,840 Yeah. 605 00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:34,000 Well, it was in the news. It's not important. 606 00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:35,040 A man...? 607 00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:36,480 - A man swallowed a leaf... - Yeah. 608 00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:37,800 - ..and coughed it up... - Yeah. 609 00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:39,560 - ..and was accused of littering... - Yeah. 610 00:24:39,560 --> 00:24:41,960 - ..as the leaf fell on the ground? - Yeah. 611 00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:43,000 Yeah. 612 00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:44,680 Leaf it! 613 00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:48,280 Can you find the headline? 614 00:24:48,280 --> 00:24:50,800 Just to make it... 615 00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:52,720 ..make it clear I'm not making this up? 616 00:24:52,720 --> 00:24:54,200 I'm just asking the producers. 617 00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:56,120 - Of the leaf man? - Of the leaf man. 618 00:24:56,120 --> 00:24:58,280 Cos otherwise it looks as though I'm completely mad. 619 00:24:58,280 --> 00:25:00,200 In the meantime, I'm going to plough on. 620 00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:01,240 Yeah, go on. 621 00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:02,280 You were right. 622 00:25:02,280 --> 00:25:04,920 The group called Take Back Power, they threw crumble and custard 623 00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:06,960 at the Crown Jewels. 624 00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:08,640 According to the Telegraph, one guard approached 625 00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:12,400 the protesters, saying... 626 00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:16,440 He has now been made head of security for the Louvre. 627 00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:22,000 And they did it to... 628 00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:26,720 We're not sure if it worked, so more on that story later. 629 00:25:26,720 --> 00:25:28,920 The group, they do have a bit of previous. 630 00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:31,080 What other stunts have some of its supporters pulled? 631 00:25:31,080 --> 00:25:35,360 Pavlova at Big Ben. 632 00:25:35,360 --> 00:25:38,360 According to the Telegraph, they're... 633 00:25:38,360 --> 00:25:41,920 So they presumably threw oats. 634 00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:44,720 Silent protest. 635 00:25:44,720 --> 00:25:48,960 The man in Cattlemans Steakhouse in Devon, what did he do 636 00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:51,000 that he shouldn't have done? 637 00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:52,040 He ordered too much. 638 00:25:52,040 --> 00:25:54,400 I mean, that's a huge bit of steak, isn't it? 639 00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:55,840 Was there, like, a challenge meal? 640 00:25:55,840 --> 00:25:56,880 Yeah, a steak challenge. 641 00:25:56,880 --> 00:25:58,320 Yeah, he ate too much steak. 642 00:25:58,320 --> 00:26:00,000 Reece Chadfield took on their eating challenge 643 00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:02,440 involving 2kg of steak, Two days later, Reece had 644 00:26:02,440 --> 00:26:04,800 to be taken to hospital, where they said he'd eaten 645 00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:07,800 so much that... 646 00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:12,600 When asked how common an injury this was, doctors replied, medium rare. 647 00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:18,440 APPLAUSE 648 00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:20,560 The Cattlemans Steakhouse would like us to point out 649 00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:22,960 that their food wasn't responsible for the mistake, although next 650 00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:25,120 time Reece goes there, "miss steak" would be good 651 00:26:25,120 --> 00:26:28,280 advice to follow. 652 00:26:28,280 --> 00:26:30,680 The other fella, what did he eat, do you think, 653 00:26:30,680 --> 00:26:33,920 at a jewellery shop in Auckland, which shocked everyone? 654 00:26:33,920 --> 00:26:35,280 Diamond ring. 655 00:26:35,280 --> 00:26:36,960 Engraved cufflinks. 656 00:26:36,960 --> 00:26:38,360 Higher. 657 00:26:38,360 --> 00:26:41,680 Engraved cufflinks. 658 00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:46,040 It was a Faberge egg. 659 00:26:46,040 --> 00:26:48,800 - Oh, yes! - Oh, yes. 660 00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:50,760 And they are waiting for it to... 661 00:26:50,760 --> 00:26:52,400 - Yeah. - ..pass through. 662 00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:56,200 A policeman said an officer was assigned to... 663 00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:59,560 ..until finally, the egg was laid. 664 00:26:59,560 --> 00:27:01,720 If that didn't work, they were going to rely 665 00:27:01,720 --> 00:27:04,360 on the long arm of the law. 666 00:27:04,360 --> 00:27:07,480 Here is the Faberge egg after it was passed 667 00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:11,360 through the thief's anus. 668 00:27:11,360 --> 00:27:13,760 With the price tag still on it, which, that cleaned 669 00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:16,840 up nicely, didn't it? 670 00:27:16,840 --> 00:27:19,480 How are they getting on with the story about the man 671 00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:20,520 that swallowed a leaf? 672 00:27:20,520 --> 00:27:21,920 - Have we heard? - Got anything yet? 673 00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:23,080 No. 674 00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:25,280 They've all eaten something that they shouldn't have, 675 00:27:25,280 --> 00:27:27,800 except the protesters at the Tower of London, who threw 676 00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:30,280 something meant for eating. 677 00:27:30,280 --> 00:27:32,440 According to one newspaper, activists were seen smearing custard 678 00:27:32,440 --> 00:27:34,080 over the Crown Jewels. 679 00:27:34,080 --> 00:27:35,280 Coincidentally, one of the accusations 680 00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:38,080 levelled at Gregg Wallace. 681 00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:41,080 Reece Chadfield was hospitalised after competing in back-to-back 682 00:27:41,080 --> 00:27:46,240 eating challenges, including a 2kg steak. 683 00:27:46,240 --> 00:27:48,120 Doctors revealed Reece had a temperature of 39 684 00:27:48,120 --> 00:27:50,040 degrees and his blood group was peppercorn sauce. 685 00:27:50,040 --> 00:27:54,400 And it's time now for the missing words round, which this week 686 00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:58,520 features as its guest publication the newsletter of the British 687 00:27:58,520 --> 00:28:02,840 Leafy Salads Association. 688 00:28:02,840 --> 00:28:07,920 This month's guest editor, yet again, Liz Truss. 689 00:28:07,920 --> 00:28:10,800 We start with... 690 00:28:12,080 --> 00:28:13,120 This is Michael Gove. 691 00:28:13,120 --> 00:28:16,480 Father Christmas. 692 00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:17,760 Oh, I know this one. 693 00:28:17,760 --> 00:28:20,600 - Go on, then. - Baby seal. 694 00:28:20,600 --> 00:28:23,080 GROANS AND LAUGHTER 695 00:28:23,080 --> 00:28:24,400 Satan. 696 00:28:24,400 --> 00:28:26,160 Well... 697 00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:27,960 The devil incarnate. Beelzebub. 698 00:28:27,960 --> 00:28:29,080 No, stop, stop. 699 00:28:29,080 --> 00:28:30,120 Mephistopheles. 700 00:28:30,120 --> 00:28:31,120 Gyles Brandreth. 701 00:28:31,120 --> 00:28:32,160 Just stop. 702 00:28:32,160 --> 00:28:33,480 LAUGHTER 703 00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:34,520 It's the Pope. 704 00:28:34,520 --> 00:28:37,880 I was nearly right! 705 00:28:37,880 --> 00:28:41,240 Here is the Pope's appearance at the rave in Slovakia. 706 00:28:41,240 --> 00:28:43,920 May the blessing of Almighty God, the Father and the Son 707 00:28:43,920 --> 00:28:46,680 and the Holy Spirit, come upon you and remain 708 00:28:46,680 --> 00:28:48,800 with you always. 709 00:28:48,800 --> 00:28:49,920 Amen. 710 00:28:49,920 --> 00:28:51,600 Amen, amen, amen.... 711 00:28:51,600 --> 00:28:55,400 TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS 712 00:28:55,400 --> 00:29:01,760 LAUGHTER 713 00:29:01,760 --> 00:29:02,880 According to Classic FM, 714 00:29:02,880 --> 00:29:06,000 the rave was part of an attempt to bridge the gap between the 715 00:29:06,000 --> 00:29:08,040 Catholic Church and young people. 716 00:29:08,040 --> 00:29:11,680 Most of the previous efforts were just plain illegal. 717 00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:16,400 APPLAUSE 718 00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:21,560 Next... 719 00:29:21,560 --> 00:29:22,600 Oh, my goodness. 720 00:29:22,600 --> 00:29:23,640 This is... 721 00:29:23,640 --> 00:29:24,680 Jeffrey Epstein. 722 00:29:24,680 --> 00:29:25,720 ..an... 723 00:29:25,720 --> 00:29:26,760 LAUGHTER 724 00:29:26,760 --> 00:29:27,800 - No. - No? 725 00:29:27,800 --> 00:29:28,840 An asylum seeker. 726 00:29:28,840 --> 00:29:30,520 He was part of a Nativity tableau. 727 00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:33,720 A Ghanaian migrant on the run from police attempted to evade 728 00:29:33,720 --> 00:29:37,800 capture by hiding in a nativity scene in Italy. 729 00:29:37,800 --> 00:29:44,000 See if you can spot him. 730 00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:45,480 APPLAUSE 731 00:29:45,480 --> 00:29:47,640 I would like to thank the director for zooming 732 00:29:47,640 --> 00:29:49,720 in because I couldn't make it out! 733 00:29:49,720 --> 00:29:50,760 Next... 734 00:29:50,760 --> 00:29:58,680 Meat day. 735 00:29:58,680 --> 00:30:03,800 Is it "cos"play? 736 00:30:03,800 --> 00:30:05,280 GROANS AND LAUGHTER 737 00:30:05,280 --> 00:30:06,600 APPLAUSE 738 00:30:06,600 --> 00:30:08,320 - That's it. - Nice. 739 00:30:08,320 --> 00:30:13,520 It's... 740 00:30:13,520 --> 00:30:16,480 Finally... 741 00:30:18,040 --> 00:30:20,200 French. 742 00:30:20,200 --> 00:30:21,880 The true meaning of Christmas. 743 00:30:21,880 --> 00:30:22,920 The offside rule. 744 00:30:22,920 --> 00:30:26,760 No! 745 00:30:26,760 --> 00:30:28,280 Let's have a look. 746 00:30:28,280 --> 00:30:31,160 GUITAR STRUMS 747 00:30:31,160 --> 00:30:33,520 OCTOPUS PLAYS LOW NOTE 748 00:30:33,520 --> 00:30:35,360 OCTOPUS PLAYS HIGH NOTE 749 00:30:35,360 --> 00:30:38,120 You have a big range, Tako. 750 00:30:38,120 --> 00:30:42,040 It's like Rachmaninoff. 751 00:30:42,040 --> 00:30:50,000 OCTOPUS PLAYS BRIEF MELODY 752 00:30:53,840 --> 00:30:55,240 I'd believe in the story more 753 00:30:55,240 --> 00:30:58,840 if you were telling me the octopus was teaching him to play the guitar. 754 00:30:58,840 --> 00:31:01,000 Well, I completely disagree. I thought that was beautiful. 755 00:31:01,000 --> 00:31:02,640 - Well, the octopus... - Lovely. 756 00:31:02,640 --> 00:31:08,680 This was a Swedish musician who... 757 00:31:08,680 --> 00:31:11,000 ..and taught it how to play jazz piano. 758 00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:13,120 No, he didn't! 759 00:31:13,120 --> 00:31:18,160 The RSPCA have stepped in, arguing it was more humane to let it die. 760 00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:19,680 So the final scores are... 761 00:31:19,680 --> 00:31:21,320 This is interesting. 762 00:31:21,320 --> 00:31:23,520 Janet and Paul have leapt ahead with six points, 763 00:31:23,520 --> 00:31:26,680 leaving Ian and Phil languishing with five. 764 00:31:26,680 --> 00:31:29,600 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 765 00:31:29,600 --> 00:31:30,640 Well done. 766 00:31:30,640 --> 00:31:31,880 Well done. 767 00:31:31,880 --> 00:31:35,120 But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition. 768 00:31:35,120 --> 00:31:39,120 Don't look now, but there's an octopus playing jazz piano. 769 00:31:39,120 --> 00:31:40,880 APPLAUSE 770 00:31:40,880 --> 00:31:42,160 On which note... 771 00:31:42,160 --> 00:31:44,280 Hang on. 772 00:31:44,280 --> 00:31:47,160 We can't go yet. We want to hear about the leaf man. 773 00:31:47,160 --> 00:31:48,360 Yeah, come on, leaf man. 774 00:31:48,360 --> 00:31:49,560 - We want leaf man. - Yeah. 775 00:31:49,560 --> 00:31:50,600 There you are. 776 00:31:50,600 --> 00:31:52,720 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 777 00:31:52,720 --> 00:31:57,280 It says in the corner, "Created by AI." 778 00:31:57,280 --> 00:31:59,360 LAUGHTER 779 00:31:59,360 --> 00:32:02,280 Artificial Ian! 780 00:32:02,280 --> 00:32:04,680 On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, 781 00:32:04,680 --> 00:32:07,440 Ian Hislop and Phil Wang, Paul Merton and Janet Street-Porter. 782 00:32:07,440 --> 00:32:11,080 And I leave you with news that in California, Elon Musk's plan 783 00:32:11,080 --> 00:32:13,680 to live forever as an AI driven humanoid needs a little 784 00:32:13,680 --> 00:32:17,560 bit more work. 785 00:32:17,560 --> 00:32:19,720 At a party in Chelsea, two people powerfully attracted 786 00:32:19,720 --> 00:32:22,120 to each other agree to ditch the gooseberry and find 787 00:32:22,120 --> 00:32:27,480 somewhere more intimate. 788 00:32:27,480 --> 00:32:30,120 The divisions continue in Your Party as Jeremy Corbyn 789 00:32:30,120 --> 00:32:37,840 unveils his new nickname for Zarah Sultana. 790 00:32:38,680 --> 00:32:41,800 In Glasgow, one nana in the crowd at the football realises too late 791 00:32:41,800 --> 00:32:48,200 that she's left her special cushion at home. 792 00:32:48,200 --> 00:32:51,920 And in London, there are awkward scenes at an office Christmas party 793 00:32:51,920 --> 00:32:54,040 where demoralised staff are forced to join their boss 794 00:32:54,040 --> 00:33:00,920 in doing the conga. 795 00:33:00,920 --> 00:33:03,000 Goodnight! 796 00:33:03,000 --> 00:33:10,960 APPLAUSE