I wanted to start by saying, it's such an honour to be on a panel,
because, like, to my left is a man who was, like, my absolute hero
when I was growing up. Like, he was sort of my generation.
Had posters of him all over my wall.
- Erm... - You mean Michael? - Yeah.
MY Secretary of State for Education.
That's my GOAT.
I'm delighted that I played such a joyous part in contributing
to Chloe's future success.
I can't read.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
This programme contains some strong language
Good evening. Welcome to have I Got News for You.
I'm David Tennant.
In the news this week, at Buckingham Palace, the King prepares
for his weekly meeting with Keir Starmer.
In Washington, in the middle of a speech on valuable alliances,
Donald Trump spots Emmanuel Macron turning up late.
And Derek Hargreaves, from Yeovil, regrets not taking it easy
following his haemorrhoid surgery.
- AUDIENCE: - Oh...!
On Ian's team tonight, a comedian who can currently be seen
on a show called The Way Out,
which is all about being stuck in a room and trying to find
the quickest way to escape.
Much like being a member of Keir Starmer's cabinet.
Please welcome Chloe Petts.
On Paul's team tonight, a leading Conservative politician
who was twice the Minister for Levelling Up.
Not sure how effective he was.
But, to be fair, he has overseen the rise of one youngster
from a humble Scottish fishing community all the way to the peerage
in the House of Lords.
Please welcome Baron Michael Gove of Torry.
We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
- Paul and Michael, here's yours. PAUL: - Yes.
OK, well, that's the World Cup trophy that's been presented
to Donald Trump there.
- MICHAEL GOVE: - That's Scotland.
They're the winners of the World Cup,
and they're on their way to the ceremonial camper van.
That's Trump's cabinet.
And that is a...
Well, it's a shower, but not golden.
SHOCKED LAUGHTER
Yes.
- Which, of course, the World Cup was. - Yes.
We seem to have found a special subject early, Michael.
Yes, indeed. It's the news that Scotland's campaign
for World Cup glory kicks off next week.
Who are Scotland up against?
- Haiti. - Yes.
- Brazil. - Yes.
Morocco.
Well done, Michael! Yes.
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
That applause must be a welcome sound, Michael.
What is it? I've never heard it before.
Scotland's game against Brazil is in Miami.
Local stores are preparing for the Tartan Army by stocking up
on beer, snacks,
and factor 1,000 sun cream.
Both England AND Scotland have qualified.
It's now been 60 years of hurt, Chloe.
Is this finally the year football comes home?
Well, it came home for the women, lest we forget.
Yes.
AUDIENCE CHEERS
I think it could be coming home.
But Trump will probably stop it at the borders, if we're honest.
But I'm just...I'm kind of excited to see you guys.
Like, I just am enthralled with Scott McTominay,
because his name sounds like JK Rowling trying to name
that one Scottish kid at Hogwarts.
He sounds like salt-of-the-earth Scottish,
and he just, he doesn't look like a Scot.
Like, he looks like too well put together, and I think...
AUDIENCE EXCLAIM
LAUGHTER
You, erm, touring Scotland at all?
Not any more, no, I would say.
I just can't wait for the whole thing.
Give us your analysis, Ian.
It's going to start, and then it WILL finish.
Yes.
What treat did England captain Harry Kane get just before...?
- Waxwork. - Yes!
Yeah, he was very surprised.
- It's in Madame Tussauds. Let's look at it. - Yeah.
- It's good, isn't it? - Yeah.
- Yes, look at that. - Which one is it?
I don't think he went to Madame Tussauds wearing
the England shirt, so...
It does look a lot like Harry Kane, which is more than can be said
for these waxworks of David and Victoria Beckham.
Oh.
Any guesses who these three are?
Uh, is that Paul Gascoigne in the middle?
Yes.
Is that Glenn Hoddle on the left?
It's not Glenn Hoddle, no.
- Bryan Robson. - No.
- Anwar Sadat. - I mean...
- CHLOE PETTS: - Gary Lineker! - Yes!
- Oh! - Gary Lineker! Well done.
What item has been unveiled that hopes to bring England
and Scotland fans together at the World Cup?
- Oh, yes. - Oh...
Yes, it's a half Scotland, half England shirt.
That's exactly it.
Which neither country will buy.
Fans won't want to have a Scotland emblem,
and Scotland certainly won't want an England emblem,
so nobody's going to buy it.
You can get them in Iceland. Let's have a look.
There you go.
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
Oh, it's not getting a good response in the studio, is it?
I didn't realise Iceland were playing.
Formerly the Republic of Bejam.
These three people are clearly thinking,
"If I shut my eyes, I'm not being photographed."
I think on the left is Gary Lineker...
Who is Scotland's biggest supporter?
- MICHAEL: - Rod Stewart.
Yes... Well, it's another singer.
- CHLOE: - Susan Boyle?
That's it! Do you know why?
Yes, because she's done this Irn-Bru advert,
where she break-dances in front of a bridge.
We've got to have a look at this.
Take it to the bridge, Su-Bo!
# We may not be the pundits' favourites to win
# But what we lack in flair is made up with McGinn
# We're going to deep-fry your hot dogs
# We're the Tartan Army
# Let's all go commando
# No Scotland, no party
# We're made in Scotland from girders
# Everybody sing
# Cos we're made from girders
# And we'll make it through anything. #
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
I think it's sensational.
- I think it's sensational. - Unironically, I love it.
Yeah.
I think it's Scotland's answer to Vindaloo, certainly.
And Vindaloo is personally my favourite ever football song.
I think it should be England's national anthem.
It's catchy, and it's sung by a man called Fat Les,
which is actually how I personally identify.
While we're on the subject, does anyone remember...?
Subject of what?!
Oh, football!
- Scottish World Cup song. - Sorry. Yes.
While we're on the subject, anyone remember the Scottish anthem
from the 1978 World Cup in Argentina?
We're on the march with Ally's army.
- Yeah. - We're going to the Argentine.
- Yep, yep... - We'll really shake them up.
- Do you remember... - We'll win the World Cup cos Scotland
- are the greatest football team. - Oh, God. Well done!
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
Do you know, I preferred you talking about levelling up.
Solid knowledge, though. Solid knowledge.
Can I just say, at this point, that I've always liked experts?
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
Well, England, they don't seem to have a World Cup anthem
this year, apparently.
Would anyone like to suggest one?
I had thought that it was going to be a reworked version
of The Beatles, Come Together.
Or Help!
Don't they still...
..sing the one about the shirt?
- Three Lions on the shirt? - That's the one.
I think I've been brought on to this show today to translate football
to you...
..and act as your bouncer, in case you go for Michael Gove.
Meanwhile, how did one football fan get in trouble with police
after the Champions League final last Saturday?
- Uh... - French fan.
England fans put flares up their butts.
Did he put a baguette up there?
I mean, you're in the right ballpark.
- Quite. - Unfortunately.
An eclair?
It was a large garlic sausage.
Ah.
Following riots in Paris after PSG's victory, a French fan has been
sentenced to four months' house arrest for...
The fan pleaded...
FRENCH ACCENT: "I didn't intend to throw it at him.
"I just wanted to get rid of it."
Is he here? Is he here?
It is amazing what RADA can do for things, isn't it?
NORMAL VOICE: The judge was having none of it.
GRUFF FRENCH ACCENT: "You may be trembling now!
"But your hand didn't tremble when you threw that sausage
"at the policeman!
"Huh?!"
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
I think we know who's starring in the remake
- of the Pink Panther now. - Thank you very much.
As the last show of the series, I've got a game for you.
- Hey! - Ooh!
It's called the Funny Name Quiz.
- OK. - Fingers on buzzers. Here's your first one.
What is the name of a former Tory councillor for
the Solihull Metropolitan Borough Council?
Is it Derek Pothole?
BELL RINGS
- Yes? - I don't have anything.
I just wanted us to respect the buzzer system.
Thank you!
It's because I had a very punitive education.
His glorious name is Bob Sleigh.
The trouble about this quiz is there's no chance
of us getting any of it right.
Yes, this is the World Cup.
And England manager Thomas Tuchel has named his team
to win the tournament.
Spain.
Ticket prices for the World Cup matches have been quoted
as high as £12,000.
If you want to see Scotland's opening game, however, Peter Murrell
has got four executive tickets - he can't use them any more.
Ian and Chloe, here's yours.
That's Peter Mandelson, with a red box,
perhaps a suitcase,
heading towards incarceration. I don't know.
The candidate for the by-election.
Text, screens.
Andy Burnham.
A turbulent week in politics, I think we can agree.
A turbulent week.
I think what we've seen is a large number of members of the Cabinet
stabbing each other in the back, in the hope of becoming leader.
Michael?
This is an unprecedented departure from the high standards
that have been set by previous governments.
Yes...
I mean, how does it feel?
I mean, you're in cabinet, you're being polite,
you're pretending to support them,
then you go out, you stab them in the back.
How do you feel?
Erm, well...
It obviously depends on whose back you're stabbing.
- In some cases, it's a solemn duty. - Yeah.
In other cases, it's a positive pleasure.
Right.
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
- CHLOE: - This is amazing.
You tried to be leader a couple of times, didn't you?
- Twice. - Twice.
How did that go?
Uh, I came third both times,
which is, erm...
..an unmemorable double humiliation.
You did stop Boris being leader once.
I did, yes.
But as we all, I think, subsequently know, that was only
a temporary alleviation.
Yeah.
But it was your one good deed in this life.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
But Mandelson, I mean, people say, you know,
it's extraordinary how he survived.
But, I mean, you were sacked, and then dismissed,
and then you always came back.
I mean, there are cockroaches I know who were in awe of your...
..ability.
I preferred Cameron's definition -
he said you had one overriding quality...
Have I got this right?
..which was disloyalty.
AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS
- I think I have many other good qualities, as well. - Yeah.
I can't think of any. But that's a good one.
Anyway...
- Perfidy, treachery. - Yeah.
Why is Mandelson in such trouble?
What dropped on Monday? What did we have on Monday?
- More files. - More files. - WhatsApp groups.
Exactly.
The Mandelson files were heralded as a big bombshell of shit
that was going to fall on the Government.
It was a bit of a damp squib, wasn't it?
It was a bit of a damp squib. There was nothing terribly shocking -
the fact that all these members of the cabinet had been bitchy
- about each other behind their backs and had been plotting and... - Yeah.
But there was one big shock, which was Pat McFadden.
- Mm! - Cos he said something sensible.
- Yes. - Um...
LAUGHTER
About weighing up benefits and taxes.
Work and Pensions Secretary Pat McFadden said
Labour MPs are only interested in one question...
I mean, it's a good question. Who can we tax to pay benefits others?
- Yeah. - I think magazine editors, probably.
- AUDIENCE: - Oh! - Well!
- CHLOE: - I'll get him!
Both of us!
- I mean, Amazon? - Well, that would be good.
In amongst the Mandelson WhatsApps and emails, what did we learn about
the Government's attitude to mobile phone technology?
Well, Keir Starmer uses an app which makes you disappear.
That's right.
CHLOE GASPS
YOU disappear?
Your previous correspondence disappears.
But it means he hasn't got anything incriminating,
which is really useful because it means
he doesn't then have to get his phone stolen by anyone.
He's got a disappearing WhatsApp message function
- on his mobile phone. - Yes, that's what it's called.
It is permitted by ministerial guidelines
as long as it doesn't affect...
In the old days, you used to get into trouble with emails, though,
didn't you, Michael?
Um... Never!
When you were in the Department for Education,
there was a bit of a problem about you handing them over, wasn't there?
Oh, no, I was always very happy to hand them over.
You just couldn't find them.
Some of them went missing, yes.
Just to say, nothing changes.
We saw Reform candidate Robert Kenyon there.
- Yes. - Did you see his interview with the BBC?
- Yes. - Yeah? - He had to say,
"I've not made sexual remarks about Carol Vorderman."
Which I think is like if you put Bill Clinton's
"I did not have sexual relations with that woman" through AI
and said, "Make it British."
He was asked if he'd said that Brexit was an economically damaged
project promoted by politicians who...
He replied...
He really is in the wrong party!
Nick Clegg claimed that the late Queen had expressed support
of Brexit at a private lunch.
Who told him that...Michael?
LAUGHTER
I wouldn't know.
- It was claimed it was you, though. - Yes, it was.
Oh, I wouldn't know.
- You wouldn't. - You wouldn't know that it was you,
or you wouldn't know that it wasn't you?
I wouldn't know.
- CHLOE: - This is amazing! You know so much until you don't know anything.
Well...
Wow!
Kenyon told the BBC...
Does Nigel Farage know about that?
Has he been behaving in a certain way?
No. He's been trying to exploit a tragedy
for his own personal political gain, which is rather nauseating.
He's been rightly criticised by nearly everybody.
He did exactly what the family asked everyone not to do,
was to turn this into a divisive issue.
Yes. His comments following the trial over the murder of Henry Nowak
about "pure cold rage" and anticipating more trouble in
the streets were condemned by all sides of the House.
His defenders said that he should not be held responsible for what
happened because he'd specifically called for cold rage, not hot rage.
- Yeah. - Obviously, if it had been gently warm rage...
- Or even far-rage! - ..that might have been...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Elon Musk's nice, isn't he?
LAUGHTER
Isn't that an aftershave?
LAUGHTER
Yes. The by-election is still going on in Makerfield.
Andy Burnham is apparently going to produce his own beer mats.
Anyone know what it says on them?
- "Change Labour"? - Yes. - Something like that?
But it's a design clearly nicked from
this old Northern soul badge from the '70s.
Who wants to see some Northern soul dancing from the '70s?
- AUDIENCE: - Yeah!
- From you, David? - Not yet!
MUSIC: Footsee by The Chosen Few
- It's not as good as this, though. - I know what's coming!
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
- Nice moves, Michael! - That's real Northern soul.
- That was Aberdeen, not Wigan Casino. - Proper north, yeah.
- Proper north. - Yeah.
Does Strictly beckon?
I suspect that, actually,
probably sectioning beckons, rather than Strictly.
If only you'd said that years ago!
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
Yes. This is the latest release of Mandelson Papers,
also known as the Paedo Files.
LAUGHTER
Oh!
Th-That was his mate.
But before we go any further, I should say we need to be careful
how many times we say Mandelson,
cos if you say his name three times in a row, it does summon him.
The latest release of communications with Mandelson
has cost £1 million of taxpayers' money.
- Oh! - Half of that on Tipp-Ex.
On to Round Two, The Swirl Of News.
Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's your first one.
BUZZER
Donald Trump's going to have to remove his name
from the John F Kennedy Memorial Center.
- A judge has ordered that. - Why was it ruled illegal?
Well, it's meant to be a memorial centre for John F Kennedy.
- It's meant to go through Congress. - It was meant to go through Congress.
- Exactly. - But so is everything else. - Yes. - Including the war.
But he doesn't need parliament.
Well, it was just voted through by the centre's board of trustees -
chairman of that board being...
- Donald Trump. - There you go. Yes.
But he's not giving up on his legacy that easily.
No, cos he's got plans for the 250th...
He's going to change his name to John F Kennedy!
APPLAUSE
And he wants his face on the $250 banknote.
Yeah, which the Constitution, I think, specifically says you are
not allowed to have a living person on the banknote.
Well, he keeps boasting that he's had now four cognitive tests
without ever sort of questioning why they keep giving him the test.
- You've interviewed him, haven't you, Michael? - Wow!
- I have, yes. In 2017. - Yeah.
It was quite a sympathetic interview, wasn't it?
- I prefer to think of it as balanced. - Yeah.
"Sycophantic drivel" was the phrase I was looking for.
APPLAUSE
How are the peace talks with Iran going?
It's difficult to tell. You can't really hear them
through the constant bombing.
He had a conversation, which got leaked, with Benjamin Netanyahu.
- Yes, he did. Yes. - And it was a strange case of,
again, someone finding out very, very late
what they're dealing with.
"You're Jewish?!"
LAUGHTER
He said, "You're crazy." He said, "You're effing crazy."
- Who said that? Trump? - Yeah.
And he said, "I'm saving your ass."
And he was trying to get Netanyahu to stop bombing people in Lebanon.
Yes. Apparently, according to US news website Axios,
the call descended into abuse.
And that's Trump looking in the mirror.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Meanwhile, over at RFK Jr's health department,
the US response to the hantavirus crisis is being handled
by Dr Brian Christine. There he is.
Anyone know what his specialism is?
Raising the undead.
Well, funny you should say that. He's a...
LAUGHTER
I thought I recognised him!
I was going to say, can you give me his number?
He hosted a YouTube show called...
Has the series been extended?
Having a penile implant specialist
leading the hantavirus response is ridiculous.
Bit like allowing an office interior design firm
to supply PPE during the pandemic.
LAUGHTER AND BOOING
Michael?
Any comment on that?
Er... I think...
I think that, as one looks back,
the blessed sponge of amnesia wipes the slate of memory clean.
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: - Boo!
HISSING
Yeah.
I don't think anyone's really forgotten, though, Michael.
You're in the House of Lords now,
sitting alongside other luminaries like Baroness Mone.
MOANING BOOS
That's the reaction I was looking for!
No, they're just pronouncing her name.
Yes, this is another week in the life of Donald Trump.
Several acts have now dropped out of the White House concert
to celebrate 250 years of US independence.
According to one source...
No change there, then.
As more acts dropped out of the concert, Donald Trump suggested
he might headline the event himself, saying...
There is one key difference, of course, between them.
In his prime, Elvis did sign up for the US Army.
APPLAUSE
Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's your next news swirl.
BUZZER
They're going to put a selection of wild animals,
birds and other creatures onto banknotes.
That's exactly right. Yeah. 18 British animals have been
- shortlisted to appear on new banknotes. - Mm.
- And the public gets to vote. - The public gets to vote!
A variety of animals, such as a dragonfly, a hedgehog,
or even this, a basking shark.
Voting is now open, as you say, until the 3rd of July.
I bet you they give it to Sharky McSharkface!
So what didn't make the shortlist?
- CHLOE: - Er... - Beaver. - Fox.
- Badger. It's a badger. - Badger. - Badger.
Which will be a huge relief for one man.
LAUGHTER
This is the shortlist of animals
to replace British heroes on our banknotes.
Many people have been left asking what animals will be on a banknote,
except for Gen Z, who've been left asking, "What's a banknote?"
One suggestion for the £50 note is...
Although for the City boys, a £50 note is less about puffin',
more about snorting, you know what I'm talking about?
Yes, I do.
LAUGHTER
Time now for the Missing Words Round.
We start with...
Spending too much time in a Boris Johnson Government.
I can identify with that.
According to Personnel Today...
Tell that to the cast of Rivals!
LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
Next...
That they are residents of Basingstoke.
LAUGHTER
"You're next," says Godzilla.
LAUGHTER
And finally...
That he is on Have I Got News For You
in a desperate effort to try to make ends meet.
It is actually...
- Oh. - Yes.
This is Gavin Williamson's pet tarantula. In a moving funeral,
the body was covered with a pint glass,
slipped onto a bit of card and thrown out of the nearest window.
The same thing happened to Liz Truss, didn't it?
LAUGHTER
So the final scores are...
..Ian and Chloe have three,
Paul and Michael have five!
- Unbelievable! - Well done!
On which note, we say thank you to our panellists -
Ian Hislop and Chloe Petts, Paul Merton and Michael Gove -
and I leave you with news that in Washington,
there's an awkward moment for Marco Rubio
as his tie gets caught in a desk drawer.
LAUGHTER
At Buckingham Palace, King Charles can barely hide his excitement
at meeting the President of Nigeria.
LAUGHTER
And in Kensington, there's evidence
that Michael Gove has bought and trained a new pet.
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Goodnight!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING