1 00:00:01,840 --> 00:00:04,400 I wanted to start by saying, it's such an honour to be on a panel, 2 00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:06,440 because, like, to my left is a man who was, like, my absolute hero 3 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,520 when I was growing up. Like, he was sort of my generation. 4 00:00:08,520 --> 00:00:10,320 Had posters of him all over my wall. 5 00:00:10,320 --> 00:00:12,760 - Erm... - You mean Michael? - Yeah. 6 00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:16,240 MY Secretary of State for Education. 7 00:00:16,240 --> 00:00:17,960 That's my GOAT. 8 00:00:19,240 --> 00:00:22,840 I'm delighted that I played such a joyous part in contributing 9 00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:24,760 to Chloe's future success. 10 00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:27,800 I can't read. 11 00:00:27,800 --> 00:00:30,200 AUDIENCE LAUGHS 12 00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:35,760 This programme contains some strong language 13 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:10,200 Good evening. Welcome to have I Got News for You. 14 00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:11,880 I'm David Tennant. 15 00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:15,080 In the news this week, at Buckingham Palace, the King prepares 16 00:01:15,080 --> 00:01:17,320 for his weekly meeting with Keir Starmer. 17 00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:26,040 In Washington, in the middle of a speech on valuable alliances, 18 00:01:26,040 --> 00:01:29,200 Donald Trump spots Emmanuel Macron turning up late. 19 00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:39,160 And Derek Hargreaves, from Yeovil, regrets not taking it easy 20 00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:41,400 following his haemorrhoid surgery. 21 00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:45,840 - AUDIENCE: - Oh...! 22 00:01:48,920 --> 00:01:51,760 On Ian's team tonight, a comedian who can currently be seen 23 00:01:51,760 --> 00:01:53,920 on a show called The Way Out, 24 00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:55,720 which is all about being stuck in a room and trying to find 25 00:01:55,720 --> 00:01:57,360 the quickest way to escape. 26 00:01:57,360 --> 00:01:59,240 Much like being a member of Keir Starmer's cabinet. 27 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:01,200 Please welcome Chloe Petts. 28 00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:10,120 On Paul's team tonight, a leading Conservative politician 29 00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:12,320 who was twice the Minister for Levelling Up. 30 00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:14,160 Not sure how effective he was. 31 00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:16,560 But, to be fair, he has overseen the rise of one youngster 32 00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:19,280 from a humble Scottish fishing community all the way to the peerage 33 00:02:19,280 --> 00:02:20,680 in the House of Lords. 34 00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:23,600 Please welcome Baron Michael Gove of Torry. 35 00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:31,360 We begin with the bigger news stories of the week. 36 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:33,320 - Paul and Michael, here's yours. PAUL: - Yes. 37 00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:35,680 OK, well, that's the World Cup trophy that's been presented 38 00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:37,320 to Donald Trump there. 39 00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:38,800 - MICHAEL GOVE: - That's Scotland. 40 00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:40,400 They're the winners of the World Cup, 41 00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:43,040 and they're on their way to the ceremonial camper van. 42 00:02:44,680 --> 00:02:46,240 That's Trump's cabinet. 43 00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:49,640 And that is a... 44 00:02:49,640 --> 00:02:53,000 Well, it's a shower, but not golden. 45 00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:54,280 SHOCKED LAUGHTER 46 00:02:57,000 --> 00:02:58,000 Yes. 47 00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:02,640 - Which, of course, the World Cup was. - Yes. 48 00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:05,360 We seem to have found a special subject early, Michael. 49 00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:09,720 Yes, indeed. It's the news that Scotland's campaign 50 00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:12,440 for World Cup glory kicks off next week. 51 00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:14,440 Who are Scotland up against? 52 00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:16,600 - Haiti. - Yes. 53 00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:18,040 - Brazil. - Yes. 54 00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:19,160 Morocco. 55 00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:20,840 Well done, Michael! Yes. 56 00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:22,520 AUDIENCE APPLAUDS 57 00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:26,000 That applause must be a welcome sound, Michael. 58 00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:28,520 What is it? I've never heard it before. 59 00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:31,560 Scotland's game against Brazil is in Miami. 60 00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:34,600 Local stores are preparing for the Tartan Army by stocking up 61 00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:36,320 on beer, snacks, 62 00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:39,400 and factor 1,000 sun cream. 63 00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:42,400 Both England AND Scotland have qualified. 64 00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:46,360 It's now been 60 years of hurt, Chloe. 65 00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:48,920 Is this finally the year football comes home? 66 00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:51,600 Well, it came home for the women, lest we forget. 67 00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:52,880 Yes. 68 00:03:52,880 --> 00:03:55,160 AUDIENCE CHEERS 69 00:03:56,560 --> 00:03:58,600 I think it could be coming home. 70 00:03:58,600 --> 00:04:01,960 But Trump will probably stop it at the borders, if we're honest. 71 00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:04,600 But I'm just...I'm kind of excited to see you guys. 72 00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:08,240 Like, I just am enthralled with Scott McTominay, 73 00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:12,160 because his name sounds like JK Rowling trying to name 74 00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:14,280 that one Scottish kid at Hogwarts. 75 00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:21,360 He sounds like salt-of-the-earth Scottish, 76 00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:23,280 and he just, he doesn't look like a Scot. 77 00:04:23,280 --> 00:04:25,600 Like, he looks like too well put together, and I think... 78 00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:28,680 AUDIENCE EXCLAIM 79 00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:32,760 LAUGHTER 80 00:04:32,760 --> 00:04:36,760 You, erm, touring Scotland at all? 81 00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:38,360 Not any more, no, I would say. 82 00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:41,040 I just can't wait for the whole thing. 83 00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:43,320 Give us your analysis, Ian. 84 00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:45,760 It's going to start, and then it WILL finish. 85 00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:47,240 Yes. 86 00:04:47,240 --> 00:04:51,400 What treat did England captain Harry Kane get just before...? 87 00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:53,240 - Waxwork. - Yes! 88 00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:54,520 Yeah, he was very surprised. 89 00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:56,400 - It's in Madame Tussauds. Let's look at it. - Yeah. 90 00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:58,560 - It's good, isn't it? - Yeah. 91 00:04:58,560 --> 00:05:00,720 - Yes, look at that. - Which one is it? 92 00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:04,040 I don't think he went to Madame Tussauds wearing 93 00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:05,880 the England shirt, so... 94 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:08,320 It does look a lot like Harry Kane, which is more than can be said 95 00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:11,400 for these waxworks of David and Victoria Beckham. 96 00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:15,400 Oh. 97 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:18,600 Any guesses who these three are? 98 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:20,400 Uh, is that Paul Gascoigne in the middle? 99 00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:21,600 Yes. 100 00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:23,400 Is that Glenn Hoddle on the left? 101 00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:25,080 It's not Glenn Hoddle, no. 102 00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:26,480 - Bryan Robson. - No. 103 00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:28,880 - Anwar Sadat. - I mean... 104 00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:30,560 - CHLOE PETTS: - Gary Lineker! - Yes! 105 00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:32,520 - Oh! - Gary Lineker! Well done. 106 00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:35,280 What item has been unveiled that hopes to bring England 107 00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:37,800 and Scotland fans together at the World Cup? 108 00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:39,160 - Oh, yes. - Oh... 109 00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:41,080 Yes, it's a half Scotland, half England shirt. 110 00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:42,880 That's exactly it. 111 00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:44,240 Which neither country will buy. 112 00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:45,800 Fans won't want to have a Scotland emblem, 113 00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:47,720 and Scotland certainly won't want an England emblem, 114 00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:49,160 so nobody's going to buy it. 115 00:05:49,160 --> 00:05:51,320 You can get them in Iceland. Let's have a look. 116 00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:54,200 There you go. 117 00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:54,200 AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS 118 00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:57,200 Oh, it's not getting a good response in the studio, is it? 119 00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:59,680 I didn't realise Iceland were playing. 120 00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:04,120 Formerly the Republic of Bejam. 121 00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:07,560 These three people are clearly thinking, 122 00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:09,920 "If I shut my eyes, I'm not being photographed." 123 00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:14,920 I think on the left is Gary Lineker... 124 00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:19,920 Who is Scotland's biggest supporter? 125 00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:21,320 - MICHAEL: - Rod Stewart. 126 00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:23,320 Yes... Well, it's another singer. 127 00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:24,840 - CHLOE: - Susan Boyle? 128 00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:26,480 That's it! Do you know why? 129 00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:29,520 Yes, because she's done this Irn-Bru advert, 130 00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:33,640 where she break-dances in front of a bridge. 131 00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:35,080 We've got to have a look at this. 132 00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:37,000 Take it to the bridge, Su-Bo! 133 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:39,360 # We may not be the pundits' favourites to win 134 00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:42,880 # But what we lack in flair is made up with McGinn 135 00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:44,760 # We're going to deep-fry your hot dogs 136 00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:47,040 # We're the Tartan Army 137 00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:48,600 # Let's all go commando 138 00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:51,040 # No Scotland, no party 139 00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:57,120 # We're made in Scotland from girders 140 00:06:57,120 --> 00:06:59,840 # Everybody sing 141 00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:02,240 # Cos we're made from girders 142 00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:05,640 # And we'll make it through anything. # 143 00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:11,720 AUDIENCE APPLAUDS 144 00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:15,440 I think it's sensational. 145 00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:17,440 - I think it's sensational. - Unironically, I love it. 146 00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:18,720 Yeah. 147 00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:21,600 I think it's Scotland's answer to Vindaloo, certainly. 148 00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:25,920 And Vindaloo is personally my favourite ever football song. 149 00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:28,800 I think it should be England's national anthem. 150 00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:32,120 It's catchy, and it's sung by a man called Fat Les, 151 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:34,720 which is actually how I personally identify. 152 00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:42,920 While we're on the subject, does anyone remember...? 153 00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:44,760 Subject of what?! 154 00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:47,840 Oh, football! 155 00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:50,280 - Scottish World Cup song. - Sorry. Yes. 156 00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:53,120 While we're on the subject, anyone remember the Scottish anthem 157 00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:56,200 from the 1978 World Cup in Argentina? 158 00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:58,160 We're on the march with Ally's army. 159 00:07:58,160 --> 00:08:00,320 - Yeah. - We're going to the Argentine. 160 00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:01,880 - Yep, yep... - We'll really shake them up. 161 00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:03,600 - Do you remember... - We'll win the World Cup cos Scotland 162 00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:06,000 - are the greatest football team. - Oh, God. Well done! 163 00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:08,840 AUDIENCE APPLAUDS 164 00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:11,960 Do you know, I preferred you talking about levelling up. 165 00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:21,200 Solid knowledge, though. Solid knowledge. 166 00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:24,760 Can I just say, at this point, that I've always liked experts? 167 00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:27,200 AUDIENCE LAUGHS 168 00:08:32,560 --> 00:08:34,880 Well, England, they don't seem to have a World Cup anthem 169 00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:36,480 this year, apparently. 170 00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:38,280 Would anyone like to suggest one? 171 00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:40,840 I had thought that it was going to be a reworked version 172 00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:42,560 of The Beatles, Come Together. 173 00:08:42,560 --> 00:08:43,880 Or Help! 174 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:47,120 Don't they still... 175 00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:49,000 ..sing the one about the shirt? 176 00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:51,280 - Three Lions on the shirt? - That's the one. 177 00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:55,280 I think I've been brought on to this show today to translate football 178 00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:57,040 to you... 179 00:08:57,040 --> 00:09:00,080 ..and act as your bouncer, in case you go for Michael Gove. 180 00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:07,040 Meanwhile, how did one football fan get in trouble with police 181 00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:09,680 after the Champions League final last Saturday? 182 00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:11,840 - Uh... - French fan. 183 00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:13,400 England fans put flares up their butts. 184 00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:15,600 Did he put a baguette up there? 185 00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:18,600 I mean, you're in the right ballpark. 186 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,560 - Quite. - Unfortunately. 187 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:22,280 An eclair? 188 00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:23,920 It was a large garlic sausage. 189 00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:25,640 Ah. 190 00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:28,800 Following riots in Paris after PSG's victory, a French fan has been 191 00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:31,320 sentenced to four months' house arrest for... 192 00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:35,320 The fan pleaded... 193 00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:37,200 FRENCH ACCENT: "I didn't intend to throw it at him. 194 00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:39,120 "I just wanted to get rid of it." 195 00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:44,160 Is he here? Is he here? 196 00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:47,560 It is amazing what RADA can do for things, isn't it? 197 00:09:47,560 --> 00:09:49,400 NORMAL VOICE: The judge was having none of it. 198 00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:51,440 GRUFF FRENCH ACCENT: "You may be trembling now! 199 00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:55,120 "But your hand didn't tremble when you threw that sausage 200 00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:56,920 "at the policeman! 201 00:09:56,920 --> 00:09:58,760 "Huh?!" 202 00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:02,240 AUDIENCE APPLAUDS 203 00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:08,480 I think we know who's starring in the remake 204 00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:11,360 - of the Pink Panther now. - Thank you very much. 205 00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:14,880 As the last show of the series, I've got a game for you. 206 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:16,680 - Hey! - Ooh! 207 00:10:16,680 --> 00:10:18,440 It's called the Funny Name Quiz. 208 00:10:18,440 --> 00:10:21,160 - OK. - Fingers on buzzers. Here's your first one. 209 00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:23,520 What is the name of a former Tory councillor for 210 00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:25,960 the Solihull Metropolitan Borough Council? 211 00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:29,920 Is it Derek Pothole? 212 00:10:31,520 --> 00:10:32,720 BELL RINGS 213 00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:34,120 - Yes? - I don't have anything. 214 00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:35,840 I just wanted us to respect the buzzer system. 215 00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:37,320 Thank you! 216 00:10:40,680 --> 00:10:43,120 It's because I had a very punitive education. 217 00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:50,720 His glorious name is Bob Sleigh. 218 00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:55,120 The trouble about this quiz is there's no chance 219 00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:57,880 of us getting any of it right. 220 00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:01,160 Yes, this is the World Cup. 221 00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:03,440 And England manager Thomas Tuchel has named his team 222 00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:04,920 to win the tournament. 223 00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:06,400 Spain. 224 00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:11,640 Ticket prices for the World Cup matches have been quoted 225 00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:14,720 as high as £12,000. 226 00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:17,640 If you want to see Scotland's opening game, however, Peter Murrell 227 00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:20,560 has got four executive tickets - he can't use them any more. 228 00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:27,280 Ian and Chloe, here's yours. 229 00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:30,560 That's Peter Mandelson, with a red box, 230 00:11:30,560 --> 00:11:32,200 perhaps a suitcase, 231 00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:34,960 heading towards incarceration. I don't know. 232 00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:38,160 The candidate for the by-election. 233 00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:39,800 Text, screens. 234 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:41,600 Andy Burnham. 235 00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:43,480 A turbulent week in politics, I think we can agree. 236 00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:45,280 A turbulent week. 237 00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:48,080 I think what we've seen is a large number of members of the Cabinet 238 00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:52,160 stabbing each other in the back, in the hope of becoming leader. 239 00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:53,760 Michael? 240 00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:01,680 This is an unprecedented departure from the high standards 241 00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:03,920 that have been set by previous governments. 242 00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:05,640 Yes... 243 00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:07,560 I mean, how does it feel? 244 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:10,120 I mean, you're in cabinet, you're being polite, 245 00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:12,040 you're pretending to support them, 246 00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:14,040 then you go out, you stab them in the back. 247 00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:15,560 How do you feel? 248 00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:17,080 Erm, well... 249 00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:19,960 It obviously depends on whose back you're stabbing. 250 00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:22,480 - In some cases, it's a solemn duty. - Yeah. 251 00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:24,480 In other cases, it's a positive pleasure. 252 00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:25,760 Right. 253 00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:29,720 SCATTERED APPLAUSE 254 00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:31,920 - CHLOE: - This is amazing. 255 00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:33,960 You tried to be leader a couple of times, didn't you? 256 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:35,120 - Twice. - Twice. 257 00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:36,680 How did that go? 258 00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:39,000 Uh, I came third both times, 259 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:40,840 which is, erm... 260 00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:44,040 ..an unmemorable double humiliation. 261 00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:46,240 You did stop Boris being leader once. 262 00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:47,920 I did, yes. 263 00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:50,800 But as we all, I think, subsequently know, that was only 264 00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:52,640 a temporary alleviation. 265 00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:54,000 Yeah. 266 00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:56,280 But it was your one good deed in this life. 267 00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:59,280 AUDIENCE LAUGHS 268 00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:04,120 But Mandelson, I mean, people say, you know, 269 00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:06,400 it's extraordinary how he survived. 270 00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:08,360 But, I mean, you were sacked, and then dismissed, 271 00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:10,320 and then you always came back. 272 00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:15,360 I mean, there are cockroaches I know who were in awe of your... 273 00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:17,520 ..ability. 274 00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:19,120 I preferred Cameron's definition - 275 00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:21,040 he said you had one overriding quality... 276 00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:22,440 Have I got this right? 277 00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:24,040 ..which was disloyalty. 278 00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:25,840 AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS 279 00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:28,720 - I think I have many other good qualities, as well. - Yeah. 280 00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:31,280 I can't think of any. But that's a good one. 281 00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:32,560 Anyway... 282 00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:35,400 - Perfidy, treachery. - Yeah. 283 00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:37,520 Why is Mandelson in such trouble? 284 00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:40,080 What dropped on Monday? What did we have on Monday? 285 00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:42,160 - More files. - More files. - WhatsApp groups. 286 00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:43,480 Exactly. 287 00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:46,240 The Mandelson files were heralded as a big bombshell of shit 288 00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:48,480 that was going to fall on the Government. 289 00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:49,920 It was a bit of a damp squib, wasn't it? 290 00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:52,960 It was a bit of a damp squib. There was nothing terribly shocking - 291 00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:55,640 the fact that all these members of the cabinet had been bitchy 292 00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:59,320 - about each other behind their backs and had been plotting and... - Yeah. 293 00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:02,360 But there was one big shock, which was Pat McFadden. 294 00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:05,080 - Mm! - Cos he said something sensible. 295 00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:06,440 - Yes. - Um... 296 00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:09,360 LAUGHTER 297 00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:12,080 About weighing up benefits and taxes. 298 00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:14,880 Work and Pensions Secretary Pat McFadden said 299 00:14:14,880 --> 00:14:17,640 Labour MPs are only interested in one question... 300 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:23,360 I mean, it's a good question. Who can we tax to pay benefits others? 301 00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:26,280 - Yeah. - I think magazine editors, probably. 302 00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:27,840 - AUDIENCE: - Oh! - Well! 303 00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:29,080 - CHLOE: - I'll get him! 304 00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:32,240 Both of us! 305 00:14:32,240 --> 00:14:34,680 - I mean, Amazon? - Well, that would be good. 306 00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:37,680 In amongst the Mandelson WhatsApps and emails, what did we learn about 307 00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:40,800 the Government's attitude to mobile phone technology? 308 00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:45,320 Well, Keir Starmer uses an app which makes you disappear. 309 00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:46,600 That's right. 310 00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:48,240 CHLOE GASPS 311 00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:48,240 YOU disappear? 312 00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:50,840 Your previous correspondence disappears. 313 00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:54,200 But it means he hasn't got anything incriminating, 314 00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:56,320 which is really useful because it means 315 00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:59,160 he doesn't then have to get his phone stolen by anyone. 316 00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:02,760 He's got a disappearing WhatsApp message function 317 00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:04,720 - on his mobile phone. - Yes, that's what it's called. 318 00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:07,200 It is permitted by ministerial guidelines 319 00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:09,080 as long as it doesn't affect... 320 00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:14,960 In the old days, you used to get into trouble with emails, though, 321 00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:16,240 didn't you, Michael? 322 00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:18,240 Um... Never! 323 00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:20,080 When you were in the Department for Education, 324 00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:23,200 there was a bit of a problem about you handing them over, wasn't there? 325 00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:25,240 Oh, no, I was always very happy to hand them over. 326 00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:26,880 You just couldn't find them. 327 00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:28,680 Some of them went missing, yes. 328 00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:32,600 Just to say, nothing changes. 329 00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:37,080 We saw Reform candidate Robert Kenyon there. 330 00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:39,640 - Yes. - Did you see his interview with the BBC? 331 00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:42,120 - Yes. - Yeah? - He had to say, 332 00:15:42,120 --> 00:15:45,040 "I've not made sexual remarks about Carol Vorderman." 333 00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:50,520 Which I think is like if you put Bill Clinton's 334 00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:54,000 "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" through AI 335 00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:55,680 and said, "Make it British." 336 00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:03,160 He was asked if he'd said that Brexit was an economically damaged 337 00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:05,880 project promoted by politicians who... 338 00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:10,280 He replied... 339 00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:17,720 He really is in the wrong party! 340 00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:21,520 Nick Clegg claimed that the late Queen had expressed support 341 00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:24,240 of Brexit at a private lunch. 342 00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:27,280 Who told him that...Michael? 343 00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:29,120 LAUGHTER 344 00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:30,760 I wouldn't know. 345 00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:34,080 - It was claimed it was you, though. - Yes, it was. 346 00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:35,400 Oh, I wouldn't know. 347 00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:37,280 - You wouldn't. - You wouldn't know that it was you, 348 00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:39,600 or you wouldn't know that it wasn't you? 349 00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:41,080 I wouldn't know. 350 00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:44,440 - CHLOE: - This is amazing! You know so much until you don't know anything. 351 00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:47,640 Well... 352 00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:49,040 Wow! 353 00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:54,560 Kenyon told the BBC... 354 00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:02,240 Does Nigel Farage know about that? 355 00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:05,280 Has he been behaving in a certain way? 356 00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:08,400 No. He's been trying to exploit a tragedy 357 00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:13,360 for his own personal political gain, which is rather nauseating. 358 00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:16,280 He's been rightly criticised by nearly everybody. 359 00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:18,680 He did exactly what the family asked everyone not to do, 360 00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:21,280 was to turn this into a divisive issue. 361 00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:24,120 Yes. His comments following the trial over the murder of Henry Nowak 362 00:17:24,120 --> 00:17:27,560 about "pure cold rage" and anticipating more trouble in 363 00:17:27,560 --> 00:17:30,440 the streets were condemned by all sides of the House. 364 00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:33,520 His defenders said that he should not be held responsible for what 365 00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:38,480 happened because he'd specifically called for cold rage, not hot rage. 366 00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:41,240 - Yeah. - Obviously, if it had been gently warm rage... 367 00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:43,600 - Or even far-rage! - ..that might have been... 368 00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:45,600 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 369 00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:51,840 Elon Musk's nice, isn't he? 370 00:17:51,840 --> 00:17:54,920 LAUGHTER 371 00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:01,360 Isn't that an aftershave? 372 00:18:01,360 --> 00:18:03,760 LAUGHTER 373 00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:06,280 {\an8}Yes. The by-election is still going on in Makerfield. 374 00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:09,240 {\an8}Andy Burnham is apparently going to produce his own beer mats. 375 00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:11,040 {\an8}Anyone know what it says on them? 376 00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:13,640 {\an8}- "Change Labour"? - Yes. - Something like that? 377 00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:17,120 But it's a design clearly nicked from 378 00:18:17,120 --> 00:18:19,240 this old Northern soul badge from the '70s. 379 00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:23,600 Who wants to see some Northern soul dancing from the '70s? 380 00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:25,040 - AUDIENCE: - Yeah! 381 00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:26,680 - From you, David? - Not yet! 382 00:18:26,680 --> 00:18:29,920 MUSIC: Footsee by The Chosen Few 383 00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:35,760 - It's not as good as this, though. - I know what's coming! 384 00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:37,760 DANCE MUSIC PLAYS 385 00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:43,200 LAUGHTER 386 00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:58,760 APPLAUSE 387 00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:01,720 - Nice moves, Michael! - That's real Northern soul. 388 00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:04,080 - That was Aberdeen, not Wigan Casino. - Proper north, yeah. 389 00:19:04,080 --> 00:19:05,360 - Proper north. - Yeah. 390 00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:07,080 Does Strictly beckon? 391 00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:08,840 I suspect that, actually, 392 00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:11,560 probably sectioning beckons, rather than Strictly. 393 00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:16,400 If only you'd said that years ago! 394 00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:18,720 SCATTERED APPLAUSE 395 00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:21,800 Yes. This is the latest release of Mandelson Papers, 396 00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:24,000 also known as the Paedo Files. 397 00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:25,960 LAUGHTER 398 00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:25,960 Oh! 399 00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:32,720 Th-That was his mate. 400 00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:37,560 But before we go any further, I should say we need to be careful 401 00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:39,440 how many times we say Mandelson, 402 00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:42,680 cos if you say his name three times in a row, it does summon him. 403 00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:46,120 The latest release of communications with Mandelson 404 00:19:46,120 --> 00:19:50,000 has cost £1 million of taxpayers' money. 405 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:52,080 - Oh! - Half of that on Tipp-Ex. 406 00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:57,040 On to Round Two, The Swirl Of News. 407 00:19:57,040 --> 00:20:00,000 Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's your first one. 408 00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:06,920 BUZZER 409 00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:08,520 Donald Trump's going to have to remove his name 410 00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:10,680 from the John F Kennedy Memorial Center. 411 00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:13,520 - A judge has ordered that. - Why was it ruled illegal? 412 00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:16,400 Well, it's meant to be a memorial centre for John F Kennedy. 413 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:21,360 - It's meant to go through Congress. - It was meant to go through Congress. 414 00:20:21,360 --> 00:20:23,920 - Exactly. - But so is everything else. - Yes. - Including the war. 415 00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:25,800 But he doesn't need parliament. 416 00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:29,000 Well, it was just voted through by the centre's board of trustees - 417 00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:30,680 chairman of that board being... 418 00:20:30,680 --> 00:20:33,320 - Donald Trump. - There you go. Yes. 419 00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:35,960 But he's not giving up on his legacy that easily. 420 00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:38,840 No, cos he's got plans for the 250th... 421 00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:41,120 He's going to change his name to John F Kennedy! 422 00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:45,000 APPLAUSE 423 00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:47,600 And he wants his face on the $250 banknote. 424 00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:51,280 Yeah, which the Constitution, I think, specifically says you are 425 00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:54,240 not allowed to have a living person on the banknote. 426 00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:56,920 Well, he keeps boasting that he's had now four cognitive tests 427 00:20:56,920 --> 00:20:59,800 without ever sort of questioning why they keep giving him the test. 428 00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:03,680 - You've interviewed him, haven't you, Michael? - Wow! 429 00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:06,840 - I have, yes. In 2017. - Yeah. 430 00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:09,680 It was quite a sympathetic interview, wasn't it? 431 00:21:09,680 --> 00:21:12,280 - I prefer to think of it as balanced. - Yeah. 432 00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:16,120 "Sycophantic drivel" was the phrase I was looking for. 433 00:21:16,120 --> 00:21:18,840 APPLAUSE 434 00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:22,960 How are the peace talks with Iran going? 435 00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:24,760 It's difficult to tell. You can't really hear them 436 00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:26,720 through the constant bombing. 437 00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:32,880 He had a conversation, which got leaked, with Benjamin Netanyahu. 438 00:21:32,880 --> 00:21:35,760 - Yes, he did. Yes. - And it was a strange case of, 439 00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:38,520 again, someone finding out very, very late 440 00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:40,080 what they're dealing with. 441 00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:41,520 "You're Jewish?!" 442 00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:44,160 LAUGHTER 443 00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:52,320 He said, "You're crazy." He said, "You're effing crazy." 444 00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:53,920 - Who said that? Trump? - Yeah. 445 00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:56,360 And he said, "I'm saving your ass." 446 00:21:56,360 --> 00:22:00,320 And he was trying to get Netanyahu to stop bombing people in Lebanon. 447 00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:03,520 Yes. Apparently, according to US news website Axios, 448 00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:05,440 the call descended into abuse. 449 00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:15,760 And that's Trump looking in the mirror. 450 00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:17,800 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 451 00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:22,760 Meanwhile, over at RFK Jr's health department, 452 00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:26,080 the US response to the hantavirus crisis is being handled 453 00:22:26,080 --> 00:22:28,720 by Dr Brian Christine. There he is. 454 00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:30,960 Anyone know what his specialism is? 455 00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:33,600 Raising the undead. 456 00:22:33,600 --> 00:22:36,240 Well, funny you should say that. He's a... 457 00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:37,920 LAUGHTER 458 00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:39,560 I thought I recognised him! 459 00:22:39,560 --> 00:22:43,000 I was going to say, can you give me his number? 460 00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:45,520 He hosted a YouTube show called... 461 00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:51,200 Has the series been extended? 462 00:22:57,360 --> 00:22:59,280 Having a penile implant specialist 463 00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:01,920 leading the hantavirus response is ridiculous. 464 00:23:01,920 --> 00:23:04,120 Bit like allowing an office interior design firm 465 00:23:04,120 --> 00:23:06,440 to supply PPE during the pandemic. 466 00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:09,080 LAUGHTER AND BOOING 467 00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:11,360 Michael? 468 00:23:11,360 --> 00:23:12,840 Any comment on that? 469 00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:14,520 Er... I think... 470 00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:17,400 I think that, as one looks back, 471 00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:20,520 the blessed sponge of amnesia wipes the slate of memory clean. 472 00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:22,200 - AUDIENCE MEMBER: - Boo! 473 00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:22,200 HISSING 474 00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:23,560 Yeah. 475 00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:27,200 I don't think anyone's really forgotten, though, Michael. 476 00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:29,120 You're in the House of Lords now, 477 00:23:29,120 --> 00:23:32,280 sitting alongside other luminaries like Baroness Mone. 478 00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:34,240 MOANING BOOS 479 00:23:34,240 --> 00:23:36,800 That's the reaction I was looking for! 480 00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:38,840 No, they're just pronouncing her name. 481 00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:44,880 Yes, this is another week in the life of Donald Trump. 482 00:23:44,880 --> 00:23:47,840 Several acts have now dropped out of the White House concert 483 00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:50,720 to celebrate 250 years of US independence. 484 00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:52,560 According to one source... 485 00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:56,760 No change there, then. 486 00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:01,840 As more acts dropped out of the concert, Donald Trump suggested 487 00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:04,680 he might headline the event himself, saying... 488 00:24:08,800 --> 00:24:11,120 There is one key difference, of course, between them. 489 00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:14,160 In his prime, Elvis did sign up for the US Army. 490 00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:17,000 APPLAUSE 491 00:24:19,640 --> 00:24:23,360 Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's your next news swirl. 492 00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:29,360 BUZZER 493 00:24:29,360 --> 00:24:31,160 They're going to put a selection of wild animals, 494 00:24:31,160 --> 00:24:33,640 birds and other creatures onto banknotes. 495 00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:36,160 That's exactly right. Yeah. 18 British animals have been 496 00:24:36,160 --> 00:24:39,000 - shortlisted to appear on new banknotes. - Mm. 497 00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:42,120 - And the public gets to vote. - The public gets to vote! 498 00:24:42,120 --> 00:24:45,280 A variety of animals, such as a dragonfly, a hedgehog, 499 00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:48,520 or even this, a basking shark. 500 00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:52,160 Voting is now open, as you say, until the 3rd of July. 501 00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:54,840 I bet you they give it to Sharky McSharkface! 502 00:24:56,280 --> 00:24:58,480 So what didn't make the shortlist? 503 00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:00,240 - CHLOE: - Er... - Beaver. - Fox. 504 00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:02,720 - Badger. It's a badger. - Badger. - Badger. 505 00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:04,520 Which will be a huge relief for one man. 506 00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:16,120 LAUGHTER 507 00:25:16,120 --> 00:25:17,720 This is the shortlist of animals 508 00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:20,680 to replace British heroes on our banknotes. 509 00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:24,240 Many people have been left asking what animals will be on a banknote, 510 00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:27,560 except for Gen Z, who've been left asking, "What's a banknote?" 511 00:25:29,880 --> 00:25:32,800 One suggestion for the £50 note is... 512 00:25:34,120 --> 00:25:36,600 Although for the City boys, a £50 note is less about puffin', 513 00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:39,640 more about snorting, you know what I'm talking about? 514 00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:41,080 Yes, I do. 515 00:25:41,080 --> 00:25:43,360 LAUGHTER 516 00:25:43,360 --> 00:25:45,400 Time now for the Missing Words Round. 517 00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:46,760 We start with... 518 00:25:50,360 --> 00:25:53,120 Spending too much time in a Boris Johnson Government. 519 00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:00,680 I can identify with that. 520 00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:08,320 According to Personnel Today... 521 00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:13,000 Tell that to the cast of Rivals! 522 00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:16,520 LAUGHTER AND CHEERING 523 00:26:16,520 --> 00:26:17,800 Next... 524 00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:23,520 That they are residents of Basingstoke. 525 00:26:23,520 --> 00:26:25,520 LAUGHTER 526 00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:27,560 "You're next," says Godzilla. 527 00:26:27,560 --> 00:26:29,560 LAUGHTER 528 00:26:37,360 --> 00:26:38,760 And finally... 529 00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:44,760 That he is on Have I Got News For You 530 00:26:44,760 --> 00:26:48,600 in a desperate effort to try to make ends meet. 531 00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:50,880 It is actually... 532 00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:52,160 - Oh. - Yes. 533 00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:55,160 This is Gavin Williamson's pet tarantula. In a moving funeral, 534 00:26:55,160 --> 00:26:57,720 the body was covered with a pint glass, 535 00:26:57,720 --> 00:27:00,320 slipped onto a bit of card and thrown out of the nearest window. 536 00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:06,040 The same thing happened to Liz Truss, didn't it? 537 00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:08,320 LAUGHTER 538 00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:12,560 So the final scores are... 539 00:27:12,560 --> 00:27:13,960 ..Ian and Chloe have three, 540 00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:16,120 Paul and Michael have five! 541 00:27:16,120 --> 00:27:17,880 - Unbelievable! - Well done! 542 00:27:20,920 --> 00:27:23,760 On which note, we say thank you to our panellists - 543 00:27:23,760 --> 00:27:26,600 Ian Hislop and Chloe Petts, Paul Merton and Michael Gove - 544 00:27:26,600 --> 00:27:28,960 and I leave you with news that in Washington, 545 00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:31,160 there's an awkward moment for Marco Rubio 546 00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:33,600 as his tie gets caught in a desk drawer. 547 00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:37,920 LAUGHTER 548 00:27:37,920 --> 00:27:40,680 At Buckingham Palace, King Charles can barely hide his excitement 549 00:27:40,680 --> 00:27:42,920 at meeting the President of Nigeria. 550 00:27:44,200 --> 00:27:47,920 LAUGHTER 551 00:27:51,840 --> 00:27:53,840 And in Kensington, there's evidence 552 00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:56,720 that Michael Gove has bought and trained a new pet. 553 00:27:56,720 --> 00:27:58,360 DANCE MUSIC PLAYS 554 00:27:58,360 --> 00:28:00,400 LAUGHTER 555 00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:02,400 APPLAUSE 556 00:28:08,160 --> 00:28:09,720 Goodnight! 557 00:28:09,720 --> 00:28:13,840 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING