This programme contains very strong language.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
Hello and welcome to Have I Got News For Boris.
I'm Jack Dee.
As his first premiership draws to a close, Boris Johnson
is criticised for going on holiday yet again.
But promises aides he'll keep a low profile in Greece.
At his first medical checkup since leaving office,
Boris Johnson regrets blocking public sector pay rises as a GP
prepares him for a suppository.
LAUGHTER.
And there's evidence that before the Johnsons got married,
Boris was given a graphic warning by Carrie's mum.
On Ian's team tonight is a comedian brought up in Malaysia who says
he has fond memories of his mum coming back from England with tapes
of Have I Got News For You.
It's a lovely story but technically a breach of copyright,
so our lawyers will be in touch.
Please welcome Phil Wang.
APPLAUSE.
And on Paul's team tonight is a broadcaster and journalist
who once complained of a terminal blight in the British TV
industry being the four Ms.
Male, middle-class, middle-aged and mediocre.
Well, she's hit the jackpot tonight.
Please welcome Janet Street-Porter.
APPLAUSE.
Tonight we wiff-waff goodbye to Boris Johnson and look back
at his life and career as a father, husband, journalist,
Mayor of London, husband, Foreign Secretary, father,
Prime Minister, father, husband, and father.
What will you all miss most of all about Boris the Prime Minister?
Ian?
I suppose I'll really miss being able to say
this will end badly.
Because it did.
And I suppose I'll miss his use of language.
Tonight, I'm wearing a tie with balloons on it,
but it's not a party.
This is a work event for me.
APPLAUSE.
Janet?
You say what are we going to miss about him?
But how do we know he's not going to be back?
I think you know something we might not know, Janet.
I just look at the opinion polls.
43% of the Tory members at the moment would rather have
Boris back than either of the other two.
But that's because Matron has just gone around with coffee.
Trying to wake them up a bit.
"Who do you want to be Prime Minister, dear?"
"It's nice Mr Disraeli?"
This show, by the way, has been billed by the BBC as a tribute.
Tribute? Funny way to spell "good riddance".
APPLAUSE.
Well, I hope it's going to be balanced.
Oh, absolutely, yeah.
If it isn't balanced, I'm going to flounce
off and join a podcast.
I'd like to see Ian flounce.
Do you do a good flounce?
Very good.
Better than I thought it would be, actually.
As this is a special edition of Have I Got News For You,
we're going to start the show with the Odd One Out round,
partly in the hope that it might not get junked as it usually does.
So just one between you this weel, and your four are Darius Guppy, Pop,
painting and Janet Street Porter.
That is to Darius Guppy, who went to jail.
He was a fraudster, and the first time Boris appeared on this show,
we made reference to a tape of Boris Johnson and Darius Guppy
conspiring to inflict harm on a journalist who had found out
that this man was a fraudster.
And Boris was incredibly embarrassed.
And pretended he hadn't done it.
Who would have known what would happen?
Have I mispronounced him?
I called him DARRY-US Guppy?
Well, we are just common.
Well, speak for yourself.
By the way, Ian hasn't answered the question.
Have you not spotted that?
Look, this is the Boris Johnson show.
I'm not going to answer any questions!
APPLAUSE.
Give us a clue, then.
I'll give you more than a clue - I'll give you the answer.
They're all topics of discussion on the first two times that
Boris Johnson appeared on Have I Got News For You,
apart from Janet Street-Porter, who was there on both
occasions discussing them.
Janet, did you see it all coming when you were working
with Boris on that occasion?
I mean, I've met him before.
He came round to my house to be interviewed by me and he didn't
answer a single question then.
And when I asked him if he had taken cocaine, he went,
"I'm not answering that, I'm not answering that."
If the question is have you taken cocaine and the answer is I'm
not answering that...
Clearly the answer is they did.
Unless The Word didn't make them look lame.
Why was Boris unhappy to see Darius Guppy discussed on the show?
Well, because there was evidence in this tape recording that he had
basically conspired to inflict harm on a journalist who was trying
to turn up a story.
We can remind ourselves of that moment, actually.
Shall we watch it?
Oh, God!
What were you recorded saying?
Honestly, I don't remember.
I do!
APPLAUSE.
Boris was on tape talking to Darius Guppy, his...
Very great man.
I don't want to be totally stitched up here.
What you want and what you don't want...
And one of the ways he went wrong is ringing you up on tape
and suggesting that you help him beat up a journalist
who was looking into him.
That did come up.
See, I've been totally stitched up. I want it on the record.
I've walked straight into a massive elephant trap.
I should have spotted that.
Well, after that embarrassment, Boris wrote a piece in The Telegraph
attacking this show and claiming that it was all scripted, which of
course is categorically...is...
Sorry, I'll just read that again...
APPLAUSE.
Categorically not the case.
Who or what is Pop at Eton?
It is a society of Eton and they vote for a very small group
of people to belong to this thing, and it means they can
wear a waistcoat.
Yes, more or less.
Oh, and then they can join the cabinet.
It's an elite institution within the otherwise egalitarian
paradise of Eton College.
Here's Boris getting uncomfortable with Pop
being brought up in the show.
The answer is they were all Poppers.
The name of an elite society at Eton, except for James Bond,
who was kicked out of Eton, in fact, after only two terms.
I've heard of this Pop.
What does Pop stand for?
Oh, no, no...
What are you doing under the table, Boris?
APPLAUSE.
You're not going to Pop now, are you?
It looks like I'm wearing a wig there.
I look like Angus Deaton, don't I?
It's weird!
According to one source, historically, only members
of Pop were entitled to furl their umbrellas.
No, no, no, you may scoff at such traditions, but it does prepare
a gentleman for the essential life skills of umbrella stewardship.
Finally, painting.
Janet, you asked Boris about what sort of art he had
on his walls and he replied that he painted his own, I believe?
Yes, he said he was good at watercolours.
That was 1999.
But he was still at it 20 years later.
Shall we have a look at what he's been doing recently?
What do you do to relax?
What do you do to switch off?
I...
I like to...
..paint.
Or I make things.
What do you make?
I make...
I have a thing where I make models of...
When I was Mayor of London, we built a beautiful...
I make buses.
This says a lot for the educational qualities of Eton, doesn't it?
There was a rumour, Ian, that the Tory strategist
Lynton Crosby suggested that Boris reveal this slightly crackpot aspect
of his character in order to get the media to report it,
so that when people googled "Boris" and "bus", this was the story that
would that would come up, and not the Brexit
bus, £350 million...
And obviously that worked, because nobody talks
about that any more, do they?
No, it's not the first bus you think of when you think of him.
You think of the one under which he threw
everyone else in his party.
APPLAUSE.
So, Ian and Paul, you must have been delighted that your master plan
to make Boris a celebrity succeeded?
Yes, I thought proving that he couldn't even run a panel
show would immediately mean that people would say he
should run the country.
And so it happened, just like that.
I'm only here because I want to be Home Secretary in five years.
It made sense to Boris to come on this panel show
because he could have done Would I Lie To You,
but you occasionally have to tell the truth on that.
We've seen him go from landslide election victory to resignation
in less than three years.
But who is responsible for the downfall of Alexander Boris
de Pfeffel Johnson?
Fingers on buzzers.
Paul and Janet.
Well, I think this programme has hit a new low where, on a show
dedicated to Boris Johnson, you're showing us a picture
of Boris Johnson and asking us to identify who it is.
I thought we'd start with the easy ones.
Is it George Formby?
Boris Johnson, yes.
It's Boris Johnson.
Is he responsible for his downfall?
Well, I would say so, yeah.
How did Boris initially respond to being told to go?
"I'm not going."
According to The Times, he told Tory MPs, "Lock that."
Continuing, "I'm the leader that won you lockers your elections."
Which is fair comment.
To be fair to him, "lock that" is just his normal
internal monologue anyway.
It might have just slipped out.
Weren't they a boy band in the '90s?
APPLAUSE.
Who or what did Boris blame for his demise?
In his resignation speech, specifically?
The herd?
Yes, he pointedly said that his departure was "the will
of the Conservative Parliamentary Party."
So there must have been uproar amongst voters across the country.
Shall we see some of them?
Yes!
Yay!
We don't talk about politics.
LAUGHTER.
You don't look too sad?
Exactly!
I didn't even know he resigned.
I've just finished work, so...
Well, that's a bit of good news for the day, I suppose, isn't it?
What do you think about Boris Johnson resigning today?
I want him to go.
He's a pain in the arse.
APPLAUSE.
That man should be given his own sitcom.
Yeah!
Although, according to one poll, 40% of party members now
say they want him back.
There's a lot of short-term memory loss amongst older people.
Don't look at me while you're saying that!
No!
I mean, 50 people, 50 ministers resigned in 24 hours.
It's never happened in history.
He resigned because he was unfit for office.
That's it, that's the story.
Wasn't the trigger Chris Pincher, the MP that he appointed
Deputy Chief Whip...
That's interesting, because he might come up.
I can't promise, but Chris Pincher as a subject might...
Let's have another spin of the Randomiser...
Let's see who comes up next.
Yay!
There he is!
Yes, he is alleged to have groped two men in the undercroft.
In the where?
That's near Marylebone Station, isn't it?
It was actually in an area of the Carlton Club
called Cad's Corner.
Boris Johnson is known to have joked, "Pincher by name,
Pincher by nature."
What a brilliant quip that was.
Someone who gets his dick out too much is "Johnson by name,
Johnson by nature."
APPLAUSE.
Well, back to the Randomiser...
Who is this and how did they bring down Boris?
Oh, it's Michael Gove.
Just after nearly everybody else in the entire government had
resigned, Michael Gove rang him up and said, "I think
perhaps you should go."
And Johnson said, "You're fired."
It was the last petty act of revenge between two old colleagues,
who've worked so hard to bring the country to where it is today.
Well, according to The Sun, you're right.
It was Michael Gove who first told Johnson to quit
on that fateful Wednesday, giving him an ultimatum
to resign by at 9pm.
Leading to Boris sacking over at 8.59pm.
Which is a horrible thing to do, until you remember
it was Michael Gove he did it to.
In the end, over 50 resignations took place over two days.
Business Secretary Kwasi Kwarteng, desperate to get in on the action
at Number 10 but stranded in Middlesbrough, phoned in from
the car park of a Toby Carvery.
Toby Carvery, of course, was briefly Education Minister.
Not everyone abandoned Boris, though.
Who pledged undying support?
Nadine Dorries.
What might Boris have already given Nadine?
Really?
No!
It is rumoured that she has been promised a peerage in Johnson's
resignation honours list.
A select list of about 300 people.
No one is sure what her official title will be.
Ladbrokes' favourite is "Lady Barking".
This is the old news of Boris Johnson's resignation
as Tory Party leader.
Just after Boris Johnson resigned, The Times reported, "One cabinet
minister referred to him as a cosmic punt".
The word "tribute" just disappeared from this programme.
To be fair, it's always hard to know what to write in a leaving card...
It's looking like the next Prime Minister will be Liz Truss.
Don't take my word for it, it's right there in
the book of Revelations.
Since announcing his resignation, it's not gone unnoticed that Boris
hasn't been working that hard.
Here's the Metro.
So, the next round is, What I Did On My Holidays.
I did get a few postcards from Boris.
See if you can guess where he's been.
This is the first one.
Ooh.
Slovenia.
Yes, quite right.
Well done.
This is his eco-honeymoon.
Has he just drowned his wife?
What's going on?
What's going on there?
What's he pushing down with the oar?
Who knows?
This is Boris on holiday in Slovenia.
According to the owner of the Vila Planinka hotel he stayed
in, what bit of the trip excited Boris the most?
When she sank like a stone?
Boris was excited by the Slovenian food, which, according
to the Telegraph included being served with bear cheeks,
although Boris was disappointed to find the spelling
on the menu was correct.
How did Boris respond to criticism of the timing of his holiday?
I'm cosmic?
No.
He went on another holiday when he got back.
He went off to Greece, leading to this hashtag
trending on Twitter.
I had no idea the Archbishop of Canterbury had a Twitter account...
We've got a photo of Boris on the beach waiting for Carrie
to put on his armbands.
Yeah.
It's like Mamma Mia, isn't it?
Also this part of the world left out a warm welcome sign for Boris.
Here it is.
"Boris D Jonson is bastard."
I didn't know the Archbishop of Canterbury had a Villa over there...
Time for another holiday snap.
What is Boris doing here?
Oh, this is when he went on a joyride in a fighter jet.
We've actually got some video of it.
Just to be clear, it was a fan who added the music, not us.
MUSIC: Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins.
# I'll take you right into the danger zone...#
Is that just a BA flight?
LAUGHTER.
Slightly rubbish fighter jets, having to be towed like that.
He insisted that instead of leaving when he lost the job, he said,
I have to stay on as caretaker because the country needs me
for the next three months, and he did absolutely bugger all.
Yeah.
Three months, he went on holiday.
APPLAUSE.
This government's been described as a zombie government.
Which I think is unfair, because zombies value brains.
LAUGHTER.
There is some more fun military activities
arranged for Boris recently.
He went on manoeuvres with some Ukrainian forces.
LAUGHTER.
Going well.
LAUGHTER.
It just looks like one of those soldiers brought his nan along.
LAUGHTER.
Say what you like about Boris, they love him
in Ukraine, don't they?
They love him, he's a hero there.
That's one bit of his legacy that we can't really argue with.
We'll have a go, if you like!
Boris likes going on exercises.
Do you remember this photo of him on a police raid?
He's got "police" on himself three times.
Not sure what...
'Ello, 'ello, 'ello!
Which of his best skills can Boris draw on for work
now that leaving office?
Well, he'll go back to journalism, won't he?
Yep, he probably will do.
He can go back to earning money from his second job
as a journalist and writer.
Here he is discussing William Hague's earnings
from second jobs on this show.
According to the register of members's interests,
William is top of the league table of cash in terms of money earned
through work which depended on their status as an MP.
Who are the top three?
Him.
Hm-hm.
Ann Widdecombe?
Yep.
George Galloway?
Correct.
And you're fourth, aren't you?
LAUGHTER.
While we're on subject of Borises, what has Mikhail Gorbachev done this
week that Boris Yeltsin did in 2007?
He died.
He died, yeah.
Of course Gorbachev only became leader of the Soviet Union
following a successful stint hosting Have I Got News For You.
He was very good.
Yeah.
Here's a fun challenge for you.
I'm going to read you a number of statements written
by Boris Johnson and all you've got to do is shout out whether
they are true or false.
So, here we go.
Here's the first one.
"This government is building a record number of hospitals,
a total of 48 across the country."
True.
Very true, he said it.
False that it's going to happen.
Which one do you want?
It was false, what he said.
"We had a system of testing people going into care homes..."
False!
I can see the trend, I can see the way this is going!
Yeah.
You nailed that one.
Here's another one.
"I always take responsibility for everything."
AUDIENCE: False!
Who asked you to join in?
No, I think they should, they should join in.
It's not a democracy, you know!
Can see where the coach party's sitting now...
I think we've all got the hang of this.
So, let's see if you can find more people Boris Johnson has lied to,
offended or otherwise screwed over.
A special game I've devised called Boris Battleships.
Yes, Ian, why don't you start the fun.
Can you pick a square, please?
That's putting a lot of pressure on Ian, isn't it?
Asking him to start the fun.
LAUGHTER.
Implied that we've had none so far!
I'm going to pick E3.
B6, you say?
LAUGHTER.
Here you go.
It's a hit.
Michael Howard.
What did Boris to him?
Lied to, offended, or otherwise screwed over?
He lied to him.
Yep.
He said, are you having an affair with this woman?
Petronella Wyatt?
Yes.
So, he lied to the leader of his own party.
Johnson denied the rumours, calling them "an inverted
pyramid of piffle."
Before they turned out to be a very upright tower of truth.
Journalists were quick to pounce on Johnson.
Let's have a look at him returning from a morning run
after the scandal broke.
Boris, have you got anything to say today?
Yes.
I advise you all very strongly to go for a run!
Get some exercise.
Did you deceive Mr Howard?
Have a beautiful day.
Did you deceive Mr Howard?
Absolutely no comment.
No, I didn't, no.
Are you going to save your marriage?
I'm going to do whatever I can to...
God, they've locked me out!
LAUGHTER.
Time to pick another Square.
Paul, over to you?
C7.
F9 you say?
Yeah!
It's another hit.
Obviously the Queen.
Was she like to, offended, or otherwise screwed over by Boris?
He lied to her.
He did, yeah this is the Supreme Court ruling that
Boris Johnson unlawfully advised the Queen to prorogue Parliament.
What did Boris lose out on by lying to the Queen?
Christmas present from her?
He's probably missed out on receiving the order of the Garter.
The order of the Garter comes from the 14th century,
the court of Edward III.
The Countess of Salisbury's Garter fell to the floor while she was
dancing and when the courtiers sniggered, the King picked it up
and gave it to her saying, "Honi soit qui mal y pense",
which is French for, "'ere, you dropped this."
LAUGHTER.
A rather lovely story.
Janet, your turn to pick a square.
G5.
Yeah, it's a good one.
Oh, no, it's a miss.
Have another go.
All right, B10.
B10.
Oh, no.
Bad luck.
Not as easy as it looks, is it?
No.
Back to you, Ian.
Using all your strategic skills, it's only Janet
who is let us down so far...
LAUGHTER.
Can you pick another square?
I10.
L5, you say?
Let's have a look... There isn't an L there!
Yeah!
It's a hit.
What did Boris Johnson claim about Italian men
while he was the Brussels correspondent for
the Telegraph in '91?
He wrote that the Italian government had requested that
condoms be made smaller, thus implying Italian
men did not measure up to the rest of the continent.
One former EU chief recently reiterated to the Guardian
that the three decade old story was, "A load of bullshit", and...
LONE APPLAUSE.
LAUGHTER.
I hope that noise was you clapping!
LAUGHTER.
We thought it would be appropriate to feature Boris Johnson
in the missing words around, giving that for the last two months
he has been missing.
These are all the things Boris Johnson has actually said.
We'll start with...
Foreplay.
Was it his accent?
Speaking style.
Cos that was the last thing Boris said, was hasta la vista, baby.
A strange goodbye, wasn't it?
Hmm.
Better than "I'll be back."
LAUGHTER.
Next...
They should be snooty about everything!
Don't knock lap dancing.
It's how many people get into show business.
Isn't that right, Phil?
LAUGHTER.
Good to see you again!
LAUGHTER.
Finally...
Nigel Farage got a word named after him.
It refers to Theresa May's John Lewis decor
in the Prime Minister's flat, which the Johnsons replaced
with gold wallpaper.
Now, with Liz Truss moving in, Downing Street is believed
to be getting quotes for padded wallpaper...
LAUGHTER.
So, the final scores are, Ian and Phil have six and Paul
and Janet have nine.
Well done.
Before we go there's just time for the caption competition.
You're a barefaced liar!
Yes.
I don't think he has my nose.
And I leave you with news that covering a story at an art gallery,
it takes every last bit of self restraint for one reporter
not to use the caption "Four enormous arses."
In his last days at Downing Street, a junior researcher proved to be
just too quick for the Prime Minister.
LAUGHTER.
And after discovering yet another marital indiscretion,
Carrie Johnson finds a creative new ways to leave her husband's
clothes in the front garden.
LAUGHTER.
Well, that's the end of this special tribute.
And you know, whatever people think about the role this show played
in Boris Johnson's rise to power, at least they can't accuse it
of having an unhealthy obsession with his successor.
In December, I'll be in Beijing, opening up new pork markets.
Good night.