This programme contains some strong language.
CHEERING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening.
Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
I'm Alexander Armstrong.
In the news this week...
In
In a
In a maths exam one candidate
struggles
In a maths exam one candidate struggles to remember whether
times-ing
struggles to remember whether times-ing makes things bigger or
smaller.
At the Labour Conference, after Keir Starmer orders
the singing of the national anthem as a sign of patriotism,
John Prescott is less than happy about his part in the proceedings.
At the Olympic Park swimming pool, there's just time for one
last symbolic event in the Festival of Brexit.
On Ian's team tonight is
a comedian who once worked as an investigator
at the Serious Fraud Office - who currently have their hands full,
working out how the hell Kwasi Kwarteng got
his PhD in economics.
Please welcome Ria Lina.
On Paul's team tonight is
a journalist who hosts a live show on Times Radio.
Though, of course, we only have his word for that.
Please welcome Matt Chorley.
We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
Paul and Matt, have a look at this.
Yes,
Yes, the
Yes, the Chancellor moving in slow
motion
Yes, the Chancellor moving in slow motion for some reason. The shares,
a
motion for some reason. The shares, a little smile for the camera,
hello!
a little smile for the camera, hello! A bunch of white men as usual
just
hello! A bunch of white men as usual just doing what they do best. I beg
your
just doing what they do best. I beg your pardon!
your pardon! This is absolutely
hilarious,
your pardon! This is absolutely hilarious, is it is. The polls are
very
hilarious, is it is. The polls are very funny fault of the Tories. They
are
very funny fault of the Tories. They are 34 points behind. The party
would
are 34 points behind. The party would consist of three people in
Scotland.
would consist of three people in Scotland. Labour would be on course
for
Scotland. Labour would be on course for a 492 seat majority.
for a 492 seat majority. And that's
a
for a 492 seat majority. And that's a Tory audience! Economic downturn
which
a Tory audience! Economic downturn which has happened since the mini
Budget
which has happened since the mini Budget which Rishi Sunak during the
Tory
Budget which Rishi Sunak during the Tory leadership contest predicted
would
Tory leadership contest predicted would happen if Liz Truss followed
through
would happen if Liz Truss followed through on her policies. Here he is.
Your
through on her policies. Here he is. Your own economic adviser has said
the
Your own economic adviser has said the plan would lead to mortgage
rates,
the plan would lead to mortgage rates, interest rates going up to
7%.
rates, interest rates going up to 7%. Can you imagine what that will
do
7%. Can you imagine what that will do for everyone here and everyone
watching?
do for everyone here and everyone watching? Thousands of pounds on
their
watching? Thousands of pounds on their mortgage bill. So I don't
think
their mortgage bill. So I don't think the responsible thing to do
right
think the responsible thing to do right now is launch into some
unfunded
right now is launch into some unfunded spree of borrowing on more
debt,
unfunded spree of borrowing on more debt, that were just make inflation
worse.
debt, that were just make inflation worse. It would make the problem
worse.
worse. It would make the problem worse. It's almost like he knew what
he
worse. It's almost like he knew what he was talking about. We should
start
he was talking about. We should start by saying something about the
bond
start by saying something about the bond market. I have no idea how it
works.
bond market. I have no idea how it works. I don't know. I have got
great
works. I don't know. I have got great five CSE maths which is the
equivalent
great five CSE maths which is the equivalent of 25 yards breaststroke.
That
equivalent of 25 yards breaststroke. That may well mean you are the next
Chancellor.
That may well mean you are the next Chancellor. Summary mentioned Kwasi
have
Chancellor. Summary mentioned Kwasi have a PhD in economics. Noble-mac,
a
have a PhD in economics. Noble-mac, a PhD in economic history,
specifically
a PhD in economic history, specifically about the great Ray
coinage
specifically about the great Ray coinage of 1696, he doesn't know
squat
coinage of 1696, he doesn't know squat about what he's doing. Was
that
squat about what he's doing. Was that a financial sex it was not. --
success.
that a financial sex it was not. -- success. He has a PhD in failure.
Those
success. He has a PhD in failure. Those of us who actually lived
through
Those of us who actually lived through that... Ian was still the
editor
through that... Ian was still the editor of private eye. Everybody
else
editor of private eye. Everybody else did say this was going to be a
disaster,
else did say this was going to be a disaster, and the new Prime
Minister,
disaster, and the new Prime Minister, who knows if she will be
Prime
Minister, who knows if she will be Prime Minister when this repeat goes
out?
Prime Minister when this repeat goes out? She fired her chief civil
servants
out? She fired her chief civil servants at the Treasury, told
everybody
servants at the Treasury, told everybody who disagreed with her,
you're
everybody who disagreed with her, you're wrong, I'm right, and she
said,
you're wrong, I'm right, and she said, let the market decide. And it
did!
said, let the market decide. And it did! It's an amazing record, she has
time
did! It's an amazing record, she has time to the entire British economy
in
time to the entire British economy in her first active working week. --
has
in her first active working week. -- has tanked. Would you say this
honeymoon
has tanked. Would you say this honeymoon period is look a bit
rough?
honeymoon period is look a bit rough? If I she has gone on holiday
to
rough? If I she has gone on holiday to Florida. He can't leave things
alone,
to Florida. He can't leave things alone, metre logically, you are
causing
alone, metre logically, you are causing havoc in Florida! I was told
I
causing havoc in Florida! I was told I would be Light Breeze Ian. What
she
I would be Light Breeze Ian. What she do on Thursday was blue she went
on
she do on Thursday was blue she went on BBC local radio. She is an MP in
Norfolk
on BBC local radio. She is an MP in Norfolk and she thinks Allen
partridges
Norfolk and she thinks Allen partridges a real person. Over an
hour,
partridges a real person. Over an hour, she was monitored by people
having
hour, she was monitored by people having their five minutes of fame.
Now
having their five minutes of fame. Now there would have to speak to her
again
Now there would have to speak to her again because there would be someone
else
again because there would be someone else quite soon. She couldn't cope
with
else quite soon. She couldn't cope with any of it. She was asked what
she
with any of it. She was asked what she had for breakfast and she said
she
she had for breakfast and she said she didn't accept the premise. How
did
she didn't accept the premise. How did it start? Boris Johnson had a
party.
did it start? Boris Johnson had a party. The beginning of this week.
Monday.
party. The beginning of this week. Monday. There was a run on the
pound.
Monday. There was a run on the pound. It fell dramatically, it was
almost
pound. It fell dramatically, it was almost equal to $1. It was called
levelling-up.
almost equal to $1. It was called levelling-up. They called it a day
of
levelling-up. They called it a day of turmoil. The independent called
it
of turmoil. The independent called it an all time low. The Telegraph,
Pound
it an all time low. The Telegraph, Pound chaos, the Daily Star had...
The
Pound chaos, the Daily Star had... The new European adjustment with
this.
What did KwasiLiz, or TrussKwart, as I like to call them,
what did they think would happen with their master plan?
But
But then
But then are arguing. They had a row
about
But then are arguing. They had a row about what they should do and they
decided
about what they should do and they decided not to say anything. Then
they
decided not to say anything. Then they did which confirmed the
original
they did which confirmed the original decision was the correct
one.
original decision was the correct one. Who insulted Kwasi recently?
There
one. Who insulted Kwasi recently? There have been a lot of people
having
There have been a lot of people having a lot of cheap fun with
nicknames.
having a lot of cheap fun with nicknames. Somebody called his
strategy
nicknames. Somebody called his strategy KamiKwasi. At the other
wasn't
strategy KamiKwasi. At the other wasn't funny. Somebody else said his
strategy
wasn't funny. Somebody else said his strategy should be Kazi courting.
What
strategy should be Kazi courting. What did Lord Hannan say markets are
panicking
What did Lord Hannan say markets are panicking about? This was
outrageous.
panicking about? This was outrageous. Daniel Hannan claimed
the
outrageous. Daniel Hannan claimed the reason the economy was tanking
was
the reason the economy was tanking was the fault of Keir Starmer. And
the
was the fault of Keir Starmer. And the newspapers said the reason the
pound
the newspapers said the reason the pound was because of Remainers. Yes,
this
pound was because of Remainers. Yes, this is Crispin Odey. Who is known
in
this is Crispin Odey. Who is known in the business as Crispin Odious,
and
in the business as Crispin Odious, and that's by his mates. He said...
He
He made
He made a
He made a fortune. He tortures the
country
He made a fortune. He tortures the country down and takes the money.
Not
country down and takes the money. Not even saying allegedly. -- he
tortures.
tortures. The committee is going to
punish
tortures. The committee is going to punish these people by taking the
cap
punish these people by taking the cap off their bonuses.
--
cap off their bonuses. -- the government. The wealth gap
widened,
-- the government. The wealth gap widened, then the pandemic happened,
the
widened, then the pandemic happened, the love that mountain, we don't see
it
the love that mountain, we don't see it ever working a lot with London
pandemic
it ever working a lot with London pandemic is that the people who keep
the
pandemic is that the people who keep the country going are the essential
workers.
the country going are the essential workers. We were not clapping on a
Thursday
workers. We were not clapping on a Thursday for hedge fund investors.
You
Thursday for hedge fund investors. You won't clapping for hedge fund
investors?
You won't clapping for hedge fund investors? What is the government
going
investors? What is the government going to do about it? Nothing? Do
have
going to do about it? Nothing? Do have anything to say about what's
going
have anything to say about what's going on, Sir?
Are
Are you
Are you planning to reverse the
announcement
Are you planning to reverse the announcement today?
What
What do
What do you have to say about
anything
What do you have to say about anything that's been going on? I'm
just
anything that's been going on? I'm just going to my office now. That
was
just going to my office now. That was one minute silence for the death
of
was one minute silence for the death of the pound.
He
He is
He is supposed to be very clever.
Should
He is supposed to be very clever. Should we be putting thick people in
charge?
Should we be putting thick people in charge? The call is there. I have
support
charge? The call is there. I have support already. What was Jeremy
Corbyn
support already. What was Jeremy Corbyn seen doing at the weekend in
Liverpool?
Corbyn seen doing at the weekend in Liverpool? He was playing a game. It
was
Liverpool? He was playing a game. It was like, kill Margaret Thatcher or
something.
was like, kill Margaret Thatcher or something. It was a video game
called
something. It was a video game called Thatcher's Techbase.
According
called Thatcher's Techbase. According to the Daily Mail...
There
According to the Daily Mail... There is a demonic version? It's
called
There is a demonic version? It's called Liz. Keir Starmer is free to
strut
called Liz. Keir Starmer is free to strut his stuff at the Labour
conference.
strut his stuff at the Labour conference. What was a promising? A
Great
conference. What was a promising? A Great British Energy company.
Investing
Great British Energy company. Investing in British green
technology
Investing in British green technology and focus on other
environmental
technology and focus on other environmental issues like clean air,
although
environmental issues like clean air, although they will have a problem
selling
although they will have a problem selling that to people in Bradford.
When
selling that to people in Bradford. When they create clean air, how do
they
When they create clean air, how do they keep it? When the wind blows,
the
they keep it? When the wind blows, the clean air goes. That's what I
want
the clean air goes. That's what I want to know, how different are they
going
want to know, how different are they going to put a big dome over
Bradford?
going to put a big dome over Bradford? He's got a point, I think
he's
Bradford? He's got a point, I think he's right! He should be Chancellor.
What
he's right! He should be Chancellor. What else did Keir Starmer do? Sing
the
What else did Keir Starmer do? Sing the national anthem. They hired a
professional
the national anthem. They hired a professional singer. Let's have a
look.
professional singer. Let's have a look. It's lovely.
#
look. It's lovely. # Sent him victorious
#
# Sent him victorious # Happy and glorious...
This
This is
This is the Government plasma
economic
This is the Government plasma economic plans in disarray. In an
attempt
economic plans in disarray. In an attempt to calm the markets Liz
Truss
attempt to calm the markets Liz Truss did a round of local radio
interviews.
Truss did a round of local radio interviews. The interviews went out
the
interviews. The interviews went out the BBC received complaints from
listeners
the BBC received complaints from listeners having technical problems
that
listeners having technical problems that are per spokesperson apologised
for
that are per spokesperson apologised for the long sciences and said,
that's
for the long sciences and said, that's just how she speaks. The
Labour
that's just how she speaks. The Labour Party also held a conference
this
Labour Party also held a conference this week. The only discordant note
came
this week. The only discordant note came when Brewpack described Kwasi
Kwarteng
came when Brewpack described Kwasi Kwarteng as being superficially
black.
Kwarteng as being superficially black. Rupert Hogg went to a
fee-paying
black. Rupert Hogg went to a fee-paying independent school so I
guess
fee-paying independent school so I guess she only superficially
left-wing.
guess she only superficially left-wing. The Royal Mint has now
fixed
left-wing. The Royal Mint has now fixed a date for King Charles's had
to
fixed a date for King Charles's had to go on the merits a look for that
and
to go on the merits a look for that and the new £1000 coin.
Ian and Ria, take a look at this.
This
This is
This is the referendum? Are they
making
This is the referendum? Are they making shrouds? That's the troops
who
making shrouds? That's the troops who have been called up. Goodbye!
You're
who have been called up. Goodbye! You're not coming back. This is fun.
You
You're not coming back. This is fun. You are a murderer, no, you are!
What
You are a murderer, no, you are! What is going on? They have had a
referendum.
What is going on? They have had a referendum. These in the areas he
claims
referendum. These in the areas he claims to have control over. He is
saying
claims to have control over. He is saying these countries are now
Russia
saying these countries are now Russia so if you send troops into
what
Russia so if you send troops into what is now Russia I can use the
nuclear
what is now Russia I can use the nuclear weapon. Which is comedy
gold,
nuclear weapon. Which is comedy gold, really. You are determined to
cheer
gold, really. You are determined to cheer us up. It is an interesting
canvassing
cheer us up. It is an interesting canvassing technique, to send armed
men
canvassing technique, to send armed men out. This is the illegitimate
land
men out. This is the illegitimate land group through a series of dodgy
referendums.
Germany's Olaf Scholz called them:
France's Emmanuel Macron called them:
And Scotland's Nicola Sturgeon called them a perfectly legitimate
attempt to break free from the shackles of
an oppressive regime.
How
How close
How close was the vote? 99%. But
that
How close was the vote? 99%. But that was in Donetsk. I think the
votes
that was in Donetsk. I think the votes were significantly lower in
other
votes were significantly lower in other regions, some as low as 98.
Putin
other regions, some as low as 98. Putin also said it was a risk
response
Putin also said it was a risk response to the west's offence to
destroy
response to the west's offence to destroy the country from an
outrageous
destroy the country from an outrageous slur. We are busy enough
destroying
outrageous slur. We are busy enough destroying our own. He has ordered
another
destroying our own. He has ordered another 300,000 eligible men to be
called
another 300,000 eligible men to be called up to fight. What was the
response?
called up to fight. What was the response? It was awful. One wife
said,
response? It was awful. One wife said, I will break both of his legs
to
said, I will break both of his legs to stop him going. Like, you don't
need
to stop him going. Like, you don't need to do both, one will do. Tevez
and
need to do both, one will do. Tevez and then signed up to fight in the
first
and then signed up to fight in the first way, that has been worked for
the
first way, that has been worked for the estimated 194,000 people who
fled
the estimated 194,000 people who fled Russia since the conscription
was
fled Russia since the conscription was announced. The dilemma has
reported
was announced. The dilemma has reported that one of most googled
search
reported that one of most googled search terms in Russia this week has
been...
Who
been... Who did manage to get out of Russia
this
Who did manage to get out of Russia this week? Ten, he had a short break
in
this week? Ten, he had a short break in Dart Florida? Five British
prisoners.
in Dart Florida? Five British prisoners. There was a prisoner
swap.
prisoners. There was a prisoner swap. They have now been free, one
was
swap. They have now been free, one was flown back to the UK on a
private
was flown back to the UK on a private plane and is now at his
sister's
private plane and is now at his sister's flat in Luton. So the
ordeal
sister's flat in Luton. So the ordeal isn't entirely over yet.
From
From what
From what unexpected quarter has
Putin
From what unexpected quarter has Putin been getting criticism? Trump.
Chomp?
Putin been getting criticism? Trump. Chomp? Trump. He was president of
the
Chomp? Trump. He was president of the United States.
the United States. She is known as
the
the United States. She is known as the Russian Dolly Parton because if
you
the Russian Dolly Parton because if you open her up, there is a series
of
you open her up, there is a series of small singers. Why might you be
afraid
of small singers. Why might you be afraid of criticising the regime in
Russia?
afraid of criticising the regime in Russia? You may end up finding
yourself
Russia? You may end up finding yourself that. Yes. Ivan Pechorin of
ended
yourself that. Yes. Ivan Pechorin of ended up dying after falling off a
boat.
ended up dying after falling off a boat. Another fell down the stairs
of
boat. Another fell down the stairs of his bungalow. What else have
Russian
of his bungalow. What else have Russian people had enough of? Enough
of
Russian people had enough of? Enough of the war. They have had enough of
Russian
of the war. They have had enough of Russian TV, which according to the
coming
Russian TV, which according to the coming times has been ordered by the
Kremlin
coming times has been ordered by the Kremlin to remove entertainment
shows
Kremlin to remove entertainment shows in favour of endless state
propaganda.
shows in favour of endless state propaganda. That would never happen
on
propaganda. That would never happen on our BBC. What British TV show has
been
on our BBC. What British TV show has been putting popular in Russia
recently.
been putting popular in Russia recently. Would I lie to you?
APPLAUSE
Good.
APPLAUSE Good. This programme. No, This
Morning.
Good. This programme. No, This Morning. The clip has been shown
repeatedly
Morning. The clip has been shown repeatedly in Russia as per account
and
repeatedly in Russia as per account and an example of just about the
energy
and an example of just about the energy crisis has become over here.
Let
energy crisis has become over here. Let us have a look. Here we go.
Round
Let us have a look. Here we go. Round and round it goes, where it
stops,
Round and round it goes, where it stops, nobody knows. It is slowing
down.
stops, nobody knows. It is slowing down. Energy bill. It is going to
be...
down. Energy bill. It is going to be... It's your energy bill! If you
think
be... It's your energy bill! If you think that is bleak, and round to
the
think that is bleak, and round to the fight a blind boy. I think the
problem
the fight a blind boy. I think the problem was when they went to see
the
problem was when they went to see the Queen lying in state, they took
the
the Queen lying in state, they took the big glittery wheel with them.
How
the big glittery wheel with them. How many minutes do you want to
mourn?
How many minutes do you want to mourn? Yes, that is the latest from
Russia
mourn? Yes, that is the latest from Russia puzzling invasion of Ukraine.
According
Russia puzzling invasion of Ukraine. According to a newspaper, the
reservists
According to a newspaper, the reservists have been told to pack up
tampons
reservists have been told to pack up tampons to soak up blood from bullet
once.
tampons to soak up blood from bullet once. In the event of a nuclear
strike,
once. In the event of a nuclear strike, small chip of Ambre Solaire
Factor
strike, small chip of Ambre Solaire Factor 20. Russian state TV is
beginning
Factor 20. Russian state TV is beginning to give airtime to those
sceptical
beginning to give airtime to those sceptical of Putin's campaign. One
of
sceptical of Putin's campaign. One of the most vocal critics being
Boris
of the most vocal critics being Boris Nadezhdin, a leading figure
who
Boris Nadezhdin, a leading figure who very sadly died tomorrow.
LAUGHTER
And
LAUGHTER And so to round two, the picture
Pincus.
And so to round two, the picture Pincus. Fingers on buzzers, teams.
Nasa
Pincus. Fingers on buzzers, teams. Nasa has built a ladder between
Earth
Nasa has built a ladder between Earth and the asteroid and they are
sending
Earth and the asteroid and they are sending people up to hit the
asteroid
sending people up to hit the asteroid with tiny little hammers to
direct
asteroid with tiny little hammers to direct it away from the Earth. Bang
on.
direct it away from the Earth. Bang on. That is what it is called, Bang
on.
on. That is what it is called, Bang on. They have started going to
asteroids
on. They have started going to asteroids and smashing things. Here
is
asteroids and smashing things. Here is the asteroid as shown from the
approach.
is the asteroid as shown from the approach. Have we got to mood music
to
approach. Have we got to mood music to go with this? Something from
classic
to go with this? Something from classic FM? Here we go. Go on, keep
going.
classic FM? Here we go. Go on, keep going. Yes.
going. Yes. It is like a cup
going. Yes. It is like a cup of tea
I
going. Yes. It is like a cup of tea I view of a biscuit. Do you work for
Nasa?
I view of a biscuit. Do you work for Nasa? This is Bill Nelson
encapsulating
Nasa? This is Bill Nelson encapsulating the achievement. Well,
teen,
encapsulating the achievement. Well, teen, boy, you really did this one
well.
teen, boy, you really did this one well. Are you sure he is not an
alien
well. Are you sure he is not an alien from another planet. How long
did
alien from another planet. How long did it take the segment to hit that
is
did it take the segment to hit that is the right? Ten months. It was in
orbit
is the right? Ten months. It was in orbit for ten months but at the end
of
orbit for ten months but at the end of its journey it was able to travel
at
of its journey it was able to travel at four miles per second, just as it
got
at four miles per second, just as it got clear of the congestion around
hangar
got clear of the congestion around hangar Lane. What was amazing was
how
hangar Lane. What was amazing was how accurately they were able to
send
how accurately they were able to send it into space and hit it where
they
send it into space and hit it where they wanted to hit it and yet when
they
they wanted to hit it and yet when they were celebrating they couldn't
even
they were celebrating they couldn't even make the high fives. Year is
another
even make the high fives. Year is another angle of this week's big
crash.
LAUGHTER
Anyway,
LAUGHTER Anyway, the big question is, did it
work?
Anyway, the big question is, did it work? Yes. Too soon to say. Nasa say
they
work? Yes. Too soon to say. Nasa say they will study the course of the
asteroid.
they will study the course of the asteroid. Yes! It will take them to
use
asteroid. Yes! It will take them to use to study the. I told you in five
seconds.
use to study the. I told you in five seconds. Fingers on buzzers. Is your
next
seconds. Fingers on buzzers. Is your next one. Yes. This is a lovely
portrait
next one. Yes. This is a lovely portrait of the Duke of Norfolk. The
monkey
portrait of the Duke of Norfolk. The monkey was in charge of organising
the
monkey was in charge of organising the funeral. It went very well. Now
he
the funeral. It went very well. Now he is in charge of organising the
Coronation.
he is in charge of organising the Coronation. That is right. But he
has
Coronation. That is right. But he has lost his driver's license. He
added
has lost his driver's license. He added six points to nine when he was
caught
added six points to nine when he was caught on the phone to his wife
driving
caught on the phone to his wife driving through a red light and
cutting
driving through a red light and cutting across a police car. But it
was
cutting across a police car. But it was beautifully coordinated. His car
was
was beautifully coordinated. His car was being pulled by 142 saints. Why
does
was being pulled by 142 saints. Why does he desperately needs his
driving
does he desperately needs his driving licence? He needs it so he
can
driving licence? He needs it so he can drive between venues. The truth
is
can drive between venues. The truth is we don't know. It was done in
secret.
is we don't know. It was done in secret. The media were banned
because
secret. The media were banned because of the secrecy around the
plans
because of the secrecy around the plans for a coronation. Apparently
it
plans for a coronation. Apparently it will involve pinch. Meanwhile,
what
it will involve pinch. Meanwhile, what has controls unveiled? His
insignia.
what has controls unveiled? His insignia. His Sciver. Does it remind
us
insignia. His Sciver. Does it remind us of anyone, even? It doesn't look
anything
us of anyone, even? It doesn't look anything like Ian the crest of
Cristiano
anything like Ian the crest of Cristiano Ronaldo? What is the
latest
Cristiano Ronaldo? What is the latest Bagnis for Harry and Meghan?
They
latest Bagnis for Harry and Meghan? They were at the top and now they
are
They were at the top and now they are at the bottom in the terms and
conditions.
are at the bottom in the terms and conditions. Lets have a look. The
line
conditions. Lets have a look. The line of succession.
line of succession. They really are
at
line of succession. They really are at the bottom. Oh, there he is. Just
above
at the bottom. Oh, there he is. Just above Prince Andrew. If you click on
that,
above Prince Andrew. If you click on that, takes you to a very specialist
website.
that, takes you to a very specialist website. The Duke of Gloucester
famous
website. The Duke of Gloucester famous for one thing. It is slightly
difficult
famous for one thing. It is slightly difficult to feign an interest.
difficult to feign an interest. And
is
difficult to feign an interest. And is this an insulated roof...?
is this an insulated roof...? She is
looking
is this an insulated roof...? She is looking like that is the one
question
looking like that is the one question I wish you hadn't asked me.
This
question I wish you hadn't asked me. This is the latest news from the
world
This is the latest news from the world of royalty. The Duke of
Norfolk
world of royalty. The Duke of Norfolk has been banned for driving
for
Norfolk has been banned for driving for using his phone while at the
wheel
for using his phone while at the wheel and going through a red light.
Here
wheel and going through a red light. Here he is. Now, one of those medals
is
Here he is. Now, one of those medals is not for best hat, I'll be
astonished.
is not for best hat, I'll be astonished. Prince George has
apparently
astonished. Prince George has apparently told classmates, my
father
apparently told classmates, my father is going to be king, so you
better
father is going to be king, so you better watch out. He would be better
off
better watch out. He would be better off saying my father is Prince
Andrew,
off saying my father is Prince Andrew, so you better watch out!
Time
Andrew, so you better watch out! Time now for the odd one out round.
Just
Time now for the odd one out round. Just one between you. Your for
our...
Just one between you. Your for our... Tom Cruise, Arnold
Swarzenegger,
our... Tom Cruise, Arnold Swarzenegger, South Korean President
suit
Swarzenegger, South Korean President suit deal and Tesco. Here is my
educated
suit deal and Tesco. Here is my educated guess. Tesco's bottle is
every
educated guess. Tesco's bottle is every little helps. He is the South
Korean
every little helps. He is the South Korean president so he is probably
average.
Korean president so he is probably average. Or quite little. Tom Cruise
is
average. Or quite little. Tom Cruise is quite little. Arnold Swarzenegger
is
is quite little. Arnold Swarzenegger is not little. Did you say that was
an
is not little. Did you say that was an educated guess? That is on a
level
an educated guess? That is on a level with the Chancellor. Why would
Tom
level with the Chancellor. Why would Tom Cruise be the one out? He is the
only
Tom Cruise be the one out? He is the only one who has not put his foot in
it.
only one who has not put his foot in it. He has not insulted anybody. I
will
it. He has not insulted anybody. I will give you that. They have all
offended
will give you that. They have all offended people are brought apart
from
offended people are brought apart from Tom Cruise, who compliment to
people.
from Tom Cruise, who compliment to people. Who did he component? He
likes
people. Who did he component? He likes us, he likes Britain. What
incredible
likes us, he likes Britain. What incredible stunts has he been doing
well
incredible stunts has he been doing well he has been filming in the UK
for
well he has been filming in the UK for his latest Mission Impossible?
Running.
for his latest Mission Impossible? Running. He has been doing some
running.
Running. He has been doing some running. He has attempted a
parachute
running. He has attempted a parachute jump. He has been flying
planes
parachute jump. He has been flying planes and moved a full-size train
from
planes and moved a full-size train from one side of Derbyshire to the
other.
from one side of Derbyshire to the other. That is phenomenal, train
that
other. That is phenomenal, train that moves! Yoon Suk-yeol offended
American
that moves! Yoon Suk-yeol offended American politicians this week. How?
You
American politicians this week. How? You are all thick, he said. He was
caught
You are all thick, he said. He was caught on microphone in the your
using
caught on microphone in the your using a Korean swearword to
criticise
using a Korean swearword to criticise Republican members of the
US
criticise Republican members of the US Congress who would not back
President
US Congress who would not back President Biden. The BBC reported
that
President Biden. The BBC reported that it could be translated to be
idiots.
that it could be translated to be idiots. The times went with... And
the
idiots. The times went with... And the Guardian went with... What was
his
the Guardian went with... What was his excuse? It's true. He said he
had
his excuse? It's true. He said he had been referring to his own
country's
had been referring to his own country's National Assembly. Hasn't
really
country's National Assembly. Hasn't really thought that one through, has
he?
really thought that one through, has he? A White House official said that
after
he? A White House official said that after hearing the South Korean
presence
after hearing the South Korean presence where, Joe Biden was
shaken,
presence where, Joe Biden was shaken, but still didn't wake up.
And
shaken, but still didn't wake up. And now to Arnold Swarzenegger, he
offended
And now to Arnold Swarzenegger, he offended the people of Birmingham.
How?
offended the people of Birmingham. How? Did he try and do the accent?
You
How? Did he try and do the accent? You fail to show up to his own
fitness
You fail to show up to his own fitness festival in the city,
angering
fitness festival in the city, angering fans who according to the
Mirror
angering fans who according to the Mirror had paid £5 for a meet and
greet
Mirror had paid £5 for a meet and greet with the star. Finally, how
has
greet with the star. Finally, how has Tesco offended Spanish people?
With
has Tesco offended Spanish people? With a pile of sand which. That is
exactly
With a pile of sand which. That is exactly right. Looks nice. All of
the
exactly right. Looks nice. All of the carbohydrate. The Spanish police
force
the carbohydrate. The Spanish police force tweeted that it was a health
hazard
force tweeted that it was a health hazard and accused the supermarket
chain
hazard and accused the supermarket chain of heresy. Did you say the
Spanish
chain of heresy. Did you say the Spanish police? No one expects them!
Yes,
Spanish police? No one expects them! Yes, they have all offended people
are
Yes, they have all offended people are brought apart from Tom Cruise,
who
are brought apart from Tom Cruise, who company to people. Tom Cruise
says
who company to people. Tom Cruise says he loves being in the UK,
adding,
says he loves being in the UK, adding, like the fact that I am
working
adding, like the fact that I am working the same streets as
Shakespeare
working the same streets as Shakespeare and Dickens. Well, if
you
Shakespeare and Dickens. Well, if you are a fan of Dickensian Britain,
stick
you are a fan of Dickensian Britain, stick around! Time now for the
missing
stick around! Time now for the missing words round.
Sign
Sign Macqueen was English. Queen's
concert
Sign Macqueen was English. Queen's concert English.
This
This is
This is news that according to the
Times
This is news that according to the Times queen's English society is
considering
Times queen's English society is considering changing its name to...
Is
considering changing its name to... Is it at all true? Yes! Other things
to
Is it at all true? Yes! Other things to be renamed are a QC and queen's
guard,
to be renamed are a QC and queen's guard, though it doesn't matter what
you
guard, though it doesn't matter what you can HMRC because you will never
get
you can HMRC because you will never get through to them anyway.
After
After interest rates went up...
Classic
After interest rates went up... Classic FM plays marriage of
Figaro...
Classic FM plays marriage of Figaro... You are never more than 15
minutes
Figaro... You are never more than 15 minutes away from the lack
ascending.
This
This woman perspective and cockles
have
This woman perspective and cockles have been terrorising her
neighbours.
have been terrorising her neighbours. Normally if you are
woken
neighbours. Normally if you are woken up by a cop passing in the
morning
woken up by a cop passing in the morning it means you are listing to
breakfast
morning it means you are listing to breakfast radio. Finally, women told
to
breakfast radio. Finally, women told to save the planet by...
By
By Tuesday. By having nothing to do
with
By Tuesday. By having nothing to do with men. Is it sex? There
not
not having sex with meat. This week
women
not having sex with meat. This week women have been called onto
punishment
women have been called onto punishment who barbecue by refusing
to
punishment who barbecue by refusing to have sex with them. They are
allowed
to have sex with them. They are allowed to kiss, but no tongs. Pal
and
allowed to kiss, but no tongs. Pal and Ria have nine. Ian is six. Time
now
and Ria have nine. Ian is six. Time now for the Caption Competition.
Low-budget
now for the Caption Competition. Low-budget Lord of the Rings.
Garden
of
Low-budget Lord of the Rings. Garden of Eden. He, you have let yourself
go!
of Eden. He, you have let yourself go! We say thank you to our
panellists,
go! We say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Ria Lina,
Paul
panellists, Ian Hislop and Ria Lina, Paul Merton and Matt Chorley and I
leave
Paul Merton and Matt Chorley and I leave you with news that is the
Labour
leave you with news that is the Labour Party conference comes to a
close
Labour Party conference comes to a close in Liverpool, Keir Starmer
regret
close in Liverpool, Keir Starmer regret Streng too match Angela
Rayner
regret Streng too match Angela Rayner for drink in a all-nighter at
Fusion
Rayner for drink in a all-nighter at Fusion nightclub.
In Milan, at the launch of a new range of swimsuits,
one of Christian Dior's models realises that a three-bean salad
wasn't the best idea for lunch.
As
As the
As the problems for Liz Truss mount
and
As the problems for Liz Truss mount and another leadership election
seems
and another leadership election seems inevitable, there is dismay in
another
seems inevitable, there is dismay in another corner of Westminster. Good
night.