1 00:00:04,115 --> 00:00:09,355 This programme contains some strong language. 2 00:00:27,235 --> 00:00:32,395 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 3 00:00:39,235 --> 00:00:41,635 Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. 4 00:00:41,635 --> 00:00:42,915 I'm Victoria Coren-Mitchell. 5 00:00:42,915 --> 00:00:44,955 In the news this week... 6 00:00:44,955 --> 00:00:47,155 At the Balham branch of Pizza Express, there's dismay 7 00:00:47,155 --> 00:00:50,355 for the chef as another customer orders the American Hot. 8 00:00:58,755 --> 00:01:01,675 At Central Office, a trip to the first floor is a bit 9 00:01:01,675 --> 00:01:04,035 of a treat for some of the Conservative Party membership 10 00:01:04,035 --> 00:01:05,835 who voted for Liz Truss. 11 00:01:11,755 --> 00:01:14,595 And most commentators agree that Liz Truss could have chosen a more 12 00:01:14,595 --> 00:01:16,595 private moment to tell one of her ministers 13 00:01:16,595 --> 00:01:18,315 that they're sacked. 14 00:01:32,435 --> 00:01:34,835 On Ian's team tonight is a journalist who reported from 15 00:01:34,835 --> 00:01:37,435 the Conservative Party Conference, so tonight will be the second time 16 00:01:37,435 --> 00:01:40,755 she's been in a venue where half the audience are asleep. 17 00:01:40,755 --> 00:01:42,795 Please welcome Isabel Hardman. 18 00:01:47,275 --> 00:01:49,955 On Paul's team tonight is a comedian whose show was described 19 00:01:49,955 --> 00:01:52,355 by the Times as "a hugely enjoyable hour of stand-up". 20 00:01:52,355 --> 00:01:54,395 Unfortunately, it was a three-hour special. 21 00:01:54,395 --> 00:01:56,795 Please welcome Ivo Graham. 22 00:02:00,995 --> 00:02:03,355 We begin with the bigger news stories of the week. 23 00:02:03,355 --> 00:02:06,395 Ian and Isabel, have a look at this. 24 00:02:06,395 --> 00:02:08,235 It's the woman of the moment! 25 00:02:08,235 --> 00:02:10,795 It's the ex-Prime Minister. 26 00:02:12,115 --> 00:02:13,275 There is her local party. 27 00:02:13,275 --> 00:02:15,955 Yeah, a group of puppets. 28 00:02:15,955 --> 00:02:17,955 And a man walking in a straight line. 29 00:02:17,955 --> 00:02:20,515 You see, now U-turn. 30 00:02:20,515 --> 00:02:21,715 And she's blowing something up. 31 00:02:21,715 --> 00:02:25,075 The economy! 32 00:02:25,075 --> 00:02:27,115 So, you were there, how gloomy was it? 33 00:02:27,115 --> 00:02:28,955 It was great. 34 00:02:28,955 --> 00:02:31,795 If you like feasting on human misery, I cannot recommend a better 35 00:02:31,795 --> 00:02:36,675 holiday than the Conservative Party conference in Birmingham. 36 00:02:36,675 --> 00:02:39,075 I read in the papers that Liz's speech was marvellous 37 00:02:39,075 --> 00:02:40,955 and it was going to rouse the nation. 38 00:02:40,955 --> 00:02:43,955 Is that not true? 39 00:02:44,395 --> 00:02:47,515 If it had come at the end of a really, really good conference, 40 00:02:47,515 --> 00:02:50,275 it would have been a really, really bad speech. 41 00:02:56,995 --> 00:02:59,795 Did you see Therese Coffey's speech? 42 00:02:59,795 --> 00:03:01,035 I did. 43 00:03:01,035 --> 00:03:03,475 Shall we have a look at speech? 44 00:03:03,475 --> 00:03:05,355 While in England we have now virtually eliminated 45 00:03:05,355 --> 00:03:08,435 waits of over two years, we are speeding up our plans to roll 46 00:03:08,435 --> 00:03:13,635 out new diagnostic centres as well as new hospitals. 47 00:03:18,275 --> 00:03:21,955 I mean, normally coffee wakes people up... 48 00:03:22,555 --> 00:03:27,555 But who got the biggest reaction from the crowd? 49 00:03:28,435 --> 00:03:30,275 Greenpeace demonstrators. 50 00:03:30,275 --> 00:03:32,675 They appeared with a banner and a man angrily pulled 51 00:03:32,675 --> 00:03:34,555 the banner away from them, and then brilliantly, 52 00:03:34,555 --> 00:03:36,555 they had another identical banner. 53 00:03:36,555 --> 00:03:39,635 Let's have a look at one annoying heckler. 54 00:03:39,635 --> 00:03:41,755 That was the speech of a Prime Minister trying 55 00:03:41,755 --> 00:03:43,755 to hold her party together. 56 00:03:43,755 --> 00:03:46,395 Have you done enough, Prime Minister? 57 00:03:52,635 --> 00:03:54,835 I'm so sorry, that wasn't the climate change people, 58 00:03:54,835 --> 00:03:56,475 that was Chris Mason from the BBC. 59 00:03:56,475 --> 00:03:59,715 The climate change protesters, let's look at them. 60 00:03:59,715 --> 00:04:01,755 Let's get them removed... 61 00:04:18,795 --> 00:04:21,475 When they were all shouting, "Out, out, out," I wasn't sure 62 00:04:21,475 --> 00:04:24,395 who they were saying it to. 63 00:04:24,395 --> 00:04:26,835 And of course, the protester de-lanyarded there, 64 00:04:26,835 --> 00:04:29,195 that's the ultimate indignity. 65 00:04:29,195 --> 00:04:32,635 How did Jacob Rees-Mogg avoid that happening to him? 66 00:04:32,635 --> 00:04:36,475 Was he in a brothel? 67 00:04:36,475 --> 00:04:39,195 Just wanted to say something that wouldn't make the edit, that's all. 68 00:04:39,995 --> 00:04:43,395 Let's have a look at how Jacob Rees-Mogg wears his lanyard. 69 00:04:45,875 --> 00:04:49,715 It looks like he is a lot at auction. 70 00:04:51,195 --> 00:04:54,595 Here is a debate that I enjoyed, and I hope you know the answer 71 00:04:54,595 --> 00:04:57,435 to this, is Liz Truss the first Prime Minister to have gone 72 00:04:57,435 --> 00:04:59,275 to comprehensive school? 73 00:04:59,275 --> 00:05:01,275 Theresa May's school was a comprehensive school? 74 00:05:01,275 --> 00:05:02,715 No, it was selective. 75 00:05:02,715 --> 00:05:04,915 As was Gordon-Brown's school. 76 00:05:04,915 --> 00:05:05,955 What about John Major? 77 00:05:05,955 --> 00:05:06,995 Selective. 78 00:05:06,995 --> 00:05:10,635 The key word is selective, because no-one chose Liz Truss. 79 00:05:16,715 --> 00:05:19,795 One pundit before the speech said the good thing is that the slogan 80 00:05:19,795 --> 00:05:22,195 is projected onto the wall behind her, so it's not 81 00:05:22,195 --> 00:05:24,635 going to fall off like it did with Theresa May. 82 00:05:24,635 --> 00:05:27,195 That's a pretty low expectation for a speech. 83 00:05:27,195 --> 00:05:30,715 What is the downside of using this sort of back projection? 84 00:05:30,715 --> 00:05:33,595 Well, it is up there for ages and people look at it 85 00:05:33,595 --> 00:05:37,235 and think, "That isn't true." 86 00:05:37,235 --> 00:05:39,275 People that are computer whizzes can adjust it. 87 00:05:39,275 --> 00:05:41,915 For example, like this. 88 00:05:41,915 --> 00:05:47,195 The left are attacking our profound elemental values, wanting to replace 89 00:05:47,235 --> 00:05:51,275 them with the poison of identity politics. 90 00:05:51,675 --> 00:05:54,115 What a day. 91 00:05:54,115 --> 00:05:59,315 It has been tough, but we need to focus on the job in hand. 92 00:06:00,795 --> 00:06:04,835 What is the anti-growth coalition? 93 00:06:04,835 --> 00:06:06,995 It is an imaginary group of enemies. 94 00:06:06,995 --> 00:06:09,355 If you are doing very, very badly in the polls 95 00:06:09,355 --> 00:06:13,795 and you have no ideas, traditionally, you invent an enemy. 96 00:06:13,795 --> 00:06:16,035 You just list everybody and say they are anti-growth. 97 00:06:16,035 --> 00:06:17,875 They are anti-her. 98 00:06:17,875 --> 00:06:21,315 I mean, if she thinks she is some sort of growth... 99 00:06:26,595 --> 00:06:29,835 Liz Truss said that the anti-growth of coalition included... 100 00:06:32,075 --> 00:06:35,315 The Daily Mail said Number Ten... 101 00:06:39,355 --> 00:06:41,435 She has blamed everyone. 102 00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:45,715 IMF, BBC, C of E, DFS... 103 00:06:45,715 --> 00:06:47,915 Let's see who Liz Truss thought was to blame 104 00:06:47,915 --> 00:06:52,315 for the 45p tax rate cut. 105 00:06:52,315 --> 00:06:54,035 Her Chancellor? 106 00:06:54,035 --> 00:06:57,075 Can I ask you, Prime Minister, did you discuss scrapping the top 107 00:06:57,075 --> 00:06:58,275 rate with your whole Cabinet? 108 00:06:58,275 --> 00:06:59,475 No. 109 00:06:59,475 --> 00:07:01,035 No, we didn't. 110 00:07:01,035 --> 00:07:04,155 It was a decision that the Chancellor made. 111 00:07:06,035 --> 00:07:10,195 If only there was someone he could have reported to. 112 00:07:10,195 --> 00:07:13,715 Who is the Chancellor blaming for the financial meltdown? 113 00:07:13,715 --> 00:07:15,555 Oh, yes, the death of the Queen. 114 00:07:15,555 --> 00:07:17,395 On the death of the Queen! 115 00:07:17,395 --> 00:07:21,075 The death of the Queen, so it was her fault. 116 00:07:21,075 --> 00:07:24,075 Why don't we have a look at him at the Queen's funeral 117 00:07:24,075 --> 00:07:25,075 just processing that grief? 118 00:07:25,075 --> 00:07:27,435 Oh, yes. 119 00:07:29,755 --> 00:07:31,595 He is a strange character, isn't he? 120 00:07:31,595 --> 00:07:34,235 The sort of slow walking that he does. 121 00:07:34,235 --> 00:07:36,875 I wondered perhaps if he had some sort of medical condition. 122 00:07:36,875 --> 00:07:39,595 Like he's got his head stuck up his arse or something. 123 00:07:43,355 --> 00:07:46,235 But I didn't know... 124 00:07:46,235 --> 00:07:48,355 He walks slowly because he's got these very extreme 125 00:07:48,355 --> 00:07:50,515 bunions on his feet, and if you have bunions, 126 00:07:50,515 --> 00:07:53,675 you need to pop down Boots and get yourself an anti-growth coalition. 127 00:07:53,675 --> 00:07:57,715 It will sort the whole thing out. 128 00:07:57,715 --> 00:07:59,835 I mean, nobody knows what he was laughing at. 129 00:07:59,835 --> 00:08:02,475 Presumably, he was thinking, "If I bring in a mini Budget, 130 00:08:02,475 --> 00:08:05,315 I can tank the whole economy." 131 00:08:05,315 --> 00:08:08,315 Isabel, do you think there is going to be an election soon? 132 00:08:08,315 --> 00:08:10,875 I mean, I don't think there is any option that makes 133 00:08:10,875 --> 00:08:13,035 anything any better. 134 00:08:13,035 --> 00:08:14,195 Is that the official slogan? 135 00:08:14,195 --> 00:08:17,235 I Don't Think There Is Any Option That Makes Anything Any Better. 136 00:08:17,235 --> 00:08:19,835 Liz Truss was adamant she wasn't going to drop the plan 137 00:08:19,835 --> 00:08:22,555 to scrap the 45p tax, but less than 24 hours later, 138 00:08:22,555 --> 00:08:25,035 she had U-turned on that, leading to this headline in the Sun. 139 00:08:27,195 --> 00:08:29,515 At exactly the same time, in unison, Liz Truss 140 00:08:29,515 --> 00:08:32,235 and Kwasi Kwarteng tweeted... 141 00:08:34,755 --> 00:08:39,235 Having come out and said it, should she have stuck with it? 142 00:08:39,235 --> 00:08:42,435 No, I mean, because she's got a number of other U-turns to go. 143 00:08:42,435 --> 00:08:45,315 If you do two U-turns, aren't you then facing the same way? 144 00:08:45,315 --> 00:08:46,755 Maybe I don't understand this metaphor. 145 00:08:46,755 --> 00:08:50,235 One, another one, you're still going in that direction. 146 00:08:50,235 --> 00:08:52,235 I said last week, you should be Chancellor. 147 00:08:52,235 --> 00:08:54,475 Yeah, I'm waiting for the call. 148 00:08:54,475 --> 00:08:55,795 You can do the maths. 149 00:08:55,795 --> 00:08:56,835 Yeah... 150 00:08:56,835 --> 00:08:59,235 Well, I can find somebody that can do it. 151 00:08:59,235 --> 00:09:02,395 And what is it that Liz Truss doesn't like about the media? 152 00:09:02,395 --> 00:09:04,155 They keep reporting what she says. 153 00:09:05,755 --> 00:09:08,075 She also accused them of taking... 154 00:09:13,955 --> 00:09:15,995 Yes, so I was pretty appalled by that. 155 00:09:15,995 --> 00:09:17,835 You don't live in North London, do you? 156 00:09:17,835 --> 00:09:20,475 I live in South London and I took a limo... 157 00:09:24,355 --> 00:09:27,275 She was asked, Liz Truss, by the Guardian, if she herself had 158 00:09:27,275 --> 00:09:30,635 ever taken a taxi from her London town house to the BBC studios. 159 00:09:30,635 --> 00:09:33,675 A Downing Street spokesperson replied... 160 00:09:36,115 --> 00:09:40,675 The pound has recovered slightly, but who is a weak pound good for? 161 00:09:40,675 --> 00:09:43,795 Apart from Keir Starmer. 162 00:09:43,795 --> 00:09:46,195 It's good for people who bet against it, it's good 163 00:09:46,195 --> 00:09:47,235 for the hedge funders. 164 00:09:47,235 --> 00:09:49,595 It's good for those people and also tourists, of course. 165 00:09:49,595 --> 00:09:50,675 Yes. 166 00:09:50,675 --> 00:09:52,555 Virgin Atlantic this week advertised flights to American 167 00:09:52,555 --> 00:09:55,195 customers with the slogan... 168 00:09:57,515 --> 00:09:59,875 Which is also the slogan that they used for meetings 169 00:09:59,875 --> 00:10:03,315 at the Palace with the Saudis, it was the same slogan. 170 00:10:04,035 --> 00:10:06,035 What advice did the Chairman of the Parliamentary 171 00:10:06,035 --> 00:10:09,435 Conservative Party, Jake Berry, have for people worried 172 00:10:09,435 --> 00:10:12,515 about the cost-of-living crisis? 173 00:10:12,515 --> 00:10:14,915 I mean, I can tell you, I literally had never 174 00:10:14,915 --> 00:10:16,155 heard of him until today. 175 00:10:16,155 --> 00:10:17,835 I'm going to say that right out. 176 00:10:17,835 --> 00:10:19,355 Yeah, but nor had his family. 177 00:10:19,355 --> 00:10:22,035 Let's have a look at Jake Berry's comforting advice. 178 00:10:22,035 --> 00:10:25,395 People know that when their bills arrive, they can either 179 00:10:25,395 --> 00:10:28,915 cut their consumption or they can get a higher salary, higher wages, 180 00:10:28,915 --> 00:10:30,875 go out there and get that new job. 181 00:10:30,875 --> 00:10:34,355 That's the approach the Government is taking. 182 00:10:34,355 --> 00:10:38,195 Who is he? 183 00:10:40,675 --> 00:10:43,035 He is in charge of their election messaging. 184 00:10:43,035 --> 00:10:44,195 Well, there we are, then. 185 00:10:44,195 --> 00:10:46,835 What could go wrong with that? 186 00:10:46,835 --> 00:10:48,435 He came up with Getting Britain Moving. 187 00:10:48,435 --> 00:10:50,195 Because we're repossessing your house. 188 00:10:50,195 --> 00:10:52,635 That's the slogan, we can all get behind it. 189 00:10:52,635 --> 00:10:55,035 Well, there might be nuclear war. 190 00:10:58,795 --> 00:11:02,235 This is the news that Liz Truss is still Prime Minister. 191 00:11:02,235 --> 00:11:06,115 One attendee at the Conservative conference told the BBC... 192 00:11:14,035 --> 00:11:18,355 Adding, "Anyway, here's your name badge, enjoy the conference." 193 00:11:18,355 --> 00:11:20,915 Paul and Ivo, take a look at this. 194 00:11:22,155 --> 00:11:24,795 Ah, yes, I recognise those tins, those are Quality Street tins. 195 00:11:24,795 --> 00:11:25,835 Quality Street wrappers. 196 00:11:25,835 --> 00:11:28,635 At last, something I'm interested in. 197 00:11:28,635 --> 00:11:31,195 They've changed the Quality Street wrappers after 70 years. 198 00:11:31,195 --> 00:11:33,715 Christmas time, black-and-white TV, used to hold up the yellow thing 199 00:11:33,715 --> 00:11:36,675 and look through it and make it look like a colour TV. 200 00:11:36,675 --> 00:11:37,915 Quality Street wrappers have changed. 201 00:11:37,915 --> 00:11:38,875 Next question. 202 00:11:38,875 --> 00:11:39,875 Sorry... 203 00:11:39,875 --> 00:11:41,035 What? 204 00:11:41,035 --> 00:11:42,675 You used to look through the wrapper... 205 00:11:42,675 --> 00:11:44,915 Yeah, at black-and-white televisions, in the 1960s, to make 206 00:11:44,915 --> 00:11:46,795 it look as if it was in colour. 207 00:11:46,795 --> 00:11:49,955 I don't suppose you did that at Eton, did you? 208 00:11:52,235 --> 00:11:54,675 I thought, "I've just got to keep my head down 209 00:11:54,675 --> 00:11:56,795 about my private education in at the round about 210 00:11:56,795 --> 00:11:59,155 the Conservative Party, then we can have that nice relaxing 211 00:11:59,155 --> 00:12:00,395 bit about Quality Street." 212 00:12:00,395 --> 00:12:03,395 It often gets you when you least expect it. 213 00:12:04,275 --> 00:12:05,835 Why have they done this? 214 00:12:05,835 --> 00:12:07,995 I don't know, they can't get the papier mache? 215 00:12:07,995 --> 00:12:09,075 Whatever reason. 216 00:12:09,075 --> 00:12:10,995 It's for environmental reasons. 217 00:12:10,995 --> 00:12:12,035 Yes, good. 218 00:12:12,035 --> 00:12:15,155 Would you like to see the old wrappers compared to the new ones? 219 00:12:15,155 --> 00:12:19,035 I think there is no other way we can advance this debate. 220 00:12:19,035 --> 00:12:20,715 Here are the old wrappers. 221 00:12:20,715 --> 00:12:22,675 Lovely, you see, there are the yellow ones. 222 00:12:22,675 --> 00:12:23,675 You'd look through that. 223 00:12:23,675 --> 00:12:26,115 Here are what the new ones will look like. 224 00:12:26,115 --> 00:12:29,275 AUDIENCE BOOS There was one boo for Jake Berry, 225 00:12:29,275 --> 00:12:33,235 and there was a whole chorus of boos for the new Quality Street. 226 00:12:33,235 --> 00:12:35,875 I know they might be doing it for PR, you know, 227 00:12:35,875 --> 00:12:38,515 to get people talking about it, so I think we should 228 00:12:38,515 --> 00:12:39,555 clarify, they look shit. 229 00:12:39,555 --> 00:12:43,075 But who thinks... 230 00:12:44,475 --> 00:12:47,235 I should imagine there is a Quality Street appreciation 231 00:12:47,235 --> 00:12:50,115 society that has said, "No, we have memories of holding up 232 00:12:50,115 --> 00:12:53,755 the yellow wrappers, watching black-and-white TV." 233 00:12:53,755 --> 00:12:54,795 Alex Hutchinson... 234 00:12:54,795 --> 00:12:55,955 Yes, him. 235 00:12:55,955 --> 00:12:57,115 He is actually a she. 236 00:12:57,115 --> 00:12:59,315 According to the Sunday Times... 237 00:12:59,315 --> 00:13:02,275 Well, I know him better than you do. 238 00:13:02,275 --> 00:13:04,515 She is a... 239 00:13:04,515 --> 00:13:06,555 Any idea what she might specialise in? 240 00:13:06,555 --> 00:13:07,995 Quality Street. 241 00:13:07,995 --> 00:13:09,875 Yeah, I mean, I've got a list here. 242 00:13:09,875 --> 00:13:11,235 William of Orange. 243 00:13:11,235 --> 00:13:12,395 Wars of the Roses? 244 00:13:12,395 --> 00:13:13,635 There you go. 245 00:13:13,635 --> 00:13:14,675 The battle of Marathon. 246 00:13:14,675 --> 00:13:17,395 Oh, I see, these are jokes! 247 00:13:17,395 --> 00:13:19,755 Sorry! 248 00:13:21,155 --> 00:13:23,635 Did you know that each individual Quality Street 249 00:13:23,635 --> 00:13:25,915 has its own wrapping machine? 250 00:13:25,915 --> 00:13:28,435 Yeah, it's not surprising at all. 251 00:13:28,435 --> 00:13:29,595 Well... 252 00:13:29,595 --> 00:13:33,195 If Quality Street means anything, it is the word "quality". 253 00:13:33,195 --> 00:13:35,395 I wouldn't expect some old bloke smoking a fag 254 00:13:35,395 --> 00:13:37,755 round the back going, "Oh, that's all the toffees done, 255 00:13:37,755 --> 00:13:39,035 let's do the ginger slings." 256 00:13:39,035 --> 00:13:40,075 I wouldn't expect that. 257 00:13:40,075 --> 00:13:41,515 I wouldn't expect that from them. 258 00:13:41,515 --> 00:13:43,155 That's why the boxes are so small. 259 00:13:43,155 --> 00:13:45,315 Quality Street, not Quantity Street. 260 00:13:45,315 --> 00:13:47,595 Who do you think was more enthusiastic than Paul 261 00:13:47,595 --> 00:13:49,835 about the fact that each individual Quality Street chocolate 262 00:13:49,835 --> 00:13:51,635 has its own wrapping machine? 263 00:13:51,635 --> 00:13:53,675 Oh, was it Gregg...thingy? 264 00:13:53,675 --> 00:13:55,715 Gregg Wallace? 265 00:13:55,715 --> 00:13:56,835 "Gregg Thingy"? 266 00:13:56,835 --> 00:13:59,195 And his friend, the other one. 267 00:13:59,195 --> 00:14:01,835 Shall we have a look at Gregg Thingy at the factory? 268 00:14:01,835 --> 00:14:06,075 The sweet's coming up under here now. 269 00:14:06,075 --> 00:14:07,115 OK. 270 00:14:07,115 --> 00:14:08,515 Brilliant! 271 00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:10,755 And then, as it gets up to the top... 272 00:14:10,755 --> 00:14:11,995 Wow, it just twisted it! 273 00:14:11,995 --> 00:14:13,195 It twisted it. 274 00:14:13,195 --> 00:14:15,355 Either side. 275 00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:17,835 Literally like a couple of fingers coming in and twisting it. 276 00:14:17,835 --> 00:14:19,075 Yeah. 277 00:14:19,075 --> 00:14:20,475 So, and that's what we've got. 278 00:14:20,475 --> 00:14:25,555 Brilli-a-a-ant! 279 00:14:26,195 --> 00:14:29,835 Has he had a drugs test? 280 00:14:29,835 --> 00:14:32,475 In a climate change breakthrough, Nestle have announced that some 281 00:14:32,475 --> 00:14:35,275 of the wrappers on Quality Street will soon be recyclable. 282 00:14:35,275 --> 00:14:37,355 The changes to Quality Street are yet another example 283 00:14:37,355 --> 00:14:39,915 of the modern woke agenda ruining the traditions of Christmas. 284 00:14:39,915 --> 00:14:45,195 This year, they've even got a man doing the Queen's Speech. 285 00:14:45,515 --> 00:14:48,715 APPLAUSE 286 00:14:48,715 --> 00:14:51,195 And so to round two, the Strengthometer of News. 287 00:14:51,195 --> 00:14:56,035 Fingers on buzzers, please, teams. 288 00:14:56,035 --> 00:14:57,435 BUZZER 289 00:14:57,435 --> 00:14:58,395 Yes. 290 00:14:58,395 --> 00:15:01,515 Elon Musk, he made an offer to buy Twitter but then he said, 291 00:15:01,515 --> 00:15:03,515 I'm not doing that, I made a mistake. 292 00:15:03,515 --> 00:15:06,635 And now he's back on board and he's going to be on Twitter. 293 00:15:06,635 --> 00:15:09,235 And why do you think he had this change of heart? 294 00:15:09,235 --> 00:15:11,395 Because he realised Twitter was full of angry, ill-informed 295 00:15:11,395 --> 00:15:13,395 people, like himself. 296 00:15:13,395 --> 00:15:17,755 Is he in the middle of some sort of court case? 297 00:15:17,755 --> 00:15:21,035 He was being sued by Twitter for pulling out of the deal to buy 298 00:15:21,035 --> 00:15:24,675 it, and one of the possible outcomes of the case was that he would lose 299 00:15:24,675 --> 00:15:27,515 and be forced to buy it, so some people are saying, 300 00:15:27,515 --> 00:15:31,155 if he buys it now, it works out much cheaper for him. 301 00:15:31,155 --> 00:15:33,195 Why is the US Democratic Party worried about this 302 00:15:33,195 --> 00:15:38,515 takeover by Elon Musk? 303 00:15:38,995 --> 00:15:42,355 Is this because Trump would be allowed back on Twitter? 304 00:15:42,355 --> 00:15:44,275 He said he'd put him back on Twitter. 305 00:15:44,275 --> 00:15:46,635 Where has the former President been posting on social media 306 00:15:46,635 --> 00:15:48,475 since he's been off Twitter? 307 00:15:48,475 --> 00:15:50,075 He has his own social media network. 308 00:15:50,075 --> 00:15:51,075 Called? 309 00:15:51,075 --> 00:15:56,195 Trumpy. 310 00:15:56,235 --> 00:16:00,235 I thought he was just on Pinterest, posting inspirational interiors. 311 00:16:00,235 --> 00:16:03,075 He is shouting through the medium of Truth Social which a journalist 312 00:16:03,075 --> 00:16:05,315 for the Financial Times described as... 313 00:16:08,435 --> 00:16:12,835 And she's seen Ivo's old MySpace page, so strong words. 314 00:16:14,235 --> 00:16:16,675 You won't see more dedicated Kaiser Chiefs fan art anywhere 315 00:16:16,675 --> 00:16:20,515 else on the internet. 316 00:16:20,515 --> 00:16:22,755 How did Joe Biden embarrass himself last week in relation 317 00:16:22,755 --> 00:16:26,435 to congresswoman Jackie Walorski? 318 00:16:26,435 --> 00:16:28,075 I didn't see it. 319 00:16:28,075 --> 00:16:30,275 He asked her to stand up at a rally... 320 00:16:30,275 --> 00:16:31,315 Oh, no. 321 00:16:31,315 --> 00:16:32,635 But unfortunately... 322 00:16:32,635 --> 00:16:33,675 She's in a wheelchair? 323 00:16:33,675 --> 00:16:34,875 Worse. 324 00:16:34,875 --> 00:16:37,395 She struggled to do, because she's dead. 325 00:16:37,395 --> 00:16:41,675 She's dead? 326 00:16:41,675 --> 00:16:45,075 Mind you, it would have been a coup if she had have stood up. 327 00:16:45,075 --> 00:16:48,795 He struggles to stand up and he's alive. 328 00:16:49,395 --> 00:16:52,035 What else has Elon Musk been trying to solve? 329 00:16:52,035 --> 00:16:54,675 He's been trying to solve the Ukraine-Russia war, 330 00:16:54,675 --> 00:16:57,515 and there was a bit of a backlash with people saying, this 331 00:16:57,515 --> 00:16:58,675 isn't helping hugely. 332 00:16:58,675 --> 00:17:00,555 And what did the Ukrainian ambassador to Germany 333 00:17:00,555 --> 00:17:02,195 say in response? 334 00:17:02,195 --> 00:17:04,715 Lock off. 335 00:17:04,715 --> 00:17:08,955 Lock off, yeah. 336 00:17:09,355 --> 00:17:14,235 APPLAUSE 337 00:17:14,235 --> 00:17:16,595 He also said that no Ukrainians from now on would 338 00:17:16,595 --> 00:17:19,075 ever buy that Tesla... 339 00:17:19,075 --> 00:17:21,075 Electric car. 340 00:17:21,075 --> 00:17:23,315 It was another swearword. 341 00:17:23,315 --> 00:17:28,555 Tesla fuckwagon. 342 00:17:32,435 --> 00:17:33,875 That was it! 343 00:17:33,875 --> 00:17:37,515 You try getting an MOT on one of them. 344 00:17:37,515 --> 00:17:40,635 This is the news that Elon Musk has decided he will go ahead 345 00:17:40,635 --> 00:17:42,195 with his plan to buy Twitter. 346 00:17:42,195 --> 00:17:45,235 The BBC reported that the initial meeting to buy the social media firm 347 00:17:45,235 --> 00:17:48,395 took place at a farm, and on that farm he agreed to become 348 00:17:48,395 --> 00:17:52,475 Twitter C-E-I-E-I-O. 349 00:17:52,475 --> 00:17:55,395 It's an Apple Old Macdonald. 350 00:17:55,395 --> 00:17:58,395 Dear me! 351 00:17:58,395 --> 00:18:03,595 You sounded like Basil Brush, then. 352 00:18:04,315 --> 00:18:05,355 Fingers on buzzers, teams. 353 00:18:05,355 --> 00:18:08,635 Here's the next one. 354 00:18:08,635 --> 00:18:11,155 BUZZER 355 00:18:11,155 --> 00:18:14,475 The face is familiar. 356 00:18:14,475 --> 00:18:17,355 Yes, this is King Charles, as we now know him. 357 00:18:17,355 --> 00:18:20,315 Liz Truss says he can't go to a conference about green issues 358 00:18:20,315 --> 00:18:22,955 and he wanted to go and she said, you can't go. 359 00:18:22,955 --> 00:18:26,115 King Charles had been going to make a speech at this climate conference 360 00:18:26,115 --> 00:18:28,515 and there were reports he was ordered not to go, 361 00:18:28,515 --> 00:18:31,795 but both sides have said, there is no suggestion of a row. 362 00:18:31,795 --> 00:18:37,035 So there was a row? 363 00:18:37,235 --> 00:18:39,475 In other news, Prince William recently came into possession 364 00:18:39,475 --> 00:18:42,035 of the Duchy of Cornwall estate formerly owned by his father, 365 00:18:42,035 --> 00:18:45,395 so that includes a garden centre, some rivers and a tin mine. 366 00:18:45,395 --> 00:18:47,955 Do you know what Prince Charles's income was from the Duchy 367 00:18:47,955 --> 00:18:49,235 of Cornwall estate? 368 00:18:49,235 --> 00:18:54,515 Must have come close to the old 45p, mustn't he? 369 00:18:54,715 --> 00:18:57,555 He went and got a better job. 370 00:18:57,555 --> 00:18:59,795 Went and got a better job! 371 00:18:59,795 --> 00:19:02,715 Got up early. 372 00:19:02,715 --> 00:19:04,915 APPLAUSE 373 00:19:04,915 --> 00:19:06,595 His income from the Duchy of Cornwall 374 00:19:06,595 --> 00:19:07,835 was £21 million a year. 375 00:19:07,835 --> 00:19:10,955 He did pay income tax, but not on the first 376 00:19:10,955 --> 00:19:13,715 £23 million of earnings, and no corporation tax 377 00:19:13,715 --> 00:19:18,275 or capital gains tax. 378 00:19:18,275 --> 00:19:20,675 When he inherited the Queen's estate, he didn't pay inheritance 379 00:19:20,675 --> 00:19:24,395 tax, but other than that he's just like you and me. 380 00:19:24,395 --> 00:19:26,835 Do you know when the Coronation is expected to be? 381 00:19:26,835 --> 00:19:27,875 June third. 382 00:19:27,875 --> 00:19:28,875 June 3rd, 2023. 383 00:19:28,875 --> 00:19:30,355 What else is happening that day? 384 00:19:30,355 --> 00:19:31,435 A horse race. 385 00:19:31,435 --> 00:19:34,275 The FA Cup final. 386 00:19:34,275 --> 00:19:37,155 Players will be competing for this beauty, and isn't it lovely how 387 00:19:37,155 --> 00:19:40,955 they've adapted it to a likeness of the King? 388 00:19:44,075 --> 00:19:47,235 This is the news that Liz Truss told King Charles not to go 389 00:19:47,235 --> 00:19:48,355 to the COP27 climate summit. 390 00:19:48,355 --> 00:19:51,595 The Royals are nervously awaiting Prince Harry's tell-all memoir. 391 00:19:51,595 --> 00:19:54,915 Andrew, if you're scouring the index, you're listed under P. 392 00:19:54,915 --> 00:19:58,515 Not Prince, bit higher up. 393 00:19:59,515 --> 00:20:01,715 Prince William's recently inherited Duchy of Cornwall estate includes 394 00:20:01,715 --> 00:20:03,155 a tin mine in Cornwall. 395 00:20:03,155 --> 00:20:06,595 Prince William will be able to sell any metal produced by the tin mine 396 00:20:06,595 --> 00:20:07,955 thanks to the ancient royal proclamation, 397 00:20:07,955 --> 00:20:11,275 whoever smelt it, dealt it. 398 00:20:11,275 --> 00:20:14,115 Fingers on buzzers, here we go. 399 00:20:15,035 --> 00:20:16,035 BELL 400 00:20:16,035 --> 00:20:17,155 Yes. 401 00:20:17,155 --> 00:20:18,355 Poker. 402 00:20:18,355 --> 00:20:21,635 It's cheating, cheating in games. 403 00:20:21,635 --> 00:20:23,875 The chess man who we did last week, 404 00:20:23,875 --> 00:20:27,035 who had the beads that helped him, he's been cheating again. 405 00:20:27,035 --> 00:20:29,195 You just want to talk about anal beads again. 406 00:20:29,195 --> 00:20:34,395 I want to talk about the Venerable Bede. 407 00:20:36,075 --> 00:20:38,395 And lots of people in other games have said, no, 408 00:20:38,395 --> 00:20:39,835 we've got a cheat as well. 409 00:20:39,835 --> 00:20:41,195 So there is a poker cheat. 410 00:20:41,195 --> 00:20:44,595 I can't believe this wasn't the opening story. 411 00:20:44,595 --> 00:20:46,635 Presumably the cheating is above the level of what's 412 00:20:46,635 --> 00:20:49,315 being demonstrated here. 413 00:20:49,315 --> 00:20:52,715 Well, in my view, this woman is definitely not cheating. 414 00:20:52,715 --> 00:20:55,795 The thing that is hard for non-poker players to understand about it, 415 00:20:55,795 --> 00:20:58,635 is he went all in and she called. 416 00:20:58,635 --> 00:21:01,835 And how would you know you had the winning hand with Jack high? 417 00:21:01,835 --> 00:21:04,115 But she didn't really, because even though her jack 418 00:21:04,115 --> 00:21:06,755 was beating his eight, he can hit any six, any jack, 419 00:21:06,755 --> 00:21:09,875 any seven, any eight or any club, so mathematically her hand is ahead. 420 00:21:09,875 --> 00:21:11,395 BUZZER 421 00:21:11,395 --> 00:21:15,995 Is there much more of this? 422 00:21:17,115 --> 00:21:19,035 OK, you are interested in Quality Street, I'm 423 00:21:19,035 --> 00:21:21,035 interested in this hand. 424 00:21:21,035 --> 00:21:23,395 Well, make the rest of us interested in it, then. 425 00:21:23,395 --> 00:21:28,075 Imagine you've got an audience listening to this. 426 00:21:28,075 --> 00:21:30,715 But I think it's interesting because what people are accusing her 427 00:21:30,715 --> 00:21:33,355 of is having a hidden vibrating device like the anal beads. 428 00:21:33,355 --> 00:21:34,395 Yes. 429 00:21:34,395 --> 00:21:36,315 And I don't think any of it's true. 430 00:21:36,315 --> 00:21:38,955 I don't think the chess player did either, I think he 431 00:21:38,955 --> 00:21:40,035 had an earpiece. 432 00:21:40,035 --> 00:21:43,315 But where did he have the ear piece, that's what everyone wants to know. 433 00:21:43,315 --> 00:21:45,955 Are there any other games it's spread to, this vibrating cheating? 434 00:21:45,955 --> 00:21:46,995 Snap. 435 00:21:46,995 --> 00:21:49,195 Apparently, Liz Truss used to cheat at board games 436 00:21:49,195 --> 00:21:50,195 according to her brother. 437 00:21:50,195 --> 00:21:53,435 She must have been the banker, presumably. 438 00:21:53,435 --> 00:21:55,315 There has been a cheating allegation somewhere else. 439 00:21:55,315 --> 00:21:57,155 Has it been in the world of fishing? 440 00:21:57,155 --> 00:21:58,235 Yes, it has. 441 00:21:58,235 --> 00:21:59,995 Fishing? 442 00:21:59,995 --> 00:22:05,235 Yeah, a man landed a giant cod but it was covered in batter. 443 00:22:06,115 --> 00:22:08,515 There were these competitions, and you can win like $50,000 444 00:22:08,515 --> 00:22:11,115 for catching the heaviest fish, so this chap just stuffed lead 445 00:22:11,115 --> 00:22:14,515 weights into the fish's mouth. 446 00:22:14,515 --> 00:22:17,115 Shall we have a look at the moment they were caught? 447 00:22:17,115 --> 00:22:19,875 Go on, then. 448 00:22:21,915 --> 00:22:25,875 Those are pretty big vibrating beads. 449 00:22:27,995 --> 00:22:30,555 This is the news that the poker world has been rocked 450 00:22:30,555 --> 00:22:31,635 by accusations of cheating. 451 00:22:31,635 --> 00:22:34,475 A poker player has been accused of cheating by having a vibrating 452 00:22:34,475 --> 00:22:35,715 device hidden on her body. 453 00:22:35,715 --> 00:22:38,795 It doesn't make sense to me, if you have a good, strong hand, 454 00:22:38,795 --> 00:22:40,595 why would you need a vibrator? 455 00:22:40,595 --> 00:22:42,835 Time now for the missing words round which features 456 00:22:42,835 --> 00:22:45,275 as its guest publication, Dr Darts' Newsletter, 457 00:22:45,275 --> 00:22:47,155 the monthly publication bringing the most up-to-date research 458 00:22:47,155 --> 00:22:48,995 into the history of darts. 459 00:22:48,995 --> 00:22:51,555 And we start with... 460 00:22:55,035 --> 00:22:57,675 Wheelie bin, it's always a wheelie bin. 461 00:22:57,675 --> 00:23:00,275 Woman spotted on Google Street view in exactly the same place 462 00:23:00,275 --> 00:23:02,955 she was nine years ago. 463 00:23:02,955 --> 00:23:05,795 What, in her own home? 464 00:23:05,795 --> 00:23:09,635 This picture is 2009 and 2018. 465 00:23:09,635 --> 00:23:11,115 Well, that's a traffic lights. 466 00:23:11,115 --> 00:23:15,715 Where do you want her to be standing, in the middle of the road? 467 00:23:15,715 --> 00:23:18,355 Next... 468 00:23:20,075 --> 00:23:24,075 Tanked the economy. 469 00:23:24,075 --> 00:23:26,595 Man who took a photograph of a woman crossing the road 470 00:23:26,595 --> 00:23:30,035 twice in nine years, did it to prove... 471 00:23:30,035 --> 00:23:32,195 I can't believe that happened. 472 00:23:32,195 --> 00:23:35,235 What's the chances of that happening twice in nine years? 473 00:23:35,235 --> 00:23:38,715 In the town where she lives. 474 00:23:38,715 --> 00:23:43,755 Next to a shop where she goes every week. 475 00:23:46,235 --> 00:23:48,475 This is Richard Lee-Wright who started the London Marathon 476 00:23:48,475 --> 00:23:51,995 by making a mad dash for the front in order to prove to his friends 477 00:23:51,995 --> 00:23:53,275 he could lead the race. 478 00:23:53,275 --> 00:23:57,355 Let's have a look at him setting off. 479 00:23:57,795 --> 00:24:00,435 Second is the constant, reassuring constant over the years, 480 00:24:00,435 --> 00:24:02,835 then surely the London Marathon is the same as well. 481 00:24:02,835 --> 00:24:07,115 Over 40 years we've come to enjoy these sights. 482 00:24:07,115 --> 00:24:10,955 It's not Philip Schofield, is it? 483 00:24:10,955 --> 00:24:13,835 He would have joined the Marathon halfway through. 484 00:24:13,835 --> 00:24:16,795 Next... 485 00:24:18,275 --> 00:24:21,635 The purrfect grade. 486 00:24:21,635 --> 00:24:24,395 Photographed in the school reunion photo. 487 00:24:24,395 --> 00:24:25,635 That's it! 488 00:24:25,635 --> 00:24:27,275 What do you mean, that's it? 489 00:24:27,275 --> 00:24:31,075 This is Ziggy the cat, who is a frequent visitor to Drury 490 00:24:31,075 --> 00:24:35,155 Primary School in Fincher. 491 00:24:35,155 --> 00:24:38,635 Here he is in the school photo. 492 00:24:38,635 --> 00:24:40,235 That's nice. 493 00:24:40,235 --> 00:24:43,675 Got an anal bead round its neck. 494 00:24:43,675 --> 00:24:46,155 Next... 495 00:24:46,155 --> 00:24:48,355 Well, it's got to be eat his own product, 496 00:24:48,355 --> 00:24:49,995 what else is he going to do? 497 00:24:49,995 --> 00:24:52,435 Dog food boss regularly takes photograph of woman at traffic 498 00:24:52,435 --> 00:24:56,835 lights, but only produces photographs for the last nine years. 499 00:24:56,835 --> 00:24:59,755 Regularly humps wife's leg. 500 00:24:59,755 --> 00:25:02,995 He must have eaten his own dog food. 501 00:25:05,635 --> 00:25:08,555 The CEO of Mars, Grant Reid, says he's been sampling the company's 502 00:25:08,555 --> 00:25:10,395 Pedigree Chum for years. 503 00:25:10,395 --> 00:25:12,315 Though occasionally it gives him an upset stomach, 504 00:25:12,315 --> 00:25:16,995 which is not good news for Mrs Reid, who has to pick up after him. 505 00:25:17,515 --> 00:25:19,435 Next... 506 00:25:22,475 --> 00:25:25,955 Readership. 507 00:25:25,955 --> 00:25:27,435 Agenda. 508 00:25:27,435 --> 00:25:29,115 A common misconception about Dr Darts' Newsletter 509 00:25:29,115 --> 00:25:32,275 is that it has a big misconception attached to it. 510 00:25:32,275 --> 00:25:34,075 Is it board? 511 00:25:34,075 --> 00:25:36,515 I'm going to take board, because it is to do 512 00:25:36,515 --> 00:25:38,195 with the size of its personnel. 513 00:25:38,195 --> 00:25:42,395 A common misconception... 514 00:25:43,595 --> 00:25:45,835 Just as good as board. 515 00:25:45,835 --> 00:25:51,075 How is board close to team of research staff? 516 00:25:53,275 --> 00:25:55,635 Is this some sort of Oxford prejudice coming in here? 517 00:25:55,635 --> 00:25:57,835 Is this because you walked across the quadrangle together 518 00:25:57,835 --> 00:26:01,115 wearing mortar boards, tilted at a jaunty angle. 519 00:26:01,115 --> 00:26:05,195 "I'm going to go into television after doing this." 520 00:26:05,195 --> 00:26:09,795 I'm so flattered you think I was there at the same time as Victoria! 521 00:26:09,795 --> 00:26:14,195 APPLAUSE 522 00:26:14,195 --> 00:26:16,955 Oh, dear, that's made my night. 523 00:26:16,955 --> 00:26:20,395 And finally... 524 00:26:20,595 --> 00:26:23,435 Looking bored in sepia photos. 525 00:26:23,435 --> 00:26:27,275 Not if you've got the yellow bit of Quality Street. 526 00:26:27,275 --> 00:26:29,715 Dance music? 527 00:26:29,715 --> 00:26:31,555 Queen Victoria was a pioneer of dance music? 528 00:26:31,555 --> 00:26:33,795 Was she, is that right? 529 00:26:33,795 --> 00:26:38,875 This is the news that a cache of letters written by... 530 00:26:41,675 --> 00:26:43,675 Cach-ay. 531 00:26:43,675 --> 00:26:44,755 No. 532 00:26:44,755 --> 00:26:46,195 Cache. 533 00:26:46,195 --> 00:26:47,195 Cache, really? 534 00:26:47,195 --> 00:26:48,355 Yes, I think so. 535 00:26:48,355 --> 00:26:49,395 I've wasted my time. 536 00:26:49,395 --> 00:26:53,275 Bundle. 537 00:26:53,275 --> 00:26:55,715 This is the news that a bundle of letters written 538 00:26:55,715 --> 00:26:56,755 by Queen Victoria... 539 00:26:56,755 --> 00:27:02,035 Bund-lay. 540 00:27:02,835 --> 00:27:05,675 Experts believe she may have been drunk at the time of writing 541 00:27:05,675 --> 00:27:07,675 and used abbreviations similar to today's text messages. 542 00:27:07,675 --> 00:27:10,115 One of the letters read... 543 00:27:12,155 --> 00:27:17,475 Followed by, aubergine, aubergine, chair leg. 544 00:27:18,875 --> 00:27:24,155 What on earth are you talking about? 545 00:27:29,955 --> 00:27:32,395 So the final scores are Ian and Isabel have five, 546 00:27:32,395 --> 00:27:35,115 Paul and Ivo have nine. 547 00:27:35,115 --> 00:27:40,395 APPLAUSE 548 00:27:40,795 --> 00:27:43,195 Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition. 549 00:27:43,195 --> 00:27:47,915 Scientist explains why he and his wife sleep in separate beds. 550 00:27:47,915 --> 00:27:51,795 If we take the rectangle on the left as being nine years ago and the one 551 00:27:51,795 --> 00:27:55,235 on the right as today, the woman in the middle 552 00:27:55,235 --> 00:27:59,475 is in exactly the same position. 553 00:27:59,475 --> 00:28:04,675 Because she is standing by traffic lights. 554 00:28:05,395 --> 00:28:07,835 On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, 555 00:28:07,835 --> 00:28:10,675 Ian Hislop and Isabel Hardman, Paul Merton and Ivo Graham. 556 00:28:10,675 --> 00:28:13,515 And I leave you with news that in Somerset, the PR team 557 00:28:13,515 --> 00:28:16,155 for EDF Energy insists that the new Hinkley C nuclear power 558 00:28:16,155 --> 00:28:19,195 station is perfectly safe. 559 00:28:21,835 --> 00:28:24,515 At Westminster, there is an awkward silence as Keir Starmer identifies 560 00:28:24,515 --> 00:28:28,155 two big reasons why the electorate stopped voting Labour. 561 00:28:32,035 --> 00:28:34,755 And at the Radisson Hotel in Birmingham, it's still a mystery 562 00:28:34,755 --> 00:28:36,675 as to how carbon monoxide was diverted into 563 00:28:36,675 --> 00:28:39,875 Michael Gove's room. 564 00:28:42,995 --> 00:28:48,315 Goodnight.