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This programme contains
some strong language.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening.
Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

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I'm Victoria Coren-Mitchell.

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In the news this week...

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At the Balham branch
of Pizza Express, there's dismay

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for the chef as another customer
orders the American Hot.

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At Central Office, a trip
to the first floor is a bit

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of a treat for some
of the Conservative Party membership

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who voted for Liz Truss.

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And most commentators agree that
Liz Truss could have chosen a more

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private moment to tell one
of her ministers

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that they're sacked.

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On Ian's team tonight
is a journalist who reported from

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the Conservative Party Conference,
so tonight will be the second time

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she's been in a venue where half
the audience are asleep.

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Please welcome Isabel Hardman.

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On Paul's team tonight is a comedian
whose show was described

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by the Times as "a hugely enjoyable
hour of stand-up".

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Unfortunately, it was
a three-hour special.

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Please welcome Ivo Graham.

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We begin with the bigger news
stories of the week.

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Ian and Isabel, have a look at this.

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It's the woman of the moment!

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It's the ex-Prime Minister.

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There is her local party.

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Yeah, a group of puppets.

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And a man walking
in a straight line.

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You see, now U-turn.

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And she's blowing something up.

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The economy!

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So, you were there,
how gloomy was it?

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It was great.

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If you like feasting on human
misery, I cannot recommend a better

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holiday than the Conservative Party
conference in Birmingham.

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I read in the papers that
Liz's speech was marvellous

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and it was going
to rouse the nation.

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Is that not true?

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If it had come at the end
of a really, really good conference,

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it would have been a really,
really bad speech.

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Did you see Therese Coffey's speech?

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I did.

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Shall we have a look at speech?

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While in England we have now
virtually eliminated

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waits of over two years,
we are speeding up our plans to roll

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out new diagnostic centres
as well as new hospitals.

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I mean, normally
coffee wakes people up...

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But who got the biggest
reaction from the crowd?

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Greenpeace demonstrators.

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They appeared with a banner
and a man angrily pulled

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the banner away from them,
and then brilliantly,

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they had another identical banner.

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Let's have a look at
one annoying heckler.

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That was the speech
of a Prime Minister trying

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to hold her party together.

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Have you done enough,
Prime Minister?

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I'm so sorry, that wasn't
the climate change people,

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that was Chris Mason from the BBC.

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The climate change protesters,
let's look at them.

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Let's get them removed...

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When they were all shouting,
"Out, out, out," I wasn't sure

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who they were saying it to.

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And of course, the protester
de-lanyarded there,

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that's the ultimate indignity.

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How did Jacob Rees-Mogg avoid
that happening to him?

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Was he in a brothel?

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Just wanted to say something that
wouldn't make the edit, that's all.

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Let's have a look at how
Jacob Rees-Mogg wears his lanyard.

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It looks like he is
a lot at auction.

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Here is a debate that I enjoyed,
and I hope you know the answer

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to this, is Liz Truss the first
Prime Minister to have gone

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to comprehensive school?

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Theresa May's school
was a comprehensive school?

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No, it was selective.

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As was Gordon-Brown's school.

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What about John Major?

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Selective.

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The key word is selective,
because no-one chose Liz Truss.

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One pundit before the speech said
the good thing is that the slogan

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is projected onto the wall
behind her, so it's not

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going to fall off like
it did with Theresa May.

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That's a pretty low
expectation for a speech.

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What is the downside of using this
sort of back projection?

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Well, it is up there for ages
and people look at it

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and think, "That isn't true."

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People that are computer
whizzes can adjust it.

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For example, like this.

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The left are attacking our profound
elemental values, wanting to replace

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them with the poison
of identity politics.

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What a day.

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It has been tough, but we need
to focus on the job in hand.

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What is the anti-growth coalition?

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It is an imaginary group of enemies.

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If you are doing very,
very badly in the polls

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and you have no ideas,
traditionally, you invent an enemy.

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You just list everybody and say
they are anti-growth.

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They are anti-her.

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I mean, if she thinks
she is some sort of growth...

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Liz Truss said that the anti-growth
of coalition included...

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The Daily Mail said Number Ten...

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She has blamed everyone.

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IMF, BBC, C of E, DFS...

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Let's see who Liz Truss
thought was to blame

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for the 45p tax rate cut.

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Her Chancellor?

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Can I ask you, Prime Minister,
did you discuss scrapping the top

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rate with your whole Cabinet?

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No.

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No, we didn't.

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It was a decision that
the Chancellor made.

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If only there was someone
he could have reported to.

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Who is the Chancellor blaming
for the financial meltdown?

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Oh, yes, the death of the Queen.

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On the death of the Queen!

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The death of the Queen,
so it was her fault.

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Why don't we have a look at him
at the Queen's funeral

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just processing that grief?

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Oh, yes.

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He is a strange character, isn't he?

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The sort of slow
walking that he does.

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I wondered perhaps if he had some
sort of medical condition.

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Like he's got his head stuck
up his arse or something.

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But I didn't know...

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He walks slowly because he's
got these very extreme

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bunions on his feet,
and if you have bunions,

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you need to pop down Boots and get
yourself an anti-growth coalition.

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It will sort the whole thing out.

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I mean, nobody knows
what he was laughing at.

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Presumably, he was thinking,
"If I bring in a mini Budget,

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I can tank the whole economy."

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Isabel, do you think there
is going to be an election soon?

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I mean, I don't think
there is any option that makes

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anything any better.

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Is that the official slogan?

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I Don't Think There Is Any Option
That Makes Anything Any Better.

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Liz Truss was adamant she wasn't
going to drop the plan

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to scrap the 45p tax,
but less than 24 hours later,

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she had U-turned on that,
leading to this headline in the Sun.

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At exactly the same time,
in unison, Liz Truss

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and Kwasi Kwarteng tweeted...

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Having come out and said it,
should she have stuck with it?

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No, I mean, because she's got
a number of other U-turns to go.

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If you do two U-turns,
aren't you then facing the same way?

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Maybe I don't understand
this metaphor.

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One, another one, you're
still going in that direction.

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I said last week, you
should be Chancellor.

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Yeah, I'm waiting for the call.

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You can do the maths.

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Yeah...

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Well, I can find
somebody that can do it.

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And what is it that Liz Truss
doesn't like about the media?

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They keep reporting what she says.

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She also accused them of taking...

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Yes, so I was pretty
appalled by that.

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You don't live in
North London, do you?

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I live in South London
and I took a limo...

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She was asked, Liz Truss,
by the Guardian, if she herself had

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ever taken a taxi from her London
town house to the BBC studios.

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A Downing Street
spokesperson replied...

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The pound has recovered slightly,
but who is a weak pound good for?

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Apart from Keir Starmer.

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It's good for people who bet
against it, it's good

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for the hedge funders.

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It's good for those people and also
tourists, of course.

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Yes.

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Virgin Atlantic this week
advertised flights to American

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customers with the slogan...

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Which is also the slogan
that they used for meetings

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at the Palace with the Saudis,
it was the same slogan.

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What advice did the Chairman
of the Parliamentary

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Conservative Party, Jake Berry,
have for people worried

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about the cost-of-living crisis?

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I mean, I can tell you,
I literally had never

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heard of him until today.

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I'm going to say that right out.

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Yeah, but nor had his family.

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Let's have a look at
Jake Berry's comforting advice.

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People know that when their bills
arrive, they can either

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cut their consumption or they can
get a higher salary, higher wages,

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go out there and get that new job.

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That's the approach
the Government is taking.

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Who is he?

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He is in charge of their
election messaging.

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Well, there we are, then.

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What could go wrong with that?

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He came up with
Getting Britain Moving.

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Because we're
repossessing your house.

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That's the slogan,
we can all get behind it.

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Well, there might be nuclear war.

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This is the news that Liz Truss
is still Prime Minister.

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One attendee at the Conservative
conference told the BBC...

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Adding, "Anyway, here's your name
badge, enjoy the conference."

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Paul and Ivo, take a look at this.

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Ah, yes, I recognise those tins,
those are Quality Street tins.

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Quality Street wrappers.

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At last, something
I'm interested in.

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They've changed the Quality Street
wrappers after 70 years.

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Christmas time, black-and-white TV,
used to hold up the yellow thing

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and look through it and make it look
like a colour TV.

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Quality Street
wrappers have changed.

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Next question.

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Sorry...

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What?

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You used to look
through the wrapper...

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Yeah, at black-and-white
televisions, in the 1960s, to make

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it look as if it was in colour.

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I don't suppose you did
that at Eton, did you?

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I thought, "I've just got
to keep my head down

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about my private education
in at the round about

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the Conservative Party,
then we can have that nice relaxing

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bit about Quality Street."

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It often gets you when
you least expect it.

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Why have they done this?

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I don't know, they can't
get the papier mache?

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Whatever reason.

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It's for environmental reasons.

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00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:11,480
Yes, good.

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00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:14,600
Would you like to see the old
wrappers compared to the new ones?

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I think there is no other way we can
advance this debate.

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Here are the old wrappers.

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Lovely, you see, there
are the yellow ones.

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You'd look through that.

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Here are what the new
ones will look like.

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AUDIENCE BOOS There was one
boo for Jake Berry,

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and there was a whole chorus of boos
for the new Quality Street.

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I know they might be doing
it for PR, you know,

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to get people talking about it,
so I think we should

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clarify, they look shit.

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But who thinks...

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I should imagine there
is a Quality Street appreciation

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society that has said,
"No, we have memories of holding up

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the yellow wrappers,
watching black-and-white TV."

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Alex Hutchinson...

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Yes, him.

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He is actually a she.

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According to the Sunday Times...

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Well, I know him better than you do.

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She is a...

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Any idea what she
might specialise in?

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Quality Street.

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00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:09,280
Yeah, I mean, I've got a list here.

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William of Orange.

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Wars of the Roses?

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There you go.

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The battle of Marathon.

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Oh, I see, these are jokes!

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Sorry!

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Did you know that each
individual Quality Street

249
00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:25,320
has its own wrapping machine?

250
00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:27,880
Yeah, it's not surprising at all.

251
00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:29,040
Well...

252
00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:32,640
If Quality Street means anything,
it is the word "quality".

253
00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:34,840
I wouldn't expect some
old bloke smoking a fag

254
00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:37,200
round the back going,
"Oh, that's all the toffees done,

255
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:38,440
let's do the ginger slings."

256
00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:39,480
I wouldn't expect that.

257
00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:40,960
I wouldn't expect that from them.

258
00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:42,560
That's why the boxes are so small.

259
00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:44,760
Quality Street, not Quantity Street.

260
00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:47,040
Who do you think was more
enthusiastic than Paul

261
00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:49,240
about the fact that each individual
Quality Street chocolate

262
00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:51,080
has its own wrapping machine?

263
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:53,080
Oh, was it Gregg...thingy?

264
00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:54,160
Gregg Wallace?

265
00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:55,160
Gregg Wallace?

266
00:13:55,160 --> 00:13:56,240
"Gregg Thingy"?

267
00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:58,640
And his friend, the other one.

268
00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:01,280
Shall we have a look
at Gregg Thingy at the factory?

269
00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:05,480
The sweet's coming
up under here now.

270
00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:06,560
OK.

271
00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:07,960
Brilliant!

272
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:10,200
And then, as it gets
up to the top...

273
00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:11,400
Wow, it just twisted it!

274
00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:12,600
It twisted it.

275
00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:13,680
Either side.

276
00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:14,800
Either side.

277
00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:17,280
Literally like a couple of fingers
coming in and twisting it.

278
00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:18,480
Yeah.

279
00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:19,920
So, and that's what we've got.

280
00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:24,960
Brilli-a-a-ant!

281
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:29,280
Has he had a drugs test?

282
00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:31,920
In a climate change breakthrough,
Nestle have announced that some

283
00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:34,720
of the wrappers on Quality Street
will soon be recyclable.

284
00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:36,800
The changes to Quality Street
are yet another example

285
00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:39,360
of the modern woke agenda ruining
the traditions of Christmas.

286
00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:44,600
This year, they've even got a man
doing the Queen's Speech.

287
00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:48,160
APPLAUSE

288
00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:50,600
And so to round two,
the Strengthometer of News.

289
00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:55,440
Fingers on buzzers, please, teams.

290
00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:56,840
BUZZER

291
00:14:56,840 --> 00:14:57,840
Yes.

292
00:14:57,840 --> 00:15:00,960
Elon Musk, he made an offer to buy
Twitter but then he said,

293
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:02,960
I'm not doing that,
I made a mistake.

294
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:06,080
And now he's back on board and he's
going to be on Twitter.

295
00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:08,680
And why do you think he had
this change of heart?

296
00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:10,840
Because he realised Twitter was full
of angry, ill-informed

297
00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:12,840
people, like himself.

298
00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:17,200
Is he in the middle of some
sort of court case?

299
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:20,480
He was being sued by Twitter
for pulling out of the deal to buy

300
00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:24,120
it, and one of the possible outcomes
of the case was that he would lose

301
00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:26,960
and be forced to buy it,
so some people are saying,

302
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:30,600
if he buys it now, it works out
much cheaper for him.

303
00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:32,640
Why is the US Democratic Party
worried about this

304
00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:37,920
takeover by Elon Musk?

305
00:15:38,440 --> 00:15:41,800
Is this because Trump would be
allowed back on Twitter?

306
00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:43,720
He said he'd put him
back on Twitter.

307
00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:46,080
Where has the former President been
posting on social media

308
00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:47,880
since he's been off Twitter?

309
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:49,520
He has his own social media network.

310
00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:50,480
Called?

311
00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:55,600
Trumpy.

312
00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:59,680
I thought he was just on Pinterest,
posting inspirational interiors.

313
00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:02,520
He is shouting through the medium
of Truth Social which a journalist

314
00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:04,720
for the Financial Times
described as...

315
00:16:07,880 --> 00:16:12,240
And she's seen Ivo's old MySpace
page, so strong words.

316
00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:16,120
You won't see more dedicated
Kaiser Chiefs fan art anywhere

317
00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:19,960
else on the internet.

318
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:22,200
How did Joe Biden embarrass himself
last week in relation

319
00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:25,880
to congresswoman Jackie Walorski?

320
00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:27,520
I didn't see it.

321
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:29,680
He asked her to stand
up at a rally...

322
00:16:29,680 --> 00:16:30,760
Oh, no.

323
00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:32,040
But unfortunately...

324
00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:33,080
She's in a wheelchair?

325
00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:34,320
Worse.

326
00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:36,840
She struggled to do,
because she's dead.

327
00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:41,120
She's dead?

328
00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:44,520
Mind you, it would have been a coup
if she had have stood up.

329
00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:48,200
He struggles to stand
up and he's alive.

330
00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:51,480
What else has Elon Musk
been trying to solve?

331
00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:54,120
He's been trying to solve
the Ukraine-Russia war,

332
00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:56,920
and there was a bit of a backlash
with people saying, this

333
00:16:56,920 --> 00:16:58,120
isn't helping hugely.

334
00:16:58,120 --> 00:16:59,960
And what did the Ukrainian
ambassador to Germany

335
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:01,600
say in response?

336
00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:04,160
Lock off.

337
00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:08,400
Lock off, yeah.

338
00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:13,680
APPLAUSE

339
00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:16,040
He also said that no
Ukrainians from now on would

340
00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:18,480
ever buy that Tesla...

341
00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:20,520
Electric car.

342
00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:22,720
It was another swearword.

343
00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:28,000
Tesla fuckwagon.

344
00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:33,320
That was it!

345
00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:36,960
You try getting an MOT
on one of them.

346
00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:40,040
This is the news that Elon Musk has
decided he will go ahead

347
00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:41,640
with his plan to buy Twitter.

348
00:17:41,640 --> 00:17:44,680
The BBC reported that the initial
meeting to buy the social media firm

349
00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:47,840
took place at a farm,
and on that farm he agreed to become

350
00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:51,920
Twitter C-E-I-E-I-O.

351
00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:54,800
It's an Apple Old Macdonald.

352
00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:57,840
Dear me!

353
00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:03,040
You sounded like Basil Brush, then.

354
00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:04,760
Fingers on buzzers, teams.

355
00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:08,040
Here's the next one.

356
00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:10,560
BUZZER

357
00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:13,920
The face is familiar.

358
00:18:13,920 --> 00:18:16,800
Yes, this is King Charles,
as we now know him.

359
00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:19,760
Liz Truss says he can't go
to a conference about green issues

360
00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:22,400
and he wanted to go and she said,
you can't go.

361
00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:25,560
King Charles had been going to make
a speech at this climate conference

362
00:18:25,560 --> 00:18:27,960
and there were reports
he was ordered not to go,

363
00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:31,240
but both sides have said,
there is no suggestion of a row.

364
00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:36,480
So there was a row?

365
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:38,920
In other news, Prince William
recently came into possession

366
00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:41,480
of the Duchy of Cornwall estate
formerly owned by his father,

367
00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:44,840
so that includes a garden centre,
some rivers and a tin mine.

368
00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:47,400
Do you know what Prince Charles's
income was from the Duchy

369
00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:48,680
of Cornwall estate?

370
00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:53,960
Must have come close
to the old 45p, mustn't he?

371
00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:57,000
He went and got a better job.

372
00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:59,200
Went and got a better job!

373
00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:02,120
Got up early.

374
00:19:02,120 --> 00:19:04,360
APPLAUSE

375
00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:06,040
His income
from the Duchy of Cornwall

376
00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:07,280
was £21 million a year.

377
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:10,400
He did pay income tax,
but not on the first

378
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:13,120
£23 million of earnings,
and no corporation tax

379
00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:17,720
or capital gains tax.

380
00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:20,120
When he inherited the Queen's
estate, he didn't pay inheritance

381
00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:23,840
tax, but other than that he's just
like you and me.

382
00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:26,240
Do you know when the Coronation
is expected to be?

383
00:19:26,240 --> 00:19:27,280
June third.

384
00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:28,320
June 3rd, 2023.

385
00:19:28,320 --> 00:19:29,760
What else is happening that day?

386
00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:30,840
A horse race.

387
00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:33,720
The FA Cup final.

388
00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:36,600
Players will be competing for this
beauty, and isn't it lovely how

389
00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:40,400
they've adapted it to a likeness
of the King?

390
00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:46,680
This is the news that Liz Truss told
King Charles not to go

391
00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:47,800
to the COP27 climate summit.

392
00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:51,040
The Royals are nervously awaiting
Prince Harry's tell-all memoir.

393
00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:54,360
Andrew, if you're scouring
the index, you're listed under P.

394
00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:57,960
Not Prince, bit higher up.

395
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:01,120
Prince William's recently inherited
Duchy of Cornwall estate includes

396
00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:02,600
a tin mine in Cornwall.

397
00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:06,040
Prince William will be able to sell
any metal produced by the tin mine

398
00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:07,400
thanks to the ancient royal
proclamation,

399
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:10,680
whoever smelt it, dealt it.

400
00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:13,520
Fingers on buzzers, here we go.

401
00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:15,480
BELL

402
00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:16,560
Yes.

403
00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:17,760
Poker.

404
00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:21,080
It's cheating, cheating in games.

405
00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:23,320
The chess man who we did last week,

406
00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:26,480
who had the beads that helped him,
he's been cheating again.

407
00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:28,640
You just want to talk
about anal beads again.

408
00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:33,840
I want to talk about
the Venerable Bede.

409
00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:37,800
And lots of people in other
games have said, no,

410
00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:39,280
we've got a cheat as well.

411
00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:40,640
So there is a poker cheat.

412
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:44,040
I can't believe this
wasn't the opening story.

413
00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:46,040
Presumably the cheating
is above the level of what's

414
00:20:46,040 --> 00:20:48,760
being demonstrated here.

415
00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:52,160
Well, in my view, this woman
is definitely not cheating.

416
00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:55,200
The thing that is hard for non-poker
players to understand about it,

417
00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:58,080
is he went all in and she called.

418
00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:01,280
And how would you know you had
the winning hand with Jack high?

419
00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:03,560
But she didn't really,
because even though her jack

420
00:21:03,560 --> 00:21:06,200
was beating his eight,
he can hit any six, any jack,

421
00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:09,280
any seven, any eight or any club,
so mathematically her hand is ahead.

422
00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:10,800
BUZZER

423
00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:15,440
Is there much more of this?

424
00:21:16,560 --> 00:21:18,440
OK, you are interested
in Quality Street, I'm

425
00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:20,480
interested in this hand.

426
00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:22,840
Well, make the rest of us
interested in it, then.

427
00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:27,520
Imagine you've got an audience
listening to this.

428
00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:30,160
But I think it's interesting
because what people are accusing her

429
00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:32,760
of is having a hidden vibrating
device like the anal beads.

430
00:21:32,760 --> 00:21:33,800
Yes.

431
00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:35,760
And I don't think any of it's true.

432
00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:38,360
I don't think the chess player
did either, I think he

433
00:21:38,360 --> 00:21:39,480
had an earpiece.

434
00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:42,760
But where did he have the ear piece,
that's what everyone wants to know.

435
00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:45,400
Are there any other games it's
spread to, this vibrating cheating?

436
00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:46,440
Snap.

437
00:21:46,440 --> 00:21:48,600
Apparently, Liz Truss used
to cheat at board games

438
00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:49,640
according to her brother.

439
00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:52,880
She must have been
the banker, presumably.

440
00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:54,720
There has been a cheating
allegation somewhere else.

441
00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:56,560
Has it been in the world of fishing?

442
00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:57,680
Yes, it has.

443
00:21:57,680 --> 00:21:59,440
Fishing?

444
00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:04,680
Yeah, a man landed a giant cod
but it was covered in batter.

445
00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:07,960
There were these competitions,
and you can win like $50,000

446
00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:10,560
for catching the heaviest fish,
so this chap just stuffed lead

447
00:22:10,560 --> 00:22:13,960
weights into the fish's mouth.

448
00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:16,560
Shall we have a look
at the moment they were caught?

449
00:22:16,560 --> 00:22:19,280
Go on, then.

450
00:22:21,360 --> 00:22:25,280
Those are pretty big
vibrating beads.

451
00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:29,960
This is the news that the poker
world has been rocked

452
00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:31,080
by accusations of cheating.

453
00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:33,880
A poker player has been accused
of cheating by having a vibrating

454
00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:35,160
device hidden on her body.

455
00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:38,200
It doesn't make sense to me,
if you have a good, strong hand,

456
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:40,040
why would you need a vibrator?

457
00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:42,280
Time now for the missing words
round which features

458
00:22:42,280 --> 00:22:44,720
as its guest publication,
Dr Darts' Newsletter,

459
00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:46,600
the monthly publication bringing
the most up-to-date research

460
00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:48,400
into the history of darts.

461
00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:51,000
And we start with...

462
00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:57,120
Wheelie bin, it's
always a wheelie bin.

463
00:22:57,120 --> 00:22:59,680
Woman spotted on Google Street view
in exactly the same place

464
00:22:59,680 --> 00:23:02,400
she was nine years ago.

465
00:23:02,400 --> 00:23:05,240
What, in her own home?

466
00:23:05,240 --> 00:23:09,040
This picture is 2009 and 2018.

467
00:23:09,040 --> 00:23:10,560
Well, that's a traffic lights.

468
00:23:10,560 --> 00:23:15,120
Where do you want her to be
standing, in the middle of the road?

469
00:23:15,120 --> 00:23:17,800
Next...

470
00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:23,520
Tanked the economy.

471
00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:26,040
Man who took a photograph
of a woman crossing the road

472
00:23:26,040 --> 00:23:29,440
twice in nine years,
did it to prove...

473
00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:31,640
I can't believe that happened.

474
00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:34,680
What's the chances of that happening
twice in nine years?

475
00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:38,160
In the town where she lives.

476
00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:43,160
Next to a shop where
she goes every week.

477
00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:47,920
This is Richard Lee-Wright
who started the London Marathon

478
00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:51,440
by making a mad dash for the front
in order to prove to his friends

479
00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:52,720
he could lead the race.

480
00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:56,760
Let's have a look
at him setting off.

481
00:23:57,240 --> 00:23:59,880
Second is the constant,
reassuring constant over the years,

482
00:23:59,880 --> 00:24:02,280
then surely the London Marathon
is the same as well.

483
00:24:02,280 --> 00:24:06,560
Over 40 years we've come
to enjoy these sights.

484
00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:10,400
It's not Philip Schofield, is it?

485
00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:13,240
He would have joined
the Marathon halfway through.

486
00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:16,200
Next...

487
00:24:17,720 --> 00:24:21,080
The purrfect grade.

488
00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:23,840
Photographed in the
school reunion photo.

489
00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:25,040
That's it!

490
00:24:25,040 --> 00:24:26,720
What do you mean, that's it?

491
00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:30,480
This is Ziggy the cat,
who is a frequent visitor to Drury

492
00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:34,560
Primary School in Fincher.

493
00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:38,040
Here he is in the school photo.

494
00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:39,640
That's nice.

495
00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:43,080
Got an anal bead round its neck.

496
00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:45,600
Next...

497
00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:47,760
Well, it's got to be
eat his own product,

498
00:24:47,760 --> 00:24:49,440
what else is he going to do?

499
00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:51,880
Dog food boss regularly takes
photograph of woman at traffic

500
00:24:51,880 --> 00:24:56,280
lights, but only produces
photographs for the last nine years.

501
00:24:56,280 --> 00:24:59,200
Regularly humps wife's leg.

502
00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:02,400
He must have eaten his own dog food.

503
00:25:05,080 --> 00:25:07,960
The CEO of Mars, Grant Reid, says
he's been sampling the company's

504
00:25:07,960 --> 00:25:09,840
Pedigree Chum for years.

505
00:25:09,840 --> 00:25:11,760
Though occasionally it
gives him an upset stomach,

506
00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:16,440
which is not good news for Mrs Reid,
who has to pick up after him.

507
00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:18,840
Next...

508
00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:25,400
Readership.

509
00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:26,880
Agenda.

510
00:25:26,880 --> 00:25:28,560
A common misconception
about Dr Darts' Newsletter

511
00:25:28,560 --> 00:25:31,680
is that it has a big
misconception attached to it.

512
00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:33,520
Is it board?

513
00:25:33,520 --> 00:25:35,920
I'm going to take board,
because it is to do

514
00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:37,600
with the size of its personnel.

515
00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:41,840
A common misconception...

516
00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:45,280
Just as good as board.

517
00:25:45,280 --> 00:25:50,520
How is board close to
team of research staff?

518
00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:55,080
Is this some sort of Oxford
prejudice coming in here?

519
00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:57,280
Is this because you walked
across the quadrangle together

520
00:25:57,280 --> 00:26:00,560
wearing mortar boards,
tilted at a jaunty angle.

521
00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:04,640
"I'm going to go into
television after doing this."

522
00:26:04,640 --> 00:26:09,240
I'm so flattered you think I was
there at the same time as Victoria!

523
00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:13,640
APPLAUSE

524
00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:16,360
Oh, dear,
that's made my night.

525
00:26:16,360 --> 00:26:19,800
And finally...

526
00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:22,880
Looking bored in sepia photos.

527
00:26:22,880 --> 00:26:26,680
Not if you've got the yellow
bit of Quality Street.

528
00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:29,160
Dance music?

529
00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:30,960
Queen Victoria was a
pioneer of dance music?

530
00:26:30,960 --> 00:26:33,240
Was she, is that right?

531
00:26:33,240 --> 00:26:38,320
This is the news that a cache
of letters written by...

532
00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:43,120
Cach-ay.

533
00:26:43,120 --> 00:26:44,200
No.

534
00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:45,640
Cache.

535
00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:46,600
Cache, really?

536
00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:47,760
Yes, I think so.

537
00:26:47,760 --> 00:26:48,840
I've wasted my time.

538
00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:52,720
Bundle.

539
00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:55,160
This is the news that
a bundle of letters written

540
00:26:55,160 --> 00:26:56,160
by Queen Victoria...

541
00:26:56,160 --> 00:27:01,480
Bund-lay.

542
00:27:02,280 --> 00:27:05,120
Experts believe she may have been
drunk at the time of writing

543
00:27:05,120 --> 00:27:07,080
and used abbreviations similar
to today's text messages.

544
00:27:07,080 --> 00:27:09,520
One of the letters read...

545
00:27:11,600 --> 00:27:16,880
Followed by, aubergine,
aubergine, chair leg.

546
00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:23,600
What on earth are you talking about?

547
00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:31,800
So the final scores are Ian
and Isabel have five,

548
00:27:31,800 --> 00:27:34,560
Paul and Ivo have nine.

549
00:27:34,560 --> 00:27:39,840
APPLAUSE

550
00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:42,640
Before we go, there's just time
for the caption competition.

551
00:27:42,640 --> 00:27:47,360
Scientist explains why he and his
wife sleep in separate beds.

552
00:27:47,360 --> 00:27:51,240
If we take the rectangle on the left
as being nine years ago and the one

553
00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:54,640
on the right as today,
the woman in the middle

554
00:27:54,640 --> 00:27:58,920
is in exactly the same position.

555
00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:04,120
Because she is standing
by traffic lights.

556
00:28:04,840 --> 00:28:07,280
On which note, we say thank
you to our panellists,

557
00:28:07,280 --> 00:28:10,120
Ian Hislop and Isabel Hardman,
Paul Merton and Ivo Graham.

558
00:28:10,120 --> 00:28:12,960
And I leave you with news that
in Somerset, the PR team

559
00:28:12,960 --> 00:28:15,560
for EDF Energy insists
that the new Hinkley C nuclear power

560
00:28:15,560 --> 00:28:18,600
station is perfectly safe.

561
00:28:21,280 --> 00:28:23,960
At Westminster, there is an awkward
silence as Keir Starmer identifies

562
00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:27,560
two big reasons why the electorate
stopped voting Labour.

563
00:28:31,480 --> 00:28:34,200
And at the Radisson Hotel
in Birmingham, it's still a mystery

564
00:28:34,200 --> 00:28:36,120
as to how carbon monoxide
was diverted into

565
00:28:36,120 --> 00:28:39,320
Michael Gove's room.

566
00:28:42,440 --> 00:28:47,760
Goodnight.