And
And just
And just a few words. I'm looking
forward
And just a few words. I'm looking forward to being completely out of
date
forward to being completely out of date and the Chancellor having
resigned
date and the Chancellor having resigned before this areas. Typical
labour,
resigned before this areas. Typical labour, such a low expectation. The
Prime
labour, such a low expectation. The Prime Minister will resign!
This programme contains some strong language
APPLAUSE
Good evening.
Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
I'm Adil Ray.
In the news this week...
At a B&Q in Wembley, staff applaud a woman who has just
spent three hours listening to her husband list the pros
and cons of their entire range of lawnmowers.
A new series of Total Wipeout is rumoured to be in the works
after presenter Richard Hammond is spotted trying out the obstacles.
And at Dover Castle, a seagull spots a dropped chip
at the worst possible moment.
On Ian's team tonight is a writer and broadcaster
who recently quit Pointless, a long-running and popular show
which will now replace him with a series of guest presenters.
That'll never work.
Please welcome Richard Osman.
APPLAUSE
On Paul's team tonight is a Labour MP and opponent of Liz Truss's
economic policies who recently complained about the toilets in
Westminster leaking into her office.
So, no wonder she's against "trickle-down" theory.
Please welcome Jess Phillips.
We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
Ian and Richard, take a look at this.
That's the Prime Minister, at a time of recording.
That's the pound on its way to see the dollar.
Not doing a U-turn.
Kwasi Kwarteng will be in the undergrowth coalition
by Friday morning.
He is there now.
It is not going very well, she has had another very bad week.
The economy has tanked and a lot of people,
I mean obviously not me, have said it is because her and her
Chancellor are useless.
In fact, it's the fault of a number of other
people, it's the OBR and the IRA...
ELO.
I'm going to have to stick up for her.
She said she would get things done quickly.
Didn't waste any time.
If she can tank the economy in seven days, think
what she can do in two years.
Nearly everything announced in the mini Budget is not
going to happen is all the pain and turbulence will be for nothing.
It is about confidence and if the markets,
which I know you don't, but the Conservative Party believes
in markets and you ask the markets what they think and they say you're
useless, you have to think again.
It is interesting the markets themselves have become part
of the anti-growth coalition.
They are famously quite pro-growth.
And you know who has joined now?
The entire Tory party.
Do you think she has a plan?
Is there something we have overlooked?
No.
The fact that you guys are 90,000 points ahead in the polls,
does that not scare them?
They don't seem to have noticed!
It scares me!
We are all scared!
On current polling there would be three Tories left.
Iain Duncan Smith.
So her right-hand man I guess is Kwasi Kwarteng at the moment.
What has he been doing this?
He has met the IMF.
He has dissed the OBR.
Did you hear his speech in the Commons, did you hear how
many times he said the OBR?
For someone who doesn't want to meet the OBR,
he speaks to them a lot.
I speak to investors regularly about this.
The OBR...
I notice in that clip the man to his left seem to be operating him
with his pen on the end of his nose.
The man in the corner, look.
APPLAUSE
Jacob Rees-Mogg, he has been quite loyal
throughout this, hasn't he?
But he wasn't happy with the BBC this week.
I think he was very upset, as a lot of us, that Richey
was voted off Strictly Come Dancing.
Rishi was on?
He can't stay in anything, can he?
He accused the broadcaster of breaking impartiality rules
after he stated that .
The Business Secretary went on to suggest that the fault
was with the Bank of England.
Here is Gillian Tett, the US editor of the Financial Times,
giving a nuanced approach to Jacob Rees-Mogg's claims
in an interview with Channel 4 News.
Can you just give us your verdict on that?
Well, to use non-technical term, that's pretty much bollocks.
APPLAUSE
I mean, accusing the BBC of being impartial.
Nadine Dorries came out and said this Government
is lurching to the right.
That's the equivalent of being attacked by Attila the Hun.
Have a look at this sinister bit of political censorship
on the BBC this week, this is extraordinary.
Talking of pushing the boundaries with the BBC, it is something
you guys do week in and week out on Have I Got News for You.
Are you surprised with what you can get away with sometimes.
INAUDIBLE.
OK.
APPLAUSE
What were you saying?
I was saying...
There are a number of rebels making trouble for Liz Truss.
Nadine Dorries has been writing in the Mail,
what has she been writing about?
Boris Johnson, she's always on about Boris Johnson.
What are you suggesting?
I am suggesting she loves Boris Johnson.
How much?
Loads.
Nadine Dorries has been writing in the Mail wishing for a Boris
comeback although it's extremely unlikely, she said.
I am sure he is very busy doing his surgeries and talking
about the problems in Uxbridge.
I'm sure his constituents are being incredibly well served by him.
Absolutely.
CROWD: No, we're not!
APPLAUSE
Back to energy, you'd think people might appreciate
some Government advice on how to save energy.
Why won't there be any?
Because there is no Government.
That is one half of it.
There was a U-turn.
Liz Truss blocked a Government advertising campaign masterminded
by Jacob Rees-Mogg advising people on how to save on energy
on the grounds that it was too interventionist.
I'm struggling with the phrase masterminded by Jacob Rees-Mogg.
This thing about Government advice, do you think we should go as far
as having public information films right now?
I used to love them.
I mean, I have never climbed an electricity pylon.
And it'd be easier for me than most people.
Would you like to see a public information film?
Let's have a look at this one.
This Christmas, with less energy available, we must provide
for essential services and hospitals who will be at risk.
We can save most by heating one room only.
So cut down at Christmas.
Ho-ho-ho.
Do you remember much about this?
Ian would have gone through this, one of the wings of his castle...
Make sure you don't fall in the moat.
Where is the drawbridge, daddy?
Nicola Sturgeon keeps banging on about another
independence referendum.
Let it go, Nicola.
But why is she in trouble this week?
She said she despises the Tories.
She said...
That is a terrible thing to say, you wouldn't say that?
I don't detest them all.
I detest some of them.
What about Therese Coffey?
Tory women all have shortened versions of their names
and so when I realised this, I want one, but mine would be Jizz.
So this is another volatile week for Liz Truss's Government with more
with more screeching U-turns.
Liz Truss warned the public this week...
There will be one, come the next election.
After
After Trade Minister Conor Burns was
sacked
After Trade Minister Conor Burns was sacked for allegedly groping a
younger
sacked for allegedly groping a younger man, he was replaced by...
It
younger man, he was replaced by... It was --
Well, it was either him or Bob Arsetickler.
According to the Mail, the Prime Minister got a mixed
reception as she tried to rally MPs behind her plans
in a private meeting.
One attendee said:
You laugh now but come December it's how we'll be
cooking our Christmas potato.
Paul and Jess, have a look at this.
yes,
yes, that's Katie Boyle back in the
60s,
yes, that's Katie Boyle back in the 60s, Eurovision Song Contest,
Ukraine
60s, Eurovision Song Contest, Ukraine are the winners and United
Kingdom
Ukraine are the winners and United Kingdom came second last year so
they
Kingdom came second last year so they were very happy. That's the
Chancellor
they were very happy. That's the Chancellor of the Exchequer and the
people
Chancellor of the Exchequer and the people of Liverpool, very pleased
they
people of Liverpool, very pleased they won the chance to host the
Eurovision
they won the chance to host the Eurovision Song Contest. Ukraine one
earlier
Eurovision Song Contest. Ukraine one earlier this year but for reasons
that
earlier this year but for reasons that are obviously won't be holding
the
that are obviously won't be holding the event next year so Liverpool
have
the event next year so Liverpool have won. How did we find out that
Liverpool
have won. How did we find out that Liverpool the hosts? It was
announced.
Liverpool the hosts? It was announced. Yes, it was announced.
APPLAUSE
Some
APPLAUSE Some of us watch TV, some others
read
Some of us watch TV, some others read it on the papers or the
Internet.
read it on the papers or the Internet. Different for different
people.
Internet. Different for different people. We are now going to go
through
people. We are now going to go through the entire audience, yes,
how
through the entire audience, yes, how did you find out? I just found
out
how did you find out? I just found out this minute. It was announced by
Graham
out this minute. It was announced by Graham Norton and here he is, but
some
Graham Norton and here he is, but some eagle eyed viewers pointed out
that
some eagle eyed viewers pointed out that Graham Norton ruin the surprise
is
that Graham Norton ruin the surprise is the card he was holding had this
written
is the card he was holding had this written on it. I mean, I would
rather
written on it. I mean, I would rather Ukraine hosting it but given
they
rather Ukraine hosting it but given they are not it is exciting we are
hosting
they are not it is exciting we are hosting it. Do you think we will get
some
hosting it. Do you think we will get some right back to do our song this
year?
some right back to do our song this year? Oh, yes. Richard, have you
seen
year? Oh, yes. Richard, have you seen this programme before? He has
never
seen this programme before? He has never heard of Vera Lynn. I did the
UK
never heard of Vera Lynn. I did the UK votes once for Eurovision, the
single
UK votes once for Eurovision, the single best thing I have ever done
in
single best thing I have ever done in television. 12 points, go to
Georgia.
in television. 12 points, go to Georgia. Was she singing? On the
subject
Georgia. Was she singing? On the subject of Ukraine, it was Vladimir
Putin's
subject of Ukraine, it was Vladimir Putin's 70th birthday last week. He
doesn't
Putin's 70th birthday last week. He doesn't look 70. He looks good. I
wouldn't
doesn't look 70. He looks good. I wouldn't say good. On Saturday an
explosion
wouldn't say good. On Saturday an explosion on the bridge that
connects
explosion on the bridge that connects Russia to the illegally
annexed
connects Russia to the illegally annexed Crimea caused it to
collapse.
annexed Crimea caused it to collapse. All of the Ukrainian
Government
collapse. All of the Ukrainian Government haven't officially taken
responsibility
Government haven't officially taken responsibility but there were a few
clues
responsibility but there were a few clues that they may have been behind
it.
UN
UN posted
UN posted footage of Marilyn Monroe
singing
UN posted footage of Marilyn Monroe singing happy birthday, Mr
President.
singing happy birthday, Mr President. The Ukrainian government
tweeted,
President. The Ukrainian government tweeted, sick burn. They tweeted a
commemoratives
tweeted, sick burn. They tweeted a commemoratives damp with this
design.
commemoratives damp with this design. Why else wasn't it a very
fun
design. Why else wasn't it a very fun birthday for Vladimir Putin? Did
he
fun birthday for Vladimir Putin? Did he want Glasgow to win Eurovision?
He
he want Glasgow to win Eurovision? He had to call off his official
birthday
He had to call off his official birthday celebration but luckily for
Putin
birthday celebration but luckily for Putin and his friends cheered him up
with
Putin and his friends cheered him up with some messages and gifts. What
did
with some messages and gifts. What did Putin get from Belarus leader
Alexander
did Putin get from Belarus leader Alexander Lukashenko? He got a
tractor.
Alexander Lukashenko? He got a tractor. He did get a voucher for a
tractor
tractor. He did get a voucher for a tractor and there it is. That is the
entire
tractor and there it is. That is the entire Belarus army.
What was his gift from the president of Tajikistan?
I'm the only one who took an interest in this.
Go on.
He was given a pyramid of melons.
Let's have a look.
I mean, that's why you'd rather have a voucher.
This is the announcement that the Eurovision Song Contest
will be held on behalf of Ukraine in the city of Liverpool.
The bridge linking Russia to Crimea was wrecked by an explosion the day
after Putin's 70th birthday.
According to the Mirror, the blast set fire to seven oil tankers.
And try as he might, the birthday boy couldn't blow them out.
And so to round two, The Jigsaw of News.
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
We've got a new king.
We have got a new king.
Say what?
Yeah.
But what's the story specifically?
It's the coronation.
The coronation of the King next May, but essentially they are not
coinciding with the FA Cup final.
Yes, this is the devastating news that King Charles's coronation
might not be an extra bank holiday.
Oh.
It will take place on the 6th of May, a Saturday.
Some noted this might be in order to avoid any more damaging
effect on the economy.
King Charles must have thought, it's going to be a tough
month or so for me.
I'm following up someone who is extraordinary.
When he meets Liz Truss he must say thank lock for you.
He actually said something not quite as expletive,
but pretty much as good.
Have you got the footage?
Yes, we have.
The Prime Minister, your Majesty.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
He said, you're back again, presuming that after a week
she would have gone.
I think in everyone's defence, he is saying, dear, oh dear,
because they are on TV, and he's like, this
is a bit weird, isn't it. Yeah.
I think is what he's saying.
Richard Osman will be back.
At the coronation, what does Charles want at his ceremony
At the coronation, what does Charles want at his ceremony?
What did he ask for?
Is it me? Oh my goodness.
Is it me?! Wow.
I think he's just going to have a voucher.
According to the Mail, Charles has an instinctive aversion
to pomp in the wrong circumstances.
Do you get those kind of aversions, Paul?
No, I've managed to fight them off over the years.
There is a row about the crown. There is a row about the crown.
Tell us about the row the crown.
Well, I think it's gone downhill in season four.
The Koh-i-Noor Diamond.
The Koh-i-Noor Diamond, what is the row about?
It's only on the crown that Camilla is going to wear.
It's something you could probably get rid of, and most
people would be happy.
And various other governments say it's theirs.
The Indian government, Iranian government.
There's a whole lot of other people, due to its history saying,
this isn't even British. Yeah.
So in fact she is wearing a crown from a Christmas cracker...
What BBC show is Prince Charles set to appear on?
The Repair Shop. Yes.
The Repair Shop, he's taking in Prince Andrew's reputation to see
what they can do about it.
MIMICS KING CHARLES: It's been in the family for years.
The items he's bringing for repair are...
God, he's not had it very long, has he?
This is the news that Charles and Camilla have decided on the date
set for their coronation.
Also this week, an antique chair sold for a world
record £40.4 million.
But it's still safer than most Conservative seats.
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
Here comes the next one.
This is the full English breakfast, which an academic this week has
said isn't very English, and most of the constituents in it
don't come from England.
And that's what they study now at university.
Why is someone not doing a study into the fact that people might have
sourdough toast with a fry-up, which is the worst thing in the world.
What's wrong with sourdough?
Just because it rips your mouth apart and it's not
as good as real toast.
What is your problem with anybody else having sourdough toast?
Yeah, fascist!
Yes, I will take that.
I will take it.
Where exactly is English breakfast from, then?
A Cambridge academic, Doctor Ha-Joon Chang,
claims in a new book that the breakfast can't be labelled
English because the bacon is Danish. Yes.
And the eggs could be from anywhere.
Well, they're from chickens, probably.
He's got more bad news.
Doctor Chang says fish and chips is not English either.
According to him, that dish came to Britain from Spain or Portugal.
Yeah, but it doesn't come from there every day, does it?
What about Welsh rarebit? Scotch egg?
Irish stew.
Lancashire hot pot. Lancashire hot pot.
Where's that from? The Lebanon?
And what about the traditional Christmas dinner?
What does he say about that?
This bloke's a right miserable sod, isn't he?
Chang told the Radio Times...
Cor.
And the gravy's from the moon.
Who is listening to this? Who is listening to this bloke for?
Also, it isn't the individual parts, it's the ensemble.
Exactly. Using a good English word.
Yeah. English ensemble.
I'll go around his house and stick a Cumberland
sausage up his letterbox.
Where does that come from, mate?
OK, sticking with breakfast, what new and exciting condiment has
recently been released?
Do you release condiments?
Go, the world is yours!
It is eggchup.
GROANS OF DISGUST.
Oh, yes.
Here it is.
Squeezable runny egg yolk.
Ugh.
How has this section of the show being the most traumatic?
Let's have a look at eggchup on a sandwich.
GROANS OF DISGUST.
Look at that.
No, no, no.
Looks lovely.
At least it's not sourdough.
JESS: That's not a yolk colour.
Yeah, that looks kind of reddy.
You're looking at the wrong bit.
Is it the moat around the bap castle?
It's, yes, it's the moat.
Then what the hell is that stuff, then?
That's beanchup.
RICHARD GASPS.
I don't care what it's been, what is it now?
This is the news that a sausage manufacturer in Yorkshire has
released some new flavoured ketchups, including eggchup.
Described as...
Very handy.
You can just pick it up and squirt it directly onto your shirt.
Time now for the Odd One Out round.
Just one between you this week.
Your four are...
Diane Abbott. Worcestershire County Council.
Wigan athletic Football Club. And Spinal Tap's Nigel Tufnel.
Nigel Tufnel famously has an amp that goes up to 11.
Diane Abbott, there was some mocking for counting nonsense.
Worcestershire County Council, there is a count in that.
Is it something to do...
He's right, he's right. He's got there.
That's one of the worst answers we've ever had.
Thank you, thank you very much.
Worcestershire County Council have failed to count something.
They've failed in something.
What have they failed at?
There's 11 players on a football team.
Yes, that's right. So that's 11.
Is it something to do with that?
Did they miscount to 11?
ADIL SIGHS. It's a good guess, though, isn't it?
It's not. Let me tell you.
It's not.
They have all made a mathematical miscalculation except for
Worcestershire County Council, who have made a spelling error.
We hope it's Worcestershire and not County.
Oh, no.
It wasn't County.
Did they misspell Worcestershire? They must have done.
No. Council then?
That's the only other word we've mentioned out of the three.
Worcestershire County Council don't just go round just only writing down
the words Worcestershire County Council.
Oh, I see.
There are other words available for use by
Worcestershire County Council.
Inside knowledge. I'm going to go for Birmingham.
Did they spell that wrong?
I think Jess might have hit the bull's-eye.
On a new road sign on the A448 they made this obvious error.
Let's have a look.
Oh, my God.
Is this not a new sort of positive campaign.
From now on it's Brimingham! It's Brimingham!
Despite the error, local papers reported
that many drivers found it
hard to notice the misspelling when driving past.
Because the speed limit sign had been misprinted
as 200 instead of 20.
Former Shadow Home Secretary Diane Abbott famously miscalculated police
salaries in the run-up to the 2017 election, but what miscalculation
put Wigan Athletic in trouble this week?
Didn't they put 12 players on the pitch?
No.
Did they put 13 players on the pitch?
The goals were the wrong size?
The goals were the wrong size. Yes, exactly that.
They were hosting a game against Cardiff City in which it
turns out the crossbar of one goal was two inches too tall.
They lost the match with Cardiff scoring two in the illegal goal,
including one that would have bounced off the crossbar
if it weren't too tall.
That can't be right because it would have bounced off the crossbar
if it wasn't too tall. Well...
The crossbar's lower, so the ball is higher.
I think... I don't care!
Just leave me alone.
How did Spinal Tap guitarist Nigel Tufnel once make
a catastrophic mathematical error?
With Stonehenge. Yes, what did he do?
He put inches instead of feet on the stage design,
so when Spinal Tap turned up, Stonehenge was this big.
Let's have a look at the moment.
LAUGHTER.
Time now for the missing words around.
This week features as its guest publication,
Irish Naturist Association Newsletter.
I buy it for the craic.
And we start with...
Is it from the Irish naturist thing, and is it the crack of dawn?
Yeah, that's a cracker.
It's not the crack of dawn, but it would have been a good one.
When the clock strikes 12 the place to be is the Ring of Kerry.
When the clock strikes 12 the place to be is the Happy Nude Year Party.
Nudists love a New Year's Eve fireworks display.
For a few minute it solves the embarrassing
question of where to look.
Judy Murray?
It's going to be a face of something.
The face of Elvis.
The face of Charlton Heston.
Paddington.
You're more in the same area with Paddington.
Rupert Bear.
Yeah, you're more...
Rupert Murdoch.
Winnie the Pooh.
Michael Gove. Jacob Rees-Mogg.
Shrek.
Yes!
Woman spots the face of Shrek in her curry.
This week, Lisa from Enfield found the face of Shrek
in her plate of green curry.
Here it is.
Lisa keeps seeing faces in her food.
She looked at the curry's accompanying bread,
and all she could see was her nan.
GROANS.
Make sure that you're wearing clothes.
You're almost there.
The most important thing to remember about the Irish naturist pub quiz
in Cork is clothing is optional.
That can't be right. Yes.
I've seen weirder things in Cork. Have you?
Than people doing a pub quiz naked.
I'm trying to think of anything weirder than doing a pub quiz naked.
And I'm trying to think of a format I can sell to the BBC.
APPLAUSE.
Yes, you can call it Pantless.
The final scores are, Ian and Richard, five.
Paul and Jess, six.
Well done.
On which note we say thank you to our panellists,
Ian Hislop and Richard Osman, Paul Merton and Jess Phillips.
And I leave you with news that Downing Street confirmed that over
the next few months Liz Truss hopes to meet all the major
world leaders in person.
Oh dear, oh dear.
In Norfolk, as energy prices continue to rise,
locals move to a new residence to ensure a regular
supply of warm gas.
And at Jacob Rees-Mogg's town house in London, the hunt continues
after his youngest member of staff goes missing.
Good night.
APPLAUSE.