This program me contains some strong language.
Good evening.
Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
I'm Steph McGovern.
In the news this week...
In Kent, late for the school run, Bradley Wiggins
In London, at a matinee performance of Magic Mike XXL,
dancers report
being put off by two women on a leaving do in the front row.
At a coffee morning in Yorkshire, a man
reacts badly to the news that they've run out of custard creams.
And at the end of a tough few days in
Westminster, Jeremy Hunt celebrates retaining
his job as Chancellor with
a relaxing evening at his localTGl Friday's.
On Ian's team tonight is a mathematician who presented
an episode of Horizon entitled "Ten things you need to know
about the future".
Thanks, but I think at the moment, we'll just try and get
through one day at a time.
Please welcome Professor Hannah Fry!
On Paul's team tonight is a Scottish comedian who is visually impaired,
which means that he's just about the only person
in Glasgow who you can't greet with the words "See you, jimmy".
Please welcome Jamie MacDonald.
We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
Ian and Hannah, take a look at this.
That is Liz Truss leaving. She's very happy.
Not as happy as us.
This week's Prime Minister.
Yeah, five minutes, I've got.
Jacob Rees-Mogg, no entry, we are not even thinking about it.
Rishi has heard that Boris's interior designer is free.
Quite a visual show.
Yes, it's visual.
So we've got another Prime Minister.
Ancl I think this program me goes out in time for that to be
an accurate statement.
Which is a nice change for us.
I noticed that the Queen, the longest reigning monarch,
coincided with the shortest Prime Minister term.
Ancl if every Prime Minister under the Queen had lasted the same length
of time as Liz Truss, she would have had
560 prime ministers.
Which means in the end, we all would have had a go.
Would you like to see Rishi's moment of triumph?
Yes!
Watch how enthusiastically he thanks all those people
who mean so much to him, and Matt Hancock.
What a snob!
I think Matt Hancock was expecting a grope, at least!
Yet another PM that has been to Oxford.
He was Oxford, Liz Truss, Oxford, Boris Johnson, Oxford.
David Cameron.
Oxford.
What are you saying?
What is it about Oxford that produces an endless list of bozos
becoming Prime Minister?
An endless list of bozos.
Did you hear how Keir Starmer greeted him?
He congratulated him, didn't he?
He said in Rishi Sunak's first Prime Minister's Question Time:
I do wonder if that lettuce is still going.
They should do a winner stays on with Rishi.
Truss must be off salads for life.
How did Rishi Sunak try to distance himself from Liz Truss?
By saying that there were lots of mistakes that had been
made, but he was going to fix them?
He said he was here to fix her well-intentioned mistakes.
He is just taking the...
Sorry.
And one of the first things he did was show some respect to Scotland.
He rang Nicola Sturgeon and said "Hello, is that Nicola?
You're not getting a referendum".
What did you think, by the way?
Because obviously, Rishi rang Nicola Sturgeon.
Liz Truss didn't.
I don't know if Liz knew how to use a phone.
She was only in office for 45 days, which isn't even enough time to get
a broadband appointment.
So I strongly suspect that the reason she was doing
all of this was because she just didn't have any internet
access to the news.
Rishi is quite a lot different from Liz Truss,
although they apparently share the same programmer.
Have a look at this.
Ancl I will work clay in, clay out to deliver for the British people.
What did Rishi Sunak enter Downing Street without?
A mandate.
He went in without his wife.
Boris Johnson did that repeatedly!
Is it because he tried to explain to her what a flat
was and she was not having any of it?
The big Boris bounce-back didn't happen.
Why did he withdraw if he had enough MPs to nominate him?
He interrupted a holiday in the Caribbean to come back
to announce that this wasn't the right time for him
to be Prime Minister.
Who got into trouble for laughing about it?
A BBC presenter, wasn't it?
She was taken off the air for being gleeful about it.
I think gleeful is actually quite a balanced response.
Ecstatic might be the correct response.
The BBC's Martine Croxall on the BBC's late night newspaper
review, here she is not long after the news of Boris's
withdrawal broke.
Well, this is all very exciting, isn't it?
Hello and welcome to our look ahead to what the papers will be
bringing us tomorrow.
Am I allowed to be this gleeful? Well, I am.
APPLAUSE.
How did Boris's hard-working team take it?
They were quite cross, because he didn't tell a lot of them.
The Politico website quoted one staffer saying...
Was that his wife?
What about the new Cabinet?
Is it:
Or the same old rubbish?
Gove is back, Raab is back.
I thought it was quite nice for him to find a seat around
the table for Dominic Raab.
Like the one in the corner with the colouring pencils.
I think it is difficult announcing a Cabinet of all the talents
when you have none to draw on.
But there is no Rees-Mogg there, so we have to count
the small blessings.
APPLAUSE.
He has gone back to haunting Ebenezer Scrooge.
He resigned shortly before he was sacked.
We've got his resignation letter here.
It's written in Latin, an extract from the Bible.
What do Liz Truss and Boris johns on get now?
150 grand a year.
She still gets an Honours list, though.
The only people who have done her some great service
are her removal men.
They are both entitled to £115,000 in parachute payments to help them
adjust to normal life.
We still haven't heard the outcome of Boris Johnson's hon ours list.
He tried to give hon ours to his friends, and Liz Truss
can't really do that because she doesn't have any.
So we still don't know if we'll see Lady Nadine or not,
but what has she been up to this week?
She took over from Piers Morgan's TV show and it didn't go well.
Nadine Dorries has been sitting in for Piers Morgan's
smash hit Talk TV show, Piers Morgan Unwatched.
Oh, I think that's very unfair.
Right, let's see how she did.
Welcome to Piers Morgan Uncensored.
Corning up on tonight's program me, a man who is going to
clear up a woman's mess.
That is Rishi's vow as he enters Number Ten.
And the big beasts they...
Sorry, I just completely messed up.
At least she's a better presenter than she is a politician.
Right, this is the news that Rishi Sunak is this
week's Prime Minister.
Here is Rishi outside the door of Number Ten.
Not only is he the first British Asian Prime Minister,
he is the first that can go in through the cat flap.
Jacob Rees-Mogg dated his resignation letter St Crispin's Day,
which is apt because:
St
Crispin
if
the
patron
saint
of
St Crispin is the patron saint of cobblers.
What's going on here, Paul and Jamie?
Should I describe what is happening?
I could have a guess.
Yeah.
I don't know, it's either Vladimir Putin or China.
Is it both?
I will give you a clue, it's about the Ford Fiesta not
being produced any more.
Oh!
Xijinping just bought one, didn't he?
He just bought one.
The Ford Fiesta is no longer being produced.
Yeah, this is the news that after 46 years,
Ford are scrapping the Fiesta.
Who is really upset about it?
The Ford Fiesta Appreciation Club, the FFAP.
The RNIB.
You're not far off.
The Sun's motoring correspondent Rob Gill was particularly upset.
He wrote this in an article.
A car that is easier to park with a pleasant,
airy interior with somewhere for maps and books and with the back
seat folded down, even somewhere for the kitchen sink.
Who is this and what did he have to say about the Ford Fiesta this week?
Vladimir Putin?
Yeah, Vladimir Putin.
Spot on.
That is George Williams.
It's Nick Mills.
Oh.
Yeah, the well-known George Williams lookalike.
It's Nick Mills and according to the Sun, he is the UK's
premier Fiesta expert.
Sky News describes the Fiesta as a British icon.
But just how British is it?
Fiesta is a Spanish word, isn't it?
Ford is an American word.
The chair was invented in China.
Yeah.
People were standing up for thousands of years,
or sitting on the ground.
And somebody said, "There's got to be a happy medium".
As the Guardian revealed:
I thought it was named after a porn mag.
I thought I recognised your face.
It wasn't my face you were looking at, was it?
I was trying to be polite.
In other motor-related news, how are white van men changing?
They are getting more into young and healthy eating.
You're right, the white van man stereotype is changing,
with reports that 20%:
Ian, what would you eat if you
were a white van driver?
There's a marvellous bar, isn't there, called a Yorkie.
Have you ever had a fry-up?
Oh, yes.
No.
This is the news that after 46 years, Ford have
scrapped the Fiesta.
Ford Fiesta is officially the country's
favourite car, apart from the Uber that took Liz Truss away
from Downing Street.
Right, we move on to round number two, the picture spin quiz.
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
Sorry, Jamie.
Vladimir Putin again.
Here is the first one.
Prince Harry is releasing his memoir, and it's called Spare.
Yeah.
And I think it's because he really loves bowling.
Yeah, this is the news that Prince Harry has got someone
to write a book for him.
I think this makes him the only person now to have authored more
books than he's read.
Ooh, that's a bit harsh.
It was, I take it back, sorry.
What is he going to include in the book?
Apparently, it's an upbeat version of his life so far,
celebrating the role of the monarchy, his happy marriage.
It's a real feel-good book.
At the press launch for the book, Harry said:
Hopefully, he also includes the story about how he nearly
drowned when he was wallowing in his own self-pity.
You said I was harsh!
Right, in other royal news, why is the House of
Lords poking its nose into Charles' business?
This is over who takes over.
If Charles is ill, or away, and at the moment, it's Harry and
Prince Andrew, which is obviously not entirely satisfactory.
What do you mean, if King Charles is away?
If there is official business to do, like waving...
Should do what Saddam Hussein used to do.
Just get a load of lookalikes.
That boy was opening eight community centres
simultaneously!
According to the BBC the issue was brought up in the
House of Lords as an historic first after being...
Which is quite a moment, I guess, to hear from
a talking biscuit!
LAUGHTER
Yeah!
My favourite joke of the show so far!
Who are the five Royal stand-ins and
why are they a problem?
Alan Titch marsh...
Phil and Holly.
LAUGHTER
They queued up to get that job!
Camilla, William and Beatrice, are three of them, but obviously
the big issue is the other two, Andrew and
Harry.
What unfortunate incident befell one of Charles' Royal
standins?
Is this the Madame Tussauds story?
Yes, Charles' waxwork in Madame Tussauds was
targeted by climate change protesters.
Let's have a look.
You still goes to look at waxworks?
I always think that, because there is always a
massive queue outside it.
They are not real people.
Them stock-taking.
Just Stop Oil are now into their 26th day of civil unrest.
It's not going that well, especially compared to the
success of just Stop Gas, which Vladimir Putin managed to do
in just five minutes.
Fingers on buzzers, here is the next one.
BUZZER
Joe Biden has announced that he's going to run
again for president, although he can barely walk
but he is going to run again, which will make him
quite old.
The alternative might be rather grimmer than that.
How has Biden been trying to downplay doubts
about his age?
Joined a basketball team.
Yes, as a mascot!
Has he sort of been doing press ups?
The Washington Post noted that the US president was
trying to show that he was still with it by engaging in public
displays of outdoor activities.
Mentally he's still sharp as a tack.
We start off with two words, made in America!
LAUGHTER
Oh, clear!
Biden said that voters were right to be concerned about his
health, adding that he could...
I have heard better campaign slogans!
Vote for me today!
APPLAUSE
I'm distracted by the sound of paper burning.
It's only those crisps.
I can hear that rustling as well.
Someone's got a bag of Maltesers their pocket.
Finally, an audio round.
The question is, what flavour crisps are they?
Time now for the Odd One Out Round.
Just one between you this week.
Alan Titch marsh . Boris Becker.
David Dimbleby, and Macbeth.
BUZZER
OK, so Boris Becker is in jail.
Tax evasion.
So he has not got his job.
Is it to do with who has got his job?
Is it about murdering all the people in front of you in line
to the throne?
Who has David Dimbleby murdered?!
I will give you a clue. It is quiet around their house.
David Dimbleby said he didn't have many friends.
Oh, yeah.
Of course, Macbeth didn't have many friends at all.
Boris Becker has got one friend who he is sharing a cell with.
And Aka“ “tchmarsh has got no {fiends
at all apart from a plant called Bert.
Isn't Alan Titchmarsh friends with Charles?
The odd one out is undoubtedly Alan Titchmarsh.
Sorry, I meant David Dimbleby.
It is Boris Becker.
They have all lost friends except Boris Becker, who is making
friends in prison.
Is that what they call it these clays?
He has started doing yoga, hasn't he?
Yeah.
Is that what they call it these clays?!
The former world number one has been instructing other prisoners in yoga.
Something like a long stretch, isn't it?
What else can Boris Becker teach his fellow inmates?
Tax returns, how to have sex in a cupboard!
According to the Times Boris is also sharing his
knowledge on crisis management.
What other surprising feature does Boris
Becker's prison have?
It has got a nice restaurant.
How do you know? Been in a few times!
Along with a fitness centre, it also has
a climbing wall.
Or as most inmates call it, the perimeter fence!
What does David Dimbleby give as his reason for having
not had any friends?
He's not very good at small talk.
I think he said.
He told the Times, I'm not very good at chat.
If you meet someone, he says, yes, you,
the man in the jumper.
It is because he told the Times I'm not very good
Who is Alan Titchmarsh worried about losing as a friend?
Charles.
This week the celebrity gardener has revealed he
is worried about his friendship with King Charles.
Alan told the Times...
He is king now.
Do you think Charles views this relationship in the same way
as Alan Titch marsh?!
"Oh my god, it's fucking Titchmarsh!"
What was Alan Titchmarsh's last and possibly
final encounter with King Charles?
Was he on the bus during the jubilee?
The night before the Queen passed away the Express described
the pair as having had...
After which according to Alan Titchmarsh
Charles entertained guests by...
That is actually him calling the guards to get him out!
A signal.
I bet the piper wasn't very welcome.
"Just chuck the bugger out!"
"Chuck him out!"
Though I think he should a stand in!
I have been approached!
They have all lost friends except Boris Becker, who is said to be
making friends by teaching yoga to fellow inmates.
Macbeth has given us many memorable lines including...
Most recently seen in a WhatsApp group of Boris Johnson supporters.
Time now for the missing words round, which this week features,
as its guest publication...
The quarterly magazine of the Campaign for Real Ale.
Or as the magazine subscribers call it, "the usual".
To start with, we would like to apologise to our members
for failing to what?
For failing to apologise to our members in the last issue, which was
the apology issue but unfortunately the printers missed out the word
apology, so the word apology was not there but we would like to apologise
It would have been some time before we get that, wouldn't it?
The term real ale event covers a lot of
things from sampling some local ales at a Dorset festival
to your mate Terry soiling himself in a Wetherspoons.
Are you suggesting that Ian has a mate called Terry?
Yeah, me and him down Spoons.
Have you ever been in one?
Of course I have.
What sort of person do you think Ian is?
Have you ever had a fight?
Have you ever been in a pub?
But his answers are always no.
I was in a Spoons the other night.
What did you drink?
Next: Tupperware is, but it will cost you
freezer space.
What can you buy?
Yeah, and your mental health.
Who is going to buy designer trainers for a horse?
Here they are.
This is the news that a shop called Horse Kicks
will sell you designer trainers for your horse and not,
as you might have assumed, Ketamine.
Aren't you going to ask Ian if he has ever
tried Ketamine?
Ian, have you ever tried Ketamine?
Yes, I have.
What happened?
He slept through one Prime Minister!
Next:
Masturbate furiously.
It's like a blur.
Says happy and excited archbishop.
I'm not saying which one.
I thought it was to attract seagulls.
Oh.
I still think that masturbating furiously
should have got a bigger laugh.
Quite disappointed.
I expected to get a hand, anyway.
I got a groan, it's getting worse. I had better leave it alone.
Is that what your mum said to you?
She said, leave it alone otherwise you will go...
Doesn't matter.
And finally:
Chip hand man masturbating furiously.
Is it normal-looking firemen with their clothes on?
Oh, that's nice.
This is a car park representing the month of March.
Now, I would show you April, but unfortunately,
the photo was taken at the peak of the dogging season.
Here's another question for Ian.
I will answer for him - we prefer not to talk about it.
So, the final scores are, Ian and Hannah have five.
Paul and Jamie have seven.
Well clone.
Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
Ian and Hannah, you've got this.
That's two clowns that aren't in government.
Don't look now, but Jacob Rees-Mogg has just walked in.
Has he? Yeah.
Sorry, that's the caption.
Paul and Jamie get this.
Somebody's whispered in Joe Biden's ear.
"That's not a urinal, Joe".
"Apparently, there is something you can have implanted
in your hand".
On which note, we say thank you to our panel lists,
Ian Hislop and Hannah Fry, Paul Merton and Jamie MacDonald.
I leave you with news that in the Downing Street garden,
Rishi Sunak begins to regret giving
Therese Coffey the role of Environment Secretary.
More disappointment for Kwasi Kwarteng
after he decided to ignore his architect's advice
and design his new house himself.
And the intensity of the new BMW heated seats takes
one man by surprise as he starts to feel his buttock implants melting.
Good night.
APPLAUSE