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This program me contains
some strong language.
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Good evening.
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Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
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I'm Steph McGovern.
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In the news this week...
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In Kent, late for the school
run, Bradley Wiggins
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In London, at a matinee
performance of Magic Mike XXL,
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dancers report
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being put off by two women
on a leaving do in the front row.
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At a coffee morning
in Yorkshire, a man
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reacts badly to the news that
they've run out of custard creams.
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And at the end of
a tough few days in
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Westminster, Jeremy Hunt
celebrates retaining
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his job as Chancellor
with
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a relaxing evening at his
localTGl Friday's.
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On Ian's team tonight
is a mathematician who presented
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an episode of Horizon entitled "Ten
things you need to know
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about the future".
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Thanks, but I think at the moment,
we'll just try and get
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through one day at a time.
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Please welcome Professor Hannah Fry!
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On Paul's team tonight is a Scottish
comedian who is visually impaired,
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which means that he's just
about the only person
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in Glasgow who you can't greet
with the words "See you, jimmy".
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Please welcome Jamie MacDonald.
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We begin with the bigger news
stories of the week.
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Ian and Hannah, take a look at this.
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That is Liz Truss leaving.
She's very happy.
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Not as happy as us.
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This week's Prime Minister.
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Yeah, five minutes, I've got.
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Jacob Rees-Mogg, no entry,
we are not even thinking about it.
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Rishi has heard that Boris's
interior designer is free.
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Quite a visual show.
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Yes, it's visual.
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So we've got another Prime Minister.
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Ancl I think this program me goes out
in time for that to be
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an accurate statement.
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Which is a nice change for us.
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I noticed that the Queen,
the longest reigning monarch,
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coincided with the shortest
Prime Minister term.
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Ancl if every Prime Minister under
the Queen had lasted the same length
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of time as Liz Truss,
she would have had
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560 prime ministers.
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Which means in the end,
we all would have had a go.
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Would you like to see
Rishi's moment of triumph?
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Yes!
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Watch how enthusiastically
he thanks all those people
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who mean so much to him,
and Matt Hancock.
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What a snob!
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I think Matt Hancock
was expecting a grope, at least!
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Yet another PM that
has been to Oxford.
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He was Oxford, Liz Truss, Oxford,
Boris Johnson, Oxford.
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David Cameron.
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Oxford.
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What are you saying?
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What is it about Oxford that
produces an endless list of bozos
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becoming Prime Minister?
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An endless list of bozos.
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Did you hear how Keir
Starmer greeted him?
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He congratulated him, didn't he?
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He said in Rishi Sunak's first
Prime Minister's Question Time:
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I do wonder if that
lettuce is still going.
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They should do a winner
stays on with Rishi.
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Truss must be off salads for life.
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How did Rishi Sunak try to distance
himself from Liz Truss?
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By saying that there
were lots of mistakes that had been
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made, but he was going to fix them?
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He said he was here to fix her
well-intentioned mistakes.
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He is just taking the...
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Sorry.
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And one of the first things he did
was show some respect to Scotland.
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He rang Nicola Sturgeon and said
"Hello, is that Nicola?
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You're not getting a referendum".
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What did you think, by the way?
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Because obviously, Rishi
rang Nicola Sturgeon.
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Liz Truss didn't.
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I don't know if Liz knew
how to use a phone.
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She was only in office for 45 days,
which isn't even enough time to get
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a broadband appointment.
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So I strongly suspect
that the reason she was doing
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all of this was because she just
didn't have any internet
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access to the news.
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Rishi is quite a lot
different from Liz Truss,
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although they apparently share
the same programmer.
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Have a look at this.
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Ancl I will work clay in, clay out
to deliver for the British people.
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What did Rishi Sunak enter
Downing Street without?
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A mandate.
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He went in without his wife.
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Boris Johnson did that repeatedly!
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Is it because he tried
to explain to her what a flat
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was and she was not
having any of it?
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The big Boris bounce-back didn't
happen.
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Why did he withdraw if he
had enough MPs to nominate him?
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He interrupted a holiday
in the Caribbean to come back
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to announce that this wasn't
the right time for him
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to be Prime Minister.
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Who got into trouble
for laughing about it?
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A BBC presenter, wasn't it?
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She was taken off the air
for being gleeful about it.
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I think gleeful is actually quite
a balanced response.
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Ecstatic might be
the correct response.
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The BBC's Martine Croxall
on the BBC's late night newspaper
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review, here she is not long
after the news of Boris's
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withdrawal broke.
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Well, this is all very
exciting, isn't it?
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Hello and welcome to our look ahead
to what the papers will be
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bringing us tomorrow.
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Am I allowed to be this gleeful?
Well, I am.
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APPLAUSE.
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How did Boris's
hard-working team take it?
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They were quite cross, because he
didn't tell a lot of them.
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The Politico website quoted
one staffer saying...
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Was that his wife?
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What about the new Cabinet?
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Is it:
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Or the same old rubbish?
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Gove is back, Raab is back.
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I thought it was quite nice for him
to find a seat around
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the table for Dominic Raab.
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Like the one in the corner
with the colouring pencils.
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I think it is difficult announcing
a Cabinet of all the talents
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when you have none to draw on.
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But there is no Rees-Mogg there,
so we have to count
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the small blessings.
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APPLAUSE.
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He has gone back to
haunting Ebenezer Scrooge.
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He resigned shortly
before he was sacked.
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We've got his resignation
letter here.
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It's written in Latin,
an extract from the Bible.
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What do Liz Truss and
Boris johns on get now?
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150 grand a year.
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She still gets an
Honours list, though.
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The only people who have
done her some great service
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are her removal men.
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They are both entitled to £115,000
in parachute payments to help them
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adjust to normal life.
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We still haven't heard the outcome
of Boris Johnson's hon ours list.
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He tried to give hon ours
to his friends, and Liz Truss
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can't really do that
because she doesn't have any.
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So we still don't know if we'll
see Lady Nadine or not,
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but what has she been up
to this week?
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She took over from Piers Morgan's TV
show and it didn't go well.
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Nadine Dorries has been sitting
in for Piers Morgan's
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smash hit Talk TV show,
Piers Morgan Unwatched.
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Oh, I think that's very unfair.
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Right, let's see how she did.
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Welcome to Piers Morgan Uncensored.
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Corning up on tonight's program me,
a man who is going to
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clear up a woman's mess.
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That is Rishi's vow
as he enters Number Ten.
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And the big beasts they...
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Sorry, I just completely messed up.
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At least she's a better presenter
than she is a politician.
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Right, this is the news
that Rishi Sunak is this
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week's Prime Minister.
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Here is Rishi outside
the door of Number Ten.
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00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:04,535
Not only is he the first
British Asian Prime Minister,
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he is the first that can go
in through the cat flap.
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Jacob Rees-Mogg dated his
resignation letter St Crispin's Day,
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which is apt because:
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St
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Crispin
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if
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the
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patron
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saint
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of
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St Crispin is the patron saint of
cobblers.
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What's going on here,
Paul and Jamie?
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Should I describe what is happening?
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I could have a guess.
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Yeah.
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I don't know, it's either
Vladimir Putin or China.
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Is it both?
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I will give you a clue,
it's about the Ford Fiesta not
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being produced any more.
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Oh!
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Xijinping just bought
one, didn't he?
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He just bought one.
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The Ford Fiesta is no
longer being produced.
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Yeah, this is the news
that after 46 years,
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Ford are scrapping the Fiesta.
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00:11:04,360 --> 00:11:09,335
Who is really upset about it?
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00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:10,975
The Ford Fiesta Appreciation
Club, the FFAP.
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The RNIB.
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You're not far off.
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The Sun's motoring correspondent
Rob Gill was particularly upset.
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He wrote this in an article.
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A car that is easier
to park with a pleasant,
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airy interior with somewhere
for maps and books and with the back
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00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:47,415
seat folded down, even somewhere
for the kitchen sink.
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00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:51,215
Who is this and what did he have to
say about the Ford Fiesta this week?
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00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:52,295
Vladimir Putin?
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00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:53,295
Yeah, Vladimir Putin.
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Spot on.
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That is George Williams.
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It's Nick Mills.
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Oh.
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00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:05,415
Yeah, the well-known
George Williams lookalike.
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00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:08,295
It's Nick Mills and according
to the Sun, he is the UK's
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00:12:08,320 --> 00:12:09,335
premier Fiesta expert.
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00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:13,095
Sky News describes the Fiesta
as a British icon.
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00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:14,535
But just how British is it?
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00:12:14,560 --> 00:12:16,175
Fiesta is a Spanish word, isn't it?
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00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:18,055
Ford is an American word.
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00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:19,455
The chair was invented in China.
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00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:20,535
Yeah.
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00:12:20,560 --> 00:12:22,415
People were standing up
for thousands of years,
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00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:27,295
or sitting on the ground.
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00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:31,655
And somebody said, "There's got
to be a happy medium".
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00:12:31,680 --> 00:12:38,375
As the Guardian revealed:
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00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:44,655
I thought it was named
after a porn mag.
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00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:48,375
I thought I recognised your face.
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It wasn't my face you
were looking at, was it?
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00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:58,055
I was trying to be polite.
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00:12:58,720 --> 00:13:01,095
In other motor-related news,
how are white van men changing?
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00:13:01,120 --> 00:13:04,495
They are getting more
into young and healthy eating.
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00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:07,095
You're right, the white van man
stereotype is changing,
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00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:12,735
with reports that 20%:
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00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:17,415
Ian,
what would you eat if you
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00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:19,735
were a white van driver?
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00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:25,215
There's a marvellous bar,
isn't there, called a Yorkie.
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00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:27,215
Have you ever had a fry-up?
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00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:28,255
Oh, yes.
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00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:33,495
No.
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00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:36,535
This is the news that
after 46 years, Ford have
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00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:37,575
scrapped the Fiesta.
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00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:39,975
Ford Fiesta is officially
the country's
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00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:42,615
favourite car, apart from the Uber
that took Liz Truss away
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00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:43,695
from Downing Street.
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00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:49,015
Right, we move on to round number
two, the picture spin quiz.
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00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:50,255
Fingers on buzzers, teams.
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00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:52,215
Sorry, Jamie.
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00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:54,535
Vladimir Putin again.
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00:13:54,560 --> 00:13:59,735
Here is the first one.
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00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:03,935
Prince Harry is releasing his
memoir, and it's called Spare.
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00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:06,295
Yeah.
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00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:08,655
And I think it's because he
really loves bowling.
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00:14:08,680 --> 00:14:11,295
Yeah, this is the news that
Prince Harry has got someone
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00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:17,975
to write a book for him.
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00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:21,095
I think this makes him the only
person now to have authored more
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00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:23,655
books than he's read.
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00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:24,895
Ooh, that's a bit harsh.
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00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:29,775
It was, I take it back, sorry.
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00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:31,895
What is he going to
include in the book?
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00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:34,335
Apparently, it's an upbeat
version of his life so far,
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00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:36,495
celebrating the role
of the monarchy, his happy marriage.
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00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:38,775
It's a real feel-good book.
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00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:42,935
At the press launch
for the book, Harry said:
252
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:55,775
Hopefully, he also includes
the story about how he nearly
253
00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:57,935
drowned when he was wallowing
in his own self-pity.
254
00:14:57,960 --> 00:15:04,895
You said I was harsh!
255
00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:11,415
Right, in other royal news,
why is the House of
256
00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:14,295
Lords poking its nose
into Charles' business?
257
00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:16,015
This is over who takes over.
258
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:19,175
If Charles is ill, or away,
and at the moment, it's Harry and
259
00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:24,375
Prince Andrew, which is obviously
not entirely satisfactory.
260
00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:30,095
What do you mean, if
King Charles is away?
261
00:15:30,120 --> 00:15:33,935
If there is official business
to do, like waving...
262
00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:35,815
Should do what Saddam
Hussein used to do.
263
00:15:35,840 --> 00:15:38,575
Just get a load of lookalikes.
264
00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:40,295
That boy was opening
eight community centres
265
00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:44,415
simultaneously!
266
00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:47,535
According to the BBC the issue
was brought up in the
267
00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:51,495
House of Lords as an historic
first after being...
268
00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:54,535
Which is quite a moment,
I guess, to hear from
269
00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:55,575
a talking biscuit!
270
00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:58,575
LAUGHTER
271
00:15:58,600 --> 00:15:59,655
Yeah!
272
00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:05,255
My favourite joke
of the show so far!
273
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:08,295
Who are the five Royal
stand-ins and
274
00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:10,615
why are they a problem?
275
00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:12,655
Alan Titch marsh...
276
00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:15,135
Phil and Holly.
277
00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:22,095
LAUGHTER
278
00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:29,135
They queued up to get that job!
279
00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:34,575
Camilla, William and Beatrice,
are three of them, but obviously
280
00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:36,735
the big issue is the other two,
Andrew and
281
00:16:36,760 --> 00:16:37,855
Harry.
282
00:16:37,880 --> 00:16:39,735
What unfortunate incident befell
one of Charles' Royal
283
00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:40,735
standins?
284
00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:42,215
Is this the Madame Tussauds story?
285
00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:43,895
Yes, Charles' waxwork
in Madame Tussauds was
286
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:45,015
targeted by climate
change protesters.
287
00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:52,015
Let's have a look.
288
00:17:01,840 --> 00:17:03,495
You still goes to look at waxworks?
289
00:17:03,520 --> 00:17:05,655
I always think that,
because there is always a
290
00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:06,695
massive queue outside it.
291
00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:08,575
They are not real people.
292
00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:14,895
Them stock-taking.
293
00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:17,935
Just Stop Oil are now
into their 26th day of civil unrest.
294
00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:20,095
It's not going that well,
especially compared to the
295
00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:22,735
success of just Stop Gas,
which Vladimir Putin managed to do
296
00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:26,255
in just five minutes.
297
00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:28,415
Fingers on buzzers,
here is the next one.
298
00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:31,095
BUZZER
299
00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:34,775
Joe Biden has announced
that he's going to run
300
00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:38,855
again for president,
although he can barely walk
301
00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:41,535
but he is going to run again,
which will make him
302
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:42,495
quite old.
303
00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:44,455
The alternative might be
rather grimmer than that.
304
00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:46,375
How has Biden been trying
to downplay doubts
305
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:47,815
about his age?
306
00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:48,855
Joined a basketball team.
307
00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:53,415
Yes, as a mascot!
308
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:55,335
Has he sort of been doing press ups?
309
00:17:55,360 --> 00:17:57,495
The Washington Post noted
that the US president was
310
00:17:57,520 --> 00:18:00,615
trying to show that he was still
with it by engaging in public
311
00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:01,655
displays of outdoor activities.
312
00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:05,895
Mentally he's still sharp as a tack.
313
00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:08,055
We start off with two
words, made in America!
314
00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:14,815
LAUGHTER
315
00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:17,855
Oh, clear!
316
00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:20,495
Biden said that voters were right
to be concerned about his
317
00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:23,255
health, adding that he could...
318
00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:26,295
I have heard better
campaign slogans!
319
00:18:26,320 --> 00:18:27,455
Vote for me today!
320
00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:34,415
APPLAUSE
321
00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:42,975
I'm distracted by the sound
of paper burning.
322
00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:46,015
It's only those crisps.
323
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:47,615
I can hear that rustling as well.
324
00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:49,615
Someone's got a bag
of Maltesers their pocket.
325
00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:56,775
Finally, an audio round.
326
00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:06,615
The question is,
what flavour crisps are they?
327
00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:08,535
Time now for the Odd One Out Round.
328
00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:10,815
Just one between you this week.
329
00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:11,855
Alan Titch marsh .
Boris Becker.
330
00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:12,855
David Dimbleby, and Macbeth.
331
00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:16,655
BUZZER
332
00:19:16,680 --> 00:19:18,415
OK, so Boris Becker is in jail.
333
00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:19,455
Tax evasion.
334
00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:22,095
So he has not got his job.
335
00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:24,775
Is it to do with
who has got his job?
336
00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:27,895
Is it about murdering all the people
in front of you in line
337
00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:29,615
to the throne?
338
00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:31,215
Who has David Dimbleby murdered?!
339
00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:34,215
I will give you a clue.
It is quiet around their house.
340
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:36,775
David Dimbleby said
he didn't have many friends.
341
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:39,975
Oh, yeah.
342
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:42,575
Of course, Macbeth didn't
have many friends at all.
343
00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:46,655
Boris Becker has got one friend
who he is sharing a cell with.
344
00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:50,215
And Aka“ “tchmarsh
has got no {fiends
345
00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:53,695
at all apart from
a plant called Bert.
346
00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:56,855
Isn't Alan Titchmarsh
friends with Charles?
347
00:19:56,880 --> 00:19:59,335
The odd one out is
undoubtedly Alan Titchmarsh.
348
00:19:59,360 --> 00:20:00,495
Sorry, I meant David Dimbleby.
349
00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:05,815
It is Boris Becker.
350
00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:08,455
They have all lost friends
except Boris Becker, who is making
351
00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:09,495
friends in prison.
352
00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:11,375
Is that what they call
it these clays?
353
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:13,095
He has started doing
yoga, hasn't he?
354
00:20:13,120 --> 00:20:14,415
Yeah.
355
00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:16,415
Is that what they call
it these clays?!
356
00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:20,575
The former world number one has been
instructing other prisoners in yoga.
357
00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:24,135
Something like a long
stretch, isn't it?
358
00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:28,015
What else can Boris
Becker teach his fellow inmates?
359
00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:32,015
Tax returns, how to have
sex in a cupboard!
360
00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:34,175
According to the Times Boris
is also sharing his
361
00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:35,895
knowledge on crisis management.
362
00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:40,495
What other surprising
feature does Boris
363
00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:41,695
Becker's prison have?
364
00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:43,095
It has got a nice restaurant.
365
00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:45,735
How do you know?
Been in a few times!
366
00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:47,615
Along with a fitness
centre, it also has
367
00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:49,575
a climbing wall.
368
00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:55,255
Or as most inmates call it,
the perimeter fence!
369
00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:58,295
What does David Dimbleby give
as his reason for having
370
00:20:58,320 --> 00:20:59,335
not had any friends?
371
00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:01,015
He's not very good at small talk.
372
00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:02,215
I think he said.
373
00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:04,655
He told the Times, I'm
not very good at chat.
374
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:06,575
If you meet someone,
he says, yes, you,
375
00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:09,255
the man in the jumper.
376
00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:14,055
It is because he told
the Times I'm not very good
377
00:21:17,120 --> 00:21:19,455
Who is Alan Titchmarsh
worried about losing as a friend?
378
00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:23,615
Charles.
379
00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:25,615
This week the celebrity
gardener has revealed he
380
00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:27,495
is worried about his
friendship with King Charles.
381
00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:28,535
Alan told the Times...
382
00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:34,095
He is king now.
383
00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:37,135
Do you think Charles views this
relationship in the same way
384
00:21:37,160 --> 00:21:42,135
as Alan Titch marsh?!
385
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:46,575
"Oh my god, it's
fucking Titchmarsh!"
386
00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:48,295
What was Alan Titchmarsh's
last and possibly
387
00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:49,495
final encounter with King Charles?
388
00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:53,775
Was he on the bus
during the jubilee?
389
00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:56,175
The night before the Queen passed
away the Express described
390
00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:56,655
the pair as having had...
391
00:21:56,680 --> 00:21:58,135
After which according
to Alan Titchmarsh
392
00:21:58,160 --> 00:22:04,135
Charles entertained guests by...
393
00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:09,655
That is actually him calling
the guards to get him out!
394
00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:11,015
A signal.
395
00:22:11,040 --> 00:22:12,655
I bet the piper wasn't very welcome.
396
00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:18,335
"Just chuck the bugger out!"
397
00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:21,615
"Chuck him out!"
398
00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:23,535
Though I think he should a stand in!
399
00:22:23,560 --> 00:22:26,855
I have been approached!
400
00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:30,255
They have all lost friends except
Boris Becker, who is said to be
401
00:22:30,280 --> 00:22:35,375
making friends by teaching
yoga to fellow inmates.
402
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:37,415
Macbeth has given us many
memorable lines including...
403
00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:43,135
Most recently seen in a WhatsApp
group of Boris Johnson supporters.
404
00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:46,175
Time now for the missing words
round, which this week features,
405
00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:48,015
as its guest publication...
406
00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:50,935
The quarterly magazine
of the Campaign for Real Ale.
407
00:22:54,280 --> 00:22:57,095
Or as the magazine subscribers
call it, "the usual".
408
00:22:57,120 --> 00:22:59,735
To start with, we would like to
apologise to our members
409
00:22:59,760 --> 00:23:03,415
for failing to what?
410
00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:07,335
For failing to apologise to our
members in the last issue, which was
411
00:23:07,360 --> 00:23:10,255
the apology issue but unfortunately
the printers missed out the word
412
00:23:10,280 --> 00:23:15,455
apology, so the word apology was not
there but we would like to apologise
413
00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:41,695
It would have been some time before
we get that, wouldn't it?
414
00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:44,935
The term real ale
event covers a lot of
415
00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:47,335
things from sampling some local ales
at a Dorset festival
416
00:23:47,360 --> 00:23:49,495
to your mate Terry soiling himself
in a Wetherspoons.
417
00:23:49,520 --> 00:23:53,495
Are you suggesting that Ian has
a mate called Terry?
418
00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:57,575
Yeah, me and him down Spoons.
419
00:23:57,600 --> 00:23:59,375
Have you ever been in one?
420
00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:03,655
Of course I have.
421
00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:08,615
What sort of person
do you think Ian is?
422
00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:10,175
Have you ever had a fight?
423
00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:11,855
Have you ever been in a pub?
424
00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:13,295
But his answers are always no.
425
00:24:13,320 --> 00:24:15,215
I was in a Spoons the other night.
426
00:24:15,240 --> 00:24:20,335
What did you drink?
427
00:24:26,560 --> 00:24:28,375
Next: Tupperware is,
but it will cost you
428
00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:29,455
freezer space.
429
00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:36,375
What can you buy?
430
00:24:36,680 --> 00:24:39,415
Yeah, and your mental health.
431
00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:41,775
Who is going to buy
designer trainers for a horse?
432
00:24:41,800 --> 00:24:46,295
Here they are.
433
00:24:46,320 --> 00:24:49,375
This is the news that
a shop called Horse Kicks
434
00:24:49,400 --> 00:24:51,695
will sell you designer trainers
for your horse and not,
435
00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:53,215
as you might have assumed, Ketamine.
436
00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:55,575
Aren't you going to ask
Ian if he has ever
437
00:24:55,600 --> 00:24:58,575
tried Ketamine?
438
00:24:58,600 --> 00:25:00,135
Ian, have you ever tried Ketamine?
439
00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:02,895
Yes, I have.
440
00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:06,615
What happened?
441
00:25:06,640 --> 00:25:09,175
He slept through one Prime Minister!
442
00:25:10,560 --> 00:25:13,015
Next:
443
00:25:16,040 --> 00:25:19,415
Masturbate furiously.
444
00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:22,335
It's like a blur.
445
00:25:22,360 --> 00:25:25,615
Says happy and excited archbishop.
446
00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:28,255
I'm not saying which one.
447
00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:33,255
I thought it was to
attract seagulls.
448
00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:43,655
Oh.
449
00:25:43,680 --> 00:25:46,295
I still think that
masturbating furiously
450
00:25:46,320 --> 00:25:49,135
should have got a bigger laugh.
451
00:25:49,160 --> 00:25:53,375
Quite disappointed.
452
00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:55,015
I expected to get a hand, anyway.
453
00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:59,415
I got a groan, it's getting worse.
I had better leave it alone.
454
00:25:59,440 --> 00:26:01,335
Is that what your mum said to you?
455
00:26:01,360 --> 00:26:03,535
She said, leave it alone
otherwise you will go...
456
00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:06,455
Doesn't matter.
457
00:26:06,960 --> 00:26:11,455
And finally:
458
00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:17,415
Chip hand man
masturbating furiously.
459
00:26:17,440 --> 00:26:21,695
Is it normal-looking firemen
with their clothes on?
460
00:26:26,840 --> 00:26:28,815
Oh, that's nice.
461
00:26:28,840 --> 00:26:34,535
This is a car park representing
the month of March.
462
00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:38,735
Now, I would show you April,
but unfortunately,
463
00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:41,375
the photo was taken at the peak
of the dogging season.
464
00:26:41,400 --> 00:26:49,375
Here's another question for Ian.
465
00:26:49,440 --> 00:26:54,175
I will answer for him -
we prefer not to talk about it.
466
00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:57,135
So, the final scores are,
Ian and Hannah have five.
467
00:26:57,160 --> 00:26:58,975
Paul and Jamie have seven.
468
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:03,135
Well clone.
469
00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:06,055
Before we go, there's just time
for the caption competition.
470
00:27:06,080 --> 00:27:11,015
Ian and Hannah, you've got this.
471
00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:14,575
That's two clowns that
aren't in government.
472
00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:17,615
Don't look now, but Jacob Rees-Mogg
has just walked in.
473
00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:19,615
Has he?
Yeah.
474
00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:23,495
Sorry, that's the caption.
475
00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:26,855
Paul and Jamie get this.
476
00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:30,295
Somebody's whispered
in Joe Biden's ear.
477
00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:35,975
"That's not a urinal, Joe".
478
00:27:39,040 --> 00:27:41,015
"Apparently, there is something
you can have implanted
479
00:27:41,040 --> 00:27:43,855
in your hand".
480
00:27:43,880 --> 00:27:46,775
On which note, we say thank
you to our panel lists,
481
00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:51,215
Ian Hislop and Hannah Fry,
Paul Merton and Jamie MacDonald.
482
00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:53,815
I leave you with news that
in the Downing Street garden,
483
00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:55,255
Rishi Sunak
begins to regret giving
484
00:27:55,280 --> 00:28:01,375
Therese Coffey the role
of Environment Secretary.
485
00:28:01,440 --> 00:28:05,615
More disappointment
for Kwasi Kwarteng
486
00:28:05,640 --> 00:28:07,535
after he decided to ignore his
architect's advice
487
00:28:07,560 --> 00:28:13,735
and design his new house himself.
488
00:28:13,800 --> 00:28:18,615
And the intensity of
the new BMW heated seats takes
489
00:28:18,640 --> 00:28:23,975
one man by surprise as he starts to
feel his buttock implants melting.
490
00:28:24,040 --> 00:28:30,335
Good night.
491
00:28:30,520 --> 00:28:35,215
APPLAUSE