This programme contains some strong language.
APPLAUSE
G00d evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
I 'm Gary Neville.
I n the news this week...
l 'm Gary Neville and in the news this week, in Bury
St Edmunds, Farmer Tory MP Norman Tebbit treats loca*
t0 a Halloween extravaganza.
LAUGHTER
l n the Whitehall
gym, word gets 0ut
that Larry the cat has vomited on Dominic Raab's shoes.
And in Mexic0 City, 0ne football fan overdoes
it as he celebrates his
team scoring a last- minute winner.
LONG CROW
LAUGHTER
On Paul's team
tonight is a TV
presenter wh0 in a recent interview said it's important not to care
about being called wanker.
I wish l 'd known that when I was taking my
first throw- in at Anfield.
Please welcome Richard Madeley.
CHEERl NG
And 0n lan's team
tonight is a
comedian and f00tball fan wh0 says she cried when the England Lionesses
won the Euros.
They've done pretty well since they ditched their previous
manager, Phil Neville.
N0 relation.
Please welcome Maisie Adam.
CHEERl NG
We begin with
the big news stories
of the week.
Ian and Maisie, take a l00k at this.
That's the back of Suella Braverman.
We're all happy to see that.
Oh, God.
It's Matt Hancock.
He's heading to Australia.
And he's running...
Oh, two thumbs up.
Suella DeVille.
She's been Home Secretary twice and she's just
reminding us.
Letting us know.
With the gap in the middle.
Yeah.
Wel* I hope by the time we go out, she'll
have been fired.
There's every chance.
Given her current form.
So she's been in a great deal of trouble.
This looks like it's the new Prime Minister's first mistake
after going into politics.
What's Suella Braverman been doing to calm
down the tense migrant situation this week?
She said, "we're being invaded ! "
Yeah.
Obviously, she inherited an appalling situation, so
you've got to...
From the previous Home Secretary.
Yes.
It is a thing of going, wel* we're just cleaning
up the mess of the before us.
It sort of got the energy of someone who's still blaming their bad mood
for the ex-wife that left them 12 years ago.
We got a huge deficit of employees in this country.
There's a huge deficit and 10,000 Albanians
turn up saying we would like to work.
Now, I wonder what the solution is?
Oh, yes.
Give them a Visa.
Or the Home Office is very short of staff so I think the
refugees could just literally land and process themselves.
I mean...
I 'm just offering solutions.
I 'm trying to help.
You're right.
According t0 the BBC News, already this year,
near* 40,000 people have
crossed the Channel.
Numbers Piers Morgan can on* dream of.
There's a lot of people arriving, but the
problem is that nobody's doing anything to help them.
A lot of them were just sent to Central London.
Yeah, no, no, and buses dropped them off in the hope that someone might
be nice.
I n London!
What's Rishi Sunak had to say about the migrant
crisis?
Didntt he say something like Britain has a reputation for looking
after migrants?
Did he say something like that?
Wel* he's actual* been pretty quiet, probab* because he's
been t00 busy making a mega cool brand video.
Oh, no.
Have a l00k at this.
Rishi Sunak to be the British Prime Minister.
And l have been elected as leader of my party and
your prime Minister, and that work begins immediately.
Is this Gary Glitter?
Sorry.
That is Gary Glitter!
Where?
The song.
I thought you meant in the crowd clapping.
I thought you meant he'd been made Cabinet minister.
Honestly, at this point I wouldn't be surprised.
Do you want to be in my cabinet?
I hadn't seen that.
That was horrific.
It looked like a spoof, but it was real.
Really?
Yeah, but a lot 0f people did say...
It is, though!
Is it?
This led a Government spokesperson to tell the Times...
How long do you think it'll be before they do a U -turn and say, OK,
it was Gary Glitter?
Or we're learning.
S0 what has Suella Braverman admitted to doing six
times?
This is the other scandal.
The immigration is not enough.
You need two now.
And this is leaking or sending confidential e- mails.
She's not very g00d, is she?
She's done it six times, though.
Six!
She has changed her story from six days ago.
A lot of sixes...
Ooh!
You're absolute* right.
She was sending confidential security documents to her personal
e- mail.
Braverman apol0gised for her...
This has led t0 a new nickname for Suella Braverman.
What is it?
There was Leaky Sue.
Leaky Sue?
Leaky Sue, that's a new one.
That sounds like a drag queen.
Leaky Sue.
It is...
Which used t0 be 0ur nickname for David james.
Oh, yes.
I can see why.
You int0 f00tbal* lan?
Love it.
Love my football.
Wh0 e*e has been revealed as a risk to national security this
week?
Liz Truss.
Her phone was hacked by the Russians when she was
Foreign Secretary.
How wrong do things have to be going that when your phone is
hacked by Russians it's not the big story?
Yes, it is Liz Truss.
Earlier this year, the Russians alleged*
hacked her phone and after scrolling through 20,000 seffies managed to
find some information, according to the Telegraph, that...
Prime Minister.
There are a lot of rumours about what's on that phone.
Yes, like what?
What are the rumours?
The rumours are...
Act them out, act them out!
It must be dynamite, because they've locked it in a
safe, haven't they?
Actually, I think it's a safe within a safe.
There are rumours about the fact that there were previous rumours
about some sort of compromising situation that people may or may not
have got in and no one wanted to print these
rumours, quite rightly because they're very interesting.
Have you been speaking to a lawyer before tonightts show?
Yeah, fill in the gaps, Ian.
I just thought, I 'd like Christmas at home.
This compromising stuff on the phones, is
it e- mails, photos?
I don't know.
We want to know.
You do know, you do know.
Blink twice if it's photos.
Blink twice if it's e- mails.
Are you involved, Ian?
Now, that is defamatory!
Wh0 e*e played down this story?
Was it Liz Truss?
A Tory, but not Liz Truss.
Gove?
It was a more unfashionable 0ne.
Than Gove?
It Mark Spencer, and is on Sky News this
week.
We all talk on personal phones.
I ring my wife.
Maybe there's some little man in China
listening to the conversation between me and my wife.
What's his job?
He's ambassador t0 China.
Pretty embarrassing, though, for a senior Tory, saying he
rang his own wife.
Back t0 the subject of immigration, which un-skilled
migrant worker is heading to Australia?
Matt Hancock?
Is it possible for him to go one way to
Australia?
Do you reckon?
It has been done before.
Quite successfully.
It is Matt Hancock.
He signed up for I 'm a celebrity get me
out 0f here.
The deputy chair 0f Matt Hancock buzz might local
Conservative Party Association, Andy Drummond, said...
l tve got a quote here.
I wrote it down because l didntt want to get it wrong from the
the Covid -19 bereaved families from justice
that said, he isntt a
celebrity.
Hets a former Health Secretary who oversaw
the U K having one of the
highest death tolls from Covid whilst breaking his own lockdown
rules.
I suspect his reason is that if he does it wel* if he takes
these challenges on bravely and with good humour,
he will turn it round, but I agree with what you just said.
No one will forget that.
I don't want to pick a fight with you,
Richard, but you said the phrase, if Matt Hancock does this well.
If he actually attacks the challenges,
agrees to do it, eats the scorpions and the testicles and the willies
and all of the rest of it, he will get brownie points.
Hetll get more than brownie points.
Hetll get a stomachache.
Wel* if Matt is as fearless in the jungle as he is
on the f00tball pitch, I 'm sure he won't have any problems.
Oh, my God.
Oh, no.
He had a cheek t0 have a g0 at footballers during the pandemic.
D0 you remember that?
Did he?
He did.
He said that f00tballers needed to do a
lot more.
A lot more what?
T0 society.
It was when he was b0*hie.
It was before everyone realised that he fucked it up.
What has Matt Hancock already lost?
He lost the Tory whip.
He's been suspended from the House of Commons.
Here's how Sky News covered the story.
So he joins a long list of those, some with mixed
success.
OK, Tamara.
You might have thought he would be a gentleman
who might be slightly wary of hidden cameras.
Oh, go on!
This is the news that Matt Hancock is set to take
part in l 'm a celebrity, despite the fears that
if he is chosen t0 be camp leader, he might
just leave the 0lder camp mates to die.
He happi* admits he doesn't know much about the show, so when he
is presented with a kangar00's arse, someone will need to tell him that
he is expected t0 eat it and not grope it.
Paul and Richard, have a look at this.
What not stopping oil looks like.
Stay in motion contest.
The King not going to COP 27.
The orange, looking for someone who has
orange gloves.
There we are.
It was him who sprayed orange paint.
Yes, itts a U -turn, but not all U -turns are
bad.
Rishi Sunak wasntt going to go to the conference and Boris Johnson
was going to go, so Rishi Sunak has decided to go along, which is a good
idea.
Let's just get the COP 27 timeline right.
Liz Truss was going t0 g0.
She told the King, don't g0.
She has been and gone.
This she said, l 'm not going.
Rishi said t0 the King, don't g0.
Boris said, l 'm going.
Rishi said, l 'm going as well.
And the King said, l 'll have a party at mine.
Why is Boris going?
Wel* because he can't not stop being Prime Minister.
He misses it.
And also he's got a gap between holidays.
Do you know what it has got a feel of?
It is a bit like you know when Fergie goes to the games at
United.
And you go, you're not in charge any more, sir.
Does Fergie go to United matches?
Not Sarah Ferguson.
S0 why did Sunak original* say that he
wasn't going t0 g0?
He said he had too much on his plate.
Yeah, too busy preparing the budget.
He said it wasn't that important, that he had
other stuff t0 d0, or as he put it...
Depressing for him.
What about us?
Why is Boris johnson going to COP 27?
I told you, he's between holidays.
He said...
That sounds made up.
Be specific.
The Egyptians?
And if he says Tutankhamun, we know he's lying.
Greta Thunberg is not going.
And why?
She said it is a waste of time.
Everyone just talks rubbish and the whole thing is a big
Green wash.
Yeah, could be right.
COP 26 created more than '02,000 tonnes of C02.
That is twice as much as COP 25.
Are you going, Richard?
Absolutely not.
There are people travelling from all over the world on four engine jets
to get to this conference.
I mean, the amount of global warming that
that will contribute is extraordinary.
Are you going?
N0, same reason as you.
I was invited by a lot of Egyptians.
S0 wh0 is having a fantastic energy crisis?
BP and Shell.
Yes.
BP, they've just declared a *7 billion profit.
That is almost as much as the Glazers.
Owners of Manchester United, my lad.
I am indebted to you.
I was thinking people replacing windows are doing
well.
This is the COP 27 climate change conference, which will be
held in Egypt next week.
Rishi Sunak has insisted that he is personal*
committed t0 fighting climate change.
In fact, he has turned down the thermostat in near* all
his houses.
Charles was hoping t0 g0 t0 COP 27 in Egypt, which is of
course the land 0f...
Which coincidental* is what Charles does
every time he gets a phone call from Harry.
Meanwhile, Luiz l naci0 Lula da Si*a has been elected president
of Brazil.
It is quite an achievement for the 77-year old
politician nicknamed Lula, or as joe Biden cal*
him, the boy wonder.
And s0 t0 round tw0, the pena*y shoot-out
of views.
Maisie, it's your turn first, and you've got to hit one of those
targets by moving the joystick and pressing the blue button.
Oh, OK.
The skill involved with that.
Fax machines are being phased out.
They're not in my office.
To be honest, youtve still got a drawer full of quills.
I honestly don't think I 've ever used one.
RICHARD: Go on!
No.
How old are you?
28.
I suppose she wouldntt.
Let's just go.
What does it do, really, that we're not getting from...
Now we've got the internet.
Itts like sending a text but on paper, is kind of how it works.
Wel* that came before texting.
That was sending letters.
This is the news that the fax machine is on its way out.
What sounded the deathknell for the fax machine?
Is it because landlines are being phased out as well?
It is, yes.
Ofcom ruled that telecom companies no longer have to provide
landlines for fax machines.
Yeah.
Here's the moment 0ne high- profile user found out
about the devastating fax news.
How many phones has he got there?
He's probab* got 0ne of those control things that
you've got there as well.
Yeah, but his red button does something very different.
The show's getting cheerier!
How might the ruling 0n fax machines impact the UK music scene?
They used to make certain noises, didntt they, beeps.
They chirruped, didn't they?
MAISl E: What, like dial- up?
Like what?
Like dial- up internet, that used to make a sound, didn't it?
LMITATES DIAL- UP SOUND.
We can rule 0ut any UK tour dates for Dol* Parton,
because as the Guardian reports, the country singer...
Bless her!
N0 wonder that bloke left her for jolene.
PAUL LAUGHS.
We interviewed her and in the middle of the interview
she stuck her legs out, and I said, involuntarily, I said,
God, you've got really small feet, haven't you?
She said, nothing grows in the shade, honey.
That's incredible!
APPLAUSE.
What a legend.
This is the fax machine, which is being discontinued.
According t0 the Telegraph...
S0 you don't want t0 be in a bed t00 close by when the doctor says,
turn the machine 0ff.
Ian, it's now your turn.
Excellent.
It's your first chance ever, I suspect, to take a pena*y.
Don't let him get in your head.
Thatts ridiculous!
Pau* it's now your turn.
Great, OK.
Hang on, I didn't even get a chance.
Mind alone.
LAUGHTER.
APPLAUSE.
How did you do it?
I dontt know, l tve got it up here.
Therets nothing in this!
Look at that, therets nothing in it!
It's not connected to anything.
No, therets a battery for the light.
It's wireless, that.
Tt Uselesstt is the thing youtre looking for.
Wel* that's obviously the World Cup.
The whole thing is incredibly corrupt.
James Cleverly the other week said, the Foreign Secretary,
said that any gay football fans should be aware of the country that
theytre going to and should behave accordingly.
Yeah, Clever* advised LGBTQ+ fans visiting Qatar to...
It's unbelievable, and it's all about money, and you've got
mainline celebrities going over there for huge cheques.
You know, you've got people like Robbie going over there to sing.
Which I must say I 'm very surprised at, given all the comments that
Robbie Williams has made in the past about gay rights, the fact
that he's going out there to sing for them
is extraordinary.
I don't know what's happened to people.
APPLAUSE.
And it's not just him, the Black Eyed Peas are going,
they're going out to perform.
I don't know either 0f these people.
You know Robbie Williams.
Wel* l met him 0nce.
OK.
But you know David Beckham, dontt you?
Yeah.
Yeah, hets going, isntt he?
Yeah.
How much has he been paid?
I don't know.
You do know.
For more than me.
Yeah.
Ian, is it coming home?
What, your reputation?
APPLAUSE.
The others have been very gentle with you, Gary.
Thanks, lan.
But the elephant in the room is still there.
I mean, you're commentating there, aren't you?
Yeah, l 'm commentating there.
What's the defence?
Football term.
For commentating there?
Wel* you've got a choice, I think, haven't you?
What, going or not going?
My view a*ays has been that you either highlight the issues
and challenges in these countries, and speak about them.
Or you basical* don't say anything and you stay back home and don't go.
And l 've a*ays said we should challenge them.
There's another option, you stay-at- home and
highlight the abuses.
You don't have to go and take the Qataris' money.
APPLAUSE.
That's...
I 'm not trying to be tiresome, but it's not a very good defence.
How is someone like Robbie or the Black Eyed Peas
supposed to highlight it?
Are they going to make a speech on stage?
Of course they're not.
You can highlight it.
What, during a match?
Highlight it during the commentary.
" It's the kick-off here in this appalling country with a terrible
"human rights record, and, honestly, I think...
"Oh, someone's kicking a ball.
" But honestly, the amount of immigrant workers who've
"died, it's a shocker.
"Oh, it's a goal! "
Nobody seems to be winning here except the corrupt funders.
A lot of MPs are winning.
The Qataris have spent more money on entertaining MPs in the last
couple of months than ever before.
I wonder why.
But you know, sort of murderous nations putting up sporting events
to try and sort of clean up their image, like
we look at the 1936 Olympic Games held in Germany.
If that hadntt have happened, we might have
had a Second World War.
T0 be fair, England f00tballers...
We don't want to be fair, Gary.
That's not going to help anyone.
England f00tballers have a*ays been very comfortable
with prom0ting the Middle East.
Here is Michael Owen in 0ne of his finest promotional
videos l 've ever seen.
This is no ordinary chopper.
It's got special powers, and once we are airborne,
you'll see just what I mean.
Hey, I think that's actually Sam Torrance down there,
the ex- Ryder Cup captain.
Let's just drop down a bit to check.
Sorry about that, folks.
J ust a bit too low.
The shatterproof glass came in handy, but I don't think Sam's
going to be too pleased with us getting in the way of his drive.
Good thing he has that great Scottish sense of humour.
Why are we being held to ransom?!
What is it you want?
My house keys?
I tll give you my house keys!
What is it you need?!
It's better than Rishi Sunak's video.
I was just going t0 say, we now know where Sunak
gets his brand advice.
Wh0 are the FA worried will get themse*es
in trouble at the tournament?
The fans, l suppose.
It's the Wags.
It's the wives and girffriends, who the FA have had to issue
warnings t0 about the country's rules, including...
Someone should have warned Gavi of Barcelona.
What are they doing, doing that camera angle?
It gives a whole new meaning to the phrase being pulled off
at ha*-time, doesntt it?
This is the news that we had three weeks away from
the World Cup in Qatar.
It would be amazing if England win the World Cup.
Just imagine that moment as the team go up and Hol*
and Phil lift the trophy.
Time now for the missing words round, and we start with...
Asking, what's your name and where you from?
Is this the bloke who recognised somebody in a crowd who was wearing
a mask, and just recognised him by looking at his eyes?
It was his arse, wasn't it?
It was his chin.
H is arse?!
Yes!
He was wearing SpongeBob pants or something.
No, Richard, this is a dream youtve had !
Paul is correct.
I tve seen that arse before!
Clever guy.
This is police 0fficer Arron Lewars, who managed to identify a criminal
on CCTV even though 0n* the man's chin was visible.
He said it was like playing...
lt did help that the criminal was wearing a red and
white stripy jumper.
Next 0ne...
A successful Prime Minister.
APPLAUSE.
I think this is a mushroom.
How have you got that?
I saw it.
There was a bit of news item where it was a rather ugly looking
thing, but itts in a cage.
Is it kept in a cage because it's dangerous or because it's rare
and they don't want people to damage it?
My interest waned ha*way through.
That's correct.
Well done.
This is the bearded t00th fungus.
Beautiful.
This was recent* discovered in a park in Cornwall.
The fungus plays an important role by getting rid of "dead wood".
They could d0 with some of that at Che*ea.
Next...
Ants, it's ants.
It was that fantastic documentary on BBC Two this week
about an alien object, what would happen if an alien
spaceship came close to the Earth.
The headline is, Richard, incredible facts.
Oh.
When it comes t0 communicating with aliens, scientists believe...
Which should be fine, so long as the first human
being they encounter isn't Kwasi Kwarteng.
APPLAUSE.
Aliens have a problem at the moment coming down and saying,
take me to your leader.
I don't know!
Next 0ne...
Squirrel.
I saw that, squirrel.
Seagull, sailor.
It's a crow.
Itts a crow, itts a crow!
A dive- bombing crow.
A dive- bombing crow!
It scared everybody, babies in their prams.
Is it attacking peoplets chins and arses?
Which happens to be the name of the local pub.
Are you popping into the Chin tonight?
Anyway...
Yeah, so Richardts right, itts a crow.
How do we know itts called Derek?
Who calls it Derek, the other jackdaws?
Tt Derek, Derek! tt
And final*...
I 've got a thing about places with rude names.
So, this is one of them, is it?
It's "cock" something.
Cockweasel?
Is it Hancock?
Cock Bridge?
Yes, Cock Bridge.
For the trailer of this episode, can we just use the clip
of Richard scanning his brain going, "cock, cock"...
l knew it was a rude word, but you having the right answer
saved me from saying tt Bollockchopstt.
Here is 0ne 0f the signs.
Oh, bollocks!
It was there in rehearsal.
S0, the final scores are, Ian and Maisie have '7 points,
and Paul and Richard have '3 points.
What a sprint finish!
APPLAUSE.
Wait, wait!
We have VAR.
Oh, come on!
Ruining the game!
Letts have a look at VAR.
Sorry, lan.
It turns 0ut you were 0ffside for most of round two,
s0 VAR has awarded the win t0 Paul.
Well done.
But before we g0, there's just time for the caption competition.
So, do you think Gary's right to go?
APPLAUSE.
On which note we say thank you to our panellists,
lan Hislop and Maisie Adam, Paul Merton and Richard Madeley.
And l leave you with the news that in Moscow the head of the Russian
intelligence agency gets a surprising friend
request 0n Faceb00k.
There is evidence that even the wea*hiest of households
are feeling the energy crisis, as instead of turning
up his heating, E*0n john pops on a jumper.
And final*, Bensons For Beds announce record profits
as Peter Crouch's new mattress arrives in the UK.
G00dnight.
APPLAUSE.