1 00:00:02,040 --> 00:00:05,015 This program me contains some strong language 2 00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:31,375 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 3 00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:40,855 Hello and welcome to Have I Got 2022 For you. I'm Gary Neville... 4 00:00:40,880 --> 00:00:44,815 |'mjo Brand. I'm Richard Ayoade. I'm Anna Maxwell Martin. 5 00:00:44,840 --> 00:00:47,415 I'm Clive Myrie. In the news this week, 6 00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:48,935 on the outskirts of Kharkiv, 7 00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:51,775 as a Russian military convoy prepares to advance, 8 00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:53,255 the Ukrainian Highways Agency 9 00:00:53,280 --> 00:00:56,495 finds an effective new way to signal its disapproval. 10 00:00:57,960 --> 00:01:02,055 LAUGHTER 11 00:01:02,080 --> 00:01:04,975 More frustration for King Charles as he drops his fountain pen 12 00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:06,895 and it rolls under the sofa. 13 00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:12,135 LAUGHTER 14 00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:14,655 And there's evidence that before the Johnsons got married, 15 00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:17,935 Boris was given a graphic warning by Carrie's mum. 16 00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:23,975 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 17 00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:29,175 Yes, that's the queues, the big, big queues. 18 00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:31,815 There's Holly Willoughby and Phillip Schofield. 19 00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:36,055 She's wearing a mask cos clearly she's allergic to Phillip Schofield. 20 00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:39,495 People liked the experience of queuing, they liked being there, 21 00:01:39,520 --> 00:01:42,455 and when they thought someone had jumped the queue, 22 00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:43,895 people got very cross. 23 00:01:43,920 --> 00:01:47,295 To be fair, Charles has been queuing for quite some time. 24 00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:50,735 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 25 00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:56,135 Holly and Phil were accused of going there to make a piece 26 00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:58,255 and then just going in anyway. 27 00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:01,655 They've apparently just appeared in Westminster Hall on Sunday. 28 00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:05,535 Just appeared? just appeared there. Like a haunting? Exactly. 29 00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:09,095 Without having spent the previous 36 hours queuing. 30 00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:12,415 There's a huge petition. What, to stop them jumping queues? 31 00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:17,775 To say, A, don't jump any queues, and, B, the death penalty. 32 00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:20,455 Is there a queue to sign the petition? I tried to sign it 33 00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:23,015 but this stinking pen didn't bloody work. 34 00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:26,975 APPLAUSE 35 00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:28,255 In case you missed it, 36 00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:31,055 this is the news that Her Majesty the Queen passed away, 37 00:02:31,080 --> 00:02:34,255 and her funeral took place on Monday. On the day of the funeral, 38 00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:36,855 businesses closed their doors, supermarkets didn't open, 39 00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:39,615 and bin collections were cancel led, and that, Mick Lynch, 40 00:02:39,640 --> 00:02:41,335 is how you shut down a country. 41 00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:43,375 LAUGHTER 42 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:48,295 APPLAUSE 43 00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:51,015 The Labour Party have announced that, at their party conference, 44 00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:52,895 they will sing God Save The King 45 00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:56,575 after years of refusing to sing God Save The Queen. 46 00:02:56,600 --> 00:02:59,855 Wow, they really DO have a problem with female leaders. 47 00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:01,815 AUDIENCE: Oh! 48 00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:05,175 APPLAUSE 49 00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:09,775 What BBC show is Prince Charles set to appear on? The Repair Shop. Yes. 50 00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:13,735 The Repair Shop - he's taking in Prince Andrew's reputation to see what they can do about it. 51 00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:17,455 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 52 00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:20,615 MIMICS KING CHARLES: It's been in the family for years. 53 00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:22,935 LAUGHTER 54 00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:26,095 In more cheerful news, The Royal Mint has now fixed a date 55 00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:28,215 for King Charles's head to go on the money, 56 00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:31,775 so look out for that on the new £1,000 coin. 57 00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:37,255 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 58 00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:40,775 Getting the drink in. 59 00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:42,815 LAUGHTER 60 00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:45,655 Is he taking urine samples? 61 00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:48,575 I think you'll find he's been taking the piss for quite some time. 62 00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:52,095 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 63 00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:54,935 It was more than a party, wasn't it? It was several par... 64 00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:56,655 It was like an orgy! 65 00:03:56,680 --> 00:04:01,015 They were told to leave by four in the morning. Is that a party? 66 00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:04,895 I've not been to parties like that. That's the Tory Party. 67 00:04:04,920 --> 00:04:07,335 Yes, this is the news that Boris johns on is not technically 68 00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:09,975 a criminal, but has successfully become the first sitting 69 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:13,215 Prime Minister to have broken the law. The Met Police 70 00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:16,015 have issued him with a fixed penalty notice for attending... 71 00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:21,175 It's a lot in one day, isn't it? It is, yeah! 72 00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:23,695 LAUGHTER 73 00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:27,055 Nine minutes at each one, I mean, it soon adds up. 74 00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:29,135 Don't you think you guys are being a bit unfair? 75 00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:31,255 He's the ruler of our country. He should be allowed 76 00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:33,255 to flex a little bit. I mean, 77 00:04:33,280 --> 00:04:35,815 other rulers are having people dismembered, 78 00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:40,695 and we're angry because our guy shook a leg? Like, come on! 79 00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:45,375 It's just a house party. just let him live, God! 80 00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:46,855 I WOULD let him live. I'm not... 81 00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:49,095 LAUGHTER Yeah. 82 00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:52,015 I'm not advocating the death penalty. I think we don't have to go 83 00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:54,695 that far, but... I mean, Matt Hancock, 84 00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:57,775 who was having a party for two people in the cupboard... 85 00:04:57,800 --> 00:05:03,615 LAUGHTER 86 00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:07,375 ...he had to resign. And that was bring-your-own, wasn't it? 87 00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:10,775 LAUGHTER 88 00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:14,015 Ancl why hasn't the entire Tory Party resigned, all of them? 89 00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:15,975 They supported him, why don't they leave now? 90 00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:17,655 They're the party of law and order. 91 00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:20,935 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 92 00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:24,615 There was a great one from Dominic Raab 93 00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:28,415 who said that the Prime Minister had been as honest as he could be. 94 00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:30,295 LAUGHTER 95 00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:33,375 Who, do you know, has been leaping to the Prime Minister's defence 96 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:36,815 AGAIN this week? Oh, it must be Jacob Rees—Mogg. 97 00:05:36,840 --> 00:05:39,975 Do you know what he said? God knows, who cares? 98 00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:44,015 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 99 00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:48,535 He's been counting in and out civil servants of departments 100 00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:52,015 cos he wants to end the work from home culture. Yeah. 101 00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:54,615 I actually feel a bit sorry for these civil servants, though, 102 00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:56,695 cos I think they're actually working from home 103 00:05:56,720 --> 00:06:00,575 cos they're scared of being accosted by cake. 104 00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:03,135 He thinks people are taking advantage of working from home 105 00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:08,695 to work less hard. Here's Jacob Rees-Mogg in HIS place of work. 106 00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:10,215 LAUGHTER 107 00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:12,975 He's lying in the House of Commons! 108 00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:16,415 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 109 00:06:16,440 --> 00:06:19,535 He resigned shortly before he was sacked. 110 00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:22,495 Yep. We've got his resignation letter here. 111 00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:26,335 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 112 00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:28,655 What's that? It's written in Latin... It's in Latin! 113 00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:31,655 It looks like an extract from the Bible. 114 00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:35,015 What's worrying Labour MPs as elections approach? 115 00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:37,495 They're up against the worst government of all time 116 00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:41,975 and they still can't land a punch on them? 117 00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:44,295 First of all, they're worried that Labour leader 118 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:47,895 Keir Starmer lacks charisma and isn't attracting voters. 119 00:06:47,920 --> 00:06:49,455 One Labour MP said... 120 00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:57,575 A bit like me outside a wholefood shop. 121 00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:02,175 And another senior Labour source said... 122 00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:10,495 I don't want to go in too hard on him, but he looks like the type 123 00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:14,615 of guy that would cut your grass when you go on holiday. 124 00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:16,775 LAUGHTER 125 00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:19,975 "I was doing mine so I thought I would just do yours." 126 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:22,215 LAUGHTER 127 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:27,055 I think as the British people, we don't know what we want, do we? 128 00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:29,935 We take the mickey out of Boris for being, like, a cartoon character 129 00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:32,095 of an idiot and then we moan 130 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:35,695 because the other fella's just too normal and boring. 131 00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:39,255 I think maybe they should just have sex and see what comes out. 132 00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:41,335 LAUGHTER 133 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:45,015 I think that's the most unpleasant thing I've ever heard on this show. 134 00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:48,655 LAUGHTER By quite a long way. 135 00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:51,135 A boring man you can't trust. 136 00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:54,415 LAUGHTER 137 00:07:54,440 --> 00:08:00,055 Not everyone abandoned Boris, though. Who pledged undying support? 138 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:02,215 Nadine Dorries. Nadine Dorries. Nadine Dorries. 139 00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:05,975 What might Boris already have given Nadine? Really? 140 00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:07,855 LAUGHTER 141 00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:11,775 No! It is rumoured that she has been promised 142 00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:14,735 a peerage in Johnson's resignation hon ours list. 143 00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:17,615 A select list of about 300 people. 144 00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:20,055 No-one's sure what her official title will be. 145 00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:22,975 Ladbrokes favourite is Lady Barking. 146 00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:25,215 LAUGHTER 147 00:08:25,240 --> 00:08:28,815 This is the story about Angela Rayner and Keir Starmer 148 00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:31,055 possibly breaking lockdown rules? Yes. 149 00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:35,135 This is Keir and a beer and a mattar paneer. 150 00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:36,855 LAUGHTER 151 00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:40,655 Back in February he was investigated by police over a potentially 152 00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:43,735 legal gathering in 2021 in the Durham Miners Hall 153 00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:46,335 where, according to The Sun, Keir Starmer... 154 00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:52,375 ...a San Miguel... Is that that the true quote? He quaffed? Yeah. Yeah. 155 00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:53,735 ...a San Miguel lager... 156 00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:56,055 LAUGHTER 157 00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:59,135 He quaffed it, Maisie! 158 00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:00,455 And... 159 00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:04,295 LAUGHTER 160 00:09:04,320 --> 00:09:08,375 ...a curry. Also according to an anonymous person who was there 161 00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:10,855 and who messaged the PoliticsjOE website... 162 00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:16,895 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 163 00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:23,455 Some Tory MPs are still saying the party investigation 164 00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:25,135 is a waste of police resources, 165 00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:27,775 and the Met needs to get back to what it does best. 166 00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:31,095 WhatsApping racist and sexist abuse to each other. 167 00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:33,015 LAUGHTER 168 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:36,215 It's looking like the next Prime Minister will be Liz Truss. 169 00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:37,855 Don't take my word for it, 170 00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:40,495 it's right there in the Book of Revelation. 171 00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:43,935 LAUGHTER 172 00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:47,495 Ah, this is the referendum, is it? 173 00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:52,695 Oh, and this is fun. "You're a murderer." "No, you are." 174 00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:54,575 Ah, no fry zone. 175 00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:56,975 LAUGHTER 176 00:09:57,000 --> 00:10:00,415 There's nowhere to go after that. 177 00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:02,975 The good news is that the world is still intact. 178 00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:04,935 We're all still here. 179 00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:08,975 Well, you don't know. There's the repeat to think about. Yeah. 180 00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:11,735 If the globe is wiped out via a nuclear holocaust, 181 00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:13,335 won't YOU look silly? 182 00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:17,775 LAUGHTER 183 00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:21,095 Did you see what George Bush has had to say about the conflict this week? 184 00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:24,375 Oh, yeah, it's absolutely spectacularly bad. 185 00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:26,095 Let's have a look, here's George Bush. 186 00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:28,895 Russian elections are rigged, 187 00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:33,095 political opponents are imprisoned or otherwise eliminated 188 00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:37,015 from participating in the electoral process. 189 00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:41,775 The result is an absence of checks and balances in Russia, 190 00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:47,975 and the decision of one man to launch a wholly unjustified 191 00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:50,815 and brutal invasion of Iraq... 192 00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:52,215 Of Ukraine. 193 00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:55,895 STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGH 194 00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:58,175 Oh, God! 195 00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:01,695 Do you think he was coached to say, "Look, don't say Iraq"? 196 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:03,535 LAUGHTER 197 00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:07,255 Because somebody could say, "Don't say it, don't say Iraq." 198 00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:11,175 "Yeah, I won't say that." "I won't say Iraq. Iraq." 199 00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:14,055 He will have come home that night going, 200 00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:19,855 "Oh, I did the silliest thing at work. Oh!" 201 00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:23,175 Now, it was Vladimir Putin's 70th birthday last week. 202 00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:25,695 What was his gift from the president of Tajikistan? 203 00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:27,015 BUZZER 204 00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:29,335 I'm the only one who took an interest in this. Yeah, go on. 205 00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:31,655 He was given a pyramid of melons. 206 00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:35,695 LAUGHTER 207 00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:37,735 Well, let's have a look. 208 00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:39,815 JESS: Aw...! 209 00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:42,135 I mean, that's why you'd rather have a voucher. 210 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:44,215 LAUGHTER 211 00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:47,695 Yes, this is the latest from Russia's invasion of Ukraine. 212 00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:49,935 According to one newspaper, Putin's reservists 213 00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:52,015 have been told to pack... 214 00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:56,095 And in the event of a nuclear strike, 215 00:11:56,120 --> 00:12:00,335 a small tube of Ambre Solaire, factor 20. 216 00:12:00,360 --> 00:12:03,535 Last week, Boris Johnson flew to Kyiv. 217 00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:09,255 ...said President Zelensky. 218 00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:11,455 LAUGHTER 219 00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:17,255 This the last Prime Minister but three. 220 00:12:17,280 --> 00:12:20,255 What a clay. It has been tough... LAUGHTER 221 00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:22,295 He's always been a bell-end. 222 00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:25,415 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 223 00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:28,095 Ah! 224 00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:31,975 The fact that you guys are 90,000 points ahead in the polls... Yeah. 225 00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:35,495 Does that not scare them? They don't seem to have noticed! 226 00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:36,935 It scares me. 227 00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:38,975 LAUGHTER 228 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:42,935 On current polling there would be, like, three Tories left. Yeah. 229 00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:45,295 Like, three... lain Duncan Smith. 230 00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:49,855 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 231 00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:52,455 The Times called last Monday a... 232 00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:55,815 The Independent called it an... 233 00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:57,335 The Daily Star had... 234 00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:00,535 LAUGHTER AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE 235 00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:03,295 The New European just went with this... 236 00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:06,495 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 237 00:13:06,520 --> 00:13:08,895 The Government's going to punish these people... Oh, yes. 238 00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:11,935 ...by taking the cap off their bonuses. Well... 239 00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:14,295 What we learned with the pandemic is that 240 00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:17,015 the people that keep the country going are our essential workers. 241 00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:19,895 We weren't clapping on a Thursday for hedge-fund investors, were we? 242 00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:25,495 APPLAUSE 243 00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:28,575 You weren't clapping then for hedge-fund investors? 244 00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:30,975 Is Liz Truss the first Prime Minister 245 00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:32,815 to have gone to comprehensive school? 246 00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:35,015 Theresa May's school was a comprehensive school? 247 00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:37,575 No, it was selective. As was Gordon Brown's school. 248 00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:40,015 What about john Major? Selective. 249 00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:43,335 The key word is selective, cos no-one chose Liz Truss. 250 00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:46,335 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 251 00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:49,455 I was intrigued when Angela Rayner said that some people think that, 252 00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:52,015 "Because I had a comprehensive school education, I wouldn't 253 00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:54,695 "be able to match Boris in debate because he has 254 00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:57,615 "an Oxford University education." And I wondered whether there had 255 00:13:57,640 --> 00:14:00,535 been any kind of public experiment over the last 32 years 256 00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:03,055 where two people with a similar educational background, 257 00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:06,175 one who had been to Oxford, one who had been to a comprehensive school, 258 00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:10,615 where perhaps their various wits could be tested via, let's say, a... 259 00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:13,175 ...a TV news quiz... 260 00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:17,455 APPLAUSE 261 00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:19,735 ...and whether those results 262 00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:23,655 are now ready to be published. I think it's too early, 263 00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:28,455 I think we've got to wait until the Sue Gray report has come out 264 00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:31,975 and then the police will look into whether the competition 265 00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:36,815 has been rigged for 32 years, which...it has. 266 00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:38,335 Ancl now she's gone. In fact, 267 00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:40,735 her whole career was one enormous U-turn. 268 00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:44,695 She walked into Downing Street and then she walked... 269 00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:48,295 ...straight out again. She didn't drag it out. No, no, no. 270 00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:51,175 They dragged her out. Yeah. 271 00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:53,615 JO: Did you notice, though, that when she was giving her 272 00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:56,815 resignation speech she was sort of weirdly smiling quite a lot? 273 00:14:56,840 --> 00:15:00,015 I thought "Oh, she's got Christmas Strictly." 274 00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:02,535 LOUD LAUGHTER 275 00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:05,615 We used to have quite a good reputation in the world 276 00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:08,695 for stability and I understand that has now gone. 277 00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:11,415 Well, we can find out what they think. Let's find out. 278 00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:13,375 Can Liz Truss outlast the ten-day 279 00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:15,255 shelf life of a lettuce? 280 00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:18,375 FRENCH COMMENTARY 281 00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:26,455 SHE SPEAKS GERMAN 282 00:15:26,480 --> 00:15:30,415 "..I'm fucking furious and I don't fucking care any more." 283 00:15:30,440 --> 00:15:33,495 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 284 00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:39,695 Fracking, fracking. Keep fracking. Fracking. 285 00:15:39,720 --> 00:15:42,615 I'm sure that's what she meant to say. Yeah. 286 00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:45,935 The anti-Truss MPs apparently discussed a plot to oust her 287 00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:49,895 this week over a curry, leading The Sun to label them... 288 00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:53,615 LAUGHTER 289 00:15:53,640 --> 00:15:55,255 ...which would explain this headline. 290 00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:00,415 Here it is. 291 00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:03,015 LAUGHTER 292 00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:06,535 APPLAUSE 293 00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:09,575 After the fracking vote, there were reports that one Tory MP 294 00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:12,375 was roughed up outside the division lobbies. 295 00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:16,495 I imagine he ended up with his ayes to the right and his noes to the left. 296 00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:19,735 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 297 00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:25,055 There's a happy man filling up his petrol...his car with petrol. 298 00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:26,775 He's being heckled. 299 00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:29,815 LAUGHTER 300 00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:33,415 So we've got another Prime Minister. Yeah. Ancl I think this program me 301 00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:37,255 goes out in time for that to be an accurate statement. 302 00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:38,975 It's a nice change for us. 303 00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:41,655 I noticed that the Queen, the longest reining monarch 304 00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:44,295 coincided with the shortest Prime Minister term 305 00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:47,375 and if every Prime Minister under the Queen had lasted the same 306 00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:53,095 length of time as Liz Truss, she would have had 560 Prime Ministers. 307 00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:56,575 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 308 00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:02,935 What did Rishi Sunak enter Downing Street without? 309 00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:04,455 A mandate. 310 00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:09,535 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 311 00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:14,055 He went in without his wife. Boris Johnson did that repeatedly! 312 00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:16,975 LAUGHTER 313 00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:19,175 Is it cos he tried to explain to her what a "flat" was 314 00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:21,735 and she was like, "I'm not having any of it." 315 00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:23,255 We've talked about Rishi Sunak, 316 00:17:23,280 --> 00:17:26,255 showing that he knows how to fill a car with petrol. 317 00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:28,455 But what later emerged? 318 00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:32,775 It wasn't his car. Exactly. Really?! Exactly. 319 00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:35,975 It wasn't his car. He'd borrowed it from a Sainsbury's employee. 320 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:39,015 Even more embarrassing - it was electric. 321 00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:42,735 LAUGHTER 322 00:17:42,760 --> 00:17:45,935 Rishi and his wife are worth £730 million, 323 00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:50,455 plus they'll get £400 energy relief... 324 00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:53,215 APPLAUSE 325 00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,975 After delivering his spring statement, Rishi Sunak was pictured 326 00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:57,655 filling up a car with petrol. 327 00:17:57,680 --> 00:18:00,695 The press instantly twigged that it wasn't Sunak's car, 328 00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:03,695 as the driver's side had no booster seat. 329 00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:08,695 LAUGHTER 330 00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:18,295 So this is Wayne Rooney, obviously, top England goal scorer, 331 00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:20,975 back in the clay. His wife Coleen Rooney. Yeah. 332 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:24,335 Ancl then this is Rebekah Vardy. Have you been following this? 333 00:18:24,360 --> 00:18:27,655 I've wasted the last three clays of my life following this. 334 00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:31,415 So this is Wagatha Christie. Wagatha Christie. Yeah. 335 00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:35,215 It was about football. Yeah, well... Which is why I was so interested. 336 00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:36,535 LAUGHTER 337 00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:38,775 Technically, Wayne, as England captain, 338 00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:41,935 had to have a talk with Jamie Vardy to say, 339 00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:43,855 "Get your wag in order, mate." 340 00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:47,095 LAUGHTER 341 00:18:47,120 --> 00:18:50,895 Coleen Rooney's been trying to prove that Rebekah has leaked things 342 00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:54,695 in the past, one of them being this story about Peter Andre 343 00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:59,615 that he's got... His manhood is equivalent to a chipolata 344 00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:04,015 after an encounter with her. And it's come out... Is that her fault? 345 00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:06,615 LAUGHTER 346 00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:08,935 Nothing actually happened, apparently, between them. 347 00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:11,215 It does say on the packet "prick with a fork" 348 00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:13,735 Has that got anything to do with it? 349 00:19:13,760 --> 00:19:16,455 I know Peter Andre and he was telling me 350 00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:18,895 that Rebekah Vardy has got a humungous vagina. 351 00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:21,935 LAUGHTER 352 00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:25,015 APPLAUSE 353 00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:27,495 This is the thrilling end-of-season clash 354 00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:30,695 between Coleen Rooney and Rebekah Vardy. Wayne Rooney claimed 355 00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:33,415 he had been completely unaware of what his wife was doing. 356 00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:40,375 As anyone in a long-term relationship knows, 357 00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:43,335 there is a difference between hearing and listening. 358 00:19:43,360 --> 00:19:45,135 LAUGHTER 359 00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:47,655 Two things my wife often says to me are, 360 00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:50,775 "You never listen," and, uh... And something else. 361 00:19:50,800 --> 00:19:53,815 LAUGHTER 362 00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:03,175 Is this Neil Parish? Yes. Yes. He resigned after being spotted 363 00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:05,215 watching pornography in the House of Commons. 364 00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:08,815 But I noticed that he was watching porn both in the House of Commons 365 00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:11,975 in the Chamber AND at a select committee hearing. 366 00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:15,015 Ancl you think, "Have you got nothing else to do?" 367 00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:17,735 Yeah, but it's true, though, isn't it, on film sets 368 00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:21,015 when they make pornographic films, to get the participants in the mood 369 00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:24,095 they read out loud the minutes of Parliamentary select committee... 370 00:20:24,120 --> 00:20:29,815 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 371 00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:31,815 What did he initially say, 372 00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:35,175 other than being on a combine harvester website? 373 00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:37,455 He didn't say he was going to resign straight away. 374 00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:40,495 No, he said there should be an enquiry into who it was. Exactly. 375 00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:43,295 That is the maddest bit, is he went on camera being like, 376 00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:47,255 "We need to find whoever it was that did this 377 00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:51,415 "cos they sound really messed up." Like... To be fair, he apologised 378 00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:54,335 to his wife, and it really was a message to wives everywhere. 379 00:20:57,000 --> 00:21:01,135 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 380 00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:03,695 It's an evergreen statement. 381 00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:07,975 Conservative MP Neil Parish resigned after watching pornography 382 00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,135 in the House of Commons. 383 00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:11,935 The Daily Mail described Neil Parish as an MP... 384 00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:17,975 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 385 00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:20,175 Oh, no! 386 00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:24,575 Time now for the Odd One Out round. 387 00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:26,295 Wiltshire Council workers, 388 00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:27,975 john Mytton MP, 389 00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:29,535 Jeremy Clarks on 390 00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:31,015 and Jacob Rees-Mogg. 391 00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:34,255 Is that a giant traffic cone or a very small man? 392 00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:36,015 LAUGHTER 393 00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:38,895 A clue - it's about... If you think about Clark son's farm, 394 00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:41,935 think about how it's doing. It's not doing very well. 395 00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:43,815 That's right. It's doing very badly. 396 00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:46,455 And so Jacob Rees—Mogg is the only one that's been making money 397 00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:49,135 in recent times. john Mytton hasn't made any money since 1802 398 00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:51,175 because he's dead. Erm... 399 00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:54,535 The man from the council can't get any work because he's too tiny. 400 00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:56,055 LAUGHTER 401 00:21:56,080 --> 00:21:58,455 He goes into the depot and he's got this very squeaky voice, 402 00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:01,495 and they can't hear him. So Jacob Rees-Mogg is the only one 403 00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:05,215 who's making any money cos he's invested in Russia. 404 00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:07,775 True, but not the answer we're looking for. Oh. 405 00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:10,895 LAUGHTER I will give you the answer. 406 00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:14,375 It is that they have all been accused of being inefficient 407 00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:16,175 apart from Jacob Rees-Mogg... Yeah? 408 00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:20,335 ...because he is the Government's head of efficiency. 409 00:22:20,360 --> 00:22:24,095 Now, Jeremy Clark son's farm. Anyone know what it's called? 410 00:22:24,120 --> 00:22:25,615 It's called Diddly Squat. 411 00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:29,335 And how much declared profit did it make in the last year? 412 00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:33,535 None. Pretty close, £144. 413 00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:36,415 What were some of his financial bad decisions? 414 00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:38,335 Buying a farm. Yeah! 415 00:22:38,360 --> 00:22:42,215 LAUGHTER 416 00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:45,175 Yeah. He bought a £40,000 Lamborghini tractor, 417 00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:48,175 which was too big, and... 418 00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:54,055 ...which led to them... 419 00:22:56,720 --> 00:22:59,015 Now, how has Wiltshire Council been inefficient? 420 00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:02,415 They're employing paint men who are far too small. 421 00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:05,895 They were widely mocked for painting this wonky line 422 00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:08,335 in a village footpath. Oh! 423 00:23:08,360 --> 00:23:11,575 LAUGHTER 424 00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:13,375 Wiltshire Council sprang into action 425 00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:16,855 and rectified the problem by removing the white line. 426 00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:19,895 LAUGHTER 427 00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:28,015 Now, the other person in the round, john Mytton.john Mytton, yeah. 428 00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:31,575 John "Mad jack" Mytton, he couldn't be bothered to campaign 429 00:23:31,600 --> 00:23:35,655 for election, so he just bribed constituents with £10 notes, 430 00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:39,015 equivalent to around £1,000 today. 431 00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:42,495 But then he found his time in the House of Commons boring and... 432 00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:47,695 It turns out that during his first year of running a farm 433 00:23:47,720 --> 00:23:50,975 for a TV series, Jeremy Clarks on spent £40,000 434 00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:54,055 on farm equipment manufactured by Lamborghini. 435 00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:56,535 Still, not the only person in the public eye recently to be 436 00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:59,015 embarrassed by splashing out on a tractor. 437 00:23:59,040 --> 00:24:01,055 SHOCKED LAUGHTER 438 00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:03,655 SCATTERED APPLAUSE 439 00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:06,215 That got applause! 440 00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:08,055 Let's hope it was applause. 441 00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:12,335 LAUGHTER 442 00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:19,095 Time now for the Missing Words round and we start with... 443 00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:26,575 Vulgar fractions no longer considered too rude for mathematicians. 444 00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:29,535 It was a good joke. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 445 00:24:29,560 --> 00:24:31,855 I know it confuses people when I say something clever, 446 00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:34,455 but you've got to live with it. 447 00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:40,575 It's outrageous that the name Dickens was banned by TikTok 448 00:24:40,600 --> 00:24:43,295 for being too rude, said the head of the Charles Dickens Museum, 449 00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:44,935 Willy Cocksplotch. 450 00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:49,855 LAUGHTER 451 00:24:49,880 --> 00:24:52,855 What is going on? It's amazing to see somebody's reputation 452 00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:55,295 sink before our very eyes. just go... 453 00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:57,975 "Dear BBC, 454 00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:01,295 "I was appalled to see the voice of the nation..." 455 00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:05,375 Oh, dear! "..talking about someone called Willy Cocksplotch." 456 00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:10,935 Willy Cocksplotch. "Yours sincerely, Mrs Willy Cocksplotch." 457 00:25:10,960 --> 00:25:11,975 Next... 458 00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:19,575 PHIL: Party found in stunned homeowner's ground floor offices. 459 00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:22,975 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 460 00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:25,335 It's somebody's face. JOAN: Mona Lisa. 461 00:25:25,360 --> 00:25:26,615 Mona Lisa... 462 00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:29,575 I mean, you might want to compare the two, equally beautiful. 463 00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:34,895 Isobel Haldane discovered the wizard's face 464 00:25:34,920 --> 00:25:37,175 in the floor of her Scottish home. 465 00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:39,695 LAUGHTER 466 00:25:43,200 --> 00:25:46,055 PHIL: That's Gandalf the Grain. 467 00:25:46,080 --> 00:25:50,095 GROANING, LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 468 00:25:50,120 --> 00:25:51,135 Next... 469 00:25:54,640 --> 00:25:57,335 JAMIE: Tupperware, but it'll cost you freezer space. 470 00:25:57,360 --> 00:25:59,615 LAUGHTER 471 00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:02,495 You can now buy... What? What can you buy? 472 00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:08,975 Yeah, and your mental health. 473 00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:13,375 Who's going to buy designer trainers for a horse?! Here they are. 474 00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:15,415 No! 475 00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:18,095 This is the news that a shop called Horse Kicks 476 00:26:18,120 --> 00:26:20,775 will sell you designer trainers for your horse 477 00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:24,415 and not, as you might have assumed, Ketamine. 478 00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:30,375 Ian, have you ever tried Ketamine? Yeah. Yes, I have. 479 00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:33,855 What happened? He slept through one Prime Minister. 480 00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:37,575 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 481 00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:38,695 Lastly... 482 00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:45,095 I saw this. Haven't they dyed everything horrible colours, 483 00:26:45,120 --> 00:26:48,335 like, made the chips red, white and blue or something like that? 484 00:26:48,360 --> 00:26:52,375 Creating a Union jack fish supper. It's absolutely the right answer. 485 00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:58,575 This is what they're offering. 486 00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:00,335 AUDIENCE GROANS 487 00:27:00,360 --> 00:27:02,615 Where I come from, we have orange chips. 488 00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:05,575 That's, like, an actual thing in the Midlands. Orange chips? 489 00:27:05,600 --> 00:27:08,015 They're like battered chips, but they put orange dye in it. 490 00:27:08,040 --> 00:27:11,695 Ancl you have orange chips. Oh, sweet potato fries? 491 00:27:11,720 --> 00:27:15,655 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 492 00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:21,215 But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition. 493 00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:24,815 NASA astronauts still working from home. 494 00:27:24,840 --> 00:27:27,255 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Very good. 495 00:27:31,440 --> 00:27:34,735 Dilyn the dog in Downing Street reflects on a job half done. 496 00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:37,615 LAUGHTER 497 00:27:37,640 --> 00:27:40,295 Man in Shropshire frightens people in Australia. 498 00:27:40,320 --> 00:27:42,775 LAUGHTER 499 00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:45,295 Man who jumped out of plane without parachute wins coveted 500 00:27:45,320 --> 00:27:47,935 Dog Chair Cup Newspaper award. 501 00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:52,135 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 502 00:27:52,160 --> 00:27:54,735 And I leave you with news that, at a fun run in Suffolk, 503 00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:58,135 someone shouts, "Oi, tosser," from the sidelines. 504 00:27:58,160 --> 00:28:00,855 LAUGHTER 505 00:28:00,880 --> 00:28:03,935 At a police station in Karachi, an old lady realises it could have been 506 00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:08,095 any of the men in the identity parade who stole her pet budgie. 507 00:28:08,120 --> 00:28:10,335 LAUGHTER 508 00:28:10,360 --> 00:28:12,935 And the world of children's entertainment was in mourning 509 00:28:12,960 --> 00:28:15,655 this week after the sad news that Bungle from Rainbow 510 00:28:15,680 --> 00:28:18,375 had been found unresponsive in his Surrey flat. 511 00:28:19,840 --> 00:28:21,775 LAUGHTER 512 00:28:21,800 --> 00:28:23,215 Goodnight! 513 00:28:23,240 --> 00:28:27,255 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE