This program me contains some strong language
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello and welcome to Have I Got 2022 For you. I'm Gary Neville...
|'mjo Brand. I'm Richard Ayoade. I'm Anna Maxwell Martin.
I'm Clive Myrie. In the news this week,
on the outskirts of Kharkiv,
as a Russian military convoy prepares to advance,
the Ukrainian Highways Agency
finds an effective new way to signal its disapproval.
LAUGHTER
More frustration for King Charles as he drops his fountain pen
and it rolls under the sofa.
LAUGHTER
And there's evidence that before the Johnsons got married,
Boris was given a graphic warning by Carrie's mum.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Yes, that's the queues, the big, big queues.
There's Holly Willoughby and Phillip Schofield.
She's wearing a mask cos clearly she's allergic to Phillip Schofield.
People liked the experience of queuing, they liked being there,
and when they thought someone had jumped the queue,
people got very cross.
To be fair, Charles has been queuing for quite some time.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Holly and Phil were accused of going there to make a piece
and then just going in anyway.
They've apparently just appeared in Westminster Hall on Sunday.
Just appeared? just appeared there. Like a haunting? Exactly.
Without having spent the previous 36 hours queuing.
There's a huge petition. What, to stop them jumping queues?
To say, A, don't jump any queues, and, B, the death penalty.
Is there a queue to sign the petition? I tried to sign it
but this stinking pen didn't bloody work.
APPLAUSE
In case you missed it,
this is the news that Her Majesty the Queen passed away,
and her funeral took place on Monday. On the day of the funeral,
businesses closed their doors, supermarkets didn't open,
and bin collections were cancel led, and that, Mick Lynch,
is how you shut down a country.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
The Labour Party have announced that, at their party conference,
they will sing God Save The King
after years of refusing to sing God Save The Queen.
Wow, they really DO have a problem with female leaders.
AUDIENCE: Oh!
APPLAUSE
What BBC show is Prince Charles set to appear on? The Repair Shop. Yes.
The Repair Shop - he's taking in Prince Andrew's reputation to see what they can do about it.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
MIMICS KING CHARLES: It's been in the family for years.
LAUGHTER
In more cheerful news, The Royal Mint has now fixed a date
for King Charles's head to go on the money,
so look out for that on the new £1,000 coin.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Getting the drink in.
LAUGHTER
Is he taking urine samples?
I think you'll find he's been taking the piss for quite some time.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It was more than a party, wasn't it? It was several par...
It was like an orgy!
They were told to leave by four in the morning. Is that a party?
I've not been to parties like that. That's the Tory Party.
Yes, this is the news that Boris johns on is not technically
a criminal, but has successfully become the first sitting
Prime Minister to have broken the law. The Met Police
have issued him with a fixed penalty notice for attending...
It's a lot in one day, isn't it? It is, yeah!
LAUGHTER
Nine minutes at each one, I mean, it soon adds up.
Don't you think you guys are being a bit unfair?
He's the ruler of our country. He should be allowed
to flex a little bit. I mean,
other rulers are having people dismembered,
and we're angry because our guy shook a leg? Like, come on!
It's just a house party. just let him live, God!
I WOULD let him live. I'm not...
LAUGHTER Yeah.
I'm not advocating the death penalty. I think we don't have to go
that far, but... I mean, Matt Hancock,
who was having a party for two people in the cupboard...
LAUGHTER
...he had to resign. And that was bring-your-own, wasn't it?
LAUGHTER
Ancl why hasn't the entire Tory Party resigned, all of them?
They supported him, why don't they leave now?
They're the party of law and order.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
There was a great one from Dominic Raab
who said that the Prime Minister had been as honest as he could be.
LAUGHTER
Who, do you know, has been leaping to the Prime Minister's defence
AGAIN this week? Oh, it must be Jacob Rees—Mogg.
Do you know what he said? God knows, who cares?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
He's been counting in and out civil servants of departments
cos he wants to end the work from home culture. Yeah.
I actually feel a bit sorry for these civil servants, though,
cos I think they're actually working from home
cos they're scared of being accosted by cake.
He thinks people are taking advantage of working from home
to work less hard. Here's Jacob Rees-Mogg in HIS place of work.
LAUGHTER
He's lying in the House of Commons!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
He resigned shortly before he was sacked.
Yep. We've got his resignation letter here.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
What's that? It's written in Latin... It's in Latin!
It looks like an extract from the Bible.
What's worrying Labour MPs as elections approach?
They're up against the worst government of all time
and they still can't land a punch on them?
First of all, they're worried that Labour leader
Keir Starmer lacks charisma and isn't attracting voters.
One Labour MP said...
A bit like me outside a wholefood shop.
And another senior Labour source said...
I don't want to go in too hard on him, but he looks like the type
of guy that would cut your grass when you go on holiday.
LAUGHTER
"I was doing mine so I thought I would just do yours."
LAUGHTER
I think as the British people, we don't know what we want, do we?
We take the mickey out of Boris for being, like, a cartoon character
of an idiot and then we moan
because the other fella's just too normal and boring.
I think maybe they should just have sex and see what comes out.
LAUGHTER
I think that's the most unpleasant thing I've ever heard on this show.
LAUGHTER By quite a long way.
A boring man you can't trust.
LAUGHTER
Not everyone abandoned Boris, though. Who pledged undying support?
Nadine Dorries. Nadine Dorries. Nadine Dorries.
What might Boris already have given Nadine? Really?
LAUGHTER
No! It is rumoured that she has been promised
a peerage in Johnson's resignation hon ours list.
A select list of about 300 people.
No-one's sure what her official title will be.
Ladbrokes favourite is Lady Barking.
LAUGHTER
This is the story about Angela Rayner and Keir Starmer
possibly breaking lockdown rules? Yes.
This is Keir and a beer and a mattar paneer.
LAUGHTER
Back in February he was investigated by police over a potentially
legal gathering in 2021 in the Durham Miners Hall
where, according to The Sun, Keir Starmer...
...a San Miguel... Is that that the true quote? He quaffed? Yeah. Yeah.
...a San Miguel lager...
LAUGHTER
He quaffed it, Maisie!
And...
LAUGHTER
...a curry. Also according to an anonymous person who was there
and who messaged the PoliticsjOE website...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Some Tory MPs are still saying the party investigation
is a waste of police resources,
and the Met needs to get back to what it does best.
WhatsApping racist and sexist abuse to each other.
LAUGHTER
It's looking like the next Prime Minister will be Liz Truss.
Don't take my word for it,
it's right there in the Book of Revelation.
LAUGHTER
Ah, this is the referendum, is it?
Oh, and this is fun. "You're a murderer." "No, you are."
Ah, no fry zone.
LAUGHTER
There's nowhere to go after that.
The good news is that the world is still intact.
We're all still here.
Well, you don't know. There's the repeat to think about. Yeah.
If the globe is wiped out via a nuclear holocaust,
won't YOU look silly?
LAUGHTER
Did you see what George Bush has had to say about the conflict this week?
Oh, yeah, it's absolutely spectacularly bad.
Let's have a look, here's George Bush.
Russian elections are rigged,
political opponents are imprisoned or otherwise eliminated
from participating in the electoral process.
The result is an absence of checks and balances in Russia,
and the decision of one man to launch a wholly unjustified
and brutal invasion of Iraq...
Of Ukraine.
STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGH
Oh, God!
Do you think he was coached to say, "Look, don't say Iraq"?
LAUGHTER
Because somebody could say, "Don't say it, don't say Iraq."
"Yeah, I won't say that." "I won't say Iraq. Iraq."
He will have come home that night going,
"Oh, I did the silliest thing at work. Oh!"
Now, it was Vladimir Putin's 70th birthday last week.
What was his gift from the president of Tajikistan?
BUZZER
I'm the only one who took an interest in this. Yeah, go on.
He was given a pyramid of melons.
LAUGHTER
Well, let's have a look.
JESS: Aw...!
I mean, that's why you'd rather have a voucher.
LAUGHTER
Yes, this is the latest from Russia's invasion of Ukraine.
According to one newspaper, Putin's reservists
have been told to pack...
And in the event of a nuclear strike,
a small tube of Ambre Solaire, factor 20.
Last week, Boris Johnson flew to Kyiv.
...said President Zelensky.
LAUGHTER
This the last Prime Minister but three.
What a clay. It has been tough... LAUGHTER
He's always been a bell-end.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Ah!
The fact that you guys are 90,000 points ahead in the polls... Yeah.
Does that not scare them? They don't seem to have noticed!
It scares me.
LAUGHTER
On current polling there would be, like, three Tories left. Yeah.
Like, three... lain Duncan Smith.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
The Times called last Monday a...
The Independent called it an...
The Daily Star had...
LAUGHTER AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE
The New European just went with this...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
The Government's going to punish these people... Oh, yes.
...by taking the cap off their bonuses. Well...
What we learned with the pandemic is that
the people that keep the country going are our essential workers.
We weren't clapping on a Thursday for hedge-fund investors, were we?
APPLAUSE
You weren't clapping then for hedge-fund investors?
Is Liz Truss the first Prime Minister
to have gone to comprehensive school?
Theresa May's school was a comprehensive school?
No, it was selective. As was Gordon Brown's school.
What about john Major? Selective.
The key word is selective, cos no-one chose Liz Truss.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I was intrigued when Angela Rayner said that some people think that,
"Because I had a comprehensive school education, I wouldn't
"be able to match Boris in debate because he has
"an Oxford University education." And I wondered whether there had
been any kind of public experiment over the last 32 years
where two people with a similar educational background,
one who had been to Oxford, one who had been to a comprehensive school,
where perhaps their various wits could be tested via, let's say, a...
...a TV news quiz...
APPLAUSE
...and whether those results
are now ready to be published. I think it's too early,
I think we've got to wait until the Sue Gray report has come out
and then the police will look into whether the competition
has been rigged for 32 years, which...it has.
Ancl now she's gone. In fact,
her whole career was one enormous U-turn.
She walked into Downing Street and then she walked...
...straight out again. She didn't drag it out. No, no, no.
They dragged her out. Yeah.
JO: Did you notice, though, that when she was giving her
resignation speech she was sort of weirdly smiling quite a lot?
I thought "Oh, she's got Christmas Strictly."
LOUD LAUGHTER
We used to have quite a good reputation in the world
for stability and I understand that has now gone.
Well, we can find out what they think. Let's find out.
Can Liz Truss outlast the ten-day
shelf life of a lettuce?
FRENCH COMMENTARY
SHE SPEAKS GERMAN
"..I'm fucking furious and I don't fucking care any more."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Fracking, fracking. Keep fracking. Fracking.
I'm sure that's what she meant to say. Yeah.
The anti-Truss MPs apparently discussed a plot to oust her
this week over a curry, leading The Sun to label them...
LAUGHTER
...which would explain this headline.
Here it is.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
After the fracking vote, there were reports that one Tory MP
was roughed up outside the division lobbies.
I imagine he ended up with his ayes to the right and his noes to the left.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
There's a happy man filling up his petrol...his car with petrol.
He's being heckled.
LAUGHTER
So we've got another Prime Minister. Yeah. Ancl I think this program me
goes out in time for that to be an accurate statement.
It's a nice change for us.
I noticed that the Queen, the longest reining monarch
coincided with the shortest Prime Minister term
and if every Prime Minister under the Queen had lasted the same
length of time as Liz Truss, she would have had 560 Prime Ministers.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
What did Rishi Sunak enter Downing Street without?
A mandate.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
He went in without his wife. Boris Johnson did that repeatedly!
LAUGHTER
Is it cos he tried to explain to her what a "flat" was
and she was like, "I'm not having any of it."
We've talked about Rishi Sunak,
showing that he knows how to fill a car with petrol.
But what later emerged?
It wasn't his car. Exactly. Really?! Exactly.
It wasn't his car. He'd borrowed it from a Sainsbury's employee.
Even more embarrassing - it was electric.
LAUGHTER
Rishi and his wife are worth £730 million,
plus they'll get £400 energy relief...
APPLAUSE
After delivering his spring statement, Rishi Sunak was pictured
filling up a car with petrol.
The press instantly twigged that it wasn't Sunak's car,
as the driver's side had no booster seat.
LAUGHTER
So this is Wayne Rooney, obviously, top England goal scorer,
back in the clay. His wife Coleen Rooney. Yeah.
Ancl then this is Rebekah Vardy. Have you been following this?
I've wasted the last three clays of my life following this.
So this is Wagatha Christie. Wagatha Christie. Yeah.
It was about football. Yeah, well... Which is why I was so interested.
LAUGHTER
Technically, Wayne, as England captain,
had to have a talk with Jamie Vardy to say,
"Get your wag in order, mate."
LAUGHTER
Coleen Rooney's been trying to prove that Rebekah has leaked things
in the past, one of them being this story about Peter Andre
that he's got... His manhood is equivalent to a chipolata
after an encounter with her. And it's come out... Is that her fault?
LAUGHTER
Nothing actually happened, apparently, between them.
It does say on the packet "prick with a fork"
Has that got anything to do with it?
I know Peter Andre and he was telling me
that Rebekah Vardy has got a humungous vagina.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
This is the thrilling end-of-season clash
between Coleen Rooney and Rebekah Vardy. Wayne Rooney claimed
he had been completely unaware of what his wife was doing.
As anyone in a long-term relationship knows,
there is a difference between hearing and listening.
LAUGHTER
Two things my wife often says to me are,
"You never listen," and, uh... And something else.
LAUGHTER
Is this Neil Parish? Yes. Yes. He resigned after being spotted
watching pornography in the House of Commons.
But I noticed that he was watching porn both in the House of Commons
in the Chamber AND at a select committee hearing.
Ancl you think, "Have you got nothing else to do?"
Yeah, but it's true, though, isn't it, on film sets
when they make pornographic films, to get the participants in the mood
they read out loud the minutes of Parliamentary select committee...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
What did he initially say,
other than being on a combine harvester website?
He didn't say he was going to resign straight away.
No, he said there should be an enquiry into who it was. Exactly.
That is the maddest bit, is he went on camera being like,
"We need to find whoever it was that did this
"cos they sound really messed up." Like... To be fair, he apologised
to his wife, and it really was a message to wives everywhere.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
It's an evergreen statement.
Conservative MP Neil Parish resigned after watching pornography
in the House of Commons.
The Daily Mail described Neil Parish as an MP...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Oh, no!
Time now for the Odd One Out round.
Wiltshire Council workers,
john Mytton MP,
Jeremy Clarks on
and Jacob Rees-Mogg.
Is that a giant traffic cone or a very small man?
LAUGHTER
A clue - it's about... If you think about Clark son's farm,
think about how it's doing. It's not doing very well.
That's right. It's doing very badly.
And so Jacob Rees—Mogg is the only one that's been making money
in recent times. john Mytton hasn't made any money since 1802
because he's dead. Erm...
The man from the council can't get any work because he's too tiny.
LAUGHTER
He goes into the depot and he's got this very squeaky voice,
and they can't hear him. So Jacob Rees-Mogg is the only one
who's making any money cos he's invested in Russia.
True, but not the answer we're looking for. Oh.
LAUGHTER I will give you the answer.
It is that they have all been accused of being inefficient
apart from Jacob Rees-Mogg... Yeah?
...because he is the Government's head of efficiency.
Now, Jeremy Clark son's farm. Anyone know what it's called?
It's called Diddly Squat.
And how much declared profit did it make in the last year?
None. Pretty close, £144.
What were some of his financial bad decisions?
Buying a farm. Yeah!
LAUGHTER
Yeah. He bought a £40,000 Lamborghini tractor,
which was too big, and...
...which led to them...
Now, how has Wiltshire Council been inefficient?
They're employing paint men who are far too small.
They were widely mocked for painting this wonky line
in a village footpath. Oh!
LAUGHTER
Wiltshire Council sprang into action
and rectified the problem by removing the white line.
LAUGHTER
Now, the other person in the round, john Mytton.john Mytton, yeah.
John "Mad jack" Mytton, he couldn't be bothered to campaign
for election, so he just bribed constituents with £10 notes,
equivalent to around £1,000 today.
But then he found his time in the House of Commons boring and...
It turns out that during his first year of running a farm
for a TV series, Jeremy Clarks on spent £40,000
on farm equipment manufactured by Lamborghini.
Still, not the only person in the public eye recently to be
embarrassed by splashing out on a tractor.
SHOCKED LAUGHTER
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
That got applause!
Let's hope it was applause.
LAUGHTER
Time now for the Missing Words round and we start with...
Vulgar fractions no longer considered too rude for mathematicians.
It was a good joke. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I know it confuses people when I say something clever,
but you've got to live with it.
It's outrageous that the name Dickens was banned by TikTok
for being too rude, said the head of the Charles Dickens Museum,
Willy Cocksplotch.
LAUGHTER
What is going on? It's amazing to see somebody's reputation
sink before our very eyes. just go...
"Dear BBC,
"I was appalled to see the voice of the nation..."
Oh, dear! "..talking about someone called Willy Cocksplotch."
Willy Cocksplotch. "Yours sincerely, Mrs Willy Cocksplotch."
Next...
PHIL: Party found in stunned homeowner's ground floor offices.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
It's somebody's face. JOAN: Mona Lisa.
Mona Lisa...
I mean, you might want to compare the two, equally beautiful.
Isobel Haldane discovered the wizard's face
in the floor of her Scottish home.
LAUGHTER
PHIL: That's Gandalf the Grain.
GROANING, LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Next...
JAMIE: Tupperware, but it'll cost you freezer space.
LAUGHTER
You can now buy... What? What can you buy?
Yeah, and your mental health.
Who's going to buy designer trainers for a horse?! Here they are.
No!
This is the news that a shop called Horse Kicks
will sell you designer trainers for your horse
and not, as you might have assumed, Ketamine.
Ian, have you ever tried Ketamine? Yeah. Yes, I have.
What happened? He slept through one Prime Minister.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Lastly...
I saw this. Haven't they dyed everything horrible colours,
like, made the chips red, white and blue or something like that?
Creating a Union jack fish supper. It's absolutely the right answer.
This is what they're offering.
AUDIENCE GROANS
Where I come from, we have orange chips.
That's, like, an actual thing in the Midlands. Orange chips?
They're like battered chips, but they put orange dye in it.
Ancl you have orange chips. Oh, sweet potato fries?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
NASA astronauts still working from home.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Very good.
Dilyn the dog in Downing Street reflects on a job half done.
LAUGHTER
Man in Shropshire frightens people in Australia.
LAUGHTER
Man who jumped out of plane without parachute wins coveted
Dog Chair Cup Newspaper award.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
And I leave you with news that, at a fun run in Suffolk,
someone shouts, "Oi, tosser," from the sidelines.
LAUGHTER
At a police station in Karachi, an old lady realises it could have been
any of the men in the identity parade who stole her pet budgie.
LAUGHTER
And the world of children's entertainment was in mourning
this week after the sad news that Bungle from Rainbow
had been found unresponsive in his Surrey flat.
LAUGHTER
Goodnight!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE