Nice night to be born, huh?
Apparently my birth was not considered a blessed event.
That's me in the basket and that's my mother carrying me.
And that's my mother...running away.
Well, this can still work out. Look at this place!
Oh!
Madam!
Aw... aw... aw...
Who on earth would want to abandon such a wonderful little baby boy?
On the day I was born
The nurses all gathered round
They gazed in wild wonder At the joy they had found...
But I am not dreaming.
One thing I know, and that is that there's no such thing in the world as a bad boy.
What does he know?
Bad to the bone Bad to the bone
B- b-b-b bad B- b-b-b bad
B- b-b-b bad...
What a strange-looking dog
I'll bet he's hungry.
This looks good.
B- b-b-b bad B- b-b-b bad...
Diver Dan, Diver Dan! Surface, surface!
I wanna be yours, pretty baby Yours and yours alone
I'm here to tell ya, honey I'm bad to the bone...
These are my favourite toys. Who am I kidding? They're my only toys.
That's my dad.
So you want to play rough, huh?
I was just kidding Oh, no Not the nuns, not the nuns
Bad to the bone B- b- b- b bad
Bad to the bone
Gee I wonder if penguins can fly
Help!
You see? No one really ever accepted me.
Who'd be that caring?
Who'd be that loving? Who'd be that dumb?
Listen to this. It says here that Henry is a strong name.
He's loyal and loving.
Henry? Hank. Henri. Sounds like a loser.
No, come on, think about it. Henry, Hank. Hank Aaron, that's a winner.
"How was school today, Hank?" "Great, Dad!"
- Let's put a star down next to Henry. - No, I don't like it.
What about Donald? It says Donald is wealthy and powerful.
That's the kind of kid I want.
I'll be happy no matter how he turns out.
- He'll be our child. - It won't hurt if he's chairman of the board.
So, when is your child due?
I'm not really pregnant yet. We're just planning ahead.
A little wishful thinking never hurt anyone.
Here at the clinic we pride ourselves on a 99%% success rate.
- Little Henry Healy. - Donald.
Unfortunately, there is that other 1%%.
And you're it. I'm sorry, but the test came back positive.
- Positive, that's good. - No, positive is bad.
No, positive is good, negative is bad.
No, negative is good. You see, you are positively infertile.
You mean we've been doing it every night for nothing?
Let me explain.
This is your uterus.
That purple thing is your cervix.
These green things are your fallopian tubes and this...
That's not supposed to happen. Toss me that.
This yellow thing is your ovary. Fits right in there like that.
Well, you know what? It doesn't matter.
You don't even have a yellow thing and your green thing is brown.
- Doctor, are you sure there's no hope? - None whatsoever.
But there are alternatives to having your own child.
I tried to like it at the orphanage
but then I became interested in photography.
After that, things kind of went downhill.
Eat all of your stew, children.
A growing body needs nutrition. And discipline.
If it's so nutritious, how come I don't see you eating it?
- Aw, Junior! - Junior!
I was never really sure which one I got, nutrition or discipline.
- What do they put in this stuff? - Junior, please don't get us in trouble again.
Who are they kidding?
Junior!
What happened to your lunch?
It was so delicious I just gobbled it all up!
I can't believe it. For once, you behaved yourself. Thank you, Lord!
Hey, lady, hands off the merchandise! I gotta hear out of that thing!
Ow...!
All right, mister, you know the routine. Start mopping.
Sister, I'm all packed to go.
There's my favourite little boy. I'm going to miss you so much.
Miss him? Where's he going?
Haven't you heard? I'm getting adopted. I got a new mommy and daddy and they're so nice.
- Really? - Yes.
Good little boys get good homes.
Bad little boys get something else.
Big deal. If you have to be a creep like Freddy, I don't want a family.
...a man described as evil incarnate, a man called "the fiend of the century".
Where are my cartoons?
They did me wrong They had it coming
- All 34? - You bet they did
This guy's pretty popular. He's on every channel.
Since he escaped, residents of the bordering states have been afraid to leave their home.
Beck, known infamously as the Bow Tie Killer, was recaptured this afternoon
and is now on his way back to federal prison.
I'm not a bad guy I'm just misunderstood
Nobody cares about me but me
What a good-looking guy.
Because of this attempted prison break, Beck would have to serve additional time.
When he is returned to the federal prison, Beck will be placed under...
Do you see him?
There's our boy!
Oh, honey!
You guys, I'm so excited!
Have a good day, honey.
Why don't you take a look at this adoption literature? We can talk about it tonight.
Why don't you? I don't wear second-hand clothes and I won't have a second-hand kid.
- Adoption is out! - OK, all right.
Fine.
Welcome to Big Ben's, the sporting goods store that has everything.
Sporting goods made by Americans for Americans.
My fellow Americans, don't forget to vote for Big Ben for Mayor
- Mister, do you work here? - I sure do. How can I help you?
I'm looking for a canteen with a compass on it.
I saw your commercial and they said you have everything.
You bet we do. This is Big Ben's. We got canteens 365 days a year.
- Which one of these can I fix you up with? - This blue one.
- Hey, sport, where did you run off to? - This man was helping me find my canteen.
I hope Hank wasn't bothering you. He's excited about this camping trip we're going on.
- You two must have a lot of fun together. - These little rascals make life worth living.
What the heck else are we here for, partner?
Let's go!
- Did you get what you wanted? - Yeah.
- Thanks a lot, buddy. - My pleasure.
- Little Ben - What?
Get your little butt in here. I got a big surprise for you.
That's right, Big Ben's is 100 per cent American.
I'm selling the store to the Japs.
I... I...
- What? Thought I was gonna leave it to you? - Yes.
Well, I'm not. I'm selling to the Hirohito Corporation.
I still get the land, right, Dad?
No, you won't. No, no.
I'm selling that too. Everything from here to the river.
What? Dad! I can't believe this.
I slaved for you for over ten years without even a raise or a promotion.
Is there a lesson to be learned?
- A lesson? - Don't trust anyone.
- Not even your own father? - Especially your own father.
You're too nice.
I expected a little back-stabbing from you, some ruthless scrambling to get to the top,
but you stubbornly refuse to follow my example.
Today's my birthday. Look what they gave me.
Junior!
Junior! What is taking you so long?
- We start serving dinner in 20 minutes. - I only got two hands.
I want these pots so shiny I can see my face in them!
This one kind of looks like you.
All right, now you're gonna pay for it.
- Junior! - Yikes! A penguin in a pot!
Help!
I wonder if they want me to do the floor
Junior!
OK, kids, huddle up. Now, listen, we got three more innings.
Remember, if we win we all get ice cream.
Yeah!
And if we lose... What the hay, we'll have ice cream anyway.
Go take the field. I'm proud of you! Look mean out there.
Little Ben. Can I talk to you for a second?
I don't care how many runs you score. We're not gonna forfeit.
No! I don't care about this game. We got this thing won already!
I just came over to share my happiness with you, Little Ben.
Harriet had a sonogram. Take a look.
- What is that? - It's a boy!
Congratulations.
- I got one of these for you. Open up. - I don't smoke.
Come on, open up. Open up!
It's a home run for the Chieftains
What do you know? Another home run.
Way to go, Gary!
Will you all please quiet down? Be quiet!
Ladies, please, can you please quiet down?
Can you quiet down? Can you act like nuns?!
OK.
Now, there's absolutely no proof
that Junior was in any way connected with today's tragedy.
- Who needs proof? He's evil! - Look what he did in art class! Skeletons!
- Headless corpses. - Monsters devouring human flesh.
All right, look!
I don't claim to be some kind of brilliant psychologist. I'm not.
All I'm saying is maybe all the child needs is to be loved.
Let's cut the crap, Mr Peabody!
Either Junior goes or you find yourself some new nuns.
No, no, please, don't hyperventilate. Just take a deep breath and relax.
The only way we can straighten this out is by hearing what Junior has to say.
I'm sorry, sisters.
Please, please don't make me lift those heavy stones
and please don't make me scrub those dirty toilets.
I just want to be a good boy. I promise!
You see that? He said he's sorry.
Please, give me another chance. I just want to learn my lessons and do my studies.
So I can be smart and become a priest!
There! You see that? A priest!
A priest! It's like a nun with a jacket.
It's a boy nun! He wants to be a boy nun.
Let me tell you something. It takes a big man to admit his mistakes.
And there is a big man!
It is in the opinion of myself and my agency of which I represent
that Junior will not be removed from this orphanage.
Removed? What do you mean, removed?
Don't worry about it.
The nuns made a suggestion you might be happier outside of the orphanage.
- What's so funny? - You are, you stupid dick.
He's wicked!
You're not saying you'd rather not be in the orphanage, are you?
Think much, pea brain? I want out!
You see, Mr Peabody? The child is incorrigible!
I'm what? Why don't you speak English, lady?
Look, maybe...
- Uh, maybe... - What the child is trying to say is...
Maybe if I shrug and move my hands like this, people will think I know what I'm talking about.
It's obvious that the kid's unbalanced. I knew that from the start.
I was playing devil's advocate. Devil, you know...
Anyway, on behalf of myself and the agency,
this child is going to be removed from this orphanage as soon as possible!
Well, hurry the hell up! I'm not getting any younger!
There's Ed and Sally and little Joey going into the Whites'. There must be a party.
Look at her dress. That's a new... I've looked all over for shoes like that.
- Wonder why we weren't invited. - Same reason we weren't invited to the rest.
You can't go to a kids' party without a kid.
Being a parent is power and once you're in that circle you keep everyone else out.
Flo, being a parent is about sharing. It's about a mom, a dad and a kid.
Except there isn't going to be a kid, Ben. It's just you and me forever.
- Why can't we adopt? - We've been through this!
I know, but we have so much love to give. Why waste it on these stupid pets?
They are not stupid!
Hello!
Think of it this way. All those mothers had to make do with what nature gave them.
You and I get to pick out our kid. It'll be like shopping.
- Shopping? - Uh-huh.
But the neighbours will know we've adopted. What'll they say?
The neighbours? They'll say, "Look!"
"There's Ben and Flo Healy going out to yet another birthday party with their new son!"
"Isn't he adorable?"
"And look at how fantastic Flo looks in her new dress!"
"Where did she get a bag to match those shoes?"
Then they'll say, "Let's invite that Healy family over for dinner."
Oh, Ben, dinners!
OK, let's get a kid.
Hurry up, students. Five more minutes for your pen- pals.
Then we have to work on our times tables.
Dear Queen Elizabeth, how is England? It must be nice to be a queen.
Dear Bishop Tutu, how are you?
I am fine. I hope everything's going well with your marching.
Dear Bow Tie Killer, how's prison?
There's a nice picture of you on the front page that I'm gonna add to my collection.
Even though we've never met, I feel we have a lot in common. Nobody understands us.
I'm still wearing a bow tie so I can look just like you.
After all these letters, I've got good news. I'm getting out. Isn't that great?
Your number one fan, Junior.
Smoke.
Sir.
Sir, sorry to disturb you but this letter came for you.
Read this to me.
Hey, it's a letter from JR.
Yeah? Someday we're gonna meet up on the outside.
We're gonna do some serious damage.
"Good news, I'm getting out."
What? He's getting paroled? They gotta be out of their minds!
You know that guy? He's crazier than I am.
Chill. The warden!
Well, well! If it isn't our model prisoner, looking so pretty today in his little bow tie!
Hey, warden! Catch!
I hope I'm not rushing you. We can always let nature take its course.
Nature screwed us over. Let's give commerce a try.
Let's see what I can do. You want a kid you could love, I'll put you on the waiting list.
You should have a kid in seven years.
- Seven years? - Unless...
Nah, nah, I didn't say a word. I did not say a word.
No, what? What were you gonna say?
Well, I really put my foot in my mouth this time but, I don't know, I like you two.
I like the two of you and when I like two people, I want to help them out.
That's just my nature. I want to help out people that I like.
Just this morning I came upon a seven- year- old.
Smart as a tack, a little rambunctious but weren't we all at that age?
I think I even have a photo here for you.
He does look presentable in that bow tie.
Adorable!
I don't know. Seven is rather old. I wanted people to think I had the baby myself.
That's understandable. A lot of women feel that way. You want a cute little infant.
One that will scream in the middle of the night
and you'll have to stumble downstairs in the dark and change his soiled diapers.
You'll do your housework, eat chocolates,
take care of the kid and you'll put on 50 or 60 pounds.
No diapers?
You like to sleep late. There'd be no baby waking you up.
We could skip all that baby junk and move right into the good stuff like...
...parties and more parties!
I could be president of the PTA by September!
- Fuzzball will have someone to play with. - Yes! Fuzzball's our cat.
I can't believe it! Junior, he loves cats.
Do you hear that? Let's do it.
Mr Peabody, you've got yourself a deal.
And you've got yourself a kid.
Here he comes. Flo, that's our son.
Can you believe it? That's our boy.
He's very handsome. I'll be the envy of the neighbourhood.
They look like a couple of yahoos.
Hi!
I think I'm gonna cry.
You ever seen a grown man wear so much blue?
Hey there, little buddy.
I'm Ben, this is Flo. Put it there, partner.
My name's Junior. My favourite colour's blue. What's yours?
My favourite colour's blue, too. Can you believe...?
He's perfect. He's wonderful. Come here.
Thank you, sisters, goodbye. Goodbye, kids!
Bye, everybody! Don't forget to write!
We got the pick of the litter. Everyone's come out to see him off.
Here we are! Isn't this exciting?
Right, everybody out. This is gonna be so great!
OK, now, everybody over by the house. This is Junior's first day at his new home.
OK, I want everyone over. Come on.
Junior, put your suitcase down here. Darling, I want you to hug him.
A lot of teeth. I want everybody to be happy.
- Smile and say, "cheese doodles!" - Cheese doodles!
That's great, that's terrific.
How come you adopted me? How come you just didn't have a baby?
Well, gee...
With a baby, you never know what you're getting. It could be a dud.
But with you there's no surprise.
- Mr Peabody told us how terrific you are. - He did?
Sure. He said that you were voted most popular orphan two years in a row.
That was smart of him.
- In we go. - Wow. This is a great house.
We're going to keep it neat and clean, aren't we?
I hope you guys are insured.
And you have a cat. Here, kitty-kitty.
No, Junior, make nice with kitty. Only pet her this way.
I've never seen Fuzzball act like that.
Junior, come here. I want you to meet Polly.
- Polly, say hello to Junior. - Hello. Hello.
Is that the only word he knows?
- Yes. I want to show you the house. - Uh-oh!
- Do I get my own bed? - This is the big time! You get your own room!
- Wow! - I hope you like clowns.
Oh, my God. They're retarded.
So, what do you think, big guy?
Well, there sure are a lot of clowns.
That must be your new grandpa. You stay here. We'll give old gramps a big surprise.
Sh!
Dad, are we glad to see you.
What's this big surprise you dragged me over here for?
Well, Dad, here's a hint.
Oh, my God.
Finally.
You've both cooked up a cute little kid for my campaign!
I thought you were getting fatter, Mama! When's my little grandson due?
- Fatter? - No, Dad. Florence is not gonna have a baby.
You rascal, you!
You followed my advice and took your sperm to somebody who knows what to do with it,
a surrogate mother.
Tell me something. Do you make out with a cup or do you get to bump a real live one?
No, Dad, we adopted.
Are you insane?
I thought you'd be happy. Come on.
You don't know what you're letting yourself in for.
Dopehead mothers. Garbage blood.
His parents may have met in a loony bin. They might be Democrats.
He's a beautiful kid. Once you meet him, you'll love him like your very own.
I would like to proudly present the newest member of the Healy family, Junior!
No! Junior!
That's a thousand-dollar coat!
- Junior, are you in here? - Junior!
Oh, my God. It's the devil.
- Buddy, are you OK? - Yeah, just a little smoky.
Look, here's the problem. This clown must have shorted out.
Sparks were coming out of his nose. I was so scared.
- Little punk is lying. - Dad!
I hope you kept the damn receipt. You got one bad seed there.
He can hear you. You'll hurt his feelings. It was just an accident.
- Accident! Get rid of him. - We've made our decision.
OK, but it's the last time I set foot in this house.
Come on, boys.
- Get back. - What's happening?
Get rid of that kid!
- Get rid of him. - Easy!
Get rid of that kid!
Poor Fuzzball. She'll never be the same.
Are you ser...
Is that all you can think of is your stupid cat?
What about the fact that Father's on his way to the hospital? Or Junior's traumatic first day?
Did you think about the poor boy?
He must feel horrible.
Yeah, but this might make me feel better.
Fifty, sixty, seventy...
I see a furry bunny.
A furry bunny is running through delicate white snowflakes.
He's lying. That's not what he sees.
I'm sorry, I'm conducting an examination. Now what do you see, Martin?
I see a meadow. Pink flowers.
He's lying again. How can he see pink? It's a black and white picture. There is no pink.
Warden, if you don't stop, I'll have to ask you to leave.
There is no pink.
I see white fluffy clouds...
No, you don't! You see murder! You see guts!
I'm going to ask you to leave!
Those damn liberal laws! Don't you understand? He sees blood!
No, that's what you see.
I am so sorry about that, Martin.
Now, let's get back to our examination. Shall we?
What do you see in this one?
I see...
...blood!
- Doc, how did it go with the star patient? - Oh, that guy.
There's a few bricks missing from his building.
- Hey, what are you doing? - Nothing.
Gosh, what happened here?
I was looking for some paper to write a get - well note to Big Ben.
That's very thoughtful, Junior, but these are Mom's private drawers.
You shouldn't go in there. It's where she keeps her needlepoint and crochet.
I'm really sorry, Mr Healy. I was scared being all alone in my room.
Of course.
I understand why you're scared. This is your first night in your new home.
It's gonna take some getting used to, isn't it?
You know, Junior, I'm a little scared myself. This is my first night being a dad.
- You'll learn quick enough. - Learn what?
What it's like to be a dad. Then you'll get rid of me.
Get rid of you? Junior. We're never gonna get rid of you. You're here forever.
We're gonna do everything together.
We'll ride bikes, go fishing, play catch.
I want to be a good dad. I want to be a great dad.
You know what?
I will never be too busy to sit down
and listen to what's on my son's mind over a cup of hot cocoa.
Hey, sleepyhead. Y'all ready to go camping?
I was planning on watching cartoons.
Don't be such a noodle.
When I was your age, your grandfather was always too busy to take me camping.
You are a lucky duck.
Ben! Bring him.
- Come here, I want you to meet someone. - Mrs Henderson! And little Miss Lucy!
What a nice surprise!
We heard about your little accident and we thought this fruitcake might cheer you up.
Thank you!
I would like you to meet my son Junior.
- Pleased to meet you, ladies. - Oh, my!
He's a perfect little gentleman. Isn't he, Lucy?
He's so big.
Yesterday they didn't even have a kid and now they have a seven-year-old.
That's gross.
- I don't want him at my party. - Lucy.
But, Mother, he dresses like the man that cremated Uncle Leo.
Lucy's turning six this week
but I don't think we'll have a clown this year.
Or balloons. Or ice cream.
I'm having a birthday party Saturday. I think it would be nice if you came.
We'll see you Saturday at two. Come on, Lucy, get in the car.
- Thanks. I'll return the lovely platter. - Thanks again.
We have finally been accepted. This parent crap is really paying off.
It's a dream come true. A birthday party. Now we're going camping with our son.
Not me. I'm going to buy a dress for the party. Give me some money.
- You're not going camping with us? - Not on your life.
OK.
Junior! This gives me an idea.
I don't see why my son shouldn't be getting his own allowance.
- What do you say? - All right!
This is gonna give you a good opportunity to learn to manage money.
How do you manage a buck?
Come on, Mr Molasses, let's go. We're late.
Neat! Bears!
Don't worry, buddy, bears rarely attack unless provoked.
Let's keep our eyes peeled for camp site 32.
That's the one Roy reserved especially for us.
Nice spot your friend reserved especially for us, Mr Healy
- This is nature, huh? The sky, the trees? - The toilets.
You're not gonna see the sunset over there. Come on over, watch on our river - bank.
I'd tell him to shove it, Mr Healy.
It's no big deal. More important, why don't you call me Dad? I'd really like that.
I want to go home and watch TV.
TV? What's TV compared to the...
...to the call of the wild bobolink, and that spruce?
That's a pretty big bobolink.
Old MacDonald had a farm E- i- e- i-o...
Hey, Little Ben.
- Kids, the wienies are almost done! - Yeah!
I don't believe this.
Those are Roy's kids. They're sharing a brain. The one on the end has it today.
Little Ben. Come here, inside. Get in here, come on.
- How does it feel, camping with your son? - Roy, it's great. It's a dream come true.
Forget the fact that you had to go to the kid emporium and buy one.
We can't all produce six perfect little angels like me and Harriet.
I only got one, but he's one in a million.
Gee, Roy.
- It's gonna give the kids a scare, isn't it? - You got me.
- Wait a minute. I got something else for you. - I can't wait to see their faces light up.
It's so real.
Little Ben, now that you're a father, try this on for size.
Gee, thanks, Roy.
The monkey thought it was all in fun Pop goes the weasell
A penny for a spool of thread A penny for a needle
That's the way the money goes Pop goes the weasell
- All right! What do we do now? - Let's tell ghost stories.
- Let's roast marshmallows. - Let's light a forest fire.
- Don't you know it's bad to light forest fires? - That's the whole point.
- I'm gonna tell my daddy on you! - I'm gonna tell.
- Give him the silent treatment. - Yeah, ignore him.
Ignore this.
Gross!
This outdoor life is gonna be just the ticket for Junior. He's gonna blossom out here.
We sure do enjoy it.
I bet you've never been camping before. It's so much fun.
There's singing. Marshmallows.
And all sorts of stupid humans to scare.
Row, row, row your boat Gently down the stream
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily Life is but a dream
Roy, you devil.
What's the matter, kids? You afraid of a measly little bear? He's not so bad.
Great. This is great, Roy.
Let's see if he's ticklish. Mr Bear ticklish? Coochie-coochie!
Coochie...
That was close! You...
Roy?
Roy! Help!
Help! Help!
Stay here, stay here.
- Where did he go? - I think it left.
He must have learned it from the tourists.
Roy!
I can't get it out of my head that Junior was responsible for the camping thing.
He was laughing his head off.
Just lock him in his room tonight.
It says that children often misbehave just to get attention
and we should resort to discipline only when other forms of positive reinforcement fail.
Up yours! Up yours!
- Reinforce that. - Dickhead.
Mrs Henderson, your home is lovely.
- Call me Marion. - Marion, this is fabulous.
There's nothing more wonderful than children playing, hearing them laughing.
- Excuse me. - Did you see Junior's outfit?
Isn't he precious?
Also, Big Ben means big business!
Junior, I got some buttons for the kids and some stickers for their bikes.
Do your grandfather a favour and pass them out among your friends.
What for?
- For ten bucks, that's what's for. - Sure, Grandpa!
Kids, huh?
Put that down! That's mine! These are all my presents!
- I was only looking at it. - You're gonna break it! Get away from it!
- Who's that? - He can't play with us. He's got cooties.
He's not even a real kid. He's adopted.
Gross!
All right, boys and girls, come on out. Time for the magic show.
All right!
- You can't come out. - Why not?
'Cause I said so.
It's my party and I get to say who can watch my magic show and who can't.
- Why aren't you outside? - Clowns are dumb.
It's tough being left out, isn't it?
If I give you something, would you promise to take care of it?
My grandfather gave this to me just before he died.
What is it?
It's a prune, hardened. It's a hardened prune.
Grandfather became a little senile toward the end. He thought it resembled Roosevelt.
But the important thing is that it's a bond between two people.
I've kept it in my pocket for 30 years.
- Ben, I want you to meet the Hofsteders! - Coming, sweetheart.
- I know you'll take good care of it. - Ben, move it!
You can't come to my magic show.
I had some magic of my own.
It's my party and I'll cry if I want to
Cry if I want to Cry if I want to
You would cry too if it happened to you
Nobody knows where my Johnny has gone
But Judy left the same time
Why was he holding her hand? When he's supposed to be mine
It's my party and I'll cry if I want to
Cry if I want to Cry if I want to
You would cry too if it happened to you
Play all my records Keep dancing all night
But we were alone for a while
Till Johnny's dancing with me I've got no reason to smile
It's my party and I'll cry if I want to
Cry if I want to Cry if I want to
You would cry too if it happened to you...
Judy and Johnny Just walked through the door
Like a queen with her king
Oh, what a birthday surprise Judy's wearing his ring
It's my party and I'll cry if I want to
Cry if I want to Cry if I want to
You would cry too if it happened to you
Oh-oh, it's my party and I'll cry if I want to
Cry if I want to Cry if I want to
You would cry too if it happened to you
Perhaps this was the one step too far. This could be a problem.
- I think we've got a problem. - You think so?
We should get rid of the kid and buy a new cat!
- You're not making any sense. - Wanna make sense? Show him who's boss!
Here, be a man.
Please, God, I'm so sorry for what I've done. I won't ever do it again, I promise.
And I don't ever want to cause Mr Healy any trouble.
He's the only one that's ever been nice to me.
Please don't spank me, Mr Healy.
I don't want to but you're gonna have to be punished.
So, I'm gonna take back your allowance.
The whole buck?
That's right. Now, just hand it over.
I wonder if he's got change for a 20.
OK.
I think you'd better go right to bed.
Just use this time to think about what you've done and what you're going to do.
Understand?
I hope you've learned a lesson.
Goodnight.
What is this guy, nice or something?
- Can I help you? - Fill her up.
Smiley pies!
I ain't had a smiley pie in 15 years.
Now, Cold River's favourite son, Big Ben Healy
First of all, I'd like to thank everyone who supported me in my race for Mayor.
This is the Founders Day game.
It doesn't matter who wins or loses, just so long as Big Ben wins for Mayor.
When you hit one out and that scoreboard lights up, I want you to remember Big Ben.
We go to the seventh inning tied.
All right, somebody's gonna have to pinch-hit for Andy. OK, buddy, this is your big moment.
- Who, me? - Of course you, Junior. I need you to bat.
Get up, grab a helmet. Get a bat, that's a boy.
But I don't know how to play baseball.
Now is as good a time as any to learn.
- But what happens if... - It doesn't matter what happens.
The important thing is that you stand up there and take your cuts, OK?
I'll be proud of you no matter how you do.
Are you out of your mind, putting that little monster in the game? I'm on a campaign.
Junior'll do just fine, Dad. You can do it, buddy.
Nice little tie, moose breath. Bet you sell a lot of Girl Scout cookies wearing that.
No batter, Cort.
He's cute, isn't he?
Strike one.
If that kid wasn't adopted, I'd swear he was your real son.
You weren't on the team the last time we beat you.
The guy I'm staying with is the coach.
You mean that big dork who buys everyone ice cream.
He is not a dork!
Watch the pitcher, not the catcher, buddy, come on!
My new car! Oh, my God!
Shake it off. Tighten up that grip, all right? Meet the ball. Hold onto the bat, OK?
- Come on, boy! - Good idea.
Yeah, hold on to the bat.
Son of dork, son of dork!
Son of dork!
Oh, no.
Drop the bat, son!
That's no good!
You can't do that.
Whoa!
Drop the bat, Junior! Are you nuts?
Whoa!
Come on, I got something for you!
Ow!
Touchdown! Touchdown! Touchdown!
Touchdown!
We've adopted Satan.
I don't now what you could've been thinking about! We've done all we can.
Now, you wait right here. I'm gonna get the priest.
Hello, Mr Healy. Remember me? You sold me a canteen.
Boy, did we have a great camping trip!
I caught three fish. My dad was really proud.
Blow it out your ass.
Junior. Junior!
Get back here, you little heathen!
Junior! Where are you, you little creep?
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Father? Father?
Father, I'm at the end of my rope. It's about my kid.
He's a real problem. He does terrible things. My father hates him. My wife hates him.
Everybody hates him.
Everybody except me. And I've had it.
God! I've failed, Father. The kid hates me.
It's time I faced up to what I do have to do. I'm gonna take him back to the orphanage.
No, no, you don't want to do that! That's the worst thing you could do!
- Can I call you back? - He's all yours.
- Can we discuss this? - There is nothing to discuss.
- We're signing him back over to you now! - Bad parents make bad children!
I'm a bad parent because I hate my kid?
- There is something strange about that boy! - He is twisted!
- You took him! He's yours! - You conned us into it!
What am I supposed to do with the little creep? He's already been returned 30 times!
This makes 31!
"We don't care about brown hair and brown eyes."
"We want to take him into our home and let him play with our cat!"
Hold it! Stop, wait!
What are we talking about? Thirty? Thirty times?
Flo, did you hear that?
This is a human being we're talking about!
That kid's a monster!
Flo, we're doing what everybody else has done to this child.
- It's easy to give up on a kid. - Damn straight it is.
Isn't that what's wrong with the world today? Everybody's looking for the easy way out.
They're hoping that their problems will just go away.
But problems don't just go, Flo, you know?
So, the question before us is what are we gonna do with our little problem child?
I'll tell you.
Something that no one's ever done for him before. We're gonna love him, Flo.
We're gonna love him when he's bad, we're gonna love him when he's worse,
until one day he's gonna crack and say,
"Hey, these folks really do love me."
"They ain't gonna quit on me."
"I don't have to be bad any more."
"What the hay! I can be president of the United States!"
President? Are you brain damaged? Junior's gonna be a convict before he's in third grade!
Sh!
Junior? Son?
- Unlock the door. - You said you were gonna keep me forever.
I am. I'm sorry, I just made a mistake.
Trust me. We're not gonna take you back to the orphanage.
I don't believe you! You only pretended to be my friend. You're just like all the others.
Junior? Now, come on, son.
You moron. You left the keys in the car.
Hey, he can drive! Boy, that's great!
Look at you handle this baby! I'm so proud of you, son!
Junior!
Hold it!
Get out of the way!
Left! Turn left!
Right, Junior.
No!
No, don't touch that!
Junior!
Watch out!
Born to be wild
Hello?
Ben? Jim O'Connor. Are you sitting down?
Yes.
Bad news. Your father cleaned out your bank account to pay for the damage to his store.
Nothing can make up for the loss of your life savings...
Ben?
Uh-oh He's lost it now
All right!
Private business.
Hi!
- Get out of my way, kid. I'm looking for JR. - That's me! Junior!
I don't have time for this crap, kid.
Now, the guy I'm looking for is an ex-con and he's as mean as a rattlesnake.
That's me, dummy! I sent you all those letters.
Man. I drove a thousand miles to hang out with a seven- year-old?
- I'm gonna be eight in two weeks. - Don't count on it.
Mr Healy, Mrs Healy, I'd like you to meet the greatest guy in the whole wide world.
Martin...
Uncle Marty!
Marty, this is Mr and Mrs Healy
and that's the $3,000 stereo system and the console TV.
How wonderful, an uncle!
You absolutely must stay the night.
It is so wonderful to meet the uncle of darling little Junior.
Did you hear that? Uncle Marty. We've gotta treat this guy like royalty.
We've gotta make him think Junior's an angel. He'll leave and take the little brat with him.
Everybody just loves Junior.
For pocket money he helps some of the older residents with their groceries.
Isn't that right, Ben?
If only he had a blood relative taking care of him, someone with a natural tie. Like an uncle!
- More meatloaf? - Yeah.
I'll get you some.
This guy is just so appealing.
I'll give you a hand.
Your nephew is such a delight. He's always cleaning and tidying up after all of us.
Perfect for a single man living alone.
Are you a bachelor, Marty?
I ain't been with a woman in 15 years.
Women just love single male parents.
If you had a kid like Junior the women would be flocking over you.
Did you say 15 years?
Wait.
Stop it!
Look at all the stuff I brought for our trip.
I got my ammo. There's guns, hand grenades and even dynamite.
These are toys. What are you jerking me around for? This is kiddies' stuff!
What did you do that for? Don't we need supplies?
What? I'm not working with you!
But I thought we were gonna be partners. I thought you liked me.
I don't like no one. I work alone.
Goodbye, Junior! Goodbye, Flo! Oh, I am so sad to see you go.
A hundred thousand dollars? You can keep 'em!
Good morning! Hello, sunshine!
This was supposed to be our honeymoon!
You said you loved me! You called me a little kumquat.
This is our honeymoon, you moron!
Moron? Moron?
I went to Radcliffe! I'm not a bimbo you can tie up and do what you want with!
- You shut up! - I will not!
Let me out of here! You stupid piece of... You're gonna regret this!
I'm gonna be waiting and when I'm done with you you're gonna be singing falsetto!
He-e-e-ere's Daddy!
Goodbye, Junior!
Adios Hasta luego
Sayonara!
Yeah!
Yes, that's very creative, Junior.
Yeah, right on the money.
He liked me.
All this time he actually liked me.
Vote for Big Ben. Here, read this.
You can't go in. Your father's making a television appearance for his campaign.
Dad, I gotta talk to you!
- What are you doing? I'm about to go on air! - Florence and Junior have been kidnapped.
Five minutes.
- I need $100,000. - Are you insane?
That kid is a monster and your wife is the original pain in the ass. It's for the best.
- Are you gonna lend me the money? - No, I'm not.
You work for me. I know what you get. You're a credit risk.
Then I quit as your son!
Just get out of here. I got a goddamn campaign to win.
Your campaign, the one thing you do care about.
Why don't you tell the voters what you really plan on doing with this town?
I don't give a rat's ass for the voters.
- We're ready with that live feed. - All I care about is power and money.
America for the Americans You believe that nonsense?
I'd sell my soul to the Japanese if they'd make me an offer.
Don't come sucking round me if you want something.
The only thing you'll get from me is this.
- Hello? - You got the money?
Yeah.
Good. Bring it to the circus.
I'll be waiting at the tiger cage.
Roy! I need your car.
- Forget it. We're going hunting. - So am I.
You can't borrow it. We're all packed up and ready to go. What are you doing?
You're not going anywhere, buddy.
Wait a minute.
Great, the joke's over. Come on back.
What do you think you're doing?
Hey! Hey, get back here, you!
- What is he doing? - Get back here!
Gee, I've never been to the circus before.
- I'd sure like to try a swizzle dog. - I hate circuses.
Nothing worse than a bunch of clowns trying to make you laugh.
- Look, a giraffe! - Look, a fist!
Clowns.
Help! Help, let me out of here!
I know you're out there! Help!
Why isn't anybody doing anything? I know you're out there!
Let's go see the bearded lady.
I seen too many of them in prison. Stop bugging me or you're gonna get hurt.
What did you say, you bow-tied freak? Let him go!
Forget it, big daddy!
This is my show. I'm calling the shots.
OK, we make a switch on the count of three.
You toss the money and I release Junior.
Fine.
One, two, three!
- Hey! - Sucker!
- Give me the boy! - Why? He wants to go with me.
How about it, kid? We'll go on a crime spree. We'll terrorise the whole state.
We'll eat smiley pies until we drop.
What do you say?
Come on, let's have some kicks. Tell-a-me.
Tell-a-me.
Yeah, kicks, good idea.
- I'll tear you apart! - Not while I'm around!
Run, Junior, run!
My money!
Hold it!
The astounding Aslanian Family Tumblers
Excuse me, lady!
Ye-es!
I'll get you now!
Look out below!
- Junior, are you OK? - Yeah, I'm fine, Dad.
- You called me Dad. - Yeah, I guess I did.
Stay away from...
- He's getting away! - Nobody messes with the Healys! Come on!
There he is!
There's nothing like going for an outing with your father.
- Look what I found! - That's Roy's. Give me that.
Why? You can't drive and shoot.
- What do we do? - I got an idea.
- Go get him, Dad! - Faster, son, faster!
Attaboy!
Shoot out his tyres, Dad!
Don't mess with me!
I demand you stop this car!
He's the wild one
What the hell is going on?
- I want a divorce! - Shut up, Flo!
Wha...!
Stop! Hit the brakes!
Now what's going on? What's that smell?
Well, Flo always said she wanted to travel.
- Come on, let's go home. - Move it.
You little traitor!
No!
Daddy!
Daddy, please don't go! I'm sorry for all those bad things I did!
If you come back, I promise I'll never do anything naughty again.
Daddy, come back! I love you!
I love you, too, son.
Dad? I don't believe it.
I don't believe it either.
- Are you gonna be OK? - Yeah.
But the prune's had it.
- Lay still. Ambulance is on the way. - I'll be all right.
He got me in the prune.
You're not gonna hold me to all that stupid junk I said about being nice, are you?
Of course not. I just want you to be yourself.
Some people never learn.
Come on, son.
Come on.
Why does this guy love me? Why do parents love any kid?
It's one of those answers we'll never know like "How high is up?", "Why is the sky blue?"
and "Whatever happened to Mrs Healy?"
- Your pig's making funny noises. - Big Miguel, he's got a bad stomach.
Oh, my God!
Na-na-na-na-na Na-na-na-na-na
N- n-n- n-n-n-n-n
Whoa-o-o-o-o
Who wants to grow up? Who wants responsibility?
O- o-o- e-e-e
Who wants to show up At work until you're 93?
Oh, no, not me
Now, everybody says you're running wild
Your teacher's calling you a problem child
You're just a kid now But soon you'll be a king of hearts
Oh, yeah
That girl next door Might turn into a work of art
Some people sayin' put the boy on trial
He's guilty 'cause he's just a juvenile
Oh, yeah
You make us crazy You make us smile
Some day you'll grow up, boy And you'll change your style
First you'll be married And kids after a while
And one of them might wanna be A problem child, yeah
You make us crazy You make us smile
Some day you'll grow up, boy And you'll change your style
First you'll be married And kids after a while
And one of them might wanna be A... Oh, baby
Who wants to grow up? Who wants responsibility?
O- o-o- e-e-e
Who wants to show up At work until you're 93?
Oh, no, not me
Now, everybody says you're running wild
Your teacher's calling you a problem child
Oh, yeah
You're just a kid now But soon you'll be a king of hearts
That girl next door Might turn into a work of art
Some people sayin' put the boy on trial
He's guilty 'cause he's just a juvenile
Oh, yeah
Oh, yeah...