(TRIBAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Honey, I'm home!
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
EARL: There are many customs which The Sacred Book Of Dinosaur
commands us to obey. But none is as important as the howling.
Each month, on the evening of the full moon,
every male dinosaur who has come of age climbs to the top of the mountain
-and howls his mightiest howl. -(DINOSAURS HOWLING)
ROBBIE: Why? EARL: Why what?
-ROBBIE: Why do we do this? -(DINOSAURS HOWL)
EARL: We've been doing it for a million years.
ROBBIE: Why? EARL: It is written
in The Sacred Book Of Dinosaur.
ROBBIE: Well, who wrote it there? EARL: Some sacred guy.
I don't know, Dad. I just don't see it.
I mean, what does this have to do with my life?
Well, it says right here, "Only by the howling
"do we defeat the dark spirit
"which would turn dinosaur against dinosaur
-"and bring an end to our days on Earth." -And you buy that?
Hey, this book's been around a million years and you've been around,
what, 15 years? Guess who wins.
Uh, but it just doesn't make sense, Dad. Today I'm just a kid,
but tomorrow I climb up the mountain and yell at the moon,
and that makes me a grown-up? Why?
Because your mother sent out a 150 invitations
and we got a dead rhino and 10 tons of potato salad downstairs.
-So tomorrow night you're gonna scamper... -(SIGHS)
...your scaly butt up that hill and howl like a banshee.
Uh... (HOWLING WEAKLY)
You haven't been practicing.
Have you been using those eight-track tapes I got you?
-Oh, all the time, Dad. -Look, Robbie. I'm going downstairs,
and I don't want to hear any silence coming out of this room.
All right.
(SIGHS) Oh, boy.
MALE VOICE: (ON TAPE) Howling at the Moon.
-Tape one, Howling for Beginners. -(SIGHS)
-Let's start with this simple phrase... -Okay.
-Awoo. -A... Awoo.
-Very good. -Thanks. (CLEARS THROAT)
Now, try again, with more expression.
-(YELLING) Awoo! -Awoo-oo... (SIGHS)
Very good.
Well, we can't broil it...
$4.95 a ton, and it isn't even disemboweled yet.
-I'm not cleaning this. -What do you think, Mom?
Twenty-eight hours at 350?
Oh. Are you dead?
Hello!
In my day it was a solemn occasion.
We didn't have all this fanfare and rhinoceros.
-"Mr. and Mrs. Earl Sinclair..." -And Baby.
-"...cordially invite you to join them..." -And Baby.
"...as their son, Robert Mark Sinclair is called up the mountain for his howling,
"with reception to follow." (WAILS) Oh, my little baby!
-(BOTH CRY) -Hey, I'm your little baby.
-(BOTH CRY) -I'm your little baby.
(WHINES)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
-(GASPS, LAUGHS) -(MIMICKING GUITAR PLAYING)
-Hello. -Hey! Hey! Hey!
-Practicing hard? -Out of my room, Charlene.
-Oh, come on, let's hear one. -No.
-Why not? -Because I said no.
-Because you have a wussy howl. -I do not.
-Wussy howl! -How'd you like me to bite your head off?
-Oh, I'm so scared, Mr. Big Adult Male. -Oh. Oh, yeah? Well, check this out.
-(HOWLS WEAKLY) -Hmm.
-(PANTS) -You gotta commit to it, Rob.
I can't commit to it because I don't get it.
I can only commit to things that make sense to me.
-Oh, give me a break. -Hey, a dinosaur's howl is
a very personal thing. You can't just howl your mightiest howl
-for no good reason. -Oh. (CLEARS THROAT)
(HOWLS POWERFULLY)
-That's my boy. -(HOWLING CONTINUES)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
ROY: Oh, yeah!
-ALL: Yeah! -Yeah! That's lunch.
-(CHUCKLES) Oh, boy. -Well, pally boy,
seems like only yesterday little Robbie shed his first skin. (LAUGHS)
It's hard to believe he's going up the hill tonight.
Yeah! Wait till you hear the howl on this kid.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Hey, uh... Hey, Roy, there's something I got to ask you.
-Yeah. -I guess it's not a secret
-that you are my best and all that. -Yeah, back at ya, pally boy.
And well, you know, tonight, up on the hill,
Robbie's gonna need someone special to present him at his first howling.
-Yeah. -Well, Roy, you wanna do it?
(BURPS)
Oh, I'm visibly moved. Pally boy, this is such an honor
-that words escape me. -Roy, can you hold that in a bit?
No, the feelings are just pouring out because you picked me.
-Do you have to that? -Now, you've known me a long time.
You know I don't usually go in for that sensitivity stuff,
-but at the risk of starting a rumor... -(GROANS)
...I, uh... I feel very close to you right now.
-Please don't say anymore. -Huh?
You're disgusting me with the way you chew with your mouth open.
-Huh? -I'm telling you I can see your lunch.
And your lunch can see me.
-ROY: Nah. -How you doing?
-Will you tell him it's disgusting? -Hey, listen, listen.
I hate to be critical, but I'm gonna have to agree, and let me tell you,
you got one major plaque build-up back here.
-Yeah? -Oh, jeez. Swallow it, spit it out,
-do something. -SHREW: Yeah, make up your mind.
-(SPITS) -SHREW: Whoa! Man, do I need a shower!
Earl, you've hurt my feelings and embarrassed me in front of my lunch.
Would it be so hard to close your mouth while you're eating?
Would it be so hard to close your eyes while I'm eating?
Just get your open mouth out of my line of vision.
-Well, shut your eyes. -Shut your head!
-Shut your eyes! -Shut your head!
Earl, hey, hey. Hey, there, pally boy, this is not a time for petty bickering,
with young Robbie boy going up the hill tonight.
Yeah, you're right. I don't know what I was thinking.
-So, see you tonight at 7:00, huh? -Make it a quarter to 7:00.
You're always late.
And wear something nice.
Hey, you don't like the way I dress?
(FRAN HUMMING)
-Oh. This one for me? -No, no, dear, that's not for you.
-Ooh, this for me. -No, no, dear, all of these
are Robbie's howling gifts. None of these are for you.
Ooh! This for me.
Fran, I'm home, I'm hungry, and I hate everything.
-Not the Mama. -Ah, neither are you.
-(LAUGHS) -Robbie got lots of new gifts today.
Ooh! More $4 pen and pencil sets?
-Big whoop! -Earl, it's traditional.
It's cheap. You'd think, on this, the most important night of my son's life,
my friends could do a little better than a lousy pen and pencil set.
-Is something bothering you, Earl? -Bothering me? No.
After 27 years of friendship,
you'd think I could tell a guy he eats like a pig and dresses like a slob,
without him getting all uppity about it.
Oh, I don't, not gonna let it bother me. I got a family that loves me,
and that is what's important.
-Who do you love? -Mama.
-(GROANS) Who do you love second best? -Mama.
All right, who is talking to you right now?
-Not the Mama. -Duh! I'm going upstairs.
Ma, is it me, or is Daddy in, like, a really bad mood?
No, your father just gets cranky like this before howling.
They all do, every month. It's pre-howling syndrome... P.H.S.
I'm so glad I'm a girl, huh. La-la.
MALE VOICE: (ON TAPE) Congratulations.
You are now ready to howl with confidence...
-(SIGHS) -...knowing that you will not only make
your family proud, but keep our civilization
-from coming to an end. -(HOWLS WEAKLY)
(COUGHS, HOWLS WEAKLY)
Oh, God. Who am I kidding?
-Okay, kid, it's showtime. (CHUCKLES) -Dad, I got a real problem with this.
Hey, my little howler is nervous? Come here.
-What are you gonna do? -I'm gonna tell you a little something
that my sweet, old dad told me just before I went up the hill.
-Great. -I remember he said,
-"Earl, unlock that bathroom door." -Huh?
Of course that doesn't apply here, but you get the gist.
Uh, yeah.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
ROBBIE: Dad, we gotta talk about this.
No, no, no. First we all howl, then we all talk.
We've been doing it that way for a million years.
-Guys, come on. -Stop it.
-Come on. You think so? Come on. -Hey, guys!
-ALL: Hi. Yeah. -Yeah. Hi.
Yeah, yeah. Let's howl and get on to the settlement of grievances.
Good. 'Cause I want an apology for that Turtlehead remark.
-Hmm? Hmm? -No way.
-Hi, there, Robbie. -Hi.
Ah, here's just a little something to help usher you
-into adult malehood. -Oh, wow!
Huh?
Well, lookie here. A pen and pencil set from my oldest and dearest friend.
What a wonderful, highly original, well-thought-out gift.
Ah, thank you. (CLEARS THROAT) Well...
Tonight is a very special night for a young dinosaur I've known
-for many years. -Yeah, that's fine.
-I'll take it from here. -Well, I thought you wanted me
-to introduce the little guy. -I changed my mind.
-Jeez! -All right.
Everybody, you know my son, Robbie.
-ALL: Yeah. -Robbie, there's the moon. Hit it.
Um...
I, uh... I've been giving this a lot of thought, and...
And this howling thing...
-Well, I... I don't believe in it. -(ALL GASP)
(GASPS) Robbie...
-Everybody's looking. -I mean, think about it logically.
The book says, "Dinosaur will turn against dinosaur,
"and bring an end to our days on Earth." Now, how would not howling
at the moon bring end to our days on Earth?
Because if you don't howl, I'll kill you.
-What could possibly happen? -Earthquake.
-Flood. -Plagues.
This isn't the dark ages, this is 60 million B.C.
Now, why don't we try not howling one time?
Nothing's gonna happen.
-(GASPS) -Look!
EARL: What? ROBBIE: Huh?
ROY: Where's the moon? Where did it go?
-It's gone. -It's the end of the world!
-(ALL SCREAM) -ROY: Wait! Wait!
ROY: Hang on! Wait! Wait a second! Wait! EARL: Oh, Robbie!
(CHARLENE WHIMPERS)
-(RUMBLING) -Do you hear something?
-No. What? -Shh! A low rumbling.
-Huh? -Like the Earth is getting ready
to open up and swallow us.
-Don't you hear it? -It's the ice maker.
Quiet, you!
You've brought about a cataclysm against all life on Earth,
and I don't wanna hear any more out of you.
(SIGHS)
-Are we dead yet? -No, dear.
Hmm.
-When are we gonna be dead? -Very soon, dear.
My... My flashlight went out. I think the batteries are dead.
(GROANS) Dead? Dead? Dead? It's starting.
The batteries are always the first to go.
Earl, come here. Let me tell you something.
What? What?
-(GROANS) -Get a hold of yourself!
Thank you. You're right, Ethyl.
I am the guardian and protector of this family.
And it's my job to be a calming influence
while we huddle together hopelessly in the dark.
-(EARL AND BABY YELL) -Dad, why don't we just keep
-the lights on. -The lights work?
-Yep. -Hey, all I am trying to do
is create a mood here.
-Earl. -EARL: What?
I'm going to be very disappointed if this world ends
and you and Robbie are still angry
-at each other. -He destroyed the universe.
Any parent can forgive the little things, Earl.
It's these big things to test us.
All right, all right. I forgive you.
So, you brought about the end of everything. So what?
-Uh, sorry, Dad. -Yeah, it's all part of growing up.
Okay. Now, these are our last few hours on Earth.
I want us to spend them being together
and loving each other, and realizing that the most important thing in the world
is being a family.
ETHYL: Oh. EARL: Hmm, yeah.
-EARL: Hmm, hmm. -(BABY SIGHS)
EARL: Hmm, hmm.
-Should I turn on the TV? -ALL: Yes!
As you know, the end of the world is upon us,
and that means you save big! Values galore here at Discount Charlie's!
Yes, we're slashing high prices! This refrigerator, freezer, $1,399.95,
now two for a dollar! So, come on down! We're dealing like there's no tomorrow!
(LAUGHING)
(EARL SNORING)
(TV RINGING)
(ALL YAWNING)
-(SHUDDERS) -(FRAN SIGHS)
-(SIGHS) -(GASPS) Look at that.
-The sun came up. -It's another day.
-Wow! -Are we dead?
-No. -You promised.
Huh! Look. See, Dad, the world didn't come to an end.
-Give me that. -Okay. Now,
maybe we should look at this as a new beginning.
You know, the entire dinosaur community has been reborn.
And maybe, just maybe, nothing will ever be the same again.
MAN: (ON TV) The Antediluvian Broadcasting Company now begins its broadcast day.
CROWD: (ON TV) Wheel of...
(CLEARS THROAT) Uh, hello there, Fran.
Oh, hello, Roy.
Isn't it wonderful, the world not ending and all?
-Yeah, I suppose so. -Something I can do for you?
Well, Earl, if the world had ended last night,
I could've overlooked certain things, but unfortunately it didn't.
So, I've come for my beach thongs and that ball-peen hammer you borrowed.
I'd ask you to return all of the food you've eaten here,
but most of that fell out of your mouth before you left.
-(GROWLS) -Hey, Roy.
-Huh? Oh, hi. Hi, Robbie. -Don't you talk to my kid like that.
Huh? I'll talk to your kid any way I want.
-(EARL GROWLS) -Hi, Robbie! Hi, Robbie!
-Hey, you guys, come on. Dad.
(BOTH GRUNT)
-Uncle Roy! You guys, what's happening? -(GRUNTING CONTINUES)
You've been best friends since before I was born.
Can't you talk this out?
-(EARL GRUNTS) -I'll, uh, take that as a no.
Earl! Get your head out of his mouth, right now!
-He started it! (EXCLAIMS) -Uh-uh!
Oh, look at him talking with his mouth full again.
Roy, if you bite my husband's head off...
-(SCREAMING) -(EARL GROANS)
EARL: You ever come near my house again, I'll feed you to my family.
ROY: Yeah, then I won't! EARL: Good!
ROY: Fine! EARL: Fine!
-ROY: Good. -(DOOR CLOSES)
"Only by howling do we defeat the dark spirit
"which would turn dinosaur against dinosaur."
(SIGHS)
MALE VOICE: (ON TV) ...and many wonder if this rash of incidents
is connected to last night's missed howling.
In the meantime, there seems to be no end in sight
to the violence and general crankiness among males.
Now, here's Dwayne with sports.
Oh, great, great, great! Throw it to me with 30 seconds left.
(BOTH GROWLING)
NEWS ANCHOR: Come here, I'll bite your little leg off.
-Hey, Dad, Roy just called. -There is no Roy.
He wants to return all the stuff he borrowed from you over the years,
but he says he won't set foot in our house again.
So, where does he want to meet?
EARL: Well, right away I see my barbecue apron is missing.
I thought that barbecue apron was a gift.
It was a gift for a friend, so I want it back from you.
-(MOCKING) Da, da, da, da, da. -ROBBIE: Hey, hey.
-Roy, Dad. Come on, stop it. -(ROY AND EARL GROWLING)
Well, he is the one who called me up here.
I did not. You called me.
Uh, look, I had to call you up here. You have to howl.
I wouldn't howl with him if he was the last dinosaur on Earth.
-But, uh... -Besides, there's no reason
-to howl anymore. -Yes, there is.
Look, I didn't understand it before,
but if you don't howl, terrible things happen.
No, they don't. The world didn't come to an end.
-Nothing bad happened at all. -You're not friends anymore.
A lifelong friendship is about to end. Isn't that bad?
-No. Uh-uh. -Uh-uh. It's good.
(SIGHS) Okay, fine. Maybe I was wrong.
After all, Dad, a best friend wouldn't say you had a wussy howl.
-Did you say that I had a wussy howl? -I don't know. Did I?
-Oh, absolutely. Yeah. -Well, then, I stand by it.
-(CHUCKLES) -Wussy howl!
Oh, yeah? I can howl you under the table
-any moonlit night of the week. -Oh, yeah?
-Yeah. -Well, you're on!
All right.
(BOTH HOWLING)
(HOWLING CONTINUES)
-(GROANS) -(PANTING)
And after the howling, we settle our grievances.
Now, you two best friends for 27 years got anything you wanna say to each other?
(BOTH PANTING)
Hey. Listen, all that stuff you borrowed...
-You can hang on to it for a while. -Thanks.
'Cause there's really nothing left in my apartment now, anyway.
-Except for your barbecue apron. -I'm sorry I gave you a hard time
-about the pen and pencil set. -I know that wasn't too original.
But I don't have any kids of my own, so I wanted Robbie
to have the pen and pencil set my dad gave me on my howling day.
-Roy, your dad gave you this? -Yeah.
It's the one his dad gave to him on his howling day.
Oh, jeez! Aw!
(BOTH CRYING)
-You're my best friend. -Buddy, come on over for dinner.
-Okay. -Come on.
Yeah.
-Oh, uh, Robbie... -Yeah, Dad?
-You did a good thing here. -Oh, thanks, Dad. (CHUCKLES)
You know, sometimes it's not important to understand why you do something.
I howl because I believe in it.
(CHUCKLES)
I don't know why I believe in it, I just do.
-I understand, Dad. Yeah. -Okay, I'll see you at home.
-Okay. Bye. -ROY: Hey, Earl, what about my stuff?
EARL: The kid will get it. That's why you have kids.
ROY: Hmm. Maybe I should get one.
(CHUCKLES, SIGHS)
ROBBIE: "Only by howling do we defeat the dark spirit
"which would turn dinosaur against dinosaur
"and bring an end to our days on Earth."
(HOWLING)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)