That wasn't a store robbery.
That was an assassination.
That wasn't a clerk. That was a wise guy.
How do I know?
I spent a little time with the FBI's organized crime unit.
You could say that I'm intimately knowledgeable...
with the rancorous workings of the Mob...
in the midwest section of this country.
I know gangland slayings, and that's exactly what this is.
I'd look into it personally, but I got a date tonight.
Think I'll take the private jet and fly to Spain,
pick up the little lady,
do the subsonic tummy bump at 30,000 feet...
then glide back into the U.S. Of A. By dawn.
I know what you're gonna say: "Jim Dodge, settle down.
Relax. You owe it to yourself."
I'll tell you what I tell everybody.
Any little fraulein that expects anything more from me...
than a little bit of pleasure, danger...
and a great set of pectorals,
she's looking for a fall right on her ass.
[Barking]
- Hubie, Hubie! - Let me tell you something.
If you know what's good for you, don't you ever come back!
You're not gonna find someone who has the relationship...
with those animals that I do.
Listen to the dogs. They love me!
It all started when I was 15.
That's when I invented the artificial cow heart.
Oh, that was a big thing.
A little before your time, but it made the newspapers.
ABC, NBC, CBS, they picked up on it.
But it's more or less a hobby for me, boys.
[Boy] Scoot over!
Actually, today I decided...
I've gone about as far as I can go in the animal health-care business.
The reason that I'm not at work this afternoon...
is because I was made an offer I cannot refuse. I sold.
Whatcha gonna do with the cash?
Invest it overseas, projects in Eastern Europe.
I don't know. I've got everything.
Jim, you just bought the animal hospital.
How come you sold it so fast?
Tax problem.
And here's my accountant right now.
Earl, take a bow. Ha-ha-ha!
20 minutes for lunch. Go buy another suit.
He works for me.
He's scouting some real estate for me,
but the market's real tight.
I like the new uniform, Lorraine.
With the right shoes and handbag,
that might be suitable for a cocktail party.
So... question.
When in the world are you going to start serving sashimi?
Maybe when I find out what it is.
You've never heard of sashimi?
You've got to be kidding.
It's this special Japanese fish you eat raw.
A little butter sauce,
and you're ready to go to heaven.
I'd hire you in a minute if I hadn't already fired you so many times.
Did you ever think of leaving town?
Thousands of people over in St. Louis...
got no idea how full of shit you are.
You've been alive for 21 years, my friend.
Plenty of time for most people...
to find a place for themselves.
Well, I'm not like everybody else.
- You know what I'm saying? - Yeah, that's for sure.
How about if I...
I work for you for free?
[Bell]
No.
I'm afraid not, Jimmy.
Think about St. Louis.
- Hey, Josie. - Hi.
- Fill her up? - Fill her up.
How you doin'?
You got fired again, didn't you? Didn't you?
Who told you that?
- Hubie Marshall called me at work. - He called you at work?
That's it, I'm gonna... What'd he say?
He said he fired ya!
He said that? And you believed him?
Damn straight I do!
With all due respect, Dad, you're Mr. Gullible. Sometimes.
The truth of the matter is, Dad, I resigned.
- I'll tell you something else. - Shut up, Jimmy!
I had no idea the job was gonna be a hire/fire situation.
Luther Betenhauser's boy is doing better.
- What's wrong with him? - Fell off his grandfather's silo.
- He's got brain damage. - He does not.
Hoover Fey says his tongue's gonna hang out his mouth the rest of his life.
And when he dies,
at the funeral they're gonna put a mask on him.
Do I have to listen to this while I'm eating?
Let's talk about something else.
Josie McClellan moved to New York.
She did not. I saw her today.
I don't know how you could.
I heard she got tired of taking care of her father,
and she told him to jump in a lake,
and left to get her M.B.A. In high-fashion design...
at the University of New York City.
I just saw her at the gas station in living color.
We had a cup of java together.
I'm gonna take Lou Selby's word over yours any day.
Lou Selby's a drunk.
For a guy who's just lost his umpteenth job,
you sure are handy with the tongue sword.
- You got canned again? - Well, he didn't get canned.
He got fired.
That's gotta be a record.
Not only are you an obnoxious slug,
but you're a freeloading obnoxious slug.
You should talk.
In your mid-forties, still living at home.
I'm twenty-four, and I pay rent.
- So do I. - You did pay rent.
Dad, you mean you're cutting my rent?
Hell, no!
You're not paying rent because you don't have a job or any money.
You're out of school and you live in this house, you pay rent.
# I wanna stay home #
# I wanna stay home right here #
# I wanna stay home today #
Jim! Yo, Jim!
Jim, wake up!
Hey, get up!
Get u-u-up!
# When my day begins ##
[Jim] You know, getting this job,
restoring your faith and pride in me is a number-1 priority.
Priority ought to be making something of yourself.
That's right up there.
When I was your age, I couldn't wait to get out of my folks' house.
I love living at home.
I don't think this is such a great place for me to work.
Okay,
say I don't get this job, hypothetically.
Are you gonna be upset?
You don't get this job, you're on a bus to St. Louis.
St. Louis?
Uncle Jeff's offered you work in his garden shop.
I don't know anything about gardening.
You will learn!
I'm getting a feeling that you want me out of your life.
I don't want you out of my life, I want you out of my house.
- Wow. - Out!
Okay, okay, okay.
- Sure I can't offer you a bear claw? - No, thanks.
- They're good, fresh. - No, I'm fine.
You don't want one, and I don't need one.
- Right! - I love the darn things, though.
I could eat those by the dozen. By the looks of it, I have.
Right.
I'm so excited that you're considering...
joining the Target team. We all are.
I appreciate that.
Good. Then let's cut right to the chase.
We're prepared to offer you $42,500 a year...
with a full benefit package.
That's dental, medical,
profit sharing, pension,
expense account, car allowance,
vacation, of course,
and any and all relocating expenses.
This is our first, best, and last offer. What do you think?
Well... um, C. D...
with all due respect,
I came in here...
with the number forty-five in mind, and...
## ["Jeopardy Theme"]
Hmph.
[Chuckling] You've got me.
- Forty-five it is. - [Laughing]
- Welcome aboard. - Thank you.
- I'd like to buy you lunch. - No, no, no.
Your money's no good here. Lunch is mine.
- I'm not going to argue. - Better not. I'm bigger than you.
[Intercom Buzzer]
Hang on a second. I told her to hold my calls.
Yeah, Peg. Uh-huh.
No, it's okay.
- He's right here with me now. - Hi, Peg.
We just closed the deal. Uh-huh.
It was a slam-dunk, too. I got him for forty-five.
[Chuckling]
No, he's right here.
What do you mean he missed the plane?
Then who the hell am I talking to?
Ohhh!
I'll, uh... I'll get back to you.
I know a great, little Italian place...
that has the best pasta primatonis in the wor...
Excuse me a minute, will you please?
- Lovely wife you have there. - Dodge, James?
- Mm-hmm. - [Clears Throat]
James, I'm afraid we have a little misunderstanding.
You see, I thought you came in for the, uh...
operations manager's job.
I have you down here as night cleanup boy.
Well, I'm a little overpaid...
for night cleanup boy, wouldn't you say?
The truth is, James, I can offer you $4.44 per hour.
Uh, four, four... $4.44...
- $4.44. - What about the benefits?
Two fifteen-minute breaks and a half hour for lunch.
And the title is, uh, night... cleanup boy.
Yes.
I'll take it.
Oh, and, uh... Iose the curl.
- Welcome to the Target team. - Thank you.
[Man] So the parrot says, "Of course I can talk."
- Can you fly? - [Laughing]
I don't want any damn Japanese automobile plant in this town.
It... it means jobs.
I don't need a job.
Your governor's tryin' to use my town as a political chip.
[Roger] I resent that.
There could be some specific benefits for you personally.
[Roger] Josie!
- Yeah? - Come here.
Meet these gentlemen from the governor's office.
Come on in here, honey.
Honey, I want you to meet Bill, uh...
Uh, Bob. Bob Bosenbeck.
Bob.
Dave.
My pleasure, Dave.
Right. Dave Hockner.
I don't want to interrupt.
Very nice to meet both of you.
Bye.
[Hockner] Bye.
[Roger] Josie?
Josie!
[Footsteps]
You pull another stunt like you did today,
I'll beat the livin' daylights outta you!
[Passionate Moaning]
- [Gasping] - All right, out!
[Screaming]
Out of the vehicle, ma'am. Get out of here!
Get out of the car!
Right on time!
Everything's going as planned.
You ordered a limousine?
Of course.
My first day of work.
How's it gonna look if my dad drives me?
A little treat for getting the job.
It was only fifty bucks.
[Whistling]
- Right on time, Henry. - Yes, sir.
Henry, the sign... very wrong.
Ciao!
Hey, Jim, where you going?
Hello, boys.
Going to Paris on an F-14.
Got a peace meeting with the vice president of Bulgaria.
Business, you know? Then I'm going to Venice,
for a spaghetti dinner with the princess of Austria.
A beautiful lady... really big bones.
Remember to brush your teeth, Melvin!
You, too, Sidney! Adios!
Jim is so cool!
## [Pop]
Bobby.
Got a loose tile here. In the morning...
take care of it.
I don't need a lawsuit, okay?
I've got enough to worry about.
Who's he?
[P.A. System] Attention, shoppers.
The store will be closing in five minutes.
Bring all your purchases to the front.
## [Continues]
- Are you a slacker? - No, uh, Presbyterian.
What did you say? What did you say?
I'm askin' you a simple question.
- Are you lazy? - No, sir.
The last guy that wore that uniform was a lazy slacker, and I fired his butt.
Uh, about the uniform, will I be getting my own?
You work out, which I doubt, you can have a new name patch.
Would I be able to have it laundered? It smells a little like Darnell.
I don't think you know who you're messin' with.
After you clean the ladies' and mens' crappers...
and you'd better be able to eat off those bowls...
you clean my coffee maker, then wax my desk.
Uh, clean what?
- Clean my coffee maker and wax my desk! - I got it!
Sweep the aisles, startin' with health and beauty.
Work your way over to juniors and misses.
Ups and downs, leaving your debris in the cross aisles.
So, I start with health and beauty...
I just said to start with health and beauty!
Then you do your cross aisles.
That'll bring your dust bin into play.
Take the debris. Load it into the dustbin.
Take the dustbin out to the loading dock...
and empty it into the receptacle.
- Got that? Easy as pie. - Yeah.
I was employed briefly at Del Taco, and...
I don't care about your Del Taco experience.
We've got this problem in this store with grazers.
- You know what a grazer is? - Is that a farm term?
It's a customer or employee that eats off the shelves,
similar to a cow grazing in a field of grass.
Only this isn't a field of grass, and you're not a cow.
There's no eatin'. You're not being paid to eat, so don't!
- Any questions? - Not right off hand.
- Think you can handle it? - I'll give it the old college try.
Don't touch me!
Well, despite our age difference,
I think I'll enjoy working with you.
Let's get something straight. You ain't workin' with me.
You're working for me.
- Still, it'll be fun being around you. - I ain't gonna be near you.
I'm gonna be home pumping the pasties out of Colleen Jackson.
- You're not going to be here? - Hell, no.
I'm gonna be here by myself?
That's right. And you'd better stay out of the ladies' undergoods.
Wait a minute! Nobody told me I'd be here alone.
- What are you doing? - Saving money.
Wait! Are you turning off the lights?
In 25 seconds, you got light in every third aisle.
When the sun comes up, turn off all the lights.
I don't understand. Hold on!
I'm locking you in.
When I come back at 7:00 to open up,
I'll let you out.
- You're locking me in? - What do you take me for, a fool?
Nobody gets keys on their first night. Nobody!
Get to work!
- What if there's a fire? - The fire department will come.
- I could perish! - Ha-ha-ha. Boo!
You can't do this. I'm locked in, alone, in the dark.
That was not a part of my employment agreement.
# You got to wash with the crocodile in the river #
# You got to swim with the sharks in the sea #
# You got to live with the crooked politician #
# Trust those things that you can never see #
# Ay yeah, yeah Ay yeah, yeah #
Agh!
# It's a cruel, crazy beautiful world #
# Every day you wake up I hope it's a blue, blue sky #
# It's a cruel, crazy beautiful world #
# One day when you wake up #
# I will have to say good-bye #
# Say good-bye #
# It's your world so live in it, good-bye #
# It's your world so live in it... ##
9:17!
Time for a break.
Hello.
Anybody out there?
When I accepted...
the post of president, grand poobah of Target,
realizing that I had brought...
meaningfulness, peace, and happiness...
into the lives of thousands of people.
Jim Dodge, of Monroe,
top moneymaker on the tour.
His father's here today, Bud Dodge,
and sister Penny, a sad, sad story,
was just admitted to University Hospital.
While trying to pop a zit, her head mysteriously exploded.
[Phone Ringing]
[Jim] Dad! Hi!
Do you know what time it is?
I'm starting to think about Christmas and gifts,
because I'm in a big store and I'm getting gift ideas.
- Hi. - Mom, hi!
How's it going?
I finished all my janitor stuff.
Most of it. I've got to save some for later.
- It's easy as hell. - Uh, honey, it's a little late.
It is kind of late.
Sleep tight.
See you in the morning.
- [Dial Tone] - Love you, too.
Mr. James Dodge!
He can't be happy as the night cleanup boy.
Sweetheart,
he wants us to call him a janitor.
Maybe I should have spent less time harping...
and more time helping.
Harpin' and helpin' him what?
Harpin' on him to leave, and helpin' him become...
the good, mature, productive person he could be.
Are you all right?
Yes, I'm fine, thanks. And you?
What are you doing here?
I work here.
Have a good one, Officer Don.
Okay, Carl. Let me know if you hear anything.
You bet.
Well, sir, she didn't leave on the bus.
Let's look for her someplace else.
She wouldn't be dumb enough to thumb, would she?
Does she have any friends she might have run off with?
Boyfriends?
Just get in the car so we can look for the girl.
I'm tired, haven't had any coffee.
My daughter, I don't know where the hell she is.
And you're sounding like some goddamn preacher!
Come on, get in the car!
Prick.
Are you sure you didn't hurt yourself?
Oh, no. Are you kidding?
No, I'm fine. I'm fine.
Can I ask what you were doing?
I was roller-skating.
- I know, but why? - Why not?
I got bored. One thing led to another...
and I'm roller-skating in my shorts.
Better question would be, "What are you doing here?"
Shopping.
We've been closed for five hours.
Yeah. I fell asleep.
- While shopping? - No, in the ladies' dressing room.
That makes no sense. You're a high-profile young ingenue.
I was debating whether or not to get arrested for shoplifting.
Your father owns $10 million worth of real estate.
- It's not my fault. - I didn't imply such.
It seems funny that someone of your...
- Wealth? - If you will. Would shoplift.
I didn't do it. I chickened out.
Would consider shoplifting.
It's a long, self-indulgent, highly unromantic story...
about an overbearing father,
deceased mother and brother,
and a completely confused girl who looks a little like me.
I sure am glad you dropped by.
I was getting tired of being with myself.
I guess... I'm what you call a people person.
- What are you cooking? - Hobo chicken.
It's a glazed chicken in wine sauce...
with vegetables and skin-on potatoes.
Silverware, silverware.
It's only 210 calories.
I don't know if you're watching your figure, but I sure am.
If you can grab a serving spoon, I think we'll be set.
Keep your distance from these things.
I think it's safe to keep five feet.
I think they're about done.
Dining room's right this way.
Mmm!
I think my father poured the cement for your pool.
He's a cement contractor. Good man.
Bud Dodge?
My mother works at Hoenicker's over Christmas.
My sister's a teller at the bank.
My brother's in grade school. He's not employed.
I used to work at the animal shelter,
but I was terminated. Now I'm working here.
Do you always talk this much?
I guess I do.
I like talking to people.
- Maybe you should go into sales. - I've actually tried that.
Some fresh ground pepper?
Please.
Some people don't like a lot of pepper. Say when.
That's fine.
I happen to really like it a lot.
It enhances the natural flavor of the chicken.
I hope you don't take this the wrong way.
I've had dreams about you.
You've had dreams about me?
Not recently.
I've had dreams about you in the past.
I've had dreams about entire cheerleading squads,
so don't get me wrong.
- It's kid stuff. How 'bout you? - Do I dream?
That's about all I do.
[Roger] Raisin' a kid's hard work. You got any kids?
No, sir. And from listening to you,
and from observin' this,
I'm kinda grateful Emily turned up infertile.
Shouldn't you be cleaning up the store?
I got plenty of time.
- Big store. - Huge.
Always smoke cigars?
I enjoy a good one after a fine meal.
It settles the stomach.
You're the town liar, right?
- What? - I'm sorry.
That really came out wrong.
- How could it come out right? - That's what people call you.
- I didn't mean to imply it's true. - People call me that?
- I thought you knew. - That I was the town liar?
- You didn't? - No. I'm not.
- You have the wrong information. - I didn't mean to offend you.
- Did you think that was a compliment? - No. And I apologize.
- I can't repeat things like that. - Don't think about it.
As I said, you've got the wrong information.
If people are calling me that,
it's because they're small, petty and jealous.
Small towns are notorious for that.
- I'm sure there's a word for me. - Sure.
- What do they call me? - A tease.
Tease?
Yeah, I can see that.
Actually, I never teased.
This is becoming amusing,
- but who exactly calls me a liar? - Everybody.
- No, not everybody.
- There's some old people in town. - Right.
- What do you think? - What do I think?
Do you think I'm a liar?
I don't know you well enough.
You've known me for 17 years. We went to the same schools from kindergarten on.
I knew of you, but I didn't know you personally.
That's always bothered me.
I mean that old... in-out, us-them thing.
- That's the way it's been. - It's always bothered me.
- It's water over the dam now. - But it's your dam and my water.
I got crapped on a lot of years.
I meant that it's in the past.
The present is a result of the past.
I look at my high school yearbook...
and I don't see four fabulous years.
I'm reminded of what it feels like...
to have my underwear yanked up my ass...
by some big football player.
And where are those guys now?
They're not working nights at Target. I'll tell you that.
Yeah, You know...
I look at my yearbook...
and I see four fabulous years...
that are gonna be the highlight of my life.
Here's what it's like.
First you feel a hand going down your pants...
and tighten around the elastic waistband.
Highlight.
- Sometimes I'd actually see stars. - It's not going to get better.
If I was particularly unlucky,
my shorts would rip completely free and I'd get this really drastic...
Do you hear me?
Yeah.
I don't really care about a graphic description of a childhood prank.
That prank was a motif in my life.
You know, I'm locked in this store here...
because I didn't have the guts to steal a skirt...
so I could get arrested and embarrass my father...
in this stupid, desperate, childish,
pathetic attempt to leave home.
You have your underwear yanked up your ass.
I have my entire life yanked up my ass!
You were speaking figuratively. I was speaking literally.
And you're happy. You're happy.
I'm not happy.
I'm working nights. Everybody thinks I'm a liar.
My whole family's laughing at me.
Reverend Harwell gave me the finger last week.
At least you have some control over your life.
- So do you. - My father controls my life.
You're over 18. You can tell him to drop dead.
- So can you. - I don't want to.
I like living at home.
- No, you don't. - Am I a garden snail?
An involuntary muscle in a janitor suit?
I know what I want to do.
What could you possibly like...
about living at home at your age?
The meals are great. I mean, there's cable.
The accommodations are excellent, five-star.
What do you care if I'm living at home or not?
Hey, I didn't come here to irritate you.
Well, you're beginning to.
Great. That's really great.
I gotta stop saying those kinds of things.
Those freakin' kids! I knew I couldn't trust 'em.
Town liar. That's a nice rep.
I bet it was Gregory, that little weasel.
Top secret, and they still shoot off their mouths!
If I'd really been a French spy,
those little tots would've gotten me killed!
Piano wire wrapped around my neck. My testicles shoved down my throat.
A piece of dynamite stuck up my ass!
She's so beautiful.
And I'm the town liar.
# Sha-la-la-la-la La-la-la #
# Shiny boat through the open doorway #
# Fell in love on a summer day #
# You're only young once but that's all right #
# Because it's just so good to be alive #
# Take away your troubles Take them out the door #
# Ohh, nothing on my mind except my new love #
# Nothing on my mind except my new love #
# Sha-la-la-la-la La-la-la #
# Sha-la-la-la-la La-la-la ##
[Music Stops]
[P.A. System] Jim, there's no reason to lie right now.
There's no one to impress.
I'm not impressed by a man telling me he likes living at home.
Excuse me, I'm not lying,
and I'm not trying to impress you.
So if you'll excuse me,
I have to clean dead flies out of the lighting fixtures.
Okay, my error. I apologize.
It's just that I can't imagine a man...
giving up his independence, his right to mate,
to have a family,
to build a life for himself, for good cooking.
Hold on.
I have not given up my right to mate.
I have the right to mate...
anytime I feel like mating.
You go out with someone.
You bring her home. You introduce her to...
Mom, Dad, Sis, Billy,
Wolfie the dog.
Cocktails in the rumpus room, and then do it on the bunk bed?
Let's analyze that remark.
I don't have a dog,
my brother's not named Billy,
and I don't even have a rumpus room.
You know what I mean.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Spit on me, make me feel lousy.
Jim?
You said something that wasn't true.
No.
No, I said that I can have sex when I want to, and I do.
However, I was looking forward...
to a nice, quiet evening of janitoring.
I don't think you see what I'm getting at.
I see what you're getting at.
I'm a lying monk with an Oedipus complex and an appetite for home cooking.
Don't forget, you're the indecisive shoplifter.
Yes! Exactly.
I would do anything to be in your shoes.
These are Darnell's shoes.
You have freedom, and you're not using it.
It makes me sad.
You have the wealth of the entire town, and you're trying to get arrested.
- That makes me sad. - That makes me sad, too.
- That's pretty stupid. - It's very stupid.
Are you serious?
I mean, you haven't been drinking?
This isn't the bottle talking?
No.
Then why don't you just talk to the guy?
For the same reason that you can't leave home,
I can't tell my father to go to hell.
Why not?
Because I don't want to be alone.
Mr. McClellan?
You ever have any family problems, you and your daughter?
What the hell do you think this is?
You got a point.
Would you go with me somewhere?
- Where? - Florida?
Wyoming? Spain?
It doesn't really matter, just away somewhere.
I'd love to.
I just can't afford to be...
capricious and carefree like yourself.
I've gotta set my sights on something, and really go for it.
- Night janitor? - It's a beginning.
- I-I'm lookin' at... - It's an end.
Maybe if you had a destination in mind,
that would make all the difference in the world.
- Why? - Well, uh,
I'm just not built to aimlessly roam the world.
I'm too conservative for that.
Well, I was thinking about Los Angeles.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- What for? - Live, work.
- At what? - Whatever.
And what about your father?
When I don't die,
he'll realize I can make it on my own.
If I do, he'll have the satisfaction of knowing that I can't.
If he brings me back, or if I go back on my own,
he's just gonna beat the shit out of me.
- So it doesn't make a difference. - Literally?
Yeah.
- Sad. - Yeah, it's sad.
Until he throws you across the room, it's sad.
I'm afraid to live with him, and I'm afraid to live without...
You didn't come to work to hear this stuff. I'm really sorry.
I'm gonna clean this up.
I'm just surprised.
I thought everything was okay, you know.
I figured you got a nice car, a nice house, some money.
- Everything's okay. - It should be, but it's not.
It's twisted and it's distorted,
and it can't be changed and it cannot be saved.
I'll go with you.
Really?
Yeah.
We have to get a car.
Let's get through the night, first.
- I have money. - How much?
Fifty-two thousand dollars.
On you?
In my purse.
Fifty-two thousand dollars. Wow.
I've never seen so much money in my life.
This is more than my house cost.
Jim, now that I'm spending the night,
how can I pay you back...
for being so cold to you in high school?
Do you need an answer right away?
No. Sometime before the sun comes up.
Well, uh,
you're probably not going to remember this,
but, uh,
there was a homecoming dance our sophomore year.
- Mm-hmm. - Do you remember Mrs. Noble?
Large, hairy gym teacher with suspiciously cumbersome groin bulge?
I had her for two years.
She made everybody switch partners...
because the fat girls were dancing together,
and the doinks, myself included, were against the wall blowing spit bubbles.
Right.
Well, for three-quarters...
of one verse of a slow song,
we danced together.
You reeked of Stri-Dex.
Oh, no, that was Larry Fry.
I'm sorry.
I don't remember.
- You got your hair caught in my braces. - I don't remember.
Well, it's not important.
I had... Well, I had just always...
dreamed of finishing that dance.
Okay.
Don't feel you have to answer right away.
It's just a small portion of my life that's incomplete.
I thought you were gonna say something different.
Well,
first things first.
# When things go wrong #
# As they sometimes will #
# When the road you're trodding seems all uphill #
# When the funds are low #
# And the debts are high #
# And you wanna smile but you have to sigh #
# When care is pressing you down a bit #
# Rest if you must #
# But don't you quit #
# Oh no #
# Don't you quit #
# Oh no #
# But you never can tell #
# How close you are #
# It may be near when it seems so far #
# Ooo ooo ##
[Giggling]
- [Laughing] - You're ticklish there?
[Laughing]
Aaah!
Ow.
[Squeaking]
Officer Don!
You scared the crap out of me. I thought it was the custodian.
What are you doing?
I work here now.
[Squeaking]
You wanna let me in?
I'd love to. I don't have the keys.
I'm locked in 'til 7 a.m.
- What's going on? - Have you seen Josie McClellan?
Of course.
Uh, dark hair, green eyes, beautiful.
Oh, yeah. Of course.
- You seen her recently? - Oh!
Ah... I just saw her yesterday.
We had a cup of java together.
She come into the store?
I don't know. I only work nights.
- Why? - Well... she's missing.
I was looking this side of town for her and I come past.
I seen that the outside sign's on.
- The outside sign's never on. - Oh, yeah.
Did you try the library? Maybe she fell asleep reading.
No.
She's probably screwing somebody...
the old man don't approve of.
Would you know if the custodian comes by to check up on people?
I wouldn't think he'd do that, Jimmy.
I feel pretty good now.
I'm sorry, sir.
I had to practice a little therapy.
Boy's in his own world.
# Can't believe you've left me #
# So know that you've upset me #
# You just want to forget me #
# Why don't you come and get me #
# And, boy I really miss you #
# And all I wanna do is kiss you #
# I've used up all my tissues #
# 'Cause it's more serious some issues #
# I don't even know the reason #
# You were playin' and you were teasin' #
# Didn't tell me you were leavin' #
# Those good looks are deceivin' #
# Where are you, baby We used to have so much fun #
# You drive me crazy #
# Somebody tell me where he's gone #
# Where are you, baby We used to have so much fun #
# You drive me crazy #
# You peep in through the window #
# This is too much for me to handle #
# Already caused a scandal a disturbance like a vandal #
# I've lost track of all time #
# 'Cause you're always on my mind #
# You're just that type of guy that'll make me cry #
# Oh why, oh why, oh why Oh why has he disappeared #
# This feeling is really weird #
# You're reckless and you're dear Can you feel when I drop these tears #
# Where are you, baby We used to have so much fun #
# You drive me crazy #
# Somebody tell me where he's gone #
# Where are you, baby We used to have so much fun #
# You drive me crazy #
# Where are you, baby We used to have so much fun ##
Aaah!
Why don't we get underneath the bench?
Do you want to get on top?
You check the office. I'll scope the dressing rooms.
Right.
You're on top.
- Did you want to be on top? - Oh, no.
I'm fine where I am.
Sure.
[Whispering] Ow, ow, ow.
I think he went to the back.
- [Gasp] - Evening.
Nice.
Excellent.
Hey, you got a tattoo?
No, sir.
- Not you, asshole! - I'm a missing person.
The whole town is looking for me.
- You hidin' out? - Yes.
I'd appreciate it if you'd let us sit up.
- What about the tattoo? - I don't have one.
- You owe me a buck. - Actually, it's up to two.
I borrowed that one off you at Burger King.
Excuse me!
Are you planning to shoot us in the back of the head?
We haven't decided yet, have we?
Who are you?
Ah... you don't want to know.
Wouldn't have asked if he didn't want to know!
- He's a little crazy. He's my brother. - That's not true.
She doesn't even know me.
- Somebody better start talking straight here. - That's the truth.
Okay.
You want to know?
Mm-hmm.
Okay, good. But...
come on over here.
- What? - Come on over.
Come on over here!
Over here.
Come on down here.
That's right. Down here!
Okay.
You dumb sons of bitches!
Do you realize that you have just walked...
straight into a $60-million drug transaction?
You're running this multi-zillion-dollar drug transaction by yourself?
- Little Target boy? - No.
No, I'm not doing it by myself.
Oh, no, no.
As a matter of fact,
in about 10 minutes...
this place is gonna be alive with the meanest,
ugliest, most impatient animals you guys have ever seen.
I'll give you five minutes to take...
whatever you want in the whole store.
I won't tell. Take your guns and go.
Okay, then, who's the girl?
- I'm his hostage. - Yes. Yes. Yes.
Is that true? Hmm?
Yes! Yes, it's true.
And, um...
if the deal doesn't go down, she becomes pig feed.
Bullshit.
Oh, really?
- Well, blow her away. - That's bullshit!
Okay.
Then give me your guns and I'll do it for you.
It's bullshit, right?
We'll see.
Roll over.
- You heard him. - What?
Roll over! You too, honey.
You heard me. Roll over. Do it!
Come on, come on! Roll! That's it.
- Very good. - Mmm! Yeah.
Um... give me the guns!
No way, man. Uh-uh.
Fine.
You do it. I don't need her anymore.
- I only needed her to get through customs. - I don't like this.
This sucks. It's not worth it.
- We don't have time. Do it! - All right.
It's nothing personal.
- Jim! - Too late. They're here!
It's too late. They're here.
- Men, hold your fire. - [Radio Chatter]
Ned, Tommy, hold your fire.
There are infrared scopes trained on your heads.
- We didn't want this! - It's the girl you want, not us!
Ned, we got a WD-40. That's right, a full-scale PMS.
Okay, everybody just relax!
Everybody, just relax! The place is gonna blow.
Just relax. Now, put down your guns.
They're putting down the guns. Are you putting them down?
Get down 'cause lives are at stake.
Let go. Now get back.
Get back. Spread 'em. Spread the legs. Put down the dogs.
Okay, put the dogs down.
Both of 'em!
Put the dogs down! Down!
- That was great! - I got a surprise for you guys.
[Gil] We have a bit of a surprise for you.
Them guns aren't loaded.
I got an idea. How about a truce?
I'm full of shit. You're full of shit.
Everybody at one time is full of shit.
I'll throw on some corn dogs and we'll get to know each other.
I'd like to know what goes on inside your heads.
- Okay, you had the big one... - No.
Sorry. I could've sworn you had the big one.
Ha!
I lied.
These are the men that killed that guy in Saltburg.
I'm fairly sure that we're gonna die.
I'm disappointed we're not going to California together.
We're not dead yet.
Pretty darn close.
If I can get them to take me with them,
maybe I can get away and come back for you.
We need a car and they obviously have one.
Just...
- go along with whatever I do. - Okay.
So, what's the word on you two?
Are you married? Obviously...
you're hack crooks if you can't pull off a discount store job.
What were you planning to steal? Hair spray?
[Chuckle]
Sorry.
Lady, you got a job?
No.
Then don't knock ours.
Crime isn't a job. It's a sickness.
Whoops. Anyone have some change?
[Coins Spilling]
You look like a lady in need of a quarter.
I might need more than just a quarter.
- You know... - No.
You and I could make a lot of money.
Honey, me and Nestor are partners.
- We don't need a third. - You don't know, so shut up.
Hop on.
Now. Let's go now.
[Nestor] Know what you are?
Yeah.
You are one good-looking ball of trouble.
Good.
# Ya-ya-ya-ya Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya #
# Go #
What do you think, for the car?
- This one? - The whole thing. We'll lay it in back.
We got multi-cassette capabilities.
Think of the sound!
# Ya-ya-ya-ya Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya #
[Jim] I'm not helping you load your car.
Think again, boy.
You're not taking the stolen merchandise out.
- I'm not gonna let you. - Get out.
It's stolen. All of it!
- Gimme that! - No!
- Give it to me! - It's mine!
But where...
Wait a minute.
- You're not going with them? - Yeah.
You'll be an accessory.
- So? - You don't know anything about them.
You certainly don't know anything about him!
These are hardened criminals here!
That's enough!
Don't waste your time. You could get a hernia.
If my foot could talk,
it'd say, "May I please go up this geek's ass?"
- Forget him! - All right.
He's no use to us. He's built like an oyster.
Listen.
If you tell on us,
I'll kill you.
Fine.
Jim?
Don't be an ass.
Okay, Jimbo?
Let's go, shall we?
[Door Closes]
[Gil] Ahem.
C'mon, come on!
[Grunting]
You got it?
I got 'em, I got 'em.
[Gunshots]
[Jim Over P.A. System] That wasn't a store robbery.
That was an assassination.
That wasn't a clerk. That was a wise guy.
How do I know? I spent a little time...
with the FBI's organized crime unit.
I'm intimately knowledgeable with the seedy...
workings of the Mob in the midwest section of this country.
I know a gangland slaying when I see one,
and that's exactly what this baby is.
I'd look into it myself personally,
but I got a date tonight.
Attention, Target shoppers.
[Shotgun Blasts]
Jim?
He is so cool!
# Got my ray-bans on every day and night #
# Got a one-track mind that I wanna hide #
# Got an easy job that I try to keep #
# Got a bunch of girls and I got 'em cheap #
# Got a million things that I wanna do #
# But I waste my time hangin' out with you #
# It's not because I'm really easy to please #
# It's not the way you bring me down on my knees #
# It's just a feeling but it keeps coming back #
# It's a tiny little heart attack #
# Got a big guitar lookin' dynamite #
# Got a Thunderbird that I drive all night #
# Got a shoeshine boy working overtime #
# Gotta grow up soon but I never mind #
# Got a big fat guy takin' all the blame #
# For the chairs I break when you call my name #
# It's not because I'm really easy to please #
# It's not the way you bring me down on my knees #
# It's just a feeling but it keeps coming back #
# It's a tiny little heart attack #
# Just a tiny little heart attack #
# Got a snakeskin suit that I really like #
# Lookin' like the devil on a Friday night #
# Got a shark outside in the swimming pool #
# But there won't be trouble if you're stayin' cool #
# Got my mind made up that I'm leavin' you #
# But it won't be easy No, it won't be true #
# Got a snakeskin suit that I really like #
# Lookin' like the devil on a Friday night #
# Got a shark outside in the swimming pool #
# But there won't be trouble if you're stayin' cool #
# Got my mind made up that I'm leavin' you #
# But it won't be easy No, it won't be true #
# I'll never make it through a Saturday night #
# I'll never make another move in the lights #
# 'Cause if I see you and you're lookin' like that #
# I'll get a tiny little heart attack #
# It's not because I'm really easy to please #
# It's not the way you bring me down on my knees #
# It's just a feeling but it keeps coming back #
# It's a tiny little heart attack #
# Give me a tiny little heart attack #
# I want a tiny little heart attack #
# Give me a tiny little heart attack #
# I want a tiny little heart attack ##