AH-HYUCK.
♪ H-H-H-HIT IT ♪
♪ LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON ♪
♪ YOU'RE ALWAYS NUMBER ONE ♪ YES!
♪ BEST BUDDIES, BEST PALS ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
♪ YOU ALWAYS SEEM TO WORK THINGS OUT ♪
♪ CAN'T YOU SEE YOU'RE TWO OF A KIND ♪
♪ LOOKIN' FOR A REAL GOOD TIME? ♪
WHAA-OOO-HO-HO!
♪ A REAL GOOD TIME ♪
♪ REPORT TO THE GOOF TROOP ♪
♪ AND WE'LL ALWAYS STICK TOGETHER ♪
♪ ALWAYS STICK TOGETHER ♪
♪ WE'RE THE GOOF TROOP ♪
♪ THE BEST OF FRIENDS FOREVER ♪
♪ SIDE BY SIDE WHEREVER WE GO ♪
♪ WE'RE ALWAYS READY TO ROLL ♪
♪ NOW GIMME A BEAT ♪
♪ WE'RE THE GOOF TROOP ♪
♪ AND WE ALWAYS STICK TOGETHER ♪
GAWRSH. ♪ WE'RE THE GOOF TROOP ♪
♪ THE BEST OF FRIENDS FOREVER ♪
♪ NOW WE'RE CALLING EVERYONE ♪
♪ COME ALONG AND JOIN THE FUN ♪
♪ REPORT TO THE GOOF TROOP ♪
♪ LA DO BE DA BOP LA BA DO BOP ♪
YEAH!
PJ: AXED BY ADDITION! SLAIN BY SUBTRACTION!
(SIGHS)
EVERY TIME I SEE A NUMBER, I FREAK OUT!
I'M GOING TO FLUNK MY MATH FINAL FOR SURE!
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
SO, HOW'S DADDY'S LITTLE EINSTEIN?
(STAMMERING) UH...
FINE, DAD! RELATIVELY SPEAKING.
HA-HA! IT'S A JOKE.
JUST TRYING TO GET THIS MATH THING THROUGH MY HEAD.
WHY, YOUR HEAD CAN DO ANYTHING YOU PUT IT TO.
YOU GOT MY BRAINS IN IT!
WHAT SAY DADDY GIVES YOU A LITTLE POP QUIZ?
WHOA!
NOW, WHAT'S FIVE TIMES 12 TO THE TENTH POWER
DIVIDED BY EIGHT MINUS THE SQUARE ROOT OF SIX?
- WELL, UM... - AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT,
HOW MANY FEATHERS DOES A MONGOOSE HAVE?
AND WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THE UNKNOWN SOLDIER?
AND HOW MUCH WOOD WOULD A WOODCHUCK CHUCK,
IF A WOODCHUCK COULD CHUCK WOOD?
I CAN'T EVEN SAY THAT!
HA! YOU THINK THAT'S HARD?
YOU KIDS HAVE IT EASY.
WHY, WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE I FOUGHT FOR AN EDUCATION!
HAD TO TRUDGE 20 MILES THROUGH THE SNOW
AND DEFROST MY PENCIL TO TAKE A TEST!
WOULD'VE GOT MY PH. AND MY D,
IF I HADN'T EXCEEDED THE STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS ON HIGH SCHOOL.
BUT NOW I'VE GOT A SON
TO PICK UP WHERE I DROPPED A GRADE POINT.
AHH, YEAH, UM...
BUT WHAT IF-- THIS IS JUST IF--I FLUNK?
FLUNK?
AND MAKE MY BRAINS LOOK BAD?
IT'S A SIMPLE EQUATION!
YOU'RE GONNA PASS THAT TEST
IF YOU HAVE TO STUDY ALL NIGHT, SEE?
FLUNK AND YOU'RE GROUNDED FOREVER!
(DOOR SLAMS)
(WHIMPERING)
MAX! MAX, YOU'VE GOT TO HELP ME!
MAX!
NUMBERS FREAK YOU OUT, HUH, BUD?
WELL, YOU'RE NOT THE FIRST GUY
I SAVED FROM AN INVERTED FRACTION.
NOW, I COULD HELP YOU CHEAT ON THE TEST...
OR I COULD MAKE YOU A MATH GENIUS FOR LIFE!
BRAINS OVER CON.
BRAINS IT IS.
WE'LL START WITH THE EASY STUFF.
WHAT'S 2 PLUS 2?
OKAY, I KNOW THAT ONE. UH, 2 PLUS 2...
UM, 2 PLUS 2 IS, UM, 4,
AND 4'S 8, AND CARRY THE 2-- UH, JUST A MINUTE.
16 AND 2'S 18!
NO, NO, DIVIDE BY 4, IS UM...
(SIGHS)
NO WAIT, WAIT! DON'T TELL ME, MAN.
IT'S ON THE TIP OF MY TOENAIL!
UM, LET'S SEE...
5 TIMES 448 MILLION, AH, IT'S...
UM, UM...
I THINK THIS IS GOING TO TAKE DRASTIC MEASURES.
OH, DRASTIC IS GOOD! I LOVE DRASTIC.
I'LL DO ANYTHING TO PASS THIS TEST! ANYTHING!
UH, CAN I RETHINK THAT?
HEY, TRUST ME, PEEJANO, MY MAN.
WHEN I'M THROUGH,
YOU'LL MAKE EINSTEIN LOOK LIKE HOWDY DOODY.
ANSWER RIGHT AND YOU GET THIS!
A FUDGY WUDGY BAR. MMM, YOUR FAVE!
BUT ANSWER WRONG, AND THE YOKE'S ON YOU!
(BUZZER BLARING)
- ARE YOU READY? - UH-UH!
WHAT'S THE SQUARE ROOT OF 9!
UH, ROOTS AREN'T SQUARE, MAN.
THEY'RE LONG AND STRINGY AND-- 3!
FARMER NEEDS 400 POUNDS OF NAILS TO BUILD A BARN.
HOW MANY APPLES WILL IT HOLD?
WHAT DO APPLES HAVE TO DO WITH--
- (BUZZER BLARING) - HIS WHOLE CROP!
WHAT'S THE LOGARITHM OF 12?
THE CIRCUMFERENCE OF A CIRCLE?
HOW MANY CHICKENS DOES IT TAKE
TO CROSS THE ROAD?
WHAT KIND OF ANGLES DOES A SQUARE ROOT HAVE?
RIGHT. JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE. I, I--
RIGHT ANGLES IS CORRECT!
WHAT'S 2 PLUS 2?
UH, 4?
- 4 PLUS 4? - 8.
- 8 PLUS 8? - 14.
- (BUZZER BLARING) - 16!
MAX, NO MORE! I'M GOING TO BE SICK!
YOU'RE GOING TO BE BRILLIANT!
BUT ANSWER WRONG AND THE YOKE'S ON YOU!
(ECHOING) THE YOKE'S ON YOU!
THE YOKE'S ON YOU,
THE YOKE'S ON YOU...
COME ON, PJ! THE BUS IS HERE!
Pete: TOAST, SON?
TWO SLICES OR THREE?
2 PLUS 3 IS 5! MINUS 2 IS 3! MINUS 2 IS 1!
OKAY, SO YOU CAN ADD!
WANT AN EGG?
(SCREAMS)
OKAY, NO EGGS!
SAY, DON'T TELL ME YOU WANT A CANDY BAR FOR BREAKFAST?
(SCREAMS)
DOWN, PJ, DOWN!
(BABBLING)
AND TOAST AND JELLY AND ON THE SIDE A PIECE OF...
SAY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?
HE MEMORIZED THE MATH BOOK 47 TIMES.
I THINK HE'S GOT NUMBERS ON THE BRAIN.
HUH?
OH, PLAYING SICK, EH?
TRYIN' TO GET OUT OF THAT TEST, EH?
WELL, YOU CAN'T FOOL ME, SEE?
I WAS A FOOL WAY BEFORE YOU WERE BORN!
I DON'T CARE IF YOU'VE GOT BLISTERS ON THE BRAIN
OR WATER ON THE KNEE!
YOU'RE NOT MISSING THAT TEST!
NOW GO OUT THERE AND UPHOLD THE FAMILY IQ!
(CHATTER)
OKAY, PEEJ, NOW CRANK UP THOSE BRAIN CELLS!
YOU'RE GOING TO ACE THIS BABY, I KNOW IT.
2 PLUS 2 IS 4, TIMES 8 IS 32,
TIMES 4 IS 38, MINUS 2 IS 36, PLUS 5 IS 30...
Max: CIRCUMFERENCE OF A CIRCLE!
LOGARITHM OF 12!
40 AND 6 TO THE 23rd POWER!
ANSWER WRONG AND THE YOKE'S ON YOU,
YOU, THE YOKE'S ON YOU!
(BELL RINGS)
SO, EINSTEIN JR.,
HOW DOES IT FEEL TO ACE A TEST?
I DON'T KNOW. IT'S ALL A BLANK.
BUT YOU MEMORIZED THE BOOK!
YOU HAVE TO HAVE GOTTEN 'EM MOSTLY RIGHT, RIGHT?
HALF RIGHT?
PJ, A QUARTER RIGHT?
ALL I REMEMBER IS FLYING EGGS AND STUFF!
MAX! WHAT IF I FLUNKED?
FLUNKED? OH, NO!
WHEN YOUR DAD FINDS OUT, YOU'RE GONNA BE...
GROUNDED FOR LIFE!
OH, MAN, DAD WILL GET MY REPORT CARD
TOMORROW IN THE 3:30 MAIL!
ONLY 23 HOURS AND 14 MINUTES LEFT TO GO!
IT'S LIKE, AWFUL KNOWING WHEN YOUR LIFE'S GONNA END.
AW, PEEJ.
WAIT A MINUTE. IT'S NOT OVER YET!
YOU GOT 23 HOURS AND 14 MINUTES
TO DO EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED TO DO IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE!
EVEN THE STUFF I'D GET KILLED FOR?
WHAT'VE YOU GOT TO LOSE? PJ, YOU'RE DEAD MEAT ANYWAY.
OKAY, I WANNA EAT 200 GORILLA BURGERS.
- CHECK. - WATCH ALL 12 MUTILATOR MOVIES.
- GOT IT. - OH,
RIDE DOWN HAIRPIN HILL IN A SHOPPING CART.
A MUST.
GOTTA KISS CYNTHIA SNODFREW.
YEAH! OLD PERSIMMON LIPS!
OH! AND GO ON THE THREE WORST RIDES AT TERRORLAND!
WHOA! WELL, IT IS YOUR FUNERAL.
OKAY LET'S MOVE IT.
YOUR REPORT CARD COMES AT 3:30.
OH, MAN, WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?
WE GOT TO GO TO SCHOOL!
NOT IF WE'RE SICK WE DON'T!
SICK? COME ON, MY DAD DOESN'T LET ME STAY HOME
UNLESS I'M A WALKING CORPSE!
YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND.
SO, UH, WHAT LOOKS GOOD TODAY?
OUTER MONGOLIAN WORRY WARTS OR PERUVIAN PUS FACE?
AH, WE'LL MIX 'EM AND MATCH 'EM.
THE GROSSER THE BETTER.
- WELL, I DON'T-- - (SPLATTER)
YUCK!
EVEN IF YOUR DAD DOES SEND YOU TO SCHOOL,
NO WAY THEY'D LET YOU IN.
I ALWAYS KNEW BROCCOLI WAS GOOD FOR SOMETHING.
MAN, YOU OUGHTA BE HANGING IN A GALLERY.
YOU'RE A WORK OF ART! (SMACKING LIPS)
- (ALARM CLOCK RINGING) - Pete: (GROANING) PJ?
(YAWNING) RISE AND SHINE!
IT'S SHOW TIME!
Pete: COME ON, UP AND AT 'EM!
DAD, I DON'T FEEL SO GOOD.
CAN I STAY HOME?
(SCREAMING)
(STAMMERING)
YOU'RE DISINTEGRATING!
QUICK! EMERGENCY!
GET HIM... (SHOUTING GIBBERISH)
DAD, IT'S REALLY NOT THAT BAD.
GIMME A SIREN! I MEAN, AN AMBULANCE!
MY KID'S SICK WITH THE CRUD!
- (SIREN BLARING) - HUH?
OKAY, PJ! THE COAST IS CLEAR!
HUH?
CAREFUL! EASY! HE MIGHT FALL APART ANY MINUTE!
OH, NO!
HELP!
AW, DON'T WORRY, SON.
DADDY WILL GET YOU SPACKLED BACK TOGETHER!
(GROANING)
COME ON! OUTER MONGOLIAN WORRY WARTS
AND PERUVIAN PUS FACE!
AND THIS KID'S GOT 'EM BOTH!
CALLING DR. CHASM. REPORT TO SURGERY PLEASE.
DR. CHASM, REPORT TO SURGERY.
(SOBBING)
THE POOR LITTLE KID!
IT'S ALL MY FAULT!
I MADE HIM STAY UP ALL NIGHT STUDYING.
(SNIFFLING)
USED TO YELL AT HIM
FOR SQUEEZING HIS TOOTHYPASTE FROM THE WRONG END.
MADE HIM JOIN GUM POPPERS ANONYMOUS
AND KISS HIS LITTLE SISTER IN PUBLIC.
AND BRUSH THE DOG'S TEETH
AND USE A MANLY DEODORANT
AND WASH HIS SHOES BEFORE HE CAME IN THE HOUSE!
I EVEN MADE HIM USE A HANDKERCHIEF!
(SOBBING)
DELIVERY FOR ROOM 202. SIGN HERE, PLEASE.
HMM, SECOND ONE TODAY.
OKAY, WELL, WE'LL NEED A FULL BLOOD PANEL,
A BELLY BUTTON SCAN, AND A COMPLETE NOSE HAIR ANALYSIS.
WAIT! UH, I'M AWFULLY WEAK.
CAN I COME BACK NEXT YEAR, PLEASE?
DON'T WORRY. NOTHING TO IT.
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
NO! WAIT! OKAY, OKAY, I'M GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHING!
BUT ONLY IF YOU PROMISE NOT TO TELL MY DAD!
Max: (OVER P.A.) CALLING DR. HOWARD,
DR. FINE, DR. HOWARD,
REPORT TO SURGERY, PLEASE.
NO! NO! DON'T OPERATE! OKAY! OKAY! I GIVE! I GIVE!
I'M NOT REALLY SICK!
OH, YES, YOU ARE!
GANGWAY! GOT AN EMERGENCY HERE! CODE PURPLE! HEADS UP!
- CLEAR THE ROAD! - (PEOPLE SHOUTING)
WHOA!
AND THEN ONE TIME,
I MADE HIM PLUCK THE DOG HAIRS OUT OF THE CARPET
WITH TWEEZERS
AND SENT HIM TO OBEDIENCE SCHOOL
WHEN HE WOULDN'T CLEAN UP HIS ROOM.
(SOBBING)
I JUST WANT HIM TO FORGIVE ME,
AND IF THAT AIN'T THE TRUTH, MAY I GET STRUCK BY A--
WHAT THE...
SO HE TRIED TO PULL THE BROCCOLI OVER OUR EYES!
MR. PETE? YOUR SON IS GONE.
(SCREAMING)
HE MELTED AWAY!
GONE TO THAT GREAT BIG PLAYGROUND IN THE SKY!
NO, HE TOOK OFF! SPLIT! VAMOOSED!
BUT HE LEFT THIS!
HUH?
"STUFF I WANNA DO ON MY LAST DAY."
(WAILING) WHAT A KID!
(BLUBBERING)
GOING OUT WITH A BANG,
JUST LIKE I WOULD'VE DONE!
I GOTTA GET HIM TO FORGIVE ME
WHILE THERE'S STILL SOMETHING LEFT!
NO! NO! NO! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!
C'MON, PEEJ! ONLY THREE HOURS 41 MINUTES LEFT!
WHA... WHO... HUH...
PJ!
HOLD TOGETHER, SON! PAPA'S COMIN'!
THREE HOURS, 30 MINUTES TO GO!
WE'VE GOTTA MOVE AT WARP SPEED, DUDE!
OH, NO! I LOST MY LIST!
NO PROBLEMA. I KNOW IT BY HEART!
FIRST UP, 200 GORILLA BURGERS!
Man: YOU WANNA BE COOL WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL?
HUNKY MONKEY FANS, CHEW ON THIS!
THE GORILLA BURGER! TWO POUNDS
OF TONGUE-TANTALIZING MYSTERY MEAT!
EAT QUICK, PAL! STILL GOTTA SEE ALL 12 MUTILATOR MOVIES!
(GOBBLING)
Pete: TWO HUNDRED BURGERS?
MUST'VE BEEN ALL THOSE TIMES
I SENT HIM TO BED WITHOUT SECONDS!
PJ, I'M SORRY!
PJ!
HOLD IT, BUB!
I'M GIVING YOU A TICKET FOR JAY-DRIVING!
NO, PLEASE, MY KID...
I'LL NEED YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE
AND A SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER
AND A MAJOR CREDIT CARD,
AND A BIRTH CERTIFICATE,
ENLISTMENT PAPERS, IF YOU SERVED,
ENLISTMENT PAPERS IF YOU GOT DISCHARGED...
NOW WATCH 'EM QUICK, PEEJ, WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!
(CHAINSAW REVVING)
TOTAL SENSORY OVERLOAD! WHAT A BLAST, HUH?
(MUFFLED GROANS)
UH-OH, THAT'S ALL THE GORE WE GOT TIME FOR.
ALL 12 MUTILATOR MOVIES?
(SOBBING) AND I ALWAYS CALLED HIM YELLOW!
(SOBBING) FORGIVE ME!
AW, TELL IT TO THE JUDGE!
SON, SON!
UH, MAX? MAYBE WE OUGHTA TRY SOMETHING TAMER.
LIKE, SKY-DIVING OFF THE TRUMP TOWER!
WHEN MY BEST BUDDY'S LOOKIN' AT LIFE IN PRISON WITH NO PAROLE,
I'M NOT GONNA LET HIM MISS HIS LAST CHANCE TO BREAK HIS NECK!
PJ, WAIT FOR DADDY!
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMS)
MAX, YOU HEAR SOMETHING?
IF I DIDN'T KNOW BETTER, I'D SWEAR THAT SOUNDED LIKE DAD!
NAH!
(GASPING)
KID'S TAKING THAT HILL LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW!
OH, SON! DON'T CUT YOUR LIFE ANY SHORTER
THAN IT ALREADY IS!
(GASPING)
PJ!
(SIREN WAILING)
YOU AGAIN?
(BELL RINGING)
(SCREAMING)
MY BABY!
SOME FUN, EH, PJ?
CHECK IT OUT!
CYNTHIA SNODFREW!
WASN'T KISSING HER ON YOUR LIST?
(SMACK)
EW!
(COUGHING)
OH, THE POOR KID!
STARVED FOR AFFECTION!
I NEVER SHOULDA STOPPED KISSING HIM GOOD NIGHT!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(SCREAMING)
"HAVE YOU HUGGED YOUR KID TODAY?"
PJ!
Man: WELCOME TO TERRORLAND, THE SCARIEST RIDES ON EARTH!
GUARANTEED TO RATTLE YOUR CAGE
AND SPILL YOUR GUTS OR YOUR MONEY BACK!
THAT'S MY BOY!
DOESN'T WANNA GO SLOW AND PAINFUL,
WANTS TO GO FAST AND PAINFUL!
FIFTEEN MINUTES TILL YOUR DAD GETS YOUR REPORT CARD!
WE'VE STILL GOT THREE THRILL RIDES AND 10 BURGERS TO GO!
Pete: SON! SON!
IT'S DAD!
DON'T WORRY, I'LL STALL HIM!
LET GO, I'VE GOT TO TALK TO MY KID!
NO, NO! YOU SEE, HE'S CONTAGIOUS TILL 3:30!
OH, ME? WELL, I GOT ANTIBODIES.
YOU, YOU GOT A FAMILY! YOU CAN'T TAKE THE RISK!
WHAT ARE YOU... (STAMMERING) CONTAGIOUS?
WELL, I GUESS I CAN WAIT 14 MINUTES.
MEANWHILE, SHOW HIM A BANG-UP TIME ON HIS OLD MAN!
(SCREAMING)
NINE MINUTES AND COUNTING!
Max: MAN, ARE YOU BRAVE!
IT'S THE BARREL OF FUN!
(MUMBLING)
(SCREAMING)
(MECHANICAL RATTLING)
TWO MINUTES TO GO!
SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST,
THE HAMMER SLAMMER!
PEEJ, BEFORE YOU'RE GROUNDED FOREVER,
I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW...
YOU'RE THE BEST BUD I EVER HAD!
I FEEL LIKE I'M LOSING THE CHERRY ON MY SUNDAE.
THE FOAM ON MY ROOT BEER.
THE CRUD UNDER MY FINGERNAILS.
GO AHEAD, MAX. (HICCUPPING)
DO IT.
(SOBBING) WHAT A GUY.
(CLANGING)
I CAN'T LET HIM GET POUNDED TO A PULP
BEFORE HE HAS A CHANCE TO FORGIVE ME!
I GOTTA CHOOSE,
KILLER GERMS OR LIFELONG GUILT!
JUMP, SON! DADDY WILL SAVE YOU!
ONE MINUTE 12 SECONDS! GO! GO! GO!
YES! WE DID IT!
ERR... SON!
I WANT YOU TO KNOW
ALL THOSE NASTY HORRIBLE THINGS I DID TO YOU
WERE DONE WITH ONLY THE BEST INTENTIONS,
SO IF YOU COULD POSSIBLY FIND IT IN YOUR HEART TO FORGIVE...
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
HANG ON, I'LL GET IT.
HELLO? DR. HOWARD?
I CAN'T TALK NOW, MY KID ONLY HAS MINUTES TO LIVE!
NO, HE DOESN'T.
HE'S GOT A COMMON AILMENT AMONG SCHOOL-AGED CHILDREN
WITH TEST PERFORMANCE ANXIETY.
IT'S CALLED FAKING.
FAKING? WELL, THAT WILL BE FINE.
FAKING?
DAD, I DON'T FEEL SO GOOD.
WHY'D YOU CUT SCHOOL OVER A STUPID TEST?
WELL, 'CAUSE YOU SAID IF I...FLUNKED,
I'D BE GROUNDED FOR LIFE!
WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
THINKING I'D REALLY GROUND YOU FOR LIFE?
I'D NEVER GROUND YOU FOR LIFE!
HOW MANY TIMES I GOTTA TELL YOU?
DO AS I THINK, NOT MEAN WHAT I SAY!
JUST FOR THAT, YOU'RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE!
MILKSHAKE, I'M HOME!
AND PJ'S REPORT CARD CAME IN THE MAIL.
NOW SEE THERE, SUGAR CONE? HE GOT AN "A" IN MATH!
AN "A"?
YAHOO! MY KID WITH MY BRAINS GOT MY "A"!
SON, WE'RE GONNA CELEBRATE!
I'M TREATIN' YOU TO EVERYTHING YOU LIKE!
TERRORLAND, MUTILATOR MOVIES, THE WORKS!
I'M BUYIN' YOU 200 GORILLA BURGERS!
NO, NO, NO, 300 GORILLA BURGERS!
AND THEN, WHEN YOU ACE YOUR SCIENCE TEST NEXT WEEK,
I'LL BUY YOU 600!
(LAUGHS)
AIN'T LIFE GRAND?