[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
[FIRE ALARM BEEPING]
FRASIER: Oh, my God! Fire! Fire!
Eddie! Eddie! Where are you, boy?
FRASIER: Dad, wake up! Dad, are you in there?
-Eddie! Here, Eddie! -Dad! Dad, where are you?
-Have you seen Eddie? -No!
What's burning? Where is the fire?
-Eddie! -It's all right! It's all right!
False alarm. The one over me bed went off.
Thank God.
DAPHNE: And don't worry about Eddie.
He's back in my room. Oh, the noise the bloody thing makes.
It would be less upsetting to just wake up on fire.
-What the hell triggered it? -Who knows?
I was dozing quite peacefully when it started screaming away
for no reason at all.
FRASIER: I see. What have we here? Eddie?
You've been smoking in Daphne's bedroom. Bad dog!
I know, I know, you have a no-smoking rule.
I'm sorry.
But every now and again, I feel a bit tense,
and I find a ciggy can be very soothing.
Oh, yeah, it's real soothing.
It should only be about an hour until my heart stops fibrillating.
Oh, it figures… 3 a.m.
Of course this would happen on the night before I have an early-morning meeting.
-Daphne, aren't you going back to bed? -No, I'll just sit up for a bit.
I'm feeling a bit blue.
Anything you'd like to talk about?
No, no, you need your sleep.
It's nothing important.
Just this feeling that me life's a gaping sinkhole
and I'm just marking time while the flower of me youth rots on the vine.
Well, so long as you're sure.
[WHIMPERS]
I really wish you'd tell me about it.
Well, if you must know, it's me love life.
Really? You've been seeing a man?
Only when I close me eyes and concentrate.
I see. You're going through a bit of a drought, eh?
Small wonder.
The rare times I do go out, it's usually with your father.
People see us and assume I'm his daughter or else his girlfriend.
Either way, it's like having me own personal can of stud repellent.
Hmm.
Yes, well, I know how bleak these times can be,
but believe me, they come to an end sooner or later.
I remember a time back in Boston
I was going through what you're going through.
Just a week later, I met a lovely barmaid,
sophisticated, if a bit loquacious.
We fell madly in love.
We got engaged.
Of course, she left me standing at the altar,
but the point is, I didn't give up.
I took my poor, battered heart and offered it to Lilith.
She put it in her little Cuisinart and hit the puree button.
I rebounded. And look how far I've come.
I'm divorced, lonely, living with my father.
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
You know, I figured I'd find you here.
You know, you missed your meeting with the new station manager.
Oh, no, I completely forgot.
God, you look like you've been ridden hard and put away wet.
Yes, well, I was up till all hours of the night with Daphne,
competing to see which of us had the more pathetic love life.
On the bright side, I won.
Well, I know what your problems are.
-What are Daphne's? -Daphne?
Oh, she's just having trouble finding men.
-Oh. -Say no more.
No, Roz, Roz, no, please, really, it's not necessary.
You do not have to donate one of your boyfriends to Daphne.
Please, I'd be happy to.
No, still, one hates to break up a collection.
There you go, triple espresso, and my mocha latte…
Do those chocolate shavings look different to you?
-No. -Well, they do to me.
I think they've switched to an inferior domestic brand.
Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm.
Waxy.
Sven Botman. He's an aerobics instructor.
I don't think so.
Oh, oh, this one's perfect. Gunther Dietrich.
Oh, he's loads of fun, and he's a runway model.
A German narcissist?
There's an appealing combination.
-Okay, okay, okay, I'll keep looking. -Looking for what?
I'm helping Frasier find a man for Daphne.
What?
Here we go. He's a tennis instructor, and his name is Brick.
Dear God, Frasier. Sven? Gunther? Brick?
Why not just lather Daphne up with baby oil
and hurl her over the wall of a prison yard?
Excuse me, but I've dated all these guys.
Where do you think I came up with the imagery?
Listen, you little titmouse.
Niles, you are completely out of line,
and, Roz, he does have a point.
You and Daphne are entirely different kinds of women.
While Daphne is very shy and inexperienced, you are more, well,
a lot more, well, you'd be hard-pressed
-to find anyone who's more… -Oh, I get it.
Not one man I've ever dated is good enough for Miss Daphne.
Is that what you're trying to say?
No, that is what I'm trying not to say. You're not making it very easy.
-Oh, I'm out of here. -Oh, Roz, please, wait.
No, I can't stay. The fleet is in.
[SHRILL TONE PLAYING]
And this concludes our test of the Emergency Broadcast System.
Had this been a real emergency, your radio would be melting in your hands.
We'll be right back after these messages.
In the future, please keep your disgusting half-eaten food off my console.
In fact, just stay out of my sight.
You're still mad at me. I can tell.
Ooh, there's that keen sensitivity that keeps you in such demand with the ladies.
FRASIER: Oh…
Look, Roz, I'm sorry if I insulted you earlier, but the truth is,
I feel very protective about Daphne.
The kind of man I'm looking for has to be good-looking, smart, successful…
-Excuse me. -FRASIER: Yes?
-I'm Tom Duran, the new station manager. -Oh, Tom, hi.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
I'm so sorry about missing the meeting. I slept right through it.
Oh, yeah, me too. And I was there.
-Say, that's a beautiful tie. -Oh, thank you.
Yes, I got this in London at one of those custom shops.
It was just off of Sloane Square.
I just came from London.
I spent the last five years there working for the BBC.
Really? Yes, I love London.
-The museums, the theater… -Oh, yeah, I'm a big theater buff.
Three shows a week.
-I hated leaving. -Well, I can imagine. Why did you?
Well, I just kind of went through a messy breakup.
I thought I'd sleep better with a continent between us.
Yes, I know the feeling.
So… I take it, then, you're unattached?
Uh, yes, but I haven't given up hope.
Well, you may have come to the right place.
-Really? -Yes.
-You say you're very fond of the English? -TOM: Oh, yes, very much.
You know, I think I've always had a weakness for people
who are just a little eccentric.
-Really? -ROZ: Fifteen seconds.
-Oh. -It was nice meeting you.
Likewise, Tom.
Oh, say, Tom, this may sound like short notice,
but if you're not busy Saturday, why don't you come by my place for dinner?
-Nothing fancy. -Oh, thanks. I'd like that.
FRASIER: Great.
Hello, Seattle, we're back. Roz, whom do we have up next?
ROZ: We have James from Tacoma on line one.
FRASIER: Hello, James, I'm listening.
-JAMES: I'm glad you're listening… -Hey, Roz.
Oh, hey, Tom.
Boy, it's the same every job I take.
Word spreads like wildfire.
Oh, what's that?
Oh, you know, you tell one or two people you're gay,
and before you can blink, it's all over the station.
Well, they don't call it "broadcasting" for nothing.
You're not paying attention.
-He seems like a nice guy. -Oh, he's okay.
Well, I hope he's more than okay. He just asked me out on a date.
Frasier just asked you out on a date?
He asked me to his place for dinner.
So I wanted to ask you, is there any particular wine he likes?
There's something you need to know about Frasier.
What?
-He's nuts about Chardonnay. -Thanks.
DAPHNE: Does he ask permission first?
Oh, no, he just barges in and says he set me up with God knows who,
and I'm supposed to turn cartwheels like I'm bloody Cinderella.
Daphne, will you please relax?
Look, I told you, this is not a setup.
-Tom doesn't even know you'll be here. -Oh, an ambush, then.
Much nicer.
Me girlfriends in Manchester used to set me up all the time.
And it was always some gangly bounder with a boardinghouse reach.
And he wasn't going for the Colman's hot mustard, if you know what I mean.
Keep in mind that Tom is just a coworker coming by for a pleasant little dinner.
If some sparks should ignite, fine.
But there is no pressure, absolutely no pressure.
Is that what you're wearing?
-What's wrong with it? -[DOORBELL RINGS]
FRASIER: Don't you have something with a little more oomph?
I mean, what about that… Oh, that strapless number you have?
Do you have any idea how uncomfortable a strapless bra is?
Well, thanks to my fraternity days, as a matter of fact, I do.
-Tom, come on in. -Hi, Frasier.
-Good to see you. -Oh, I don't know.
-Something told me you'd like Chardonnay. -Oh, my, that's my favorite.
-So, what do you think of the place? -That's a hell of a view.
It's even better from the bedroom.
Why don't we just start with a drink?
Oh.
TOM: Oh, four places. Who's joining us?
Oh, well, just my, uh, little household.
My father and his physical therapist, charming Daphne.
You live with your dad?
Mm.
Ugh. I can't even imagine that.
I think it's great that you get along so well,
but doesn't having him here kind of put a crimp in your love life?
Not at all. No, well, except when I bring my dates home,
he tries to steal them.
He's quite the old rascal.
DAPHNE: Good evening.
Oh, well, look who we have here. Hmm.
Tom, I'd like you to meet Daphne.
Daphne, this is Tom Duran.
-Pleasure to meet you. -Likewise.
Dr. Crane, you didn't take his coat.
-Oh, sorry. -May I?
[BOTH MOUTHING]
Oh, this is strange.
I'm picking up a vibration from your coat.
TOM: Excuse me?
Yes, well, Daphne feels that she possesses psychic powers.
You know those English eccentrics.
Oh, you've just been through a very painful breakup, haven't you?
Yes!
-Wait a minute, you told her that. -No.
There was a bitter dispute about ownership of opera recordings.
Whoa.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll nip into the kitchen.
-I have a bird to baste. -Mm-hm.
-Quite something, isn't she? -Oh, she's great.
I love hearing that accent again.
Hey, Frasier, I don't have to put a tie on for this joker, do I?
Tom, this is my father, Martin Crane.
Tom Duran. Nice to meet you.
Oh, yeah, sorry about that joker business.
I call everybody "joker" or "jerk."
"Pinhead." "Bozo."
Amazingly, he's free for dinner on short notice.
Why don't I just open some of this wonderful wine?
-Well? -Oh, he's a looker.
-Mm-hm. -I'm glad you made me put on me lucky bra.
He's worth every wire digging into me rib cage.
Yes, you made quite an impression on him too.
He thinks you're great.
Oh, go on.
Oh, ho, ho, God, listen to me, getting carried away
like a schoolgirl when I just met the man.
No, I'm not raising me hopes tonight.
Though I'm glad I raised me bosom.
Let me tell you, you're gonna love Seattle.
It's a real people place.
-Good food, great bars. -I've heard that.
Any you recommend?
Yeah, I usually hang out at a place called Duke's.
Great crowd. A lot of young cops.
Mm.
Say, you like football?
Yeah, I really missed it when I was living in London.
Well, maybe we could take in a Seahawk game sometime.
Frasier hates it, so it'd just be us.
Hey, Frasier warned me about you.
MARTIN: [CHUCKLING] Oh…
Yeah, I guess I yell at the players too loud.
Here we are, Tom.
Dad, I took the liberty of selecting an amusing little vintage for you too.
Sorry I didn't bring the pull tab so you could sniff it.
-Merci beaucoops. -[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, excuse me.
Oh, Niles.
Hello, Frasier. Oh, thank you.
-Just stopped by to return your book. -FRASIER: Well, thank you.
-Don't let me keep you. -Oh.
Am I interrupting something?
Niles, as a matter of fact, I'm introducing a man to Daphne.
-Oh, guess you don't want me around, then. -Thank you.
How do you do?
I'm Dr. Niles Crane.
-Hi, I'm Tom Duran. -DAPHNE: The bird's all done.
All I need is a pair of big strong arms to haul it out of the oven.
Well, I certainly don't need to be asked twice.
So halfway through the interview, her stomach starts rumbling.
And her body mike's picking it up,
but I have to ignore it, because what am I gonna say?
Excuse me, would Her Majesty care for a Tums?
Oh, I could listen to your stories all night.
They're so funny.
And all involving bodily functions.
[FRASIER CLEARS THROAT]
Tom, I could use a little hand in the kitchen.
No, no, sit, Daphne.
After all that cooking, you must be absolutely strapless.
Uh, Niles, can I speak with you for a moment?
Yes.
I was wondering, did I do anything that offended you?
No.
Oh. Must be all in my head.
But I sensed that you had a problem with me dating Frasier.
Well, if you must know…
I'm sorry, what was the question?
Do you have some problem with me dating your brother?
No.
Now, Niles, I didn't ask Tom to dinner so he'd end up
talking to you all night in the kitchen.
There are others who would like to have a crack at him.
Hey, that Tom's a great guy, huh?
You think maybe him and Daphne, uh…
[CHORTLES]
You know, I can't remember the last time I had such a wonderful evening.
Oh, no, we should be thanking you.
I can't remember when I've laughed so hard.
[MARTIN GUFFAWING]
You've still got Mr. Crane going.
Daphne, I think a little after-dinner music might be appropriate.
Good idea.
She's quite a woman, isn't she?
Yes, she's… She's really something.
-Uh, Frasier, I was wondering… -Yes?
Do you think before the evening's over we could get a little one-on-one time?
Oh, I think I can arrange that.
-Daphne! -What?
-He says he wants to be alone with you. -DAPHNE: No!
-Yes! -This really is me lucky bra.
Keep the wine flowing. I'll go fix me lipstick.
Okay.
Yeah, I guess I'd better be hitting the old sack.
I don't wanna stand in the way of young romance.
Thanks, Dad.
-MARTIN: Good night, Tom. -Good night, Martin.
[ELEGANT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]
I think it's time that you be running along too.
Yes, I must be on my way. And I must apologize.
I was wrong about Tom.
If I had to choose a man for Daphne, he's the one I'd pick.
-Good night, Tom. Nice to meet you. -Good night.
-FRASIER: I'll show you out. -Mm-hmm. Frasier, a word in your ear?
Oh. Uh, excuse me.
There's something I have to tell you. Dad wanted to, but I won the coin toss.
Yes? What is it?
Well, I had a little chat with Tom in the kitchen,
and he told me he's interested in pursuing a romantic relationship,
but the object of his affections is not Daphne.
Damn that Roz!
No, no. It's you.
Me?
Well, that's impossible. Tom's not gay.
Well, he seems to be under that impression.
Well…
What could have made him think that I was interested in him?
All I did was ask him if he was attached,
and then we talked about the theater and men's fashions and… Oh, my God.
-Niles, do you realize what this means? -Yes, you're dating your boss.
You, of all people, should know the pitfalls of an office relationship.
Yes, but he didn't say anything. He never mentioned the fact that…
I'll call you tomorrow, but not too early, of course.
So…
God, I hate this song.
You know, I've broken my rule for you. I usually don't date guys I work with.
[MUSIC STOPS]
Yes, well, I've sort of relaxed my rule for you too.
You're cute when you're nervous.
Yes, well, I must be downright adorable now.
Listen, Tom, uh…
I'm sorry, but we seem to have gotten our lines crossed here. Uh…
The truth is I'm entirely straight.
Hey, if you're not interested, just say so.
No, no, it's true. I really am.
I just invited you to dinner because you seemed so charming
and you were so fond of the British,
I thought you might be the perfect man for Daphne.
Oh, I can't believe this.
You really had no idea that I'm gay?
Don't take this wrong, but it never even occurred to me that you might be gay.
Well, it never even occurred to me that you might be straight.
Thank you.
Jeez, Tom, you know, I feel just awful.
It seems I've just been leading you on all night.
Oh, it's okay.
Honest mistake.
Yes, but I've been pouring you drinks, building up your hopes,
making you think you might have found a man
sophisticated and sensitive enough to help you…
Frasier, I'll learn to love again.
Ah. Yes, of course.
Uh, you'll apologize to Daphne?
For the rest of my days.
Does this mean your dad's not gay either?
No, no, Dad's not gay.
But Niles… Come on.
-No, I'm afraid not. -Huh.
So wait a minute, this Maris guy he kept mentioning is a woman?
Well… the jury's still out on that one.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Oh, my.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Frasier has left the building.