1
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[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
2
00:00:09,122 --> 00:00:11,792
-[DOGS BARKING]
-Come on in. Come on.
3
00:00:11,876 --> 00:00:12,876
It's all over.
4
00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:16,129
He won't mess with you. Are you nuts?
5
00:00:16,213 --> 00:00:17,381
That was a Doberman.
6
00:00:18,675 --> 00:00:19,968
Oh, dear, what happened?
7
00:00:20,052 --> 00:00:21,678
Oh, get the first-aid kit.
8
00:00:21,762 --> 00:00:23,471
Eddie got into a fight.
9
00:00:23,555 --> 00:00:25,975
We were on the elevator with
that Doberman from upstairs.
10
00:00:26,059 --> 00:00:28,978
Eddie took a perfectly
innocent sniff, and wham.
11
00:00:30,480 --> 00:00:31,522
Morning, all.
12
00:00:32,524 --> 00:00:34,943
-What's all this?
-Eddie was viciously attacked.
13
00:00:35,027 --> 00:00:37,071
Oh. Is that coffee cake I smell?
14
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Well, now that I look
at it, it's just a scratch.
15
00:00:43,370 --> 00:00:45,872
But I probably should take
him to the vet's anyway.
16
00:00:46,374 --> 00:00:47,749
What are you doing up so early?
17
00:00:47,833 --> 00:00:49,918
Oh, the new station
manager's taking over today.
18
00:00:50,002 --> 00:00:51,503
She wanted to meet with all of us.
19
00:00:51,587 --> 00:00:52,713
She?
20
00:00:52,797 --> 00:00:56,259
-Oh, working for a woman, huh?
-Yes, why?
21
00:00:56,343 --> 00:00:59,846
Well, it's tough on guys
taking orders from a woman.
22
00:00:59,930 --> 00:01:02,016
-We resent it.
-Well, that's absurd.
23
00:01:02,100 --> 00:01:03,684
If I had trouble taking
orders from a woman,
24
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Frederick would never have been conceived.
25
00:01:07,105 --> 00:01:08,523
[DOORBELL RINGS]
26
00:01:08,607 --> 00:01:11,026
My brothers couldn't
stand taking orders from me.
27
00:01:11,110 --> 00:01:13,445
I was forever telling them,
"Billy, clean your room,"
28
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"Reginald, get your
elbow out of the gravy,"
29
00:01:15,865 --> 00:01:17,783
"Nigel, take that thing
back to the hospital.
30
00:01:17,867 --> 00:01:19,661
The whole house is full of flies."
31
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-Morning, Niles.
-Hello, Frasier.
32
00:01:24,375 --> 00:01:25,709
Dad. Daphne.
33
00:01:25,793 --> 00:01:27,628
I can't stay.
I just wanted to ask a favor.
34
00:01:27,712 --> 00:01:29,131
Dad, can I borrow your gun?
35
00:01:30,966 --> 00:01:33,051
Maris taking singing lessons again?
36
00:01:34,010 --> 00:01:35,345
No.
37
00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:37,723
Our home-security
system is down for repairs.
38
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There's no electric gate.
I'll feel safer if I'm packing heat.
39
00:01:40,977 --> 00:01:42,478
Oh, for heaven's sake, Niles.
40
00:01:42,562 --> 00:01:44,565
You don't even know how to pack a lunch.
41
00:01:46,066 --> 00:01:48,735
Dad, please, Maris is a
wreck ever since she found out
42
00:01:48,819 --> 00:01:51,619
our entire Neighborhood
Watch is wintering in Palm Beach.
43
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Forget it.
You don't know the first thing about guns.
44
00:01:54,075 --> 00:01:55,159
NILES: I do so.
45
00:01:55,243 --> 00:01:57,329
I promise I'll open the spinny
thing and check for bullets
46
00:01:57,413 --> 00:01:58,581
before I shoot anybody.
47
00:01:59,165 --> 00:02:02,084
Actually, Dr. Crane, your
father's gun isn't a revolver.
48
00:02:02,168 --> 00:02:05,797
It's a Colt .45 ACP with
a single-stack magazine.
49
00:02:07,591 --> 00:02:11,344
Oh, when I first came to America,
I worked at a convenience store.
50
00:02:14,015 --> 00:02:14,848
Dad, please.
51
00:02:14,932 --> 00:02:17,267
No, I don't believe in
civilians having guns.
52
00:02:17,351 --> 00:02:19,229
This isn't fair.
Maris' mother gave her a gun.
53
00:02:19,313 --> 00:02:21,314
Then Maris' mother can clean up the mess
54
00:02:21,398 --> 00:02:23,650
after she accidentally
blows your brains out.
55
00:02:24,443 --> 00:02:26,112
Oh, now you're talking nonsense.
56
00:02:26,196 --> 00:02:28,796
Maris' mother has never
cleaned anything in her life.
57
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[PHONE RINGS]
58
00:02:36,207 --> 00:02:37,332
BULLDOG: This stinks!
59
00:02:37,416 --> 00:02:39,543
This is total BS.
I can't work for a chick.
60
00:02:39,627 --> 00:02:40,837
They're out of control.
61
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They are completely
ruled by their hormones.
62
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[BARKS] It'll never work.
63
00:02:47,553 --> 00:02:49,179
All right, listen up, everyone.
64
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I've been working the grapevine.
65
00:02:50,556 --> 00:02:52,725
-I got the scoop on the new boss.
-Is she going to fire me?
66
00:02:52,809 --> 00:02:55,354
Hey, first things first. Is she baggable?
67
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Forget it, Bulldog.
68
00:02:58,273 --> 00:03:01,673
-She'd have you for breakfast.
-Like I ever stick around that long.
69
00:03:03,446 --> 00:03:06,657
Anyway, the word is that she's
like this psycho perfectionist.
70
00:03:06,741 --> 00:03:09,286
Everyone at her last station
was scared to death of her.
71
00:03:09,370 --> 00:03:10,662
She's becoming my idol.
72
00:03:10,746 --> 00:03:12,456
Hey, what if she hates sports?
73
00:03:12,540 --> 00:03:16,086
I need this job.
I just promised my mom a new pacemaker.
74
00:03:16,753 --> 00:03:19,673
Wait. Think I could get her
to believe I said pasta maker?
75
00:03:22,384 --> 00:03:25,471
Look, there's no reason for
us to give in to our insecurities.
76
00:03:25,555 --> 00:03:28,474
We all do good, solid shows.
We hardly know this woman.
77
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Already we're painting
her as a heartless Medusa.
78
00:03:30,686 --> 00:03:32,062
[DOOR OPENS]
79
00:03:35,524 --> 00:03:37,527
She said my ratings were down.
80
00:03:38,152 --> 00:03:39,612
She said I'm not hip.
81
00:03:41,614 --> 00:03:43,491
Father Mike, are you all right?
82
00:03:43,575 --> 00:03:45,369
The little thug fired me.
83
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-I'm so sorry.
-Did she say anything else?
84
00:03:51,501 --> 00:03:53,503
She said, "Send in Frasier."
85
00:03:58,509 --> 00:04:03,097
Listen, tell the movers I want the
couch directly in front of the bookcase.
86
00:04:03,723 --> 00:04:04,807
Uh-huh.
87
00:04:05,392 --> 00:04:06,976
Oh, have a seat. I'll be…
88
00:04:07,060 --> 00:04:08,103
Uh-huh.
89
00:04:08,604 --> 00:04:09,563
Yeah.
90
00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:11,398
Yeah.
91
00:04:12,024 --> 00:04:14,569
No, not there! In front of the bookcase.
92
00:04:15,945 --> 00:04:18,072
Yeah, yeah.
93
00:04:18,156 --> 00:04:21,118
Now, look, look, I've got somebody here.
94
00:04:22,745 --> 00:04:24,454
Could we move the furniture later?
95
00:04:24,538 --> 00:04:25,539
Could we do that?
96
00:04:28,126 --> 00:04:29,544
Dr. Frasier Crane.
97
00:04:30,879 --> 00:04:32,755
-Kate Costas.
-Kate, what a pleasure.
98
00:04:32,839 --> 00:04:35,884
Likewise. I've been listening
to the tapes of all your shows.
99
00:04:35,968 --> 00:04:38,595
-I love what you're doing.
-Really?
100
00:04:38,679 --> 00:04:41,140
Well, uh, thank you very much.
101
00:04:41,224 --> 00:04:44,811
I like to think of my show as a
haven for the tempest-tossed
102
00:04:44,895 --> 00:04:46,647
in the maelstrom of everyday life.
103
00:04:47,314 --> 00:04:49,525
Wow, you really talk that way.
104
00:04:51,736 --> 00:04:55,866
Anyway, your ratings are very
good, but I still think we can do better.
105
00:04:56,492 --> 00:04:57,409
Any ideas?
106
00:04:59,036 --> 00:05:01,664
How to… improve my show?
107
00:05:03,583 --> 00:05:06,711
Uh, that is a tall order. I… [CHUCKLES]
108
00:05:07,295 --> 00:05:09,548
Uh… Oh, well, you know, I was thinking
109
00:05:09,632 --> 00:05:11,550
of playing classical
music before my intros.
110
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Let's say, oh, perhaps, Bartók's
"Concerto for Orchestra in D minor."
111
00:05:15,262 --> 00:05:16,681
It's too high-brow.
112
00:05:16,765 --> 00:05:20,310
I mean, I love classical music,
but to most people, it's a big snore.
113
00:05:20,394 --> 00:05:23,815
Oh, incidentally,
Bartók's Concerto is in C.
114
00:05:24,357 --> 00:05:26,609
-Are you sure?
-Positive.
115
00:05:26,693 --> 00:05:29,069
I put myself through college
working at a classical station.
116
00:05:29,153 --> 00:05:32,574
Let's talk about advertising, hmm?
You've got a great face.
117
00:05:32,658 --> 00:05:34,284
-Oh.
-I wanna see it on T-shirts.
118
00:05:34,368 --> 00:05:37,037
I wanna see it on park benches.
I even wanna see it on Frisbees.
119
00:05:37,121 --> 00:05:40,667
Everybody in Seattle should be
tossing it, wearing it, sitting on it.
120
00:05:45,381 --> 00:05:46,798
Wonderful. Uh…
121
00:05:46,882 --> 00:05:51,429
You know, I hate to nitpick, but
I'm certain that concerto's in D.
122
00:05:51,513 --> 00:05:54,432
-I was a music minor at Harvard.
-No, it's in C.
123
00:05:54,516 --> 00:05:57,393
It was commissioned by
Serge Koussevitzky in 1943
124
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for the Boston Symphony Orchestra,
125
00:05:58,855 --> 00:06:02,775
and since then it's been recorded
over 30 times, each time in C.
126
00:06:05,988 --> 00:06:08,490
Well, maybe you're right. Maybe I'm right.
127
00:06:10,159 --> 00:06:13,663
Also, I think you should
start doing theme shows.
128
00:06:13,747 --> 00:06:16,707
Devote a whole show to
people having extramarital affairs.
129
00:06:16,791 --> 00:06:20,712
Or devote a whole show to people
with aberrant sexual practices.
130
00:06:20,796 --> 00:06:22,965
Could you just give me a
hand with that box over there?
131
00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:24,216
Of course.
132
00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:26,594
Uh…
133
00:06:27,095 --> 00:06:28,221
-Kate, uh…
-Mm?
134
00:06:29,848 --> 00:06:33,226
You know, that advertising thing…
Ooh…is a very good idea.
135
00:06:33,310 --> 00:06:36,981
But that, uh… These theme shows, uh…
136
00:06:37,648 --> 00:06:39,358
It's a less good idea.
137
00:06:39,442 --> 00:06:41,153
You might even say a worse idea.
138
00:06:41,737 --> 00:06:42,738
Why is that?
139
00:06:43,405 --> 00:06:46,074
Well, I am a doctor,
140
00:06:46,158 --> 00:06:50,496
and I'd hate to have the serious
work I do be tainted by commercialism.
141
00:06:50,580 --> 00:06:52,332
But you don't mind the Frisbees?
142
00:06:54,167 --> 00:06:57,087
Well, I don't want to be entirely
uncooperative, you know.
143
00:06:57,171 --> 00:06:58,797
Uh, it's just that, well,
144
00:06:58,881 --> 00:07:00,757
I've been in the radio
game for some time now,
145
00:07:00,841 --> 00:07:05,138
and I think I've learned enough
about broadcasting, as they say,
146
00:07:05,222 --> 00:07:06,640
to know what it is…
147
00:07:08,183 --> 00:07:10,978
That makes my show a good show…
148
00:07:11,062 --> 00:07:13,188
My God, you've won six Golden Mic Awards?
149
00:07:13,272 --> 00:07:14,690
Aren't you sweet to notice?
150
00:07:17,111 --> 00:07:21,489
Finally, I would like you to start
giving priority to the juicier calls.
151
00:07:21,573 --> 00:07:23,784
But that's called pandering.
152
00:07:23,868 --> 00:07:25,912
And that is called a Peabody Award.
153
00:07:28,540 --> 00:07:31,251
Well, what exactly do you expect me to do?
154
00:07:31,335 --> 00:07:33,462
Say to a caller, "Listen, Bob,
I'm sorry you lost your job,
155
00:07:33,546 --> 00:07:34,588
"but unemployment's a snore."
156
00:07:34,672 --> 00:07:36,381
"Why don't you sleep
with your best friend's wife"
157
00:07:36,465 --> 00:07:38,342
"and call in on Monday,
when it'll be 'infidelity Day' "
158
00:07:38,426 --> 00:07:39,776
on The Frasier Crane Show?"
159
00:07:41,513 --> 00:07:43,098
I really know what I'm doing.
160
00:07:43,682 --> 00:07:46,351
The psychiatrist at my
last station went national.
161
00:07:46,435 --> 00:07:49,229
Well, I'd rather stay local
if going national means
162
00:07:49,313 --> 00:07:52,024
sucking at the sump
pump of sensationalism.
163
00:07:52,108 --> 00:07:55,654
Well, I'm the boss, Doc, so pucker up.
164
00:07:57,072 --> 00:07:59,199
Listen, lady, I'm not changing my show.
165
00:07:59,784 --> 00:08:01,660
Unless you're willing
to explain to the owners
166
00:08:01,744 --> 00:08:03,746
why you fired one of
your highest-rated hosts,
167
00:08:03,830 --> 00:08:06,630
well, then there's nothing
you can do about it, is there?
168
00:08:07,668 --> 00:08:10,754
Well, we're coming up on 3 a.m.
169
00:08:15,427 --> 00:08:17,179
Roz, who's our next caller?
170
00:08:17,762 --> 00:08:18,889
Who cares?
171
00:08:28,609 --> 00:08:30,860
MAN [ON PHONE]: I gotta
disagree with your last two callers.
172
00:08:30,944 --> 00:08:33,905
I'm in the same line of work, and I
think what we do is very important.
173
00:08:33,989 --> 00:08:36,242
-People depend on us.
-[TIMER DINGS OVER PHONE]
174
00:08:36,326 --> 00:08:38,577
I gotta go.
It's time to powder the jelly doughnuts.
175
00:08:38,661 --> 00:08:40,330
[DIAL TONE HUMMING]
176
00:08:46,503 --> 00:08:49,424
Well, I hate to cut short
this enthralling symposium,
177
00:08:50,675 --> 00:08:54,721
but perhaps we could hear from
some non-bakers for a change.
178
00:08:56,515 --> 00:08:58,433
Wrap it up, will you? We're finally done.
179
00:08:58,517 --> 00:08:59,518
FRASIER: Oh, thank God.
180
00:08:59,602 --> 00:09:01,353
Stay tuned for the
news, weather and sports.
181
00:09:01,437 --> 00:09:04,024
This is Dr. Frasier Crane,
yada, yada, yada. Bye.
182
00:09:06,985 --> 00:09:09,821
We really stunk up the
airwaves with that one, didn't we?
183
00:09:09,905 --> 00:09:12,909
Frasier, I want you to
flash forward to tonight.
184
00:09:13,493 --> 00:09:15,202
It's sometime after midnight.
185
00:09:15,286 --> 00:09:19,332
Dennis Abbot and I have just
had a glorious meal at Le Ralée.
186
00:09:19,416 --> 00:09:21,668
Dennis has just asked me
back to his penthouse apartment
187
00:09:21,752 --> 00:09:24,589
to see his priceless
collection of silk sheets,
188
00:09:25,257 --> 00:09:28,134
and I lean over and whisper, "I can't.
189
00:09:28,677 --> 00:09:30,887
I have to go to work in an hour."
190
00:09:31,514 --> 00:09:33,432
What is wrong with this picture?
191
00:09:34,475 --> 00:09:36,727
Well, for starters, you at Le Ralée.
192
00:09:38,062 --> 00:09:40,262
-It's a two-week wait.
-So is Dennis Abbot.
193
00:09:42,609 --> 00:09:45,153
Frasier, we have got to
get our old time slot back.
194
00:09:45,237 --> 00:09:48,449
Don't worry, Roz, we will.
She just moved us to break our spirit.
195
00:09:48,533 --> 00:09:51,702
Well, she can saddle me up,
ride me around the coffee room.
196
00:09:51,786 --> 00:09:54,456
I can't do this again.
197
00:09:54,540 --> 00:09:56,458
-Good morning.
-Oh. Oh, hello.
198
00:09:57,042 --> 00:09:58,752
Enjoying your new time slot?
199
00:09:58,836 --> 00:10:01,589
Well, as a matter of fact, I
found it invigorating. Yes.
200
00:10:01,673 --> 00:10:04,008
Didn't you, Roz?
Remember that woman who called in,
201
00:10:04,092 --> 00:10:07,137
you know, with the delusions of grandeur?
[CHUCKLES]
202
00:10:07,221 --> 00:10:10,349
Couldn't understand why nobody liked her?
203
00:10:12,935 --> 00:10:16,773
KATE: I hope you explained to her that
it's not important that people like her
204
00:10:16,857 --> 00:10:18,858
as long as they respect her.
205
00:10:18,942 --> 00:10:20,735
FRASIER: Oh, yes, respect is important.
206
00:10:20,819 --> 00:10:22,154
So is self-respect.
207
00:10:22,238 --> 00:10:25,199
Oh, yes, yes, but some
people, and this is so unfortunate,
208
00:10:25,283 --> 00:10:28,077
can't tell the difference between
self-respect and pigheadedness.
209
00:10:28,161 --> 00:10:31,122
Yes, but those people are
usually rigid little demagogues
210
00:10:31,206 --> 00:10:33,959
who don't know the difference
between the kind of respect that is earned
211
00:10:34,043 --> 00:10:37,172
and the kind of respect that is…
irrespective of…
212
00:10:38,048 --> 00:10:39,215
Of what others expect.
213
00:10:42,052 --> 00:10:45,306
Isn't it sad when bad things
happen to good sentences?
214
00:10:47,391 --> 00:10:48,851
I think I made myself clear.
215
00:10:49,435 --> 00:10:51,688
Well, I really do have work to do.
216
00:10:51,772 --> 00:10:55,072
I've gotta find somebody for
your old time slot now that it's free.
217
00:10:55,567 --> 00:10:56,694
Good luck!
218
00:10:58,613 --> 00:10:59,822
Nice going, Frasier.
219
00:10:59,906 --> 00:11:01,490
Now she's never gonna give in.
220
00:11:01,574 --> 00:11:04,286
Steady, Roz. She may have been able
to intimidate people at other stations,
221
00:11:04,370 --> 00:11:07,920
but here at KACL she'll find that
we are not a bunch of spineless twits.
222
00:11:09,291 --> 00:11:11,461
[WHISPERS] Hey, is she gone?
223
00:11:17,842 --> 00:11:19,845
If you don't want this
bacon, I'm giving it to Eddie.
224
00:11:19,929 --> 00:11:21,847
You know bacon's not good for him.
225
00:11:21,931 --> 00:11:23,808
Eddie, hey, Eddie! Come here, boy!
226
00:11:25,852 --> 00:11:27,312
Ah.
227
00:11:30,649 --> 00:11:32,860
And can't we take that
stupid thing off him?
228
00:11:32,944 --> 00:11:36,363
No, the vet said if he scratches
the scabs, they'll never heal.
229
00:11:36,447 --> 00:11:39,116
And I have noticed, if
you sit him next to the telly,
230
00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:41,036
channel five comes in a lot clearer.
231
00:11:44,331 --> 00:11:46,249
Look at him. He's humiliated.
232
00:11:46,333 --> 00:11:47,960
[DOG BARKING FROM UPSTAIRS]
233
00:11:48,044 --> 00:11:51,422
Yeah, well, it doesn't help that
that bully upstairs keeps rubbing it in.
234
00:11:51,506 --> 00:11:53,925
-[EDDIE WOOFS]
-You tell him, boy.
235
00:11:54,009 --> 00:11:54,885
[EDDIE BARKING]
236
00:11:54,969 --> 00:11:58,972
Oh, for God's sake, I am
trying to get some sleep.
237
00:11:59,056 --> 00:12:00,683
I asked you to keep that dog quiet,
238
00:12:00,767 --> 00:12:03,061
and instead you outfit
him with a megaphone.
239
00:12:11,154 --> 00:12:14,031
In the last 36 hours, I
haven't had so much as a nap,
240
00:12:14,115 --> 00:12:16,535
and I've got to be back
at the station by 2 a.m.
241
00:12:17,202 --> 00:12:19,329
Eddie, listen carefully.
242
00:12:20,914 --> 00:12:25,170
By the time this day is up,
one of us is going to sleep.
243
00:12:26,963 --> 00:12:30,300
Oh, don't worry, Dr. Crane.
I'll take Eddie for a walk.
244
00:12:30,384 --> 00:12:33,595
And as far as your problem at
work goes, if you want my opinion…
245
00:12:33,679 --> 00:12:34,638
Don't!
246
00:12:35,890 --> 00:12:38,267
I've had my share of
women's opinions for the week,
247
00:12:38,351 --> 00:12:40,269
between the station's
new Reichschancellor
248
00:12:40,353 --> 00:12:41,813
and Roz's incessant whining.
249
00:12:43,191 --> 00:12:46,569
As far as I'm concerned, your
entire sex can put a sock in it.
250
00:12:48,821 --> 00:12:51,574
Boy, you'd never let me get
away with a comment like that.
251
00:12:51,658 --> 00:12:56,204
Oh, even the best of us can get
a bit cranky when we're overtired.
252
00:12:56,288 --> 00:13:00,668
All Dr. Crane needs right
now is a little peace and quiet.
253
00:13:01,169 --> 00:13:02,170
Eddie?
254
00:13:03,087 --> 00:13:05,174
-[WHISTLES]
-FRASIER: Damn it!
255
00:13:09,595 --> 00:13:11,848
-Oh. Morning, Daphne.
-Oh. Hello.
256
00:13:11,932 --> 00:13:14,517
-Where are you off to?
-I'm taking Eddie for a walk.
257
00:13:14,601 --> 00:13:16,853
-By yourself?
-Yes, of course. Why not?
258
00:13:17,562 --> 00:13:18,730
It's dangerous out there.
259
00:13:18,814 --> 00:13:20,664
You never know when you might need…
260
00:13:22,693 --> 00:13:23,653
One of these.
261
00:13:25,822 --> 00:13:27,407
A starter's pistol?
262
00:13:29,243 --> 00:13:34,249
Oh, I don't think so, Dr. Crane,
but thanks for the thought. [LAUGHS]
263
00:13:37,126 --> 00:13:39,128
NILES: How did she
know it wasn't a real gun?
264
00:13:39,212 --> 00:13:42,550
Fooled the servants, even the
ones who spent years fleeing juntas.
265
00:13:44,677 --> 00:13:46,845
-You bought a starter's pistol?
-NILES: Yes.
266
00:13:46,929 --> 00:13:49,932
As long as Maris thinks it's
real, it makes her feel secure.
267
00:13:50,016 --> 00:13:52,316
-But this way no one can get hurt.
-[GUNSHOT]
268
00:13:57,650 --> 00:13:59,193
What the hell was that?!
269
00:14:00,570 --> 00:14:01,863
Was that a gunshot?
270
00:14:02,489 --> 00:14:05,242
-Morning, Frasier, just getting up?
-Just getting up?!
271
00:14:06,952 --> 00:14:10,080
Are you out of your mind?
A gun just went off in here!
272
00:14:10,164 --> 00:14:12,249
Niles bought a starter's pistol.
273
00:14:12,333 --> 00:14:15,002
And there's no need to get snippy.
Accidents happen, you know.
274
00:14:15,086 --> 00:14:16,589
Oh, I'm sorry. Was I snippy?
275
00:14:18,924 --> 00:14:20,592
I didn't realize it was too much to ask
276
00:14:20,676 --> 00:14:23,930
that there not be gun
play in my living room!
277
00:14:26,933 --> 00:14:29,645
You know, Niles, you
shouldn't have any kind of gun.
278
00:14:29,729 --> 00:14:32,773
Come to think of it, now that
Mr. Sunshine's home during the day,
279
00:14:32,857 --> 00:14:34,191
maybe I shouldn't either.
280
00:14:36,527 --> 00:14:37,487
Just relax.
281
00:14:38,030 --> 00:14:40,406
It won't be long before
my loyal fans protest
282
00:14:40,490 --> 00:14:43,576
and the afternoon slot is once again home
283
00:14:43,660 --> 00:14:46,748
to the compassionate and
lovable Dr. Frasier Crane.
284
00:14:47,498 --> 00:14:49,198
Now get the hell out, both of you.
285
00:14:51,211 --> 00:14:54,297
All right. Maybe I can catch
up to Daphne in the park.
286
00:14:54,381 --> 00:14:55,466
I'll cover you.
287
00:15:01,514 --> 00:15:04,392
Hello, Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane.
288
00:15:04,476 --> 00:15:06,353
I'll be taking your calls
for the next four hours.
289
00:15:06,437 --> 00:15:07,604
Roz, who's on the line?
290
00:15:07,688 --> 00:15:09,649
How should I know? I just got here.
291
00:15:13,070 --> 00:15:15,697
Hello, line two.
You're on with Dr. Frasier Crane.
292
00:15:15,781 --> 00:15:20,911
-[OVER PHONE] Hey, Dr. Crane. It's Mark.
-Hello, Mark. I'm listening.
293
00:15:20,995 --> 00:15:25,040
Okay, well, I work at
this all-night mini-mart,
294
00:15:25,124 --> 00:15:28,587
and I've been watching
myself on the video camera,
295
00:15:28,671 --> 00:15:31,632
and the camera-me is doing
things I don't approve of.
296
00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:47,065
WOMAN [ON PHONE]: People think insomnia
is a laughing matter, but it's hell.
297
00:15:47,149 --> 00:15:50,820
I mean, if I don't get some
sleep soon, I'll go crazy.
298
00:15:50,904 --> 00:15:53,407
You've got to help me, Dr. Crane.
299
00:15:54,741 --> 00:15:55,785
Dr. Crane?
300
00:15:58,746 --> 00:16:00,289
Hey, I'm talking here!
301
00:16:02,209 --> 00:16:04,420
What?! I'm listening.
302
00:16:07,965 --> 00:16:10,593
Well, so what do you think I should do?
303
00:16:13,513 --> 00:16:18,936
Well, you know, sometimes these things
seem clearer in the light of day. Um…
304
00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:21,021
My advice is to sleep on it.
305
00:16:24,609 --> 00:16:28,613
Is that some kind of a joke?
You make fun of the insomniac?
306
00:16:28,697 --> 00:16:29,614
FRASIER: Oh, no!
307
00:16:29,698 --> 00:16:31,701
[DIAL TONE HUMMING]
308
00:16:32,869 --> 00:16:33,870
[KNOCKING ON WINDOW]
309
00:16:34,454 --> 00:16:37,750
Oh, oh, and now for a
word from, um, uh, ahh…
310
00:16:38,500 --> 00:16:39,877
Someone, uh…
311
00:16:41,086 --> 00:16:42,921
I forget. I think they sell paint.
312
00:16:49,095 --> 00:16:51,055
Do you hear that whooshing sound?
313
00:16:51,139 --> 00:16:53,142
It's my career going down the toilet.
314
00:16:54,226 --> 00:16:56,770
Oh, God, Roz, I don't think I've
helped a single person tonight.
315
00:16:56,854 --> 00:16:59,190
Helped?
You'll be lucky if you don't get sued.
316
00:16:59,274 --> 00:17:01,859
You told a longshoreman
to come out of the closet
317
00:17:01,943 --> 00:17:04,446
and a gay guy to spend
more time on the docks.
318
00:17:06,532 --> 00:17:09,034
You're the one who's supposed
to keep track of who's on what line.
319
00:17:09,118 --> 00:17:10,953
Let me make it easy for you. Freaks!
320
00:17:11,037 --> 00:17:13,707
Freaks on line one! Freaks on line two!
Freaks everywhere!
321
00:17:13,791 --> 00:17:17,377
Oh, Roz, Roz, Roz, we
shouldn't get mad at each other.
322
00:17:18,754 --> 00:17:21,507
-This is all Kate's fault.
-You're right, you're right.
323
00:17:21,591 --> 00:17:24,218
She's ruining us, and
there's nothing we can do.
324
00:17:24,302 --> 00:17:25,303
Yes, there is.
325
00:17:26,054 --> 00:17:28,140
If we're gonna go down, we're
gonna take her down with us.
326
00:17:28,224 --> 00:17:29,474
We've got one hour left.
327
00:17:29,558 --> 00:17:32,227
If she wants raunch, we're gonna give
her more raunch than she dreamed of.
328
00:17:32,311 --> 00:17:33,311
Are you with me, Roz?
329
00:17:33,395 --> 00:17:35,314
Just pump up the volume and call me Kitty.
330
00:17:35,398 --> 00:17:36,691
Okay.
331
00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:42,239
We're back, Seattle, and in
accordance with new station policy,
332
00:17:42,323 --> 00:17:45,451
we are going to be pandering
to the lowest human instinct.
333
00:17:45,535 --> 00:17:48,413
In other words, who
wants to talk about sex?
334
00:17:48,497 --> 00:17:50,916
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex!
335
00:17:51,542 --> 00:17:53,877
-[WHIP CRACKS ON RECORDING]
-Yeah!
336
00:17:55,964 --> 00:17:58,632
I wanna know who's having
sex, how you're having it.
337
00:17:58,716 --> 00:18:01,052
I wanna know if you're
having it right now.
338
00:18:02,262 --> 00:18:06,058
Look, Dr. Crane, the
lines are hot, really hot.
339
00:18:07,643 --> 00:18:08,644
Thank you, Kitty.
340
00:18:09,603 --> 00:18:11,648
Hello, caller. What are you wearing?
341
00:18:12,190 --> 00:18:13,858
WOMAN [ON PHONE]: Nothing. I'm naked.
342
00:18:13,942 --> 00:18:17,821
Hey, that's a great idea.
Let's all get naked.
343
00:18:17,905 --> 00:18:19,824
Hey, I'm getting naked right now!
344
00:18:21,409 --> 00:18:24,746
While Dr. Crane strips, our new
station manager would like to know
345
00:18:24,830 --> 00:18:28,166
if you prefer to be the
spanker or the spankee.
346
00:18:28,250 --> 00:18:29,876
Oh, definitely the spanker.
347
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:32,004
Well, then hop in a cab!
348
00:18:32,088 --> 00:18:34,424
-I'm not wearing any pants!
-Wow!
349
00:18:38,345 --> 00:18:40,764
FRASIER [ON RECORDING]:
While Roz laces up her leather bustier,
350
00:18:40,848 --> 00:18:44,601
this is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL,
351
00:18:44,685 --> 00:18:48,481
all talk, all night, all naked!
352
00:18:51,526 --> 00:18:52,528
Explain.
353
00:18:53,029 --> 00:18:57,116
As George Bernard Shaw once
said, "There are two tragedies in life.
354
00:18:57,909 --> 00:19:01,579
One is not getting what we
want, the other is getting it."
355
00:19:01,663 --> 00:19:04,374
You know full well this
is not what I wanted.
356
00:19:04,458 --> 00:19:06,878
You did this to vex me.
357
00:19:07,921 --> 00:19:09,547
And you succeeded.
358
00:19:10,131 --> 00:19:12,174
And it was not Shaw. It was Oscar Wilde.
359
00:19:12,258 --> 00:19:14,136
Did you ever open a book at Harvard?
360
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:18,348
You know, one of these days,
you are going to misquote someone,
361
00:19:18,432 --> 00:19:20,769
and I'm gonna land on
you like a Sumo wrestler.
362
00:19:23,813 --> 00:19:28,318
All I wanted, all I wanted, was a lousy
little theme show once or twice a week.
363
00:19:28,402 --> 00:19:32,197
Yeah, "Frasier Crane Takes
a Leering Look at infidelity."
364
00:19:32,281 --> 00:19:33,657
No, not a leering look.
365
00:19:33,741 --> 00:19:36,327
Just a good look at
the pain of infidelity,
366
00:19:36,411 --> 00:19:37,662
at what it does to families,
367
00:19:37,746 --> 00:19:40,915
at what it does to children, at
what it does to the fabric of society.
368
00:19:40,999 --> 00:19:42,668
And this is just off the top of my head.
369
00:19:42,752 --> 00:19:45,838
But, no, you are such an arrogant gasbag,
370
00:19:45,922 --> 00:19:47,882
so used to being cock
of the walk around here,
371
00:19:47,966 --> 00:19:50,552
that you can't stand still
for one minute and listen
372
00:19:50,636 --> 00:19:53,013
to a perfectly valid suggestion
from somebody else.
373
00:19:53,097 --> 00:19:56,642
And you are such a smug
egomaniac that your entire self-image
374
00:19:56,726 --> 00:19:58,060
would shatter like a cheap mirror
375
00:19:58,144 --> 00:20:00,744
if you ever had to admit
that you had made a mistake!
376
00:20:01,064 --> 00:20:03,483
You are a classic case
of neurotic narcissism
377
00:20:03,567 --> 00:20:05,695
and a first-class smarty-pants!
378
00:20:09,365 --> 00:20:11,159
You can go ahead and fire me now.
379
00:20:11,243 --> 00:20:14,413
Yes, I could do that, yes.
380
00:20:15,455 --> 00:20:17,040
But I'm not going to.
381
00:20:19,127 --> 00:20:20,777
Did you listen to the whole tape?
382
00:20:22,505 --> 00:20:23,339
Oh, yeah.
383
00:20:23,881 --> 00:20:26,801
But unlike you, I put
what's good for this station
384
00:20:26,885 --> 00:20:28,762
above my personal feelings.
385
00:20:29,513 --> 00:20:31,766
Well, that's… That's awfully big of you.
386
00:20:33,226 --> 00:20:36,026
Guess that means I'll be
moving back to my old time slot.
387
00:20:36,354 --> 00:20:38,189
Guess again, Captain Midnight.
388
00:20:39,608 --> 00:20:41,360
If I give you back your old time slot
389
00:20:41,444 --> 00:20:43,403
without your making a
single concession to me,
390
00:20:43,487 --> 00:20:45,698
that would completely
undermine my authority.
391
00:20:46,199 --> 00:20:49,161
Being a crack shrink, surely
that's within your grasp.
392
00:20:49,745 --> 00:20:53,290
Grasp this: if I don't get
my old time slot, I quit.
393
00:20:53,374 --> 00:20:56,878
Grasp this: You do, and I'll
sue you for breach of contract.
394
00:20:57,920 --> 00:20:59,672
Okay, then it's a stalemate.
395
00:20:59,756 --> 00:21:02,342
And if we don't want to remain
entrenched in these positions forever,
396
00:21:02,426 --> 00:21:04,302
one of us had better think of something.
397
00:21:04,386 --> 00:21:06,180
Yes, one of us better.
398
00:21:19,695 --> 00:21:21,197
-I've got it!
-Damn.
399
00:21:25,952 --> 00:21:27,954
-So we're together, right?
-Absolutely.
400
00:21:28,664 --> 00:21:30,332
We won't let her push
us around any longer.
401
00:21:30,416 --> 00:21:31,917
Nope. You do the talking.
402
00:21:32,001 --> 00:21:34,586
I'll stand behind you and
burn holes through her
403
00:21:34,670 --> 00:21:37,966
with my "You call this a
hollandaise sauce?" glare.
404
00:21:38,550 --> 00:21:39,551
I don't care what you say!
405
00:21:39,635 --> 00:21:42,262
I like theme shows, and I'm
going to do them starting Friday
406
00:21:42,346 --> 00:21:45,182
with "Frasier Crane Takes a Look
at the Consequences of Infidelity"!
407
00:21:45,266 --> 00:21:48,102
You do, and I'll make you start
that show with classical music.
408
00:21:48,186 --> 00:21:51,023
Bartók's "Concerto in C."
I don't care how much you hate it.
409
00:21:51,107 --> 00:21:52,191
Damn you!
410
00:21:53,609 --> 00:21:55,945
It's my way or no way.
411
00:21:57,280 --> 00:21:59,116
You win. Bartók it is.
412
00:22:01,118 --> 00:22:03,829
-What do you two want?
-Nothing.
413
00:22:03,913 --> 00:22:05,331
Keep up the good work.
414
00:22:13,423 --> 00:22:14,424
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
415
00:22:14,508 --> 00:22:17,163
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
416
00:22:17,247 --> 00:22:19,556
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
417
00:22:20,181 --> 00:22:21,390
Oh, my.
418
00:22:21,474 --> 00:22:23,977
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
419
00:22:24,061 --> 00:22:26,563
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
420
00:22:26,647 --> 00:22:28,648
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
421
00:22:28,732 --> 00:22:30,317
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
422
00:22:30,401 --> 00:22:34,030
♪ With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
423
00:22:34,698 --> 00:22:37,366
♪ They're callin' again ♪
424
00:22:37,450 --> 00:22:38,451
Good night!