[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
You try and try, but at some point, you finally have to admit,
as much as you care about each other, your relationship isn't working
and hasn't been for some time.
But you two wouldn't be sitting here with me
if you didn't want to save this relationship.
Isn't that true?
NILES: Well, I'm willing to try.
-I can't speak for… -You don't have to speak for me, Niles.
I'm perfectly capable of speaking for myself.
Yes, I know.
Caruso wasn't so in love with the sound of his own voice.
What does that mean?
You tell me, Enrico. What do you think it means?
-I guess I can tell you what it means. -I'm so sick of your arias…
THERAPIST: Gentlemen! Gentlemen!
Now, are we agreed that we want to do something to fix this problem?
-Well, if it's fixable, I suppose. -Possibly.
-All right. -Yes.
Why doesn't one of you tell me how this started?
FRASIER: Well, it began with me.
It was last week. I was at work, doing my radio show.
I was on the air with a troubled young woman.
She had just started telling me about a recurring dream
she'd had since childhood.
WOMAN [ON PHONE]: Okay, I'm in my bedroom.
I've just gotten out of the bathtub to get dressed.
When I open the closet, all my clothes are gone.
Suddenly I hear the sound of footsteps on the dry leaves outside.
I turn, and there's a little girl
with her nose pressed up against the window.
Fascinating.
But her breath is fogging up the glass so that I can't make out her face.
Only I'm sure she's come to tell me something important.
So a girl…
On the other side of the glass with an urgent message…
But for some reason you're unable or unwilling to receive it.
I'm sorry, Dr. Crane,
I hate to interrupt, but you're all out of time for today.
Oh, dear. Um…
Listen, Jill, I'm terribly sorry,
but, listen, I'd like to continue talking with you when we're off the air,
so don't hang up.
Meantime, listeners, I've enjoyed our time today.
Tune in again tomorrow, when we'll be talking with…
Blah, blah, Frasier Crane Show, happy health, goodbye.
Yo, Jill, you a football fan?
-Not really. -Then beat it.
All right, let's talk women's golf. Not!
Sometimes I hate this job.
Not only do I have to put up with that annoying little sweat sock,
but when a caller comes in who has a truly fascinating problem,
I'm barely able to scratch the surface.
It makes me wanna run screaming back to private practice.
I can imagine how frustrated you must be.
This show's gotta be constraining for a man of your staggering intellect.
NILES: Hold it. Stop. Wait a minute.
You expect us to believe that Roz actually used a phrase like "staggering intellect"?
It was something like that.
So she might have said "your boundless brilliance,"
or "the Olympian reaches of your wisdom."
-Oh, Niles, do shut up. -Oh, you shut up.
-No, you should shut up. -You always tell me to shut up.
-It's time you shut up for once. -I think it's time you shut up.
-Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. -The way you go on…
Oh, just shut up.
[CRANES ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]
Gentlemen, it's not important exactly what was said.
No, what is important is that, as usual, he assumes it all revolves around him,
when the truth is it started several days before that, with me.
I'd been having some trouble with the psychiatrist in the office next door.
His unconventional therapy had started to intrude upon my sessions.
Mrs. Kelly, the key here is that you trust me.
As long as you're in this office, you have no reason to feel anything but safe.
[WOMAN SCREAMS FROM NEXT ROOM]
You must… You must think of this as your refuge, your sanctuary.
[MAN SCREAMS FROM NEXT ROOM]
I'm not saying that being the sole survivor of a plane crash
wasn't a traumatizing experience.
But I can get you to a point where the memories no longer haunt you.
[MAN, WOMAN SCREAMING]
NILES: His primal-scream madness was ruining my practice.
I had to do something.
The opportunity presented itself that Friday.
I'd come to Frasier's for dinner.
I remember Daphne, my father's health-care worker,
was telling the most delightful story.
Oh, I know what you're going through dealing with a noisy neighbor.
Have I ever mentioned that couple that lived next door to me in London?
A married couple who made the most ungodly racket. In bed.
The walls must have been like tissue paper,
because I'd hear the whole performance every night.
Finally, I decided the only way to get them to stop
was to let them hear what I'd been hearing.
So one night I moved near the wall, and I started…
[MOANING]
Oh, yes.
[MOANING] Oh, don't stop.
[MOANING] Oh, that's the spot. Oh, do it again!
Oh, you are the beastmaster.
Oh, for hell's sake, just take me, you devil-spawn sex monkey.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Problem solved.
I'm sorry, Daphne, I drifted. Would you tell that story again?
FRASIER: Hold it. Stop.
Niles, you know full well that Daphne merely told us that story.
She did not act it out.
-Didn't she? -FRASIER: No.
-Just tell the story. -Fine.
It was a few hours later.
We were having espresso.
Perhaps to counteract the stimulant effect,
Frasier was telling us about his day.
You know, I can't stop thinking about my last caller today.
Fascinating young woman. Had a recurring dream.
You know who's a hell of a dreamer? Eddie.
This one night I wake up, he's lying on my forehead dead asleep
with a big clump of my hair in his mouth, growling.
Bet you'd love to analyze that little brain of his.
Yes, that would be the jewel in the crown of my career.
Still, thinking about this woman has started me longing for private practice.
I guess I just miss the chance to dig deep with my patients.
Have you considered seeing patients on the side?
Oh, yes, of course.
I've got a list of people who've expressed interest.
Frasier, I have a proposition.
I mentioned that doctor in the office next door?
Well, his lease is up.
If you were interested in his office, as his landlord,
I could tell him and his screaming mimis to hit the road.
-You… and I? -Mm. Mm-hm.
-Working side by side? -Mm-hm.
I don't mind telling you the prospect sounds quite exciting.
We could consult on each other's patients.
-We could give seminars together. -Even therapy groups.
Oh, my God. Crane and Crane.
I can see our logo already: a giant crane hovering above a human head.
[LAUGHS]
Dad, why are you laughing? Why is Dad laughing?
You two, you never learn.
Oh, you think this is a bad idea?
The restaurant you bought together, that was a bad idea.
The book you tried to write together, that was a bad idea.
This…
No, that restaurant was still the stupidest.
Two little misadventures, and you doom us to failure.
Oh, baloney. You've been like this since you were kids.
You two can't work together.
Maybe Dad's right.
We're not ready for this. It could lead to conflict and tension.
Hold it! Niles, tell the truth.
Oh, all right.
Stop raining on our parade, Dad.
To Crane and Crane.
FRASIER: Well, our first day together began innocently enough.
Good morning, Dr. Crane.
And to you, Dr. Crane.
Oh, Niles, why should we be so formal? There's nobody around.
-It's a high five, Niles. -Oh, oh, oh, sorry.
All right.
-Coffee? -Oh, yes, please.
Thank you. Oh, Niles, I can't tell you how much I've missed that.
The smell of the office place.
The freshly oiled leather couches, the pungent coffee,
the aroma of an exotic luncheon special wafting up from the cafeteria below.
Actually, that's the lab next door.
They lost power last night, and some of their tissue samples turned.
By the way, I've put together some recent articles
you may want to peruse to get up to speed.
Up to speed?
Well, it has been a while since you've practiced,
and we could all use a little brushing up.
Well, that's very considerate of you.
Just put my homework assignment in my box there.
As you wish.
All right, where should we put this, then?
Well, the only place it should go is right here by the couch, I think.
No, Daphne, here on the desk it will pick up the earth tones in the carpet.
There is this dead space here by the coffee station.
Oh, underneath the heating vent?
Why not just give it a blindfold and a cigarette?
-It is your office. Put it where you like. -No, it is your plant.
And it's my bleeding back, so I'm putting it right here.
Honestly, I don't know how you put up with him.
NILES: Liar! Liar!
Daphne never said that.
Well, she said it with body language.
I happen to be fluent in that language, and she said nothing of the kind.
Would someone tell me what's so important about this plant?
You'll know soon enough. I'm telling the rest of the story.
I'm putting it right here.
You know the best thing about getting old?
Your hair may turn gray, your joints may stiffen,
you may even have to walk with a cane.
But people still ask you to help them move.
Forgive me for overburdening you, Dad.
Can you just put those in my office, please?
Oh, look at your two names together on the door.
But, Dr. Crane, is your brother's name smaller than yours?
Yes, that's the only way it would fit. I assumed you wouldn't mind.
After all, we're concerned here with healing people, aren't we?
Of course, Niles.
If I were interested in self-promotion, I guess I'd be content with my radio show,
heard every day by over half a million listeners
in the Pacific Northwest and parts of Canada.
-What are you doing? -I'm moving the schefflera.
I liked it where it was.
Yes, but it didn't like it there. It wants light.
You two tend to your plant. I'll go fetch the file cabinet.
I have had this plant for two years. It's never been in direct sunlight.
Obviously. Look at it. The leaves are puckering.
They are not. They're wilted from the ride over in the trunk of the car.
Oh, nonsense. Mafia snitches emerge from car trunks looking more robust.
-This plant is going right over… -And so it begins.
NILES: The incident with the plant was only the beginning.
That was followed by a run-in at the receptionist's desk,
a row at the coffee machine,
and a contretemps when Frasier lost the men's-room key.
That was an accident.
Yes, it very nearly was.
I am so tired of your exaggeration.
You always make things 50,000 times worse than they are.
Look, I'm going to tell the story from now on.
The point is, our nerves were, well, pretty much shot
by the time we conducted our first therapy group together.
First off, I have a colleague to introduce.
He is not only an esteemed psychiatrist,
he happens to be my brother, Dr. Frasier Crane.
Afternoon, everyone.
Wow. You're Dr. Crane from the radio.
-Guilty as charged. -Ah.
Yes, but we all have to remind Dr. Crane
that this is real psychiatry now, not the radio.
No hanging up on the hard ones here.
But rest assured, I am trained to deal with a full range of issues.
Everything from envy to jealousy.
But I'll just be observing today.
I don't know you well enough to render any opinions yet,
so just pretend I'm not here.
And good luck with that.
[CLEARS THROAT] Mrs. Kalish, perhaps you could bring us up to date
on how you're dealing with your divorce.
-This is week two, isn't it? -Yes.
Well, um…
I actually had my first date last night.
Oh, that's wonderful.
FRASIER: Hmm…
Did you say something?
I don't think so.
It sounded like "hmm," like you disapproved.
Well, since you asked.
I think in divorce we have, well, painful feelings
which are nevertheless healthy feelings.
If we start to date too quickly,
we want to be sure that that's not a panacea for the pain.
Ooh, yes, you will find my brother's quite deft
with those peppy little bromides.
"Panacea for the pain." One can almost hear the phrase
"We'll be right back after these words from Pringles."
You don't wanna wait too long before you date, though, either.
I waited five years.
By then I was so desperate I stayed with the first woman who came along.
She ended up being the same controlling ice princess as my first wife.
FRASIER: Hmm.
Well, Mr. Carr, there are many…
Hold on, Dr. Crane. It sounded like your brother said something again.
Well, since you've asked.
It occurred to me that by waiting for five years
and becoming, as you said, desperate,
that perhaps you were really giving yourself license
to pursue a woman who reminded you of your first wife.
You had to repeat the pattern.
Then you're saying it wasn't an accident?
We have an expression in psychiatry: There are no accidents.
And now let's check in with news and traffic.
Dr. Crane, are you denying that most accidents happen for a reason?
No, Dr. Crane, I believe they do.
I'm reminded of a recent accident involving a four-inch wooden block
attached to a men's-room key which walked off in somebody's pocket.
Obviously an act of hostility, wouldn't you say?
Certainly a well-deserved one
considering what an insufferable prig someone has been today.
You dare call me a prig after I rescued you
from that sideshow you call a radio program?
One more crack about my show,
and I'll put that wooden block in a place you'll always be able to find it.
Group, take five minutes of quiet introspection.
Frasier, I have made a fist and I'm thinking of using it.
You are not scaring me.
The thumb goes on the outside, Niles. On the outside.
-How dare you try to steal my group? -I don't need your group.
I got a group of my own, half a million strong.
Oh, yes, your legions.
Why don't you rent a barn, pass out the body paint,
and call it Frasier stock?
I'm a little tired of your condescending attitude.
You have not missed one single opportunity to run down my show
or grab a book off the shelf to help me get up to speed.
By God, you're such a brilliant healer,
you've taken over care of my schefflera.
Well, you were starving it of sunlight.
All right, fine, let's just give the little dear all the sunlight it needs.
Are you insane?
If I were, Doctor, you'd never know it!
Oh, you!
-And you know it's true. -You are the most ego maniacal,
-self-important, pompous, sweaty… -You have no insight, no feeling in…
Is that my group? Group?
Oh, wait, group. Come back, group.
I'm very proud of this show of independence.
I hope you're happy.
If I were, Doctor, you'd never know it.
-Stop saying that. -I will not stop saying it.
-[BOTH ARGUING] -Dr. Crane. Dr. Crane.
Hello, Dr. Schachter.
-What's going on? -I'm having a discussion with my brother.
I can hear your discussion across the hall in my office.
Well, you see, he waltzed in here like the belle of the ball and into…
I've seen you dancing all over…
Whoa. Now, look, you two are obviously in some distress.
As you know, I am a specialist in couples therapy.
Never treated brothers before, but still, you can step into my office.
I'm sure I can help you.
SCHACHTER: Hold it. Hold it.
I never said, "I'm sure I can help you."
I said, "I may be able to help you."
See how he twists your words?
It's right here, buddy boy.
Enough! You are doctors!
I've never seen anything like this in my life.
You think he's trying to steal your patients.
And you think he's trying to undermine you as a psychiatrist.
But you must know what is at the root of this problem.
CRANES: He is.
No.
You have a fundamental lack of trust.
Oh, it may be so deeply rooted by now that it's impossible to change,
but there are certain exercises that we could try,
provided you two are willing.
-Oh, if he's willing, I can try it. -Yes, well, maybe.
Let's start with the most basic trust exercise there is.
Now, one of you simply stands on this footstool
and falls backwards into your brother's waiting arms,
thus demonstrating that we can trust each other.
Dr. Crane, why don't you go first?
Well, all right.
Just get up there and let yourself go.
All right. [CLEARS THROAT]
Is he standing directly behind me?
Yes. Now trust your brother.
I'd feel better if he were wearing rubber soles.
Oh, for God's sake, Niles. Just get down. I'll go first, all right?
Is he in position?
Yes. Trust him.
You should know he catches like a girl.
I don't believe this. Get down, will you?
This couldn't be easier.
I get up here, I count to three, and you catch me.
One, two, three.
-Why didn't you catch him? -Well, you were closer.
-It was your turn. -It was my turn?
-[BOTH ARGUING] -That is it! That is it.
In 30 years as a couples therapist, I've never said what I'm about to say.
Give up.
It's hopeless.
You are pathologically mistrustful of each other.
Competitive to the point of madness.
So, trust me,
just meet each other at weddings and funerals,
and the rest of the time, stay the hell away from each other.
And now I am going to limp to the nearest pub and drink
until the rest of me is as numb as my ass.
Well…
That was quite a diagnosis.
Yes.
But there's no denying it.
We are vindictive and competitive.
Petty, mistrustful.
And as so often in these cases,
it took someone outside our situation to point it out to us.
Well, Dad always said it, but he has no credentials.
Well, there's no arguing with Dr. Schachter's credentials.
My God, the man is an expert in his field.
He graduated from the University of…
Grenada.
Well, surely that was just his undergraduate schooling.
Oh, yes, of course. His graduate work was done in…
Aruba.
-An all-Caribbean schooling. -Hmm.
Well, tally me banana.
♪ Tally me banana ♪
I knew the man was a fraud the minute he opened his mouth.
Oh, I'll have him out of his lease at the end of the week.
Oh, Niles, we've still got time to catch a late lunch.
-Oh, Perisse is just around the corner. -Away we go.
-Chez Shea is just as close. -But the food at Perisse is much better.
Oh, nonsense. Compared to Chez Shea, it's slop for pigs.
-Have you lost your mind? -Shut up.
NILES: Oh, you shut up.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salad and scrambled eggs ♪
Mercy.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Good night, Seattle, we love you!