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[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
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You try and try, but at some
point, you finally have to admit,
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00:00:14,670 --> 00:00:18,464
as much as you care about each
other, your relationship isn't working
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and hasn't been for some time.
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But you two wouldn't
be sitting here with me
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if you didn't want to
save this relationship.
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Isn't that true?
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NILES: Well, I'm willing to try.
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-I can't speak for…
-You don't have to speak for me, Niles.
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I'm perfectly capable
of speaking for myself.
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Yes, I know.
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Caruso wasn't so in love
with the sound of his own voice.
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What does that mean?
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You tell me, Enrico.
What do you think it means?
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-I guess I can tell you what it means.
-I'm so sick of your arias…
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THERAPIST: Gentlemen! Gentlemen!
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Now, are we agreed that we want
to do something to fix this problem?
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-Well, if it's fixable, I suppose.
-Possibly.
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-All right.
-Yes.
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Why doesn't one of you
tell me how this started?
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FRASIER: Well, it began with me.
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It was last week.
I was at work, doing my radio show.
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I was on the air with a
troubled young woman.
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She had just started telling
me about a recurring dream
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she'd had since childhood.
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WOMAN [ON PHONE]: Okay, I'm in my bedroom.
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I've just gotten out of
the bathtub to get dressed.
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When I open the closet,
all my clothes are gone.
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Suddenly I hear the sound of
footsteps on the dry leaves outside.
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I turn, and there's a little girl
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with her nose pressed
up against the window.
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Fascinating.
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But her breath is fogging up the
glass so that I can't make out her face.
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Only I'm sure she's come to
tell me something important.
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So a girl…
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On the other side of the
glass with an urgent message…
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But for some reason you're
unable or unwilling to receive it.
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I'm sorry, Dr. Crane,
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I hate to interrupt, but
you're all out of time for today.
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Oh, dear. Um…
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Listen, Jill, I'm terribly sorry,
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but, listen, I'd like to continue
talking with you when we're off the air,
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so don't hang up.
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Meantime, listeners, I've
enjoyed our time today.
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Tune in again tomorrow,
when we'll be talking with…
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Blah, blah, Frasier Crane
Show, happy health, goodbye.
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Yo, Jill, you a football fan?
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-Not really.
-Then beat it.
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All right, let's talk women's golf. Not!
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Sometimes I hate this job.
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Not only do I have to put up
with that annoying little sweat sock,
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but when a caller comes in who
has a truly fascinating problem,
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I'm barely able to scratch the surface.
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It makes me wanna run
screaming back to private practice.
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I can imagine how frustrated you must be.
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This show's gotta be constraining
for a man of your staggering intellect.
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NILES: Hold it. Stop. Wait a minute.
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You expect us to believe that Roz actually
used a phrase like "staggering intellect"?
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It was something like that.
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So she might have said
"your boundless brilliance,"
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or "the Olympian reaches of your wisdom."
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-Oh, Niles, do shut up.
-Oh, you shut up.
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-No, you should shut up.
-You always tell me to shut up.
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-It's time you shut up for once.
-I think it's time you shut up.
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-Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
-The way you go on…
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Oh, just shut up.
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[CRANES ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]
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Gentlemen, it's not important
exactly what was said.
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No, what is important is that, as usual,
he assumes it all revolves around him,
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when the truth is it started
several days before that, with me.
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I'd been having some trouble with
the psychiatrist in the office next door.
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His unconventional therapy had
started to intrude upon my sessions.
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Mrs. Kelly, the key
here is that you trust me.
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As long as you're in this office, you
have no reason to feel anything but safe.
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[WOMAN SCREAMS FROM NEXT ROOM]
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You must… You must think of
this as your refuge, your sanctuary.
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[MAN SCREAMS FROM NEXT ROOM]
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I'm not saying that being the
sole survivor of a plane crash
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wasn't a traumatizing experience.
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But I can get you to a point where
the memories no longer haunt you.
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[MAN, WOMAN SCREAMING]
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NILES: His primal-scream
madness was ruining my practice.
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I had to do something.
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The opportunity
presented itself that Friday.
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I'd come to Frasier's for dinner.
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I remember Daphne, my
father's health-care worker,
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was telling the most delightful story.
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Oh, I know what you're going
through dealing with a noisy neighbor.
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Have I ever mentioned that couple
that lived next door to me in London?
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A married couple who made
the most ungodly racket. In bed.
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The walls must have
been like tissue paper,
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because I'd hear the whole
performance every night.
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Finally, I decided the only
way to get them to stop
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was to let them hear
what I'd been hearing.
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So one night I moved
near the wall, and I started…
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[MOANING]
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Oh, yes.
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[MOANING] Oh, don't stop.
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[MOANING] Oh, that's the spot.
Oh, do it again!
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Oh, you are the beastmaster.
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Oh, for hell's sake, just take
me, you devil-spawn sex monkey.
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Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
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Problem solved.
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I'm sorry, Daphne, I drifted.
Would you tell that story again?
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FRASIER: Hold it. Stop.
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Niles, you know full well that
Daphne merely told us that story.
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She did not act it out.
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-Didn't she?
-FRASIER: No.
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-Just tell the story.
-Fine.
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It was a few hours later.
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We were having espresso.
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Perhaps to counteract
the stimulant effect,
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Frasier was telling us about his day.
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You know, I can't stop thinking
about my last caller today.
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Fascinating young woman.
Had a recurring dream.
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You know who's a hell of a dreamer? Eddie.
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This one night I wake up, he's
lying on my forehead dead asleep
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with a big clump of my
hair in his mouth, growling.
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Bet you'd love to analyze
that little brain of his.
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Yes, that would be the jewel
in the crown of my career.
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Still, thinking about this woman has
started me longing for private practice.
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I guess I just miss the chance
to dig deep with my patients.
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Have you considered
seeing patients on the side?
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Oh, yes, of course.
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I've got a list of people
who've expressed interest.
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Frasier, I have a proposition.
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I mentioned that doctor
in the office next door?
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Well, his lease is up.
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If you were interested in
his office, as his landlord,
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I could tell him and his
screaming mimis to hit the road.
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-You… and I?
-Mm. Mm-hm.
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-Working side by side?
-Mm-hm.
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I don't mind telling you the
prospect sounds quite exciting.
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We could consult on each other's patients.
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-We could give seminars together.
-Even therapy groups.
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Oh, my God. Crane and Crane.
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I can see our logo already: a giant
crane hovering above a human head.
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[LAUGHS]
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Dad, why are you laughing?
Why is Dad laughing?
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You two, you never learn.
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Oh, you think this is a bad idea?
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The restaurant you bought
together, that was a bad idea.
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The book you tried to write
together, that was a bad idea.
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This…
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00:07:42,746 --> 00:07:45,124
No, that restaurant
was still the stupidest.
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Two little misadventures,
and you doom us to failure.
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Oh, baloney.
You've been like this since you were kids.
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You two can't work together.
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Maybe Dad's right.
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We're not ready for this.
It could lead to conflict and tension.
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Hold it! Niles, tell the truth.
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Oh, all right.
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Stop raining on our parade, Dad.
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00:08:05,936 --> 00:08:07,187
To Crane and Crane.
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FRASIER: Well, our first day
together began innocently enough.
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Good morning, Dr. Crane.
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And to you, Dr. Crane.
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Oh, Niles, why should we be so formal?
There's nobody around.
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-It's a high five, Niles.
-Oh, oh, oh, sorry.
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All right.
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-Coffee?
-Oh, yes, please.
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Thank you. Oh, Niles, I can't tell
you how much I've missed that.
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The smell of the office place.
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The freshly oiled leather
couches, the pungent coffee,
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the aroma of an exotic luncheon special
wafting up from the cafeteria below.
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Actually, that's the lab next door.
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They lost power last night, and
some of their tissue samples turned.
168
00:09:04,745 --> 00:09:07,247
By the way, I've put
together some recent articles
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00:09:07,331 --> 00:09:09,541
you may want to peruse to get up to speed.
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Up to speed?
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Well, it has been a while
since you've practiced,
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and we could all use a little brushing up.
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Well, that's very considerate of you.
174
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Just put my homework
assignment in my box there.
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As you wish.
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All right, where should we put this, then?
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Well, the only place it should go
is right here by the couch, I think.
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00:09:47,789 --> 00:09:51,667
No, Daphne, here on the desk it will
pick up the earth tones in the carpet.
179
00:09:51,751 --> 00:09:53,961
There is this dead space
here by the coffee station.
180
00:09:54,045 --> 00:09:55,963
Oh, underneath the heating vent?
181
00:09:56,047 --> 00:09:58,447
Why not just give it a
blindfold and a cigarette?
182
00:09:59,634 --> 00:10:02,428
-It is your office. Put it where you like.
-No, it is your plant.
183
00:10:02,512 --> 00:10:05,390
And it's my bleeding back,
so I'm putting it right here.
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00:10:06,432 --> 00:10:09,352
Honestly, I don't know
how you put up with him.
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00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:11,854
NILES: Liar! Liar!
186
00:10:11,938 --> 00:10:13,606
Daphne never said that.
187
00:10:13,690 --> 00:10:15,608
Well, she said it with body language.
188
00:10:16,234 --> 00:10:20,196
I happen to be fluent in that language,
and she said nothing of the kind.
189
00:10:21,030 --> 00:10:23,824
Would someone tell me what's
so important about this plant?
190
00:10:23,908 --> 00:10:26,744
You'll know soon enough.
I'm telling the rest of the story.
191
00:10:26,828 --> 00:10:28,454
I'm putting it right here.
192
00:10:30,873 --> 00:10:32,750
You know the best thing about getting old?
193
00:10:32,834 --> 00:10:36,670
Your hair may turn gray,
your joints may stiffen,
194
00:10:36,754 --> 00:10:38,654
you may even have to walk with a cane.
195
00:10:39,215 --> 00:10:41,592
But people still ask
you to help them move.
196
00:10:46,723 --> 00:10:48,849
Forgive me for overburdening you, Dad.
197
00:10:48,933 --> 00:10:51,227
Can you just put those
in my office, please?
198
00:10:54,147 --> 00:10:57,900
Oh, look at your two
names together on the door.
199
00:10:57,984 --> 00:11:01,988
But, Dr. Crane, is your brother's
name smaller than yours?
200
00:11:03,281 --> 00:11:05,908
Yes, that's the only way it would fit.
I assumed you wouldn't mind.
201
00:11:05,992 --> 00:11:09,092
After all, we're concerned here
with healing people, aren't we?
202
00:11:10,621 --> 00:11:11,706
Of course, Niles.
203
00:11:13,249 --> 00:11:18,463
If I were interested in self-promotion, I
guess I'd be content with my radio show,
204
00:11:19,547 --> 00:11:22,133
heard every day by over
half a million listeners
205
00:11:23,551 --> 00:11:27,597
in the Pacific Northwest
and parts of Canada.
206
00:11:30,392 --> 00:11:32,352
-What are you doing?
-I'm moving the schefflera.
207
00:11:32,436 --> 00:11:33,478
I liked it where it was.
208
00:11:33,562 --> 00:11:35,981
Yes, but it didn't like it there.
It wants light.
209
00:11:36,065 --> 00:11:39,025
You two tend to your plant.
I'll go fetch the file cabinet.
210
00:11:39,109 --> 00:11:42,862
I have had this plant for two years.
It's never been in direct sunlight.
211
00:11:42,946 --> 00:11:45,031
Obviously. Look at it.
The leaves are puckering.
212
00:11:45,115 --> 00:11:48,243
They are not. They're wilted from
the ride over in the trunk of the car.
213
00:11:48,327 --> 00:11:52,164
Oh, nonsense. Mafia snitches emerge
from car trunks looking more robust.
214
00:11:52,873 --> 00:11:56,335
-This plant is going right over…
-And so it begins.
215
00:11:59,296 --> 00:12:01,423
NILES: The incident with the
plant was only the beginning.
216
00:12:01,507 --> 00:12:04,050
That was followed by a
run-in at the receptionist's desk,
217
00:12:04,134 --> 00:12:06,011
a row at the coffee machine,
218
00:12:06,095 --> 00:12:08,805
and a contretemps when
Frasier lost the men's-room key.
219
00:12:08,889 --> 00:12:10,598
That was an accident.
220
00:12:10,682 --> 00:12:12,059
Yes, it very nearly was.
221
00:12:13,352 --> 00:12:16,104
I am so tired of your exaggeration.
222
00:12:16,188 --> 00:12:19,400
You always make things
50,000 times worse than they are.
223
00:12:20,859 --> 00:12:23,195
Look, I'm going to tell
the story from now on.
224
00:12:24,238 --> 00:12:27,949
The point is, our nerves
were, well, pretty much shot
225
00:12:28,033 --> 00:12:31,328
by the time we conducted
our first therapy group together.
226
00:12:31,412 --> 00:12:34,414
First off, I have a
colleague to introduce.
227
00:12:34,498 --> 00:12:36,541
He is not only an esteemed psychiatrist,
228
00:12:36,625 --> 00:12:38,918
he happens to be my
brother, Dr. Frasier Crane.
229
00:12:39,002 --> 00:12:40,462
Afternoon, everyone.
230
00:12:40,546 --> 00:12:44,424
Wow. You're Dr. Crane from the radio.
231
00:12:44,508 --> 00:12:46,885
-Guilty as charged.
-Ah.
232
00:12:46,969 --> 00:12:48,511
Yes, but we all have to remind Dr. Crane
233
00:12:48,595 --> 00:12:50,764
that this is real psychiatry
now, not the radio.
234
00:12:50,848 --> 00:12:52,891
No hanging up on the hard ones here.
235
00:12:57,938 --> 00:13:01,649
But rest assured, I am trained
to deal with a full range of issues.
236
00:13:01,733 --> 00:13:04,486
Everything from envy to jealousy.
237
00:13:06,738 --> 00:13:09,574
But I'll just be observing today.
238
00:13:09,658 --> 00:13:11,659
I don't know you well enough
to render any opinions yet,
239
00:13:11,743 --> 00:13:13,620
so just pretend I'm not here.
240
00:13:13,704 --> 00:13:15,164
And good luck with that.
241
00:13:19,376 --> 00:13:22,712
[CLEARS THROAT] Mrs. Kalish,
perhaps you could bring us up to date
242
00:13:22,796 --> 00:13:24,381
on how you're dealing with your divorce.
243
00:13:24,465 --> 00:13:26,884
-This is week two, isn't it?
-Yes.
244
00:13:27,634 --> 00:13:29,303
Well, um…
245
00:13:30,304 --> 00:13:33,306
I actually had my first date last night.
246
00:13:33,390 --> 00:13:35,142
Oh, that's wonderful.
247
00:13:35,226 --> 00:13:36,227
FRASIER: Hmm…
248
00:13:38,646 --> 00:13:39,772
Did you say something?
249
00:13:41,232 --> 00:13:42,233
I don't think so.
250
00:13:42,317 --> 00:13:46,488
It sounded like "hmm,"
like you disapproved.
251
00:13:48,281 --> 00:13:49,699
Well, since you asked.
252
00:13:51,493 --> 00:13:55,121
I think in divorce we
have, well, painful feelings
253
00:13:55,205 --> 00:13:57,123
which are nevertheless healthy feelings.
254
00:13:57,207 --> 00:13:59,208
If we start to date too quickly,
255
00:13:59,292 --> 00:14:01,877
we want to be sure that that's
not a panacea for the pain.
256
00:14:01,961 --> 00:14:05,131
Ooh, yes, you will find
my brother's quite deft
257
00:14:05,215 --> 00:14:06,465
with those peppy little bromides.
258
00:14:06,549 --> 00:14:09,301
"Panacea for the pain."
One can almost hear the phrase
259
00:14:09,385 --> 00:14:12,096
"We'll be right back after
these words from Pringles."
260
00:14:14,682 --> 00:14:17,732
You don't wanna wait too long
before you date, though, either.
261
00:14:18,186 --> 00:14:19,645
I waited five years.
262
00:14:19,729 --> 00:14:23,065
By then I was so desperate I stayed
with the first woman who came along.
263
00:14:23,149 --> 00:14:27,278
She ended up being the same
controlling ice princess as my first wife.
264
00:14:27,362 --> 00:14:28,279
FRASIER: Hmm.
265
00:14:28,363 --> 00:14:30,030
Well, Mr. Carr, there are many…
266
00:14:30,114 --> 00:14:33,564
Hold on, Dr. Crane. It sounded like
your brother said something again.
267
00:14:35,912 --> 00:14:37,372
Well, since you've asked.
268
00:14:39,582 --> 00:14:42,418
It occurred to me that
by waiting for five years
269
00:14:42,502 --> 00:14:45,129
and becoming, as you said, desperate,
270
00:14:45,922 --> 00:14:48,549
that perhaps you were
really giving yourself license
271
00:14:48,633 --> 00:14:51,427
to pursue a woman who
reminded you of your first wife.
272
00:14:52,095 --> 00:14:53,638
You had to repeat the pattern.
273
00:14:54,222 --> 00:14:56,140
Then you're saying it wasn't an accident?
274
00:14:56,224 --> 00:14:59,435
We have an expression in
psychiatry: There are no accidents.
275
00:15:00,019 --> 00:15:02,219
And now let's check
in with news and traffic.
276
00:15:06,109 --> 00:15:09,820
Dr. Crane, are you denying that
most accidents happen for a reason?
277
00:15:09,904 --> 00:15:12,531
No, Dr. Crane, I believe they do.
278
00:15:12,615 --> 00:15:15,534
I'm reminded of a recent accident
involving a four-inch wooden block
279
00:15:15,618 --> 00:15:18,918
attached to a men's-room key
which walked off in somebody's pocket.
280
00:15:21,291 --> 00:15:24,001
Obviously an act of
hostility, wouldn't you say?
281
00:15:24,085 --> 00:15:25,336
Certainly a well-deserved one
282
00:15:25,420 --> 00:15:29,257
considering what an insufferable
prig someone has been today.
283
00:15:30,091 --> 00:15:33,010
You dare call me a
prig after I rescued you
284
00:15:33,094 --> 00:15:35,012
from that sideshow you
call a radio program?
285
00:15:35,096 --> 00:15:36,639
One more crack about my show,
286
00:15:36,723 --> 00:15:40,423
and I'll put that wooden block in a
place you'll always be able to find it.
287
00:15:42,688 --> 00:15:45,524
Group, take five minutes
of quiet introspection.
288
00:15:51,989 --> 00:15:54,950
Frasier, I have made a fist
and I'm thinking of using it.
289
00:15:57,411 --> 00:15:58,912
You are not scaring me.
290
00:15:58,996 --> 00:16:01,999
The thumb goes on the outside, Niles.
On the outside.
291
00:16:03,917 --> 00:16:07,003
-How dare you try to steal my group?
-I don't need your group.
292
00:16:07,087 --> 00:16:09,130
I got a group of my
own, half a million strong.
293
00:16:09,214 --> 00:16:11,007
Oh, yes, your legions.
294
00:16:11,091 --> 00:16:13,176
Why don't you rent a barn,
pass out the body paint,
295
00:16:13,260 --> 00:16:14,560
and call it Frasier stock?
296
00:16:16,430 --> 00:16:18,348
I'm a little tired of your
condescending attitude.
297
00:16:18,432 --> 00:16:20,892
You have not missed one single
opportunity to run down my show
298
00:16:20,976 --> 00:16:23,520
or grab a book off the shelf
to help me get up to speed.
299
00:16:23,604 --> 00:16:25,188
By God, you're such a brilliant healer,
300
00:16:25,272 --> 00:16:26,731
you've taken over care of my schefflera.
301
00:16:26,815 --> 00:16:28,775
Well, you were starving it of sunlight.
302
00:16:28,859 --> 00:16:33,072
All right, fine, let's just give the
little dear all the sunlight it needs.
303
00:16:38,744 --> 00:16:40,579
Are you insane?
304
00:16:40,663 --> 00:16:43,873
If I were, Doctor, you'd never know it!
305
00:16:43,957 --> 00:16:46,167
Oh, you!
306
00:16:46,251 --> 00:16:50,338
-And you know it's true.
-You are the most ego maniacal,
307
00:16:50,422 --> 00:16:54,259
-self-important, pompous, sweaty…
-You have no insight, no feeling in…
308
00:16:54,843 --> 00:16:56,136
Is that my group? Group?
309
00:16:56,220 --> 00:16:58,055
Oh, wait, group. Come back, group.
310
00:16:58,972 --> 00:17:01,122
I'm very proud of this
show of independence.
311
00:17:02,434 --> 00:17:04,019
I hope you're happy.
312
00:17:04,103 --> 00:17:07,480
If I were, Doctor, you'd never know it.
313
00:17:07,564 --> 00:17:09,858
-Stop saying that.
-I will not stop saying it.
314
00:17:09,942 --> 00:17:12,360
-[BOTH ARGUING]
-Dr. Crane. Dr. Crane.
315
00:17:12,444 --> 00:17:13,486
Hello, Dr. Schachter.
316
00:17:13,570 --> 00:17:16,364
-What's going on?
-I'm having a discussion with my brother.
317
00:17:16,448 --> 00:17:19,200
I can hear your discussion
across the hall in my office.
318
00:17:19,284 --> 00:17:22,370
Well, you see, he waltzed in here
like the belle of the ball and into…
319
00:17:22,454 --> 00:17:24,205
I've seen you dancing all over…
320
00:17:24,289 --> 00:17:27,668
Whoa. Now, look, you two
are obviously in some distress.
321
00:17:28,544 --> 00:17:32,214
As you know, I am a
specialist in couples therapy.
322
00:17:33,716 --> 00:17:37,594
Never treated brothers before,
but still, you can step into my office.
323
00:17:37,678 --> 00:17:38,845
I'm sure I can help you.
324
00:17:38,929 --> 00:17:40,138
SCHACHTER: Hold it. Hold it.
325
00:17:40,222 --> 00:17:42,599
I never said, "I'm sure I can help you."
326
00:17:43,434 --> 00:17:46,104
I said, "I may be able to help you."
327
00:17:47,021 --> 00:17:48,523
See how he twists your words?
328
00:17:49,357 --> 00:17:50,775
It's right here, buddy boy.
329
00:17:51,401 --> 00:17:53,986
Enough! You are doctors!
330
00:17:54,070 --> 00:17:56,781
I've never seen anything
like this in my life.
331
00:17:56,865 --> 00:17:58,824
You think he's trying
to steal your patients.
332
00:17:58,908 --> 00:18:02,286
And you think he's trying to
undermine you as a psychiatrist.
333
00:18:02,370 --> 00:18:05,706
But you must know what
is at the root of this problem.
334
00:18:05,790 --> 00:18:06,833
CRANES: He is.
335
00:18:07,834 --> 00:18:08,793
No.
336
00:18:09,627 --> 00:18:12,630
You have a fundamental lack of trust.
337
00:18:12,714 --> 00:18:17,385
Oh, it may be so deeply rooted by
now that it's impossible to change,
338
00:18:17,469 --> 00:18:20,930
but there are certain
exercises that we could try,
339
00:18:21,014 --> 00:18:22,974
provided you two are willing.
340
00:18:23,725 --> 00:18:25,893
-Oh, if he's willing, I can try it.
-Yes, well, maybe.
341
00:18:25,977 --> 00:18:31,565
Let's start with the most
basic trust exercise there is.
342
00:18:31,649 --> 00:18:37,113
Now, one of you simply
stands on this footstool
343
00:18:37,197 --> 00:18:41,826
and falls backwards into
your brother's waiting arms,
344
00:18:41,910 --> 00:18:45,705
thus demonstrating that
we can trust each other.
345
00:18:45,789 --> 00:18:47,998
Dr. Crane, why don't you go first?
346
00:18:48,082 --> 00:18:49,417
Well, all right.
347
00:18:49,501 --> 00:18:52,420
Just get up there and let yourself go.
348
00:18:52,504 --> 00:18:54,047
All right. [CLEARS THROAT]
349
00:18:59,552 --> 00:19:01,252
Is he standing directly behind me?
350
00:19:02,305 --> 00:19:04,766
Yes. Now trust your brother.
351
00:19:08,561 --> 00:19:10,563
I'd feel better if he were
wearing rubber soles.
352
00:19:10,647 --> 00:19:14,025
Oh, for God's sake, Niles.
Just get down. I'll go first, all right?
353
00:19:20,698 --> 00:19:21,741
Is he in position?
354
00:19:23,201 --> 00:19:25,537
Yes. Trust him.
355
00:19:29,582 --> 00:19:31,532
You should know he catches like a girl.
356
00:19:35,046 --> 00:19:37,173
I don't believe this. Get down, will you?
357
00:19:37,674 --> 00:19:39,592
This couldn't be easier.
358
00:19:39,676 --> 00:19:43,721
I get up here, I count to
three, and you catch me.
359
00:19:43,805 --> 00:19:45,807
One, two, three.
360
00:19:49,352 --> 00:19:51,480
-Why didn't you catch him?
-Well, you were closer.
361
00:19:51,564 --> 00:19:53,523
-It was your turn.
-It was my turn?
362
00:19:53,607 --> 00:19:55,776
-[BOTH ARGUING]
-That is it! That is it.
363
00:19:56,652 --> 00:20:02,491
In 30 years as a couples therapist,
I've never said what I'm about to say.
364
00:20:03,534 --> 00:20:04,493
Give up.
365
00:20:07,496 --> 00:20:08,497
It's hopeless.
366
00:20:09,373 --> 00:20:12,751
You are pathologically
mistrustful of each other.
367
00:20:13,460 --> 00:20:16,672
Competitive to the point of madness.
368
00:20:17,965 --> 00:20:19,091
So, trust me,
369
00:20:20,259 --> 00:20:24,513
just meet each other at
weddings and funerals,
370
00:20:24,597 --> 00:20:28,726
and the rest of the time, stay
the hell away from each other.
371
00:20:30,853 --> 00:20:35,982
And now I am going to limp
to the nearest pub and drink
372
00:20:36,066 --> 00:20:38,652
until the rest of me is as numb as my ass.
373
00:20:48,037 --> 00:20:48,954
Well…
374
00:20:50,289 --> 00:20:51,665
That was quite a diagnosis.
375
00:20:54,293 --> 00:20:55,210
Yes.
376
00:20:57,254 --> 00:20:58,881
But there's no denying it.
377
00:21:00,424 --> 00:21:04,386
We are vindictive and competitive.
378
00:21:04,470 --> 00:21:06,305
Petty, mistrustful.
379
00:21:06,972 --> 00:21:08,682
And as so often in these cases,
380
00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:12,477
it took someone outside our
situation to point it out to us.
381
00:21:12,561 --> 00:21:15,189
Well, Dad always said it,
but he has no credentials.
382
00:21:17,483 --> 00:21:20,569
Well, there's no arguing with
Dr. Schachter's credentials.
383
00:21:20,653 --> 00:21:22,988
My God, the man is an expert in his field.
384
00:21:24,198 --> 00:21:26,200
He graduated from the University of…
385
00:21:29,745 --> 00:21:30,704
Grenada.
386
00:21:34,291 --> 00:21:37,168
Well, surely that was just
his undergraduate schooling.
387
00:21:37,252 --> 00:21:39,802
Oh, yes, of course.
His graduate work was done in…
388
00:21:41,757 --> 00:21:42,758
Aruba.
389
00:21:45,970 --> 00:21:48,179
-An all-Caribbean schooling.
-Hmm.
390
00:21:48,263 --> 00:21:49,431
Well, tally me banana.
391
00:21:50,015 --> 00:21:51,725
♪ Tally me banana ♪
392
00:21:52,226 --> 00:21:54,269
I knew the man was a fraud
the minute he opened his mouth.
393
00:21:54,353 --> 00:21:56,564
Oh, I'll have him out of his
lease at the end of the week.
394
00:21:56,648 --> 00:21:59,692
Oh, Niles, we've still got
time to catch a late lunch.
395
00:21:59,776 --> 00:22:01,944
-Oh, Perisse is just around the corner.
-Away we go.
396
00:22:02,028 --> 00:22:05,114
-Chez Shea is just as close.
-But the food at Perisse is much better.
397
00:22:05,198 --> 00:22:07,617
Oh, nonsense.
Compared to Chez Shea, it's slop for pigs.
398
00:22:07,701 --> 00:22:09,118
-Have you lost your mind?
-Shut up.
399
00:22:09,202 --> 00:22:10,402
NILES: Oh, you shut up.
400
00:22:12,789 --> 00:22:13,789
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
401
00:22:13,873 --> 00:22:16,565
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
402
00:22:16,649 --> 00:22:18,920
♪ Tossed salad and scrambled eggs ♪
403
00:22:20,005 --> 00:22:20,838
Mercy.
404
00:22:20,922 --> 00:22:23,341
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
405
00:22:23,425 --> 00:22:25,843
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
406
00:22:25,927 --> 00:22:28,137
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
407
00:22:28,221 --> 00:22:29,680
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
408
00:22:29,764 --> 00:22:33,393
♪ With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
409
00:22:34,102 --> 00:22:36,771
♪ They're callin' again ♪
410
00:22:36,855 --> 00:22:38,648
Good night, Seattle, we love you!