[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
FRASIER: Brian, let me assure you, no one is a "born scatterbrain."
You simply have to develop your powers of concentration.
On a trip to the Amazon,
I was able to observe the hunters of the primitive Shipibo tribe.
With nothing more than a crude blowgun,
they can bring down small monkeys from the forest canopy high above their heads.
How? Focus.
And mental discipline.
And that's what we have to work on, Brian.
Focus on one thing and not allow ourselves to be distracted by a single…
We've been nominated for a Sea Be a!
-Oh. -Oh, oh.
Of course, we should never become so single-minded
that we don't allow ourselves to be spontaneous.
We'll be back after this.
-Oh, Roz! -Yay!
This is wonderful! Two years in a row! They like me, they really like me!
Oh, my God, I have to lose 5 pounds in two weeks.
That'll be enough of that.
Roz, Roz, I bought this for you this morning.
I was hoping that I wouldn't have to say this was just for being you.
Oh, thanks, Frasier. This is so great.
You know, last year I was so obsessed with winning
that I didn't even enjoy being nominated.
This year I don't care if we win or lose.
I'm just gonna buy myself a beautiful dress and have my hair done.
I'm gonna stretch out in the back of the limo with my date and…
Wonder why you bothered having your hair done.
Hey, Doc, congratulations!
Hey, Roz! Oh, okay.
I understand congratulations are in order for you as well, Bulldog.
What is this, four nominations? Three wins?
Yep. I've been a symbol of broadcasting excellence in Seattle
since 1991.
[SNIFFING]
[BARKING]
See you, Doc.
-Thirty seconds. -Oh, thank you, Roz.
Whom do we have?
On line one, we have a shoplifter from Bainbridge.
And then line two is your number one fan.
-Oh, Kari? -Mm-hm. For the fourth time this week.
Why don't you let me get rid of her?
All she ever does is gush and tell you how wonderful you are.
And this hurts me how?
Hello, Seattle, we're back. Got time for just one more call.
So, Roz, who do we have on the line?
Oh, please.
Hello. You're on with Frasier Crane.
KARI [ON PHONE]: Hi, Dr. Crane. It's me, Kari.
Nervous as usual. Anyway, I hope you're not getting sick of me.
-Oh, no. -I just think you're wonderful.
-Oh… -Thank you for always talking to me.
Well, thank you for being so sweet.
Well, thank you for giving such good advice.
Well, thank you for being…
Uh, I'm sorry.
If that's all…
That was a beautiful rose you bought this morning.
Yes, I bought it to give to…
-Excuse me? -Don't be surprised.
I saw you at the florist. You weren't doing your regular routine.
-My regular routine? -Cafe Nervosa.
You go there every morning. Except today. I can tell I'm boring you now. Bye.
Uh, well, goodbye, Kari.
Hmm. Well… That's all our time for today, Seattle.
Goodbye and good listening.
That was pretty weird. Now she's following you?
I don't think it's so weird. She's hardly following me.
Maybe she hangs out at Cafe Nervosa too, and the florist is right next door.
You gotta be careful out there. There's a lot of creeps.
I hate that word, "creep."
I've met a lot of odd people in this business.
I'd never refer to any of them as a creep.
Roz, will you stop wearing those corduroys?
I can't see your panty line.
Although some people do send me groping for synonyms.
Ah, what are you up to?
I just measured your father for his tuxedo.
Oh, that reminds me.
Maris won't be able to make your Sea Be a Awards tomorrow night.
Well, color me surprised. Any particular reason?
Yes.
This time it's a good one. She's very upset about her manicurist.
The woman's been doing Maris' nails for years now,
and she has taken critically ill.
Oh, dear. How bad is she?
Oh, she'll be fine once she finds another manicurist.
Until then, she's curtailing all public appearances.
Well, I'm sorry. It's not like I'm nominated for a Sea Be a every year.
Oh, wait a minute. Yes, it is.
Well, as some illustrious person once said,
"Popularity is the hallmark of mediocrity."
-You just made that up, didn't you? -Yes, but I stand by it.
Will you be joining us for dinner tonight, Dr. Crane?
No, Frasier and I are going to the opera. We're seeing…
BOTH: Der fliegende Holländer.
-The tickets are in your briefcase. -Oh, yes, thanks.
NILES: I can hear that first aria already.
♪ Bom, bom, bom, bom… ♪
Don't. You'll start singing it, then I'll start singing it,
and I won't be able to get it out of my head.
What is this?
"Dear Dr. Crane,
"A little bit of me to wrap around your neck."
Your number one fan, Kari."
Oh, how sweet. Your fan knitted you a scarf.
Yes, but when did she put it in my briefcase?
I haven't had it out of my hand all day except when I was in the barber chair.
That didn't give her more than 30 seconds.
So this woman followed you into the barbershop
and slipped a scarf into your briefcase?
She's a very devoted fan.
-She has the handwriting of a sociopath. -She does not.
Big loops.
That's exactly how Scotland Yard caught the Butcher of Brighton.
He used big loops, a clear sign of anger,
and he crossed his T's in a downward stroke,
indicating aggression.
Of course, he also kept a demitasse saucer full of eyelids on his night table.
Anybody think we should put a two-way lock on her door?
Well, it's probably nothing,
but there are weirdos out there, so keep your eyes open.
She's not a weirdo.
She's just a woman who finds me fascinating.
And the distinction would be…
In any case, I do think that her invading my space is inappropriate.
I hardly think we should barricade the door.
NILES: Let's review.
She started with calls to the station, then moved on to spying on you.
Now she's been in your briefcase?
It's the classic progression of the predator stalking its prey
in ever-narrowing circles, or loops.
That's for you, Daphne.
-Thank you. -[DOORBELL RINGS]
You make me sound like a goat staked out in a clearing.
No one is hunting me down. No one is closing in on me.
Oh. Well, look, these must be from the station.
Yes.
Oh. "Your number one fan, Kari."
"Your time has come.
You're finally going to get what you deserve."
The loop tightens.
Stop it, Niles.
She's probably just referring to the fact that it's time I win this award.
Try as you will, you are not gonna turn me into some sort of a nervous wreck.
-[BALLOON POPS] -[GASPS]
It's just not going to happen.
MAN [ON PHONE]: I don't understand it, Doc.
I'm a successful guy. I have my own car dealership.
But still, I'm depressed. You've probably heard of me.
Madman Martinez?
What seems to be the source of your depression, Madman?
-I guess it's just that business is down. -Hmm.
I don't know why. I slashed prices this week.
Right now I got an '88 Olds Cutlass on the lot in rare turquoise metallic,
Cordova roof, leather, factory air…
Madman,
and that's nothing compared to the six brand-new Supras I got in.
They're priced to sell with a 20% discount to all your listeners.
People say to me, "Madman, you're crazy." But I say, "Hey, I deal in volume!
-I deal in…" -Fortunately, so do I.
That's all the time we have today, folks.
Stay tuned for Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe after these paid commercial messages.
What is the matter with you?
You're supposed to be screening calls.
ROZ: Just douse me in gasoline and toss me a match.
I was hoping a stern warning would do the trick.
I'm talking about this.
Three hours until the Sea Be as,
and my nose erupts like Krakatau!
Well…
It's barely noticeable.
From where, the space shuttle?
Is this vintage Roz or what?
I finally lose 5 pounds and I gain 3 of it back on my nose.
Roz, Roz, listen, I'm sure that with enough foundation
and some contouring, maybe a little shadowing…
Have you considered wearing a beekeeper's mask?
Do I make fun of that astro do me you call a forehead?
Gee, Roz…
It's been a tough week for me too.
Kari's taken to putting notes in my briefcase.
-She's even been to my apartment. -Frasier, you've got to do something.
Don't you remember Leo the Happy Chef? He had an obsessed fan too.
It started out innocently, like yours,
and she ended up breaking into his house.
I understand she bent his whisk and scratched all his Teflon.
Make fun all you want, but she made his life miserable.
She didn't quit until he hired a bodyguard.
-Do you want me to find out who he is? -No.
I have a hard time believing that Kari poses a real threat.
She doesn't even have the nerve to come up and look at me face-to-face.
Lord knows she's had the opportunity.
Well, suit yourself, but if you ask me, the woman is acting very weird.
Hmm. Is the tea good for your nose?
No, I finally found a bag to match my shoes.
Roz, you're dripping all over the console. Here.
Oh, my goodness.
-Kari? -Again?
-How did she get in your jacket? -I have no idea.
"I'm very disappointed in you, Dr. Crane.
"You didn't wear the scarf I knitted you even though it was very cold."
"The last man who disappointed me that way…"
"Is in his grave."
"PS. I'll be at the awards tonight, and I'll be looking for you."
Your number one fan, Kari."
Oh, great. I'm sitting at your table with a bull's-eye on my nose.
[CORK POPS]
DAPHNE: Now, now, Dr. Crane, you've really got to try to relax.
You're right, Daphne.
What do I have to be nervous about?
I'm only up for a major award. If I lose, I'll be devastated.
If I win, the madwoman who's stalking me will have a clear shot when I accept.
Oh, don't worry about it so. That's what you hired the bodyguard for.
MARTIN: I still don't see why.
Most likely nothing's gonna happen.
Even if it does, I was a cop for 30 years.
This whole thing's a waste of money.
There's a big difference between a policeman and a skilled bodyguard.
These people are trained to size up a crowd, plan escape routes,
even get shot if necessary.
I know how to take a bullet.
That's just what your personality needs. Another bullet.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
That must be him.
Who is it, please?
NILES: Lizzie Borden. I want you to autograph my hatchet.
That's not very funny.
NILES: Everyone ready to go?
We're still waiting for his Rent-a-Goon.
Apparently he's stuck in traffic.
Or your admirer ran into him first and he's stuffed in some janitor's closet,
his purple, bloated tongue protruding above his freshly garroted neck.
Is that champagne?
Oh, you're a fountain of comfort this evening.
Oh, I'm just teasing.
If you must know, I'm a little jealous. I told Maris about your troubles.
All she does is sulk and talk about bodyguards.
Why don't we need one? Aren't we important enough to be stalked?
I have no idea what to say to the poor woman.
Tell her to just go on being herself and her day'll come.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Must be my muscle.
Dear Good, it's a woman.
-Where's my bodyguard when I need him? -[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
WOMAN: Hello? It's Cindy Carruthers from the Unified Protection Agency.
Your bodyguard's named Cindy?
What's the matter, they were out of Tiffanys?
I was expecting someone big and wide, like a Dominic, a Rocco.
A Ruth, even.
Hello. I'm so glad to see you.
Thank you, Dr. Crane. But you just made a fatal mistake.
Oh, my God, it is Kari.
No, I mean you should have called the agency and asked for a description
before you let me in.
Hi, Tina. Bring the car around to the service entrance.
-Tina? -I guess Candy was busy.
First rule for tonight is trust no one you don't know.
Ooh, let me write that down.
I suppose you're right. I just…
Just start to feel silly when I act paranoid.
-Don't. Paranoid is good. -I was paranoid.
Who are these people?
This is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane, my father, Martin,
and his home care specialist, Daphne Moon.
Oh, goodness, you've seen quite a bit of mayhem in your day, haven't you?
-Excuse me? -Well, you see, I can sense these things.
I'm a bit psychic. Oh, wait. I'm getting a flash now.
Did you have a grandfather with a steel plate in his head?
This lunatic who's been calling you, any particular accent?
No, no.
You have a security system in this place?
DAPHNE: We don't need a security system. We've got Eddie here.
Hello, Eddie.
Don't let him fool you.
You laid a hand on me, you'd have a bite in your butt the size of a tennis ball.
And Eddie would go for your ankles.
My, look at the time. Shouldn't we be going?
You better let me secure the elevator.
Wait here and don't open the door for anyone.
Ah, by the way, Dr. Crane,
I'll need to know your blood type, location of the nearest trauma center,
and a list of family members who'd be willing to donate organs.
Just so you know, Frasier, I have unusually small kidneys.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello, Crane residence.
-I think it's her. -Niles, call Cindy.
MARTIN: Put it on speaker.
Hello?
KARI: Hi. I know you're in a hurry, but I just wanted to let you know
I'd be wearing a bright red dress tonight.
-Kari… -But don't worry.
You won't have to find me. I'll find you.
[EDDIE WHIMPERS]
Bye.
Kari, wait.
[DIAL TONE HUMS]
Oh, don't let it bother you so. Come on, let's go.
Quite frankly, I find it hard to imagine
a woman with such a sweet little voice being dangerous.
Does the name Squeaky From me mean anything to you?
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
All right, I'm seeing a lot of red dresses here,
so let's go over some ground rules.
Don't go anywhere alone.
If you have to go to the men's room, go with a buddy
and keep your back to the wall at all times.
It's gonna take some marksmanship right there.
Don't move, but I think I see her. Red dress, standing by the bar.
She's staring at every man who comes in,
but she's hiding her face behind a program.
Oh. That is my producer, Roz.
She's harmless. She just has a pimple on her nose.
Looks like some kind of biblical plague.
Roz, Roz, over here.
Give me that. Come on, you look beautiful.
Come join us.
Hi, I'm Cindy Carruthers.
Hi. Hi, guys.
BOTH: Hi, Roz.
Oh, stop that. Now, Roz, listen, you look terrific.
You've done a wonderful job with your problem there.
It's practically disappeared. Yes.
Oh, Roz, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?
And who's this lovely lady?
Cindy Carruthers.
Be careful. She has a concealed weapon.
Makes two of us. Heh.
He's not kidding. She's his bodyguard.
Hey, how'd you like to check out a body worth guarding?
[NECK CRACKS]
If I move my thumb a quarter of an inch, I could kill you.
Whoa, I've never been so turned on in my life.
Ow, ow. Okay, let me go.
So can I call you?
Jeez, you know, I wish this woman would just make her move.
I hate this looking over my shoulder thinking it could be anyone.
At least you know she's wearing a red dress.
Maybe.
-What do you mean, maybe? -Well, I'm no professional bodyguard,
but if I was some loony tune looking to whack a guy,
maybe I just wouldn't tell the truth about what I was wearing.
No offense to your father,
but I think you should stick to looking for a woman in a red dress.
Here we are, good as new.
Well, should we all head up to the ballroom?
-All right. -Help me.
Oh.
-FRASIER: Niles… -What?
Listen, hear me out on this.
Didn't it seem curious to you that Cindy was so quick to dismiss Dad's theory?
Cindy, who is not wearing a red dress.
-You can't think that she's… -Shh!
-She couldn't be… But how… -Buh… Tch…
Think about it.
She was conveniently out of the apartment
at precisely the moment the stalker phoned.
So she was.
We know she has a cellular phone. That's how she called for the car.
But if it is Cindy, why hasn't she made her move?
Maybe she's waiting to get you alone.
Ah, too many red dresses in there. We'll take our own elevator.
Well, well…
Don't be nervous.
Oh, I'm not nervous. I'm…
Just a little chilly. It's a cold night.
Should've worn a scarf.
Yes, I suppose I should have.
Believe me, I meant to. Honest. Um…
Where is that elevator?
You know, I asked for this assignment.
The truth is, I'm quite a fan of yours.
But I guess you figured that out already.
-Oh, my God. -What?
-There! -Where?
There, behind the bar!
WOMAN: Frasier Crane?
I've been waiting for this moment for a long time.
-I'm your number one fan. -[YELLS]
[THUD]
Roz, Roz, find Cindy!
Help me, please! Get him off me!
Frasier, are you insane?
This is Mrs. Littlejohn, the head of the nomination committee.
Really?
NILES: Cornelia Littlejohn? This is a small world.
I know your brother, Aubrey.
MARTIN: Oh, my gosh. Hey, help the lady up.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Mrs. Littlejohn.
You see, it's just that I've been stalked by this woman named Kari,
and when you said that you'd been waiting for me, I…
-To get an autograph for my niece. -Oh. Well, who's got a pen?
Thank you, no.
Let's hope we win this year. We're not getting nominated next year.
Roz, are you doing something different with your hair?
What happened? Why did you run away from me?
I'll tell you what happened. Paranoia turned me into a crazy person.
First I thought you were the stalker, then I thought she was the stalker.
I've had enough of this.
I'm gonna confront this thing face-to-face.
Everyone, I will be in the lobby!
Come on, Frasier, just calm down.
Dad, please. I will be in the lobby!
You're Kari, aren't you?
How did you know?
You made a scarf just like that for Frasier.
He's my son.
I think there's been a big misunderstanding.
I'm just a fan. I never meant to frighten him.
Well, what about that note
about "the last guy who didn't wear the scarf ended up in his grave"?
Oh, that meant my husband, Walter. He caught pneumonia.
I won't bother your son anymore.
Uh, could you just tell him what happened?
I'll be glad to explain.
And if I'm lucky,
he won't understand and I'll have to explain all over again.
I'm sure he'll understand.
That's the one thing about your son, Mr. Crane.
He's so smart and level-headed.
What's she been smoking?
FRASIER: Well, I'm here!
You demented harpy!
Come and get me!
-[DOOR OPENS] -Kari?
Kari!
All right, I know you're down here. Come on out and face me.
Not so brave anymore, huh?
You think you're tough,
but you're only tough as long as you're hiding in the shadows.
You wanna see who's really tough?
You just come on out here!
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
When I said "tough," I was speaking clearly in a…
A rhetorical sense.
Would, uh…
Any of you happen to have the time?
Would, uh…
Any of you, uh
like the time?
[WHIMPERING]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Mercy.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
What is a boy to do?
Good night!