[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
FRASIER: Well, that's it for today. Goodbye and good listening.
A little off our game today, aren't we, Roz?
-Is there something wrong? -Yes.
I told a guy I love him.
Somebody you know, this time?
Forget it, Frasier. I know you don't like to hear about my love life.
Oh, Roz, don't be ridiculous. I care about you.
If you have a problem and I can help, I'd love to.
Just keep the details on a need-to-know basis.
Okay, we've been dating a couple of weeks,
and last night he started licking me behind my ears.
-See, I have this sweet, little spot… -Roz, is this…
Yes, you do need to know this.
So, anyway, what I meant to say was, "Oh, I love that."
But I got so caught up that I yelled out:
"Oh, I love you!"
All of a sudden, he got this look on his face
like Indiana Jones running from the big ball.
Well, uh, Roz, do you love him?
No, but I said it, so he should have said it back.
It's just polite.
There is no more emotionally charged phrase in the language than "I love you."
Some people are just incapable of saying it.
It makes them too vulnerable.
My father, for instance, incapable of saying "I love you."
Even to me. But I know he does.
So your father never told you he loves you?
God, that explains so much.
What is that supposed to mean?
Well, maybe if he had, you wouldn't be so emotionally needy
that when a close friend asks your advice,
you have to steer the conversation back to your own problems.
So, anyway, now that I told this guy I love him, how do I take it back?
Very simple, Roz.
Do you remember when I said that I cared about you and I'd like to help?
-Yeah. -I take it back.
Eddie, get out of there. You'll get a fish hook up your nose.
Don't you ever clean that thing out?
No, it's bad luck. Everybody knows that.
You show up on a fishing trip with a tackle box
that doesn't smell like the most rancid rotten thing on the face
of the earth, and nobody'll sit next to ya.
Yes, Niles, I used to have the same problem
with my multiple personality patients.
They always kept saying that the other one had sent the check.
What an odd combination of odors.
It smells like a fish died and all the other fish sent flowers.
Yes, it's time for Dad's annual ice-fishing trip to Lake Nomahegan.
Yeah, getting my gear ready.
Duke rented a cabin right on the lake, and I'm bringing the bait and the pork rinds.
Now, just 'cause your old man's going out of town,
I don't want you boys throwing any wild parties.
How can we if you're taking all the pork rinds?
I can't figure it out.
How could a fish be so dumb as to put its mouth around… Ow!
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello. Oh, hello. Yes, he's right here.
-It's Duke. -Oh, hey, Duke…
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah, sure, I understand.
Hey, we'll do it next year.
Yeah, we got too many good times up there to let this tradition die.
Yeah, yeah, I love ya, ya big lug!
Okay, bye.
Your trip's been canceled?
Yeah, Duke's back's out again.
Oh, what a shame. You were so looking forward to it.
Well, I still have the cabin, but…
Can't go alone.
Oh, Dad, look, as much as I'd like to do something with you this weekend, I…
I'm afraid ice fishing just isn't it.
It's… Oh, look, look, here's an idea.
You know, they're doing a revival of The Ice Man Cometh playing downtown.
Now, you see, we could catch a matinee and then go out for sushi
and stay well within the same theme, you see.
Thanks, anyway.
DAPHNE: Well, I'd go, but, to me, the pleasure of fishing has always
been waiting for the men to return with their catch.
Oh, I can still see my brothers' friends coming back from the lake,
their chiseled faces all ruddy and wind-burnt.
Oh, they were so masculine.
I just couldn't wait to pan-fry their kippers.
I'll go ice fishing, Dad.
-Really? Are you sure? -Unless you don't want me to.
-No, I do. Oh, this'll be great! -FRASIER: You?
-Ice fishing? -NILES: Oh, why not?
I've always thought of myself as a man of the great al fresco.
Niles, you get a runny nose watching figure skating on TV.
Hey, thanks, Niles.
It's the very least I can do if it'll help save your trip for you.
Oh, great!
Oh, well, Niles, that's quite a gesture. But, I mean, really, ice fishing?
In an arctic tundra where large men spit and it freezes in their beards.
After you've seen Maris's interpretive dance group perform "Afternoon of a Faun"
in the east garden, the wilderness holds no terror.
-Good morning, Daphne. -Good morning.
-Lovely day, isn't it? -Oh, you're in a good mood.
Yes, well, as much as I love your father,
with him gone, it's going to be a wonderful weekend.
Care to make it perfect?
Sorry to disappoint you, but I am staying.
Well, I found the Thermos.
Be sure and make that coffee extra strong.
Oh, hey, how ya doing, Chief?
Yeah, I know you wanna go with me, but we're gonna be on the ice.
It'll be too cold for ya.
Yeah, I love ya, ya little mutt!
Well, I better go make sure I have everything.
Did he just say "I love you" to the dog?
Oh, that's nothing.
I had an aunt who used to say "Good night, Mr. Vanderpump" to a hat rack.
Does he say that to Eddie a lot?
Oh, I try to give them their privacy.
Sorry, Daphne, I'm just curious.
I don't mean to sound maudlin, but, you know, I…
I can't remember Dad ever saying that to me.
Oh, you know what a crusty, old git your dad is.
Well, yes, but, geez, he says it to Eddie.
You know, he said it to Duke the other day on the phone.
Duke and your father go way back.
-He's his chum. -And I'm not?
Well, you know, when your father wants to go fishing,
at least Duke will go with him.
So you're suggesting that I go along and pretend I'm enjoying myself,
do something that gives me absolutely no pleasure at all,
just to hear the words "I love you"?
Why not?
Women have been doing it for centuries.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Call me Ishmael.
Wow, Niles, look at you.
Are you sure you're gonna be warm enough?
No problem there. I dressed in layers, Polo, Eddie Bauer and Timberland.
You look like a skinny Elmer Fudd.
Dad, Wait'll you see all the stuff I got.
I had no idea how much I liked fishing till I realized all the shopping involved.
Graphite poles…
-Wow! -And…
-"Hot Buns." -Wow!
They're heated seat cushions.
You microwave them and they stay toasty warm for hours.
You know, Dad, maybe I was a little hasty…
All right, here we are, some snacks for the trip up.
Oh, look at you, Dr. Crane, in your new togs.
Yeah, quite an outfit, huh? The fish'll see him coming.
Yes, well, the salesman certainly did.
Dad, you know, I feel kind of bad that I turned you down
the other day when you invited me.
MARTIN: Oh, don't worry about it.
NILES: Wait'll you taste this freshly-smoked Turkey Jerky.
For heaven's sakes, you know you want to go, so why don't you just ask him?
Well, how can I? I already said I didn't want to.
-Oh, that's delicious! -Oh, don't put it back…
Hey, Niles, come on. It's getting late.
Guess we'd better hit the road.
You know, guys, it's kind of a long trip.
Are you, you sure you're up to the drive?
Frasier, I'm getting some mixed signals here.
-You don't wanna go with us, do you? -Oh, all right!
Better than hearing you nag, nag, nag all the time.
Fine, I'll go! Fine!
[WIND WHISTLING]
Oh, this is… Oh.
Hey, come on, the ice isn't gonna break.
This lake's been frozen solid for three months.
Well, I'm sorry, Dad.
It's just that when you said Duke had rented a cabin on the lake,
this is not what I had in mind.
It's a cabin. It's on the lake.
Well, yes, a few degrees warmer, it'll be in the lake.
That was amazing.
-I've never felt so in touch with nature! -MARTIN: What happened?
For the first time in my life, I just urinated outdoors.
Another cup of coffee, I'll go back and dot the "I."
Oh, Dad, this is great!
Yeah, well, Frasier doesn't think so.
Well, it's not that I'm complaining.
It's just that I thought it would be something more…
Well, lake-adjacent.
Are we actually going to sleep in here?
Who is this rube?
Maybe we can trick him into touching his tongue to the bait bucket.
No, we're fishing here.
We're sleeping someplace else.
Remember when we turned off the highway?
Well, right down from there is the Bed 'N Bass Motel.
Bed 'N Bass…
Yes, one of the finer fish-themed hotels.
So, what do we do? We…
We drill a hole in the ice with this little corkscrew thingy
and then just start fishing?
It's called an auger.
Well, imagine my embarrassment.
-Here's your "Hot Buns," Dad. -Oh, thanks.
What am I gonna sit on?
The auger's free.
Oh, all right, come on, come on, here.
I saw that.
I am not bored. I'm…
Simply wondering how long we've been sitting here enjoying ourselves.
If the fish don't feel peckish just now, we'll pass the time in good conversation.
Dad, did you know that Lake Nomahegan was formed by the retreat
of several glaciers during the Cenozoic Era?
Which, coincidentally, was the last time anyone caught a fish in it.
How'd you know that, Niles?
Well, last night I was browsing through Fielding's Geological History
of Western Canada.
It's fascinating!
For example, did you know this very lake is 89 meters deep
and boasts 50 varieties of fish?
Oh, Alex, I'll take bodies of water for 500!
It has lake trout, rainbow trout, wall-eyed pike…
How would you like to be sleeping with them?
You could learn a thing or two from your brother
about getting into the spirit of things.
Well, I'm sorry! It's just that my back hurts, I'm hungry,
and I'm tired of sitting here, trying to warm up one bun at a time…
In 20-degree weather.
That's negative six degrees Celsius,
a system named after Anders Celsius,
the famed Swedish astronomer and compulsive temperature taker!
Niles, switch!
All right.
I believe you're on my side.
I am not.
You've crossed the border.
Oh, my God. I don't even know why I'm here!
-I'm thinking the same thing myself. -Guys, come on.
If you're having a terrible time,
why don't you just head back to the Bed 'N Bass?
Okay, fine, that's just what I need, a brisk five-mile hike
through sub-freezing temperatures.
Oh, for God's sake, take the car. You can pick us up later.
Fine.
Oh, no.
-There's a hole in my pocket. -You lost the keys?
Oh, no, where?
Well, if I knew where, they wouldn't be lost!
They could be anywhere between here and the car.
Well, good luck finding them. It's been snowing all day.
Great! We're gonna have to stay here all night.
This is just dandy. By morning, we'll be Stouffers' frozen entrees for wolves!
Hey, wait a minute! Is that them over there?
Where? Oh, oh, oh, thank God!
All right, mister, I don't trust you. Give me those right now!
Fine, Mr. Big Brother.
-Nice catch. -Me? You throw like a girl!
-Oh! -MARTIN: Boys, let's not panic.
You know, we're gonna be fine staying here all night.
You know, the same thing happened to me and Duke about ten years ago.
-You dropped your car keys down the hole? -No, we're not idiots.
The car battery died.
The three of us made it through the night just fine.
You, Duke and who?
My old drinking buddy, Mr. James Beam.
You're not the only one who went out and got some fishing supplies.
Boy, I never thought I'd end up yearning for the Bed 'N Bass.
-Niles? -Yes, please.
[CRACKING NOISES]
My God, what was that?
It's just the ice cracking underneath us.
Relax, it happens all the time.
Well, if we do fall in, we'll have 90 seconds until hypothermia sets in.
One more fact, you're going in that hole!
-The wall-eyed pike… -That's it!
MARTIN: All right, stop that!
Will you guys stop going after each other already?
I know, we're gonna lighten things up around here.
Hey, we're drinking. We need a drinking song.
All right, all right.
Ooh, I know, there's a wonderful drinking song from La Traviata called
"Libiamo Brindisi."
No, no, no, that's from Rigoletto.
No, it's from La Traviata.
[SINGING IN ITALIAN]
Bravo!
Oh, man, that was great!
Oh, what's the second verse?
I don't know, it's in Italian.
Another drink?
No, no, I'll take a pass on that.
I gotta go use the facilities.
But I'll be right back, so keep a light on in the window for me.
Well, I'm still thirsty, Niles.
Here, beam me up.
Boy.
Niles, do you mind if I ask you a personal question?
What the hell are you doing here?
What do you mean?
You know, this whole Sergeant Niles of the Yukon act.
I mean, come on, it can't be all to impress Daphne.
It's not an act!
Look, Niles, in 20 years,
I've never heard you comment on fish except to say
that the sauce had separated.
All right. I'll tell you. You promise not to laugh?
You'll have to take that hat off.
Well, two years ago when you took Dad in,
I thought I was getting away with something.
But watching you two get closer,
I started to think maybe I was missing out on something.
Do you want him?
No, no, let me finish.
I just really feel the need to make a connection.
Well, Niles, I think you've made a connection.
It just seems a little bit extreme though.
You probably could have accomplished the same thing
if you'd just taken him to Captain Andy's Surf 'N Turf.
And miss out on all the fun of memorizing 101 useless fish facts
and buying a large battery-operated wardrobe?
So you're having just as bad a time as I am?
Oh, oh, oh, worse.
At least you have the fun of complaining.
I have to feign enthusiasm.
Oh, I really am king of the ninnies, aren't I?
Oh, well, don't be reaching for that scepter yet, son.
-Wanna know the reason I came up here? -Hm.
Just to hear him say the words "I love you."
What?
Yeah, well, you know, he said it to Duke, he said it to Eddie.
He's never said it to me.
Surely you don't put yourself up there with Eddie.
Oh, Frasier, you know he loves you.
Oh, yeah, of course I do.
I'm being ridiculous. I know that. I mean, look at the guy.
He's content just to sit here freezing his buns off
because we're sitting here with him.
It's just, I guess I got a little obsessed about, you know, hearing it from him.
Well, I mean, you know that Maris loves you, right?
But it's still nice to hear it.
I imagine it would be, but let's stick to attainable goals.
And they laughed the laugh of the damned!
Boy, I did it!
I wrote my name out there.
I had to borrow an "N" from Niles, but I did it.
We're leaving quite the urological crossword puzzle out there, aren't we?
What were you guys laughing at?
Oh, nothing.
Oh, come on, don't leave your old man out.
Well, all right, okay. I…
I was just explaining to Niles that the reason
why I drove all this way up here was to…
Hoping I'd hear you say the words "I love you."
Oh, geez, I leave you for two minutes and you have to start thinking.
Isn't it enough that we're just here having a good time?
Dad…
You know, every year in this country, thousands of guys go fishing
and love never enters into it.
-Okay, we'll forget about it. -Thank you.
-Now can we just go on fishing? -Sure.
A fisherman in Oshkosh, Wisconsin, stared into one of these holes
for 20 years before he caught his first fish.
-Haven't we been here that long? -[NILES LAUGHS]
Anyway, just because I didn't say it doesn't mean I don't mean it or feel it.
Dad, Dad, that's exactly what we were saying.
Absolutely.
Yeah, well, you know, you could…
My dad never said it, but I know he felt it.
I mean, feeling is the same as saying it, isn't it?
Dad, you don't have to say it.
Well, did it ever occur to you that…
Maybe I wanna say it.
You know, your mother used to get all over me about not saying stuff too.
Well, I can't say it if you're looking at me.
Would it help you if we left?
I'm just glad I'm doing you second.
I don't know why it's so hard.
Dad, listen, you know you can say it. I heard you say it to Duke.
Oh, that's different. I said I love "ya."
Ya.
We'd take ya.
Yeah.
No, if I'm gonna do it, I'll do it right.
Frasier…
I love you.
Niles…
I love you.
Thanks, Dad.
I love you too.
And I love you too.
But I hate ice fishing.
Well, it's the last time you'll have to come out and do that.
Oh, in that case, I really love you.
Well, thanks, Niles.
Oh, look at that. That's so cute.
-When you say it to him, he blushes. -Oh…
-I love you. -Oh…
-I love you. I love you. -No, come on. Stop it.
-Come on, give us a kiss. -Oh, stop it.
[OFFICER CLEARS THROAT]
-Excuse me. -Hey, Officer!
Oh, we're saved!
You're gonna have to come off the ice for the night.
Well, we can't. We lost the car keys.
I'll take you to your motel, you can call a locksmith in the morning.
-Oh, thanks, Officer! -Wonderful idea.
-You're quite a sport there. -Yes, yes.
Thank you, we love you!
Ya! We love ya!
We've been drinking a little.
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Oh, my.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged! ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
What is a boy to do?
Thank you!