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[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
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You're on KACL with Dr. Frasier Crane.
We have time for one more call.
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Hello, Gretchen.
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I'm listening.
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Well, you see, Dr. Crane,
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my husband is a fencing instructor,
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and lately he spends all his
time with his wealthy new student.
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He's with her day and night,
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and I'm afraid there's
some bumsen going on.
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Well, is this just an suspicion or…
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-Do you have any evidence?
-No, it's just a feeling.
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Well, you know, in these matters,
there's no simple way to know for sure.
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Yes, there is.
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Well, Gretchen, you're in luck.
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It just so happens we
have in our studio today
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one of the world's five
leading bumsen experts.
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If you want to know if a man is cheating,
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you offer him two choices for dinner,
one that's fattening and one that's light.
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If he picks the calorie packed one,
he doesn't mind turning into a pig,
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which means he's happily
married and you're in the clear.
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You know, Roz, when
I hear advice like that,
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it takes me wish there was a law
against women gathering at a water cooler.
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-Now, Gretchen…
-Does it really work, Roz?
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Oh, trust me.
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I'm going to do it.
Thank you for your help, Roz.
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Oh, and you too, Dr. Crane.
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Don't mention it.
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Well…
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Dr. Crane and friends
will be back tomorrow.
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Thanks for listening, Seattle.
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I know, you hate it when
I butt into your show.
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And yet…
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You'll forgive me when you
find out what I'm doing for you.
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There's this woman
who lives in my building.
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-She's beautiful and funny.
-No, just stop right there, Roz.
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I do not go out on blind dates.
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They're demeaning and
a hideous waste of time.
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No, thank you. No.
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-It's not for you, it's for your father.
-What time should he pick her up?
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Wait a minute. Blind dates are
okay for your father but not for you?
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Yes, that also goes for games
with balls, domestic beer and…
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Giant trucks that roll over smaller ones.
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NILES: "So you want to build
a three-masted schooner."
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"Step 1: Before assembly,
take inventory of all parts."
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We don't need to read all that.
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Yes, we do. It says here, in
bold, "Read all instructions."
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Just pass me the right side of the hull.
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You'll get that piece at Step
16 and not a moment sooner.
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-Can we get started here?
-All right, Dad.
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"So you want to build a
three-masted schooner."
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Give me that! You'll put your eye out.
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Oh! Look at that! What a beautiful ship!
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-I bet you'll have fun building that.
-Not as much fun as reading about it.
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Did I ever mention one of my ancestors
was a mutineer on HMS Bounty?
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MARTIN: No kidding.
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Yeah, well, he made it
safely to Pitcairn Island
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where he was fruitful and multiplied.
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For all I know, there's some girl who
looks exactly like me in the South Seas,
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frolicking in the surf,
brown-skinned and bare breasted.
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So you want to build a
two-masted schooner?
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Schooner? I thought it was a frigate.
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No, no, a frigate has
a fore-and-aft mainsail.
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-No, no. That's a brigantine.
-Well, what's a frigate?
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That's when you just don't give a damn.
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-Hello.
-Hello there.
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FRASIER: Niles, are you
spending the evening with us?
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Yes. My Maris misses me,
but feels family comes first.
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She saw this model and
felt I should share it with Dad.
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-She wanted you out of the house?
-Like a musty smell.
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Dad, I have a proposal for you.
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There's a woman in Roz's building that…
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Would like to go out with you.
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Roz says she's got a
wonderful personality.
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Oh, I guess that means I'm the pretty one.
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-Tell Roz thanks but no thanks.
-You're making a mistake.
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Trying new things is what
keeps us all young and vibrant.
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You're right, Daphne.
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For weeks, Maris floated in
a sensory deprivation tank,
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but now she's taken up fencing
and I've never seen her more vital.
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She stays up late into the
evening, working with her instructor.
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-Maris has a fencing instructor?
-Yes.
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Gunnar was the Bavarian
champion three years running.
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He's Bavarian?
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You're full of questions
I've already answered.
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Am I?
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He doesn't speak English.
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So Maris practices German
while she parries and thrusts.
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Maris is learning German, huh?
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Just when you thought
she couldn't get any cuddlier.
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-Dad, did you take the spanking aft?
-Yeah, I pre-glued it for you.
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Good job!
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Not to worry. This used to
happen to my brothers all the time.
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I can get it off with nail polish remover.
Come with me.
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-So your brothers built models?
-No, I suspect they just sniffed glue.
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-That can cause brain damage.
-Well, then, that confirms it.
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Dad. Dad.
I have to talk to you about Niles.
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I got a call from a German woman
whose husband is a fencing instructor
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that she suspects is having an
affair with his wealthy new client.
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And?
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-Don't you find it incriminating?
-No, it's a coincidence.
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Seattle's a big city.
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I'm sure German fencing
instructors have dozens of students.
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-But are they wealthy students?
-No.
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They're working their way out of
the ghetto with a foil and a dream.
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In the midst of that slag heap of
sarcasm, there may be a kernel of truth.
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Guess I could be letting my
imagination run away with me.
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Just trust me. Forget it.
Help me put this model together.
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Oh, my God. You know what?
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I remember how Niles
used to love these models.
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Remember that Christmas Mom got him
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"The Visible Man and Woman"?
He had to glue the internal organs in.
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I remember you two fighting.
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Niles was getting on my
nerves, so I stole his ovaries.
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There's a conversation I'm
glad I missed the beginning of.
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-FRASIER: Sorry, I'm late, Roz.
-Did you ask your dad about the date?
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-He's not interested.
-Oh, darn it.
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I got her hopes up.
Would you consider going out with her?
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Sorry. I've had my quota of pity dates.
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But this time you wouldn't
be the one being pitied.
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Oh, listen, we have a great
call to start the show off with.
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The guy on line three found
out his girlfriend is his sister.
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-Wow!
-[LAUGHS]
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-Oh, yeah. That German woman called back.
-Gretchen?
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Yeah.
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I want her first.
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What do I say to the
guy dating his sister?
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Tell him to hang on. We've all been there.
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Hello, Seattle.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane on KACL.
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Let's get right to the phones. Roz?
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Gretchen's calling back
about her husband's affair.
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-She thinks she has more evidence.
-Hello, Gretchen. I'm listening.
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Oh, Dr. Crane.
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I took Roz's advice
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and gave my husband
two choices for dinner,
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and he picked the diet plate!
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That is no proof he's having an affair.
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-But Gunnar has a healthy appetite.
-No, no, no. The proof is…
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Phone bills, credit card receipts. Gunnar?
139
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I also found a love letter.
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How long were you going to keep
that secret? Work with me here.
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What does it say?
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[GRETCHEN SPEAKS IN GERMAN]
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I'm sorry. I don't speak German.
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It means "my little liver dumpling."
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-That used to be his pet name for me.
-Well, maybe he's writing to you.
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It can't be me.
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He says he loves her
beautiful, little body,
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as thin as his sword and
her skin as white as bratwurst,
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and that she's his nicht
eine menschliche Frau.
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What is that?
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I don't know if there's an English word.
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The closest translation is…
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Not-quite-human woman.
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Dear God. It is her.
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-What should I do?
-I don't know. I need time to think.
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Let's go to commercial.
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Hello. We're back.
158
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Gretchen, I have considered your problem.
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You must confront your husband
and insist that he end this affair.
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What if he won't?
161
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But he has to!
Innocent people are being hurt.
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Tell him how much he means to you.
Are there children?
163
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-No.
-Damn!
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Still, it must be a clean break.
He must never see this woman again.
165
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We never had these problems back home.
166
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Well, maybe you should return
to the loving bosom of Bavaria.
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How did you know we were from Bavaria?
168
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Well, I'm a master of dialect.
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I noticed there was a glottal quality
to the occlusion of your diphthongs.
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I'm originally from Austria.
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Do you want to split hairs
or get your husband back?
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-It's time for another commercial.
-Another commercial?
173
00:10:05,922 --> 00:10:07,340
Yes, Roz another commercial!
174
00:10:11,470 --> 00:10:14,598
-What is going on?
-Why do you think something's going on?
175
00:10:16,350 --> 00:10:19,979
Well, when the person giving
advice sounds crazier than the caller,
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I think something's going on.
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00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:24,484
Nothing's going on.
178
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You know who the liver
dumpling is, don't you?
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00:10:30,533 --> 00:10:31,742
All right, yes.
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00:10:31,826 --> 00:10:34,626
But it's nobody you know.
Her husband's a friend of mine.
181
00:10:34,913 --> 00:10:38,584
-How can I tell him?
-Don't tell the person being cheated on.
182
00:10:38,668 --> 00:10:42,318
You confront the person who's cheating.
Didn't Harvard teach you anything?
183
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I can't do that.
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It's easy. You tell her you know
she's been mattress surfing.
185
00:10:49,639 --> 00:10:51,389
And if she won't stop, you'll tell.
186
00:10:52,475 --> 00:10:54,935
It's not that easy. You don't know her.
187
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She can't deal with confrontation.
188
00:10:56,981 --> 00:10:59,983
I once questioned the political
correctness of serving veal
189
00:11:00,067 --> 00:11:03,517
and we found her in the garage
with the engine running on a golf cart.
190
00:11:03,822 --> 00:11:06,616
Whoa. It's Maris.
191
00:11:16,962 --> 00:11:18,463
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
192
00:11:18,547 --> 00:11:19,797
Mrs. Crane is in the box?
193
00:11:27,181 --> 00:11:28,182
Maris!
194
00:11:29,310 --> 00:11:30,352
This is Frasier.
195
00:11:30,436 --> 00:11:33,647
I'm tired of waiting for you to
come out of this ridiculous tank.
196
00:11:33,731 --> 00:11:35,692
We've got to talk about Niles.
197
00:11:37,277 --> 00:11:38,627
Will you come out of there?
198
00:11:40,530 --> 00:11:41,866
Look, Maris…
199
00:11:44,118 --> 00:11:45,995
I know you're having an affair.
200
00:11:47,288 --> 00:11:51,168
I care for you both and I want to help
you do what's best for your marriage.
201
00:11:53,545 --> 00:11:54,964
Will you stop this?
202
00:11:56,799 --> 00:11:57,925
Just come…
203
00:11:58,009 --> 00:11:59,176
Come out of this box!
204
00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:01,847
All right, I'm going to open this door.
205
00:12:02,514 --> 00:12:05,364
I'm going to count to three.
I don't care if you're naked.
206
00:12:06,101 --> 00:12:07,401
I'm going to count to ten.
207
00:12:10,315 --> 00:12:12,067
To hell with this! All right!
208
00:12:13,109 --> 00:12:14,111
[GASPS]
209
00:12:23,163 --> 00:12:23,997
Niles…
210
00:12:24,831 --> 00:12:27,167
I'm so sorry. Marta.
211
00:12:27,251 --> 00:12:30,713
-You said Mrs. Crane was in the box!
-Si, Missy Crane.
212
00:12:30,797 --> 00:12:32,632
No, that's Mr. Crane!
213
00:12:33,592 --> 00:12:35,636
Marta has trouble with her pronouns.
214
00:12:42,268 --> 00:12:46,147
-I'm worried. He's sensitive.
-You're right, Dad.
215
00:12:46,231 --> 00:12:48,775
Maybe we shouldn't let
on how worried we are.
216
00:12:48,859 --> 00:12:50,444
It will add to his anxiety.
217
00:12:50,528 --> 00:12:53,197
If we coddle him, he'll
think the world's ended.
218
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[DOORBELL RINGS]
219
00:12:58,245 --> 00:12:59,747
-Hello, Niles.
-Hi, son.
220
00:13:04,335 --> 00:13:07,672
-It's okay.
-It's okay, Niles. Come on.
221
00:13:07,756 --> 00:13:08,924
It's all right.
222
00:13:11,552 --> 00:13:14,052
-We're all here for you, son.
-My little brother.
223
00:13:15,974 --> 00:13:19,436
-Frasier, pour him a glass of brandy.
-Yes, yes, yes.
224
00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:23,607
Oh, God. I'm all out of brandy.
I have a marvelous sherry,
225
00:13:23,691 --> 00:13:28,321
some fine ports and a lovely bottle
of 12-year-old unblended scotch.
226
00:13:28,405 --> 00:13:31,158
-It's a bit peaty…
-Just pour him a drink!
227
00:13:33,244 --> 00:13:34,829
-What happened, son?
-[SIGHS]
228
00:13:35,705 --> 00:13:37,414
-Nothing.
-Nothing?
229
00:13:37,498 --> 00:13:41,044
When I left, you were about to storm
up to her room and have it out with her.
230
00:13:41,128 --> 00:13:41,961
NILES: I know.
231
00:13:42,045 --> 00:13:46,801
I thought of questions to fire at her,
but when I reached her door, I froze.
232
00:13:47,469 --> 00:13:50,805
I turned and walked out of the
house, got in the car and started driving.
233
00:13:50,889 --> 00:13:53,267
Well, I'm glad you ended up here.
234
00:13:54,351 --> 00:13:56,701
Actually, I ended up at
the Oregon border check.
235
00:13:59,483 --> 00:14:01,733
I had fruit in the car,
so I had to turn back.
236
00:14:09,660 --> 00:14:11,788
What will I do? She's my whole life.
237
00:14:11,872 --> 00:14:14,040
You know, Maris may have…
238
00:14:14,124 --> 00:14:17,794
Temporarily succumbed to
Gunnar's Teutonic charms, but…
239
00:14:18,838 --> 00:14:23,134
In the end, I'm sure she'll choose
the man who's intelligent and sensitive.
240
00:14:23,801 --> 00:14:24,803
Frasier,
241
00:14:24,887 --> 00:14:27,937
that's just something we used
to tell ourselves in chess club.
242
00:14:33,104 --> 00:14:35,898
The truth is, women
don't want men of intellect.
243
00:14:35,982 --> 00:14:40,320
-They want men of action, like Gunnar.
-It has nothing to do with Gunnar.
244
00:14:40,404 --> 00:14:42,156
It's about you and Maris.
245
00:14:42,782 --> 00:14:45,827
Remember your advice
when I had problems with Lilith?
246
00:14:46,745 --> 00:14:50,457
You said I should talk to her and
find out why she did what she did.
247
00:14:50,541 --> 00:14:53,211
It's one thing to give
advice, another to take it.
248
00:14:54,420 --> 00:14:56,547
Hey, Fras, didn't, uh,
249
00:14:56,631 --> 00:15:01,470
you and Lilith write articles on
the keys to a successful marriage?
250
00:15:01,554 --> 00:15:04,641
-Yes, we did.
-It might help Niles to read them.
251
00:15:05,225 --> 00:15:08,269
Well, all right. I've only got half.
252
00:15:08,353 --> 00:15:10,603
Lilith got the rest in
the divorce settlement.
253
00:15:13,609 --> 00:15:16,822
Now that we got rid of the
foghorn, here's the way to handle it.
254
00:15:17,531 --> 00:15:20,742
Remember this happened
between your mother and I?
255
00:15:20,826 --> 00:15:24,413
-Right.
-Well, I took it up with the other man.
256
00:15:24,497 --> 00:15:27,547
I told him if it ever happened
again, he'd be the other woman.
257
00:15:29,210 --> 00:15:31,880
There was a lot more that we had
to do to keep our marriage together,
258
00:15:31,964 --> 00:15:35,134
but at least that let your mother
know how much I cared for her.
259
00:15:36,678 --> 00:15:40,097
Should I grab Gunnar by the
scruff of the neck and throw him out?
260
00:15:40,181 --> 00:15:42,601
-Why not?
-I've been fantasizing about it.
261
00:15:43,644 --> 00:15:45,103
It's just not me though.
262
00:15:45,187 --> 00:15:46,772
Although maybe it should be me.
263
00:15:47,481 --> 00:15:50,861
No, I've got to speak to Maris eventually.
Although…
264
00:15:51,862 --> 00:15:54,531
If I do it your way, I'm going
at it from a position of strength.
265
00:15:54,615 --> 00:15:56,284
-Yeah.
-I'll do it, Dad.
266
00:15:57,035 --> 00:16:00,412
Tonight it's Gunnar who
will be taught a lesson.
267
00:16:00,496 --> 00:16:02,624
That's my boy! Sure you're up to it?
268
00:16:02,708 --> 00:16:03,709
Yes, I am!
269
00:16:04,835 --> 00:16:08,923
I'm pumped, I'm psyched, and I just
swallowed an entire twist of lemon.
270
00:16:11,134 --> 00:16:14,303
-Did I just hear Niles leave?
-He went to straighten out Gunnar.
271
00:16:14,387 --> 00:16:19,393
God, Dad, how could you let him go?
What if Gunnar wants to fight?
272
00:16:19,477 --> 00:16:23,022
It's still better this way.
He's found his manhood.
273
00:16:23,106 --> 00:16:26,777
I'll be happy if he traded in
some teeth for his cojones.
274
00:16:31,449 --> 00:16:34,369
I've got to stop walking in on
the middle of conversations.
275
00:16:44,089 --> 00:16:45,090
There you are.
276
00:16:45,632 --> 00:16:47,801
Yes, I'm talking to you, strudel boy!
277
00:16:50,054 --> 00:16:52,139
No one gets away with seducing my wife.
278
00:16:53,307 --> 00:16:56,144
You probably thought
because of my swimmer's build,
279
00:16:56,228 --> 00:16:57,979
I wouldn't fight for her.
280
00:16:58,063 --> 00:17:01,567
But you're wrong because real
men have a thing called honor.
281
00:17:02,402 --> 00:17:03,569
Yow!
282
00:17:05,571 --> 00:17:07,532
-You wouldn't know about that.
-Niles.
283
00:17:07,616 --> 00:17:11,286
You don't know how to behave.
You don't know the meaning of rectitude.
284
00:17:11,370 --> 00:17:15,834
Niles, he doesn't know the meaning of dog.
He doesn't speak English!
285
00:17:16,710 --> 00:17:19,713
[BOTH SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
286
00:17:20,798 --> 00:17:21,799
Marta?
287
00:17:23,509 --> 00:17:24,593
You speak German?
288
00:17:25,219 --> 00:17:26,220
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
289
00:17:30,809 --> 00:17:33,103
[BOTH SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
290
00:17:38,443 --> 00:17:41,443
She worked for a German family
that turned up in Guatemala…
291
00:17:41,864 --> 00:17:43,157
Just after the war.
292
00:17:47,954 --> 00:17:49,747
Well, good. She can translate for me.
293
00:17:49,831 --> 00:17:52,166
-Tell her to tell him…
-Niles, just wait!
294
00:17:52,250 --> 00:17:54,336
-What?
-Look at him.
295
00:17:54,420 --> 00:17:56,254
If he knew you were
calling him strudel boy,
296
00:17:56,338 --> 00:17:57,506
he'd wipe his feet on your face.
297
00:17:57,590 --> 00:18:00,677
If there are scuffs,
they'll be scuffs of honor.
298
00:18:00,761 --> 00:18:03,889
How dare you steal my wife! Translate.
299
00:18:04,681 --> 00:18:05,682
All right.
300
00:18:06,559 --> 00:18:08,394
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
301
00:18:16,028 --> 00:18:18,614
[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
302
00:18:22,744 --> 00:18:24,954
All right, fine, you want to challenge me?
303
00:18:26,290 --> 00:18:27,332
En garde!
304
00:18:27,416 --> 00:18:30,169
That's just what we
need, a fourth language!
305
00:18:33,423 --> 00:18:36,426
-Niles, you can't possibly fight this man.
-You forget.
306
00:18:36,510 --> 00:18:40,013
-I've been fencing since prep school.
-So what?
307
00:18:40,097 --> 00:18:43,976
He was born with a sword in his hand.
He probably performed his own Caesarean.
308
00:18:48,106 --> 00:18:49,806
Oh, my God. He's going to kill me.
309
00:18:53,154 --> 00:18:54,239
Fahrvergnügen!
310
00:19:08,463 --> 00:19:12,051
-[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
-Oh, very nice, very nice. Thank you.
311
00:19:40,709 --> 00:19:42,377
-[PIANO KEYS THUD]
-Ha-ha-ha!
312
00:20:03,693 --> 00:20:04,820
Niles!
313
00:20:06,488 --> 00:20:08,616
Niles, hang on! Are you all right?
314
00:20:09,408 --> 00:20:10,619
[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
315
00:20:13,413 --> 00:20:14,581
Is he giving up?
316
00:20:15,332 --> 00:20:17,584
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
317
00:20:17,668 --> 00:20:21,422
He wants you to apologize.
He didn't steal… your shoes.
318
00:20:30,266 --> 00:20:32,644
-My shoes?
-Yes, I'm sorry.
319
00:20:34,437 --> 00:20:35,837
Apparently, I mistranslated.
320
00:20:37,775 --> 00:20:38,942
He didn't mean…
321
00:20:39,026 --> 00:20:41,611
Not shoes, wife. Uh…
322
00:20:41,695 --> 00:20:43,365
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
323
00:20:45,367 --> 00:20:47,202
[BOTH SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
324
00:21:00,384 --> 00:21:03,220
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
325
00:21:03,304 --> 00:21:06,265
He couldn't help it.
Maris is irresistible. Irresistible?
326
00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:10,312
[BOTH SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
327
00:21:10,396 --> 00:21:11,397
-Si.
-Okay.
328
00:21:16,319 --> 00:21:17,403
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
329
00:21:17,487 --> 00:21:19,572
-Oh, but she refused him.
-Really?
330
00:21:19,656 --> 00:21:21,706
-[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
-[SPEAKS IN GERMAN]
331
00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:29,208
What did Maris say?
332
00:21:29,292 --> 00:21:32,254
-[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
-[SPEAKS IN GERMAN]
333
00:21:33,672 --> 00:21:36,759
-[SPEAKS IN GERMAN]
-[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
334
00:21:36,843 --> 00:21:38,803
-"I love Niles."
-She loves me.
335
00:21:40,138 --> 00:21:42,725
Oh, she loves me. My marriage is whole.
336
00:21:45,352 --> 00:21:47,502
In five seconds, tell him he's fired.
Maris!
337
00:21:49,774 --> 00:21:52,860
If only I could help Gunnar and Gretchen.
338
00:21:52,944 --> 00:21:55,072
-Gretchen?
-FRASIER: Ja, ja.
339
00:21:55,156 --> 00:21:57,407
Tell him his wife loves him very much.
340
00:21:57,491 --> 00:21:59,493
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
341
00:22:02,372 --> 00:22:04,124
[SPEAKS IN GERMAN]
342
00:22:06,084 --> 00:22:09,004
-[SPEAKS IN GERMAN]
-No, no, not me, you! You!
343
00:22:09,088 --> 00:22:13,259
Marta, damn your pronoun problems!
All right, you hapless wretch!
344
00:22:16,513 --> 00:22:17,597
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
345
00:22:17,681 --> 00:22:19,641
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
346
00:22:19,725 --> 00:22:22,437
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
347
00:22:23,354 --> 00:22:24,563
Oh, my.
348
00:22:24,647 --> 00:22:26,857
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
349
00:22:26,941 --> 00:22:29,611
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged! ♪
350
00:22:29,695 --> 00:22:31,863
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
351
00:22:31,947 --> 00:22:33,818
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
352
00:22:33,902 --> 00:22:36,828
♪ With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
353
00:22:37,871 --> 00:22:40,081
♪ They're calling again ♪
354
00:22:40,165 --> 00:22:42,877
Frasier has left the building.