[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
-Hello, Frasier. -Hello, Niles.
Double latte. Full fat. Chocolate shavings.
Ah. The self-pity special.
I've had a hellish week.
To top it all off, Old Reggie Belknap,
the president of our wine club, kicked the bucket.
The man's body was not even properly chilled
before the club jackals began angling to succeed him.
You've never seen such vicious, cutthroat conniving.
-Who's winning? -Well, Maris, of course, but just barely.
Mathew Pym tried to stage a coup.
Fortunately, Maris has photos she took at his wedding,
photos that clearly show the label on the champagne he served.
Domestic?
Oh, ho-ho-ho, not just domestic, from Connecticut.
Oh, dear, don't turn around. It's that dreadful woman who works for you.
-Who? -[STAMMERS]
-Lady Macbeth without the sincerity. -Oh! Oh, Bebe's here. Oh, yes.
Now, listen, Niles.
I care for her just as little as you do, but she is a terrific agent,
which is why I overlook that she's pushy and obnoxious
and most appalling phony I've ever known.
Bebe, darling, how are you?
My poor wounded baby!
I just heard what those misers you work for are trying to do to you.
Well, don't you worry, they're not gonna get away with it!
Well, you must have heard wrong, Bebe.
They've extended my contract for another year with an 8% raise.
Eight percent? That would insult even a waiter.
Double cappuccino. Move it!
Well, Bebe, that is what my contract calls for.
A slave contract you negotiated two years ago
before you even had an agent. They took advantage of your inexperience.
-I thought it was a very generous offer. -Oh, please.
Do you have any idea how hot you are?
I get offers every day from other stations offering the moon for you.
-Good Lord, am I really that hot? -Are you kidding? If I were a pot roast,
I'd be done.
Hello, I'm Niles, a person at the table.
[SIGHS] Niles, thank God you're here!
Back me up. Give him some sound brotherly advice.
She's the devil, Frasier. Run fast, run far.
Listen, Bebe, I realize that the…
The station is making a handsome profit on my show, but what can I do?
-I do have a contract. -No, darling, what you have is a fever.
What?
Ooh, you're like a furnace!
Well, you know, I think I see where you're going with this, Bebe,
-and I'm not sure how I feel about it. -How do you feel about being
one of the lowest paid personalities at the station?
-Who makes more? -Who doesn't?
Nannette from Pet Chat, "The Happy Chef…"
Oh, for heaven's sakes, Father Mike could buy and sell you.
Father Mike! He took a vow of poverty.
Well, now he's taking a cruise.
Oh! That big strapping chest of yours is all congested.
You just say the word
and I'll tell the station you have some coughing up to do.
And so do they.
Bebe, this fever of mine…
How much higher do you think it might go?
I'm guessing 30 to 40% above where it is now.
Forty percent?
Well, what else can I say but, uh…
Achoo.
MAN [ON TV]: You wanted me to make you pregnant.
WOMAN [ON TV]: I was in a coma.
My God, in one scene they've got Sky, Zena and Slate.
I don't think someone called Frasier should be pointing any fingers.
Is this the way you spend your days when I'm not at home?
Not quite. When you're not home, I can bloody well hear what they're saying.
You wouldn't wanna miss a line of this dialogue.
"Oh, Zirconia, can't you see Stone doesn't love you? He loves Placenta."
My favorite are the villains.
They have one guy on here who kicked his grandmother down the stairs,
embezzled money from a children's hospital, and poisoned a puppy.
Give him credit, though. He did show up for work every day.
Oh, dear, Dad, if you're going to be so devilishly subtle,
how will I ever get your point?
All right. Well, call me old-fashioned.
I think when you sign a contract, you stick to it.
A man's only as good as his word.
Yes, well, my words have doubled the station's ad revenues.
All they show me for thanks is a measly 8% raise.
Oh, so what? In 30 years on the police force,
you think I ever went to the sergeant and said:
"I'm shooting way more bad guys than I thought I would. How about a bonus?"
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Dad, you don't understand. This is show business.
-I'll get it. -Thank you, Daphne.
See, we do things differently. Negotiations are like a dance.
They expect me to fight my contract. They know I'm not sick.
I know they know I'm not sick. They know I know they know I'm not sick.
It's all part of the negotiations mambo.
-Oh, hi, Roz. -Hi, Daphne.
-MARTIN: Hi, Roz. -Hey, Martin.
Roz, how goes things at the front?
Well, for starters, they painted over your name on your parking space.
-Perfect. -What?
Well, Bebe told me they might do that. It's part of a negotiation tactic.
It's shows that they're getting nervous.
Well, they must be really jittery then
because they took your picture out of the lobby.
Roz, Roz, they're just trying to scare me.
And he knows they're trying to scare him,
and they know that he knows they're trying to scare him.
-And he knows… -Thank you, Dad!
They're just bluffing. It's like a card game.
Like a card game. It's like a dance.
The whole thing sounds like a weekend in Vegas.
You know, I would've thought they'd play games too, Frasier,
but they started auditioning people to replace you.
-They're interviewing people? -All day.
And they're really hot on this woman who has some gardening show.
She calls herself "Ma Nature."
I can't work for her, Frasier. You should see her nails.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Well, there's no need to panic, Roz. I'm sure it's all part of the dance.
Hi, Dr. Crane. The station sent me over with your stuff. Sorry.
My God, they've cleaned out my cubicle? Listen, Mike, you're up on all the gossip.
-I mean, they're just bluffing, right? -I hope not. My audition went really well.
Nurse Bebe reporting for duty. Blossoms for my little shut-in.
Put these in something.
Bebe, have you heard what's going on?
They cleaned out my cubicle. They're auditioning other people.
Marvelous! They're resorting to cheap scare tactics.
Looks like I was right to bring this along. Chill that.
Darling, you're looking a little pale.
Don't tell me these amateur theatrics are actually worrying you.
Well, no, no, but, uh…
The stress of not worrying is starting to get to me. I…
I don't know if I can take much more of this.
Oh, darling, if that's the way you feel, then fine.
-Let's get this over with. -[ROZ, FRASIER SIGH]
Oh, Frasier, it's for the best, really. Trust me on this one.
Tom Duran, please. Bebe Glazer calling.
Tom, Bebe's bored.
You've huffed and you've puffed, but our house is still standing.
We're giving you a midnight deadline.
Either call us here at Frasier's and tell us you'll renegotiate or we'll walk!
Love ya.
There, that should make them sweat, don't ya think?
It might.
It's all over but the waiting. Canasta anyone?
Shuffle these.
Eleven forty-five.
Oh, God. It's over!
They've made the decision. It's over.
Well…
It was a fun run while it lasted, eh, Seattle?
This is Dr. Frasier Crane…
And I was listening.
Here we are, one cup of tea, half Darjeeling,
half chamomile, skim milk, a packet of sweetener…
Oh, and I thought you might enjoy a nice fat-free tea biscuit.
-Will there be anything else? -No, you run along. I'm fine.
You're sure now?
'Cause I could wait until you finish the biscuit and floss your teeth for you.
You are a cheeky, little monkey, aren't you?
This cookie tastes like meat.
Yes, and it'll remove tartar and give you a nice shiny coat.
-Well, I think I'm gonna hit the hay too. -That's awfully risky of you, isn't it?
Leaving us kids out here unchaperoned.
Better him than me.
Why are you so tense? This is the best part.
-What could be more fun than this? -Oh, watching a loved one be autopsied?
Think of them, sweating in their offices,
chain smoking, biting their nails,
their ulcers churning out enough acid to burn a hole in a ship's hull.
Oh, God!
And to think I nearly went into nursing.
Oh, you're right, Bebe, you're right.
Oh, God, if they're foolish enough to let me go, then fine.
There are other stations that would love to have Frasier Crane on board.
-Exactly. -Yes.
But, you know,
I think it's time that we discussed those other offers,
consider what our fallback position should be.
Ooh, someone's out of Scotch!
Bebe, tell me there are other offers.
Scads.
Now you look me in the eye and tell me the truth.
There are no other offers. Straight up or on the rocks?
My God!
Darling, you can't make a deal without bluffing a little.
You're supposed to bluff them, not me!
-My God, woman, are you trying to ruin me? -You are such a worrywart.
Oh, don't you patronize me, you sweet-talking succubus!
You get on the phone and call them!
Oh, my God! Hands of Hercules!
What must your legs be like?
[PHONE RINGING]
-Answer it. -Not yet.
Where are we?
Have we gone out?
-Is it too late? -Answer it!
Crane residence. Bebe Glazer speaking.
It's them.
I see.
Fine.
Well?
Renegotiations tomorrow, starting from scratch.
Oh! Oh, thank God.
Oh, my God, I'm so pleased.
-Thank you, Bebe. -Maybe next time you'll trust little Bebe.
Yes, oh, I'm so sorry. You're right, I underestimated you.
I'm sorry for that horrible outburst and for grabbing you the way I did.
Don't be.
I was impressed.
It was manly in a…
Hysterical sort of way.
Cheers.
Champagne on top of Scotch? Well…
Oh, what the hell.
To a beautiful partnership.
No, no.
To a remarkable agent.
What Bebe wants, Bebe gets. When will I ever learn that?
Soon enough, dear.
Soon enough.
Sorry, Eddie, he's still alive.
You're not gonna get your own room after all.
-Oh, God… -How you feeling?
How do I look?
Last time I saw a guy who looked like you,
he'd been in the trunk of a car at the airport for a month.
DAPHNE: Good morning!
My goodness. Christened a few ships last night, I see.
The station agreed to renegotiate.
Oh, all right.
Yes, they called around…
Five to midnight and…
Bebe and I…
Had some champagne to celebrate and then…
And then…
Oh, God.
-Morning, Doctor. -[GASPS]
Somebody hold me.
I hope you don't mind, but I didn't see a robe,
and your shirt looked so nice and big and warm…
Just like you.
Well, I think I'll go in the other room and eat my breakfast.
While I still can.
I better go cook for him. I know how the Crane men like their legs. Eggs.
I think they were a little shocked.
-Well, I'm a little surprised myself. -Oh…
Let's not kid ourselves. We both knew this would happen someday.
-We did? -The signs were all there.
The glances, the furtive smiles…
You know what would really hit the spot right now?
My God, you're a machine!
Coffee. I meant, coffee.
-[DOORBELL RINGS] -I'll get it.
Oh, no, no, no, that's not necessary. You…
Good morning, Niles. What a lovely surprise.
We were just about to sit down to a big family breakfast.
Won't you join us?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Come on in, Niles. It's all right.
We were celebrating.
You see, the station called to renegotiate my contract.
Ah.
Paid your commission up front, I see.
It's getting late. I better go freshen up. Save me a muffin, muffin.
Oh, all right, just go ahead. Get your shots in.
No, no, I'm just glad you're all right.
I would have assumed she killed after mating.
Is she gone?
No, Dad, she's changing.
-Oh, my God, how did this happen? -You're asking us?
I've gotta talk with her. I've gotta tell her this was just a mistake.
Well, you better be careful how you let her down.
She's liable to go nuts.
Like in that movie, then sneak in here and try to boil Eddie.
Oh, well, look, we'll clear out of here and give you a little privacy.
No, Dad, I can't tell her right now.
She's about to go down there and renegotiate my contract.
-I'll tell her later. -Oh, that's a good idea.
Wait till she makes you a bunch of money,
then on top of breaking her heart, you can make her feel really used.
Sounds like a plan to me.
BEBE: Darling!
We'll leave you to your happy task.
Cancel that muffin. Bebe just started a diet. Wink.
Besides, tonight we're dining at Bernardi's.
It's sinfully expensive, but I think after contract talks, we can afford it.
-Uh, Bebe… -Yes?
Bebe, uh…
I don't think there are any words to describe what we shared last night.
It was like…
Greco-Roman wrestling on a trampoline.
You see, I…
As magical as it was…
I don't think it's the kind of thing that we should
-let happen again. -Oh?
Well, you see, I value you too much as a colleague
to do anything that might jeopardize that relationship.
I see.
Oh, you're upset.
No, I'm sure we both would've realized it was a mistake sooner or later.
Personally, I was hoping for later, but I suppose sooner's best.
-It is. It really is. -I'd better dash.
I'll call you after the meeting.
Oh, like you never crawled under the wrong fence once in your life.
NILES: Disaster again.
Maris' little wine club had an outing to the local vineyard.
As the new president, she had the honor of being first into the stomping vat.
You can imagine her humiliation as she danced herself into a barefoot fury
and was unable to break even a single grape.
Frasier, have you heard a word I've said?
Of course not, Niles. I'm… still worried about Bebe.
I thought you said she took it well.
Well, she did, but you know how it is with strong women.
Sometimes their strength masks their vulnerability.
Well, let's face it.
Once a woman has dipped her toe into Crane Lake…
…dry land is never the same again.
Yes, she's probably home in her room writing "Mrs. Bebe Crane"
over and over in the margin of her algebra book.
You can make light of this if you want to,
but it is entirely possible that I broke that woman's heart.
-Whose? Whose heart did you break? -No one's. Niles, be quiet!
Oh, come on, Frasier. I'm gonna figure it out sooner or later.
Give me a clue. Just one. That's all I need.
Doc, Doc, come quick! Bebe's out on the ledge of our building!
-She's threatening to jump! -Oh, my God! This is all my fault!
Wait! Just give me a hint!
-Bebe, please. -BEBE: Get away from me!
Excuse me, excuse me. What happened?
I don't know.
We were working out your deal. She just burst into tears.
I went out to get some water for her, and when I came back,
she's standing out there, sobbing that she doesn't wanna live.
Bebe, it's Frasier.
-Please come in. -It's no good! My life is over!
You gotta save her, Doc.
My contract's up in six weeks. She's my agent too.
-All right, I'm going out there. -ROZ: Are you nuts?
It's nine stories down. You know what a drop like that would do to you?
No, Roz, why don't you toss a pumpkin out the window so I have a clearer image?
-Why don't you just wait for the police? -No, no.
No, that woman out there needs me.
Bebe, I'm coming out!
-Don't come any closer! I'll jump! -Bebe, please.
No, you can't help me. No one can help me!
Look, I'm not worth doing this over. I…
Look, there'll be other men. It may take time, but you'll get over me.
Well, somebody certainly thinks well of himself.
-What? -Darling, this isn't about us.
It's just a little bargaining tactic.
I threaten to jump, you talk me down, major coverage.
Bang, your price goes up 20%. My life is meaningless!
-Talk to me, darling, talk to me. -You are out of your mind!
You're coming in right now!
Get away from me! You can't talk me out of this!
At least not until Channel Five gets here.
Now, come on, dear, make like a therapist.
God, you are out of your mind. You need help.
-You should be in therapy. -That's good but louder.
Give me one reason to live. Just one!
There are…
Hundreds of reasons.
Work, art, the people who care about you. Now come in, you crazy bitch!
[HELICOPTER WHIRRING]
Channel Five, come to mama!
Full coverage. Here's the plan.
I swoon forward, and you reach out and catch me.
-What? -On three.
-One, two… -No!
Three!
Film at 11.
Oh, God… Oh, God… Please, just get in.
-ROZ: Oh, Bebe, are you all right? -Yes.
I'm fine now.
Bulldog, get her some water. Wanna sit down?
Thank you, Frasier.
You saved my life!
That was incredible, Frasier.
Look, uh…
I know we've got some unfinished business, but rest assured, after this,
there's no way we're gonna let you get away.
Well, uh, thank you, Tom.
If I could just have a moment alone with Bebe.
ROZ: Sure.
-All right. -We'll just wait.
What kind of a woman are you?
You seduced me, you lied to me, you nearly got me killed.
You've shamelessly manipulated not only me
but this station, the news media and the entire city of Seattle.
What do you have to say for yourself?
Aren't you glad I'm on your side?
Yes, I suppose I am.
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Quite stylish.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged! ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Good night, Seattle, we love you!