[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
And so, in the opinion of this critic, Mickey's Good Time Tavern is anything but.
Dismal decor, perfunctory service,
and cuisine that's only marginally preferable to hunger.
And finally, on a sadder note,
after 53 years in the same location,
Orsini's is closing its doors.
And so tonight a sad adieu to the grande dame of Seattle restaurants.
I thought he was the grande dame of Seattle restaurants.
Until next time, this is Gil Chesterton saying
bon appétit, Buon appetito, and nifty noshing.
-Gil, why is Orsini's closing? -The owner's getting old.
He wants to sell. And just between us,
I'm afraid Orsini's is a bit like wine that's stayed too long in the cellar.
It retains only memories of its former glory.
-Not comping your check anymore? -GIL: Not for months now.
You know,
Orsini's used to be my favorite restaurant.
-You ever been there, Roz? -Are you kidding?
My typical date's idea of a gourmet evening is takeout,
make out, and home by Letterman.
-Knock, knock. -Hello, Niles.
This is not a good time for a visit. Show starts in two minutes.
Just enough time to show you the John Steinbeck first edition
I bought at the rare-book fair.
Saint Katy the Virgin in like-new condition.
Yes, well, she'd have to be, wouldn't she?
It's quite a charming book. It's a shame more people haven't read it.
-Ooh, let's see. -Don't touch.
The smallest smudge decreases its value.
Oh, Niles, guess what thriving Seattle night spot is closing its doors.
Roz, you're moving.
No, Niles, Orsini's is closing.
Oh, it can't be.
-It's part of Crane history. -I know.
Grandfather took me there for my 8th birthday.
-Thank you, Roz. -Childhood memories are so vivid.
Wearing paper hats, singing "Happy Birthday,"
sending back the veal Prince Orloff.
-Thirty seconds, Frasier. -Oh, thank you, Roz.
Niles, tonight let's go to Orsini's for one glorious farewell dinner.
Why not?
I'll make the reservations.
-We'll take Dad and Daphne. -FRASIER: Great.
-Will Maris be joining us? -Ooh, sadly, no.
She had a bad experience there one Christmas Eve.
An Italian soccer team was at the next table.
Maris announced she was in the mood for a goose,
and perhaps inevitably, tragedy ensued.
Oh, dear God.
-What has happened to this place? -I know.
It's like running into a movie star you worshiped as a child,
only time has left her hair brittle,
her eyes sunken and dull,
her skin waxy and sallow.
Well, I got quite an appetite. How about you, Daph?
-Yes, sir. Do you have a reservation? -Yes, the name is Crane. For four.
Ah, Table 9 seems to be free.
Right this way, sir.
-Your waiter will be with you in a moment. -Thank you.
-Oh, here, Daph. -Oh.
-Thank you. -Dad, Frasier.
-Isn't that Otto? -Oh, my God, I believe it is.
You know, Otto is legendary here. He's been with them forever.
He never writes a single thing down. He keeps it all in his head.
-Otto! -Oh…
Coming up.
Your check, sir.
FRASIER: No, no.
Wrong table.
-OTTO: Oh. -We would like menus, please.
Sorry. I hate it when we get crowded.
I'm going to the john. Order me a beer.
Oh, gee, Dad, for a moment there I thought you were gonna surprise me
and order a glass of wine.
Oh, yeah, for a moment I thought you were gonna surprise me and button your yap.
I'd order him the crab cocktail,
but I'm afraid the irony would be lost on him.
The owner's going to have his hands full trying to find a buyer for this place.
Yes, alas, I'm afraid we've found one old relic
whose time has come to be put out of his misery.
Oh, no, Otto, I didn't mean you.
Your menus, sir.
-Thank you. -DAPHNE: Oh, thank you.
-Lovely. -Thank you.
It's all right. He's in the men's room.
No, no, Otto.
Leave it here.
Why are Americans always in such an almighty rush to tear things down?
At home we treasure our antiquities.
But you people just can't wait to bring in the bulldozers.
I'm inclined to agree with Daphne.
I'll try to contain my amazement.
It would be a crime to lose a landmark like this.
I mean, look at it. It's well built, good structure.
It does have good bones. It's in a very good location.
Excellent location. If they only had valet parking…
If they just took down those awful curtains.
And knocked out these pillars…
You know…
I've always dreamed of owning a four-star restaurant.
What growing boy hasn't?
We'd need a new chef.
I happen to know the chef at Emilio's is very unhappy.
Everyone knows that. The man's scungilli is a cry for help.
Frasier, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
I'm picking out china and sandblasting the wine cave.
Owning a restaurant is hard work.
If you don't scald yourself or lop off a finger with a cleaver,
you spend your whole time gagging at grease fires, killing rats,
and brawling with labor racketeers.
Me auntie had a little tearoom.
Don't tell me you two are seriously considering
doing a dumb-ass, idiotic thing like buying this place.
With all due respect, Dad,
we are not exactly neophytes in this field.
We know food. We know wine.
Lord knows, we have style, taste and refinement.
That's what always gets you guys in trouble.
You don't think about the hard work and the long hours.
No, to you, owning a restaurant is just wearing fancy clothes,
hobnobbing with your friends, and turning your enemies away at the door.
I hadn't even thought about that!
When I was a cop walking the beat, there was this restaurant on the corner.
In ten years it must have changed hands 20 times.
First it was Ling Fung's Lychee Palace. Then it was Tony's Meatball Hutch.
Then it was A Little Taste of Yorkshire. English food.
Huh, big surprise, that lasted about five minutes.
Frasier, Dad has a point.
A lot of people have lost a lot of money in this business for one reason:
They picked the wrong name.
True, Niles, but I've got something very special.
I was thinking about this while Dad was talking.
Maison Crane.
Oh, you're right. It's a little too obvious.
We want our name to be inviting and welcoming.
FRASIER: Mm-hmm.
Oh, what's the word for "lighthearted" in French?
There isn't one.
I've got it. Niles, I've got it.
Les Frères Heureux.
-The Happy Brothers. -Hmm?
Brilliant.
It's homey but just hard enough to pronounce to intimidate the riffraff.
FRASIER: Yes!
Ooh. We'll make the place very, very exclusive.
No sign on the outside. No advertisements.
Ooh, and an unlisted phone number.
MARTIN: Don't stop there.
Maybe you could post some guards on the roof
who can shoot people as they try to get in.
Never mind. I believe, Niles.
-Do you believe? -I believe.
OTTO: Have you decided what you'd like?
Yes, I'd like the whole damn place, right from the wine cellar to the rafters.
And for the lady?
[LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON PIANO]
[DINERS CHATTERING]
NILES: We're a hit, a palpable hit.
Every table in the place is full.
Except for that tiny one
wedged in that horrible dank little corner next to the men's room.
Oh, no, that is not a dank little corner next to the men's room.
-That is the Enchanted Grotto. -Ah, yes.
I've been getting nothing but compliments.
Chef Maurice has really outdone himself.
-The menu simply cannot be improved upon. -I agree. Mm.
Unless it would be to add a soupçon of brandy to the cherries jubilee.
Mm. Yes, yes, I want those cherries to be jubilant.
Daphne, Dad.
-Everything all right here? -Oh, yes, Dr. Crane.
Whatever this Anguilla is, it's perfectly smashing.
It's our chef's specialty.
The man can do things with eels you just wouldn't believe.
I arrested a guy for that once.
You and your brother really pulled it off, Dr. Crane.
Yes, well,
sorry to disappoint you, Dad, but seems the restaurant is a success.
By tomorrow we'll be the toast of Seattle.
-What's in there? -Anguilla.
Dear God!
It's Maurice's specialité.
He prefers to kill them to order, then serve them with the heads still on.
Oh. Thank God his specialty isn't roast beef.
Are those the soufflés for Table 9, Maurice?
I'm just about to bake them.
I know it's not my place to second-guess your presentation,
but would you be averse to trying something radical?
What?
Well, instead of individual soufflés,
bake one large soufflé and dish the portions out at the table.
When people hear the name Niles Crane, I want them to think big soufflé.
As you wish.
There's a party at the door without a tie or a reservation.
-Leave them to me. -Hey, Niles, baby!
Good evening, Mr. Briscoe. May I help you?
[LAUGHS] Does it look like I need help tonight?
Ah.
Do you have a reservation?
Okay, I know what you're sniffing around for.
These guys are all alike.
Mr. Lincoln wonders if you got a table for the Bulldog and his lady.
Well, Mr. Lincoln's in luck.
Please, seat these people in the Enchanted Grotto.
Niles, the Grotto?
Oh, Bulldog!
Enjoy our finest table.
Hey, you see that?
Little flash of green, you get whatever you want.
But look who I'm telling.
Um, Maurice,
it's not to second-guess your creativity, but, uh…
I thought we agreed that we would serve the soufflé in individual cups.
-But I was asked to change. -Change on opening night?
Oh, good Lord, no, no. Start pouring, man.
Dad, Daphne.
If you're almost finished, I can call for your car.
You know, your parking attendant looked familiar.
It was Otto, the waiter.
Mm.
I didn't have the heart to let him go, so…
-Hello, Otto? -OTTO [OVER RADIO]: Who is this?
Dr. Crane, Otto. Please bring up Car 44, please.
Thank you.
Little innovation of mine.
This way your car will be waiting when you are finished.
Mm.
Maurice, I thought we agreed, one large bowl for the soufflé.
-This is crazy. This is my kitchen! -Well, it's in my restaurant.
So one big bowl, chop-chop.
And, you, you, you, Table 12 is still waiting for their entrée.
Don't force me to send them complimentary zucchini.
-Uh, that's the in door, sir. -Good Lord, I wonder what I hit.
-What happened? -Good Lord.
This man must have fainted. Here, help me get him into the kitchen.
-MAN: Oh! -That's the out door.
Well, no harm done.
Good Lord, I think his nose is broken.
What shall we do?
For one thing, start ladling out zucchini.
That one's out cold.
Give me a hand. I'll take them both to the emergency room.
Yes, that's a good idea. Please help this man.
Frasier, true to our name, I'm trying to remain a happy brother,
but do you find it the tiniest bit discouraging
that we find ourselves with neither waiters nor a bartender?
First rule of the kitchen, Niles:
Remain calm.
No! No! No! I told you individual cups, you oaf!
I told him one large bowl.
Are you out of your mind?
Oh, Niles, why don't you serve it in a baseball glove, for God's sake?
Are you insane? I've never heard such a ridiculous idea.
How gauche! I had no idea…
Maurice! Maurice, no, wait!
-You didn't let me finish. I… -Maurice!
-It was an oversight on my part. -Oh, fine. Now what?
Simple. We just make a battlefield promotion.
Congratulations. You are our new head chef.
Oh, thank you.
Now make us proud. Got a very important clientele out there.
At the governor's table alone, we have two state senators
and the head of the immigration Bureau.
[GASPS] Sacrebleu!
Any other names you'd like to drop?
Fine, now we have no chef.
No.
No. Put the hat down.
-No. No. -You are our new head chef.
Don't be absurd. I can't possibly cook those…
Oh, of course you can, Niles. My God, most of the meals are already started.
Oh, Dad and Daphne can help us out.
-Otto, cancel Car Number 44. -OTTO: Who is this?
It's Dr. Crane. It's always Dr. Crane. I'm the only one on here!
Dad, Daphne.
I need your help. We've had a little disaster.
-Disaster? -Will you…
The entire staff has walked out. It's a long story.
Daphne, I need you in the kitchen. I need you behind the bar.
-You can gloat later. -I'll pencil it in.
Well, it won't be the first time I've had to wash dishes for me supper.
But who's going to wait on all these tables?
Oh, Frasier?
Roz! Roz, Roz! Oh, oh, Roz. [LAUGHS]
I'm glad to see you too. Frasier, this is my date, Brad.
-Pleasure. -Pretty great, huh?
-Oh, yes. -So have you got our special table?
Yes, I certainly have. But before you sit at it,
there's something I want to discuss with you.
-It's probably some kind of surprise. -Oh, try to fool you.
What's your poison?
Oh, I don't know. Maybe I should wait for Roz.
I'd have one now.
Blackmailer!
Honey, listen, I'm really, really sorry, but Frasier's a dear friend,
and his waiters have had a terrible accident,
and this is his grand opening,
and he really, really needs my help, so I hope you'll try to understand.
No problem.
Listen, could I get a menu and maybe some bread and butter?
FRASIER: Dad.
Hey, buddy, you from around here? How about those SuperSonics?
Listen, Niles is starting to panic in the kitchen.
I don't know if we're gonna be able to pull this off.
Why don't you just level with them? Tell them what happened.
People are more understanding than you think.
Well, maybe you're right. Maybe honesty is the best policy.
Everyone, uh…
Excuse me, uh…
Ladies and gentlemen,
I would just like to say…
Good evening, Frasier.
…bon appétit!
Gil, Gil, my God, what a surprise to see you.
I thought you never reviewed opening night.
-You're my friend. I made an exception. -Ah.
As a special surprise, I brought an entire table of restaurant critics.
FRASIER: Oh. Well, oh. [LAUGHS] Oh.
But we're so booked up, I don't know if I can accommodate you.
Oh, we'll take that one over there. We don't mind squeezing in.
We're simply salivating to try the Anguilla.
We hear your chef is an absolute wizard with eels.
Eels?
Well, that was his old specialty.
But you really must try his new specialty…
Scrambled eggs.
Eels it is.
Okay, Table 4 wants to make some changes.
They want the sole veronique but without the grapes,
spinach instead of broccoli, and risotto instead of pasta.
They want the swordfish but hold the capers…
Oh, for heaven sakes, can't you just tell them no substitutions?
I have trouble saying no.
So the guidebooks tell us.
You wanna get thrown in the tank with the rest of the eels?
Well, you're not making this very easy.
You waltz in here, queen of the waitresses, la-di-da.
Extra broccoli, hold the capers.
And then you go back out on the fun side of the door.
You wanna trade places with me, Mary Poppins? Be my guest.
How dare you use that tone with her?
[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
All right, stop it!
Get a grip.
You're not being asked to do anything that none of us hasn't done before
in our own kitchens in our own home. Now, quick, Niles, kill five eels.
NILES: Wait, wait!
-What? -FRASIER: I'm serious.
Every restaurant critic in Seattle is out there, and they all want Anguilla.
Start killing eels!
But, wait, how do you suggest I do that?
How do I know? You're the chef.
Throw a toaster in the damn tank for all I care.
Oh, Gil,
the eels are on their way.
Our mouths are watering, Frasier.
Our chef is in the process of…
[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]
…frying them now.
WOMAN: Excuse me.
This is veal piccata. I ordered veal Marsala.
So it is. I'll rectify that at once. Be right back.
Niles, this veal piccata has to be veal Marsala.
The mayor's table all wants cherries jubilee for dessert.
All right, fine. You flame them, I'll be out to serve them.
Niles, how are those eels coming? I'm just trimming them now.
-Oh, no, Niles, take them out of the tank. -Not until I'm sure they're dead.
Oh, for heaven's sakes.
[MUFFLED EXPLOSION]
What was that?
Big blue flash.
Cherries everywhere.
Lucky it didn't set off the sprinkler system.
Yes, fortunately, we have a built-in safety delay for just this sort of thing.
Gives you 15 seconds before the sprinklers…
Kick in.
-Where do I turn that off? -Right over there.
I hope you're satisfied. You've thinned my brown sauce.
Good news! That was just a test.
-I want my car. Now. -Yes, ma'am, right away. Uh…
Oh, boy…
Otto, quick, bring Car 23, and hurry.
-OTTO: Who is this? -It's the voice of God!
Hey, Doc, Doc, great touch with the sprinklers.
My date's dress is clinging to her like Saran Wrap.
Ladies and gentlemen, every restaurant has its little adjustment period.
I'm sure someday you'll look back on this and remember it as an adventure.
And if they don't remember it,
I'll remind them.
For those of you who are leaving,
please keep us in mind for your next special occasion.
We plan many new and exciting innovations in the weeks to come.
[CROWD SCREAMING]
Starting with our…
Our drive-through window.
Number 23 is ready.
How much firepower do you suppose is necessary
to embed a cherry in an acoustic ceiling tile?
Just another question we should have asked ourselves
before we entered the exciting world of food service.
Man, those eels are starting to stink.
Dad, for an hour you've been circling us like a shark.
Why don't you just give us your little speech and get on with it?
Hey, come on, I know you guys.
You're gonna punish yourselves enough without me chiming in.
-Thanks. -Appreciate it.
-Hey, I'm your dad. -[PHONE RINGS]
Hello, Happy Brothers Restaurant.
Table for two? No problem. Smoke-damaged or non-smoke-damaged?
You know, we…
Could tell people he died in the explosion.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Mercy.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
What is a boy to do?
Good night, everybody!