[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780.
Frasier, that was Security. Some woman insisted on seeing you.
She just blew right past them.
Oh, don't panic, Roz. Probably just one of my more ardent fans.
[SCREAMING]
-Niles, we've gotta talk. It's urgent. -Frasier, I'm with a patient.
-I'm sorry. Yes. -Is this about a woman?
Take all the time you need.
-[DOOR CLOSES] -Well…
She's back.
The scourge of my existence.
You usually get some sign when Lilith is in town.
Dogs forming into packs, blood weeping down the walls…
I'm talking about…
Diane Chambers.
Lucille, send Mr. Carr home.
She just showed up at the station today.
Apparently some play she wrote is being produced here in town.
I admit I just sort of panicked when I saw her,
but I think I covered it masterfully.
All right. Well, why do you think you reacted that way?
Oh, spare me the psychiatrist bit, Niles.
That includes putting down the pad.
In the drawer, Niles.
Fine.
My first question to you is this: Are you still in love with her?
No! Not in the least. It's a ridiculous suggestion.
Seeing as how I have nowhere to write the phrase "classic denial," I'll move on.
So about this woman for whom you have so little feeling
that you raced across town and burst into one of my sessions.
-Is there any lingering resentment? -Over what?
Well, she did leave you at the altar.
When you told her how that made you feel, was there anything you left unsaid?
Any phrase or feeling you wish you had expressed to her?
I'm making the assumption here that you did tell her how you felt.
I sort of did.
"Sort of" is another one of those phrases that just wants to go in my pad.
I expressed my distaste for the way I'd been treated, yes.
She rejected you in the most debilitating way a man can be rejected.
You've got to more than "sort of" tell her how that felt.
I just can't tell Diane how awful she made me feel now.
It's a distant memory for her. I'd feel weak.
You have no reason to feel weak. You've moved on in your life too.
You have a new career, new wealth, new success.
You simply need closure in this one area.
What you said made a lot of sense.
-You're going to get closure? -No, that business about my success.
I tuned you out after that.
I'm gonna invite Diane over for dinner tonight.
I'm really gonna flaunt my success, really rub her nose in it.
That ought to prove that I'm not some cast-aside who never got over her.
Niles, I know, it's not psychologically sound.
But we're still human.
We have to do what feels good sometimes, don't we?
I'd like to be on the record as saying I'm against it.
-Fine. -You know the path that leads
to peace with Diane and you're rejecting it.
I'm washing my hands of the entire matter.
Wouldn't miss it for the world, though.
I'll be there at 7 with a cheeky Bordeaux.
No, no, no, Daphne, I was very specific about this.
The mayor's plaque goes on the piano, the Otis Klandenning
Man of the Year Award goes right over here.
And my jewel, my SeaBee, goes right here where she can't miss it.
Hmm. That seems a bit subtle.
Why don't I just use this to serve the olives?
Oh, give me that.
I wish someone would just tell me who this woman is
and why we're trying to impress the pants off her.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
She's a one-time Boston barmaid who had a nervous breakdown
and ended up in a sanatorium where I met her,
fell for her, and then was so mercilessly rejected by her
that, to this day, there is a sucking chest wound…
Where once there dwelled a heart!
Diane!
-Hello, Frasier. -Please.
You remember my brother, Niles, my father, Martin?
And this is his health care worker, Daphne Moon.
-Hello, Diane. -DIANE: How nice to see you.
What a tasteful abode.
Oh, yeah, but it's modest in its way.
Oh, that's what I like about it.
After the rambling beach house I've been living in,
I'm ready for something smart and efficient.
White wine, Diane?
I'm pouring an '85 Le Montrachet Le Guiche I purchased at auction.
Oh, I always keep a bottle of that open myself.
Hang this up.
Well, Martin, it's been too long.
How have you been?
Well, my wife died, I got shot in the hip,
and I had to move in with Frasier because I kept falling down in the shower.
Well, you look wonderful.
Yes, you do.
That's the bad one.
Niles, do you remember the last time I was in town when we dined together?
You had just started dating this woman.
She was the queerest little creature. Thank you.
She ate everyone's sorbet,
and then she had to lie down in the ladies' lounge
while the coat check girl massaged her abdomen. [CACKLES]
Oh, I hope I haven't put my foot in it.
You and she didn't get married and live happily ever after?
No, can't say as we did.
-Care for an olive? -Oh, thank you.
These are a Pyrenean taste treat.
They're hand-picked and bottled by Andalusian monks.
-Mm. -You can spit the pits in here.
So there I was on the balcony of my Malibu beach house
when a pod of whales passed by.
I knew I had to commune with these gentle giants,
so like a flash I was on the beach scrambling to my kayak.
But cruel fortune interceded when not 20 yards offshore,
I suddenly discovered myself entangled in an enormous bed of, um…
-Sea kelp. -Exactly right. Sea kelp.
Oh, that's funny. I thought he said "seek help."
So you haven't told us how you've come to be in Seattle.
Oh, a small theater group has decided to produce a play I've written.
-Which one? -Oh, my most recent work.
It's a sort of feminist odyssey, experimental in places,
in tone akin to Saroyan, with a soupcon of Gide,
and a hearty nod to Clifford Odets.
I meant which theater?
Oh. The Roundabout.
That seems appropriate.
You know, why don't you people just keep talking amongst yourselves.
I'll go and fetch the profiteroles.
They were prepared by the hottest new pastry chef in… Oh, what's the use?
I'll help. He always over-powders.
I'm sure old man Kennedy felt this kind of pride
when his boys would go out and play touch football.
You know her better than I.
Is that what she looks like when she's writhing in envy?
Oh, shut up.
I admit you were right.
Before she leaves here tonight, I am going to tell her
how much pain she made me feel.
The savage truth this time. There will be no sugar-coating it.
Yes, I am aware of the irony.
It must be wonderful to see your words come to life like that.
Oh, yes, it's a dream come true.
Diane, are you okay?
Yes, I'm fine. Why?
Well, your cheek was kind of twitching.
It was?
Oh, well, it was probably fatigue. Where were we?
-Oh, I was asking about your play. -Oh, right.
There it goes again! You twitched!
That was either a very large twitch or a very small seizure.
You know, I… I'm not sure
how much I really want to talk about my play right now.
Bad luck and all that.
And we all know what a struggle it is to get Diane to talk about herself.
[DIANE LAUGHING]
Oh, Frasier, you always could kid.
How I miss that.
[SOBBING]
Look, Diane, please, I really didn't mean anything by it.
-I'm sorry. -It's not that.
It's my whole life. It's ruined.
Niles, could you please get her some water?
Of course, of course.
Oh, everything I told you tonight is a lie.
I'm sorry for this.
Oh, I must look just awful.
Your cheek stopped jumping.
All right, tell me what happened. Was it about your play?
There it goes again.
Look, would you people please give us some privacy?
All right now, from the beginning.
Well, it all started a few months ago when I lost my job.
I'd been writing for Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.
I was on the set one day, and I was trying to show Jane Seymour
the proper way to cauterize a wound with a branding iron…
And I accidentally set her hair on fire.
Well, from there it was a steady slide downhill.
Two-year relationship ended,
I lost the beach house, friends stopped calling,
the one bright spot was my play in Seattle.
Well, I flew up here yesterday
only to find that the backer was pulling out.
I was so distraught,
I found myself wandering around the city in complete despair.
It's then that like a ray of hope from heaven
I saw your smiling face on the side of a bus.
And that's why I'm here today.
You helped me the only other time I was this low.
Frasier, I'm asking for your help again.
Of course I'll help you, Diane.
Oh, Frasier.
Well, that was a bit scary.
I'll say, watching someone go completely crackers like that.
-What's the matter with you now? -Nothing, I'm fine.
Just suddenly missing my Maris.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
My God, Niles,
it's such a glorious day. I walked all the way here.
Thirty-two blocks, Bruno Magli's be damned.
Go ahead, I see "the look." I know exactly what it means too.
How could I very well say no to Diane? She came to me in crisis.
Oh, excuse me. A double cappuccino, please.
Light cinnamon. Thank you.
Ah. Oh, you know, the change in Diane has really been quite gratifying.
I dropped her off at the theater today,
and there was a smile on her face that I hadn't seen in,
well, far too many years. Oh, I know what you're thinking.
Where'd she get the money to do the play? Well, she found a backer.
It's tax-deductible!
Thank you.
Oh, why don't you just go ahead and say what you're thinking, Niles?
That I'm falling for her again. "Well, you did bounce in here as though
you were on top of the world and babbling about her smile."
I just don't want to hear it, Niles!
I'm simply helping her to get back on her feet
and out of my life as quickly as possible.
No, I don't know how long it's going to take.
Well, I said I don't know! Really, Niles, curse you!
You are the most infuriating busybody. I'm not sitting with you.
DIANE: It really is a lovely city.
"Night making all things dimly beautiful."
"One veil over us both."
-Cyrano? -Yes.
Eleven years later we're still on the same page.
Frasier, these past few weeks you've given so much of yourself to me.
I want to give the one gift I have to bestow.
I want you to be the first person to see my play.
Will you come to dress rehearsal tonight?
Diane, I'd be honored.
Oh, wonderful. Wonderful. Give me a second.
You know, you sure you're ready for this?
Oh, yes, it's time. Tonight I bare myself to you.
It's a big step, Diane.
Oh, well, I have to say I'm a little nervous about it,
but barring any lighting or prop problems,
the whole thing'll be over in a couple of hours.
Hello, people still in the house here!
-Meet me at the theater at 7:00. -Mm-hmm.
I don't know what I've done to deserve you.
-Hey, Dad. -Listen, this is none of my business,
but you're not falling for her again, are you?
What if I were?
That woman dumped you at the altar.
Well, that was the old Diane.
She no longer sees herself as the center of the universe.
I'm not the old Frasier anymore, either. People can change, Dad.
Yeah, I suppose you're right. Take me, for instance.
The old Martin would've said, "You're out of your mind.
"I'd rather see you go gay and shack up with the punk"
"who shot me than go off with her."
I'd rather see you sewed up inside the body of a dead horse."
But the new Martin just says, "Viva l'amour."
The new Frasier resists the temptation to correct your French.
Well, the stage is set, my players are prepared.
So, without further ado, I give you Rhapsody and Requiem,
a play by Diane Chambers.
[FRASIER APPLAUDING]
Boy, it sure is great having Mary Anne back.
It just wasn't the same when she was gone.
Yeah, well, you know, recent studies at, Johns Hopkins University reveal
that the expression "absence makes the heart grow fonder"
is in actuality, rooted in scientific bedrock.
Yeah, so is your head.
Ease up there, Darla.
Evening, everybody.
-Hey, there, Ned. -What would you say to a beer?
What's a nice beer like you doing in a face like this?
[DIANE LAUGHING]
-Salutations, all. -Hey, there, Doc.
What can I get you?
DOC: A prickly choice, Stan.
It reminds me of the one the 18th-century wit John Wilkes faced
when asked by the Earl of Sandwich
whether he expected to die on the gallows or of the pox.
"That depends, sir," he said, "on whether I choose
to embrace your principles or your mistress."
Evening, people.
ALL: Mary Anne!
I pour beer down people's throats.
I drink it.
Our lives are empty,
so what draws our feet here night after night?
ALL: Mary Anne.
Well, I'm off.
-See you anon, mi amore. -You bet, honey.
DIANE: Hold it. Stop.
What kind of a kiss was that? You two are supposed to be in love.
Well, I didn't know how big you wanted it.
Remember that kiss you gave me this morning?
Like this one?
-Come on, okay, from the kiss. -You bet, honey.
Forgive me, Franklin. I suppose that was a tad inconsiderate.
Quite all right.
A loving spirit like yours can't be bridled.
But I did leave you at the altar.
Oh, you know I hold no ill will toward you for that.
Can we just stop for a second?
This whole "getting left at the altar" thing.
I just don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling.
I may be able to illuminate that for you.
What you're feeling is that this woman has reached into your chest,
plucked out your heart, and thrown it to her hellhounds for a chew toy.
And it's not the last time either, because that's who this woman is.
She is the devil!
No use running away from her because no matter how far you go,
no matter how many years you let pass,
you will never be completely out of reach of those bony fingers!
So drink hearty, Franklin, and laugh,
because you have made a pact with Beelzebub,
and her name is Mary Anne!
[ALL APPLAUDING]
FRASIER: Diane.
Frasier.
-I thought we should talk. -Oh, yes, I think we should.
I tried to reach you at your home.
I was driving around.
I'm sorry if I in any way misled you about my feelings these past few weeks.
You didn't. I think I misled myself.
Well, at the very least, I obviously owe you an apology
for the first time that things went awry between us.
That's all right.
No, it… it was a time in my life when all…
No, Diane, it isn't necessary.
The things I said, well, they just needed saying.
Besides, I don't really feel all that harshly,
and in retrospect, I'm reasonably sure that you are not the devil.
Although he does have the power to assume pleasing shapes.
Well, you should know, I've decided to go back to Los Angeles.
Watching the play tonight through fresh eyes,
I, well… I just don't think it's ready.
I'm sure things will work out fine.
Well, I… I think I've said what I came to say.
Frasier, um, before you go,
there's one last thing you could help me with,
not that you haven't helped me a lot already,
but it's the last scene where Franklin and Mary Anne say goodbye.
It's never felt quite right to me.
I'd like her to stand, oh, right about here,
and tell him how much he's meant to her
and how she'll never forget him.
How do you suppose Franklin would respond to that?
Well, I suppose he'd tell her that he feels the same way.
That she's touched him in a way that she can never imagine,
and he's glad that she was in his life.
All that would be left would be the goodbye.
How do you see that?
Well, I suppose he could say…
"Until we meet again."
Probably certain that they never would.
But mightn't there be a part of him that hopes they would?
Oh, I suppose so, yes.
All right then, don't have them sum things up.
Just let them say their goodbyes and, if their paths happen to cross again,
so be it.
Goodbye, Mary Anne.
Goodbye, Franklin.
Oh, yes, that's a perfect moment, uncluttered by any
-extra words or phrases… -Diane.
Oh, shoot, I've blown it.
-All right, let's try it again. -Okay.
Goodbye, Diane.
Goodbye, Frasier.
Force of habit.
I've been doing it all week.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Quite stylish.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Good night!