[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
-Oh, how does he always hear me? -He doesn't.
He just swings through every 20 minutes.
He knows you'll be eating some kind of junk.
I don't want him eating these.
Then do what I do when I want Eddie away from me.
I make a sound like… [HIGH-PITCHED ULULATING]
That's mean.
Why? It doesn't really hurt his ears.
He just finds certain noises irritating.
[NILES, FRASIER VOCALIZING]
That was the most riveting production of Wagner I have seen this season.
I still have goose-bumps from when Klingsor summoned Kundry
with a terrible cry and ordered her to seduce Parsifal.
Ha! Er ist schön, der Knabe!
Well, I had a pretty good night too.
Took myself a nice hot bath, and remember that corn I had on my toe?
Well, it got so soft, I was just able to peel it right off.
It's going to be difficult for me to top that,
but I have some rather exciting news myself.
I'm sure you're all familiar with the Safford case
that's been in the papers?
You mean that scum-sucking jerk who's trying to get his father committed?
Yes. Well, guess who's been retained by that scum-sucking jerk?
I'm going to be testifying as an expert witness at Mr. Safford's capacity hearing.
Wait a minute. You're gonna help sell that poor old guy down the river?
Not at all. Mr. Safford is unbalanced.
His son is worried sick about him.
Oh, his son's worried he's not gonna get his hands on his father's fortune.
Boy, the minute a man starts getting up there,
his kids start making plans to divvy up his stuff.
You'll be pleased to know that Niles and I have decided
to give all your things to charity. We're donating your clothes to the blind.
MARTIN: Well, it's just not right.
A bunch of money-grubbers behind closed doors trying
to declare this poor old guy insane.
For starters, it's not behind closed doors.
The entire proceeding will be broadcast on Court TV.
Oh, great.
What father doesn't look forward to the day he gathers his friends
around the TV and says,
"Hey, that's my boy, the one making the old man cry."
Dad, I'm sure Niles is only doing this to protect Mr. Safford from himself.
Old age doesn't have to be that way, you know.
My Great Aunt Beryl lived well into her 90s, and her mind never failed her.
Of course, she lost her eyesight in her 70s and her balance in her 80s.
By the end we spent most of our time propping her up
and putting another bandage on her forehead.
But, bless her heart, she could always tell you just how it happened.
Well, Safford is clearly irrational.
Recently, he wandered off.
They found him two days later riding across Wyoming in a boxcar full of bums.
He's taken to selling off property for half its worth, and, most damning of all,
when I went over to evaluate him, he continually referred to me as "Sparky."
I don't know, you always wanted to have a nickname.
You remember your campaign to have the string section
of the Youth Orchestra call you "Rocky"?
It would have worked, too, if Tilly Faraday hadn't pinned me to the ground
with her trombone when I rebuked her for neglecting to empty her spit valve.
Well, I still think picking on the old man stinks.
God help you if you're over 50 and you do anything
that seems the least bit odd to your family.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la!
WOMAN: …and I'm pretty sure he's having an affair with his secretary.
Well, have you talked to your husband and heard his side of the story?
-No. -Well, Beth, it does seem that
your fears may be well-founded, but I think you should talk to your husband
before you come to any final conclusions.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you good day and good mental health.
Here are those PSAs. We'll do them tomorrow before the show.
Thank you, Roz.
Roz, why is that light still on?
Is that Beth who I was just talking to?
-No! -Yes, it is.
-It isn't! -Yes, it is!
-I'm sure it is. -It's not.
-Roz, have you been talking to Beth? -Of course not!
What do you think I'm giving advice to your callers?
Oh, Frasier, you are so paranoid.
The world is full of enemies.
Everybody's plotting against you.
There's a man in a dark trench coat right behind you.
-Oh, very droll. -Dr. Crane?
I'm John Giroux. I work for Harlow Safford.
I'm afraid there's been some mistake.
It's my brother who's connected with the case.
We're quite aware of that.
But Mr. Safford feels he's the victim of a grave injustice.
He's an ardent fan of your show and feels you're the only man who can help him.
Well, that's very flattering, but given my brother's connection with the case,
it wouldn't be very prudent for me to get involved.
Won't you at least talk to my client and judge him by his words
and his actions, not by how old he is?
You sound like my father, a man who believes that burial
is a form of age discrimination.
If you stop by this evening, I'm convinced you'll find Mr. Safford
is completely competent.
Even if you won't testify on his behalf,
perhaps you could at least get your brother to reconsider his testimony?
It's highly unlikely that I would disagree with my brother's opinion.
I really admired your advice to that last caller.
About not judging someone until you've heard his side of the story.
You're a good lawyer, Mr. Giroux.
Mr. Safford only seeks out the very best.
-I'll see you at 7:00? -The address is on the back of my card.
[DOOR CLOSES]
I don't care what Dr. Crane said.
You start talking to your husband and he'll start covering his tracks.
Get a detective now.
[CLEARING THROAT]
You were talking to my last caller.
I swear, it's the first and last time. I will never do it again.
I hope not.
Thanks for holding, Bill. I'm listening.
Thank you.
Enjoy your tour?
Uh…
Yes, yes.
That's quite a model railroad Mr. Safford has running through the grounds.
I've never seen one quite that scale.
It's impressive, isn't it?
Oh, yes, yes, especially when it's bearing down on you.
My heel stuck in the soft grass, and I barely made the crossing.
Tell me, how often does Mr. Safford play with his train?
Just the weekends, when he gives rides to underprivileged children.
Very admirable.
There's a lot you don't know about him.
That's why you're here.
Yes, well, I promised to consider all the evidence
before I arrive at a conclusion.
Yee-haw!
I think I've arrived.
-Hi, Sparky. I'm Harlow Safford. -Dr. Frasier Crane.
I don't believe I've ever seen a fire pole in a home before.
Oh, it, saves a lot of time, except when going up, of course.
[CHUCKLES]
-And the hat? -Oh, that's… that's just for laughs.
Yes, oh, try it on.
-I don't think I should. -Go ahead, try it.
-Come on. -Well, all right.
Yes, it is sort of fun, isn't it?
Not on you.
So do you think you can convince my self-righteous son that I'm not nuts?
I think "nuts" is a little strong, but you must admit that your behavior
might seem to most people to be a little unconventional.
Oh, good.
I spent my whole life being conventional.
And one day I said to myself, "Harlow, you're not having any fun."
Do you…
Speak to yourself often?
Don't try to trip me up, Sparky.
No, thank you. I'm trying to cut down on
lollipops.
-Well, thank you. -All right.
Uh, tell me, why do you call people "Sparky"?
Well, it makes them smile.
Right, Sparky?
-You ought to try it with your patients. -Oh, well, heh,
I'm not sure how warmly that would be embraced by those undergoing electroshock.
Um, anyway, your son tells me
that you recently sold some property at a fraction of its value.
That's right.
Terrific young married couple had their heart set on it, but couldn't afford it.
So I helped them out.
There's nothing wrong with helping people.
Well, he also informs me that you recently indulged in an unorthodox,
not to mention hazardous, mode of travel.
That pompous weenie. That's exactly how he would put it.
Actually, that was my wording.
Well, I hopped a freight, rode the rails.
You know, why not just purchase a ticket and ride in a club car?
Where's the adventure in that?
I'm 78. Someday I'll be too old to jump off a moving train.
No, you've gotta live out your fantasies while you can.
Do you understand that?
I think I can.
Yeah.
Mr. Safford,
what you've said makes a great deal of sense.
Before we go on…
There's something I have to ask you.
Shoot.
It's a little embarrassing.
I can take it.
Okay.
Can I slide down that pole?
Follow me, Sparky.
FRASIER: Dad, are you gonna watch something now?
Yeah. The championship fight.
Don't worry, here's my earphones. Won't bother anyone.
Ha! You've already been a bother.
Making me hide the sports section so he won't see it,
making me turn the news off because they might say who won.
I don't understand.
Well, the fight was last night.
It was on pay TV, but one of my police buddies has a pirate antenna.
So he taped it,
and they messengered one to me in an envelope marked "official business."
Another inspiring tale of our men in law enforcement.
Why are you walking funny?
Well, suffice it to say I learned today
it is unwise to slide repeatedly down a fire pole wearing woolen trousers.
-[DOORBELL RINGS] -Daphne…
-Oh, I'll get it. -Thank you.
Evening, Daphne.
Oh, Dr. Crane, don't say anything about last night's boxing match.
Your dad hasn't seen it yet.
Oh, I didn't even know it was boxing season.
Well, did everyone see my mention in this morning's paper?
I'm afraid I missed that. Well, small wonder.
They buried it all the way back on page 32.
-It's next to the sports section. -Get that out of here!
-Let me see. -Right there.
Oh.
"Court TV this week
"will feature the capacity hearing of noted timber baron Harlow Safford."
"Testifying on behalf of the family will be Dr. Niles Crane, eminent psychiatrist,"
"author and leading authority on clinical psychosis."
Dr. Crane is also the brother of the renowned…"
Yada, yada. The rest is filler.
Niles.
-I have to talk to you about something. -Oh.
Just after the show today, I was visited by a man named Mr. Giroux.
Ah.
He asked me to represent Mr. Safford.
-What? -MARTIN: Shh!
Sorry.
Given your involvement in the case, I naturally declined.
Oh. Thank God.
But I did agree to see if I concurred with your diagnosis and speak to Mr. Safford.
-What?! -Hey, keep it down!
I just had to tell you that I found Harlow Safford
to be of completely sound mind.
And don't say, "What?"
-Why? -Quiet!
Perhaps it would be better if we spoke somewhere else.
You couldn't stand that I had a high-profile case, could you?
You had to butt into it.
I don't want you to make a fool of yourself.
These people came to me. They asked for my expertise.
Oh, ha! They were undoubtedly exploiting your dubious celebrity.
Of which you are jealous, and I fear the reason you took this case.
That is flatly untrue. I took the case to help the family.
-And to be on television. -I don't give a hoot about television!
Well, some of us do!
Niles, you made a hasty judgment, and I am sorry, but you were wrong.
Ah. Now we see why you got involved in the case.
So big brother could be right and little Niles could be wrong.
Oh, your pathetic childhood issues have nothing to do with it.
Face it, you were wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]
This from Mr. Quick Fix, the master of the in-depth one-minute phone call diagnosis.
I spent several hours with Mr. Safford, and I found his behavior to be…
Wildly irrational. He's a lip-diddling loon.
You think anything that's even slightly spontaneous is aberrant.
That's ridiculous! The man's incompetent!
I'm warning you, if you get up in a courtroom and say that,
you will damage yourself professionally.
I'm testifying, and you're not going to stop me!
Fine. But you leave me no choice but to testify against you.
-In that case, I'll see you in court. -Good. I look forward to it.
-So do I. -Good.
-Hey!
Daphne, please, turn down that radio. Dad is trying to watch a fight.
-FRASIER: How are you holding up? -SAFFORD: Oh, I'm fine.
Sparky, I know you don't want to take any money for helping me,
but at least let me make a donation to your favorite charity.
It was my duty, not to mention a pleasure to help you.
If you'd like to donate something,
why don't you select a charity of your own choosing?
Fair enough.
Good. Excuse me.
Hello, Niles.
It's not too late to ask them to put a big blue ball
in front of your face during the broadcast.
Perhaps spare you some shred of your reputation.
I'd laugh in your face, but I'm saving my voice.
[CLEARING THROAT]
Oh, my God.
You're wearing makeup.
I am not. This is… medication.
-Something my dermatologist recommended. -Dr. Revlon?
These feeble attempts to undermine my confidence are futile.
The testimony I've prepared is nothing short of brilliant.
I cite half a dozen studies of gerontology,
I quote everything from the Bible to Herodotus,
I deftly interweave humor with pathos.
You may want to take notes.
And if you had an ounce of self-awareness,
you would realize that your diagnosis was colored
by your zeal to put your face in front of that camera.
-Oh! -Oh, by the way…
Your "medication" is rubbing off on your collar.
BAILIFF: All rise. The court is in session.
Judge Richard McCarron presiding.
Hello, Your Honor.
MCCARRON: Be seated.
Good morning.
-Has everyone been sworn in? -Yes, Your Honor.
Well, I see we have two Dr. Cranes testifying today.
Mr. Giroux.
I think we'll hear from your authority first.
I assume the other Dr. Crane has no objection to that arrangement.
None whatsoever, Your Honor.
I'm over here, Dr. Crane.
Your Honor,
I would not presume to bore the court with the recitation of dry statistics,
gerontology studies…
…obscure literary references.
Instead I intend to speak from the heart.
I worry about a society that's chosen to define normalcy in such narrow terms
that if someone's behavior deviates ever so slightly,
we question his capacity to function.
Mr. Safford's seeming eccentricities, his love of trains, his generosity,
they can all be readily explained.
SAFFORD: Diabetes!
Mr. Safford.
I was talking to Sparky.
-Did you say "diabetes"? -Yes.
We'll donate the money to diabetes. Those poor people can't eat sugar.
FRASIER: Fine. Fine.
We'll talk about it afterward.
MCCARRON: May we continue, Dr. Crane?
My apologies, Your Honor.
Mr. Safford and I were discussing a very sizable donation
he intends to make later today to a very worthy cause.
I guess his enthusiasm just got the best of him.
But it is this very generosity that his son finds so objectionable.
That, and the fact that he did hop a freight train across the country.
But, you see, what he sees as unstable, I see as romantic.
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]
I don't suppose there's a railroad track outside the courtroom?
Doesn't Mr. Safford deserve to be a bit of a free spirit
after the years of his demanding career?
A career in which he wore…
Many hats.
That of a father, a philanthropist, a CEO.
SAFFORD: All aboard! All aboard!
Get your tickets ready.
Have your tickets ready, please. Have your tickets ready.
In the end it all comes down to this: Can we really condemn a man
for maintaining a childlike joie de vivre even in his twilight years?
Thank you.
All aboard for the coast express.
Yes, making stops in Tacoma, Olympia, Portland, and Salem.
And the next stop is…
I think I know where your next stop is going to be.
Now, look, Niles, before you start gloating, let me just say this:
You were right. I was wrong.
Big deal.
The world never got a chance to hear me being right.
I suppose by now it's obvious that what you were saying all along was true.
I do envy your fame.
Well, perhaps this public humiliation will cure me of my damned competitiveness.
Oh.
Don't worry about it.
I humiliated myself far more than you did today.
Oh, oh, obviously you didn't see the way I was whoring after that TV camera.
Obviously you didn't see how I was tap dancing up there
like an organ grinder's monkey.
Yes, well, I might as well have been tarred and feathered.
I might as well have been pilloried in the town square.
I might as well have been stripped naked and forced to…
Oh, stop it, Niles! We're doing it again!
Niles, you have no reason to feel badly.
Everyone wants to be recognized for something they're good at.
And you…
Are a good psychiatrist.
Thank you, Frasier.
Something I can't really lay claim to after today.
How could I have so misjudged that man?
Well, he's undeniably charming, for one thing.
And he can be lucid for long stretches of time.
Yes, but you weren't fooled.
Somehow you picked up on some tiny clue that I missed.
You remember what it was?
Yes. Midway through our interview
he took off his trousers and tried to put them on the cat.
I'd like to think I might have picked up on that one too.
-Still… -Frasier.
You've always approached life with a positive attitude.
It's a quality I admire of yours.
Perhaps your judgment was clouded by your desire to see old age
not as a time of inevitable decline,
but as a time when one's childhood's passions
and fantasies can be reborn.
Thank you, Niles.
You know what would cheer me up?
-What? -I would like to hear
that summation you never got a chance to give.
-Really? -Yes.
-You're not just saying that? -Do you care?
-No. -All right, then.
All right. [CHUCKLES]
-I'm the judge. -All right.
-Okay. -All rise.
Yes, we are.
We've been sworn in? Yes, we have, Your Honor.
Dr. Crane, proceed.
Your Honor, I believe it was Herodotus who said,
"Circumstances rule men, men do not rule circumstances."
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Quite stylish.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Good night, Seattle, we love you!