[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
-You got something on your mind? -It's Joe.
Tonight's our six-month anniversary, but we can't celebrate
until next week because he's flying to Las Vegas with his buddies.
Oh, Vegas, huh? Great!
Well, tell him not to miss the show at the Diamond Lounge.
A Topless History of the World.
If they still got the same Bathsheba, he's in for a real treat.
Oh, yes, that's just where I want Joe spending our anniversary,
-some smutty show in Vegas. -[DOORBELL RINGS]
No, it's very tasteful and historically accurate,
except at the end where Eleanor Roosevelt
and Eva Braun settle World War II by wrestling in pudding.
-Oh, hello, Dr. Crane. -Daphne.
-Niles, to what do we owe this pleasure? -To an unscrupulous art dealer
who's trying to rob me blind.
-Last night I was at a gallery opening… -Niles, is this gonna be a long story?
Moderately.
Walk and talk.
Anyway, I was at this opening, in conversation,
when I made a rather emphatic point about pointillism.
When I lost the grip on my canapé and found that it became airborne.
Well, the next thing I know I'm being confronted by an irate gallery owner
who's demanding I reimburse him for the damage to one of his paintings.
How he could notice a fleck of foie gras on a Jackson Pollock is beyond me.
[CHUCKLES HAUGHTILY]
He's getting an estimate and to protect myself,
I seem to recall you knowing a trustworthy art restorer.
Oh, yes, I do, actually. He saved my life last year
-when Eddie licked my Liechtenstein. -Mm.
-I'll get you his card. -Oh, thank you.
-You free for lunch today? -Oh, sadly, no.
The radio station is subjecting my program
to something they call a focus group this afternoon.
-Dinner, perhaps. -Oh, perfect.
And what exactly is a focus group?
Well, they actually drag a pack of people
off the street and make them listen to my program
and then dutifully record their opinions about it.
-How demeaning. -Oh, absolutely.
Imagine Sigmund Freud being dragged into a room full of Viennese laymen
to hear remarks like, "Hate that Oedipal thing but, oh, love the penis envy."
I mean, really.
The worst thing is, they may make me change my show
in deference to the opinion of Joe Six Pack.
You're worrying too much. I was on a focus group once.
That sound you hear is a nail being hammered into my coffin.
They were trying out a new frozen snack.
It was a meatball with the cheese injected right in the middle.
Just as nature intended.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
Dr. Niles Crane.
Ah. So you have the estimate?
What?
Four thousand dollars?
To remove a minuscule gobbet of duck liver?
I could do the same thing with a Q-tip and some club seltzer.
Oh, well, you may very well say, "Pay up or else,"
-but I have something to say to you… -WOMAN [ON TV]: Yeah?
Well, I wasn't the one who was fooling around with the babysitter!
-MAN: Shut up! -WOMAN: No, you shut up!
Oh, please, I have enough aggravation
without having to listen to a stupid talk show!
Honestly, the only life-forms lower than the people
who appear on those shows are the ones who watch them.
-Like me. -What…
Oh, no. I didn't realize that you were…
-I was just… -Oh, no, no that's quite all right.
Although I do find it interesting that I get criticized
for listening to people's problems when all you do is get rich from it.
Oh, surely, Daphne, even you can see the difference
between cheap sensationalism and the practice of psychiatry.
Oh, even me?
-Oh, no, I… -As in, even feeble-minded Daphne?
I'll tell you what I can tell the difference between,
a true gentleman and a condescending prig!
I am not!
He said priggishly.
Forgive me if I'm not as down-to-earth as you
and your tattooed, muumuu-wearing brethren.
You pompous twit!
Couch zombie!
-DAPHNE: Snob! -NILES: Brat!
-Oh, shut up! -Oh, you shut up!
I'm glad we turned off the TV.
Oh, oh, Dr. Crane, I'm so sorry.
I'm just so upset at Joe.
I didn't mean a word of it.
Daphne, I apologize. I have no idea what came over me.
I was angry on the phone and I called you a couch zombie. I didn't mean… Friends?
Of course.
Niles, what was that all about?
I'm not sure, but, oh, mama, it was glorious!
Blood pounding, sarcastic zingers flying…
Are you saying that you enjoyed fighting with Daphne?
Every exhilarating moment. It was pure unbridled passion.
I think I still have some of her spittle on my forehead.
Oh, oh, why did Dad ever tell us not to fight with girls?
It's wonderful!
The friction between us…
Niles, is this going to be a long description?
-Very. -Walk and talk.
Oh, the friction between us.
I mean, I felt a burning in my body, flames coming out of my ears…
FRASIER [ON TAPE]: By showering a reluctant girlfriend with gifts, Billy,
you're applying a Band-Aid to a gaping wound.
My advice is to find someone who will return your worthy affection,
or sooner or later, your wallet, as well as your bed, will be empty.
I see we're out of time. Thank you for listening.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you all good mental health.
Okay, let's talk about Dr. Crane's show.
Now, I know, you've been eyeing this two-way mirror,
but the only people behind there are data consultants.
So, please, speak freely.
There's no one involved with the show whose feelings could be hurt.
If anybody says anything bad about me, I'll kill myself.
Oh, now, Roz, relax.
We do a perfectly good show. We're not gonna change it one iota.
Only a fool would listen to the opinion of every Tom, Dick and Harry.
I liked everything about it.
On the other hand, it's good to keep an open mind.
And I like that Roz.
I think her voice is really sexy.
Especially that throaty laugh of hers.
Wow. That's nice.
-I didn't know I had a throaty laugh. -MAN: You do.
I've noticed it too.
Really?
Oh, you.
The stuff he says really seems to make a lot of sense.
Yeah, it's funny.
I mean, he takes his callers seriously but he can kid around with them too.
Yeah, I listen to a lot of radio
-and I think this is a great show. -Yeah.
I just don't know how much more of this I can listen to.
Manu, I noticed you've been quiet.
-Do you have something to say? -Me? No.
We'd like to hear your opinion of the program.
Well, it's… I don't know.
Something about…
I don't like it.
Well, who is this cheeky non-conformist?
Well, let's see. His name is Manu Habib.
Married. No children.
Owns his own news stand.
Wow, that is so weird to hear someone's whole life summed up like that.
Roz Doyle, radio producer, single.
MODERATOR: Now getting back to your thoughts, Manu,
you said there was something about the program you didn't like.
Can you be more specific?
Well, I don't like him.
Why?
I don't know. I just don't like him.
I do. I'm gonna start listening to him all the time.
It's a great show.
WOMAN: Yeah, it's fantastic. He's wonderful. I love his show.
My God, Frasier, this is a love fest.
I can't believe we were even worried about it.
"I just don't like him." Mm…
Oh, it looks like our coffee's here. Why don't we take a quick break? Okay?
Hey, sports fans! How's it going in here?
I thought they were testing your show across the hall.
Oh, yeah, they are.
But after ten minutes, it's just the same old.
-Guys love me, chicks pretend not to. -FRASIER: Oh…
Whoa!
Your group's even uglier than mine.
Will you knock it off?
-These people happen to like us. -Will you guys lighten up?
You gotta get in the spirit of things.
Hey, hey! This is great. I live for a moment like this.
-That's right. Go for it right there. -Oh, come on. Hey, Bulldog…
As long as you're in there, you might as well go
after the huevos rancheros you had for breakfast.
Oh, stop it!
Hey, ten bucks says he eats what he finds.
-Oh, that's disgusting! Come on. -Wait, come on, come on, come on.
Bingo!
-Do I know these people or what? -Oh, go away.
-Hi, Niles. -Hey, Dad.
May I assume from your dress windbreaker that you'll be joining us for dinner?
Yep. But I'm making a pitch that we eat at the Timber Mill.
I got a coupon from there that expires tomorrow.
Oh. If I dine there tonight, so may I.
-NILES: Oh. -Hello, Dr. Crane.
There's the British bobcat.
Now, look, she's still a little bit over the edge about this Joe thing,
so you better watch your step or you're gonna have a repeat of this morning.
We wouldn't want that, would we?
Chips, Daphne? Is that wise?
What do you mean?
Well, you know what they say, "Many chips make for chubby hips."
Waddle, waddle, waddle.
Have you lost your mind?
Oh, no, I'm glad that I've put on a few.
Now maybe Joe will stop nagging me to plump up.
MARTIN: Hey, Fras, how was the focus group?
Fine, I guess.
Oh, well, you said yourself, they don't mean anything.
Yes, it's one thing to say that,
it's another to sit there being personally attacked.
One man actually said, "I just don't like him."
Only one?
I'm healing with humor.
I'll stop now.
I'm sure someone must have said something nice.
Well, all the other 11 had nothing but high praise.
Eleven out of 12 liked you? You should be thrilled.
FDR didn't have that kind of approval rating.
Or Churchill, for that matter.
Churchill? That cigar-chomping gin blossom with a face attached?
You're right about that.
There's a kiss hello to put you off your tea.
I wish I was able to talk to this man and ask him
what it is about me that he doesn't like, but I can't, you see.
He was told that his comments would be kept confidential.
Just forget it. Come on, let's go out to dinner. I'm buying.
Well, what is it he doesn't like about me?
My voice? My manner?
-Do I intimidate him? -I don't know. What is it about you?
Everybody has to love you.
It's like when you were in that play in high school.
You got standing ovations every night, all your friends say that you're great.
You got one lousy review in the school paper and you sulked for a week.
Dad, I like to think I've matured a bit since then.
But, you know, you would've sulked too if you read in the paper:
"Mr. Crane's attempts to gyrate his hips as Conrad the Teen Idol
in Bye Bye Birdie made this reviewer say, 'Bye Bye Breakfast.' "
That review was a mash note compared to my first draft.
Yeah, I know just what you're going through.
I once won a dance competition hands down,
but instead of celebrating,
I spent the whole night fretting over me one bad score.
-Silly head. -Idiot!
Oh, I've stepped in it now.
-Listen here, Dr. Crane… -Yeah, Daphne?
FRASIER: All right, Daphne, just a moment.
Just try to remember what you're like
when you're arguing with Joe and consider Niles' situation. He's separated.
You can't imagine the sort of emotional see-saw he's on,
not to mention the fact he may be unaware that he's acting like a complete jackass!
Of course, you're right.
I'm sorry. I should be more sensitive.
Well, from now on, nothing you say can make me cross with you.
-[DOOR CLOSES] -I suppose I had that coming.
Though I think "jackass" was a tad over the line.
Well, just consider it payback for the headline "Crane's Birdie Lays an Egg."
Come on, Frasier, you gotta let it go.
You know, no matter who you are, no matter what you do, you can't please everybody.
Well, I suppose my negative baggage is just a pound or two over the weight limit.
Okay, good. Come on, let's go have dinner.
-All right. -This is good.
This is healthy. I'm letting go.
There he is.
The man who doesn't like me.
I knew we should've taken two cars.
MARTIN: What the hell's the matter with you?
I'm sorry, Dad. It's just, "I just don't like him."
It's just not specific enough.
-Why doesn't he like me? -What difference does it make?
If his point was valid, then I would do something about it.
If it's not, well, then I can dismiss it.
-Fine. Go talk to him. -I can't.
He's not supposed to know I was part of the focus group.
But you could go talk to him for me.
Oh, for crying out loud.
Hey, look, if we're going to be here for a while, could we lock the doors?
Relax, Niles, the neighborhood's okay.
-The docks are two blocks from here. -So's the Ritz Carlton.
Exactly. We're caught halfway between heaven and hell.
All I want is more information.
Dad, please, please go talk to him for me.
All right, if I get an answer for you, can we go to dinner?
Okay, fine. Oh, but, wait, wait, wait!
Now you can't just walk up there and ask him.
He'll know that I sent you.
We've gotta find some artful way of introducing the subject.
Can we at least hide Dad's handicap sign?
It sends a clear signal that we're incapable of fighting back.
So do your suspenders.
All right, I've got it. You're a businessman in town from Chicago.
No, no, it's too obvious. Uh…
From Cleveland. No one would pretend to be from Cleveland.
-Fine. Then we eat. -Wait, wait, I'm not through yet.
Yes, you've had a bad sales month and you're a little depressed.
You happened to see ad for my show on the side of a bus
and you were wondering if I'm as intelligent as I look.
-What? -Well, oh, just word it your own way,
but are we clear on this now?
All right, I got it. Businessman.
Cleveland. Depression. Then eat.
Yes, Dad, eat.
Honestly, sometimes you become so obsessed about things.
Oh, God, it's raining.
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
Hi, I'm Marty Crane. My son's Dr. Frasier Crane.
He's across the street in that BMW.
No, don't look. Don't look.
Oh, my God. He was behind the mirror.
Don't worry about it.
He's not mad at you. He just wants to know why you don't like him.
But I do like him.
-No, you don't. -Oh, yes, I do.
Oh, no. He heard what you said.
They lied to me.
They lied about the… They lied about the mirror, they lied about the free gift.
That's a tote bag? What the hell is a fanny pack?
Look, I just need you to be a little more specific.
What don't you like about him?
I can't do this.
I don't like to say bad things about people.
And you are his father.
No, you'd be doing me a favor.
Just answer this one question and we'll all get out of your life forever.
You're promising?
Absolutely.
All right.
Oh, I don't know your son well,
but, uh, I guess I find him,
uh, just a little bit…
Yeah?
Annoying.
Okay, you did good. Thanks.
Please tell your son I'm sorry that he annoys me so much.
Will do.
Not yet. Not yet.
Not yet. Okay, unlock.
Right and lock.
-Mission accomplished. -FRASIER: Good.
-Did he believe our story? -Yeah, I had him going pretty good.
That Cleveland thing really sold it.
Well, we better go eat now, huh?
-Right. Right. -Before he sees us together.
-[ENGINE STARTS] -So, Dad, what didn't he like about me?
He said you annoy him.
Yes? How so?
Well, I didn't ask him why.
What do you mean, didn't ask him?
Oh, jeez.
I'm sorry, Dad but I have no idea what "He's annoying" means.
Well, it's clear enough to me!
Frasier, not to appear unsympathetic
but I've had my "I'm dangerous" face on so long, it's starting to hurt.
Well, what is it about me he could find so annoying?
He mentioned something about not letting an old man eat.
It's clear I'm gonna have to do this myself, isn't it?
-Here. -Thank you.
-Who you calling? -No one.
I just pressed 911 and I'm keeping my finger poised
over the "send" button in case there's trouble with those hooligans.
Oh, the UPS man or the little girls playing in the puddles?
-Hello. -Hello.
-I can help you? -Uh…
Yes, yes.
Um, you were recently speaking with a salesman from Cleveland.
-I don't think so. -It was just five minutes ago.
Listen, he left you and went over to that car waiting right over there. Do you see?
-Oh, God, no. Oh, you're him. It's you! -Yes.
-Yes, it is. I'm so sorry. -No, I know the voice.
I really don't mean to bother you,
but I would like to just talk to you for a minute.
-I like your show. -No, you don't.
Yes, I do. I like your show and I like you.
You know that man was my father.
-I like your father. -That's very delightful.
But, you see, you told him that, uh, you find me annoying.
Yes, yes, you did. And that's all right.
I don't mind constructive criticism.
It's just that I wish you could be a bit more specific.
What exactly is it about me that you find so annoying?
-You're not annoying. -Yes, I am!
Would I be here if I wasn't?
I've enjoyed talking to you very much, but now it's time for my break.
-Oh, no, no, please. Oh! -[YELLS]
-Oh, boy. -I'm so sorry.
I am a sticky mess.
-Look, let me help you with that. -No, no, no. No, it's fine.
-It's good. -Manu…
Drive safely.
-[YELLS] -Oh!
Oh, dear God, I'm so sorry.
-Are you all right? -No, no, fine.
-Let me look at it. -Fine. No.
Look, I'm a doctor.
I just go to the restaurant to put ice on it.
Well, I'll hold down the fort here.
Glad to be of help.
He's crushed the gentleman's hand
and now he appears to be commandeering his news stand.
Uh-huh.
Oh, good Lord. Smoking in a workplace. It's vile.
How much for the paper?
Yes, well, that would be 50 cents.
-Thank you so much. There we are. -Excuse me.
Are you Dr. Crane from the radio?
Why, yes, I am.
Oh, I just never miss your show. I love you.
-Thank you. -I guess you get tired of hearing that.
Oh, occupational hazard.
-Um, would you mind? -I wouldn't mind at all.
-To Amanda. -Amanda.
It's a pleasure.
What are you doing here, anyway?
Oh, oh, well, you see, let me explain.
You see, the radio station conducted a little audience survey today
and although the response was favorable
-from 11 out of 12 of the participants… -Is that smoking?
Well, some people might consider it smoking,
-but, you see, for me, a perfectionist… -Fire!
Fire? What? Oh, my God! What?
Oh, my God. Frasier set his news stand on fire.
MARTIN: Mm-hmm.
Uh…
May I?
I know there's nothing I can say right now that would make you feel any better,
but, rest assured, I will be financially responsible for everything.
All this because you had to know why I do not like you.
Well, you were kind of vague.
You want to know why?
I'll tell you why.
I think you are a smarty-pants.
I was too polite to say that before, but then you spied on me,
you stalked me, you badgered me,
you poured Yoo-Hoo down my Dockers, you crushed my hand,
and then, as if all that was not enough,
you burned down my news stand, my livelihood!
A gift to me from my beloved uncle, may he rest in peace!
Was that so hard?
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salad and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
What is a boy to do?
Good night!