1 00:00:10,457 --> 00:00:13,461 Is it me or is the foam a tad dense today? 2 00:00:13,545 --> 00:00:16,464 Like a dreary fog on a Scottish moor. 3 00:00:16,548 --> 00:00:19,092 Rather than accent, it overwhelms. 4 00:00:19,176 --> 00:00:21,553 Rather than flirt, it assaults. 5 00:00:21,637 --> 00:00:25,267 Rather than watching the ball game, I have to listen to this. 6 00:00:27,018 --> 00:00:28,479 -ROZ: Hey, you guys. -Hey, Roz. 7 00:00:28,563 --> 00:00:29,855 -Like to join us? -Oh, yes. 8 00:00:29,939 --> 00:00:33,610 Frasier, listen, don't forget your staff meeting tomorrow. It starts at… 9 00:00:35,612 --> 00:00:39,612 Well, I certainly hope his tailor can fix the holes you just burnt in his jacket. 10 00:00:40,326 --> 00:00:42,078 They're not in his jacket. 11 00:00:43,372 --> 00:00:45,248 -It starts tomorrow at 10:00. -Thank you. 12 00:00:45,332 --> 00:00:46,958 Hey, Marty, what are you doing here? 13 00:00:47,042 --> 00:00:49,504 They're dragging me out to buy some new clothes. 14 00:00:49,588 --> 00:00:51,923 We're taking him to Rudolfo's once-a-year sale. 15 00:00:52,007 --> 00:00:54,051 It's 50 percent off. The alterations are free. 16 00:00:54,135 --> 00:00:56,303 Big deal. Butz Clothiers, they do that every day. 17 00:00:56,387 --> 00:01:00,892 Yes, not to mention the convenience of getting your pizza right next door. 18 00:01:00,976 --> 00:01:03,103 These guys think I have bad taste in clothes. 19 00:01:03,187 --> 00:01:04,522 I like the way you dress. 20 00:01:04,606 --> 00:01:07,006 That's what's called the "clincher." Shall we go? 21 00:01:08,027 --> 00:01:11,780 All right. Well, I'll just hit the head, and we can get it over with. 22 00:01:11,864 --> 00:01:13,616 Dad, you could show more enthusiasm. 23 00:01:13,700 --> 00:01:14,867 -Yeah. -MARTIN: Okay. 24 00:01:14,951 --> 00:01:18,251 Gee, I can't wait to hit the head, and we can get it all over with! 25 00:01:22,710 --> 00:01:24,754 Are you finished undressing him with your eyes? 26 00:01:24,838 --> 00:01:26,714 Please. I'm already looking for my stockings 27 00:01:26,798 --> 00:01:29,469 and trying to remember where I parked my car. 28 00:01:30,678 --> 00:01:32,722 I would have thought that gentleman over there 29 00:01:32,806 --> 00:01:34,724 in the flannel shirt would be more your type. 30 00:01:34,808 --> 00:01:37,394 Him? Not a chance. 31 00:01:37,478 --> 00:01:39,397 See the way he's slurping his orange juice? 32 00:01:39,481 --> 00:01:40,857 Sloppy kisser. 33 00:01:41,566 --> 00:01:44,111 Now, you can tell right away the guy is no good in bed. 34 00:01:44,195 --> 00:01:45,862 He's so cautious. 35 00:01:45,946 --> 00:01:48,283 Look at the way he's blowing on his coffee. 36 00:01:56,209 --> 00:02:00,005 I wasn't trying to cool it, I was simply blowing a foam hole. 37 00:02:00,631 --> 00:02:02,758 You don't even wrinkle the sheets, do you? 38 00:02:04,010 --> 00:02:07,263 Niles, that man across the street at the news stand. 39 00:02:07,347 --> 00:02:08,807 Is that who I think it is? 40 00:02:08,891 --> 00:02:10,350 He does look familiar. 41 00:02:10,434 --> 00:02:12,519 -It's T.H. Houghton. -No! 42 00:02:12,603 --> 00:02:15,773 Just think back to the picture on the dust cover of his Time Flies Tomorrow. 43 00:02:15,857 --> 00:02:18,193 -A little older, grayer… -Yeah, Time Flies Tomorrow. 44 00:02:18,277 --> 00:02:19,445 I read that in high school. 45 00:02:19,529 --> 00:02:21,363 -What else did he write? -FRASIER: Nothing. 46 00:02:21,447 --> 00:02:24,326 That's the crux of his legend. The man published one masterpiece, 47 00:02:24,410 --> 00:02:27,078 and in the 30 years since, he's become a virtual recluse. 48 00:02:27,162 --> 00:02:30,499 -Oh, my God. It is T.H. Houghton. -Yes. 49 00:02:30,583 --> 00:02:33,629 We're a stone's throw away from one of the giants of literature. 50 00:02:33,713 --> 00:02:35,464 Not the way you throw. 51 00:02:36,549 --> 00:02:38,092 Oh, Niles, this is incredible. 52 00:02:38,176 --> 00:02:41,346 My God, the man's entire life is shrouded in mystery, yet there he is. 53 00:02:41,430 --> 00:02:42,722 I've always idolized him. 54 00:02:42,806 --> 00:02:44,642 What I wouldn't give to meet that man. 55 00:02:44,726 --> 00:02:46,352 Why don't you go introduce yourself. 56 00:02:46,436 --> 00:02:48,772 Oh, I can't just walk up to a god like that. 57 00:02:48,856 --> 00:02:50,649 Well, then find a subtler way. 58 00:02:50,733 --> 00:02:53,527 In your vernacular, that would be what? To slingshot your panties 59 00:02:53,611 --> 00:02:54,904 across the street? 60 00:02:54,988 --> 00:02:58,117 -Foam blower. -All right, all right, you two. 61 00:02:59,618 --> 00:03:01,168 Niles, she happens to be right. 62 00:03:01,579 --> 00:03:03,998 How often do you get an opportunity like this? Let's go. 63 00:03:04,082 --> 00:03:05,792 All right. 64 00:03:05,876 --> 00:03:07,835 -Come on, we're going. -Why? What's the rush? 65 00:03:07,919 --> 00:03:09,880 -T.H. Houghton is across the street. -Who? 66 00:03:09,964 --> 00:03:13,114 -Come on, let's… Let's go! -MARTIN: Hey, guy with a cane here! 67 00:03:22,479 --> 00:03:24,940 Niles, I thought you said you saw Houghton come in here. 68 00:03:25,024 --> 00:03:27,985 Well, I'm sorry if my tracking skills aren't up to your standard. 69 00:03:28,069 --> 00:03:29,779 Instead of asking for a baby brother, 70 00:03:29,863 --> 00:03:32,616 you should have asked for a German short-haired pointer. 71 00:03:33,159 --> 00:03:34,076 I did. 72 00:03:35,745 --> 00:03:37,538 Well, I'm sorry. 73 00:03:37,622 --> 00:03:39,207 He must still be out on the street. 74 00:03:39,291 --> 00:03:41,167 I'm parking it. They got the Mariners on. 75 00:03:41,251 --> 00:03:43,796 -Please, we can't waste time. -Let him be. He's deadweight. 76 00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:45,048 FRASIER: Right. 77 00:03:48,803 --> 00:03:51,472 -What's the score? -Four to three, Mariners. 78 00:03:52,848 --> 00:03:54,434 BOTH: Aw! 79 00:03:55,101 --> 00:03:58,272 -How could he miss the cut-off man? -That man makes 7 million a year. 80 00:03:58,356 --> 00:03:59,815 -It's crazy. -Yeah. 81 00:03:59,899 --> 00:04:03,362 See him scratching his butt? That's about 5 grand right there. 82 00:04:04,321 --> 00:04:07,115 -Let me have a Ballantine's. -Yeah, make it two. 83 00:04:07,199 --> 00:04:09,244 BOTH: Aw! 84 00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:14,249 So that's your favorite character? 85 00:04:14,333 --> 00:04:15,584 -Really? -Yeah. 86 00:04:15,668 --> 00:04:19,172 Yeah, I really like him. The kind of guy you can just sit and have a beer with. 87 00:04:19,256 --> 00:04:23,511 Well, I could see you saying that about Hoss, but Little Joe? 88 00:04:24,428 --> 00:04:27,428 That's the great thing about Bonanza. Something for everyone. 89 00:04:29,309 --> 00:04:31,561 Well, thank you, Mr. False Alarm. 90 00:04:31,645 --> 00:04:33,731 "Oh, look, there he is, over at the yogurt store!" 91 00:04:33,815 --> 00:04:35,983 "Oh, look, there he is, in the futon store!" 92 00:04:36,067 --> 00:04:38,027 "Oh, look, there he is with Dad!" 93 00:04:39,697 --> 00:04:41,364 NILES: And now he's leaving. 94 00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:43,409 I must tell him what an impact his book has made. 95 00:04:43,493 --> 00:04:45,161 Aren't you afraid it'll sound unoriginal? 96 00:04:45,245 --> 00:04:46,579 -Why? -I'm gonna say it first. 97 00:04:46,663 --> 00:04:48,457 -MAN: Excuse me, Mr. Houghton? -Yeah? 98 00:04:48,541 --> 00:04:53,045 -I just wanted to tell you that… -My book changed your life. Swell. 99 00:04:53,129 --> 00:04:55,465 -No, no, but I… -it changed mine too. Look, I'm sorry. 100 00:04:55,549 --> 00:04:57,926 I don't like to discuss my work. 101 00:05:00,722 --> 00:05:02,598 Well, that was humiliating. 102 00:05:02,682 --> 00:05:04,559 I've never felt so rejected in my life. 103 00:05:04,643 --> 00:05:06,102 Now, now, don't take it so hard. 104 00:05:06,186 --> 00:05:07,729 Who was to know he was so sensitive? 105 00:05:07,813 --> 00:05:11,663 -Aren't you Dr. Crane from the radio? -Not now, haven't got the time, sorry. 106 00:05:12,819 --> 00:05:14,863 Do you realize who you were just talking to? 107 00:05:14,947 --> 00:05:16,824 -That was T.H. Houghton. -Yeah, I know. 108 00:05:16,908 --> 00:05:19,160 Well, well, well, what did you two talk about? 109 00:05:19,244 --> 00:05:21,746 -Oh, I don't know. This and that. -FRASIER: Dad, 110 00:05:21,830 --> 00:05:24,041 virtually nothing is known about this man. 111 00:05:24,125 --> 00:05:25,751 Can't you give us something specific? 112 00:05:25,835 --> 00:05:30,340 Well, it was just guy stuff, you know. Baseball, TV shows, old war stories… 113 00:05:30,424 --> 00:05:31,967 -He told war stories? -No, I did. 114 00:05:32,051 --> 00:05:34,804 You know, about the time I made the stew and the platoon got sick. 115 00:05:34,888 --> 00:05:36,722 Dad, how could you? 116 00:05:36,806 --> 00:05:38,475 What? He liked it. 117 00:05:38,559 --> 00:05:41,019 He's a nice guy. I think maybe I'll buy one of his books. 118 00:05:41,103 --> 00:05:44,566 Not books, Dad. Book. 119 00:05:44,650 --> 00:05:45,817 Book. 120 00:05:45,901 --> 00:05:48,779 He wrote one book and never wrote again. 121 00:05:48,863 --> 00:05:51,740 If only we'd arrived ten minutes earlier, we could've talked to him. 122 00:05:51,824 --> 00:05:54,202 We could have explored that mammoth intellect. 123 00:05:54,286 --> 00:05:58,248 Can you imagine the torture the man's endured, to peak at such an early age? 124 00:05:58,332 --> 00:06:01,210 Oh, my God, Frasier, look. It's a doodle! 125 00:06:01,294 --> 00:06:03,004 Not just any doodle, a Houghton doodle. 126 00:06:03,088 --> 00:06:04,214 -It's mine! -No, mine! 127 00:06:04,298 --> 00:06:06,008 -It's mine. -Dad, what do you care? 128 00:06:06,092 --> 00:06:07,301 No, I mean I drew it. 129 00:06:10,806 --> 00:06:12,557 That's very touching. This is for you. 130 00:06:12,641 --> 00:06:14,018 Bye-bye. 131 00:06:16,104 --> 00:06:18,188 I don't know when I've enjoyed an exhibit more. 132 00:06:18,272 --> 00:06:22,027 The artist's choice to make that a monochrome was a stroke of genius. 133 00:06:22,111 --> 00:06:24,363 -It conveyed such despair. -FRASIER: Yes. 134 00:06:24,447 --> 00:06:27,367 It was so refreshing to see a sad peach. 135 00:06:28,159 --> 00:06:29,661 How about that curator? 136 00:06:29,745 --> 00:06:31,345 She was kind of a peach herself. 137 00:06:31,956 --> 00:06:34,606 -No Cubism there, I don't think. -No, certainly not. 138 00:06:35,877 --> 00:06:37,879 -MARTIN: Hey, boys. -BOTH: Oh, hi, Dad. 139 00:06:38,840 --> 00:06:41,008 Oh, Ted. Ted, I'd like you to meet my sons. 140 00:06:41,092 --> 00:06:43,135 This is Frasier and Niles. They're big fans. 141 00:06:43,219 --> 00:06:45,096 -Hi, guys. -FRASIER: Mr. Houghton… 142 00:06:45,180 --> 00:06:46,724 We… 143 00:06:47,349 --> 00:06:49,352 Words can't express… 144 00:06:49,436 --> 00:06:51,062 I guess not. 145 00:06:52,939 --> 00:06:54,650 Nice meeting you fellas. 146 00:06:55,735 --> 00:06:59,781 Oh, my God, we missed him again! 147 00:06:59,865 --> 00:07:01,407 -What's going on? -That's odd. 148 00:07:01,491 --> 00:07:03,118 So where are you two going? 149 00:07:04,829 --> 00:07:07,665 Well, Ted's taking me out to this bratwurst place he knows. 150 00:07:07,749 --> 00:07:10,711 Bratwurst? Yummy. My God, that's our favorite. 151 00:07:11,295 --> 00:07:12,755 Nice meeting you. 152 00:07:15,717 --> 00:07:18,386 -What's wrong with this thing? -NILES: Well, it could be broken. 153 00:07:18,470 --> 00:07:20,764 If you came in to the apartment, we'll call the front… 154 00:07:20,848 --> 00:07:24,644 No! I'm sure it'll work this time. 155 00:07:29,817 --> 00:07:31,778 What the hell was he doing here? 156 00:07:33,112 --> 00:07:35,490 We might know if you hadn't spent an hour 157 00:07:35,574 --> 00:07:37,910 pondering the despair of the peach. 158 00:07:38,912 --> 00:07:40,329 From the man who spent 30 minutes 159 00:07:40,413 --> 00:07:43,416 looking at Woman with a Rectangular Head. 160 00:07:43,500 --> 00:07:46,045 Oh, was Mrs. Foster in the lobby again? 161 00:07:46,629 --> 00:07:47,879 No, Daphne. 162 00:07:47,963 --> 00:07:49,257 Could you explain to me 163 00:07:49,341 --> 00:07:52,218 just how T.H. Houghton ended up in my apartment? 164 00:07:52,302 --> 00:07:54,471 Well, he's only in town for a couple of days, 165 00:07:54,555 --> 00:07:56,348 and he doesn't know too many people, 166 00:07:56,432 --> 00:07:58,727 so he looked your father up, gave him a ring, 167 00:07:58,811 --> 00:08:02,022 and Mr. Crane invited him over to watch the Mariners game. 168 00:08:02,981 --> 00:08:04,817 -He was here all afternoon? -DAPHNE: Yes. 169 00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:06,944 Oh, it's a shame you couldn't be here, 170 00:08:07,028 --> 00:08:10,157 because he told the most fascinating stories. 171 00:08:10,241 --> 00:08:13,786 And, of course, he and your father are getting on like old chums. 172 00:08:13,870 --> 00:08:16,373 But the sweetest thing was how he took to Eddie. 173 00:08:19,919 --> 00:08:21,920 He… He spent time with Eddie? 174 00:08:22,004 --> 00:08:23,589 Fed him his afternoon biscuit. 175 00:08:23,673 --> 00:08:25,925 -FRASIER: Will the madness never end! -NILES: Oh, now, now. 176 00:08:26,009 --> 00:08:29,138 Let's not give up hope. Maybe Dad'll bring him back after dinner. 177 00:08:29,222 --> 00:08:31,307 Oh, well, I doubt it. 178 00:08:31,391 --> 00:08:34,519 They'll probably run into J.D. Salinger and Salman Rushdie 179 00:08:34,603 --> 00:08:36,272 and go out for margaritas. 180 00:08:38,399 --> 00:08:41,110 I tell you, Niles, these near misses, they're just excruciating. 181 00:08:41,194 --> 00:08:42,278 [DAPHNE LAUGHING] 182 00:08:42,362 --> 00:08:45,366 DAPHNE: There you go, Mr. Houghton. You're welcome. 183 00:08:47,243 --> 00:08:49,579 -Was that him? -Yes, he forgot his coat. 184 00:08:49,663 --> 00:08:51,331 FRASIER: Make way, Daphne! 185 00:08:55,461 --> 00:08:57,547 We missed him again. 186 00:09:01,969 --> 00:09:05,807 Don't you dare gloat, you miserable little biscuit whore. 187 00:09:17,863 --> 00:09:19,073 [BARKING] 188 00:09:19,699 --> 00:09:21,117 Thanks, Eddie. 189 00:09:34,008 --> 00:09:36,176 -Afternoon, Daphne. -Hello. 190 00:09:36,260 --> 00:09:38,012 Good dog. 191 00:09:40,182 --> 00:09:43,226 Oh, Dr. Crane, it's a good thing you're home. 192 00:09:43,310 --> 00:09:47,189 Mr. Houghton's dropping by to pick up your father for the Mariners game. 193 00:09:47,273 --> 00:09:51,073 -Are you serious? He's coming back? -Yes, any minute. It's a doubleheader. 194 00:09:52,112 --> 00:09:54,324 -They play two games. -Oh, right. 195 00:09:56,743 --> 00:09:59,079 But this is… This is incredibly good fortune for me. 196 00:09:59,163 --> 00:10:02,416 I'll finally get to spend some time alone with the man, even for a few minutes. 197 00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:03,876 [DOORBELL RINGS] 198 00:10:04,628 --> 00:10:06,588 Daphne, be a dear and stall Dad, will you. 199 00:10:06,672 --> 00:10:09,133 If he gives you any trouble, just hide his cane. 200 00:10:10,510 --> 00:10:11,844 Niles! 201 00:10:11,928 --> 00:10:13,888 What fortuitous timing. 202 00:10:13,972 --> 00:10:15,515 The wine shop called a moment ago. 203 00:10:15,599 --> 00:10:18,185 They're down to their last cases of the '82 Chambolle-Musigny. 204 00:10:18,269 --> 00:10:20,730 Why don't you dash down before somebody snaps it all up. 205 00:10:20,814 --> 00:10:22,941 Bless you, Frasier. Hold it. 206 00:10:26,696 --> 00:10:30,242 You know very well that in 1982, there was a drought in Bourgogne. 207 00:10:33,078 --> 00:10:35,665 The locals dubbed it the "Year of the Raisin." 208 00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:42,089 And that wine was never sold by the case, only by the bottle. 209 00:10:43,674 --> 00:10:45,969 T.H. Houghton is here, isn't he? 210 00:10:47,304 --> 00:10:49,014 -No. -Fine. 211 00:10:49,098 --> 00:10:52,476 Then you won't mind if I just hang around for a while. 212 00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:54,562 Oh, all right. He's on his way. 213 00:10:54,646 --> 00:10:56,731 He and Dad are going to a baseball game. 214 00:10:56,815 --> 00:10:58,150 It's a doubleheader. 215 00:10:59,235 --> 00:11:00,737 They play two games. 216 00:11:03,740 --> 00:11:04,824 Oh, hi, Niles. 217 00:11:04,908 --> 00:11:08,286 Oh, Dad, so I hear that Mr. Houghton is on his way over. 218 00:11:08,370 --> 00:11:09,956 Maybe we could all have lunch. 219 00:11:10,040 --> 00:11:12,667 -That's a splendid idea. -No, the game starts in 45 minutes. 220 00:11:12,751 --> 00:11:14,753 Perhaps you could come by after for a drink. 221 00:11:14,837 --> 00:11:16,964 No, sorry, that won't work either. 222 00:11:17,048 --> 00:11:19,798 He's gotta go to his publisher's, drop off his new book. 223 00:11:21,553 --> 00:11:22,679 Houghton has a new book? 224 00:11:22,763 --> 00:11:24,974 I've lost the feeling in my legs. 225 00:11:29,855 --> 00:11:33,108 Well, did he say anything about it? I mean, the characters, the setting? 226 00:11:33,192 --> 00:11:35,987 -No, he just said it was a book. -Dad. 227 00:11:36,071 --> 00:11:37,321 You have to skip the game. 228 00:11:37,405 --> 00:11:38,698 It's not just for our benefit. 229 00:11:38,782 --> 00:11:42,160 After all this baseball, the man must be starved for intellectual stimulation. 230 00:11:42,244 --> 00:11:43,328 I know what you're saying. 231 00:11:43,412 --> 00:11:45,832 That someone like that would prefer to spend time with you 232 00:11:45,916 --> 00:11:47,875 instead of some dumbbell like me. 233 00:11:47,959 --> 00:11:50,509 Dad, you're not dumb. You missed the point entirely. 234 00:11:50,880 --> 00:11:53,215 Let's just say, for example, you came home one afternoon 235 00:11:53,299 --> 00:11:55,510 and I was sitting here discussing literature with, 236 00:11:55,594 --> 00:11:57,637 I don't know, give me the name of a player. 237 00:11:57,721 --> 00:12:00,350 -Darryl Strawberry. -No, a real one! 238 00:12:01,726 --> 00:12:03,811 Frasier, the problem is you push too hard. 239 00:12:03,895 --> 00:12:06,732 We just talk sports, have a few laughs. That's all. 240 00:12:06,816 --> 00:12:07,858 [DOORBELL RINGING] 241 00:12:07,942 --> 00:12:10,028 You know, I never ask him about his work. 242 00:12:10,112 --> 00:12:12,447 That's probably why he told me about the book. 243 00:12:16,411 --> 00:12:18,704 -Mr. Houghton, hello. -Hi, how you doing? 244 00:12:18,788 --> 00:12:20,791 -Hey, Ted, come on in. -HOUGHTON: Fine. 245 00:12:21,375 --> 00:12:23,752 FRASIER: So you two boys are off to the baseball game, huh? 246 00:12:23,836 --> 00:12:25,379 Doubleheader. 247 00:12:25,463 --> 00:12:26,756 That's two games. 248 00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:31,178 Yeah. 249 00:12:32,096 --> 00:12:34,056 Little-known fact about baseball. 250 00:12:34,140 --> 00:12:38,728 The owner of the Boston Red Sox sold Babe Ruth to the New York Yankees 251 00:12:38,812 --> 00:12:42,483 to finance a Broadway musical, No, No, Nanette. 252 00:12:45,529 --> 00:12:47,906 -You ready, Marty? -Let's go. 253 00:12:49,116 --> 00:12:51,202 Well, I really enjoyed chatting with you. 254 00:12:51,286 --> 00:12:54,886 If you'd drop back by after the game, we could pick up where we left off. 255 00:12:56,250 --> 00:12:58,169 No, No, Nanette? 256 00:13:01,047 --> 00:13:03,049 NILES: I'm sorry, there were exactly two things 257 00:13:03,133 --> 00:13:05,511 I could possibly add to a baseball conversation. 258 00:13:05,595 --> 00:13:07,304 That and… 259 00:13:07,388 --> 00:13:08,806 No, just the one. 260 00:13:13,437 --> 00:13:15,689 -Frasier? -Yes. 261 00:13:15,773 --> 00:13:19,193 Have you noticed how Houghton carries a satchel with him wherever he goes? 262 00:13:19,277 --> 00:13:22,155 Well, actually, as a matter of fact, I have, yes. 263 00:13:22,239 --> 00:13:24,992 Didn't Dad mention that Houghton was on his way to his publisher's 264 00:13:25,076 --> 00:13:27,370 after the game with a new manuscript? 265 00:13:27,454 --> 00:13:28,579 Yes. 266 00:13:28,663 --> 00:13:32,313 Wouldn't that be the very same satchel which is now resting under my head? 267 00:13:33,461 --> 00:13:34,963 Oh, my God! 268 00:13:36,256 --> 00:13:38,300 -Wait! -Should we? 269 00:13:38,926 --> 00:13:40,219 We shouldn't. 270 00:13:40,303 --> 00:13:42,596 -Could we live with ourselves if we did? -Could we if we didn't? 271 00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:44,474 Could we live either way? 272 00:13:44,558 --> 00:13:46,393 Oh, stop it, Niles! 273 00:13:46,477 --> 00:13:48,270 Oh, who are we kidding? All right. 274 00:13:48,354 --> 00:13:50,482 Careful, careful, careful. 275 00:14:02,996 --> 00:14:07,126 "The Chameleon's Song by T.H. Houghton." 276 00:14:09,420 --> 00:14:11,339 These are handwritten corrections. 277 00:14:11,423 --> 00:14:14,301 Frasier, this is his original manuscript. 278 00:14:14,385 --> 00:14:16,555 Shame on you! 279 00:14:18,265 --> 00:14:21,643 Going through someone else's personal property. 280 00:14:21,727 --> 00:14:23,896 Well, it's just plain wrong. 281 00:14:23,980 --> 00:14:25,940 And I know your father wouldn't approve. 282 00:14:26,024 --> 00:14:28,651 Of course, I wouldn't be here to tell him if I had the day off. 283 00:14:28,735 --> 00:14:30,697 -Fine, go. -Oh, great. 284 00:14:34,910 --> 00:14:38,622 Of course, having a day off is pretty meaningless 285 00:14:38,706 --> 00:14:40,666 when you have no money to, you know, 286 00:14:40,750 --> 00:14:44,003 maybe go to lunch or do some shopping. 287 00:14:44,087 --> 00:14:48,092 Perhaps take in a show… oh, thanks. 288 00:14:50,721 --> 00:14:53,723 -All right, Niles, shall we? -Not yet. 289 00:14:53,807 --> 00:14:56,227 -The atmosphere has to be perfect. -Good point, yes. 290 00:14:56,311 --> 00:14:58,604 Let's begin with the lighting. 291 00:14:58,688 --> 00:15:00,524 All right, just say when. 292 00:15:02,109 --> 00:15:03,777 Warmer. 293 00:15:04,486 --> 00:15:05,905 Warmer. 294 00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:08,158 A little cooler. 295 00:15:08,950 --> 00:15:10,702 A touch warmer. 296 00:15:10,786 --> 00:15:12,579 A hair back. 297 00:15:12,663 --> 00:15:15,750 No, no, just… No, a hair the other way. 298 00:15:15,834 --> 00:15:18,420 No, a touch warmer. 299 00:15:20,548 --> 00:15:21,883 -Perfect. -Good. 300 00:15:26,096 --> 00:15:29,809 Excellent, excellent. What wine would most enhance the experience? 301 00:15:29,893 --> 00:15:32,520 No, Niles. Wine might dull our faculties. 302 00:15:32,604 --> 00:15:37,693 Perhaps instead a slow-sipping cordial would be the proper garnish. 303 00:15:37,777 --> 00:15:39,946 -Sherry. -Armagnac. 304 00:15:40,530 --> 00:15:43,450 Oh, well, see? That's why you're the older brother. 305 00:15:53,462 --> 00:15:54,755 [FRASIER SIGHS] 306 00:15:54,839 --> 00:15:57,425 -What is it? -I don't think you're there yet. 307 00:16:01,430 --> 00:16:02,556 [SIGHS] 308 00:16:17,366 --> 00:16:18,742 [SIGHS] 309 00:16:22,914 --> 00:16:24,374 [SIGHS] 310 00:16:27,128 --> 00:16:28,462 Well, it's a masterpiece. 311 00:16:28,546 --> 00:16:29,671 [BARKS] 312 00:16:29,755 --> 00:16:31,549 Eddie. 313 00:16:31,633 --> 00:16:33,384 I never thought I'd utter these words, 314 00:16:33,468 --> 00:16:37,014 but it actually surpasses Time Flies Tomorrow. 315 00:16:37,098 --> 00:16:38,390 [BARKING] 316 00:16:38,474 --> 00:16:39,767 Eddie, please! 317 00:16:40,602 --> 00:16:42,271 We're trying to savor the moment. 318 00:16:54,869 --> 00:16:56,496 How was the game? 319 00:16:58,540 --> 00:16:59,749 Is that my manuscript? 320 00:16:59,833 --> 00:17:01,335 What the hell's going on? 321 00:17:01,419 --> 00:17:03,045 HOUGHTON: You went through my bag? 322 00:17:03,129 --> 00:17:06,341 -That's my personal property. -I don't believe you two. 323 00:17:07,301 --> 00:17:11,180 Mr. Houghton, we… We are terribly, terribly sorry. 324 00:17:11,264 --> 00:17:13,182 The temptation to read it was just too great. 325 00:17:13,266 --> 00:17:15,060 Oh, what's that supposed to mean? 326 00:17:15,144 --> 00:17:17,479 You're grown men, at least I thought you were. 327 00:17:17,563 --> 00:17:19,856 You had no right to touch that. 328 00:17:19,940 --> 00:17:22,485 Ted, I'm sorry. I'm just so ashamed. 329 00:17:22,569 --> 00:17:24,570 -Now, it's all right. -No, it's not all right. 330 00:17:24,654 --> 00:17:26,573 No, no, it's okay, really. 331 00:17:26,657 --> 00:17:28,910 Somebody had to read it first. 332 00:17:30,036 --> 00:17:33,040 So, what did you think? 333 00:17:33,749 --> 00:17:35,918 -Of the book? -No, of my typing. 334 00:17:36,002 --> 00:17:37,629 Yes, of course, the book. 335 00:17:42,426 --> 00:17:43,636 It was great. 336 00:17:45,012 --> 00:17:46,306 Wow. 337 00:17:48,141 --> 00:17:51,562 Well, at least you liked it. I'm gonna have to be running. 338 00:17:51,646 --> 00:17:53,522 Are you sure? I was gonna make some coffee. 339 00:17:53,606 --> 00:17:55,817 No, no, I got an appointment. Can I use the… 340 00:17:55,901 --> 00:17:57,778 -It's right here. -HOUGHTON: Okay. 341 00:18:00,323 --> 00:18:02,450 Boy, I've had it with you guys. 342 00:18:02,534 --> 00:18:04,535 If you were Hoss and Little Joe, 343 00:18:04,619 --> 00:18:08,958 Ben Cartwright would kick your sorry butts right off the Ponderosa! 344 00:18:10,293 --> 00:18:11,711 Dad. 345 00:18:14,673 --> 00:18:16,216 Dad, we're sorry. 346 00:18:16,300 --> 00:18:17,593 Very sorry. 347 00:18:22,057 --> 00:18:24,059 He's back on the Cartwrights again. 348 00:18:25,143 --> 00:18:28,606 You know, someday we really should ask him just who the hell they are. 349 00:18:30,860 --> 00:18:34,863 You know, Niles, one thing just really bugs me. 350 00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:38,326 Houghton's gonna leave thinking we're just a couple of inarticulate simpletons. 351 00:18:38,410 --> 00:18:41,079 What were those pithy comments we made about his masterpiece? 352 00:18:41,163 --> 00:18:43,540 -"It was great." -BOTH: "Wow." 353 00:18:43,624 --> 00:18:47,128 Yes, we'll go down in history with the same boob who first read Hamlet, 354 00:18:47,212 --> 00:18:50,800 then told Shakespeare, "My goodness, what a parchment-turner!" 355 00:18:52,343 --> 00:18:54,762 Well, it's not too late. He hasn't left yet. 356 00:18:55,389 --> 00:18:58,016 Yes, yes, we could still say something to show him 357 00:18:58,100 --> 00:19:00,937 that we appreciated the full complexity of his work. 358 00:19:03,231 --> 00:19:05,859 Mr. Houghton, you know, there is one further thing 359 00:19:05,943 --> 00:19:08,278 -I'd like to add about your book. -Yeah. 360 00:19:08,362 --> 00:19:11,074 Well, it's the way you modulated into the second-person narrative 361 00:19:11,158 --> 00:19:15,161 during the flashback scene. Frankly, beggars anything Faulkner attempted. 362 00:19:15,245 --> 00:19:17,290 Really? That's very flattering. 363 00:19:17,999 --> 00:19:19,709 Oh, wait, I have one too. 364 00:19:20,544 --> 00:19:22,254 The way you so skillfully mirrored 365 00:19:22,338 --> 00:19:24,923 the structure of Dante's Divine Comedy was inspired. 366 00:19:25,007 --> 00:19:26,259 Really? 367 00:19:26,343 --> 00:19:28,344 FRASIER: Yes, from the inferno of the bordello… 368 00:19:28,428 --> 00:19:31,223 NILES: Which, we noticed, had exactly nine rooms. 369 00:19:31,307 --> 00:19:34,142 …to the purgatory of the assembly line, 370 00:19:34,226 --> 00:19:37,731 and finally to the paradise of the farm. 371 00:19:38,523 --> 00:19:39,983 You both saw that? 372 00:19:40,067 --> 00:19:41,777 Oh, it practically jumped off the page. 373 00:19:41,861 --> 00:19:44,405 Well, that's very perceptive of you. 374 00:19:44,489 --> 00:19:47,033 Well, thank you. I guess it's our turn to be flattered. 375 00:19:47,117 --> 00:19:49,369 You're absolutely right. 376 00:19:49,453 --> 00:19:52,206 This whole book is crap. 377 00:19:52,290 --> 00:19:53,499 Beg your pardon? 378 00:19:53,583 --> 00:19:55,001 How could I be so blind? 379 00:19:55,085 --> 00:19:58,422 I lifted the entire structure from Dante! 380 00:19:58,965 --> 00:20:01,801 -You mean you weren't going for that? -Of course not! 381 00:20:01,885 --> 00:20:04,095 This confirms my worst fear. 382 00:20:04,179 --> 00:20:06,599 I have nothing original left to say. 383 00:20:06,683 --> 00:20:08,225 I'm an empty shell. 384 00:20:08,309 --> 00:20:10,770 I was a fool to think I had a second book in me! 385 00:20:10,854 --> 00:20:13,440 "The winters were harsh on the farm." 386 00:20:13,524 --> 00:20:16,903 Well, here's something to warm them up! 387 00:20:16,987 --> 00:20:18,738 MARTIN: What's going on here? 388 00:20:18,822 --> 00:20:20,031 You're both right. 389 00:20:20,115 --> 00:20:22,451 I'm a talentless hack who got lucky once. 390 00:20:22,535 --> 00:20:24,953 -We didn't say that! -You're not listening to them? 391 00:20:25,037 --> 00:20:27,665 -Look at this trash! It won't burn! -It's a fireplace, you see. 392 00:20:27,749 --> 00:20:30,962 -It's not well ventilated. -This doesn't belong in a fireplace. 393 00:20:31,629 --> 00:20:35,299 It belongs in the gutter, with the rest of society's garbage! 394 00:20:35,383 --> 00:20:37,719 -FRASIER: Wait. No, no… -MARTIN: Ted, don't do that! 395 00:20:37,803 --> 00:20:40,557 -Ted, no! Don't do it! -NILES: No, Mr. Houghton… 396 00:20:46,981 --> 00:20:48,815 I want to thank you two. 397 00:20:48,899 --> 00:20:52,528 If I had published that book, my reputation would have been destroyed. 398 00:20:52,612 --> 00:20:56,075 At least now I'm left with a shred of dignity. 399 00:20:59,162 --> 00:21:00,538 No. 400 00:21:01,123 --> 00:21:02,624 MARTIN: Happy? 401 00:21:02,708 --> 00:21:04,376 Hey, Ted, wait up! 402 00:21:13,304 --> 00:21:16,475 Well, we've destroyed a man's life. 403 00:21:17,059 --> 00:21:21,355 Not to mention depriving future generations of a work of art. 404 00:21:21,439 --> 00:21:23,899 Yes, well, on the other hand, had he actually published it, 405 00:21:23,983 --> 00:21:27,404 the critics surely would've noticed that Dante parallel. 406 00:21:28,947 --> 00:21:31,367 If he felt bad now, imagine how he would've felt reading it 407 00:21:31,451 --> 00:21:34,161 -in The New York Review of Books. -Oh, God, yes. 408 00:21:34,245 --> 00:21:37,165 Given his fragile ego, my God, he would've been devastated. 409 00:21:37,249 --> 00:21:39,126 Who knows what he might have done. 410 00:21:40,628 --> 00:21:42,255 Do you know, Niles, 411 00:21:42,798 --> 00:21:44,549 we saved that man's life. 412 00:21:46,010 --> 00:21:48,012 Yes, I think you're right. 413 00:21:49,639 --> 00:21:52,101 -On the other hand… -Don't go there. 414 00:21:55,395 --> 00:21:57,732 See, that's why you're the older brother.