1
00:00:10,457 --> 00:00:13,461
Is it me or is the foam a tad dense today?
2
00:00:13,545 --> 00:00:16,464
Like a dreary fog on a Scottish moor.
3
00:00:16,548 --> 00:00:19,092
Rather than accent, it overwhelms.
4
00:00:19,176 --> 00:00:21,553
Rather than flirt, it assaults.
5
00:00:21,637 --> 00:00:25,267
Rather than watching the ball
game, I have to listen to this.
6
00:00:27,018 --> 00:00:28,479
-ROZ: Hey, you guys.
-Hey, Roz.
7
00:00:28,563 --> 00:00:29,855
-Like to join us?
-Oh, yes.
8
00:00:29,939 --> 00:00:33,610
Frasier, listen, don't forget your
staff meeting tomorrow. It starts at…
9
00:00:35,612 --> 00:00:39,612
Well, I certainly hope his tailor can fix
the holes you just burnt in his jacket.
10
00:00:40,326 --> 00:00:42,078
They're not in his jacket.
11
00:00:43,372 --> 00:00:45,248
-It starts tomorrow at 10:00.
-Thank you.
12
00:00:45,332 --> 00:00:46,958
Hey, Marty, what are you doing here?
13
00:00:47,042 --> 00:00:49,504
They're dragging me out
to buy some new clothes.
14
00:00:49,588 --> 00:00:51,923
We're taking him to
Rudolfo's once-a-year sale.
15
00:00:52,007 --> 00:00:54,051
It's 50 percent off.
The alterations are free.
16
00:00:54,135 --> 00:00:56,303
Big deal.
Butz Clothiers, they do that every day.
17
00:00:56,387 --> 00:01:00,892
Yes, not to mention the convenience
of getting your pizza right next door.
18
00:01:00,976 --> 00:01:03,103
These guys think I
have bad taste in clothes.
19
00:01:03,187 --> 00:01:04,522
I like the way you dress.
20
00:01:04,606 --> 00:01:07,006
That's what's called the "clincher."
Shall we go?
21
00:01:08,027 --> 00:01:11,780
All right. Well, I'll just hit the
head, and we can get it over with.
22
00:01:11,864 --> 00:01:13,616
Dad, you could show more enthusiasm.
23
00:01:13,700 --> 00:01:14,867
-Yeah.
-MARTIN: Okay.
24
00:01:14,951 --> 00:01:18,251
Gee, I can't wait to hit the head,
and we can get it all over with!
25
00:01:22,710 --> 00:01:24,754
Are you finished undressing
him with your eyes?
26
00:01:24,838 --> 00:01:26,714
Please.
I'm already looking for my stockings
27
00:01:26,798 --> 00:01:29,469
and trying to remember
where I parked my car.
28
00:01:30,678 --> 00:01:32,722
I would have thought
that gentleman over there
29
00:01:32,806 --> 00:01:34,724
in the flannel shirt
would be more your type.
30
00:01:34,808 --> 00:01:37,394
Him? Not a chance.
31
00:01:37,478 --> 00:01:39,397
See the way he's
slurping his orange juice?
32
00:01:39,481 --> 00:01:40,857
Sloppy kisser.
33
00:01:41,566 --> 00:01:44,111
Now, you can tell right away
the guy is no good in bed.
34
00:01:44,195 --> 00:01:45,862
He's so cautious.
35
00:01:45,946 --> 00:01:48,283
Look at the way he's
blowing on his coffee.
36
00:01:56,209 --> 00:02:00,005
I wasn't trying to cool it, I was
simply blowing a foam hole.
37
00:02:00,631 --> 00:02:02,758
You don't even wrinkle the sheets, do you?
38
00:02:04,010 --> 00:02:07,263
Niles, that man across
the street at the news stand.
39
00:02:07,347 --> 00:02:08,807
Is that who I think it is?
40
00:02:08,891 --> 00:02:10,350
He does look familiar.
41
00:02:10,434 --> 00:02:12,519
-It's T.H. Houghton.
-No!
42
00:02:12,603 --> 00:02:15,773
Just think back to the picture on the
dust cover of his Time Flies Tomorrow.
43
00:02:15,857 --> 00:02:18,193
-A little older, grayer…
-Yeah, Time Flies Tomorrow.
44
00:02:18,277 --> 00:02:19,445
I read that in high school.
45
00:02:19,529 --> 00:02:21,363
-What else did he write?
-FRASIER: Nothing.
46
00:02:21,447 --> 00:02:24,326
That's the crux of his legend.
The man published one masterpiece,
47
00:02:24,410 --> 00:02:27,078
and in the 30 years since,
he's become a virtual recluse.
48
00:02:27,162 --> 00:02:30,499
-Oh, my God. It is T.H. Houghton.
-Yes.
49
00:02:30,583 --> 00:02:33,629
We're a stone's throw away
from one of the giants of literature.
50
00:02:33,713 --> 00:02:35,464
Not the way you throw.
51
00:02:36,549 --> 00:02:38,092
Oh, Niles, this is incredible.
52
00:02:38,176 --> 00:02:41,346
My God, the man's entire life is
shrouded in mystery, yet there he is.
53
00:02:41,430 --> 00:02:42,722
I've always idolized him.
54
00:02:42,806 --> 00:02:44,642
What I wouldn't give to meet that man.
55
00:02:44,726 --> 00:02:46,352
Why don't you go introduce yourself.
56
00:02:46,436 --> 00:02:48,772
Oh, I can't just walk
up to a god like that.
57
00:02:48,856 --> 00:02:50,649
Well, then find a subtler way.
58
00:02:50,733 --> 00:02:53,527
In your vernacular, that would be what?
To slingshot your panties
59
00:02:53,611 --> 00:02:54,904
across the street?
60
00:02:54,988 --> 00:02:58,117
-Foam blower.
-All right, all right, you two.
61
00:02:59,618 --> 00:03:01,168
Niles, she happens to be right.
62
00:03:01,579 --> 00:03:03,998
How often do you get an
opportunity like this? Let's go.
63
00:03:04,082 --> 00:03:05,792
All right.
64
00:03:05,876 --> 00:03:07,835
-Come on, we're going.
-Why? What's the rush?
65
00:03:07,919 --> 00:03:09,880
-T.H. Houghton is across the street.
-Who?
66
00:03:09,964 --> 00:03:13,114
-Come on, let's… Let's go!
-MARTIN: Hey, guy with a cane here!
67
00:03:22,479 --> 00:03:24,940
Niles, I thought you said you
saw Houghton come in here.
68
00:03:25,024 --> 00:03:27,985
Well, I'm sorry if my tracking
skills aren't up to your standard.
69
00:03:28,069 --> 00:03:29,779
Instead of asking for a baby brother,
70
00:03:29,863 --> 00:03:32,616
you should have asked for a
German short-haired pointer.
71
00:03:33,159 --> 00:03:34,076
I did.
72
00:03:35,745 --> 00:03:37,538
Well, I'm sorry.
73
00:03:37,622 --> 00:03:39,207
He must still be out on the street.
74
00:03:39,291 --> 00:03:41,167
I'm parking it. They got the Mariners on.
75
00:03:41,251 --> 00:03:43,796
-Please, we can't waste time.
-Let him be. He's deadweight.
76
00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:45,048
FRASIER: Right.
77
00:03:48,803 --> 00:03:51,472
-What's the score?
-Four to three, Mariners.
78
00:03:52,848 --> 00:03:54,434
BOTH: Aw!
79
00:03:55,101 --> 00:03:58,272
-How could he miss the cut-off man?
-That man makes 7 million a year.
80
00:03:58,356 --> 00:03:59,815
-It's crazy.
-Yeah.
81
00:03:59,899 --> 00:04:03,362
See him scratching his butt?
That's about 5 grand right there.
82
00:04:04,321 --> 00:04:07,115
-Let me have a Ballantine's.
-Yeah, make it two.
83
00:04:07,199 --> 00:04:09,244
BOTH: Aw!
84
00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:14,249
So that's your favorite character?
85
00:04:14,333 --> 00:04:15,584
-Really?
-Yeah.
86
00:04:15,668 --> 00:04:19,172
Yeah, I really like him. The kind of
guy you can just sit and have a beer with.
87
00:04:19,256 --> 00:04:23,511
Well, I could see you saying
that about Hoss, but Little Joe?
88
00:04:24,428 --> 00:04:27,428
That's the great thing about Bonanza.
Something for everyone.
89
00:04:29,309 --> 00:04:31,561
Well, thank you, Mr. False Alarm.
90
00:04:31,645 --> 00:04:33,731
"Oh, look, there he is,
over at the yogurt store!"
91
00:04:33,815 --> 00:04:35,983
"Oh, look, there he
is, in the futon store!"
92
00:04:36,067 --> 00:04:38,027
"Oh, look, there he is with Dad!"
93
00:04:39,697 --> 00:04:41,364
NILES: And now he's leaving.
94
00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:43,409
I must tell him what an
impact his book has made.
95
00:04:43,493 --> 00:04:45,161
Aren't you afraid it'll sound unoriginal?
96
00:04:45,245 --> 00:04:46,579
-Why?
-I'm gonna say it first.
97
00:04:46,663 --> 00:04:48,457
-MAN: Excuse me, Mr. Houghton?
-Yeah?
98
00:04:48,541 --> 00:04:53,045
-I just wanted to tell you that…
-My book changed your life. Swell.
99
00:04:53,129 --> 00:04:55,465
-No, no, but I…
-it changed mine too. Look, I'm sorry.
100
00:04:55,549 --> 00:04:57,926
I don't like to discuss my work.
101
00:05:00,722 --> 00:05:02,598
Well, that was humiliating.
102
00:05:02,682 --> 00:05:04,559
I've never felt so rejected in my life.
103
00:05:04,643 --> 00:05:06,102
Now, now, don't take it so hard.
104
00:05:06,186 --> 00:05:07,729
Who was to know he was so sensitive?
105
00:05:07,813 --> 00:05:11,663
-Aren't you Dr. Crane from the radio?
-Not now, haven't got the time, sorry.
106
00:05:12,819 --> 00:05:14,863
Do you realize who
you were just talking to?
107
00:05:14,947 --> 00:05:16,824
-That was T.H. Houghton.
-Yeah, I know.
108
00:05:16,908 --> 00:05:19,160
Well, well, well, what
did you two talk about?
109
00:05:19,244 --> 00:05:21,746
-Oh, I don't know. This and that.
-FRASIER: Dad,
110
00:05:21,830 --> 00:05:24,041
virtually nothing is known about this man.
111
00:05:24,125 --> 00:05:25,751
Can't you give us something specific?
112
00:05:25,835 --> 00:05:30,340
Well, it was just guy stuff, you know.
Baseball, TV shows, old war stories…
113
00:05:30,424 --> 00:05:31,967
-He told war stories?
-No, I did.
114
00:05:32,051 --> 00:05:34,804
You know, about the time I made
the stew and the platoon got sick.
115
00:05:34,888 --> 00:05:36,722
Dad, how could you?
116
00:05:36,806 --> 00:05:38,475
What? He liked it.
117
00:05:38,559 --> 00:05:41,019
He's a nice guy.
I think maybe I'll buy one of his books.
118
00:05:41,103 --> 00:05:44,566
Not books, Dad. Book.
119
00:05:44,650 --> 00:05:45,817
Book.
120
00:05:45,901 --> 00:05:48,779
He wrote one book and never wrote again.
121
00:05:48,863 --> 00:05:51,740
If only we'd arrived ten minutes
earlier, we could've talked to him.
122
00:05:51,824 --> 00:05:54,202
We could have explored
that mammoth intellect.
123
00:05:54,286 --> 00:05:58,248
Can you imagine the torture the man's
endured, to peak at such an early age?
124
00:05:58,332 --> 00:06:01,210
Oh, my God, Frasier, look. It's a doodle!
125
00:06:01,294 --> 00:06:03,004
Not just any doodle, a Houghton doodle.
126
00:06:03,088 --> 00:06:04,214
-It's mine!
-No, mine!
127
00:06:04,298 --> 00:06:06,008
-It's mine.
-Dad, what do you care?
128
00:06:06,092 --> 00:06:07,301
No, I mean I drew it.
129
00:06:10,806 --> 00:06:12,557
That's very touching. This is for you.
130
00:06:12,641 --> 00:06:14,018
Bye-bye.
131
00:06:16,104 --> 00:06:18,188
I don't know when I've
enjoyed an exhibit more.
132
00:06:18,272 --> 00:06:22,027
The artist's choice to make that a
monochrome was a stroke of genius.
133
00:06:22,111 --> 00:06:24,363
-It conveyed such despair.
-FRASIER: Yes.
134
00:06:24,447 --> 00:06:27,367
It was so refreshing to see a sad peach.
135
00:06:28,159 --> 00:06:29,661
How about that curator?
136
00:06:29,745 --> 00:06:31,345
She was kind of a peach herself.
137
00:06:31,956 --> 00:06:34,606
-No Cubism there, I don't think.
-No, certainly not.
138
00:06:35,877 --> 00:06:37,879
-MARTIN: Hey, boys.
-BOTH: Oh, hi, Dad.
139
00:06:38,840 --> 00:06:41,008
Oh, Ted.
Ted, I'd like you to meet my sons.
140
00:06:41,092 --> 00:06:43,135
This is Frasier and Niles.
They're big fans.
141
00:06:43,219 --> 00:06:45,096
-Hi, guys.
-FRASIER: Mr. Houghton…
142
00:06:45,180 --> 00:06:46,724
We…
143
00:06:47,349 --> 00:06:49,352
Words can't express…
144
00:06:49,436 --> 00:06:51,062
I guess not.
145
00:06:52,939 --> 00:06:54,650
Nice meeting you fellas.
146
00:06:55,735 --> 00:06:59,781
Oh, my God, we missed him again!
147
00:06:59,865 --> 00:07:01,407
-What's going on?
-That's odd.
148
00:07:01,491 --> 00:07:03,118
So where are you two going?
149
00:07:04,829 --> 00:07:07,665
Well, Ted's taking me out to
this bratwurst place he knows.
150
00:07:07,749 --> 00:07:10,711
Bratwurst? Yummy.
My God, that's our favorite.
151
00:07:11,295 --> 00:07:12,755
Nice meeting you.
152
00:07:15,717 --> 00:07:18,386
-What's wrong with this thing?
-NILES: Well, it could be broken.
153
00:07:18,470 --> 00:07:20,764
If you came in to the
apartment, we'll call the front…
154
00:07:20,848 --> 00:07:24,644
No! I'm sure it'll work this time.
155
00:07:29,817 --> 00:07:31,778
What the hell was he doing here?
156
00:07:33,112 --> 00:07:35,490
We might know if you hadn't spent an hour
157
00:07:35,574 --> 00:07:37,910
pondering the despair of the peach.
158
00:07:38,912 --> 00:07:40,329
From the man who spent 30 minutes
159
00:07:40,413 --> 00:07:43,416
looking at Woman with a Rectangular Head.
160
00:07:43,500 --> 00:07:46,045
Oh, was Mrs. Foster in the lobby again?
161
00:07:46,629 --> 00:07:47,879
No, Daphne.
162
00:07:47,963 --> 00:07:49,257
Could you explain to me
163
00:07:49,341 --> 00:07:52,218
just how T.H.
Houghton ended up in my apartment?
164
00:07:52,302 --> 00:07:54,471
Well, he's only in town
for a couple of days,
165
00:07:54,555 --> 00:07:56,348
and he doesn't know too many people,
166
00:07:56,432 --> 00:07:58,727
so he looked your
father up, gave him a ring,
167
00:07:58,811 --> 00:08:02,022
and Mr. Crane invited him
over to watch the Mariners game.
168
00:08:02,981 --> 00:08:04,817
-He was here all afternoon?
-DAPHNE: Yes.
169
00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:06,944
Oh, it's a shame you couldn't be here,
170
00:08:07,028 --> 00:08:10,157
because he told the
most fascinating stories.
171
00:08:10,241 --> 00:08:13,786
And, of course, he and your
father are getting on like old chums.
172
00:08:13,870 --> 00:08:16,373
But the sweetest thing
was how he took to Eddie.
173
00:08:19,919 --> 00:08:21,920
He… He spent time with Eddie?
174
00:08:22,004 --> 00:08:23,589
Fed him his afternoon biscuit.
175
00:08:23,673 --> 00:08:25,925
-FRASIER: Will the madness never end!
-NILES: Oh, now, now.
176
00:08:26,009 --> 00:08:29,138
Let's not give up hope.
Maybe Dad'll bring him back after dinner.
177
00:08:29,222 --> 00:08:31,307
Oh, well, I doubt it.
178
00:08:31,391 --> 00:08:34,519
They'll probably run into J.D.
Salinger and Salman Rushdie
179
00:08:34,603 --> 00:08:36,272
and go out for margaritas.
180
00:08:38,399 --> 00:08:41,110
I tell you, Niles, these near
misses, they're just excruciating.
181
00:08:41,194 --> 00:08:42,278
[DAPHNE LAUGHING]
182
00:08:42,362 --> 00:08:45,366
DAPHNE: There you go, Mr. Houghton.
You're welcome.
183
00:08:47,243 --> 00:08:49,579
-Was that him?
-Yes, he forgot his coat.
184
00:08:49,663 --> 00:08:51,331
FRASIER: Make way, Daphne!
185
00:08:55,461 --> 00:08:57,547
We missed him again.
186
00:09:01,969 --> 00:09:05,807
Don't you dare gloat, you
miserable little biscuit whore.
187
00:09:17,863 --> 00:09:19,073
[BARKING]
188
00:09:19,699 --> 00:09:21,117
Thanks, Eddie.
189
00:09:34,008 --> 00:09:36,176
-Afternoon, Daphne.
-Hello.
190
00:09:36,260 --> 00:09:38,012
Good dog.
191
00:09:40,182 --> 00:09:43,226
Oh, Dr. Crane, it's a
good thing you're home.
192
00:09:43,310 --> 00:09:47,189
Mr. Houghton's dropping by to pick
up your father for the Mariners game.
193
00:09:47,273 --> 00:09:51,073
-Are you serious? He's coming back?
-Yes, any minute. It's a doubleheader.
194
00:09:52,112 --> 00:09:54,324
-They play two games.
-Oh, right.
195
00:09:56,743 --> 00:09:59,079
But this is…
This is incredibly good fortune for me.
196
00:09:59,163 --> 00:10:02,416
I'll finally get to spend some time alone
with the man, even for a few minutes.
197
00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:03,876
[DOORBELL RINGS]
198
00:10:04,628 --> 00:10:06,588
Daphne, be a dear and stall Dad, will you.
199
00:10:06,672 --> 00:10:09,133
If he gives you any
trouble, just hide his cane.
200
00:10:10,510 --> 00:10:11,844
Niles!
201
00:10:11,928 --> 00:10:13,888
What fortuitous timing.
202
00:10:13,972 --> 00:10:15,515
The wine shop called a moment ago.
203
00:10:15,599 --> 00:10:18,185
They're down to their last cases
of the '82 Chambolle-Musigny.
204
00:10:18,269 --> 00:10:20,730
Why don't you dash down
before somebody snaps it all up.
205
00:10:20,814 --> 00:10:22,941
Bless you, Frasier. Hold it.
206
00:10:26,696 --> 00:10:30,242
You know very well that in 1982,
there was a drought in Bourgogne.
207
00:10:33,078 --> 00:10:35,665
The locals dubbed it
the "Year of the Raisin."
208
00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:42,089
And that wine was never sold
by the case, only by the bottle.
209
00:10:43,674 --> 00:10:45,969
T.H. Houghton is here, isn't he?
210
00:10:47,304 --> 00:10:49,014
-No.
-Fine.
211
00:10:49,098 --> 00:10:52,476
Then you won't mind if I
just hang around for a while.
212
00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:54,562
Oh, all right. He's on his way.
213
00:10:54,646 --> 00:10:56,731
He and Dad are going to a baseball game.
214
00:10:56,815 --> 00:10:58,150
It's a doubleheader.
215
00:10:59,235 --> 00:11:00,737
They play two games.
216
00:11:03,740 --> 00:11:04,824
Oh, hi, Niles.
217
00:11:04,908 --> 00:11:08,286
Oh, Dad, so I hear that
Mr. Houghton is on his way over.
218
00:11:08,370 --> 00:11:09,956
Maybe we could all have lunch.
219
00:11:10,040 --> 00:11:12,667
-That's a splendid idea.
-No, the game starts in 45 minutes.
220
00:11:12,751 --> 00:11:14,753
Perhaps you could
come by after for a drink.
221
00:11:14,837 --> 00:11:16,964
No, sorry, that won't work either.
222
00:11:17,048 --> 00:11:19,798
He's gotta go to his publisher's,
drop off his new book.
223
00:11:21,553 --> 00:11:22,679
Houghton has a new book?
224
00:11:22,763 --> 00:11:24,974
I've lost the feeling in my legs.
225
00:11:29,855 --> 00:11:33,108
Well, did he say anything about it?
I mean, the characters, the setting?
226
00:11:33,192 --> 00:11:35,987
-No, he just said it was a book.
-Dad.
227
00:11:36,071 --> 00:11:37,321
You have to skip the game.
228
00:11:37,405 --> 00:11:38,698
It's not just for our benefit.
229
00:11:38,782 --> 00:11:42,160
After all this baseball, the man must
be starved for intellectual stimulation.
230
00:11:42,244 --> 00:11:43,328
I know what you're saying.
231
00:11:43,412 --> 00:11:45,832
That someone like that would
prefer to spend time with you
232
00:11:45,916 --> 00:11:47,875
instead of some dumbbell like me.
233
00:11:47,959 --> 00:11:50,509
Dad, you're not dumb.
You missed the point entirely.
234
00:11:50,880 --> 00:11:53,215
Let's just say, for example,
you came home one afternoon
235
00:11:53,299 --> 00:11:55,510
and I was sitting here
discussing literature with,
236
00:11:55,594 --> 00:11:57,637
I don't know, give me
the name of a player.
237
00:11:57,721 --> 00:12:00,350
-Darryl Strawberry.
-No, a real one!
238
00:12:01,726 --> 00:12:03,811
Frasier, the problem is you push too hard.
239
00:12:03,895 --> 00:12:06,732
We just talk sports, have a few laughs.
That's all.
240
00:12:06,816 --> 00:12:07,858
[DOORBELL RINGING]
241
00:12:07,942 --> 00:12:10,028
You know, I never ask him about his work.
242
00:12:10,112 --> 00:12:12,447
That's probably why he
told me about the book.
243
00:12:16,411 --> 00:12:18,704
-Mr. Houghton, hello.
-Hi, how you doing?
244
00:12:18,788 --> 00:12:20,791
-Hey, Ted, come on in.
-HOUGHTON: Fine.
245
00:12:21,375 --> 00:12:23,752
FRASIER: So you two boys
are off to the baseball game, huh?
246
00:12:23,836 --> 00:12:25,379
Doubleheader.
247
00:12:25,463 --> 00:12:26,756
That's two games.
248
00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:31,178
Yeah.
249
00:12:32,096 --> 00:12:34,056
Little-known fact about baseball.
250
00:12:34,140 --> 00:12:38,728
The owner of the Boston Red Sox
sold Babe Ruth to the New York Yankees
251
00:12:38,812 --> 00:12:42,483
to finance a Broadway
musical, No, No, Nanette.
252
00:12:45,529 --> 00:12:47,906
-You ready, Marty?
-Let's go.
253
00:12:49,116 --> 00:12:51,202
Well, I really enjoyed chatting with you.
254
00:12:51,286 --> 00:12:54,886
If you'd drop back by after the game,
we could pick up where we left off.
255
00:12:56,250 --> 00:12:58,169
No, No, Nanette?
256
00:13:01,047 --> 00:13:03,049
NILES: I'm sorry, there
were exactly two things
257
00:13:03,133 --> 00:13:05,511
I could possibly add to
a baseball conversation.
258
00:13:05,595 --> 00:13:07,304
That and…
259
00:13:07,388 --> 00:13:08,806
No, just the one.
260
00:13:13,437 --> 00:13:15,689
-Frasier?
-Yes.
261
00:13:15,773 --> 00:13:19,193
Have you noticed how Houghton carries
a satchel with him wherever he goes?
262
00:13:19,277 --> 00:13:22,155
Well, actually, as a
matter of fact, I have, yes.
263
00:13:22,239 --> 00:13:24,992
Didn't Dad mention that Houghton
was on his way to his publisher's
264
00:13:25,076 --> 00:13:27,370
after the game with a new manuscript?
265
00:13:27,454 --> 00:13:28,579
Yes.
266
00:13:28,663 --> 00:13:32,313
Wouldn't that be the very same satchel
which is now resting under my head?
267
00:13:33,461 --> 00:13:34,963
Oh, my God!
268
00:13:36,256 --> 00:13:38,300
-Wait!
-Should we?
269
00:13:38,926 --> 00:13:40,219
We shouldn't.
270
00:13:40,303 --> 00:13:42,596
-Could we live with ourselves if we did?
-Could we if we didn't?
271
00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:44,474
Could we live either way?
272
00:13:44,558 --> 00:13:46,393
Oh, stop it, Niles!
273
00:13:46,477 --> 00:13:48,270
Oh, who are we kidding? All right.
274
00:13:48,354 --> 00:13:50,482
Careful, careful, careful.
275
00:14:02,996 --> 00:14:07,126
"The Chameleon's Song by T.H. Houghton."
276
00:14:09,420 --> 00:14:11,339
These are handwritten corrections.
277
00:14:11,423 --> 00:14:14,301
Frasier, this is his original manuscript.
278
00:14:14,385 --> 00:14:16,555
Shame on you!
279
00:14:18,265 --> 00:14:21,643
Going through someone
else's personal property.
280
00:14:21,727 --> 00:14:23,896
Well, it's just plain wrong.
281
00:14:23,980 --> 00:14:25,940
And I know your father wouldn't approve.
282
00:14:26,024 --> 00:14:28,651
Of course, I wouldn't be here
to tell him if I had the day off.
283
00:14:28,735 --> 00:14:30,697
-Fine, go.
-Oh, great.
284
00:14:34,910 --> 00:14:38,622
Of course, having a day
off is pretty meaningless
285
00:14:38,706 --> 00:14:40,666
when you have no money to, you know,
286
00:14:40,750 --> 00:14:44,003
maybe go to lunch or do some shopping.
287
00:14:44,087 --> 00:14:48,092
Perhaps take in a show… oh, thanks.
288
00:14:50,721 --> 00:14:53,723
-All right, Niles, shall we?
-Not yet.
289
00:14:53,807 --> 00:14:56,227
-The atmosphere has to be perfect.
-Good point, yes.
290
00:14:56,311 --> 00:14:58,604
Let's begin with the lighting.
291
00:14:58,688 --> 00:15:00,524
All right, just say when.
292
00:15:02,109 --> 00:15:03,777
Warmer.
293
00:15:04,486 --> 00:15:05,905
Warmer.
294
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:08,158
A little cooler.
295
00:15:08,950 --> 00:15:10,702
A touch warmer.
296
00:15:10,786 --> 00:15:12,579
A hair back.
297
00:15:12,663 --> 00:15:15,750
No, no, just… No, a hair the other way.
298
00:15:15,834 --> 00:15:18,420
No, a touch warmer.
299
00:15:20,548 --> 00:15:21,883
-Perfect.
-Good.
300
00:15:26,096 --> 00:15:29,809
Excellent, excellent. What wine
would most enhance the experience?
301
00:15:29,893 --> 00:15:32,520
No, Niles. Wine might dull our faculties.
302
00:15:32,604 --> 00:15:37,693
Perhaps instead a slow-sipping
cordial would be the proper garnish.
303
00:15:37,777 --> 00:15:39,946
-Sherry.
-Armagnac.
304
00:15:40,530 --> 00:15:43,450
Oh, well, see?
That's why you're the older brother.
305
00:15:53,462 --> 00:15:54,755
[FRASIER SIGHS]
306
00:15:54,839 --> 00:15:57,425
-What is it?
-I don't think you're there yet.
307
00:16:01,430 --> 00:16:02,556
[SIGHS]
308
00:16:17,366 --> 00:16:18,742
[SIGHS]
309
00:16:22,914 --> 00:16:24,374
[SIGHS]
310
00:16:27,128 --> 00:16:28,462
Well, it's a masterpiece.
311
00:16:28,546 --> 00:16:29,671
[BARKS]
312
00:16:29,755 --> 00:16:31,549
Eddie.
313
00:16:31,633 --> 00:16:33,384
I never thought I'd utter these words,
314
00:16:33,468 --> 00:16:37,014
but it actually surpasses
Time Flies Tomorrow.
315
00:16:37,098 --> 00:16:38,390
[BARKING]
316
00:16:38,474 --> 00:16:39,767
Eddie, please!
317
00:16:40,602 --> 00:16:42,271
We're trying to savor the moment.
318
00:16:54,869 --> 00:16:56,496
How was the game?
319
00:16:58,540 --> 00:16:59,749
Is that my manuscript?
320
00:16:59,833 --> 00:17:01,335
What the hell's going on?
321
00:17:01,419 --> 00:17:03,045
HOUGHTON: You went through my bag?
322
00:17:03,129 --> 00:17:06,341
-That's my personal property.
-I don't believe you two.
323
00:17:07,301 --> 00:17:11,180
Mr. Houghton, we…
We are terribly, terribly sorry.
324
00:17:11,264 --> 00:17:13,182
The temptation to read
it was just too great.
325
00:17:13,266 --> 00:17:15,060
Oh, what's that supposed to mean?
326
00:17:15,144 --> 00:17:17,479
You're grown men, at
least I thought you were.
327
00:17:17,563 --> 00:17:19,856
You had no right to touch that.
328
00:17:19,940 --> 00:17:22,485
Ted, I'm sorry. I'm just so ashamed.
329
00:17:22,569 --> 00:17:24,570
-Now, it's all right.
-No, it's not all right.
330
00:17:24,654 --> 00:17:26,573
No, no, it's okay, really.
331
00:17:26,657 --> 00:17:28,910
Somebody had to read it first.
332
00:17:30,036 --> 00:17:33,040
So, what did you think?
333
00:17:33,749 --> 00:17:35,918
-Of the book?
-No, of my typing.
334
00:17:36,002 --> 00:17:37,629
Yes, of course, the book.
335
00:17:42,426 --> 00:17:43,636
It was great.
336
00:17:45,012 --> 00:17:46,306
Wow.
337
00:17:48,141 --> 00:17:51,562
Well, at least you liked it.
I'm gonna have to be running.
338
00:17:51,646 --> 00:17:53,522
Are you sure?
I was gonna make some coffee.
339
00:17:53,606 --> 00:17:55,817
No, no, I got an appointment.
Can I use the…
340
00:17:55,901 --> 00:17:57,778
-It's right here.
-HOUGHTON: Okay.
341
00:18:00,323 --> 00:18:02,450
Boy, I've had it with you guys.
342
00:18:02,534 --> 00:18:04,535
If you were Hoss and Little Joe,
343
00:18:04,619 --> 00:18:08,958
Ben Cartwright would kick your
sorry butts right off the Ponderosa!
344
00:18:10,293 --> 00:18:11,711
Dad.
345
00:18:14,673 --> 00:18:16,216
Dad, we're sorry.
346
00:18:16,300 --> 00:18:17,593
Very sorry.
347
00:18:22,057 --> 00:18:24,059
He's back on the Cartwrights again.
348
00:18:25,143 --> 00:18:28,606
You know, someday we really should
ask him just who the hell they are.
349
00:18:30,860 --> 00:18:34,863
You know, Niles, one
thing just really bugs me.
350
00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:38,326
Houghton's gonna leave thinking we're
just a couple of inarticulate simpletons.
351
00:18:38,410 --> 00:18:41,079
What were those pithy comments
we made about his masterpiece?
352
00:18:41,163 --> 00:18:43,540
-"It was great."
-BOTH: "Wow."
353
00:18:43,624 --> 00:18:47,128
Yes, we'll go down in history with
the same boob who first read Hamlet,
354
00:18:47,212 --> 00:18:50,800
then told Shakespeare, "My
goodness, what a parchment-turner!"
355
00:18:52,343 --> 00:18:54,762
Well, it's not too late.
He hasn't left yet.
356
00:18:55,389 --> 00:18:58,016
Yes, yes, we could still
say something to show him
357
00:18:58,100 --> 00:19:00,937
that we appreciated the
full complexity of his work.
358
00:19:03,231 --> 00:19:05,859
Mr. Houghton, you know,
there is one further thing
359
00:19:05,943 --> 00:19:08,278
-I'd like to add about your book.
-Yeah.
360
00:19:08,362 --> 00:19:11,074
Well, it's the way you modulated
into the second-person narrative
361
00:19:11,158 --> 00:19:15,161
during the flashback scene. Frankly,
beggars anything Faulkner attempted.
362
00:19:15,245 --> 00:19:17,290
Really? That's very flattering.
363
00:19:17,999 --> 00:19:19,709
Oh, wait, I have one too.
364
00:19:20,544 --> 00:19:22,254
The way you so skillfully mirrored
365
00:19:22,338 --> 00:19:24,923
the structure of Dante's
Divine Comedy was inspired.
366
00:19:25,007 --> 00:19:26,259
Really?
367
00:19:26,343 --> 00:19:28,344
FRASIER: Yes, from the
inferno of the bordello…
368
00:19:28,428 --> 00:19:31,223
NILES: Which, we noticed,
had exactly nine rooms.
369
00:19:31,307 --> 00:19:34,142
…to the purgatory of the assembly line,
370
00:19:34,226 --> 00:19:37,731
and finally to the paradise of the farm.
371
00:19:38,523 --> 00:19:39,983
You both saw that?
372
00:19:40,067 --> 00:19:41,777
Oh, it practically jumped off the page.
373
00:19:41,861 --> 00:19:44,405
Well, that's very perceptive of you.
374
00:19:44,489 --> 00:19:47,033
Well, thank you.
I guess it's our turn to be flattered.
375
00:19:47,117 --> 00:19:49,369
You're absolutely right.
376
00:19:49,453 --> 00:19:52,206
This whole book is crap.
377
00:19:52,290 --> 00:19:53,499
Beg your pardon?
378
00:19:53,583 --> 00:19:55,001
How could I be so blind?
379
00:19:55,085 --> 00:19:58,422
I lifted the entire structure from Dante!
380
00:19:58,965 --> 00:20:01,801
-You mean you weren't going for that?
-Of course not!
381
00:20:01,885 --> 00:20:04,095
This confirms my worst fear.
382
00:20:04,179 --> 00:20:06,599
I have nothing original left to say.
383
00:20:06,683 --> 00:20:08,225
I'm an empty shell.
384
00:20:08,309 --> 00:20:10,770
I was a fool to think I
had a second book in me!
385
00:20:10,854 --> 00:20:13,440
"The winters were harsh on the farm."
386
00:20:13,524 --> 00:20:16,903
Well, here's something to warm them up!
387
00:20:16,987 --> 00:20:18,738
MARTIN: What's going on here?
388
00:20:18,822 --> 00:20:20,031
You're both right.
389
00:20:20,115 --> 00:20:22,451
I'm a talentless hack who got lucky once.
390
00:20:22,535 --> 00:20:24,953
-We didn't say that!
-You're not listening to them?
391
00:20:25,037 --> 00:20:27,665
-Look at this trash! It won't burn!
-It's a fireplace, you see.
392
00:20:27,749 --> 00:20:30,962
-It's not well ventilated.
-This doesn't belong in a fireplace.
393
00:20:31,629 --> 00:20:35,299
It belongs in the gutter, with
the rest of society's garbage!
394
00:20:35,383 --> 00:20:37,719
-FRASIER: Wait. No, no…
-MARTIN: Ted, don't do that!
395
00:20:37,803 --> 00:20:40,557
-Ted, no! Don't do it!
-NILES: No, Mr. Houghton…
396
00:20:46,981 --> 00:20:48,815
I want to thank you two.
397
00:20:48,899 --> 00:20:52,528
If I had published that book, my
reputation would have been destroyed.
398
00:20:52,612 --> 00:20:56,075
At least now I'm left
with a shred of dignity.
399
00:20:59,162 --> 00:21:00,538
No.
400
00:21:01,123 --> 00:21:02,624
MARTIN: Happy?
401
00:21:02,708 --> 00:21:04,376
Hey, Ted, wait up!
402
00:21:13,304 --> 00:21:16,475
Well, we've destroyed a man's life.
403
00:21:17,059 --> 00:21:21,355
Not to mention depriving future
generations of a work of art.
404
00:21:21,439 --> 00:21:23,899
Yes, well, on the other hand,
had he actually published it,
405
00:21:23,983 --> 00:21:27,404
the critics surely would've
noticed that Dante parallel.
406
00:21:28,947 --> 00:21:31,367
If he felt bad now, imagine
how he would've felt reading it
407
00:21:31,451 --> 00:21:34,161
-in The New York Review of Books.
-Oh, God, yes.
408
00:21:34,245 --> 00:21:37,165
Given his fragile ego, my God,
he would've been devastated.
409
00:21:37,249 --> 00:21:39,126
Who knows what he might have done.
410
00:21:40,628 --> 00:21:42,255
Do you know, Niles,
411
00:21:42,798 --> 00:21:44,549
we saved that man's life.
412
00:21:46,010 --> 00:21:48,012
Yes, I think you're right.
413
00:21:49,639 --> 00:21:52,101
-On the other hand…
-Don't go there.
414
00:21:55,395 --> 00:21:57,732
See, that's why you're the older brother.