1 00:00:10,056 --> 00:00:11,766 FRASIER: Roz. 2 00:00:13,184 --> 00:00:14,935 None of these lights seem to be flashing. 3 00:00:15,019 --> 00:00:18,189 Hey, what do you know. I got the same thing over here. 4 00:00:18,773 --> 00:00:21,234 -Well, who's our first caller? -No one. 5 00:00:22,026 --> 00:00:24,112 -Well, how much time do we have? -None. 6 00:00:27,366 --> 00:00:31,036 Hello, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane. 7 00:00:31,203 --> 00:00:34,373 Well, I have some good news for you. 8 00:00:34,665 --> 00:00:38,168 As today is the first sunny day we've had in a few weeks, 9 00:00:38,335 --> 00:00:41,923 it seems that all our lines are open. So please call in. No waiting. 10 00:00:43,592 --> 00:00:46,094 Absolutely no waiting. 11 00:00:48,388 --> 00:00:51,057 Oh, come on, somebody's marriage must be on the skids. 12 00:00:51,683 --> 00:00:54,102 Somebody's career must be going badly 13 00:00:54,269 --> 00:00:56,104 other than mine. 14 00:00:58,065 --> 00:01:01,235 Hey, how about all you agoraphobics? I know you're not outside. 15 00:01:03,904 --> 00:01:06,741 Oh, there's a call. I'll take it. I'll take it. 16 00:01:07,325 --> 00:01:09,994 Hello, I'm listening. 17 00:01:10,161 --> 00:01:11,620 WOMAN [ON PHONE]: Hi, Dr. Crane. 18 00:01:11,704 --> 00:01:14,875 My name is Alice, and I'm usually a happy person. 19 00:01:15,042 --> 00:01:20,047 But today, well, I just started thinking about all kinds of sad things. 20 00:01:20,213 --> 00:01:23,759 My job isn't that exciting, my kids don't call me as often as I'd like. 21 00:01:24,051 --> 00:01:26,428 Pretty soon I was in a full-blown funk. 22 00:01:26,595 --> 00:01:28,795 Well, Alice, as today seems to be a bit slow, 23 00:01:28,930 --> 00:01:33,144 you know, I think I have a story I can tell you that might be of some help. 24 00:01:33,645 --> 00:01:35,021 Do you have some time? 25 00:01:35,188 --> 00:01:37,438 Well, it's 3:00, and I'm still in my bathrobe. 26 00:01:37,523 --> 00:01:38,650 Perfect! 27 00:01:40,234 --> 00:01:43,863 Well, it all started three days ago. 28 00:01:44,030 --> 00:01:47,326 You see, my father was very concerned about his little dog, Eddie, 29 00:01:47,493 --> 00:01:49,870 so he had taken him to the vet. 30 00:01:50,037 --> 00:01:51,997 ROZ: So, what did the doctor say? 31 00:01:52,164 --> 00:01:53,916 MARTIN: He's stumped. 32 00:01:54,083 --> 00:01:58,587 I told him he's not sleeping, he's not eating, he's not even sniffing stuff. 33 00:01:58,754 --> 00:02:01,423 Welcome news to Mrs. Frobisher in 13B. 34 00:02:02,508 --> 00:02:04,927 He said he can't find anything wrong with him physically. 35 00:02:05,011 --> 00:02:06,762 Thinks it might be an emotional problem. 36 00:02:06,846 --> 00:02:08,973 You know, I've heard they have therapists for dogs. 37 00:02:09,057 --> 00:02:11,309 Do you suppose a dog psychiatrist could be the answer? 38 00:02:11,393 --> 00:02:13,728 Only if the question is, "What is the most asinine thing 39 00:02:13,812 --> 00:02:15,605 we could possibly do?" 40 00:02:16,606 --> 00:02:17,982 Maybe Eddie's just lonely. 41 00:02:18,149 --> 00:02:21,099 You know, I was thinking maybe we could maybe get another… 42 00:02:21,195 --> 00:02:23,488 Stop right there, Dad. We are not getting another dog. 43 00:02:23,572 --> 00:02:26,366 Oh, come on. What could be more fun than having a little brother or sister 44 00:02:26,450 --> 00:02:29,912 -around the house to play with? -I fell for that trick once, Dad. 45 00:02:31,956 --> 00:02:34,291 Well, I'm gonna get this little guy home. 46 00:02:34,458 --> 00:02:37,670 All right, I'll see you at home. I want to pick up some beans before I go. 47 00:02:37,754 --> 00:02:39,423 See you there. 48 00:02:40,799 --> 00:02:42,092 ROZ: Oh, wow. 49 00:02:42,551 --> 00:02:44,886 There's a guy over there checking me out. 50 00:02:45,053 --> 00:02:46,388 He's coming over here. 51 00:02:46,888 --> 00:02:48,473 Get out. No, it's too late. 52 00:02:48,640 --> 00:02:50,224 Just pretend you're not with me. 53 00:02:50,308 --> 00:02:51,858 -Hello, Dr. Crane. -Dr. Kagen. 54 00:02:51,978 --> 00:02:54,146 -I hope I'm not interrupting. -Oh, no, not at all. 55 00:02:54,230 --> 00:02:57,442 -I don't even know who she is. -Frasier. 56 00:02:57,608 --> 00:02:59,986 -Hi, I'm Roz Doyle. -Dr. Stephen Kagen. 57 00:03:00,153 --> 00:03:02,613 Yes, Dr. Kagen moved into my building about three months ago 58 00:03:02,697 --> 00:03:04,698 -from Chicago, I believe. -Yes, that's right. 59 00:03:04,782 --> 00:03:08,078 I love what I've seen of Seattle, but I'm still finding my way around. 60 00:03:08,162 --> 00:03:10,456 Well, Roz is an excellent tour guide. 61 00:03:10,622 --> 00:03:13,292 Really? Well, if you have an afternoon sometime, 62 00:03:13,459 --> 00:03:15,210 maybe you could show me all the hot spots. 63 00:03:15,294 --> 00:03:17,963 Oh, I think that could be arranged. 64 00:03:19,423 --> 00:03:21,925 I'd be happy to. I'm free tomorrow afternoon. 65 00:03:22,092 --> 00:03:24,512 -Here's my card. -Great. 66 00:03:24,679 --> 00:03:26,097 I'll give you a call. 67 00:03:26,264 --> 00:03:28,414 -Nice meeting you, Roz. -Nice to meet you. 68 00:03:28,516 --> 00:03:30,393 -KAGEN: Dr. Crane. -Dr. Kagen. 69 00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:34,355 -Thank you, Frasier. -My pleasure. 70 00:03:34,522 --> 00:03:38,026 A gorgeous doctor, and I didn't get you anything. 71 00:03:39,444 --> 00:03:41,894 -So, what kind of doctor is he? -A gynecologist. 72 00:03:42,948 --> 00:03:44,784 That's not funny. 73 00:03:45,576 --> 00:03:47,870 -What's the matter? -He really is? 74 00:03:48,037 --> 00:03:51,123 Oh, God. I can't go out with a gynecologist. 75 00:03:51,290 --> 00:03:53,626 Do you know what they do all day? 76 00:03:54,210 --> 00:03:56,796 I have a general idea, yes. 77 00:03:57,129 --> 00:03:58,799 All right, I'll see you at home. 78 00:03:58,965 --> 00:04:01,300 -Hey, would you date a gynecologist? -Oh, God, no. 79 00:04:01,384 --> 00:04:03,720 -See? -Yeah, I wouldn't even date a dentist. 80 00:04:03,887 --> 00:04:05,806 Hands in people's mouths all day. 81 00:04:05,972 --> 00:04:08,057 And after watching Eddie's complete physical, 82 00:04:08,141 --> 00:04:11,186 I'm not anxious to date a vet any time soon either. 83 00:04:11,353 --> 00:04:12,645 [ROZ KNOCKING ON GLASS] 84 00:04:12,729 --> 00:04:15,029 FRASIER: I thought familiarity with a woman… 85 00:04:16,108 --> 00:04:18,986 But that's really more of a sidetrack. 86 00:04:19,153 --> 00:04:20,738 Getting back to our story, 87 00:04:20,905 --> 00:04:25,618 by the time I got home that day, alas, poor Eddie was no better. 88 00:04:26,035 --> 00:04:28,120 Hey, look, Eddie, Mr. Carrot. 89 00:04:28,287 --> 00:04:29,956 He'll give you good eyesight. 90 00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:31,625 And a lot of fun with this too. 91 00:04:33,418 --> 00:04:34,837 -Dad. -Yeah. 92 00:04:35,003 --> 00:04:36,171 What are you doing? 93 00:04:37,506 --> 00:04:39,883 I went out, and I bought a bunch of new toys for Eddie. 94 00:04:39,967 --> 00:04:42,218 I just thought it might cheer him up, you know. 95 00:04:42,302 --> 00:04:44,137 Hey, Eddie, look at this. 96 00:04:44,304 --> 00:04:45,848 Hamburger. 97 00:04:46,014 --> 00:04:48,393 Juicy. Meaty. 98 00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:50,979 I'll bet you'd like a bite of this, wouldn't you? 99 00:04:51,521 --> 00:04:53,982 No? Well, more for me. 100 00:04:54,148 --> 00:04:57,610 I sure hope you don't take a bite out of the other side. 101 00:05:00,738 --> 00:05:02,908 Did you ever see anything sadder than this? 102 00:05:02,992 --> 00:05:04,910 No, I can't say that I have. 103 00:05:06,745 --> 00:05:07,997 [DOORBELL RINGS] 104 00:05:08,163 --> 00:05:09,707 Oh, that will be Dr. Crane. 105 00:05:09,874 --> 00:05:11,959 He said he was gonna bring his dog over. 106 00:05:12,126 --> 00:05:13,836 Oh, not that four-legged Maris. 107 00:05:14,003 --> 00:05:15,462 Dad, please. 108 00:05:15,838 --> 00:05:18,256 Don't call it that in front of him. He has no idea. 109 00:05:18,340 --> 00:05:21,093 How could he not? It acts like Maris, it barks like Maris. 110 00:05:21,177 --> 00:05:24,527 Aside from the fact that it eats now and then, they're dead ringers. 111 00:05:25,307 --> 00:05:26,808 -DAPHNE: Hello. -Hello, Daphne. 112 00:05:26,892 --> 00:05:28,643 -Hello, all. -Niles. 113 00:05:29,060 --> 00:05:30,562 I heard Eddie was down, 114 00:05:30,729 --> 00:05:33,379 and I thought a playmate might cheer him up. So voilà. 115 00:05:33,523 --> 00:05:37,820 Well, I appreciate the offer, Niles, but I already tried it in the park 116 00:05:37,987 --> 00:05:40,531 with real dogs, and it didn't work. 117 00:05:40,907 --> 00:05:44,660 Well, you'll change your tune when you see my girl turn on her charm. 118 00:05:44,827 --> 00:05:46,162 All right, come on, girl. 119 00:05:46,329 --> 00:05:47,705 And go to Eddie. 120 00:05:49,790 --> 00:05:51,000 Go to Eddie. 121 00:05:53,712 --> 00:05:54,880 Okay. 122 00:05:57,591 --> 00:05:59,051 Do your stuff. 123 00:06:00,093 --> 00:06:01,678 That's it. 124 00:06:04,389 --> 00:06:06,975 Oh, oh, I can see her magic working already. 125 00:06:07,142 --> 00:06:08,603 No, girl, come back here. 126 00:06:08,770 --> 00:06:11,522 Girl? Come back here this instant. 127 00:06:13,483 --> 00:06:14,651 Okay. 128 00:06:18,112 --> 00:06:21,658 Oh, Eddie, it's breaking my heart seeing you like this. 129 00:06:21,824 --> 00:06:22,992 How would a nice big batch 130 00:06:23,076 --> 00:06:24,870 of Grammy Moon's sugar biscuits sound? 131 00:06:24,954 --> 00:06:27,205 Do you believe he can understand a word you're saying? 132 00:06:27,289 --> 00:06:30,209 Hey, I read somewhere dogs can understand up to 400 words. 133 00:06:30,376 --> 00:06:33,076 Now, a super smart dog like Eddie probably knows 1,000. 134 00:06:33,170 --> 00:06:34,588 -Oh, really, Dad? -Yes, really. 135 00:06:34,672 --> 00:06:37,007 Eddie understands more than you give him credit for. 136 00:06:37,091 --> 00:06:39,593 Yeah, why, just yesterday I said, "Eddie, I've lost my keys." 137 00:06:39,677 --> 00:06:40,927 And he looked up at me… 138 00:06:41,012 --> 00:06:42,430 -Eddie. -Eddie. Yackety, yackety. 139 00:06:42,514 --> 00:06:45,475 Yadda, yadda, yadda, yadda. Eddie. Yadda, yadda, yadda, yadda. 140 00:06:45,642 --> 00:06:48,937 -DAPHNE: Eddie. Eddie. Eddie. Eddie. -FRASIER: Eddie. 141 00:06:49,145 --> 00:06:51,314 FRASIER: …understanding anything other than the simple fact 142 00:06:51,398 --> 00:06:52,607 of his name or a grunt. 143 00:06:53,316 --> 00:06:56,152 Well, the crisis has passed. She just needed a little rest. 144 00:06:56,236 --> 00:06:58,698 Fortunately, I remembered to bring her sleep mask. 145 00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:03,411 -How's Eddie? -Worse. 146 00:07:03,577 --> 00:07:06,496 I'm afraid we're gonna have to call in one of those dog psychiatrists. 147 00:07:06,580 --> 00:07:08,707 -Dad, you can't be serious. -Well, I'm desperate. 148 00:07:08,791 --> 00:07:11,419 -We tried everything else. -A dog psychiatrist? 149 00:07:11,585 --> 00:07:14,380 Honestly, Dad, they are the very definition of charlatanism. 150 00:07:14,464 --> 00:07:17,342 You simply cannot apply the principles of human psychology 151 00:07:17,551 --> 00:07:19,302 -to animal behavior. -Precisely. 152 00:07:19,469 --> 00:07:22,723 Animals operate out of instinct, whereas human beings can reason. 153 00:07:22,889 --> 00:07:24,189 -Yes. -They can cogitate. 154 00:07:24,349 --> 00:07:26,059 NILES: Yes. Therefore, a human being, 155 00:07:26,143 --> 00:07:28,353 through analytical psychotherapy, can… 156 00:07:28,437 --> 00:07:29,604 [SPEAKING GIBBERISH] 157 00:07:29,688 --> 00:07:31,107 Dad. 158 00:07:33,067 --> 00:07:34,652 Dad. 159 00:07:34,902 --> 00:07:36,446 Dad, yadda, yadda… 160 00:07:37,405 --> 00:07:41,005 FRASIER: Well, it's the intrinsic value in, what, Gestalt therapy and… 161 00:07:44,787 --> 00:07:47,707 Thank you for staying with us through the first commercial break. 162 00:07:47,791 --> 00:07:51,045 We're talking to Alice, who has a case of the blues today. 163 00:07:51,211 --> 00:07:54,673 In order to help her through it, I am relating a story from my own life. 164 00:07:54,757 --> 00:07:56,633 Any questions so far, Alice? 165 00:07:56,842 --> 00:07:58,218 ALICE: Well, I was wondering, 166 00:07:58,302 --> 00:08:00,471 what happened to Roz and the gynecologist? 167 00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:09,397 Well, since Frasier did tell the most embarrassing part of the story, 168 00:08:09,481 --> 00:08:11,483 something kind of funny did happen. 169 00:08:11,649 --> 00:08:15,612 Oh, my God, you're kidding. You were at Camp Lakeridge too? 170 00:08:15,779 --> 00:08:18,239 -What years were you there? -FRASIER: Roz. Roz. 171 00:08:18,448 --> 00:08:20,242 We are trying to help this woman. 172 00:08:20,409 --> 00:08:22,709 We don't have time for your pointless tangents. 173 00:08:23,162 --> 00:08:26,916 Anyway, my father finally got his way and made an appointment 174 00:08:27,083 --> 00:08:29,501 with a dog psychiatrist, who insisted that the entire household 175 00:08:29,585 --> 00:08:32,046 be present for the first session. 176 00:08:32,213 --> 00:08:35,091 MARTIN: What's keeping this guy? He should have been here by now. 177 00:08:35,175 --> 00:08:39,262 Perhaps he's been detained by his fear-of-fetching group. 178 00:08:40,931 --> 00:08:42,224 [DOORBELL RINGS] 179 00:08:43,100 --> 00:08:45,727 All right, now, you two cut it out! 180 00:08:48,980 --> 00:08:51,358 -Hello, I'm Dr. Arnold Shaw. -Hi, Doc. 181 00:08:51,567 --> 00:08:53,569 Marty Crane. Come on in, please. 182 00:08:53,736 --> 00:08:57,406 This is Daphne Moon and my sons, Frasier and Niles. 183 00:08:57,573 --> 00:09:00,993 -FRASIER: How do you do? -And this, of course, is the patient. 184 00:09:01,285 --> 00:09:03,204 I don't suppose my father told you, 185 00:09:03,371 --> 00:09:05,372 but my brother and I happen to be psychiatrists. 186 00:09:05,456 --> 00:09:09,920 Oh, how nice. I always enjoy being in the company of colleagues. 187 00:09:13,423 --> 00:09:16,051 I'm sorry. Did you say "colleagues" or "collies"? 188 00:09:18,554 --> 00:09:20,264 Oh, it's just a joke. 189 00:09:22,641 --> 00:09:25,186 It's very clever. Very clever. 190 00:09:25,353 --> 00:09:28,690 Well, shall… Shall we begin? 191 00:09:33,027 --> 00:09:37,157 Hello, Eddie. I'm Dr. Shaw. 192 00:09:37,323 --> 00:09:42,163 And I'm here to get to know you and help you get better. 193 00:09:42,371 --> 00:09:45,499 You're very sad, aren't you? 194 00:09:46,375 --> 00:09:48,544 It's okay to be sad. 195 00:09:48,711 --> 00:09:51,463 Sometimes I'm sad too. 196 00:09:51,672 --> 00:09:57,304 We're gonna spend the next hour trying to figure out why you're sad. 197 00:09:58,013 --> 00:10:00,765 When you give a dog an hour, you can bill him for seven. 198 00:10:05,937 --> 00:10:10,233 I'm sorry. I get the feeling that some of us aren't taking this seriously. 199 00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:13,153 Look, I apologize. This all just seems a bit silly. 200 00:10:13,321 --> 00:10:15,156 Oh, really? Silly? 201 00:10:15,323 --> 00:10:18,492 I'll have you know I just attended the funeral of one Buttons McFarland, 202 00:10:18,576 --> 00:10:20,703 whose owners felt the same way. 203 00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:23,080 Knock it off! 204 00:10:24,248 --> 00:10:26,292 -Okay. -I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 205 00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:32,299 First, I'd like to administer a dog personality-profile quiz 206 00:10:32,466 --> 00:10:34,009 I've developed. 207 00:10:34,635 --> 00:10:38,639 My first questions are based on how you think Eddie might behave 208 00:10:38,805 --> 00:10:41,308 -if he were a human being. -Oh, boy. 209 00:10:43,060 --> 00:10:45,938 It's not a joke. This is very serious. 210 00:10:46,105 --> 00:10:50,401 If human Eddie were planning a dinner party, what might he serve? 211 00:10:50,610 --> 00:10:52,710 I'd say meat loaf. But not the plain kind. 212 00:10:52,862 --> 00:10:56,532 The one with that fancy tomato-soup glaze on top. 213 00:10:56,741 --> 00:10:58,159 Might be a bit underdone, though. 214 00:10:58,243 --> 00:11:00,578 He has trouble reaching the knobs on the stove. 215 00:11:07,711 --> 00:11:11,006 Poached salmon. I don't know why. 216 00:11:11,882 --> 00:11:14,218 Interesting. Question two. 217 00:11:14,385 --> 00:11:18,097 What would you imagine human Eddie's first words to be? 218 00:11:18,305 --> 00:11:21,226 Well, I hope, "Give me a breath mint." 219 00:11:22,269 --> 00:11:24,104 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 220 00:11:24,312 --> 00:11:25,480 All right, next one. 221 00:11:27,774 --> 00:11:30,986 What do you imagine would be human Eddie's favorite cologne? 222 00:11:31,152 --> 00:11:34,614 Aqua Velva. It's a little strong, but I think he could pull it off. 223 00:11:36,867 --> 00:11:39,996 Gray Flannel. I don't know why. 224 00:11:41,497 --> 00:11:45,459 Cologne? Well, actually, I think he would prefer toilet water. 225 00:11:45,626 --> 00:11:50,548 Oh, by the way, same answer for favorite beverage. 226 00:11:55,012 --> 00:11:58,807 I'm sensing a lot of hostility here. 227 00:11:58,974 --> 00:12:00,558 I'm sorry. I just don't see the point. 228 00:12:00,642 --> 00:12:02,811 What is any of this telling you about Eddie? 229 00:12:03,020 --> 00:12:05,939 The point was not to learn about Eddie, but to learn about all of you. 230 00:12:06,023 --> 00:12:08,985 And might I say, mission accomplished. 231 00:12:10,111 --> 00:12:13,031 Well, perhaps now would be a good time for me 232 00:12:13,197 --> 00:12:17,076 to examine Eddie one-on-one. Is there a room I can use? 233 00:12:17,285 --> 00:12:19,235 Oh, yeah. My room. Second on the right. 234 00:12:19,412 --> 00:12:21,622 Eddie, after you. 235 00:12:24,168 --> 00:12:25,502 This may take a while. 236 00:12:27,921 --> 00:12:31,675 If Eddie were one of the Beatles, I think he'd be George. 237 00:12:31,842 --> 00:12:32,968 I don't know why. 238 00:12:37,806 --> 00:12:40,184 And yet she's never been committed. 239 00:12:41,061 --> 00:12:42,771 I don't know why. 240 00:12:49,277 --> 00:12:50,361 FRASIER: Okay, I'll say it. 241 00:12:50,445 --> 00:12:52,321 What have they been doing in there for the last hour? 242 00:12:52,405 --> 00:12:56,409 He's probably just talking to him. Eddie happens to be complex and interesting. 243 00:12:56,576 --> 00:13:00,164 Oh, yes. You must remind me to sit beside him at his next dinner party. 244 00:13:01,832 --> 00:13:05,132 Well, be prepared. He'll be up and down checking on that meat loaf. 245 00:13:08,631 --> 00:13:12,802 -SHAW: I have my diagnosis. -Finally, the white smoke. 246 00:13:15,055 --> 00:13:17,140 Eddie is indeed depressed. 247 00:13:17,307 --> 00:13:19,767 Now, if, as you say, there's been no change in his routine, 248 00:13:19,851 --> 00:13:24,314 I can only surmise that he's reacting to someone else's unhappiness. 249 00:13:24,689 --> 00:13:27,317 Is any one of you suffering from depression? 250 00:13:27,484 --> 00:13:29,027 -Not me. -Well, I'm not depressed. 251 00:13:29,111 --> 00:13:31,447 -Me either. -I'm cheer personified. 252 00:13:33,741 --> 00:13:36,077 Well, he's picking it up somewhere. 253 00:13:36,744 --> 00:13:40,206 To be on the safe side, you should all be conscious of how you behave 254 00:13:40,373 --> 00:13:44,961 when you're in front of him. Try to speak in pleasant, happy tones. 255 00:13:45,753 --> 00:13:47,047 Goodbye, Eddie. 256 00:13:47,214 --> 00:13:49,341 Call me in a few days, let me know how he's doing. 257 00:13:49,425 --> 00:13:51,718 Okay. Thanks for everything, Doc. 258 00:13:52,511 --> 00:13:55,764 Sorry to rush off, but I have a four o'clock appointment at the zoo. 259 00:13:55,931 --> 00:13:58,725 There's a hyena there that won't even crack a smile. 260 00:14:01,145 --> 00:14:02,981 See, I can joke too. 261 00:14:07,986 --> 00:14:10,947 -Hold it. -Oh, my God. Roz, what's happened? 262 00:14:11,114 --> 00:14:12,490 I wanna kill myself. 263 00:14:12,699 --> 00:14:15,410 Oh, hey, Roz, not in front of Eddie. 264 00:14:16,995 --> 00:14:19,165 -What? -That gentleman that just left 265 00:14:19,331 --> 00:14:21,750 -was a dog psychiatrist. -He said it'd be a good idea 266 00:14:21,834 --> 00:14:24,002 if we all had a happy tone when we're around Eddie. 267 00:14:24,086 --> 00:14:26,881 So please, tell us, why do you want to kill yourself? 268 00:14:27,965 --> 00:14:31,218 Well, I went out with Dr. Kagen, and we… 269 00:14:31,385 --> 00:14:34,471 Everything was going so great that I almost forgot what he was. 270 00:14:34,555 --> 00:14:36,474 -MARTIN: What is he? -A gynecologist. 271 00:14:36,558 --> 00:14:40,520 Oh, gee. I don't think I wanna hear any more about this. 272 00:14:44,107 --> 00:14:45,566 All right, Roz, what happened? 273 00:14:45,650 --> 00:14:47,360 Well, we went upstairs to his apartment, 274 00:14:47,444 --> 00:14:49,571 and he poured a glass of wine and… 275 00:14:50,489 --> 00:14:53,701 Well, do you know what a speculum is? 276 00:14:54,118 --> 00:15:00,249 Apparently, he was an avid collector of antique gynecological equipment. 277 00:15:01,709 --> 00:15:04,586 I've just gotten the signal from Roz that we're running out of time, 278 00:15:04,670 --> 00:15:07,215 so I'll skip ahead in our story. 279 00:15:15,724 --> 00:15:18,226 If you ask me, the man's theory's a whole lot of hooey. 280 00:15:18,310 --> 00:15:20,395 Who here has any reason to be unhappy? 281 00:15:20,562 --> 00:15:24,817 Well, mind you, I would never say this if it weren't for Eddie's sake, 282 00:15:24,984 --> 00:15:26,944 but comparatively speaking, 283 00:15:27,028 --> 00:15:29,572 Dr. Crane, you have the most to be depressed about. 284 00:15:29,739 --> 00:15:32,189 What with your separation from Mrs. Crane and all. 285 00:15:32,283 --> 00:15:33,952 Well, I'm not unhappy. 286 00:15:34,118 --> 00:15:35,661 Besides, I don't even live here. 287 00:15:35,745 --> 00:15:37,914 Oh, please, you're here more than I am. 288 00:15:39,415 --> 00:15:42,502 You know, I hate to say it, but, Dad, if anybody's giving off unhappiness, 289 00:15:42,586 --> 00:15:43,629 I'm afraid it's you. 290 00:15:43,837 --> 00:15:44,887 -Me? -FRASIER: Yes. 291 00:15:45,047 --> 00:15:47,347 You're the one who hasn't had a date in a year. 292 00:15:47,841 --> 00:15:51,178 -Not to mention two failed marriages. -And yet you did. 293 00:15:52,763 --> 00:15:56,350 Well, I don't know, maybe I am not entirely happy. 294 00:15:56,517 --> 00:15:58,103 Why should I be? 295 00:15:58,270 --> 00:16:00,105 My son lives across the country. 296 00:16:00,272 --> 00:16:02,607 There's no woman in my life. 297 00:16:02,774 --> 00:16:05,986 Maybe it is I who is making Eddie sad. 298 00:16:06,194 --> 00:16:08,863 Oh, now, now, don't you take all the blame. 299 00:16:09,072 --> 00:16:12,951 If I give my life a good once-over, I realize it's not all jam. 300 00:16:13,119 --> 00:16:15,997 I've just lost the only boyfriend I've had in years, 301 00:16:16,163 --> 00:16:19,875 and the biggest thing in my life is that I got all my hair cut off months ago, 302 00:16:19,959 --> 00:16:23,045 -and no one's even mentioned it. -ALL: You got your hair cut off? 303 00:16:23,129 --> 00:16:24,880 Oh, shut up. 304 00:16:28,301 --> 00:16:31,930 Daphne, maybe you were right earlier. I'm not so happy. 305 00:16:32,139 --> 00:16:33,849 Oh, maybe it's me. 306 00:16:34,016 --> 00:16:36,685 My life hasn't been a picnic since Hester died. 307 00:16:36,852 --> 00:16:40,230 Now that I think about it, what have I got to be happy about? 308 00:16:40,397 --> 00:16:42,482 I mean, I know that has nothing to do with Eddie, 309 00:16:42,566 --> 00:16:45,360 but maybe Frasier picked up something from contact with me. 310 00:16:45,444 --> 00:16:48,740 He wouldn't be the first one who… Oh, I'm too depressed. 311 00:16:50,116 --> 00:16:53,578 How loosely woven is the fabric of our happiness. 312 00:16:53,745 --> 00:16:55,079 A tug or two, 313 00:16:55,246 --> 00:17:00,001 and it unravels to reveal how empty our everyday lives really are. 314 00:17:00,209 --> 00:17:02,045 Then there are the empty nights 315 00:17:02,212 --> 00:17:06,759 accompanied by thoughts of loneliness and death. 316 00:17:06,967 --> 00:17:08,719 You think about that too? 317 00:17:08,886 --> 00:17:12,556 -Thought it was just me. -Everybody thinks about it. 318 00:17:13,057 --> 00:17:15,476 Do you lie real still and hold your breath… 319 00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:18,228 And pretend you're in the ground? 320 00:17:18,437 --> 00:17:19,814 No, that's just you. 321 00:17:23,109 --> 00:17:25,987 When I die, I want it to be on my 100th birthday, 322 00:17:26,154 --> 00:17:28,031 in my beach house on Maui, 323 00:17:28,198 --> 00:17:32,160 and I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college. 324 00:17:36,165 --> 00:17:39,960 You know, I once had a psychic tell me the strangest thing. 325 00:17:40,169 --> 00:17:43,839 That one day I would go off me rocker, take up a kitchen knife, 326 00:17:44,006 --> 00:17:46,884 kill the entire household and then kill myself. 327 00:17:47,051 --> 00:17:48,094 Silly old bag. 328 00:17:50,221 --> 00:17:52,849 She was right about my moving to Seattle, though. 329 00:17:59,106 --> 00:18:01,191 Well, I don't know how I wanna go, 330 00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:04,820 but all my years around the police morgue taught me a few things. 331 00:18:04,986 --> 00:18:09,075 First off, you don't wanna swallow Drano or rat poison. 332 00:18:09,242 --> 00:18:13,830 And if you're gonna kill yourself with an ax, get it right the first time. 333 00:18:19,544 --> 00:18:23,506 Well, you know, we can talk about it, we can think about it… 334 00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:27,469 But nobody really knows how or when. 335 00:18:27,678 --> 00:18:30,305 One second we're as alive as anyone else, and then… 336 00:18:31,140 --> 00:18:32,224 What? 337 00:18:33,225 --> 00:18:36,061 Darkness. Nothingness. 338 00:18:37,479 --> 00:18:38,480 Afterlife? 339 00:18:39,314 --> 00:18:42,714 I've always liked the notion of meeting the great figures of history. 340 00:18:43,278 --> 00:18:45,112 Then I think, what if it's like high school, 341 00:18:45,196 --> 00:18:48,408 and all the really cool dead people don't wanna hang out with me? 342 00:18:51,870 --> 00:18:54,455 Mozart will tell me he's busy, but then later I'll see him out 343 00:18:54,539 --> 00:18:55,999 with Shakespeare and Lincoln. 344 00:18:58,169 --> 00:19:01,046 I don't know about you, but this is depressing the hell out of me. 345 00:19:01,130 --> 00:19:03,507 Remember, my number's coming up sooner than you guys. 346 00:19:03,591 --> 00:19:06,691 -ROZ: Wow, that's right. -NILES: That's a good point, yeah. 347 00:19:09,972 --> 00:19:12,558 No, no. None of us really knows when our time is up. 348 00:19:12,767 --> 00:19:14,186 And it's never long enough. 349 00:19:14,352 --> 00:19:17,314 My great-grandmother was 92 years old when she died, 350 00:19:17,481 --> 00:19:20,525 and her last words to me from her deathbed were, 351 00:19:20,692 --> 00:19:22,569 "It's so short." 352 00:19:24,571 --> 00:19:26,323 Of course, it was the '70s. 353 00:19:26,490 --> 00:19:28,617 She could've been talking about my skirt. 354 00:19:32,663 --> 00:19:39,003 I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker 355 00:19:39,212 --> 00:19:40,713 T.S. Eliot. 356 00:19:40,922 --> 00:19:41,964 Dead. 357 00:19:44,175 --> 00:19:47,930 Must not all things at the last be swallowed up in death? 358 00:19:48,138 --> 00:19:49,389 Plato. 359 00:19:49,598 --> 00:19:50,808 Even deader. 360 00:19:53,894 --> 00:19:57,564 You know, perhaps Dr. Shaw was right. 361 00:19:57,773 --> 00:20:02,612 Perhaps we are the cause of Eddie's depression. 362 00:20:04,489 --> 00:20:06,449 Simple beast. 363 00:20:06,616 --> 00:20:10,787 He has peered beneath the masks of happiness we all wear 364 00:20:10,954 --> 00:20:13,748 and seen what lurks below, 365 00:20:13,915 --> 00:20:15,750 infected by our sorrow. 366 00:20:15,917 --> 00:20:21,423 His once carefree doggy world has been shattered, perhaps forever. 367 00:20:21,632 --> 00:20:23,801 Well, look at him. He's happy again. 368 00:20:24,051 --> 00:20:26,678 Could that have been all it was? He was missing his favorite doll? 369 00:20:26,762 --> 00:20:29,097 FRASIER: Well, I guess Dr. Shaw was wrong after all. 370 00:20:29,181 --> 00:20:30,932 He wasn't taking his cue from us, was he? 371 00:20:31,016 --> 00:20:33,602 Well, we were certainly taking a cue from Eddie. 372 00:20:33,769 --> 00:20:37,107 -I've never been so depressed. -ROZ: Tell me about it. 373 00:20:37,274 --> 00:20:39,150 Yeah, I wish I was a dog. 374 00:20:39,359 --> 00:20:42,279 All it takes is a little toy to make him happy again. 375 00:20:42,445 --> 00:20:45,156 I'm afraid we're a bit more complex than that, Daphne. 376 00:20:45,323 --> 00:20:48,660 We know for whom the bell tolls. 377 00:20:50,370 --> 00:20:51,831 [BELL RINGS] 378 00:20:55,126 --> 00:20:57,003 Anybody else hear that? 379 00:21:02,508 --> 00:21:04,510 Oh, the biscuits. 380 00:21:05,803 --> 00:21:08,473 Daphne, by "biscuits" do you mean cookies? 381 00:21:08,682 --> 00:21:10,517 -Yeah, that's right. -MARTIN: Oh, they smell good. 382 00:21:10,601 --> 00:21:12,227 -FRASIER: Yeah. -NILES: Fresh from the oven. 383 00:21:12,311 --> 00:21:13,937 -ROZ: All nice and warm. -DAPHNE: Yeah. 384 00:21:14,021 --> 00:21:16,105 And I have a fresh pitcher of milk for dipping. 385 00:21:16,189 --> 00:21:18,608 FRASIER: Oh, and I believe there's ice cream too. 386 00:21:18,692 --> 00:21:20,193 ALL: Ooh… 387 00:21:20,277 --> 00:21:24,490 And so, Alice, even the happiest of us can find reasons to be unhappy 388 00:21:24,657 --> 00:21:26,117 if only we look for them. 389 00:21:26,326 --> 00:21:27,911 So don't look for them. 390 00:21:28,077 --> 00:21:32,916 Take a tip from our dog friends, and treat yourself to your favorite toy. 391 00:21:33,124 --> 00:21:35,543 Whatever that might be. 392 00:21:35,752 --> 00:21:37,294 ALICE: I'll do that right now. 393 00:21:37,378 --> 00:21:40,883 Thank you, Dr. Crane. I really do feel better. 394 00:21:41,050 --> 00:21:43,969 This is Dr. Frasier Crane, reminding everyone 395 00:21:44,178 --> 00:21:48,223 that life is too short to dwell on every bump in the road. 396 00:21:48,390 --> 00:21:52,144 Try to take pleasure in the simple things. 397 00:21:52,311 --> 00:21:55,230 In short, eat a cookie. 398 00:21:57,776 --> 00:21:59,152 Ow! Oh! 399 00:21:59,736 --> 00:22:01,821 Walnut. I broke a tooth. 400 00:22:03,698 --> 00:22:05,398 Oh, now I gotta go to the dentist. 401 00:22:05,492 --> 00:22:09,871 Gonna tell me I haven't flossed, my lip's gonna get all fat. My life sucks.