1 00:00:02,141 --> 00:00:04,143 [THEME SONG PLAYING] 2 00:00:09,356 --> 00:00:12,609 Let me have a tall skinny to go, please, and you can keep the change. 3 00:00:12,693 --> 00:00:15,993 Now, I've only got a moment. I've taken on a very exciting project. 4 00:00:16,113 --> 00:00:17,780 -Oh, really. -FRASIER: Yes. You know, 5 00:00:17,864 --> 00:00:20,325 this is KACL's 50th anniversary. I did a little research, 6 00:00:20,409 --> 00:00:23,869 found out that they used to specialize in live radio dramas. 7 00:00:24,036 --> 00:00:25,136 So I'm putting one on. 8 00:00:25,246 --> 00:00:27,456 -Surely you must remember them. -Oh, sure. 9 00:00:27,623 --> 00:00:30,250 Yes, people of Dad's generation would sit around at night, 10 00:00:30,334 --> 00:00:32,584 listening to the radio, absolutely mesmerized. 11 00:00:32,670 --> 00:00:34,547 We were a simple people. 12 00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:36,173 FRASIER: All right, Dad. 13 00:00:36,340 --> 00:00:39,008 I spoke with the station manager. He's given me 30 minutes 14 00:00:39,092 --> 00:00:42,596 to re-create the very first mystery KACL ever aired. 15 00:00:43,013 --> 00:00:46,516 -Nightmare Inn. -Oh, don't tell me, I know. 16 00:00:46,683 --> 00:00:49,352 Bunch of people get caught in a storm, and everybody's wondering 17 00:00:49,436 --> 00:00:51,062 who's gonna be the first one murdered. 18 00:00:51,146 --> 00:00:55,357 -Exactly! And I'm going to direct. -Oh, so we can stop wondering. 19 00:00:57,276 --> 00:00:59,226 You don't think he knows how to direct? 20 00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:02,072 No, the trouble is he doesn't know how to stop directing. 21 00:01:02,156 --> 00:01:04,032 In our prep school production of Richard III, 22 00:01:04,116 --> 00:01:07,244 he drove the entire cast crazy with his constant critiquing. 23 00:01:07,411 --> 00:01:10,788 I seem to recall a delay on opening night while our Richard chased Frasier 24 00:01:10,872 --> 00:01:13,422 around the dressing room, beating him with his hump. 25 00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:17,127 Niles, it was just a little backstage horseplay to relieve tension. 26 00:01:17,211 --> 00:01:19,213 -Thank you. -You have an Orson Welles complex. 27 00:01:19,297 --> 00:01:20,673 In the end, you'll be directing, 28 00:01:20,757 --> 00:01:23,300 you'll have rewritten the script and be playing the lead. 29 00:01:23,384 --> 00:01:25,343 I have no intention of performing in it myself. 30 00:01:25,427 --> 00:01:28,930 The only rewriting I've done is simply cutting, to get it down to 30 minutes. 31 00:01:29,014 --> 00:01:33,810 -"Frasier Crane's Nightmare Inn"? -It's just a working title. 32 00:01:38,106 --> 00:01:41,317 Well, that's our show for today, but let me remind you to tune in 33 00:01:41,484 --> 00:01:47,573 on Saturday night for KACL's presentation of Nightmare Inn. 34 00:01:47,740 --> 00:01:50,284 Just set your dials for goose bumps. 35 00:01:50,785 --> 00:01:53,496 Till then, this is Dr. Frasier Crane reminding you that 36 00:01:53,954 --> 00:01:59,125 you'll never know what's lurking in the shadows. 37 00:01:59,292 --> 00:02:03,129 [LAUGHING] 38 00:02:06,007 --> 00:02:07,925 Well, that should certainly comfort the woman 39 00:02:08,009 --> 00:02:10,512 who called in about her paranoia. 40 00:02:12,054 --> 00:02:14,431 -Do we have a leading man yet? -No. 41 00:02:14,598 --> 00:02:16,808 -Well, you could do it. -Oh, don't be silly, Roz. 42 00:02:16,892 --> 00:02:19,770 My God, it is a juicy part, does call for a strong voice, 43 00:02:19,937 --> 00:02:22,815 -but believe me, my hands are full. -Oh, Frasier, 44 00:02:22,981 --> 00:02:26,151 I've had a quick peek at your script, and I think I'd be perfect 45 00:02:26,318 --> 00:02:29,946 as "Bull" Kragen, the brutish gamekeeper. 46 00:02:30,947 --> 00:02:34,742 You know, Gil, I think that's just a bit too on the nose. 47 00:02:34,909 --> 00:02:37,495 -Well, maybe. -But you know what you could play? 48 00:02:37,662 --> 00:02:39,163 Yes. Nigel Fairservice. 49 00:02:39,330 --> 00:02:44,251 Drummed out of the Royal Air Force under mysterious circumstances. 50 00:02:44,418 --> 00:02:47,713 With him playing it, they may not seem so mysterious. 51 00:02:48,422 --> 00:02:49,506 I'll take it. 52 00:02:49,673 --> 00:02:52,968 After all, Nigel does have that divine speech in the second act 53 00:02:53,135 --> 00:02:56,805 about his boyhood in Surrey: "Romping with his school chums 54 00:02:56,972 --> 00:02:59,974 "in the fens and spinneys, when the twilight bathed" 55 00:03:00,141 --> 00:03:03,060 the hedgerows like a lambent flame." 56 00:03:04,145 --> 00:03:07,148 Actually, I had rather a long peek at the script. 57 00:03:09,066 --> 00:03:11,610 Gosh, we still have a lot of these supporting roles to cast. 58 00:03:11,694 --> 00:03:14,236 Actually, I'm working on that. Jennifer down in Accounting 59 00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:17,073 is married to a professional actor who specializes in dialects. 60 00:03:17,157 --> 00:03:19,742 I'm thinking of asking him to play six or seven smaller parts. 61 00:03:19,826 --> 00:03:22,078 Hey, Doc. Need one more for your play? 62 00:03:22,245 --> 00:03:24,372 Absolutely, Bulldog. Just as long as you promise 63 00:03:24,456 --> 00:03:27,291 -to promote it on your show. -Actually, I wasn't talking about me. 64 00:03:27,375 --> 00:03:29,575 I was talking about a friend of mine, Maxine. 65 00:03:30,002 --> 00:03:32,253 -Does she have experience? -BULLDOG: Are you kidding? 66 00:03:32,337 --> 00:03:35,187 If she had a dollar for every minute she spent on stage… 67 00:03:35,299 --> 00:03:37,551 Oh, wait a minute. She does. 68 00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:41,638 Well, we do still have the part of the maid. She only has one line. 69 00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:43,765 -Does it have any big words? -No, it's simple. 70 00:03:43,849 --> 00:03:45,767 "Look out! He's got a gun." 71 00:03:45,933 --> 00:03:48,102 Maxine could knock that line right out of the park. 72 00:03:48,186 --> 00:03:50,646 Well, okay, but you have to agree to play a part too. 73 00:03:50,730 --> 00:03:54,233 We still need someone for the sinister silk merchant. 74 00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:57,403 Okay, it's a deal. And Maxine is gonna be so excited. 75 00:03:57,570 --> 00:04:00,488 I gotta remember to pick her up one of those cute French maid outfits 76 00:04:00,572 --> 00:04:02,407 -on my way home from work. -It's radio. 77 00:04:02,491 --> 00:04:05,952 -She doesn't have to be in costume. -Maybe here she doesn't. 78 00:04:07,704 --> 00:04:10,290 -Well, we're getting there. -Except for the lead. 79 00:04:10,457 --> 00:04:12,250 I haven't found anyone remotely qualified 80 00:04:12,334 --> 00:04:14,628 to play a wily old Scotland Yard inspector. 81 00:04:14,795 --> 00:04:16,878 You may be right. I may have to bite the bullet. 82 00:04:16,962 --> 00:04:20,341 -Take on the part myself. -IAN: Excuse me, Dr Crane. 83 00:04:20,508 --> 00:04:23,219 Is it too late to read for the role of the inspector? 84 00:04:23,385 --> 00:04:26,430 I'm afraid the part has already been cast. 85 00:04:31,184 --> 00:04:33,269 [DOORBELL CHIMES] 86 00:04:35,063 --> 00:04:36,480 -DAPHNE: Come on in. -Hi, Daphne. 87 00:04:36,564 --> 00:04:38,232 -GIL: Hello. -FRASIER: Bulldog, Gil. 88 00:04:38,316 --> 00:04:41,402 Right on time, good. We have to be on our toes tonight, 89 00:04:41,569 --> 00:04:43,919 we have a professional actor with us. Mel White, 90 00:04:44,072 --> 00:04:46,972 -our man of a thousand voices. -Oh, it's a huge pleasure. 91 00:04:47,074 --> 00:04:50,577 Mel is going to play Hans, the German butler, both McCallister sisters, 92 00:04:50,744 --> 00:04:54,540 and Peppo the dwarf, "a little man with a big secret." 93 00:04:57,209 --> 00:04:58,877 The same guy's playing all those parts? 94 00:04:58,961 --> 00:05:01,337 Yes, he's also playing "Bull" Kragen, the gamekeeper, 95 00:05:01,421 --> 00:05:03,464 and O'Toole, the handyman. Are you up to it? 96 00:05:03,548 --> 00:05:05,508 Just so they don't all talk at once. 97 00:05:05,675 --> 00:05:06,717 [FRASIER LAUGHING] 98 00:05:06,884 --> 00:05:10,054 Isn't it lovely to be working with a professional? 99 00:05:10,638 --> 00:05:14,038 -Hold it. Bulldog, where's Maxine? -She's home with food poisoning. 100 00:05:14,141 --> 00:05:17,894 It's nothing serious. I think she just wrestled in some bad Jell-O. 101 00:05:21,523 --> 00:05:22,816 Well, never mind. 102 00:05:22,983 --> 00:05:25,833 She just has one line, anyway. "Look out! He's got a gun." 103 00:05:25,986 --> 00:05:28,613 You think you… You might be up to that this evening, Daphne? 104 00:05:28,697 --> 00:05:30,782 -Oh, I'll try. -FRASIER: Good. 105 00:05:30,866 --> 00:05:34,535 Frasier, one of Nigel's lines seems to be missing. 106 00:05:34,702 --> 00:05:36,828 Yes, I had to cut the play by 20 minutes, Gil. 107 00:05:36,912 --> 00:05:40,165 Yes, yes. But that line so neatly defined Nigel's character. 108 00:05:40,332 --> 00:05:42,501 Saying "gesundheit" after the butler sneezes? 109 00:05:42,585 --> 00:05:45,378 It shows he's a caring person. 110 00:05:45,462 --> 00:05:48,298 -It's cut, Gil. Learn to let go. -Oh, very well. 111 00:05:48,464 --> 00:05:51,592 As long as I still have that delicious speech about my boyhood in Surrey. 112 00:05:51,676 --> 00:05:54,554 -Yes, that's still in. -"Romping with my school chums 113 00:05:54,721 --> 00:05:56,806 -in fens and spinneys…" -Yes, yes, that one! 114 00:05:56,890 --> 00:05:58,683 Yes, thank you. 115 00:05:59,475 --> 00:06:03,104 All right, now, I fear we may be running just a bit long still. 116 00:06:03,271 --> 00:06:05,647 So I've asked Daphne to time us this evening, 117 00:06:05,731 --> 00:06:08,024 and also, Noel hasn't rounded up all the sound effects yet, 118 00:06:08,108 --> 00:06:11,194 so I'm gonna have Daphne read those directions as well. 119 00:06:11,361 --> 00:06:13,154 Now, that's a lot of responsibility on you, 120 00:06:13,238 --> 00:06:14,740 are you sure you're up to it? 121 00:06:17,618 --> 00:06:22,204 All right. Start the watch. Stage direction. 122 00:06:22,371 --> 00:06:26,583 -"Sound of door opening." -Inspector, thank God you've come. 123 00:06:26,667 --> 00:06:28,517 -Stop the watch. -[STOPWATCH CLICKS] 124 00:06:29,128 --> 00:06:32,465 Roz, I have a line here that says, "When she opened her lips, 125 00:06:32,632 --> 00:06:34,883 I caught a hint of some exotic accent." 126 00:06:35,050 --> 00:06:39,804 You'll notice it does not say, "When she opened her lips, cheese fell out." 127 00:06:41,598 --> 00:06:43,224 Okay, and… 128 00:06:43,391 --> 00:06:45,602 Start the watch. 129 00:06:45,769 --> 00:06:47,854 This is a grisly business, Miss Thorndyke. 130 00:06:47,938 --> 00:06:49,606 "Sound of door closing." 131 00:06:49,773 --> 00:06:53,359 I can't believe any of my guests could be a multiple murderer. 132 00:06:53,525 --> 00:06:55,069 That's easy for you to say, 133 00:06:55,235 --> 00:06:59,031 but my job is to suspect everyone. Please introduce me to your guests. 134 00:06:59,490 --> 00:07:01,992 This is the silk merchant, Mr. Wang. 135 00:07:02,201 --> 00:07:03,702 [BULLDOG LAUGHS] 136 00:07:03,869 --> 00:07:05,787 Stop the watch. 137 00:07:05,954 --> 00:07:08,498 -What's your problem? -"Wang"? 138 00:07:10,249 --> 00:07:13,586 You gotta give me another name. I'll crack up every time I hear that. 139 00:07:13,670 --> 00:07:15,755 All right. All right. 140 00:07:16,756 --> 00:07:20,718 How about "Wing"? All right? That's a great old Chinese name. 141 00:07:20,885 --> 00:07:24,179 All right, everybody, change Wang to Wing in your scripts. 142 00:07:24,346 --> 00:07:27,975 Sound of people changing Wangs to Wings. 143 00:07:31,687 --> 00:07:33,939 From your line. Start. 144 00:07:34,106 --> 00:07:37,191 This is the silk merchant, Mr. Wing. 145 00:07:37,358 --> 00:07:39,443 Did you see anything suspicious, Wing? 146 00:07:39,610 --> 00:07:42,488 Oh, me no lookee. Me go beddy-bye, chop-chop. 147 00:07:42,655 --> 00:07:47,243 Stop! Chinese Embassy on line one. 148 00:07:47,535 --> 00:07:49,453 -You can't say that. -FRASIER: It's all right. 149 00:07:49,537 --> 00:07:53,248 I'll just adjust his dialogue later. All right. Start. 150 00:07:53,415 --> 00:07:57,168 I'm Nigel Fairservice, Inspector. I was strolling in the garden 151 00:07:57,335 --> 00:08:00,630 -when this dreadful tragedy occurred. -Did anyone see you? 152 00:08:00,797 --> 00:08:03,341 Several people. Hans, the German butler… 153 00:08:03,508 --> 00:08:05,009 [GERMAN ACCENT] Ja, I saw him. 154 00:08:05,093 --> 00:08:06,261 Stop. 155 00:08:06,428 --> 00:08:08,887 You know, that's wonderful, Mel… 156 00:08:09,722 --> 00:08:13,434 But he sounds to me just a bit more Austrian than German. 157 00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:17,730 I've done that accent both on Broadway and the London stage. 158 00:08:17,896 --> 00:08:20,896 Yes, well, perhaps they have different standards than I have. 159 00:08:21,275 --> 00:08:22,568 All right, everyone. 160 00:08:22,735 --> 00:08:26,028 From the beginning once again. Now, this time, please, people, dig in, 161 00:08:26,112 --> 00:08:27,512 and try to find the reality. 162 00:08:28,031 --> 00:08:30,450 From the dwarf's entrance. 163 00:08:31,743 --> 00:08:33,661 And so the case was closed. 164 00:08:33,828 --> 00:08:37,832 And with a grateful shudder, I swore I'd never return 165 00:08:37,999 --> 00:08:40,208 to Nightmare Inn. 166 00:08:40,292 --> 00:08:42,210 Stop. Time? 167 00:08:42,377 --> 00:08:45,756 -That's 32 minutes, 40 seconds. -Damn! 168 00:08:45,922 --> 00:08:47,590 I'll trim some more before we try again. 169 00:08:47,674 --> 00:08:49,217 Again? We did this four times! 170 00:08:49,301 --> 00:08:51,344 We'll do it till I'm completely satisfied. 171 00:08:51,428 --> 00:08:53,805 Oh, which reminds me, Mel… 172 00:08:55,389 --> 00:08:58,475 I'm still not entirely happy with the second McCallister sister. 173 00:08:58,559 --> 00:08:59,685 Oh? 174 00:08:59,852 --> 00:09:02,688 Well, she doesn't sound spinsterish enough to me. 175 00:09:02,855 --> 00:09:04,148 I see. 176 00:09:04,315 --> 00:09:07,401 You also told me that my gamekeeper sounded too cultured, 177 00:09:07,568 --> 00:09:10,487 that my Irishman sounded more Protestant than Catholic, 178 00:09:10,653 --> 00:09:13,573 and that my dwarf was too tall! 179 00:09:14,616 --> 00:09:17,619 Let me try Hans again and tell me how my German is sounding. 180 00:09:17,827 --> 00:09:22,373 -[GERMAN ACCENT] I quit! -Well, oh, wait! You can't… 181 00:09:22,540 --> 00:09:25,459 Sound of door slamming. 182 00:09:27,086 --> 00:09:30,046 -So, what do we do now, boss? -Not to worry. I have a plan. 183 00:09:30,130 --> 00:09:33,717 ROZ: Oh, yeah, right. We're supposed to do this thing tomorrow night. 184 00:09:33,884 --> 00:09:35,385 Where are you gonna find an idiot 185 00:09:35,469 --> 00:09:37,888 willing to take six dialect parts unrehearsed? 186 00:09:38,055 --> 00:09:39,473 Niles. 187 00:09:39,640 --> 00:09:44,185 The sound of ominous organ music indicating trouble ahead. 188 00:09:47,730 --> 00:09:49,273 GIL: Oh, there's your brother. 189 00:09:49,357 --> 00:09:51,900 How is he enjoying the prospect of playing six parts? 190 00:09:51,984 --> 00:09:54,153 Actually, he doesn't know about it yet. 191 00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:56,154 If he did, he never would have agreed. 192 00:09:56,238 --> 00:09:58,614 Frasier. You were going to messenger the script to me 193 00:09:58,698 --> 00:10:01,284 -this morning. -I'm so, so sorry, I was tinkering with it 194 00:10:01,368 --> 00:10:03,870 until the last minute. But not to worry, your natural talent 195 00:10:03,954 --> 00:10:06,581 will carry you through. All right, look, take a look at this. 196 00:10:06,665 --> 00:10:08,082 Noel will give us a demonstration 197 00:10:08,166 --> 00:10:09,834 of the sound effects. What have you got? 198 00:10:09,918 --> 00:10:11,710 Okay. 199 00:10:11,877 --> 00:10:15,297 This is my door sound, my thunder screen, 200 00:10:15,464 --> 00:10:17,550 balloons for gunshots, 201 00:10:17,716 --> 00:10:20,719 and this plays various kinds of organ music. 202 00:10:20,928 --> 00:10:22,263 [ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING] 203 00:10:22,596 --> 00:10:25,099 -Oh, yes. -That's great. 204 00:10:25,266 --> 00:10:29,185 I've also got a gravel box, bells, a rain stick and coffee thermos. 205 00:10:29,352 --> 00:10:32,647 -What does that do? -Keeps my coffee warm. 206 00:10:33,314 --> 00:10:36,818 -Everybody, this is Maxine. -Oh, hello, Maxine. Welcome. 207 00:10:36,985 --> 00:10:39,571 Hi. I need a quiet place to work on my part. 208 00:10:39,737 --> 00:10:41,239 Oh, you got it, baby. 209 00:10:41,406 --> 00:10:43,073 Why don't you go up here in the booth. 210 00:10:43,157 --> 00:10:44,324 FRASIER: Bulldog? 211 00:10:45,367 --> 00:10:47,244 Work on her part? It's just one line. 212 00:10:47,411 --> 00:10:49,871 Yeah, but she's got that condition, what do you call it? 213 00:10:49,955 --> 00:10:51,999 It begins with a "dis." Dis, dis… 214 00:10:52,166 --> 00:10:53,375 Distemper? 215 00:10:55,085 --> 00:10:57,462 Dyslexia. That's it, she's dyslexic. 216 00:10:57,629 --> 00:11:00,529 -And you tell me that now. -No, no. Hey, she'll be great. 217 00:11:00,673 --> 00:11:02,132 It's me I'm worried about. 218 00:11:02,216 --> 00:11:04,134 I've got some serious butterflies going here. 219 00:11:04,218 --> 00:11:05,719 But you're on radio all the time. 220 00:11:05,803 --> 00:11:09,891 Yeah, but that's me being me. This is acting. It's… It's scary. 221 00:11:11,642 --> 00:11:14,310 Listen, that's all a part of the thrill of the live performance, 222 00:11:14,394 --> 00:11:15,896 butterflies in the stomach, 223 00:11:16,062 --> 00:11:19,191 sweaty palms, scratchy throat, pounding heart. 224 00:11:19,357 --> 00:11:22,777 -I suppose you have all of those. -I do now. 225 00:11:24,446 --> 00:11:29,742 [MUMBLING] Sorry I'm late, Frasier. I just spent two hours in the dentist's chair. 226 00:11:31,202 --> 00:11:34,955 -An emergency. -What is the matter? 227 00:11:35,122 --> 00:11:39,043 Novocain. He said it would wear off by now. 228 00:11:39,210 --> 00:11:42,129 Oh, I keep biting my lip. 229 00:11:43,672 --> 00:11:45,965 Dear God. We've got 60 seconds. 230 00:11:46,132 --> 00:11:47,842 Well, I don't even know who I'm playing. 231 00:11:47,926 --> 00:11:49,802 Don't worry, I'll cue you as we go along. 232 00:11:49,886 --> 00:11:51,804 -Shouldn't I prepare a little? -Now, listen, 233 00:11:51,888 --> 00:11:54,265 your natural spontaneity is your best asset as an actor. 234 00:11:54,349 --> 00:11:56,767 What was it the Yale Daily News said about your Tartuffe? 235 00:11:56,851 --> 00:11:59,436 Oh, who remembers? That I had the magnetism of Marlon Brando, 236 00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:02,522 the charm of Danny Kaye and the range of Laurence Olivier. 237 00:12:03,106 --> 00:12:05,317 All right, everyone. Places, please. 238 00:12:05,484 --> 00:12:08,195 -Hurry up, it's starting! -All right. 239 00:12:08,362 --> 00:12:10,947 FRASIER: Good evening. This is Frasier Crane 240 00:12:11,031 --> 00:12:15,660 welcoming you to KACL's re-creation of the original Mystery Theater. 241 00:12:15,826 --> 00:12:19,204 I already know the plot, but I'll try not to blurt out the name of the murderer. 242 00:12:19,288 --> 00:12:23,292 Great. As a cop, I hated it when people did that. 243 00:12:24,627 --> 00:12:26,503 FRASIER: In all my years at the Yard, 244 00:12:26,587 --> 00:12:29,131 I doubt I'd ever seen a fouler night… 245 00:12:30,424 --> 00:12:34,261 Than that on which I was called out to investigate a double murder 246 00:12:34,427 --> 00:12:37,013 at the old inn on the moors. 247 00:12:41,226 --> 00:12:44,771 The door was answered by Miss Carlotta Thorndyke. 248 00:12:46,563 --> 00:12:47,856 Her face was unfamiliar, 249 00:12:48,023 --> 00:12:49,775 and when she opened her lips, 250 00:12:49,942 --> 00:12:53,195 I caught a hint of some exotic accent. 251 00:12:53,362 --> 00:12:54,822 Inspector… Ow. 252 00:12:57,199 --> 00:12:59,868 Thank God you've come. 253 00:13:07,458 --> 00:13:10,503 This is a grisly business, Miss Thorndyke. 254 00:13:10,837 --> 00:13:16,676 I can't believe any of my guests could be a multiple murderer. 255 00:13:22,139 --> 00:13:25,225 That's easy for you to say. 256 00:13:26,852 --> 00:13:29,646 But my job is to suspect everybody. 257 00:13:29,813 --> 00:13:31,398 Please introduce me to your… 258 00:13:31,565 --> 00:13:36,986 No, no. Never mind. I know your guests by reputation. 259 00:13:37,153 --> 00:13:39,864 This must be Mr. Wing, the silk merchant. 260 00:13:40,031 --> 00:13:42,533 Did you witness anything suspicious, Wing? 261 00:13:44,869 --> 00:13:49,998 Of course, the inscrutable and mute Mr. Wing… 262 00:13:51,166 --> 00:13:53,126 Who… 263 00:13:54,044 --> 00:13:56,171 Wears a bell on his hat. 264 00:13:56,379 --> 00:13:59,299 Did you witness anything suspicious, Wing? 265 00:14:01,259 --> 00:14:03,594 No, eh? I'll remember you said that. 266 00:14:05,304 --> 00:14:07,431 I'm Nigel Fairservice, Inspector. 267 00:14:07,598 --> 00:14:11,143 I was strolling in the garden when this dreadful tragedy occurred. 268 00:14:11,310 --> 00:14:13,479 -Did anyone see you? -Several people. 269 00:14:13,645 --> 00:14:16,023 Hans, the German butler. 270 00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:20,109 Ja, I saw the gentleman. 271 00:14:20,276 --> 00:14:22,278 O'Toole, the gardener. 272 00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:27,658 Aye, 'twas himself and no mistake. 273 00:14:27,992 --> 00:14:30,912 As well as Prudence McCallister. 274 00:14:34,290 --> 00:14:37,209 Yes, I was taking a breath of air. 275 00:14:37,876 --> 00:14:41,755 I tried to shake Nigel's alibi, but each witness was adamant. 276 00:14:41,922 --> 00:14:43,506 -O'Toole: -Faith, and it's true. 277 00:14:43,590 --> 00:14:44,758 -Hans: -Jawohl. 278 00:14:44,966 --> 00:14:47,761 -Miss McCallister: -Oh, mercy, yes. 279 00:14:47,928 --> 00:14:49,970 There remained one suspect whose whereabouts 280 00:14:50,054 --> 00:14:51,555 had not yet been established. 281 00:14:51,722 --> 00:14:54,683 Peppo the dwarf, a retired circus performer. 282 00:14:57,353 --> 00:15:01,357 Exactly where were you when the murders occurred, Peppo? 283 00:15:10,156 --> 00:15:12,700 Peppo! Where were you? 284 00:15:12,867 --> 00:15:15,120 I was at the movies. 285 00:15:16,746 --> 00:15:18,998 At the movies, you say? 286 00:15:19,165 --> 00:15:22,376 Well, one quick phone call can verify that. 287 00:15:23,127 --> 00:15:25,087 What's this? 288 00:15:25,254 --> 00:15:28,715 Dear God! The phone lines have been cut. 289 00:15:28,882 --> 00:15:31,176 [ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING] 290 00:15:31,844 --> 00:15:33,637 Now we're really stranded. 291 00:15:33,804 --> 00:15:37,056 Totally and completely isolated from any contact 292 00:15:37,223 --> 00:15:38,724 with the outside world. 293 00:15:38,891 --> 00:15:40,435 [PHONE RINGS] 294 00:15:40,601 --> 00:15:42,520 Studio Five. 295 00:15:42,728 --> 00:15:44,480 Sorry. 296 00:15:48,818 --> 00:15:52,946 The phone lines have been repaired, you say? Hello? 297 00:15:53,113 --> 00:15:55,532 Wait! They've gone dead again. 298 00:15:57,284 --> 00:16:00,454 Who knows what other surprises this night may bring. 299 00:16:00,620 --> 00:16:04,040 I don't remember the plots of these things being so goofy. 300 00:16:04,207 --> 00:16:07,418 Mr. Wing wasn't mute last night. 301 00:16:09,003 --> 00:16:11,129 Six different roles in six different accents? 302 00:16:11,213 --> 00:16:12,663 I've half a mind to walk out. 303 00:16:12,756 --> 00:16:14,925 Yes, I'm sorry, Niles, but you're doing brilliantly. 304 00:16:15,009 --> 00:16:18,053 Except your… Your Hans could be a bit gruffer. 305 00:16:18,220 --> 00:16:21,890 -Don't direct me. -I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You're right. 306 00:16:21,974 --> 00:16:23,891 Right now, frankly, I'm just a bit more worried 307 00:16:23,975 --> 00:16:25,768 -about being over time. Gil! -GIL: Yes? 308 00:16:25,852 --> 00:16:28,146 At the bottom of page 14, listen, 309 00:16:28,313 --> 00:16:31,733 after you're shot, just say, "I'm dying." Cut the rest. 310 00:16:32,650 --> 00:16:36,029 -That's my boyhood-in-Surrey speech. -Yes, I know. 311 00:16:36,196 --> 00:16:40,199 -You can't cut that, you can't. -Stop whining. We have a play to do. 312 00:16:40,365 --> 00:16:42,659 I don't care anymore. 313 00:16:43,827 --> 00:16:46,788 All right. Please, quiet, everybody. Ten seconds. 314 00:16:46,955 --> 00:16:49,374 Oh, Maxine, be sure to watch out for your cue, 315 00:16:49,541 --> 00:16:52,169 and please, people, let's pick up the pace! 316 00:16:53,462 --> 00:16:55,630 [ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING] 317 00:16:55,838 --> 00:16:59,258 Nightmare Inn. Act Two. 318 00:16:59,425 --> 00:17:02,845 I was baffled. They all had alibis. 319 00:17:03,012 --> 00:17:07,016 Suddenly Miss Thorndyke pointed, her eyes wide with alarm. 320 00:17:07,183 --> 00:17:09,101 There's someone outside the window! 321 00:17:09,267 --> 00:17:10,685 FRASIER: Why, yes, Miss Thorndyke. 322 00:17:10,769 --> 00:17:12,354 It appears to be… 323 00:17:12,521 --> 00:17:16,233 [CALLIOPE MUSIC PLAYING] 324 00:17:18,777 --> 00:17:21,112 …the ice cream truck. 325 00:17:23,573 --> 00:17:25,991 But never mind that. 326 00:17:27,117 --> 00:17:29,328 Suddenly… 327 00:17:29,495 --> 00:17:32,331 The storm put the lights out. 328 00:17:33,958 --> 00:17:37,294 And we were left in darkness. 329 00:17:37,711 --> 00:17:39,588 Then, a scream. 330 00:17:39,755 --> 00:17:44,842 Ah! Look out! He's got a nug! 331 00:17:52,225 --> 00:17:54,978 A gun! 332 00:17:55,144 --> 00:17:57,312 A gun is what he's got! 333 00:17:59,147 --> 00:18:00,899 When the lights came back up, 334 00:18:01,066 --> 00:18:02,818 a smoking gun lay on the table. 335 00:18:02,985 --> 00:18:06,530 The maid lay dead, unable to name her killer, 336 00:18:06,697 --> 00:18:10,409 and Nigel Fairservice lay mortally wounded. 337 00:18:10,576 --> 00:18:12,034 I'm dying. 338 00:18:12,201 --> 00:18:13,619 Poor man was gone. 339 00:18:13,786 --> 00:18:18,124 Never again to revisit the scene of my boyhood in Surrey. 340 00:18:18,291 --> 00:18:22,003 Romping with my school chums in the fens and spinneys… 341 00:18:22,169 --> 00:18:25,298 Just then, the lights went out again! 342 00:18:25,464 --> 00:18:27,966 Nigel Fairservice was shot again. 343 00:18:28,133 --> 00:18:30,176 Only grazed me. 344 00:18:31,636 --> 00:18:35,056 When the twilight bathed the hedgerows like a lambent… 345 00:18:35,223 --> 00:18:39,060 The final bullet blew his head clean off his shoulders. 346 00:18:42,855 --> 00:18:45,524 All right, people, let's try to keep calm. 347 00:18:45,691 --> 00:18:48,360 Although it's hard when the killer is among us. 348 00:18:50,779 --> 00:18:53,449 Heigh-ho, I'm Nigel's brother, Cedric. 349 00:18:53,616 --> 00:18:56,869 I haven't seen him since our boyhood. We'd romp… 350 00:18:58,077 --> 00:19:03,374 And so died the last surviving member of the Fairservice family. 351 00:19:04,709 --> 00:19:07,045 Boy, I sure didn't see that one coming. 352 00:19:07,253 --> 00:19:08,296 [KNOCKING] 353 00:19:08,463 --> 00:19:10,172 GIL: Hello, I'm the ice cream man. 354 00:19:10,256 --> 00:19:13,592 Years ago I went to school with Nigel Fairservice. 355 00:19:14,676 --> 00:19:17,387 We used to romp in the fens and spinneys… 356 00:19:17,471 --> 00:19:19,097 [BALLOON POPS] 357 00:19:21,433 --> 00:19:23,602 This is turning into a bloodbath. 358 00:19:24,811 --> 00:19:28,148 See, that's why I prefer TV. You want to be able to see that stuff. 359 00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:34,403 By this time, I was more baffled than ever, so I played a hunch. 360 00:19:34,570 --> 00:19:38,240 Hans, may I see your fingernails? 361 00:19:38,407 --> 00:19:41,035 -Why? -They seem a bit ragged 362 00:19:41,202 --> 00:19:43,454 -for a butler. -All right, all right, 363 00:19:43,621 --> 00:19:47,290 I'm not what I appear. None of us is. I'm not a butler. 364 00:19:47,457 --> 00:19:48,958 I'm not even… 365 00:19:49,125 --> 00:19:50,168 German. 366 00:19:50,335 --> 00:19:52,087 [ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING] 367 00:19:53,463 --> 00:19:56,340 Sit down, Inspector. You're about to hear a fascinating tale. 368 00:19:56,424 --> 00:19:59,219 Each of us holds a piece of the puzzle 369 00:19:59,386 --> 00:20:01,136 to relate to you. When we've finished, 370 00:20:01,220 --> 00:20:05,474 you'll know the full, dark secret of Nightmare Inn. 371 00:20:05,641 --> 00:20:07,351 Are you sure we should, Hans? 372 00:20:09,561 --> 00:20:11,188 Be quiet, Mother. 373 00:20:11,355 --> 00:20:14,108 [ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING] 374 00:20:14,316 --> 00:20:17,735 Mother and I moved here when I was a small boy after 375 00:20:18,194 --> 00:20:20,697 the tragic death of my father. 376 00:20:20,863 --> 00:20:23,866 I kept the pain of that loss buried deep within me 377 00:20:24,033 --> 00:20:27,120 like a serpent coiled within a damp cave. 378 00:20:27,286 --> 00:20:28,371 Okay, that's it. 379 00:20:29,664 --> 00:20:30,956 Never mind all that. 380 00:20:31,123 --> 00:20:33,373 I'm just going to take this gun off the table. 381 00:20:33,709 --> 00:20:35,009 Sorry about that, O'Toole. 382 00:20:35,168 --> 00:20:38,218 I guess we'll never hear your fascinating piece of the puzzle. 383 00:20:39,381 --> 00:20:41,717 Or yours, Kragen and Peppo. 384 00:20:44,553 --> 00:20:46,637 Could the McCallister sisters stand back-to-back? 385 00:20:46,721 --> 00:20:48,431 I'm short on bullets. 386 00:20:49,932 --> 00:20:51,100 Thank you. 387 00:20:51,267 --> 00:20:52,893 -What was your name? -Miss Thorndyke. 388 00:20:52,977 --> 00:20:54,478 Thank you. 389 00:20:56,647 --> 00:20:58,733 And also Mr. Wing. 390 00:21:03,862 --> 00:21:06,281 And, of course, one final bullet for myself, 391 00:21:06,448 --> 00:21:08,491 so the mystery will die with me. 392 00:21:08,908 --> 00:21:09,993 Ha. 393 00:21:20,544 --> 00:21:22,129 Well, then… 394 00:21:23,338 --> 00:21:25,674 That pretty much wrapped things up. 395 00:21:27,134 --> 00:21:31,180 Hans was a mass murderer, to the surprise of everyone. 396 00:21:32,388 --> 00:21:36,225 Case was closed. And with a grateful shudder, 397 00:21:36,392 --> 00:21:41,147 I swore I'd never return to Nightmare Inn. 398 00:21:41,773 --> 00:21:46,027 [ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING] 399 00:21:48,612 --> 00:21:53,450 Well, we still have, um… 400 00:21:54,951 --> 00:21:56,369 Nine minutes remaining. 401 00:22:01,416 --> 00:22:05,085 Perhaps we could have a little post-play discussion. 402 00:22:12,718 --> 00:22:13,760 [THEME SONG PLAYING] 403 00:22:13,844 --> 00:22:16,820 ♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪ 404 00:22:16,904 --> 00:22:19,473 ♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪ 405 00:22:19,557 --> 00:22:20,558 Quite stylish. 406 00:22:20,642 --> 00:22:23,102 ♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪ 407 00:22:23,186 --> 00:22:25,604 ♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪ 408 00:22:25,688 --> 00:22:27,982 Ha, ha, ha, ha! 409 00:22:28,066 --> 00:22:29,817 ♪ But I don't know what to do ♪ 410 00:22:29,901 --> 00:22:33,112 ♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪ 411 00:22:34,030 --> 00:22:36,197 ♪ They're callin' again ♪ 412 00:22:36,281 --> 00:22:38,367 Frasier has left the building.