[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Trick or treat.
Or should I say "pip, pip"?
What's with the outfit?
This is part of your costume. I just picked it up for you.
What? You said you were getting me a Sherlock Holmes outfit.
-He didn't wear a bowler. -They were out of Sherlock Holmes.
I put together something else.
Don't worry, it's another detective. Tonight you'll be Lord Peter Whimsy.
Who the hell's that?
He's a celebrated bon vivant sleuth
from a series of novels by Dorothy L. Sayers.
I'm not going anywhere where I have to tell people my name's Whimsy.
Oh, no, forget it. I'm just gonna wear my old police uniform.
You can't. It's a Halloween ball for the Library Association.
You have to go dressed as a character from literature.
Oh, why didn't I just tell Sherry
I'd go with her to visit her mother in prison?
Come on, Dad, it'll be fun. I'm going to go as Cyrano de Bergerac.
Musician. Philosopher. Fighter. Poet.
The greatest friend and the bravest swordsman alive.
Ew, what's all over your cane?
I don't know. I dropped it in the movie theater last night.
FRASIER: I love this picture.
-You look adorable in that. -[LAUGHS] Oh, I do not.
You just like it because you look so handsome in it.
Well, the camera doesn't lie.
What are you two giggling about?
Oh, we're just looking at the snapshots from our trip to the microbrewery.
That must have been especially fun for you, Dad.
-You're not in any of these. -I didn't go.
That was the day Eddie got into the poison oak.
I was up all night rubbing calamine lotion on his belly.
These really are the golden years for you, aren't they?
-So it was just you and Frasier? -Yes. [CHUCKLES]
Your brother and I got pretty silly after tasting all that beer.
There's no need to tell Niles everything we did that night.
Yes, we got a bit naughty. [LAUGHS]
Well, not too naughty, I hope.
Oh, now, now, Dr. Crane, I know what you're thinking.
But not to worry. After all that drinking, we didn't drive home.
We spent the night in a motel.
-Well, that takes a load off my mind. -Mm.
Well, Niles, what time is this little soiree of yours this evening?
Yeah, I still gotta get the velvet in my slippers re-crushed.
All right, Dad, I will find you a Sherlock Holmes outfit.
7 p.m.
Which reminds me, I have to get home before Marta arrives to set up.
She's arachnophobic, poor thing.
Last Halloween, she beat my centerpiece to bits with a broom.
Well, perhaps we should go finish up those costumes, eh, wife?
-Yes. [GIGGLES] -Did you say "wife"?
Hasn't your brother told you?
Dr. Crane is going as Geoffrey Chaucer from The Canterbury Tales,
and I'll be dressed as the Wife of Bath.
Yes, and a saucy little strumpet she is too.
Oh.
-You naughty rogue. [GIGGLES] -Well…
We've been having quite a time talking to each other like that.
Yes, it's been ye olde laugh riot around here.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
Join me in my bed chamber, my Lord?
After you, my juicy wench.
"My juicy wench"? No, not you, Maris.
Wait, wait, wait. I hope you're happy. She's run for her water pills.
Roz, who's on the line?
Uh, on line four we have Ted who is feeling a little disconnected.
Go ahead, Ted.
[DIAL TONE]
Well, I hope Ted appreciates irony.
On line two, we have Bill.
He's going through a very difficult transition.
Hello, Bill.
WOMAN: Hello? Is someone there?
Well, I see we're pretty much through our transition, aren't we, Bill?
This is Dorothy.
Oh, Bill's on line one.
Yes, well, let's just stay with Dorothy for the time being.
How can I help you?
You can get me Roz.
I'm her manicurist, and she called for an appointment.
I'll call you back later, Dorothy.
Perhaps we'd better take a moment to regroup.
I would like to apologize to everyone for the unusually high number
of technical difficulties we've experienced today.
And now we will go to these public service messages.
Explain yourself.
I'm just a little off my game today.
A little?
Okay, a lot.
Roz, you come in here looking ghoulish, even for Halloween,
and you sleepwalk your way through my entire show.
Oh.
I'm sorry, Frasier.
Sorry just doesn't cut it, Roz.
What kind of explanation can there possibly be
for this level of unprofessionalism?
I think I'm pregnant.
-Pregnant? -Well, I don't know for sure yet.
I took one of those home tests, and it was sort of iffy,
so I went to see my doctor, and he's gonna call me with results later.
But, Roz, how?
I don't know how.
No one is more careful than I am when it comes to birth control.
But then again, even the best protection
is only effective 99 out of a hundred times.
I can't beat those odds.
Yes, I suppose you've been dodging that bullet for a long time now.
Frasier, promise me you won't tell anyone.
Oh, of course not, Roz,
but, well, frankly, we don't even know if we have anything to tell yet.
What if there is?
We'll just deal with that. No use crossing that bridge until we come to it.
I can't get my mind off it.
Well, you know, Niles's party is tonight. That should serve as a distraction.
Frasier, I don't think I'm up for that.
Oh, come on, Roz.
Well, I did rent a costume and all.
For me? It'll be fun. You know you want to.
That's exactly the kind of talk that got me into this.
Hey, tell your brother I'm coming to his charity thing tonight.
-Yes. -I just found the perfect costume.
As what literary character will you be attending?
Waldo.
From Where's Waldo?
He's, like, in 16 books.
You call yourself well-read.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[GUESTS CHATTERING]
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Niles Crane.
Maris, where are you?
You're still at the beauty parlor?
Wh… No. Calm down, calm down.
Stop crying. It can't be as bad as all that.
Exactly how much hair do you have left?
Oh.
Well, don't panic.
We just have to find another character for you to be tonight.
Uh, there's an Ionesco play called The Bald Soprano. [CHUCKLES]
No, I'm joking, Maris.
Wh… You've got to come.
Maris, for God's sake, you have 37 wigs.
Just go down to the wig vault and pick one.
Maris, this evening means a great deal to me.
I need you here with me. Do you care about my feelings at all?
Well, that answers that.
So how's the party?
Actually, we just got here. We had a bit of a delay.
Sherlock here led us to the wrong apartment.
Ah.
So we're a minute late.
You didn't complain when the old lady gave us peanut butter cups.
-NILES: Evening, all. -Niles.
Oh, what lovely costumes.
Daphne, you look particularly beautiful.
Oh, thanks. I'm not sure I agree. It's a bit tight.
I must have put on a pound of two.
That's enough out of you, you wanton trollop,
or I'll smite your bawdy backside with the flat of my sinewy right hand.
At least on the ride over here I could stick my head out the window.
So where's the bar?
It's right over here. I'm serving grog and mead.
Which one tastes most like beer?
Oh, Roz. Oh, I'm so glad you came.
-Any word from the doctor? -No, and I am going crazy.
I can't even picture myself as a mother. Can you?
Well, I don't think discipline will be a problem.
I'll just hang this up.
Wow, Roz, don't you look smashing.
What an interesting costume. Who are you?
I'm "O" from The Story of O.
ALL: Oh.
It's gonna be a long night.
Well, I think you look particularly lovely tonight.
There's a real glow about you.
Oh, no. Oh, God. Not a glow.
I'm sorry. I'm just a little jumpy.
I had kind of an accident,
and I just haven't found out what the damage is yet.
I need to check my machine. Do you know where a phone is?
Yeah, there's one at the top of the stairs.
-Thank you. -Try not to worry.
A few years back I got rear-ended. Is that what happened to you?
Not exactly.
-Oh, hello. -Hi.
Are you here alone?
Oh, God, I hope so.
Oh, my.
What a delectable medley of fromagian splendor.
You must try one.
Mmm. Cheesy.
Mmm, yes, cheesy.
Le mot juste.
It must be glorious to have such a happy knack for clarity and concision.
Yup.
-So who are you supposed to be? -Chingachgook.
-I'm the last of the Mohicans. -Oh.
Well, that little mystery's solved.
-Daphne, have you seen Roz? -She's probably on the phone.
Seems like every 15 minutes she's calling her machine again.
This little accident's got her pretty worried.
She told you about it?
Champagne?
Not now, Niles. Please, excuse us. We need a moment alone.
Roz told me all about it. It's no big deal.
Accidents happen even when you're being careful.
I had one myself a few years back.
-Oh, Daphne, really? -Yeah.
It was one of those real wham-bam numbers.
He was drunk and I wasn't paying attention.
I called and called, but never got a penny out of him.
I had no idea.
Well, it's not so bad.
For goodness' sake,
back in Manchester, with all those drunken louts out and about,
it must have happened to me at least a dozen times.
Really? I had no…
Really? Well…
Of course, nothing is certain until we get the pregnancy test results.
Pregnancy?
We're not talking about a car accident, are we?
Oh, dear.
Roz is pregnant?
Absolutely not. Where could you get such an insane notion?
-You just said she was. -Shut up.
Or I'm smite you with the back of my sinewy right hand. Just get back here.
-Did you notice where Frasier went? -No idea.
-What about Daphne? -Haven't a clue.
Holmes, you astound me.
Oh, I just feel terrible about this.
Roz swore me to secrecy.
-I never should have said anything. -It's not your fault. You thought I knew.
Do you have a tissue? These silly lashes are killing my eyes.
I must be allergic to the adhesive.
Just promise me you won't tell a soul.
-We've got to keep this secret. -All right.
But we can't keep it a secret forever.
-My God, we are talking about a baby. -Oh.
How could I have been so careless?
These things happen. It's not your fault.
You know who'll get the blame if this ever gets out.
Don't worry. I'll protect your reputation.
-I'll tell everyone I forced you to do it. -All right.
We better get back to the party before people start wondering about us.
Oh. Oh, hello, Niles.
What's your nose all bent out of shape about? [LAUGHS]
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[GUESTS CHATTERING]
Oh, there's a literary figure I'd like to know better. [CHUCKLES]
-Just a minute. I need a word with you. -What about?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Stay there. I have guests to greet.
Trick or treat.
-How did you get past the doorman? -We live in the building.
I'm sorry, this isn't a good night for this.
-But it's Halloween. -Oh, very well.
Crab puff for you, and some gravlax for you, and pâté for Dracula.
Now off you go.
I need to talk to you.
-Not now, Niles. -But…
Let me guess.
-Lady Godiva? -No, Eve.
From the Bible.
Well, now I know why they call it the "Good Book."
[BOTH LAUGHING]
What are you doing? Are you going to abandon Daphne?
I gave her a ride doesn't mean I have to spend the whole evening with her.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hey. Hey, get a load of that schnozzola.
No, wait, wait. Wait a minute. Guess who I am?
-I give up. -I'm Waldo.
From Where's Waldo?
[GROANS] That guy you can't find because he blends into the crowd.
I don't know, but I'd love a demonstration.
And to think that all that time,
your cat was curled up in your sock drawer.
They're almost human, aren't they?
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Pardon me, I need a word with my brother.
Not now, Niles.
I'm doing really well here. This pointy hat is a babe magnet.
It's urgent.
Just keep your voice down.
I'm sorry. Will you excuse me?
Sure, but hurry back.
Your boorish behavior is simply appalling. I can no longer hold my tongue.
Replace tongue with liquor, and I'll believe you. You're drunk, Niles.
Drunk like a fox.
I know about the baby.
-You do? Who told you? -Yes.
I heard it from Daphne's own lips.
-Daphne? -Yes.
That blabbermouth. I'll wring her neck.
Listen to yourself. Have you no conscience?
You're getting awfully exercised about this.
But we're talking about a single woman with a baby.
What do you intend to do?
Well, I suppose I could give her a raise.
That's your idea of responsibility? Give her a raise?
Well, what do you want me to do, marry her?
Let's look at something here. She's the one that got pregnant.
-Hello, Roz. -Beat it, Niles.
-[DOORBELL RINGS] -Stay here.
I am so mad at you, I could scream.
-How could you tell Niles about the baby? -I didn't.
Daphne told him, that damnable chatterbox.
-And who told Daphne? -Well…
That would be me.
Ah! What is it with all you children?
Isn't it past your bedtime?
Dr. Crane, it's me, Dr. Krovitz.
Of course it is. And this must be your lovely wife, Sylvia.
-I don't know her. -Trick or treat.
What's wrong with you?
I specifically asked you not to tell anyone.
I'm sorry, but it sounded as if she already knew you were having a baby.
What? You are?
Oh, great. Nice going, Frasier.
I'm sorry, but he is the master of deduction.
He would have figured it out.
Just let it out. I'm here for you.
I keep telling you, I'm not crying.
It's me damn lashes.
As courageous as you are beautiful.
Oh, you shouldn't be drinking this poison.
Here, Roz, drink this.
-Roz, do you have a tissue? -If you don't see it, I don't have it.
I'm sorry. Do you want to go get a cocktail napkin over here?
Hurry back, brave girl.
Oh, just look at her, poor thing.
What are you talking about?
Oh. Well, I suppose you'll find out sooner or later.
There's a baby on the way.
Oh, you know about that too?
Who told you?
I heard Frasier and Roz talking about it.
You don't seem very surprised.
Well, I am fond of her, but let's face it, she's no Sunday school teacher.
She's been around the block a few times. [CHUCKLES]
Well, instead of heaping scorn on her, you might put the blame where it belongs.
On Frasier.
-Look at him, the shameless Casanova. -What's Frasier got to do with this?
-He's the father. -What?
-Are you kidding me? -Well, I heard it from his own mouth.
Well, I don't believe it.
-I gotta go talk to him. -Wait. Wait.
I've just made a momentous decision.
There's one person in this family who still has a sense of honor and decency.
Frasier may not be able to do right by that woman, but I will.
What are you talking about?
I'm gonna propose to her.
Are you nuts? You're still married.
Maris never needed me. But there's a woman here who does.
Boy, I didn't know you even liked her.
Yes, I wore that mask well.
But now it's time to do the honorable thing.
Oh, you mean divorce your wife
and marry the woman who's carrying your brother's child?
I've made up my mind.
-Nothing's going to stop me, Dad. -Uh, excuse me, Niles.
I'm afraid there's been a bit of an hors d'œuvre mishap on your Persian rug.
Just call me "Fumbles With Crab Puffs."
Not now, Gil.
There's no sense fretting about it until you know for sure.
Oh, God. My eyes are just getting worse.
I suppose I should ask Dr. Crane to take me home.
I feel bad ruining his good time.
I was having fun too.
There are some very attractive men here.
But who's going to want me in this condition?
Oh, don't worry about Frasier.
-He'll take care of you. -[NILES CACKLES]
That's a laugh. Beat it, Roz.
-Dr. Crane. -Never mind.
I have to go check my machine.
Daphne, we've known each other for four years now.
Wait. I want to take the time to phrase this just right.
Well, you take all the time you need. I've got to go find your brother.
Dr. Crane, can I talk to you for a moment?
I'm sorry, will you excuse me?
It's okay.
I'll go freshen my lipstick. I feel naked without it.
[CHUCKLES]
Haven't you ruined my evening enough?
What are you talking about?
I am talking about you and your blabbermouth.
-Niles told me you told him. -I did not!
Oh, don't play innocent with me.
Look, I don't mean to ruin your evening, but I can't stay at the party like this.
Look at my eyes.
Oh, well, I am dreadfully sorry for your condition, Daphne,
but it's your own fault.
You should have read the directions on the package before you used it.
I don't know why you're blaming this whole mess on me.
I just know I need a lift home right now.
Oh, all right, but I'm not leaving here until I get Eve's phone number,
so you can just sit, have a drink,
smoke a cigarette if you like.
I am very attracted to this woman,
and I'm not gonna let you and your problem stand in my way.
That's enough.
Get your big nose out of this.
Lower your voice. You're embarrassing yourself.
The only thing I'm embarrassed about is that you're my brother,
you cad, you bounder, you roué.
What is wrong about trying to get a woman's phone number?
We're not interested in your next conquest.
We're talking about your last one.
And before you deny it, I have plenty of proof.
From here, it smells like 80 proof.
A woman stands here before you in dire need.
It's really not that bad. I can find someone else who'll take me.
Indeed you can.
-Niles… -I told you, don't try to stop me.
You have the audacity to seduce this poor woman,
and then you aren't man enough to stand by her?
Before you make a complete ass of yourself…
Stop or I'll teach you a long overdue lesson in chivalry.
But Dr. Crane, you…
NILES: No. No.
Don't defend him.
There may be one bastard in this family,
but as long as I have anything to say about it,
your baby won't be another.
Daphne…
Will you marry me?
Oh, for God's sake, you drunken imbecile.
Daphne's not the one who's pregnant. Roz is.
Roz is?
-Who's Roz? -She's the one dressed like "O."
ALL: Oh.
That was very gallant, Dr. Crane.
Perhaps you should propose to Roz.
If anybody's gonna propose, it's Frasier.
-What? -How can you do that, get her pregnant?
It was Frasier?
Listen, everybody, I am not the father of Roz's baby.
In fact, we don't even know for sure if there is a baby.
We do now.
[FRASIER SIGHS]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Oh, my.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
What is a boy to do?
Frasier has left the building.