1 00:00:02,044 --> 00:00:04,046 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] 2 00:00:09,093 --> 00:00:11,637 Well, Karl, I think you've got two choices. 3 00:00:11,721 --> 00:00:15,683 Either you have the tattoo removed or you travel the globe 4 00:00:15,767 --> 00:00:18,186 searching for another soul mate named Fredwina. 5 00:00:21,106 --> 00:00:22,233 We'll be right back. 6 00:00:23,108 --> 00:00:26,736 Hey, I was just going over this offer you got from the Siren Cruise Line. 7 00:00:26,820 --> 00:00:27,779 They want to know… 8 00:00:27,863 --> 00:00:30,699 Roz, Roz, you know my policy on commercial endorsements. 9 00:00:30,783 --> 00:00:32,869 Just listen. One of their celebrity entertainers 10 00:00:32,953 --> 00:00:34,996 canceled on a cruise going to Alaska, 11 00:00:35,080 --> 00:00:37,331 and they'll let us both go for free if you'll fill in. 12 00:00:37,415 --> 00:00:39,792 And all you have to do is give a brief lecture… 13 00:00:39,876 --> 00:00:42,628 Roz, I'm a psychiatrist, not a huckster. 14 00:00:42,712 --> 00:00:45,299 There's still some of us in this profession who believe in… 15 00:00:45,383 --> 00:00:46,467 Mahogany wainscoting? 16 00:00:47,635 --> 00:00:48,760 Isn't that fabulous? 17 00:00:48,844 --> 00:00:50,554 -And look at those staterooms. -Wow. 18 00:00:50,638 --> 00:00:53,932 Not to mention the world-class health spa and the gourmet chefs… 19 00:00:54,016 --> 00:00:56,352 -It certainly does sound tempting. -I know. 20 00:00:56,436 --> 00:01:00,148 I just don't think it's right to trade on one's good name for a free trip. 21 00:01:00,232 --> 00:01:01,357 Plenty of people do. 22 00:01:01,441 --> 00:01:04,777 Look, last month, Zubin Mehta did one and General Schwarzkopf. 23 00:01:04,861 --> 00:01:06,988 It says right here Gore Vidal did two of them. 24 00:01:07,072 --> 00:01:08,031 Gore Vidal? 25 00:01:08,115 --> 00:01:09,200 He hates everything. 26 00:01:10,702 --> 00:01:12,870 But if you feel it would tarnish your image, 27 00:01:12,954 --> 00:01:15,164 I'll just go call Vicki and tell her you decided to pass. 28 00:01:15,248 --> 00:01:17,208 Vicki? Who's Vicki? 29 00:01:17,292 --> 00:01:18,626 Oh, she books the celebrities. 30 00:01:18,710 --> 00:01:20,461 I met her at a party once years ago. 31 00:01:20,545 --> 00:01:23,256 I was surprised she remembered me. Frasier, we're on in 15 seconds. 32 00:01:23,340 --> 00:01:24,299 Just wait a minute. 33 00:01:24,383 --> 00:01:26,384 You didn't tell me this was a favor for a good friend. 34 00:01:26,468 --> 00:01:27,302 She's not. 35 00:01:27,386 --> 00:01:28,803 Obviously she means something to you. 36 00:01:28,887 --> 00:01:30,514 It's an awkward position you've put me. 37 00:01:30,598 --> 00:01:32,948 -Frasier, I don't care… -All right, I'll go! 38 00:01:34,811 --> 00:01:37,522 This is the last I pull your chestnuts out of the fire. 39 00:01:41,151 --> 00:01:43,152 [PLAYING MELANCHOLY MELODY] 40 00:01:43,236 --> 00:01:45,448 [THUNDER RUMBLING] 41 00:01:47,617 --> 00:01:50,161 -Hello, Dr. Crane. -Hello, Daphne. 42 00:01:50,870 --> 00:01:53,205 You're looking very comfortable for afternoon. 43 00:01:53,289 --> 00:01:54,122 Yeah. 44 00:01:54,206 --> 00:01:56,124 I just love days like this. 45 00:01:56,208 --> 00:01:58,462 Nothing to do, nowhere to go. 46 00:01:59,087 --> 00:02:02,132 Although I have a nagging suspicion I've forgotten something. 47 00:02:02,633 --> 00:02:03,759 Like getting dressed? 48 00:02:05,469 --> 00:02:08,221 Oh, I could just watch the rain all day. 49 00:02:08,305 --> 00:02:11,016 Of course, when I was a little girl, I hated the rain. 50 00:02:11,100 --> 00:02:14,144 Stuck inside, couldn't go out and play. 51 00:02:14,228 --> 00:02:17,731 But my mum would always say, "Enjoy it while you can. 52 00:02:17,815 --> 00:02:19,692 There'll be no water in hell." 53 00:02:19,776 --> 00:02:22,696 Of course, that was her answer for everything. 54 00:02:22,780 --> 00:02:26,491 "Eat your veggies. There'll be no Brussels sprouts in hell." 55 00:02:26,575 --> 00:02:29,912 "Have a lie-down. There'll be no naps in hell." 56 00:02:33,874 --> 00:02:37,379 Daphne, I am a therapist, uh… 57 00:02:38,004 --> 00:02:39,839 If you'd like to talk about this. 58 00:02:39,923 --> 00:02:40,965 About what? 59 00:02:43,218 --> 00:02:44,052 Nothing. 60 00:02:45,261 --> 00:02:47,514 I wish I could remember what it is I forgot to do. 61 00:02:47,598 --> 00:02:49,558 Oh, well, you know what they say, 62 00:02:49,642 --> 00:02:52,395 if you can't remember, it wasn't important anyway. 63 00:02:53,521 --> 00:02:54,980 -FRASIER: Dad! -Oh, no. 64 00:02:55,981 --> 00:02:57,316 You're dripping! 65 00:02:57,400 --> 00:02:59,944 Yeah. That's what'll happen when you're standing out in the rain 66 00:03:00,028 --> 00:03:01,237 waiting for your ride. 67 00:03:01,321 --> 00:03:03,406 Mr. Crane, I am so sorry. 68 00:03:03,490 --> 00:03:04,866 What the hell were you thinking? 69 00:03:04,950 --> 00:03:08,077 Venting these emotions is well and good, but I've just had these floors waxed. 70 00:03:08,161 --> 00:03:10,371 I said four o'clock on the corner of Second and Bell. 71 00:03:10,455 --> 00:03:11,664 You should've called me. 72 00:03:11,748 --> 00:03:13,751 I was afraid if I went looking for a phone, I'd miss you. 73 00:03:13,835 --> 00:03:16,128 Good point. If you'd just step on this paper, please. 74 00:03:16,212 --> 00:03:17,588 That's perfect. Thank you. 75 00:03:17,672 --> 00:03:18,797 Oh, God, he's wet too. 76 00:03:18,881 --> 00:03:20,049 No! Ah! 77 00:03:20,133 --> 00:03:24,136 Damn him. Daphne, get this canine sprinkler out of here. 78 00:03:24,220 --> 00:03:26,389 Now, don't be too cross with him, Dr. Crane. 79 00:03:26,473 --> 00:03:29,101 As me mum used to say, there'll be no dogs in hell. 80 00:03:29,768 --> 00:03:31,394 I sincerely doubt that. 81 00:03:31,478 --> 00:03:32,688 [DOORBELL RINGS] 82 00:03:33,814 --> 00:03:34,981 -Niles. -Frasier. 83 00:03:35,065 --> 00:03:36,107 -Hey, Dad. -Hi. 84 00:03:36,191 --> 00:03:38,819 I stopped by to return your cookbook. I won't be needing it. 85 00:03:38,903 --> 00:03:42,782 Oh, really? I thought you were preparing an anniversary dinner for Maris. 86 00:03:42,866 --> 00:03:46,452 Uh, not this year. Maris has chosen to fly off to a clinic in the Alps 87 00:03:46,536 --> 00:03:48,663 for an experimental rejuvenation treatment. 88 00:03:48,747 --> 00:03:50,082 Only one man performs the procedure, 89 00:03:50,166 --> 00:03:52,584 and she wants to see him before he's extradited. 90 00:03:52,668 --> 00:03:55,463 Well, Niles, I… I'm so sorry. 91 00:03:56,088 --> 00:03:57,381 It's so depressing. 92 00:03:57,465 --> 00:04:00,133 Every time it looks like we're approaching a breakthrough in our therapy, 93 00:04:00,217 --> 00:04:01,803 Maris runs away. 94 00:04:01,887 --> 00:04:05,181 I really hoped that spending time together on our anniversary 95 00:04:05,265 --> 00:04:07,058 would get us over the hump. 96 00:04:07,142 --> 00:04:08,434 There, there, Niles. 97 00:04:08,518 --> 00:04:09,727 I know how difficult it must be 98 00:04:09,811 --> 00:04:12,730 when someone puts their own selfish obsession above your emotional needs. 99 00:04:12,814 --> 00:04:13,648 Here we are. 100 00:04:14,776 --> 00:04:17,152 Why don't you take off that wet coat and stay for dinner? 101 00:04:17,236 --> 00:04:19,488 I'll get us started with a couple of nice hot toddies 102 00:04:19,572 --> 00:04:21,156 like we used to make at Duke's. 103 00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:25,077 Dad, you know, there's a recipe in this book for a hot toddy. 104 00:04:25,161 --> 00:04:27,205 It calls for Courvoisier, 105 00:04:27,289 --> 00:04:30,083 chamomile tea and a dash of framboise. 106 00:04:30,167 --> 00:04:31,876 Garnish it with a few rose petals, 107 00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:34,087 and that's just how Duke used to serve it. 108 00:04:35,798 --> 00:04:36,924 Make yourself at home. 109 00:04:37,591 --> 00:04:38,717 Poor Niles. 110 00:04:39,385 --> 00:04:41,971 -You know, Dad, maybe I should… -Ah, ah, ah. Stop right there. 111 00:04:42,055 --> 00:04:44,515 I know what you're gonna say. You wanna call Maris 112 00:04:44,599 --> 00:04:47,184 and talk her into spending her anniversary with Niles. 113 00:04:47,268 --> 00:04:49,311 I didn't realize I'd become as predictable as all that. 114 00:04:49,395 --> 00:04:50,980 You have, and if you ask me… 115 00:04:51,064 --> 00:04:53,358 Stop. I know exactly what you're going to say. 116 00:04:53,442 --> 00:04:55,193 You're going to say I should mind my own business 117 00:04:55,277 --> 00:04:56,611 and keep my big bazoo shut. 118 00:04:56,695 --> 00:04:59,532 I was gonna say "fat yap," but you're in the ballpark. 119 00:05:00,032 --> 00:05:02,868 I just think that when two people are having an argument, 120 00:05:02,952 --> 00:05:04,579 their emotions can get the better of them. 121 00:05:04,663 --> 00:05:06,664 A third party can provide perspective. 122 00:05:06,748 --> 00:05:09,292 They already have a therapist. If Niles needs any more help, 123 00:05:09,376 --> 00:05:12,087 he's got Dr. Jim Beam here, and he makes house calls. 124 00:05:13,797 --> 00:05:15,757 NILES: I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, Maris. 125 00:05:15,841 --> 00:05:17,926 I hope you enjoy your trip to Switzerland. 126 00:05:18,010 --> 00:05:20,596 Actually, I have plans of my own for our anniversary 127 00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:22,473 that I'm very excited about. Mm-hmm. 128 00:05:22,557 --> 00:05:23,432 Bon voyage. 129 00:05:23,975 --> 00:05:25,893 That's a very healthy approach, Niles. 130 00:05:25,977 --> 00:05:26,977 What are your plans? 131 00:05:27,061 --> 00:05:29,439 I thought I'd sit on my couch in my cavernous apartment 132 00:05:29,523 --> 00:05:31,775 rocking back and forth while hugging my knees. 133 00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:34,319 [THUNDER RUMBLING] 134 00:05:34,403 --> 00:05:36,529 Niles, you're not gonna be alone on your anniversary. 135 00:05:36,613 --> 00:05:37,948 You'll have me and Fras. 136 00:05:38,615 --> 00:05:41,160 Well, actually, I've agreed to… 137 00:05:41,244 --> 00:05:44,205 To give a lecture on a cruise to Alaska. 138 00:05:44,289 --> 00:05:47,333 But I don't see any reason why you two shouldn't join me. 139 00:05:47,417 --> 00:05:48,834 That'd be great. Wouldn't it, Niles? 140 00:05:48,918 --> 00:05:50,878 Oh, uh, I don't know. 141 00:05:50,962 --> 00:05:53,507 Oh, come on, Niles. It'd take your mind off your troubles. 142 00:05:53,591 --> 00:05:57,010 I appreciate your concern, really, but whisking me off on a cruise? 143 00:05:57,094 --> 00:05:59,221 I'm not as emotionally fragile as all that. 144 00:05:59,305 --> 00:06:00,472 As you wish. 145 00:06:00,556 --> 00:06:03,141 Well, Dad, I guess it'll just be you and me, huh? 146 00:06:03,225 --> 00:06:05,436 -Yeah. When do we leave? -Fourteenth. 147 00:06:06,187 --> 00:06:07,147 The 14th? 148 00:06:17,616 --> 00:06:19,619 [MARTIN IMITATING FOGHORN] 149 00:06:26,918 --> 00:06:29,336 You know, that just gets funnier and funnier each time you do it. 150 00:06:29,420 --> 00:06:31,256 [IMITATES FOGHORN] 151 00:06:31,340 --> 00:06:32,466 No, no, I'm wrong. 152 00:06:36,345 --> 00:06:37,303 Hey. 153 00:06:37,387 --> 00:06:38,763 Some ship, huh? 154 00:06:38,847 --> 00:06:39,973 How's your stateroom? 155 00:06:40,057 --> 00:06:43,435 I'd hardly call it a stateroom. I wouldn't even call it a room, 156 00:06:43,519 --> 00:06:46,819 but I don't know the nautical term for "broom closet with sconces." 157 00:06:47,315 --> 00:06:48,149 How's yours? 158 00:06:48,942 --> 00:06:50,860 The same. Worse, even. 159 00:06:50,944 --> 00:06:53,487 I'm sure you have a better view from your porthole than I do. 160 00:06:53,571 --> 00:06:54,864 You have a porthole? 161 00:06:55,574 --> 00:06:56,825 What difference does it make? 162 00:06:56,909 --> 00:06:59,119 A cabin's just a place to shower and change your clothes. 163 00:06:59,203 --> 00:07:00,204 You have a shower? 164 00:07:01,580 --> 00:07:03,290 All I have is a nozzle and a floor drain. 165 00:07:03,374 --> 00:07:06,224 It took me an hour before I put those two things together. 166 00:07:07,336 --> 00:07:09,547 Now, the buffets come at a pretty good clip, 167 00:07:09,631 --> 00:07:11,048 so you gotta pace yourself. 168 00:07:11,132 --> 00:07:13,926 And watch out for your fillers, your breads, your rolls, 169 00:07:14,010 --> 00:07:15,220 your chips and dips. 170 00:07:16,262 --> 00:07:18,682 You've only got so much room. Don't be a hero. 171 00:07:22,853 --> 00:07:23,937 Hey, guys. 172 00:07:24,021 --> 00:07:26,523 Hey. Hey, Fras, this is great. 173 00:07:26,607 --> 00:07:30,207 You got one of those cabins where the whole bathroom turns into a shower? 174 00:07:32,447 --> 00:07:34,449 Yes, Dad. And before you say anything, 175 00:07:34,533 --> 00:07:36,784 I had no idea what Spartan conditions we were in for. 176 00:07:36,868 --> 00:07:37,952 It's quite all right. 177 00:07:38,036 --> 00:07:39,996 Once I got over my fear that I'd be hauled below decks 178 00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:43,458 and manacled to another oarsman, I actually started to enjoy myself. 179 00:07:44,711 --> 00:07:47,463 I suppose I won't be spending that much time in my cabin anyway. 180 00:07:47,547 --> 00:07:49,089 I'll be hobnobbing with fellow celebrities. 181 00:07:49,173 --> 00:07:50,966 Yeah, they got a lot of big names on board. 182 00:07:51,050 --> 00:07:52,343 Did you see the pictures? 183 00:07:53,177 --> 00:07:57,057 "Live and in person, radio star Dr. Frasier Crane." 184 00:07:57,141 --> 00:07:59,476 -How about that? -That's a little embarrassing. 185 00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:01,394 I don't really care for the word "star." 186 00:08:01,478 --> 00:08:03,521 Considering the caliber of the other people on board. 187 00:08:03,605 --> 00:08:06,066 "The comedy stylings of Giggles O'Shea." 188 00:08:10,697 --> 00:08:12,991 Oh, yes, you're in stellar company. 189 00:08:14,034 --> 00:08:16,661 Oh, and look, they even managed to snare a magician: 190 00:08:16,745 --> 00:08:18,454 "The Amazing Lance Gould." 191 00:08:18,538 --> 00:08:20,331 Oh, he's great. 192 00:08:20,415 --> 00:08:22,209 I caught his act in Reno a few years ago. 193 00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:24,754 For his finale, he made his own head disappear. 194 00:08:26,130 --> 00:08:29,091 Now, did the toupee go too, or did it just hover over the collar? 195 00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:32,636 Dear God! You've booked me on a floating Gong Show. 196 00:08:33,637 --> 00:08:36,140 What happened to Zubin Mehta and Gore Vidal? 197 00:08:36,224 --> 00:08:38,142 I am so sorry, Frasier. I had no idea. 198 00:08:38,226 --> 00:08:41,104 I guess they book their A-list celebrities on the big ships. 199 00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:42,730 MAN [OVER PA]: Your attention, please. 200 00:08:42,814 --> 00:08:44,315 The Taste of Alaska buffet 201 00:08:44,399 --> 00:08:46,526 is now being served on the Lido Deck. 202 00:08:46,610 --> 00:08:49,363 Whoa. That's my cue. You guys coming? 203 00:08:49,447 --> 00:08:51,031 Uh, Dad, we had a big lunch at home. 204 00:08:51,115 --> 00:08:52,909 Rookie mistake. See you at dinner. 205 00:08:55,828 --> 00:08:57,454 Frasier, it's not that bad. 206 00:08:57,538 --> 00:09:00,458 -Look, at least you got top billing. -Of course I got top billing. 207 00:09:00,542 --> 00:09:02,392 I'm the only one there I've heard of. 208 00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:04,212 Come on, what about him? 209 00:09:04,296 --> 00:09:08,800 "Latin singing sensation Carlos 'The Barracuda' Del Gato"? 210 00:09:08,884 --> 00:09:11,679 Yeah. Don't you remember him from the '70s? 211 00:09:11,763 --> 00:09:14,056 He invented that big dance craze, the Barracuda. 212 00:09:14,140 --> 00:09:16,976 Believe it or not, Maris was a big fan of his. 213 00:09:17,060 --> 00:09:19,645 -No. -Yes. That was the one dance she could do. 214 00:09:19,729 --> 00:09:21,189 The Hustle was too strenuous. 215 00:09:22,398 --> 00:09:23,775 She had no booty to shake. 216 00:09:26,904 --> 00:09:30,449 But her fetching little under bite was just perfect for the Barracuda. 217 00:09:36,038 --> 00:09:38,458 Niles. Why is that woman staring at you? 218 00:09:41,211 --> 00:09:44,172 God help me. It's that awful Mimi Cosgrove from the country club. 219 00:09:44,256 --> 00:09:47,383 Hide me. She's a man-eating lush who'd go to any lengths to… 220 00:09:47,467 --> 00:09:48,886 -Niles? -Mimi! 221 00:09:48,970 --> 00:09:51,013 You funny little good-for-nothing Mimi. 222 00:09:51,097 --> 00:09:52,681 Mwah, mwah. 223 00:09:52,765 --> 00:09:54,058 What are you doing here? 224 00:09:54,142 --> 00:09:55,434 Oh, looking for the bar. 225 00:09:56,060 --> 00:09:57,103 Oop, there it is. 226 00:09:58,479 --> 00:09:59,855 Come, let me buy you a cocktail. 227 00:09:59,939 --> 00:10:01,691 -You know, I'm… -I don't know what it is 228 00:10:01,775 --> 00:10:03,860 about the ocean that makes me so thirsty. 229 00:10:03,944 --> 00:10:05,904 Ooh, have you been working out? 230 00:10:05,988 --> 00:10:07,281 [MOUTHS] Help me. 231 00:10:09,491 --> 00:10:11,826 ROZ: Look, there he is, the Barracuda. 232 00:10:11,910 --> 00:10:13,454 How thrilling. 233 00:10:13,955 --> 00:10:15,956 A fellow headliner on the USS Has-Been. 234 00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:17,000 Oh, shut up. 235 00:10:18,376 --> 00:10:21,253 Come on, Roz, let's go over my notes for my lecture. 236 00:10:21,337 --> 00:10:22,987 [LATIN ACCENT] Dr. Frasier Crane? 237 00:10:23,673 --> 00:10:25,466 I am Carlos Del Gato. 238 00:10:25,550 --> 00:10:26,885 FRASIER: Ah. 239 00:10:26,969 --> 00:10:30,806 Hello. It's a pleasure to meet you. This is Roz Doyle. 240 00:10:30,890 --> 00:10:32,391 [SPEAKS IN SPANISH] 241 00:10:33,350 --> 00:10:35,352 -¿Habla español? -Uh, not really. 242 00:10:35,436 --> 00:10:37,104 It's no matter. 243 00:10:37,188 --> 00:10:40,983 I'm sure you're schooled in the international language. 244 00:10:41,067 --> 00:10:43,445 Yes, Roz, say something amusing in Esperanto. 245 00:10:44,738 --> 00:10:46,823 [LAUGHS] 246 00:10:46,907 --> 00:10:49,951 You know, each night, I select the most beautiful woman 247 00:10:50,035 --> 00:10:53,705 in my audience and present to her a red rose. 248 00:10:53,789 --> 00:10:56,375 This means the evening has just begun. 249 00:10:58,002 --> 00:11:03,759 Perhaps, one night, you will be my especial lady? 250 00:11:04,593 --> 00:11:05,552 Until then… 251 00:11:06,720 --> 00:11:07,763 [GASPS] 252 00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:14,727 Okay, you're right. 253 00:11:14,811 --> 00:11:16,648 We're on the voyage of the damned. 254 00:11:18,900 --> 00:11:21,735 -So are you still separated? -Oh, I'm afraid so. 255 00:11:21,819 --> 00:11:23,195 Oh, you poor thing. 256 00:11:23,279 --> 00:11:26,407 Well, we're… We're, uh… We're trying. We're in therapy. 257 00:11:26,491 --> 00:11:27,742 Oh, good. 258 00:11:27,826 --> 00:11:30,620 You know how much I've always thought of you and, uh… 259 00:11:30,704 --> 00:11:32,248 -Maris. -Yeah, an angel. 260 00:11:33,123 --> 00:11:37,502 If there's any way I could be of comfort to you, why, you let me know. 261 00:11:37,586 --> 00:11:39,337 Oh, what is that marvelous fragrance? 262 00:11:39,421 --> 00:11:41,966 -Well, that's… -I beg your pardon, sir. 263 00:11:42,050 --> 00:11:44,010 The lady wishes to send you this with her compliments. 264 00:11:44,094 --> 00:11:45,136 What lady? 265 00:11:45,220 --> 00:11:47,472 Back there in the black dress and the veil. 266 00:11:48,723 --> 00:11:50,683 -Maris. -Oh, and there was one more thing. 267 00:11:50,767 --> 00:11:51,768 Yes? 268 00:11:59,527 --> 00:12:00,903 I'm really very sorry, sir, 269 00:12:00,987 --> 00:12:03,322 but she gave me the biggest tip I've ever seen. 270 00:12:03,406 --> 00:12:07,286 I'm sure you can convince Maris this is all completely innocent. 271 00:12:07,828 --> 00:12:10,247 If not, I'm in cabin 712. 272 00:12:12,249 --> 00:12:13,666 Niles, Niles, what happened? 273 00:12:13,750 --> 00:12:15,501 Was that Maris I saw running out of here? 274 00:12:15,585 --> 00:12:17,922 Yes. She saw Mimi pawing me and assumed the worst. 275 00:12:18,006 --> 00:12:20,174 I've gotta go speak to her. How upset did she look? 276 00:12:20,258 --> 00:12:21,634 I couldn't see past the outfit. 277 00:12:21,718 --> 00:12:23,719 Who wears a black dress and a veil on a cruise? 278 00:12:23,803 --> 00:12:25,596 The woman has virtually no pigmentation. 279 00:12:25,680 --> 00:12:28,433 Three minutes in the sun, she'd sear like an ahi tuna. 280 00:12:31,603 --> 00:12:34,981 She's supposed to be in Switzerland. What's she doing here? 281 00:12:35,065 --> 00:12:36,608 Niles, Niles, I'm sorry. 282 00:12:36,692 --> 00:12:39,945 I'm afraid that this may be partly my fault. 283 00:12:40,029 --> 00:12:43,699 You see, I left a message on her machine saying how upset you were 284 00:12:43,783 --> 00:12:47,037 and that it might be fun if she could join us on the cruise. 285 00:12:47,662 --> 00:12:49,830 You invited her to come and didn't tell me? 286 00:12:49,914 --> 00:12:53,714 -I thought it would be a nice surprise. -Oh, well, it worked out perfectly. 287 00:12:54,920 --> 00:12:58,215 She's probably on the phone right now arranging to fly home from the next port. 288 00:12:58,299 --> 00:13:00,759 Excuse me, excuse me. The lady who sent me the champagne, 289 00:13:00,843 --> 00:13:02,427 do you know which stateroom she's in? 290 00:13:02,511 --> 00:13:03,345 No, sir. 291 00:13:03,429 --> 00:13:05,879 -But she did ask me to give you a message. -Yes? 292 00:13:13,607 --> 00:13:16,318 Just out of curiosity, how much are these running her? 293 00:13:19,112 --> 00:13:20,948 You're on in 20 minutes. 294 00:13:21,449 --> 00:13:22,699 How's your speech coming? 295 00:13:23,409 --> 00:13:26,109 It's hard to concentrate. I'm so concerned about Niles. 296 00:13:26,537 --> 00:13:28,455 I like this opening joke you wrote. 297 00:13:28,539 --> 00:13:29,999 It's very funny. 298 00:13:30,083 --> 00:13:32,502 Thank you. I can't take all the credit. 299 00:13:32,586 --> 00:13:35,130 I had a patty melt with Giggles before his show. 300 00:13:39,593 --> 00:13:40,552 Oh, Niles. 301 00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:45,058 I can't tell you again how sorry I am for meddling. 302 00:13:46,059 --> 00:13:47,143 How did it go with Maris? 303 00:13:47,227 --> 00:13:51,355 Terribly. This is, without a doubt, the most depressing night of my life. 304 00:13:51,439 --> 00:13:52,982 [ROZ LAUGHING] 305 00:13:55,443 --> 00:13:57,363 That is so fun… I'm sorry. 306 00:13:59,448 --> 00:14:01,241 I spent hours looking for her. 307 00:14:01,325 --> 00:14:03,201 Then I remembered her fondness for the Barracuda. 308 00:14:03,285 --> 00:14:06,038 I ran down to the lounge and found that Latin cheeseball 309 00:14:06,122 --> 00:14:08,749 crooning his ghastly song directly to her. 310 00:14:08,833 --> 00:14:10,418 I started to approach. 311 00:14:10,502 --> 00:14:11,461 Then a waiter came, 312 00:14:11,545 --> 00:14:15,048 and by the time I got the champagne out of my eyes, she'd disappeared. 313 00:14:16,508 --> 00:14:17,843 I waited after the show. 314 00:14:18,552 --> 00:14:19,553 She didn't come out. 315 00:14:20,429 --> 00:14:21,972 Neither did Del Gato. 316 00:14:22,056 --> 00:14:23,766 Niles, what are you implying? 317 00:14:23,850 --> 00:14:25,559 You know Maris' taste for revenge. 318 00:14:25,643 --> 00:14:27,269 If she thinks I'm having an affair with Mimi, 319 00:14:27,353 --> 00:14:29,938 then she's going to try to punish me in kind. 320 00:14:30,022 --> 00:14:31,523 Wow. 321 00:14:31,607 --> 00:14:35,028 Do you really think she's planning to do the Barracuda? 322 00:14:39,491 --> 00:14:43,411 Niles… don't jump to conclusions. 323 00:14:43,495 --> 00:14:45,038 It's exactly what Maris did. 324 00:14:45,747 --> 00:14:48,876 Says a lot about our marriage, doesn't it? No trust on either side. 325 00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:50,795 What hope is there for us? 326 00:14:50,879 --> 00:14:54,215 -Is there anything I can do? -No, you've done enough. 327 00:14:55,341 --> 00:14:57,051 I'm just going to take a walk. 328 00:14:58,052 --> 00:14:59,013 Oh, God. 329 00:15:00,014 --> 00:15:01,640 Oh, I feel so guilty. 330 00:15:02,683 --> 00:15:07,146 When will I learn to stop interfering in other people's affairs? 331 00:15:08,272 --> 00:15:10,772 I'd better go talk to Maris, see if I can fix this. 332 00:15:11,693 --> 00:15:12,985 You're gonna butt in again? 333 00:15:13,069 --> 00:15:15,169 I don't see what business that is of yours. 334 00:15:15,655 --> 00:15:17,365 -There's your dad. -Oh, no, oh, no. 335 00:15:17,449 --> 00:15:19,749 If he finds out, I'll never hear the end of it. 336 00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:22,954 Boy, that Taste of Alaska spread was a bust. 337 00:15:23,456 --> 00:15:25,708 Wanna know what caribou meat tastes like? 338 00:15:27,043 --> 00:15:28,002 Not chicken. 339 00:15:30,796 --> 00:15:31,755 Where's Niles? 340 00:15:31,839 --> 00:15:33,633 -He's out for a walk. -Oh. 341 00:15:34,175 --> 00:15:36,303 Oh, I may as well tell you the whole thing. 342 00:15:37,304 --> 00:15:38,596 Maris is on board. 343 00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:41,599 She and Niles had a horrible fight, 344 00:15:41,683 --> 00:15:44,853 and their marriage is in worse shape than it's ever been before, 345 00:15:44,937 --> 00:15:46,563 and no need telling you how she got here. 346 00:15:46,647 --> 00:15:47,982 I know, I know. 347 00:15:48,066 --> 00:15:50,443 What was I thinking, inviting her to come on the cruise? 348 00:15:50,527 --> 00:15:51,986 You invited Maris? 349 00:15:52,070 --> 00:15:55,531 Yeah. Well, Niles was so upset about being alone on their anniversary, 350 00:15:55,615 --> 00:15:56,991 it seemed like a good idea. 351 00:15:57,992 --> 00:15:58,909 Smart, huh? 352 00:15:58,993 --> 00:16:00,871 I give you all this guff about butting in, 353 00:16:00,955 --> 00:16:03,457 and then I turn around and do the same damn thing. 354 00:16:03,541 --> 00:16:05,918 Well, Dad, don't be too hard on yourself. 355 00:16:08,003 --> 00:16:09,603 -ROZ: Frasier? -Oh, all right. 356 00:16:11,298 --> 00:16:12,383 I invited Maris too. 357 00:16:13,093 --> 00:16:14,802 -You did? -Yeah. 358 00:16:14,886 --> 00:16:16,721 I told you to keep your big bazoo shut. 359 00:16:16,805 --> 00:16:18,389 Oh, you're one to talk. 360 00:16:18,473 --> 00:16:19,849 So, what are we gonna do now? 361 00:16:19,933 --> 00:16:21,851 Nothing. Nothing at all. 362 00:16:21,935 --> 00:16:23,603 Let them resolve their own differences. 363 00:16:23,687 --> 00:16:27,441 -Stay on the sidelines, where we belong. -All right. Ooh. Better get going. 364 00:16:27,525 --> 00:16:29,318 I'm gonna miss the first seating for dinner. 365 00:16:29,402 --> 00:16:31,028 Dad, my lecture's in 15 minutes. 366 00:16:31,112 --> 00:16:33,655 Oh, jeez, well, I guess I can't do everything. 367 00:16:33,739 --> 00:16:35,866 Tell me how it went at the midnight buffet. 368 00:16:39,204 --> 00:16:40,872 I guess we better head over to your lecture. 369 00:16:40,956 --> 00:16:43,417 Right. First, I'm gonna go talk to Maris. 370 00:16:44,167 --> 00:16:45,126 You just said… 371 00:16:45,210 --> 00:16:46,711 Forget what I said. You're coming too. 372 00:16:46,795 --> 00:16:48,296 Why me? I don't know her. 373 00:16:48,380 --> 00:16:50,966 -You can vouch for Niles' innocence. -Oh, all right. 374 00:16:51,050 --> 00:16:52,676 I'm kind of curious to meet her. 375 00:16:52,760 --> 00:16:55,054 You know, in all these years, I've never actually seen her face? 376 00:16:55,138 --> 00:16:58,638 I haven't seen her most recent one, so this will be new for both of us. 377 00:17:00,602 --> 00:17:02,687 All right, now listen, let me do all the talking. 378 00:17:02,771 --> 00:17:06,441 Oh, if it looks like she has an orange Abyssinian on her head, 379 00:17:06,525 --> 00:17:08,861 don't stare, that's a wiglet. 380 00:17:11,947 --> 00:17:14,450 All through. Have a nice evening. 381 00:17:15,285 --> 00:17:16,827 Damn, she must not be here. 382 00:17:16,911 --> 00:17:18,579 What are you doing? You can't go in. 383 00:17:18,663 --> 00:17:19,872 I just wanna see the room. 384 00:17:19,956 --> 00:17:21,832 You just can't barge into someone else's room… 385 00:17:21,916 --> 00:17:23,876 [GASPS] My God. 386 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:25,629 Is that a grand piano? 387 00:17:27,757 --> 00:17:29,091 Frasier, look. 388 00:17:30,343 --> 00:17:31,927 The Barracuda's calling card. 389 00:17:32,637 --> 00:17:34,638 That means that he's chosen Maris to be his… 390 00:17:34,722 --> 00:17:36,515 BOTH: Especial lady. 391 00:17:37,850 --> 00:17:39,268 [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING] 392 00:17:39,352 --> 00:17:40,437 Shh, she's coming. 393 00:17:42,564 --> 00:17:43,648 Why are we hiding? 394 00:17:43,732 --> 00:17:45,066 You came here to talk to her. 395 00:17:45,150 --> 00:17:46,818 It's impossible to extol the virtues of trust 396 00:17:46,902 --> 00:17:48,570 to someone whose room you've broken into. 397 00:17:48,654 --> 00:17:50,354 -[DOOR OPENS] -Shh, she's coming. 398 00:17:52,450 --> 00:17:53,742 FRASIER: Oh, dear God. 399 00:17:53,826 --> 00:17:55,995 The shower is bigger than my entire cabin. 400 00:17:56,079 --> 00:17:57,080 ROZ: Shut up. 401 00:18:00,249 --> 00:18:01,918 -Martin. -[YELLS] 402 00:18:04,630 --> 00:18:05,672 What are you doing here? 403 00:18:05,756 --> 00:18:07,007 We came to talk to Maris. 404 00:18:07,091 --> 00:18:08,967 -What are you doing here? -The same as you. 405 00:18:09,051 --> 00:18:10,844 Then why did you come in the bathroom? 406 00:18:10,928 --> 00:18:13,097 -Well, what do you think? -FRASIER: Oh… 407 00:18:14,598 --> 00:18:16,976 -Oh, all right. -Let's get the hell out of here. 408 00:18:17,060 --> 00:18:18,769 [DOOR OPENS] 409 00:18:18,853 --> 00:18:20,105 It's Maris. 410 00:18:21,106 --> 00:18:23,566 What's the big deal? Why don't we just go out and talk to her? 411 00:18:23,650 --> 00:18:25,818 We can't go out there. She may not be alone. 412 00:18:25,902 --> 00:18:27,570 -Remember the rose? -Oh, God. 413 00:18:28,321 --> 00:18:29,198 Yes. 414 00:18:30,199 --> 00:18:31,575 Oh. I don't see her. 415 00:18:31,659 --> 00:18:32,952 Maybe she went back out. 416 00:18:33,494 --> 00:18:36,414 Oh, wait, I see her coat on a hat rack. 417 00:18:38,749 --> 00:18:39,750 Look closer. 418 00:18:41,753 --> 00:18:43,046 Is the hat rack moving? 419 00:18:45,048 --> 00:18:46,383 Oh, my God. 420 00:18:47,050 --> 00:18:48,176 What's she doing? 421 00:18:48,260 --> 00:18:50,637 -Well, she seems to be alone. -That's good. 422 00:18:50,721 --> 00:18:52,639 She's pouring champagne, two glasses. 423 00:18:52,723 --> 00:18:54,099 Oh, that's bad. 424 00:18:54,183 --> 00:18:55,476 Now she's putting on music. 425 00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:57,311 [OVER SPEAKERS] ♪ Do, do, do the Barracuda… ♪ 426 00:18:57,395 --> 00:18:59,396 ["THE BARRACUDA" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS] 427 00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:01,441 Oh. Oh, that's bad. 428 00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:03,359 On so many levels. 429 00:19:03,985 --> 00:19:05,110 She's coming this way. 430 00:19:05,194 --> 00:19:07,197 [MARTIN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] 431 00:19:08,866 --> 00:19:10,284 FRASIER: Shh. Shh. 432 00:19:11,076 --> 00:19:15,830 ♪ The Turks forget their food-a, the monks neglect their Gouda… ♪ 433 00:19:15,914 --> 00:19:17,415 ♪ Some girls… ♪ 434 00:19:17,499 --> 00:19:19,544 [MARIS GARGLING] 435 00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:22,630 [MARIS SPITTING] 436 00:19:22,714 --> 00:19:24,256 [WATER RUNS] 437 00:19:24,340 --> 00:19:26,134 ♪ Do, do, do the Barracuda… ♪ 438 00:19:27,260 --> 00:19:28,219 [DOOR CLOSES] 439 00:19:28,303 --> 00:19:29,471 She's gone. 440 00:19:30,305 --> 00:19:31,973 How are we gonna get out of here? 441 00:19:32,057 --> 00:19:33,016 I have no idea. 442 00:19:33,100 --> 00:19:35,394 I've got about three minutes before I have to be downstairs, 443 00:19:35,478 --> 00:19:37,562 or 200 people are going to be sorely disappointed. 444 00:19:37,646 --> 00:19:39,564 Two hundred people? Where'd you hear that? 445 00:19:39,648 --> 00:19:41,648 They told me that was the room capacity. 446 00:19:42,902 --> 00:19:44,780 Oh! Oh, come on. 447 00:19:45,363 --> 00:19:47,198 Giggles had to add a show. 448 00:19:47,282 --> 00:19:49,033 Shh. She's gonna hear us. 449 00:19:49,117 --> 00:19:50,201 [DOORBELL BUZZES] 450 00:19:50,285 --> 00:19:52,537 -It's the Barracuda. -Who's the Barracuda? 451 00:19:52,621 --> 00:19:54,831 He's a sleazy Latin lounge singer Maris is gonna sleep with 452 00:19:54,915 --> 00:19:56,667 to get back at Niles for kissing Mimi. 453 00:19:56,751 --> 00:19:58,585 -Who's Mimi? -A horny society boozer, 454 00:19:58,669 --> 00:20:00,295 and the Mrs. O'Leary's cow of our predicament. 455 00:20:00,379 --> 00:20:01,422 Who's Mrs. O'Leary? 456 00:20:01,506 --> 00:20:04,091 A woman in Chicago who… Oh, I don't have the time. 457 00:20:05,718 --> 00:20:07,052 The important thing is to stop Maris 458 00:20:07,136 --> 00:20:09,305 before she does something to damage her relationship forever. 459 00:20:09,389 --> 00:20:10,932 We cannot go out there now. 460 00:20:11,016 --> 00:20:12,726 We don't wanna walk in on the two of them. 461 00:20:12,810 --> 00:20:15,103 I don't wanna see that. I just ate caribou. 462 00:20:19,399 --> 00:20:20,442 Oh, very well. 463 00:20:21,027 --> 00:20:23,320 It seems I'm the only one who cares about this relationship. 464 00:20:23,404 --> 00:20:24,781 I will go and do it. 465 00:20:25,824 --> 00:20:26,741 [BOTH YELL] 466 00:20:30,286 --> 00:20:33,374 Maris, what a lovely bathroom! [YELLS] 467 00:20:35,292 --> 00:20:36,334 What are you doing here? 468 00:20:36,418 --> 00:20:39,045 We came to convince Maris there was nothing going on between you and Mimi. 469 00:20:39,129 --> 00:20:40,422 What are you doing here? 470 00:20:40,506 --> 00:20:43,091 Maris and I ran into each other, and we had a long talk, 471 00:20:43,175 --> 00:20:45,678 and she invited me here for a glass of champagne. 472 00:20:45,762 --> 00:20:47,305 Oh, that's great, Niles. 473 00:20:47,389 --> 00:20:49,989 It might mar the mood if she finds you spying on her. 474 00:20:50,809 --> 00:20:53,019 -Did you use that mouthwash? -No, Maris did. 475 00:20:53,103 --> 00:20:54,271 My God. 476 00:20:54,938 --> 00:20:57,038 She's in the mood for more than champagne. 477 00:20:58,943 --> 00:21:00,611 You've got to leave here right now. 478 00:21:00,695 --> 00:21:02,279 Give me time to see her out to the balcony. 479 00:21:02,363 --> 00:21:03,447 A balcony? 480 00:21:08,786 --> 00:21:11,831 Just count to ten and then scram so Maris and I can celebrate 481 00:21:11,915 --> 00:21:14,001 the way a man and his wife were meant to. 482 00:21:14,751 --> 00:21:15,586 Oh, damn. 483 00:21:16,128 --> 00:21:17,420 She started without me. 484 00:21:17,504 --> 00:21:19,423 -MARTIN: Ew. -[FRASIER GROANS] 485 00:21:21,008 --> 00:21:22,719 Drinking the champagne. 486 00:21:23,344 --> 00:21:24,554 -Ah. -Okay. 487 00:21:30,393 --> 00:21:33,187 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] 488 00:21:33,271 --> 00:21:35,881 ♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪ 489 00:21:35,965 --> 00:21:38,235 ♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪ 490 00:21:38,319 --> 00:21:40,028 Quite stylish. 491 00:21:40,112 --> 00:21:42,635 ♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪ 492 00:21:42,719 --> 00:21:45,242 ♪ Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪ 493 00:21:45,326 --> 00:21:47,328 Ha, ha, ha, ha! 494 00:21:47,412 --> 00:21:48,996 ♪ But I don't know what to do ♪ 495 00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:52,584 ♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪ 496 00:21:54,127 --> 00:21:55,712 ♪ They're callin' again ♪ 497 00:21:57,047 --> 00:21:59,854 Scrambled eggs all over my face. 498 00:21:59,938 --> 00:22:01,677 What is a boy to do? 499 00:22:04,013 --> 00:22:05,097 Thank you!