[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
Well, Karl, I think you've got two choices.
Either you have the tattoo removed or you travel the globe
searching for another soul mate named Fredwina.
We'll be right back.
Hey, I was just going over this offer you got from the Siren Cruise Line.
They want to know…
Roz, Roz, you know my policy on commercial endorsements.
Just listen. One of their celebrity entertainers
canceled on a cruise going to Alaska,
and they'll let us both go for free if you'll fill in.
And all you have to do is give a brief lecture…
Roz, I'm a psychiatrist, not a huckster.
There's still some of us in this profession who believe in…
Mahogany wainscoting?
Isn't that fabulous?
-And look at those staterooms. -Wow.
Not to mention the world-class health spa and the gourmet chefs…
-It certainly does sound tempting. -I know.
I just don't think it's right to trade on one's good name for a free trip.
Plenty of people do.
Look, last month, Zubin Mehta did one and General Schwarzkopf.
It says right here Gore Vidal did two of them.
Gore Vidal?
He hates everything.
But if you feel it would tarnish your image,
I'll just go call Vicki and tell her you decided to pass.
Vicki? Who's Vicki?
Oh, she books the celebrities.
I met her at a party once years ago.
I was surprised she remembered me. Frasier, we're on in 15 seconds.
Just wait a minute.
You didn't tell me this was a favor for a good friend.
She's not.
Obviously she means something to you.
It's an awkward position you've put me.
-Frasier, I don't care… -All right, I'll go!
This is the last I pull your chestnuts out of the fire.
[PLAYING MELANCHOLY MELODY]
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
-Hello, Dr. Crane. -Hello, Daphne.
You're looking very comfortable for afternoon.
Yeah.
I just love days like this.
Nothing to do, nowhere to go.
Although I have a nagging suspicion I've forgotten something.
Like getting dressed?
Oh, I could just watch the rain all day.
Of course, when I was a little girl, I hated the rain.
Stuck inside, couldn't go out and play.
But my mum would always say, "Enjoy it while you can.
There'll be no water in hell."
Of course, that was her answer for everything.
"Eat your veggies. There'll be no Brussels sprouts in hell."
"Have a lie-down. There'll be no naps in hell."
Daphne, I am a therapist, uh…
If you'd like to talk about this.
About what?
Nothing.
I wish I could remember what it is I forgot to do.
Oh, well, you know what they say,
if you can't remember, it wasn't important anyway.
-FRASIER: Dad! -Oh, no.
You're dripping!
Yeah. That's what'll happen when you're standing out in the rain
waiting for your ride.
Mr. Crane, I am so sorry.
What the hell were you thinking?
Venting these emotions is well and good, but I've just had these floors waxed.
I said four o'clock on the corner of Second and Bell.
You should've called me.
I was afraid if I went looking for a phone, I'd miss you.
Good point. If you'd just step on this paper, please.
That's perfect. Thank you.
Oh, God, he's wet too.
No! Ah!
Damn him. Daphne, get this canine sprinkler out of here.
Now, don't be too cross with him, Dr. Crane.
As me mum used to say, there'll be no dogs in hell.
I sincerely doubt that.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
-Niles. -Frasier.
-Hey, Dad. -Hi.
I stopped by to return your cookbook. I won't be needing it.
Oh, really? I thought you were preparing an anniversary dinner for Maris.
Uh, not this year. Maris has chosen to fly off to a clinic in the Alps
for an experimental rejuvenation treatment.
Only one man performs the procedure,
and she wants to see him before he's extradited.
Well, Niles, I… I'm so sorry.
It's so depressing.
Every time it looks like we're approaching a breakthrough in our therapy,
Maris runs away.
I really hoped that spending time together on our anniversary
would get us over the hump.
There, there, Niles.
I know how difficult it must be
when someone puts their own selfish obsession above your emotional needs.
Here we are.
Why don't you take off that wet coat and stay for dinner?
I'll get us started with a couple of nice hot toddies
like we used to make at Duke's.
Dad, you know, there's a recipe in this book for a hot toddy.
It calls for Courvoisier,
chamomile tea and a dash of framboise.
Garnish it with a few rose petals,
and that's just how Duke used to serve it.
Make yourself at home.
Poor Niles.
-You know, Dad, maybe I should… -Ah, ah, ah. Stop right there.
I know what you're gonna say. You wanna call Maris
and talk her into spending her anniversary with Niles.
I didn't realize I'd become as predictable as all that.
You have, and if you ask me…
Stop. I know exactly what you're going to say.
You're going to say I should mind my own business
and keep my big bazoo shut.
I was gonna say "fat yap," but you're in the ballpark.
I just think that when two people are having an argument,
their emotions can get the better of them.
A third party can provide perspective.
They already have a therapist. If Niles needs any more help,
he's got Dr. Jim Beam here, and he makes house calls.
NILES: I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, Maris.
I hope you enjoy your trip to Switzerland.
Actually, I have plans of my own for our anniversary
that I'm very excited about. Mm-hmm.
Bon voyage.
That's a very healthy approach, Niles.
What are your plans?
I thought I'd sit on my couch in my cavernous apartment
rocking back and forth while hugging my knees.
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
Niles, you're not gonna be alone on your anniversary.
You'll have me and Fras.
Well, actually, I've agreed to…
To give a lecture on a cruise to Alaska.
But I don't see any reason why you two shouldn't join me.
That'd be great. Wouldn't it, Niles?
Oh, uh, I don't know.
Oh, come on, Niles. It'd take your mind off your troubles.
I appreciate your concern, really, but whisking me off on a cruise?
I'm not as emotionally fragile as all that.
As you wish.
Well, Dad, I guess it'll just be you and me, huh?
-Yeah. When do we leave? -Fourteenth.
The 14th?
[MARTIN IMITATING FOGHORN]
You know, that just gets funnier and funnier each time you do it.
[IMITATES FOGHORN]
No, no, I'm wrong.
Hey.
Some ship, huh?
How's your stateroom?
I'd hardly call it a stateroom. I wouldn't even call it a room,
but I don't know the nautical term for "broom closet with sconces."
How's yours?
The same. Worse, even.
I'm sure you have a better view from your porthole than I do.
You have a porthole?
What difference does it make?
A cabin's just a place to shower and change your clothes.
You have a shower?
All I have is a nozzle and a floor drain.
It took me an hour before I put those two things together.
Now, the buffets come at a pretty good clip,
so you gotta pace yourself.
And watch out for your fillers, your breads, your rolls,
your chips and dips.
You've only got so much room. Don't be a hero.
Hey, guys.
Hey. Hey, Fras, this is great.
You got one of those cabins where the whole bathroom turns into a shower?
Yes, Dad. And before you say anything,
I had no idea what Spartan conditions we were in for.
It's quite all right.
Once I got over my fear that I'd be hauled below decks
and manacled to another oarsman, I actually started to enjoy myself.
I suppose I won't be spending that much time in my cabin anyway.
I'll be hobnobbing with fellow celebrities.
Yeah, they got a lot of big names on board.
Did you see the pictures?
"Live and in person, radio star Dr. Frasier Crane."
-How about that? -That's a little embarrassing.
I don't really care for the word "star."
Considering the caliber of the other people on board.
"The comedy stylings of Giggles O'Shea."
Oh, yes, you're in stellar company.
Oh, and look, they even managed to snare a magician:
"The Amazing Lance Gould."
Oh, he's great.
I caught his act in Reno a few years ago.
For his finale, he made his own head disappear.
Now, did the toupee go too, or did it just hover over the collar?
Dear God! You've booked me on a floating Gong Show.
What happened to Zubin Mehta and Gore Vidal?
I am so sorry, Frasier. I had no idea.
I guess they book their A-list celebrities on the big ships.
MAN [OVER PA]: Your attention, please.
The Taste of Alaska buffet
is now being served on the Lido Deck.
Whoa. That's my cue. You guys coming?
Uh, Dad, we had a big lunch at home.
Rookie mistake. See you at dinner.
Frasier, it's not that bad.
-Look, at least you got top billing. -Of course I got top billing.
I'm the only one there I've heard of.
Come on, what about him?
"Latin singing sensation Carlos 'The Barracuda' Del Gato"?
Yeah. Don't you remember him from the '70s?
He invented that big dance craze, the Barracuda.
Believe it or not, Maris was a big fan of his.
-No. -Yes. That was the one dance she could do.
The Hustle was too strenuous.
She had no booty to shake.
But her fetching little under bite was just perfect for the Barracuda.
Niles. Why is that woman staring at you?
God help me. It's that awful Mimi Cosgrove from the country club.
Hide me. She's a man-eating lush who'd go to any lengths to…
-Niles? -Mimi!
You funny little good-for-nothing Mimi.
Mwah, mwah.
What are you doing here?
Oh, looking for the bar.
Oop, there it is.
Come, let me buy you a cocktail.
-You know, I'm… -I don't know what it is
about the ocean that makes me so thirsty.
Ooh, have you been working out?
[MOUTHS] Help me.
ROZ: Look, there he is, the Barracuda.
How thrilling.
A fellow headliner on the USS Has-Been.
Oh, shut up.
Come on, Roz, let's go over my notes for my lecture.
[LATIN ACCENT] Dr. Frasier Crane?
I am Carlos Del Gato.
FRASIER: Ah.
Hello. It's a pleasure to meet you. This is Roz Doyle.
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
-¿Habla español? -Uh, not really.
It's no matter.
I'm sure you're schooled in the international language.
Yes, Roz, say something amusing in Esperanto.
[LAUGHS]
You know, each night, I select the most beautiful woman
in my audience and present to her a red rose.
This means the evening has just begun.
Perhaps, one night, you will be my especial lady?
Until then…
[GASPS]
Okay, you're right.
We're on the voyage of the damned.
-So are you still separated? -Oh, I'm afraid so.
Oh, you poor thing.
Well, we're… We're, uh… We're trying. We're in therapy.
Oh, good.
You know how much I've always thought of you and, uh…
-Maris. -Yeah, an angel.
If there's any way I could be of comfort to you, why, you let me know.
Oh, what is that marvelous fragrance?
-Well, that's… -I beg your pardon, sir.
The lady wishes to send you this with her compliments.
What lady?
Back there in the black dress and the veil.
-Maris. -Oh, and there was one more thing.
Yes?
I'm really very sorry, sir,
but she gave me the biggest tip I've ever seen.
I'm sure you can convince Maris this is all completely innocent.
If not, I'm in cabin 712.
Niles, Niles, what happened?
Was that Maris I saw running out of here?
Yes. She saw Mimi pawing me and assumed the worst.
I've gotta go speak to her. How upset did she look?
I couldn't see past the outfit.
Who wears a black dress and a veil on a cruise?
The woman has virtually no pigmentation.
Three minutes in the sun, she'd sear like an ahi tuna.
She's supposed to be in Switzerland. What's she doing here?
Niles, Niles, I'm sorry.
I'm afraid that this may be partly my fault.
You see, I left a message on her machine saying how upset you were
and that it might be fun if she could join us on the cruise.
You invited her to come and didn't tell me?
-I thought it would be a nice surprise. -Oh, well, it worked out perfectly.
She's probably on the phone right now arranging to fly home from the next port.
Excuse me, excuse me. The lady who sent me the champagne,
do you know which stateroom she's in?
No, sir.
-But she did ask me to give you a message. -Yes?
Just out of curiosity, how much are these running her?
You're on in 20 minutes.
How's your speech coming?
It's hard to concentrate. I'm so concerned about Niles.
I like this opening joke you wrote.
It's very funny.
Thank you. I can't take all the credit.
I had a patty melt with Giggles before his show.
Oh, Niles.
I can't tell you again how sorry I am for meddling.
How did it go with Maris?
Terribly. This is, without a doubt, the most depressing night of my life.
[ROZ LAUGHING]
That is so fun… I'm sorry.
I spent hours looking for her.
Then I remembered her fondness for the Barracuda.
I ran down to the lounge and found that Latin cheeseball
crooning his ghastly song directly to her.
I started to approach.
Then a waiter came,
and by the time I got the champagne out of my eyes, she'd disappeared.
I waited after the show.
She didn't come out.
Neither did Del Gato.
Niles, what are you implying?
You know Maris' taste for revenge.
If she thinks I'm having an affair with Mimi,
then she's going to try to punish me in kind.
Wow.
Do you really think she's planning to do the Barracuda?
Niles… don't jump to conclusions.
It's exactly what Maris did.
Says a lot about our marriage, doesn't it? No trust on either side.
What hope is there for us?
-Is there anything I can do? -No, you've done enough.
I'm just going to take a walk.
Oh, God.
Oh, I feel so guilty.
When will I learn to stop interfering in other people's affairs?
I'd better go talk to Maris, see if I can fix this.
You're gonna butt in again?
I don't see what business that is of yours.
-There's your dad. -Oh, no, oh, no.
If he finds out, I'll never hear the end of it.
Boy, that Taste of Alaska spread was a bust.
Wanna know what caribou meat tastes like?
Not chicken.
Where's Niles?
-He's out for a walk. -Oh.
Oh, I may as well tell you the whole thing.
Maris is on board.
She and Niles had a horrible fight,
and their marriage is in worse shape than it's ever been before,
and no need telling you how she got here.
I know, I know.
What was I thinking, inviting her to come on the cruise?
You invited Maris?
Yeah. Well, Niles was so upset about being alone on their anniversary,
it seemed like a good idea.
Smart, huh?
I give you all this guff about butting in,
and then I turn around and do the same damn thing.
Well, Dad, don't be too hard on yourself.
-ROZ: Frasier? -Oh, all right.
I invited Maris too.
-You did? -Yeah.
I told you to keep your big bazoo shut.
Oh, you're one to talk.
So, what are we gonna do now?
Nothing. Nothing at all.
Let them resolve their own differences.
-Stay on the sidelines, where we belong. -All right. Ooh. Better get going.
I'm gonna miss the first seating for dinner.
Dad, my lecture's in 15 minutes.
Oh, jeez, well, I guess I can't do everything.
Tell me how it went at the midnight buffet.
I guess we better head over to your lecture.
Right. First, I'm gonna go talk to Maris.
You just said…
Forget what I said. You're coming too.
Why me? I don't know her.
-You can vouch for Niles' innocence. -Oh, all right.
I'm kind of curious to meet her.
You know, in all these years, I've never actually seen her face?
I haven't seen her most recent one, so this will be new for both of us.
All right, now listen, let me do all the talking.
Oh, if it looks like she has an orange Abyssinian on her head,
don't stare, that's a wiglet.
All through. Have a nice evening.
Damn, she must not be here.
What are you doing? You can't go in.
I just wanna see the room.
You just can't barge into someone else's room…
[GASPS] My God.
Is that a grand piano?
Frasier, look.
The Barracuda's calling card.
That means that he's chosen Maris to be his…
BOTH: Especial lady.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Shh, she's coming.
Why are we hiding?
You came here to talk to her.
It's impossible to extol the virtues of trust
to someone whose room you've broken into.
-[DOOR OPENS] -Shh, she's coming.
FRASIER: Oh, dear God.
The shower is bigger than my entire cabin.
ROZ: Shut up.
-Martin. -[YELLS]
What are you doing here?
We came to talk to Maris.
-What are you doing here? -The same as you.
Then why did you come in the bathroom?
-Well, what do you think? -FRASIER: Oh…
-Oh, all right. -Let's get the hell out of here.
[DOOR OPENS]
It's Maris.
What's the big deal? Why don't we just go out and talk to her?
We can't go out there. She may not be alone.
-Remember the rose? -Oh, God.
Yes.
Oh. I don't see her.
Maybe she went back out.
Oh, wait, I see her coat on a hat rack.
Look closer.
Is the hat rack moving?
Oh, my God.
What's she doing?
-Well, she seems to be alone. -That's good.
She's pouring champagne, two glasses.
Oh, that's bad.
Now she's putting on music.
[OVER SPEAKERS] ♪ Do, do, do the Barracuda… ♪
["THE BARRACUDA" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Oh. Oh, that's bad.
On so many levels.
She's coming this way.
[MARTIN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
FRASIER: Shh. Shh.
♪ The Turks forget their food-a, the monks neglect their Gouda… ♪
♪ Some girls… ♪
[MARIS GARGLING]
[MARIS SPITTING]
[WATER RUNS]
♪ Do, do, do the Barracuda… ♪
[DOOR CLOSES]
She's gone.
How are we gonna get out of here?
I have no idea.
I've got about three minutes before I have to be downstairs,
or 200 people are going to be sorely disappointed.
Two hundred people? Where'd you hear that?
They told me that was the room capacity.
Oh! Oh, come on.
Giggles had to add a show.
Shh. She's gonna hear us.
[DOORBELL BUZZES]
-It's the Barracuda. -Who's the Barracuda?
He's a sleazy Latin lounge singer Maris is gonna sleep with
to get back at Niles for kissing Mimi.
-Who's Mimi? -A horny society boozer,
and the Mrs. O'Leary's cow of our predicament.
Who's Mrs. O'Leary?
A woman in Chicago who… Oh, I don't have the time.
The important thing is to stop Maris
before she does something to damage her relationship forever.
We cannot go out there now.
We don't wanna walk in on the two of them.
I don't wanna see that. I just ate caribou.
Oh, very well.
It seems I'm the only one who cares about this relationship.
I will go and do it.
[BOTH YELL]
Maris, what a lovely bathroom! [YELLS]
What are you doing here?
We came to convince Maris there was nothing going on between you and Mimi.
What are you doing here?
Maris and I ran into each other, and we had a long talk,
and she invited me here for a glass of champagne.
Oh, that's great, Niles.
It might mar the mood if she finds you spying on her.
-Did you use that mouthwash? -No, Maris did.
My God.
She's in the mood for more than champagne.
You've got to leave here right now.
Give me time to see her out to the balcony.
A balcony?
Just count to ten and then scram so Maris and I can celebrate
the way a man and his wife were meant to.
Oh, damn.
She started without me.
-MARTIN: Ew. -[FRASIER GROANS]
Drinking the champagne.
-Ah. -Okay.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Quite stylish.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
What is a boy to do?
Thank you!