[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
-Good morning, Roz. -Hey, Frasier.
-For you. -Oh.
A little token of thanks. After you cut those new promos,
Dr. Frank on KTLK practically vanished from the radio.
I'm not very good at picking out gifts for people,
but when I saw this, I knew it was perfect for you.
[SOBBING]
-Maybe I should've gone with the shawl. -No, it's not the purse.
-Oh… -Although I do hate it.
-I don't even know why I'm crying. -Oh, Roz, it's the pregnancy.
A soup of hormones churns through your body,
and naturally, your emotions are rising and falling at the slightest provocation.
That's idiotic.
All right. Is there something going on?
Last night was a disaster.
Oh, right, your date.
Yes, everything was going fine until he tried to order me a drink.
But then I told him I was pregnant.
You didn't tell him before the date?
It's not the easiest thing to tell someone.
Besides, I was hoping my radiant glow would do the talking for me.
Your glow? Oh, please, Roz, do you really think that…
Anyone could miss your glow?
So I tell him, and he says, "Fine, it's not a problem."
Five minutes later he tells me his pager is vibrating.
He has an emergency. He has to go to work.
-Well, maybe he was telling the truth. -He sells wicker furniture.
Who needs their end tables re-caned at 9:30 at night?
[SOBBING]
Oh, Roz.
Oh, God, Roz, Roz, look, I owe you an apology, Roz, it's not the hormones.
You're embarking on a life-changing journey.
Naturally, anybody would be emotional.
For what it's worth, you're handling it beautifully.
-Oh, thanks, Frasier. -Yeah.
-I'm fine. I need to go back to work. -Right.
My God, my pen is out of ink!
Well, let's not discount the hormones altogether. I mean…
FRASIER: Hello. I'd like to return this purse.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry,
but this was a sale item, and we have a no-return policy.
-Your wife didn't like it? -Well, I'm not married.
-Girlfriend? -No. No, no girlfriend, either.
I don't have time to go into all my nonexistent relationships.
It was a gift for a friend.
Ah.
Well, perhaps your friend would like to make it work with some matching shoes.
We have up to size 13.
This really was a gift,
and I would thank you when you say the word "friend" not to italicize it.
[CLEARS THROAT] Excuse me, sir, I couldn't help overhearing.
-May I help you out here? -If you hold her down, I can do the rest.
Hopefully, that won't be necessary.
Uh…
Uh, look,
Jill, we're all reasonable people here.
Why don't just give this gentleman a credit?
Look, I don't make the rules.
Yes.
But a shrewd saleswoman such as yourself
knows that this business isn't about rules.
It's about relationships. Now, look at this man.
Cultured, impeccably dressed, well-to-do.
The sort of man you'd love to have a relationship with.
There's only one thing standing in the way of that relationship.
He's not happy with his purse.
It's not my purse.
Maybe his purse was the wrong color.
Maybe it didn't hold enough.
It's not my purse.
Now, if this man walks away unhappy, he may never shop here again.
And who knows what he might have bought in the future?
Scarves, gloves, hosiery.
Now, the choice is yours, Jill.
The commissions that come from a lifelong relationship
or the hollow satisfaction of knowing you followed the rules.
Okay. I'll go get the forms.
Well, thank you.
That was very impressive.
You should see me return something hard, like a house or a kidney.
-You see, the secret is persistence. -Ah.
-Frasier Crane. -Samantha Pierce.
-Sam. -Hi.
-Are you Dr. Frasier Crane? -Yes, I am.
Oh, your voice sounded familiar. For a while, I thought you were
the "white zone is for loading and unloading only" guy.
No, I get that a lot.
Sam, listen, may I thank you by taking you to dinner tonight?
That's very sweet of you,
but I was just trying to be a Good Samaritan.
-Oh. Well… -Well, thanks anyway.
Oh, no, thank you.
-Goodbye. -Bye.
-Oh, Sam… -Okay, I'd love to go to dinner.
Oh, that's wonderful.
You see? Persistence pays off.
I was gonna ask you to get my parking validated,
but this works out well too.
MAN [ON TV]: Forty-seven seconds left in this fourth quarter.
The Seahawks cannot afford to flip the bar.
-What are you doing? -Watching football with you.
-What's the score? -Twenty-seven-20.
Oh, great.
-Wanna know who's winning? -Not particularly, no.
Wow, someone has a special evening planned.
Matter of fact, I do. What tipped you off, my self-confident air?
No, your silver collar pin.
-You wear it when you've got a hot date. -[DOORBELL RINGS]
Good work getting all the tarnish off. It shined up nicely.
Evening, Dr. Crane.
Hello, Daphne.
-Dad, Frasier, ready to go? -FRASIER: Niles.
-Give me a minute. -Well, actually, Niles,
I can't make it to the boat show with you and Dad.
-It'll just be the two of you. -Oh, too bad.
-Maybe some other time. -FRASIER: Yeah.
-Goodness. -What?
It is a clear night.
FRASIER: Ah. Yes. Yes. You know, it's been rather windy lately.
-NILES: Just look at those stars. -FRASIER: Uh-huh.
-Is that Orion? -Yes, I believe it is.
Uh-huh. What the hell are you doing?
We have a mutual-support pact.
When there's a Dad event, we're there for each other.
Niles, I have a date with a spectacular woman.
So what? I gave up Traviata tickets to support you at a tractor pull.
Niles, we could stop at that medieval restaurant for dinner.
Oh, sounds great, Dad.
Daphne, would you be interested in using my ticket for the boat show?
Oh, yes, that would be nice.
-[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON TV] -Very crafty.
So who's the lucky lady?
Well, her name is Samantha Pierce. We just met yesterday.
She recognized me from my radio show and…
Well, you know, in fact, when I asked her out, uh…
I sensed a bit of shyness,
which made me wonder if she was intimidated by my fame.
-You say Samantha Pierce? -Yeah, Dad.
-Blond hair? Blue eyes? -Right. How would you know?
She's on Larry King.
We're here with noted attorney Samantha Pierce.
She's in Los Angeles to appear with us.
Currently she's trying a case in Seattle defending the Butcher Knife Killer.
Sam, I have to ask you this.
Don't you think being in the public eye,
dating some of the world's most famous men,
affects the way jurors perceive you?
Now, that's not really fair, Larry. I don't date public figures.
What about the much-publicized relationship
with Kevin Costner?
SAM: Oh, that's just a rumor.
-LARRY: George Stephanopoulos? -SAM: Just a rumor too.
Brad Pitt is another rumor?
Yeah. But I started that one.
LARRY: So you said that men…
I can see how she'd be intimidated by your fame.
I thought her name sounded familiar. I must have read it in the newspaper.
Congratulations, Fras.
You're playing in the big leagues now. Yeah.
Kevin Costner, Stephanopoulos, you.
Don't let him shake your confidence. You'll be fine.
Maybe she's had her fill of attractive men and is ready for a change.
Aren't I lucky?
Normally, a forest troll like me has to trick a woman to get a date.
No. All I'm saying is, I once dated a man
who had gone out with several of the top British actresses
but got sick of their vanity and insecurity.
Well, there, you see, it does happen.
Of course, after he got through slumming, he dumped me and went back to actresses.
But he did get me an autographed picture of Helena Bonham Carter.
She's riding a pony.
So Teddy Kennedy, Henry Kissinger and the Dalai Lama are all on this plane…
Oh, wait, I think I've heard this joke.
No, this really happened to me about a month ago.
Well, don't I feel silly? I…
Never mind, it's not a very good story anyway.
-So how's your appetizer? -Oh.
-Delicious. -Uh-huh.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Your salad?
Oh, it's very good.
Actually, I haven't even tried it yet.
Oh, mm. I was right.
Um… [CLEARS THROAT]
I hope this doesn't offend you, but I've had the most stressful day,
and I really don't have the energy to make a lot of small talk.
Plus, I'm not very hungry. Would you mind terribly if we just…
Look, I know where this is headed. You don't have to say it.
Could we just go someplace and have sex?
That you did have to say.
I'm sorry. That sounded forward. I…
But it's the only thing I really wanna do right now.
Well, I'm flattered, and the thought is very tempting.
But you see, on my show, I'm constantly preaching
that people should get to know one another, uh,
have things in common, before taking that kind of step.
What's your favorite color?
-Blue. -Mine too. Check, please.
Ah, ahoy there, mateys. How was the boat show?
Oh, it was wonderful.
Yeah, they had this one great exhibit where you climb into this boat,
you put on a life jacket, and they simulate what it's like
to be caught out at sea in a hurricane.
FRASIER: Good Lord, Niles.
Why did you ever agree to go on a ride like that?
I didn't. I dined at the snack bar.
Well, I guess this wasn't a very hot night for you, huh? Home by 10:30?
-Well… -SAM: Found my bra.
Oh.
-This is a little embarrassing. -FRASIER: Not at all.
Sam, my brother Dr. Niles Crane, my father Martin Crane,
-and his health-care worker Daphne Moon. -Hi.
-Hello. -Nice to meet you.
Yeah, I've been watching the trial on TV. It's fascinating.
Oh. For us too.
Well, I'd better get going. I have an early morning.
-Right. -Lovely meeting all of you.
-Likewise. -Yeah, bye.
MARTIN: Bye.
I had a wonderful evening.
So did I.
Good night.
-Well, I'm off to bed. -Oh, no, no, no, not so fast, mister.
I can tell by that goofy smile of yours that you're smitten with this woman.
Thank you, Niles, but I am not some dewy-eyed teenager.
She did say the cutest thing. She…
She said murderers often show no remorse for their actions
because they have no moral center.
It was cute the way she said it.
FRASIER: Now, I want you to taste this and tell me what you think.
Mm. That is spectacular. Where did you learn how to do that?
Just something I picked up as a child at sauce camp.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Hello?
What?
When did this happen?
Well, because we're expected to give full disclosure.
Can't Brendan handle it?
Oh, all right.
I suppose you know what I'm about to say.
You wanna skip dinner again and go straight to sex?
I'm sorry, Frasier. I really am.
You went to all this trouble.
It's all right.
You know fine French cooking.
It's always better after a night in the fridge.
Don't worry. We came back to get our umbrellas, then we're leaving.
No, no, no, stay, stay.
It's all right. I've been called back to work.
It'd be a shame to let a good meal go to waste.
Frasier's morel mushroom and tarragon sauce.
Why, how did you know that?
Niles has always been able to identify a sauce from a great distance.
His mother and I were so proud.
If it's not too late, maybe I'll be able to come back over after.
-Okay… -Either way, I'll call you.
That's what you said yesterday, but you forgot.
I told you I was sorry about that.
I promise, I'll call.
What a shame. After you cooked that lovely meal.
Yes, let me tell you, crown roast does not prepare itself.
You know, it's funny, as much as I care for this woman,
something about this relationship leaves me vaguely unsettled.
I might venture a theory at which you're sure to hoot.
What may be making you uncomfortable is that for the first time,
you find yourself in the more…
Submissive role.
What on earth are you talking about?
I think what he means is you're the girl.
NILES: Well, think about it.
How did you two first meet? She came to your rescue.
Who initiated the first sexual encounter? She did.
She did?
Who's wearing the pants in this relationship?
-My point exactly. -Fine.
As much fun as it must be to spin out this little theory,
it's entirely without foundation.
-[TIMER DINGS] -There's my rosemary bread.
Look, if it's any consolation, I know what you're going through.
Women have been putting up with it for generations.
Men say they'll call, and they don't.
Or you get a few nice dinners and then the eventual booty call.
I did not get a booty call.
What's a booty call?
It's a late-night call inviting you to meet, with the true goal of having sex.
God, I did get a booty call.
MARTIN: if you ask me,
you should nip this thing in the bud before it gets out of hand.
I don't think we have to look beyond our own family to find an example
of someone who let a woman run the show from the beginning
and has been paying for it ever since.
Poor Uncle Frank.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I'm wasting my time fighting you people.
You take the tiniest detail from my relationship with Sam
and twist it to support your ridiculous theory.
I saw a guy selling these. I thought they might cheer you up.
Oh, Sam, they're beautiful.
-You are so… -Oh. Really gotta run.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Now you're gonna read something into this!
-[ELEGANT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING] -Oh, God, I really love that tie.
You should. You sent it to me.
Oh, yeah, right.
You had your secretary pick it out, didn't you?
Only because he has better taste than I do.
Don't worry about tonight.
-I know how boring lawyer parties are. -Hmm.
We won't stay a minute longer than we have to.
-Sam. -Oh.
I'd like you to meet our senior partner Daniel Gill.
Hi, how are you? Sam, they're ready for us on that conference call.
-Oh, right. We'll just take a minute. -Mm-hmm.
You're new.
-Oh, I'm Frasier. -I'm Jennifer, Stewart's wife.
-Hello. -This is Cindy Dolce.
-She's married to Bob. -Nice to meet you.
-Terri Bailey. She's living with Ed. -Hello, Terri.
And Vanessa Saint-Claire, soon to be Mrs. Irving Lumpowsky.
Well, good heavens.
How long have you and Sam been seeing each other?
Well, just about three weeks.
We haven't been able to get much time together.
She assures me that'll change as soon as…
ALL: The trial's over.
Oh, there's always another trial.
But you'll get used to the life.
Dates getting canceled, dinners left uneaten.
But at least you'll get sent plenty of flowers.
Oh, Jennifer, he's a man.
He won't get flowers.
Oh, uh, Sam, Sam, could I have a word with you in private?
Sure.
Is there something wrong?
Well, I know it's not the best time to bring this up,
but lately I've been feeling an uneasiness about this relationship.
-What do you mean? -Well, uh…
Look, I'm not one to get bogged down in male-female role playing.
It's just that lately, well…
Take our first date. We'd barely begun dinner
when you suggested that we run off and go to bed together. Well, I…
Traditionally, that is…
Well, every man's dream. Bad example. Um…
But there's the way that you cancel dates all the time.
You say you'll call and you don't call. You have your secretary send me a gift.
And when I get upset, you think you can buy me off with flowers.
Is that it? That's what you dragged me out here for?
I'm in the middle of the most intense case of my entire career.
A man's life hangs in the balance, and you're whining about flowers?
"Whining" is a little strong.
Well, tell me what you mean, Frasier.
I mean, if you're the one who has to work late hours
and is breaking all the dates, is sending flowers and gifts,
-would that be okay? -No, that's not it.
Well, good God, you're a psychiatrist. Shouldn't you be above all of this?
Look, I'm just telling you how I feel. Now you're yelling at me.
[SCOFFS] Just tell me what you want, Frasier.
Do you wanna be the traditional man, and I'll be the put-upon woman?
No, no, that's not what I want.
[SIGHS]
I just wish we could have a relationship where… neither one of us is the man.
So that would make us, what, a lesbian couple?
They're very in now.
Oh, Frasier, I know, I know no one likes being stood up.
I… I'll try to be more understanding.
And I'll…
I'll try to stop being so damn emotional.
I'm glad we had this little talk,
because I was about to make a very big mistake.
What?
The other day, when we were in the store,
you mentioned that you liked something, and, well, typical me,
I ran right out and bought it.
Oh. Well, we certainly dodged a bullet there, didn't we?
So, what was it?
This.
And you bought this for me?
You know, I'm really rather embarrassed, Frasier.
You were right.
I take relationships for granted, and then I just run right off to Cartier
and buy an expensive gift to make up for it.
Cartier? Oh…
I'll return it. I know how strongly you feel.
Well… you know, maybe I've just been a bit self-absorbed lately.
You're the kind of a person who likes to express their affection
by buying gifts.
I mean, who am I to stand in your way?
So…
All right.
It's lovely.
No, Frasier, I… It isn't about the gifts.
I give gifts because I can never think of the right words…
Is this what you're trying to say?
Very well put.
What do you say we get out of here? I'll go get our coats.
-No, no, I will get our coats. -You don't know where they are.
All right. You get them.
I'm so bored. What time is it?
Time? Well, let's just have a look.
[WOMEN GASP]
-My goodness. It's magnificent! -Isn't it fabulous? It's Cartier.
Sam gave it to me just now.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Mercy.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Good night, Seattle! We love you!