[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
I specifically requested my macaroni and cheese al dente.
I know. This lunch is a culinary Hindenberg.
Niles, have you considered that our food may be payback
for your recent editorial, "Cafeteria of Shame"?
Well, they can't intimidate me.
They'll never silence my pen.
I could write an exposé on their baked goods alone.
Yes, this is the hardest "roll" since Hamlet.
Good one, Frasier. May I use it?
But of course.
These biscotti represent an all-time low.
Chalky aftertaste, inelegant aroma, spongy.
And what is spongy biscotti
but an unwelcome trespasser into Madeleine territory?
Have you seen how stale these pistachios are?
It's like swallowing gravel. It's a wonder I've escaped permanent injury.
Yes, your ability to cheat death at every turn never ceases to amaze.
Someone's in a mood today.
I'm sorry, Niles.
You know how sometimes you just find yourself getting restless?
I have a feeling I'm about to.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello? Yes.
Really!
Bravo! Excellente! Benissimo!
-You'll never guess who that was. -The three tenors?
No, that was my antique scout.
The present I ordered for Maris' birthday has finally arrived.
I got her the most exquisite antique saddle.
Oh. How does it look on you?
You won't laugh when you see it.
It is bejeweled, but not overdone, much like my Maris.
The craftsmanship is breathtaking.
It's been so expertly restored, you can barely see the stitching.
Again, like Maris.
-Someone is in a mood today. -Oh, I'll get it.
-I'll get this. -Oh, thank you, Niles.
You know, perhaps you better run along to the wine club on your own tonight.
-What? -Well, it'll just be the same old faces
rehashing the same boring topics.
You're more upset than I realized.
Let's do something to get your mind off it.
Dinner? Chamber music?
There's a wonderful lecture series on the history of modern lecture series.
I'm sorry, I don't think so.
I feel like being on my own tonight. You don't mind, do you?
Of course not. I'll see you at Cucina for lunch tomorrow.
Well, maybe we better play that by ear as well.
-As you wish. -You're not upset, are you?
Frasier, I'd have to have a pretty fragile ego to be upset
just because you want to take some time away from me.
-Is this ready? -Separate checks, please.
Hey, Marty, we're gettin' hungry out here!
It's coming! All right, here we go:
cold cuts, pizza rolls, deviled eggs, pork roll-ups. All right!
Yes, the ideal buffet for a group of heavy-set men over sixty.
I assume everyone's affairs are in order?
Well, we're about ready to start our poker game.
Don't worry, Mr. Crane, I'll be on my way in a minute.
Okay.
-Well, we're about ready to start our… -I heard you, Dad.
I'm just trying to figure out what I'm going to do with myself this evening.
Lately my old routine doesn't seem to satisfy me anymore.
I'm trying to think of something new.
Oh, I know, maybe I could, uh, join you and the guys for some cards, huh?
Oh, I don't know about that, Frasier. I just don't think you'd fit in.
Well, why not? Roz is playing.
Well, Roz is like one of the guys. She knows more dirty jokes than Duke.
If that's the criteria, I could tell you a tale or two
that'd make you blush like a schoolgirl.
That's what I'm afraid of.
Oh, let him play. It can't hurt anything.
-All right. Come on. -Thanks, Dad.
-Let me get that for you. -Oh, thanks. All right.
Hey, guys, uh, Frasier's gonna sit in with us tonight.
-Oh, great, great! -Grab a chair there, Fras.
-Really? You're gonna play with us? -Why not, Roz?
Don't look so surprised.
Sometimes there's nothing I enjoy more
than a good old-fashioned night with the guys.
Okay, ante up, everybody.
Seven-card stud, high-low, chips to win, eight for low, the wheel is no good.
-Perfect. -No check-in rays, three bump limit.
Sounds good.
-You're lost, aren't you? -Like a Bedouin in a sandstorm.
So, you guys get your all-weather tires on yet?
I'm going to Richie's for body work. I figure I'll let him do it.
-Go to Tim's. You get free Armor All. -DUKE: Yeah?
Ever been to Hank's? Now there's a garage.
King bets. Fifty cents. Yeah, I've been to Hank's.
Right next to Mike's Hardware, right?
I was in Mike's the other day. They got those new cordless drills.
You still go to Mike's? You ought to try Tommy's.
They're giving away free battery testers with every purchase.
I'm out.
Hey, thanks for the money.
Well, that was a bust.
Be glad you got out before the debate begins over
who'd be more fun on a desert island, Angie Dickinson or Ursula Andress.
Oh, that is ludicrous.
It's Angie Dickinson.
You know, Doctor Crane, I know it's none of my business, but…
-Oh, never mind. -No, no, go ahead.
Perhaps you've been feeling restless lately
because of a lack of, well, you know, female companionship.
-So I thought… -Oh, dear.
Just listen!
I'm meeting my friend Clare for drinks tonight,
and she's complained of feeling restless also.
No, just stop right there.
I would think by now that you'd know my policy on fix-ups.
She's pretty, she's lonely, and she'd an underwear model.
So you do know my policy. Off we go.
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
Say hello to the Fox and Whistle.
Well, you point her out, and I will.
Hey, love, give us a kiss.
-I hope he's talkin' to you. -Evening, all.
Daphne!
Oh, there's Clare now.
Oh, my, my, she's everything you said she was.
-CLARE: I'm engaged! -And more.
When did this happen?
Well, my old boyfriend Bob surprised me two nights ago.
You've got to meet him. He's right over there.
He even brought someone you might be interested in.
Oh, he is nice-looking, isn't he?
[MOUTHING WORDS]
Oh, coming, pookie.
I'm sorry, Doctor Crane. It seems I've dragged you down here for nothing.
Oh, hardly.
If not for you, I would've missed seeing the world's most nauseating couple
defend their title.
We can leave if you like.
Not at all. Go talk with your friend. I'll have a drink.
-You sure? -Sure.
What do you need?
Well, funny, I've been asking myself that same question all day.
-Seems that lately my life… -I'll come back.
I forgot that story.
Oh, jeez, it still doesn't top the time
Leo and I were settin' to break up that fight in the strip joint.
LEO: Ooh, boy!
Remember? We walked in there, and I'm telling you,
there was this one girls who…
Marty, Marty, maybe you shouldn't tell that particular story.
-What, because of Roz? -Oh, please, Frank.
If I can handle the Angie-Ursula debate, I think I can handle this.
Well, yeah, you agreed with me on that one, right?
You said you'd rather sleep with Angie.
One more time, Leo.
If I had to choose.
Hey, Leo, you start tellin' them that strip joint story, all right?
You guys are gonna bust a gut.
Anybody else need a beer?
-Roz? -Yeah.
Remember?
Oh, jeez, I'm sorry. I forgot. Yeah.
Well, what's the matter, Roz? Afraid you won't be able to control yourself
with all these handsome guys here?
Oh, it's a little late for that, Frank. I'm pregnant.
What, really? Oh, that's great.
I remember when my Annie was pregnant.
There is nothin' more beautiful than a pregnant broad.
You're in for a real treat, Roz.
Best thing I ever did was havin' kids.
You know, from the moment you hold that brand-new baby in your arms,
your whole life changes.
You're right about that.
What about when they grab your finger with their little hands?
Oh, jeez, that's one of the greatest feelings there is.
Yeah, and the joy of seein' them look up at you and smile.
-Cherish every moment, Roz. -FRANK: Oh, he's right.
One minute they're sittin' on your lap, you're their whole world.
Next thing they're grown up, out the door with lives of their own.
And it's just you, old and alone in an empty house.
So empty.
Leo, I don't think you told that story right.
I think that Steven likes you.
I hope so. He's adorable.
I must say I was flattered when he assumed I was an underwear model, too.
I noticed you didn't rush to correct him.
Oh, there'll be time for that after the wedding.
Oh, maybe I should just tell Doctor Crane to run along home.
I'm surprised you even brought your boss down here.
I could never relax around mine.
And what if he took a liking to the place?
Oh, that's nothing I have to worry about.
-This pub really isn't his style. -Mm.
CROWD: ♪ Bring out the barrel ♪
♪ Bring out a ton of good cheer ♪
♪ And we'll have to roll the barrel, for the gang's all here! ♪
[ALL CHEERING]
Daphne, come and sing a song with us.
Well, actually, I…
Oh, you're not this shy about singing around the house.
-You two live together? -Yes, she's my dad's health care worker.
I thought you modeled underwear.
No! Only if her robe's not cinched up tight enough.
[ALL LAUGHING]
-Steven… -TERRENCE: Hey, come on, Frasier,
-we're gonna do "Knees Up Mother Brown." -I don't know "Knees Up Mother Brown."
Hey, I know what. Let's bring some sheet music tomorrow night.
Tomorrow?
-Yes. -DAPHNE: Well, you can't.
I mean, do you know you have that gallery opening tomorrow?
No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll try to pick it up.
ALL: ♪ Roll out the barrel, We'll have a barrel of fun ♪
♪ Roll out the barrel… ♪
Hey, Sherry, Daphne's finally clearin' out for a night.
Why don't ya come over?
I'll, uh, you know, I'll get a fire goin', open up a bottle of bubbly,
put a little Bobby Darin on the stereo,
and then "Look out, Mack, he's back in town."
Yeah, I thought it up before I called you. What's the difference?
Okay, see ya soon.
-Whoa! Daphne, don't you look beautiful! -Thank you.
It's so nice to finally have me pub back again.
-At least for a night. -MARTIN: Yeah.
You are sure Doctor Crane has plans?
Oh, yeah. Niles called. They're goin' to the opera.
Let's hope it's one of those long German ones.
I don't want him showing up for last call.
MARTIN: Right.
Oh, good evening, Daphne.
-Wow, you look smashing. -Oh, thanks.
I was just on my way out.
What, to the Fox and Whistle? I'll go with you.
Let me just me mack and me brolly, and Bob's your uncle!
But, wait!
I thought you were going to the opera with your brother.
Oh, no, that's tomorrow night. Gee, I hope Winston's at the pub.
I owe him five quid for the other night.
Suddenly I'm not feeling so well.
Oh, really?
Hope it's not that flu that's going around.
-I think I'll just stay home tonight. -[DOORBELL CHIMES]
That's probably for the best.
You gotta be careful what you bring to the pub with you.
DAPHNE: Tell me about it.
-Hello, Niles. -Frasier.
-Is something the matter? -Oh, had a rough night last night.
-How so? -Oh…
I gave Maris her birthday saddle.
She was so thrilled she treated me to a little Lady Godiva impression.
-Oh, my… -Yes.
Apparently the oils in the saddle reacted badly with her cellulite cream.
It created a powerful epoxy.
-Oh, dear. -Yes.
It took an hour and a full bottle of nail polish remover to get her free.
Today her poor little thighs were so raw
the only way she could find comfort was to straddle a frozen Butterball turkey.
[SIGHS]
The only thing that cheered me up all day
was the thought of our box at the opera tonight.
-Oh, that's tomorrow night, Niles. -No, no, no, it's tonight.
I have the tickets right here.
Oh, no.
-Is there a problem? -Well, yes.
There's a billiard tournament at the pub tonight.
You're passing up "Orpheus and Eurydice"
to shoot pool at some sticky-floored saloon?
Yes, well, my, my partner Terrence
has agreed to skip a family wedding just to participate.
I can't leave him in the lurch.
Isn't there somebody else that could take my place?
At this point I'd just as soon be by myself.
My brother has abandoned me. My wife is cursing my name.
Tonight when Orpheus descends into hell,
I'll be there waiting for him with a fruit basket.
Oh, Niles, you can't stay mad at me.
I promise I'll make it up to you. Press for the lift, will you?
Oh, don't look at me that way. That's what they call it.
[HUMMING]
Hmm.
Ah, baby…
Why is it so bloody dark in here?
Bad enough I have to stay home all evening, I'm not going blind as well.
What? What, you're staying in tonight?
I don't have much choice since that son of yours decided to go to my pub again.
I mean, imagine being so dense
that you can completely ruin someone else's evening
and not even be aware of it.
This wax is dripping.
MARTIN: What?
Well, have you tried maybe dropping a hint?
Oh, believe me, I've dropped plenty.
They go right over his head.
Oh, I'll have a glass of that.
Well, look, Daphne, I've gotta level with ya.
Sherry's comin' over,
and I really was hopin' to have the place to myself tonight.
Oh.
You know, I really think you ought to talk to Frasier,
and I'm not just sayin' this because I want you to get the hell out of here.
It's your pub, and you ought to tell him that.
He's gotta go find his own place.
I can't say that!
Well, the longer you let it go, the more attached he's gonna get to that place.
But he's my boss.
But it's your pub.
Okay.
That's it.
I'm gonna go talk to him.
Good for you.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
No, Maris, sorry, you just missed him.
Why are your teeth chattering?
You're kiddin' me.
Can't you just use the defroster?
Oh, gee, Terrence,
I never dreamed we'd be eliminated from the tournament in the first round.
Guess I was a little rustier than I thought.
Hey, you know, maybe you can still make that wedding reception.
It's in Liverpool.
Well, then, these are on me.
-Hey, it's Daphne! Hello, love. -Oh, Daphne!
Evening, all.
Doctor Crane, I have to talk to you.
Well, by all means, Daphne.
Oh, uh, Winston, let's have one of these pints for Miss Moon, please.
Oh, this is a real nice surprise, Daphne.
You must be feeling better. Here we are.
You make a toast.
I don't want you coming down here ever again.
Well, I… I guess "Here's mud in your eye" sounded kind of mean the first time too.
I'm sorry if that sounds a bit harsh, but I don't know what else to do.
This pub is where I come to get away from things,
including my job, and you are my boss…
Daphne, I am so sorry.
-I know that must sound selfish. -No, no, not at all.
You know, back in Boston I had a bar like this one.
Certainly understand what it's like to have a place where you can get away.
So, we've just got one solution.
This is your bar.
I'll just go.
I do appreciate this, Doctor Crane.
I know you've made friends here, too.
Yes, but I've only been coming here a week.
You've got a history here.
-They've become like family to me. -Yes.
I'll just settle up and go.
-Hey, stranger! -Hey, I've not been gone that long.
Two months is all.
-Who's this pretty new girl? -Oh, that's Daphne. She's Clare's friend.
She's only been coming in the last month or so.
A month?
Hello. Well, I'll see you at home then, Doctor Crane.
Wait a minute. You've only been coming down here for a month?
That's still longer than you.
Yes, well, there's certainly no way I'm leaving now.
What?
Daphne, this bar has filled up a void in my life.
I'm not going to throw that away because you beat me here by a fortnight.
Stop talking like us!
Now, now, I don't know what you two are arguing about,
but, uh, we settle things around here with a quick game of cricket.
-Darts? -Yeah, rules are on the board.
There's got to be a better way than that.
Well, I don't know. It's decisive.
It's better than standing around here bickering.
It's not exactly my game.
Well, it's not mine either.
Well, all right, let's try it.
You shoot first, Daphne.
You know, I'm rather proud of us.
Here we are, two people with a conflict. We found a civilized way to settle it.
Oh, my!
-Is that good? -Quite good.
Lucky shot, then.
You know, Daphne, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying to hustle me.
DAPHNE: Oh, not at all.
I may have played a game or two of feathers in my day…
A game or two?
You just made about the most difficult shot on the entire board!
Actually, that's only the second most difficult.
That's the most difficult.
Come to think of it, there might have been a dart board in that bar in Boston.
DAPHNE: Well, look at that.
It's all tied up.
Yes, who would've guessed those hands were so skilled?
Certainly no one who's sampled your corned beef hash.
I score again! [LAUGHS]
Oh, that's not something we hear out of your mouth very often.
You don't want to rush this one.
There's a lot riding on this shot.
-There is such a thing as sportsmanship. -Oh, really?
This from a woman who made armpit noises during my last round.
-Oh, sod! -Ha!
Oh, I am so sorry, Daphne.
Now all I have to do is make this relatively simple shot,
unless, of course, you'd like to concede.
Oh, that's typical American arrogance.
We Brits don't know the meaning of the word defeat.
Oh, really? Then I suppose you're not acquainted with a little spat
we refer to as the Revolutionary War.
Out of my way!
Oh, just like a Yank!
Insulting us Brits to cover up your inferiority complex.
Oh! What exactly should we feel inferior about?
Your pioneering work in the field of soccer hooliganism?
DAPHNE: Oh, say your worst!
We both know there isn't as much dignity in this entire country
as our Queen's got in her little finger.
Oh, yes, you've really bested me there.
What could be more dignified than a dowdy old sandbag
who has a flower pot on her head?
Ah! I win! The bar is mine!
Oh, well, lose the long faces, lads.
I'm staying!
Oh, good Lord, I hope you didn't take those little barbs
about the motherland seriously.
-Perhaps you'd better leave now. -Oh, no, Daphne will tell you,
there's no greater Anglophile than I.
No, really, I have all my suits made at Saville Row.
Look, I spell "color" with a U.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Hello, Niles.
Well, look who's here.
Take a wrong turn on the way to the pub?
Actually, that scene has grown tiresome, and I missed this place.
I've spoken to Daphne.
I take it it's over "over there"?
You don't have to rub it in.
Anyway, I know I owe you an apology from the other night, so, uh, well, here.
I brought you a peace offering.
"Orpheus and Eurydice." Thank you, Frasier.
[GASPS] The Glyndebourne production!
-I don't have this one! -You're going to love it!
The "Chorus of the Furies" is particularly moving,
and Janet Baker's Act Three aria…
Is quite simply the best contralto solo I've ever heard.
Oh, thank you, Frasier.
I don't have "Orpheus and Eurydice" on eight-track yet.
But I'm surprised to see you.
No woodworking club today?
Oh, to tell you the truth, I've grown tired of that crowd,
with their stupid bookends and birdhouses.
As soon as I finish shellacking my shoetrees, I'm out of there.
You got thrown out, didn't you?
-I did not! -Frasier, I can see right through you.
-What are you, a psychiatrist? -I'm not, but I can see it in your face.
-Oh, Niles, don't be ridiculous. -You got kicked out, didn't you?
Why would they throw me out?
They're going to throw you out before they throw me out…
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salad and scrambled eggs ♪
Mercy.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Yeah, maybe But I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
What is a boy to do?
Goodnight!