1 00:00:02,225 --> 00:00:03,727 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] 2 00:00:10,026 --> 00:00:11,902 -Good morning. -Frasier, your brother called. 3 00:00:11,986 --> 00:00:13,696 He said he'll be over around 7:00. 4 00:00:13,780 --> 00:00:14,614 Oh, thanks. 5 00:00:15,365 --> 00:00:18,534 -You seem awfully calm today. -Yeah, well, why shouldn't I be? 6 00:00:18,618 --> 00:00:20,744 During ratings week you're usually rather anxious. 7 00:00:20,828 --> 00:00:23,915 -Oh, my God, that starts today? -Oh, I never should have mentioned it. 8 00:00:23,999 --> 00:00:26,126 -Ten seconds. -Roz, you do this every year. 9 00:00:26,210 --> 00:00:29,212 You convince yourself we'll have a disastrous week with no good callers, 10 00:00:29,296 --> 00:00:31,131 but our listeners always come through, don't they? 11 00:00:31,215 --> 00:00:32,424 -You're on. -All right. 12 00:00:34,343 --> 00:00:36,762 Hello, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane. 13 00:00:36,846 --> 00:00:40,516 You know, I was reminded this morning of a jaunty aphorism that's credited 14 00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:42,768 to the great thinker Spinoza… 15 00:00:42,852 --> 00:00:44,229 -Oh, God. -[PHONE RINGS] 16 00:00:45,355 --> 00:00:48,065 -Frasier Crane Show, what's your problem? -WOMAN: Hi. 17 00:00:48,149 --> 00:00:51,069 Well, I'm kind of in decisive. 18 00:00:51,153 --> 00:00:53,853 Well, I'm not. Frasier Crane Show, what's your problem? 19 00:00:54,115 --> 00:00:57,242 MAN 1: Yeah, I'm thinking of changing careers. I feel kind of trapped. 20 00:00:57,326 --> 00:01:00,662 It's not a real exciting problem, but I'll see if I can get you on. Hold. 21 00:01:00,746 --> 00:01:04,125 -Frasier Crane Show, what's your problem? -MAN 2: It's sort of embarrassing. 22 00:01:04,209 --> 00:01:05,127 Amen. 23 00:01:06,420 --> 00:01:10,798 I was a bed wetter as a child, and I think the problem's coming back. 24 00:01:10,882 --> 00:01:12,050 Great. Hold, please. 25 00:01:12,801 --> 00:01:14,761 Hey, career change? I got a bed-wetter holding. 26 00:01:14,845 --> 00:01:16,179 When you say trapped, is it possible 27 00:01:16,263 --> 00:01:18,932 it's because you're a woman trapped inside a man's body? 28 00:01:19,016 --> 00:01:22,316 -MAN 1: I don't think so. -I don't think I can get you on today. 29 00:01:22,562 --> 00:01:24,229 Gee, I really wanted to talk to him. 30 00:01:24,313 --> 00:01:25,773 I guess that could be part of it. 31 00:01:25,857 --> 00:01:27,157 Good answer. Hold, please. 32 00:01:28,025 --> 00:01:30,527 Hey, bed-wetter, I got a transsexual in crisis. 33 00:01:30,611 --> 00:01:32,196 Have you wet a bed with anybody else in it? 34 00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:34,830 A hooker, a stripper, maybe your best friend's wife? 35 00:01:35,159 --> 00:01:37,744 -MAN 2: No. -Do you want to talk to the doc or not? 36 00:01:37,828 --> 00:01:40,622 Okay. I guess the third one. 37 00:01:40,706 --> 00:01:43,125 Hold, please. Hey, transsexual. 38 00:01:43,876 --> 00:01:45,276 -MAN 1: Is that me? -Yeah! 39 00:01:46,921 --> 00:01:50,383 Have you ever run for political office or considered running for political office? 40 00:01:50,467 --> 00:01:52,343 Like congressman or something? 41 00:01:52,427 --> 00:01:53,261 Perfect. 42 00:01:53,887 --> 00:01:56,722 Don't get me started on rationalistic pantheism 43 00:01:56,806 --> 00:01:58,725 or there'll go the whole three hours. 44 00:01:59,893 --> 00:02:02,771 Anyway, I think it's time that we went to the phones. 45 00:02:02,855 --> 00:02:04,189 Roz, whom do we have? 46 00:02:04,273 --> 00:02:06,483 On line one we have a bed-wetting adulterer, 47 00:02:06,567 --> 00:02:08,652 unless you'd rather speak to Roger on line two 48 00:02:08,736 --> 00:02:10,786 who's a transsexual running for Congress. 49 00:02:14,492 --> 00:02:16,328 Go ahead, Roger, I'm listening. 50 00:02:21,333 --> 00:02:22,292 [DOOR UNLOCKING] 51 00:02:23,877 --> 00:02:27,213 Would you just explain to me why you chickened out like that? 52 00:02:27,297 --> 00:02:29,090 Well, she's younger than I am. 53 00:02:29,174 --> 00:02:31,135 She probably dates doctors and lawyers. 54 00:02:31,219 --> 00:02:32,636 She wouldn't be interested in me. 55 00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:35,264 -Who wouldn't be interested? -Oh, jeez. 56 00:02:36,557 --> 00:02:39,685 A certain someone had the chance to ask a certain someone else 57 00:02:39,769 --> 00:02:41,687 -from the building on a date. -Ah. 58 00:02:41,771 --> 00:02:44,316 -That would be Mrs. Crowley. -Oh, jeez. 59 00:02:45,108 --> 00:02:46,401 And bailed out again. 60 00:02:46,485 --> 00:02:48,528 Now, Daphne, don't be too hard on him. 61 00:02:48,612 --> 00:02:52,031 The Crane men have not enjoyed a great deal of success in the romance department. 62 00:02:52,115 --> 00:02:53,450 We're all a bit gun-shy. 63 00:02:53,534 --> 00:02:56,453 Oh, yes, gun-shy, sensitive, picky. 64 00:02:56,537 --> 00:02:58,581 -You're all full of excuses. -[PHONE RINGS] 65 00:02:58,665 --> 00:03:02,836 Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get any of you married off and out of this house. 66 00:03:05,463 --> 00:03:10,051 Hello? Why, Mrs. Crowley, we were just talking about you. 67 00:03:10,635 --> 00:03:12,304 Yes, he's here. Hold on. 68 00:03:20,271 --> 00:03:22,857 Hi. Really? 69 00:03:23,816 --> 00:03:26,277 No, I'm not busy. Dinner sounds like fun. 70 00:03:26,361 --> 00:03:30,907 A certain someone is inviting a certain someone else to dinner. 71 00:03:31,533 --> 00:03:32,992 Yes, and where would the world be 72 00:03:33,076 --> 00:03:35,787 without you Brits and your knack for code-cracking? 73 00:03:39,666 --> 00:03:42,377 Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, I'd love to. Thanks. 74 00:03:42,461 --> 00:03:44,714 And thanks for asking me. Yeah, bye. 75 00:03:45,715 --> 00:03:47,925 She's invited me to her place tomorrow night. 76 00:03:48,593 --> 00:03:51,971 Guess my little "hard-to-get" plan really paid off. 77 00:03:52,513 --> 00:03:56,726 Yes, you should really write a book, How to Get a Date in Two Easy Years. 78 00:03:56,810 --> 00:03:58,604 [FRASIER LAUGHING] 79 00:03:59,521 --> 00:04:00,814 Oh, hello, Niles. 80 00:04:00,898 --> 00:04:02,023 -Frasier. -MARTIN: Hey, Niles. 81 00:04:02,107 --> 00:04:03,858 -Dad. Hey, Daphne. -What you got there? 82 00:04:03,942 --> 00:04:05,652 Oh, just some patient files. 83 00:04:05,736 --> 00:04:07,987 Frasier's helping me with my couples' group tomorrow. 84 00:04:08,071 --> 00:04:10,407 Your father's starting his own group tomorrow night. 85 00:04:10,491 --> 00:04:11,659 Oh, Mrs. Crowley? 86 00:04:11,743 --> 00:04:13,036 Oh, jeez… 87 00:04:14,913 --> 00:04:16,289 Oh, it's ironic, isn't it? 88 00:04:16,789 --> 00:04:18,999 Dad's doing better in that department. 89 00:04:19,083 --> 00:04:21,585 Not true. That's really what I wanted to tell you. 90 00:04:21,669 --> 00:04:24,548 Maris and I are back on the expressway to love. 91 00:04:24,632 --> 00:04:27,259 Well, if not the expressway, at least the on-ramp. 92 00:04:29,386 --> 00:04:32,556 And I owe it all to the best psychiatrist I have ever known. 93 00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:33,723 That's very flattering. 94 00:04:33,807 --> 00:04:36,852 Dr. Bernard Schenkman, our new marriage counselor, 95 00:04:36,936 --> 00:04:40,314 and he's nothing short of a wizard. And Maris is as thrilled with him as I am. 96 00:04:40,398 --> 00:04:43,359 It's as if he's discovered the magic elixir 97 00:04:43,443 --> 00:04:45,528 to repair the shattered fragments of her psyche. 98 00:04:45,612 --> 00:04:49,462 -I don't know exactly what to call it. -The words "crazy glue" leap to mind. 99 00:04:52,787 --> 00:04:54,746 Dr. Schenkman's helped me enormously too. 100 00:04:54,830 --> 00:04:57,207 He immediately pinpointed my primary failing. 101 00:04:57,291 --> 00:05:00,002 -Which is? -Well, I'm… I'm too predictable. 102 00:05:00,086 --> 00:05:02,129 I don't know if I'd count that as a failing. 103 00:05:02,213 --> 00:05:04,590 Well, I do, and more important, so does Maris. 104 00:05:04,674 --> 00:05:06,342 But I'm going to do something about it. 105 00:05:06,426 --> 00:05:10,179 In half an hour I'm going to show Maris spontaneity beyond her wildest dreams. 106 00:05:10,263 --> 00:05:12,599 I thought we were going to prepare for your workshop. 107 00:05:12,683 --> 00:05:15,310 You have to look over the files yourself. Every Friday evening, 108 00:05:15,394 --> 00:05:18,396 Maris spends an hour meditating in her spirituality gardens. 109 00:05:18,480 --> 00:05:21,109 Invariably she comes inside randy as a stoat. 110 00:05:23,111 --> 00:05:27,281 Well, tonight she's going to find me waiting in her bed as randy as a… 111 00:05:27,365 --> 00:05:28,282 Another stoat. 112 00:05:33,705 --> 00:05:36,333 Gee, Niles, I wonder if that's a good idea. 113 00:05:36,417 --> 00:05:40,545 Frasier, I know you mean well, and I love you and respect you, 114 00:05:40,629 --> 00:05:42,422 so don't take offense when I point out that 115 00:05:42,506 --> 00:05:44,049 with your track record in relationships, 116 00:05:44,133 --> 00:05:46,383 you're the last person who should give advice. 117 00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:49,055 -Fair enough. -Oh, and do look over the files. 118 00:05:49,139 --> 00:05:50,974 Those couples really need our help. 119 00:07:01,549 --> 00:07:03,384 Hello, Maris! 120 00:07:04,302 --> 00:07:05,345 [GIGGLING] 121 00:07:40,298 --> 00:07:42,051 [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING OVER STEREO] 122 00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:37,359 BOTH: Maris? 123 00:08:37,443 --> 00:08:38,528 [BOTH SHOUTING] 124 00:08:40,906 --> 00:08:41,990 [BOTH SHOUTING] 125 00:08:45,327 --> 00:08:47,411 -Dr. Schenkman. -Niles! 126 00:08:47,495 --> 00:08:51,666 -What the hell's going on? -Well, it's not what it looks like. 127 00:08:53,336 --> 00:08:54,670 What am I saying? 128 00:08:56,339 --> 00:08:57,756 Bear with me. I'm sorry. 129 00:08:57,840 --> 00:09:00,717 -I'm feeling a little stressed. -[MUSIC STOPS] 130 00:09:00,801 --> 00:09:02,010 You're feeling stressed? 131 00:09:02,094 --> 00:09:04,263 Put yourself in my place. 132 00:09:04,347 --> 00:09:05,473 I very nearly did. 133 00:09:08,685 --> 00:09:11,980 I'm stunned. How long has this been going on? 134 00:09:12,064 --> 00:09:13,065 Two weeks. 135 00:09:13,649 --> 00:09:17,444 Maris and I were waiting to tell you when I felt that you were ready. 136 00:09:18,445 --> 00:09:19,571 That's despicable. 137 00:09:19,655 --> 00:09:20,488 It's unethical. 138 00:09:20,572 --> 00:09:22,992 It's… Are those my pajamas? 139 00:09:24,035 --> 00:09:26,871 Could be. They bind a little in the crotch. 140 00:09:27,914 --> 00:09:34,795 Listen, whatever anger you're feeling can't begin to approach my guilt. 141 00:09:34,879 --> 00:09:37,299 -Oh, don't bet on it. -Good, that's good. 142 00:09:37,383 --> 00:09:38,550 Vent that rage. 143 00:09:38,634 --> 00:09:40,135 You have every right to. 144 00:09:40,219 --> 00:09:42,721 You're sleeping with my wife and you're giving me permission to angry? 145 00:09:42,805 --> 00:09:44,598 -Furious. Livid. -Uh-huh. Ah. 146 00:09:44,682 --> 00:09:47,434 Yes, you're dealing with it very well, by the way. Oh. 147 00:09:47,893 --> 00:09:49,353 -I don't suppose you'd care? -No! 148 00:09:49,437 --> 00:09:52,648 Do you realize you could lose your license for having an affair with a patient? 149 00:09:52,732 --> 00:09:57,654 Yes, and I deserve to, but it was a risk worth taking because of love. 150 00:09:58,196 --> 00:09:59,030 Oh. 151 00:09:59,990 --> 00:10:00,907 Oh. 152 00:10:03,285 --> 00:10:04,745 I love her, Niles. 153 00:10:05,496 --> 00:10:12,044 I've never known a woman so warm, so nurturing, so unselfish. 154 00:10:16,882 --> 00:10:19,636 Is it possible this is all a case of mistaken identity? 155 00:10:21,138 --> 00:10:22,972 Thanks to our sessions, 156 00:10:23,056 --> 00:10:27,810 Maris has been unafraid to show me the real woman inside. 157 00:10:27,894 --> 00:10:29,604 Damn you. I trusted you. 158 00:10:29,688 --> 00:10:31,606 Because you were supposed to be helping us. 159 00:10:31,690 --> 00:10:33,484 And I liked you, too, you bastard. 160 00:10:34,068 --> 00:10:37,905 You betrayed my confidence and my friendship, and you seduced my wife. 161 00:10:37,989 --> 00:10:41,743 Wow, there's a lot of new issues here, aren't there? 162 00:10:43,536 --> 00:10:46,415 Think maybe we should kick it up to three sessions a week? 163 00:10:47,124 --> 00:10:49,918 No, no, hey, Niles! 164 00:10:52,838 --> 00:10:54,089 You are 20 minutes late. 165 00:10:54,173 --> 00:10:56,050 -Sorry. -Sorry? 166 00:10:56,675 --> 00:10:57,842 This is your group. 167 00:10:57,926 --> 00:11:00,304 I've been making small talk with these people for 20 minutes. 168 00:11:00,388 --> 00:11:02,890 You know what that's like for people who have a problem communicating? 169 00:11:02,974 --> 00:11:04,142 It's tiny talk. 170 00:11:06,227 --> 00:11:09,230 I just have a lot on my mind right now which I don't care to discuss, 171 00:11:09,314 --> 00:11:13,114 so let's just begin and, you know what, maybe you should take the lead. Okay? 172 00:11:13,610 --> 00:11:14,445 Very well. 173 00:11:16,447 --> 00:11:17,323 Evening, all. 174 00:11:17,907 --> 00:11:19,574 Sorry I'm late. My fault. 175 00:11:19,658 --> 00:11:22,058 If I know these people, they won't hold a grudge. 176 00:11:22,995 --> 00:11:25,795 I feel as though I do know a great deal about this group. 177 00:11:26,832 --> 00:11:31,046 I've spent a good deal of time pouring over your case histories. 178 00:11:32,339 --> 00:11:35,049 So let's begin. 179 00:11:35,133 --> 00:11:36,093 Mrs. Buddinger, 180 00:11:36,802 --> 00:11:39,596 -I see that you're here alone. -Yes. 181 00:11:40,138 --> 00:11:41,848 There some reason why Dan couldn't join? 182 00:11:41,932 --> 00:11:44,477 No, he's just stubborn sometimes. 183 00:11:45,353 --> 00:11:47,771 He says he doesn't trust psychiatrists. 184 00:11:47,855 --> 00:11:48,981 [CHUCKLING] 185 00:11:49,065 --> 00:11:49,899 Well… 186 00:11:56,739 --> 00:11:58,783 Maybe he's got good reason not to. 187 00:11:58,867 --> 00:12:00,035 Excuse me? 188 00:12:00,119 --> 00:12:02,662 Oh, I think I see what your brother's doing here. 189 00:12:02,746 --> 00:12:04,247 Sometimes we role play 190 00:12:04,331 --> 00:12:07,334 and I think he's just saying what my husband might say. 191 00:12:07,418 --> 00:12:09,794 Sounds promising. Why don't we proceed? 192 00:12:09,878 --> 00:12:13,550 Janice, how would you respond to what your husband has just said? 193 00:12:14,968 --> 00:12:15,802 Well, okay. 194 00:12:17,512 --> 00:12:21,349 You know, Dan, I don't think that it's psychiatrists that you mistrust. 195 00:12:21,433 --> 00:12:22,308 I think it's me. 196 00:12:23,685 --> 00:12:26,104 Why are you so suspicious lately? 197 00:12:26,188 --> 00:12:28,691 Oh, I think you know very well. 198 00:12:35,072 --> 00:12:38,492 A couple of harmless flirtations at parties? Everyone does that. 199 00:12:38,576 --> 00:12:42,539 Did you ever stop to consider how those flirtations might make me feel? 200 00:12:43,123 --> 00:12:46,084 He's empathizing with the husband. We call this empathizing. 201 00:12:46,835 --> 00:12:48,378 Well, what about you? 202 00:12:48,462 --> 00:12:51,262 Are you gonna tell me you've never even looked at anyone? 203 00:12:51,590 --> 00:12:53,675 Don't you dare bring her into this. 204 00:12:55,887 --> 00:12:58,347 She is clean and pure and decent. 205 00:12:58,431 --> 00:13:01,684 Sometimes empathizing involves a bit of dramatic license. 206 00:13:02,393 --> 00:13:04,395 At least I've always been faithful to you. 207 00:13:04,479 --> 00:13:06,814 I've always been faithful to you. 208 00:13:06,898 --> 00:13:11,403 I wanted to believe that more than anything in the world, but now, now… 209 00:13:13,489 --> 00:13:15,741 I don't see how I possibly can. 210 00:13:16,742 --> 00:13:20,245 Did I mention my brother's one of the greatest empathizers in the business? 211 00:13:20,329 --> 00:13:23,917 Now I just want to die! 212 00:13:27,086 --> 00:13:30,297 Perhaps now would be a good time to take our 15-minute break. 213 00:13:30,381 --> 00:13:34,510 Why don't we? We've made quite a catharsis here. 214 00:13:34,594 --> 00:13:37,556 Traditionally it is the patients who make the breakthroughs, 215 00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:41,059 but we mustn't be sticklers. All right, thank you very much. 216 00:13:41,143 --> 00:13:41,977 All right, Janice. 217 00:13:42,061 --> 00:13:44,938 You know, Dan and I have never cheated on each other. 218 00:13:45,022 --> 00:13:46,940 -You've got to believe me. -I do, I do. 219 00:13:47,024 --> 00:13:51,071 Janice, and please remember, no one is here to judge anyone else's behavior. 220 00:13:51,613 --> 00:13:53,663 What the hell are you doing, you lunatic? 221 00:13:54,366 --> 00:13:56,826 Maris is having an affair with Schenkman. 222 00:13:59,037 --> 00:13:59,871 Schenkman? 223 00:14:01,915 --> 00:14:03,583 Why, the contemptible bastard. 224 00:14:04,084 --> 00:14:06,712 He was waiting at the house for her when I got there. 225 00:14:07,296 --> 00:14:08,673 I'm so sorry, Niles. 226 00:14:10,466 --> 00:14:12,816 -Is there anything I can do? -I don't see how. 227 00:14:13,261 --> 00:14:15,220 They're in love. They plan to get married. 228 00:14:15,304 --> 00:14:16,931 -He told you that? -Mm-hm. 229 00:14:17,515 --> 00:14:19,726 And she confirmed it, when she walked in. 230 00:14:20,852 --> 00:14:24,398 Once she'd stopped shrieking and we'd coaxed her down off the canopy. 231 00:14:26,441 --> 00:14:27,943 I'm just shocked. 232 00:14:30,195 --> 00:14:32,489 Things seemed to be going so well with the two of you. 233 00:14:32,573 --> 00:14:33,741 That's what I thought. 234 00:14:36,744 --> 00:14:37,579 You know… 235 00:14:39,831 --> 00:14:42,709 Maybe Maris' feelings for Dr. Schenkman aren't real. 236 00:14:43,876 --> 00:14:46,212 Maybe this is simply a case of transference. 237 00:14:46,713 --> 00:14:50,217 Well, patients often do believe that they've fallen in love. 238 00:14:50,301 --> 00:14:51,676 It's very common. It's happened. 239 00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:54,360 -I know. It's happened to me. -Oh, get out of town. 240 00:14:55,389 --> 00:14:56,598 Several times. 241 00:14:56,682 --> 00:14:58,808 I bet that's exactly what's going on here. 242 00:14:58,892 --> 00:15:01,979 -Never had a patient fall in love with me. -Schenkman's an authority figure. 243 00:15:02,063 --> 00:15:03,397 Maris is easily influenced. 244 00:15:03,481 --> 00:15:05,631 Not even that fat lady who brought me fudge. 245 00:15:06,443 --> 00:15:08,819 I'd be a fool to let her go if it's as simple as that. 246 00:15:08,903 --> 00:15:10,530 You're not thinking clearly. 247 00:15:10,614 --> 00:15:12,907 -You're just grasping at straws. -No, no, you're wrong. 248 00:15:12,991 --> 00:15:14,784 I owe it to my marriage to give this one more shot. 249 00:15:14,868 --> 00:15:18,747 -How? What more could you possibly do? -I can just talk to her alone. 250 00:15:18,831 --> 00:15:21,124 Try to make her understand what kind of mistake she's making. 251 00:15:21,208 --> 00:15:24,211 Let's just bear one thing in mind, sometimes your marriage is just bad, 252 00:15:24,295 --> 00:15:26,964 doomed, and no amount of discussion will save it. 253 00:15:32,554 --> 00:15:35,057 Well, then, shall we resume? 254 00:15:40,479 --> 00:15:42,730 FRASIER: No, Daphne, that's all right. You have fun. 255 00:15:42,814 --> 00:15:45,777 I'll, I'll be fine. Yeah. We'll see you tomorrow. Okay. 256 00:15:46,486 --> 00:15:49,488 Oh, no, Dad? No, he's not even back from his big date yet. 257 00:15:49,572 --> 00:15:51,783 Maybe I'll see him in the morning too. 258 00:15:52,492 --> 00:15:53,743 All right, right. 259 00:15:55,787 --> 00:15:59,208 Yes, yes, it is a very romantic story. Yes, yes. 260 00:15:59,958 --> 00:16:00,793 Okay, Daphne. 261 00:16:02,294 --> 00:16:05,005 Yes, yes, they do make a very cute couple. 262 00:16:05,589 --> 00:16:08,300 Anyway, right. 263 00:16:09,093 --> 00:16:13,598 Right, Daphne, yes, yes, I suppose they do owe it all to you, don't they? 264 00:16:14,099 --> 00:16:16,749 -[DOORBELL RINGS] -Oh, well, there's the door. Okay. 265 00:16:21,815 --> 00:16:24,859 Niles. I thought you were talking with Maris. 266 00:16:25,944 --> 00:16:28,906 It's over. Let her marry Schenkman. They deserve each other. 267 00:16:30,408 --> 00:16:31,701 Oh, I'm sorry, Niles. 268 00:16:32,326 --> 00:16:33,160 What happened? 269 00:16:34,662 --> 00:16:37,039 Well, I reached the front gate, 270 00:16:37,123 --> 00:16:40,375 and I was just about to ring the doorbell to ask her to let me in 271 00:16:40,459 --> 00:16:44,714 when it suddenly dawned on me how many hours I have spent pleading 272 00:16:44,798 --> 00:16:47,342 with that woman through gates, through windows, 273 00:16:47,426 --> 00:16:50,220 through keyholes and through transoms and… 274 00:16:51,388 --> 00:16:53,807 In one disastrous instance, through the pet door. 275 00:16:55,393 --> 00:16:58,354 Yes, I remember dabbing Bactine on those Chihuahua bites. 276 00:16:59,981 --> 00:17:02,150 Well, I decided no more. 277 00:17:02,650 --> 00:17:06,320 I actually looked up at the house and said, "Goodbye, Maris. 278 00:17:08,573 --> 00:17:10,159 "I hope you have a happy life," 279 00:17:11,243 --> 00:17:13,703 but I don't have to take any more of your crap ever again." 280 00:17:13,787 --> 00:17:15,787 And I turned on my heel and walked away. 281 00:17:16,999 --> 00:17:18,709 That's a courageous decision. 282 00:17:20,627 --> 00:17:21,503 How do you feel? 283 00:17:22,629 --> 00:17:23,923 Not bad, surprisingly. 284 00:17:25,008 --> 00:17:27,108 I'm glad I went over. I needed the closure. 285 00:17:28,303 --> 00:17:32,303 Now that it's over, I feel a little sad, of course, but also strangely liberated. 286 00:17:33,850 --> 00:17:34,893 Well… 287 00:17:36,436 --> 00:17:37,772 I'm very proud of you. 288 00:17:43,611 --> 00:17:47,280 Oh, Dad. [CHUCKLES] You're back. 289 00:17:47,364 --> 00:17:49,449 How did things go with Mrs. Crowley? 290 00:17:49,533 --> 00:17:50,617 Oh, great. 291 00:17:50,701 --> 00:17:51,535 Fabulous. 292 00:17:52,412 --> 00:17:54,998 Right up to the time she introduced me to my date. 293 00:17:56,583 --> 00:17:58,633 -I thought she was your date. -So did I. 294 00:17:58,877 --> 00:18:00,527 Turns out my date was her mother. 295 00:18:02,714 --> 00:18:03,924 Eighty-six years young. 296 00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:08,345 I guess there was a little miscommunication when she invited me. 297 00:18:08,429 --> 00:18:10,223 Gee, I'm almost afraid to ask this. 298 00:18:11,682 --> 00:18:12,517 How was Mom? 299 00:18:15,102 --> 00:18:16,937 -Well, she was very nice. -Mm-hm. 300 00:18:17,021 --> 00:18:17,855 Sleepy. 301 00:18:20,776 --> 00:18:21,901 But she smiled a lot. 302 00:18:21,985 --> 00:18:24,279 Showed me pictures of her great-grandchildren. 303 00:18:24,363 --> 00:18:25,739 She couldn't remember any names, 304 00:18:25,823 --> 00:18:28,116 but what the hell, she couldn't remember mine. 305 00:18:29,159 --> 00:18:32,078 I think we could all use a little something from the bar. 306 00:18:32,162 --> 00:18:34,206 Well, I could use a big something. 307 00:18:35,041 --> 00:18:36,876 It hasn't been a good day all around. 308 00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:40,797 Yeah, Dad, Maris and I have split up for good. 309 00:18:41,548 --> 00:18:43,549 Oh, I'm sorry. 310 00:18:43,633 --> 00:18:45,634 Yeah, she's in love with someone else. 311 00:18:45,718 --> 00:18:47,511 Niles, are you all right? 312 00:18:47,595 --> 00:18:48,429 I will be. 313 00:18:49,181 --> 00:18:53,435 Well, this may come as small consolation to you, 314 00:18:53,519 --> 00:18:56,105 but I believe… 315 00:18:57,439 --> 00:18:59,691 That you each have a lot of work to do to catch up 316 00:18:59,775 --> 00:19:01,735 to me in the failed romance department. 317 00:19:03,154 --> 00:19:07,200 Divorced twice, left at the altar once. 318 00:19:16,209 --> 00:19:20,464 Well, I haven't exactly been burning things up lately. 319 00:19:20,548 --> 00:19:21,424 Thank you, Dad. 320 00:19:22,258 --> 00:19:26,387 Things with Sherry fizzled, then Sleeping Beauty tonight. 321 00:19:28,681 --> 00:19:32,102 -I think maybe I deserve the booby prize. -Oh, I don't know. 322 00:19:35,314 --> 00:19:36,356 I'll challenge you. 323 00:19:38,775 --> 00:19:41,904 Fifteen years with Maris, I end up in bed with her lover. 324 00:19:48,620 --> 00:19:50,788 Jeez, I didn't need to hear that. 325 00:19:50,872 --> 00:19:53,541 No, no, no, it was an accident. 326 00:19:53,625 --> 00:19:55,376 It was pitch dark. I thought he was Maris. 327 00:19:55,460 --> 00:19:56,961 Mm. It's a natural mistake. 328 00:19:58,671 --> 00:19:59,965 Uh, what tipped you off? 329 00:20:00,049 --> 00:20:01,967 The heat from her side of the bed. 330 00:20:08,766 --> 00:20:12,144 Well, I think we have a three-way tie. 331 00:20:13,562 --> 00:20:16,942 Here's to the Crane boys, love's big losers. 332 00:20:21,947 --> 00:20:24,657 You know, I said I needed closure. 333 00:20:24,741 --> 00:20:27,326 I won't have it until I do one more thing. 334 00:20:27,410 --> 00:20:30,038 Now be careful, Niles. From this height that can hurt somebody. 335 00:20:30,122 --> 00:20:31,707 All… All clear. 336 00:20:34,001 --> 00:20:35,086 Goodbye, Maris! 337 00:20:35,962 --> 00:20:37,672 You hurt me for the last time. 338 00:20:38,839 --> 00:20:41,589 MARTIN: Niles, is that your Mercedes parked down there? 339 00:20:44,429 --> 00:20:47,933 Oh, well, good body shop will be able to pound that out. 340 00:20:53,063 --> 00:20:54,398 Well, it's Saturday night. 341 00:20:56,442 --> 00:20:57,276 Here we are… 342 00:20:58,611 --> 00:20:59,445 Again. 343 00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:04,367 Wonder how many women are out there tonight without a date. 344 00:21:04,742 --> 00:21:05,576 Thousands. 345 00:21:06,369 --> 00:21:09,414 Thousands of opportunities for us to humiliate ourselves. 346 00:21:10,916 --> 00:21:12,918 Well, come and get us, Seattle. 347 00:21:14,169 --> 00:21:16,004 Three Cranes, no waiting. 348 00:21:16,088 --> 00:21:17,172 We're desperate. 349 00:21:17,965 --> 00:21:19,258 We're ludicrous. 350 00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:20,926 We're pathetic. 351 00:21:37,318 --> 00:21:38,402 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] 352 00:21:38,486 --> 00:21:40,984 ♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪ 353 00:21:41,068 --> 00:21:43,241 ♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪ 354 00:21:43,325 --> 00:21:44,285 Oh, my. 355 00:21:45,369 --> 00:21:47,788 ♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪ 356 00:21:47,872 --> 00:21:49,832 ♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪ 357 00:21:50,416 --> 00:21:52,376 Ha, ha, ha, ha! 358 00:21:52,460 --> 00:21:54,045 ♪ But I don't know what to do ♪ 359 00:21:54,129 --> 00:21:57,382 ♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪ 360 00:21:58,467 --> 00:22:00,427 ♪ They're callin' again ♪ 361 00:22:01,219 --> 00:22:02,095 Good night!