[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
-Good morning. -Frasier, your brother called.
He said he'll be over around 7:00.
Oh, thanks.
-You seem awfully calm today. -Yeah, well, why shouldn't I be?
During ratings week you're usually rather anxious.
-Oh, my God, that starts today? -Oh, I never should have mentioned it.
-Ten seconds. -Roz, you do this every year.
You convince yourself we'll have a disastrous week with no good callers,
but our listeners always come through, don't they?
-You're on. -All right.
Hello, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane.
You know, I was reminded this morning of a jaunty aphorism that's credited
to the great thinker Spinoza…
-Oh, God. -[PHONE RINGS]
-Frasier Crane Show, what's your problem? -WOMAN: Hi.
Well, I'm kind of in decisive.
Well, I'm not. Frasier Crane Show, what's your problem?
MAN 1: Yeah, I'm thinking of changing careers. I feel kind of trapped.
It's not a real exciting problem, but I'll see if I can get you on. Hold.
-Frasier Crane Show, what's your problem? -MAN 2: It's sort of embarrassing.
Amen.
I was a bed wetter as a child, and I think the problem's coming back.
Great. Hold, please.
Hey, career change? I got a bed-wetter holding.
When you say trapped, is it possible
it's because you're a woman trapped inside a man's body?
-MAN 1: I don't think so. -I don't think I can get you on today.
Gee, I really wanted to talk to him.
I guess that could be part of it.
Good answer. Hold, please.
Hey, bed-wetter, I got a transsexual in crisis.
Have you wet a bed with anybody else in it?
A hooker, a stripper, maybe your best friend's wife?
-MAN 2: No. -Do you want to talk to the doc or not?
Okay. I guess the third one.
Hold, please. Hey, transsexual.
-MAN 1: Is that me? -Yeah!
Have you ever run for political office or considered running for political office?
Like congressman or something?
Perfect.
Don't get me started on rationalistic pantheism
or there'll go the whole three hours.
Anyway, I think it's time that we went to the phones.
Roz, whom do we have?
On line one we have a bed-wetting adulterer,
unless you'd rather speak to Roger on line two
who's a transsexual running for Congress.
Go ahead, Roger, I'm listening.
[DOOR UNLOCKING]
Would you just explain to me why you chickened out like that?
Well, she's younger than I am.
She probably dates doctors and lawyers.
She wouldn't be interested in me.
-Who wouldn't be interested? -Oh, jeez.
A certain someone had the chance to ask a certain someone else
-from the building on a date. -Ah.
-That would be Mrs. Crowley. -Oh, jeez.
And bailed out again.
Now, Daphne, don't be too hard on him.
The Crane men have not enjoyed a great deal of success in the romance department.
We're all a bit gun-shy.
Oh, yes, gun-shy, sensitive, picky.
-You're all full of excuses. -[PHONE RINGS]
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get any of you married off and out of this house.
Hello? Why, Mrs. Crowley, we were just talking about you.
Yes, he's here. Hold on.
Hi. Really?
No, I'm not busy. Dinner sounds like fun.
A certain someone is inviting a certain someone else to dinner.
Yes, and where would the world be
without you Brits and your knack for code-cracking?
Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, I'd love to. Thanks.
And thanks for asking me. Yeah, bye.
She's invited me to her place tomorrow night.
Guess my little "hard-to-get" plan really paid off.
Yes, you should really write a book, How to Get a Date in Two Easy Years.
[FRASIER LAUGHING]
Oh, hello, Niles.
-Frasier. -MARTIN: Hey, Niles.
-Dad. Hey, Daphne. -What you got there?
Oh, just some patient files.
Frasier's helping me with my couples' group tomorrow.
Your father's starting his own group tomorrow night.
Oh, Mrs. Crowley?
Oh, jeez…
Oh, it's ironic, isn't it?
Dad's doing better in that department.
Not true. That's really what I wanted to tell you.
Maris and I are back on the expressway to love.
Well, if not the expressway, at least the on-ramp.
And I owe it all to the best psychiatrist I have ever known.
That's very flattering.
Dr. Bernard Schenkman, our new marriage counselor,
and he's nothing short of a wizard. And Maris is as thrilled with him as I am.
It's as if he's discovered the magic elixir
to repair the shattered fragments of her psyche.
-I don't know exactly what to call it. -The words "crazy glue" leap to mind.
Dr. Schenkman's helped me enormously too.
He immediately pinpointed my primary failing.
-Which is? -Well, I'm… I'm too predictable.
I don't know if I'd count that as a failing.
Well, I do, and more important, so does Maris.
But I'm going to do something about it.
In half an hour I'm going to show Maris spontaneity beyond her wildest dreams.
I thought we were going to prepare for your workshop.
You have to look over the files yourself. Every Friday evening,
Maris spends an hour meditating in her spirituality gardens.
Invariably she comes inside randy as a stoat.
Well, tonight she's going to find me waiting in her bed as randy as a…
Another stoat.
Gee, Niles, I wonder if that's a good idea.
Frasier, I know you mean well, and I love you and respect you,
so don't take offense when I point out that
with your track record in relationships,
you're the last person who should give advice.
-Fair enough. -Oh, and do look over the files.
Those couples really need our help.
Hello, Maris!
[GIGGLING]
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING OVER STEREO]
BOTH: Maris?
[BOTH SHOUTING]
-Dr. Schenkman. -Niles!
-What the hell's going on? -Well, it's not what it looks like.
What am I saying?
Bear with me. I'm sorry.
-I'm feeling a little stressed. -[MUSIC STOPS]
You're feeling stressed?
Put yourself in my place.
I very nearly did.
I'm stunned. How long has this been going on?
Two weeks.
Maris and I were waiting to tell you when I felt that you were ready.
That's despicable.
It's unethical.
It's… Are those my pajamas?
Could be. They bind a little in the crotch.
Listen, whatever anger you're feeling can't begin to approach my guilt.
-Oh, don't bet on it. -Good, that's good.
Vent that rage.
You have every right to.
You're sleeping with my wife and you're giving me permission to angry?
-Furious. Livid. -Uh-huh. Ah.
Yes, you're dealing with it very well, by the way. Oh.
-I don't suppose you'd care? -No!
Do you realize you could lose your license for having an affair with a patient?
Yes, and I deserve to, but it was a risk worth taking because of love.
Oh.
I love her, Niles.
I've never known a woman so warm, so nurturing, so unselfish.
Is it possible this is all a case of mistaken identity?
Thanks to our sessions,
Maris has been unafraid to show me the real woman inside.
Damn you. I trusted you.
Because you were supposed to be helping us.
And I liked you, too, you bastard.
You betrayed my confidence and my friendship, and you seduced my wife.
Wow, there's a lot of new issues here, aren't there?
Think maybe we should kick it up to three sessions a week?
No, no, hey, Niles!
You are 20 minutes late.
-Sorry. -Sorry?
This is your group.
I've been making small talk with these people for 20 minutes.
You know what that's like for people who have a problem communicating?
It's tiny talk.
I just have a lot on my mind right now which I don't care to discuss,
so let's just begin and, you know what, maybe you should take the lead. Okay?
Very well.
Evening, all.
Sorry I'm late. My fault.
If I know these people, they won't hold a grudge.
I feel as though I do know a great deal about this group.
I've spent a good deal of time pouring over your case histories.
So let's begin.
Mrs. Buddinger,
-I see that you're here alone. -Yes.
There some reason why Dan couldn't join?
No, he's just stubborn sometimes.
He says he doesn't trust psychiatrists.
[CHUCKLING]
Well…
Maybe he's got good reason not to.
Excuse me?
Oh, I think I see what your brother's doing here.
Sometimes we role play
and I think he's just saying what my husband might say.
Sounds promising. Why don't we proceed?
Janice, how would you respond to what your husband has just said?
Well, okay.
You know, Dan, I don't think that it's psychiatrists that you mistrust.
I think it's me.
Why are you so suspicious lately?
Oh, I think you know very well.
A couple of harmless flirtations at parties? Everyone does that.
Did you ever stop to consider how those flirtations might make me feel?
He's empathizing with the husband. We call this empathizing.
Well, what about you?
Are you gonna tell me you've never even looked at anyone?
Don't you dare bring her into this.
She is clean and pure and decent.
Sometimes empathizing involves a bit of dramatic license.
At least I've always been faithful to you.
I've always been faithful to you.
I wanted to believe that more than anything in the world, but now, now…
I don't see how I possibly can.
Did I mention my brother's one of the greatest empathizers in the business?
Now I just want to die!
Perhaps now would be a good time to take our 15-minute break.
Why don't we? We've made quite a catharsis here.
Traditionally it is the patients who make the breakthroughs,
but we mustn't be sticklers. All right, thank you very much.
All right, Janice.
You know, Dan and I have never cheated on each other.
-You've got to believe me. -I do, I do.
Janice, and please remember, no one is here to judge anyone else's behavior.
What the hell are you doing, you lunatic?
Maris is having an affair with Schenkman.
Schenkman?
Why, the contemptible bastard.
He was waiting at the house for her when I got there.
I'm so sorry, Niles.
-Is there anything I can do? -I don't see how.
They're in love. They plan to get married.
-He told you that? -Mm-hm.
And she confirmed it, when she walked in.
Once she'd stopped shrieking and we'd coaxed her down off the canopy.
I'm just shocked.
Things seemed to be going so well with the two of you.
That's what I thought.
You know…
Maybe Maris' feelings for Dr. Schenkman aren't real.
Maybe this is simply a case of transference.
Well, patients often do believe that they've fallen in love.
It's very common. It's happened.
-I know. It's happened to me. -Oh, get out of town.
Several times.
I bet that's exactly what's going on here.
-Never had a patient fall in love with me. -Schenkman's an authority figure.
Maris is easily influenced.
Not even that fat lady who brought me fudge.
I'd be a fool to let her go if it's as simple as that.
You're not thinking clearly.
-You're just grasping at straws. -No, no, you're wrong.
I owe it to my marriage to give this one more shot.
-How? What more could you possibly do? -I can just talk to her alone.
Try to make her understand what kind of mistake she's making.
Let's just bear one thing in mind, sometimes your marriage is just bad,
doomed, and no amount of discussion will save it.
Well, then, shall we resume?
FRASIER: No, Daphne, that's all right. You have fun.
I'll, I'll be fine. Yeah. We'll see you tomorrow. Okay.
Oh, no, Dad? No, he's not even back from his big date yet.
Maybe I'll see him in the morning too.
All right, right.
Yes, yes, it is a very romantic story. Yes, yes.
Okay, Daphne.
Yes, yes, they do make a very cute couple.
Anyway, right.
Right, Daphne, yes, yes, I suppose they do owe it all to you, don't they?
-[DOORBELL RINGS] -Oh, well, there's the door. Okay.
Niles. I thought you were talking with Maris.
It's over. Let her marry Schenkman. They deserve each other.
Oh, I'm sorry, Niles.
What happened?
Well, I reached the front gate,
and I was just about to ring the doorbell to ask her to let me in
when it suddenly dawned on me how many hours I have spent pleading
with that woman through gates, through windows,
through keyholes and through transoms and…
In one disastrous instance, through the pet door.
Yes, I remember dabbing Bactine on those Chihuahua bites.
Well, I decided no more.
I actually looked up at the house and said, "Goodbye, Maris.
"I hope you have a happy life,"
but I don't have to take any more of your crap ever again."
And I turned on my heel and walked away.
That's a courageous decision.
How do you feel?
Not bad, surprisingly.
I'm glad I went over. I needed the closure.
Now that it's over, I feel a little sad, of course, but also strangely liberated.
Well…
I'm very proud of you.
Oh, Dad. [CHUCKLES] You're back.
How did things go with Mrs. Crowley?
Oh, great.
Fabulous.
Right up to the time she introduced me to my date.
-I thought she was your date. -So did I.
Turns out my date was her mother.
Eighty-six years young.
I guess there was a little miscommunication when she invited me.
Gee, I'm almost afraid to ask this.
How was Mom?
-Well, she was very nice. -Mm-hm.
Sleepy.
But she smiled a lot.
Showed me pictures of her great-grandchildren.
She couldn't remember any names,
but what the hell, she couldn't remember mine.
I think we could all use a little something from the bar.
Well, I could use a big something.
It hasn't been a good day all around.
Yeah, Dad, Maris and I have split up for good.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah, she's in love with someone else.
Niles, are you all right?
I will be.
Well, this may come as small consolation to you,
but I believe…
That you each have a lot of work to do to catch up
to me in the failed romance department.
Divorced twice, left at the altar once.
Well, I haven't exactly been burning things up lately.
Thank you, Dad.
Things with Sherry fizzled, then Sleeping Beauty tonight.
-I think maybe I deserve the booby prize. -Oh, I don't know.
I'll challenge you.
Fifteen years with Maris, I end up in bed with her lover.
Jeez, I didn't need to hear that.
No, no, no, it was an accident.
It was pitch dark. I thought he was Maris.
Mm. It's a natural mistake.
Uh, what tipped you off?
The heat from her side of the bed.
Well, I think we have a three-way tie.
Here's to the Crane boys, love's big losers.
You know, I said I needed closure.
I won't have it until I do one more thing.
Now be careful, Niles. From this height that can hurt somebody.
All… All clear.
Goodbye, Maris!
You hurt me for the last time.
MARTIN: Niles, is that your Mercedes parked down there?
Oh, well, good body shop will be able to pound that out.
Well, it's Saturday night.
Here we are…
Again.
Wonder how many women are out there tonight without a date.
Thousands.
Thousands of opportunities for us to humiliate ourselves.
Well, come and get us, Seattle.
Three Cranes, no waiting.
We're desperate.
We're ludicrous.
We're pathetic.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Oh, my.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Good night!