[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
FRASIER: Good afternoon, Betsy.
I'm listening.
BETSY: Hi, Dr. Crane.
My problem is that my husband wants to take me on a cruise for our anniversary.
Well, that sounds enchanting.
Yes, except I keep having this dream
where I'm in a cabin and all of a sudden I see a few drops of water,
it's starting to leak in and at first it's just a trickle.
And then it's a stream and then it's gushing, pouring water everywhere
and there's nothing in the world that I can do to stop the flow.
Well, that's a very powerful image, wouldn't you say, Roz?
Roz agrees.
Excuse me, I'm looking for Frasier Crane. They told me he'd be up here.
Lilith, it's me, Roz Doyle.
Oh, yes, Frasier's fun-loving producer.
Who's apparently having a bit too much fun loving.
I'd love to send one back at you, but I gotta pee.
FRASIER: That's all the time we have for today.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you a good day and good mental…
[SCREAMS]
I'm sorry.
Someone just walked in the room and frightened me.
It's my ex-wife, so if you're a regular listener,
you'll know what I'm talking about.
We'll see you Monday.
Oh.
Hello, Lilith.
Surprise.
Yes, we're a little past that now, aren't we?
Well, what brings you to Seattle?
I'm here for the National Conference on Self-Psychology.
Ah. And how is Frederick?
Fine.
-We have an amazing child. -Yes, we have.
And Brian?
Fine.
I have an amazing husband.
Yes, yes.
So did you two get the gift basket I sent you for the holidays?
[SOBBING]
-What did you do to her? -Nothing. I sent her a gift basket.
Fruits and festive nuts.
No, it's not the basket, you nit.
It's Brian.
He left me.
Maybe I should go.
Oh, no, everyone else knows it.
You might as well know it too.
Brian was looking for someone a bit more… feminine.
And he found him.
Oh, Stan Jablonsky, that little hussy.
Oh, Lilith, oh, I am genuinely sorry.
I didn't know where to turn but I knew somehow you would be here for me.
So you didn't come for the conference?
-No. -Oh, yes.
You know, you really shouldn't be alone tonight.
Niles and I are attending a reception at the Union Club.
Would you like to join us?
Oh, thank you, Frasier.
I'd love to.
I don't know if I deserve your compassion
but I feel better already just holding your strong, comforting hands.
Oh.
You know, I'll always be here for you.
Oh, I could stay in these arms all day.
Uh…
Yes, well, you'll have to excuse me.
I have an appointment.
Station manager.
Very important. Can't be broken.
I'll see you tonight.
Bye-bye.
Hey.
That's rough, leaving you for another man.
-Did you have any idea? -No, none at all.
Stan was a contractor we'd hired to expand our master bedroom.
It's ironic, isn't it?
No sooner do I get the closet of my dreams than my husband comes out of it.
-FRASIER: Oh, hello, Niles. -Oh, Frasier.
Well, that bun looks good.
-Now, now, remember your diet. -Oh, yeah.
Speaking of buns I could do without, Lilith is back.
Oh, that explains why blood was pouring from all my faucets this morning.
Well, go easy on her.
Her husband has left her.
And get this, for a man.
Damn! I owe Dad $5.
Well, poor thing. I mean, she's obviously devastated.
Her entire world's been turned upside down.
But look who I'm talking to.
No one knows better than you how a messy divorce can leave one…
[NILES SNORING]
Strangely relaxed.
Niles?
-Niles! -Yes.
Am I boring you?
Did I do it again?
I'm sorry, Frasier.
It seems I'm suffering through a bout of narcolepsy.
Good Lord!
When did this start?
Right after we started divorce proceedings.
I checked with my doctor. I'm fine.
It's a reaction to stress.
It's my way of escaping the frustration of the whole ugly mess.
I'm terribly sorry. Go on with what you were saying.
Well, well, obviously Lilith is distraught
and she's come to me to help her make sense of the whole thing.
But I find it just a bit disconcerting.
-How so? -Well, we have a destructive pattern.
Whenever she comes to me in need, I find her vulnerability highly desirable.
Against my better judgment, we end up in bed
and I'm left with feelings of regret.
And you felt this way about her today?
Oh, baby.
Well, do your best to avoid her.
Well, I can't. She's joining us at the Union Club tonight.
What? She's going to be there?
Come on, Niles, it's just a bunch of stuffed shirts talking
about their portfolios and prostates.
-[CELL PHONE RINGS] -Exactly and you've ruined it.
Excuse me.
Yes?
Damn!
-It's one of Maris' cadre of lawyers. -Mm.
Uh, we've been over that.
No, I can't.
How dare you!
She already has the house.
I'm not even allowed to visit the koi pond.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
[SNORING]
-Niles! -I'm not even allowed
-to visit the koi pond. -Oh, here, give me that!
He will call you back.
Aren't we a pair?
A narcoleptic and a weak-willed sexual obsessive.
We look like a couple of brothers out of an O'Neill play.
Come on, boy, come on.
Hey, Daph, come down here. I taught him a new trick.
Oh, I love animal tricks.
I was reading in a movie magazine,
there's this stunt dog that they taught to ride a motorcycle into a burning building,
pick up a baby in its teeth and jump out the window to safety.
What'd you teach Eddie?
To roll over.
You must be very proud.
-[DOORBELL RINGS] -Forget it, Eddie.
-Oh, hey, Niles. -Evening, Dad.
-Daphne. -FRASIER: hello, Niles.
Sherry? I think we have time before Lilith arrives.
What? You never said she was coming up here!
-You just said you were going to dinner. -You never said she was coming up here!
It's just to rendezvous. It's all of two minutes.
You never told me! You've been home an hour.
You never told me! Did he say anything to you?
No, nothing. You could've told us. We could've made plans to be elsewhere.
How come you didn't know? You used to know these things.
You usually get a headache.
All right, she's coming!
Both of you, suck it up!
Lilith has had a devastating week.
Her husband has left her.
The least you can do is show a little compassion,
unless you'd like to go hide in your rooms
because two minutes of polite conversation with a woman in need is too much to ask.
-[DOORBELL RINGS] -Out of my way!
Me too!
Leave it!
Remember, Frasier, I'm here for you if you feel yourself starting to weaken.
I'm fine.
Believe me, I am in complete control.
Oh, baby.
Thank you, Frasier. I needed that.
I treated myself to a little shopping this afternoon.
Probably just a pathetic attempt to compensate
for the battering my ego's taken recently.
It's pretty transparent, huh?
-No but if you stand in the light… -Frasier.
Niles, sorry to hear your marriage ended in a shambles.
Ditto.
Now that we've got the pleasantries out of the way, let me take your wrap.
Thank you.
Yowza!
Oh, Lilith, that dress is stunning.
-Frasier, may I see you in the kitchen? -No!
It's from a new couture line called Encore.
Oh, well, bravo!
I can almost feel the curtain rising.
Frasier!
Excuse us, we'll be right back.
Eddie will entertain you.
Hello, Eddie.
Damn her lily-white hide!
She knows what she's doing dressing like that!
The woman plays me like a lute. Well, I guess you know a thing or two about that.
My God, look at me, I've got all the resistance of a horny stag.
Niles, you've gotta help me through this. Niles?
Did I do it again?
Yes. You fell asleep with your cheek right against the ice tray.
That's so strange. I dreamt I was tangoing with Maris.
Niles, I need your help resisting Lilith.
All right, let me think, let me think.
-I think I have the answer. -Thank you.
When you feel yourself yielding to her, summon an image
so repellent, you'll be incapable of any sexual desire.
Remember the summer we were at Uncle Henry's farm,
we found that dead horse lying in the hot sun, crawling with maggots?
Yes, yes, of course.
Hold on to that picture. You can ride that horse to safety.
Thank you, Niles. You know that might just do the trick.
When it comes to an ugly image, you can't beat a dead horse.
-All right, feel up to facing her again? -Yes.
Let her bat her eyes all she wants to.
She can push her breasts up to Canada! I won't budge!
Morning.
-[GASPS] -My God.
What did we do? What did we do?
Well, first you put your…
I know what we did. What do we do now?
Let's try to stay calm.
These things happen.
They happen every day.
Every day in Arkansas!
Frasier is going to kill us!
Oh, why did you have to look so damned bewitching all evening?
Why'd you have to drive me home and walk me to my door?
Oh, there's no point in pointing fingers.
We both know why this happened.
Last night was simply two wounded people overcome with loneliness
-and confusion and… -Tequila shooters.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Who's that?
Don't panic. No one knows we're here.
I told Frasier I was driving you home.
Why did you do a stupid thing like that?
Well, it wasn't stupid at the time!
How did I know the minute we got here
you'd be on me like a hawk on a titmouse?
-[KNOCKING ON DOOR] -Just be quiet.
-[CLEARS THROAT] Who is it? -MAN: Room service, ma'am.
Oh, that's right.
We ordered breakfast last night.
Good morning, ma'am.
Good morning, sir.
I have Eggs Benedict and Eggs Florentine.
Oh, did you bring ketchup?
Oh, no. I'm sorry. Let me get that for you right now.
Ketchup on Eggs Florentine?
Oh, your first breakfast together?
Just get it.
Now I remember ordering this.
It's the breakfast I always have after a night of passion.
Eggs Benedict?
That's very rich.
I only have it once a year.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
That was quick.
-FRASIER: Lilith, are you awake? -It's Frasier!
Oh, my God!
-Just a second. -What do we do?
Hide in the bathroom.
No, not you!
Wait a minute! Wait.
Take the cart with you.
-Wait! Food in the bathroom? -Go!
FRASIER: Lilith?
Hello, Frasier.
What are you doing here?
Surrendering, Lilith. I'm yours.
-Oh, no, Frasier. -Oh, please, please, don't punish me
for playing hard-to-get last night. It was everything I had to resist you.
-Well, this isn't right. -Oh, who cares?
Can you honestly tell me that when you were lying in your bed last night,
-you weren't thinking about me? -Yes.
Oh, drop the mask, Lilith.
We both know why you came to Seattle.
We both know why you dressed so enticingly last night.
[TOILET FLUSHING]
-Is someone in your bathroom? -No.
It's a defective toilet.
It's been doing that all night.
I think I'll just go check it right now.
-Niles! -Yes?
You fell asleep and flushed the toilet.
Damn! Is he still here?
Yes. He wants to make love to me.
Does the man have no scruples?
He specifically asked me last night to keep him away from you
but the minute my back is turned, he sneaks back here
and, yes, I'm aware of the irony.
I'll just ask him to leave.
My God.
My goddess!
-[KNOCKING ON DOOR] -MAN: Room service.
Go away.
MAN: No, I have your ketchup, ma'am.
Not necessary.
MAN: But I need the bill.
-Later! -Well, let's just take care of this.
I'm sorry to disturb you. Here's the… ketchup.
Sorry it took so long.
Uh, I still need the bill.
Where's the cart?
In the bathroom.
Why is the breakfast cart in the bathroom?
Uh, I was going to take a hot bath while I ate.
Still, food in the bathroom.
Be right back.
-Well, this is a little embarrassing. -Yes.
My ex-wife. We're sort of reconnecting.
Yes, sir, that's, uh, wonderful.
Who knows? It may just work out this time.
Okay.
There you go.
There's a generous, generous tip in there for you.
-Thank you, ma'am. -Say, listen, while you're still here,
why don't you send up an order of Eggs Benedict?
No reason why she should eat alone.
Okay.
Now, where were we?
This isn't a good time for this, really.
Why not, Lilith? Please, we're alone.
We're here. You need your Frasier.
[METAL CLANGING]
What the hell was that?
Wait, Frasier, no, don't go in there! Wait!
-Niles! -Yes?
My God!
-Frasier, I'm sorry. -Frasier, it was a mistake.
-Oh, my God! -It was a terrible, misguided mistake.
Stop it, Niles! Stop it! Don't tell me how it was!
-I've just gotta get out of here! -Oh, Frasier, you…
This is my worst nightmare.
You have egg on your face.
-That is an understatement! -No, actual egg.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
It's in your hair too.
-I knew you couldn't stay mad at us. -I'm in a bathrobe, you jackass!
I can understand your shock and, believe me,
if I could erase everything that happened last night, I would.
But if you could just look at this rationally, just for a moment,
we didn't technically do anything wrong.
What?
You didn't do anything wrong?
I'm a little unclear on that myself but I'm willing to go along with it.
You are I are no longer married.
Neither is Niles.
I won't say this is my shining hour but we are not responsible
to you or anyone else for our actions.
-You're actually defending what you did? -Just listen.
The past few days have been the worst of my life.
I have never been less self-assured, more in need of validation,
both as a person and especially as a woman.
Niles was feeling the same thing.
Exactly. Wait a minute.
Our physical reaction to each other was nothing more
than a desperate attempt to reaffirm our own worth.
Well, that is very impressive, Dr. Sternin.
But I, too, happen to be a psychiatrist.
Let me tell you what actually transpired.
This was a passive-aggressive manifestation
of your deep resentments toward me.
Niles, you were punishing me for my notoriety.
You, for my successful adjustment after our divorce.
It is this shared bond
that brought the two of you to your palace of sweet revenge.
Allow me to rebut, what a crock!
-It is not! -It is so!
This is yet another example of your complete self-absorption
which is the reason we could not stay together in the first place.
I have a right to… Why am I defending myself?
If you ask me, you are both off the mark.
Last night was about two people ruled by very powerful superegos,
tortured by them, who found a chance,
however misguided, to break through and rediscover their ids together.
Call me an old softy, but that's how I see it.
Okay, then.
The three of us have certainly analyzed the crap out of this.
Yes, where do we all go from here?
I don't know.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
That's my cell phone.
It's in my jacket pocket.
Hello, Niles Crane.
You realize, if you had simply given in to me last night instead of this morning,
the three of us would not be in this hell.
No, it would be the two of us in a whole different hell.
Well, I don't give a damn!
I've been manipulated by you jackals enough.
I'll see you in court!
The very idea that Maris still thinks she can…
Hey, I'm not sleeping.
That conversation should have put me out like a light.
LILITH: Well, it's not surprising.
Your experience with Maris has been emasculating.
Last night may have gone a long way toward restoring your self-confidence.
Of course.
And by the same token, you can now give up the neurotic assumption
that Brian left you because you're unattractive.
You have ample evidence to the contrary.
Yes, I have.
Well, to hell with Brian.
If he wants a prissy little wife, he can keep Stan.
Well, isn't this peachy?
Everything's turned out just fine for everyone.
You two have solved your problems.
The waiter received a handsome tip.
Niles and I have matching bathrobes.
And lookie here, it's not even 9:30 yet.
Frasier, try to understand.
-Yes, what happened last night was just… -Oh, stop it, both of you.
Enough! It happened and I'm just going to have to deal with it.
I suppose in a twisted way there is one positive for me in this.
You see, Lilith, I have never stopped desiring you,
even though I know we are completely wrong for each other.
But now, from this day forward, whenever I look at your face,
I will see the back of my brother's head!
And that is one bucket of ice water, let me tell you.
-You know, Frasier… -Enough, Lilith.
All right.
Maybe I'll just go…
Have some breakfast.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Are we okay?
No, we're not.
But we will be.
Well, that's enough for now.
We're an odd little family, aren't we?
-[KNOCKING ON DOOR] -MAN: Room service.
Here's your Eggs Benedict. If you could just…
Okay.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Oh, my.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Thank you!