[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
-Now for a difficult one. -NILES: Mm-hmm.
Mm. Mm-hmm.
Umm. Firm, velvety rind, bit smoky.
-Mmm. Apple wood, I think. -Oui.
This is what I get for sending you to sleepaway camp in France.
Can I help you with anything else, monsieur?
No, thanks. This $6 can of dog food will be fine.
It'll sure teach me not to leave my shopping until the last minute again.
Oh! Is it Reblochon?
You are good, Dr. Crane.
Yeah, he's a regular cheese whiz.
I'll take a half a pound of the Reblochon and a half pound of Saint-André,
and, I know I ask this every week, but… is it here?
Is what here?
You know very well what I mean. The imported Swiss prosciutto.
Ah, the Bündnerfleisch.
I am sorry.
-If only you had been here one hour ago… -Damn!
…you would have seen it arrive.
Oh! Oh!
-I have my fun with you. -You do, Robert.
You make me long for the days when you barely spoke English. Slice!
Slice like the wind. I'll take a pound.
Whoa.
Eighteen dollars a pound? This salami's good but it's not that good.
That saucisson was aged for six months
and air-cured in a small village at the foot of the Pyrenees.
It's a steal at that price.
You got that right, pal.
Uh, Dad, if you want to wait outside, I'll be through in a minute.
Nah, I'm fine.
Ho-ho, look at all these different kinds of olive oil.
Virgin, extra virgin.
Extra virgin?
How does that work?
Well, I guess if you can cure a sausage…
Monsieur, I am so glad you find my food so amusing.
Oh, Robert, he's only joking.
Keep on slicing.
No, come on, now.
Even you've got to admit this whole store is kind of nutty.
-ROBERT: Pardon? -Fourteen dollars for a pound
of goat cheese?
Gosh, for that price, I ought to be able to get a whole goat.
And we're slicing.
Perhaps, monsieur, you would be more comfortable if you just waited outside.
You want me to leave, come out and say it in plain English.
-Fine. Leave from my store. -Okay, no problem. Come on, Niles.
You heard the man.
He wants us to [FRENCH ACCENT] leave from his store.
-Don't hurry back. -[NORMAL VOICE] Don't worry.
All the money in the world wouldn't get me back in this snob shop.
That man is my father.
So, obviously, I can't leave here with a bag full of your merchandise.
-Home delivery? -Thank you.
No one treats my father that way!
Those olives too. No one!
-[DOOR OPENS] -[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
About the photo shoot tomorrow, will you be needing makeup?
Oh, heavens, no.
That's a good choice, because I think that you look very handsome without it.
Really? Well, I think you look very attractive with makeup.
Not that I'm saying you need makeup.
It's just that, if indeed you are wearing makeup, it's so artfully applied
that I wouldn't even know you're wearing makeup. Uh…
Bet it looks like I'm wearing some rouge right now.
-I know what you meant. And thank you. -Oh.
Oh, Dr. Crane, um, I've been meaning to ask you,
what do you think about two people who work together dating?
Oh, well, Sharon, I'm asked that question a lot,
and let me tell you, the stark reality is
that situation is fraught with…
Delightful possibilities.
So are you free on Friday?
Uh, Friday? Yes, Friday it is. After the show.
-Great. -Great.
-Okay. -Uh, bye.
-Dr. Crane. -Yes.
Clint Webber. The station just hired me to host the new show on health issues.
Yes, of course. Dr. Webber. Well, welcome to KACL.
I understand I'm in your debt for recommending my audition tape.
Oh, not at all. It was very good, very good indeed.
Besides, we'd all gotten a bit tired of the last show
that was in that time slot, Bert, the Backyard Gardener.
Rumored that his latest crop gave new meaning to the term "potting shed."
Ah, perfect timing. Come, Clint.
Roz Doyle, my producer.
This is Dr. Clint Webber, the new host of Health Watch.
-Hi. -Hi. Great to meet you.
So, uh, you're new.
That's right.
And a doctor?
That's right.
[CHORTLES]
I don't wanna be late for that station tour.
No, no, no. Well, again, welcome aboard, Clint.
Oh, my gosh.
Could I have acted any goofier?
Not without a set of fake buck teeth.
He's so handsome.
I can't work with someone that handsome. No offense.
Oh, none taken.
Granted, when it comes to the looks department,
Dr. Webber and I aren't exactly in the same…
Species?
Well, I was going to say league, but species is so much more insulting.
This stinks! This is total BS!
The chicks are all going nuts over this Webber guy.
I'm supposed to be the only sex symbol around here.
Wait, look at this, look at this. Come on.
Come on, take your best shot. No… No, whoa!
Not you. One of those guys.
Bulldog, you're behaving immaturely even for you.
The man is handsome, but there's no reason to feel threatened.
I must confess, I didn't notice he was all that handsome.
You didn't notice?
You of all people?
Just what are you insinuating?
Well, you know, that you're a little, uh…
For your information, I happen to be a happily married man.
You're married?
To a woman?
Of course to a woman.
You've all heard me mention Deb.
How often have I said, "I must be running along now.
Deb will be waiting"?
We thought Deb was your cat.
She is not a cat.
She is Mrs. Gilbert Leslie Chesterton, a Sarah Lawrence graduate
and the owner of a very successful auto body repair shop.
Honestly, the conclusions people make
just because a man dresses well and knows how to use a pastry bag.
Well… that's the first time I've ever seen a man "in" himself.
Dad, I can't help noticing Eddie's looking a bit glum.
Yeah, he's mad at me.
I gave him a can of that dog food from your fancy gourmet place the other day.
-He didn't like it? -No, he loved it.
-Now he won't eat anything else. -Oh.
Even turned his nose up at a kosher pickle, and he loves those.
And the bad thing is I called all over Seattle,
and Frenchy's the only one who carries that stuff.
I don't suppose you'd consider apologizing?
Forget it. I'm never setting foot in that store again.
Well, if things get worse, there is a technique of sleep-feeding I know.
It involves an eyedropper and a high-fructose protein shake.
I don't know about that.
Well, it worked on Maris.
-Hello, Niles, Dad. -Hi, how you doing?
-Hi, Roz. -MARTIN: Hey, Roz.
-Hi. -How you doing?
Hello. Hell…
-Frasier, are you aware… -FRASIER: Yes, I'm aware.
They've been taking publicity photos today.
I had an allergic reaction to the makeup I was wearing.
I wasn't even planning on wearing makeup,
but there's a handsome new employee at the station.
Everybody's feeling insecure about their looks.
They were all slapping their makeup on, so I, too, gave in to vanity.
And, like Icarus flying too close to the sun, I, too, paid the price.
-Wow. -Thank you, Dad.
I don't like to go to the mythology well too often, but that was spot-on.
No, I mean that guy. He's so handsome.
-It's him! It's Dr. Webber! -Roz, that's enough of this.
Well, he is striking.
Frasier's just jealous.
Oh, I am not jealous.
Yes, the man is handsome.
But I'm sure there's a number of areas in which I am his superior.
You know, let's not forget that good looks can be a mixed blessing.
People roll out the red carpet for you,
but that robs you of any incentive to develop other qualities.
After a while you are left an aging Narcissus,
bent to the water's edge,
realizing those lines in the pond aren't ripples.
They're wrinkles.
Amazing.
Thank you. I rather liked that one myself.
That guy could be a movie star.
Roz, don't we have work to do? Shall we?
Oh, no, take this table. I have a session.
Yeah, I gotta go too.
Like Zeus riding his thunderbolt to Mount Vesuvius…
Very amusing, Dad. Off you go.
Dr. Crane.
Oh. Well, Dr. Webber.
-You remember Roz Doyle, of course? -Yes, hello.
[CHORTLES]
Who could forget that infectious laugh?
Speaking of which, has anyone had a look at that rash?
Oh, yes, everybody, yeah.
So mind if I join you?
-Well, actually, we were just… -We were hoping you would.
So, Clint, I see that you're a squash player.
You know, if you're up for a game someday, I used to play a bit back in Harvard.
Well, I'd love to.
Harvard? Wow, I was dying to go to Harvard.
Well, I'm sure the school you went to was just as good.
-I went to Oxford. -Oh, well, even better.
Did you go to medical school there as well?
Yes, but I took a year off first to get my master's in French history.
-Ah. -Just wanted to do something fun.
FRASIER: Mm-hmm.
Does that mean you speak French?
[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]
[ROZ EXHALES GUSTILY, CHORTLES]
Yes, well, I too understand the importance of taking some time off
before beginning medical school.
I spent that summer in Milan, studying the history of opera.
In fact, I had the good fortune to make an acquaintance
and become friends with a then little-known young tenor
by the name of Carreras.
-José Carreras? -[CHUCKLES] Forgive the name-dropping.
-He's my godfather. -You're joking.
No, I'll call him tonight.
He'll be delighted to hear I'm working with you.
I'll be interested to see if he remembers the game we used to play
where we pretended not to remember one another.
You know, Frasier, that rash is starting to concern me.
Maybe I'll just pop out to the car and get my medical kit.
There's really no need.
Maybe we can get some work done while he's gone.
Oh, Roz, for heaven's sake.
You behave like a starry-eyed bobby-soxer.
Yes, the man is good-looking. It's not like he can stop traffic.
-[TIRES SCREECHING] -[HORNS HONKING]
There's a blind corner out there. We don't know if that was him.
How was your squash game?
Oh, well, Dr. Webber neglected to mention
that he was squash champion back in college.
I'm sorry, Frasier.
Oh, no, not at all. It was a lovely morning.
Clint was gracious enough to treat me to breakfast.
Of course, once we arrived at Le Relais, the chef had just cut himself.
Clint not only treated the wound
but set about to making us a flawless egg-white-and-truffle omelet.
I put myself through med school as a sous-chef at Le Cirque.
Oh, sometimes I just wanna pinch you to make sure you're real.
He's real.
I'm just going to get a glass of water.
-I'll be right back. -Right.
But you're about to start the show.
I know. I thought it'd be a good idea to have Clint on,
introduce him to my listeners, give his show a leg up.
Oh, right, you're plugging Clint.
I'm sorry, I'm having a lot of trouble believing this buddy-buddy act.
Roz, try as you may to insinuate that I have some seething jealousy for this man,
the fact is I like Clint.
Why else would I be giving a party in his honor this evening?
Okay. You're on in ten seconds.
Yes, right. Clint, just slip on those headphones and follow my lead.
Okay.
Good afternoon, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane.
Before we start our regular program, I'd like to take this opportunity
to introduce you to Dr. Clint Webber. Clint, if you're anything like I am,
you'll spend your first week trying to figure out what all these buttons do.
Actually, in college I ran the radio station.
Ah. Well, you know, things may have gotten a bit more sophisticated since then.
For instance, we have here a cough button.
If I'm not mistaken, that's the echo button.
Of course it is.
All my listeners are familiar with my now-trademark echoing cough.
Well, let's go to the lines, take our first call,
and show Dr. Webber the ropes, shall we?
-Go ahead, you're on the air. -WOMAN [ON PHONE]: Oh, hi. Hi, Dr. Crane.
-It's Marie. -FRASIER: Oh, hello, Marie.
I'm listening.
Uh, I've been having a hard time getting out of bed every morning.
And when I finally do, I'm irritable for hours.
Really? Well, Marie, the desire to stay in bed
is very similar to the desire to regress to the womb.
Some unconscious fear is driving you to a place of safety.
Now, in order to resolve this problem, you're going to have to examine your life
and discover just what it is you're retreating from.
It's hard but very necessary work.
I suggest it may be time to try some therapy.
Wow.
You are good, Dr. Crane.
The first thing that came to my head was that she might be a little hypoglycemic.
I'd have suggested some protein in the morning.
Oh, wait a minute.
Last Thursday, I had eggs for breakfast and I felt great all day.
Well, maybe that's it, then.
Oh, what a relief.
You know, you scared the life out of me, Dr. Crane.
Yes, well, thank you, Marie.
All right, I think it's time to say goodbye to Dr. Webber now.
We'll be back after these messages.
Thanks, Frasier, that was fun.
Yes, it was, wasn't it?
I hope I didn't say anything out of line.
Oh, no, no, not at all. I always enjoy learning something new.
Well… Oh, I'll see you tonight. Don't be late.
-I'm always punctual. -Yeah, of course you are.
I hate him.
[DOOR OPENS]
-Oh, he's not even here. -You lucked out.
Yeah. I'll just take a case of that dog food, please.
-Will that be all? -Yeah. And I'm in a bit of a hurry.
DAPHNE: Oh, look here.
Nickerson's Lemon Biscuits.
Oh, these bring back memories.
I just love them.
-Do you carry the raspberry ones as well? -I'm not sure.
-Can you come back for those? -Robert?
-Oh, God. -Yes?
Well, look who's come back.
Look, why don't you just let me pay for this and get out?
What do I owe you?
I think we both know what you owe me.
All right. I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have made fun of your store. Are you gonna let me off the hook or not?
ROBERT: All right, I'll sell it to you.
-I never like to lose a customer. -MARTIN: Well, great.
While I'm here, I might as well take a few cases.
We have several new varieties in, if you'd care to take a look.
-Oh, sure. -Please, show the man.
Oh, I think these biscuits are mismarked.
No, that's correct.
Fourteen ninety-five?
For a package this small?
I see we have another member of the Price Club.
Hey, there's no need for that attitude.
Back home, I can get these for 80p.
Well, I do have to fly them over.
What did you do? Buy them a seat on the Concorde?
Madam, if you cannot afford them, simply put them back.
I can bloody well afford them. I just don't like being gouged.
This is robbery.
Robber?
No one calls me robber.
-CLERK: Robert? -Not now!
On your way out, you will see a sign on the door saying "Please come again."
Disregard it.
I'd be happy to.
You know, Mr. Crane was right about you.
You're nothing but an arrogant, swindling little cheesemonger.
This is great. I'll take a case of each.
You'll take a case of nothing.
-What happened now? -We don't need him or his food.
Yes, we do. He's got tarragon flavor now.
-Come on. -MARTIN: Oh, Daph.
-What about Eddie? -Oh, he'll eat when he gets hungry.
For heaven's sakes, he drinks out of the toilet.
So George S. Kaufman so dislikes what the actor is doing,
he sends the poor fellow a telegram reading,
"I'm watching your performance from the rear of the house.
Wish you were here."
Sorry to jump in there, Frasier,
but I believe that's the story you meant to tell.
Well, thanks for helping out.
Hey, Doc, gotta hand it to you.
-Great way to welcome the new guy. -Really?
I'm surprised you're even here.
-Didn't think you cared for Clint. -Nah, I'm over that.
I figured he can't nab every chick, so if we pal around, I bag the leftovers.
-Ah, well. -[DOORBELL RINGS]
You're a regular busboy of romance. Excuse me.
[SIGHS]
-Niles. -Well, how's it going?
Well, let me see.
What have you missed?
Clint told us about how he learned to fly a plane.
Then he recited a sonnet.
Then he… Oh, yes, he fixed my ice machine,
and he invented a new drink, the Pink Webber.
I've got Daphne drawing a bath right now.
In case the party starts to lag,
I can invite him to walk on water, liven things up a little.
Well, now, don't let it make you crazy, Frasier.
At some point we all run into someone who's our superior.
It's just that I've never dealt with this sort of thing before.
Never?
I can see how that might be baffling to you.
As my younger brother, you've dealt with this all your life.
Yes, well, at least we know he won't outshine you in the egomania department.
Sorry. Yes, yes, I'm being a bit silly about this whole thing, I suppose.
I just wish I could find one flaw, you know, one area where I'm his superior.
I'm sure you will.
Although it won't be in the drink department.
This is heaven in a glass.
Frasier, I was just admiring this chessboard. It's beautiful.
-Thank you. Do you play? -No. I've read a book or two.
Are you in the middle of a match?
Yes, as a matter of fact, I'm playing by mail with a Russian grandmaster.
It's quite challenging.
Well, congratulations.
With your cunning use of the Zekrepsky attack,
you're only four moves away from certain victory.
My God, you're right.
And, actually, I'd be happy to hear that, except I'm playing black. Well.
Wasn't that a fun eight months? Excuse me.
Hello, Sharon.
Sorry we haven't had a chance to speak much.
Oh, I know, but I'm really looking forward to our date on Friday.
Yeah, so am I. You look… whew, absolutely beautiful.
Or should I say:
[SPEAKING IN MANDARIN]
[LAUGHS]
Why? What's so funny?
Oh, you just told me I'm as lovely as a chicken beak.
FRASIER: Oh, really?
[SPEAKING IN MANDARIN]
Who's as lovely as a chicken beak?
You speak Mandarin?
[SPEAKING IN MANDARIN]
["ISN'T IT ROMANTIC" PLAYING ON PIANO]
Frasier, I just wanted to thank you for this party.
Oh, don't mention it.
It's been a perfect evening.
The hors d'oeuvres, the company, the music.
-Oh, I love this song. -Hmm.
Yes, well, enjoy.
[OFF-KEY] ♪ Isn't it romantic? ♪
♪ Music in the night ♪
Oh, I'm sorry. I was singing too loud.
No, no, not at all.
I can't tell you how much I'm enjoying hearing it.
Careful, it doesn't take much coaxing to get me to perform.
-Really? -Oh, yes. Get a glass of wine in me,
before you know it, I'm serenading the entire room.
Really?
Oh, I'm afraid I have a bit of the old ham in me.
Would it be presumptuous to sing in front of your guests?
Well, I think we could persuade the piano player to play it again.
Oh, Niles, Niles, I've done it.
I have found his Achilles' heel.
[GASPS] Whose?
Clint's.
-Oh. -I just heard him singing.
The man is completely tone-deaf.
He's about to launch into a rendition of "Isn't It Romantic?"
That will simply peel the enamel from your teeth.
Are you sure you want to let him do that?
-What do you mean? -You have your victory.
You're a wonderful singer.
Isn't it enough to know that?
Do you really need to see him humiliate himself?
Yes.
-Now, Frasier… -No, no, I know it.
I know you're right. I guess I am a bigger man than that.
Hey, Dr. Crane, your friend Clint's quite a charmer.
Yes, he is, isn't he?
-Do you suppose he's single? -Hmm?
I was getting up the nerve to give him my phone number.
CLINT: Excuse me, everyone.
I just want to thank you all for this warm welcome to KACL.
And as a token of my gratitude, I'd like to share this song with you.
Clint, there's been a little change in plans.
Yes, I'm going to be your accompanist now.
Get up.
[PLAYING "ISN'T IT ROMANTIC?"]
[OFF-KEY] ♪ Isn't it romantic? ♪
♪ Music in the night ♪
♪ A dream that can't be heard ♪
♪ Isn't it romantic? ♪
Please, everybody. Nobody's perfect.
♪ The oldest magic word ♪
♪ I… ♪
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Oh, my.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Yeah, maybe, but I've got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
What is a boy to do?
Frasier has left the building.