[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
MARTIN: Jeez, look at this stuff.
"Golden Sunset Retirement Village."
"Investments for Seniors."
"Willowbrook Mortuary"? What the hell kind of list am I on?
The good news is,
it's not the kind of list they keep you on very long.
[SIGHS]
Ever since I turned 65, all I get is geezer mail. It's very depressing.
If you ask me, the only thing depressing about being a geezer is looking like one.
There's lots of things a person can do to look younger.
-How he dresses… -Nah. I tried those Jordache jeans.
I think you ought to leave something to the imagination.
Well, there's always your hair.
I know it's not exactly your style,
but there's nothing wrong with covering up that gray.
I know just the right shade for you. Cinnamon sable.
"Cinnamon sable," huh? Sounds nice.
Oh, wait, I couldn't use that.
That's Duke's shade. He'd scratch my eyes out.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
-Hello, Niles. -Frasier, prepare to salivate.
Niles, if that is a picture of your Biedermeier loveseat,
you've already shown it to me.
No, this is a photo of my latest purchase.
An exquisite 18th-century Turkish prayer rug.
Paid a fortune for it, but legend says
whatever you pray for on this rug will come to you.
Certainly worked for the dealer.
Oh, I'm sorry, Niles. I'm just not in the best of moods.
I had another disastrous blind date.
-Oh, I'm sorry. -I mean…
Murderers on death row can find women to marry them.
I can't find one to sit through coffee with me.
It's easy for those men to attract women.
They have all that time to work out in the yard.
I'm serious. I'm getting desperate here.
Don't obsess about this.
My love life's not better than yours,
but you don't see me going off the deep end.
Oh, really?
Did it ever occur to you that this recent antique-buying binge
is a way of sublimating your frustrated sexual desires? Hm?
[SCOFFS]
That's preposterous. These purchases have nothing to do with sex.
Oh, don't they?
In addition to the loveseat,
let's see, your most recent acquisitions have been a French bed warmer,
a pair of Toby jugs.
The less said about that Civil War ramrod, the better.
Oh, you Freudians. Sometimes a ramrod is just a…
Oh, hell, even I can't make that one fly.
Take heart. We're in the same boat.
-Hi. -The hard part is,
where do you go to meet people?
Oh, it's not that hard.
Yesterday, I met a very nice man at the grocery.
We got to talking,
and he asked me if I was free Saturday night. I said yes.
He said, "Oh, wait, it's me niece's bat mitzvah."
I said, "I've never been to a bat mitzvah."
He said, "Would you like to go to the bat mitzvah?"
I said, "Oh, yes, I'd love to go to the bat mitzvah…"
-So he said… -Daphne?
Yes?
Oh, nothing. I'm sorry. Go on.
Hmm.
I seem to have lost my train of thought.
Oh, well. Anyone like some tea?
-FRASIER: Love some. Thank you. -NILES: Thank you. Yes.
Little trick I discovered a few weeks ago. It's a lifesaver.
Anyway…
As I was saying,
where does one go to meet available women?
There are singles bars.
-Yeah. -Uh…
We could join a health club.
Oh. There's a splendid idea.
Yes, I can just picture the two of us, tank tops and spandex.
With matching headbands, we might as well sterilize ourselves.
Well, sounds like fun, Daph.
If she says "bat mitzvah" one more time…
-Hey, Niles. -Hey, Dad.
If you're smart, you come up with an idea.
-What are you talking about? -Oh, just our pathetic love lives.
Well, why don't you do what my buddies and I used to do
when we were young and hard up for dates?
Invade Korea?
[LAUGHING]
No, we'd throw a party with one rule.
Only single, available people were invited.
Well, I don't know, Dad. That doesn't really sound like us.
It works. I used to throw one a month.
People used to call them "Marty parties."
People would call me and say, "Hey, Marty, when's the next Marty party?"
"Isn't it time for another Marty party? Sure had a great time at the last one."
-Uh, Dad. -Yeah?
Oh, I'm sorry. Nothing. Go on.
Or somebody might say, "Can I host the next Marty party?"
-Doesn't always work. -I see. Yeah.
Um, thanks, Dad,
but I don't think we're hard up enough yet to stage a singles party.
Okay, suit yourself. Well, we'll just get ready for the evening.
I'll dish out the spaghetti, and you guys set up the card table.
I got us a new jigsaw puzzle.
Ten thousand pieces.
It's called The Wheat Field.
-I'll send the invitations. -I'll call the caterer.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hello. Welcome. Please come in.
Niles, this is wonderful. I had no idea we'd get such a turnout.
I know. Everywhere I look, there's a woman I want to get to know better.
With some obvious exceptions.
Roz, I didn't know you were coming.
Hey, I know it's a long shot,
but I figured I'd better get out and do a little flirting
before I forget how.
Can I offer you something?
[GIGGLING] Yeah. Oh, yeah. Boy! I'm…
My God, Roz, you are rusty.
I know you've been striking out lately,
but I invited someone guaranteed to improve your batting average.
Not necessary. I've already met someone captivating.
-Hi, Roz. -Tina, you made it.
Oh, well, you know me. Have I ever said no to a good time?
[TINA, ROZ LAUGH]
That's what I was trying to tell Frasier.
-Tina Kramer, meet Dr. Frasier Crane. -Hello.
-Doctor, huh? -Yes, that's right. Roz? Roz.
Ooh, strong hands.
I guess it's true what they say: "Strong hands, strong mind."
Yes, well, that's why you'll never see an unopened pickle jar at a Mensa meeting.
[LAUGHS]
Huh?
Ooh, excuse me, I'm sorry.
Ooh. Excuse me.
Oh.
Oh. [CHUCKLING]
Martin?
-You're looking at my hair, right? -Well, yeah.
-Looks great. -Well, thanks. Yeah.
I did it myself.
-Get out. -Yeah, yeah, really.
Well, Daphne suggested it.
At first, I said, "No way,"
but then I thought, "A lot of other guys do it.
What better place to try it than here where nobody knows me?"
[CHUCKLES] So I…
Boy, you look great too.
Oh, thanks. I was really happy with this dress.
-You can't even tell I'm pregnant in it. -I know.
I just… I mean, where… [LAUGHS] Yeah.
Well, yes. You have a good time at the party.
And the dress looks great. Nobody would know.
-Same with your hair. -Thanks.
-It looks completely natural. -Thanks.
-Hey, Niles. -Oh. Hey, Dad.
Hey, watch that "Dad" business, huh?
Got a few young ladies here thinking I just might be your brother.
Yeah, it's like looking in a mirror.
What's the matter? Aren't you having fun?
Oh, sort of. It's just…
It's been so long since I've been single,
I'm finding it hard to strike up conversations.
Oh, come on, now. It's nothing.
You just need a little confidence. Watch this.
-Hi there. Hi. -Hi.
I'm Marty Crane. And this is my son, Niles.
Yep, my son.
Hi, Vicky Cantrell.
-You're the host. -Yeah.
I was admiring your beautiful Turkish rug.
Thank you.
Is that 18th century?
Yes, it is.
-You have quite an eye. -I work for an auction house.
I would love to see some of your other pieces.
Well, it would be my pleasure.
There's an absurd legend about that rug, that whatever you pray for…
Well, perhaps it's not that absurd after all.
Roz. Roz, that woman is all over me.
Well, of course. Didn't you get what I was trying to tell you?
Of course, I got it.
I also got it when she tied a knot in a cherry stem with her tongue.
That's a party trick.
The cherry was in my mouth at the time.
I tried to tell you that I met a woman tonight.
-All right. I'll go talk to her. -Thank you.
-Oh, Frasier. -Niles.
I'm so glad we had this party.
I just met the most fabulous woman.
-Oh, that's fabulous. -Two white wines.
I also met someone who's terrific.
Oh, wait. I can't wait. I have to show you mine first.
-Uh, uh, uh, she's by the buffet. -So is mine.
Frasier, let me ask you something.
At what point would you acknowledge
that we're waving at the same woman?
-I saw her first. -That's not fair.
You're the host. You see everyone first.
There are plenty of other women here.
-Exactly. So go pick one. -Oh.
Let's just stop this.
-All right. -The civilized thing to do
is for us to both stay away from her.
We are psychiatrists, not rutting pigs in a barnyard.
-What do you say to that? -Well…
Sooey.
-Very well. May the better man win. -Fine.
Frasier, your father wants you.
-Oh! Advantage Niles. -Wait.
-What? -I want you to meet a fan of yours.
-Oh. -Kathy Locker, my son, Dr. Frasier Crane.
I was telling your father how much I love your show.
-You're such a good listener. -Uh-huh.
Just yesterday, you gave the best advice
to that woman who called in about a problem with her teenage son.
What was it you said, exactly?
Oh, what do I ever say?
"You're in denial. Seek help." Whatever. Blah, blah, blah.
He's different from what I expected.
Yeah. He's not what I expected either, but you get used to it.
So you were telling me about being a detective.
Oh, yeah, yeah. I…
Say, do you, uh, feel like getting a drink?
-Yeah, that would be nice. -Okay.
Okay. Let's go.
[GASPS]
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
You know, this is such a prime spot here.
Maybe one of us should stay here and the other one get the drinks.
You're right.
So I'll have a beer.
Oh.
Okay.
[GIGGLES]
Oh, shoot. I think I lost an earring.
Oh.
-Oh, there it is, by my foot. -Oh.
[MARTIN CLEARS THROAT]
There you go.
Thanks. Uh, enjoy the party.
-These egg rolls are delicious. -Oh, I, uh, made them myself.
-Really? -Mm-hmm.
A psychiatrist and a chef.
-Impressive. -Yes, well…
They both came in handy when I cured the ham.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
Hello, Niles.
-What do you want? -There's an emergency in the kitchen.
-That's very cagey. -Well, I…
Why don't you just run out and yell, "fire"?
[MOUTHS] Fire!
-Dear God. Excuse me for a moment. -Of course.
-Is it a serious problem? -Oh, no, no, he's always run like that.
Oh.
Oh, you mean, the kitchen. No, no, Niles can handle it.
You two seem very close.
Oh, yes. I'm his best friend.
Well, his only friend, really.
-That surprises me. He seems outgoing. -Doesn't he, though?
The medication seems to be working wonders.
I just hope he sticks with it this time.
-Well, shall we hit the buffet? -Yeah.
[ROZ LAUGHING]
-What a great story. -Oh, thanks.
-This is fun. -Yeah.
I usually hate these kinds of parties.
Oh, me too. People are always so superficial.
Yeah, it seems like everybody nowadays is all about appearances.
Mm-hmm.
-Well, shall we get a drink? -Yeah, sure.
-I'm not very thirsty. Okay. -Me either. See you.
Then I top it off with brandied cherries and crème fraîche.
-Frasier. -Not now, Niles.
I'm telling Vicky my recipe for crêpe gâteau.
She's had enough of your crêpe by now.
I'm terribly sorry to interrupt, but Dad needs you, Frasier.
-No, he doesn't. -I think he might.
All right, then. If you will excuse me.
Do you live with your father?
Oh, no. A grown man live with his father?
-Frasier lives with Dad. -Ah.
-Champagne? -Oh, yes, please.
-What is it? -You got to get me home.
-Why? -My hair dye's melting or something.
Look at this stain.
-It must look terrible. -No. Actually, it looks terrific.
-You sure? -Maybe the fire is making you perspire.
Here.
Uh, oh, no.
Well, actually, you look quite young and attractive.
-Oh. -Yes. By the warmth of the fire glow,
I'd say that you actually look like you're back in your "Marty party" days.
-You're not BS-ing me? -No, no.
-Okay, then, I'll stay. -Great.
-Vicky, hello. Where's Niles? -Oh, he had to take a call.
Oh, well, that's terrific.
Uh…
Would you be interested in finding someplace where we could talk,
just the two of us, no interruptions?
-Frasier. -Hmm? Not now, Roz.
-Come here. -Can't you see I'm busy?
No. My water just broke.
Well… Maybe you sat in something.
NILES: Oh, my God! What's all over my Turkish prayer rug?
-You've got to get me to a hospital. -Yes, I'm sorry. Of course.
Oh, Vicky, Vicky.
Uh, if you'll excuse us, my friend Roz just went into labor.
-Oh, how exciting. Good luck. -ROZ: Thanks.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, just one second.
I know this may not be the most appropriate moment,
but I was wondering if you'd like to have dinner with me sometime.
That's sweet of you, but I'm not really interested.
Oh, well, thank you for your honesty.
My God! What is wrong with me?
Why can't I find a woman who's interested in me?
Those are two different questions,
so we should sit down and talk them both over.
Oh, wait, I can't, because I'm in labor!
-How did we do? -Better.
This time, it's hot, and it's got cream.
Of course, it's still chicken soup.
Well, who needs coffee when we can keep alert
by perusing these very up-to-date magazines?
Oh.
Oh, look, Dad.
-That cute Tricia Nixon's getting married. -Ah.
Oh, excuse me.
Uh, may we get an update on Roz Doyle?
Sure. Uh, she is still in early labor. Hang in there.
Thank you.
She's pretty. I should make a play for her.
Considering how young and attractive I am tonight.
I said I was sorry.
Not half as sorry as when I ran over that speed bump,
and you left a head print on the ceiling of my BMW.
Ah. Hello.
-Hi. -Well, Niles.
Didn't expect to see you here.
Uh, well, the doorman found Roz's purse in the lobby.
I thought she might need it.
I suppose you also came to gloat.
You got Vicky. I didn't.
Neither of us got Vicky. She went home with the bartender.
Really?
Well, you know what I say? Her loss.
Absolutely right. Her loss.
Has saying that ever made you feel any better?
Not a whit.
It's been a hell of a night for us.
It certainly was for me. I lost Vicky. My rug is ruined.
Someone left weird brown stains on my wing chair.
-Hello. -Hi.
I came down as soon as I heard.
What the hell happened to your hair?
I colored it just like you told me to.
Yeah, but this isn't cinnamon sable.
I couldn't use that. It had a woman's picture on the box.
I used some stuff called Color in a Can instead.
It said, "As seen on TV. Just spray on and go."
How did I know it was a lousy product?
If only there had been some clue.
Don't you start on me. You left me melting by that fire.
Wait a minute. You're the one who left stains on my wing chair.
I was wondering when you'd crack that, Miss Marple.
Oh, don't start with me.
[ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]
Stop it!
What is wrong with the three of you?
Our friend is having a baby in there.
I'm sorry. We've had dreadful evenings,
but you're absolutely right. We should be thinking about Roz.
Exactly.
Besides, nobody could have had as horrendous an evening as I did.
I got stood up at a bat mitzvah.
I waited there an hour.
He left a lame excuse on the machine,
but if he thinks he's got another chance with me, he's meshuga.
Oh, boo-hoo, anyway.
At least you had a date tonight.
-At least your apartment wasn't decimated. -Oh, so what?
I went to a party tonight with shoe polish on my hair.
Yes, and you managed to get it on my chair!
[ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]
Shh!
-[PANTING] -Breathe. You're doing great.
-Roz, it's all right. -We're here for you.
MARTIN: Good luck.
We love you. [CHUCKLES]
[ARGUING CONTINUES]
-She's very tired, so make it quick. -Okay.
Roz, congratulations.
Oh, look at her.
NILES: Oh, she is beautiful.
Mazel tov.
It's a long story.
-So, what's her name? -Alice.
Alice May Doyle. My daughter.
My God, that's the first time I ever said that.
-Well, you look great. -Mm-hmm.
How do you feel?
-Oh, fine. I'm just a little tired. -FRASIER: Mm-hmm.
-Maybe we should go. -FRASIER: Right.
I'll drop by and see you tomorrow.
-Okay. -I would love to hold her for a second.
Maybe we should just wait until you're not dripping toxins.
Oh.
-FRASIER: Aw. -MARTIN: Okay.
We'll see you, then. Okay.
-Bye. -Congratulations.
I'll be along in a second.
Roz, congratulations again.
-[CHUCKLES] -I'm so proud of you.
Your little girl is just perfect.
-She is, isn't she? -Mm-hmm.
My God, look at your face.
Oh, yeah. I must look real lovely.
Yes, that's exactly how you look. Lovely.
I don't think I've ever seen a face more purely happy than right now.
Little Alice, how I wish you could wake up right now
and see how beautiful your mother looks.
[SNORES]
Then, again, you need your rest.
You did great, honey.
Sleep well.
Oh. Well, hello.
Hi.
This may be an odd time to ask you this, but I was…
I was convinced that we sort of
made some eye contact in the waiting room,
and, uh, I was wondering if I could get your number.
-But what about your… -Forget about her. She's asleep.
What kind of monster are you?
Her loss.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
Quite stylish.
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
What is a boy to do?
Good night!